Jon Stewart and Desi Lydic Recap the DNC | ICYMI
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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Thank you, Joe. I love this city. I am seeing so many famous Chicago places from movies and TV. I ate at the restaurant from The Bear. I went to the museum from Ferris Bueller. And tonight after the show, I'm going to go rob the house from Home Alone, Chicago's best.

But of course, of course, we're here for the Democratic National Convention. And last night was so jam-packed with speakers that even music legend James Taylor got bumped for time. But good news, we've got him on our show tonight. But first, let's get right into our coverage of Indecision 2024.

- It is day two of the DNC. All of the delegates are gathered from across the country to participate in this most hallowed and sober-minded democratic process. So let's go live with our own Ronny Chieng. Ronny, a lot of major players there tonight. Who are you talking to on the ground? You got Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Doug Emhoff. - No one, Desi. No one will talk to me at all. It's like they're not even taking me seriously.

Why do you think that is? It's pretty obvious. Duh, racism. Yes, yes, definitely racism. Thank you, Ronnie. Ronnie Chang, everyone. That was immensely unhelpful. So let's go back to night one. Last night was all about President Joseph Retirement Biden.

And everyone came forward to toast the man of the evening, including a surprise appearance from the woman who's been taking measurements in his office, Kamala Harris. And I want to kick us off by celebrating our incredible President Joe Biden. We are forever grateful to you.

For President Biden's lifetime of achievement, we owe him a great debt of gratitude. Thank you to Joe Biden. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe, and God bless you. We love you. That is, that is so nice. I mean, even Nancy Pelosi was chanting, we love Joe, and she's the one who pushed him out of the race. Yeah.

It's like the iceberg waving goodbye to the Titanic. Now, before President Biden came out to speak, we got to hear a powerful speech from Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, the former Secretary of State, and the reason you have a trauma response every time you hear, "This is my fight song." She made a case for Kamala Harris while making the case against Donald Trump. Although there was one moment where she also sort of became him?

The first person to run for president with 34 felony convictions. As vice president, as vice president, Kamala sat in the situation room. Well, well, well, looks like the lock them up-ee has become the lock them up-er. Look at that smile. That's the smile of a woman going, I get it now. Sometimes it feels good to be back. Woo! Woo!

I thought Hillary's whole speech was very moving. In fact, she killed it, although it will be ruled a suicide. On the other hand, over in the right-wing media world, they had a major complaint. Hillary Clinton, she's the most joyless person I think was ever walked on this earth. That speech of just like her kind of like Stalinist negative half-screaming to the crowd. Come on.

- Are you criticizing Hillary for being joyless? Why don't you go post a Harambee meme on Vine, you 2015 piece of shit. But if conservatives hate Hillary not smiling, I'm sure they'll love Kamala, who was all smiles last night. - Kamala Harris came out on the stage. All the laughing, it's like she got into the sherry or something.

Come on, guys. Hillary doesn't smile enough. Kamala smiles too much. You know what? You don't get an opinion on this, okay? You get to control one hole on women's bodies, not two, and you picked one hole. Women can't win. This right here is exactly where I'm gonna have that plastic surgery where they remove your mouth entirely. It's just -- It's just easier. It's just easier.

But let's move on, because remember, this is Joe Biden's night, and it's actually starting to get a little bit late. So let's get to Joe Biden. Please welcome former Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo, Robert Garcia, Dick Durbin, Doris Johnson, Jesse Jackson, Tony Goldwyn, Steve Kerr, Sean Fain. In the words of the great American poet, Nelly, it's getting hot in here.

Okay, yeah, I guess we had time for a dad bod strip tease. But guys, it's really getting late now. So let's wrap up the other speakers and bring out Joe. Please welcome Congressman Jim Clyburn. Raphael Warnock. Kathy Hochul. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Jamie Raskin. Jasmine Crockett. Chris Coons. And I want to talk with you for just a few minutes.

Jesus Christ. Is this still going on? No disrespect to Chris Coons, but f*** Chris Coons. Almost midnight. Mom has got to get to bed. And you know who else has to get to bed? Joe Biden. For the love of God, let's hear from Biden. Please welcome Ashley Biden. It is 11 o'clock. You can't be introducing new Bidens right now. Do you...

