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So how do you put out the fireworks in your home? And how do you help these kids who are sensory seekers? That's what we're going to discuss on today's, I hope, very action-packed and brief episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I'm going to try to keep this brief. It is 4th of July in America. This is when we celebrate our strong-willed colony rebelling against the authority figure
almost 250 years ago, and then we wonder why we have so many strong-willed kids. By the way, Australia. Love our Australian friends. We get so many orders from Australia, and what that means is you have a lot of strong-willed kids over there. So we're kind of kindred spirits that way. So let's jump into this. I want to give you seven do's and don'ts for putting out the emotional fire in your home, and then I'm going to add a little section on sensory issues.
I think you're going to find this really, really helpful. So here's the thing. Meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They are. So do you have a plan to put out the emotional fire? I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting, it's just going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless. But it doesn't have to be
this way. So I want to give you seven quick things that we learned over the course of a decade. We had 1,500 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum, neurodivergent kids in our home. So we had plenty of time to practice what to do and what not to do. Number one, look, you already know these things, but let's just roll through them. Number one, do not react. If
If you react to your child, you have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons. And that creates a lot of instability because they're not supposed to be in control. And if you react by getting upset yourself,
You're actually pouring fuel on the fire. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not, I can help you. See, that will build trust. That will begin to...
Take away a lot of that intensity in your home when you can stop reacting and put out that fire. Number two, do not give eye contact. I know everything you hear is like, get down, look your kids in the eyes, and reassure them that everything's going to be okay. It usually works best.
backfires on you when you do that for a couple reasons. One, you've heard me say, I don't like that really sweet, reassuring tone actually creates more instability. It doesn't sound confident, and it sounds like they should be upset. The other reason is this. When kids start to act out, and they react, and they throw things, and they yell things, they
they immediately know it's wrong and they get embarrassed. And that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes, reinforcing the shame, and that inflames the situation more. Nobody wants to be looked at when they're melting down or out of control, whether they're four or 44. So I don't give eye contact to
When kids are melting down, and in negative times, I save my eye contact for when kids make really good choices. Then eye contact, hey, really good choice there. Remember I told you that short and sweet with a praise. Hey, really good choice. Love how you walked away from your brother. Hey.
I really like how you handled that. Fist bump shows me you're growing up. Short and sweet, good eye contact. But when they're upset, that's why you'll hear me saying, hey, I can tell you're frustrated. If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Hey, if you want to dump the Legos out, I'll help you build a spaceship. Hey, I forgot something at the store. If you want to meet me in the car in three minutes, we'll drive up there and grab a snack on the way back. Walking, driving next to each other, building with something, coloring.
You're not staring them in the eyes. Number three, do not try to reason with your child. It won't work. Asking your child to use their words, right? Use your words, honey. Right? You know what they're going to use? They're going to use some words that are really inappropriate. It's fruitless because you cannot process language when you're upset, right?
So we also don't want to dismiss their concerns, right? Because you don't like it when your spouse says, oh, it's no big deal. There's no reason to be upset. You're just overreacting. Yeah, I didn't think you liked that. So don't do that. I know some of you do timeouts. There's nothing wrong with it, except it usually doesn't work because
Because good luck trying to make a strong-willed child just sit still in a chair. And because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes you more angry. Think about it. We do that at school sometimes. They do that. Well, let's fill out this think sheet. And you can think through why you made that choice. And the child's going to get more angry sometimes.
Because you can't really just think through being calm. That's why we like the idea of motion changes emotion, of giving your kids actual physical action steps to do to calm them down. Number four, kind of related to this, do not talk a lot. Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more upset your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered, the anxiety and uncertainty in your voice changes
actually makes the situation more unstable. And all of that talking, I can't process it. I don't know what to do. That's why we're always like, hey, let's identify your emotions. And here's what the kids are thinking. I already know what my emotions are. What I need help with is someone to teach me what to do with that frustration and that disappointment.
Endless talking doesn't help. And by the way, it doesn't usually work in therapy either. So that's why I prefer taking action steps. If you go through our programs, I have action steps. It's not just thinking and journaling. We do think about things and reflect. But then there's always action steps because that's how you break patterns. And that's how you calm kids down. Number five.
Do not give consequences while your child is still upset. So you have to deescalate before you discipline because we'll do that. You know, if you don't stop this meltdown right now, I'm going to take away all your video games. Well, now they're going to go to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing. Now you've taken everything away. What's left? I might as well burn it to the ground.
So that's why I like leading your child to a calm place. I lead them to that. See, once they're calm and I'm calm, then we can discipline. But you know what's even better than consequences?
teaching your child how to handle frustration better next time. I'd rather do a lot more proactive teaching than just saying, hey, you better stop that or else. Number six, do sit down, lie down, or do something goofy or funny. Use an even, non-emotional tone that says, everything's okay, I'm in control of myself.
