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So, do you have a child who is disorganized, forgetful, and seems to have selective hearing? Does your child struggle with writing and get frustrated trying to get thoughts from head to paper? What about a bossy child who likes to control people and situations? Or maybe that's your spouse. How about a child who melts down over little things?
Well, good. You're not alone. We had 1,500 of these kids in our home over the course of a decade, so I wanted to share some insight into these kids and encourage you. And that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin.
founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son who struggled with all of these things. His name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what are you struggling with? We will reply back to you personally, usually very quickly because we want to help you. Hey, quick side note I just remembered. I know the ads on the podcast can be annoying at times and I'm just asking this as a favor.
It does support the podcast and we do get paid from those, but I only get paid if you actually listen to the ads. But even if you listen at like a speed of like 1.2 or 1.5, it still works. It's just a favor I'm going to ask of you because as long as I'm recording those ads,
We may as well kind of get paid from them. So that's kind of awkward. But anyway, those of you who have been around, you know me by now. We're friends. This is what we do. So anyway, I wanted to share some encouragement, some ideas. This kind of comes from the ADHD University program that we have.
It's cool. You can download it right from our handy app onto your phone or your tablet, share it with your spouse. And if you request, it's easy. We'll even share it with your child's teacher. So it's kind of cool. So first thing I want to go through is when you have a child, a strong willed child, a child on the spectrum,
It's different. You're going to have to parent them differently. So I want to go through it first, 10 priorities for you as parents, and then dig into why your kids are kind of bossy, why they do all these things and give you some practical tools. So number one, your kids are different. They're not broken. And you may have to go through a grieving process of sorts because your child may have special needs that cause some pain and discomfort.
But realize your child is not broken. They're just different and they need different tools to succeed. You didn't create or cause this. It's not anyone's fault. Your child just may be different than the one you had imagined or pictured. I didn't like Casey when he was little because he couldn't live up to my expectations. Everything was difficult with him.
But it was my issue and I wouldn't trade Casey and all of those challenging traits for anything in the world. And I do want to continue to encourage you. He's grown now. All of those traits that irritate you right now about your child, I promise you one day, almost all of those traits will be responsible for their success in the real world. I see it almost daily with him. Number two.
People are going to try to put your kids in a box. Do not let them. You must have courage to be a ruthless advocate for your child's best interests. You're going to have to be the one who says no to extra homework, and I do encourage you at times to do that. Say no to your in-law's judgment. Say no to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your child. Say no to society trying to crush your child's spirit.
It's going to make you uncomfortable. It will make you an outcast at times. People are going to lecture you. They're going to judge you, look down on you. They're going to shake their heads at you. But you're the parent. These are your choices, nobody else's. You get to decide what is best for your child, not the school and not anyone else. And I want you to trust your instincts. Number three,
You must parent these kids differently, not because of a diagnosis, but because their brains and hearts are different, not wrong, just different. And so it requires a different tone, different strategies. And we do this all day at work. You influence different people in different ways. I'm not talking about making excuses for your kids or coddling them, not at all. But we're going to use some different strategies. Why? Because they respond differently to different things. Number four.
These kids will change you because they are different than you. They will stretch you and cause you to go through really uncomfortable situations and feelings. They're going to thankfully make you aware of triggers and buttons you didn't know you had. And that will cause you to grow up and become a different, better person. I speak from experience. I'm a completely different person now.
largely because of Casey and I'm thankful for that and I wouldn't change any of that. It's just hard.
you're going to learn that your way isn't necessarily the only way or the right way. A mom recently told me this, this is cool, I can totally relate to this, my daughter looks exactly like me, however, personality-wise, she's completely different. I struggle to get her to understand things that seem logical to me and were easy for me as a child,
I have to remember that she is different, learns differently, and that she isn't me. Now that's good insight. Number five, these kids will change you because they're just like you. And you may discover that your kids irritate you precisely because they're just like you in some ways. And because you love them, you don't want them to struggle like you did. And so you'll try to force them to change.
but instead you have a really unique opportunity to identify with your kids so that they don't feel alone. You'll be able to share some of your struggles and how you overcame them so you can learn together. Number six,
I could do an entire podcast on this, but it says control your anxiety over their future. Resist the urge to project current troubles out 5, 10, or 20 years. And I get why we do this because you look at your child now and you're like, who is going to marry this child? Who could possibly hire this child? He's going to be living in my basement. I get all of that. But kids grow and mature.
