The Jiaoying Dynasty w/ Jiaoying Summers | Your Mom's House Ep. 741
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon, spend less, smile more. - I was at Cosmos, they were like, "You are so brave. "Are you sure you don't want us to make you skinnier "during the Photoshop?" I said, "No, I'm okay with this." They were like, "Love our time." - He just fed his uncle to some dogs and you're gonna blow him right now. - My mom is a hero. She brought me back from the dumpster even though my penis was missing. Can you imagine? - Yes. - Why are you complaining?

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. It is very satanic. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house.

I'm Tom. She's Christine. We have some really important things to discuss today. But before we get to those, Jean, where are you going to be? Oh my gosh. February 16th, I'm in Vancouver, BC at the Vogue Theater. Oh yeah. Saka Souffle. I'm so pumped to be doing Canada. And then I added an early show in Meat Rattle, Washington, February 17th. At the Neptune. At the Neptune, where I filmed my- I'm having a show!

chest pain. I filmed my first special. No, did I film my special there? No, I did. You did. Yeah. I didn't film anything there. I did. I wanted to. It's beautiful. And then the Palace of Fine Arts in Manfran Disco, California. February 18th and I added an early show in Jew Dork Titties at the Gramercy. And then the next night, nothing for me? Nothing? Hate!

Better. And then Ridgefield Playhouse and Ridgefield Cumnetic Hunt, March 24th. I love you, Christina P. What's up there, Chomo? ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets. Thank you, I love you. All right. There you go. We, uh...

It's the junior. It is. It is. I'm on tour. Look at your calendar, dude. I'm on tour right now. I'm in Omaha. And then I'm going. Things really pick up in February. The arena's Redding, Pennsylvania. I got two at the Hard Rock in Atlantic City and then Hanover. Then Bart Crystals and I added a show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on the 10th.

And then from there, it gets, yeah, it gets, this shit is big time. You're a crazy town. Portland, Maine, Manchester, New Hampshire, Mohegan Sun Arena, San Antonio, Dallas, Elton, Texas, Orlando, St. Augustine, Tampa, Hollywood, Salt Lake City, Boise, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Nashville, Charlotte, Raleigh, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Rama, Canada, Cincinnati,

San Jose, Lincoln, Des Moines, Kansas City, Camdenton, Wilkes-Barre Township, Jamestown, Verona, and Banger, Maine. Hey, that one speaks for itself. That one takes us through June. It's wild, homie. And then I'll announce at some point, probably this spring, I'll announce some dates for the late summer and into the fall.

So that's very exciting. Very exciting. Very amazed. It's very amazed. Anyhow, there's so much to get into. Why don't we just open the show and get rolling. You ready? I'm ready. Let's go. This fucking guy again. Damn. All natural. Yeah. Almost 36 years old, bro.

Is he wearing bangs? That was my dog. That was his hair all wrapped up. No, I've never done steroids. Nope. Never have done steroids. Never will take steroids. You know why? What's wrong with you? You should do steroids. Such a weird pose. What the fuck is that? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Mom Segura. And Christina Pagitsi. Christina Pagitsi. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

play it cv ray haun did this yeah remember before he passed he was done 10 years ago he paid him a thousand bucks he hooked it up i have so many thoughts on this guy

First of all... Shut the shit up! His hair is... He looks like he has Betty Page bangs. Remember how long it was? Right. So right now he's just folded it up. But why does he have... He created a bang? It's very hard. It's so much hair. He's got a full head of hair. Sure. He's got great genetics. I'm not taking that away from him. Who's saying anything is bad. It looks amazing. That back pose is very strange. But...

You know, he definitely has the foundation. Well, and his panty choice is odd. Those are tight little panties. Most American men don't wear European. But bodybuilders, to be fair, they do. Oh, they wear the speedos. That's what they wear, so he's showing you his body. You know what that is? That's so gay. That's so guy. Too many fucking dudes in their 20s.

Back in the early 2010s, late 2010s, died of fucking heart attacks. It's not something I'm willing to risk. Nope. Just saying the truth. Not something I'm willing to risk as a natural bodybuilder. I'm almost 36 years old, bro. I do it natural. I've only had a chicken sandwich today and that was it.

That's so gay. I will say this. He does have the foundation for a great physique. Sure. Like he actually, he's almost 36. He looks great. I think he has a great physique. It's, it's, you know,

It would be time, I think, to turn on the roids, though, if he really wants to take it to the next level. Is that what he needs to do, you think? Yeah. Or you've got to be so hardcore with the lifting and the eating. I mean, he said he's only had a chicken sandwich. I think most bodybuilders would say you're just not eating enough. Enough protein. He needs more protein. And clearly, he gets with the ladies. Look, his house has the black light path. I mean, it's perfect. It's what chicks like. Chicks love this. Yeah, yeah. I mean, his eyebrows are incredible. Look at his eyebrows. Everything.

It's so funny because definitely what men think women want and what women want, it's just chasms. What are you talking about? You don't know shit. Hold on. Took my supplements. I didn't even work out today. Oh, bam. Took my supplements and that was it. Look at that. It's a cool tattoo. Right there. Shook that shit out. He's very...

He's very pleased. That's the true fountain of youth right there. Genetics. Yeah. And just diet and exercise. That's it. But genetics does play some part in it. I think he's right about this, too. I like his traps. Yeah. He's got good traps. Shut the shit up. I know I'm really fucking cocky, but it's because it took a long time to fucking build up my fucking muscles. Yeah. You know what I just noticed? What? He shaves his chest.

He shaves his whole body. That's what bodybuilders do. That's what bodybuilders do. They show you their muscles. They shave. Oh my God. Yeah, they shave everything. Oh my God, Annie.

It's just like he realized that the Huns are Hungarians. I just realized that bodybuilders shave their bodies. Yeah, he blew my mind with that shit. Oh, he didn't know that? No. We're like descendants of Asians, the Huns. I can't believe it. Like, it makes sense. They're Mongolian. They're Mongoloids. They're Mongoloids. It blew my mind. I don't know shit about history, so I mean, it kind of makes sense. But yeah, that's crazy. Well, I don't think we can really just glass over the fact that, what, did you go ahead and get your transplant? What's going on with your hair? Yeah, I'm kind of feeling it out, you know? Yeah.

sad boy vibes yeah oh it's so emo I think it kind of fits me you know what I'm saying so it's a particular lane of black guy for sure yeah we've all met that guy and we're like wow he is not like the others there was one there was a goth boy who was black that kicked it with us yeah and he was the coolest and he we called him Oreo well he called himself Oreo I was gonna say no he was cool he was the coolest

Those guys get it. You just kind of, we got there the long way. And we called him Oreo. He was the coolest. Well, he was. And can I tell you, all the girls wanted to be with him. He was gay, but we all would have. Yeah. You wanted to have Oreos. Because he was the rare anomaly in the group. He was the coolest. Yeah. There's nobody like you.

He didn't want to get with any of you. He didn't hook up with any of us. Because women, according to you, want something different. Yeah. So it took me 47 years to realize this because I was listening to some people talk, comedians were having green room chat. And I was like, oh, guys, this is so stupid, but

Guys really do look at the meat vessel first and they're like, I like her tits. I like her hair. I like those legs. I want to fuck that girl. And then if they allow it, like if the girl's like, well, hold on, let's not fuck first. I need to talk with you. Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah. And then they talk and then you guys get to know the girl. Right. That's male courtship.

The woman, at least to me, I can't speak for all of us, but I'm like, yeah, this is decent enough, but what's on the inside? Are you a serial killer? Are you going to kill me or beat me or something like that? And I can even like an ugly person if they're nice enough. Men grow on you. But for dudes, your junk is wired to fuck a certain thing and that's it. Yeah, well, some of it's biological. You know what I mean? Like when you...

hit 16, 17, 18, that's when your hormones start to like really spike. And you're actually designed

to seek mates like that's what you're you know i mean like fuck society shapes you in a way now that you go like hey be civilized right but your insides are like pursue females so that you have some receptacle for this you know and just where your cum receptacles yeah you want to spread your seed that's what you're wired to do right and then you know you learn hey you have to approach but it takes you a while to know that you don't know that you're just like hey

I've decided that you make my dick hard. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. That's what it is. And, and,

Like, you know, I watch all these dumb BBC shows that you make fun of me for. You're like, you're so gay for watching these old lord and ladies. But the lords will be like, might I call on you sometime? Yeah. And that literally is like, hey, I want to put my dick in you. But because of this whole societal thing, I can't. Right. I'm just going to kind of like come to your house and we can walk in your garden until I propose to you and then I can fuck you. Like they force delayed gratification. But the thing is like.

Also, that guy, I think I saw that scene. Yeah. He was already like his tea was going down. You could tell, you know. You think he was a low tea king already? Yeah, I think so. I don't think he was like really like he wasn't like this guy, you know. Nobody's like this guy. Yeah. But that was back in the 1800s. You had to call on a lady. You had to call on a lady. Yeah. I mean, I think the funny thing is the older you get, the more that becomes right. Your tea kind of balances out. Yeah.

And now you go like, hello, I'd like to get to know you. But when you're in your 20s, it takes a minute to make that adjustment.

