Deep Dive
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Right, recording, just... Hi, it... Sorry, he's just practising something. So, yeah. This is The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor. This contains a bit of the old swearing, so if you don't like that kind of thing, then...
Well, I don't know really. I can't really help you. There's not much of it, to be honest. Shit! Great. Well, that doesn't help, does it? Listener discretion is advised. Enjoy. John, I need to answer it. Wait, wait, wait. I just need to make sure I'm recording to capture the moment. You're so stupid. Okay, here we go. Go, go, answer. Sherlock and Co. Mariana speaking.
Mariana. What is it? Murder? Robbery? It's your mum. My mum? Mum! What are you doing? Yeah, thanks. Yeah. She... That's Mariana. Yeah. Yeah. Well, did you listen to the illustri... Yeah. No, I don't think the charity shop are trying to rip you off, mum. They're... Yep. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's Linda for you, isn't it? Look, Mum. Oh, God, Archie. Right, yeah. I'll jump on a train at Paddington in about an hour. OK, great. Just get his lead and some poo bags. OK. OK, bye-bye. Bye. Yeah, bye. Apparently I wasn't answering my phone, so... I've got to go.
Ah, wow, all aboard the Sherlock & Co podcast. Yeah, just at Paddington Station, off to sunny Wiltshire for a surprise new companion. It's very sunny everywhere at the moment, isn't it? I have to say, global warming has delivered a very mild October. But yeah, Paddington Station, home of the upper middle class bear, of course. Also, according to Wikipedia, the birthplace of Kiefer Sutherland.
I know, Hollywood actor. Then Alan Turing, the bloke that won World War II. Thanks, Alan. And also birthplace of Chris Akabusi. Listeners outside the UK, you can look that one up. I just want to say, guys, the feedback for this podcast, for the illustrious client, I am blown away completely. Wow, you know?
Thanks to Chris Haynes, Adam Briscombe, David Rose, Geraldine Wessing, Phoenix Nails, great name, and Eric Sanborn for your emails. It was really lovely to read. And thanks to all my new followers on Twitter, slash X, yuck. Shoutouts to some followers at random here. So to KettyKicker78, Leviathan, some bloke whose username is just a load of ones and S's.
Shout out to The Biebs and my listeners in China. China! Can you believe that? To Nicole at Audraciously Me. To Raymond Terrific. To Pablo in Aotearoa. I hope I said that right. To Mark Pell. To Kindle. To Sleepycat49. To Lady Mepiva. To... Oh God, I've missed the train.
My name is Dr John Watson, once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London. I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know. Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.
Yeah, all right, all right. Stop, stop pulling. Stop pulling. Ow, ow. Hey, hey. Hey there, everybody. Ow, stop. A new addition to the co in Sherlock and Co. Drumroll, please. Introducing my dog, Archie. Say hi, Archie. Yeah. All right, all right, all right. Stop, stop, stop. That'll do, that'll do.
Yeah, Archie. Archie the four-year-old bulldog. Got him with my girlfriend at the time. Then when we broke up, I got Archie and she got... Well, she got a friend of mine, to be honest. I'm just going to stick my head in the volunteer, as he may be in there. He likes it when it's quiet. And there he is. Hello, mate.
How you doing? Do you want me to say fine? What? Do you want me to say I'm fine, how are you? Erm, you can say whatever, really. Can I say nothing? Sure. What's that? It's a lightbulb. Right. Why do you have a lightbulb on the table? Because I changed the lightbulb. One of ours? No, one of theirs. As in the volunteer? You changed a lightbulb in the pub? Yes.
Why exactly? To match the rest of the incandescent bulbs. This one was LED. Yet I remember you saying about seven or eight times, do you want to come for a walk? A walk? Yeah, around Regent's Park with me and Archie. Can I wear sunglasses and ear defenders? You can wear whatever you want, mate. Fine. Not a cloud in the sky. I can't believe it's October. Can you? I'm warm. I'm probably too warm.