Do we have to go through the whole family? It's Commander... It was so late by the time Biden actually got on the stage, even the right-wing pundits were insulted. A sitting president pushed out of primetime. It was incredibly disrespectful. I mean, no matter your politics or how you feel about the current commander-in-chief, he is the current president of the United States. I almost felt badly for him. It was the ultimate slap in the face. Is this really how you treat someone that you love? I just think that's disgusting. Nancy...

I'm sorry. I'm very confused here. Do you guys hate him or not? Joe Biden is a corrupt leader of a crime family who stole the presidency, and how dare they keep him up past his bedtime? The nerve! The nerve!

But finally, finally, Joe Biden took the stage at 11.26 Eastern Time, which is late. Although I will remind the East Coast media elites at Fox News that there are other time zones. And I'm in one right now. I like it here. Now, you might expect that by 11.26, Joe Biden would be coming to the stage in pajamas and one of those old-timey sleeping hats. But

Instead, he gave his most high-energy performance in a long time. Putin thought he'd take Kyiv in three days. Three years later, Ukraine is still free. China will inevitably surpass the United States. They haven't noticed. No one's saying that now. He never built a damn thing. Who in the hell does he think he is?

Who does he think he is not worthy of being commander in chief? Period. Not then, not now, and not ever. Excuse me, is it getting hot? Aside from bringing the energy, he also brought all the feels. I've made a lot of mistakes in my career, but I gave my best to you. For 50 years, like many of you, I've given my heart and soul to our nation.

And I've been blessed a million times in return for the support of the American people. But I hope you know how grateful I am to all of you. It's been the honor of my lifetime to serve as your president. I love the job, but I love my country more.

This was one of Joe Biden's finest moments. He was forceful. He was selfless. He was patriotic. Honestly, it almost made me wonder if maybe we should go back and... Oh, Jesus, Nancy! For more on Biden's big night, we go live to Troy Iwata. Troy, after Biden gave that great speech, do you think Democrats might have any regrets? No. Oh.

I mean, no, no. No, not at all. They appreciate everything Joe Biden has done for them, but they're also happy he's gone. And that's why I'm here at the greeting card store. I'm looking for something that says, we love you, while also saying, do not come back. Nancy Pelosi gave me $1,000 to buy one with just the right message. Wait, Nancy Pelosi gave you $1,000 to buy a card? Yeah. She doesn't know how much things cost.

You know, also, I think she thinks I'm her assistant, Steve. What makes you think that? She keeps calling me Steve. So, anyways, here's one. It says, "Thanks for the memories, and just to be clear, we're not going to make any new ones." Or there's this one. This says, "You've done so much for us, and we're all good now. Thanks."

Wow, Hallmark's making very specific cards. Yeah. How about this one? It says, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. But just to reiterate, it's definitely over." I don't know, Troy. That seems kind of mean. Yeah. Well, here's one. "To my dear President, thank you for your years of service, but what I'm most grateful for is your statesmanlike surrender of power. You will be enshrined in the history of our nation.

That one's beautiful. It sounds perfect. Yeah, but the comic, it's in Comic Sans font, so. All right, Troy, we need you back at the studio. So just pick a card, any card. Okay, all right, David Blaine, calm down. Okay, forget the cards. I'll do what I normally do, and just when I thank people, I'll just Venmo him $20. Troy, Nancy Pelosi gave you $1,000. Okay, fine. The best I can do is $25. Troy, you want it, everybody.

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Learn more at ibm.com slash Watson X. IBM, let's create. The 2024 presidential election is here. MSNBC has the in-depth coverage and analysis you need. Our reporters are on the ground. Steve Kornacki is at the big board breaking down the races. Rachel Maddow and our Decision 2024 team will provide insight as results come in.

and the next day Morning Joe will give you perspective on what it all means for the future of our country. Watch coverage of the 2024 presidential election Tuesday, November 5th on MSNBC.

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With more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters, survivors and their pets can escape and heal together. Visit Purina.com slash purple to get involved. Welcome to the Pony Show. I'm your host, Jon Stewart. And once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Pony Show. Right now we are live. The Democratic Convention is wrapping up, maybe next.

