Tom's New Obsession w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 777
01:18:38 Share

A new show has just been announced in Chicago for 2025. I'm bringing my Come Together tour to the United Center in Chicago, Illinois on Saturday, March 1st, 2025. Get your tickets now with the pre-sale code TOMMY before the general on-sale this Friday. Plus, limited tickets for Cleveland on September 26th.

Buffalo on September 27th and Toronto on September 28th. Tickets and all upcoming tour dates at tomseguro.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. No hoops, no BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of

of a three month plan, I called them on it. Turns out, it really is that easy to get wireless for 15 bucks a month. We use Mint Mobile at the studio and I can personally attest to how easy it was to get set up with our unlimited plan. To get this new customer offer with your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com/mom. That's mintmobile.com/m-o-m.

Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash M-O-M. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Joining me as always is my lovely co-host, Christine.

All right. Thank you for, you look lovely. I can't wait to hear your input this episode. You've really been killing it the last few episodes. Joining me as a guest today is one of my absolute favorites. If you have not seen his special, you should check it out on Netflix. It's called Brian Simpson Live from the Mothership. You can get tickets to see him on tour at briansimpsoncomedy.com. It's Brian Simpson, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Baby face, Brian. The advice champ. The advice champ with a fresh shaved face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wild. It's a big mistake. I mean, now I can see the Marine. Now I see it. Before I didn't see it. Now I see it. Well, this is, this will actually not be acceptable. This is not acceptable because they're stubble. Yeah. Okay. So it was clean every day. Do they accept any, can you do anything? You can get a,

- A clearance to do something? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like if you have a skin condition or something? - Yeah, or a lot of black people have, they get the razor bumps, so they gotta get it, so a lot of the white dudes be pissed about it.

So white dudes can't do anything? Yeah, they get razor bumps. That's it? But they're just less likely to. Right. Because they don't have the thick. And then they can keep a clean cut beard or something? No, no, no. What? You can just get away with buzzing it instead of shaving it all the way to the skin. Oh, okay. There's no such thing as a mustache. Do certain branches allow it? Yeah, yeah. And I've seen special forces people. They always have shit. They're allowed to do whatever they fucking want to do. Because they're special forces? Yeah. Yeah. Because you're actually hurting people.

Yeah. Or whatever. I don't know what it is. That's a great trade-off. Because you are going to kill a lot of people, go ahead and grow a mustache. Right, right. I'm sure there's some other reason why they get to have a beard. Yeah. Because most of them have it. Yeah, most of them kind of look like dirtbags. You know, when you meet them, you're like, they're always kind of, I don't know, semi-disheveled.

Yeah, I don't know what that is. I mean, maybe this is about just living in the bush. One of the motherfuckers could just live in a tree, waiting on a shot. But you're doing this because you're regrowing. Right, I'm just starting over. I had COVID, and that shit, this new COVID, that shit lasts forever. Was it bad? It wasn't bad, because I started testing negative after like five days or whatever, but it took me two more weeks before I felt

You know, like all the soreness and all the phlegm and shit. Yeah. I just was like, I'm going to start all over. And I cut everything off. Okay. Well, how many times have you had COVID now? Like four. Isn't that crazy? It just keeps...

Oh, it's never going to go away. No. No, no. It's like the flu now. It's like the yearly flu, right? Yeah, it's going to keep coming back. But it's like it's not devastating anymore. No, not anymore. Well, this one actually turned into pneumonia for a lot of people. Oh, really? Oh, maybe it is. Because it was just a lot. Like, it took my body, like I said, a couple weeks to get all the shit out, all the damage. Really? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, but, you know, I'm an overweight smoker, so that...

that probably made it worse sure yeah but i mean you're better you're back i'm back i'm back baby and did you shave like as soon as you got over it is that when you did it yeah yeah nice yeah i was just like just get it away but that was a mistake and i'm basically by the way i'm joining you i need these like all the time now glasses yeah oh you didn't i didn't need any glasses for 40 years then like around 40 41 i started to be like looking at screens i'm like what's going on

Doing this face. Oh, yeah. And then I just put them on, you know, just to like look at a screen. I'm moving into my switch era. You know, you see the old people, they're like, wait a minute. Yeah. And they got a second pair just for...

You know? Yeah. I'm going to start having to carry two pairs. I do that sometimes, unless you wear your trans glasses. Oh, like the bifocals? Or the ones that they turn to sunglasses. Oh, these do that. Oh, yeah. They turn blue or whatever. Yeah, that's fucking tight, man. That shit don't last. Well, they look cool. It does look cool. Yeah, you're right. See? They're fucking cool. They're cool ass.

It looks cool. Yeah, it does. It does look cool. All right. I have so much to show you. So many things to ask you. We have people want your advice. There's all kinds of things. Let's fucking do it. Here's the opening clip. Oh, you should throw those on for the clips. Here we go. And... All right. You're running in private space.

Bruh. See, this is what I classify this as white-tivities. You know what I mean? All of these are white-tivities. Yeah, like this is because it's white anger. This is like to get the demons out. It's female anger camp. That's it.

They're like, aioli is just mayonnaise with seasonings. I know some girls that need to go to that shit, though. Yeah. They have one for guys. It's just the opening song. It'll end. It's only six minutes long. I thought somebody made a mistake. No, no, no. So this is a female. They have one for guys. It's really gay, and they say it's not. But this is...

just for women. Hold on, men do this too? Yes. Oh my God. It's fucking very embarrassing. So this is like those camps where the pussy ass dudes pay real men to teach them to be a man or whatever? Exactly, exactly.

And they're like, show me your inner warrior. And he's like, and he starts crying. And they're like, yeah, you did it. You're a man now. Yeah, you'll be a man in three days. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, those are super embarrassing to watch. Fuck, man. Yeah, but this is, I guess this one is just for chicks. And yeah, I feel afraid. Why are they taping this?

This is embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. They're hoping that I think taping this will get other women to sign up for it. That's what I think they're hoping for. Because this needs to be more of a sizzle reel. It needs to be quick cuts so you're not embarrassing nobody. I know, because the longer it lasts, you start to like, Jesus Christ. What's the word? Cringe. Cringe, yeah. It's like watching somebody bomb. You're just like, please wrap this up. Yeah, it's horrible. Oh, man.

We should send Christina here and tape it. She would not participate. No, she'd be miserable. There's no way. Wouldn't you? I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep talking about you like you're not here. Yeah, yeah, no. She would not like that. She would love to go and laugh at them, and then they'd be like, you can leave now. Yeah. The same way we would if we went to the men's camp. I feel sad. Do you have the men's one? What's that? That one is...

Where he's like, push me, push me. Yeah, let me pull it up. It's fucking so, so embarrassing. It's, yeah, they're...

I mean, I don't know. I guess, obviously, if someone's doing it, they feel like it's doing something for them. Do we have some testimonials? Like, does it work? They'll swear it does. Yeah, they talk about how they changed. They're less angry. Found themselves. And yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, look. I guess it's empowering in some way. Throw some mushrooms in there and we can talk. But I'm skeptical. If there's not no hallucinogens involved, I'm skeptical. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, because how can you change this from screaming in the woods? Mm hmm. You know, unless you like escaped a serial killer or something. Yeah. You know, that'll change a motherfucker. But just going out there and banging sticks on the ground with other white women. They do it like that. I'll tell you one of the camps that sounds cool. And I think it's it's really hard. It's kind of like some special forces guys put it on.