I've only got a jumper on. It does have a fleecy little middle bit so there is that but still, it's madness. Do the ear defenders completely block what I'm saying or...? Unfortunately not. Right. Right. This way Archie, good boy. He likes it around here. So yeah, that's good. Because I was a bit worried about having a dog in London, you know. I mean there's having a dog in London then there's having a dog in Baker Street which is, you know, smack bang in London.
I just felt like it was a bit cruel, really. You know, taking him out of the Wiltshire countryside. Well, sort of countryside. Maybe suburbia would be more accurate. But, yeah. Yeah, he's a happy boy. Are you? Are you a happy boy, Sherlock? Just a bit overwhelmed. Overwhelmed?
Sensory overload sort of day. Exactly, Watson. That's alright, we'll take it easy. Yeah? Won't we, Archie? Oh God, he's just pissed on that woman's bike. Hiya. Hi, how you doing? Yeah, lovely, isn't it? Yeah. I don't want to take it easy, Watson. Well, what do you want to do? Focus. Yeah, yeah, I understand that. Here, look. What? Bread. Bread?
For the ducks. Sorry, what? I brought some bread to feed the ducks in the park. You're 34 years old. So? This is the behaviour of a geriatric, Watson. No, it isn't. Come on. There we go. Look. Good Lord. Look at them. They're loving it. The males are loving it. What? I said the male ducks are loving it.
The female ducks continue to be bullied and harassed, and when they give birth, those males will eat the young if they don't get out sharpish. Thanks for that, Mr Attenborough. You really are a breath of fresh air. Speaking of breath, don't let them near you. Duck saliva can carry salmonella and E. coli. Reckon that one I'll eat out of my hands. Very ballsy, you know? Yes, well, if it does, you can stay elsewhere for a week. Jesus Christ, they're coming right at me. Um, Sherlock. Sorry, sorry, lads, I'm out of bread. Ah!
I've got no bread. No bread. No more. No, no. Right, well, let's move on from here, shall we? You're smiling. I'm not smiling. Yes, you are. You enjoyed that. Yeah, you liked feeding the ducks, see? I did not enjoy feeding the ducks. Why are you smiling then? I'm smiling because the feral ones chased you. Well, I live to please. Archie, come on.
We could play Cluedo, couldn't we? What about that? I hope you're joking. Well, you know, that'll get all your detective mental faculties whirring, won't it? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Right, OK. Here's what we'll do. Let's grab a bench. Here, right? OK, and you can do your thing. Here, sit. My thing? Yeah, your thing. What's my thing?
Violin? No, not violin. Your observations. I want a case, Watson. A challenging case, not silly games. Well, you know, maybe you'll find a case. Yeah? Well, what about him? There, he looks dodgy. How exactly does he look dodgy, Watson? Well, he's pacing, for a start. Sifting through his wallet, he looks nervous, shifty. He is nervous.
20 week scan, University College Hospital. Say that again? He's waiting on the results of his ex-partner's level 2 ultrasound at University College Hospital. Ultrasound? Yes. Okay, talk me through your workings. His wallet contains two credit cards, one debit card, one driver's license and a gift card. I glanced at his phone when he walked past us about three minutes ago. He's checking the amount on the gift card while comparing with the corresponding store items on his phone, which means he's planning to use the gift card, just not yet.
Why not yet? But I saw he had two items in his basket. One of them he would delete, but not yet as he's holding off before discovering the sex of the baby and buying what he feels to be gender appropriate clothing.
In his back pocket is a disposable surgical mask which should have been disposed of eight weeks ago after its first use judging by the state of it. Why did he require one eight weeks ago? Because he attended his partner's 12-week ultrasound. He didn't actually require the mask as per hospital policy but they did give them out for free at reception so he took one and he brought it along today just in case. Just in case what? She forgave him. Why does she need to forgive him? Because she hasn't invited him to the 20-week scan. So whatever he has done hasn't been forgiven yet.
