How to Help Defiant, Task Avoidant, Unmotivated Kids Who Ask "Why?"
30:41 Share

I spend a lot of time hiking in sunny, windy, harsh conditions in the mountains, but I continually get comments about how great my skin looks and I give a lot of credit to OneSkin. OneSkin contains a proprietary OS1 peptide scientifically proven to decrease lines and wrinkles and boost hydration.

OneSkin has over 4,000 five-star reviews for their full line of face, body, sun, and travel size products.

I like how easy it is to use OneSkin. You just cleanse, pat your skin dry, and apply twice daily. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off.

at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support this podcast and tell them that we sent you.

This is Kristen Bell. And Adam Brody. And we're dating. In our new show, Nobody Wants This. Right, right. We're not really dating. No. In real life, we're married. Right. Married to other people, not each other. Ugh, this is complicated. Right? It's just like our love lives in Nobody Wants This, a show about what happens when a bold and sometimes provocative podcast host finds her unlikely match in a sweet, traditional rabbi. You can watch every episode of Nobody Wants This now, only on Netflix.

So was the girl in the story that I'm about to tell you really rude like her mother asserts? Are your kids really lazy or just not motivated by the same things that motivate you? Are they really avoidant and won't push through hard tasks? Or is that only with tasks you care about? Is that pig-headed obstinance only a reflection of your child's personality or partly because you're too rigid at times?

The traits that irritate you most about your strong-willed child will be the very traits that cause you to change the most inside and the traits that make your child wildly successful in the real world. And that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I want you to think about your strong-willed child's traits today.

that irritate you, that push your buttons, that trigger you. Here's one that just popped into my head and I'm not sure why, but let me roll with this. When you instruct your strong-willed child to do something, their first response is often, "Why?"

And we misinterpret that as defiance. But it's also the smart response of a human with good critical thinking skills who wants to know the context for your request. And I get it. You're the adult. So you're like, there's no context. I told you to do that. So your response is, yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. And I get that. I know that's what you want, but you're not going to get that with a strong willed child.

You can either choose, and it is your choice, to get bothered by that and see it in a negative light, or you can use it to highlight your triggers, which may include this deeply held belief that kids are supposed to be immediately obedient. And I did a podcast on that back in February. So if you struggle with that, go back and listen to that.

You can choose to create a power struggle and label your child in a negative way over this.

And you would be right and justified and entirely wrong at the same time because it's really hard with these strong willed kids because maybe, just maybe, you can use this insight to free yourself from your rigidity that infects all your relationships and your daily life and your thinking about judgment of others.

Maybe you can use this insight to speak powerful words over your child's future instead of damning them with things like, "You never listen. How are you going to be successful if you can't follow directions?" Instead, you could rightly say, "Son, daughter,

In the past, your asking why has always bugged me because I was never allowed to actually question anything as a kid and was taught that it was disobedient and disrespectful.

and I'm sorry I have reacted that way in the past. What I have missed is all the amazing qualities this tells me you possess. See, you're not afraid to ask why. That's a good thing. Being assertive and speaking up is a really healthy trait. Groupthink and doing what everyone else is doing can lead to catastrophes.

for society and individuals. I like that you have the courage to speak up.

You are a good thinker. You were busy doing something and I came along and told you to do something else. While it would be easier for me if you didn't say anything and just did what I told you to do, I'm glad you had the common sense to speak up and simply ask, "Why are you asking me to do something different right now?" That shows me you have good critical thinking skills, that you're not a robot that you can think and analyze and process information.

What you are looking for, son or daughter, is context.

And the reason is you have a strategic brain, which is a huge asset in life. Now, unfortunately, you don't get to use it much in school because schooling tends to require memorization and regurgitating information. And those aren't your strong suits. And to be honest, I've not really encouraged this kind of thinking as much as I should have either.

