The Biggest Piece In Comedy w/Greg Fitzsimmons | Your Mom's House Ep. 776
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Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Max Bankman, I'm the new doctor. Welcome aboard the Odyssey. ABC Thursdays. This ship is heaven. We're tending to our past their streams. I'm in. From 911 executive producer Ryan Murphy comes a splashy new drama on a luxury cruise ship with Joshua Jackson and Don Johnson. It's your job to keep everyone alive. She's in V-fit. One, two, three. Clear. Clear.

I have a pulse. You're going to be okay. Dr. Odyssey, Thursdays, 9, 8 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. And we are back as always. I am joined by my lovely co-host, Christina. She looks surprised that I'm here. That's the thing that we didn't even know you were. You just showed up and we're like, holy shit. Greg Fitzsimmons is here, everybody.

His new special, You Know Me, is out on his YouTube channel right now, so make sure you go and check that out. Congratulations on your special. Let me tell you something. It just came out last night, and it's kind of blowing up. Nice. Yeah, I had a lot of nice people promoted and...

Ari's podcast and just that alone. That's awesome, man. It's off and running. So I just thank you for having me on because this is the thing that does it these days. You put out your own special and then hope for you guys. No, it's fucking awesome. I've told you this before. I love, I cannot wait to watch it. I have not watched it yet, but I love watching you do stand-up. When I'm in a club, nothing gives me more anxiety than watching someone do stand-up.

except for like people who I know are good. Yeah. Like whenever I'm at the improv or the mothership and store and you're just like, someone goes on, I got, I got to leave the room. It's my own anxiety. It's my own insecurities. But then I feel calm when I know somebody who knows what they're doing is up there. Oh, I can watch this. I can relax. Yeah.

And enjoy it. And that's how I feel when you're on stage. Oh, thank you, man. That makes me feel good. You're such a good comic. I mean, I think about things that I've heard you say you've probably forgotten on stage because you're such a good comic. So I really can't wait to check it out.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And yeah, that is funny, that back of the room experience when you watch comics. Because on one hand, I want to know who's new, who's good, that's coming up. And so the other night I sat with Adam Egan in the back of the mothership and watched the open mic night. Yeah.

And I mean, I forgot how much I enjoy that because that is when you go so deep into the anxiety that it starts to be fun. Right. But that's because it's so bad though. Yeah. When it's like notably new, like they're really new, you can kind of enjoy that too. I think it's like...

there's this trend like transition phase of like they're not new and they're not like super experienced vets yeah and like you start to hear because what actually i think is actually happening if i'm being very honest about it is you go oh i've done this or do i do this oh i fucking this is terrible i think i'm doing this yeah just you go to that that place where it's like i go i want to leave the room well do you do this because i saw a lot of this the other night punch lines ending with and i never came so hard in my life oh yeah yeah yeah uh

That's a trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good trick. And then ending every line with dude or bitch. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Don't do that, bitch. And that just gets a little punch. It's like going, here's the spot where you laugh, everybody. Or one time I remember I was with a guy on the road and I watched him and I go, do you know that... And he was like...

way younger so I felt comfortable like you know giving them I go you're saying everything you say then you go what the fuck what the fuck I go you say what the fuck like 40 times in your 15 minute set I go those are like substitutes for something else to say you can't say what the fuck

all the whole set there was a guy who did he ended every line with if he was doing a joke about blow up dolls he would say blow up doll 12 to 15 times in the joke just keep saying it and then he would end he'd do the punchline and then he'd go blow up dolls y'all

Like a hashtag almost. Yeah. Like a live hashtag. And what it is is like those, when you're doing that, you're still in the I'm figuring out how to do it. Yeah. But you're not even aware because you're like, well, I got to laugh, so that must be good. And you're like, it's not good. You have to get past this. But I think it's actually, I mean, when I told that guy, I could tell he was like, oh, shit. But he thanked me.

He thanked me. He goes, the next day he was like, I was looking at what I wrote and he was like, thank you for telling me that. Dude, that's bold because I find that I do that with my opener sometimes and I feel resentment. You know, you really, it's hard to tell people about their act, you know, especially features. If it's an MC, then they're fresh enough where they're still open to it. But a lot of times features have been doing it for 15 years and they're like kind of going, I should be the headliner. Yeah. You know, this guy just is lucky enough to be. Yeah, yeah.

So, but your act, you have no hooks or tricks. You just get up there and communicate. It's very rare. Like you don't, you know, and your energy is normal. I mean, it's almost your hook is that you are so unadorned with bullshit.

Maybe. I don't know. I have no idea. That's the thing. I have no idea. You never know really how you're perceived. You know what I mean? So it's interesting to hear. I think guys like you and Nate Bregazzi, just come out and just do it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm really happy right now with...

this tour and this hour because I pulled back on the number of dates and it's made it fun again. Like, I think I got to the point on the last tour where it was, you know, 25 shows in a month. Yeah. And like, you know, I don't know, 17 cities. And you just go like, it's not fun. Yeah. You're not like...

I'm excited. And like right now, the pacing of it makes it that every weekend is fun. So what do you go out like Thursday to Saturday kind of thing? Yeah, and I do it like usually two to maybe three weekends. That's exactly my schedule. And so like every time I'm on the way to the venue, I'm excited to go. And you fly home and you got all day Sunday with the kids, which is the best. I worship Sundays. I always am on the first flight home on Sunday morning. Sundays, like a...

Joey Diaz says, you know what kind of fucking loser goes out on a Sunday? I'm like, no, I didn't know that. That's right. No, man, Jesus Christ told you to take the day off, and he's the guy. He was telling clubs, I don't work Sundays, 15 years ago. I'm like, how do you have the juice to do that? That wasn't an option for me. He's like, you just tell them. I go, yeah, I told them. They're like, yeah, you're doing Sunday. Yeah. They're not. Yeah, he had big dick energy before he was big. He'd always be like, yeah.

I fly JetBlue Mint. I'm like, you're headlining a 200-seat room. What are you spending all the money on? Your flight home? Yeah, I don't know, dude. He probably sold a brick and then he used that for the flight. I don't know. Yeah, right. It's like, how are you doing this? Yeah. But no, it is fun watching new comics too because you kind of don't want to get

left behind and I feel like I do want to see what styles people are doing now. That's true. And I kind of feel like there's certain clubs I go back to and I feel like if I feel out of touch, like Largo in LA. Like if I go there and I don't do well, I go, oh, I'm a dinosaur. I'm not current with... And then do you like look at your... Like do you address everything? Do you start thinking about... I just try to get back to more honest again. I just try to go back to what do I want to say...

that embarrasses me? Like what's the thing that I... That's what always works in the kind of like the comedy savvy rooms, right? Like you feel like a fraud in a Largo or what was the old comic book? Oh, Nerdist. That Nerdist show, I used to love to do that. And all you had to do was be vulnerable. If you made fun of yourself in some way at the top, your set would be like...