Ouch. Right, so he's in the doghouse? Indeed. Christ, not invited to the 20 week scan of his first baby. Third. What? His third, her first. How? Two dates on his wrist. One in 2018, one in 2015. That's two kids. Wedding ring tan lines, but no ring. Yeah, yeah, hair product and converse as well. What does that signify? Well, effort.
I suppose. Not always the sign of happily married men. I see. Also, purchasing your own child's first present with a gift card that was probably given from a much more considerate relative, I'm guessing his mother, is fairly indicative behaviour, isn't it? Oh, he's getting the call. Here we go. He's not leaping for joy, is he? It's a girl. Third in a row, I'd say.
What about her? The old lady with the M&S bag? Almost bankrupt. Buried her husband two years ago. Rheumatoid arthritis in her left ankle. Just done her shopping at Lidl, next to Warren Street Tube. Er, it's an M&S bag? An M&S bag, yes. To conceal the Lidl shop. Just a middle-class anxiety, I suspect.
Why is she almost bankrupt? Her outfit is expensive. Designer brands from head to toe, but exceptionally old. Even repaired in places. All that, but no jewellery. Why no jewellery? But lavish dress sense. Jewellery is easy to sell. Worn out clothing, not so much. And the husband? Yes. Died two years ago.
That's his walking stick she's using. It's orthopedic and intended for someone around six foot one, I'd say. Sorry, sorry. Where are we getting two years ago from? Well, something happened two years ago. Again, the walking stick makes me think passing of our husband as was the amount of items in her food shop, but yes...
Two years. Two years since she did her roots. Two years since she had Botox. Two years since her laser hair removal on her chin. Two years since the rubber was replaced on that walking stick. Two years since she became reliant on alcohol, a reliance that probably contributes to the financial insecurity. Well, this game has turned bleak, hasn't it? Yes, quite. And still no case.
You are doing some observing of your own, I see, Watson. The American girls over there. You seem to be captivated. Is there some intrigue I should be aware of? No, just... I was looking at loads of different people. I just focused on them, that's all. I see. And do they hold dark secrets below their low-cut tops? Perhaps you were examining their bums for signs of concealed weapons? Sherlock, just...
I briefly, very briefly glanced at them. That's all mate, alright? Then again... See? You're doing it now. A girl. A girl is missing. What? Their friend has vanished. Are you being serious?
Call them over here. Elaborate, please. Call them over to us. No, Sherlock, I can't do that. Why not? Because that's not how the world works, unfortunately. Elaborate, please. Because they're beautiful and I'm not. You know, I'm just some weirdo with a microphone shouting at them in the park. Right-o. Then we'll head over. Chop-chop. Sherlock, Sherlock, please, hold on. Talking to women that look like that is very complex and involves a vast amount of social cues and reading...
Sherlock, please, slow down, please. Watson, you worry too much. I know how to charm a woman, believe me. Oh, you do? Yes, I've done it before. I don't know. Sherlock, just... Ah, bollocks. I'm starting to really panic now. Hello there. How are you both? Oh, Jesus. Are you feeling very well?
You'll notice there isn't a cloud in the sky. A brief formation of cumulus humulus this morning, I noted. Dissipated now, of course. Very little moisture left for the convection. Certainly no air currents. Cumulus humulus needs around two to five metres per second to sustain the... This is my companion, Dr John Watson. Hiya. Hi. Hi. Hi. Yeah, this is my dog Archie.
We are two bachelors that reside not far from here. Sorry, but we're really not in the mood for conversation, okay? Oh, me neither. Exhausting, isn't it? Right, lovely. Let's just get to it, then. Get to what, exactly? He just means... Come to the flat and reveal everything. Everything. Oh, my God. My companion will need to document the whole thing. Are you insane? Get the hell out of here, asshole.
