Shownotes Transcript
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Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support this podcast and tell them that we sent you. So do you have a strong-willed or neurodivergent child who should be able to buzz through his or her homework today?
in like 45 minutes, but would seemingly rather fight you tooth and nail for twice that long to not do it. Does homework time ever end in tears for you or your child? Because look, saying in a frustrated voice, you know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. It's not motivating to your child. And you've tried bribery and threats and pleading and consequences and nothing seems to work. Well,
Well, let's try using their brain's natural powers to make this a little less stressful. On a previous podcast, we talked about how to internally motivate your child, so listen to that. We talked about respectfully saying no to homework sometimes, and that's an option.
But the true importance of this podcast episode is that it's not just about jump-starting your child's brain to complete school assignments. The more important part is understanding how your child's brain works best and teaching that to your child. Because this is the brain they will have the rest of their lives, through their schooling, through college, and into their work life.
So I'd actually let your kids listen to this podcast and ask them to use these ideas themselves. And it'll probably spur some even better ideas. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump into this right away and try to make your evenings less stressful and more enjoyable.
10 ideas number one prime your kids brains after school by giving your kids something they are in control of Because all day at school Everything's out of their control and it's chaotic and your kids are very sensitive and there's people rushing around kids in the hallways and lots of noise and by 2:00 p.m Many of your kids are emotionally and mentally exhausted. They're done. So here are some ideas. I
Could you give your child a more adult type mission that makes them feel like a grown-up and in control of something when they come home? Does your child like organizing or arranging things? I know a lot of kids on the spectrum do even like a rote tasks like organizing paper clips by color Something that doesn't require any emotional or real mental effort, but it's within their control. I
I really love doing treasure hunts outside with younger kids. Hiding something in the backyard, that fresh air exercise and looking for something special is a great transition. Some of your kids need some downtime. They need some space alone. So let them listen to music with their little earbuds or sit in silence on the way home.
By the way, don't ask about their school day every day, especially if your child doesn't like school, right? It sounds like this. Hey, how was your day at that place where you're on red on the behavior chart and don't have any many friends because you struggle to get along with your peers and work is extra hard for you because you have dyslexia or whatever it is, right? Like what are they supposed to say? And so instead, because look, when you do that,
sometimes it feels like an interrogation. Hey, did you get your homework done? Hey, did you get that class? Hey, how'd you do on that test?
Instead, ask their opinion about current events or something that happened to you that day. See, that takes the pressure off of them so that they don't feel like being interrogated. It's kind of a neat thing. Look, could one parent leave an envelope every day with a special mission inside? So your child runs into the house and there's an envelope waiting with some mission from mom or dad to complete.
could your child go to a neighbor's house? I love this, especially maybe an older retired couple or an elderly lady. Could they just go down to a neighbor's house to help them for 15 or 20 minutes with something? Or maybe walk a neighbor's dog or feed a cat. See, those things are very grounding and it's better than them hopping on screen. So think about your new afternoon tradition. Number two, do
Do homework outside. Pack up some homework, some snacks, and get moving if you can. Walk through the woods, build a fort, skip stones across a creek. Fresh air changes moods. Exercise stimulates the brain. Doing harder physical work and breaking a sweat releases endorphins, which are awesome for learning.
Look, your kids are not always going to want to go outside. You have to lead them there. Make it fun. Make it a game. Let your little landscapers do some yard work. Look, when we did homework with kids, sometimes kids would help me shovel, mulch, and plant things, and then they'd sit in the dirt and do their homework. Why? Because it was just a little bit different.
Sometimes we'd climb into these drainage ditches in our neighborhood and I told the kids it was a sewer and they liked it even more because little kids are disgusting and it was different and we were underground where we weren't supposed to be. It was dark so we did schoolwork with flashlights. It was wet and fun and different.
I like riding bikes to somewhere interesting. And maybe you do one subject in that spot. You have a snack and you ride to a different spot, like a construction zone, so the kids can watch the diggers and everything happen.
Walk, ride bikes, take a bus, who cares? Go explore and take schoolwork with you if you have that flexibility. Or just throw a blanket on the lawn and do schoolwork there. Or do some work like if you live in Minnesota where it's cold, then do your schoolwork inside the igloo that you built. Okay, number three. This is really important.
