What's Up With Your Face? w/ Ari Shaffir and Adrienne Iapalucci | YMH Ep. 785
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Tickets are available now for my November and December shows. November 27th, I am at the Hollywood Florida Seminole Hard Rock. November 29th, I'm in Tallahassee at the Donald L. Tucker Civic Center. December 7th, I'm in Nolens at the Lakefront Arena. And December 8th, I'm in Pensacola at the Pensacola Bay Center. Tickets are at TomSagura.com slash tour. I will see you there. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

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Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am being joined by two great guests. First, I have to say the return of the Big Jay, Ari Shafir, and with him, celebrating the release of her new special, The Dark Queen, which is out now on Netflix. Check out Adrienne Appaloochee, everybody. Give her a hand. And of course, you can check out Ari's pod, You Be Trippin' every Monday.

So anyway, fuck your stuff. Adrian, congratulations. Oh my God, thank you. On your special. You shot it at The Cellar in New York, directed by the one and only Louis C.K.? Yes, and produced by this guy. Produced by me. We cannot wait for the anger to come. Is a lot of anger coming? Off the jokes, off Louis. Hopefully I'll get some, but I think I... I think so, you will. Get someone even more divisive.

to like shield me. That's awesome. This is exciting. Well, they asked me to cut the first six minutes because they want them to get mad right away. They asked you to cut it? The first six minutes because they were like, we just, we want you to get right to it. Right to it. The first six minutes was kind of like, hi, and some jokes about our family. They're like, just go right to it. There was no jokes about my family at all. I have like no jokes about my family. Yeah, yeah.

But just they got, they went straight to fucking exciting, like punching people in the mouth. I think so, yeah. Because they were like. It's nice that they're not now like hiding away from stuff. Right. Yeah.

No, that's awesome. I mean, I've known who you are, and it's from jokes that people are like, yeah, of course. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I mean, your stuff definitely makes its way around. Interesting. I never think anyone knows who I am. Oh, absolutely. And yeah, it's exciting when somebody like you gets a shot like this, because...

You know, that platform is still the craziest thing. I mean, Netflix is still the fucking granddaddy of them all. So that's awesome that you're going to be there. I'm excited. I hope people are upset. I hope some people like it, but I hope they don't. Let me tell you something. They are going to be. I know they're going to be. And I've experienced...

I know you have. Rage and outrage, and it is coming. Yeah. You're going to get it. But here's the thing. I think there's something about the fact that you're not some fucking 22-year-old damsel in distress who's like, la, la, la, everything's fine. You know what you do. Nothing's fine. You know, but you know.

So I think when it comes, you're going to be like, oh, look, it's here. Yeah, that was the point. You're going to see it. It's funny watching people walk out sometimes at the cellar, and they'll be like, you're terrible. And she just goes, you're not wrong.

Remember the one taping that Louis wanted to do? He was like, we should do a show where nobody knows you're doing a special. And it was the worst show. Just like a regular cellar crowd. They had no idea I'm headlining and just taping a special. So it's just regular people. And it was so bad. They wouldn't leave.

Yeah. And this was taped or no? We taped four of them. But that was one of them. Yeah, and that was the worst one. Are you using that? Not at all. No, but it would be funny to put the special next to that. Sure. Because there's one, remember, Lou was like, there was one joke he did and someone was like,

this is terrible. And then on the other show, someone was like, here we go. It's just two different vibes. I mean, it just shows you too, because it's like, you know, when people celebrate or, or like announce who they don't like, and you kind of just go like, yeah, dude, this really is all subjective. This is, because it's,

there are people who's their favorite favorite and they'll they're adamant and they're passionate about it comic is like you know like a really clean comic and you go yeah that's that's who you like or you know they or they like somebody really really dark it just it's just not for you or it's just not for you exactly it's like going i always thought it was like going to the movies like when you go to the movies you see 12 titles up or whatever right and it's like well the you know the the pg thing that you're like i don't see that bullshit it's like yeah that's not for you but it's

- Right, it's for someone else. - These other group of people wants to see it and that's the same thing with standup. - These British Indian people were outside after that show and she was changing, getting ready for the next day and I just hear, I don't know why they stayed the whole show but at the end and they were just still out there talking, she goes, "She deserves to be canceled."

that's pretty awesome i was like agent hold up upstairs one second you remember louis was like we should do all of them like that at first and i was like i'm not for like that's not smart yeah not for like i don't think that's i also think that actually like as a one-off that's kind of a fun experiment sure but for the joy part of the joy of performing is not you know you want people that there that are having a good

time yeah sure for the most part right i mean like if i was like here's the cool thing you're gonna bomb but but like over and over you want to do it and we're gonna but we're gonna tape it also yeah and that's how the world will know you yeah it's like i don't know i'd like to have a good time sure or at least little moments that aren't as yes and but overall yeah but that show i was like

I felt like I was tap dancing for retards. That's what I wanted to call the special because you're up there and you're like trying. They just weren't into me. Because I think like, so there's a couple of types of shows that are the most fun. I think obviously like a super hot crowd where you just murder. That's fun. Everyone like has, you know, no one like turns that down. Sure. But the other type of show that's kind of fun is when you go out there and you get some resistance. Yeah.

But they don't like they don't go I'm out. They just and you get to like lean in to what you're doing more. And by you leaning in, they kind of break like and you kind of like win them over. Those are also very fun types of shows to do.

Yeah, I like that show better. I like that better. You're getting them to laugh at shit they clearly don't want to laugh at. Because here's the thing, you have to be a little more in the moment for that. Sure. You're more aware. The last show I did was so killer like that where I go, this is boring. Yeah, yeah. But the night before I was like, man, I'm really struggling. So it's like...

That's fun. Yeah. We saw when Louis came back and there was all this hatred and ideas around him. Like, I want my money back. If he's not there, I'm going to feel safe. Like he's going to run off the stage and just fucking nosedive a dick into you. So there's this lady we see on security camera like this, like so mad. Her husband and boyfriend's into it. And then like five minutes in, you remember this? Five minutes in, she goes... And then like six minutes in, she's like...

And they're trying to be mad. And by the end, she's just like, oh, this guy's actually, this guy rules. And she's just dying laughing. Yeah. People want to be outraged. It'll be fun. I was just thinking for promo to get like a group, like,

individual people in like a montage talking about how much they want you canceled or hate you. That would be fun. That'd be a very fun promo. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you do like some type of screening. Do like a, like, hey, we're doing a screening. Yeah, like in an old age home. Sure. I feel like an old age home wouldn't even be that bad. It wouldn't be that bad. The cool thing would be if you screen it somewhere, but you offer, don't just say free screening, like you also, like you get like

food and drink and like some type of people love free shit you get this some type of gift and then people are like okay and they watch and then you just get to go like what do you think what do you think and people say that shit like she deserves to be canceled that would be fun so funny that was really funny and that lady did stay the whole show she stayed the whole show and then hung out afterwards for like 30 minutes she was out there

I think someone said they were like, they really didn't like her or they really hated her. Yeah. I had a fun one. I did my Australia tour on the last tour and on each, we toured most of the country. Yeah. There's a opening bit that I did that like sometimes you would just hear like, what's going on? And then yelling.

And they're yelling about and walking out, you know, yelling as they walk out because of how offended they were. And it made its way back to friends. I mean, I was sure they're texting me.

Like, dude, what's going on? But don't people know your comedy? I'm not really known. So I understand people coming and being like, oh, this is... They think they're coming to support a woman. And then they're upset. I thought this was going to be a woman. This is not the type of woman. This is not what we thought. But I would think your fans know you. I think what happens is when you get into certain size rooms too, like when the room is big,

You get a bunch of people who are like you say, and then you just get people going, especially if you're overseas, they go, oh, there's like a touring comedy. I've heard this is good. And they just, good is what they think. They take a chance. Dice said he still gets people walking out on him. And it's like they haven't done the research on him. And I've said this about him a million times. His Instagram is the funniest thing. I enjoy that so much. That he's just like, people are just...

sitting there he's like big shot with your shirt off and they're like what and they just look and they're like what he's like you get in the tan and they're like what he's like your shirt's off you get in the tan and they're like i don't know man i guess what it's so fucking great you want you're the one who wants the picture shot old school getting the tan this guy right right old school like brooklyn getting the tan i'm sorry i'm down here

The tan. You're getting a tan. The sun. The hand? What? He has so much clothes on. Sun tan. There's a hat. Yeah. Old school, like, you know, like we used to do in Brooklyn. You know what I mean? Did Smash Mouth comment on this? I'll be here. Yeah. I'll be here.