Where they go, we're going to take you out into the woods and put you through a dial-down Special Forces type of experience. So they're pushing you to your limits. See, there's no way I would do that. Well, I mean, it breaks you. It breaks people. Right, because those type of people...

love like they enjoy hurting people yeah they do so it's like i wouldn't that put myself in the care of special forces and the only people that thrive in those are people who like they eat it up they're like psychos yeah or they know there's the type of people that like to get like have a dominatrix yeah you like to be hurting and yeah like you know i'm sure it works but i but i would be i would i would be hesitant to trust a special forces person with like

treating me. And you're out in like the wilderness and the cold. And you completely dependent on them. Yeah. And they're like, you sleep outside today, Brian, you know, you sleep out of this tent. No, I'm, I'm comfortable being like 80% manly. Yeah. And you like blankets and shit. Yeah. You know what? If they did this shit in Compton,

Like if they went to like a black, like the hood and did this, I would be more convinced. Yeah. It was like, do it while you're actually scared. While you're scared. Yeah. Yes. Go do it under the bridge at like a homeless encampment. Well, here's the perfect transition. Here's somebody who says that, let's see, this person is a singer influencer who moved from Russia to Hollywood. And this is what she posted. My face when I see a black singer.

That's it. But it just feels very condescending. Wait a minute. What does she mean? She just feels inspired and happy when seeing a black singer. Okay. I think part of this has to definitely do with the fact that she's from Russia. And so you go like, she probably goes, you know,

to see black performers was like a foreign thing. So now she's like, they're here. Well, no, the weirdest thing about this clip to me is that it ain't no black people singing. I think that the lady right behind her that kind of waves when she turns, that lady was singing that waves. See? I think she just saw a black person and assumed... That she sings? To be fair, in middle school, I thought every black person could sing. She thinks that lady's Aretha Franklin.

yeah that's like at a restaurant right yeah that's just the maitre d she look how happy she is she's just like oh my god like oh he's magical black like she's yeah like she only read about black people in like yeah in fantasy novels or something exactly she knows like michael jackson and whitney houston she's like there's one right here they're real like the hobbits yeah that's pretty yeah yeah this is uh okay now here's a more let's see do you have her caption

That should be in the folder too. I mean, it's absolutely insane. Her caption? Yeah, the caption of that video. Oh. Oh, let me see. It's... What was her folder called? Oh, Inspire. My face when I see Black Singer. Oh, the caption, sorry. The caption... Oh, okay.

I've always been inspired by black women. Okay, so now it's just black women. Okay. Ten years ago, I began to study what jazz is and how it came to us. I fell in love with this music, the style. I've read books about gospel, blues, soul. I became a real fan. I watched movies about Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James, and other black women and listened to old Billie Holiday recordings. I've always felt a special energy in black women. It was as if black people, despite all the difficulties, enjoyed life more and thanked for it.

And it inspired me a lot. The race that was not accepted, they sing more cheerful songs, they believe in God. You know, Russian songs are almost always about suffering and consist only of minor chords. I didn't like our Russian vibe, and I admired the Americans, their fresh, cheerful motives, even for the most difficult situation. Let's remember, hit the road, Jack. I want to dance to this song. In addition to the cheerful melodies of lyrics and love of life, I was fascinated by the energy of African women. It's like they have super...

much energy and they're ready to charge the stadium i always learned that from them the audacity courage energy and now even adore lizzo beating her super powerful energy it's like they have so much power energy and freedom but to hear music from an african-american singer for the first time god it's like i got into a book from my childhood and this is real life i can't tell you how happy i was to wander into this restaurant today that's a lot that's a heavy fucking captioning

I don't know if she heard the recent Lizzo news. Which is? She's like canceled or whatever. Oh, she's done? Yeah, the internet turned on Lizzo. Why did they turn on her? Because I guess she was being mean to her dancers or something. Like she was being mean to her fat dancers. Yeah. She kind of just fell off. People are like, you're not nice.

I guess, but I don't know. Because I ain't never seen her be mean to nobody. I've just heard about her being mean. There's like story. I mean, that was kind of the thing that everybody, that was sort of the cancellation, so to speak, of Ellen, right? Everybody was like. She's mean? Yeah. They were like, oh, you know, you turn on the TV and she's like, I dance in the aisles. And then they're like, she's a fucking bitch. But you got to show me proof. Yeah. Nobody got a secret recording? I know. It's just like disgruntled and.

Yeah, because remember when they had Christian Bale yelling at that one guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That didn't affect him. No. I need to see Ellen. I don't want to see it. I want to hear it at least. Yeah. Yeah, but okay, so she likes black. Does she want black penis? That's what she really wants. I think so. She can't never go back to Russia after this. No. She's like, our music sucks. Black people are way better. Yeah, yeah. We only got minor chords. All our cuisine is gray. Yeah.

Yeah, she's very happy to just stumble into black people. Yeah, at least eat at the restaurant, bitch. She just walked in and was like, there's black people in there. Do we know what city this is? I don't know what city that was. Probably in New Orleans. Here's the opposite of what you expect from a white lady. That was in L.A. Wagwan, so I bought a fruit tree, mango tree to be exact, from Radha.

And two years, this tree, this mango tree just stand up in my yard and I take good, good space and now a beer. So this year, 2024, me have something on it. Look at this. So this is my mango tree from Rada. One mango, two mango. Well, technically people never lied. Tree small, but it's beer. But you did beer with only two mangoes there.

Now, interestingly enough. I have the weirdest erection right now. I know. It's kind of hot. One mongo, two mongo. So she's Russian, and she is married to a Jamaican. She lives in Jamaica, has kids in Jamaica, and has just all her English was learned in Jamaica. So this is like an authentic accent for her. So she wasn't raised in Jamaica? But I think she learned English there. Wow. Yeah.

It's hot. It is hot. Why? Why is that hot? It's fucking hot. One mango, two mango. Me plant me tree. And you're like, yeah. Yeah. Me dick get hard. Jamaican accent is slept on. God damn it. It's so, it's so, that's not the same lady, is it? No. Fuck no. Uh-uh. Yeah. Wow. This is, uh.

That's loaded though, right? It was uncomfortable for like two seconds. And it was like, cause I thought she was protect. I thought she was like doing that. Yeah. But no, this was great. That was great. That was pretty awesome. Um, that's how you show you. So somebody needs to send this to that first white lady and be like, this is how you appreciate the culture. Bitch, go to Jamaica and fuck one of them niggas. Plant a mango tree.

That's exactly how to appreciate culture. Don't wander into a restaurant with a black woman in the background and go, I love these mystical creatures. You know what I mean? That's exactly what she did. Yeah. She was like, oh my God, look, there's one right here.

Look at her. She's right fucking here. She's right. Like she found a dragon. Yeah. That is hilarious. Like seeing a baby tiger at the zoo. You're like, they're fucking out today. That's hilarious.

No summer is complete without a killer barbecue. Elevate your next cookout or get cooked whenever you want with Vaya. Vaya is the only lifestyle hemp brand. They use compounds found in hemp along with active plant extracts to create products, each with a specific effect in mind. Whether you want to get better sleep, ease anxiety, enhance your mood, or just get Vaya,

They have something for you. Viya gives you the freedom to blaze your own trail and get fully legal hemp and cannabis products discreetly shipped to your door in all 50 states. Their products range from 0 mg to 100 mg of THC. So these guys have you covered whether you're looking to microdose or enjoy more potent effects.

our very own niana is a huge huge fan and most mornings when she gets here she's all hemped out if you're 21 and older check out the link to via in our description and use the code ymh to receive 15 off after you purchase

They ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Unleash the green and live the American dream with Vaya. Does Bluetooth work? I mean, reach between your freaking legs and you tell me if you're asking that question, we want you to know that Bluetooth is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. Bluetooth

BlueChew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form. The process is simple. You sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. These things are amazing.

