We Might Be Bi w/ Mark Normand | Your Mom's House Ep. 723
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- This week on Your Mom's House. Because Nadav is actually training to do the New York City Marathon in November. - What?

Get out of here. You're going to die. There's Tommy on his birthday. Yeah, that's my sister's face. I don't go to the bathroom in public. It literally exploded out when I got into it. Oh, like a civil rights fire hose. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Welcome to your mom's house podcast. Now in 4k, you can see every blemish that we have. No, I'm not so stoked about that. Jean, I know you're announcing a big show you got coming up. Man, I am so effing pumped, you guys. So let's start at the beginning, September 7th.

Toronto, Canada, there's literally like five tickets left. September 8th. Are you retarded? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Damn, thank you for asking. Winnipeg, Jiz and Peg, Canada. Don't be retarded. September 14th through 16th.

Momver. Yeah. This one's the best. Downtown Comedy Works. I mean, very retarded. Comedy Works downtown. Yeah. October 7th. This is the show I'm proud to announce. I'm poly, non-binary, and I'll be doing, and at the Venetian Resort, the Summit Showroom in Las Vegas. Nevada. I'm retarded. Yes. And then Wise Guys and Short Lake Titties. Puta, San Jose Improv, One Night, and then- You use the hour one.

Company Club One State in Madison, Jizz-Conson. Yeah. Christina P. Online. The R-word. The R-word. Awesome. I got a couple dates. Let's see. I got, we added a show at the Chelsea at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, September 2nd. And I'm doing the Fallsview Casino Resort in Niagara Falls, Ontario on November 9th.

And then later this year, I will announce some big 2024 stuff. Oh, my God. Some big shows. Big, big shows where basketball teams play. That's so exciting. You know, Agent Jeans. Big black teams. And then I'll be all there all alone. Do you think they make more come? The black guys? Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's like 11 of them. So, yeah. Yeah.

Agent Gene sent you this lovely, gosh, I don't even think it's a plaque. It's like a huge wall poster framed 3D thing. And it's in the house. I'm like, where do I put? It's awesome. It's an awesome thing. It shows every city that I performed in. You guys. It's 3D. It was huge. And then it has all the stats from the shows, the cities, the countries, tickets sold, the box office gross. It's humongous. But to-

It looks like I'm like, look at what I've done. Like in my house. I got to put it somewhere. It's amazing. But I think you should go look at what I've done because not only did you do stand up comedy in all those cities, you physically ejaculated. Not in every city. I have to. I'm embarrassed, but I did not come in every city. Give me an average. One in three, one in five, one in ten. Yeah, maybe one in seven. Wow.

Is that how often you hold on to your Chi normally? Well, here's the thing. Sometimes you realize you're in the city for a few hours on that tour because there was so much movement. I'd be like, I want to come. And I was like, I got to do the show, you know?

And then we leave. And they'll be like, fuck, I didn't come in that city at all. Yeah. What a bummer. It's a real sad thing. May I ask you a personal question? Yeah. How often do you sharpen your knife generally? Not as much as, I'll tell you, what's his name? Montauk Chia. Montauk Chia. Montauk Chia says, I don't do it. He says I'm supposed to do 350 strokes a day, every day. Every day. Every day.

Look, you dedicate time to your fitness. Why not dedicate time to sharpening your sword? Well, here's the truth. I would have much more control if I did. There would be no such thing as like, I think I'm going to... You'd always be like, come now. And then you would just come. So I think we need to block out. How much time will it take you every day to do 300? 50 times, 50 times, 50 times. I wouldn't take that much time. I know. I'm being lazy. Let's be honest. I'm being lazy. There's no excuse.

Try to not stroke your dick 350 times a day. We got to talk to Sean about putting this into the end of your workout. Yeah. Or the beginning. Where would you want to sharpen your sword? I think it's probably better at the end. I think if it starts that way, because there's accident days. There's days where you're like sharpening and then you're like, oops. Too sharp. And then too sharp. And then you're like, and then you can't work out. So end of the workout. Sure. He might not want to be in the room though. He gets real mad at farts. I can't imagine if I'm jacking off. Yeah. He gets

He's like, God damn it, dude. I'm like, what? He goes, come on, man. You fart so much. He's very neat. You know what I mean? His room is very clean. He doesn't like when the weights aren't put back in the same way. They're facing the same way, kind of OCD. And he's not like, I've ripped horrendous farts in gyms with him where he's just like, oh, I don't even know if we're going to work out today. He just walks away. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Do you do it while you're lifting? Sometimes, yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, sometimes I do it, like, I'll arrive and I'll be like, oof, I'm not, he's like, no. I'm like, yeah, it's not good. Cardio stuff, it's much easier to rip in. It'd be cool if you and Sean could sharpen your knives together even after a session. I'll say it right now. I'm down. I'm down. You're just sitting in the gym after a hard workout. Just taking dicks out. Yeah.

Let's finish this. You really got to warm me up, though, for that. Because after a workout, I'm not like, you know. What do you mean? You're not fired? Because you're all teed out. No, I mean, that's not true. Once I get home, showered, sometimes you get like that. But in the immediate after, I'm saying the workout just ended, I'm not like, God, I want to pull my dick right now. Oh, but wait a minute. Maybe that's the best time to sharpen your knife. Because you're not really like...

mentally there yet you could probably get 50 time 50 time 50 time even faster because you're disinterested in it yeah maybe you know yeah yeah that one i always hate that one okay you come take that one too i hate any the only come i like is are you a cum slut that one's okay yeah

I like RPCs. Get off! Oh, yeah. Because it's so weird. When he goes, like, okay, I'm going to come now. And he works himself up. He's like, ooh. Oh, my God. So intense. He looks like a snake that's going to regurgitate. He's like, mm. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, come. Yeah. Ew. Who's that? I think that's you. That doesn't sound...

It did sound like me. I don't like that, though, at all. Where is... 50 times. 50 times left. 50 times right. Where is he doing that? Most men have no circumstances. Circumstances. He said circumstances. Where is he? Where's his I'm gonna come now? I don't know. Yeah, what page is that under, guys? If I'm not mistaken, that should be under...

Should be an RPG. There it is. I'm gonna come now. I'm coming. Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. He put this on YouTube. That was on YouTube.

I'm so glad we got it before it was taken down. Can I ask you? Oh, I remember. It was a video X44407 underscore Z14897. You want to search for it. And his face didn't like that. It's so funny. I saw your face during that and you didn't like that. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't.

I already blocked it out. I don't remember. Oh, Jesus. There's so much buildup. Yep. Do you know you're going to come for that long before you come? Do you feel like he's a little performative at this point? That was performative for sure. I mean, yeah, you do have a little, yeah, you have a signal that goes, oh, hey, this shit's over. That goes on and you know. But is it that long? But I usually don't go, oh, fuck. All right. I'm going to come now. Yeah.

Ha! Like, no, that's, I mean, that guy's a porn star. Let's be honest. That guy can say porn. I want to make sure I make it very clear. I know, like when he makes it clear a lot of times in his posts and his videos, he's like, you know, I'm a star. Like, I'm a porn star. I was famous. I'm like, yeah, I'm not taking that away from you. I've known that you are a super talent. I think that's why you being upset bugs me. It's like...

I don't want like the Hollywood elite mad at me. I don't want RPCs. Like these are like super talented guy. Like he's, he is up there with like,

In porn, he's probably, I would say, equivalent to a Rocco, Ron Jeremy type. And then in comedy, I know I would put him in a Lenny Bruce, kind of Richard Pryor thing. In hat making, I'm not sure who those guys are, but he's up there with them. He's very talented. Yeah. And I understand that. Of course. You're not diminishing that. He's a performer. He's a very strong performer. All right. Let's...

Let's open the show. Here we go. I'm going to tell you this, my entire company, my entire team, if you don't have a six pack, you don't work for us. No, I know. I know. It's called, everybody say standard. How about we raise them? Standard. How about we raise them? How about we raise them? How about you guys quit getting civilized and you guys quit settling? You know, there's some people in this room that said, ah, I would sue my, my, my company if they told me I had to have a six pack. We know you would. That conversation was for the one percenters. That wasn't for you.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yep. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Now, now, now, now. And Christina. Welcome to your mom's house. Uh. Uh. Uh.

This dude's dope, man. It's interesting because he's obviously super jacked, but he has like that Burt skin hue where it's...

Kind of reddish. Well, he probably just exercised. You think he's just flushed with alcohol and testosterone? Why does every jacked guy have to dress in super tight spray on clothing? Because they want to show you how jacked they are. I know. I feel like I see everything. Like those pants are so... He's literally talking about six packs and you're like, oh, I can see it through the shirt. Yeah, I'm here for it. You like it? Yeah? No. Tight? No. No.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I just feel like the pants are ultra tight. Yeah, he's showing you. And when you're giving a speech, it's a little distracting for me. That's all that's on purpose. This is not an accident. Yeah. Who's getting fired first for not having a six pack? Well, if we didn't plan that out of that policy, there would be any here all alone, I think, doing everything. I don't think any of us do. I don't know if there's any other six packs.

But I like it. I think we should adopt something like this. Okay, what's our thing? I don't know, but I think it should be fitness related. Do you think there should be a weight limit? How about just like a weight limit? Yeah. For women and men. Women, it's going to be 118. That's so hard for me to get down. I'll let you suck cock because I'm a good sport, but other than that. Ah, stupid. So dumb. So dumb. He's the best. Rest in peace.

For guys, what do you think? 185? Is that, I don't know what's good. 150? 150? That's pretty. Lean. Yeah. That's very lean. That guy probably weighs 150. Yeah. Could you imagine if we put weight limits? So it's not illegal. I don't know. I think it is. Yeah. And they're like, do you fly or something? Like, is there a reason? You're like, no, we don't like fat people here.

What is, what was that? I'm trying, I'm trying to find that one. I know a standard, Studio Gene standard. Yeah. You have to have nice teeth. Hmm. Fuck. Like, you can't be missing teeth. You don't have bad teeth. I have horrible teeth. My fucking, I just, I'm really good at hiding them because I've had them for so long. But yeah, I busted my teeth when I was a kid. Really? Yeah, yeah. So my front four are like, they're kind of. That's not bad, dude. Yeah, I'm seeing it right now. We took an hour at a time is what I told her. Go an hour at a time.

Nice. Yeah. That was the man right there.

I could get down to that, but I would just have to stop eating entirely and drink coffee all day. So, do it. I did get that thin my summer at Starbucks when I worked there because that's all I did was jacked on coffee all day. Easy, do it, man. With almost deformed looking big boobs. Oh, cool. I don't have to be real big. I'm more of an ass man. I like to have a little ass. Like a...

Yeah, dude. He's fucking so cool. Yeah, he's out of his mind. I like it. Let's have the Fed Smoker standards here. Fed Smoker standards. Yeah. If you're a lady, that's it. Got you. You got to have huge tits. Kind of a nice ass. 125 max. We weigh you in in the morning at the door. Throw you by your hair. I love it. If you're not...