Be ruthless in dealing with the present. Stop spreading, well, what are we going to do in two years? I don't know. Let's deal with what you do. We can control what we can do right now. And we'll get to that later, right? Know that you're a lot different than you were age five or eight or 13 or 16. I hope. Number seven, be strong and resolute.
I'm going to repeat it again. Number eight.
You get to determine what you value and what's important. You can either be swept along by society and try to fit your child into society's mold or determine what is really important and what is best for each of your children. I would encourage you, write down all the qualities necessary to be a responsible, emotionally healthy adult with good relationships because that's what matters in the end, right? All the stuff that we do with school, you got to get into the right school. No, you don't.
I want to make sure that I have a responsible, emotionally healthy adult with good relationships. Everything after that is kind of a bonus. And then focus relentlessly on building those traits in your child. Here's the tough part. That is not what schools and society and maybe your spouse usually value. So there's conflict there.
Who wins that conflict is your choice. And you have to discern between what is important and what isn't, right? Impulse control, that's a must. I've got to teach my child impulse control. But sitting still in circle time when you're four, not really that important for life success. So you get to decide those things. Number nine, spend your energy cultivating your child's natural gifts, talents, and passions.
We tend to spend in modern day society 80% of our energy trying to fix everything that's wrong with our child. And meanwhile, all the stuff that they're naturally good at begins to atrophy because we don't use it. And I would encourage you, beware of falling into the trap of making your kids fit others' expectations at the expense of your child's confidence.
That's when kids feel like they're being fixed. That relentless focus on all their negatives causes kids to shut down or become oppositional. Meanwhile, the very gifts and passions that breed confidence, they begin to atrophy. Here's a really good, let's just sink in. Other parents don't worry about getting their kids, their neurotypical kids to be like yours, right?
So why do you try to make your child be like theirs? Let me say that again. Other parents don't worry about getting their kids to be like yours. They're not, I wish my child was more creative. I wish my child spoke up more. I wish my child didn't give a rip about certain things and just did what he wanted. Those are great traits for innovators, for entrepreneurs. All those traits, I wish my, they don't say that. It's only in our society that we try to fix our kids.
See, if it were up to me, I'd be fixing the other kids, the compliant ones who follow rules all the time, never color outside the lines, the kids who are people pleasers. Those are not good traits and those traits will hurt you in the real world. I'd be trying to fix them, not our kids. So stop trying to make your child fit and be like everybody else. Number 10, you must lead with calm authority.
Many of our kids are emotional, sensitive, oppositional. They're prone to meltdowns and arguing. And you're going to have power struggles. You are. They're going to test you. And if you react to them and they can push your buttons, then they are in complete control. And they're not supposed to be in control. It makes them feel unsafe. So they will also pick up on tension in your marriage. And they know when parents aren't on the same page. So you're going to have to work on that.
Right? And I appreciate all of those of you who have really invested your time in our programs, Calm Parenting Podcast, and our program, and you've worked through that 30 days to calm, and you're working on yourself to be the calm leader. Thank you for that. That is a gift to your kids, and it's the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So let's look at, I want to look at 10 symptoms of a brain that needs order and structure.
And so if you have one of our programs, you'll get this really cool chart and we go through it in great detail. But I wanted to give you a flavor of that. And this is the approach we're going to take today.
Your child's behavior will tell you everything you need to know about your child. I want you to become experts at observing your child's outward behavior and discerning what is really going on inside. When your child's irritable in the afternoon, just yelling, stop being irritable, doesn't change anything. But if you give your child a snack or a nap,
then your child's not irritable anymore. You didn't change the outward behavior. You met the internal need. And almost every human behavior is driven by our response to or an attempt to meet a need. We're all trying to meet different needs.