This shit, dude. I can watch him do this shit. He's just fucking with people's day. And they don't get out of the point because there is none. There's nothing funnier to me than somebody going like, do you want an autograph? I don't even know who you are. Were you the one? You want the picture with me? And he's like, I don't know. They're just talking to somebody. So funny, dude. You want to weigh in with the James Addiction thing? The video thing?

Was it real? You don't know. Did you see it with the Jameson? Of course, the Hall & Oates thing is old, but they don't even talk about them. Goodbye, beautiful.

There's also something so fucking amazing about how New Yorkers handle a crazy person. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore is like... It's built into you guys. Yeah. You know? Because you've just... Your whole... You don't even realize how many people have done this to you because you're just so used to it. Whereas when you do it... If you did it here, someone would be like...

They would live with this story. This fucking person came up to me today. Oh, yeah. You ignore everyone. But you guys have just it all the time. I had somebody at the store. I was going back after living in New York for five years at the patio. And some black guy goes, he asked me for a dime. I was like, no, man, no. A dime? Yeah, he got a dime. Meaning, like, do you have any money? No. And I was like, no. And he's like, really? And I'm like, come on, man. And he goes, can't you just give me the time? And I was like, oh, I thought you wanted money. And he was just like,

Yeah, I'm not that. What? I'm not that kind of black guy. Yeah. I'm just some dude who wants to know what time it is. I just don't know if I'm late right now, you fucking Jew. Jesus. It's weird to ask for a dime, though. No one says that. Well, he said, do you have the time? I had a homeless person ask me for $50. $50? And I was like, that's crazy. That's a big ass. And he was like, how about five? And I was like, still no. No. I love their plans. They're like, I'm going to change the game. Starting hot, though. It got my attention, though. Yeah. $50? Hey, man, you got $50? Yeah.

It's a wild ask. Yeah. What do you need it for? I mean, I do. I do. I have a 50. It'd be perfect. It's exactly what you need.

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Oh, wait. I should play our opening clip. Sorry. Let me see if you want. You guys might want to put your headphones on for these. Can you put cans on? Do you mind? Cans? Whoa. Industry term. Right? It's a big industry term. Yeah. You're in show business. I get it. I ended up having a little too much kefir. Sometimes I get addicted to it. So let's go to the other end. Bye-bye.

Let's see. Let's have a look. What? Yeah. It's actually not too bad. I got more for him. Just one second. I'm going to give you some more. What's the patch? What? Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house.

Do you recognize him? No. Why does he have a patch that he's not using? Is that for later? That eye looks a little infected. So... Hold on. How long does this theme song go on for? Like two minutes. Oh, okay. It's just a guitar solo? Yeah. I can't believe how many people don't know this. It's fucking upsetting.

This is incredibly long. This shouldn't be this long. Exactly. Why are you doing it this long? It's over so long ago. There's nothing even added. You're just doing new of the same. It's a repeat of it, yeah. It's infuriating. That's exactly why we did it. It's done. It was done right away. Yeah, I know. And I mean, this is like a mislead to begin with. You think you're in a sketch and you're just part of the opening? Yeah, pretty cool. No, that's awful. Why was that allowed? Head should roll. There's a... Ugh, it's unsettling. It's easy.

No, I- Okay, this is an acapella version. Too long! Yeah, it's long. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

We haven't even talked about your face, first of all, which is the craziest thing in the world. What's going on? Why are you two-faced? What is this? It was for the elections. I want togetherness. For the elections? Yeah, I want people being separated. So I think half the country was just put at the Mississippi. Who were you voting for? What? Who were you voting for? Overthrow 2024. Fuck yeah. Anarchy. Yeah. It's totally Ari style. Yeah, I went to Cuba for the election.

really yeah yeah bobby kelly have you been to havana no have you i've been to gitmo oh so like yeah i got info give this haji the business yeah he's because your torture chambers i probably could have they were so stoked when i was there they were like did you really go there you are so i went to do shows yeah

But they were just, I'm sure if I were like, can I hit one? They'd be like, yeah. Of course. That's the thing to do here. It's like, it's so cool that you're here. The Australian shoeys. You want to kick somebody? I mean, that's the reason to go. Awesome.

At minimum, they've been associated with someone terrorist. Yeah. I would like to talk to them. Yeah? I don't know where Cuba is either. I just get on a plane, right? It's not like I have to drive. Wait, do you have a zero reference for where it is? I assume it's south. How far do you think it is? Because this is interesting. From where? From here? Just, well. Describe where it is. Yeah, just describe.

I think Florida's here and then it's like around there. That's pretty good. Okay. That's pretty good. You did it. Actually, you're right. Yeah, it's about 90 miles. Oh, I didn't know it was that close. Yeah. You could swim it. We could swim it. And where's Chile? We already went over this. South America. Hey! Where did you think before we discussed where it was? Somewhere brown. Somewhere brown. It is.

But here's the thing. They have a lot of whites, the Chileans. Disgusting. Yeah. I'd be upset if I went there and there was white people. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The more prideful, arrogant nations in South America are Chile and Argentina. And it's because they have so many whites.

I think they're better. Of course. I thought Argentina, but I wouldn't think Chile. I thought Chile was like Mexico. No, Chile... Well, see, Chile had a really big economic boom like 20, 25 years ago. And so they have like... Their downtown is like... It looks like a very cosmopolitan in Santiago. Downtown Chile? Santiago, yeah. Do they have like a podcast boom there? I don't know if they have a podcast boom, but...

They have money. And they had a real money swing, even though it's not as good now. Where'd they get money from? Maybe I will go there. From that huge... Oil? I forget what the source is. Damn, it looks nice. Yeah, it's very nice. Wow. You've been? I've been, yeah. I would like to go there. Latin American tour yet? I did a show there. In Spanish? The way that I did it, I did the hour, and then I would close on like 20 to 30 minutes of Spanish. Interesting.

I didn't want to advertise it as such. You get more people, they said, doing what they're like. If they know you, they know you as an English speaking. Yeah. So. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. So they'd be like, wait, what? Why is he coming to do that? Anyway, it was great. Now, this guy I wanted to show you. OK. That reminds me a lot of you. In this episode of What Does the Wild Naked Man Drink? I'm going to fill this beautiful. Great. I love it. With my smart big opening. That's something I'll get a lot of people. Small. Yeah.

Especially after some amazing working out or going for a run or pumping some iron. The mic technique is great. It's a form of biofeedback and it's a form of self-love. When I drink my own piss, I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance. Come on, don't drink it. You don't want to feel better? You've got to run it through a Brita first or something.

I don't know, man. No, it's organic. He drinks this all the time. So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years. That's a lot of piss. Yeah. Everything that's bad for us...

like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells right into your body. It's so calm. It's made to seem good and everything that's good for us, like drinking your piss, is made to seem bad. We live in an inverted clown world. Pause for a second. I don't believe it's piss. He didn't show us. He didn't show us. He didn't show us. And there's a lot coming out. Yeah. There's no... He didn't seem like it's too hot or warm. But also, like, anything that's bad for us... And he said, what? Like...

Shooting us up with aborted baby fetus. Yeah as if that's just a casual thing everyone does everyone does that? I hope they run trades What what three different dicks

They are different. Yeah. They all look the same to me. God, I hope an alligator runs out of there and just eats one off. If you love your penis, your self-esteem goes up. See that? You love your penis. I do. I feel like you've got some. You have a good self-esteem. And then, how about we go first? Please don't touch dicks. Oh, I hope they do. Adrian's going to get her wish pretty soon. Oh, I mean. Because in Chinese medicine, the dick is the outermost extension of your heart.

Oh, come on. Wait, how come the other guy's not in there? He's rubbing it back and forth in their leg. I think the most upsetting part of this would be like if we were doing this. We're never going to do this. If the head of your dick was on my thigh, I'd be like, God damn it. I know it's there. I can't ignore it. You wouldn't do that. No way. No way, says the guy that took a shit on stage. A shit on stage. Okay, let's do it. You're right.

Let's go, Tom. No, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Let's go. Why did you shit on stage? What? I feel like this is such a- Because what else can he do? Yeah, exactly. There's like- I had to shit. Next year, you're going to have to- You had to shit? I had to take a shit. I was on antibiotics. And how many people are in the room while you shit? 100, 120, 150. Was it a healthy shit?

It looked like elephant round. Like it was huge. It was huge? A lot of people were saying it was extremely bloody, but I say less bloody than normal. I say a moderate level of blood. Wiping? No wiping? What? No wiping? I wiped and threw it into the audience. That wasn't the plan. But once I had wiped and I had a wipe, I was like, oh, now. It's like when there's a gun in a scene, you know? You can't take the gun out. You always notice as you go. What is wrong with him?