But in the real world, in the adult world, where you will spend most of your life, people and companies will value your brain because they pay more money to people who can think. By the way, that's also why you're good at chess and checkers and tinkering with things and pushing your sister's buttons and arguing with me. You see patterns and know how things fit together. And that's another superpower to have in life.

Now, next time, instead of just asking why, which many people can interpret as being disobedient, try saying this instead: "Hey, Mom, Dad, could you give me more context, please?" See, that's specific and helpful. And look, little side note here, we're teaching our kids how to do life.

We're teaching them how their brains work. And we know some of your kids, especially kids on the spectrum, they're not always that great socially. And they're not just being rude or off-putting on purpose. They just don't have the skills. So if I come along and just say it in a negative, snotty way, they're not going to listen. But I just affirmed my child for how his or her brain works and said, hey, I've got another way you can handle this situation. It'll work a lot better in life. And you can even tell by that tone.

that tone isn't that lecturing you know people don't like it when you do that you know it's a really see those kind of those are those are patronizing it's a patronizing kind of tone i'm just letting you know hey you've got this cool brain you're going to speak up in life and here's a different way to do it look i didn't learn that until i was like in my 30s

because I would ask the same thing at work until I finally said, "Hey, boss, listen, I've heard what you said. I know what the objective is. Would you mind if I did this in a different way as long as we accomplish the same objective?" See, I learned how to speak like that and I want to teach your kids how to do that.

I didn't really plan to say all of that in this podcast, but it just came out. So I hope you find that helpful. So let's build on that. Start thinking through your child's behaviors that trigger you. And then really dive deep into why does that trigger you so much? Because you'll be able to get to some of these deeply held ingrained beliefs inside of you that really hold you captive in life.

And it will also, you can also do a deep dive into how can you help your child use that trait to his or her advantage? Because I can pretty much guarantee that most of the time, it is your own parental anxiety that causes us to miss these huge opportunities to change. So instead of crushing your child's spirit, you can build their confidence. Instead of just being bothered and triggered all the time, you can actually be free from that.

I guarantee you that your kids who may not be motivated for you are often incredibly conscientious and motivated when helping other adults. Notice that the kid who won't push through a hard lesson in school or a boring chore at home

will start her own baking club at school, getting approval from the principal and finding sponsorship by a coach. She'll get up in front of the school and make an announcement, sign up tons of kids, do all the organizing and paperwork to make the club official. She'll be on time, run the meetings, organize what they're baking and how. She'll convince some local celebrity chef to come to your high school and give a lesson.

Get invited. She'll get invited to do an internship at a restaurant in town, but she won't do a simple chore. You asked her, clean up her bedroom, put her clothes away, or complete an assignment she's not interested in. And so you have a choice to make throughout this coming school year.

you can focus relentlessly on the things that she's not doing well, which I will tell you are largely arbitrary, like cleaning up her bedroom, putting her clothes away. Or, and, you can, I had this word, you can vomit your words and your anxiety all over your child, which causes them to shut down.

or this is your choice, you can relentlessly notice all the great traits it took to organize that club. Because cleaning your room or doing a homework assignment has nothing to do with real life success. And I know your argument is, well, you start with small things and you have to...

Yeah, that's true to some degree, but you're only focusing on those narrow things that you're really, think about this, that you really value. Well, I really value cleaning up my room and I value making my bed every day because when I go to bed, I like to climb into a bed that was freshly made.

And I get that, but that's what you value. That's a preference. And you've got to distinguish between what are your preferences and what are you really into and what motivates your kids. Because strong will kids are going to be very different from you.

But see, all those steps that this girl took to start and organize this club do translate to adult success. But we usually dismiss it because, see, this girl will not get a grade for starting this club after school. There's no grade that comes from it. And it has nothing to do with, like, good manners or good behavior. And so we kind of dismiss it. Don't dismiss those things. So...

Here is the original reason for this podcast. It was an email from a mom that goes like this.