So if we can proactively meet those needs, many of the negative outward behaviors can be mitigated or changed or they just go away. You guys already know this. Consequences are not going to work for your kids, right? If we don't get to the root of the issue and give them tools to succeed. It's only going to result in escalation of consequences and a lot of frustration for everybody. That's why I despise the red, yellow, and green behavior charts that schools use.
And when I go in and I train teachers, we get rid of those because they don't work. And instead, we talk about giving kids tools to succeed in the classroom. Because no matter how hard they try, some of your kids are never going to get to green. Their best day is a faint yellow, right? And so what they figure out, if I'm going to be on red today, I may as well double down and make it a really bad day. And so what happens is you just continue that cycle of failure without giving the child tools to change.
A little side note, if you're interested, I'm doing this for the first part of 2024.
I like training teachers, but it costs way too much for me to travel to a school and do that. I've got all the travel expenses all that time, but I could train your school's teachers right over Zoom, and I can get a lot done because you hear how fast I talk. In 60 minutes, in 75 minutes, in 90 minutes, I'll do two hours, whatever they want. I'll do that, and I'm doing that now. I'm
Traditional professional development usually costs anywhere from like $2,500 to $7,500. It's expensive, but I can do it around your school schedule. If you're interested, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com and we'll set that up. It's really practical. Teachers love it because it's fun, it's interesting, and it's very, very practical.
So we've been talking about working with your child's nature. Online learning allowed us the flexibility to work with Casey's natural learning style. And that's why I encourage you to check out K-12 at k12.com slash calm. K-12 powered schools are accredited tuition-free online public schools designed with an engaging curriculum. With K-12, learning is personalized and
and provides the flexibility your family needs. When school can be anywhere there's internet access, your kids can learn at their own pace, in their own place. And K-12 powered schools have state certified teachers specially trained in teaching online.
Join the more than 2 million families who have been served by K-12 and empower your student to reach their full potential now. Go to k12.com slash calm today to learn more and find a tuition-free K-12 powered school near you. That's the letter K, the number 12.com slash calm. K12.com slash calm.
So in the ADHD University program, we look at three primary needs your kids have and the behaviors associated with them. Number one, some of your kids have a high need for order, structure, and consistency. Number two, some kids' brains are physiologically understimulated, so they need to be stimulated in positive ways. It's partly why they argue with you and pick on their siblings. Number three,
Other kids need help with sensory integration. And some of you are very lucky because your kids have all three of these needs and more.
On this podcast, I'm going to do a little bit more of a deep dive into the need for order and structure. And if you like this, email me, let me know. I can do one on the need for stimulation. We can do one on sensory issues. So let's dive into this. So think of your child's brain as a city and it's got streets and avenues and highways that carry very important traffic.
The streets are neuropathways and the traffic is all the information, sensory input, impulses, feelings, instructions, and even your wonderful lectures that the brain has to process. The traffic is supposed to flow seamlessly from one side of the city to the other. But three interesting things happen in the brains of our more challenging creative children.
Number one, traffic lights are often not in sync. So the chemicals in the brain, the neurotransmitters, help brain cells communicate with each other. But in our kids, some of these neurotransmitters experience difficulty communicating. It's like the traffic signals that regulate traffic in the brain are just blinking yellow. So let's say it's like Friday afternoon at rush hour in your city and the traffic lights break.
Traffic lights break. What's the result? You're gonna have gridlock traffic jams frustration and chaos and I bet you see a lot of this in your kids They have these very busy brains with thoughts and feelings bouncing around like socks in a dryer They've got like Ferrari brains, but not good brakes It feels like they don't have much control over what's going on inside their brains so they have a not high need to control things on the outside the order structure consistency and
So, how do we see this chaos manifest in our children? This is where it gets interesting. I've got 10 different things that happen. We may only make it through a couple of these right now. You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface, and it's the same with acne. Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see, it's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores. Look, acne can be painful,
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They are often disorganized, forgetful, and it seems like they have selective hearing. They struggle with short-term memory and will often ask you to repeat yourself. When you send them to their room to get their shoes, they'll come back down 45 minutes later with a really cool Lego project they built.