Out in the park. I love it. I was watching a TikTok of this Korean girl and she's like, I went back to Korea and I gained 10 kilograms and everybody was like, you're so fat and disgusting. You need to lose weight.

And I was like, oh my, she doesn't even look that fat. Like she just looked like a regular American size. Yeah. Like they want her to be real, real thin. Foreigners have different standards. Way different. Why different standards? We have really loose fucking. Yeah, yeah. Same in Hungary. They'll be like, you're so fucking fat. You're like, thank you. When I would go to Peru as a kid, like it's like, you know, as soon as I was 20 pounds overweight, they were like, hello, fat ass. Like that's how they would.

greet you and they'd be like do you want to skip food today like you're so like they would go really oh yeah yeah that and they'd always tell me I dressed like shit too when I was over there because you know you were jeans all the time oh yeah yeah you're dressing like you're going to the park or something you don't want to look nice in Spain they said you know how we I remember the lady I lived with her son was older and he came by he goes you know how we can tell if someone's American and I was like how he goes because you guys wear pajamas to go out

I was like, what? Not wrong. He was like, you guys dress like shit. And I was like, nice. It's true. Goddamn. I mean, you and I see it all the time in the airports. People wear pajamas and fucking slippers. We saw it at a school. We went to an orientation thing for our kids and we were like, man, these are the parents? Yeah. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck, dude. I try to dress a little nice because you're like, I'm representing, you know. Yeah. You're representing the Segura family. Yeah, the family with the kids. And then you're like, you see this guy and like.

like slippers yeah and a tank top and you're like okay all right it's crazy that's your level it's very nice i know my parents even taught me to dress up when you go see the doctor like even if you're feeling ill yeah you dress up a little bit it's like you have to wear a suit but it's like yeah i think here it's everything is like no too too lax comfortable man you gotta be comfortable okay okay

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Anyway, I'm super pumped. Yeah. Because I have a CAP report for Eni. Oh my God. Okay. Beautiful. I want to see if it's Eni approved. Okay. Okay. It's inspired by a video that you're going to be playing in a minute. Yeah, I have it. Okay. So let me just say, and I happen to agree with this. This is so crazy. I believe that lactose intolerance is CAP. Eni?

This, it's been a long time coming. You know, they've been skating, they've been skating through this for too long. Oh, yeah. I think it's lactose intolerance. It's the peanut allergies. Like, okay, first of all, I've been saying this for years, years. And like, first of all, if you eat a whole milkshake, even if you don't have lactose intolerance, it's gonna mess with your stomach.

So like, yeah, you get diarrhea after eating something. So what? Just get it. It's fun. It's worth it. Yeah. It's worth the flavor. You know what you do? What? Grow the fuck up. Grow the fuck up. Grow the fuck up. What are you guys talking about? Just eat it. You just man the fuck up. You appreciate that you just got a very nice treat. Okay. Yeah. That you could afford. Yeah. And you know. Okay. Well, what is there to be upset about? Here's what the. Cry baby pussies is what it is. Deep state website, mayoclinic.org has to say.

People with lactose intolerance are unable to fully digest the sugar in milk. As a result, they have diarrhea, gas, bloating after eating or drinking dairy products. The condition, which is also called lactose malabsorption, is usually harmless, but its symptoms can be very uncomfortable. Too little of an enzyme produced in your small intestines is usually responsible for lactose intolerance. Because they're weak.

You can have low levels of lactase and still be able to digest milk products, but if your levels are too low, you become lactose intolerant, leading to symptoms after you eat or drink dairy.

This is incurable in people, by the way. You can do things to treat those symptoms, but you cannot cure it. Here is your ally that got you thinking this. If you are lactose intolerant, you are a beta. You are missing out on life's greatest pleasures, which is dairy, ice cream, whole milk, cheese. And all you got to do is tolerate it. If your stomach can't handle dairy, it shows a lot about your character. So...

Powerade it. Don't be a beta. That's what I'm saying. This guy's eating ice cream with his six pack out. It's fucking amazing. That's a second ice cream. Real alpha move.

yeah that's what we do and and yeah that explanation that was really cute by whoever wrote that you know about you know what they're going through that's really cute but you lost me at unable all right there is no can't in our world you understand you got to just do it right and by the way it's lactose intolerant like oh he's saying all you gotta do is tolerate it right like i'm just i i don't i prefer not to not lactose you will die if you have it just like i'm intolerant like you

Well, they're going to have uncontrollable diarrhea. And you're like, so what? Yeah, exactly. Have it. It's worth it because ice cream's good. Cheese is better. Cheese is amazing. How can you do that? Why are you being a bitch, dude? Just eat it. And don't even get me started on gluten. Oh, fuck your mother. And that doesn't exist at all. I don't even know what that is. I don't even know what it is either. And that's a total bullshit thing. Well...

All right. That is cap as fuck. I think, by the way, if we make a cap report like ranking up there, number one is the gluten allergy. Oh, gluten-free? Yeah. Number one. Yeah. And then ED. Yeah.

PMS. And then I do have another one for you. Oh, my God. I do have another one for you this week. Let's hear it. This week, it's a little easier. I don't think it's going to get as many death threats. Yeah. But this one should be a little easier to digest. It is? Mirrors. Mirrors. Mirrors. Are. Mirrors are kept. What do you mean? So when you look into a mirror, what do you see? Reflection? Reflection?

Correct. Okay. You see a reflection of yourself, right? Most people would say yourself. Okay. That's wrong. What you're seeing...

is a manufactured, flipped version of who you actually are. And you're making judgments. You're looking at the mirror saying, I'm ugly or I'm hot or whatever based on that flipped version of yourself. This is wrong. You're lying to yourself. It's true. Deep any. Deep any, Capra Port. Can we play a sound effect at this point?

And also there's things you can buy something called a true mirror. That is an accurate reflection. Uh huh. I almost, I try. Yeah. They're like two or 300 bucks. Do you hate yourself more looking at them? Yeah. Because it's, it's how other people see you. It's not the flipped image. And so you see like how wonky you're, you're because you haven't actually seen a true reflection of yourself. I don't know if I can handle that. I know. I might get it. And then we throw it in the trash. I look at it once and go, fuck this.

And the thing is, I know that later in life, we're going to look back and be amazed that we used mirrors and thought that it was okay. We're going to be like, why did we think this was a normal thing? We'll look back and be amazed.

A thousand percent. A thousand percent. We're like, why did we do that? That's so stupid. There's a lot to address here. Number one, first of all, as you guys know, our very own Nadav is anti-trans. You can get that shirt right now. Anti-transitional lenses. You can get that shirt right now in the store. Support the cause. Go ahead. Should we explain it for the people that didn't hear it on the last episode? Nadav was anti-trans. Yes, please. Please explain it. Okay.

There are people in society that Nadav is not a fan of. And he doesn't believe they have rights. And those people happen to wear...

Transition lenses. I feel like that's a very long way of getting there, so I prefer to use the anti-trans. I never said your rights should be taken away, Tom. Yeah, but you mocked them for being happy. You mocked them for existing. I just asked, hey, are those transitional lenses? Yes. And then you said yes. You're trans intolerant, much like these pussies who don't eat dairy, you know. Yeah.

Some people wear transition lenses because they don't feel like, you know, going through the whole... The whole procedure to correct their vision through surgery. Yes. And then they...

Wear the same glasses indoors as outdoors and the lenses help you out, right? The lenses transition for you. Nadav pointed out today that I was wearing sunglasses. He was like, oh, I guess you're bi. Pro bot. I'm pro bot. You're not wearing your transition lenses. But this is a perfect segue to a CAP report that we had recently. We had a CAP report recently, which was that bisexuality is CAP. No, no. Bisexual men are CAP. Are CAP. Okay.

Not bisexual women. That's standard issue. I said I have the perfect person to comment on this, and he has sent in a video kind of explaining it all. Why don't we go ahead and give this a watch and a listen. Here we go. Hey, gang. It's your old pal Ian here. I just want to say I saw your little video clip, Christina. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a bi guy. Sorry you can't wrap your head around being cool. Right? Yeah. Sorry you can't wrap your head around a fucking complete hell of God's design. I mean, what kind of a bitch bastard God would make a man unable to be content with one sex?

be able to settle down, have a life. No, he's got to make me yearn for delicious cock and desire wonderful pussy and buttholes.

why of course i'm making stops in gay town and then i'm going to delicious pussy village yeah i'm gonna make a quick stop on trans boulevard you know what i mean but that area is a little crazy but i know one thing yeah and it's to you producer guy black that one yeah you think you

You think guys know best? You think that's what it is? No. You ever been with a guy named Enrique? You just suck it on his wang and he's telling you to stop because you're being too toothy? Huh? You ever have a penis in your skull and you can't make the guy calm and you're going, what the, what the...

What the fuck happened to me, man? Do I have any value at all? Shit sucked. I am what I am. I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I don't give a fuck what anyone fucking thinks, all right? You hear me, Dad? Live your best life. We're going to run out of water by 2040, so eat pussy, give head to your dad, you know? Really, yeah. Christina, call me. I'm kidding. If you won't, Tommy, please, please, Tommy Yum Yums, please, please.

Wow. All right. That was great. Really impressive. Ian Finance with the response there. I did his podcast, Be an Ian with Jordan, that he and Jordan Jensen do when I was in New York. They do it in Brooklyn. And Ian took me to get the best fucking fried chicken sandwich I've ever had around the corner from his place. Wish I could plug the place, but actually I don't because I don't want you guys to eat them all. They're too good. But check out that podcast. It's up there. I think it's episode 50 of Be an Ian.

If you want to check it out. He's funny. He's really funny. And he's legit. He really is. Well, hold on. Yana, I actually have a point of contention because we said there are no such thing as bisexual men. Yeah, episode 50. Sorry. Episode 50, being Ian with Jordan is the episode I did with him. Go ahead. Yana, might I submit in defense of our cap? Yes, please.

I said there are no such thing as bisexual men. He said that he likes men, women, and trans. I believe, doesn't that mean that he's like pansexual? Just fucking anything. Right. So that's technically not bisexual men. Bisexual means male and female, excluding trans. So Ian is really pan, right? Not bi. Oh, you know who just came out as pansexual? Who? Wayne Brady. I'm

I remember. Yes. Yeah, the best was when he announced it and it was like somewhere in the comments on Twitter.

I don't know. It was on Instagram. They were like, bro, we know. Everybody knows. Oh, sweet Wayne Brady, though. Good for him. We like him. Yeah, he's cool. He seems such a sweet guy. He bought us dinner one time. He did. It wasn't because of us, but we were there and he paid for our dinner. It was very nice. It's a nice gesture. Good for him. I hope he bangs everything he wants to. Well, he's been doing it. This is just a way to, you know. Get ahead of it. Get ahead of life. Hey. Hey.