I love my BlueChew tablets. They make me hard all day. And I'm doing this ad right now with a full erection. And I want you to experience the full mass that you have. You have the potential to be as hard as anything on this as a diamond cutter. You just got to sign up with BlueChew. BlueChew wants men rock hard. They told me that's the mission.

We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Blue Chew free when you use our promo code YMH at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechew.com, promo code YMH to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

This person I'm going to show you, let me see here, is, this guy is black. This has nothing to do with being black. This is just my favorite find on Instagram. Chef Rain. Yeah. Also known as, aka Fancy Chef. Okay. So he's posting constantly all of his skills as a chef and is asking people, he's like, you need to book me. You got to book me. Is he just like...

sprinkling crushed hot cheetos on stuff it's fucking amazing this ain't better than the chinese it's just like it because i do it all chinese french asian greek scandinavian portuguese american seafood steaks chops you name it i do it bake fry everything you name it that's probably his best video that food doesn't look great nope and guess what it's not gonna get better oh wow

Okay, I'm going to do a beautiful dessert. Beautiful. Today I'm featuring my lemon drop cake. Lemon drop cake. My lemon drop cake. That's a pineapple, sir. My lemon drop cake. That's a champagne flute. All right. And he's putting... My lemon drop cake. It's going to go in. Wait a minute. All right. And I have the Cardi B... That is a piece of cake. Whips, cream. All right. It's nice. It's beautiful. I have it.

Beautiful, nice, I have it. Okay, this is terrible, so bad. Okay, it's all right. I've had dessert served in glasses. Yeah. He's not going to put champagne in there, right? No. Watch it, pay attention. It's time for the chef. Trying to take over. Look, look, look. Nice. Beautiful. This dude's like a little slow.

So go to his page because these aren't actually doing any justice to Fancy Chef. Okay. So scroll down, scroll down, scroll down. Okay. So like you see the middle one down, like hit that one. Okay.

Okay, that's a rack of lamb with fruit. Beautiful, beautiful. Look how beautiful, look how nice. Oh my God. I want you to book me now. You've never seen this before. There's a reason we haven't seen that before, sir. I got strawberry, I got honey.

He's got ranch in there with fruit, strawberries, ranch, and lamb. And he'll also, like, chastise you. He'll be like, no poor people. It's just $2,000 a dish. That's $2,000? Yeah. All right, close it out. Ah!

I have to know. And then he does a lot of things like that. He'll give us the Howard Dean screen. OK, let me help some of you people out. Forty years plus. I got in the kitchen. Forty. No one gave me this jacket. I earned everything. That jacket is insane. Also, the stars have ranks like he's a gentleman. Four years old. I've been in the kitchen 40 years plus.

Hours, decades, months, 16 hours, 14 hours. He's slow, right? He put months after decades. Eight hours, 12 hours in the kitchen. I worked every station you can imagine. Hours, months, decades, millennia. Okay. That's minutes. And it says like international chef, master chef, pastry chef, all kinds of shit on there. For that, for that, for the years. All right? For the years. For the years. The best is, all right, close that out. For the years and I'm proud.

Fancy Chef is posting. Sometimes he'll upload the same video three or four times. So he's a private chef? He don't have a restaurant nowhere? Oh, no, no, no. He'll also, if you scroll down, he does a lot of posts of just like, there's a lot of champagne flutes. There's a lot of strawberries. He loves strawberries. I don't know if that's strawberries. Yeah, okay. I see what's going on here.

Oh, sorry. That's got music. Don't start through that one. He'll... Because you got to know, you have to realize in the 70s, black people didn't get diagnosed with autism. Interesting. So this is the result of him just overcoming. Right. And making it to the... He was in the kitchen. He probably wasn't cooking. He was moving stuff or sniffing stuff. But he's been in the kitchen for 40 years and now...

Like, because the food, the food don't look gourmet. No. Right? No. But it don't look like about. And he has also has a series of demands. Like, you know what I mean? Have you? No. No, I haven't. But he like, I also watch where he's like, book me. You need to book me. Oh, this one. Okay. Where are you located? He's like, book me. I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia. Okay. I'm all booked up. All right.

That's my favorite one. Okay, but... No, take back everything I said. This is performance art. That's for about 12 people this evening. Okay, where are you located? I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia. Okay, I'm all booked up. So here's the thing. It is either the greatest fucking performance art troll of all time. He's a comic. Like, of all time. He's a comic. It's fantastic if it were that. I don't know that it is.

but I'd like to believe it is because it is amazing. Yeah. He's like, first of all, where are you? Oh, no, I'm booked up. I'm booked up. And that's after multiple posts. This is also like that store-bought cake, okay? He just got a cake from the grocery store and was like, check this shit out, man. He puts berries on it. Oh, man. So now, hold on. I'm going to follow this nigga. Oh, he's the best, dude. This is great.

This is him like at the mall in his chef attire. His name's Fancy Chef? Fancy Chef underscore. Look at him. He's at the mall right now in his outfit. French food, Spanish food, it doesn't matter.

I'm going to get it done. He wears the chef thing everywhere? Yeah, he's just out in public in that. 7-0-2-7-0-4-2-1-7-8-4. Give me a call. Don't hesitate and don't wait. I go on deep dives with this guy, sometimes for hours. You can ask Zolo. I send him about 40 videos a night. So it's fancychef2013. Yeah, fancy underscore chef underscore 2013. But what's the 2013 for? I have no idea. Also, the food that he posts, like...

That's something. What is that? What is the one right next to it? Oh, no, it's Fabulous Women. Oh, look at that. That's a masterpiece created by me, the master chef. I don't know what that is. The gourmet fancy chef. Is that thyme on top of it? Or mint sticks? And an ice cream cone. What a masterpiece by me. That's a masterpiece. I would actually try that probably. Like if you, if you, is that barbecue sauce? No. On a cheesecake? All right. He loves glasses.

He loves strawberries. I wonder how many Michelin stars he has. I think he says that he's like a 10-star Michelin. Yeah, I'm serious. By the way, those are the same video over and over and over. He's buying cologne today. Yeah, that's cool. And he posted that 14 times. Yeah. See, that's the same video. See, I can't.

I feel like this dude, he's either fucking with me. That's a store-bought cake also, by the way. That is a store-bought cake. He's like, look at this beautiful cake. Straight from fucking Ralph's. Wait, Tom, how do you know he didn't make that? I know he didn't make that, dude. He's never shown. The only thing he'll ever show you is dropping pineapple into a cup. He's never shown you, actually. Right, right. This is him, by the way, walking through businesses.

He's just walking through a restaurant. So, no permission? No! People don't realize who it is yet. They're like, oh, it's the chef, I guess. Yeah, I cook, but I'm not a chef by any way, shape, or form. No, I've cooked. I've done the food service stuff. I know my way around the kitchen. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's just going through like, I'm the chef here. He doesn't work there, dude. Now I'm full-on addicted. Right.

And here's the other side of maybe is this performance art or maybe it's a deep level autism is that he has like seven phone numbers and sometimes he's like book me 50327. It gives you like five phone numbers. What is that? What is he cooking right there? What is that? Yeah, I guess you're right. What the fuck is that?

Oh, man. This man went to the ice cream truck. If it ain't fancy and fabulous, then it ain't me. Listen to me. Look at that dessert. Listen to me real good. How could you go wrong? Look at the elements. Look at the key capons I put in it. You got watermelon, right? You got my muffin cake, right? You got peanut butter. Then you got my ice cream. Hold up. Hold up.