Hours from here. We don't really know where it is. It's far from this theater. But what a night for Kamala Harris. By the way, the anticipation was high tonight. And not just for Kamala Harris. Speculation was running wild today that there would be a surprise guest. Boy, did they deliver. Please welcome Michigan Representative Alyssa Slotkin. I am in the Slot Hive.

You thought it was Beyonce because everybody thought that it was going to be Beyonce coming out there. But it was Slotkin all along. Everybody knew. Tonight was the final night for the DNC, and they did it all. They spoke in support of curbing gun violence. They spoke in support of investing in our schools, fighting climate change, and upside-down drumming. A remarkable story. Born conjoined, they didn't let that stop them from upside-down drumming.

But it was Kamala's night. And her opportunity... She's not here either. No Beyonce. No Kamala. Tickets are free, mother******. It was Kamala's night. And it was Kamala Harris' opportunity to be introduced as a presidential candidate to America. Growing up, we moved a lot. I will always remember that big Mayflower truck packed with all our belongings, ready to go to Illinois, California.

To Wisconsin. Just name swing states. Just say that you moved to swing states. That you moved to Michigan, to Georgia, you moved to Arizona. Just make it up.

But this is great. We finally get to meet communist Kamala, the radical that we have heard so much about. I believe everyone has a right to safety, to dignity, and to justice. A harm against any one of us is a harm against all of us. Okay, Stalin. This is one of the reasons...

I became a prosecutor to protect people. Dasvidaniya, comrade! I stood up for women and children against predators who abused them. I fought against the cartels who trafficked in guns and drugs and human beings, who threatened the security of our border and the safety of our communities. And I will tell you, these fights were not easy.

How funny would it have been if at the end she was just like, but seriously though, not for me.

This is all been great, but I've been thinking it over. By the way, if I was Donald Trump right now, I don't even know what I'd... I'd probably just be tweeting nonsensical shit to distract from the fact that she doesn't faintly resemble the caricature that's been painted. By the way, that is what he was doing. These are his real tweets. In all... In all caps... In all caps, where's Hunter? I swear to God, the guy running for president on the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's cat turd. Of course...

Of course, an important part of tonight was familiarizing people with the Democratic nominee's biography. A hallowed walk through the trials and tribulations that formed the ethos and spirit of the Democratic nominee. Because up until tonight, they didn't have a lot. Fit on the anecdotes, quite frankly. I mean, I know they didn't have much time, but this is what they were running out there. Vice President Harris came and visited my restaurant. You know, I know you only had four weeks to put this movie together, but come on. You got to do better than...

I was working and she walked in. I drove her in and out. Come on, the big movers and shakers of the Democratic Party must know her well. She worked at McDonald's and she greeted every person with that thousand-watt smile and said, how can I help you? I think you have to say that when you work at McDonald's or really any point-of-service occupation. How can I help you is kind of the thing. I don't know that the transaction can really take place. LAUGHTER

If you do not acknowledge that delicate dance of whether or not they will superslide. Are there less professional, more personal stories? Phone rings. Harris, she called me. My phone rang again. And it was Vice President Kamala Harris. It's enough to be her. She calls you on her? That is very f***ed up. On her birthday, she calls you. It's Kamala. Anything you have to say to me? Yes.

That you should have said. By the way, this is like night three. We're three days into the convention and we're like, so she has a phone. By the way, is literally one of the only things we knew about her before she took office. We did it. We did it, Joe. She called people.

But credit where credit is due. The Democrats, on short notice, exploited their newfound momentum and enthusiasm with a display of the breadth and width of this diverse, often contradictory party of Roosevelt. At their convention, they had union leaders, CEOs. They had Democratic Party icons and lifelong Republicans. They had a guy yelling, screw the billionaires...

followed immediately by a very happy billionaire. It's all okay if it's our billionaire. I don't like, I don't like billionaires, but they had guys making fun of people for going to Yale. They had Barack Obama, Jewish Barack Obama. That's always good for politics. You know what really works? A Jewish guy that sounds like a black. The Democrats had

who prosecuted sexual predators and there goes that booking. They had black Americans, Asian Americans, gay Americans, Jewish Americans, Palestinian Americans. Oh, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight hours a night. But really, it's best not to think about the consequences of our actions over there, especially given the theme of the week.