No, no, no, no, no. We can explain. Explain what? That you want us to give you some show in your apartment? You're gross. You're sick. What is that? It's that's a microphone. So let me just explain. This episode is brought to you by Amazon. Amazon has curated selections of college essentials from dorm room hacks to Internet famous finds.
So this is 221A. This is our main office. You see there's...
This is where clients will come for unsolved crimes. And, ah, this is Mariana. Hi. Yeah, so Mariana works here. Hi, nice to meet you. This is Alice and Ivy. They're from San Francisco. Ah, cool. Very cool.
I thought you were working? No, I... yeah, it's a case. This is a case. You two, upstairs immediately. Watson, will you be joining us? Yeah, of course. Definitely. Just gonna grab my laptop. Bye. Nice to meet you. Bye. Nice to meet you. Just grabbing the laptop. The old lappy. Lappy-toppy. Yeah, sure. Just over there. Hey, Archie! How was your walk, buddy? Did John get distracted? Yeah.
What are you saying to him? Oh, nothing, nothing. Just talking about you. Anything nice? He said he wants to stay down here in the office with me. Right, yes. Is that good with you, Arch? Hang out down here?
Okay, then. Right. Well, okay. Yes. Better get back to work. See you in a bit. Yeah. See you. See you later on, then. Bye, Archie. Right. Hello again. Did anyone want a cup of tea? Never mind tea. Tell me. Speak. So, yeah. We're from San Francisco. We're staying here in London because our friend Harriet, best friend, got married. Was going to get married, I mean, to a British guy. So we didn't...
How did we first find out about them? She sent his Twitter thing, remember? The Noble Bachelor. Right. The Noble Bachelor. What's the Noble Bachelor? So, two years ago, Harriet came here to do a master's degree in political science, and, like, it was a fresh start for her, because her previous boyfriend was killed in a car accident. Oh, wow. Yeah. So about six months after that, she moved to here, to London, to do her master's.
That was two years ago. And then it was literally maybe two months ago, she messages us this Twitter profile of this guy called The Noble Bachelor. And he's this really cool, sweet guy, writes a bunch of books and articles and stuff on, like, how to be a modern man, how to respect women, how to... whatever. Just, like, how to be a good guy, basically. And she says to us, she's dating him. And then she sends, like, a couple of selfies of them, looking totally into each other and everything. And then, I'm not joking, like...
What would you say, Ivy? Three weeks later? Yeah, three or four weeks. Get on with it. Sherlock. She's like, we're getting married. That's fast. Super fast. And she's not over Frank at all. Frank is her... the boyfriend that died. Car accident. Where? When? New Mexico? Right? Yeah, New Mexico. It would have been 2021. Like...
Why was he in New Mexico? Huh? Why was he in New Mexico? Was he from there? Why wasn't she with him? No, he... I don't know. Frank was kind of sketchy. His family were, I guess, crime-related. Crime...
Adjacent? Continue. Right, yeah. So we're a bit freaked out by the marriage thing, but also it's kind of nice. She gets this romantic adventure to London, she meets the perfect guy and they're like gonna have this magical wedding in the park. In Regent's Park? Yeah. When? Yesterday. Lovely day for it. Great weather. Gets dark early is the only problem, but I bet if you had a pavilion with some twinkly lights it'd be- Watson. Yep. So, uh, what happened?
So, we meet the noble bachelor last week when we arrive for the wedding. Robert. And he's... Yeah. He's really cool. Really nice. Charming. Thoughtful. And just... A catch. That kind of eased our feelings a little bit. Yeah. Totally. That was like, okay, cool. Harriet hasn't completely lost her mind. Or worse, she's not like, I don't know, brainwashed by some creepy British guy or whatever. So, yeah. Yeah.
To the wedding. To yesterday. We did a rehearsal in the morning. What did you rehearse? Pardon me? The wedding. What? They rehearsed the wedding. What on earth for? People like to run through weddings beforehand. You know, just so everyone knows their place and what to do. Good God. Carry on.