His shits are really, he showed me a picture once that looks like strawberry chocolate cake or something. I've seen a lot of gummy bears. Spicy gummy bears. You've seen the hemorrhoid? I don't think I've seen your hemorrhoid. It's not out right now.

Thank God. You've never seen a video of it? I don't think so. Can you find it? Of course they can find it. I mean, he showed me his ass tampons. And I'd have to be like, don't put that on me. Don't put that on me. A normal thing to say to a friend. Sure. Don't put your ass tampon on. I would have eventually. We're friends enough where it's like, you would have got it. Would you go to one of his clinics? This part would be hard. Yeah.

Would you? That'd be tough. But their dick's already went home. Oh, no. Oh, is he? No, how is this part of self-love? This is just gay. This whole thing. No. Oh, fuck, yeah. There's a movie, like, oh, no, there's a movie where the guy's, like, sucking his own dick in the beginning. That's not that good. Just, just in a cup and drink it. What is this guy's deal? Well, here, listen.

He says something important here. Oh, he's been at it like my dog gets a treat. I'm just enjoying the taste of it. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. There you go. Is this Lena Dunham? When you get all of it out, you don't want to waste any of it. I mean, he's a Jew, too. If he really loved himself, he would suck his own dick, though. Yeah. He's trying. He's definitely trying. He's doing everything he can do. But he's not. He's not. If he really loved himself. If I met him, that's what I would tell him.

That you... What? If you really loved yourself, you'd suck your own dick. Get some of your ribs taken out. Yeah. These guys come to you? No. He came here. He came in the studio. Was he naked? He tried to. And we were like, no. So he did it in his underwear. What do you mean? Jizz in his underwear? No, he didn't jizz. He just did the show. Oh, he did the show in his underwear. Yeah. But he was like, can I be naked? And we were like, I don't think so. I'd rather not. There's nice ladies that work here. They...

I'm surprised your staff hasn't seen something. I'm surprised I haven't stepped over the line yet here. You? Yeah. Let's keep it like that. Yeah, I'm trying, but no, no, no. You don't get to shake your head no. It's just for the girls. Yeah.

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The fact that you don't have a jar of his cum is a shortcoming on your part. You know, the first thing we saw before even, I don't know if we saw a piss first, it was like he would do this kind of stuff, you know, like. So I just went for a run, did some workouts, some pushups. I'm just pulling back my foreskin and I'm just waving my hummus cannon around, that shroom I'm sniffing.

There's a very subtle pheromonal primal secretion of apocrine pheromones underneath the foreskin and from the sides of the glands and the, what's it called, the scrotal sac.

And it's really interesting because in ancient Sparta, the men were constantly working out with their foreskins forward. I think he's making this stuff up. He sounds scientific, though. In this one right here, he was citing such specifics. We would play it and kind of...

enjoy it and then when we were in here with him i was like this thing like so cute and funny and kind of annoying that so many modern men's work leaders base their branding off of like spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or you know we're the we're the samurai brotherhood you know

They never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks. That is crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. So this was like the How We Discovered Them. These modern men are doing this. These videos, we were like, this is hilarious. Does he still, does he go home for Thanksgiving?

He does. So when he was, he's very sincere. He's a very sincere guy. Like when, when he's, when he's out here, he's, you could tell that like, he really means this stuff. And, and I was like, you know, I think he's used to the reaction that we all have to it. And he just goes on. I mean, he's, he, when really they could be leeching good high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping. Yeah.

Which is exactly what the Spartans did. You know, if you claim to be like a Spartan samurai brotherhood, it's like the samurai were sniffing each other's balls. What? I've never heard of that. Yeah, but you'd never hear this stuff. I saw the entire run of the show Shogun and that never came up. No, you missed it. You didn't. It was episode three. Oh, really? Yeah. There's a lot of that in there. Does this guy have like a job?

I think he has an OnlyFans. I would love for this guy to be in the workplace. I know. Yeah, I got to go to the bathroom real quick and make a video. And I think because he's in Canada, you know, when like the person goes, I don't feel comfortable with this as my coworker in Canada, they'd be like, you know what? You're fired for complaining about him. Right. They're never going to. We need to normalize jizzing in our own faces. Why are you being such a fucking...

So backwards. So sensitive about it, man. I'd never want that guy to drink out of any of my cups. Oh, no. Shh. I'd be like, please don't touch any of my stuff. What did you have your mouth on? Don't use my spoon. Okay.

Wait, you're New Yorker through and through, right? Where did you grow up in New York? In the Bronx. In the Bronx. And did you start just like going to mics like people do in the city? Or how did you start? My mom was doing stand-up. What? Yeah. Really? She did stand-up on and off throughout my life. And then she took me to an open mic. No shit. The hell were you?

26. Okay. Oh, I pictured you as like when Homer took his kid to the bar. Does your mom still do stand-up? Yes. Really? Yeah, she was on Fallon. What? They had like Nana Week or something, so she got in as like a grandmom. Did she stand up? What? Yeah. I've never been on Fallon. Yeah. Recently? During the pandemic. Yeah, it's not that long ago. Yeah, a couple years ago. What did your mom go by?

What do you mean, what did she go by? What's her name? Name. Ugh. Mama. Ugh. Debbie Baza. Debbie Baza? Do you not want to say it? Do you not want to talk about it? No, I mean, we already just did. I don't care. What? But that's, so like, do you get to have, you know, the best part of this shit is like comic conversations, right? Sure. But my mom will be jealous like a comic. I remember I got something one time. She was like, how did you get that? Ha ha ha ha.

Your own mom? My own mom, yeah. Hilarious. So what did you think of your special coming out? Good for you. No, she was happy for me. That's good. She was happy for me. Yeah.

Did she ever give you advice on how to write a joke? No. I'm assuming you have very different styles. We do, but you know what's funny? My mom is actually pretty dirty. I'm not really dirty. I'm more dark, but my mom is kind of dirty. She'll do a lot of the urban rooms, and she's a dirtier comic. No shit. Yeah. That's unbelievable. Yeah. And so she's been at it for a long time. Yeah, but she takes breaks. Yeah. You know. Like year-long breaks. And how long have you been at it now? 20 years. 20 years. 20 years.

Fucking A. Long time, yeah. She's like, he goes Holtzman. Yeah. Without the anger, but it could go great or terrible. If the crowd decides no, it's just gonna be no. Yeah, but I mean, I'm not saying like. Yeah, but when they're into it though, it's like. Sure, I seen him at Skank Fest. Holtzman? Yeah. He was saying something to me about Josh Adam Myers. Yeah. And he was like, I didn't know he sings. And I was like.

Stop your bullshit. I know you're fucking with me. Really? Yeah. He was? Yes. He was like, oh, I never knew he did that. Did you know that he does the singing thing? That was like he was doing a bit on you? Kind of. I think I was like, Brian, stop. Stop.

He started laughing. He's like, I didn't know he did that. That guy's voice is fucking unbelievable, though. Josh? Yeah, the first time I was in a room and they were like, he's going to sing. I was like, he's going to sing. And then he started singing and I was like, holy shit. He goes on and so hard. He does have a good voice. Yeah. He commits to. Did you always do dark? Kind of. Really? Yeah. Early on? Kind of.

Did you, how, because I mean 20, the thing is 20, you can't fake or pretend 20 years have gone by. Like it just has to. Sure. So like when you know an audience, for instance, is not on board now, it's something you're familiar with, right? Like you go like, oh, this feels familiar. But like when you're coming up and you're not yet like, you know, know what you're dealing with. Was it like shell shock?

No, I knew pretty early on I was not for everyone. I mean, I keep getting booked at charity shows and I'm like, hey, I don't think I'm going to be right for this.

And I keep getting taken off stage at the charity show. You get removed a lot? Two charity shows that I've done, and I'm like, hey, I don't think I'm right for this. Like, I tell them ahead of time. And then they're like, no. And then I get stopped in the middle of my set and taken off stage. How does this happen? Just having a good time. The first time I was upset by it. Yeah. And then the second time I was just like, this is not the first time I've gotten kicked off stage. That's very funny. Yeah.

What was the one for the benefit for the rich people? Oh, my God. So I did this charity in Roe 8 in Connecticut, which is just like rich people. And it was a charity for helping poor kids or something. Yeah. You know, they do that. Yeah. Tal's available online right now. But they were they were like a very fun crowd. The girl before me did a joke. I go on stage. I'm like killing. And I did a joke about like rich people having sex with kids on boats.

and I lost half the crowd. And then I got taken off stage. Did somebody actually walk up? So somebody, the guy that introduced us all, came on stage. He was like, all right, you got to get off stage. I was like, all right. So I got off stage. You're not going to fight for this. I'm not going to fight. I'll never fight. I'm like, I don't care. So I get taken off stage, and I'm like, I don't know what happened because I was killing. And I understand if I'm bombing the whole time. I'm like, yeah. So I was like, I don't know what happened. So this lady comes up to me, and she was like, you probably don't know this, but there's a pretty famous profile.