I've got this under control. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself, even though your child isn't. And this is very settling to kids. The sitting down thing, look, it's very simple. And I know people, I've been doing this for 25 years. Oh, that's so simplistic. Yeah. You know why? Because it works. And because every single human being on the planet, you
In any situation, I can sit down. But remembering 15 different calming strategies, I don't always know. But when I sit down, it changes my tone of voice. It changes my perspective. And it tends to lead kids to a different place. The lying down thing,
Man, I used to do that a lot with these kids. I'd just lie down in the middle of the floor, and they'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like, not reacting to you, but I can tell you're upset. Why don't you lie down? We'll color. I loved coloring with kids. Look, you get a teenager who will sit down and color with you, it's almost impossible to yell while you're coloring.
So do sit down. Do use that even matter of fact tone. Number seven, do use intensity and give your child a job to do, a mission. You hear this phrase all the time in our audio programs. Motion changes emotion. Movement helps a child process disappointment and frustration. So get them moving and doing a specific physical activity. And you know I like that intensity. Max, I'd be frustrated too if that happened to me. You know what I like to do when I get frustrated?
Frustrated? Then you lead your child in an intense physical activity, or you give your child a challenge, but you can't climb that. Go through your obstacle course. Terror this for me in less than 48 seconds, but you can't move that bag of topsoil, shovel that mulch. See, physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climbers, so climbing a tree, rock climbing wall. Some of you have those in the
The intensity lets the child know you're taking this situation seriously. Giving a child a specific mission or job to do that he or she is good at doing will help your child feel like they're in control of something. See, when I give them a job, right? Oh man, I really, I forgot. I really need some help carrying this outside. It's heavy, but I, you know, I bet you're strong enough to do it.
And so with older kids, I ask them to do something grown up with you or for you because it makes them feel important, competent, needed like an adult. Cooking, mixing ingredients. And by the way, all of these things are really good for your sensory kids.
cooking, mixing ingredients, shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space, all help a child create order in his or her body and brain. So let me wrap this up and then I'll do the sensory stuff. So this summer, practice a calming routine, right? We practice vocabulary words. We practice math facts. So why not have
five or six calming routines already planned out ahead of time. You have a fire drill at school, so the kids know exactly what to do when the fire alarm goes off. So have a plan for emotional fires when they inevitably happen. Have a predetermined plan and options when your child does get upset. Oh, I forgot we hit X in the backyard. I wanted to see if you could find it.
You know what, the broom in the basement broke. You know what, could you find some duct tape and fix that for me? Just try that. You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface. And it's the same with acne. Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see, it's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores. Look, acne can be painful.
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So we've been talking about working with your child's nature. Online learning allowed us the flexibility to work with Casey's natural learning style. And that's why I encourage you to check out K-12 at k12.com slash calm. K-12 powered schools are accredited tuition-free online public schools designed with an engaging curriculum. With K-12, learning is personalized and
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Okay, so let me do this very, it'd be pretty quick. I'm really trying to do this quickly. So three kind of things that are happening in your child's brain. We've been through two of these already in the past couple months. The kids with the busy brains, the neurotransmitters in the brain not connecting. So you have kids with busy brains. So chaos and disorder, executive function issues, trouble with short-term memory. It's why they're controlling and bossy. It's why you can't play games with them. They're
It's why they collect little acorns and stones in their pockets because it's something they can control. It's why transitions are hard and it's where anxiety comes from. Second thing happening in the brain for some of your kids, they don't get enough dopamine to the brain. The brain is physiologically under-stimulated. So that's why they fidget, tap, that's why they hum sometimes. Why do they argue? Pure brain stimulation. That's why they push your buttons. That's why they fight with siblings sometimes. Procrastination, doing things the hard way.
All those things stimulate the brain. And then the third thing is many of you have kids who have some sensory processing needs. So it can be they are hypersensitive. So things are too loud. And that's where the fireworks come into play. So some of your kids...
Look, they're just not going to do it. It's going to be really hard for them. Or you give them noise-canceling headphones. I used to teach kids when noises bothered them. I teach them how to take their fist and kind of just pound on their thighs in a rhythmic motion because sometimes the rhythmic motion and the sensory pounding against their thighs countered all the dissonant noise, discordant noise.
and all the chaos. It's a really interesting thing. Some of your kids, look, when I used to do a lot of work in the schools and with parents who had kids struggling with school, I'd hear this thing of like, oh yeah, your child's really distracted, has trouble focusing. And I'd be like, well, what time of day? Well, in the afternoon. And you know what sometimes we found?
It was because they wouldn't use the bathroom. Because in some schools, those toilets, when you flush them, they sound like tornadoes. And they're just too loud, and they hurt your kids' ears. Or it could be some kids won't go to the bathroom because in the bathroom, that's where our kids often get picked on. Because sometimes our kids are the loners and the easy ones to get picked on. And some of our kids just plain have, I don't know any other way to say it, pee anxiety.