Let's get this over and done with. So, we do the rehearsal. There's no vows or anything. Everybody just kind of stands in position and then they walk back down the aisle after the fake I do's and she like collapses. Like fainting. Because of...
The heat? It's nine in the morning. It's not even remotely hot. So we pick her up. Who's "we"? Robert, me, and Alice. And a couple of guests. What guests? I don't know. A lot of guests were from out of town, so they were just waiting around. Helping out with seating and stuff? Yeah, so it was Robert, me, and Alice. The hat guy and the girl, I think Robert's cousin, I think she is? Yeah. So she's up. The guy goes to get her water and she is totally white. Almost green. Yeah, almost green.
She's having like a visceral reaction to the idea of this wedding. So we figure the best thing to do is to go someplace with her, back to our hotel or whatever, and just talk to her. Get to the bottom of how, you know, like, what the hell just happened. And she is just not the same, right? Yeah. Not the same. Something is up. How so? I can't put my finger on what was wrong. But something was wrong. It was like...
I dunno. It was like she... It felt... dangerous. Dangerous? Yeah. She just... could not be around Robert anymore.
I don't know what happened the night before or whatever, but this is just a huge red flag. And then Flora. Flora? Yeah, Flora. Sorry, who's Flora? A freaking psycho bitch. Like, just insane bunny boiler psycho. Watson, bunny boiler? From a movie, Fatal Attraction. It's a term to describe women who aggressively go after men. In this case, Glenn Close boils the guy's...
daughter's bunny, I think. We're back in the park and there's a pavilion set up where people are doing like cute tea and scones and stuff and we go to make some scones for Harriet to try to make her feel better. Like maybe it was low blood sugar. I don't know. I'm standing next to this guy in the tent and he's giving me some dumb talk about putting cream on first and then jam. I don't know. And then this flora check.
like, sprints into the tent and throws herself at Harriet. Like, an attack? Every kind of attack you can imagine. Physical, verbal, she's crying and screaming. She's like, don't marry him, you bitch, you this, you that. You slag. She said, you slag, right? Yeah. Like, what does that even mean? Right, well, she's English then. Yeah, she's Robert's ex-girlfriend, and she goes completely batshit on Harriet. But, sorry, just to clarify, she's warning her not to marry him or...
She's attacking her for marrying him. Both, I guess? Yeah, it was "don't marry him, but also I'm gonna kill you" sort of vibe. That cools down eventually, somehow. And the next thing you know, it's beginning, right? The whole ceremony... Look, this is the video I have from the altar where we wait for her. Oh, looks lovely.
Violins, Sherlock. Look! They're in the wrong key. It was... super cute. Like, it was just perfect Harriet style and everything. An okay turnout? Yeah, she was worried because it's such a long way for our friends to come. She was worried that it wouldn't be great. But he got quite a lot of guests and it actually turned out okay. So... where is she? Exactly. We haven't seen her.
Since Flora. What? She didn't come down the aisle, she didn't come find us, she didn't go back to her apartment, she didn't call us, message us, nothing. But she's been on WhatsApp. Yeah, that's right. She's been on WhatsApp as in she's messaged or she's just... I've literally seen the name pop up as online. Even this morning. Okay, um, Sherlock, any questions?
I need names of attendees. I can forward that to you now. I was made of honour, so I have all the... Yeah, here. It also has, like, how they know the couple, so there it says, like, Harriet's dad, Harriet's college friend. Yeah. Forwarding not necessary. Let me read it. OK, done. Thank you. Oh!
Who's Mariana with? Right, that'll be all. Please be on your way. Don't you want to work with the police or something? Nope. This way, please. Watson here will see you out. Alrighty. Okay. Well, I have both your numbers and we'll be in touch when we have more info. Sorry, let me just... Hiya. Oh, hi, John. Hello, mate. Hi, pal. You all right? This is Robert. Hi, mate. Nice to meet you. I'll be in in a sec.
