Triggered By Sibling Fights, Noise, Messes & More?
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What about kids leaving messes everywhere or fighting with each other? Well, of course you do. But when you react, you make power struggles worse, behavior never changes, and relationships become strained. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to show you exactly how to overcome your triggers and break these generational patterns. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, we all have our triggers.

probably since childhood. So these are deeply ingrained. And if you don't deal with these, you'll have constant and unnecessary power struggles with your kids because they know your buttons. And the strong willed kids, they're awesome at pushing them. And you will hurt your relationship with your kids. And you know, it's one of the worst parts is you won't ever get them to stop doing what they're doing. And everybody's going to end up frustrated by this.

And you know what? You're going to miss opportunities to bond with your kids, to teach them life skills, and to focus on what's really important. All because you got triggered by things within you that are not your kids' issues.

And look, I'm going to be a little bit tough here. Don't force your kids to be responsible for your triggers. These are for you to deal with, not for your kids to work around your triggers. Otherwise, what we're really saying is, I've never dealt with my own triggers and can't deal with this. So you need to change so that I won't be triggered and you need to change because I can't or won't change.

So what we're doing is we are breaking generational patterns so your kids won't struggle with these things like we have. That's a great gift to your kids and I respect you for doing this work. And we're modeling for them how to control ourselves, transform ourselves, and handle difficult situations in life. Look, that's way more important than kids doing their homework, making their bed, or just doing chores.

We are reconciling our past, making peace with it so it can stay there. We're making generational changes. And look, you're creating a new family tree. So let's go through four examples and different ways to handle this. Now, one of the ones that is going to really trip you up is when siblings are arguing, squabbling, and fighting with each other.

So a dad had told me one of his boys would provoke the other one and then he'd get involved and make it, in his quotes, infinitely worse. So I want to show you how this dad worked through this process.

It's in our 30 Days to Calm program. And the first step is, well, you just identify your trigger. And then I always ask parents, like, diagram how this typically plays out. How do you respond? And then what is the result? So the dad said, well, one brother provokes the other.

The other brother responds, and this encourages the provoking child to keep going. Why? Because they're looking for brain stimulation. And their heightened voices provoke my response as the dad. And when things go for longer than a minute or two,

I barge into the room, stand over them, start lecturing, and then one or both of the boys then raise their voices or provide a smart aleck response. My response is then what? To escalate Yale Bark Order's

And the result is chaos. The boys yelling rightly for their mom, which gets me even more worked up. And by this stage, I'm usually barking consequences and everyone is upset with everyone else. And all of this happens in probably 30 to 60 seconds. Now, what I appreciate about this is

Here's a dad being honest and so not blaming it on the boys. Well, if the boys, if my kids would just start doing X, no, that's not the way to work with this. It's like, I've got to work on this. So that honesty is awesome. So the next step in the program is let's have a pre-planned response. We know this is going to happen again. So let's plan for it and have a new response to the sibling situation.

And so what can you do differently next time, even if it makes you uncomfortable? And I'll give you this shortcut. Do the opposite of what you normally do now, because you'll probably get an opposite response that's better. So here's what a few of the options that the dad began doing. So I can walk by and say casually, hey, I'm headed to the garage to do X if anybody needs anything or wants to help me. Or, hey, let me know if either of you wants to go grab a snack with me.

Dad said he could walk into the room and sit with earbuds in, listening to music or a podcast. And if it's a podcast, something the kids might be interested in, then he could even ask, hey, what do you think about this guy's theory, these ideas? Dad said this one. I like this one. I can go find something else to do, maybe even out of earshot, because nine out of ten times, they're not hurting each other. They're just annoying me.

And then when I leave them alone, they learn to sort it out themselves. Now that's a cool option. Now caveat, some of you have kids who are very aggressive toward each other. And I'm not talking about roughhousing because roughhousing is a very healthy thing for kids to do. But kids who are being very aggressive, that's not what's happening here. And I deal with that in the Discipline That Works program. But that's not what's happening and what's not happening in most sibling situations. It's just they're arguing and picking at each other

I want them to learn how to sort it out themselves. Now, here's one of my favorite responses that this dad began doing. And this is what he said afterward. I began being curious and I'd ask the provoking child, hey, are you bored? And I'd offer to give that child my intense emotional engagement. You hear me talking about that. Making something in the garage with me because this kid likes to tinker with things. He likes to make things.