So my daughter Chloe is 8 and she's rude. We held a birthday party for her at an indoor pool and she didn't greet all of the guests as several arrived at once and more people came than anticipated. Two parents complained that Chloe didn't play with their children at all. Now here's my side note. That probably shows Chloe has good instincts and doesn't want to be around petty people. Seriously.

Chloe did attach herself to one friend and while she did visit a few others She didn't make it around to everyone. Look, she's not the freakin princess of England Okay, this is she's an eight-year-old girl. I don't even know what my comment meant, but it's frustrating to me right this is her nature and

Our kids tend to have fewer friends but deeper friendships. They have anxiety. They're not always great socially. And my word to you, to the mom here, would be you should have known that instead. In fact, you did know that.

Instead of trying to make her daughter like you, honor your child's nature. You're expecting something. That was a wrong expectation of you that she's going to flit about and say hi to everybody. That's not who she is. It's your own embarrassment. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Both of the moms who commented are blessed with very polite, courteous, gracious daughters. And for some reason, I've been given a challenge. And well, it hurts me that I've tried to coax, encourage, and model appropriate behavior for her for years, and she isn't implementing what I've asked. Probably because you're trying to change her very nature, right?

right it would be like me coming to you mom and and trying to get you to be like your daughter you'd be frustrated too so the two moms do give me grace because it's baffling that my personality is more friendly welcoming outgoing and caring and my daughter's is very strong-willed obstinate and rude by the way i can't help but notice you just described your own personality in all great terms friendly welcoming outgoing caring my daughter's is only she's strong-willed obstinate and rude okay

She doesn't respond to adults who speak to her. She acts shy. Well, she doesn't act shy. She is shy. And this is exhausting because she just turned eight. So obviously I've been doing this since she was an infant.

As a parent, you're constantly thinking about the safety of your kids and the things you value most. When we moved here, I knew I wanted to secure our home with the best system and my research led me to SimpliSafe. Now you can get that same peace of mind with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring.

With Fast Protect monitoring and live guard protection, SimpliSafe agents can act within five seconds of receiving your alarm and can even see and speak to intruders to stop them in their tracks. You'll never be locked into a long-term contract, so you can cancel anytime. Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for Fast Protect.

protect monitoring. Just visit simplisafe.com slash calm. That's simplisafe.com slash calm. There's no safe like SimpliSafe.

Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the GOAT!

Shop blinds.com right now and get up to 45% off select styles. Rules and restrictions may apply. Okay, so my answer to this is, look, I have respect for parents. You work so hard. You love your children so much. You want the best for them. But I have to be blunt.

Absolutely nothing will change until your perspective changes. One, if you do not change your attitude towards your daughter, and this is for all of us, with your sons, with your daughters, you will grow even more resentful toward her because she isn't the daughter that you wanted. And you'll continually lecture and badger her. And she will internalize the fact that her mother doesn't like who she is and she'll feel like she isn't good enough. And she'll resist you even more. Number two,

there's a grieving process allowed with a challenging child.

But the time for self-pity is over. It's not just that Chloe isn't the child you wanted. She isn't the child that you need. You are lacking something inside that compels you to need Chloe to fulfill your expectations and be like you so that you can be validated as a mother in front of your friends. Because you seem more concerned with what your friends think and how it makes you feel than recognizing that your daughter is just her own person.

Number three, the reason I'm being tough with you is because I did the same thing. I nearly destroyed my son at the same age. I could give you 10 strategies to help your daughter. That's easy.

but nothing is going to change until you do, until your perspective changes. That's what ultimately changed our family. It wasn't changing Casey. Look, Casey is 31 now. He was basically the same kid at 31 that he was at eight, except he's a young man now and he's crushing in the real world. I just failed to see it when he was that age.

Four you need to let go of that resentment towards your daughter. You have a lot of false expectations moms and dads really check this really check your expectations because we grow up with all of these things that we internalize and I'm sure this mom who's a really good mom who wants the best for her daughter has grown up with all these thoughts about what a proper daughter does and

And the strong-willed child is never going to live up to your expectations in that way. So you have a lot of false expectations of your daughter and of yourself, right? Well, I must not be being a good mom because my daughter doesn't float around and she's not gracious to everybody. Why do you have to be seen as a good mom? Why does Chloe have to be outgoing and friendly like you? Why can't you accept your kids as they are moms and dads?