What? What is he doing here? Wait, that's Robert. Harriet's Robert. Jesus. Oh, God. Oh, God, he's following us. Shit. What do we do? Just go. Go. I'll keep him here for a while. Just go. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Okay, I'll be in touch. Thank you, John. Hello there, Robert. Um, sorry. Hi. I'm Dr. John Watts. Great to meet you. I'm a big fan of the podcast. I...
What, really? Yeah, illustrious client, mate. Incredible. Oh, my God. He sends questions in. No way. Have I replied to you on Twitter yet? No, I'm still bloody waiting. Oh, God, sorry, mate. I'll read them out on the show next week. How about that? Eh? God, bloody hell, I feel like a celeb.
Oh, Robert. Would you like some time with John and Sherlock to discuss a potential case? Yeah, sure. Come up. Come up. Oh, John. I've just forwarded Sherlock an email. Make sure he reads it. Please.
You helped her up when she fell? I did, yeah. Me and the girls. And a couple of other guests? Yeah, I think there was a fella and another girl. Your cousin, no? My cousin? The girl that helped. Oh, God, yeah, right. Second cousin. Don't know her all that well, to be honest. She lives in London, though, so you sort of have to invite, don't you?
Harriet was always worried that we might not have good numbers there, so padded out a little bit on my side. You even invited Flora. How do you... I just do. I ask, you explain. She... she wasn't invited. So, she crashed the wedding? Yeah. Yeah.
We got her out of there before the ceremony. Not that the ceremony properly happened, obviously, but yeah. And you haven't seen or heard from her since? No. No, nothing. Any WhatsApp messages? Nothing. What was her mood like on the day? I mean, the Flora thing was tough. Must have been tough for Harriet. You didn't see her afterwards? After Flora? Yeah. Yeah.
Nah, no, no, because she was dressed by then and I didn't want to see, you know, the dress. But, yeah, Flora is... She has quite severe issues, let's say. She was on a few medications when I knew her. Was with her, I mean. Not that I'm trying to stigmatise people on medication, I just mean it's hard for people in that situation, isn't it? And I know that through the grapevine, at least, I know that things have, well, they've gotten worse. What do you know of Frank? Frank...
Who's Frank? Harriet's deceased boyfriend. Frank, right, of course. Excuse me. Yeah, he seemed a good guy. I know it caused a big rift in the family, so I never really, like, prodded it too much. Rift? What, his death? No, he... his family were organised crime, I think, yeah. Oh, not just crime adjacent? Don't think so.
I mean, he's not like Sopranos or anything, but yeah, Frank's dad is in prison, so I never really knew if the car accident thing was real or whether it was a shooting or an assassination or God knows what. But Harriet and her parents don't really speak that much. All because of Frank? Well, I don't think he was the problem, but the family didn't want to be associated with that family. Right. Um...
Sherlock, anything else? Why Harriet? Sorry? Why did you choose Harriet? I didn't choose her. I fell in love with her. The Noble Bachelor. A very popular little enterprise you have. Why throw it all away for Harriet? Is it because of her family's money? God, no. Absolutely not. Harriet Doran. Daughter of Aloysius Doran, tech entrepreneur and celebrated philanthropist. Harriet?
How did you know all that? Because he's emailed our company. Looking to use our services. Quite the demand for this young lady, isn't there? If you could show yourself out. If there's anything else I can do, or provide, please just let me know, yeah? Yeah, of course, of course. Really great to meet you both. Please, bring her back. What do you think? No, Watson. What do you think? Of what? Of him. What? Mr Perfect?
Mr. Perfect, indeed. Jesus, Mariana, it's nearly 11. Are you okay? What is it? Archie, is he okay? Is Archie okay? I was walking him in the park. It is so dark, but I could see this white thing.
floating in the ponds and I... I pulled it out. What is that? Mariana, what is that? That's the wedding dress of Harriet Doran. MUSIC
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