Some of that is an executive function issue, which we can get to. Some of your kids also have auditory processing issues. I struggle with that. Words get jumbled in my brain. It's one reason I don't like ordering through drive-thrus because everything kind of gets jumbled.
So here's the thing. With a brain that is busy and disorganized, it does make it more difficult to remember things. But that's not an excuse. I want your kids to learn how to listen, to remember, to follow directions. And so here are some tools.
Let's make directions very specific and concrete. Using generalities disappears into the ether. So I give very specific time limits. We're leaving at 3:42 p.m. Bedtime is at 7:49. We're leaving in seven and a half minutes. Bet you can't get that done in the next three and a half minutes. Specificity tends to stick in the brain.
I tend to also make things harder. I give missions. When we had kids at our house and I wanted them to do chores, I made it more difficult. Bet you can't sweep backwards. Bet you can't go down the stairs, get that done blindfolded. I made it harder because they like the challenge. If it's too boring, brain falls asleep a little bit.
Use a firm, non-emotional matter-of-fact tone with your kids. Don't rationalize, don't explain, don't go on and on. I want you to get in the habit of saying things clearly, firmly, directly, and specifically. And just say them once. Don't repeat yourself or you're training your kids not to listen to you. And I like getting kids accustomed to this tradition in your home. Now listen, I'm going to say this.
It's not going to work all the time with a strong-willed child. They have very busy brains and you're going to have to repeat yourself and say it in different ways. But at least begin with this. Hey, I'm going to tell you once and after that, I'm going to enforce the consequence without saying anything else. Or I say, hey, I'm going to tell you one time.
and then I expect you to do it. And if you don't, here's what's gonna happen. I promise you this is what's going to happen, and then I keep my promise. Your kids can listen when it's important and when it's meaningful to them, or sometimes, right, when you really stimulate the brain and make it harder. So create traditions in your home and classroom. Some activities that are the same every day, every week, no matter what.
This is even more important if you share split custody with your spouse. Really important. So no matter whose home the child is in, there are three traditions that are the same every day. What do you always do when you wake your child up?
Is there a fun morning tradition like a treasure hunt to begin the day when your child comes home from school? Your child always does X or puts his backpack in the same place. That's whether it's your home or your ex-spouse's home. What's the bedtime routine? You shouldn't have to recreate the wheel every day. So how do you roll as a family? Be consistent. Create some of those traditions. When we had 1,500 kids in our home, I got tired of reminding them not to run through my front door.
And I'd learned how to say halt in about 14 different languages, but it didn't work till I created a tradition. Guys, here's a tradition in my home. When anyone walks through
the door of my home, they must do so in slow motion. There's that principle of instead of telling your kids what not to do, tell them what to do. So the kids loved it. And when their parents came to pick them up or the UPS guy brought a delivery, guess what? The little cops, judges, and attorneys, these kids made their parents and the UPS guy walk into my house in slow motion. It's just the way we roll in our home. It's the way we do it.
Create anchors in the schedule that give your kids something to count on. Like Technology Free Tuesday. The kids know there are no video games that day, so don't even ask. And that applies, by the way, to mom and dad. We're Technology Free Tuesday, and if you want to do it between 4 and 7 p.m., fine.
That's a nice three-hour break. Definitely during dinner time, right? That's a good tradition of dinner time. No screens. And that includes you, dad. I know you're important, but you don't have to have your phone going on during dinner time. Unless your wife is pregnant. Well, you would be there. I was just saying like if her water breaks, you got to know, but you should like be there with her. But you know what I mean? If there's an emergency, maybe you keep your phone there, but don't make any excuses. So, um,
But no screens on that day. Technology-free Tuesday. I will play a board game. I'll go outside with you. I'll do all kinds of other things. Or you can sit and be bored and be miserable, and I'm okay with that as well. On Wednesdays, we eat dinner in our pajamas. Friday is movie night.