Because that is the only reason you take out a press conference on your sexuality is when people are reporting on it. Yeah, and you're like, I'll just go ahead and say something. And by the way,

We talking about it because it's just, I don't know, something to talk about, but nobody cares now. Nobody cares. Even Obama, they found that letter that he had written to a girlfriend at 21, and it was so eloquently written. I was like, geez. The wording of that was actually hard for me to process. Sure, I don't understand what the guy was saying. I was like, wait, what? Is he talking about dicks? I don't mean that part. It was like the words after it. I was like, I don't even understand what half of these words mean. No, I know. He's also, I think, what, like a Harvard law?

law student brilliant but i was like reading it i was like huh but yeah he goes i i i make love to men i have sex with men daily but in the imagination and then he went on and on i was like all right but also everyone's like holy shit and then big nothing burger yeah and thank god it's a big nothing burger now yeah now it's nothing who cares no one gives a shit now you can live with aids it's the best i know you can get aids it's true 78 isn't that wild yeah

That is wild. It's kind of a thing to chase now. To chase AIDS? Chase AIDS. There are guys that do. Yeah. They're called like the gift or something? Yeah, the gift. It's the gift. Yeah. Are you going to get it? I don't know. Who cares? What if I do? But then don't you have to take the AZT and all that stuff? Yeah, you take steroids. Steroids are awesome. Right. So what? Who? He.

Whoever has AIDS. Oh, like the dude? It's usually a dude that's going to give it to you. Yeah, it's a guy. A guy's going to give you AIDS. Definitely. Chicks can try and they have to just try harder. Yeah.

I already get it. Yeah. Men, they have AIDS. They're the givers. Yeah. It's so crazy. You can just live forever now. This guy that we found, the educational, remember the butthole nair guy? How could I forget? It's been three weeks. He's lived in my heart. Yeah. He has, he's done so many cool things. So much cool education. Like he's the one that was like, let me see. Jeez. Let's see. He did, you know,

For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now. This is on YouTube. I just burned. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So this guy showed us and he completely nared his asshole. And then I was like, oh, this has got to be. If you missed it, I was like, this has got to be like a bit or something. Or if it was up, it was one of those things where someone dared somebody to put something up and it's just gone. And no, it stayed up. It has around 40 million views. And I was like, wait, what?

So we reached out to our YouTube rep and we found out that if you're doing educational or documentary or artistic things, it basically means that you get special permissions that are usually not allowed in YouTube videos. And that's very much laid out by them. And that is why this guy's content is allowed to stay up on YouTube. And he gives really explicit, obviously, instructions, instructions

step-by-step stuff about everything about bottoming, like being a bottom in a, one would say, homosexual relationship. Douching your butt is the most important thing to do before seeing a hot man to ensure that you won't shart on him. So here is a full douching tutorial. Step one, poop.

You need to poop before you douche because you want to clean out the natural way first. So I'm almost ready to take a man because I poop all the time. You're pretty clean down there. Yeah. You probably wouldn't even need to douche. Yeah.

Step two, lube up this tip right here with water-based lube. You don't want to shove anything up your butt dry without lubrication. That will cost you a trip to the doctors. Oh, good to know. Step three, find your butthole with this lubed tip.

Personally, I'm used to doing a half squat over the toilet and putting my enema bulb through the front, past my testicles and past my taint. That's the path that I take. Also, I discovered, I was surprised that you don't have to be completely serious in these. Like he also...

He'll joke around. But since the information is the education, it's allowed. And he doesn't use scientific terms. He said taint, which I'm pretty sure is not in the Harvard Medical. That's right. Step four, unclench your butthole while simultaneously putting this tip inside your butt. No one talks about how important it is to unclench your butthole when the tip of your enema bulb goes inside. He really speaks clearly into numbskaps. He sure does. Yeah.

What a great speaker. I really like watching him. Step five, squeeze the bulb to put the water in. It's really important to not put in too much water when you're douching your butt because when you douche, you only need to clean out your rectum. If you put in too much water and water travels past your rectum and hits the sigmoid colon, you risk triggering other poops up there that would not have bothered you in the first place. Now see, this is where this became very educational. Yeah. Because this is something that most people, myself included, did not know.

And as he says it, you're like, oh, okay. Don't put fucking a fire hose worth of water up there.

Just clean out your. So he's actually very. He's educating people. We've watched people do anal douche on this program. And rain. Remember rain? And didn't she put like an entire bag of urine in her colon or coffee or something? And that's a whole bag. So that that's going to go into that large intestine. It's. Yeah. So there's so much. Let's see. Step six.

Leave the water in your butt for about 30 seconds to 8 minutes. I like to shake my butt in the step because I would have not have known the time. I would have immediately emptied it out. I've been like, I gotta go run some errands. I'll come back in six hours. In my mind, that's like helping it clean out. Yeah. Like the butt plug girl. What's a sub-sub?

Step seven, poop out the dirty water. It's always going to be dirty at first. Don't worry. This is normal. You are going to see poop chunks on the toilet bowl, even though you literally pooped earlier. Don't be freaked out. It'll get cleaner and cleaner as you keep going. Step eight, repeat three to five times or until you're fully clear and clean. And step nine, get fucking railed. Am I right?

You know, but it got us thinking, and I really feel like we need to do something about this. And that is, you know, why don't we do some YMH-produced educational videos? Most definitely. And I think the only way to do that is to have a doctor involved. And we happen to have a doctor that does shows here. I know. Perfect. So why don't we reach out to him? So perfect. Hello. Dr. Drew. Hello.

Yeah, gentlemen. What's happening? How you doing, man? You're on your mom's house podcast. We're big, big fans. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Strangely, interestingly enough, was watching Christina today on where my mom's at.

talking to more young ladies whose badges were drying up. Yeah. Men dared to be sensitive to something. Here we go. Isn't that unreal? Wait. That like these fucking dumb bitches are complaining. It's not exactly what I meant. You, I just said it for you. I know what you wanted to say. Okay. Thank you. But so we're very excited. I want to, I want to tell you that I got so excited about this. We almost, I almost have not been able to sleep because I've wanted to ask you this question.

So much. So we found out through our YouTube reps that there are special permissions given to

to videos that you upload that are educational or documentary or artistic. And one of the things that you can do in these videos is push the boundaries of what is normally not allowed on a YouTube video. And we found that there's a lane that we can get involved in. And I thought it would be great to have you with us in this. And that is...

And so what I was proposing was that you come to the studio and we have a volunteer, like a real person, that you teach them how to check for, like, how to examine their testicles, you know? Yeah.

Okay. But they're naked. I mean, it would be like they'd be fully nude and you'd be wearing gloves and you would just like, it's like you're in your exam room. Same thing for like how to check your breasts. And these videos would serve a purpose in that they're not joking videos. They're educational. Because nothing on your mom's house is joking. No, no. But...

In this case, like, I'm not asking you to jack a guy off. You can if you want to. But I think if you were to... Let's think. How would that be education? Well, you could be like, hey, if you don't know how to masturbate, here's how to do it. Ah, yeah. You know? Yeah. Or walking through the process of the biology of ejaculation. There you go. Okay, so that's the first video. So...

You know, prostate stuff, breast stuff. But like it would be something that we would upload here on our channel and we would, you know, we would we would clear it with our YouTube reps first.

But I was wondering, would you be willing to do that? Would you be willing to educate the masses on how to do some of these things that are medical, but it would involve you and a participant who is volunteering to do it as well? Absolutely. You forget we did the debridement of...

a pilonidal cyst with a nurse. That's right. And that was intended to be educational. And maybe the dog should be my nurse in whatever these upcoming videos are. Or the subject. I would love for you to examine his testicles. I'll be the nurse. I think for the first subject, I mean, pretty much has to come from somebody at your mom's house, doesn't it? Yeah. That's countable.

What's the matter, Christina? Well, who do I want to see their dick and balls? I'm trying to think. Go ahead. I don't want to. What if we got, like, your type in here? Who's my type? I don't know. Some fucked up looking guy with a... Vampire. Yeah. Okay. Some strung out dude. Yeah. Yeah. That's my type. So, we'll get some fucking heroin addict here for Christina. Yeah.

Yeah, first of all, it's such a relief. I thought the call for sure was going to be about Bert Kreischer and his health. Well, you want to know something? Yeah. I talked to him earlier today. His doctor told him that you really need to make some changes. And he's been making them. He's not drinking at all. His doctor actually recommended, I know some people find it controversial, a keto diet, but he's been keto now for like,

10, 12 days. He said he feels great. He's going to keep doing it. He said he's going to, he thinks he's going to do his whole next, he's going on tour here. He's going to do the whole tour sober, he said. Wow. See, that's the part that I didn't think we were going to get. Because he was, I saw some of his Instagram posts about the keto and I thought, all right, good. He needs to be aware of life for him. We need to get his exercise right too. But this is a big deal if he's able to

not be so connected to his treats yeah he was and not have to be the party guy all the time so good all right big deal i i think i think he's gonna actually the way that i spoke to him and things that he said i think he's actually really going to stick to this this this time um and he because he knows he needs to drop some some lbs for sure dude yeah

Yeah, it's so. But anyway, back to the educational videos. So you slipped in prostate in there. What did you mean by that? Because there is no prostate self-exam. No, I know. But maybe you could tell somebody how to prepare for a prostate exam, like as a patient. And what, like show them what happens during a prostate exam. Like Nadav could be on all fours and you just go, this is what happens when you examine somebody, you know?

somehow I knew we were going there. Yeah. And also like, I mean, this guy has a very successful channel teaching people how to bottom safely, like be a bottom in a relationship and you could use Nadav for that. Or even how to remove inanimate objects from your rectum that might get pushed too far in there. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is Nadav Lane. Yeah. Very much in the Nadav Lane. Yeah.

But let's think more broadly about this. I bet we can come up with a bunch of stuff. Yes, exactly.

We're very excited. We're very excited. And by the way, I can imagine that most of the guys in the booth right now are shitting themselves, worrying that we're going to come to them next. Not one of them. But it'll be all voluntary. You'll have to be really invested in educating the public. Yeah, exactly. And the idea of the testicle thing is actually a really good one, believe it or not, and really simple and really easy. And we'll get that one done immediately. Great. Great. The breast exam...

The breast exam feels a little bit like, how do we get somebody to really sign off on that? Well, I'll tell you this. I think it has to be, you know. I'll take care of you on that. I'll get a nice pair in here for you. Don't you worry about that. All right. I know. We'll keep it super medical, but there's no need to have, like, you know, a not hot pair of tits in your hands. Okay. So...

I will protect you on that. Christina can pick the balls. I'll pick the tits. That's better. Thank you. It has to be vampire balls. Find your favorite pair of balls. Vampire balls. That Asian guy has got a nice set. They're very smooth and high and young. High? I think they were kind of hangy, weren't they? Let's take a look again.