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Yeah. It's fuck first, talk later. Talk later. Yeah. But that's why the girls need to know like, no, no, no. When they're coming after you like that, you have to stop and then talk to me first. It depends on your goal. Is your goal to bang it out too? Because a woman can be like, I just want to bang. Or is your goal a relationship? If you're looking for a relationship and you hope it's a long-term one,

you are probably better served to go, can I talk to you for a second, man? Yeah. But if you're just like, if you just want to bang it out, then hey, by all means, bang it out. But a lot of times most women are like, I don't want to just give it out for nothing, right? Well, because it doesn't serve our, I mean, it doesn't really serve your interest long term. Long term it doesn't. Because a lot of guys, it's true, like there's a stereotype, but a lot of guys will go, oh,

I banged her. I'm not interested now. Well, of course, because you got the meat vessel. You got what you wanted. Yeah. And now you're out and you may not stick around. Unless that shit is tighter than a keyhole, then you'll just keep coming back. For how long though, even. That loses its flavors. Yeah, true. Then you just go, you pursue another one. You're like, I want this one over here. But then it got me thinking like back in the days of lords and ladies in England and stuff, like, so he couldn't bust nuts until he got a ring on it. That's fucking crazy.

bro but like so were those guys jerking off a lot probably not because they had servants right so your servers had to jerk you off bro yeah they didn't even put their own socks on that means it was somebody's job to jay lord and dukes whatever d yeah will you google it josh is a little like in the 1800s like did dukes have people who jerked their dicks like did your butler just j or d

And I, this is really long, but nobody teaches you that. And I studied medieval and Renaissance stuff in England and they didn't bring this up. Sex surrounded by their servants. Is it because their servants were simply their property and their significance made them not care about their present? I don't know.

It wasn't just servants who surrounded them. Members of the ruling class often had sex with their brides in front of their court nobles. But that's just showing that they're banging in front of people. Well, yes, when you lose, so on the night of the wedding, in order to make sure the marriage is consummated, in France they would do that.

then they would have like the they were in as actually a status symbol to be invited how about that one yeah it's a good wedding night are you listening to me yeah yeah yeah you're invited to watch king louis his new wife that's rad that's a hot ticket that's what i'm saying yeah i'd watch that oh yeah i don't know i have to watch him the sun king jesus

Now that's King Charles II. They were two of the most lustful kings of England and they worked well to cultivate their reputation as being the ultimate symbols of virility. King Charles II was the first king to use condoms but still managed to have six children as well as at least 14 official bastards by seven different mothers. This guy was fucking living.

King Edward VII was said to have at least three to four women a week for 50 years. And with his specially designed sex chair, he was easily able to entertain two ladies at once. God damn. Neither king was terribly fussy and they certainly were not snobs, happily taking their pickings from noblewomen and actresses as well as prostitutes.

It was 350 years ago this month that King Charles II cemented his reputation as the ultimate royal playboy when he fell for English actress Nell Gwynne in 1669, even though he was married and juggling at least six other mistresses. Man, these kings were really living it up. Scroll down some. Let's see what else. Any good little tidbits here? Ruling England, da-da-da-da.

There was a lot going on during the, I'm sorry, I can't. Can I tell you my flaw in my theory though? Yeah. I figured it out.

These guys don't even have to J their D. No, no. That's how royal they are. Of course. They don't spill their seed. He's never jerked his dick. There's a peasant who comes. If you're a king. Right. He's just like this one. This one. And then a person is always a receptacle to your gist. And also when the king, especially in this era, goes, hey, you. Yeah, yeah. There is no like, I'm not into this. Or I'm married, I can't. No, there's a whole series devoted to this. When the king chooses you, you have to do it. Yeah, you'll die. You'll die.

Yes. If you go like, I don't want this. It's like treason. It's like an act against the king if you don't fuck him or be his mistress. And most of them, I got to say, these kings do not look very attractive. No, they're all super inbred. Yeah.

A lady-in-waiting. A lady-in-waiting, a court lady, a personal assistant at court. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in courts where polygamy was practiced, a court lady was formally available to the monarch for sexual services. And should she become his wife consort, and she could become the wife consort, court is in her concubine. Well, that's what happened with Henry VIII and, yeah, Lady Jane Grey, I think, was one of the, I don't freaking remember. Well, it's lovely. It's a lovely story.

It's so cool. Yeah. Cause I remember the King Jong Il stories. Yeah. Let's talk about that. Kim Jong Il, one of the fucking coolest guys of all time, if you don't know, son of Kim Il Sung, father of Kim Jong Un.

kim jong-il lived it up like he partied hard and they had trained much like the old english kings these ladies in weight they were the same uh for kim jong-il and they trained them to his preferences and they they took care of them like they lived well and then it was just like knock knock king jong-il's dick is hard you need to get in there and do his all his favorite little tricks

And, you know, if you satisfied them, I think you kept living well. And if you didn't, you might go bye-bye forever. Like sent to a labor camp, might get your tits chopped off. I bet if you get pregnant, they just kill you. Oh, for sure. Just throw you in the fire. Well, that's what the guard, there's a documentary about the guard

the labor camps and one of the guards who, who actually escaped, he, he ended up going to, went to South Korea. They, um, they asked him, he was like, yeah, we would just find pretty ones. And then we would, we'd go come in here and they wouldn't have a choice. So it, I mean, it's, it's, you know, it's basically forced, but it's not forced. Does that make sense? Like you're so,

it's the guard at the labor camp. So you're just like, okay, let me get out of this. And then he goes, and then if they got pregnant, he goes, we would just send, he laughed. He goes, we just send them back to the labor and then they die there. And he smelled, he was like, ah, just how it goes.

I love how you're LOLing. It was pretty fucking crazy. It's horrible. It's pretty crazy. Dude. Oh, shit. This is why you don't see people on the streets in North Korea. Women hide because they're literally taken in as like sex toys to the Kim Jong-un. 2,000 sex slaves for Kim Jong-un? Wow. This is disgusting. This is how men are. So fucking gross. Yeah. You guys are the worst. Not really. If you think about it, we're kind of the best because...

He's helping them all do better. Until they get pregnant and then they're done. You got to die. You got to die, dummy.

But Korean food is delicious. That's the problem. Oh, my God. It's my favorite. I would be Kim Jong-un's sex slave if he was like, there's going to be Calbee. Oh, sundubu every day? Sundubu, bulgogi, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Does he at least feed his concubines? All of them. Yeah, for sure. Because he wants to keep them healthy. You live well when you're part of the harem. When you're Kim Jong-un's. Yeah, for sure. It's probably actually a great gig to get. To be his mistress, yeah. If you live in North Korea...

Yeah. And the alternatives you consider and you go, do you want to just be, you want to blow that guy? Cause you get to live in this cool place. But the problem is there's no longevity. The minute he's sick, he's sick and tired of you. You're thrown away in the garbage. Like you live to be 30 and that's it. Yeah. But I mean, 30 great years. Pretty cool. Yeah. Can you imagine?

Yeah, comfort women. That's what I'm saying. Some worked as maids, but the most sexually attractive were ordered to become comfort women for powerful officials. Yeah, that's why there's no broads on the streets. Look at him eyeballing those two and they're just like... So scared to make eye contact. Oh my God, you'd be so scared to be these guys' lover. His especially. Jesus Christ. Fucking... This guy, remember when Trump said that thing? He's like, this guy with the uncle? Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Do you know how he killed his uncle? I forget. His uncle had threatened, had been part of, there's always been conversations in North Korea in different cabinets to overthrow these guys, all the Kims, right? But when Kim Jong-un took power after Kim Jong-il died, there was his uncle and other head cabinet members were talking about overthrowing him, right? And ending this wild dictatorship.

Well, he found out that his uncle was part of this conversation. So he took him out to a field.

and placed alone and then had grandstands for viewing oh many yards away you can buy tickets to it well i think it was just for like the elite his homies and also for the homies so he goes like check out yeah here's a message and then he had his uncle killed with an anti-aircraft missile because he goes i don't want a speck of hair to survive wow so a guy is just standing there and then

like blows them up like that. And he just fucking evaporated. And then he was like, you guys want to go to lunch? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I think the message is clear, right? Those so clear, but that's what the medieval, that's what these guys did, the old Kings and stuff. So he's like living in 1500. That's wild, dude. It's pretty fucking cool. Oh, this is a, this is the same one or a different one. This must be a different uncle. Okay. This says that his execute, um,

Was eaten alive by 120 hungry dogs. Okay. Well, they're very hungry in North Korea. That makes sense. This, I was told, this has to be a different guy, right? This has to be a different guy. I think so, yeah. Oh my God. 120 hungry dogs ate his uncle. That's a brutal way to go too. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't think dogs... I think it's much more painful. But I didn't think dogs would eat people, but I guess they do. Yeah. I thought maybe a coyote would eat a wild dog. If you train them to eat meat. A wild dog. And you starve them. Not a domesticated, like Bitsy wouldn't be. No, Bitsy would. You get some rock wilders. Rock wilders.

German shepherds are so hungry for blood. So it looks like these were part of the same thing. It was the defense chief that he killed with the anti-aircraft stuff. And then his uncle, he vented the dogs. I got it wrong. It's still pretty cool. The defense chief was killed. And this makes more sense. The person closer to him had a more miserable death because the missile kills you. You don't feel anything.

Hungry dogs eating you, you feel being ripped apart. Yeah. If I hated you more, definitely the dogs. Cool. Yeah. Here you go. They're showing you. And then the other guy got. I'm screaming. Jesus Christ. Despicable human. And then imagine hearing that story and then you get a knock at your door and be like, guess whose dick you're about to suck. Lover time. He just fed his uncle to some dogs and you're going to blow him right now.

Can you imagine the terror? You're fucking terrified. Yeah. Did I do good? You just come dripping down your face. Are you mad at me? There he is looking at Unk. There he is right there.

Those aren't good claps. That's probably why he killed him. He was just like... Dude, if I lived in North Korea, I would just live in a hole in the ground. Oh, they do. I would just find my apartment, my shitty sad apartment, and I'd dig a fuck... I'd build another bunker just to disappear. A lot of them want to. Can I just dig a hole, dig a tunnel to South Korea? Can we do that? I wanna... I would spend my entire life with a spoon just digging my way to South Korea. You remember I found... Fuck!