So now, rather than my son getting all that negative intensity from his brother's reaction and then my reaction and mom's reaction, now I'm actually with him in the garage and we are building things together. See, that is cool. Here is when a dad deals with a trigger of his that

50 times before caused the whole house to escalate and now he's figured out a way to actually use that and bond with his son. That's cool. Now, one of the other options is to sit in a room and literally say nothing. Just sit in the discomfort of it. And this dad had said for someone who yells and raises his voice too much, the discordant noise from others is triggering.

But he's working on this. Well done, Dad. See, I like how he handled that. Now, number two situation, because Dad just mentioned that, is discordant noise. That is a huge trigger for me. So when we started those camps way back in the day, we'd have 10 to 15 kids.

They were like loud attorneys in our home squabbling with each other. Or they were building with things, making noise while humming and making weird noises. Not to mention, these are kids like yours who vent. They complain a lot. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

but I couldn't react and yell at kids. So I focused on this. See, discordant noise is especially irritating because there's no rhythm to it like music. It's just noise here and there and in an outburst. And it really throws off my nervous system in a way.

So I began doing the only thing that I could do in that situation, which is control myself. So I kind of ball my hands into a fist and then I gently kind of hit them against my thighs in a rhythmic motion. And I would focus more on the vibration that that was sending through my legs and the rhythm of it.

I focused more on that than I focused on trying to control the kids. You've seen this before. When you're at a movie theater, when you're at dinner and someone's talking too loud or on their phone and it just irritates you and the more you focus on them, like your blood pressure rises. That's what was happening to me with these kids. So I controlled the one thing I could myself.

Look, if you struggle with this, I'd also encourage you get noise-canceling headphones. I'm not being funny with that. It's just very practical. You don't have to hear every single thing that your child says. You just need to be aware of what's going on. So here's another difficult one. What about messes in your home?

Okay, even if you don't struggle with there being messes everywhere left by your kids, apply these same action steps to your own triggers in order to be free. Now, caveat, in other podcasts and in the programs, I go through in detail many different ways to how to get your kids to clean up and be responsible.

That's the easy part to me. What I want to focus on today is not fixing the situation or the problem, but learning how to not let this trigger you anymore. So you're going to hate this, but I want you to do it. Sit in the situation without fixing it. Walk right into the midst of that mess and sit down right in the midst of it or in the midst of chaotic sibling squabbling.

do it without trying to fix it right away.

Now, what you could do is think about this. You could even journalist this if you're into journaling. First, identify what are you feeling in your body? Does your heart race a little bit? Do you feel short of breath? Does it give you a headache? And then identify why this triggers you so much. Does it feel overwhelming? Do you feel guilty over letting these messes get out of control like you failed because your kids are slobby? Do you fear kids will grow up and be unable to be organized and they're going to live this chaotic life?

Is it irritating because you worked so hard for like five hours to keep the home organized and then your kids come in and mess it up in five minutes? Do you feel resentful toward your kids or even a spouse who not only doesn't help but complains about it or yells at the kids and now you have to jump in and be the mediator between a parent and the kids? Do you take it personally as disrespect towards you?

Do you feel judged by your parents because their house was never like this? Look, that's all normal. So next, let's take a tough step. So even though we're traveling this coming week, I always start every single day with my AG1 because I feel more energized, mentally sharp, and regular. And right now, AG1 is running a special Black Friday offer for all of November.

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for the next few days, I want you to practice. Sit in the midst of the mess. Sit in the midst of sibling squabblings or tantrums from your toddler or teenager without reacting, without fixing them until it doesn't trigger you so much anymore. Because when you get triggered, you tend to lecture, yell, repeat yourself 14 times,

And that makes you sound and feel powerless and weak. And you complain about it. You try to bribe and plead and go on and on. And eventually just yell and no one takes you seriously.