In the community who was like abusing kids. And I was like, why would I know that? On boats. Yes. And so I Googled him. It was like someone that worked at CNN or something. There's a picture of him in front of his yacht. So they're like, you must be talking about Bob. So his wife was there. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And she like gave the look to this guy and then they took me off stage. I had a show once that actually did. It wasn't like they did do a charity donation in it, but.

I made a joke about, I'm trying to phrase it the right way. Yeah, you gotta rethink how to say it. Yeah, I'm trying to. It's a different audience. Yeah, about how

When it's some sexual things can happen to you that you'll get over. That was the premise of it. Sure. Like it's bad, but essentially what I said, I was like, it's not that bad. Like you'll get over it. And this woman stood up and she goes, no. And I was like, what? And she goes, leave. Leave. Leave. And I go, no.

Can I make a guess? White lady? Yes. Okay, go ahead. See, she walks towards the stage, and I was like, no. And then she just makes a, she's walking forward, and then she makes a right, and she kicks open the exit door, which is over here. Kicks it. Double doors. Boom! And I was like, all right. And I went back. Everybody's uneasy. This is like a 300-person room. So I get off stage, and I was like,

And I walked backstage and someone grabs me and they're like, look, man, that was really funny. She's backstage right now. She knew she'd be waiting. And I was like, she's backstage. Why would you let her backstage? She is the friend of one of the other comics' wives, his wife.

and they're just trying to consult her to try to tell her how this stuff worked like how comedy i'm like what if you go back there it's going to be a fight he's like if you go back there this is going to be i go i go that's it's fine i'll i'm fine i just go i'm leaving so i just went out the other door and i just went to the store and i ran the exact same set that i just on there

Fine. Great. It was great. Yeah, it was great. It's crazy how one person can turn a courtroom. And then people emailed me. Well, it's funny that that show was like, the young people were like, we liked you. We didn't think you should be taken off stage. They were mad. So the next comic goes on. It's like, the whole show is stopped now. Yeah. There's like a 20-minute stop. How about don't have your husband fuck kids? I know. That seems like the bigger issue. They should be more mad at him. Right. Only a little bit. Should be. Yes.

That's fucking crazy. It was. Yeah. And then my friend goes on after. He's like, I want to address what happened. And I'm like, oh. And then half the people are clapping for me because he's like, she's still in the room. It was so weird. It never stops. No. It never stops. Did you ever have like a traumatic one? Like where you were shell shocked by it? Not really shell shocked. Sometimes. I mean, like I remember.

just early on not like you know if you do like a few shows and they go like fairly well then you're like i think this is like as bad as it can go right like you're just like and then oh man doing i did one of those like cat club shows like on sunset you know there's like 50 people in this room i don't remember the joke that's just people going like like you're like oh

- Or like, oh good one, like those things where you're like, damn. And it's like, I feel, I can remember just feeling stunned just being like, I didn't know people do that. It's like the first time that happens. I mean this is like year one, year two. - Sure, yeah. - But you're still like, I didn't know people actually do, like I would never do that. - Isn't that more of a New York thing? Where there are people who come to fuck up shows?

I remember going up to like somewhere in Harlem. They had like an urban show and they let new comics go up. And then if they don't like you, I think there was like a gong or something. And it was like, there's all picnic. It was so weird. They had all inside furniture, like outside furniture inside, like plastic chairs and picnic chairs.

tabletops i remember i was dating a guy at the time and he him and the other guy came with both they were like you got to get off stage and i did it and i i didn't i did okay i didn't like get that but i was like that's weird it's weird to just be in that situation where they're like nope next nope yeah urban rooms are for black comics and super bad white comics that's very funny

Because like, if you develop your act there as a white guy, you're just developing all these like weird instincts that like are not going to apply to most of the rooms you're going to end up doing basically. Yeah. There's almost no club where you're like, DJ, play that. The sound guy, you mean? Not a DJ. Like the black club move of like.

Hey, man, when I get up, play this bullshit, all right? And then they get up and they're like, hey, man, what kind of shit was that? You're like, you asked him to play that. That's your joke? Cut that shit off, man. Ain't nobody trying to listen to fucking Justin Bieber. You're like, okay. One time I did a show and a guy was pretending he was in a coffin on stage. And then they played the music and he's like, this is what it would be like when you get to heaven. And then he plays the music, he gets out of the coffin, he's dancing. And then I think I went up right after him. Okay.

Killer set? No, no. I ate it hard. I went up last. I'm kind of like dry deadpan a bit. It was a black room. There's every TV on. Yeah, yeah. It was someone's birthday. They had a cake everyone's eating. And I just bought. And I waited for like three hours. Of course. Yeah.

We used to do these L.A. shows that were like ambush shows. Like you didn't realize. They're like, hey, you want to get up tonight? Go to like fucking, you know, Manelli's, whatever. And you're like, okay. And it's an Italian restaurant. And then you realize, oh, people are just there having dinner. Yeah, they don't know the show's happening. They didn't go to a show. And then they're like, it's stand-up time. And you're like...

And they're like, shut up. Dude, you can't do this to people. Yeah, they're right. It's the only thing the audience is right. They're 100% right. Like, hey, man, I'm on a date. Yeah. Right. And also, it's not just like some set up punchlines. It's like really horrible things. Really horrible. Yeah. If you're not in the mood for it. And they're like, you know what? I'm going to have the tortellini to go. This has been enough for me. Thank you.

One of the first times I got on stage naked was at the UCB. Only you can say that. Brody was on stage and Brody was like a deathly, I think even malignant. So he was like, hey, don't do that shit around me, which is just like, listen, I've grown, but at the time it was like, I'm definitely doing it to you. And so I took a tear away pants and then I just went up on stage with Brody. But Brody's also addicted to

spotlight yeah so he wanted to be out of there from homophobia but also he needed to be on stage so we're like kind of wrestling for space we like walk you walked and like turned and like is that you know I mean like I feel like you I saw this thing where you walked out and then just turned and then walked back I don't know I don't know if that's the one I do that sometimes you've done it so many times what are we talking about sorry but this is up there and then and then afterwards Kindler goes up

I mean, they don't get dicks out at the U.C. at the shows. No. But Kendall just goes, cancel my order of portobello mushrooms. That's great. That's fucking great. What is this? Hold on. I have something. Okay. That's cool. Whoa. Somebody rammed him. Yeah. He got up. That guy didn't.

He's like, let's go. Forget the bike. Is this the first time you've been run over at a bike during a getaway? Act like you've been there before. Take your helmet off. There it is. They did a good job. Lose the helmet. Dude, they run like not athletic people. That was rad. I think this might be in Chile. What was, what was? Do we know the context on that? Do we know where that is? Is that in Latin America?

Sure felt like a Latin America move. He didn't want to get rid of that helmet. He knew he was going to have to buy another one. It says Maryland. Yo, Maryland. I thought that was the Middle East. I wasn't part of Maryland, sure. I don't know. Maryland can be pretty rough. It can, depending on where. Yeah, it depends where. Parts of Balmore. Fuck. Yeah. Where Sickler's from is like, I was never allowed to go there. Really? Yeah. If there was like a party there, no. No. And that was his upbringing. Yeah. In the city or the county? In the city.

Yeah, his little area where he was. It was for trash. There's no reason. We have a 7-Eleven here. There's literally no reason to go there. I think there's another one. Here's another one. That's Marilyn.

She's taking her plate. What? That was smart, actually. She was already taking it off. Look at the smoke coming off of the... She definitely hit something. The airbags are out. That's amazing.

I feel like it's such a chick move to. To take your license plate off? No, to react the way. I didn't do nothing. I didn't do any fucking thing. And like all frantic. And it's like, it's not even like a borderline lie. Your car is caved in. Yeah. You hit something very hard. That accent. It's that specific accent. Let me hear it again. It's like a certain kind of white trash. I got all that already, baby. Leave me alone. I didn't do nothing. You hit my car. I didn't hit your car. You hit my car. No, I did not. Don't play.