Manage your child's energy, not their time. You have to teach your kids how their brains are wired. And this is a crucial insight for our kids. See, traditional time management tends to be linear. It works really well for neurotypical people. But it doesn't really work with our kids because our kids...
tend to work in spurts. They hyper-focus. They work on momentum. They feel things deeply.
So learn how and when your most challenging child focuses best. It may actually be early in the morning before everybody is up. It could be after exercise. We used to do homework a lot at the ice rink after Casey had practice. He came off the rink. He just had a lot of exercise and we would do the work right there. Look, if your child is crushing it in math one day, well, keep doing that
more math if you can do three days worth of math work that day. It's unnatural and actually very difficult to switch back and forth between five different subjects in a day. I work best on, look, Casey and I both have learned how to manage our energy, not our time. We
We work best usually on weekends when everyone else is off and it's kind of more chill. Because I pick up on that energy. I don't like working during the work week. Everybody's all... So I go out and hike and I play and do other things during the week and I do more work in the evenings or on weekends. In fact, I'm recording this actually on a Saturday afternoon. Look, that's why teens often like staying up late to do work. The world is quieter and so are the parents.
Casey and I do this all the time. Look, we'll go for a morning hike and then do work when our brains feel focused. And then also we'll do mundane non-thinking work when we're kind of in that wall kind of period. So put some time. There's a lot more on this on the ADHD University program and throughout our programs, just different ideas that work for our neurodivergent kids that maybe
that you haven't heard of. So put some time into teaching your kids how to manage their energy, not their time. So, and by the way, I really want your kids listening to that program in particular. I'd love for them to listen to ADHD University so they learn how their brains work. They don't have to have ADHD. They don't have to love the label, but it's how their brains work. Talks about sensory issues. The Strong Willed Child Program, you will have great discussions with your child because you'll be like, hey, is that how you feel?
The Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program for them, teaching them how to control themselves, their impulses, their emotions.
They could listen to actually all of our programs, but I would have them listen to those three and then let them implement that in their lives. Okay, number four. This is another different idea. Use time compression to your advantage. And this is really important as kids get older because sometimes parents will say, no, you can't get a job because you need to focus on homework.
But look, a lot of your older kids, they've got from like 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. I'm a realist. Many of your kids don't go to bed till way after that. So they've got like eight hours to get their homework done. But it's too much time and it allows them to procrastinate too much.
But if they're involved in a sport, a drama club, or have a job, it compresses their time. And I noticed the power of this when Casey was traveling with me for live events. So we'd roll into a new town at, say, 547, and we'd go right to Panera Bread because they had free Wi-Fi access.
And we now had 43 minutes to eat and get our work done before leaving for the live event. And what I discovered was that definitive time limit compressing the time he had to get writing assignments done helped him focus better. It was a defined time limit. So he knew it wasn't going to last forever and it forced his brain to hyper focus.
It also worked because we were eating, music was playing, and there was activity going on there. See the rhythm from eating and the music actually creates rhythm in the brain. All of that was stimulating for his brain. I use this for myself all the time. I give myself a defined time limit to work on a podcast
And I did that at this moment while I was working on this one. So use that at home. You can even jumpstart your child's brain and get a success by saying, okay, in the next 17 minutes, because I like interesting time limits, let's knock out this assignment.
play some music, get some movement. I'm a realist. Some of your kids are going to be so resistant you could do the following: "Hey, don't tell anyone, but we're going to do this worksheet together. We're going to knock it out in 17 minutes. You do the odd problems, I'll do the even ones." And you can do it together. Well, isn't that cheating? No! When you're doing the even math problems, you're showing your work and teaching. Plus, you're just getting it done. And that's called being smart.
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Okay, number five. I want you to learn how to use rhythm, use music, kids chewing snacks, tapping on pencils.
And here's why: your kids usually have very busy brains. It feels like chaos inside their brains and that's why they always want to control things. They control conversations. They're bossy, can't play board games with them because they're gonna cheat, change the rules or quit. It's all about creating order because they don't have it inside. And something else you'll learn in the ADHD University program is about the need for rhythm. So think about a chaotic brain that's not all that organized with thoughts and feelings and ideas tumbling around like socks in a dryer.