I mean, like you're riding a wave. It was bright. But if you come in with some contrived shit or if you're like if you're if you're lashing out, you know, you could only lash out at like a higher power. Yes. You can't just like lash out.

that audience will pull back. And that's the thing I've also found with like, you know, working down, not Austin because it's not this, it's so, you know, gentrified and there's so many people from other places. But when I go to like El Paso and I go, and I start thinking about, oh, I can't do my anti-gun joke or whatever. I go,

shut up pussy. Yeah. Where else are you going to do it? Are you going to wait until you're surrounded by people that all agree with you? Yeah. This is where you want the pushback. I want somebody to yell at me because of it and then fight it out and, and have a joke that's strong enough. Yes. That it's going to work no matter where it goes. And then you can really like, you find yourself leaning into it. So every time I do Canada, I was just in Canada. Um,

They always have a little, they pull back for notably more on any bit about race than anything. Oh, really? Yeah, they're just more sensitive to it. You know, it's a more, I don't know if you want to say PC culture, but they just, it's not like, it doesn't feel, that's the part where you're like, Canada is just like doing the States, right? And then you get to certain subjects where you're like, oh no, you could feel it.

But what I love about a crowd that does that is that it basically sets you up to test that bit. Because then you lean in really hard and you can like...

make fun of them for their reaction in the moment. And then if the bit is good, it works even better. It creates like this, you pull the pin kind of thing in it. Or it doesn't. Or it bombs. I saw, there's this guy named John Tobin who runs the Boston, Laugh Boston. And he said Bill Burr was in town doing the Wilbur Theater. And he goes, can I swing by? Because him and John are all friends. He goes, great, but I just got to let you know, it's like, it's a PTA show.

private show it's all women and he was at the height of his like you know housewives think they have the hardest job in the world it's the easiest job in the world and he leans into that and they are fucking booing and he's going hey i don't give a fuck yeah hey this is funny you don't get this it's fucking you're proving my point and he just like got off stage and he goes that was the best

I've had in a long time. Yeah, because you know what it is? When that does happen, when they go no and you're hitting your lines and they're booing is it makes you feel dangerous and that's a rush because you go like, I've done this, I believe in this and they're booing and I'm right. So you kind of feel like a badass. Yeah.

And you find those faces that are on your side and they're allies. And now you're playing just to them. And it kind of brings me back to the dinner table. Like, you know, I started being like a lot of us. We started being comedians at the dinner table. Sure. And it was always like my sister, I would, she would sit next to me and I would say shit that was outlandish. She would horrify everybody. And I'd see her like giggling or spitting her milk. And it was all about Megan Deardrelisle.

Yeah, that's awesome. It is. It happens at the table first. Was yours like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, sometimes I would just go for jokes at the table. And, you know, it's three women. And it was like my mom and my two sisters. And they would be upset. And my dad would just go, come on, Tommy. Just...

Just stop. I was like, it's good, right? He's like, it's not for that time. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. Yeah, I...

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I was just reading this article about comedy and The New Yorker, and they said that there's this institute in England, which right out of the gate, you've got to wonder, doing a study of comedy and what the greatest joke is of all time. And they got like 40,000 submissions and people voted. You want to know what the number one joke was? It's super bland, I'm guessing, or no? Guy goes to the doctor's office, and the doctor checks him out, and he goes, it's not good. And the guy goes, well, how bad it is? He goes...

You don't have a lot of time. And the guy's like, well, how much time do I have? And the doctor goes, 10. And the guy goes, 10 months, 10 weeks. And the doctor goes, 10, 9, 8. That's a good fucking joke. Yeah, that's a good joke. Yeah. That was in England? That was in England. I think that it would be a different joke here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's no cripples in that joke. Yeah, yeah. There's no... Because they always...

they'll go dark and they'll go ironic and they'll lean into... Clever. Clever. Yeah, yeah. No, you watch British comics like... Because they all go to that Edinburgh Festival and that's where they develop their act. And when you're there, you do a month in one theater and you work on one set and it's usually very thematic. Yes. It'll be something really weird, like a guy...

you know, has this comic book collection from when he was 11 and he does an entire hour about how that relates to Christianity. And you're like, I'm just telling dick jokes about how I fart in front of my wife, you know? Yes. Yeah. It's kind of intimidating because some of them are so smart. I know. You know, Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Really smart. Dude, that guy is so solid. Yeah, he is. And his joke writing is, it is incredible. Yeah. I mean...

Yeah, there's a, I don't know, like I also think about show, like with all the shows that Gervais has written, I'm like, man, these are, they're so good. Yeah. Like his writing is, I loved The British Office. That's how I. My kids, I can't get them to enjoy it. It's a superior show. I don't think it's a, it's without question. Every time I would, I would meet people here and they would be like, huh? Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, I tapped out of the US one like.

Because I was a huge, huge fan of the British one. And it's not that I don't think that, you know, Carell or any of these people are talented or fun. I do. But like as a show, that British one is, it just, it set the table in a way where I was like, oh, I can't,

The other one just doesn't work for me. Yeah, it feels like a serialized version of it. The other one almost felt like it was an event, and then The Office felt like, after a while, I mean, just too many seasons. The Brits get it right. They do three great seasons, and they're out. Extras? I mean, dude, when David Bowie is in the bar. I just watched that clip.

Somebody posted on Instagram this week, and I hadn't seen it since I saw the show live. And it induces tears. Tears. Tears. Silly little fat man. He's like, I'm an actor, and I got this show. It's a sitcom, and it's just not that fulfilling. And he just looks at it, and he's like, little fat man. And...

And Gervais is like, the little, he's like, and then he just turns to the piano. Little fat man. He's like, oh, no. And he comes up and he's like, and he's riffing. He's like, no. And then Gervais is like, yeah, no. He's like, chubby little loser. He just starts riffing on how to call him a sad fat sack of shit. Yeah, and the best is they keep Gervais in frame so that you can see him looking like,

Oh, dude. Like just nervous and uncomfortable. Like he, oh my God. And then the, you know, David Bowie's got his black hot girl sitting around him. Like they just nailed it. And he's trying to come, he's like fatty or fatso? And then Gervais' friend's like, I like fatso. And he's like, what the fuck?

The whole bar is singing by the end. It's fucking brilliant. Oh, my God. Yeah. And the girl in that is amazing. The one who plays his best friend. Fantastic. What a layered, interesting character. And she's trying to act, too. She has that amazing scene with the... Oh, my God. What's that? That good-looking British actor. Hugh Jackman? No. Not Hugh Jackman. The guy that was in...

What is, fuck. He was in one of the Bourne Identities and then he was in the, what's the Continental? Is that what it's called? The International? The International. No, no, no. He's not going to be a cast member. Type in The International. That film. What's that actor's name? It's him.

Clive Owen. She has a scene. Do you remember the Clive Owen scene? Yeah, right, right. The Clive Owen scene, he's like, the director is like talking to Clive and then he's like, and then this girl comes in and like you'd had sex with her the night. He goes, I wouldn't fuck that. And they're like, and the director's like, no. He's like, well, what about if I take some mud and I like throw it in her face?

And you can see she still has hope in her eyes throughout the whole thing. Yeah. This is what it's like to be an actor. Right. Yeah. Did you ever do extra work? Was I ever an extra in something? I don't think I worked as an extra. I mean, I've had like the one line parts, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, but that extra stuff feels... What was your one line? Oh, my God. It always got cut down, too. It was always like, you have seven lines. And then you have five, three, one. Shit. I even did a full scene a couple times where this is the most embarrassing. Where I had a scene on Workaholics.

With the three guys. And, you know, like they come up and I'm like the, I have like a, I'm like a drunk bus driver, like a parrot on my head and like, you know, like in costume. And it's all about like getting them on the bus and, you know, you shoot the scene for however long and whatever, you have fun. And then I told everybody and they cut the scene. Oh, no.

They're like, did I miss you? Did you like walk by? I was like, oh my God. Oh, that's brutal. That was brutal. Then another time I did a sitcom, I did Jay Moore's Gary Unmarried. Oh, yeah. And I did it a couple times. And then the same thing where I was like, I'm on this sitcom. And I had my lines. And then they cut it to just like entering. Oh my God. So then it looks like I told everybody, watch me enter the scene. Like I'm like promoting me walking in.

And I was like, yeah. And they're like, good job on that. I was like, thank you. Dude, you got to put that on your website. You're real. You're acting real. Just like, you know, workaholics and just nothing. Black screen. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was another one. I don't remember the name. It was a ABC single camera show.

Where that does air and people do catch it. They catch me doing it. What was that show called? Happy Endings. People catch that where I was like a paparazzi guy, I think. And I had, let's say, three lines and they cut it down to like, what? Like just me saying like, what? And people still will message me. I saw you on episode. I'm like, okay. Yeah, yeah. I did. There was a show called Santa Clarita Diet.

And I played a cop and I had a whole scene where I like bring them over to a garage and I open it up and there's a reveal and then I'm yelling at people and then it aired and it was just me opening the garage. That was the whole thing. Yeah. And you're like, everybody check me out tonight? Yeah. It hurts, dude. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, you still get paid.

You know, like I did one episode of CSI, like the CSI early on. I get checks once a week to this day from one episode. I mean, they're small, but they were big for a long time. Do you ever think about what those residual checks must be like? Just the residual stuff for like a Tom Hanks. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like where the guy has this huge career. These are movies that are...

20 years old, like what just comes in yearly on that. It's gotta be. And then you get the actors that are smart, like Keanu Reeves that go like, all right, just, just give me a few million, but give me a percentage of the gross. That's because residual checks start to dry up. You get a slightly smaller percentage every time it re-airs. But when you got a percentage, it just keeps coming in. His matrix money. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude. But he apparently gives it back. He'll give everybody on the crew like 10 grand. That's crazy. At the end of the movie. Did you ever hear the story about Matt Damon and Avatar? Do you know that story? No. So he had just finished shooting one of the Bourne movies, but it wasn't the first one, so he knew the experience of doing the Bourne movies. And it's important for the story because... So Cameron calls him. James Cameron calls him. I'm going to do this movie Avatar...

It doesn't need a star, but I want you to play the character. And he goes, well, we rapped on Bourne, but we always have pickups. Always. I've done it now a few times. And so I don't want to commit to Avatar because we have to do these things.

I know we're going to be shooting pickups for like the next month. And Cameron's like, all right, well, I'll give you, I forget, it was something like 10% of the net of Avatar. The highest grossing film internationally of all time. He goes, but as a director, producer, filmmaker, I really respect the

you know, your, your choice on this. Like I, I get it like that. I would want the same thing for, for my movie. He's like, yeah, I mean, that's a generous offer, but I'm, I'm going to have to pass like that. So, so Matt Damon passes because he goes, I know I'm going to have to do this for Warren. And then they calculated it that if he had done it, he would have made 300 million from, for the offer. Yeah. It's a crazy amount of money.

And then we do stand up and that's it. You show up, you do the show, you get your money. And you go. And you go. I know. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. No hoops.

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And yet I still know that you have that fear that it's all going to go away any minute. I don't think it ever leaves. Yeah. I don't think it ever leaves. Yeah. And so you take that work and you work those extra weeks and you just think, this can't last. This can't last. As opposed to me, when I play my 250 seat rooms and they're three quarter full, I go, I think I can always do this. Yeah.

Well, the thing is, the part of me that it isn't going to last. That's the thing. It's like it's not just a fear. You just know that when it gets to a certain point, you go, there's a window. This is a window. It's a window of time. Yeah. You don't know how long the window lasts. It's been a pretty long window. Eh, I guess. I mean, you've been working at this level for...

seven or eight years where you're playing big venues big venues yeah i guess so but um you still go i mean anything is logical to go like yeah i mean it's not like i think in terms to think like this 10 years from now will i be moving a lot of tickets i mean it seems like it's not the kind of thing that you go yeah i will don't worry about like no i don't think like that i think it's like

You have something. It's working for you now. Do it. I mean, look, my dream long term is going, I hope I can stay in theaters. Yeah. That's what I would hope to do, like to work into theaters into my 60s or whatever. Yeah, because in the end, I mean, it's about the craft. It's still about having that piece of paper in your back pocket with some new bits on it and getting off and getting that rush that you did something new.

Yeah, that's it. That's the fuel. Yeah, and so it doesn't matter if there's 10,000 people out there or, you know, again, 175. I'm doing the same thing you are. It's just I'm driving home in a Prius, and you've got a town car taking you to a jet. But sometimes they're small jets.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because there's light jets, what's called mids, super mids, and then heavy. Oh, dude, well, my apologies. I had this whole thing built up. And the fucking light jets, you got to get in. Yeah, right, right, right. And do you ever get to your limo and the driver talks to you more than makes you comfortable? Yes. Yeah, right. Or they start, you know.

You know, I got, they started telling you the story. I got a funny story and you're like, ah. Yeah, yeah. You know, I just ate some cyanide, so if you don't mind, I kind of want my last minute to be alone. The stories. Oh, yeah. We had a security guy, by the way, one of the security guys, who's like does security venue and like highly trained guy. Yeah. And then this driver was like,

380 pounds he goes you know I'd like to get into security he was like and I had to listen to the security guy go like yeah he's like you think I could do that he's like you probably gotta do some training first you're guys like an ex-navy yeah totally and he's in disguise he's like it maybe dropped like 250 pounds to start maybe do a sit-up yeah you sound like you're losing your breath sitting here driving yeah

Those are amusing, though. You get to listen to those. I had an Uber driver because that's how I get to my commercial plane where I fly coach. And my Uber driver going to JFK, he was from India, and he didn't have...

the map on his phone, he had a Bollywood movie playing as he drove me. Insane. And I'm thinking to myself, like, we're in a city. This is like high-end driving. Yeah. And I was going to give him like one star, but the movie was fucking good. Like, they put a lot into it. A lot of costumes and music. Isn't it crazy how far, like, we think...

our entertainment is, you know, the biggest and most important. Yeah. And then you look at numbers on Bollywood stuff. Right. And it dwarfs. Dwarfs us. The highest paid entertainers in the world are Indian. Yeah. Yeah. And then another one that you learn about that you're like, holy shit, is how much bigger, talking revenue-wise, gaming is than anything in Hollywood. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, my God. Day one of like a, you know, a...

GTA kind of level release. It'll be like day one pre-sale for this game will be like $850 million. Two weeks in, it's in the billions, like dwarfing anything. Blowing it out of the water. Yes. Well, you know, porn was like that too. Porn always made more money than Hollywood and sports. Dude, look at that. $184 billion and the movie industry got $26 billion.

So about 6%. Isn't that crazy, dude, when you look at that figure? Oh, and now look up porn revenues in the, say, in the 80s versus movies. And by the way, look, that last sentence, Grand Theft Auto V, Red Dead Redemption 2, Fallout 4, Call of Duty, all earned more than Avatar. All of them. Wow.

Yeah, the- Foreign revenue was huge in the 80s? It was huge. Bigger than Hollywood, bigger than sports, everything. Yeah, and then it just went away, like within a year. With videos? Yeah, with videos, it just suddenly went away.

Wait, so does that mean that in that era, the theaters were full? They had to have been full, right? No, I think it was videos. Oh, it was videos. What do you mean people went to the theater? I don't know. How did the revenue get... Oh, it was buying videos as opposed to now where it's all online. Where it's all streaming for free. It just tanked. Right. I mean, once...

I guess stepsisters and stepbrothers used to just hang out. But when they started banging each other... It's pretty crazy. Oh, Avatar was like, who wants to watch a blue guy? Is that your favorite genre?

I've gotten into it recently, but my main thing is Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn. Naturals. You got to put naturals in there. That's so detailed. Yeah. I love it. But then I come here and I try to get on my ex-hamster account and they tell me I can't get on. So they go, hold your face up to the camera.

They wanted to photograph me to make sure I looked old enough to do the porn, which, first of all, like, you know, I don't even know if it's going to recognize me because I'm squinting and I look sad. Yeah. And now they've got... And I don't know, when did they stop filming me? Yeah. I know. It's really weird. You know? Like, I was... It's really weird. And there's also...

10 plus states doing this. It's not just here. It's a bunch of states who are like, no, no, hold up your ID to jerk off. This is really weird. I know, it is weird. It's very weird. If I show my ID, I want to get on a plane, not be filmed jerking off in a hotel room. Such a sad moment. Oh my God. Do you like free use?

What's that? That's a lane of porn. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's pretty cool. I like it. Free use. Free use. What's your search? So you just type in free use. That's it. And there's just hundreds of them that come up. No, I mean, do you have a category? That's the category. Oh, I thought that was the website. No, no, no. That's the category. Okay. So that's where, like, you know, ladies at the, I don't know. Ladies at the...

dinner table. Yeah. And then this guy will come in and just stick his dick in her mouth. And she just keeps like having her conversation with somebody. And then he just like has her stand and bends her over. And she's just like, yeah, I do want to go to the park tomorrow. Um, and so he's just using people. Oh,

That's so incel. Because that's how dudes that live in their basements and don't shower. It's the fantasy of what it is. It's exploiting the fantasy of like, what if you could just walk into a room and have sex with somebody? It's like guys that wish they could be invisible and then they would just go in shower rooms. There's an extension of that. I guess that's what I'm into. Yeah.

Yeah. I went to, I used to be a gymnast. What? Really? Yeah, for like eight years, I was a pretty competitive gymnast. No shit. Yeah. And so. So you're a good athlete then. I'm okay. I mean, gymnasts are like, they're the not celebrated incredible athletes, I think. You really, I mean, you watch the Olympics and they really have the best bodies. Unbelievable. Yeah, they're ripped.

But when I was in gymnastics camp, I used to go to a training camp in the summer, and it was called Woodward Gymnastics Camp in Pennsylvania. And there was – I was probably 12, I think.

This is going to sound super as I start this story, but you could see in the girls' showers from the bushes above it. And we would, you know, upwards of 15 guys would be in the bushes watching all these gymnasts. They were like the 16 and 17 year olds. Is it illegal that I just said that? I don't know, but I mean, you were a young guy. I'm grandfathered in, right? Yeah, you're normal. That's a normal thing. Yeah. Yeah.

And also you had people doing it with you. It's going to be a big case, you know, class action. Yeah. Plus we're fucking gymnasts. We'll beat the shit out of you. Exactly. Yeah. What was the best peeping Tom story you've ever had? I mean, I know the most, like I'm trying to think of the most, like the biggest rush would be that I had my older sister's friends would come over. So it's not so much that like, I don't know that I was spying so much as like when you're

Of the same age, like 12, 13, and like 15-year-old girls come over and you're... I guess you're in like sixth grade, they're eighth grade or something. Oh my God. It's just...

I would just hang out all the time. Like, what are you guys doing now? They're laying on the couch watching a movie, that kind of thing. You would just kind of hope that they were wearing shorts. That whole thing was like, yeah. Barefoot, maybe. Yeah, sure. Jesus. Did you ever hook up with one of them? When I was in college, yes. Yeah. Not like in high school, but in college. How'd that go with your sister? I slept with...

best friends of both of my sisters. And they had different reactions. Really? Yeah. My older sister was like, that's awesome. What was she like? And I was like, huh? And she was like, was she good? And I'm like, this is so strange. And then my younger sister was like, stop fucking my friends. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Like my younger sister was like, would you like it if I fucked your friends? And I was like, I don't know. But yeah, she was more upset. And then my older sister was like, that's cool. Are you going to see her again? I was like, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. It was very different reactions. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, this is a cool thing that like my sisters are bringing talent home. Yeah. I had a younger sister, but we had to get much older before I could have sex with her friends. Cause she was, uh, she's 17 years younger than me. Yeah. So what? Last year? That's awesome. Yeah.

Oh, God. No, it's been a long time, man. Wait, you did hook up with a sister's friend? Oh, yeah. Yeah. How did she, did she know? Did she learn of it? We never talked of it. She slept with my friends and I slept with her friends and we never talked of it. Oh, you guys never talked of it? Because we're Irish. Irish people don't talk about sex. Right. You know, you're Mexican, so like- That's true. You just talk freely. Yes, yeah. Eat beans and- It just comes out. Dance. And you dance after you talk about it, right? That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

And there's a mariachi playing. It's perfect. What a culture. I think it was when I got to the second round of their friends that my younger sister was like, this is disgusting. You need to stop. Yeah. It's a little incestual. It's a little weird.

Yeah, but here's the key. This is what I found in college is become friends with the cool girl and then you work, you satellite off of her. Off of her. To the friends. So for her you have a platonic relationship. Yeah, you have a Harry Met Sally kind of thing happening. She respects you and then all the other girls see you as having the ability to form a friendship with a woman and then you exploit them. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's a really good, if you're young and you're listening, people.

If you're in college, this is exactly what you should do. And also do well because they're all going to chat. So oral, be tireless. Yeah.

Just do your neck stretches. Yep. First. Yep. Put some ice cubes on your tongue. Yeah. Before you get down there. They are going to talk. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it was before there was chat rooms on the internet. There was like, you know, dorm rooms where they went, Tom will go down. Yeah. That guy eats a lot of everything. Yeah. Yeah. He gets full by the end of it. Yeah. Yeah.

But that was like cocaine sex in college where you just like oral would just go on. It was like crazy. It was like, you know, it was like porn. Yeah. So long. And now when you're married, it's like, what? No. For how long? I know. It's like, don't fart. Come on. It's just gross. Yeah. It's like, unless we're both showering, like that's not happening anymore. Eating ass. Eating ass. Yeah.

Or even just asking her for a blowjob. It just seems like this is the woman that's like, you know, we're having dinner together and we're hanging out. All of a sudden I got to put my dick in her mouth like that. That feels wrong. I can't even ask. I mean, it happens once in a while, but it's never it's never on request. No, it's got to be her move. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. The request is like, wait, what? Yeah. Yeah.

You want to do what to me? And what are you doing for me? Yeah. What do I get out of this? You want me to get nothing out of it while I pleasure you? It's not a marriage. Here's the thing. I want to ask for it and I don't want to hear about your day. Yeah.

Don't tell me what you did today. Right, right, right. Pretend you're someone else. Yeah, yeah. Don't fucking put caveats on it. No. That's why it's always good to do... When you go in a hotel room together, that's when it's like, oh, yeah, oral. It's the only place there's oral. That's true. Yeah. That's why those staycations are important. Getting a hotel for the night. Yeah, right. When I did... When my...

My son was born, and I've told this story before, so stop me if you've heard it. But when my son was born, my mother-in-law came out and she said, all right, it's been six months. You guys go off and get a hotel room. We lived in Venice. We got one in Marina del Rey at the Ritz-Carlton.

Because we don't want to waste time driving. We just want to sleep and have some sex. Because I don't think we'd had it in six months. And so we go off, and she was breastfeeding at the time. And so we got to the hotel room, and we had sex. And then we took a walk on the beach, had dinner, got back to the room, and we're like, should we have sex again? I was like, yeah, let's just do it in the morning. Let's just get a long sleep. We'll have a brunch. We'll have sex. Yeah.

2 a.m., I get woken up to her crying, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. I go, what are you? What are you, missed a kid? What's going on? She's like, no, my breasts are engorged. I didn't, I need to breast. She goes, I didn't bring a pump. I forgot the pump. I was like, what do you mean you forgot the pump? I go, she goes, no, we got to go home. I need to feed or pump. I'm like, we got this hotel room for nine more hours. We're going to eat. We're going to have sex. I go, we can't. She's like, you don't understand. I'm dying right now. I have to be relieved. I go, what?

Pop them out. So she pops out a breast and I put my mouth on it and I start just sucking, you know, like, and she's like, no asshole. And she's like adjusting my jaw and pushing up the bottom of it and instructing me. And she's a lactation consultant, which is the irony of all this. So she's showing me how to do it. And then I, and I couldn't get it. And then all of a sudden just this,

this hard, hot stream of like sweet. It was like a chai latte going in the back of my throat. And so I unlatched and I spit it out. And then I'd start all over again to get the suction. She's like, no, you can't spit it out. So I start swallowing it.

And I suck and I swallow and I suck and I swallow and I'm starting to kind of get into it. And I get to the second tit and I'm getting pretty into it. And then I start and I got my arms around her. I start kind of rubbing against her. And then slowly we begin making love. And by the end of it, like we're both orgasming. I got milk dripping down my chin. I was like an animal. I was like, yeah!

And then we fell asleep in several wet spots. There was several wet spots in the bed. And then came home the next day, and she was, that my son comes up, and he's like pulling on her shirt to breastfeed her. I'm like, a little late, asshole. Yeah.

And then the joke was on me because like humans are not meant, adults are not meant to swallow that. And I had diarrhea for like three days after that. Sweet smelling diarrhea. So you drank a lot of milk though. Probably a few ounces. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It tastes pretty good? It tastes, you ever tasted it? I mean, I dabbed. I'm shocked. A dab. Not like. I'm shocked. Yeah. Just a little. I didn't have any like mouthfuls of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's incredible. Well, it's funny when you're in college, like you guzzle beer. Yeah. And then you have a kid and like that's the new party. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That sounds like that was a very...

necessary trip for you guys too at that time. Yeah. Yeah. We needed it. Yeah. Did you ever do those? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Just didn't go far. Just grab a hotel. A hundred percent. Yeah. And the thing is you really do go, we're going to have this whole thing. And then you're like, we just slept 11 hours and I think we should just go back. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. I know. Like you, you have your plans and then you're just like, you're so sleep deprived that you're just,

catching up on this big sleep deficit. Yeah, because sex, you realize like once you have your kids, your body kind of goes like, what do you, your dick's like, what do you bother me again for? I did it. Yeah, we're done. We're done. Yeah. I proved myself. Get into some other hobbies, man. How about some parenting? Why don't you just focus on being a parent? You should read a chess book or something, you know? Okay.

I guess I will. By the way, oh, I forgot to plug these. Speaking of huge venues. Oh! September 13th, Vancouver. September 14th, Denver. No, that's not me. Vancouver? Yeah, yeah. Are you going to Vancouver? Yeah, yeah. Oh, are you doing your dates right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, that's hilarious! Yes!

I forgot to plug them. I gotta plug them. I was like, fuck, I gotta book my flight. Because I'm in Denver next week. Oh, you're okay? Yeah, yeah. Well, you're in Denver too. I'm there September 14th. September 26th, Cleveland. September 27th, Buffalo. 28th of September, Toronto. And then we're announcing 2025 dates soon. Wow. There's that. Okay. Sorry. Can I say mine? Yeah, of course. Denver, Tulsa. Do you want to pull it up? Do you want it pulled up? Yeah, why not? Well, he can pull it up on the screen for you. Is it gregfitzsimmons.com? Yeah. All right.

But yeah, Denver this weekend, which the Comedy Works, which is just... The best. It's just unbelievable. They run a good... There we go. Comedy Works and then the Mothership next weekend. And then I will be in Fairbanks, Alaska, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Tacoma, Punchline, San Francisco, Chicago just announced. Amazing. All at FitzDawg.com. I love Chicago. Comedy Town. Great comedy.

Oh my God, it really is. And it didn't used to be. For a long time, it was just improv and sketch and like stand-up. There was always Zany's, but it's not a huge club. It's a great club, but like never, it's not, you know, it's 200 seater. Yeah. And other clubs would try to launch and they just never stuck.

And then maybe about seven or eight years ago, like the Den Theater started doing comedy. That Den Theater is awesome. It's awesome. That is awesome. Yeah. That's like where it's kind of like a semi-round thing. It's around you. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people have shot, Sam Morrell shot a special there. I had, I did a, I just did a show there, I don't know, six, seven months ago. Yeah. One of the most fun shows I've done in a long time. Really, one of the most fun shows. And I had, my son went to college in Chicago. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

And so he came out to see me when I was there and he bought all of his friends. - Oh, that's cool. - And then I proceeded to talk about having sex with his mother several different ways. And he was horrified. - It's gotta be like, by the way, there's just, I mean, 'cause our kids are such different places in life.

Most of their dads come to town and it's like, maybe he'll take you to Chili's or something. Yeah, right, right. And then you come to town and they're like, your dad's fucking cool, dude. I know. His friends are pretty impressed. It was a pretty cool moment. And now he's going to hear this podcast and find out that I sucked milk out of his mother's breast. Took it from him. Yeah, it was his fucking meal. It smelled good. I drank your milkshake. Yeah.

That's awesome, dude. Yeah. And yeah, Chicago for me was like, so I, I live in the Midwest a lot and Chicago is the, it's the prize of the mid, you know what I mean? Like you live in Midwest towns and you're all bullshit next to Chicago. Right. So when we lived in Milwaukee, it was like going to Chicago was like a big deal, right? Like we're going to a real city, the big city. And when I started doing standup, you know,

You do get, I think, a little intimidated when you're going to big cities for the first time. But it also feels like an accomplishment. You've arrived and you're like, oh. And I had so much excitement and nerves about my first Chicago play. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm going to play a Chicago improv.

And then you drive out to Schaumburg. Right. It's 45 minutes away. And you're like, oh, I'm not in Chicago at all. And then you're like, oh. And then they're the ones that tell you. They'd be like, yeah, you're not in Chicago. And you're like, no, I know. So you're like, you still haven't played Chicago.

Yeah. You played the suburbs of Chicago. No, there's a lot of those gigs. My agent's like, hey man, you want to work Cleveland? And then you get there and you're just looking in the rear view mirror of the car and you're going like, hey, it's back there. Where are we headed? And then they drop you off at a hotel that the club owner has put zero thought into how you're going to live the next three days of your life because the hotel has no restaurant. It's in an office park. So you literally can't even walk there.

To food. Yeah. I got a good deal on it. Eat shit. I don't care. Yeah, right. And so you're forced to like order takeout, which so you spend all your money for the week or, you know, I just remember walking along the sides of highways in the blistering sun to get to a Denny's. Yeah. Where was one of those? I think it was the Des Moines Funny Bone where it was like a highway restaurant.

Holiday Inn. Uh-huh. And then the only thing that was food-wise...

in even any type of walkable range was something with like butter balls or something. Like it was like, and so you'd walk down the highway and have like butter ball burgers. You're like, fuck, I'm going to die on this trip. Like it was, yeah. And then you basically save your big meal for the green room and you end up eating chicken wings and nachos. Yeah, cheese sticks. Cheese sticks. And then you're like, you know, my health has actually been declining recently. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I don't know why. I know. Jesus, my colon is... Eating like shit. Yeah. I really feel like sometimes I'll go like a week and not have a single vegetable. Yeah, it's not good. No, it's so hard to eat right on the road. Like some comics are... Like Ian Edwards is a vegan. I don't know how he does it though. I think he chooses what cities he works in. He won't go to... Based on the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He won't go just anywhere. Yeah, I try to like...

We have conversations about food leading up to the arrival. Figure out this for lunch, figure this out for dinner so that we can get good quality food. Yeah, it's got to be hard when you're staying at the Four Seasons to get a decent meal together. I feel for you.

It's got to be hard when you have an assistant that's arranging food from a gourmet place. Well, the thing that you can do sometimes is you have the chef prepare your food before you leave. Oh, that's the key. That's the thing I figured out. Right. You figured it out or somebody on your staff figured it out? That's another way of saying it. They'll just have the chef prepare it. They're like, got it. My God. What a life. I think about your life.

Not a lot, but frequently. Really? Yeah, I do because first of all, I'm very proud of you and you really earned it. But then I think about how much work it must be to have so many people that, God bless you, you're providing jobs for a lot of people, but it's a machine. I think, does Tom ever just have a day where he gets to not make a decision? It's the busiest I've ever been in my life by a long shot. It's not even close. Yeah. Yeah, it's like,

beginning of the day until I mean I had to hand in scripts I sent one in at 11.30 last night got up tried to get my workout in before and then it's all day it is all day because there's also like

six, seven things going. I'm not saying to feel, I'm not doing this like feel bad. I'm just saying it's very busy. It's very busy. No, no, no. It's amazing, but it takes a certain type. Like when I think about guys like you and Bert and Rogan, like if you were not in standup comedy, you would be the CEO of a thriving business. Like you have executive skills and you have stamina and focus and,

Yeah, I mean, I think I would, I probably would have been an entrepreneur of some kind, I think, like working in some type of startup or something. Yeah. I'm drawn to it. I like it. Right, right. And then it's so funny because at the end of the day, then it's all based on you standing on a stage and-

I know. That's the engine that drives all the other stuff that you have to be responsible about. You know, trying to stay on top of social media and scheduling and being a decent person that people work for and not an asshole. You're totally right. And then it comes back to like, when I fart, it's sometimes hot. Yeah.

How hot is your fart? Right, right. You ever fart on your wife's leg when you're sleeping at night and then she farts and then you both laugh? And then people go, and this is the magic that you provide? Yes, this is it, right? Somebody's doing a profile on you for the New York Times and they're trying to find a quote that's usable, that's not absurd. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

This I thought you might enjoy. I just saw this. This is a news article. Oh, okay. Can you pull up Gosder Cherilis, G-O-S-D-E-R, former NFL player accused of urinating on a passenger on a Delta flight from Boston to Dublin, which is the, like, that's very Greg Fitzsimmons. That flight? Boston to Dublin? Yeah. I mean, that fits all over. Right, right. Yep. There he is. Oh.

Oh my God. Former NFL offensive lineman, Boston College football star is accused of urinating on another passenger.

Chairless 40 of Wakefield, Massachusetts. You know where Wakefield is? - Sure. - Yeah. Pleaded not guilty to interfering with the operation of an aircraft. He was released on $2,500 bail. Mass State Police said they were called to Logan Airport in Boston around 2:00 a.m. Sunday after Delta Flight 154 from Boston to Dublin, Ireland was returning.

because an unruly passenger urinated on another passenger on board. Do you think the flight attendant threw a yellow flag when he did it? According to the report, Perilous appeared drunk when he arrived at the airport. Before the flight took off, he allegedly argued with another passenger. That's always good when they're like, just let him board. Yeah, right. Yeah, he's only 6'8". Let's get the angry drunk guy on. Yeah.

Then about an hour into the flight, they said he walked up to an elderly woman, exposed himself, and emptied his entire bladder for approximately 20 seconds. The flight attempted to stop him, but he became unruly and aggressive. He is 6'6", 280. It took two sets of handcuffs to restrain him when he got back.

And one of the cuffs was on his cock. Wow. Empty. That's the best. So he was unruly. He took a full piss. Full piss, which means they were grabbing him. Yeah. And he maintained, like, if I'm in the ocean and I'm trying to take a piss and a wave comes, I have to stop. Cuts off, yeah. This dude continued. I'm going to empty this thing out. That's the discipline that gets a guy into the NFL. That's what I'm saying. It's almost to be celebrated in a way.

way. I think so. Yeah. And maybe marking territory. Imagine like what percentage of the population could do anything about him pissing on you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. It's other NFL players. That's about it. Yeah. All of us would be like, I guess finish pissing. Like your cock's bigger than my whole arm. So just piss on me. Right. I'm surprised they subdued him. I mean, six foot six. Dude, look at that fucking guy. Damn.

Yeah, that's not... I gotta think on the...

The Boston to Dublin flight probably already has tarps on the floor of the plane just because this happens so often. Extra sponges. This dude looks like such a problem that if he pissed on my mom, I'd be like, just let him do it. It's good for your athlete's foot. We don't want any problems, I guess. And when you're drunk, that's a lot of piss. It is. And it stinks. Yeah, it's a savage dude.

I wonder how drunk he is to do that because that's not something that you're a little tipsy on. That's fully fucking hammered. But why the old lady? I mean, that's, I think there's a thing called a gray shower. Have you heard about that? No. Instead of a golden shower, there's a silver, silver, not gray, silver. Pissing on an old person? It's when you piss on an old person or they piss on you. So that's his search on X Hamster? Yeah. Yep.

I heard a comic talking about it last night. Gray Shower. I think it's Silver Shower. Unless this comic was lying last night. Oh, man. We did that...

That show that Brian Simpson does where you pick a topic. The best. Bottom of the barrel. It's so fun. So much fun. Silver Shower. Yeah. The act of performing a golden shower, which is urinating on someone, either for sexual pleasure or attempts at humiliation. The difference is that the one who is performing the silver shower is hydrated, causing the urine to be silver instead of gold. Oh, okay. Okay. This is the act of a geriatric person urinating.

Of either sex, you're nating on a millennial. Also a silver shower. I thought millennials were all about not having this kind of behavior. This must be them acting out their shame. Jesus Christ. What do you think of that, Christina? She's shocked. She's totally shocked. Yeah. Jesus. She can't even form words. I mean, if you have an old lady piss on you...

Like, it'd be hard to plan it because they're just kind of pissing all the time in their pants. Yeah. Do you like piss? No. No. I mean, I don't get that. What's the payoff? Somebody urinates on you? I guess if I was in the shower, it might be fun. Like, I definitely have been with my wife in the shower. And peed. And you pee, and then they figure it out and they yell at you. That's classic. That's part of marriage. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, oh, my God, it stinks like coffee in here now. Yeah.

It's hot. Yeah, I mean, when you were sucking milk out of my tits, I knew you were weird, but this is really... This is gross. But like, I mean, but then you have... I mean, do people do it in a... All these squirters...

Peers. They're peers. This is an age-old debate about... Yeah. I mean, so many people are adamant that it's one or the other. I've never heard the consensus on this. I don't know. I mean, people are like, it's not... They'll tell you it's not pee. And you're like, okay. And then I think I've seen, heard doctors be like, no, it's pee. Well, would he have an extra bladder that holds a different liquid in it? I don't understand.

Because it's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. Shooting out. I would not be into that at all. If someone did that, I'm gone. Piss everywhere? No, but I mean, if I even believed it wasn't piss, that it was spray. I still don't want that liquid on me. Spray. You're not the guy who would put his face in there. Yeah. No. Think about what women go through with jism in their face. I've never jismed on a woman's face. No? No.

Oh, you have? Yeah. Wow. But also, I mean, it's reduced in trajectory and velocity, but like shoot it so far. A lot of times it was like, you know, missiles, like they were just getting. When you were young? Yeah, it was just always. Really? Oh yeah, headboard, everything. No. Yeah, yeah. Good for you, man. That was like the, you know, that's all I had. What am I going to say? Yeah. Yeah. Just a crazy.

crazy volume and trajectory how much volume so much

Like I've said it before, but like I remember in college, this girl, she jerked me off. She was, what do you have four balls? Like it was, she's like, this is so much cum. Yeah. It was so much volume. Would you save up or was that just a day's rations? I think it was just, I had a, you know, cause that's really your prostate seminal fluid. And then it's just a roll of the dice on how long your orgasm lasts. And I just had a long one, a big long one.

Yeah. And I was lucky because it felt good. Yeah, yeah. But honestly, the cleanup was always like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a problem. Jesus. I just... My...

My belly button was always the goal. Get past the belly button. Oh, man. I caught them in my face all the time. No! Laying on my back. Yeah, I was like, oh, shit. Oh, my God. Yeah. Shooter, man. Yeah. You could have done porn. Just for that. They'd be like, oh, it's not a great cock, but like, whoa, that's a lot of cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I think ultimately...

If I watch porn, I don't want to see a huge cock. I don't want to see a mediocre cock. I got a real problem with that. Yeah. Yeah, actually, I think it's the gayest I ever feel is when I'm like, is that his cock? Oh, you want a big cock. Well, I want it to be like, you know, an admirable one. Yeah. It doesn't have to be the 12-incher. Right. But like if the guy's like a 5-incher, I'm like, come on, man. Why are you in this business? Yeah. How'd you get in this? Yeah, that's true. Just like...

just something where you go like, okay, not, you know, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, and I'm well endowed. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't shoot far, but I make up for it by the length of the- You've got a big one. I've got a big one. Nice. Yeah. That's cool. And I think it runs in the family. My father, there was some reference to my father having a big one. Really? I never saw it. I'm not one of those kids that saw. You probably did because you're Mexican, right? I saw my dad's balls. You did? A few times. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Just the balls? Well, just because of like, I walk in and he's changing and he's bent over and I see his, they had like pig nuts. Like they were like, I was like, God. What do you mean? From behind? Between his legs? Yeah. And I was like, oh.

those are fucking huge get that get out of here I'm like those are your balls and then yeah one time I remember I was he was on the bed laying there in his in his boxers and I saw his balls like hanging out of the side and I was like yo you got some nuts he's like oh shut up don't even cover himself big big old nuts that means he probably came like you I don't know we definitely didn't have that chat did you ever see your mom with like a little chafing on the bottom of her chin a little flaking no I'm sure she would love the topic

Mom, you look like a billy goat. What the hell happened in there? Yeah, I don't know. Big nuts, though. Yeah. Mine aren't. I have totally normal nothing. Have you seen Ari's balls? Yeah, naturally. It's got huge nuts, right? Yeah. Big nuts. Joey Diaz has big nuts. Big nuts. You know who has really big nuts? Who? Jim Florentine. Does he really? Oh, yeah. Legendary. Really? Yeah. I wonder, like, because the thing that they always say about, you know, in comedy, it's like,

Obviously, we all have our insecurities. I think a lot of them are sexual, female-based. In other words, the supermodel dude doesn't become a comedian. So I think there's obviously a lot of people talking about their dicks and dick jokes and being not enough, inferior in some way. I wonder how many guys have a nice piece in the comedy community.

Yeah. Because I bet there's a lot of mediocre dicks. Well, you know, legendary... The legendary dick was...

Milton Berle. Milton Berle, yeah, had a hammer on him. Yeah. I never saw it, but I was a member of the Friars Club and there was a steam room and it was confirmed. They were like, yeah, he's got a piece. Yeah, everybody talked about it. And he was very open about walking around the locker room with nothing on. When I belonged to the Friars Club, I'd go to that steam room because my father was a friar. So I grew up there. Oh, right. My father was in radio in New York. He's a famous radio guy. Yeah. And so when I was a kid, I saw the OJ chase at the Friars Club. I watched the...

What was it, the 1980 Olympics where the hockey team won against the Russians? Yeah, 80, yeah. I was there for that. So I used to go in the steam room

When I was like a kid, not a kid, I was like 12 and I'd go in there and I'd see all these old dicks. It's almost like they were melting. The balls and the penis were just melting and then they'd love to walk around naked and then they'd hold up the shaft and they'd powder. There was like a powdering. An air dryer in their ass. The wall, they always dry their asses. Because it was so hairy back there. And so I'd go in the steam room

and then you go into, and the steam room was famously like one of the best in the city. And then you go into these showers, and the showers, like these big stalls, and it had like the showerhead was like a manhole cover, and it was blasting like 1,000 gallons. It was like being in a civil rights demonstration. You're just getting blasted against the wall. And then you get out, and there was this Polish guy

And you would step out of the shower, and I'm not making this up, he would towel you down. Really? You would stand there, and he would towel down your body. And then he'd give you a warm towel, and he'd walk to your locker, and you'd get dressed. And at the time, I think I would give him a dollar. Yeah. I was there all through. I was in acting school in New York, and I used to go there every day after school. That's kind of nice. Shoot pool, take a steam workout. Wow. Yeah.

It was great. It's gone now. When did it go away? Just like a couple years ago. Yeah, I think, well, before it went away, I had lunch there. It was my only time. Oh, did you really? I had lunch there, yeah. It's a pretty special place, isn't it? Yeah, it was cool. It was really cool. I mean, there's so much history on the walls and stuff, too. It was very cool. I know. Frank Sinatra was the dean forever. Everybody, yeah.

But that lunchroom, I mean, you'd walk in and the thing is like comedians of that era, like the Borscht Belt comics, the Catskills guys, you know, like Alan King and, you know, Henny Youngman, like they loved being funny. So you'd walk into that dining room and you'd go and they would all work the room, they'd call it. They'd work the room. They'd go from table to table and they'd all have a funny story, a couple insults. And it was just the greatest.

Greatest feeling. Like, sitting there, I never felt more like I was in show business than when I was like a young comic sitting in that dining room. That's very cool. And Freddie Roman used to take me there. He was my sponsor because my dad had already died. So he sponsored me to be a member of the club.

And then I hung out with Alan Kirshenbaum, who's a big writer on SNL. He kind of mentored me for a while. They all took care of me. They were great. It's sad that it's no longer around. Breaks my heart. And it just was that it wasn't supported anymore. There was some embezzling. Yeah. There was some financial malfeasance. You don't use that word a lot. No, you really don't. Malfeasance is pretty...

High-level word. Yeah. And you don't use it without financial. True. Because when anybody say malfeasance. You know, it sounds, it's actually French for mal, which is bad, and feasance, which is shit, right? Feces? I think so. Some bad shit happened. That is the etymology of that? Yes. Wow. Yes, that's right. You've decided that or you know it? Yep.

Another update, too, before we go. Garth has officially turned off all his comments on Instagram. That's pretty exciting. He was just blocking and kind of restricting people, but now it's just all done. That's exciting. Well, I'm asking people on my special in the YouTube page to say where you... It's called You Know Me. Put down where you know me from. Like, if you heard me on this podcast, write a comment that you know me from.

Your mom's house. It's out now. It's on YouTube. It's called Greg Fitzsimmons, You Know Me. Go to Greg's YouTube channel. He's one of the best in the business. Watch the special and leave a comment where you discovered Greg from, where you know him from, and hopefully we'll see a bunch of YMH there. Yeah. Awesome. Thanks for coming, man. Thank you so much. Great hanging out. Always fun to see you. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Bye.

This homie beat me, this homie beat me, this homie beat me, oh yeah This homie beat me, this homie beat me, this homie beat me, this homie beat me, oh yeah This homie beat me, this homie beat me, this homie beat me, oh yeah This homie beat me, this homie beat me, this homie beat me

This is what we make, dude.

You see me when I come up today, try it out, try it out, man. You see me when I come up today, try it out, try it out, man. I'm a hot, fuck-like trash, come to me.

Turn up, man. I don't think I need to be fucked up. Turn up, man. Piss off and beat me. Oh, man, no. No. No.