Her mouth's crooked. She has hard nips, too. Oh, she's worked up over this guy. I know. She should just offer to fuck him. It's a stimulating experience, for sure. Maybe that's how she gets off. She has to hit someone's car. Do you like that mid-Atlantic accent? Oh. Oh, no. It's on. That shit. I like for a second, but then if I'm talking to them, I'm like, oh, I don't want to be in this conversation. It's a sign of you shouldn't be this close to someone. Yeah. Yeah.

uh oh say can you see it was your orioles games by the dawns are we white that's not it sounds like it just went to baby that's that's a mid-atlantic dude yeah one it's delmarva oh sure going on the shore no effects is like you can hear it oh ah

She's getting up. I thought she might be dead. She's not. She might still be, though. That's a big fall, man. Where did she come from? From a balcony.

Like that's under a building. Man, she must be rich. I mean, who goes, she didn't even try, is she laughing? I don't think so. I think she's like, what the fuck? Wait. Look how hard she falls, dude. She falls hard, the bounce. Oh! Yeah, that's a big fall. Wow, she bounced. She dented the ground pretty hard, man.

Fix your divot. That's what I said. It's rude not to. Hopefully she has a divot repair tool. No, not a train. Oh!

It's not the electrician that kills you. It's the fall. Is it a head fall? Wow. Was he fixing something or trying to kill himself? I don't. That's a very good question. Yeah, that's a good question. And that might be the name of this segment from now on. Fixing or killing yourself. Are you fixing something or trying to kill yourself? Are you trying to fix this? Or do you want to die? I don't know what you're fixing. Look at all the people on the train, too. Just like none the wiser. What is this asshole doing? He climbed onto the train station at the, what is this?

Liberty one station. I don't know where that is and grabbed a current collector through a rag. Oh, it's in Russia Oh, he thought he was holding at the rag. That'll stop he survived He went two days unconscious in intensive care. The current went through his heart. He eventually came to broken neck burns and bruises Yeah, broken neck from the fall. Yeah. Oh What was he doing?

I mean, he was, I think, trying to fix something. He was trying to fix something or kill himself. I mean, he had the rag. So it's like if you're fucking... You wouldn't have the rag if you were trying to kill yourself. That's what I think. You would lick your hands and do it. He's like, I got it. You know, they were like, hey, the train's not moving. He's like, please. Wait, but did he work there? He's probably just late for work. He's just a fucking arrogant guy who's like, the train's not working. He's like, I'll fix this. Putin's grandson. Step back. Everyone knows how to fix trains. Putin's grandson's not working. He's not working, but he's like...

I've seen her. I've seen her. I've seen her. What is happening? She's mad. She's on film. Yeah. Oh, you don't want to let her get a hold of you. This is like when Bert's coming at you. You got to gas him. You got to gas him. And then this...

Ooh. Damn. Homeless guy. That guy just saved that other person. He did. And he did it like in a moment. It was like an angel. He saw her coming and he goes, not today. This is like when orcas defend seals against killer whales or whatever. Or against sharks. That is so true. Yeah. He just was like, nah, you don't need to be around her. Those tits were something, huh? I do wonder where she lost the bra. Like at some point she probably had a bra.

I mean, she probably stopped wearing it a long time ago. What, she didn't have back pain like everybody? No, it's just like she just... She's just homeless for a long time. It's this turn of like... I mean, look at those tits. She also lost the sleeves of that shirt. Yeah. The bra has not been in her vocabulary in a long time.

I'm with them. She's like, I'll fuck you up. Look at this guy. He's so happy. He's so happy to do this. He's like, she turned. She didn't see me. And he's running just in case she didn't fall. He's so stoked. That's so great. He's been waiting for that moment. This bitch eats all my food. It's so amazing. Not today. Oh, Jesus. No, no. You're clearly going too fast. No! Why turn into the... Oh, that's death. That person is...

Gone, baby, gone. How concerned is the driver, though? Hey. Why wouldn't he try in reverse? Back up. He's like, what do I do? Back it up. Back it up. Here's the thing. He backs up, and this guy just springs right up. No. It's fucking crazy. No, he's dead. He does. No. Watch, he jumps right up. Shut up.

Oh, no. Dude, there's a full death. You can't show full death on your podcast. Yes, you can. Honor their life. What? Honor their life. Fail blocks are only funny. You can't show full death. Honor his life. Wow. And they also were like, damn, he's going to hit that pull. And then a slight turn and just crunch. But they also didn't move.

It's kind of his fault. And they see it coming. Yeah, it's kind of his fault. They definitely hear it coming. Big-ass truck like that. The other guy got away. Shut up. You're like, he'll pop up. Fuck off. Fuck you, dude. I didn't think he was going to pop up. I was like, I think this one's gone. That was good. You like that. I didn't know the legs were going to do that. Does that happen when you break your back? No.

That's a good noise, right? Put that on loop in the fucking opening tomorrow. That is pretty good. That's pretty fun. We've got another one for you. Oh, it's up there. No, no, no, no. Dude, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get out of there. He pops up, though. I mean, what are you going to do? Pick it up? No. Oh, he's out. He's okay. Wow. Told you. He got lucky. It's all right, Eni.

What is your life, bro? Any. So you just live in this? This is pretty great. It reminds me. Thank you, Adrian. Who cares about anything else? There was a Google job where you had to check what should go on the dark web, what should go on the real web. Yeah. And these guys always do about a month and then seek therapy for the rest of their lives. Really? That's you. This isn't that bad, though. You've commodified this. This isn't that bad. No, the other one, though.

Oh, I guess it's you guys, too. Yeah, you guys have to show what's funny enough as death. Go, yeah, this was horrific, but I don't see an arc. You didn't see that guy's face, though. No. Wow! Good camera work. Isn't that cool? Flying with the... And look, he's okay. He's all right. Everybody's okay on this show. Everybody's okay. Jesus Christ. All right, one more. Okay. Oh, this guy's...

This guy rules. He's gonna land it. Oh, motherfucker. Yeah, that's what he knows. I think he knows he's coming in hot. He's gotta hit water. You okay? What a great question. He keeps asking me, get in! Help him! Get wet! Why should he get wet? I think he crashed that fucking hard.

Yeah, I think he probably broke limbs and maybe collapsed a lung. It just wasn't open and he was like, I'm coming to the game. But that's clearly this guy's fault. The other guy was just standing there and got killed. Totally. This guy really deserves this. Yeah. But also, the other guy just keeps saying, are you okay? You okay? Get him out. No. You all right? He fell. What other noise do I got to make to let you know I'm not okay?

- Maybe moving him will make it worse. - Oh yeah, maybe let him drown there. - That is true. - Yeah, it's like I don't wanna get wet. - Maybe the other guys like that scene in Breaking Bad where he just lets that chick drown in her vomit. Maybe the other guy's like, I'll be number one if I just let you in there. - That's right. - Let me ask you about the, oh sorry, we got something for you. 'Cause Adrian asked. - What did I ask for? - That's Ari.

Just watch. So I just finished taking what I thought was a dump. What the fuck is that? It's hemorrhoids. It looks like the mushrooms that sprout after you leave dog shit in the ground. That's what you're living with? Yeah. Not all the time. Do you ever have them drained or operated on? I have the rubber bands around them that kill them off. Nug loaf. It didn't take.

That's your friend. That's your friend. Red Red used to go to Apple stores and load that up on all their computers and then walk away. That's funny. Did he really? Yeah. Holy shit. Look at less fat Joe DeRosa. How does your shit even make it out? How does it pass that? Is Joe fat now? What? Is Joe fat? No, he's just worn down. Oh. Yeah, I guess he's not much fatter than that.

I don't know how to mix it out. Kind of like a maze. You kind of got to go through and out. It's kind of like a Play-Doh factory. It runs out in certain shapes, so it's shaped like that. But you could stop getting them if you stopped eating all the spicy food, right? Maybe. Right. You used to get leakage, too. You ever get leakage? I mean, I've had leaky days.

It's just like oil coming out of there. Do you make your own tampons? No. Oh, buddy. It's so crafty. I'm okay. You got to get into crafts. Make your own tampons. I bet that dude who drinks his own cum, that's a guy who's going to make his own tampons. He probably would. How do kids react when they see your face? They love it. They love it. Your son.

would love it yeah i'm sure yeah he's of the age though he'd be like that guy's face yeah i saw a lot of this like staring and then getting their mom without looking at them and just like you know just pulling the shirt like and how do homeless black guys react yo that's fresh son yeah that's that's it yeah they they're so into it they like it they probably think you're gonna be homeless soon this is like the start of it we're still out we're still easily happy

Of all the comics, if someone was like, oh, they're homeless now, who would you be least surprised by? Would you be like, no way. But I mean, I could not see it. No way. Howie Mandel. If he was homeless. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You're a germaphobe. Yeah. So many germs there. But if somebody said, oh, he's homeless, I'd be like, where? What country? Right. Yeah. He lost all his money on drugs. Yeah. He's living in Vietnam. I'm like, yeah, that checks out.