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Remember I showed you these a little while ago. Welcome to the day in the life of a 29-year-old small business owner. People hate her, guys. Yeah, for no reason. They're so mean to her. Please delete your account. Stop lying. You don't go to the gym. You don't go to the gym.

You know, you motivate me to not be huge. So mean. We found another guy who's also just living his life like being a nice guy. He's like, oh, here, I'll show you the video. Updated max bench. I noticed strength gain physically session to session and feeling that translates to my max number is rewarding to say the least. Week by week, I've been adding more and more plays to the bar. And after what's felt like no time at all, I've already gotten my one rep max from 235 plays to 245.

I have an Olympic bar, which makes us a total of 135, which makes me more and more excited to chase that big 150 mark. Okay, so this guy is essentially just going, hey, I've been lifting weights and I'm trying to get stronger. And by the way, I'm getting there, like incrementally. Well, the way you get stronger, just putting out this video. Okay, so...

So one of the first four things, Smith machine doesn't count. That's the machine that he's using. It's not freestanding. So it has that, that's called a Smith machine. And what happens is you don't have to use any stabilizing muscles, right? You just, it just, you just get to go up and down. It's like a resistance. Well, is it a real bar? It's a real, the bar is actually, he's actually, that's probably not a, um,

an Olympic bar. It's a little lighter. But the main thing is that you don't have to control the weight yourself completely. The machine keeps it from moving this way. You just have to push it up, right? Got you. Call it a Smith machine. So they go, Smith machine doesn't count. 135 on Smith is like 95. Three, you're gay. Four, sending hate from Canada. Look at the likes. 113,000. What? It's so weird. It's so weird.

You're gay. Your gloves are gay. Smith machines are gay. I'm a 10th grader and I bench more than you. 10,000 likes. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. It's so mean. Don't ever step foot in Northwest Morocco. Oh, shit. Somebody said I'm that. Hate from Australia. Just hate. And they're the friendliest. I know. And usually these messages say like love from, right? Sure. That's the whole thing. Love from. 5,000 likes. Hate from Albania. 19,000 likes. Yeah. Yeah.

- Dude, what? - Put on 4:15 and drop it on your face. Insane.

So he's like, here's all my stuff.

I actively pray for your downfall. Imagine being like, I'm just trying to take better care of myself. With the current global turmoil between nations, they all still manage to unite together to hate on this guy. That's so true. It's so crazy. Homie's on an estrogen cycle. Jesus. All he did was go, I made chicken today. They're like, we fucking hate your guts, dude. Oh, Jesus Christ. Diet consists of hormone blockers and soy milk. Yeah, you just...

It's just funny that some people's, I don't know. I know what it is. Can I tell you my theory? Yeah, tell me. I have a theory. I have a theory. Okay, A, number one, the common denominator between the heavy set lesbian and this is that they are a...

like gay or trans or like wait right so right away there's that kind of maybe a little bit homophobic they're nerdy too yeah well there's the trans or the homophobia too number one a little bit of that I don't think either one is trans just so you know well you know what no I'm just saying like a little gayness yeah yeah they're fey yeah they're gay

Whatever. There's that. And then also they're nice, like submissive beta types. They're sincere too. Which the earnestness and the sincerity lends itself to bullying. These are just the kids that got bullied in school. It's the same thing. And they're just getting what they deserve on social media. I can't get what they deserve, but the kid who's like the backpack dorks weighs more than them. And they walked like this. And then someone just goes, shove them into a locker. Yeah. Yeah.

what's that all about? And they're like, whatever. It's fucking idiot. Picks themselves up like, and they're just doing this online. Yeah. It's funny that it never changes. That's middle school and high school. This is,

fucking 30 year old people and people are still like fuck you man yeah but but they're trying to stop bullying now in schools or it's like it's never gonna stop it just shows you that this is human nature of course human nature goes who's weak who's weak and then they they go for it now here's the thing the same i don't know if it translates on online in real life that kid because you've even seen like the videos of it now with everyone having cameras kid who gets bullied like that

Sometimes they pop a bigger kid in the face and everyone's like, oh shit, it changes. It changes the dynamic. Yeah, yeah. But like online, I don't know if there's much you can do because you can't really fight the internet. You lose every time you try to fight the internet. Well, I mean, look, you can change the earnestness of the tone instead of being like, and I don't usually have famine in my diet. See, now I'm starting to fucking hate it. You are. You're totally mocking this kid. Yeah, because now I'm like, what?

Don't fucking say that. Just say, bro, I'm about to get jacked as fuck. Here's what I eat. Because that's a person with high self-esteem would be like, here's what I eat in a day to gain weight and get fucking ripped. You come with me on this journey. That's a different time. Why do his arms look big with no definition? Triceps take up about 70% of your arm muscles, so training them will make your arms look more full. I overdid it on my first round of tricep training, which was a little over a month ago, so I've been waiting for my elbow pain to subside, and it's finally time to train them again.

Overall, I'm happy with my current progress, but I can feel some serious gains coming my way in the near future. Okay. How harassed is he getting? If you try fentanyl, your arms will grow even bigger. Holy shit, bro. Oh dear. Oh dear. Don't listen to any positive comment. Oh my God. I fucking hate you. What type of tampon do you use? Oh man.

So the other thing is, I realized the only way this kid can defeat this. You want to know what it is? What? He just stays in the pocket, keeps training and actually gets jacked. And then people respect you. And then all of a sudden they'll be like, oh shit, he did it. And then they're like, hey man, I was always a big fan, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to say shit to try to motivate you. I'm glad it works. That's exactly what they'll do. That's how you win. Yes. You know, like that girl, the coffee girl that gets bullied. Yeah. If she, I don't know, lost something.

and then posted that, they'd be like, hey, good job. Good job. They're attacking your weakness and then you have to show them that you're not weak. Well, either that or you double down on your dorkiness. That's the other way. For instance, there's this dork. Can you find this nerdy boy? He's an English guy. He's the train enthusiast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And he's like, oh, I'm

I'm so excited today I found and he doubled down on it and hold on and he goes today I'm having a party with me friends on the train and he's got a girlfriend he's got friends here's something about that guy though I think that's a bit of an act no I don't know I did a deep dive on him I think it's a bit of an act I think he he was there was like a little bit of sincerity and then he dials it up

He dials it up. So he leaned into the dorkiness and go, you know what? I am a dork. Fuck you. Here's what I like. And guess what? I'm getting laid and I have friends suck my train loving dick. That's what these, these dorks need to do. And I think that's what the other girls doing the donut coffee enthusiast. She laughs at them. This guy's so sweet. Look at his jumper.

Can you play one? He gets so pumped. I'm so excited. We're up to Birmingham today to see one of my favorite classes of locomotive, the class 56. And even better still, I think a really great driver called Tony will be driving. Please give it some power. Yeah! There's no way he's like... They love it. I love it though. I love watching this car. Yeah!

Oh, it's Tony Middleton. Okay, I'll tell you why I kind of get this now. That's exactly what I wanted. I want to beat the fucking shit out of this guy. I know. Just on that post alone. I know. Yeah. I know because he's a dork. He's a dork. But it bothers me the dorks are like. You still like trains? You know what I mean? Hold his head. Like hold it so it's like on the tracks. Like that, you know.

I am glad to see the internet correcting itself now. Yeah. Where it's like, guess what, guys? This dynamic between humans is never going to change. Teenagers are going to shit on the weak ones. It's never going to. No one's going to have total acceptance. All you do is you don't let them kill him. Yeah, don't hurt him physically. Well, I mean, you know, shove him into a locker, smack him in the head, like that stuff. But don't, you know, don't crack his fucking jaw.

Well, let's put it this way. I mean, I got bullied or whatever in seventh grade physically, but I was getting into fights. Yeah. But it did help me. It corrected me because then I was like, oh, I don't, you shouldn't say stuff to people. Like you shouldn't mouth off. And then I just learned how to hide who I was and, you know, slowly become...

Traumatized, depressed, and suicidal. But I'm just saying that it was kind of good for a long time. It made me funny. I got, I got like three kids like beat me up the first day of fifth grade. And then, um,

Afterwards, I just worked out more that summer. I came back stronger. Then they were like, oh, what's up, man? Tried to be friends. It's true. Everybody gets it. Is anybody immune to bullying? I don't think so. I peed on a kid's stuff one time. You peed on a kid's stuff? Yeah. Huh? I was pissed on his stuff. Did you hate him or just peer pressure? No, no. No one was there.

I just didn't like him. I'm pissed on all his stuff. How'd that turn out? I don't know. He was fucking going crazy trying to figure out who did it. Oh, you never fessed up? No, of course not. I was just like, who would do that to you? Did you get into trouble? No, no one knew. How old were you? 17. Really? Yeah. Fucking tool. That's cool. Yeah. You can still do that. Jack off on people's stuff, pee on it, wipe shit on it.

I feel like you can actually. Yeah. Because that one you can get away with. Yeah. You can do it. It's very upsetting to people when they find out you peed on their stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. That would upset me so much because then you're like, who did this? Yeah. It's a fucking joke.

Fucking douchebag. Yeah. All right. Let's take a quick break. Sure. We'll be right back. We are back and welcoming for the first time a hilarious comedian. You can check out the Tiger MILF podcast. You can see her in New York on January 21st at New York Comedy Club. It's Zhao Ying Summers, everybody. Hey!