Well now you introduce rhythm through music and chewing and movement and tapping pencils and that creates rhythm in the brain. It can actually help your kids focus better. So I would experiment with allowing your kids to listen to music and especially intense music as I did while I was writing this because it can help with writing projects and other subjects.
Let your kids eat their snack while doing schoolwork instead of, "Hey, why don't you get a snack and then we'll do your work?" Because chewing brings blood flow to the brain. It relaxes, it relieves anxiety, it creates rhythm.
If you allow your child at times to stand at the kitchen counter where he or she can rock back and forth chewing on a snack, listening to music while doing homework, sometimes that is magical. There are a ton of other ideas here, but think about rhythm. Number six.
Use movement to stimulate and focus the brain. So you can review vocabulary words and quiz your kids while they're jumping on a trampoline, while they're kicking a ball back and forth, while they're shooting hoops, while they're spinning. Because a lot of your kids spin a lot because it meets a vestibular need. And instead of getting all upset, stop spinning. You can review vocabulary words and I guarantee you they will love doing that. We taught kids how to read while swinging on a swing.
It's weird, but it works. If you have a child who likes hanging off the sofa upside down, good. Use that to your advantage. It brings blood flow to the brain and probably meets a sensory need that calms your child. So walk into the living room and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. And then go lie upside down next to your child and quiz him or her. Bond over these weird things.
Do you have a child who likes confined spaces? Good. So instead of sitting your child at the table of death where you stand over them berating them or just with all that pressure, instead put a blanket over the kitchen table. Now you have a fort. Forts are fun. Now they can sit or lie down under the table on the floor eating the mac and cheese and chicken nuggets that fell off the table from the night before and
and they can do their schoolwork. I have kids, I've known kids who sit in the parents' master bedroom closet and do their work, sitting even in the car doing that, confined spaces, movement, learn how their brains work. By the way, observe your kids. They're gonna tell you everything they need, like a cardboard box. Put them in a cardboard box and see if they do their homework, the weirder the better.
Okay, number seven, experiment with doing work in different parts of your home. Try it in the attic, a basement, a tree house, the car, or out in public. And it may sound weird, but try it. We used to take kids to the local Caribou coffee shop to do one or two subjects because they liked that there were antlers on the walls and there was a fire going on in winter, so it was cozy, right? Plus they were at an adult place.
And then we would drive to the local ice rink. Sometimes they could skate for a little bit, more endorphins, and do more work. We just packed snacks to avoid paying for food everywhere. So...
Work on that. Try it at school. Doing teenagers, you get home from school, let them sit in the minivan, the SUV, and do their work in there. It's a confined place somewhere different. It's a little bit weird. I mentioned a tree house. Experiment. Okay, eight, trade kids with another mom or dad, especially if you're good friends with these people. Get together a couple times for a week.
maybe a couple hours of work and then let the kids play together and perhaps the other mom or dad teaches your child math while you teach their child writing because sometimes you have a fresh voice and you're way more important you are way more patient with other people's kids than with your own kid
So if you're, it could be, let's say you're the one who usually does homework with the kids every afternoon or evening, well have your spouse take over the job on a routine basis because then your kids get to listen to someone with a fresh perspective and a different voice.
Number nine, I love this idea. You'll be resistant, but do it anyway. Find an older couple in your neighborhood or community to help you. And I know you're going to resist, but think about it. You have this older couple you know, and they already raised their kids. They're safe. They're patient. They miss having their kids around. Some of you even have retired school teachers in your neighborhood or church or synagogue. So use them. Just simply ask them.
Hey, I've got this one really bright kid, but man, he really resists me during homework time, but he's got a big heart. He'd be willing to do anything you ask him around your house. Would you consider doing a couple subjects with my son or daughter once or twice a week? And you won't want to do this because you don't want to bother that older couple or old lady down the street.
but you're not looking at it the right way. This older couple would love having your bright child at their house. Your child will bring energy and youth into their home and probably be wonderfully helpful and engaging. Your kids are awesome for other people.