I just like traditions. Use nonverbals. Turn lights off to signal that dinner time is happening because your voice gets so lost. Look, our parents barely even spoke to us, so they didn't have to speak a lot. So we were used to it. But we talk so much with our kids, it becomes like Charlie Brown's teacher, wah, wah, wah, and we can't even hear it.
But music is awesome because it has rhythm. So it's good at pacing your kids to move without having to yell at them. When it's time to eat, take a bath, leave the house, pick up toys, play a certain song. So they associate the song with that activity. By the way, it's a great way to do homework as well.
Right, but you can't get your clothes on before this song is over. Excuse a little bit younger, but you can use this for older kids. By the way, nonverbals for older kids, awesome, because your teenagers don't want to hear your voice. You know why? Because your voice is irritating. Guess what? Their voice is irritating to you. So I don't mind in teen years using a lot more nonverbals, leaving notes, sending a text, writing an email. That way they can process it without me standing over them in my annoying parent tone.
Your kids are going to struggle with this their entire life. So I want you to teach your kids to make written lists as reminders. The process of writing tasks on paper helps imprint the task on the brain.
Do not become the reminder for your kids. Just say, you know, make a note, make a note. Let them own the consequences when they forget something. Again, use that with some wisdom. It's not all the time. We don't want them. You know what I mean? If you let them, they miss something and now there's a four day meltdown, not a great use of wisdom there, but for smaller things, get them in the habit of doing that. Don't become their crutch for some of these things.
It's worth the short-term pain and inconvenience to teach them how to make the note and keep notepads around. I do this, look, I do this for myself all the time because I have a very busy brain and I don't put a lot of time into having good short-term memory. Why? Because I don't need to. Because I send myself emails with notes. I write notes down on a pad of paper. I will put that note by the front door so I don't forget. I leave things out
buy my keys so I don't forget. Why? Because that allows me to use my brain to be more creative and to come up with ideas and to do what I do. So my son, you know Casey, if you've talked to him, he used to be the most disorganized, forgetful kid you can imagine.
But he's seen me practice this for years when I get back from my errands. There'll be a note on the floor, lay out chicken so we can eat at 6 p.m. instead of midnight. And now, guess what? Casey is a master list maker now. He has this cute little yellow legal pad and he puts little boxes and then he gets to check things off. Why? Nice sense of accomplishment there when you check something off. And now he doesn't have to worry about forgetting because he's got it all written down and it's visual.
Teach your kids to use concrete tools. I set the timer on my iPhone to remind me that maybe laundry needs to be put in the dryer or I have a scheduled phone call. Don't remind them to get them off their video games. They can set an alarm on their phone or use a timer. They need to learn how to do this. Don't be their timer for them.
Many of your kids forget to turn in homework, even though they completed it. So create a new tradition. As soon as homework is completed, they scan it, take a picture on your phone, and they email it to the teacher. They just turned in their homework. And I think that's a brilliant solution. So push back if teachers don't let you do that. But be very kind because it's a horrible, horrible job. Now being a teacher, it's really, really hard. It just is.
Okay, research shows that kids and husbands often remember directions when you paint visual images in the brain. Words disappear, images stick. This is what I use with, hey Casey, hey, when you zip into your bedroom, picture putting your glove, bat, and cleats in the trunk of a Ferrari because he loves sports cars and he would remember that visual.
Create visual organizers. Have a whiteboard in your kitchen. I love a whiteboard in the kitchen with each day's schedule clearly marked for each of your kids so they can see what's going on. They can anticipate changes to routine because that's a big deal. That's why I like kind of Sunday night at dinner. Go through the week's activities. Hey, Jacob, remember Tuesday we normally do X, but this Tuesday you have an appointment so you're not going to that different place.
Give them, try to get out in front of those things. It's just helpful for them to know three days ahead of time rather than when you pick them up from school. So it gives them a sense of ownership and they can start to even create, older kids can use the whiteboard to kind of plan out their evening from 3 p.m. till they go to bed at 10 or midnight, which is reality of how are you gonna block off your work? And you can show them how to start using that visual organizers for their time.