I can feel the excitement in this arena. It's filled with energy and with joy. The air of joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. We will be joyful warriors. The president of joy. Let us choose joy. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, it was joyful. For a convention.

I know what real joy looks like because I've watched Oprah on her show. You thought people were happy to see her endorse Kamala Harris. You should see what they do when she gives them lip liner. The Democrats are about joy and they are about excitement. Oh, and one other thing. I was a paratrooper and an army ranger. I flew in the Navy during the first Gulf War. I enlisted in

fought alongside my brothers with Lima 325 in Iraq. I gave the order directing our special operations forces to fly two helicopters 150 miles into Abbottabad at night. And by the time the sun rose, Osama bin Laden was dead. Proud to be in America. These are the new Democrats, man.

They lead with joy and compassion and acceptance. And oh yeah, we will. Listen, listen to me. Whatever you're feeling, go with it. Whether that feeling is joy or perhaps relief at having a chance when you had none is exhilarating. And the Democrats were hitting all the right notes. The cameraman, not so much.

When a house is on fire, we don't ask about the homeowner's race or religion. No. We just try to do the best we can to save them. And if the place happens to belong to a childless cat lady... I love that the camera just stayed on her. She literally turned around like, are these motherfuckers saying that I... Is this... Hold on. Here's the crazy part. After this cutaway, the woman was interviewed...

She is childless and has two cats. And you know what that means? The C-SPAN don't play. C-SPAN does the research. But ultimately, look, Democrats have already drank the Kool-Aid. It's very difficult when you're inside that convention environment to know if this has been a successful endeavor. Perhaps the best way to see how well it actually went is through the eyes of a more objective observer, a fair and balanced organization that will give you a more clear-eyed perspective.

How did Fox News experience this convention? At the beginning, I've got to be honest, I'm not sure they cared for it. There's not much joy in this convention hall. There were empty seats here when, even as late as when Joe Biden was speaking. The vibes are off. No one's talking to each other. This is probably the most boring scene I've ever seen in my entire life. Ooh, so boring. I forgot what a daredevil like you is.

Your life is a never-ending joyride of talking to Brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox. Ooh, you're a murmur. What, what, what? But unfortunately for Jesse Knievel over here, the next night, even Fox had to acknowledge emoji. People are having a great time down here. Stevie Wonder just performed. And there's more electricity in this room.

Good vibes! And you'll never guess what. They had a problem on this night as well. No one's talking about the actual issues that matter. All about fuzzy puppies and little kittens. All the joy, all the vibe, all the emotion is nothing but empty calories. They burn fast and make you fat. The good vibes aren't gonna... You can't eat good vibes, right? Oh, so which is it? Do the vibes fatten you up or are they emotional ozempic? Which one?

But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family on vibes. You can only feed your family on immigration fear-mongering. You can't eat good vibes. I think you might be confusing vibes with the tomato-infused, soup-adjacent fondue, the weapon of mass lactation that this city calls pizza. I'll tell you that much. Hey, hey, I want to order a pizza. Oh, yeah, you want a personal or backyard poolside? Look, let me tell you this. All right, I will say this. The bar pies are good. The point is this. By the third night of the convention...

Even at Fox News, the walls came tumbling down. Tim Walz, I said earlier tonight, he had to do fine, and that would be enough. He did great for him, for the crowd. And I even followed the football metaphors. He'll be a great wingman for Kamala Harris. Yes, Fox News now knows the experience of being a Mets fan. Watching the Yankees always win the World Series. Yeah, Derek Jeter, very talented.

Most of Fox News was admitting defeat, except for young Jesse Waters, who bravely continued the pretense that the convention was going badly. Even when the footage right next to his f***ing head disagreed.

Last night wasn't as jubilant as the media tells you. Seats were empty. It looked like there was a formal dress code. The lines to get in the stadium were long and silent. The only joy in the building was Joy Reid, who nobody even recognizes. You see these liberal media anchors walking around and no one even stops them for selfies. Actually feel bad for them. Last night felt like a funeral. And it was. Last night felt like a funeral.

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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.

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