I thought they looked nice, though. I like those. Those were not high and tight. How about the guy that shoved his testicles into his rectum? Dude! We're friends with him. Pierce Parris.

Great patient. Great patient. He could teach us how to shove our balls in ice. It's so amazing when these creative minds get together. It's scary, guys. It is scary. Here we are. Here you go. Let's see here. Dude, his nuts are okay and his dong is okay. Who, this guy? Yeah, I like him. I like his hands are kind of small. He's kind of fey. Sweet.

Yeah, those are hanging pretty low. Yeah, those are good. But they're not tight. You're like, they're high and tight. I know. It's so weird to see a guy from behind like this. Yeah. Oof. That was terrible. That was terrible. Oh, look how nice that looks. It looks like a woman's vag. Yeah. I think you ought to change the name of where my mom's at to how to dry a vag. I know, right? Yeah. Seems to be a common theme these days. Where's my vag drying? Which one offended you the most? Was it the Hot Wheels clip?

None of them offend me. It's just so curious to me that all these years of hearing about toxic masculinity and anything that veers towards sensitivity. I'm with you. We have the Rational Revolution. You and I have been there from the beginning. But it's just so ironic to me to hear the explicit drawing that goes from being other than,

I know. Women say they want that, but that's cap, right? It's complete cap. It's cap. Yeah. It's cap. So cap. Drew, we're very excited about this. I say we brainstorm about some potential things we can do to a nude Nadav, and we'll plan it out, and we'll get to it soon, okay? Okay.

Or bring Potter in. He seems up for most things. Potter and Nadav. Sounds good. I'll nurse. Thanks a lot, Drew. Bye, Drew. Dr. Drew, he's the best. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back in a moment.

Ready in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Our guest today has a new special on Netflix called Soup to Nuts. You can see him currently on his You Don't Say tour in theaters all over the place. Check out MarkNormanComedy.com for your tickets. It's Mark Norman, everybody. Woo-hoo!

Good to be here. Thanks for having me. How about Nadav? It looks like he's going to bar mitzvah. Yeah. Now, Nadav, I'm so glad you're here because Nadav is actually training to do the New York City Marathon in November. What? Yes.

Get out of here. You're going to die. That's what people tell me. He's like a Jewier Seth Rogen. When you guys were doing the whole gluten bashing, he was real quiet. I noticed that fucking ginger hebe. So, Big Ol' Native has... That's what we call him sometimes. Big Ol' Native. Big Ol' Native. He was... Found out that he... Well, you know, he was...

He's trans. Oh, okay. Sorry. He's anti-trans. He's anti-transitional lenses. Anti-transitional lenses. So he doesn't like when I wear transition glasses. And so I'm trying to make it a thing that people would just say he's anti-trans. Yeah.

Anti-transitional lenses. Right. But I'm saying I hate the whole, why spell it out? You can just get to it quicker. I was drinking a Bud Light earlier. He slapped it out of my hand. That's how he rolls. That's how he is. Him and Kid Rock, they're fucking. I'm not. I'm not. They're just like this. Yeah. You killed a gay guy once. So anyway, one of the things that we were talking about, it's time to get healthy. It's time to get healthy. And he was like, it's true. I need to lose weight. I need to get myself in a better place.

So he took on the challenge to, and obviously if you're going to run the New York City Marathon, you need to drop weight. You need to start training for it. So he's been working with trainers and nutritionists. How much are you down? What are you down? I've dropped five pounds since last time you saw me. So overall? So I'm like 25 pounds down. Nice. Okay. And that's great. And then he's going to keep going.

Here's the thing. If he doesn't complete the New York City Marathon, he has to get a tattoo, which is against his religion. Right here? Holocaust numbers? All right. They did make us get those. So, yeah, Tom, I guess you're, you know, pro-Nazi. But...

I want him to get... Because his alter ego is an Irish guy. Because we know in Texas they go Jew. So we tell people he's Irish so that they still make deliveries. So...

So his nickname among some circles is Patty O'Callaghan. He's not Nadav Itzkowitz. And so I was like, you have to get, if you don't complete this marathon, you got to get an Irish tattoo, like a chest piece or a back piece. Right, right. And so we're examining like different possibilities. Like this is pretty cool if you did this. Oh, I like it. Father, husband, brother, son. Dude.

McDonough. I think you getting this would be super badass. Yeah. It kind of makes me want you to not finish the marathon. Definitely. Very cool. Very cool. Dude. Something like that. Hell yeah. Fucking, yeah. Irish King, bro. Yes. You're like an honor. Conor McGregor. Yeah, dude. Badass. And it's very pro-American with the two eagles as well. Yeah. It's got a tad of a little SS in there, doesn't it? It's got a little Nazi. Yeah.

Yeah, it does have some edge to it. Right. I like that. Oh, man. That's it. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. I don't know. There's still a few more. That's a lot of ink. What does it say, even? Fighter? Fighting Irish? Fighting Irish. Oh, Fighting Irish. Yes. So cool. Notre Dame. Dude, that's really cool. That would only take, what, how many sittings? 10, 20? Yeah. 10-hour sits? You can get that done in a couple weeks. Easy. Easy.

Oh, Irish flag. And that one's political. I like this. Also, this speaks to like, if you were to cut me open, it's Irish blood that you'll find inside of me. I like that a lot. It'll cover his stretch marks pretty good. It'll blend right into that. That was my first thought. Yeah. This is very cool. And then Callahan. You're Patty O'Callaghan. So,

Basically, this is a preview of what's happening November 7th. See, I was thinking maybe something cursive, like the sides of an index finger. What? Just like on the shoulder, just like right there. That's not enough. A little concession. I think some compromises need to be made. Compromise is fair, but I mean, come on, side of your finger? I was catatonic when I, I don't even remember agreeing to getting the tattoo if I didn't cross. I legit don't remember agreeing to it.

But I'm sure it happened. Well, it's on tape. I think it's on tape. I'm sure it is. Literally don't remember it. That was like probably the day. Oh, right, because you were dissociating that day. I remember that actually. That week, yeah. Yeah, because you were like staring at lights like, what am I going to do? So...

But you know what, Tom? You know what's a fair compromise? What's that? Mark's here. Let him pick which one you get. That's a great idea. All right. I like the chest piece or the big Irish, the fighter. It could be none of the above, too. That's a choice, too. Okay. Well, and the neat part is we will be in New York City, the greatest city in the world. They have very talented tattoo artists there. We can make the appointment for November 7th and get the ball rolling.

ball rolling. But then again, do you want to make the appointment because the appointment is made if you don't finish? We'll just have it on standby just in case maybe. Oh, really? Like a standby appointment. Not a bad idea. I don't think I'm going to want to sit down for a 15 hour tattoo session after I'm handicapped from running the marathon. I mean, it should be a perfect time. I'll sleep right through it. Alright.

All right. Someone bring me some painkillers. Drugs will be part of it. If you want to do it on drugs, I think that's fine. It fucking better be. And if you lose, we'll get a trans person to do it. Just to really put a little more sting in the wound. Yeah. It'll fire you up. I know how you are. Oh, my God. Look how much detail is in that. That's crazy. It's the shading. Dude. The face. There's no normal skin tones in that backpack. This guy is a real fan. I'm going to guess that this guy actually got this inside. Yeah.

At least it started, you know? And then he was like, finish it up when I'm done doing this 17-year sentence. That's what you've got to love about the Irish, though, is like the Native American names, Chiefs and whatever, the Indians, they change. But the fight in Irish is still just a drunk Mick leprechaun with his hat crooked, ready to go. He's about four foot one. I get drunk all day. That's a cool culture. We're fucking a mess here.

Are you Irish? I have Irish blood, but I'm not like, you know. Yeah, yeah, you're Polack through and through. Yeah, like 100%. What about you? I'm half French, half Sicil. Oh, wow. You're very Euro. I guess so, yeah. Those are nice, classy ones. Oh, yeah, because Norman, that's the French part. Normand. Normand, yeah. Damn. Normand. Being French in New Orleans is like being Jewish in New York. It's par for the course. That's true, yeah.

Now, do the French get tattoos to celebrate their pride? No. I don't think so. We do, but then we give up. Yeah. No, the French would be like, that's so fucking lame. No. Yeah. It's gauche. Yeah. It's like being proud to be a gypsy. You're like, but what are you guys stoked on? Stealing? We're cousin fucking thieves. Yeah. Pickpocketing. Look at gypsy pride tattoos. Is there? Yeah. Because remember that...

gypsy show the the tlc oh yeah we're 100 roman a shell gypsy you're like you're not you're trash trailer trash yeah there you go but this is different this is like what you're talking about like those people on that show that's the west virginia you know right traveler the roma the people that we think of in europe

That are like squatters that steal and throw their baby at you. That's yeah, that's totally. Hey, is that your buddy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But those like, yeah, that that lady tattooed on there that.

Those are kind of pretty. Robbed a thousand people of their life savings. Yeah, that's European. Yeah. How do they afford these? Tattoos are not cheap. No, I know. You always see hobos with tattoos. I'm like, that was 300 bucks. Yeah, you should have fucking had a meal this week. Yeah. I know. Jesus Christ. By the way, that Ian Fidance video, he blew me so I can vouch. I was going to ask you. That little dick broom was really tickling me.

Do you think being bi is legit? Well, because that was the there's always a leaning, you know, like it's like when somebody says, I'm independent. You're like, oh, you're Roseanne. You're a fucking conservative. You know, like they always say, I'm independent. But you know which one they really are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same with bi. They're like, is a bi man ever not gay?

No, always gay. He's gay. 100%. Is Ian married? Ian? No. See? What are you kidding? See? I would marry that weirdo. He has a bunk bed. He gets around on a pogo stick. He's a nut. He's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, do you think lactose intolerance is bullshit? Well, here's the thing. I think it's real, but I think you've got to push through. My wife has it, and she's shitting blood all day long, and she just lives with it. Yeah, she's a keeper. Yeah, I like that. She's strong. The anal's a mess, but good lady. It's bad back there. Is she very sensitive to dairy? Oh, yeah. Just like even a sip of milk in the coffee? Sip of milk, and she's like, I've got to go to the bathroom. It's like four minutes. Wow. Like a goose.

Right out of there. Well, she needs to get her mind right. You know what I mean? Like, try to stop being afraid of that milk. Yeah. Bad genes. Sometimes you just have to go for it, you know? I know. No matter what it is. Like...

Whoa, what's this? People are just making out. Oh! Fuck off. I knew it was going there. I fucking knew it. That's my wife. Oh, no. Yeah. That was horrible. I know. I know. No, don't act like you did. I didn't like it. I actually thought it was the other one. There's another one.

It's a brunette I got. You know what I'm talking about? You showed it to me. Yeah, she's doing the similar. It's a similar idea where she pukes in the guy's mouth. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. They're making out. Yeah, same idea. So wild. Dude, that could totally happen to anybody, I feel like, like in your 20s. How did it not happen to all of us? I've had it on the dick. Ha ha ha!