I think you would enjoy that. I might. Do you have any big world travel plans? Yeah, I got to go to Chile. Yeah, I got to go travel around there for a while. I thought you were going to Peru. Yeah, Peru too. You're going? Go all through South America. Soon? Yeah. How long are you going to be, you always go for like, oh, I'm not long, just three months. Yeah, something like that. Six, eight. No, it's like a year. Six or eight months you're going to do it?

He's putting out a special and then he's going away for a year. He does this. I think it's so insane. I know. Crazy special. It's going to come out in January. Yeah, but it's like... The one that we were just talking about? Yeah. That'll come out in January? Yeah. And I'll probably leave in June. So you'll stay six months? Stay for a while, then just chase the sun down south for a while. Okay.

I got some for you when you're ready. Jesus, bro. That kind of behavior and language will not be tolerated below the border. I'll connect you to a few fucking cholos and you'll... Can I meet your real mom in Chile? Yeah, sure. Peru, whatever. Yeah, yeah. I got some connects for you. Really? Yeah, sure. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm accruing like just... I'll tell you this. Don't show up with that face.

What would they do? Not trust him, right? They would be like, yeah, I'm not helping your friend. You got to beat him, man. You made me a target. Yeah. For sure. Who's this? Oh my God, it's so hot. It's so hot.

So. Summer already, I guess. Enjoy life. Life is a celebration. There you go. Why did that need to be said? Who the fuck is that? I don't know. Is that a toupee? It looks like a toupee. It's so hot. I think he also has colored contacts in, right? He's doing a lot of things. Yeah. This is the problem with influencers. There's like no content, just talking into a camera. Some filler. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a lot. That's Bert in four years. You think so? Yeah, he's going to fully get the surgeries. I so wish he would do it. He's so red. Have you seen how red he is? He's just so rosy fucking red. Dude, we were in Vegas at Skank Fest, and it was me, him, DeRosa, Eget, and Leanne, and we're all talking about how we never get to hang. We go through a shitty casino. Everyone recognizes them, like Binions or something. He's like, oh, hey, hey, and he's complaining. He's like, uh...

You know, just for like a tiny bit of money, you have to give it a frame. Like what tiny bit? What are you talking about? Who's saying this? And Leanne's like, it's not a tiny bit. We're doing quite well.

You have to give up your anonymity, he's saying? Oh, like he's got a problem with that? Yeah, you're going to get bothered. Is it even worth it? And we're like, yeah, because you'd do it. So then we lose all our money on craps right away. We're all sitting in this section just like talking. Just five of us really hanging out. It's great. And then he goes, oh, here's four guys who don't recognize me. I see them, though, playing craps over there. I'm going to go make their day. And he just goes and spends time with them for 30 minutes. He loves it. He loves it. He also is like, nothing's better than being famous. Yeah. It's the best. Yeah.

It says it all the time, so I don't buy that shit at all. What do we got? India? Who's on the ground? Oh! Oh my God. That's a propane tank, dude.

You alright? We did the bit. You good? I mean, is this a punishment? Is this a crime punishment? Does that have to get you to talk? Dude, that's metal. It's just like you're not going to tell us where they are. Look at the little kids watching this. It's a show, though. Oh, it's a show. It's a show. But he's not alright. And... You're not going to feel anything, bro. Let us do it.

Look how happy the guy was who threw it. He just nailed that. Perfect shot. Oh my god, dude. These guys are thin, too. When I leave, are you going to say a bad word? One bad word? Yeah. But when I leave, you can say it. Trash mom. Yeah. What's he going to say? Did you say it, mom? Yeah. That's a sweet kid. She's just teaching him how to do it. Yeah. He's talking about his mom. It's adorable.

That's really cute. That's super cute. He was so happy. Yeah. What a trash mom. Whenever you see those with that kind of British accent, you're like. I didn't even know what accent that was. I hate accents. You hate accents? It's disgusting. To have any accent is disgusting? Any accent. I only like America. Yeah. I'm just kidding. America has disgusting accents too. I only like New York. That's it.

You are the real New Yorker. New York accents. Will you ever leave New York? Probably not. I hate it so much. You hate it? It's the worst place I've ever been. New York? Mm-hmm. And that's why you won't leave? Where else am I going to go? Because is it kind of like, I feel like I deserve this? No, I just feel like I've lived there my whole life. Where am I going to go? You've got to move. You've got to go somewhere. I know, but I don't know. Why don't you use the, I don't know, the special to just be like your...

You know. Move to Austin. Catalyst for doing something different. Maybe. He's trying to get me to move here. Why wouldn't you? It's too far. I don't like flying roaches that you guys have. Yeah. Me and him stayed in an Airbnb. We were here a while ago.

Yeah. There was like one bug. Not true. We come and it's a really nice place. We come home. There's a bug on the, in the bathroom this fucking big. So I go and get him. I'm like, I'll, I'm not going to stay here. He kills it. We come back the next day. There's just more of them. I'm not going to stay here because there was a bug. Okay.

Okay, one bug is a fine bug. It was a beautiful place. It was a beautiful place. The bug was this fucking big. The next day we come back, there's more of them. They're in the kitchen. He also leaves a bunch of food open, so they just have a... Wow, I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Okay, I might, yeah. And then the other people who were with me were like, yeah, I woke up at one of my bed. I go, oh, I'm going to actually just leave. And they're like, sure, you're going to leave. And I went and got myself into a hotel. It was 1 a.m. She just left. I don't care. I like it. She just takes off. I'd rather get...

One over a lifetime of bugs I would deal with. I can't deal with bugs. That's how much I hate it. I'm not saying it's good. No, it's not good. It's bad, but that's how much I hate bugs. Bugs are worse. There's no therapy for bugs. There's no therapy for bugs. There's plenty of already experts on how to handle bugs.

so you've got the support system in place so if somebody threatened you with bugs you'd be like just take me but now at this point I've already had to deal with so many bugs it feels like it wouldn't be fair yeah to add that to the bugs right unless I would never see any for the rest of my life then you'd be okay I wouldn't be okay I would just deal with it I would get through it yeah

You let, we're like, I'm joking. We were just like, we didn't see a bug in our bed. But I seen them in the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah, no. Horrible. I wouldn't sleep. I would stay up all night. He's got to be the worst house guest. I would be horrified to have you stay. You ever seen me naked? Yeah, seen me naked. You must have, right? Yeah. It's not even like sexual. No. How does it register? It's just like, it's like seeing a psych patient? It's like seeing your kid get naked. You're like, put your clothes on. Yeah. Stop it. Do you have kids? No. You ever have an abortion? No. No.

I thought I was going to have one, but I didn't. I got my period. Oh, you're like, oh, thank God. God came through. God. In the end, God handled it. A lot came through. How many have you paid for? I paid for one. Another one was just done without me. Didn't want any refund or anything. She didn't want a refund? She just told me, like, hey, three years ago I had an abortion. I was like. Insurance is pay. They cover it. A lot of them. For the woman, not for the man.

I had to pay for one and I was trying to get insurance. Like, you're not the patient. How much was it? $400. That's not bad. That's the going rate. Worth it. That's the rate? I used to work at a place that did them, so. Like a, just like a private business? Well, it was an OBGYN office and then they also did abortions. Nice. Yeah. That's got to be like the funnest part of the job. What was it like working with Ari on the special? Ari's actually very autistic and great. Yeah. Like in the special, he's like very focused and

He cares about everything nobody else cares about. Like he wanted to get as many seats in there. Like he is very autistic. That's good. Yeah. He thinks about stuff no one else is thinking about. And what about from, because sometimes I think it's easy with specials to kind of

Go like, I don't care who's directing, but yours was directed by Louis. Like, was there, I don't know. What was that experience like for you? I mean, I've worked with Louis for years. Yeah, and I also went to Europe with him. We went to the UK and stuff. I just trusted him. Like, I do think he's like amazing at what he does. Yeah.

I did trust him. And my one concern was like, I didn't really want to see the seller sign. Um, so he, we extended the stage by six inches and shut the sign off. And like, I don't really move a lot on stage. So I stood pretty close to the front. So it does feel different than some of the other specials. And the lighting is, was really beautiful. It looks so cool. It does look really cool. And everyone's like, can we get that lighting in here? So like, I do trust him. He knows what he's doing. Um,

I am really glad that like the both. I mean, this would have never happened when I were at Ari, though. So, yeah, he's been like my biggest supporter. So that's why I have, you know, I just one day I'm going to have to just defend something atrocious that he does. And I think it's coming up. It's coming up. The shooting on the stage is not it either. Like that's I don't know what it is. It'll be something I'll need you to let me open for you.