Who says your way is the right way or the better way? It's just the way that you prefer. Number five, why is this all about you? See, when parents make situations about themselves, and I get emails all the time, no judgment in any of this. It's hard stuff. When I read that, it hurts me. I'm like, that's a big red flag to me.

Is it because she embarrasses you? Why do you have such a huge need for your daughter to behave exactly as you would? As you would, right? Like, were you the good girl?

who, look, a lot of this stuff is tied up in our childhood, right? Were you the good girl who always pleased everyone else? Because sometimes as kids we do this. Well, my dad won't hit me. That was mine. My dad won't hit me like he did my older brothers if I just am really compliant and I do everything that he tells me to do and I say the right things. Maybe it was, well, I get attention from my mom and dad

When I have such good behavior. And so what happens is you grow up and you learn, well, that served me well when I was a child because it did. All the stuff that I did as a kid to not get hit by my dad was brilliant. It's smart as a little kid. I didn't know what I was doing.

But then when you grow up, it sabotages your relationships like those of you who are controlling. Look, having control issues, it serves you really well, probably in your career. I know a lot of nurses that had these really troubled childhood hoods and everything was out of their control. They had a parent who was an alcoholic.

And so they had to step in and control their environment because they didn't have responsible parents. So guess what? Now they're ultra responsible and they're really good at taking care of everybody else, just usually not themselves. So don't beat yourself up for your childhood self. That child that you were, they were brilliant. They were just reacting and doing what kept you safe. And so now you can say, well, I don't have to do that anymore.

So that child, in this case, this mom becomes resentful when people don't respond the way you want. So here's some perspective. I know plenty of polite, gracious people who are mean and judgmental inside. I mean, you're assuming your daughter's rude when she's just shy. And I know plenty of people like your daughter who don't have social graces at age eight, but who have hearts of gold.

See, kids like Chloe become caring souls who stop and help the homeless person, who stand up for kids getting bullied. They sit patiently with handicapped children, with injured animals or lonely seniors. She's only eight. What if she is shy? Why does she have to perform for others? Maybe it's that she just doesn't want to interact with certain people.

I was going to say is likely your friends, because if your friends are all like that, of course she doesn't want to be around them. Look, I don't either. I don't like big groups of people. There's nothing wrong with that.

So when she hides behind your leg and you chastise her out of embarrassment, you're shaming her in front of others. So relax. I guarantee one day she's going to charm the pants off your friends because she's going to be great with adults. She's not always great in a kid world.

So look she thrives in smaller groups and gets overwhelmed because she feels out of control That's why she gets bossy at times So in the future have a smaller birthday party with one or two trusted friends Let it let her know. It's okay to have fewer friends, but deeper Relationships and don't feel pressured to have big parties because that's what everyone else does plus you will save a ton of money and

Is that your need or hers? Number seven, be thankful. Other moms are blessed, but God cursed you with a challenging child. You've got it backwards. Moms and dads, these kids are a gift. And that is not a euphemism of like, oh, they're just a gift. No, they're a gift because this child will prompt all kinds of ugliness inside of you that you need to be free from.

All these things that you've carried along, these deeply held beliefs that you thought were right. And then Stronghold Child is going to like strip it all away. And you're going to have to like deconstruct your faith and how you view the world. And that's a gift.

if you embrace it. See, little Chloe here, she's not here to validate you. The purpose of relationships is to transform us into new people. So be thankful for this child every single day. I'm so thankful that Casey came out of the womb with boxing gloves on and was just so challenging because it forced me in ways that nothing else did. Look,

Work is hard. I've been in the corporate world. I run my own business. It's hard, but it doesn't really draw from me emotionally. It doesn't cause me to go inside and have to say like, oh, this is making me really uncomfortable. And now I have to deal with all of my childhood issues.