They were the BJ. Yeah? And she puked? No, I was blowing him. No, no. Yeah, just like a little gag. Like, ugh! And then a little came out. Like some yellow stuff. Bile. Was she drunk? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We all were. Now, what do you think of somebody who...

is doing bi stuff while they're drunk. Is that legit or is that a cover? Oh, interesting. Well, every girl did. Didn't you do that in college? Yeah. Standard in the 90s for girls, I feel like. But for men, it's a big leap in society to go with a dude. Good point.

Yeah, so that's a gay. It's gay. It means you really, really want that dick. You know what I'm saying? Right. To go against society that harsh. And then you can be like, it's because I'm drunk. Yeah. It's your perfect cover. It's a good out. Have you done it? Yeah. Fuck the guys. Drunk. Yeah. It doesn't count. How do you think you met Josh Potter? Josh blew me when I was hammered.

And he was like, you're a guy, I'm blind. And I was like, oh, we both have a story. It's fine. It's fine. There you go. Yeah. Maybe Josh has done it, but he's blaming his bisexuality on- Josh has definitely done some wild shit. Definitely. The eyes, yeah. Yeah, for sure. He also has, like, I've told people, he's a ridiculous game that you would not expect. Really? Yes. For a guy, little guy, fucking dead eye, you know? Yeah. Does shoulder hair porn. Like, you're like, this guy. Yeah.

And then I've seen him pull chicks where I'm like, wow. How does he do it? Like, what's the game? He is. I mean, it's all the stuff that you hear that you doubt when you're, I guess, young. I mean, it makes more sense to you the older you get where he just he doesn't apologize for being. He's not like I shouldn't be here. So, you know, he approaches like, yeah.

Yeah. Like with some confidence. And he owns it. He owns it. He owns all the flaws. You own who you are. It always goes further. That is such the truth. Like Duncan Trestle, we were talking about on where my mom's at. He's like, when I was a dishwasher, I was just a poor dishwasher and I was pulling, not pulling, he didn't use that phrase, but he was like, I was dating girls.

And I was like, well, that's kind of a great racket, too. I'm just a humble dishwasher. I'll eat your pussy. I'll eat the shit. You know? Yeah. Josh would be like talking to a chick and then he'd be like, oh, your eyes are not deceiving you. Mine is dead on this side. Yeah. And then they're like, oh, OK. It's like it's a conversation getting started. It's like more than half of the whole thing. Yeah. So then they're like, what are you talking? And then he's like, yeah, this guy's going blind. And then you just see him.

Wow. But also, I think if you have a thing, girls are into you. Like even if it, oh, I'll fuck this troll. It'll be my troll bucket list check. Yeah. Like my buddy lives in a van and he gets laid because he's the van guy. Right. Wow. Just the fact that like, oh, I'll fuck this van guy. This will be interesting. Or Brad Williams. Yeah. You know? You're a thing. What was your thing before you got married? Oh.

That's a good question. Well, actually being a comic is definitely. Oh, comic. Yeah. Or I would just pay them. Yeah. But yeah, comics, a big one comic. Yeah. And I think that that's probably a Josh thing too. It's like, he's meeting chicks at,

You know, they saw him at the show. Sure, that helps. So, you know, you have a great set. He's probably halfway there. But he's so blind, he's probably talking like a fire hydrant. That's true. At some point, and just started making out with it. Oh, God. I have seen him, too, being like, oh, my God, I almost hit the walls. Yeah, yeah.

He opened for me in Buffalo years ago. We got hammered and he drove us home. And I'm like, what were we thinking? That's how I met him. Really? Same scenario. I met him at the Buffalo Helium. Yep. He opened the show and he's like, I'll give you a ride home. And he's driving me in this car and then it's snowing. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was like, can you drive? He's like, yeah, it's probably not for a lot longer. This might be my last year. Maybe it cancels it. Like, you know, the blind and the booze, they go together and then he could see perfectly. Jesus. Oh, you did the special, by the way. Congrats on the special. Oh, thank you, sir. If you haven't seen it, Soup to Nuts on Netflix. You did it at the Vic? Vic Theater in Chicago.

I think it's a great theater. Great room. Great room. It's kind of got that Wilbur thing where it feels like a club, but it's still a theater. Yeah. And Norm has done one there, Bill Hicks, so it felt cool. And I'm the only idiot that I recorded on St. Paddy's Day. You did it on St. Paddy's Day? Yeah. In Chicago? I didn't know. I was like, oh, this date's open. Let's take it. And I get there, the river's green, every girl's puking. You know, it was bad. It looked like Nadav's back out there, just a bunch of mix. Paddy-o. Paddy-o.

But it all came together for you. It worked. It worked out. It worked out. Yeah, it was fun. And Netflix, I got to hand it to them. They let me say everything. Yeah. I figured you with the R word, that was over, the big tardo, and they were like, ah, go nuts. Well, here's the thing. It's awesome. It's back. Yeah. It's back, baby. Hell yeah. Retarded is back. It's time to let them know again. They know they're retarded. Oh, they sure do. And here at your mom's house, it never went away. That's true. That was the fun thing. That's the nicest part.

Yeah, that is very, very true. Are you retarded? So that's my mom, by the way. Oh, really? That's my mom. That was great. Cool mom. Don't be retarded. Retard with an accent. Oh, yeah. She never...

She never learned certain things that like, oh, like you can't like one time. She probably killed me for telling this. She was at the house. N-word? And oh, no. Oh, great. She's like, what does that mean? Like, you can get her to say it. But she was at the house with a friend of hers and another, like his older lady. And then I'm sitting there talking to them. And she goes, you know, and then she says her friend's name. She goes, you know, so-and-so.

has to go do this thing because, you know, her son is retarded. And I was like, and I just went like this. I tried to cut my mouth and I was like, yeah. And I just turned around cause I was going to laugh out loud. Yeah. And then she comes into where the room, she goes, why are you laughing? I go, cause you just called the lady's son retarded.

Yeah. In front of her. And she's like, what am I supposed to call him? I'm like, well, I get it. But it's because she didn't know. Like, if you're talking about somebody with like, he just has like a severe learning disability. Yeah, yeah. But in Spanish, you would just say that. Sure. So she just said it. And I was like.

I was like, yeah, and you can see the lady. She goes, he, yeah, he has some problems. I was like, okay. But yeah, she doesn't have a... Do you remember that story in Florida where you guys had the bagger? Oh my God. Please tell the story. I just, I love, so sometimes...

like if we're at a stoplight and i see somebody with like i don't know ms you know like crossing the street oh yeah so it's like it's it's a severe limp i'll just be like you leave this guy's drunk like at 10 in the morning and she'll be like drunk

he has a, he's disabled. I go, nah, this is a drinker, you know, just to like fire her up. Yeah. And so we were at the grocery store and this guy who's clearly disabled. Yeah. Bags the groceries. Right. And we go out to the car and I go, something was off about that guy. And she was like, what? And I go,

Something was off about him. She goes, he's retarded. And I go, no, no, no. But I couldn't tell what it was. We didn't use sense that he wasn't all there. And she's like, yes. Yes.

You mean the retarded? Like, no, no, no. But like you pick up on something and she's like, yeah, the retarded part. And I'm like, no, no, no. But you can just walk her into these things. Yeah. She's so gullible. Yeah. Soon she's going to be like, my son doesn't see retarded. He must be retarded. He must be one of them. Oh, she thinks I'm fully retarded. Oh, okay. That's a given. We have the, is there a new one? The Colombian guy?

Oh, you got to see this. You said you paid for sex once. Once, yeah. Would you pay for sex in another country? That's where I did it, Mexico. Oh, great. Oh, perfect. This guy's for you. Hey, guys, where are you going to get this? Only here, never in the U.S. Say hola, mi amor. Hola. La Colombia. La Colombia.

He does these videos kind of all the time. Wow. Okay, guys, I had to take the short video. This is what he's talking to you. Say hola. Braces. She's braces. This is, guys, I can't take it home, but my own...

I can't take her home. Why not? Yeah, you can. Too expensive? Yeah. You can definitely take her home. Yeah, you can. Wow. I'd love to know what the prices go for in Colombia. Maybe he had his veneers done there. Oh, yeah. They look good. Yeah. Give that a goo. Give me a Colombian whore price range. Just out of curiosity. So what are these prices? So these are Colombian pesos. But it's like roughly, it varies between $50 and like $300. Okay. That's a good range.

He can't afford that? Very reasonable. Very reasonable. Let's see what our Colombian friend has to say about some of this. I got a DM last night from this guy, 28 years old. He feels he's good looking, goes to the gym, feels his girlfriend's ghosting him a little bit. So he feels maybe she's cheating. Well, it ain't like the old days with women. They're all cheaters and it's okay. But if a man cheats, we're no good.

Yeah. Who is this guy? He's interesting. He's the Yoda? He's the Yoda of Colombian brothels. Wow.

But he, yeah, I like, you know, he's very straightforward. Yeah, he's on TikTok and he loves to show us the lifestyle that he has in Colombia. Yeah. Where it's just like prostitutes and he works out and like, he just, he's living his best life and he wants you to do that too. Here, here. So he's like showing you how to do that. And he tells you like, come down here. I'll show you what's up. Yeah. He seems happy. He seems content. No, he's thrilled, dude. He's loving it. He's loving it.

And then he'll do a video. He's like, I'm back home visiting my grandson. I love these kids. Yeah. You're like, yeah, dude, that's cool. Imagine this is your grandpa. I know. It'd be wild. It is somebody's grandpa. It really is. And someone's dad. He's like, and you see, you're like, oh, that's my granddad. He's showing me off. And then he's like, check out this girl, Elizabeth. Yeah.

Look at her tits. She's retarded. So creepy. She let me fuck her. But he is right. Like if you would just want to annihilate a woman, if you slept with her best friend, that's kind of the ultimate. I don't think there's anything worse than that. You're devastated, dude. Decent advice. So I don't think that's just for women. I mean, a woman could do that to a man. It's pretty devastating. That would ruin a human being. I think you're done, right? Totally. Totally.

Goddamn, dude. Dude, you know what you should do? What? Fuck Bert. Ew. That'd be so awesome. That'd be so cool. Thanks, babe. Yeah. God. See, what's funny is, like, ten years ago, he would have been called a creep. Yeah. But now, like, the sex worker movement has made brothels, like, empowered.

empowering. Women have to go with it like, oh, we can't call him a creep because now... Right, don't shame this man. Exactly. By the way, so you were out on tour. You did some of the Fully Loaded tour. Oh, yeah. So you were out there front and center with Bert. Yeah. A lot of us have been like, what is going on? He looked like he was falling the fuck apart. He pushed it. He did push it.

