The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Jean, how are you feeling? I'm excited. There's going to be a snowstorm tomorrow. I'm taking huge dumps today. You did. I had like waves of caca come out and I feel more ready. Isn't that crazy? When it's a surprise like that, when you sit down to make brown and then you get a bonus brown. Oh, it was just like... Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I feel like I took something to like make... Are you eating that bran? No. I took that...

I tried that. Sean had told me, oh, try this All Brand. And he measures it out like a lunatic. He's like, take exactly 17 grams or whatever. I'm like, whatever. I made a small bowl of it, and I was like, oh, my God. Because I've been eating that. I sprinkle it on my yogurt, and boy, does that make me go mad. It was an emergency. Yeah. But doesn't that make you feel lighter, huh? Well, yeah, but I didn't do that. So I got home late last night and then slept a little bit.

Got up. I don't even, had I eaten? Yeah, I ate a little, I had a little bit. I had berries and eggs. Oh, eggs make you shit. Well, this was, I mean, I thought I was going to have a little boom boom and it was so much. Yeah. And you know what's interesting is that I normally I smell your brown. It has a very pungent, sour smell. No, I'm just, I just, I'm telling you, I didn't even smell it today. Well, I had the flushing and the rinsing going the whole time.

I was rinsing. And what I love about the washlet, the built-in bidets of modern society, is that you can wash as you shit, and then sometimes you keep shitting through the wash. So the spray will hit your asshole, and your asshole goes, what's that? And then you just keep shitting. Now hold on, because I've often used the spray to stimulate my anal. That's what I'm saying. But then I'd stop the spray once the brown comes down. Oh, I'll shit right through it. What? Yeah, yeah. You're crazy.

Easy, easy. Who does that? Yeah. Why would you do that? Aren't you afraid you're going to cut it off or it'll spook it? No. No. I think it's too much stimulation for me and I cut it off. It feels kinky. I like it. I like it. Yeah.

This is like, man. Anyway, I just feel like I could shit at any moment again. I really do. Seriously? Yeah. Do you think you ate something questionable last night? I mean, I traveled. Who knows? Yeah. I ate right before we left. We ate. I had salmon and rice, which is fine, but you never know. You never know. You never know. It'll take a few days to adjust and then I'll leave again and then I'll shit crazy again. I know.

I know. It's weird. I had a little irritation in my bowel too where something triggered it and I was just making soft browns for days. You know when something like irritates your intestines? Yeah. But it's kind of nice because then you're cleaning house.

Yeah. It's cool. It's pretty cool. Yeah. You ready to start the show? Yeah, of course. Let's do this real quick. Here we go, everybody. Here you go. You don't think I want them nipples? Oh, Jesus. I want them nipples too. And your feet. Yeah, I want your feet. And them nipples. Them nipples looking at me right now. Come get me, Uncle Sean. Come get me. I thought you were going to play something different. I'm looking at you, boy.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Tom, I have to say this before we get along. Them nipples looking at me right now. Go ahead. I mean, I'd like to change the topic to something a little more dignified. Why are you? I don't understand why it's so funny to you. What's so funny? You got to bring me them nipples. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.

You're the worst. Okay. I was going to say that I noticed over Christmas vacation a while ago that I have a specific protocol that

As I'm browning, meaning I can't read a book and brown. It's too distracting. I can't look at just videos and brown. I have to be, I can't be texting and browning. I have to be playing Tetris. And if I'm not. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That's fascinating. No, I'm serious. And I can't be watching TikTok.

I have to play Tetris. I've lost myself on the phone, on the can before on my phone. I know that. You think I don't know that? How long have I been here? Oh, I know. I have no idea how much time has gone by. We know that. Especially, it's weird when we're alone with our kids, you seem to disappear for like an hour. Oh, stop. Yeah, especially when they were young. That was really weird. Exaggerator. Legs are... Gross exaggerator. No. Anyway.

Anyway, buy my Perfect Four lipsticks, you guys. I'm wearing the Perfect Red right now. I suggest you just buy all four. Why not? They're the perfect colors. I got Madison, Berlin, Perfect Red. They're beautiful. They're so beautiful. They are. They're very nice. More coming. I'm just so pumped. I love doing these. You don't think I want them nipples? God damn it. I thought we were past it. I tried to get us past it. Hold on. What's your protocol? Yeah.

I just want a little bit of alone. I want a little just don't bother me. Sure. I could do, I mean, as a kid, I did magazines a lot. So I like magazines, but we don't have magazines in there anymore. We used to. No. Yeah, your phone and just. What are you looking at? Like, I found that even specific content, I won't brown to.

I don't think that happens to me because I'll read articles. I have New York Times, LA Times, Wall Street Journal. I'll read articles. That's funny because when I walk by the toilet, I don't hear silence. I just read an article this morning. I usually hear silence.

Sometimes it's people in car accidents and sometimes it's an article. Most of the time it sounds like violence and I'm like, dude, he is loving that shit. Yeah, sometimes I get lost in a loop of cool stuff. Violence. Accidents. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really want to watch violence. I'd like to see somebody...

snowboarding and their knee snapping or something. You know what I mean? Something like that. That's what I hear through the door. And also, and this is like, listen, I've just come to terms with it as part of our marriage. Yeah. But I've often wanted to talk to you through the door as you're browning. I don't like to. Never let it happen. I don't like being spoken to when I'm browning. You don't. And I know that about you now.

Next time you come to that door, you gotta bring me them nipples. So here's what I love about Unc, if you don't mind. It's been a while. What I love is that he's never changed. I like somebody that's consistent. And if I had introduced you to this man...

10 years ago, it would be the exact same video that it is today. There is zero evolution. Zero. He's still putting out a consistent message. I would wager that if you go to his Instagram page, there are a few hundred videos maybe with this hat on and every video is basically the same. It's so crazy. And usually these artists, they do evolve. Like RPC, he's taken on different identities. Lucifer's lair,

Professor Cumdump, right? Yep. But you're right. Unc never wavers. Maybe he changes his hat. Let's just pick one. Go ahead and hit that one. What is it? Yeah. Yeah. Go to the next one.

Yeah, Mary, it's one love, all right? It's Mary. He's talking to Mary. Them girls that work with you? He wants to eat them drawers. He always says that. Yeah, Mary, it's one love, all right? Okay. Them girls that work with you? Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. Sure. Uncle Snoop, I got one for you, my boy. Yeah. Birdman, what's up? I'm cooling, man. Cooling. Yeah. Yeah. Uncle Snoop, I got something for you. Okay. Next one. Good morning. Good morning, God. I'm all right, baby.

Yeah, girl. I'm all right. Okay. Hey, how y'all doing, baby? I'm coolin', baby. Yeah, I went and get me something to eat. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to tell you now. Uncle Snoop. What's happening, my dog? Birdman. What's happening? He's... I'm coolin'. He's saying hello. What's happening, my dog? Yep. It's one love, man. There's a lot of one loves. Uh-huh. I got something for somebody.

Hey, my baby girl, Kelly. How you doing, baby? It's the same. Click the next one. Hey, look. One more. I forgot. I forgot. I mean, but I got it. Yeah. I'm trying to tell you, I forgot. Okay. I think we got it. So, yeah. It is the same exact thing than when we first saw him a number of years ago. And...