You telling me that's not spectacular? That's a bomb in your mouth. That's an explosion waiting to happen. That's a bomb, an exclusive bomb by me to show. And see, here's the other thing. He's saying this shit with extreme confidence, right? Yeah, but like you said, I haven't actually seen him make anything. Yeah, no, you didn't.

I mean, he's shown a few things that you're like, oh boy. No, but it's like, you know how like the, because the chefs, a lot of the chefs I follow. Yeah. They'll like show you from scratch and they do the quick cuts. Of course. They're chopping shit. Yes. They're mixing shit. Add this, add that. Yes. I haven't seen him actually make nothing. There's one where he made burgers that I wish. That's just a plate of strawberries. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, he's the king of strawberries. And again, another, another thing from the ice cream truck. Mm-hmm. Well, okay. So this. It's either the greatest performance of all time. Or he's like.

He's one of those functional retarded people. Yes, 100%. He's just enough where he can live on his own. Now, here's an interesting thing because we skipped over it. His daughter made an appearance in one of these. He got kids. And she's like 10 or something. She's like, oh, my dad made this. I'm going to try it. And she's like, oh, this is really good. Like a sweet, nice girl. Yeah.

Cheat days aside, what I put in my body matters to me and I want to fuel it with the best stuff out there. Our next sponsor, Orgain, makes it so easy to do just that. Orgain is the leader in real protein-powered nutrition that understands that being good for you doesn't have to taste bad. Orgain's founder, Dr. Andrew Abraham, believes that real nutrition has the power to make a difference

in people's lives. Abraham left his medical practice and founded Orgain to create foods and beverages that offer better nutrition for people everywhere. This stuff really is delicious. This is 30 grams of protein in a shake that doesn't taste all cakey and powdery. It's actually a delicious tasting beverage and you're getting a great boost in protein. Orgain's brand new 30 gram protein

Shakes offer protein-packed real nutrition designed to satisfy your cravings without all the sugar. Their new protein shakes are an excellent source of complete protein with all nine essential amino acids. Orgain 30-gram protein shakes are available at Costco and orgain.com. If you want to get in on the delicious protein-packed nutrition today, head to orgain.com slash YMH and use code YMH for 20% off your order. Once again, that's

O-R-G-A-I-N.com backslash YMH for 20% off and make sure you use our promo code YMH so they know I sent you. Finding the right engagement ring for the special someone can be terrifying. You want the ring to be absolutely perfect for your sake.

and hers. There's so many considerations, budget, something ethically sourced, shipping and returns. For anyone on that journey right now, I recommend BlueNile.com. Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find anywhere else. They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds

and jewelry, and they don't want to spoil your surprise. So don't worry. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight.

Now's the time to find a ring you'll keep forever. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds and use code YOURMOM for $50 off your purchase of $500 or more at BlueNile.com. That's $50 off with the code YOURMOM at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Yeah. But it makes you, I want to know, I want to see the mother. I'm like, what type of bitch let this dude...

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. Hold on. Oh, he also loves crab legs. I don't know if there's any right there, but he does crab legs sometimes. No. And there is a... Man, the time that he made burgers... Like I said, the reason the food... You know what it is? The reason the food doesn't look half bad is because he buys shit from the store. Okay, far left, far left. That's a store-bought cake. That's a store-bought cake, dude. No, Tom. I think all this shit is bought. Yeah. And that's a different phone number. So he's just... Look at the first comment. He bought that cake. What?

Is he replying to people? Sometimes, not often. There's his daughter, see? She's right by. He was just showing you. Yeah.

See if you can scroll down. I bet you if you locked him. No, see, he went somewhere and bought all that stuff. I bet if you locked him in a kitchen with raw ingredients and he had to come face to face with the fact that he wasn't actually a chef, it would break him. Oh, yeah, he would crumble. Absolutely. There's one where burgers are on a griddle that is horrifying.

I don't know. Look at that. That's more fruit in a cup, dude. Go up a little bit more. Click on that. No, no, no. Right there at the top left with the chicken, the raw chicken. Let me see that. He's actually making something. That's a crazy amount. He's adding the flour to the chicken while it's in the pan.

Fresh garlic. I don't know. Is that garlic powder? That's going to be intense, bro. Yeah, go to the next video. Let's see the result. He's still adding shit. Oh, man. All right, good. Lemon pep, I want you to book me. Book me now. There's no way. And see how it's always book me? Just book me. Book me now. Book me. Give me a call. But what's bothering me is like, it's not sizzling or nothing. No, I know. I actually like to use fresh garlic. Is that in a slow cooker? No.

I think that's what we call him. He's not a chef, he's a slow cook. See if you can keep scrolling down. I know he posts, he's one of those people that posts like fucking 45 times a day. Yeah, and he's like, I got nothing to post, I'll post what I posted yesterday. Yeah, it's fruit, there's fruit, fruit in a bowl, fruit in a cup, fruit on a cake, fruit in a champagne flute. I think I want to make a compilation of him walking through other people's restaurants. Oh, it's the best, right? Wait, wait, wait. Go back up. Are those the burgers? No. No.

Man, his burger one is so crazy. Okay, that's store-bought smoked sausage. Mm-hmm. More fruit in a glass. There's fucking blueberries in a glass right there. There it is. Those are burgers. Look at that, bro. That doesn't look good. He added caviar to the burgers. Look at them.

Those look like meatballs. I'm going to put caviar on them. It looks like he's cooking them on a marble slab, but that's just a dirty caviar. It's dirty. Man, this is fascinating. It is fascinating. That's why I've been obsessed with this, man. And he's in Miami, it says. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. That's crap, sir. Hey, can we view that hidden comment? You get that from the grocery store. I got me...

White wine butter dog sauce here. Can we try calling him real quick? Oh, man. To say what? Let's just see if he's available. When I open Skype? Yeah, Skype or FaceTime. Let's see. It says sign in. Hold on. Yeah, this was only two weeks ago, so that number should be good. Sign in, email. Here, I can also grab the studio phone. You just put it up to the... Oh, yeah, perfect. Perfect.

Yeah, let's just see if he answers. Just call him from your room. No, don't do that. Because I just feel like he's going to be... I wonder how much it would cost to book him. I know. I don't... How many people should I ask to book for? Just a dinner party? Yeah, like 10. 10 people? Me, you, Christina, Joe. Yeah. His wife. Austin. Hey, can you come to Austin? Yeah.

He also, sometimes he's like, you pay airfare, you pay hotel. He just posted a video. He's like, you have to have the shit to cook with. You better get good pans. Oh, you gotta have the, wow, dude. Yeah. You gotta have the seasonings. Yeah. Right. All right. Just try this one. Is that the number? Yeah. All right, here we go. Let's see if he answers. Book, it says Book Fanny. I think he means fancy. Oh, Book Fancy. Okay, gotcha. Right now he's like, you should buy this from me. Well, yeah, his green name is Fancy Chef. His name on the thing is Fabulous Chef.

And then he keeps calling himself Master Chef. He's like, you get one superlative, bro. Yeah, exactly, right? Yeah, he's not going to answer. He's all booked up, man. God, we got to get him here, dude. This man is literally... By the way, if we do get a hold of him, you can tell him that we will pay the fee, the airfare, the hotel, and we'll set it all. Yeah, yeah.