And, you may want to think about an arranged marriage with a spouse whose strengths complement your child's. Kidding. So anyway, perspective. I believe that this brain functioning, as challenging as it can be, is somewhat purposeful.
See, most good managers are process-oriented. They're great at managing details. So they need all these traits. But many of you have kids who are leaders, and leaders tend to be conceptual, big-picture visionaries, inspirational leaders. It is rare to find people who excel in both areas, right? If you have a visionary leader, he's usually not very good or she is not good at details.
And so you need both. So having a very organized brain is excellent, but it often precludes one from thinking abstractly, from being whimsical or spontaneous or being super creative. We need both kinds of people.
And I would rather you spend most of your energy cultivating your child's natural gifts, talents, and strengths. And then let's, in these areas where they're weak, let's just give them some tools so they get a little bit more proficient in there. But they don't have to be uber proficient at it, great at it. We just need them to be able to organize certain things.
So here, what are some other things that your kids experience, right? Your child may struggle with slow processing speed and executive function, planning, organizing, following through on directions. Your kids may struggle with organizing thoughts in their heads and getting the thoughts down from head to paper and writing. I have some awesome ideas for that.
Many of your kids struggle with anxiety, especially over new situations or doing things that are unfamiliar. And some of your kids will ask this all the time. What's the plan? What's the plan? What are we doing? The busy brain and anxiety is why your kids may melt down over little things that go wrong, not big things. Having this kind of brain makes it easier to become overwhelmed and shut down. Have you noticed also that your kids have a strong sense of justice and fairness?
and they have to prosecute their point until they know they're right until you finally acknowledge it. Irritating trait, but I can tell you why that is. Many of your kids don't have a lot of order inside, so they become controlling and bossy. It's why they change the rules of the game. They cheat. They quit when playing games.
and lacking internal structure, people like our kids often struggle with sort of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, some perfectionism. They need things to be just so. Many of us are like that as well, right? And so we don't have time to go through all of these traits and how to help them here,
So I do encourage you, listen to the ADHD University series. Your child doesn't have to have ADHD at all. It's just an easy way to say kids who have different brains. It's one of my favorite programs because it's very, very detailed, a lot of practical stuff. If you get that program, you can share it with your child's teachers in a very easy way and it'll be helpful.
So let's remember as we go forward this week, when you see a child or a student display these behaviors, watch them and ask yourself, what need is the child trying to meet? Know that most of the time these behaviors emanate as a result of chaos inside the child's brain. It's a search for order, structure, and consistency that they don't have internally.
And the more proactive you become at meeting this need, the smoother life goes for these kids. And so you can understand why some of your kids come home and they're exhausted at the end of the school day and have big meltdowns because it took a lot of emotional, mental energy to hold it all together all day.
If you had to deal with this all day, you'd be tired on edge as well. So that's why your kids may behave well for teachers, but lose it as soon as they get home. So have some traditions for after school, for daycare. Give your kids a way to feel some measure of control or ownership.
That's partly the lore of video games is that they're in complete control of that screen, of what they're doing. They don't have to listen to someone else. They control the controllers. Now, I prefer vigorous exercise, physical exertion. At the end of the day, I like a treasure hunt. Hide something out in the snow, out in the backyard. Listening to music, playing guitar, wrestling with a dog or other non-screen ways to relax are awesome.
Look, if you found this helpful, let me know and we can go through some other parts. I did one. There are 10 different ways that this manifests just for order and structure. There's a whole section on stimulating the brain and then sensory orders.
issues, if you want help with that, just email us and let me know and I'll try to do some podcasts on those topics. If you need help, email Casey. If you need financial help with getting the Calm Parenting Package or to get everything, let us know. It's what we do. We're here to help out. And if you want us to train school's teachers or your child's teachers,
let us know that as well. And we'll send you the proposal you can forward to them or you can just purchase it and then we'll coordinate with them when they want to do it. So thank you all. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this podcast. Thank you for being willing to change yourself. This is hard work, but you're a really good mom, really good dad, and your kids are going to be okay. Let's just put some of these things into place. Okay, love you all. Bye-bye.