Because you've toured with him also before. You did like European stuff. We did Europe, all that. Yeah. So I've seen Bird at the height, but now it's weird. I did his pod like two days ago. He's lost weight. Yeah. He's on a Zempik or some shit. He looks amazing. So because I talked to him this morning, and he's like, yeah, I'm down like 15 pounds. Wow. In like 10 days. That's insane. That's how...

he was pushing it. Yeah. Ten days of clean eating and drinking, 15 pounds. I bet you it's bloat and sodium. A lot of it. That's what it is. And water, you know. Tito's. Oh my God. It's all Tito's. His face was this big. His gut was out to here. Yeah. I mean, it was crazy, but he's looking, he's like, I'm keto now. I'm like, what is this, 2016? Yeah. You just heard about keto? Yes. But yeah, he looks amazing. It's crazy. I thought he was a Chinese guy. That's Joey Diaz. Yeah.

Because the face gets all squished. Yeah, his face does get squished. Yeah, yeah. I said, who's this Chinese guy hanging out at the store? I was talking to Dr. Drew and he goes, Bert looks like he's going to explode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, that's true. But he did. He really had like, I talked to him today for a while and he was just like.

I went to the doctor. They told me to get it together. I think because before he'd tell me these wild stories of like, I went to the doctor and he was like, everything's a-okay. And I was like, really? Come on. What doctor's like, you're doing great. Right. With your fucking liter of vodka a day. Yeah, exactly. But he said the doctor was like, no, no, you need to rein it in. Oh, good. All right. Yeah. Fine.

I mean, the liver can only do so much, and I've gone into his bedroom. I don't know if you've seen it. It's just pill bottles for days. Those doctor bottles, those orange ones, you know? Yeah. And it's like liver, cholesterol, high blood pressure, AIDS, whatever he's got. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. I'm glad that... But you've seen it front row. Front row, man, because it was catering. It was cookies everywhere, and it was kegs, and then it's booze, and you start drinking. We do a slip and slide. So you're drinking all through the day, and then the night hits, and then the shots start. I know. We podcasted, like, I think it was during that, and he was sitting here. We were podcasting, and he's like,

I just want to drink or I just want to eat something. Do you know what I mean? But he said it like a fucking lunatic. I was like, no. Right. It was like 10 in the morning. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, I just like, I just want some food. Yeah. Or something right now. I was like, these are cravings. Yeah. You're indulging.

Well, I think every comic has a thing that they can't help. Like Seinfeld's got 800 cars, you know? And Bert's not like a fuck guy. Right. But he's like a food booze guy. Right. Everybody's got their, you know, Diaz. Yeah, Diaz has got the gummies all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we all have something. God, I would just be high all the time if I didn't have kids and stuff. Really? You think you'd be high all the time? Like pill high. I mean, I don't do it all the time. Oh, pill high is good. Because I'm like, yikes. Like, I would have a serious...

Pill addiction, I think. You think so? Oh, if I know nothing to like take care of. You didn't have a pill addiction before you had kids. Stopped it before it started. Remember when I had my ankle and I had those pills and I was talking to Dr. Drew one day and I was like, man, I take these oxys and I feel like,

It's like what I was always meant to do. And he's like, Christina, throw these away immediately. Yeah. And I was like, okay. It just feels like you're in bed on Saturday morning with like a magazine. Everything's just fine. Yeah. It was like what I've been looking for. It was the answer to all my problems. And I'm like, oof. I love drugs, man. I know. They're so good. They're good. How about when our kids leave the nest, we get into drugs? There we go. Yeah. That's a show.

Yeah. That would be fun. What would you start doing? What's your thing? Here's the thing. I always thought I would be like a heroin guy. Yeah. Because like to go, but here's what I found out. I actually think that,

And I missed it. I missed it completely before it started. But I think my path is really cocaine. Oh, for sure. Not because I'm low-key, but I like the dopamine drip that is associated with that. Like everyone I talked about, there are things that are like,

parallel to that and i'm like oh because cocaine is like confidence boosting yeah and that to me feels like oh that would be very addictive to me yeah sure be like i'm the best yeah yeah were you doing the adderall no never did that because it's pretty close really yeah they're very similar i oh i did the um adderall light vivance oh i don't know vivance that is like the

you know, that's diet Adderall. Oh really? Yeah. And I took one and I called my doctor and I was like, can I get some of this? And he was like, no, that doc gives me like, anytime I'm like, I need this, I need, Hey, I want to, I want an antibiotic just in case I get sick. He's like, no problem. No problem. I tell him I want to try it. He's like, I told him that. And he was like, nah, whoa. He said, because there are, um, you know,

It's possible that there could be heart side effects with this. That makes sense. Not the other stuff that would ruin your life. No, he was like, no, he's just watching out for your heart, basically. And it's tough to quit those because you get productive. You clean the house. You take apart the vacuum cleaner. You write a screenplay. Yeah. So that part's like, why would I quit? That day that I tried it, I was like, this is good stuff. I'm actually going to try to get some under the table.

Hey! That's what's up. Give me some. I want to try that. You've got to try it. Mark, what's your thing if you were just letting it go? I mean, I'm probably an alcoholic, I guess. Sure. So that sucks. Who isn't, though? I feel like we all are. Exactly. And I had a lateral run for a while. Yeah? Okay. But I wasn't sleeping. Then you get cracked out. But me, I'm shrooms. Love a shroom. Really? Big shroom guy. Okay. It's natural. There's no hangover. It doesn't seem to have many side effects. Yeah.

It's all positive. By the way, Burr was here and he bragged about your push-ups.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I do push-ups every morning just to kind of... You wake up and do them? Wake up and do them, and I do squats, and I do pull-ups. Dang. It's like an OCD. Free body weight squats? Yeah. And then pull-up. How many pull-ups do you go through? Right now, I did them all during the pandemic on scaffolding, which is very embarrassing when someone walks by and goes, comedy. I'm like, ah, jeez. But yeah, so I'd say I'm up to about 35. You can bang out 35 pull-ups. In a row. Dang.

That's very impressive. Thank you, but it took years to get there. You did it literally one at a time. Yeah, I live in New York in a shoebox with my lady, so I had to get out. Dude, 35 is impressive. Dang, it started with two. And push-ups was like, you said 100? About 100, yeah. And I vary. I do the Spider, what do you call that? The Spider-Man where you kick the knees up? I forgot the name of it. Oh, Mountain Climber. That's it. Yeah, and then I do the Diamond. I really get in there. But this is like, wake up.

Knock this out. Yeah. And then you're ready to start your day. Exactly. So when I'm on the road and like you have to get on a flight early, I'm on the flight and I never did my pushups and I'm freaking out because you have that guilt. Yeah. So I'll do them in like a green room and comics are like, what are you? What are you? This guy now? And I'm like, no, I just didn't do them before. Yeah. You got to get it done. Got to get it done.

That's great. Cause you, you do that. You have a trainer in the morning, right? We work out a lot in the mornings at the gym. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, wake up. I like to, I like to wake up and go. Wake up and go. And it's hard as shit. You want to, everything in your body saying don't do it. But once you're done, you got the whole day. Having the, I'll say this, having that other, like there's day, obviously I'm not with him every day. So I do things without him. Yeah. It's such a difference. Like I didn't see him for weeks. I was on, we were traveling and vacation and,

The first workout with him, I was like, this is way different than what I've been doing. Oh, really? Yeah, it was so much. You took it easy. I mean, I didn't think I was taking it easy. I was going to a gym, and I was working out, but I was working out by myself. Right. When I saw him, you know, it's just dialed. I think it's almost impossible to mimic what somebody else can push you to do, almost. That's true. His level of like, no, we're doing this circuit today, I'm like, fuck.

you know, like, and then you're like done with it. He's like, okay, now we're gonna do the second circuit. And then you're, then you're done with that. You're like, we're done. He's like, no, we're not done. Exactly. That kind of stuff. You're like, oh, I wouldn't have done that on my own. On your own, you got the phone out. You take breaks. Yeah. TikTok. Yeah. You look at the Colombian hooker guy. TikToks. TikToks. Oh yeah. Speaking of. Well, oh, let me show him this first. This is, because he would, he is, you would be a good voice for this, whether this is horrible or hilarious. Oh God. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

No LOLs here, bro. What's going on? I think a machine... Let me try it. Trap the hand? Oh! Something's crushing him. Yeah, that machine flattened him. Oh, the language. Yeah. This is Portuguese, I think. Thank God he's got his mask on. Oh, another one! That's two guys. Oh, wow. The robots are taking over, man. You see? See what we did? Yep.

Tom, this is just terrible. Can you stop this? Does this bring you joy? I'll say this. I like the screams. I do like the screams. I do enjoy the screaming. I don't like that somebody got hurt, though. That's not cool. Ah, shut up. Oh, that's hell. Yeah, all right. Thumbs down.

That wasn't funny. Oh, no, and Mark didn't laugh either. Did you feel... I'm not a pain guy. I don't get hard from this shit. I like farts.

Oh, that was pretty cool, though. Look at that. He's all right. Oh, he's up. He's up. Okay. I like this. See, this guy's caught up. Oh, back again. Damn. He hopped up a second time. Damn, he's got tuxedo shoes on. Yeah, dude. He's coming. He's lit. That's the thing. This guy's drunk as fuck right now. I like this guy. Yeah. This is somewhere... It's tomorrow. They're going to be like, you have two shattered fevers. Yeah. Yeah. This is not America, right? Definitely not America. I don't know that it isn't. I'm guessing by the attire. I feel like...

Nope, this is America. It said something city on the back. Well, it could be somewhere. Oh, fuck. This guy's awesome. Got right up. Florida. Florida? Hey! Hell yeah, that's DeSantis. Yeah. That's like right after a fundraiser. He's like, let's go out there and do donuts. Let's go. Exactly.

Fuck yeah. Good for this guy. This is, let's see here. I hope he got laid off that. That was traumatic too. You didn't like that? I liked it better than just people getting crushed on their jobs. Can I make a prediction? What? You're going to like this next one. You're going to like the way I look? I think you are. I guarantee it. Oh! Stupid. Fucking idiot, bro. Can you bite it? Can you bite your finger? It stung you?

He farted. I thought that was you adding that. This had two of my favorite elements. Animals, people fucking with animals, and then he farted. Yeah, that was pretty dope. I knew it, and you reacted exactly as I thought you would react. Thanks. I'm so happy. That's love. I'm happy I met your expectations. Is this Steve Irwin? Are we seeing the footage? Fuck, dude.

What did it like fuck up his face or something? And then right after this he dies. Yeah. Wait, was it a stingray? Yeah, it was like a small one and then they had the stinger. Let me tell you, they put these stingrays in like aquariums that you take your little kids to but these motherfuckers

lethal look at this guy killed steve erwin and now he just fucked this guy up and this guy is gonna recover fine the steve erwin died because that stinger went into his heart which is so crazy yeah yeah he was swimming over one and of all the places that stinger could have went it went right into his heart yeah holy moly it was just the freakiest so it's like someone stabbing you right there

Damn. These stingrays are no joke. I don't know why they put them where little kids touch them and stuff. I know. They suck. These are the assholes of the sea, right? Well, as David Tell says, the Puerto Ricans of the sea. Best joke ever. Great joke. And I can't forget it. Great joke. Switchblade like quickness. Yeah.