They don't want to pull down their pants because then there are things hanging out and other kids may like make fun of it. So guess what they do? Hold it all afternoon. So guess what? They don't have focus issues. They just had to pee. And so the way I found this out is I would start asking parents questions because I like being curious. And I'd find, oh, when they got home, these kids went right to straight to the bathroom. So you find out a lot of times when you're curious and look for patterns, it's
The outward behavior isn't usually the real issue. Something else is going on. So more hypersensitive stuff. These kids are often smell freaks. Our son was like this. He had just everything to this day. He smells everything. They're hypersensitive to it. And that's why I like doing homework sometimes while you're cooking dinner, because that can be...
It can stimulate your brain. That's partly why we do work at a coffee shop. It's not just the caffeine, it's the aroma. The olfactory senses are stimulated and helps them learn. That's why lighting a candle sometimes. I used to, when our son was young, I would put a little bit of edge shaving gel right under his nose.
And it was two things. One, it was kind of comforting because it reminded him of me. And then also, he could smell that all day long. And he liked that. Some of your kids are very sensory with foods, and it's going to drive you crazy. And you're going to be like, but they eat the same foods all the time. Look, I'll give you my old guy wisdom. Chill with that. I know, but they need to learn to eat different things. No, they don't. Not right now. Don't create so much drama.
and so much intensity and tension around eating food. Just model it. You eat healthy, eventually they will. But don't get all upset because they only eat five different foods. So do I. I'm 58. I eat really healthy, but I eat the same foods all the time. I've eaten a spinach salad with
goat cheese and pistachios and olive oil since last November. That's almost, what's that, like eight months now in a row. Just about every day. Why? I like it. It's consistent. I don't have to think about all kinds of other things. Does that drive my family crazy? Of course, but I'm a grown man and I like it.
So relax with some of that. So you're going to find busy places, crowds, a lot of chaos. They're going to become very tentative. I'm 58. I try to avoid big crowds. I just don't like it.
And so when I'm there, I give myself a mission, something to focus on. So give your kids missions, something to get their brains focused on something so they're not overwhelmed by everything. Now, here's the other part. Some of your kids are also hyposensitive.
So what they're looking for is physical pressure, usually on their joints. Their body is literally screaming for this pressure. It's settling for their bodies. It is settling, I think, in their brains. I am very much like this. This is why some of your kids, if you allow them to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in the closet, some of your kids want to sleep between
the box spring and the mattress. Some of your kids want to sleep between the bed and the wall. Let them do it. Pile stuff on them. That sensory pressure feels really good. I would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. You can get these brushes that you can roll them with. You can get little, you can do all kinds of things. You can start with a back rub, just squeezing them. For some kids, man, that is a great way to start the day.
Look, if you have little sensory kids and they show up in first, second, third grade, kindergarten, pre-K, and they walk in the room and they see three or four boys in the back of the room, guess what they're thinking? Rumble. And so the teacher's going to say, "Well, your child is aggressive."
Well, that's what the outward behavior looks like, but they're just seeking sensory pressure and they're little kids. So the first way they figure out to do it is just to wrestle with other kids. Now, when we were kids, we got to do a lot of that. Think about that. When we were kids, we did a lot of horseplay. We played in streams.
My friends and I played a game called kill the guy with the ball. So you threw a football up in the air. One guy caught it, and then four or five of us would just jump on that guy and tackle him. You know how much sensory pressure we were getting back then?
We were falling down. We were walking on uneven surfaces all the time. That met those sensory needs, but our kids don't get that as much. So in school, I'm going to have them move heavy books. I'm going to have them do chair pushups. If you go through the ADHD University program, it's within the package. I go through all of this in great detail.
Here's also for your kids: martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, shoveling mulch, doing yard work, really good for them. You've heard me tell the story about when kids were at our house and I had a one-word code word when they got upset: "Sofa!" And their job was to go in the living room, take the cushions off the sofa, lie on the hard part of the sofa. I would put the cushions on top of them and I would sit down on top of the cushions
It was instantly calming. Three reasons: it was weird, no eye contact, and physical pressure.
Obstacle courses. I love having an obstacle course in your backyard or your basement for little kids and even older kids when they're upset or just early in the morning. Hide their food. Make them crawl. Go under things, over things, around things. Climb, pull, push. All those things will really help. And look up an occupational therapist. They're always positive, helpful people. Okay, I was trying to do this short. If you need some help...
Find us at celebratecalm.com. Again, work on this summer. Work on yourself. Work through all these issues. Work through our programs. So when the school year comes back around, you are ready for it. So happy birthday, America. Thank you to our Australian friends and friends all around the world who are reaching out to us. We love you all. And if we can help you in any way, just let us know. Bye-bye.