Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked. And what powers me is my AG1. For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine. I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
check out a special offer at drinkag1.com slash calm. AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy. AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily. And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner. If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com. That's drinkag1.com. Check it out. Being a mom is hard enough juggling all those demands, and that gets even harder when you just don't feel like yourself.
That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, a company dedicated to making women's lives easier through all-natural products such as Hormone Harmony. Hormone Harmony contains science-backed herbal extracts called adaptogens. Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
Hormone Harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time. The biggest benefit? I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over again in reviews of Hormone Harmony. It's time to feel like yourself again, moms. For a limited time, you can get 15% off
on your entire first order at HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout. That's HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM.
Do you have a child who procrastinates, who's impulsive, disorganized, maybe unmotivated? Do you have a child who pushes back on everything, doesn't want to follow the rules? Well, of course you do. That's why you're listening to this podcast. And so if you're a normal parent, you are going to get anxious about whether your child is going to be successful in life.
and you're going to project out into the future and think, how is this child ever going to be successful? Who is going to hire this child? Who would possibly marry this child? And you're projecting into the future, imagining your child living in the basement until he's 29, and now you're a failed parent. This is very common. So if you've had these thoughts, you're not alone. So that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin.
You can find us at celebratecalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we discuss it. We will email you back.
very personally, very quickly, and with specifics that will help you out. That's our mission. So having anxiety as a parent usually begins, look, before your child's even born, but it really kicks in as early as preschool or kindergarten when you get that first email or phone call from school, which I promise you will get if you have a strong-willed child.
Your daughter refuses to follow directions. She gets up out of her seat and she walks around the classroom, which is what a five or six year old should be doing at that age. I really want you to know that, not be thrown off by that.
or you get the dreaded, well, your son won't sit still in circle time. Again, your son shouldn't be sitting perfectly still in circle time at that age, but schools and society and churches are filled with all kinds of arbitrary standards and expectations that have no basis in reality,
None of that is normal according to natural development and they have nothing to do with future life success. But in the moment, it seems so dire. I
I remember our world crumbling, literally crumbling inside when we began getting emails and calls from teachers about Casey. Uh-oh, what's the matter with him? I mean, if he can't sit in circle time, how's he going to be successful in life? Do we need to medicate him? No.
But maybe, well, maybe we just need to talk to him about his behavior. And when that doesn't work, well, then we need to just come down, threaten him with consequences. I mean, we have to get through to him somehow, right? We can't keep getting calls from school. And you get so confused and afraid and begin projecting way into the future that
And then finally, I stepped back from it all and thought, wait, why should a little kid be able to sit still in circle time anyway? And then my counterintuitive, slightly rebellious, nonconformist side came out, had a little courage and said, no, circle time is stupid.
After your five or six, you never have to sit in a circle completely still, legs crossed, crisscross applesauce. Nobody at your office is going to be like, hey, Jeremy, Susie, three o'clock in the conference room, circle time. It's an arbitrary standard.
And I recognized that we were getting sucked into this mode of parental anxiety whereby you magnify everything you think is wrong with your child, especially when other people are telling you that this is wrong with your child. And because you love them so much and you don't want them to fail and you want them to succeed,
So you begin to ruthlessly try to fix everything that's supposedly wrong with them. Only to their credit, our parents didn't do that. They've let us fail and grow up and mature and learn because they knew that we would change over time. But you're going to have to battle this because there's a lot of pressure on you as a modern day parent, right?
Right from an early age, you have to get them into the right preschool so they can be prepared. And you have to teach them eight foreign languages and you have to do everything. No, you don't have to do all of that. So let's do this. Maybe you have a middle school age boy and use that in particular. I know what that kid is doing right now at this moment. If this is if you're listening to this on a school night.
and you're at home, here's what your middle school-aged boy is doing. Well, I know what he's not doing. He's not doing homework. He's not doing his chores. He's probably sitting in the same hoodie sweatshirt that he's worn for the past 17 days playing video games because that's what they do. But you're going to get freaked out because...
Here he is, and this was Casey, he's like this blob who just sits there. He does the minimal work necessary just to get by, and he's capable of so much more if he would just apply himself. So you begin to lecture and talk to him about his attitude and his effort and his grades. And he promises to do better, but then he doesn't.
And so you have endless talks with your spouse late at night over this. And you wonder, how's he ever going to leave our home? What's going to happen to this child? And so you turn the screws on him tighter. Right? I know what I did as a dad. Well, we just, you know, all this soft stuff. We're just trying to be nice. We just need to do old school. And we're just going to take away everything. I didn't get on this kid. I'll turn him around. It never works with these kids.
And so you begin to take away more privileges and that doesn't work. And you work yourself into despair, frazzled, concerned, and not knowing what to do. And every time you lecture, the more your child resists, right? You've seen this. The more you lecture, the more your child resists or just shuts down until he finally says inside, screw you.
because he knows no matter how much he brings that math grade up, you'll never really be satisfied because there's always more and he could always be doing better. And your anxiety about his future is like an anchor around his soul. It's an anchor around your child's confidence and it is an anchor around your relationship that will drag you down.
And that's when you finally get so scared, you call me. So I have to, and then I have to tell you, this is about your own parental anxiety. This is a sure sign of it. When you use phrases like, well, if you would just apply yourself, I will...
encourage you, caution you. That's one of the least motivating phrases ever. That will actually cause a kid to shut down very quickly because the assumption is that your child isn't trying. And that's usually wrong because either your child is trying and the work is just hard or they're struggling or they're
Your child simply doesn't care, so why try? Besides, what if I turned that around on you? What if I said to you, you know, if you would just apply yourself, you'd be thinner or richer or more successful. I know that sounds jerky, but that's what it sounds like to your kids. It's not motivating. Here's another parental anxiety phrase.
You just need to do your best at everything. We don't care about your grades. We just want you to give your best effort. I hate that. It is a very misguided sentiment. None of you listening to this...
Not even me. Give your best effort at everything. Nobody does. Nobody can. You can't do your best at everything. You prioritize. I often joke at live events that I can look out and see that most people didn't give their best effort at the gym. And I don't either. I could work out much harder, but I choose not to. Why? Because I don't care enough about getting a six-pack to put in the effort to do it.
I don't give my best effort. I give my best effort at the things that are important and the things that I care about because you have to prioritize in life. That's how it works. So that's parental anxiety. That'll cause your kids to shut down. So let me give you some perspective, some tools, and then a really cool script to use with your strong-willed child.
As a parent, you're constantly thinking about the safety of your kids and the things you value most. When we moved here, I knew I wanted to secure our home with the best system. And my research led me to SimpliSafe. I love the level of security and outstanding customer care. And now my listeners can get 20% off a system at simplisafe.com slash calm.
And SimpliSafe keeps getting better. With exclusive live guard protection, SimpliSafe agents connect within five seconds of receiving your alarm and can even see and speak to intruders inside your home, warning them that the police are on their way. As a SimpliSafe user, it's no surprise to me that SimpliSafe has been named Best Home Security Systems by US News & World Report for five years running. Protect your home this summer
with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect monitoring. Just visit simplisafe.com slash calm. That's simplisafe.com slash calm. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Okay, perspective. I have to admit, so when I'm doing these podcasts, just a little side note,
So we have these advertisers now and I appreciate them. And I do hope you will listen to the ads because honestly, I only get paid for those ads if you listen. If you skip through the ads, I don't get paid for those ads. So you don't owe me anything. There's no obligation. This is all free for you.
you. But if you are selling client, listen to the ad all the way through, even if you listen to it at like 1.25 speed. I listen to almost all podcasts at 1.2 or 1.5 because I want to get through a lot of stuff quickly. And I've got this kind of brain, as you can tell, I talk quickly. But anyway, so I have to, so Casey's like, dad, you talk so fast, I can't put in breaks so ads can go in there. So if you ever hear me do awkward pauses like I just did,
That's what it was. And I'm putting down here, I took an ad break at eight minutes and 35 seconds because I'm trying to be nice. So perspective.
I promise you that the traits that irritate you most about your strong-willed child are probably the traits that will be responsible for their future success in life. You just can't see it now, but you need to. Casey was very obstinate as a kid. Guess what he is now? That obstinance turns into persistence. He argued a lot. You know what kids who argue a lot are like your little attorneys, cops, and judges? They have very good critical thinking skills, and they're not afraid to speak up. Those are great qualities to have in life.
Some of your kids who negotiate, what's the number one trait necessary to be a good salesperson? Salespeople make a lot of money, right? That pig-headed stubbornness when he didn't care about something, the street smarts that Casey had, that very much makes him successful in the side gig that he has. Also, the traits that irritate you most are likely the same traits that held you back
when you were a kid. So what do you do? Same thing your parents did. You focus relentlessly on rooting out these qualities out of your child
And just like it didn't work with you, it won't work with them. Why? Because the more you push a strong-willed child, the more they resist. And your child knows you will never be satisfied. But please know this, your kids are going to change over time. Objectively speaking, if you had looked at Casey when he was six or nine or even 13, you would have said like, man, that kid's a loser in life. That
That's what you would have said. It's not being mean, right? His room was a mess. Well, guess what? He's a grown adult now and owns his own home. His house is spotless, right? He didn't make notes on everything. Now he uses a yellow legal pad because that's what I taught him. If you're going to be successful in life, you use a yellow legal pad and you write down your notes and you write very specific, clear objectives and then you check them off. Guess what? He does that. As a kid, did he eat healthy? No. Does he eat healthy now? Yes.
The kid who wouldn't push through or exercise as a kid now climbs 6,000 vertical feet on his skis in a day. And in the summer, he is a beast at hiking. Why? Because kids change a lot between now and when they're adults. It's not right and it's not fair to project out and assume that your child is going to take some linear path
into adulthood without changing. It's short-sighted, it sabotages your child, and it ruins your relationship. Do not do this to your child and rob them of their innocence and hope.
You're the one who is supposed to have the wisdom and perspective to see this. And by the way, not being mean, but you weren't all that great at age 7 or 10 or 15 either. But you changed. In fact, think about this. Many of you that are like 40 or 50 now, you've changed a lot in the past 5 years, in the past 10 years, right? So give your kids that same benefit of the doubt that they will change. Okay, so here's...
Here are some recommendations I would do, and then we'll get to the script. One, don't take it personally. Stop making everything about you and how your child's success affects you, about how it makes you look as a parent and whether they're like, oh, I'm failing as a parent if my child is doing this. Look, you're listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast. We deal with strong-willed kids.
I tell you every episode, they're going to struggle at these things. Stop internalizing that you're somehow a failure as a parent because your little one can't sit still and your older one leaves her room a disaster. Stop feeling guilty. Stop being judged. Stop judging your child.
because you have some romantic vision of how awesome you were as a kid. Some of you were awesome as a kid, but I bet it's because you had to to earn your parents' approval, and it wasn't always healthy, and it's not even healthy now that you're still trying to earn their approval, right? So relax a little bit. Discern between what is really important and what is arbitrary that we ask of kids.
Right? Asking kids to sit in circle time, they don't have to. Now, learning delayed gratification, yeah, I want to teach that. I want to teach impulse control. So you really have to step back and think about those things. And I encourage you, stop picking on them for everything they're doing wrong.
How would you like it if I came into your house and I followed you around for 24 hours and I analyzed everything you did, everything that you thought, and I nitpicked you to death over things I think are important? What if I constantly corrected you and lectured you like I'm doing now? You would hate me and not find it motivating.
So stop. This is really important. If you take nothing away from this podcast, write this one down. Stop trying to get your kids to be successful as kids or stop trying them to be good as kids. They're not. And that's okay. You're raising this strong-willed child to be an adult. And these kids tend to be good and succeed in the adult world.
Notice that. When do your kids succeed? It's usually outside the home, working for or doing something for another adult. They all bring your child home like, oh, Susie is such an amazing kid. You're like, seriously? Can we let Susie move into your home? This is good because that's what you're raising them to be and do. Kill it outside your home one day.
But there's this insidious anxiety that rears its ugly head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I can see that my child excels around other adults and when they're doing adult-type jobs with other people. But I really want him or her to be good at cleaning his room and finishing homework early and being in the school play. Why? Your child doesn't have to be good at kid stuff.
Just grown-up stuff. Side note, many of your kids don't get along with kids well with kids their own age. But think how arbitrary this is. Okay, here's our system for 12 years of schooling. You are going to be put in a class with only kids your own age. At no other point in your life are you only with people your own age. You don't work at a company with only 37-year-olds.
It's arbitrary. And yet our kids have a natural disposition, a way that they're wired, that they're usually intellectually advanced in some ways. It doesn't mean school, but advanced in their thinking. They're very curious. Great talks with adults. But emotionally a little bit more immature and innocent. So they get along with little kids and with animals. Who do they struggle with? Kids their own age. They're not good at doing the kid thing. And they're going to struggle with that their whole life.
right, in their whole childhood, and we keep trying to, we'll be good at social skills, and get along with kids your own age, and all it does is reinforce failure, and that there's something wrong with them, and we need to stop that, because we're raising them to be adults, and when they get into the adult world, they're going to kill it at those things, so that's just an example, so your child doesn't have to be good at all those little things, because we're raising them to be as adults,
You just have to spark their internal motivation. Look, I can't do that one here. I'm going to do a little bit in just a minute, but we go through that in detail. In the Calm Parenting Package, there's a Motivating Kids program in there, and then the No BS program is filled with that. But let me share a script that I want you to use with your kids this week. The number one way to counter your anxiety about your child's future is to affirm your kid for what they're already doing well.
Every time you want to lecture about your child's future, praise and create a different vision instead. This is what ultimately changed my relationship with Casey dramatically. Now, when Casey was younger, he played video games. He was a big Call of Duty 2 kid. And it irritated me to no end because when we were kids, we were outside playing sports with friends and we were getting exercise. But one day, I slowed my world down and I calmed my anxiety and I had this realization that
My son already had all the skills necessary to be successful in life. I just didn't see it. And it was right there all along. But I was blinded by my anxiety. I was blinded by my false expectations and all these arbitrary standards. And it nearly destroyed our relationship and nearly destroyed Casey's confidence because I was relentlessly negative toward him because that's the way my father treated me. But I changed that one day with this insight and this conversation.
Hey Casey, I need to apologize for only focusing on what you are not doing instead of recognizing all the things you're already doing well. That's about my anxiety and that's not reality because you do have what it takes and I've seen it. You know when? When you're playing your video games. See, when you're playing Call of Duty 2, when you're playing your video games, you are goal-oriented, you're focused, you're persistent, and you're a strategic leader.
See, you have a single-minded goal to get to the next level or win that game. You can hyper-focus for hours at a time on a single objective. You're a leader among your friends because I hear you giving directions, organizing the teams, even encouraging people. And they look up to you.
You get to use that strategic brain in how you battle your enemies. You're sneaky as a little sniper, and that helps you win at the game. See, you're using good problem-solving skills, and above all, you're persistent because you don't eat, you don't pee, you don't sleep, you don't do your chores, and you won't stop until you accomplish your goal of winning or getting to the next level. Now, look, there's a little bit of humor in there with, like, you don't eat, pee, or sleep, but that's true, isn't it? Your kid's...
do all of those things. They have those qualities.
So Casey, you have all the skills necessary to be wildly successful in life when you care about something. Side note, that's what you have to figure out for the internal motivation. What do they care about? Not what you care about, what they care about. So Casey, one day when you get a vision for your life, you are going to use that single-minded focus, that persistence, those strategic thinking and leadership skills to kill it in life.
and I can't wait to see that unfold. Proud of you. Then I gave him a fist bump and I walked out of the room. And I'd like to say that he put his controllers down and ran out of the room with tears in his eyes, thanking me for seeing the best in him, but he didn't. He looked at me like I was some weirdo and went back to playing Call of Duty 2. But it had an effect. First, because it began to change the way I saw him.
And that began to color every interaction from then on because I began to see the best in my son and to assume the best about his motives. Instead of just walking around, always just picking everything he wasn't doing up to my standards. You've got to watch. And the guys out there, watch this. You know what was happening? I was a 40-year-old man then. And so I knew as a 40-year-old man, I've got to be disciplined. I've got to do this and that.
But you're not a 40-year-old man. You're looking at a 6-year-old kid or a 9-year-old or a 14-year-old. But I began to see him as he could be and as he actually was underneath. I was saying, I have the wisdom and maturity and perspective to create a vision of who you are and who you can be. And eventually, I began to undo all the harm I had caused my son.
with my relentless criticism and correction. It doesn't work. I noticed Casey would actually work harder for me because he knew I wasn't going to keep harping on him. And over time, Casey began to see himself differently.
and have confidence in himself. And that's what you want. I say this again for the dads. A lot of dads are like, well, if I begin noticing what he's doing, well, he's not going to work hard. He's going to rest on his laurels. It's not true. They'll work harder for you. The reason they don't work hard for you right now is because they know that they simply can't ever please you. Now, here's the hard part. Those skills and attributes are there.
Your kids just don't exhibit them in any of the areas you want them to, like with chores or homework or manners. But these qualities are there and you need to draw them out and call them out.
So we've been talking about working with your child's nature. Online learning allowed us the flexibility to work with Casey's natural learning style. And that's why I encourage you to check out K-12 at k12.com slash calm. K-12 powered schools are accredited tuition-free online public schools designed with an engaging curriculum. With K-12, learning is personalized and
and provides the flexibility your family needs. When school can be anywhere there's internet access, your kids can learn at their own pace, in their own place. And K-12 powered schools have state certified teachers specially trained in teaching online.
Join the more than 2 million families who have been served by K-12 and empower your student to reach their full potential now. Go to k12.com slash calm today to learn more and find a tuition-free K-12 powered school near you. That's the letter K, the number 12.com slash calm. K12.com slash calm. So here's another example really quickly.
Hey, you know what I've noticed, honey? When you help the Johnsons down the street, you're so mature. You have grown-up conversations. You have an ability to step out of yourself and care about other people. Other adults are always telling me how mature you are, and they genuinely like you.
Listen, honey, I know being a child, being a kid is sometimes boring to you. It doesn't really even suit you. But the good news is you get to spend the vast majority of your life as an adult. And that is where you crush it. Begin recognizing those things. Begin being an encourager and noticing, honey, I've noticed you're a teenager and yet you're able to step outside of yourself and
and care about your friends in a very mature way. And I love that quality about you. See, when you do this, you're creating a vision of who your child really is and who they can be instead of literally dooming them with your words. How are you ever gonna be successful in life if you can't do X, Y, and Z? See, now when you do this, you have controlled and soared above your own anxiety because otherwise you're gonna drag your child down into your fear-based miry pit. And now you have reached down and led them up. You pulled them up
And you've given them wisdom and perspective to know that all these qualities are there and you're going to change over time. So your homework this week and the next week and the next month and the next year, affirm the good qualities that are already there. Notice when your kids have used their creativity, ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, that pig-headed determination, problem solving. Affirm what they're already doing well without saying, well, but, but you could do even better if. See, that's your anxiety.
Dads, you've got to get on board with this. Your words are incredibly important for your kids. No excuses with this. I use specific matter-of-fact praise. Why? Because it's just a matter of stating the truth. You're actually really good at this. Nice job. I plant seeds and I walk away. This will change you.
It will change your relationship and it will change your child from the inside out. And that's what you want. So my recommendation, do this. If you have our materials, listen to them. I would go through the 30 Days to Calm. It'll help you calm your own anxiety and get over your own control issues. Go through the Motivating Kids program and go through the No BS program. These are all part of the Get Everything package. And honestly...
This podcast alone may actually save your relationship. And these programs are worth more than five therapy sessions. If you need help financially with our programs, just reach out to Casey and tell him. We help everybody. We like assertive people. We just want you to have the tools to change. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this podcast. Love you all. I believe you can do this. And we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