I'm so happy to be here. Zhao Ying, you're my absolute favorite. And you're just blowing up. You just came back from doing a movie. And who is it with? Some famous guy? I don't know. Brian Austin Green. She just came back from Spain. You did a movie. You're just in Cosmopolitan Magazine. You did the Apollo movie.

that happened. It was packed. It was good. How was that? It was really good. I couldn't believe there's so many Chinese showed up, but there's no Chinese restaurant that's opening in Harlem. I feel bad for the black people that wait. There's like, um, there, there's a huge Chinese population in New York. There are. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. There's probably, I mean, New York is famous for amazing Chinese restaurants. Yes. Do you have a favorite, um, he,

like stateside place to get good Chinese food? In New York, it will be Flushing's. In LA, it will be Arcadia, Monterey Park, San Gabriel. That's where all, that also has like the great sushi, hidden sushi spots. Yes. Hidden Chinese spots. Like everybody goes to San Gabriel when they want the authentic shit. Yes. Yeah. That's where the Chinese people live, babe. I mean,

I mean, I'm just saying like the LA people will make that trip if they want it like the real deal. Yeah, that's real. I think the food quality is also very good in America. There's no fake eggs. So like actually it's like really good food even compared to China. There's eggs that are fake in China. Shut the front door. Yeah, it looks like a real egg but it's a chemical. China is also really good at fake

Anything. Yes. Yeah. There's fake Apple stores in China. Do you know about this? I'm pretty sure there is. There's fake Apple stores. So like not Apple products. The whole store is counterfeit. That's so crazy. I hope it's discounted. Probably. But I mean, they have the best counterfeit watches. Watches are good. I got you a good one in South Korea when I was a kid.

They do the designer bags, designer clothes. They even have counterfeit cars. That's how meticulously well done that shit is. Yeah, I'm actually a man. Yeah, and you do such a good job. What is that about the Chinese culture? Why do they like counterfeiting shit so much? I think...

Being wealthy is so important. It's like Japan in the 70s when Japan have other cars, they start getting wealthy. They spend so much money buying luxurious goods. But in China, the few people are very wealthy and the majority of people are not wealthy. But

In China, it's so competitive for men to get a woman because of one-child policy. There's way more men, less women. So all the big fat ugly bitches, they can pick hot guys. And they also demand cars, nice cars. Like apartments for their ugly brothers to get wives. Wow. It's just that right now, all the men are paying the price for the one-child policy. Now, didn't that policy just recently change?

- It changed, but people were just like, "It's so expensive to raise children. "I prefer to not have any or just one." - But the state was saying, "Hey, go ahead and have more." - Yeah, have more. But because of the people are getting older and also there's way more men at this age is getting married and less women. And it's very hard for them to get married. So they just want to look like they have all the nice things. It's so competitive.

to find a wife. I heard this thing about, you know, there's always espionage, right, between our countries, between China and the U.S., I mean all countries, but it's like notable, the espionage there. And they said that one of the reasons, I've heard this, that it's very hard to get somebody who's a Chinese national to become a U.S.,

Spy is that in China they look very low down on government jobs like working for the government is like the shittiest job you can get Is that true? They just I feel like in China because you can make so much money doing business Yeah, and also they look down on doctors and lawyers People don't think being a doctor lawyer makes more money doing business make way more money, right? So I think if you have to go to work you have a clock in you are a loser. I

That's how they think. So a government would be like a super loser. Yeah, you have to go to work. But some people say laying in bed and making money. That's what people's dream is. They open stores like the fake Apple stores. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know what I love about the Chinese too is that you guys are...

You guys are very unabashedly into material things. There's no shame about like, be rich, be rich, make your money. And I think in America, it's like we have a shame about it. But then we're like, oh, but I'm still just a good person, even though I'm rich. You guys aren't like that. Yeah, I just feel like money is power. It is everything. Even if it's a war, it's all about money. Who has more money?

We only have people who is gonna benefit us financially. That's all. It's ugly, but that's the truth. Because you can just make fun of, just attack all the people you hate and just do the talk, but you are not gonna treat your son to fight for the war. So your son can die for the people you are righteous reasons. You don't want that. People just talking is cheap. Just get the fucking money and get the fuck out of the war zone, bitch. That's the only way you can do. You just fuck the right guy, steal the right money, get the fuck out.

off the war zone. That's the only thing you can do. Stop bitching about it. Yeah. I think, no, the funny thing is I remember talking to the Peters about this, you know, Russell Peters, Clayton Peters, and their parents are Indian, right? They came from India to, they immigrated to Canada. And we talked about

about how there's kind of like no shame in the Indian culture, at least here, maybe, I don't know if it's the same India, about showing, right? - Wealth. - Showing wealth. - Sure, and the fatter you are, you have more money, you're eating. - But like the wealth thing was like a display of like, yeah, we came here and we made it. So like you show, right, with clothes, with cars, with status,

And there's no shame in that. It's like you're always showing your stuff. - I think because in America, you guys have the old money. You guys being wealthy for a long, long, long time. So people who are showing money means they are new money. So you look down at them. But like in India and China, after the war, the country is new. When you have money, that means you came from nothing. You have money means you are disciplined, you work hard, you have talent.

So people like to show it off. It's like showing off, I work a long time for this. It's a sign of hard work. But in America, it's like, we have the Rockefellers. Where are you from? TikTok? You know, disgusting. I think that's probably why. The new money split too in China is very like,

it's substantial, right? And it is very new for some. Like when we, I was in Hong Kong and then we go to Macau and in Macau, we're walking around and you see these like little Chinese dudes walking

And they have a Prada shirt, Gucci shades, like all this shit. And like the people that were taken around, they're like, that's a new money guy. Like he just got, he's from maybe like a fucking farmland. Yeah. And he just came into money and he wants everybody to know. He's like, I got fucking money. Yes. So he's showing you with everything. Yeah. It's very distinct. Eastern Europeans too. Totally. Yeah. So my stepdad was Indian. My mother was Hungarian. And the first thing they did when they got money, like,

it legit like Rolex and like I have Mercedes is a good car and she drive her Mercedes with her new ring down to the women's gym that she went to when she was poor and she said fuck you bitches look I'm rich now and that like it was it literally was a day that my mother was so stoked that she could drive her Mercedes and show her ring and be like I made it fuck you I probably also came yeah she's shining them visit her ring and thing she's like

The same with my stepdad, you know, he was skinny and hungry his whole life. And then he moved to America. He's like, fuck you. I'm eating. I'm eating. I'm going to get fat and rich and, you know.

I get it. I get it. Yeah. I get it. When you come from nothing, you want to fucking show motherfuckers that you're not shit too. Yeah. Because they think you're shit. They think you're shit. Yeah. You have a great story. Would you mind telling our listeners and my husband your whole story? Oh my God. Yeah. So I grew up in China in the 90s. There's the one child policy. In Northern China. Northern China. My mother was afraid I would be...

So she had me in the hospital, in my home. So just in case I was a girl so they can get rid of me. And then they would never had a child so they can be having another one, hopefully the boy. And my father was taking me out and my mom just, she just feel like, you know what?

She's ugly, but she's a fighter. She cried. You dropped her. Like she didn't die. If she didn't die after you drop her, maybe she's not going to die. You know, I'm going to keep her. Yeah. So she kept me, but she made sure I know it every day. That you. Yeah. I'm like, not a prize. I'm from the dumpster. She saved my life. She's my hero. So that's why, like I, for the longest time, I have no patience for weakness. Like I was in school in Kentucky. My friends are like, my mom is a bitch. She did not come to my ballet recital twice in middle school. Yeah.

I'm like, because you are a fat bitch. You're a lot of ballerina. If you're good, she'll be there. Look at you. Refund her the money. Like, are you kidding me? My mom is a hero. Like she brought me back from the dumpster, even though my penis was missing. Can you imagine? Like, why are you complaining? Yeah. But what I love about you is that Jo Ying wanted to come to America so bad that she went to Kentucky. I went to Kentucky. Was your, okay. Was your vision of what it would be. And,

like what it became? No. Well, you imagined like the promised land. Yeah. I imagined the Hollywood movies. I watched the, you know, Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe and the Halle Berry. And you're like, that's America. Yeah. Yeah. Then I went to the Cousinland. Like I just, I didn't understand it. What is going on? Were you depressed when you got here? I mean, I, I, I'm happy. I'm not with my mom anymore. So that's good. Yeah. Hmm.

But I did not become hot because I was slouching. I was not confident. I tried to cover my big face with my hair. I was just hiding around in the corners. But I was very good at math and I was tutoring mathematics. I thought you said I was good at meth. Well, I should try that too. Yeah, yeah. But you were good at math and you were tutoring kids. Yeah, I was doing math and I was making money. And then I met a model girl who started teaching me makeup.

Then I'm a painter so I start doing makeup for people. I don't know how to do it but I know how to draw shit on their face. So I just start doing putting flowers on those like butterflies on their face. So I start making money doing makeup. I start trying to look like a woman. Then I decided to become a girl. I start showing my face stop slouching and then

I just become a pretty girl. Yeah. Out of the blue. It was crazy. Did you date American men? Yes. I had my first boyfriend, a Kentucky guy, Kentucky boy. How was that? I think he's just like a,

He wanted to learn Chinese from me. I think that's what he wanted to learn. Yeah. Learn Chinese. Really? Because he wanted to go to Japan and his visa was rejected. Then he's like, okay, I'm just going to try China. And you know, he wants to go to China. He wants to speak Chinese. My sister speaks Mandarin. That's amazing. And that's useful. Your face right now is exactly like, I've told this story before. So she joined the Navy and went to the language Institute.

And then they do hardcore, like eight hour a day classes, like five, six days. Like these people are heavily immersed in,

So I saw her after a break and we went to a restaurant and the, it was one of those like, you know, the Japanese, but they just take any Asian. They're like, you're Japanese. So he's chopping it up, doing it. She starts speaking Mandarin. This guy fucking drops the thing. He was like, what? And he couldn't believe that she could actually, he was like, he starts telling, he goes, I have never met a white person that speaks Mandarin. And she just, he couldn't even cook. He was like,

Like frozen. Cause she was just going back and forth with him. And he was like, Oh my God, I've never, he called other people over to see it. Yeah. She's like a giraffe in the zoo. It's just, yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Also like if you are anything other than Asian, you go to the great wall, you are a celebrity. Really? Really? Yeah.