And it gives this older couple a new mission. They'll feel good helping a frustrated mom and dad and bright kid. It gives them something to talk about. They've been married for 45 years. They don't have anything new in their life. And so it's a gift to this older couple. And if you don't try that, here's my guilt for you, you're robbing them of joy and purpose.
You know what? Your child, the strong-willed child is going to love being the center of attention at their home. This old couple will dote on and encourage and praise your child. They'll be more patient. They'll be even tougher on him as well. Hey, I know you're capable. Sit down. You need to get this done. And your child will listen to them.
because they aren't you and that child will come home feeling confident and good about himself or herself and it gives your child an opportunity to do a service project for this older couple helping with things around the house. Look and if you got really lucky maybe you've got a son send him down and the old guy's a retired engineer handyman kind of guy who can teach your child how to build and fix things.
Or, anyway, you know what else it does? It will give you and your compliant kids time to breathe and work and have peace at home for a couple hours while your strong-willed child is enjoying his time down the street with the Johnsons.
Do this. It's a brilliant idea. It works so well. Okay, number 10. Create successes, get small wins, and affirm your child. Start with small wins. Just get what you can. Let them read and write about something they're interested in. Make it a practical thing. When I was a kid, I used to write letters to the cereal companies asking for a refund because there wasn't enough cereal in there and I got a check back.
for $1.37, which shows how old I am because that's how much cereal cost back then.
let them write to someone they respect or better yet someone they disagree with to a politician let them read more adult type books i'm not talking about adult books right and articles write a rebuttal on a political forum how about that anything that engages their curiosity and affirm your child for what he or she is already doing well stop the whole hey good job but if you would apply yourself
You just completely negated everything there. So I know it's easy to get frustrated with our kids and point out all the things they're doing wrong, but let's break that cycle. Start to affirm your kids' unique gifts and talents and reward them for progress, not perfection. That is way more motivating than just correcting them all the time. Okay, bonus idea, because I love this one. This tends to be better for older kids, but I wouldn't mind doing it. I would do this with a fourth or fifth grader.
Do a late night bonding homework time and I have this down with a teen or twin older kid Mom or dad could say hey, I've got this big project due tomorrow I was wondering if you want to head to Buffalo Wild Wings or IHOP around 9:00 p.m. With me you could bring your own work and I'll do mine. We'll get some wings get some pancakes I'd love the company
I did this all the time. You know why? Because kids love feeling like grownups. And it's way more fun doing schoolwork late at night at Taco Bell or Buffalo Wild Wings or IHOP than in your home. Plus, it's not like they're missing out on sleep anyway. Your kids don't sleep much.
It's really fantastic bonding time. And now mom or dad is there. They're doing their own work. The child is there doing their own work. So you're not just sitting there waiting for your child to be done. You're there and you're available to help, but you're not just hovering.
I guarantee you if you do this, your kids will open up to you and you will have fantastic talks on the car ride home because it's dark, they're tired. So here's what I encourage you to do. Let your kids listen to this or just give them a recap and see what ideas they come up with. Let them have some flexibility.
I really would love for them to listen to this to our program so they understand, yeah, that's how my brain works and there's nothing wrong with it. I do have some struggles, say short-term memory, but man, I have a lot of advantages. And if I learn how to manage my energy, not my time, and if I use movement and rhythm, see, they'll be able to use that at college. They'll be able to take ownership of
of their own homework time, and that's what you're really after anyway, is teaching them how to get it done. And now they'll be armed with ideas of like, wait, so could I do my homework listening to music underneath the table, eating a snack?
I don't care. That would be awesome as long as you get it done. And I promise you, they will come up with the weirdest ideas and you're going to be like, don't care. As long as it gets done, go for it. So let's do that. If you have questions, let us know. But thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing it. Do share this one with other parents because homework, man, it can drive families apart, right? Because it's...
It's stress for hours every single night, all week long. And then husbands and wives start fighting over it. And the whole family's fighting. It can destroy a family. And there's no need for that. So please do share this particular episode with your friends.
Let me know what your kids come up with. I'd love to. I'm going to be posting some videos on Instagram about this. Let me know what ideas your kids come up with to do their homework themselves. All right. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.