Oh, at some point, like, hey, remember when I helped you? Yeah. I'm fucked. I know. I don't know if you've heard that I'm homeless. I just got back from the States. I'm going to just be like, sure. Cambodia. Sure, you did something terrible, but sure. You can do it. Yeah, Louis was cool to work with, too, because it's like, where should we do it? Where should we do it? We thought about the mothership. Like, be easy there. And then he was like, I don't want to go there for that long. But also, like, are you really comfortable there? He goes, why don't we do it in the cellar where you're comfortable?

Yeah, I mean, that is like my home club. And that's where I'm the most comfortable. A lot of people do it in the VU, which is much larger. But I like a small... Intimate room. Yeah, low ceilings. It's the coolest room in New York. It is very cool. Especially late night. You can do jokes about drugs and ODs and anything. Any sort of felching. And they're just like, we're already here with you. Yeah. On gross. On gross. We can keep going.

I'm proud of it, though, and I think it would be nice to get an audience because I've just been touring and people are just showing up and some know what I do and some don't. I mean, I've had lots of people walk out. Yeah.

You opened for me on a full tour. Yes. For a while, on a Jew tour. And it was like always, like people didn't know you, but they were always like, hey, who was that lady? But those would be like my fans though. You know, I've also opened for Pat and Oswalt. And like some of those people would love me. And then some of them were like not happy. Yeah. But that means you're doing something interesting also. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess. I think if everybody loves you. If Pat and Louie and me can be like, I need you to like start the show off. You're doing something right. You're doing something right.

I guess. I want to see if your Jadar goes off on this. Okay. What's up? Salam alaikum, sir. What's up, boy? Do you speak Arabic? No. English? English. Nice to meet you. What's up? What's up? What's going on? Nothing. It's okay. You guys need help? Yes. What do you need help with? I need to... Why reach into the car? Drive away. He's just trying to... What happened? Huh? What happened? The car's okay?

Brother, me I'm from Dubai Arabia. What happened? I need you help me with gas problem. What happened? Me today, I put my wallet in the top. I driving, I lost my debit, my credit, my money, everything. I know from here, I'm from Dubai, Los Angeles. Dubai, Los Angeles. Look please. No, no, it's fine, it's fine. But tell me, what happened?

He immediately knows he's caught. What with that car?

I don't help anybody. No. No. Nobody. Nope. That's also because of a New York life. Maybe, but I just don't trust anyone. Somebody comes up to you, excuse me, help me. I've had that so many times, by the way. I've been at a gas pump and somebody goes, can you help me out? I fell for it once in Maryland. You did? I need help. I got it from my kid. I'm like, all right, here's $10 when I needed it. Yeah. Man. Really? Yeah.

that's really nice no it was a fool's move it was but it was but it was because it was still nice you ever have the one where the guy bumps into you and drops a bunch of food no and he goes oh yeah i just found that one and what is it you stopped to help them and they're like oh i'm so sorry drops this thing comes out food goes over and goes that was my dinner oh well boy yeah i was with somebody and i was like let's go they're like no i gotta help them like let's go it's an obvious first of all

He just happened to bump into you with a Tupperware that wasn't sealed. And it's just slices of bread. So just eat it. Eat it. Eat it, dude. Eat it. Eat the fucking straight bread off the floor. Yeah, it's all you were eating anyway. Exactly. I can get you some more bread if you want, man. Yeah. Yeah. Get you six more slices of plain bread. Yeah, I saw a schizo guy in a little sandwich shop. Yeah. And some guy was like, hey, man.

what do you want? I'll get you something. And the guy was like, oh, yeah, I want a coffee and like this sandwich. He's like, I got it. So he pays for it. And I watched the guy take the coffee and I watched him empty like 18 packs of sugar, like one by one into it. And I'm like, that's a lot of sugar, right? Like just over. And I'm like,

fucking nuts. He empties them, stirs it up and then they're like, what do you want on this sandwich? And he's like telling them, he's like, I don't want that fucking shit. He starts just like screaming, just losing his mind, like just going fucking crazy and I was like, cool. This is what you get for buying the sandwich. One time I did buy a girl, she was in a park, I was parking in New York City and New York City is so hard to find parking, she was standing in this spot that I wanted to park in. She was like, oh, I...

I just came back from the hospital. My boyfriend beat me. I'm pregnant with twins.

I went and bought her like a Sam. I mean, I spent like $18. I was like, and then somebody else asked me for money. I was like, go get it from that lady. Yeah. I already paid. I already gave her. Nope. No more. Baby form was a big one. They asked for baby form because they could trade that in for a lot of money. Yeah. Remember we saw, we were having a coffee. We saw some guy in the middle of the road, a car behind him honking. He was slowly walking. Yes. In the middle. Wouldn't move. But the car also wouldn't go around him. Wouldn't go around. And he was just like, it was like a parade. Yeah.

Just blaring the horn. And the guy was like, no, I'm standing on the ground. He was mentally unwell, though. Normal West Village. He was homeless. Yeah. I'll see their techniques. One guy in front of the cellar will lay down and cry on the street like he'd just fallen. But then if Steve or somebody's like, buddy, not today. He goes, all right. And he gets up and walks. They do that. Yeah.

I heard somebody was shutting down a Judd Apatow movie just by screaming. Maybe it was the Pete Holmes show. And they were just screaming. And they're like, stop. He's like, well, I'm allowed to scream. He just screamed. They're like, what do you need? He's like, give me $2. He could have gotten way more. So much more. $2, that's great. There was a black homeless guy and he came up to us and we didn't give him money. And he's like, you guys are all racist. And we're like, well, we're definitely not going to give you money now. Yeah. Also,

Yeah, but not from this. We also don't get afforded to white homeless. Yeah.

How about the guy with the bloody hands always wanting high fives? You just catch people coming out of the cellar and then you start to do it and then it's like, it's always a bloody hand. I've walked out of a 7-Eleven and the guy was sitting there and I was like, all right. And then he reaches up to get the money and his hand is just so gross. Yeah, so I'm like, no, no, no. Don't reach out with your thing. Just let me drop it. Yeah.

It's like Plinko. And it just kind of floats down. 7-Eleven is their headquarters. Yeah. It's where they all meet. Yeah, you don't want to be fucking 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven's disgusting. Unless you're in Tokyo. Then they're nice. The cleanest, most amazing, like you're like, this doesn't exist where we live. Like the toilet has a Toto washlet. Wow. What? There's a toilet at 7-Eleven? Like in a pristinely clean bathroom.

Unbelievable. Like every day you'd be like, you want to go take a shit at 7-Eleven? Like that. Wow. Wow, you can't do that here? No, you can't. No. Wawa in Philadelphia has black lights so people can't find their veins. That's pretty smart. Yeah. So they'll stop shooting up? Yeah. That's hilarious. How do you expense that? Like, let's just get it. Can't lose somebody else. What is this one? Oh, boy. This guy means business. It's Frank Castillo. Wow.

Oh, he's gonna work out. No, please dude. - This guy's rad. - Okay. Oh great. Okay, just nice workout. - That's nice.

Oh, so some of these videos are nice or pleasant. Yeah, that's a great video. That's the whole video? I think so. I don't know why it's here. It's a real misdirect. He has a lot of stuff in his room. He does. He's got a lot of stuff. On the floor. Yeah. One time a guy sent me a video of a dick pic and it was like that kind. He had a bunch of stuff everywhere. Like you think we're only focusing on your dick. Yeah, and you're like, this is a real... No, there's a lot of stuff on the floor. Yeah, he's mad. Can you imagine going over to that place? No. Yeah.

I stopped talking to that guy. He told me that he used to be addicted to heroin, and I was like, okay. He's like, but I'm clean now. And then he was like, but I have roommates. And I was like, I can't. The roommates was the line. Yeah, the heroin was not that bad. Do you use apps? Are you on the apps? Yes, but I'm getting off of them. Really? It's just garbage. How many are you on?