If we have a guy who is a white guy, look at him, they'll think he's Tom Scorer. He can make money taking photos with them. It's crazy. Everybody thinks all Asians look alike. But my mom, she'd be watching the Olympics. Why are they the same? They're all the same. All the white people are the same. All the black people look the same. So Asians think we all look the same? Yeah. See?

Oh, that's so cool. See, that's going to make you feel better, though. They'll think you are Margot Robbie. You can go there and make money just taking photos. Just a blonde? Yeah, you should go do that. You also have the bone structure, so you guys would be familiar. Well, I remember when I went to South Korea, I felt like a giant because I was like... I went to go bra shopping and I was like, dude, like...

half of my one of my tits can fit into these bras they're so they're just tinier they have like being a double zero being a skinny hoe is popular in Asia because when your husband beat you he can't run away you're too weak you're too weak it's very smart American man learn yeah yeah

Don't encourage women to have curves. Just starve them. But they did like blonde hair. I remember people look, oh, you're blonde. They wear eye contact to have blue hair, blue eyes, to look white. If you see the K-pop, you know, all of the pretty skinny, like pretty skinny, white looking blonde hair people are kissing in the front. Or the dark thick bitches mopping the floor in the back. Get back there.

But that is so true. The Asians, because I was friends with some Japanese girls in college and they were like, oh, I'm so fat. I'm so fat. But they weren't like they were like twigs and they would take hot baths to try to like steam out the fat. I'm like, you're not even I must be obese. You must think I'm a disgusting pig.

But they shame you too, right? They shame you. They'll tell you. Like they walk to you and pinch you. I was at Cosmos. They were like, you are so brave. You know, are you sure you don't want to, you know, you don't want us to make you skinnier during the Photoshop? I said, no, I'm okay with this. They were like, you are okay? You really learned to love yourself too much in America. Yeah.

We'll handle it in post. Don't worry. You won't look like this later. Yeah, don't worry. It's going to look different. That is fucking hilarious. They shame you into it, right? Like, does your mother tell you like when you have babies like right after like, oh, you better thin down. Yeah, she's like, you just had a baby and you gained 30 pounds. I'm like, I just had a baby. She's like, our dog Big Yellow has three puppies. She's back to normal in three days.

Fuck, dude. Holy shit. So you were in Kentucky. You have a white boyfriend. How long did that last for? It lasted, I think, long, for a year. Was he romantic?

He was young and he was a virgin. I was a virgin and he was... Sweet? I think he was just... He was kind of sweet but then he was cheating on me and I found out. He went to law school in Virginia and then... I'm a Chinese woman. I went... I log in his Facebook. I have his account. He doesn't know I have it. We have a family phone plan. I can log into his phone. I have... I copied another... I have everything. I know how many times he texts what he texts and I hacked into his Facebook and...

And everything they're saying is a girl from England. And he's like, no, we never did anything. I said, you are fucking. And I know it. I'm calling off the engagement. He's like, are you kidding me? Well, you were engaged. Yeah, we were engaged because, you know, you need a green card. So...

I just dumped him. Good for you. But what happens to your status at that point? I was a student and it was fine. I just, I was working in Japanese restaurants owned by Chinese people. Of course. There you go. The Chinese own Japanese restaurant because that's how we, you know, feel better. We are better than them. We can control the sushi chefs. Yeah. They spit in the sushi. So don't go to a Chinese restaurant. The Japanese restaurant owned by Chinese men because the sushi chef. Who's your biggest like beef with in the Asian world? Which country?

I think I don't like the Indians. The Indians? Because they don't show their anger. They are more vicious than Chinese. Really? Yeah. The Chinese don't show it. They don't show anything. Chinese will be like, oh, I don't like how you treat me like this. I don't like the Asian hate. I don't like this. The Indians, you can say whatever you want to me. As long as I'm getting the money, I'm winning or lose. They actually have...

I don't know. Like super stoic about it. Yeah, they actually are like just more smart about it. They just don't get affected. The Chinese people would reject the job because they got insulted. The Indians don't give a fuck. They'll take the job, make the money and tell you, fuck you later. Wow.

I think that's what is going on with the Indians. Let me ask you this. Most importantly, back when you were growing up in China, did you have Chinese boyfriends? Are you allowed to date or is it more serious? I wasn't allowed to date. Also, nobody wanted to date me because I wasn't pretty. So they just look at me. I had a boy. I read poetry. I don't believe you.

I don't believe you're a man. You're very pretty. I think after I got confident and I started to become a girl. But before I found out I was ugly, I just gave up. I cut my hair real short. I was wearing sports clothing. You're like, I'm never going to have a man. I was popular, though, for setting exam answers. You sold your exam answers? Yes. I have a business. Basically, I have a phone and I sell to subscribers online.

To buy my answers. You are so... This is what I love about you. I was popular. Everybody want my number. All the guys want my number. And I have a service of homework. Also, I hired four or five people to do homework for lazy bitches. And I also sell answers. Listen. This is cool. She's going to rule show business. Yeah, this is cool. I like this. You're fucking such a go-getter, dude. I want to be popular. Thank you. I want to be popular. But I wasn't...

I can be popular other ways. I wasn't pretty. Fuck that. I just become popular because I was a bad bitch. Yeah, but you found your way. But like, but that's admirable. People like me. Everybody want my number. People want to hang out with me because that's how they know that you're smart and you're a hustler. Yes. I hustle. I love that. That's going to serve you really well for sure. In comedy, right? Yes, absolutely. I sell scorpions too. One of the biggest, one of the biggest scorpions. What?

I took the kids to the mountains to catch scorpions under the rock and I sell it to the Chinese medicine store. They put scorpions in alcohol. It's good for your dick to get hard. Yeah. Do you have any with you? I can go to my hotel room and get some. It's good. Scorpion alcohol get your dick hard and it's so expensive. So I have all the fat guys to flip the

Rocks for me. We used chopsticks to catch them and put them in the drawer. And then we sell them. I would get 90% of the money. I give them $10. They buy firecrackers and candies. Dude, that's...

I would love to gift the staff some scorpion juice. Yeah, can you hook us up? Yeah. You know what I love about you two is that my immigrant mother, she's dead now, but they're so brutal to us. And I love that you have this mom that just abuses you. She won't stop. But she made you kind of successful, right? Yeah.

She didn't make you. I think so. Well, it's how you reacted to your mother. Some people would have a mother like that and they just go, I'll just, I'll just, you know, I'll be what you say I am. And then some people go, I got to do something about it. Yeah. I just feel like the way my mom treated me helped me to prepare the way the world treated me.

and I would react to the way that I think of how my mom, I'll be like, okay, you think I'm a loser. That's cute. I'll show you who's daddy. There you go. That's what I'm talking about. This is why this will serve you in common. The big problem for a lot of comedians is they do, they're funny. They lack all hustle. So what happens is time goes by and you're like, yeah, that guy or that girl, they're really funny. And like, what, how come nothing's going on for them? And it's like, because they have zero drive to like,

You have to have the creative stuff, which is the comedy, but they have no creative...

to achieve. They're like, well, I'm funny. That should just be enough. Here's the thing. It's not enough. It's not enough. Or they don't learn the business. You have to have the hustle factor on top of the comedy if you want to progress. After one month, I did a stand-up. I was doing open mics. I realized there's not enough time. I want 10,000 hours. So I bought my comedy club on Melrose. She bought her own comedy club, Tom. Amazing. I drove by. I see a clothing store that's for lease. I went inside. They have ugly clothes. Yeah.

So I said, "Lady, just give me this. I'm gonna make it into something else." So I run into a comedy club. It's like an open mic place. And then on weekends we have four shows a weekend. I got it a month after I started comedy in December and I bought it on January. It opened in two weeks.

I hired an Asian guy to do construction. Yeah, that's why. It was Taiwanese guy though. He's slow. If a Chinese guy, mainland, one week, Taiwanese people, the moment they got some freedom, they got lazy. He's like, taking lunch breaks. I'm like, honey, you don't take lunch breaks. You are Asian. Typical Taiwanese bullshit. I'm like, no, you don't have lunch. Do you serve drinks and food there? We are getting a beer wine license. I'm applying. I'm going to take over the next store to knock it down and just make it bigger.

Because you need to sell alcohol to make the real money. You do. That's what I'm saying. That's when everything will change. I'm keeping the club. I need to make more money to keep it. So I'm buying that. That'll change your profit margin for sure. Not only is she a club owner and she's doing movies, she's in Cosmo magazine, she's a mother of two small children. I'm a single mom. The husband left. I can't believe that, dude. He got to know me. He's like, no.

After Kentucky Guy, you are single again. Yeah. Do you date another American? Yeah. I married my college sweetheart. Oh, you did? Okay. He's two years younger than me. He's Russian-American. Very...

But he came here when he was five years old. So he's pretty American. He's like my first true love. But I was a stupid bitch. I don't want to have babies. I want to be famous and successful before I have kids with you. So it's not going to happen. Then I just feel like I want my career so much. I didn't know I could have both. I did not know that with a white man, you could have both. So that's the only white man I just, we drift apart. I decided to move to Hollywood. He came to UC Irvine for science. He's a

biochemist. So we were living together. I'm like, no, I need to move in Hollywood to become an actress. So we had a distance. And then I was not smart enough to know that's the man who truly loved me because he always encouraged me and he always believed in me. He never really pressured me, but I just feel like, why are you so nice to me? Something's wrong with you. You're not used to that love. Yeah. So now I'm like, oh my God. Do you ever have contact with him or no?