It has not evolved, and that's exciting to me. It is, and why change perfection? He's figured out the formula that works for him. It's like RPC. He has his style. He does his Lucifer's Lair, a lot of touching the chest, talking about what he likes, and then here's Honk. Although, I remember that RPC doesn't like

associated with Unk. Of course. And is not a fan of his. Well, of course. Well, because RPC is evolved. He is an artist. He is creative. He does have different things going on. He's a clothing designer, porno actor, singer. He does stand up. He does a lot of different things. You cannot compare these pages. No, you can't. Let me tell you, if there's a surefire way to wake up feeling fresh after a night of drinking, it's with Z Biotics pre-alcohol. It's a probiotic drink. The first genetically engineered drink of its kind was designed

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That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash YMH. You can get an extra four months free. ExpressVPN.com slash YMH. Yeah. No, look at his content. Way better. Fun men to meet. Like, yeah.

No, he's amazing. Yeah, he does. This is a totally different thing. I mean, look at those birds. It's fucking amazing. What's with the fire? What's he doing there? It's Lucifer's lair. What do you think? Oh, shit. Hey, guys, welcome to Lucifer's lair, man. I feel hot, baby. RPCs, wait to take a hop. You guys, 917-353-2913. Yeah, you got the same message. 606-378-523. 606-396-108. 929-706-9898. Jesus. 2395 Wagner House. Man, look at the ticket for hop.

I mean, that's the same message, man. That's the same message. But here's the deal, man. Why do I feel nothing but love? I got to be honest with you. The feelings I get watching these gentlemen, unc...

makes me feel a little scared yeah and i don't i feel repelled by that but for rpc i want him to get what he wants i understand what you're saying why is that i don't know i mean also how many pages does rpc have on instagram does he have a few at least 10 10 pages at least could you pull up another one sure i want to see oh man god he's so charming is it the charm is it the oh yeah yeah

Yeah. Cool. Oh, wow. Oh, did he give a shout out to, oh, okay. Do not trust this man. Yeah. I did not sell my ideas to him. Fraud by trying to copy my hats and caps fashion and put my name on it. Oh, wow. Well, you know, IP is a real big thing these days. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, I would definitely side with RPC on that. Of course. Maybe I feel a kinship with RPC because he is a comedian. He is a singer. He is an actor. He's a performer. And he's a lover of animals. Great guy. But I don't know much else about Unkshine. Maybe if I knew a little bit more about him personally. You're good. I'll just say this. If you are visiting the greater New York area and you are a hot black or Latino man and you're looking for a good time, I would take...

him up on this. You can use Google Maps and just type in Robert Paul Champagne RPC. It'll take you exactly to where he... There it is, right there. 2390, second half of New York. Yeah, Wagner Houses, apartment 2C. Just ring the buzzer and he will buzz you right in. Whoa, whoa, hold on. It says 2390, second half. Yeah, well... Whoa, wait a minute. That's inaccurate. I think Wagner Houses is like that whole block. Yeah, it is. It's kind of like laid on there. Thank God I...

I didn't want to spread misinformation there, you know. Well, let's move on to something that, frankly, can't really wait much longer. Sure. There's two things, really. One is that Charo was here last week. Boy, was she ever. Holy shit. Was that something. I might say her best appearance yet.

yet it was a legendary classic appearance um and the boys did the right thing they didn't even have to be here we go ass there is an incredible super cut let me just relax let's just get into position and enjoy this everybody okay hello governor thank you governor pull the mic down a little bit this am i don't can't lift the cup

Okay. No! How's the coffee? They're bringing you another one. Well, if I don't have... Don't move the microphone. Now pull it down. Not from there. From the bottom. Why don't you do it? You can do it. It's not hanging. She's like, grab it. Fresh coffee. You want another coffee? Yeah.

What? No way. Coffee on the way. Thank you so much. Thank you, Heather. Another coffee. We can do another coffee. Have we talked about the crew? Yes, been a few times already.

Did we talk about the cruise? Yes, hours ago. And did I thank you enough? Did I thank you enough? I'm so glad that we were all able to do it. I was talking. Can I get a coffee, please? You want another coffee for real? What do you mean another coffee? One cup of coffee doesn't make me another coffee. This will be number four or five that you're having, just so you know. It's amazing.

What's wrong with you? Headphones on your cheek. Can I talk? Talk nice. Thank you. Reach the other way. No, no. Closer to you. Below. Here. Here. Right here. Just make sure. Oh, thank you. Thanks, Jack. I forgot.

This is your show, really? Don't be retarded. I might be retarded, but I'm not stupid. Tata there, retard. I'm taking you to buy me something. Unbelievable. Truly remarkable. That was so much fun reliving it like that. Jesus Christ.

She was a little, I mean, look, she was a little out there. She was out of it. She'd taken some edibles. And drank a lot. And drank a lot. And had five coffees. I mean, it was. That was amazing. It was unhinged. Yeah. She was totally unhinged. She really was. Did you take her shopping? No, I haven't spoken to her since. Okay.

Well, rest assured, she went through my closet last night and took out a jacket. She did? Yeah. She got something. Don't worry. Not surprised. Yeah. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Who knows if we'll ever see her again, but that was a pretty memorable episode. You guys had a row. Yeah. It was the Brits. I'm not a bit of a row. Yeah. You sure did. Well, she was a little blitzed maybe when she left and may have said some things. You know what I mean?

We'll see. Hopefully, I'll have an update for you soon if she's still alive. All right. So this you're going to absolutely eat. Okay. All right. Hey, Jeans. Big fan of both y'all and YMH Podcast. That has helped me deal with a lot of hard times in life. You guys have made me laugh when I've had the shittiest day. I'm very thankful to be alive at the same time as y'all. I'm a tattoo artist from East Tennessee. I've always wanted to give myself a YMH tattoo but didn't really know exactly what to do. That was until...

I saw Christine's amazing artwork of Tom choking practically to death just trying to say the word Netflix.

I can't name a more pivotal moment in all media that is more deserving of a tribute. The entire world practically stopped to hear if Timothy would make it through such a dangerous word to say out loud. And I think we're all in a better place now that he had made it through such a life-threatening situation. To commemorate both an amazing piece of art and an unforgettable moment in history, I chose the choke as my YMH tattoo as a gift to myself. I hope I made Mommy Jeans proud, and I hope Tom gets the speech therapy he needs.

Skylar, here you go. Oh my God. Oh my God, it's perfect. Believable. How did you do? It's identical. No, is that real? Am I being duped? No, you're not being duped. That's real. That is real. Holy shit, he really did it perfectly. You know my favorite part about this too is that there is going to be somebody who goes like, who is that? What is that? And he could be like, oh, do you like stand-up? It's a whole story.

You ever see Tom Cigarette and they'll be like, what? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, that's him. And what's really special is that it's both of us. It's a collaborative thing. It is. And I love this. I can't encourage this enough. It's incredible. It's really, really remarkable. I'm just so thrilled as an artist to have my work featured on somebody's body forever now. Yeah. That's so cool.