I'll be on all of them and then I'll do one at a time. And then I'll just go off of it. Are you on Raya? No, I can't get on. But now you can. Why? You're a good inviter? No, I'm saying because specials. So yeah, yeah, you can invite Raya. Somebody can, you have to, I think, get recommended by somebody on there. You have to get recommended. Be a higher level dick. Use condoms when you've got. It's going to be a much better dick. I hope so. Cleaner apartments. Yeah, I hope so.

you you've fucked some you're a good producer you should make this happen for sure i'm on ariah yeah but you can facilitate find somebody to get on there i absolutely can do it for her oh boy that wasn't even worth it yes it was it was a pleasant it was a nice change of pace fart it was it was a nice like a sound effect fart it wasn't like a good one it wasn't like a hot it wasn't a hot one but that's an unexpected one do you make a guy wear a condom when you fuck

yeah why wouldn't i i mean unless i i'm like with them for a while they're my boyfriend yeah reasonable answer oh god wafting it to you oh are you seeing someone now i think so someone's watching my dog so i think so oh that's a great way to get a guy involved i mean he offered to watch my dog i was like sure i'll save seven hundred dollars yeah who knows if we'll be talking when this comes out that's true we'll see we'll see has he's in the act

You ever have somebody who's like, I'm done with you after they act? I did talk to one guy for a bit, and then he asked me when I was on, I let him see my degenerate thing, and then we never met up. But also when I was on the phone with him, I didn't realize he lived with his mom. Like he said, Mom! I was like, dude, you're 48? 48 with his mom? Fuck. The gall to even ask anyone out. That's disgusting. You should be fucking your mom.

My mom? That guy. It's the only acceptable place if you're living with her. Have you ever had friends that are like, oh, I did stand-up, and then you find out they're doing shows with your mom? Yes. Yeah. I definitely, yeah. Is she a regular? I've had people that meet my mom, and they're like, your mom is so nice. And I'm like, that's fake. You don't know her like you know her. Yeah, that's not like...

If I had her as a mom, I probably wouldn't do stand-up. Yeah. You do have her as a mom. But I'm saying if I had that version of her as my mother growing up, yeah, I probably wouldn't be doing this. Wow. And she brought you to the first mic you did. She did. Were you expressing interest? Yeah. Yeah. I had wanted to do Saturday Night Live, and then she was like, well, you have to do stand-up. And I was like, okay. I never wanted to even do stand-up as a kid. That was never my thing.

And then I started doing it and I just fell in love with it. Well, you just saw her and you're like, I could do this. No, I never wanted to do stand-up. I wanted to, like, I guess be on SNL. Yeah, sketches and stuff? Yeah, stuff like that. Do you still have an interest in that? I don't know. Not really. No? I mean, I wouldn't turn it down, but I also think it's pretty bad, the show. Pretty bad. Sometimes, you know, they have...

Like, here's the thing. I don't watch the show regularly. I watched when Nate hosted. I thought his show was fantastic. Like, it was really funny. Yeah, Nate's great. I watched Shane's. I haven't seen one in a while. I saw Shane's, too, and that was really, really good. But it's like all the jokes are like, here's the setup, the punchline, and then we're just going to, like, retell that same punchline five or six times until it's about milked, and then we're done. The other thing I try, I mean, sometimes I try to think in terms of the fact that, like,

They're pumping this out once a week, turning it over the next week. Like you're going to have, you have to miss hard, but then they'll have some that hit hard, you know, going to, it's pretty great. I've never been. Oh, you see the moving pieces, see all the stage hands setting up a stage while another one's going on. And it's like the live part. You really notice like, Whoa, what a production. It really gets cool when you're there. That's cool.

Some of the things are pretty funny, but then some of it you're like, no. Yeah, yeah, I agree. But I guess you're right. Yeah, it's just, it's a tough, that's a tough task, man, to like, week after week.

Anytime you hear somebody say that's a tough task, it's because they're failing. Nobody says that about Tom Brady. That's tough, you know, trying to run a team. But imagine if it's like, it's sort of like the write and act a week kind of thing. I mean, obviously it's with a group, but it's still, it's a huge undertaking. Yeah. I wonder how much stuff gets pitched and they're like, no. So much. So much. But stuff that could be really funny, but they're like, it's too offensive. And then they have stuff cut at the dress rehearsal.

So they have dress rehearsal and they're like, oh, my thing's on. And they're like, nope, it's off now. There was one with Shane that they showed later, a cut one that was like, that was funnier than the other stitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you do it? I would do it for sure. I do weekend update. Did he say come get this pussy? I don't know what he said. I want to set up.

Come on in if you got some pussy. If you got some pussy. He was so swamped. He was like, I'm all right, buddy. Come on. He's hurt. Did you ever watch that video? The girl Pearl dancing? No, she's singing on a table and she falls. I feel like I've seen it. Who is that? Some lady. This is Pearl and then she falls and she's like...

Is it the lady with the grape stomp? No. No, a different one. Yeah, Pearl singing. Pearl singing. If you go on YouTube, Pearl takes a fall, I think, or something. Facebook. Is that her? No, she's a... Oh, shit, that's fucking hurt. That definitely hurt. Well... Maybe I gotta take it off. That's incredible when someone can scrub that shit. I mean, I doubt it. No, it's not a cartoon. This is a lot of just searching.

You would host SNL. You wouldn't be on the show. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't host? I'd host once. It'd be fun. That seems like super fun. Oh, it's Scarlet. I messed her name up. Scarlet takes a tumble. Scarlet takes a tumble. I know her name was Pearl. I'll get up my favorite meme that Adrian sent me. Oh, boy. I can't show anybody. There we go. That's a big lady, too. I don't know why she gets on the table. Oh, you can hear the table going, don't do this to us. The table's like, me!

It's not... And so confident. That's the things you're feeling good. Oh, now she's dancing. You can hear the creaking. The creaking has started. The table's like, lady, we're letting you know. This is gonna end poorly. No, no, don't go there. Oh! It's almost funny when they don't make a noise. Yeah, silence. Check it out. I don't know why she boasts this video. Oh, my God.

It's the slamming out of the side. Oh, that hurt. I don't know why you would still post that. Yeah. Well, she posted a version of it. Who knows why? Oh, and then the internet gets a hold of it. It's over. Once I fall. You can never post it. I've never shown you this one. Adrian sent it to me and I just love it. It's the most. I just love it. It's so good. Yeah, I've seen that. It's good. It's the best. That's good.

You know, people will be like, hey, what's that meme? Ari won't tell me what the meme is. Yeah, that can't go on. Isn't that funny that that, in our circle of life, you just go like, yeah, it's funny. But that is like the end of you. That's it. Oh, yeah. That now becomes like your account's taken down. It's like there's nothing more. That is weird. It's like, but I find it funny. I'm enjoying it. And hopefully...

Adrienne's account gets taken down shortly after today. Her special, The Dark Queen, is out on Netflix. If you have not yet seen it,

One of the funniest people working today. Congratulations. Thank you so much. There's a world of hatred coming to you and we're excited for you. Thank you. Are you going to be touring after? Are you going on a tour right after it? Are you back to Cleveland? Yeah, I have a couple of dates. I'm going to go on tour with you in January, February. Are you building or are you ready to go? You're building a new hour? I'm building. I probably have like 25. This is kind of the fun time again. Because 25, you know, like, oh, I can do it again.

It's not like when you have your new three and you're like, I don't know if I could do this again. I don't know if I could do it again. So hard. But honestly, congratulations. I'm very happy for you. Thank you so much. It means a lot. Exciting that it's happening. You're so funny. I'm just excited people are finally going to see it. Yeah, that's what's going to happen. So many people are going to see it. And then you'll be tripping. Ari Shaffir's podcast that we produce that you put out every Monday. Travel stories, right? Yeah, you got to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I think we said we'll get together in December and do it.

that'd be fun I love it okay uh thank you both for coming buddy nice to see you always good to see you um keeping the fat off trying man you can tell right yeah yeah I should say something smart me now but no no way to go eating well yeah training I'm gonna be naked soon on camera really yeah and I have to shave my face oh what I haven't shaved my face like you know you have half a face shaving yeah I have to shave my whole face

Start with half. Hey, buddy, I know I told you it seems in passing and it's like a joke and you've always been supportive, but legitimately, I really want to do that clapping thing one day.

They're like Tom Segura's new show. Oh, yeah. Scene four, take five. Just like whatever. Okay. With the clapper. You can do that. Okay, but don't forget about me. All right. Okay. Okay. You can do it. I promise. Okay. I mean, we start shooting in a week. Where? Austin. Here in Austin. And we're shooting until mid-November. All right, let me see if I can stop in somewhere. Oh, wow. See? Yeah. Are you like, I'm thinking of getting it. Don't forget about me. No, I'll fly out and do it. I gotta get a Southwest ticket.

I wish. I'm a frontier baby. Whoa. All right. Now you guys are the best. Thank you. We'll see you guys next week.

That's a good one. That's a good one. Yep. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. Dr. Trumpet. I can see the joy.

That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Brown fist Brown fist Brown fist