I still remember. You see him all the time, but for me it's much less frequent to see him. Oh, he's the man. Oh my God. I just saw... I can't give... I saw him do new stuff. He came to Texas. And even his stuff, by the way, I was saying that it's so fun to be around him in the green room because...

I don't know. Like he'll fuck with you, but in a fun way. Sure. He was like, you doing the late show? And I was like, no, I got to get home. I got to get up tomorrow. He's like, oh, you got a busy morning. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what? But it's fun. It's fun. That somebody's doing that to you. You're also like, oh God, I hope he doesn't hate me. I even remember 2008. 2008. I remember this. Because every like a tell thing for me is like locked into memory. Yeah.

Because I remember I opened for him in 2005. I opened for him the next year. And then in 2008, I was in Las Vegas doing what at the time was called the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. 2008 was an Olympic year. And he was like, ladies, I bet you want to fuck that Michael Phelps, huh? And they're like, no. He goes, you would if you were drowning. Ha! Ha!

Like, the set up and the, you know. It was so funny, man. He's the king. He's so funny. I saw him once. This is my favorite to tell. I've got 30 of them, and I've said this before. But he goes, two Hispanic women weren't laughing, and they were just kind of, like, hating him. And he goes, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again? And I was like...

This is the funniest thing I've ever heard. And just the idea of this old Jewish guy knows about Selena. It's so good. Again. Again. So funny. Ah, the king. He goes, what do you do? The guy goes, I work for Nickelodeon. He goes, no wonder I'm hard. I mean, he was the quickest. Yes. Or he is the quickest. No wonder. They are Puerto Ricans of the sea. Yeah. They should be stopped. Yes. These stingrays are terrible people. Oh, yeah.

Do you want to tell Mark what he's about to see here? Oh, yeah, yeah. So are you on the TikTok app? I am, but I pay a guy to do mine. No, you just need to stop. Yeah, because you're a sensible guy. That's why. You need to get on it. And I curate the outliers of TikTok, people that are on the margins of society, people that are underrepresented. We give them a platform. All right. It's always a ride.

Let's see what she's got for you today. Okay. Handpicked for you, Mark. I'm about to expose one of my biggest insecurities. For the last 16 years, I've been wearing butt pads. I wasn't blessed with junk in the trunk, so I'm here today to see about getting some. I'm not talking Kim Kardashian size. I just want enough that's going to fit the scale and proportions of my body. These are the pads I wear every single day. I don't leave the house without them.

I'm looking to keep the same size and shape so that it looks very natural. That does not look natural. I've removed the pads on one side so you could see how flat I really am. I've tried going to the gym before. I've done every butt exercise known to man, and here I am, still flat as a pancake. Dr. Richard said I do have one good thing going for me. That's being flat and flabby, so it'll be easy to fill it up

You get the message. I didn't imagine this being so long.

I don't remember when I sent this, but butt implants are very popular right now, and I don't think they look good. I think butt implants are cap. To be fair, you usually see women doing this. You see a lot of women, and you usually see them doing enormous versions of this. Madonna ruined her figure with these. Just can you Google Madonna's butt? It looks terrible because her body is normal for a woman her age, and then she's got this badonkadonk. It just looks silly.

But they never look real. And in L.A., people are wearing butt pants. Oh, there it is. Yeah, it just looks so fake. Whoa, that's silly. That's crazy. I think the other fascinating thing to see about this is you just don't realize how much people have...

different insecurities. You always assume that they're the same. You'd see this guy, I think most people would go, oh, this guy's super lean. People would go, how lucky he is that he's so thin. And he's just like, I've been wearing butt pads for a decade and I can't deal with this anymore. I gotta get injections. That's pretty crazy. And I think we can all agree, he's bi. Yeah.

But yeah, that's silly. Come on. If your ass is that flat, you can probably get penetrated more in the right...

rump yeah oh yeah you just get in right in there's less hit the image right above the one that's currently yeah look at that face holy moly people are saying she looked like she's pissed that people focused on her face how does that happen who's the doctor there that person should be fired do you remember like how much she was on top of the world so i was so into her yeah oh she's very pretty

Yeah. Yeah. She's just, she's on, you know. And that's the crazy thing. If you meet her now, you have to like pretend that everything's normal. I know. That's the worst part. You'd be like, everything, you look good. Can I tell you something? Please don't let me get like that. Will you promise me? Are you on your way? Yeah, of course. I'm going to get stuff done. I already do stuff. Okay. I'm on the slippery slope, bro. Yeah, it could happen. It could happen.

She looked, she had, that's all right. On the right is still passable, but now it's too far gone. Yeah, we were all like, man, Madonna's the shit. Yeah. Sexy lady. Yeah.

Crazy looking now. But then some women pull it off. Like Jennifer Aniston looks great. Cher looks great. Fonda, what's her name? Jane Fonda is like 900 years old. She's still fuckable. So what's the secret? I guess you just can't go in excess. Because that doctor's not saying no. It is excess. Madonna's finding somebody who won't say no to her.

That's what's happening. Right. And people don't say no to celebrities. That's true. Yeah, she looks great. If you're a celebrity, someone will always say yes. Yeah, you can always find somebody. Good point. And also, you see even non-celebrities, honestly, if you're willing to pay, there's people that have, they look like fucking cartoons. Oh, yeah. Their face is crazy. And that person's still getting procedures done. Oh, my God. Someone's still being like. You should be, I don't know what the word is for doctors, but disbar.

Yeah, yeah. License removed? Yeah. They revoke licenses. Really? They do, but I don't think normally for that. That's crazy. If you probably investigated the conditions with which that procedure was done, you probably have a case for having someone's license removed. Sure. Like this person, at a certain point, you are really not helping somebody out, you know? It's one good thing about comics. People say we're mean and offensive, but like if Burt was getting that shit done, you'd do a whole episode about how ugly he looks. Yeah, that's true. And that's like a good friend. Yeah, that's true.

But anyway, you can get injections into your butt. When I was getting my Botox done with my plastic surgeon over the summer, she's like, yeah, you can get injections to make your butt bigger. And actually, like, I don't know how, but.

There you go. But people die from that. I know. Those backdoor BBLs. Oh, yeah, the Brazilian. Have you seen this? No. They really made this an event. This is real. So this was sent to me a million times. This is a joke. Explain what they're saying. So this is called the Hobby Horse Champion Challenge.

It's basically like girls pretending to ride horses. Pretending. Like the stick with the head of the old, you know, like the children's horse. Like what a child would be on, but these are like teenage girls. And it's an actual event and there is a crowned champion right now. The hobby horse. It was just everywhere on TikTok. Whoa. So stupid.

Oh my God, the way you rode that was unbelievable. I take it back. I'm into it now. I'm all in. Oh, that's so hard. I would go in and do a full Christopher Reeves.

Yeah, there's no padding. They could just break their face. And you're a good jumper. Just go into gymnastics. You're already skilled. You were doing something real for a moment. Yeah. You know what's really happening here? There's some clitoral stimulation with that stick. Oh, maybe. That's what's really going on. These are just nerds rubbing their clams on the stick. That's the female sex robot. Yeah. Dude, this thing trips. Oh, this one's cool, too. Whoa, what the hell's this? This is for the military? Yeah.

I think the Indian military, they're checking to make sure that they are biological men. What? To enter the military. Grabbing their testicles. Yes. Making sure they're men. They don't want no... They're anti-trans, similar to somebody... Anti-transitional lenses. He's like, what's up with your balls? Nadav, do you like this one? Oh! You got Elliot paged.

I don't believe that there is anything that actually that guy just discovered other than he's just like, you should have bigger balls. I think that's what he's telling him. Like, your balls are kind of small. And that guy's like, I don't know what to do. I just, this is how I was made. Damn. Yeah, I don't think that's a chick. Why aren't your balls bigger? Dr. Smith?

Huh? You roll your testicles, you come back to me. And he's telling him some fucking voodoo bullshit. Like, every morning, you need to cook with some sage. Yeah. You drink honey. Are you drinking honey? He's like, no. Damn. Six eggs every day. Okay, here we go. How about you? Oh!

I'd get hard if somebody did that. Oh, yeah. I'd get Bollywood. Yeah. You'd go all E in finance on them, probably. There's no way there's anything legit happening. No. No way. You could just put a sack of marbles in there or something. A hacky sack. Guys, this is not America.

Whoa! No shit. Yeah, that chick rips, bro. I mean, this is like...

What the fuck? Well, we got to check for her balls. Yeah. Yeah. I would not participate in this shit with her. I feel like she would snap my neck in a second. I know. This is a fetish, though. Some guys like being beat up by women. Really? That's a big category. Oh, we know. There is a wonderful video we had a decade ago of a woman kicking a guy in the nuts. That was a little different. Similar. Yeah, that's a little different. But I like this idea. I thought this was pretty fun. That guy was bleeding. What? She was kicking the fucking shit out of him. Ugh.

And he was like, and then he was like, stand up, take more. And she was like, suffer. I want you to suffer. You know, it's cool. I like that chick.

Anyway, I thought this was pretty rad. That was pretty... I mean, I'm actually impressed with her skill set. Hell yeah, dog. She actually was... She wasn't just kicking him in the balls. Well, because like, you know, we were watching the latest Mission Impossible movie and there's these fight scenes with girls that weigh 90 pounds against Tom Cruise and you're like, no way, bro. Come on. No way, Jose. No thanks, Tom Hanks, but this chick, she can fuck you up. I mean, look at that. She can do it. Yeah, she just fucked that guy up. Yeah. She jumped up, took his ass...

That's pretty crazy, man. That's impressive. Yeah. Yeah, that's rad. But could she fight an MMA? I feel like they would just duck and then uppercut her. Fuck. It'd be fun to get her to think she could. Yeah. Have her walk right into that like, I'm ready. Right. Get paralyzed. And then her next video, she's like, I guess I wasn't ready. Yeah.

Oh, she had a knife, too. Tears? Dick. Are we doing tears? Oh, that looks like that's about to not. What a fucking dick. Yeah, she's just about to be like. Yeah, you fucking dick. She's had my hair done. I knew you'd like that, though. Oh.

She's not laughing. No. No. I could see you doing this to, like, your sister or something. You know what the funny thing was? My sister did this to me, like, not exactly this, on my 16th birthday, and I reacted very poorly. Did you get violent? I could see you getting violent. Well, the thing, though, I've had this happen to me, and the tin hurts. Yeah, yeah. Like, everybody's laughing. You're like, I just got hit in the face with a tin plate. Yeah, yeah. That sucks. I don't know. This is not even a prank. It's just, like, mean shit to do to somebody. You're like, what are you doing? I got, um...