Would you eat his food if he cooks for you? Fuck no. No, absolutely not. No, but I'll like, you know, I'll promote it. I mean, I would eat. I would have to try it. I would try it. I would have to know what grocery store he got it from because I would eat grocery. You know? Yeah.

He might just go get like a rotisserie chicken from the store and be like, here's the chicken I made. I think that's what he's doing here. He's buying food, already made food, and he's making it look like he just cooked it. What is he doing with that pot right there? Is that just showing you a pot? He's just showing you an empty pot. Like, hey, this is a beautiful pot. You should get one of these. Let crew set. Is that top notch? Yeah, that's a nice one. That's very nice. Okay.

This dude was injured. This is some kind of settlement. He was injured. It made him a little retarded. He was injured in some kind of... And he took a fascination with the chef world. Yeah. This is very, very... It's very heavy. It holds heat.

All right? It holds heat. Yeah. This is cast iron enamel. This is very heavy. Well, he knows that. Holiday time comes, you will get this. You will get this. This will be on sale. It'll be cheaper than it is now. You absolutely want this. This pen right here. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wait a minute. This man is in a store. Yeah. I...

This is the most fascinating shit I've ever seen. When you want to see. Chef wants you to have this for when I come home. Bro, you know what this is? This is the chef equivalent of like when your mother makes you let your cousin or your little brother play, but you don't plug the controller in. You just give them one. Yeah. Like that's what his family has to be doing with him. Anyway, this is the best find of the year. Fantastic.

fancy chef is the best yeah this is crazy and we have to book fancy chef even by the way you can even offer him if you get in touch with him that we want just to interview and we'll pay him to interview him we'll get him in here okay yeah dude i wonder if he takes crypto he would probably have the craziest list of demands oh yeah yeah it's gonna be real crazy

Just walks in the room with his dick in a flute, in a wine flute. And berries on it. Here's my dick in a flute. Oh, shit. Look at this beautiful, beautiful strawberries on my dick. Beautiful berries on my dick. Man, that is the most bizarre thing I've seen in a long time. Yeah, it's incredible. And I watched a whole...

midget badminton match yesterday. Really? Yeah. How was that? Me Olympics. It was incredible. Oh, in the Paralympics? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, they was getting down, bro. You don't realize some of these motherfuckers are real athletes. Well, yeah, because they're just compact. Yeah. You know? And I'm talking like diving saves and all that type of shit. No shit. Is it one-on-one or two-on-two? Well, it's half-on-half. Half-on-half, yeah. No, it was one-on-one, yeah. It is? Yeah.

Yeah, it was great. Do you like college football, by the way? I mean, not really. I don't follow it, but I watch the competitive shit. I watch the Colorado thing. I got to do that. That's like my black duty. It is a black duty, isn't it? It kind of is, yeah. I support Deion, Coach Prime. Coach Prime? But other than that, I don't really follow it. It's so funny that it's like a cultural thing now to follow it.

Oh, yeah. That's the only reason I tuned into the women's championship with the Andrew Reeves, Caitlin Clark thing. I'm like, well, it's my racial duty. I got to tune in. Yeah, all of America when Prime got that job was like every black person. Everybody went to the racial lines. Some people don't, but most people do, and they don't want to admit it. Well, white people don't like to admit this stuff is racial. Right. But, yeah, it was. Kind of, right? Yeah. Have you ever seen a Colorado Buffaloes game before? No.

two years ago. I mean, I have, but I love college football. Right, but I haven't. Nor would I. Yeah. Right? So it's like, and I watch him now. I'm a big fan of his though. I mean, I get it.

Everybody loves Deion. I mean, I got to do a podcast with him. Really? Yeah, a couple years ago when he was coaching at Jackson State. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. If Deion says it's going to be dope, he's never lying. No, no. It was awesome. I got to go to the Alabama game over the weekend. Really? Yeah, because we had a show in Tuscaloosa. Did you walk out the tunnel with the team? I didn't walk out the tunnel, but I got the field pass. I got field access. Oh, wow. So I got to stand on the sidelines. You have to pay for that, or is it just like a celebrity thing? No, I got hooked up with it. Oh, okay. It was unbelievable, dude. Wow.

College sports is a whole other level. People who don't, I try to tell people too that are NFL diehards. Like I get it. NFL is, it's the best football players for sure. There's no question about it. It's the best, you know, those are the best players. But the atmosphere of college ball is just, it's unparalleled. It's unmatched. Because people have to understand like that's the same age that they like,

trick people into the military. So it's like, it's easy to make you be enthused about nothing. You know what I mean? Pageantry though. Yeah. There was a hundred thousand plus people going fucking crazy in a beautiful, I mean, beautiful stadium. And that's what you expect. I very briefly went to Oregon state. Yeah. And I remember going through all the beavers. Yeah. The beavers. Yeah. And I remember they were literally playing a rival. They were playing Washington and,

And I, and I, and I from angle my way into the game, I'm sitting in front of the band. Yeah. Right. They score the beaver score touchdown right in front of us. And the band gets lit and I'm like, they lit with them. And everybody around me is just sitting there like,

Yeah. And I was like, fuck this school. Like, yeah, because I guess that school isn't a big sports place. It's more like the nerds where the nerds go. But it was like, no, it was none of what I expected. It was my only college experience. Really? And it was just not, it wasn't that. We should go to a, would you go to a UT game? Of course, yeah. We should go to a UT game. Yeah, I'll go to a UT game.

I would love to go check. I haven't been to one. And they're great. Now they got Archie Manning now. I was supposed to go a couple years ago and it was like, it's always tough because we work Saturdays usually. Right, right. But we could find one. And it's tough because here's the thing, if you don't...

support your local college teams, then you just end up mad every time. Because then they're just traffic to you. Right. You know? If you don't participate, then you just get irritated. Participate is exciting. You're right. Yeah. And you want to actually, the best part of sports is if you can actually get yourself to get emotionally attached. Because then you get the ups and the downs. See, I emotionally detached. I was a Washington Redskins fan.

And I had the Sean Taylor died and that fucked me up for a little while. Then we got RG3 and it was like, oh shit, like his rookie season. Maybe finally help. And then they ruined that. And then we found out that the owner was like, you know, prostituting the cheerleaders and like selling us.

expired peanuts and all this other shit. It just fucked me up. He was like, it's pretty well documented. He was like the least likable, biggest piece of shit type of owner. Yeah, I think he was the most hated owner. That was Dan Snyder. In pro sports, Dan Snyder. And now he's not the owner, right? No, they sold the team to...

I forget the guy's name. He was forced to sell the team. Yeah, everybody hated him. Well, if he didn't sell, like the lawsuit they were under, if he didn't sell the team, he was going to have to open up the books. It's also shitty that you can tell there's owners who actually don't give a fuck about winning. For them, it's just like another business transaction. So they're like, okay, there's TV rights money, our

Are tickets selling to the game? Merchandise? They just look at it as the columns, plus and losses. You know what I mean? And they just go like, oh, we're doing transactions. That's all I care. I care that this is a business that earns revenue, but they don't care about winning. That sucks. Their goal is to, some of them, they want to fool the fans into thinking that this is the year so that you'll buy shit. Yeah, of course. And then they don't. He's one of those guys. He doesn't care about winning. Yeah.

Which sucks. No, not at all. You got to have like owners that are successful. He'll sign a big name to get you excited. I mean, he signed Deion when the toe was gone. That's right. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Adam Archuleta, Albert Hainsworth. Hainsworth. Lunatic. Yeah. If you list like the top 20...

worst free agency signings, Washington has like three of them. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Because he always, he signed people at the tail ends of their career, give them big money. Yeah, just big names. Just big names to sell tickets. Yeah. Not to actually. He would sign Peyton Manning right now. Yeah. Just because a lot of the fan base is dumb enough to be like, oh shit, we got Peyton. We're coming back. Yeah. What is this? How do you eat your, whoa, what? No, God, no.