Wow. Well, Skylar, you are incredible. I think we need to send him something. Absolutely. Guys, please reach out because that is remarkable. Please share any future interactions you have from people when they go, what the fuck is that? I would love to hear that. Oh my God, please. And by the way, don't think I'm resting on my laurels just because of this success. I'm already developing something.

my next piece of art that you are my muse i know you've told you are my muse and i know exactly what i'm gonna do um i'm excited i'm excited to see what you you're such a prolific artist thank you i just want to see what comes next you know but like they say in the art world you know you don't want to put out too much this is true you don't want to lower the value of your work so this is true this is why i'm parsing it out yeah like we did the first one the second one i'm gonna what are you doing you're

I'm roguing. Oh, that's why. It's the roogies in there. So this one, I have diarrhea ready to come out of me. So just let me show you this real quick. Yeah, I guess I'm a little antsy. Yeah. Maybe don't drink coffee. I want to. So here you go. This is, we found another Kevin Spaniel's classic here. Oh, I miss him. You're definitely a single woman because you got the single woman tell that damn smoke detector. How do you live with that?

Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no. Specifically, the smoke detector that keeps chirping. How do you live with that? Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector? Oh, my God. It keeps going beep. Like red flags? That smoke detector that's beeping in the background. There's a smoke detector. It beeps every 30 seconds and it goes beep. I don't...

hear anything beep and did you just hear it again because I don't hear anything. Good for it. Told you guys they don't hear it after a while. There it was.

the beep yeah so i don't know maybe i have to replace my fire smoke detector oh my god batteries yeah maybe that's what it is okay so i just noticed it you didn't notice it and it's the first it's one of the first things men notice about you ladies because a man would not sit there with that thing beeping like that every 30 every 15 seconds it beeps

Okay, noted. My point is, guys, the things that we notice, they don't notice. They just get comfortable. It's insane.

How does she sleep at night? She's tuned it out. She didn't even hear it. Well, that's really interesting because it's one of the marks of a cool guy very early in YMH history. Yeah. The chirp, the chirp. That was, that's always part of their thing. Well, schizophrenic minds can kind of make sense of a lot of things. How do you tune that shit out? It's official. I got a shit. Let's take a quick break. Yeah.

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And we're back and super excited for our guest. You can check out his new podcast, Jim Norton Can't Save You. It's Jim Norton, everybody. Oh, Jim Norton. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming. I can't believe this is a long time that this has not happened in. I know. Every time I'd be here, you would be away because you're on tour somewhere. Or when you guys were available, I wasn't here. So I'm happy it's finally happening. Yeah, I'm so happy to see you, man. Me too. We are huge, huge fans of yours. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're an amazing comic.

Obviously, you've been doing great radio and podcasting forever, too. But this is fucking this is a treat, man. Thank you. Now watch me bomb for an hour. No, you're always good. You're always good. We actually did that show together. Wasn't it the three of us that did that? In Pittsburgh. In Pittsburgh. And that was 2014. What? Yeah. God, that feels like an eternity ago. You remember that?

Vaguely. Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah, DVE. Yes, and everybody did. It was like 10 people or something like that. It was 2014. It was 2014. Yeah, it's depressing. I think so. Or maybe 15. I don't know. No, because we didn't have kids then. We were still like normal people. Yeah, you're right. You're right, yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago, yeah. It was like a tag team. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, I have no memory of that. I remember very well. Oh my God, I was so starstruck. I remember being on that lineup with you. I was like, it's Jim Norton.

Yeah, we all were. Yeah. Oh, thanks. Yeah. No, you're... Because I mean this honestly. Your stand-up is so good. You are definitely an underrated... As much success and everything that everybody knows, your stand-up is so good. Oh, thank you. The thing I like watching is somebody who's willing to take risks and go for it. And I feel like you're one of those guys that if I watch you, I'm like, man, I got to fucking step it up. Which is a good thing to have. It's a good feeling to...

To have. Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. You're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me. Something if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah. Sure. Nothing to say. But you always did. You always have that. Like, are you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.

Like, I would start, and it was like 1991, and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come, and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was, like, me and my personal life and sex and, like, the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys...

It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like, that was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Well, what I love about you is that you are so open about your sexual proclivities or your quote deviancies and all of that. And I think in watching somebody who accepts themselves, even if you hate yourself so fully, it allows other people to accept themselves. Yeah.

In a way yeah That's always satisfying If somebody emails me Like I've gotten a lot Over the years Of people going Hey I'm so glad You talked about that Because I thought I was alone Like doing that stuff In childhood Or like Liking this Or liking that Like it was so nice To hear somebody Talk about it Like

Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from. Sure. Because it was on Opie and Anthony, and they were just barbarians, the audience. Yeah. But I mean, they're real people. Sure. You know, they're harsh, and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor. But at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in, and they related to certain things, and they appreciate it. And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was...

It was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it. Yeah, I mean, like, but I think that thing, too, about, like, watching you be super open and honest, I think even as a comedian, you're watching it and you're like, man, I...

I need more of that open. You know what I mean? It's like, it makes you go like, oh, I should just share that thing that I'm scared to share. Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't relate. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is. Because it's the mirror. Your mirror. It's too much because some people aren't conscious, I think, of what it is. Yes. So if you're like,

Like I was trying to do this bit for the longest time about how women can hate their husbands when you first have a child. Because it's true. The woman carries the baby for nine months. We're exhausted. We give birth and then we breastfeed. And you're like, what the fuck have you done? Yeah. And that's just a very normal. It eventually subsides. But I just couldn't sell it because the women are sitting next to their husbands in the audience. And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you. Everything's great. Yeah. You were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me. Yeah. Yeah.

But I think it's natural. I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it? Yeah, because now I have to blame my own mental illness. I blame it on my relationship I had with my father and that he was abandoning.

And then I can tie it back to me projecting it onto him. And then it gets safer. - 'Cause then it's like, then they go, okay, well. - She's messed up. She's so mentally ill. - Yeah, she's crazy. I'm laughing 'cause she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. - Exactly. - And she's writing the garbage. - But doesn't that help when they think you're crazy? And I think that helps. - It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Like otherwise they think like if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy,

It's okay. Yeah. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter. Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. It's weird. No, you're not. She is. She is. Or my partner. I don't like hearing, just husband, wife. Yeah, just say, just fucking, it's fine. She's pregnant. I'm going out tonight. She's going to rest. What? What?

She's pregnant and I did it. We're pregnant. I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh. It is like a type of couple too. Yeah. They are, they're, they're,

They're a little bit like full of themselves, right? They think you can tell when they say we a lot. It's somebody who goes, well, that's the right thing to say. Sure. It's kind of like the, I don't know, the ultra liberal type. Yeah. We are doing this. Do you do we?

Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...

feel like we should do it the way like a couple like you would do it, like where you're pregnant. - Well, yeah, the pregnancy thing is absurd. But even one time, I remember one time, Tom and I, you probably remember what I'm gonna say. We're in the airport getting ready to go on a vacation together and he gets a phone call and he's like, "I'm going to Hawaii." And I was like, "Just you? "Just you?" And I was like, "What about us as a family? "We, we are going," and you got, remember that? - Did I get upset? - Yeah.