So while you're sitting, realize this is normal. Expect it. It doesn't mean accept it, but expect it. It's normal. Look, when you signed up for marriage, you forfeited your right to do what you want to do all the time. When you signed up to have kids, you forfeited the right to expect to have a quiet home with no messes.

In the moment of that, do something that's calming to you, that you do feel in control of. Read a book, do crossword puzzles, scrapbooks. So listen to music while you're just sitting there because the rhythm and order of that will help you a little bit.

Now, here's an option for perhaps a certain room or several rooms. You just happily clean up while listening to music or a podcast and go about your day. No drama, no complaining. I'm not saying this is what I recommend. I'm just saying it's an option. It alleviates your stress and the drama, and you get what you want without lecturing or yelling.

You get a neat home without any negative feelings. It's kind of like with a dishwasher. If you need the dishwasher loaded a certain way, then just be the dishwasher loader and don't let anybody else near it. You just handle it. Because it's unfair to ask other people in your home to do what will never please you. If they can't please you, then you have to relinquish that right to yell at them and just do it yourself.

You and everybody else will just be much happier. Now, you can go hardcore and declare a martial law in your home until the messes are picked up. You can give your kids some practical tools for cleaning up, like creating videos with them. And I've been through those in other podcasts. I went through this a great deal in the updated Discipline That Works program.

So if you have our programs, check your app because I just updated this program and the new program will be in your app to listen to. But I really, really want you to practice sitting in this without fixing it over the course of the next few days and weeks and months until you have some limited mastery or control over it so it doesn't trigger you in a visceral way and cause you to react and hurt relationships.

Okay, number four. Look, I'm just going to put this under the heading of kids are just being kids, which means they're irritating and they're messing up your agenda because you're a really good parent. And you've got this checklist of things that have to be done. And it has to be done in a certain time because that's what it means to be a good parent. But you know what? Your kids are going to mess that up, especially strong will kids, especially emotional kids and little kids. Part of their job description is to ruin your agenda. Okay?

So, throw away the checklist. Here's a quick example. A great mom had said, "I get so triggered lately. All my kids want to do is drag everything in a house into giant piles they call forts. They're doing it in closets in the living room everywhere and it really sets me off." So, here's some perspective. Imagine the opposite.

If your kids had their heads in screens all day, even though that doesn't make a mess and they're quiet, you'd be coaxing them relentlessly to play and create and build forts and anything else.

then you'd be thrilled that they stopped playing video games and were actually being inventive and creative. I'd encourage you, look at situations differently because sometimes as parents or as humans, we go from like, it's like, oh, well, I'm not happy with them doing that. Well, think of what the opposite means.

could be happening, right? It's like I do this a lot with teenagers like, oh, well, my teenager is on his screens all the time. Okay, I get it. It's not optimal. And we want to change that. But if your child isn't vaping and looking up really bad things on the internet, and is not doing all kinds of other things they could be as teens, then

you know what? Then I get a little bit of perspective. I think I shared this on Instagram once. We used to do this with our son, like, okay. So he butted in line. We got a note one day, your son, Casey butted in line in the cafeteria. And I was like, okay. So he was hungry. He's got initiative and he knows how to get what he wants. Like those qualities. I know it's wrong, but at least he didn't like stab some kid in the back and stomp on him, right? Like

Get perspective. These are kids. They're supposed to do things that irritate you. So

Stop imposing your grown-up responsibilities and expectations on your kids. I was guilty of that for so long. Casey, you need to do this. And I was like, well, I'm 35. He's 7 or 14. Just watch that. Now, you can put limits on anything. Hey, you can only build forts in these rooms. No forts in this living room ever. And you could require that they pick up the fort at the end of the day.