I think he's traumatized by me, but he's in Denver. I may go there. He has a girlfriend or fiance, but I don't think they're getting married anytime soon. Yeah. Also, she could die. I hope so. Yeah. She's a biochemist. You never know. You just never know what could go wrong. Yeah. She could get pushed off a mountain. Yeah. See if she likes hikes. Can you do that, you know, Mark? Nice. There's no cameras up there. I'll tell you that. That's nice.

So then you met the other guy after. Oh my God. And that's your baby dad. I was awful. I went to China to host the Shanghai Film Festival. I was single. I was doing business. I was with a hedge fund. So I was making good money. I learned business in school. I wanted to not be a starving artist. I want to have enough money to pay for the best acting training, to go to the gym, to think, to actually be a human. Because I hustled so hard in college. I worked nine jobs, the craigslist jobs, taking care of old ladies, young ladies.

in bed who has autoimmune disease. I changed her diaper. It was brutal. And I drive around a blind lady. She realized I was Asian. Like, oh, I don't want an Asian woman driving me. I'm like, bitch, you are blind. You know? So you can't afford a real person. So that's all you got.

So I just know I did all that. I had to clean the bathroom because I work in the restaurants. I have to do all the shitty jobs. So I decided to not be poor. Yeah, so smart. So it was good. I learned acting. I was auditioning. And I mean, John Singleton got me in comedy, actually.

he did he did he literally he just uh he's i auditioned for him for um rebel it's a tv show about uh this girl a black girl she's a cop and her sidekick psychic is an asian girl who knows kung fu is in like a like oakland the movie the tv show it's it's like it's rush hour with a low budget yeah black woman chinese woman you know i thought i did good i got a call back and the second call back and then he saw me he just uh

He said, "Do some improv." I start saying things, he start laughing. I think it was dropping jokes, I just do that. And then he's like, "You should do standup comedy." He walk over me, he was playing Ali Wang's little clip. He's like, "You should do standup comedy, you're gonna be a star." I just heard that, I was so shocked. I knew who he was, I watched "Boys in the Hood." I said, "Oh my God, thank you so much. Do I have the job now?" He said, "Hell no bitch, I don't understand a word you said, get out." But he got my number. He actually said, "Hey, go to an open mic."

So he actually followed up with me. We had a general friendship. He was very honest. Like you are not going to get the roles you want in movies, TV shows. Most people don't take a risk on somebody with a heavy accent who's not already a star. But you are funny. If you actually going to invest time in your talent to develop it, I can see you becoming good in standup and you can do any movie you want when you have a name. And he actually followed up. We became real friends. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. It was, it was, he literally just like, I didn't know anything about stand-up because we don't have it in China. Oh, of course. Yeah. You're allowed to do that. You know what you have in China right now? This. Automated for men who are too embarrassed to masturbate in hospitals. I love how serious his face is. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, man,

That is fucking such a cool thing that the state. That's nice. But you're not embarrassed to stand in a hallway with ten dick- dick machines? You just stare at the wall. It's okay. Yeah, it's like going to pee, I think. Yeah. Sit there. Oh, that's for the guy with the tinier dog. That's nice. That's super nice. Oh my god, temperature, wetness, amount of light. They can speed it up. Who cleans that thing up? Oh, nice. And then you can just leave your deposit there.

That's nice. That's so cool. That's China. That's amazing. I'm very proud. Yeah. Your people invented that. That's amazing. The other thing though, the opposite of what I was going to tell you was like my algorithm on Instagram is wild, right? Because of the posts that I engage with. One thing that happens a lot is you see people

like car accidents and like people falling down in China. - This is Tom's favorite. - Yeah, yeah. - But the thing you notice a lot, 'cause I've seen so many of these clips in China, fucking guys like walking down the street, a car fucking clips him and he falls down and just like laying there. You're like, is this guy dead? And other people look and they keep walking. And I'm like, holy shit. That seems very culturally specific where they're just like, I don't know if he's dead.

Walk right by. In China, there's a saying called Fubuchi. It's like you cannot afford to lift somebody up because they would ask you to pay for all their medical expenses and funeral expenses because in China, we don't have traffic rules. It's about human rights.

connection, you sense, red light is a suggestion. The traffic light is a suggestion. Like, okay, that's cute, but I'm still going to go through it. And the thing is that if you are jaywalking, a truck hit you, it's always the bigger vehicle's fault. There's no fault. The bigger vehicle is at fault. No matter what. When somebody falls down, the person who's right next to that person is the criminal. At fault.

Because why are you still there? Because you did it. So that's the idea behind not... Yeah, you can't engage because you are going to get fucked. Right, because then it's your fault, kind of. Yeah, because...

Because if they run the red light, it's not there for the car run away. And also sometimes if the victim is family, they would block the traffic and ask tips from all the traffic going through there because their son died there. They'll be like, my son died there. And one of those big trucks did it. And you guys can't go through this road unless you pay me tips. So instead of insurance, they collect like 10,000 yuan to pay for the funeral. If you don't tip them, you can't go through.

They just block the road. - Wow. God, you guys are hard fucking core. - Can I have been practicing this Mandarin phrase? Can I try it? - Oh my God, yes. - It's not gonna be good. Like, be easy on me.

it's from my act right now so we have to cut it from this you better yeah yeah I'm just very excited to let the audience know that you will be hearing some new perfect Mandarin at any of my live shows coming up yes I can say pigu that's amazing ass also Tom that your Mandarin that phrase will become every Chinese mom's ringtone oh that's it will be so popular it will be the biggest ringtone in Asia that's awesome I can't wait I can't wait I'm very excited oh

Okay. We have some special clips. Okay. These are, let's see. This is something that we have only seen in the Asian world.

Yeah, what's up with the dick kicks? Why are they kicking dicks so much? What does that mean? It's like a type of Tai Chi, like you don't feel the pain from the outside world. That's a brick. Yeah. He's smashing his balls with a brick. Yes.

Yes. Look at this one. So this is like you're overcoming the suffering and you don't even feel your balls getting kicked. That's how you've mastered pain in your mind. Is this so rousing to most Asian women? Yeah, do you guys like this?

No, we just think they can't get bitches, so they do that to get attention. Yeah. Look at all those people with steel balls are ugly. Look. Have you seen Brad Pitt doing that? No. So true. Yeah, if they were using their nuts, they wouldn't want them kicked. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Do you have premarital sex in China? It's more and more common now. It depends on how much apartment you have, how many Rolex you have, so you are not wasting your pussy on nothing because you can't. That's a predeposit of the investment you are going to have. Do Chinese mothers teach their daughters this? Because we were talking about this before you got here, how the woman has to delay the sexual gratification to get a man even remotely really interested in you and to commit.

Do they teach you that stuff? I think in Japan, they are more sexually educated in a way that sexual education is very important in Japan. But in China, when I was growing up, I was a virgin until I was 20 years old. I was in America because I was doing homework with a boy after school. My mom heard that she came to

the classroom and she beat me up in front of him. She punched me so I can't believe I raised a whore. And then I never had a boyfriend. And you are not allowed to have a boyfriend until you get in university.

Then, like, you know, I can't talk to boys before I was 20. I'm a whore. But after I'm 20, like, do you have a boyfriend? No. Like, why do you look like this? Wear something like a whore. Just be like a whore, you know? You have to just go from not a whore and transition into a whore. To get a husband. To get a husband. Because, like...

you know, be a whore. So you were dressing too like conservatively. Yeah. Then she's like, why would you wear this? You look like a monk. You know, I'm like, you, I don't know how to look like a woman because I can't. You're also like, I don't know how to please you, mom. I was dressing like this and now I got to dress like this. Yeah. So in Asia, they just want you to be a virgin. Then one day they want you to trap a husband. Yeah. You just switch like this. Is your mom proud of your

success now? She can't say it. She's just like, you know, you are not all bad. And then we were walking by Vegas and see my face on the chemo club marquee. She goes, you know what? You actually do look better in photos. Don't get cocky after I say that. I'll take it back. I don't want you to get too cocky. Yeah, don't get too much self-esteem now.

- Fuck dude. - Hilarious. - So you never went to like, you didn't like French a guy and then go to first base, second base, third base, like it's all or nothing? - Yes, you just need to, when the moment, like because in China, we have the rule as Leonardo, like after you're 25, you expire. - Done skis. - Yeah, you are like, yeah, it's an old can of fish. - Get going, basically. - Yeah, you need to trap the right guy when you are 25.

And there's a breakup fee in China. Breakup fee. Did you hear this? Guys have to pay a breakup fee to break up with a girl who's on her prime. Yeah. Really? I think you should. Yeah, it's a calculation. How tall you are, how skinny you are. So if you're dating. If you're dating somebody. So I'm just dating you. After three years, two or three years, you don't marry her? Yeah.

No, you have to pay a break up because she with her pussy on you. She with three years of her investment on you, you should pay a break up fee. How much do I pay? Depends on how pretty she is, how tall she is, how much she weighs. So if she's gorgeous... Did she go to Harvard or Tsinghua University? Her education, if she's gorgeous, so you pay more. If she's like a... How much are we talking though? Oh, if you have your net worth, like the Chinese rich guys, they had to pay a very handsome fee. I would say like a...

like a 1 million yuan for three years, like a $200,000. And it's agreed, like is it legal or is it just like a social agreement? It just shows that man is like a great man. Like people don't see your credit in China. If you are a rich guy, you dump the girl without marrying her. They would question your character. But if you pay a nice fee, they're like, oh, I'm going to invest in his company because he's a nice man who don't,

you know, pump and dump. Pump and dump. Yeah. Well, that's true. I was just talking about this with him yesterday that it's all, it's, it is unethical for like a 60 year old guy to be dating a 23 year old girl. Um, you know, unless there's an explicit agreement of the girl going, yeah, I never want kids. I don't want a life. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Cause you're so young and naive. And this guy's just pumping clips, dumping his clips into this young girl. And she wakes up and one day she's 30.