Probably. You probably deserved it. Here's the truth. I still was going to Hawaii. Right. Both things can be true. One just makes you a little more selfish. I do remember this, though. I remember in college, there was a time where one of my roommates, Casey, and I were just like, you know, we had an apartment. We stayed for the summer. That was the thing where people went, you know, like in college, went back home. Right. And we stayed. And we were like getting up.

Working out together, hanging out during the day, watching movies. And then we went to a party together.

at somebody's place at an apartment and as we were leaving I remember I turned to the person I was like thanks for having us and we walked out and I was like yo that's what a couple would say man I go I just thank them for having us like we are a unit like we're a gay couple now and I was like I think we're hanging out too much because I'm like referring to us as one but it does feel weird if you walk out with your friend and you go hey thanks for having me and then he's like a dick like me too me too yeah yeah yeah

But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii. Hold on, Your Honor. I think it was your mother.

Who you're talking to. And you're like, I'm going to Hawaii. And I was like, you're not going to. I mean, I don't think I put that much thought into it, honestly. I really was just like, yeah. That's the troubling part, isn't it? It annoyed you, though. Yeah. It annoyed me. It was very selfish, very self-centered. Yeah, I also remember like,

of the marriage, you being like, you saying something about a we thing. Like, we are getting this place. We have a place. And I was just like, who fucking cares? Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Be careful about saying our home or whatever because then they can lay claim to it. What? Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money and she married a guy and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of marriage.

Like she kept it on her. It was her place. Oh, it's my, yeah. I guess so. Yeah. This way, if they have divorced, he kept it. Then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah, definitely. Cause in New York, isn't it? What is it called? Common or what is it? Common law stuff. I don't know. Well, there's a thing that I know that I think in Texas, cause there's certain States where you can date somebody.

And it's over a certain amount of time. Seven years, I think. And not married. And then they have claim to property. Oh, yeah. Common law marriage. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah. I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places. Let's see. No, New York does not. Oh, good. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Texas does, I bet, right? Texas is a common law state. Yeah. Two weeks. Yeah. Definitely. Yes. Yes. Informal marriage. Oh, wow.

To marry without formalities. Okay, what is the requirement? She has to be 18, not related. That's good. Not married to anyone else. They have to, yeah, cohabitate. They must agree to be married, though. Oh. So that's an interesting thing is that...

They must present themselves as married. What is the proof of that, though? That's exactly what I wanted to ask. Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple. For sure. I just have to fill out immigration things. We have to, like, you know, when you're having your green card, the conditions take off. Where's she from? Norway. Okay. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's where they know the government's not getting scammed. Yeah. Yeah.

So many people do that scam, too. I've met so many people that have done it for somebody else. And you're like, you're married? Well, you know. Yeah, they just like hook them up with the green card, though. It's crazy. It is crazy. Can I ask you the dumbest question? Sure. She is. Yep. So hold on. Okay, so you're married, but you're married to a trans woman. Yes. So are you married to a trans woman?

like boy girl married or are you boy boy married? Do you know what I mean? Boy girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole, I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you obviously. Um,

But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay. Which they've changed the way you can change your... But they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is, yeah. I mean, it's kind of...

Whatever. I mean, it works out well for us, but... But what do you mean? What's the... Because you kind of went like, oh, that's... I mean, I don't know. It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say, I am the... Like, I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this is what would prevent...

you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure. By the way, your wife is lovely. I got to get to know her a little bit in the green room at mothership. Oh, okay. Yeah. Gorgeous. Oh, thank you. Sweet and funny. And like, it's just so cool. And, uh, I'm really happy for you. I mean, I don't know you really well, but you seem very happy and very much in

And like, this is a good relationship. Yeah. It's, um, it's like, you know, you settle in and you realize like, wow, I am married. Like it really is at times great. And at other times, you know, it's everything they said. It's every, I'm living every fucking hack comic in the eighties bit. Like they were right. They were right. But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your fifties and you're single and it's all just, you know,

it's one person after the other or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure. I love having someone. This is like a real thing that I don't think people talk about enough is how many people

don't have somebody it really is a huge number of people you know that are out there that going through life and they go like if you talk to people you'll realize you meet people who like oh I haven't had some people are like I haven't had a relationship in 13 years yeah it's you know they just kind of like settle into that I remember I argued with an ex-girlfriend years ago I was like 22 and I still remember she's like you're gonna die alone

And I was like, wow. And 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected... I mean, she was probably... I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. You want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah. And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever or the times we argue...

If I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married. Well, that's what I was going to ask you. What were the, what were, who were you dating before her? I don't want to limit. Had you dated men? Had you dated women? Never. I never dated men. Like the idea of like hugging a man and going, Hey, we're, how you doing baby? It's just as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. This, the idea, like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play.

So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you. You don't like masculinity. I hate it. Like being around that. Okay. Yeah. Unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. Right. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now.

this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry. If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male. You're somewhere in between. Yeah. I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense. Would it be like you're sexually gay, but you don't like gayness?

Would that be somewhat? No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically. Bisexual vaginas.

I guess, I mean Not to label it, because I actually don't like all these labels I know, but some of them are just unpleasant Do you miss vaginas? Oh yeah, but I think that But if she had one, I would just be one up Like I would miss every one but hers It's not like if I married somebody with a pussy I would get a bunch of them It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss Right, right, right But yeah, so that's one thing Of course I do, I do miss that

But I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict. So I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's very natural. Yeah. Maybe you're like the future of human sexuality. Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know if this is going to catch on. It might. Well, it might. Look, we have Will Blunderfeld on the show, and he encourages straight men to try, quote, gay things. Like, I don't know. Is it society that tells men? Because women can make out with women. Let's say even in the 90s in college, it was totally fine if I wanted to make out with a girl. Will's got a bit of an angle. He's kind of like, you know, he's like,

Basically, he's like, playing with another guy's balls is the straightest thing you can do. And you're like, wait, what? He's always kind of... There's an agenda. Yeah, he's got a bit of an agenda, which is to let him touch your dick. Yeah, that's true. It's men being men. Yeah, he's...

Yeah. And it's disguised under this, like, this is what warriors did. Like, he's always like, the Spartans did this and the samurai would lick each other's nipples. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, listening to it, like, really? He's like, yeah, so do you want to do it? And you're like, I mean...

A dear friend of mine, Jose Menendez, used to say the same thing. He would say that this is what the Warriors... So the Warriors are doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to... Everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. It is what it is. And progressives have just fucking gone berserk.

Like, stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy. It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's just say you're not heterosexual. It's fine. It is fine. I think also what you're pointing out is that there I mean, you're kind of the living proof that there really is.

a scale of on this that you know I mean it's like a fluid kind of thing it's not just black and white right because your own sexuality is kind of in the gray area right kind of yeah I think I've always been that way as a kid always not sure exactly what I wanted again a lot of it is greed yeah how small like what was what your earliest memories of being this way

I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it or I would, you know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, no.