These kids are a gift. And to this mom, I say, you just don't realize it yet because number eight, you're missing an opportunity to look your daughter in the eyes and say, Chloe, I admire you for being your own person. I love that you have a strong sense of yourself, that you're assertive. You won't allow others to use you. You can say, no, you're persistent. You're not afraid of what other people think of you.

I wish I were more like you and I love that big part of yours. See, go tell that to your child right now and then let me know how your child responds. It's likely that you feel the same exact way as this mom does toward her daughter at times. This is hard.

But I bet there are qualities inside your child that you've wanted to change because your child is so different from you. Or maybe they're just like you. But I promise the very qualities that frustrate you the most are the very qualities that will lead your child to be wildly successful in life. These qualities sometimes just make you uncomfortable. So...

Think of those qualities inside your child that you sometimes struggle with. Write them down and flip it around. Notice the positive side of it. That absence will turn into persistence. The child who speaks out, they're assertive and they won't get walked all over because we know peer pressure won't affect them because they just don't care. That little attorney has great critical thinking skills. So here's my challenge for you.

You know all of that energy that you spend trying to control your kids, your family, family members, politicians, traffic, weather, and sports teams.

For the next 30 days, because we're in September now, for the next 30 days, instead, put all of that emotional, spiritual, mental energy into controlling yourself and watch what happens. You will become a new person. You will like that new person and your kids will respect that new person.

I'll give you the analogy I just used because I just updated our Come Couples program. So everybody who's got the Get Everything package, it should be automatically downloaded onto the app now. And then I'm going to start working on revising the Discipline That Works program. So here's what I wrote, what I said in that program. And it's true of parenting and marriage.

If you will look at this as an adventure, right? Look at parenting your child, at your marriage as an adventure. A great adventure in which you get to become a new, more mature person.

Don't look to relationships for happiness. The purpose of relationships is not happiness. The purpose of relationships is transformation. It changes you as a human being. See, your goal is to change yourself, not your spouse and not your kids.

Your and watch what happens your spouse and your strong-willed kids instead of becoming the source of your frustration

become the source of your transformation because they expose all of your triggers and your childhood pain and then you can get to work on those you get to be healed from the inside out and be a more healthy mature person that you can be proud of see these strong old kids are gift to us when we can embrace this because now we're literally changing the course of history we are breaking generational patterns forever

So our kids won't have to deal with the same pain and dysfunction that has sabotaged our relationships and our internal sense of worth. I'm watching this play out right in front of me with our grown son who just got married. And it is beautiful to see those young people. They have more tools than we ever did before. And they don't have options.

all the hang-ups that we had that sabotaged us. Can you imagine how powerful that is to literally change the course of history in your family? You are affecting your child's relationship with his or her own children and grandchildren. And your great-grandchildren will be different 50 years from now.

Not because you were a successful executive or really good at keeping things tidy or because you left the big inheritance, but because you changed yourself as a human being.

You have the power to break these patterns. And when you break those generational patterns, you will have begun to create a new family tree. So that's our goal in September. Let's hit this hard. Let me know how we can help you. We are doing a back to school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So take advantage of that. But if we can help you in any way, let us know because we know this is hard work.

Thank you. Look, thank you for letting me be tough with you. I hope you always know there's no blame, no guilt, no judgment. But I do want to be tough because I'm tough on myself because I don't want to be a jerk. And so I appreciate you continuing to listen to the podcast. I appreciate you sharing it with other people. That means a lot to us.

because I really want to, and let me close this up. I really want to change ourselves, but this will change our kids. When you can start speaking into their lives like this and saying, oh, all those traits irritated me. They're going to help you out in life. That's a really cool thing that builds their confidence. All right. Love you guys. Enjoy. If you're in the States, enjoy Labor Day weekend. And if you're other places, hey, enjoy your weekend anyway. Okay. Love you all. Bye-bye.