And now her prospects have completely changed, right? Because the first string draft of guys who want to get married, they're doing that in their 20s and early 30s. And now...

Now you're a woman, tick tock. You know, you don't have eggs forever. Yeah. That's smart. God, Chinese are so pragmatic. They just, they really just get the breakup fee. So you can use the money to, you know. Go get your face fucking done. Get your vagina and lift up your tits and put your face up. Because they got that prime puss and they took it away from everybody. Took it away. Yeah. God damn, I'm going to go to China. Well, here's a guy who might not pay any fees. I don't know. You tell me. You go to Facebook, hit your fucking face. No. Facebook. No.

You see, you look at our black and white. You're a fucking gay. I'm a gay also. Excuse me? Hold on. I'm talking to him. I'm not talking to you. This is very rude. This is my friend. This is my friend. You're being very rude to her. No, no, no. She's not your friend. I'm your friend. No, you're not. I want you to fuck me tonight. I don't know who you are and I'm not interested. I want you to fuck me tonight.

Oh my god. That is amazing. I'm not. Yes, you are. You're gay. I'm not supposed to be gay. I want you to fuck me tonight. Please don't touch me again. We can touch you. Excuse me? Get out of here now. Other people are coming around to see. Oh my god. His confidence is amazing. Very confident. I like it.

That woman's pretty strong. Yeah, sure. I'm calm.

I'm calm. What do the gays do in China? Are you allowed to be gay? You don't talk about it. People now talk about it, but not really talking about it. It's just like a really mysterious group of people. The bad thing about it is a lot of Chinese men

men who are gay, they do not want to bring shame to their family. Because if you are gay, they are not gonna choose you to take over the family business. - Right, so you really gotta bury that. - You are not gay. And people are not very educated about gayness. Like a lot of women don't know there's gay people. So they married to a gay man. - Oh no. - And they had no idea their husband's gay. And they brag about, "Oh, he never provis any woman. "My husband never cheat on me."

They brag about it. And then they had no idea. And the gay guys would, you know, just like gaslight them. So that's crazy. Might be ideal to be married to a gay man, though.

Yeah. You just like, you don't have to have sex. Yeah. You don't have, yeah. You need to get a children that you don't have to have sex. But then you could take him to that machine in China and get his jizz that way. And then you just marry your best friend. Yeah. Put like some naked guys on the screen in front of him. Yeah. Drops his load. I might do that in my next life. You should do that. Okay. Well, are you ready to see this show for what it is, is most famous for clips, right? Playing clips. Mm-hmm.

The all-time greatest clip of this show. Tom's so hard right now. I'm so excited to show you this. I'm so excited to show this. Best clip ever. Look at this guy. He's like, is my car alright? Look at this shit. This is my favorite. He looks at the car. He's like, ah, is the car good?

Fuck. Car's... He's like... I got a dent in the car now. Doesn't even... But now, because of what Joe Ying told us... Wait, wait, but look. He's still like, right there where his head was. Got another dent here, another dent here. Shit, I gotta take care of this later. This asshole has the nerve to get here. Anyway, fuck.

He's still screaming. He's still like, I know. He's like, ah. In the world, it's like a Mercedes China. Is that a Mercedes shop or is it a counterfeit Mercedes shop? Oh, well, it's... This is like a... Do you know where this is? Can you tell? Because we know where it happened. It's definitely in China. Is that in North, in Beijing? It's Taiwan. Taiwan. Oh. That makes sense. Those lazy islanders, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They did it. He look like a... This person look like a Spider-Man. Ah.

Could you hear what he was saying? It sounds like to our stupid ears that he's saying bakula. Bakula. Ah, bakula. It's like ask them to stop.

Like a stop. Cause somebody told someone, it was a dialogue of Taiwanese. Yeah. That they said when, when it was reported, as I said that it, whatever he's saying meant stuck. Oh yeah. I'm stuck. Yeah. I'm stuck. And that's the same as the Japanese woman say in their porns. Yeah. Yeah. That's the same thing. Yeah.

Yeah, but this guy is my favorite. You get the scream, you get the guy being out of his luck, and then you get this guy just checking out the car. Yeah, he's like, there's a dent. He's like, fuck. Fucking just go. Just go, dude. Right, because if he assumes responsibility, if he's like, are you okay? Then he's going to get taken for the tips, the tip money. Fuck that, dude. That's his fault. He's not assuming anything. The car is not my car. You stood in front of the car, man. Why would you try to put a dent on my car?

Dude, it's so, like, you realize we've been analyzing this clip for years. For a decade. And it took a Chinese person to really put it all together for us now. Like, this makes sense. He can't assume liability. No, no. Because that person is going to have migraine for years and he has to be paying for medication. Right, this guy is going to look at this clip later and be like, see, I didn't even come up to you. I checked out what you did to my car. Yeah, look at his face. His face is like a...

You are invading my car. Yeah. You trying to attack China now? What do you want? Yeah. You fucking stood here. Idiot. And all I did was pull in and then you were in the way. And then your body hurt my car. Yeah.

- You left in front of it. - Your shattered legs left a dent in my car. - Yeah. - Yeah, if anything, I'm the one with the injuries. You need to pay me for my car. - And my emotional damage. And my wife abusing me when I got home. - Yeah, she's gonna be super pissed that you stood there. - I lost four blow jobs because of this dent.

All right. Do you want to show her what you're best known for? Oh, my TikToks. Now, Joey Yang's also, she's very popular on TikTok, which is how you really. Yeah, but she probably doesn't see the same TikToks that you see. So I curate the darker side of TikTok. Yeah, yeah. So anything. I worked with a former crime scene cleaner and he told me about one where he spent over an hour picking birdshot.

skull and brain matter out of a ceiling after a suicide. At that point, I'd honestly rather replace the ceiling. The thing with shotgun suicides is that you got to hunt and track down every single pellet that passed through because now it has biological matter on it. You don't want that. It's super tedious, but it's kind of what needs to happen. So jobs like that, ceiling replacement is usually the way to go. I thought you'd find that interesting. So this guy specializes in crime scene cleanup and he's so sweet. He even cleans out hoarders

homes for free because they're so expensive. It's like $3,000 just to have one room cleaned. So he does it for free. Anyway, Tom, if you blow your brains out or you blow someone's brains out, the brain matter gets stuck in the holes in the ceiling. So he says you may as well just replace the whole ceiling. As opposed to pulling up every bird shop. You can't do it. Isn't that amazing, dude? Do you think he'd make a lot of money from bribery?

Oh, that's interesting. If I kill somebody died, I also have somebody else die there, but I pay him so much money that he clean everything out that he got the money and I got to murder somebody. Dude, that's the business mind that I'm talking about. I'm just thinking that guy is rich. I can feel it. Yeah, this is why you're going to just keep growing, dude. You're so smart. Actually, so I did read about crime scene cleanup when I was in college.

when I graduated from college, it's a very lucrative business because it's highly specialized. He has to have biohazard suits and special equipment. So yes, when someone gets murdered in your home or someone dies, you have to call a special cleanup person and it costs a fortune. So try not to blow any, try not to blow your brains out in your home. Do it somewhere public. Maybe, I don't know who cleans it up then.

Well, then it's just a matter of like the city or somebody coming up to clean it up. But when you're in a home, it's true. You can't do it. You pay for it. Yeah, but if you hate your husband, you want him to pay for that. If you hate your wife. If I'm kidding myself, I want my husband to. That's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah. Then you take it out in like the living room. So now he's really got to clean that shit up. I hope nothing happens to you. Let's see. This guy.

This guy's doing pull-ups on a street lab. I think this is Brazil? I forget where it is. That doesn't sound Portuguese, does it? What is it? It looks tropical. Really? Oh, no. No, what is that? Is that your tribe? It's not my tribe. It looks like a haunted Japanese movie. A little Japanese schoolgirl is doing that.

That's how I feel. Whoever this is, it's strong as fuck, for sure. That is... What is this in Japanese porn, like you just said it before, where there has to be like, oh no, I don't like it, I don't like it. What is this? Because men love that when women are afraid of sex. They like fantasy. You know, they want to see a little girl just go there. You always see the super ugly, super ugly guy in porn and the girls are so pretty. So they just like, that guy is like...

And the girl's like, and that must be so prevalent as a male fantasy in Japan. It's so prevalent because that's the dominant. Yeah. And in China, same. Look at that. Isn't that crazy? What's this? I don't know. It's just something that was in the file. That's like, that's look like, look like a Chinese machine. The Chinese sex machine.

Well, this is definitely from Japan because they always blur out the genitals. Yes, yes. Because that's the key to the Toyota. Oh, and she's also suffering, like you said. She's like, oh. Yeah, you have to suffer. Yeah. And the men don't come unless they hear the woman suffer. Yeah. Oh, it hurts so much. Oh, my God. It's like I'm talking to my mom. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Is it because she's like, oh, your dick's so big. You're so manly. You're hurting me. And I'm so petite. I'm so small. You are hurting me. Yeah. Yeah, I would pop too. Is that right? I can do this for you. What do I say again? Yamate. Yamate. It's painful. It's so painful. Thank you. It hurts. It hurts. It's painful. Yamate. Stop it. Yamate. Yamate. Yamate. Yamate.

I'm a dirty faggot. I'm a shit pig. I'm a toilet. I only deserve rape, humiliation, dehumanization.

degradation that's a different lane i didn't put that in there no i know his nose hair is out he's vile and the fake veneers you know what's interesting though the english love bdsm so it's the opposite the man likes to be degraded and spanked their culture is punishing uh-huh spank me you know all that and that's isn't the japanese like it that they feel like

Chinese guys too? They like that? Yeah, I think Asian men enjoy just like women's suffering. They love to see women suffering. I guess I'm a little Asian too. It turns them on. Some people like to suffer to get abused by women. Some people like, but not the majority. I gotta log into my 23andMe again and see if I have some Asian blood.