I don't know. Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age, though? He was my age, maybe nine months old. Within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. What was he going to say? If you're like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish. Was that the first penis you'd ever touched? I think so. This friend at five. Yes, but I have a photo of myself.

like when I fell and I split my head open. So I, and I know I was already doing it by then. So, and there's a date on the picture. So I know I was age five. Yeah. Wow. That's young. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was off to the, I was a, I was a, I was a trooper. Yeah. Yeah. It was very active as a kid. It was very, but I talked about that a lot. And like, you know, we would, we would play that,

the Monster Rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game? it was we would one of us would yell like Monster Rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the Monster Rain this was one of your specials it was it was called Monster Rain yeah yeah true story but yeah we would oh right yeah that's where it came from yeah it's amazing but you don't have to mine for material when it's just that when it's there it's like I don't have to go out and find an angle on

fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes. Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore. Yeah, there's a balance. I mean, I think also in like, you know, in kind of scoping out an hour,

Like I think about hours a lot now of, of, you know, if you have like that type of material, you want it to be like 15. Yeah. Probably max 15 of that. Yes. So you don't want an hour on blowing and coming. No, not at all. So it's like, like you've got to kind of like shape. I mean, we're always trying to shape like in the hour that I'm out with right now, I have done, if it's four 15 minute chunks, I've done them in every order.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And trying to figure out what order is best. And I feel like currently I feel like I figured out the order to do them in because you don't, cause sometimes I go like, Oh, that chunk at the end doesn't feel I should end with that. I feel like I got to move it up and you're always just trying to like make it move around. But I try to balance it between, um,

Okay, stuff I'm talking about from my life, general observational stuff, you know, et cetera, like having some balance to it all so that it's not just one note. Yeah, and it's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that like...

I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people. Yeah. Switching that 15 minutes. Yeah. Well, sometimes it ends and you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, that was a bad move. I should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of... I'm back on tour now. I had taken time off. I'm not with the radio show anymore. So it's weird. With you and Sam. Yeah, I was at Sirius for 20 years. Wow. Yeah, it was a lot of talking. We just couldn't. They just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. You know what I mean? You see it and it's like, whatever. Whatever.

It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk. Yeah. But like, I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. Like, you know, in life we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking like, and I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, pass.

Have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue. I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. So you have to be realistic. Well, that's very... I mean, that's a super mature approach to this thing. You know what I mean? From you, I'm saying, to like...

I'm not going to blow this up. I'm going to keep doing it until if somebody doesn't want to do it. But now you're making the kind of the transition, right, to the podcast. Yeah. 30 years in. I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning. I just I couldn't. I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio work.

That's part of the stuff, yeah. Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking... Yeah. But I would have ruined my life. Like, I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that, like, today I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me. We all have. I guess so, right? We all have.

It's just a matter of they haven't found them all yet. Yeah. That's really what it is. If somebody wants to write the code to search all the audio of things we've said, it could be very destructive. But also, Tommy, well, yeah, of course. Yeah. But don't you find, too, that, like...

If you've never claimed to be righteous, what the fuck are they going to take us down on? Like nobody, we never claimed to be on the right about anything. At this point, they couldn't, like they can't take this away. They could just take something else I'm doing away, basically. And they can't take touring away. Right. So they can't take like the two main things in my career away. Thank God for that. They could just be like, oh, you can't be on this TV show anymore. Right.

Okay. I think that's changed a lot too or it's starting to. It is starting to. People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially like, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of...

Of offensive shit. It's the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, six to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny. I mean, it's, I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff, but that, that I love that time of radio. Cause I would go between you guys and stern. And that was such a good time.

of just like there is that window before this cancel culture started where shit was actually really hard and funny. They would fuck you back then too, though. Like they tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in and he was really just a funny, like a naturally funny human being. And he was brutal. And he was just talking about the...

Laura Bush and he was talking about the Queen of England and having sex and like but but in a way that would was be very very unpleasant for them yeah and we were we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah Bill was in that day the only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock and like since it didn't happen on their airwaves and

they kept the show. But that was the one time, like I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty and that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, that era was all about like you guys and Stern people. It was either like fines and suspensions and firings. Like it was a regular thing. It was a good time.

Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003 and the fines went tenfold. So it went like from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's a big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this. They cracked down and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where

people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. In podcast, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to. So are you enjoying the podcasting? I'm only... I mean, I've done...

I'm only, I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while, but this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We got like eight episodes taped, but I love it. Yeah. It's so much fun. And total freedom, like total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. Yeah. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house, but it's like, I can have somebody whenever I want. Like, whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude. Yeah. No notes, nobody telling you what you can and can't fucking say.

No, and nobody else to, nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it. Yes. Two different senses of humor. Um, and,

And I just want to say what I want to say and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be. Exactly. Yeah. You dictate it. I mean. I dictate it. Yeah. That's kind of fun. Like I remember the whole, one of the reasons I even wanted to do a podcast was I went on another guy's podcast and I was just like, oh, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't do it this way. You know what I mean? It started to like, it bothered me. I'm like, why wouldn't you ask that guy that question? Right. He was like, I don't know. So that was just like the same kind of thing of you're like, well, I'd rather do it the way I want to do it. Yeah. You want the control over it. I'm enjoying the fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. Like this whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish.

Don't just sit there like a lump of shit hoping and being bitter. Shut up. Start doing something else so at least you're focused on something else. You can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Nobody cares. Nobody's going to feel sorry for me. Well, that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because maybe...

25-year-old version of you would do that or something, you know? Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. Like, that changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor, and I'm like, I was saying to myself, like, I should just jump out the window. Like, I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone. My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself.

It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or Oney to come back. So we'll see how it goes. Oh, man. Your crew, your core group, I think amongst comedians, is one of the favorites to admire and look up. You know what I mean? People love...

hearing about you, Colin, Patrice, Rich, like as a group, you guys seem to have like the, one of the coolest classes of people. It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him.

But he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar. A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club, and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really...

inspiring and it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching and he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him and he's still funny which is crazy. That's incredible.

And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us. He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow. Yeah.

He would really enjoy that. Yeah, his name is brought up constantly for all this. I like it. I love that people see him that way. Yeah, the memory's alive. It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten.

Like Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more. Otto and George. Yeah. I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live. I remember getting those tapes. We had like Otto and George like tapes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. Like passed around. He was so great. And I just wish that more people talked about him. But I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like when you see one friend getting so many accolades.

you're happy and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo. Oh, I loved him. Yeah. God, I memorized his stuff. Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No. His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good looking kid and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps.

And I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was working at the Cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy. That's awesome. Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude. Yeah, and so bright, too. Yeah, he was at Harvard.

Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school. Well, I went to college and everyone goes like, huh? Because I went to Lenore Rhine College.

I don't know. Yeah. And then they're like, is that a real school? I'm like, yeah. I mean, I was, I was a terrible high school student. I got through college. All right. But, um, yeah, I don't think I could have used a degree less, you know, I mean, communications major. It's nonsense. Yeah. Um, yeah. Fucking four years of fucking around. It's not. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you feel attached to those years? When you look back at high school, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you like, eh? No. No, I don't go to any of that. I like my high school. The funny thing is sometimes I'll think about college and the only thing I go is like, oh yeah, it really is the relationships. In other words, college connected me to some people that are meaningful to me. Like certain friends.