She took cake and she put it in my face. I hate that shit. So I took it by the back of the head and I slammed her. And I was like, I was a pretty big 16-year-old. And I slammed her hard into the, she had like half the cake on her. She was like, what the fuck? And I was like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Whoa. Yeah, I didn't take it well at all. No. No.

I wasn't like, oh, there's cake on my face. Your mom's like, this party's ruined. It sucks. Is he retarded? It went sideways from there. The fun was over. Yeah, if someone did this to me, I'd be fucking livid. I mean, the thing is, I feel like you know who you can do that to. Yeah, yeah. And she knew that I don't think she...

if you would have asked her how will he react she'd be like oh he'll react well to that sure she knew that she was going to get hurt you know yeah but it's good there was no tiktok then you could just do that shit yeah that's true yeah you could hurt women back then yeah hear that Chris Brown man I am angry at you it's perfect there's Tommy on his birthday yeah there's my sister's face there's the cake yeah did you hurt yourself I don't know I love how he gets composed are you okay I'm okay

He actually might have a broken hand right now. I have a lot more to say to you, man. Big sanctimonious fellow. Tell him louder. You hurt me, man. You hurt me. Tell him how he hurt you. You hurt me because I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared. And I find out when you got a drink or two under your belt, you're the same old rotten shit that I've come across before. Tell him you're a rotten shit. You are a rotten shit, man.

big sanctimonious guy, big, all nice guy. And you're a shit. I love it. And I don't like you at all. You're putting the lid on again. What are you afraid you're going to do, Art? Tell him that you're afraid to let him have it. I'm afraid to let you have it. What'll happen if you do? Come on, Art, hit the shit out of this fucking creeper. How will you get it? Get him. There's more guys like you than there are of me. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Tell him what you think's going to happen.

I think even if I beat the hell out of you, it wouldn't help. Someone else and bigger would come along, do the same thing. I was so holding on for a racial slur. I know. I know. 70s. You know, isn't the thing too, though, that for years you think when you're younger too that they're like, oh, you're so upset, hit stuff. But then we learned that actually teaches your mind to...

hit something if you're upset. It kind of fires you up more than to process it and talk it out. You're not supposed to, like, hey, if you're upset, just go break things and punch. This is what they taught Will Smith. He was hitting the shit that you're lost, you're hopeless. There are always more guys like him. Is that what you're feeling? I feel that there are more guys like that, more guys like you around.

And there are me. Well, this is a really sad one to add in there. You got it. It's a roller coaster. It's always a roller coaster. You just never know how you're going to feel at the end of this. That's right, babe. Hobby horses to rage therapy in the 70s. Very good. A lot of range. A lot of range.

Have you ever went to a public bathroom and there was just shit all over the wall and you're like, how the hell did that get on there? Well, I have the answer for you because I was one of those people that splattered shit on the wall. So basically what had happened was I had went nine days without taking a shit and I was just going to keep going, you know, because I don't ever go to the doctor or anything. But I was at my mom's house. I was trying to walk up her stairs and I start crying because I'm in so much pain because there is so much crap in my body.

And she sees me and she's like, are you okay? And I said, well, I haven't taken a dump in over a week. So I think that it's starting to take a toll on me. And she was like, oh my God, that's really not good. I'm going to go get you a laxative. So she runs to the store and buys this laxative chocolate bar and brings it back. And I eat it. And about 30 minutes later, it hits me. I'm like, okay, I got to go. So I go and I sit in the toilet. And for the next four hours, I am there fighting for my life.

And later that afternoon, we have plans. We have this benefit to go to because someone in my family had passed away. They were trying to raise money for his funeral. So basically, I needed to wrap this up because I couldn't, you know, I would feel bad if I missed that. So after four hours of sitting on the toilet, I have like an hour left before we need to go to the benefit. And I'm like, okay. For that hour, I was like, I'm good. I think that every ounce of shit that was in my body is gone now. So I'm good to go.

So we go to the benefit and basically it's like where you buy a plate of food, sit down and eat whatever food. So that's what we do. And right after I get on eating, it hits me immediately. I have to go. So I sprint to the bathroom, barely make it. And I sit down on the toilet, but it doesn't matter because the shit just goes flying all over the wall, over the sink, all over the floor.

What? Excuse me. And I start panicking because this is like a one-person bathroom, and I'm like, I hope no one is outside waiting to come in here. Sure enough, I open the door. There's someone waiting outside, and I said, I'm so sorry. I had an accident in there. Please wait outside. Like, don't go in there. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get something to clean it up. And I run.

To my cousin, because she has children. And I'm like, hey, I need to use your baby wipes because I destroyed the bathroom in there. And she was like, okay, yeah, I can come help you. And I said, okay, thank you. We walk into the bathroom and she is like, oh, how are you? Are you good? Like, how are you still alive after this? Oh, wow. And I was like, you know what? Just, I don't need your judgment right now. Just, I'll clean it up myself. Show the shit. Oh, that'd be so cool. And I did, because I'm a good person like that, but...

Basically, don't ever go nine days without taking a shit. If you go more than three or four, contact a doctor or at least go get a laxative from the store because, guys, this was the worst experience of my life. That was really compelling, actually. Yeah. And you could see the whole thing in your head. I could see her spraying the walls. The thing, too, is when she was like, there's shit on the walls and on the sink. She literally fire-hosed shit all over a bathroom.

It's very cool. It could almost be like a weapon. Yeah. You don't have to stop. You're just like, I haven't shit in nine days, buddy. That's cool. Stay away. Do you think she took too many laxatives? Maybe she took more than the dose? It's nine days, though. It's nine. So she was loaded up. I mean, what's the longest any has gone record days without shitting before? Are you back to your old shitting schedule, or are you still going a long time now? I'd say it's probably a compromise in between both. It's somewhere in the middle now. How many days is average now?

Two or three. Two or three days without shitting. That's amazing. But it used to be much longer. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, there was that November where I literally just...

if I could do it for 30 days and did it. What? Yeah, it's not smart. 30 days? Yeah. He was typically going two weeks. He was shitting once every two weeks. How? That's fucking insane. I don't know. Whoa. But yeah. No, she's 100% right though and I learned that kind of younger when I learned what fiber was and what that does.

I didn't know. And I ate like a muffin that they said had a bunch of fiber in it. And I didn't really know. And yeah, I ended up at a, I think it was a Pollo Loco or something. And I, I mean, I just don't, I don't fucking go to the bathroom in public. I just don't.

You always show at home. Yeah, he's got like shit phobia stuff. One of those guys. Deep, deep problems. But so if I have to, I mean, it literally exploded out when I got into it. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because there's already so much pressure. So it wasn't logs, though. It was just like spray? It was spray. Oh, like a civil rights fire hose. Yeah, yeah. But yeah.

That one really hit home for Eni, yeah. Like, this is Eni right here. I'm falling on you haters. That's him right there. That's him. Oh, there you go. Yeah, but, I mean, long story short...

Yeah, there was just so much pressure that already gets put on from holding it for so long and then you mix that with fucking fiber and make it diarrhea and shit and it's exploding. It's exploding out loud. Wow, wild stuff. I felt bad. I felt really bad, but I didn't tell anybody. Luckily for me, I didn't get caught like her. That sucks. That's horrifying. It's like at a funeral event too, which is even worse. It's way worse. She just painted the place for sure.

You can tell she's honest. She's not full of shit. She's a sweet lady. I'm embarrassed to be a human being. See everybody fucking whining like bitches. I'm fucking embarrassed. But that's why it's easier for us. Because everybody is a fucking bitch. You know it in your own fucking lives.

I don't know anybody that's got any fucking balls. Truth. Preach. I mean, is he lying? That's Dan Pena. You know him? No, no. Oh, he does like this business coach stuff. And he'll be like, you're...

You're a fucking cunt. You're all a bunch of fuck. He does it at the seminars. Oh, nice. It's great. He's really fucking fantastic. I love it. We need this guy. He should be a resident. Yeah. I wonder if I can find him on here. He's so great. Dan Pena. He's dressed like a Dick Tracy villain. Well, he lives in a castle in Scotland with his wife. And he's a very wealthy man. And he teaches other men how to accumulate, or people, to accumulate wealth. He's very old school like this.

And we've loved him for years. He's just hanging out with losers, wasting your time with people that mean to you. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. Amen. That's one of your top, top three pieces. It is. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. You want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bums you hang around with.

Love him. Damn. It's the best. You're a cunt, Brian, not me. Old people saying cunt is fun. Oh, so good. Dan, you got the money. Yeah, I got a few, Bob, yeah. Okay, you support Trump? Yep, I was one of the first endorsers, public endorsers of President Trump. What are you guys going to do when our ocean level rises? Thank you for asking that question. I have the answer. Don't let me.

I have the answer. Let me finish. Thank you for the question. For the first time on earth, we're changing the gas. Now you're full of shit. Sit down. I'm going to answer you. Shut up and sit down. Sit down. Wow. Let's just take Florida, for example, which is one of the fastest growing condominium, beachfront condominiums on the planet.

In the prospectus when you invest, there should be, in the footnotes, if global warming is for real and water rises 10 feet, this investment you made is fuck all. Not one single investment prospectus written since 2000, this century, has alluded to global warming. Not one motherfucker. Okay.

This is the shit that people pay thousands of dollars to attend. Yeah, yeah. He's pretty hilarious like that. Yeah. That's fun stuff. He's a fun guy. I feel like that's your inner monologue. Yeah. That's what's going through your head while you're walking around Austin. That's totally true. Yeah. I just miss people being able to say crazy stuff, even if...

You don't agree with it? Yeah. Like, I don't care. Just say crazy stuff. Let's go back to those times, you know? You could just not like it. Right. I don't care. Yeah. You're allowed to hate shit. Do it. Yeah. You do you, bro. You are. Look, this was awesome. For people who have not yet checked it out, you need to check out Soup to Nuts, Mark Norman's new special on Netflix. Go see him live.

on the You Don't Say Tour. Get tickets at marknormancomedy.com. And of course, you can check out Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and his podcast, We Might Be Drunk with Sam Murill. I've done that podcast before. It's very fun. Thank you. Yeah, you're doing it all, man. Hey, thanks. Living the dream. You're killing it, dude. Appreciate it. Can't complain. Theater tours. You're doing the big stuff, man. Butt lift next. Butt lift. It's coming. Congratulations on everything. Thank you, man. Thank you for stopping in with us. Congrats, Mommy. Thank you. See you. We'll see you guys next time. Bye, Mommy.

This is a classic. This is a classic.

The unspoken internal monologue of every red-blooded heterosexual male. I lay eyes!

I'm coming to get that booty. You just watched your mom's house. Did you like it? Then watch another one. Watch our clips. I don't know. Check it out. Try it out. If you didn't like it, look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video, there's people getting hurt the way you like, or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody. Just look in these cubes, squares, whatever.