And I know, but many of you are thinking like, but if you allow your kids to be messy, they're going to grow up to be slobs and they're going to get rejected by society and I'll be embarrassed for them. It's just not true. That's your anxiety speaking.

you are, that anxiety is causing you to project into the future. Watch that, especially as your kids get older, because then you're just going to lecture all the time and notice everything that they're not doing well. And then they'll shut down. They'll resist you anymore. Your kids are going to change. You have a DNA in your home. Look, if you leave messes everywhere yourself, then your kids will inherit that as part of their environmental DNA and think that's the norm. But if you're neat and tidy,

Your kids will eventually be like that. Just like if you eat healthy and you exercise, they'll eventually get that. They just won't get it on your timeline. Casey's bedroom and bathroom were horrid as a kid, but he owns his own home now. Guess what? His home is organized and clean, and you have to take off your shoes when you walk into his house. So don't project into the future.

So to this mom, I said, instead of reacting, sit down. Remember that? Grab a drink and a book. Watch your kids building their forts. They're playing well by themselves, entertaining themselves, not hurting anyone or anything. That is a dream for modern day parents. But that's that dream.

chaos and stuff that you don't like. Encourage them by asking questions. Hey, I'm curious why you use that for the top of the fort. Hey, do you think you could make this even bigger without it caving in? Affirm them. Man, that is so creative. You guys are such good builders. See, you're enjoying your kids. Send pictures of these forts to their grandparents bragging about them.

Be grateful that you get to work on. That sounds awful, actually, doesn't it? This sounds like, you know, be grateful that you get to work. So let me change that. You know what? Just lean into that. You know, you don't have to even be grateful for it. But I want you to know this is an opportunity for you to be free from this trigger that dominates your mood.

because these things that your kids do, they change your mood. And so now you don't have to be grateful for it, but you can just recognize, oh, there's another one of my triggers. This is an opportunity for me to be free from that, to enjoy relationships with my kids instead of walking around being irritated and lecturing all the time. So,

Instead of seeing the disorder and something that always needs to be done, always needs to be picked up, going through my checklist, see it as a monument to your kids' creativity, an expression of simple joy, something you will miss when they get older. Because I guarantee you, you will miss this. And when kids get older, sometimes you lose this childlike desire to make forts. And I'm going to add this with your teenagers.

enjoy the moments that you get with these kids even when they're irritating they're just figuring this teen thing out and tween thing out for the first time and if you can enter into their world

and enjoy it instead of trying to just change them all the time. It works so much better. Now, here's a cool idea to turn it around. You know, our thing is like, take something that triggers you and turn it into something positive or a bonding moment. So make your own fort with your spouse one night and just lie down in it. Let your kids show you how to play again and have fun and just not be productive and responsible and irritated all the time.

And then maybe on Friday nights, all of you crawl into a fort and have a snack and laugh and giggle. You will never regret those times. You won't. Change your expectations of yourself and your kids. Stop trying so hard to be the perfect parent. Change the narrative in your head from, my kids are so messy and leave things everywhere. They never pick up things too. My kids are so creative and they have a great imagination and they love to play.

and then turn this into bonding moments. Choose one situation. This week, Moms and Dads, think of this. What irritates you? Choose one situation that usually frustrates you. Be patient, be creative, and I bet you can turn that into a bonding routine with your child. We've done that before on cleaning a child's bedroom and a lot of different things in the home.

Take what usually separates you and let it bring you closer to your child. See, the ultimate goal isn't just to get your kids to behave. I think that's kind of the easy part. It's to build a relationship so they follow you out of a deep sense of respect and trust because that's what we really want.

And when you have that trust and you enjoy your kids, they will actually listen to you more. Right now, they're not rejecting you. They're rejecting your anxiety. And they're pushing your buttons and they're getting that need for intense brain stimulation from your reactions. We have the power to change that. Let's do that.

If you need help, reach out to us. By the way, we have a big sale going on at celebratecalm.com to get 35 hours worth of our step-by-step instructions for less than the price of like one or two trips to a therapist. Take advantage of that.

that. But if we can help in any way, let us know. Thank you for leaning into this. Thank you for being willing to break generational patterns. I was just on Instagram with a gentleman that I really respect. He was in the military for 14 years. He has gone through a lot. And he said, man, breaking these generational patterns is harder emotional work than anything I've ever done. But I have so much respect for that guy.

because he is changing the foundations of his family. His kids and their kids are going to be different because of the hard work that he did and the hard work that you all are doing. So, so much respect for you all. Okay, talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.