As far as like, I couldn't tell you about a class or a goddamn single thing I learned. Nothing. Wow. It's just like, huh? That's sad. Oh yeah. I mean, that's just, I don't, I had a philosophy professor that changed my life. This guy was fucking dying. Back it up. He had built his own log cabin before he was a philosophy professor. He was a professional or what? Semi-professional boxer. He had lived this incredible life.

became a philosophy professor, had an affair with his student, ended up marrying her, making a kid. The kid ended up going to the college. Like this guy led such a great life. And then he was dying of cancer.

And then he taught existentialism through his treatment and dying of cancer, which was so fucking crazy and surreal to actively be dying and to teach young kids about life and death at the same time. The guy changed my life forever. You know, like they open your mind and his penis was delicious. Yeah.

I know that's where you were going with it. I did not have a crush on him. I was definitely not going there with it. But he changed my life. He opened up my brain. I'll tell you my most fond memory. This is how you know that I was a comedian in a class is that in communications, I

There's different tracks you can take. And I took TV radio production and there was a class on advertising. And what I still remember is our professor teaching us about like ad copy and like how you have to, you know, how, how the process goes and how it can, like, there's a, there's a template you use for an ad. This is like in print advertising and how it could go sideways and

And he's like... And he cited this example and he brought up the image on the screen of a newspaper, I think in North Carolina, that was advertising for a sporting goods store. And...

The ad said, where are these skis? And you'll ski like a, and I laughed so hard and nobody else laughed. And I was just like, Oh, he was like, that is so inappropriate and so awful. And I'm sure you can find it by the way. You can probably find this thing on somewhere in online. Um,

And so this was like the example that he gave. And I was like, yeah, you'll ski like a f***ing niece. That's rad. It appeared in The Observer or something. I mean, that's so funny. It's so funny. Who does not laugh at that? I mean, this guy did not. If you go back one, if you quote that and you put images, I bet you it comes up.

Right there. See where it says $79.97? Wow. That's it? It's just a drawing? Oh man, they should have really... I thought they'd go harder on the image. You'll ski like a... Come on, that's fucking... Who would not laugh at that? And this guy was like showing us on the board and being like, you know, I'm laughing. He's like,

Why would you laugh at this? I'm like, because you scared me. And because it made it through. It made it. Yeah, of course it made it. It's what it is. It's like, it's just being a little rascal, right? It's like, it's very rascally. It's like a little kid getting away with like, haha. I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like, in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny.

Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. We're dirty. Like just something inappropriate. Always. Inappropriate is my, that's like everyone has their button for laughing. Anything inappropriate, like the person cursing at the gala. You know what I mean? Like the juxtaposition of like, you shouldn't do this here. I will always bust out laughing in tears.

That's what I think. That's my even like vandalism. Like you put a dick on a billboard and I'm going to giggle every fucking time. Absolutely. Especially if it's a woman. My gal.

Oh yeah, vandalism is like... Vandalism is when it's funny. Or even, I don't know if you did this growing up, when you'd make a googly eye, you erase around the eyeball of somebody in the black and white book. You know what I'm saying? Like a picture. And then you make the eye big and googly. Like even that. I'll show you what I mean. No, but that's a... I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one. And that dick is great. That's a good dick. Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner.

And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read. He got a book. It was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared in the book. That's amazing. So it just wrecks it. I wish I would have thought to do that. This reminds me. I always think about Brendan Walsh when this stuff comes up.

You know Brendan Walsh? He's such a rascal. Yeah. He's such a rascal. That name is weird. He's just like, this is him. Oh, yeah. This fucking lunatic. He always has done these pranks. But they're for himself sometimes, too. He was in some Zoom. It was for like...

I don't know. It was like, that's the thing is that just for him during the pandemic, you know, everybody was zooming and it was like, I forget what the topic was. People were discussing, I don't know if it was like public health or something. And he would, he got in on these and there'd be like six strangers talking about this, this topic. It could have been book reviews or something. And he found somebody who,

he would find people like on Craigslist to join the Zoom. He'd give them $100 to be just sitting there like a guy and, and,

And then at one point he would just tell them to stand up naked. And so people would just stand up and their dick and balls would come across. Everyone would be like, whoa. And then he would be like, what's going on? Like he set it up. He set it up. Or he also did that billboard in Silver Lake where it was a T-Mobile billboard. And it had huge –

you know, images of cell phones with texts in it. So it was like, and it was like, sign up for our new plan. Yeah. One of these. And he went up there and did that to it. Yeah.

Your father passed away at, oh my God, what? He did that, dude. That's brilliant. That's amazing. That's really funny. Oh my God. So you're driving and you're like, what the fuck is that? Did your dad die? Oh my God. But see, this would make me like Samsung a lot. I know. I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny. Remember when he covered, so there is a gay bar in Silver Lake called MJ's right by our house. Oh my God.

And didn't he? He made a banner. Dude, this was brilliant. Well, they were closed. So the first thing was this neighborhood gay bar. Yeah, it was a gay bar. In Silver Lake. In Silver Lake, which is like the east side. Yeah, yeah. It's like a staple. It's near Los Feliz, right? Yeah, near Los Feliz. And the bar was closing. And so, you know, like the local community was like, oh, I can't believe it's, you know, it's closing. So he went there.

had a, like a big banner made, hung it up and then set up a website so that it would, they would be connected. And this is a, this is the most liberal kind of, you know, very tree huggy kind of area of LA. And he, this, the signs had coming soon, Silver Lake gun club. And, and,

And dude, here's the thing. He put the website, which was like HTML built and it had an eagle just going like this. And he put up a phone number that people could leave. And he goes, he's like, yeah, I just listened. They're like, we do not want this in our neighborhood.

And then sometimes he said he would answer when they would call. And he'd be like, Silver Lake Gun Club. And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm just, this is America, man. I can do what I want and hang up on them. Just listen to them get fired up. But this was all for his own amusement. That is so funny. There's really funny people out there. When you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. That's funny.

That's him. Is the website still live if you went to the website? No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn. That's really funny.

Yeah, there's people like him, though, you're saying, right? I'm not creative like that. Like, I wish I was. My humor works different than that. But I wish I had the ability to do that. Like, that's such a... Like, that and that T-Mobile thing, I mean, that made me laugh out loud. Like, that's really funny. That's really funny. I know, it's kind of like when, you know, sometimes you're around, you know, like, guys who are just comedy writers only. And some of the shit that they just come up with as an idea for, like, a scene or something, you're like...

They have just a gift for that type of creativity. Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done. I like doing that kind of stuff, and I think I'm okay at it, but I definitely think there's people that are far better. You're great at sketches. You're really good at that.

Like coming up with a funny scenario. I think you're really good at that. I mean, I'm okay. I think I'm okay. I think what happens is once you put yourself in a room with the people who are really good at it, you're like, Oh Jesus Christ. You know what? Always a jealous of are like the Twitter, the Twitter people.