He didn't really do that. Guys, come on. I can't do fluids. Yeah, that's a gross. What is this story? Who is this? This was one of the ones you sent me. So I think he's like trying to show that he like eats his shit, but he like cuts to black because he can't really show it. Oh, right. I don't know if he's actually really doing it, but it's a cool video. There's no way he's doing it. There's no way he's enjoying it.

It didn't look like he was enjoying it. Why does he do it? Is this a fetish or is this a dare or what? Usually the fetish people smile more, you know, they get really into it. Well, usually the fetish people want other people's shit. Yeah. What's going on here? This dude is, was this on the gram? Yeah.

Yeah, so he gives some more info in this caption. Okay, so this is me a while back when, in fact, I ate my own shit. And this is how it looks. I edited out the actual shit. This is the first video of what I hoped to be many more. Eating your own shit isn't something you just do for fun. It was necessary for me to do at the moment. Anyway, follow me for more content. As said, I'd love to tell you the backstory about this incident. I promised it almost out of this world, but batshit crazy. No, I'm reporting this account.

This is racism and anti-Semitism and homophobia. Arv V. Della. I don't know what the fuck's going on. This is how you do it. This man got two posts. He probably did. Yeah, he probably did. He's a sick man. Yeah, bro, because this is so crazy. This is a wild thing to do for a titch. This ain't going to get you no bitches or nothing. Nothing. No friends. Bitches are going to run.

Yeah, this is wild. 400 followers. That's too many. Too many for him. Yeah, I just reported him. He's gross. I want him to be deported. Yeah. I don't like this at all. This man is shitty. The shit eaters are the worst, dude. Yeah, like, hey, you know what I'm saying? Give me Fancy Chef all day. All day. Yeah, all day. I would rather eat Fancy Chef's food than watch him eat anything. I totally agree, actually. I totally agree. I would like a documentary on Fancy Chef. Yeah.

When we do the heavy segment, the shit-eating videos are the ones that I could not tolerate. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't do the excrement, bro. No. Oh, my God. Let's transition to this because people have questions. Just imagine. All right, here you go.

I have an important question I'd like to ask you guys regarding dirty talk in the bedroom. Oh, advice champ. I currently have a friend with benefits situation with a guy whom I've known for a few months now. I enjoy doing the dirty thing with him. He goes down, plays with my milk jugs, respects my wishes.

Doesn't blow loads on my face. But one thing about the sex irks me. He talks dirty in the worst possible way. Not only is his voice dopey and annoying, he uses a porn-esque tone and says the weirdest shit like, damn, you're so good at head. You must have done this a lot before, you little slut.

I don't know how to address this. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know if I can give up that good D, but it's awful to hear and makes me want to exchange him for a cool guy. Please help. Love you guys. Kaylee. I mean, you can't have it all. Kaylee.

That's kind of... Yeah, good dick is hard to find. You're complaining about nothing. That dirty talk sounds decent. Because here's what's going to happen. If she brings it up and you go, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, the performance is going to change. He's going to get in his head. Right. And you're not going to get the D you were getting. Right. All you got to do is just tell him...

what you want him to say, but don't tell him that you got a problem with what he's saying already. You know what it's like? It's like when you're watching football and one of the guys has to talk a lot of shit to play his game. And you're like, why is this guy boast so much? Why is he so cocky? You're like, that's how he plays. Right. You got to accept it. See, that's the problem with some of these hoes. See, what's your name, Kaylee? You're the type of bitch that...

That will have 90% of what you want and be miserable because it's not 100. You know what I mean? You're the type of bitch that you invite 100 people to your birthday party, 80 of them show up, and instead of having a good time with your 80 friends, you're like, where are the other 20 people? Yeah, exactly. It ain't going to be perfect. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because the thing is, you say if he fucking you good and it's enough, will you enjoy in the sex? Yeah.

Then you have to deal with that little piece that you don't like. Yeah. Just do what you've been doing. Ignore it. Because I guarantee you, listen, the YMH forums is full of mad niggas that will talk dirty to you perfectly and fuck you badly. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Jeans low and loose like a motherfucker. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I think that's, you're spot on. You just, Kaylee, you just have to accept that there's one part of this thing that you're not into. Right. But you're liking the other stuff. Just roll with it. That's the thing. You could be dating this motherfucker. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? The shit eating guy. Yeah. Who's like perfectly saying what you want him to say. Yeah, just enjoy the dick. And it sounds like it's not going to be long term anyway. Just get the dick and you'll have a good story to tell later. You know, in 20 years you're going to be at a campfire with your other divorced friends. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, girl, this one time, this dude, he fucked me good, but he used to say the weirdest shit. You have a good story to tell. It's a story. Exactly. This isn't your future husband. Right. It's just a guy you're fucking for right now. Here's another one that came in. It says, I just got, dear mommies, I just got engaged. I've never been happier.

Although there is an issue I have. My fiance and I are not making as many premarital loves as we used to. We really are a match made in FedSmokers fund van. We had an amazing sex life. Example, one night after 18 months of dating, she had casually asked if I would lick her scrum. For the record, I ate that booty many times and we've both become huge fans. But now for the issue at hand, the thing is,

My future bride has been way more hesitant to engage in having sex the last few months. I know it's because her mother had recently been giving her shit about her weight. My fiance used to be a cheerleader in college and naturally at 30, she is not in the same shape she used to be. Lately, instead of the early days of jumping into bed whenever we felt excited, she now has an entire buildup and pre-preparation ritual to our marital love situations.

How do I get her to be more spontaneous like she used to be? I want her to feel sexy. I never have the lingering idea that her weight makes her less sexy in my eyes. She makes my jeans the highest and tightest. And I would love, I would just be another cool guy on TikTok if it wasn't for her. I need your help. Much love, Campbell. Give her compliments, nigga. It's not like, like if you want her to feel sexy, like convince her. Make her sexy. Yeah, tell her she's sexy all the time. Every time you see her. Every time you think it.

That's all I can think of. And also, look, push comes to shove, you're going to have to grab her mother by the throat. Hey, bitch, you're going to stop fucking with her self-esteem. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because it's fucking what I'll sex life. Exactly. You know what I mean? Like, if I was you, you're just going to have to deal with the fact that you're not going to be cool with her mom. But I would just shit on her mother. Anytime her mother say some shit to her, I would fucking...

I would roast her mother to no end. Point out how ugly her mom is to her. Yeah. And how fat she is and gross she is. Yeah, fuck her stupid ass mom. Seriously, unless her dad's scary. But Brian's right. I mean, you do just have to compliment the shit out of her. Yeah, compliment her, defend her.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Tell her how beautiful she looks. Yeah. And then, and then here's another thing too. I think you should like, make sure you like touch them areas. She insecure about like when you fucking grab that stomach, hold on to that motherfucker. Yeah. I love this. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like don't be repulsed by any of it. Like her whole body. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? That's the fucking best advice. Yeah. He's the advice champ for a reason. Um, there,

There you go, Campbell. You know what to do. Here is a video. There's a few here. You just tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious. Oh, that's perfect. That was perfect, right? I love seeing somebody fall down the stairs. I don't know why. Right. And we avoided brain damage. It was just a fun fall. Well, his dumb ass was trying to save his drink, too. Yeah. Yeah. It would have been cool if he had saved the drink. Oof. Oof.

Boy, that was real close. And you know this video continues, by the way. Can you imagine if you got killed by a liquid death? He had a liquid death in his hand. If he had landed like this. And just snaps his own neck. Oh, man. This is when you walk away fast, too, when you're so humiliated. You're like, all right. And you just keep walking. Yeah, like it doesn't even hurt right then. It's going to hurt later, like 10 steps later. The adrenaline is spiking right now. Oh, no. Somebody's lighting something. There's two of them. Okay, I don't even know what's going on. Oh, my God, dude.

See, go back to the beginning of the video. See, when the video starts... It's on this other guy. Right, I'm thinking... I think he's lighting something. That's what I thought. Like he was lighting... Oh, that other guy's lighting something. Like a firecracker. But I think there's one in here. Maybe they have a few of them going. My God, what are you doing? Holy shit. What'd he put in there? A fucking M-80? Fireworks. I don't know what kind. Dude, that blew the thing to... And what's wild is like his feet wasn't even situated in a way where it was going...

I think he basically ripped... He tore his fucking Achilles. That was bad. They were too low. Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. You deserved every fucking bit of that. That was so much bigger than I thought it was going to be. You know what I love about some of these videos? My favorite YMH videos are the ones where...

I get to judge the person in such a way where I don't have to be concerned about them. Yeah. So then I get to be like, I get to enjoy it. Yeah. I know they deserve it. They deserve it. Exactly. They did this shit to amuse them. Like, oh, this will be fun. Like the guy getting crushed by the car. That's funny because I'm like, you shouldn't be standing right there. You shouldn't be standing. Yeah. This guy put fireworks in the dryer. Yeah. On purpose. And was like, I'll put my legs up against it. It'll be fun. That's wild, nigga. Now you're going to be hanging your new legs outside the dryer. Yeah.

Oh, this is going to suck. On a rock climbing wall. Okay. Okay. Oh, you heard the crunch. I think somebody added that crunch in. My God, Tom. Yeah. It feels like the universe wants you to bang this woman. I know. Her arm is bent the same way yours was. It's the same. Have y'all did a side by side?

with this video? We haven't, but that's a great idea. Yeah, God! We should do a nice mashup and then do hearts over it. Oh, shit. Jesus. Oh, shit. Damn. And here's the crazy thing. That's not that far of a fall. Ooh! You know what I mean? Like, that's not... I like how you got it frozen on that frame. It's... But she fell, like... How far is that, you think? I'm gonna say that's probably 10 feet. Oh, you think? Okay. Oh, shit! Bitch!

Ah, that shit. I can't even imagine it. Because how do you... What I don't get is how do you... This is why it's important to teach your kids how to fall. Like when you fall on shit. Because you shouldn't get hurt like this. Yeah. No. Because why did you put your arm behind you? It's so fast. It's your instinct. Yeah. Yeah, you got to land on the shoulder, baby. Yeah, that's... Goddamn, bitch. Oh, man. Yeah, that sucked a lot. Man. Because you know like your shit ain't... Like that...

That's more than just a cast. That's going to be like a year and a half of recovery. Oh, yeah. Therapy. That's that. You know what I'm saying? She could have nerve damage. Yeah. Yeah, I bet you her. She's not feeling sexy either, man. Mm-mm. She's going to have to go see an orthopedic maybe like this guy. And her mouth is open. Oh, my God. Boggy. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Thanks, Doc.

What the fuck? Just, you know, you go to the doctor and you're like, my leg hurts. Can we get a translation for that? What does that say? Here it is. The writing translates to, for those who have broken bones cases, this is the most effective treatment. They wrote that. Oh my God, bro.

I bet you him and the chef are in the same club. You think so? He's like, I'm a doctor. We all make believe experts. In this village, they're like, who do we go see if we have a bone injury? It's like the League of Ordinary Gentlemen. Gary. Go see Gary, man. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I almost want to take those screams and remix them. The tone was... That is excruciating. He did not fix that leg. There's no way. I got new pain. The old pain doesn't feel like it. I got some new pain. You just shattered whatever was... Fuck, he just hammered that shit with a literal mallet. Like a metal mallet. No anesthesia? What is he doing right now? Is he sucking out the poison? What is he doing?

No, dude. He's just checking in. What country is this? I wish I knew. That's not India. No, that's Singapore? I don't know. I don't know where that is. Indonesia. Oh, Indonesia. Okay, right. Definitely. But don't they got universal health care over there? Yeah, but why go to the fucking mainstream medicine place? You can go see this guy. Right. You know? It's like hammer time. You can't show up at my house. No.

My God, lady. One more time. Yeah. Here we go. Got it? I got you, bro. Right here? There you go. She was harmonizing until the last couple of hits. He's listening for a frat. You put my ear up to it? Bro, you know what, man? I guess I don't understand how these con men thrive. Yeah. But...

I guess it's more fools than... I don't know, man. I don't know how you let a motherfucker do that to you. Yeah. No. No, I would never. And the whole family there participating. Yeah. And they have no expression, by the way. You notice that? When they're holding him down, they're like... Yeah. He probably told them like, oh, that's a demon in your knee, bitch. Yeah.

I'm going to get the steaming out of your legs. I got to exercise this bitch's calf. Like she went to a real doctor. He was like, you need to get more exercise. Oh yeah, no, I'm going to do it. I do exercise. I got, I got to take a quick leak. We got to take a break real quick. And we are back. I had to pee. It was awesome. Um, here's another, I helped. You did help. It was thank, thank you for that. Uh, here's a cool guy. This guy's pretty cool.

Oh, fuck. This one's going to suck. You can do anything you put your mind to, and I think I can do this. No, no, guy. No, guy. Oh, man. Just so bad for you, bro. Bitches. Yeah, that guy works hard. You can tell, you know? Yeah, yeah. He puts in his hours. Yeah, he definitely don't get good sleep, you know? That was the whole, basically the whole bottle. Yeah, man, that's...

Like, what's that going to do to his body? Do we got any follow-ups with this? I don't think we... We don't have any more information, unfortunately. Yeah, bro, you just gave yourself alcohol poisoning. Yeah, that was Crown Royal in under 10 seconds, an entire... That was a fifth of Crown, right? Yeah, man, you...

It makes my stomach turn. I mean, but it also looks like where he is, like women are impressed by that. Just by like the yard? He's like, I just love a man with oil on his shirt and fatty liver disease. Yeah, and a couple broken down vehicles in the yard that he's tinkering with. Right, right. I do a lot of tinkering. These things will be up and running in no time. He immediately started talking to the bitches right when he was done? Yeah. He's like, bitches. Yeah, this thing is incredible.

Fucking A, dude. That actually makes my stomach jump. I'm like, oh. Yeah, I'd be his friend.

Trans women getting pregnant is not as far off as you'd think. In the past 10 years, 50 babies have been born from a uterus transplant. How this works is a person with a damaged or missing uterus gets a new uterus. Then they get pregnant. Then they give birth to a child via C-section. The implanted uterus is then removed so that the person doesn't need to be on anti-rejection meds for the rest of their life. So far, these implants have only been attempted on cis women. But

There's nothing that says it couldn't work on a trans woman.

But you could just pay a bitch to carry your baby. Yeah, but I guess they want the full experience, you know? After all, my hormone levels are pretty similar to a cisgender woman. So why not? The main thing in the way is that the science is new, so there aren't enough surgeons out there to do the testing. So it's less about if we can do it and more about when we can do it. I think it's more about if you should do it. Yeah, I mean, also...

I'm not a doctor, but it feels like putting a uterus into a biological male's body is going to have all types of disruptions. Look, do whatever you want to do with your body. But what I don't understand is, because the trans influencers...

They always, it's like, if you're going to go through all the transition of like transitioning from a man to a woman, right? Straight downgrade.

Why would you, why do you want all the worst parts of being a woman? I never see them show off like all the upsides. Right. Yeah. Yeah, get pregnant and have a C-section? Get pregnant and have a C-section? Like, none of the biological women want that. No, no woman's like, I'm so excited about more C-sections. Right. No, of course not. Oh, a new uterus? Oh, man. I know. It's like, this person just wants to suffer. Right.

Yeah, and listen, this has nothing to do with this person being trans. I'm just irritated by this woman. Yeah. She seems like an irritating person. Well, let me show you something else about her, because this will make you fucking not like her more. Looks like he's having a nice piece of all this. She, her. Yeah, it's okay. It's all good. But it was not all good. Hi. I use she, her pronouns. I'm not sir. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, like, it's like a knife in the heart. It's okay.

I also did specifically ask ahead of time not to be called sir. Yeah, I'm just gonna go. Okay, the sweet water starts at... Okay. Not... You're just always like a knife. It always hurts. Every single time. I was wondering if there's a manager I could talk to about something that happened? Yeah, I was called sir. Oh, okay. It just really sucks every time it happens. I don't need to be called ma'am.

She's like, I'm so not expecting to be called sir that I always have my camera set up. Set up for entire meals just in case somebody mistakenly calls me sir. Yeah, because listen, here's the honest truth. Like I said, I so support if you want to transition or whatever. But again, it's called a transition. You know, like some of y'all ain't, like it's a loading bar. Some of y'all ain't at 100%. Right, right.

You know what I mean? And so it's like, you can't get it. If you halfway through the transition, you can't get upset when people go, you know, make a mistake. You know what I mean? Because you see some trans women and you're like, I had no idea. Cause they, cause you know what it is, man? It's like, this shit makes people think that all trans people are this annoying. Yes. And that's not like, I have trans friends where it's like, and you know, when it, when they was first transitioning, I was like, I will fuck up and say the wrong thing. And, and, and,

And my friend was like, don't worry about it. It took me 30 years to know. That's cool. So I don't expect you to get it right immediately. You know what I mean? Sure. And so it was like, this is fucking stupid. Yeah. Well, and it's just bait. You're just baiting people. You know what I mean? Like, she knows that. She wants to be able to complain. Exactly. And she also knows that, like you were saying, she's in the process of this. And.

And she's obviously saying that because she knows that people are misgendering all the time because she has. She's like, I only set up my camera when I got stubble. Right. When I got a five o'clock shower. She has masculine features. Like, it's just the way it is. So, like, you know, I don't know. Shave your chin off. Do the work. It's actually, sir. Yeah.

Get out of here. It's actually not, sir. And finally, you know that we love RPC here, right? Who? Robert Paul Champagne. Oh, of course. Yeah. And we have an update. RPC's goaded. He's goaded for sure.

He wants to be milked? I think so.

Robert, I gotta say. You know what? I take back what I said about that lady. He's more irritating than her. I don't like this guy. Oh, no. I want to tell you, Robert, I think this is a fantastic new lane for you. The green screen, first of all, he's never had this level green screen behind him. You know what I mean? Did y'all gift him this? I don't know how he did this. How did he do this? Is this just a filter? I think most of the apps can kind of do this now. They can put a fake background behind you. But I mean, this is high level for him. For him, yeah.

Yeah, because I remember, isn't he the one that was looking for a black living roommate sex? Leasing a key. Right, okay, right. Free food, free rent. He wants to be milked in the woods. That's right, man. Bob, eat time, time of day. That's right, guys. I'm down to the pretty, down to the pretty. That's right, no jazz.

I'm a high school machine. Let's get down and get me. Also, he made that hat. Does it say fuck me on it? This is like somebody made a shitty clone of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. Like they didn't get the DNA right? I mean, it's, you know, he's doing his best. I feel like, let's see. Oh, there is the Macho Man. Ooh, yeah. Milk my titties. I want black guys leasing a key. Actually, it's ma'am.

This is Robert. I love your venturing out into new background settings. I think you should definitely keep exploring that. The hat is fantastic. I know you made it. Yeah, we don't actually we don't hate you. No, not at all. And I think men can lactate. I think they can. Yeah, they can actually have uterus transplants. Now, I don't know if you heard. You know, that's a new thing. Yeah. I'm very excited for that. I hope that.

I hope that a bunch of men that are transitioning do that. Colostomy bag. Can you understand this, master of accents? This is a Brit talking to a Brit, I believe. Let's see, yeah. This guy works on Jeremy Clarkson's farm. Let's see if you can make out what he's saying. Right?

You could tell that he's like, oh, fuck. I don't know. It never worked or anything. I'm not into that.

He's not into that. He said she's got no water and only one pump. That's incredible. Yeah, I picked up words, but not sentences.

It sounds like the Tasmanian devil trying to talk. It's so great that that's, I think that guy works for him. Who is this man? This is the, ain't that the dude from, from the car show? Yes, yes, yes. And he's British and he's, I think this is clearly another Brit talking to, and you can tell he's like, I don't know what this motherfucker's saying. Yeah, because like Britain has like their version of like the deep South. Right, yeah. Right, yeah. These are the people that,

you know, boil everything. Yeah, yeah. You get boiled bacon, boiled cabbage, boiled steak. It's like when we talk to someone from the bayou and you're like, what? Right, but they have good food. Well, they have good food, but you can't understand something. Yeah, it's not. It's due... These are the British people that put beans on eggs and shit. Oh, yeah. Right?

Now, right, Mayneswater? I'll tell you what, I don't know. I'm not in the corner of our stables. You can tell that he's just like, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. Yeah, something about the pump being by the stable. Yeah, pump being by the stable and the water. I don't know. It never worked or anything. It never worked? I'm not into that.

So she had the pump and everything took out, is what he said. Fuck, man. I bet he has a hard time. I hope he's not allergic to nothing.

No. You know, he'd fuck around and be in the hospital like, do you have any allergies? They're like, can you get someone else in here? He's like, I can't. No saline. That motherfucker would die. Like, he got to go to the hospital right in that town. Yeah. And then, yeah, exactly. To the person that lives there. Right. That treats there, that grew up there. Shit. Fuck, man. All right. This...

You're on the road. You want to pull up? Can you pull up bryansimpsoncomedy.com? Oh, yeah. I'm coming to Madison, Wisconsin, Philadelphia, California.

October, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theater. There you go. In Boston. And then I'm doing the next day in New York City at the Bell House. Oh, that's in Brooklyn. Yes, in Brooklyn. So come through. Get those tickets right. Fucking hell. Let's throw some tickets there. Go see him. Philly, Boston, Brooklyn, Cleveland. Get tickets. BrianSimpsonComedy.com. Yep. Always good to see you, my friend. Likewise. Thank you for coming today. We'll see you guys next week. I'm whispering a little bit because my woman is sleeping.

These are three day worn panties. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it. Erection of it.

Alright, let's give it a whiff. Direction of edgy. Direction. Direction of edgy. Direction of edgy. Giving me a bone. This is giving me a bone right now. That is pungent. You can smell some shit. Her panties have a very similar smell. Pungent and nasty. Havoc boys. This is Havoc boys. I paid extra for the three days of wearing. I never tipped women. I never tipped women. Cause I felt like I was the tit. Let's give it a whiff.

♪♪