So I love these patch tattoos. This is wild. They're crazy with how textured they are and the drop shadow on everything. This is done by a Spanish tattoo artist. But Crislo, based out of Zaragoza, Spain, is one of the best to do it. Look at that.

So it's a new type of tattoo that looks like patchwork. It doesn't look like patchwork. It is patchwork, right? No, it looks like it. So he was just sewing it to show you how realistic. Really? It's not really patchwork. Isn't that wild? That's insane, yeah. The artist was just doing that as a goof to show you. Oh, really? That's incredible. The arrow of his boss showing him to get out from

the office yeah bye dude that's wild yeah isn't that cool never seen anything like that that's cool very cool do you have tattoos I have tattoos I have this one is a Chinese woman emperor from Tang Dynasty that's her name she's the only woman who ruled China she was not a queen she run China it was Tang Dynasty she ruled China I see I see what's going on and she had 20 male horse

Would you write this down for me? I'm going to have the same one done. So she was, you had to, as an emperor, you had to choose a character to describe your dynasty. So she was going through the dictionary in Chinese, like there's nothing that's powerful enough for me. I'm going to invent my own word. So she goes, the sun and the moon and the sky and my power is above all of it. So.

So that means Zhao, like internal shine. And then she made it legal for women to read and go to school. It wasn't legal for women to read. She made it legal. I thought you said she made it illegal. So she's the smartest bitch in the land. And her prime minister was a woman. Wow. China was his best. It's Tang Dynasty. Tang. Tang Dynasty, yeah. And she was one of the brightest. What years were the Tang Dynasty? I would say like a...

2000 years ago. 2000 years ago. Wow. Yeah. She was, yeah, she's very famous. She's Emperor Wu. She's an emperor. Yeah. Not like a queen. And this is your inspiration. Yeah. Because, you know, she was 14 and her father died as a general and she was very smart. She was educated because her father was a general. So she went to the palace and started tutoring the prince. And then she wanted to become a

the king. So she starts seducing the old king and he made her his cuckoo vine. But when he died, if you are not the queen and the top five or six women, you have to bury with him because the king has to erase all the women he fucked. So the woman is not going to have sex with other people. But she's ahead of her time. She was fucking the little prince.

And then he saw that she was very brilliant, so he's like, "I'll spare her from dying, but she can go to become a nun." You know, because she should not have sex with anybody else. She should become a nun. So when the young prince, with his wife, go to pray in the temple, she saw him and she was able to fuck him in the temple.

And then he ended up taking her back to the palace. And all of the people, like, they are resigning. Like, you are not going to fuck, like, the old king's woman. Like, you are not going to marry her. And he made him to be able to kill all the people who was against him. And he married her. And she became the queen. And then he had some headache. He has this...

can't stop so she started to do basically to rule rule the world rule China for and she's brilliant at it she's so good so she people that write hate lectures poetry about her she read it and she likes the writing she will hire them

to work for her. She's like, I love how you write about me, how much you hate me, but your writing is great, so I'm going to hire you. So the king ended up dying. She became the emperor. Keep your enemies closer. Yes. She kept them close. I think it's good. I will survive my mom after all. Oh, yeah. That's how you get inspiration. I have a lot of tattoos. That's rad, dude. I mean, I have one in the back.

It's all Chinese characters. I wrote this. I'm a calligrapher, so I wrote this. And then the Mexican girl, she drew this on me. She did so good. I love Mexican people. They are amazing. They run my comedy club because I can't be at my comedy club. Whenever I'm there, people want to get their nails done. They don't believe that's a comedy club. I'm like, I'm not Vietnamese. They're like, the same thing. Oh, shit.

The biggest green flag for a girl by far is if she goes to Pilates. Every single Pilates girl I've ever met is wifey material. I don't know what it is about Pilates, but it's one of the most wholesome things a girl can do. If a girl does Pilates, she's probably not going out much on the weekends because she has to get up early to go to Pilates. And it's not like a regular weightlifting gym where guys will stare at girls and be creepy and hit on them. Girls can just go with their friends, have girl time, and get a good workout. Like I live in downtown Tampa and there's a place called Body Rock down the street from me.

And every single woman I see leaving that place is as happy as can be. They're smiling. They're talking to their friends. They're having a great time. There's no time to be toxic if you go to Pilates. I always say that we have to bring back stay-at-home Pilates wives, and this is exactly why. If you meet a woman and she said she does Pilates regularly, green flag, go for it. No hesitation. What do you think, Tom? I mean, I've never heard anything like this before. But, I mean, I'm not saying that it's a bad one. I mean...

I think I just threw up in my throat. Jesus Christ. I think they just go there and eat their pussies so they are happy afterwards. They are just lesbians. There are some lesbo vibes there for sure. And pilates? Oh, yeah. Open your legs in tight. Yeah. Plus it's like they always want to look hot for the other chicks, you know? Yeah. Like I do core power yoga in a group. Oh, that is the best. But they're all like all the girls come dressed hot, but there's only other bitches in there. And there's always one straggler guy.

But I'm like, who are you dressing hot for, bitch? Other chicks. Maybe they're gays. Yeah, I think so. And that's why they're happy. They're finally with all their kind. Being gay and working out. And scissoring each other. Yeah, scissoring. Smelling each other's stinky boxes. Yes. Yeah, they're happy. And also, he's from Tampa. We can't trust him. His dog. Oh, Tampa's garbage. She goes, there's something in there. It's not a moth.

Wonderful. She adds that it's curled up back there. So now I'm waiting for the nurses to come back and flush my ear out. I am so embarrassed, first of all, because that's so gross and I'm a clean person. But I'm also like, it's an uneasy feeling. There's a bug in my ear. It was a spider. It was alive. I'm never sleeping again. I think the spiders are up first. Yeah.

Oh, my God. She's traumatized. Could you imagine? Is this a common occurrence? I don't like this. Well, you do consume insects throughout your life. I'm sure. But usually when you're asleep, they crawl in your mouth, you know. They do. And they crawl up your nose. And that happens. But...

Having one retrieved alive from your fucking ear. Dude, put me under. Can't they just put you out? Yeah. I'd be like, just put me out, dude. Full anesthesia. Just fucking give me a catheter. I'll see you in a week. Yeah. I don't want this. A spider got in her ear. Gross. Probably because the ear is big. Yeah. Big stupid ears. Yeah. She should have had her mom tell her that. Exactly. She didn't have these big gumbo fucking ears, you elephant. Dummy.

As a crime scene cleaner, some of the most challenging cleanups I ever had to do were the ones involving hot tubs. Unless the body was found right away, these jobs would be absolutely brutal because they would often be left rotting in 100 degree water for several days. From this experience though, I learned how to clean hot tubs really well. All you pretty much got to do is drain the water and pick up a hot tub cleaner kind of like this one to clean off any mineral deposits that build up. Also, don't forget to clean the filter because that's super important. All you got to do is twist it off, take it out, and then spray with some chemical and just hose it down.

and after that you're just going to want to wipe down the rest of the surfaces with your cleaner and then just fill it up with water and you should be good to go unless somebody dies in it because then you're just going to want to throw that thing away because it's just kind of gross just throw it away right if someone dies in your hot tub that's really complicated only a gay man can clean that

There's things in places you don't know they exist. There's so much cum in those hot tubs. So much cum. There are. Lots of jizz. That's what hot tubs are for, right? Just gay guys to cum in? Yeah. That's what they sell them. It's a gay broth? If you go to like a hot tub store, it's like come swim in the jizz with us. Yeah. How many dudes can fit in here? Yeah. That's what they say. Can you fuck six guys in here? Yeah. This is a three hot tub. This is six gay guys. Jesus. All right. We got to wrap up. Yeah. Josh,

Zhao Ying Summers, thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Total world domination. You're absolutely fantastic. You're hilarious. You're a fucking absolute animal. I think you're going to dominate and rule the world and we'll all be living in the Zhao Ying dynasty. Check out the Tiger Milf podcast. And of course, you can see her at New York Comedy Club on January 21st.

Thank you for coming. Congratulations on everything. Thank you so much, Christina. Thank you, Tom. I appreciate you guys. Thank you. In girl world, you can't call it a dick suck unless there's jizz in your mouth. Sometimes I want to cover your eyes and it doesn't have to always go in your mouth. Kind of sophisticated. It doesn't have to always go in your mouth. It doesn't have to always go in your mouth.

I've never come so much. So... Oh, fuck me! I feel so good. Good. Bayonetta's ass. Oh, my fucking God. God. God. It's so fucking yummy. Oh, my God.

I wouldn't mind tasting it. Sometimes when your dick gets hard, you make noise. It's 100% kosher. My cum is kosher. I'm thinking that I would fuck this person.

I don't want vagina, I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis. I want a penis.

You're supposed to push as hard as you can. Massage your little hole. Okay, you come. You come. Let me see. Let me see how much you come. Let me see all that. Let me see all that. Let me see all that. Let me see all that. Let me see all that. Give it to me, Mark. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I can feel it. Oh, that's going to be good. Oh, that's going to be good. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

you like this this is what gets you right now this is awesome

Look at his fucking tits. The sky is fucking heavy. Hey man, I'm ready to jerk off if you want to jump in the chat real quick. I can't stop thinking. Okay, you come, you come. Let me see, let me see how much you come. Let me see all that come.

I need it right now. I identify as a threat, a nightmare, and a goddess, so please bow down to me. This is 2020. Who you talking to right now? Why you talking to the phone like that?