The great tweets? Yeah. What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin was just such an ass and nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey fans. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points. No, and it always makes me laugh. Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah. The conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored. Just the amount of people that will go, like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot. Hey, girls, if you want to look more appealing to me, forget the push-up bras and push up the sides of your mouth. A smile is the new tits! Exclamation mark. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, this is amazing. I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power. I think he's probably right. Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really like he's never...

I remember I was on stage one time at the Cellar doing something. It was just whatever. I was just going from A to Z quickly. And he just walked through and he went, nice writing, lazy. And he was right. I was fucking, I'm lazy. He never is lazy with his writing. It's always, it's never the easy road. He doesn't do the audience's emotional work. I just, he's just great. He's the best guy. Yeah, his stand, and then, yeah, he can,

And then you like learn on his hours and shit too. You're like, God. Which is kind of annoying. That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do too.

But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing. No, and he makes it that way. No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious. I remember with Dave, too, I always tell this, but when I had worked with him, this is close to 20 years ago, and

I had, he was like really complimentary and I was like, you know, just starting kind of, I was like, this is fucking amazing. And then I saw him like a year later and I did a set and I did one of those jokes from the year before. And he was like, you're still doing that, huh? And I go, what? He goes, you're not writing? And I go, he's like, it's 20 minutes. You can't, you don't have a new 20 minutes. And I was like,

He goes, what, do you want to be like an actor or something? And I was like... And I was only a few years in. It was so cutting. But it was the same kind of thing where I was like, oh, I'm being lazy. Like, I haven't... Yeah, he's telling you something. He's fucking with you. Yeah. But he's also such a great... Like, no matter what he says, you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant. And I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much. Yeah. But I mean, he really is fucking... His mind...

Jazz on the cast ability to do that too. Like we're, we're like with, with Dave, you never see the punchline coming. And again, I have no idea where it's, you know, we write jokes. So you kind of know the fucking AB, you never see it coming and it annoys me. And jazz on like, even though he's got kind of like a, a cadence and a pace and you have an idea of where it might be,

90% of the time, I still don't see what it's going to be. You predict, you're like, this is going to be fucked up. Yeah. Or like, and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be. Yeah. But you don't always know. That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with Colin again. I never see it coming. When I don't see it coming, I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird like, fuck.

he's great and I'm just never going to be that. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. For sure, man. I mean, and then, and I think the, my maturity is in that, in accepting it, like in the times when I go, well, how about he's just great. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like when you play sports, right? Like fuck. And someone's really, and then one day you just go, yeah, he's just the best guy on the team. Like he's, that's just what it is. Right. At what point do we let go of,

Because there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say, like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not going to be that guy? And, like, when does that happen? I mean, I feel like I'm kind of... I feel pretty much in that, where I go, you know, I'm really lucky. I'm really happy that I get to work. Yeah.

And I have a fan base. And you go, yeah, there's just days where you go like, you know what? I'm pretty proficient at what I do. And some people really like it. Yeah. And then you go, when people talk about like the best of the best, you go, it's these people. And I guess like depending, like I don't want to act like it's the same every day. But I think there's a point where you just go, yeah, that's who they talk about. They talk about those guys. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I don't know what the period was where you like, you, you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll be always be good at what I do. And it's great. And people, some people like it and some people think it stinks. Yeah. And that's fine. Yeah. But that group, I'm not in that group. Yeah. I don't know when I came to accept that. Yeah, I know. I think it's a, I, I feel like it's kind of just this process.

Because another year goes by and you're like, yeah, I'm not in that group. Are you on lists? I never wind up on lists. Never. I'm never on lists. But see, a lot of that is like the machine, too, of publicists and also who's publishing that. It's usually one team of peeps. It's not that that's a lot of it. It's all of it. It is what it is. It's bullshit. It's not real. It's not even to diminish...

those people who are super accomplished. But lists are PR machines. That's what that is. A lot of times people on a list, a lot of times all have the same PR person. And sometimes they're plugged into this thing. And it's almost like I think the longer you do it too, when you start reading reviews of a special and somebody's like, you'll remember where you were when you saw this. You're like, this isn't really...

You know, this is just one person's feeling. It's just like if I wrote it, it's just my feeling. So, but yeah, on a top 10 list, I'm never on the list. Top 10? I mean, I'm talking top 100. I just... Oh, stop. Ha!

There he is. Oh, both of you are on the same list. Okay. You guys both are on the same list. Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton, five. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch. There you go. You guys are on the same list. Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before? Yeah, it's on fucking, it's on writersbone.com.

Thank you, writer's book. You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim. Oh, right. Well, I'm just seeing it. I feel refreshed. Do you feel better now? New sense of confidence. Yeah, this is pretty great. Can you find any more lists? Like good ones, though. Oh, 79 comedians to check out. We have to be on that, right? Are we on? Okay. Oh, you made it. Has amassed a little fan base. Cool.

What year is this? This is probably old. This is probably Nick Schwartzen. Yeah, this is old. Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from?

2020. He's like the prototype when they go, this is how you should, this is a comedian. Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Great writer. Very clever guy. And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful. But here's the thing, Jim Norton, is that if I want to hear about giving a five-year-old kid a blowjob,

I want it from you. You're the only guy that can tell that story. Well, when I was five, let's just clarify. Not like now. No, but... How do you get fired from driving a bus? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, sorry. When you were five. But I mean, do you know what I mean? Like, John Mulaney can't do that. I don't want him to do that. I know. I don't want him to blow five-year-olds. You know what I mean? It's also my favorite to edit. It's my favorite...

of stand-up. You guys know what I'm fucking saying, you schmucks. God. You guys are so immature. Grow up. To make it real clear, Jim is not talking about blowing kids down. Yeah, he doesn't blow kids down. No, no, no. I was also five. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to give him a compliment. Thank you. Jerks.

The point is, I like, but I like the deep weirdos and I've always liked that. I always like the darker stuff. And I'm not going to like, I don't like the stuff everyone else likes. You know what I mean? I think it's more valuable. Yeah. That you're a bit of a dark horse, a weirdo. I like that. If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good. Because that's what makes me laugh. Like, and again, it's the stupidest thing.

Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is. Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel. Yeah, that's true. You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah.

The guy who can tap into that. Yeah. True story. I've always, it's like the same reason, like, I don't watch PG movies. I like watching rated R movies. Like, that's what I, and I like watching rated R comedians. Like, that's my favorite thing to watch. Yeah, unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit.

which is such a great fucking hilarious movie there's a line where Jackie Gleason like he sees the cop in the thing and he goes next time wear a badge on your diety and it was covering the word dick but they it's so bad it's such a bad after dub um

But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, died-y. Like your diaper, whatever that is, it was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that. He's so funny. I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys, nobody was funnier than him.

Gleason. Gleason. Nobody. So funny. Especially in this movie. Oh, my God. Incredible. Also, I used to watch... I used to watch... As a kid, I would watch the Newlyweds, right? What was it called? What was the show that he was on from like the fucking... Oh, yeah. The Honeymooners. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to watch that as a kid all the time. He's like a... It's like a clinic in funny, natural acting. And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like...

