8 Ways to Build Confidence & Stop Misbehavior (Sibling Fights, Lying, & More) Part 1
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So do you have a child who picks on or even lashes out at their siblings? Kids who lie and won't admit when they do something wrong. How about a child who makes excuses, bosses other people around, or cheats or quits when playing games? Some of your kids may act silly or say inappropriate things in class or just make things up.

You might be tempted to think that this child is a sociopath, a jerk, and fear he or she will never be successful in life. But these are very common traits with our kids, and all of these qualities have the same root. So on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to show you the root of these behaviors and four of eight ways to change this dynamic in this two-part series. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin.

Founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you go there, we now have our biggest sale of the year going on on all of our programs. Wahoo. So when we had 1,500 kids in our home, I would notice all the behaviors we talk about on this podcast.

Kids who appear thin-skinned and would always make excuses rather than just owning their behavior. We called many of these kids "Seven Uppers" because instead of trying to one-up other kids, they had to go to the extreme. "Oh yeah? You have five of these? I have 150 of these at my house." And forget about playing games with them. They've changed the rules of the game "cheat or quit."

And they can be pretty brutal verbally and even physically with their siblings. And at first I was overwhelmed and thought, man, we have a lot of issues to work on with these kids.

But as I dug under the surface, I realized that the root was a lack of confidence, a lack of feeling good about their place in the world. So think about this. If I don't feel good about myself, if I'm kind of always in trouble either at home or in school, always on red on the behavior chart, if school is harder for me than my siblings or classmates,

so that I internalize that I'm stupid or I'm the bad kid, I will likely lash out at my good siblings so that I feel better about myself or it's just an avenue for resentment.

I'll make up things, lie, or act silly in class so that other kids will like me or think I'm cool. I'll never admit that I'm wrong or lost a game because if I admit I lost a game, that makes me a loser. And see, all these things are about protecting my fragile ego or sense of self. It's a confidence issue. It also means...

And this is what I really need you to watch out for. Many of these kids grow into adulthood feeling like they're never good enough, that there's something wrong with them because they don't fit in or because they could never quite live up to the supposed standards that were expected by everyone of everyone. So they live with this kind of silent but always present feeling that says, you're not good enough.

you'll never really be good enough. You're different. You're less than. You don't fit in. And that can have devastating effects on their personal relationships, career advancement, and just happiness and contentment in life. It can lead to some dire consequences. But

We can counter this negativity and build your child's confidence in practical ways. So I'm going to go through four different ways on this episode. And then on the next episode, four more ways. And the final way is going to be like a killer idea that I'd love. And I am waiting for the end because it all builds toward that. So number one, accept your kids as they are. And this is going to rub you the wrong way and challenge you.

but it's critically important. You have kids who are different. They value different things than you do. They don't care about the things you care about most.

And look, if you continue to try to push your weight on these kids, it just won't work. Remember one of our phrases is, when we step back, it gives our kids space to step up. Because as long as you're trying to kind of micromanage and control them, they're not really being responsible for themselves. And see, think about this. This is the hard part for you as a good parent.

All these things that you want, like good study skills, trying your hardest, having lots of friends, playing sports, starting the day with a win by making your bed, being well-rounded, taking honors classes, all those things have served you well in life.

They have led to you being successful and happy. And so naturally, you become a parent and think, well, this is what I did to be happy and successful, and this is what everybody else focuses on, so I shall as well.

And then you have a strong willed child, a neurodivergent child, a child on the spectrum. And they simply don't care about these things. And they are usually not good at these things. But you and I keep pressing and forcing and trying to convince them to care about these things. You bribe, threaten, lecture, wring your hands over it, email me at midnight about it. And nothing ever works. So I'm going to ask you to do something for the next week. Stop.

Just stop with your, sorry for this, but I, stop with your effing agenda. And I say it like that because I want there to be some intensity around this to know this isn't like, well, you should really just try this. No, you have to do this. Let go of your effing agenda that drives you, that compels you to push and push. And what you think they should focus on instead is

For the next week, listen to your child. And I mean really listen so you hear, observe them, slow down, let go of your anxiety about their future and your control issues over how you think they should do things.

and the peer pressure, and the embarrassment you feel because your child isn't living up to your and societal expectations. And there will be embarrassment. And that's your issue because you're letting your own immaturity determine how you parent your child. And I'm not saying that, you know, I don't do guilt or manipulation stuff.

But I really want you to get to the root of this inside of it. Let go of that instead.

Look, instead of just living inside your brain and your heart and all of that anxiety there, get inside your child's head and heart. Try to understand how they see and view the world. Because if your child could verbalize what he or she is feeling, it might sound something like this. Mom, Dad, you're not effing listening to me. I have told you it is not the way my brain works.

It isn't. It's not something that I value or want to do. And you keep putting pressure on me to do it in subtle and overt ways. And it makes me feel angry and misunderstood and want to do the opposite. It continually makes me feel like a failure and like I can never please you.

Look, do you know how much damage this does to continually try to make someone fit into a personality or way of life that's not meant for or good for them? It's devastating. It always feels like you're doing something wrong. It makes you feel misunderstood.

And it makes it worse when you're compared to a good sibling, right? And it is a source of anger and frustration in many of your kids. And to be quite honest, I meet kids and young men and women in their 20s and 30s. And look, some of you are like this because this is what your parents did to you. And so all of this frustration and anger will come out.

and we spend so much of their lives trying to change them instead of accepting them as they are.

Instead of helping them navigate the path they are supposed to take, and they're going to take it no matter how much you lecture, how much you bribe, convince, or threaten. Look, you've done it your way, and you've tried it so hard, and nothing's worked, and it won't work. So dig into this. Really give some thought to this, and accept your kids as who they are. Number two.

Tell your kids the truth. Give them perspective about what's important and what's not. See, we kind of do this dance in life around these issues during their entire childhood. We play this game to see if we can somehow win at it. Because here's the truth. We know that much of what is required in school is simply arbitrary. And it is not necessary for success in life. This is not a knock against us.

Teachers, it is just the system. When you have a strong-willed child, you are going to have to wrestle with these ideas. Here are a few examples to me. Here's what's arbitrary: sitting still in class for seven hours a day. You never ever ever have to do that after you get out of school. Listening to someone talk about things you're not interested in. You don't have to do that every day except for your spouse.

Reading books you don't care about and then writing essays on it. That's not real life. In my 20 years in the corporate world, I chose jobs in industries that I was interested in. And now I didn't always love my job, but at least I was in an industry or had a focus that I cared about.

Here's another one. Memorizing information for a test and then forgetting the information. That is basically what grades are based on. I never had to memorize information in the corporate world. I had to analyze information, think about it. I had to present my ideas in a persuasive way. But that is 100% diametrically opposed to just memorizing information.

How about this one? Being grouped only with kids your own age. It's arbitrary. You don't do that. Nobody here works in a company with only 34-year-olds. So I'm not saying these things aren't valuable, but we can learn from those things. But these are not skills that are ever replicated after kids graduate and go into the real world.

And yet that's what we focus on their entire childhood. Can you see how that would be devastating to many of your kids who aren't naturally good at this? And we have this little dance where we kind of play like it really is important because we don't want to upset the school and we want to kind of fall in line and have our kids go through the motions so that it gives an appearance that they'll be successful in life.

But it's devastating for many of these kids. I never had to do most of those things in the corporate world, and yet we treat it like it's essential and important. And our kids are not naturally good at these things, but it's all that most parents and teachers focus on.

Very few people ever have the courage or the guts to simply be honest with these things with your kids. It's a broken system that works really well for neurotypical kids, but is extremely difficult and even damaging for kids with brains like they have, right? So help your kids distinguish between what is important and what's not.

Now, here's an example. Some of the talks I had with our son. Look, you're going to naturally struggle in school because success in school requires short-term memory skills in order to do well on tests. But you naturally struggle with that.

And that's okay because you have excellent strategic and critical thinking skills and you can see patterns. Now, those are the qualities that you will use and get paid for throughout your entire life because that's what companies value. Look, you're slower at doing your assignments, but that's because you're a deeper thinker. You look for different ways to do things. Well, school won't reward you for that, but life and companies will.

So don't ever think you're stupid because you struggle in school with remembering things you don't care about and because you work a little bit more slowly. School is only for childhood, but you're made for the adult world.

And you're going to spend most of your life in the adult world. And you've probably noticed this because you feel more comfortable around and connect well with older people. But you struggle with kids your own age. And that's natural. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You just don't find kids interesting. And that's hard because you're a kid grouped with only kids your own age. But most of your life will be spent with adults doing adult things. And you crush it.

when you do adult things. See, I wish someone had told me that when I was a kid so I didn't feel so awkward and like I was failing at childhood. And you can add to that all the ones you want, right? Like sitting still in school. When your kids are going to grow up and have jobs,

that they will choose jobs in which they can move a lot all the time. A kid in someone in sales, you're not sitting in a corporate office in a desk the whole time. So have those talks with your kids. And I know you are going to worry, well, if I tell them that, does that mean they're just going to shut down in school? Well, it's not like they're really working that hard at it anyway. And we're going to get to how to motivate them in school anyway. But have that talk, give them honest perspective.

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Here's my best advice. Affirm what your kids are already doing well without adding, but this is more important than you may realize with strong willed kids. They tend to shut down with any negativity. So notice what they're already doing well. Just observe and recognize it. I promise if you do this,

it will be highly motivating to your kids. They will work harder for you because they want to please you and they crave that positive recognition. They just usually feel like nothing is ever good enough for us as parents.

So do this without adding but if you would just apply yourself or try your best because that's destructive. So I want you to learn how to give positive intensity to the good choices and do that in a purposeful way. Like for the next two weeks, catch your kids making good choices. Give fist bumps. Well done, son. That shows me you're growing up. By the way, you know with strong will kids, when you give them praise, it's short and sweet and then you walk out of the room. Don't give a lot of attention to it.

But the specificity of this can be really helpful. And I'm just going to go through some. I just did this on the updated Discipline That Works program. I go through a ton of these very specifically. So, hey, son, when your sister looked at you and said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up.

Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier and I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and you said, good game to your brother. A lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I know you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologized. That's a really mature way to handle that. Hey, I heard you playing video games with your friends and it sounds like you're a leader there. I heard you sticking up for one of your teammates. It's a really great quality.

Hey, the Hendersons down the street stopped me on the way home to tell me how great a kid you are. That you stopped by to check on them the other day and help Mr. Henderson by taking out his trash. That's just awesome.

"Hey, I heard you apologize to your mom earlier. A lot of grown-ups can or won't even admit their mistakes, and that's really mature. Proud of you." See, those kind of specific affirmations, I promise your kids will listen to that and they'll think about those things over and over again. Tell me what child would not rather live up to high expectations than down to the low ones.

See, I want you to be a prophet of promise, not doom. Watch the words you speak over your child. Do not assume that the child who is nine today will be the same way when he's 19 or 29 or 39. Your kids grow up and mature. So don't say things like, oh, you've always been so lazy. You're never on time because those become self-fulfilling prophecies. You know, if I'm always late, why should I change now?

Instead, speak those positive things. You know what? You're becoming a responsible young man, responsible young lady. You're going to have a great future ahead of you. Look, most of your kids, they hear 10 negative comments for even one positive affirming statement. So re-tip the balance of that.

I know it takes some work up front, but it'll save you and your child so much aggravation in the long run and I guarantee your kids will want to and begin living up to your higher expectations. So do that this week. Okay, here is a really cool idea. Number four, use their particular gifts to help you. Ask your kids for their help.

You know one of our favorite strategies is to take what usually annoys you and use that to your advantage to motivate your child and bond with them. I used to hate when Casey played video games. It was dumb to me. I grew up playing sports outside with my friends, so it kind of drove me crazy.

But after discovering that lecturing, dismissing, and denigrating his interests wasn't motivating, I decided to enter into his world and use this to my advantage. I stopped reacting and getting irritated, and instead I just observed.

And I noticed when he played Call of Duty with his friends online that he was actually confident and a leader. He would direct his team, build up the kids who weren't so good. He'd give them tips. He'd lead them strategically. He was actually problem solving on the fly. So I decided to do something different.

I would occasionally say this, "Hey Case, I could really use your problem-solving help with a situation this morning." Now at first he'd look at me like, "Why are you asking me for help?" And I just kind of casually and factually say, "Well, I know from listening to you play your video games, watching you, you're actually really good at this. So I'm wondering if I could get your thoughts on this situation." So I would share a situation or something even within our home

and I'd ask how he would think about it, and I'd ask his opinion. It doesn't mean you have to do what they say. It means you are involving them, and instead of trying to change them or just be negative, you're actually engaging them and you're reinforcing, yes, you have these qualities. I have seen them. Now, here's the hard part for you as a parent. You just don't see these qualities with them trying their hardest at schoolwork and doing chores.

But you do notice them if you look for it. A mom just emailed and said this, I got your programs with the Black Friday sale. They are way more helpful and less expensive than any therapy we've ever done. But the biggest change I've noticed since going through your programs is the shift in how I see my son and interact with him.

I now realize I have been perpetually irritated by him and he must have picked up on that. But now when he complains about something, I am able to respond truthfully. You know what? Your brain is so good at solving problems. I can't wait to see how you find a solution to this.

And recently he started solving problems before even telling me. And I can see his self-efficacy, that's a great word, has increased. So thanks for the great perspective shift. And my response is, no, thank you. You're the ones, moms and dads, who have to do this hard work to wrestle with like, oh, I've always been led to believe I'm supposed to do this as a parent and kids are supposed to do this.

And then you have a strong willed child and it blows all of that up. And then you have to really wrestle with these ideas and come to terms with your own anxiety and control issues and say, you know what? I think this kid is on a different path. So I'm going to raise him or her differently. So I dare you to do this this week. Let's work on these four strategies for the next few days, next couple of weeks, and

And I bet you'll begin to notice a shift in how your child sees himself or herself and how you see them. In the next episode, I'm going to go through how to get teachers to see them differently. And when your kids start feeling some competence and confidence and mastery over something, it will impact the sibling issues. They will be able to play games and lose. They

they will begin to take more responsibility for themselves.

So in the next episode, I'll give you an absolute killer idea. I haven't shared this in a long time. And I'm actually going to show you how you can use chicken nuggets to motivate your kids. So take advantage of Black Friday sale. If we can help you in any way, if you need help financially in anything, just reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey. Moms and dads, thanks for... And grandparents too. Thanks for working so hard at this. I know it's hard. And thanks for sharing the podcast with others.

We'll talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.