Like, they said that if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to, like, remember a line. Like, he was just one of those guys that was just...

great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse um i think joyce randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that tricksy really yeah i think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not holy shit back then it was live yeah done and no one thought it would be anything else right because syndication didn't exist until i love lucy i

I think. - You got it, dude. Aubrey Meadows was the only cast member of The Honeymoons to receive residual payments for the show throughout her life.

This was due to a clause in her contract, which was the result of her manager's fault. Oh, see, I got it wrong. Yeah, I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Mendoz. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah. I mean, some of the lines were just really, really mad.

monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. You know, nothing that you could kind of, they had such a limited. Yeah, boundaries where they could work in. Corridor, yeah, your boundaries and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work. No. There's like an original Alice and I think she played a maid on later episodes but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Mm-hmm.

Great show. Amazing. You've never seen an episode, and I have to watch. You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing. Like, I know. I've seen Take Outs or whatever. Wow. I've never watched a full episode, no. There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was.

But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing. No, I was watching Mr. Ed growing up. Mr. Ed was good. This is great. And the Jeffersons, but that's not black.

Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. Really? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably at that time, that was the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled guy.

and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song, and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand-up, and I think he brought people on, but it was nice to get to know him. Yeah.

Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kept in touch for a while, and then he died. Oh, man. Yeah, that ended that. Can I ask you to throw the cans on for just one segment here? Because I think you're the perfect person to do this with. Oh, yeah. Oh, great. Can you hear well? I know you have audio. Yes, all good. So we'll show you these videos. Sure. Just a few clips, and you just tell me whether you think it's...

Horrible or hilarious. Okay. So we just like to play these for people.

Fuck. Oh, he laughed, though. It's both. It's horrible and it's hilarious. It is both. Just one more time. Here we go. Dude, I could see myself doing this, though. Oh, yeah, we can all... He just slid. Oh, dude. Right in the kneecap. Because you get confident sometimes around a pool. You're like, I'm going to have fun now. I'm a kid again. And then, yeah, you forget that you can break everything. And pool disasters...

Like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible. Concrete, steel, and yeah. Or a shallow end. It can all go sideways for you. Yeah, you can wind up in a wheelchair easily. Oh, yeah, this is pretty reckless. These guys are kind of assholes, man. Yes. Like people are standing around and...

This is... Oh, that's not cool. She's fucked up. Yeah. She's super fucked up. She is, yeah. But it's hard not to laugh because you know something's about to happen. Yeah, you do. And those guys are going, you know, that's definitely more than 30 miles an hour. That's a dick move, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a dick move. But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny. Yeah. Wow.

Is this how congested it is when you sled? No, this is crazy. And they're real crazy because like you could have cleared it. You know what I mean? You could have found a path. No, it's not normally like this. They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles. Oh, dicks. Well, then fuck you. Oh, I don't like this one. Fuck it. Okay, I like this one.

And that's not, I've seen really bad ones. That wasn't bad at all. No, it was a silly one. No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad. That's right. And also, this is where you can tell that there's going to be a real problem is right when he's about to, yeah. He's reaching for it. You're like, oh, that's going to be bad. Let's see.

The bar. No, it doesn't look like a standard bar, right? Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed. But it looks like it's not there. It's almost like an e-bike maybe because it's such a chunky area. Like a beach cruise? Like a cruiser? This isn't like a dirt bike, is it? No. It's different. He's using the wrong bike. He is, yeah. But he got lucky there. Saved his balls. Saved his balls. All right, this one. His teeth are gone, but his balls are gone. This is my final one. There you go.

Oh my god. Did he lose his shoes? I mean, he lost his face. He slid on his fucking face. Oh, that one got me. Yeah. That one got me. Poor fat idiot. Having fun trying to prove that he still got it. Yeah, he still got it with his buddy.

These are two dicks in khakis. Oh, my God. Wearing the same outfit, by the way. They're wearing the same outfit, these fucking morons. Oh, no. Clearly been drinking. Look at the stumble starts there. That's where he starts to go wrong. He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in... Well, he's not wearing shoes. That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? And he's like, let me take my shoes off.

Oh, is that fantastic? Dude, the skin just came off his face. I so wish we had the after shot of just, like, missing face. Do you ever see shots of that? Like, motorcycle accidents? I've seen, like, a lot of videos of people who, like, have these awful motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their, half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle. No way. Dude, I just saw a video of a tiger.

Attacking a guy? Have you seen this? Was it in a cage in India? Yeah, I think it's in some type of... It looks like it's... There's no reason for a person to be there and other people to be outside of it. So it must be at a zoo or something. But anyways, he doesn't die. And the aftermath is...

insane. I don't know if I saw it. How long did it last? That sounds really nice. Did you watch that on the toilet this morning? I watched it last week. I don't know how long the attack... So what happens is it starts with these tigers around this dude and then somebody shoots like they're trying to make the tigers run and the tigers scatter but then one comes back and starts gnawing on the guy and clawing on him and then it just goes to the hospital footage and these wounds are just...

I have it on my phone. I'll show it to you. Yeah, I would love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just...

walking around with him, dragging him by the head and people are throwing things. It's crazy how when an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed. He's not afraid of people hitting him. He's not intimidated by like... A lot of big cats too, even in the wild, they like to play with their prey before they eat it. So sometimes people are like, oh, that's cute. Like it's playing with that gazelle. And you're like, no, no.

It's going to eat it in a little bit here. He's having fun right now. It's net. There was one video. It was from an African safari, and it was like, it was either a gazelle or it was one of those, a buffalo stuck in the mud. Uh-huh.

Like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive. And then they bite its asshole out. Yeah. Because I guess that's sweet. But they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive. Nature is very unpleasant. Yeah. Yeah. And then intestines fall out. Yeah. They're like, this is delicious.

Yeah. Well, they like to eat the soft tissue first. So that's why they'll eat organs like that first. Oh, that makes sense. Nice and warm. So they'll eat like intestines and liver because they're like, oh, these are, it's easier to eat. And then they're like, all right, now we'll work through the tougher stuff. Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there.

just embarrassed making those noises and you're like god but you can never tell that's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator you have no idea what they're very hard to read that's very hard to read

All right. The new podcast is called Jim Norton Can't Save You. There's episodes out now. Yes. You're going to have guests that you choose to have on whenever you want. And you also have another podcast with Nikki. It's called Sword Fight. And we've just been doing it where we have guests come on and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week and I love it. Awesome. Awesome.

Thank you for coming in. You guys are great. Thank you. We really appreciate it. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Yeah. Tommy. Tommy. Marry your dad. Just like. Just like. Just like the gays. Just like. Just like the gays. Just like. Just like the gays. Just like. Just like the gays. Tommy. Will you marry your son?

Yes, of course. My God, I wish I could. Tommy, would you marry your dad? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course I would do it. Christina, would you marry your son? Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Would you marry your dad? Yeah, of course. I live for this condition.

Yeah. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Would you marry your mom? No. Come on. I think I'd marry my dad. Christina. Yeah. Would you marry your mom? I don't know. No.

your dad? Yeah, of course. For sure. Yes. Yeah. I really would. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays.