The Best of Both Worlds w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 757
01:31:37 Share

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This is Crazy Texas. Which one are you singing? So crazy right now. Yeah, I'm gonna get so crazy right now. Wow. I'm gonna get crazy right now.

because I feel like that song is about you and me really well because around that time is when we started dating oh oh oh oh oh no no wow and then not only that got the hottest chick in the game wearing my chain that's right ho and that was right around the time too that's yeah remember she's in the video you see her dancing similar yeah but you're into the new album inspector

I'm into the new song. I'm afraid to go to the album. Are you going to do it? It was recommended to me by one person. And I think whenever you have a semi-polarizing thing, that's a good thing. That's great. So one person told me this thing's amazing, and the other person told me, no, it's not. And so that makes it interesting to me. Okay. I'm just afraid of ruining my goth credibility. Oh, don't worry. Nobody cares.

I tow such a fine line. It's fine. With my audience. Oh, you think they're going to be like, she's not authentic. Well, I'm telling you, in the goth world, you got to maintain your levels. So you can't even check out other music? You can very quietly. You can't like admit it. Really? Oh, for sure, dude. But all you. For sure. You guys. That is so disrespectful to the goth community and people listening right now. Oh,

All you gay lords listen to other stuff. This ain't Texas. Uh-huh. This ain't Texas. Go ahead. Say it again. I ain't hold on. Here's where they get me is they put it on TikTok and you know who lives on the talk. And then I hear it 50 times. You know who's fully talked is this TikTok right here. Yeah.

What? Me? Yeah, of course. What's going on? Why are you attacking me? I'm not attacking you. I'm just having fun. What are you talking about? What's up with the hate? Hate from Austin for your wife today? I'm just joking, man. Come on. You're cool? I'm just, yeah, I'm in a good mood. But I thought you'd be happy that I'm finally getting into pop music. I've resented it. Yeah, that's very cool. I don't like it. And now I like one song. TikTok has gotten you, grabbed you. It got me in a lot of jams. Yeah, it does do that. Social media has these like...

the masterful 15 20 second clips you're like what is this yeah i actually have a a playlist in my phone tick tock jams yeah just the songs that i like tick tock jams there's there's some bangers in there you know okay cool what are you listening to these days all kinds of stuff really you know yeah yeah i got i mean tell you what i downloaded recently yeah so go ahead

Taylor sent me this song. I thought you were going to say Taylor Swift. I almost threw it in my mouth. Dead by Daylight. He said it's very aggressive. So I added that. I haven't listened to it yet. Aggressive how? Like what kind of? He said it's really dark, fucked up. He listens to it in the gym. So I haven't checked it out. Is it like heavy metal or death metal? I mean. What's the genre? That's the artwork. That looks horrifying. Yeah. That's cool. I guess it's hip hop, but it's like not your standard genre.

I got some Future here. I got the Beyonce album. I haven't checked it out. There's some Bootsy Collins. And I got some...

Arthur Verocay, I think that's Brazilian or something. Is that Portuguese? That's from 1972. You know, I hear, like you said, like little clips and I go, what is that? And then I just download it. That's the way to do it. Yeah. So there's a bunch of stuff like that. I downloaded Gary Clare Jr.'s new album. It's pretty good. Yeah. I want to check it out. Have you heard it yet? I started listening to it. Yeah. But, you know, I guess so taken, I get distracted by my own drumming. By your own drumming. Yeah. You're like, oh, I could have fucking improved this.

He didn't ask me to help him on this album. He didn't ask you shit. Yeah. Big mistake. Big mistake. Yeah. Big mistake. I want to check out that album too. Yeah, it's pretty rad. All right. There's so much to talk about, so much to get into, so many important topics. Are you ready to start the show? Here we go. I'm always afraid, but yeah. Okay, hold on. Oh man, for fuck's sake. Fuckin' shit. Baby. Yeah. Women. Yeah. I want to know. Big ones. Small ones. Mediums.

Mmm.

I like it. I like it. That was kind of cool. I'll tell you what's cool about this guy in a second. Mom Segura. I know what the speed is now, ready? Disco.

It's a J Scobie. It is. It is, right? I learned this. This part I can't take. That's too hard. What? What? That shot. They used that shot of your... Oh, I didn't know they did that. Of my coffee in my hands and stuff? This whole section, yeah. Look at that camera. I know, but what? Is it funny?

Yeah. That shot is funny to me. It's so stupid. Yeah. It's so, it's like silly. Yeah.

Here's our work area. I installed it a little while ago. Oh, shut up. Just having fun. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you because I wrote down some notes when I was... Because I don't like to interrupt when we're watching. I like to hold my thoughts. Sure. And I have to say, this guy's like the slow buildup. He was like little lady, big lady, medium. And then he got kind of an Iggy Pop. I wrote down Iggy Pop because it felt kind of very feral and punk and cool. Well, here's what's interesting about this guy. This is a wild ride of a video. It's only...

So at first it starts and you're like, oh, here's another severely mentally ill guy. Right. Which I love. Yeah, of course. I was like, oh yeah, the angle. Look at this angle. It's great. It's staring down shirtless. I don't even know what kind of chest that is. Never seen anything like that.

But very amorphous. Yeah. There's just like, there's nothing going on. Yeah. There's not tits and there's no muscle. He's staring down at the camera, you know, strong overhead light. It looks like those, I didn't know if that was a shower curtain or a window curtain. And then he's like, women, you know, women. Yeah. I want to know. And you're like, okay, you go, this is real weird, right?

And it's weird. And then he goes, you're like little ones, big ones. You're like, okay, this is going to just be. And then you're expecting it to end with him just being like, but then something happens. And in a moment, he just gets a little bit of like swag to himself. Right. And this is this thing where like your whole life when you're a guy,

You hear from women and other men, but women will tell you they like confidence. And this confidence takes over. Here he's in the weird state still. Still being weird. Hey, I'm fucking weird. And then also... Right there. I like it. Right there someone went, ooh. I like it.

Yeah, I like this bit. And when you're at a club or a bar and you see this guy get a chick, you're like, how? Because he went up and he was like, let's fucking party. And some chick was like,

Yeah, but it's also, like I said, it's like Iggy Pop. It's very like, now I want to be a dog. Like, it's kind of fucked up. And you're like, this guy could fuck. You start to think sexual. Yeah, well, he went there. Because he's free. He's free. Yeah, he's free. He's shirtless. Yeah. And he didn't just go...

All right. I'm looking for girls. I'm looking. He just like, he said, I want to party. So now he's putting a call out to people. And so now some chick's like, I want to party, I guess. And that's why he's a fucking rad dude. It works. Yeah, it really works. No, I know. Cause now I want to join his party. Everyone does. You're right, Tom. He created a vibe. He did. And now you want to join his vibe versus the other way was like, I want pussy. I want you to fuck me. But if this video cuts off,

You're like, that's just a weird fucking guy. If it just cuts off with him going medium ones. Yeah. Then it's different. But when he gets into this shit, this guy, now it becomes interesting. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Is that the whole thing? Bring it on, baby. And then you go, what? Has he been drinking cough syrup? Like, this is fun, you know? Bring it on.

Yeah, of course that's the end of it. You think this goes fucking on and on? This is it. It's all you get. You all right? Yeah, I was hoping it would go into a song. I thought he was going to beatbox or maybe start hitting his own chest. I wish we had a song. I wish we had a song. Yeah, maybe we can have someone in the audience make it. Quick update. Yeah.

Next week, I'll be at the Netflix is a joke fest in Los Angeles on May 9th at the Kia Forum. I have a special surprise guest that is confirmed is not being announced that you are going to want to rip your own pits and nuts off when you see it or hear it.

Also, there are a few tickets left for San Jose at the SAP, the SAP Center, on May 10th. I will see you there. Tickets for both are at tomcigaret.com slash tour.

May 8th, I have a second show for the Netflix Festival in Los Angeles. And then the... Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Is that it? No, that wasn't it. But we can do it for you. And then Orlando, Florida, The Funny Bone. The Funny Bone. August 16th, 17th. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Oh.

Oh my gosh. I should have known better. Yeah. Like I've heard that fart so many times. I know it so intimately. Yeah. It plays in our own bathroom. I'm so disappointed to myself. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Have you told him about that? Have I told him about that? I don't remember. I don't think we've discussed this publicly. Really? Yeah. Have we talked about it? No. They don't know what we're talking about. So we had a really weird layout for a bathroom. Like the design of the home that we bought was,

It was strange. The guest bathroom was literally just outside of our bedroom. It was such bananas. People taking shits and what not. Yeah, so they're like, can I use your bathroom? And you go, yeah, go to my room. Like, it's a strange thing. So we ended up, whatever, changing that. And then we needed to add a guest bathroom for the, you know, the level of the house, right? So-

We take a space and we convert it to a bathroom. And while we were going through the process of making it the bathroom, we were like, you know, we should make it fun. So first we, we did like fun wallpaper and then like a cool, you know, uh,

a cool sink. We're just like trying to make it like a fun space. And of course, a Toto washlet for our guests. Toto washlet for our guests. You can't just take a shit. You can just dump and leave with a clean butthole. Yeah. And then we added, we wrote wipe down in our own signatures and they did like a neon thing on the ceiling. So it says wipe down. It's so good. It's so good. And then the final piece of the puzzle that really makes it amazing is we get a,

We get the guy to add a sensor that you don't see under the sink. So when you walk in, like you just walk in, you're like, it's normal. And as soon as you walk past it, music starts to play in the bathroom. And then we loaded up MP3s from the show.

that can play. So, like, as you walk in... It's so fun. It's like, you'll just walk in and then you'll hear... Any. You really need to take a shit. That one I hear all the time. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit. And then you hear that in the bathroom. Mm-hmm. And then you hear, you know... Are you retarded? Yeah. And then there's a ton of... Sniff that one. Yeah. Farts and... Yeah. Yeah.

And guess what? There are a number of people who have used it once and been like, I don't like using that. People come over and they're like, no thanks. No, thank you. Can you turn that off? Yeah.

My favorite is when I'm sitting down and it goes F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. And the best part is- F-A-R-T. Yeah, that one. And then there's music that's laid under it too. So like you'll hear it for a little bit, just cool music. And then I'll be done shitting in there or whatever. And I'll leave the door slightly ajar. And then you'll hear it like for another five minutes, like all these loopings and top dog talking. And I'll say, yeah, there's a lot of top dog, which I like too. There are three-

I've noticed, I've seen three types of, oh yeah, this plays too. They're all the time. I haven't had any butthole itch for a month. Three types of people have walked out of that bathroom. I've noticed that there's people who go,

Yeah. They don't really say anything. They don't say anything. And you're like, nothing. And they're just like, it's like when we talk about someone came to your show and they walked backstage and they're like, well, we're going to go now. And you're like, okay. Like you just saw the show. You're not going to say anything. So there's, there's those people, they don't say anything. There's the people who kind of make it clear that they never want to go in there again. And then there's people like our neighbor, uh,

who I brought in with his son. And I've never seen people laugh this hard. And I'm like, this is what's fun. This is who it's for. Chuck came over and he was like on the floor, you know, like holding his... It was late too. And he just wanted to stay in there. And I was like, that's the fun of this room. That's the best. And you should also mention is that we...

We wanted it to kind of be like a green room, like dark. Yeah, it's really cool lighting. The lighting is actually red primarily. It's like red and a little bit of light. And then I put a true mirror in there. So you can see her. Yeah. But it's at the level that when you sit. So when you sit to shit, you see what you really look like.

So a true mirror gives you... That's still in another bathroom though, right? Goodman? Oh, Goodman, he's always with us. He's in our primary where we show all the time. But a true mirror shows you the reflection as other people see you. So you'll be like, you know, it's really fun. It's very cool, yeah. Dad! Buddy! Hey, I gotta tell you something. What's that? I'm Pauly and I'm bi. What's that? I'm Pauly and I'm bi. Okay. Yeah.

I'd go retarded. Did you just fart? That one too plays. Did you just fart? But I like when he goes, he goes, uh, he goes, I found a few niblets in my underwear. That one plays in the bathroom too. Tommy, would you marry your dad?

Yeah, cool. Rest in peace. Yeah. It is kind of our tribute to Top Top. It is, yeah. That toilet. He would have been really into it. Oh, he would have thought, oh, this is pretty neat. Yeah. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday only on Peacock.

Summer is supposed to be an opportunity to slow down, but when you look at your kids, you can't help but notice that your kids are growing up fast. Help them build independence as they grow with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families, where parents can keep an eye on kids' money habits while kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely. It's the easy, convenient way to raise financially smart kids. Get your first month free when you sign up at greenlight.com slash spotify.

It is the best thing about our house though. It really is my favorite thing. So a lot of people were alarmed by you. Me? As usual. Because you were so hypercritical of my face on a recent episode of the show. And you were like, God, you're...

ears and your fucking eyes and your nose and you look like shit and your nose is hanging over your mouth and you're like you really need to get surgery like ASAP. And then

the staff here discovered that I guess this was covered to a degree in episode 165. Wow, that's early. 165. And I think I may have brought it up. Here you go. Here you go. You know what else you have perfect? What? Your nose is perfectly straight and symmetrical. Yeah, it's kind of a drooper though. It's starting to droop at the end. I think by the time I'm an old guy, my nose is going to like hang over my lips. God, I can't wait. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. You called it. How did you know? I think I've seen pictures of like my mother's father and some of her brothers and they all, I think I have a la sarte, like her side of the family's nose and it all starts to do.

- This. They all have that nose. Yeah, my John Amos nose. Yes, exactly. - Well, is there anything to be done for it? - Yeah, you can have surgery as you suggested. - But to cut the tip, can they cut the tip? - They just shape it, yeah. - They shape it? - Sure, yeah. - I didn't really think you could fix that. Yeah, you look so much like John Amos. It's crazy, dude. It's the same exact nose. People were photoshopping you as him too. It was pretty funny.

I mean, I don't know. I don't see, you know, I didn't think that he was a black guy, you know? You didn't think he was black? Well, like I didn't like go like, oh, you know, like he was a black guy. I shouldn't. What? I don't know. I was just thinking of the nose. I don't understand what you're saying. Because I'm worried that people will think I'm racist because I was like, it's not racist, right? Okay, good.

Yeah, you look like him. I don't know. I don't even know what you just said. I know. I know. I just felt weird because I was like, I just realized now that he's black is what I'm trying to say. And I was like, I don't really, I hope people don't perceive that to be like racist. Oh, that you're comparing me to a. Yeah. Like I don't see it. Do you know what I mean? You're talking specifically about his nose. Correct. And you think I have a similar nose. A hundred percent. It's a gentleman that happens to be black. Exactly. Got you. Exactly.

Exactly. You weren't like, hey, you're black ass nose. Correct. Gotcha. Just so you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't mean to make it racial. Gotcha. I got you. Yeah. Well, speaking of race. Yeah, but you do have a fucking terribly John Amos. It's never, ever once been a consideration. So this Republican gigaboo that, you know, it's a tax rate that's stopping business investment. What? What?

That's racial racist. So that is a Democratic Senator from Maryland, David Trone.

He's speaking to, obviously, to a black woman named Shalonda Young, and he claims he was trying to say bugaboo. Sure. There's a bugaboo out there. Sometimes I get my words jumbled up. It's never, ever once been a consideration. So this Republican jigaboo that, you know, it's a tax rate that's stopping business investment. He didn't, like, catch it and go, oh, my God, I just said the wrong thing.

Y'all, sometimes, you know, you say it ends in boo. That's right. And I didn't know if it was bugaboo or what. You know how that goes in your head. Is that the full story? Does she say anything back to him? Nothing? No, she doesn't. She really just kind of plays it off. I would have said, I would have been like, I'm sorry, what? The Republican. Yeah.

I meant bugaboo. Yeah. Who says what? Whoever says bugaboo. Well, bugaboo is such an old timey word. That's real old timey. Who the heck is saying that? So is. Cheekaboo. That is really old timey. I wonder if Tanner, do you even know that word? Because you're so young. I feel like that's like from the 1940s or something. I thought it was like a fun word when I was little. Yeah. But yeah, I recently learned it was racist. You recently learned it was racist?

Yeah. You've been saying it and getting weird looks or what? No, no, no. I haven't been saying it since. It was just like, you know, I was like a kid, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I always thought just the J-I-G was probably the most fun way to say a word, you know? Huh? Jig? Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

But I never, Jigaboo wasn't something. That's old timey Southern racist. That's a really old timey. I think it's earlier than what you said. I don't know. I think it's like 19 teens or something. Yeah, because I've heard like old timey country songs where they use that word. Can you look up what era that's from? Like what year is that from? 1909. 1909. Yeah. So that's super old.

So he's like, what I said was something that my granddaddy used to say. Back where I come from. That's how we call him. He's from Maryland. That's wild. But I guess there's a fun line there. Well, now you got me curious about old timey racial slurs. And why can't we bring them back? I mean, like if they're really old, bring them back. What's old is new again, Tom.

Yeah. That's wild, dude. Well, it's cool. Thank you. Yeah. I wonder if this has to do with dancing, if that's where it comes from.

The jitterbug? Well, like, that's also an expression for dancing. Like, do a jig is like a... Right. Do you do an Irish jig? It's a dance reference. All right. Look up the origin of that word. So, like, I wonder if that's the etymology of it. So this was the first song that it was played in in 1909. Wow. I've got rings on my fingers. Okay. Okay. I've got rings on my fingers.

Okay!

I don't understand what the fuck is happening. I gotta tell you something. I don't feel any racism in this song.

This feels like. It feels sweet. Yeah, it's an old, gay, meaning happy. We need to bring back. And also lame song from that era. I agree. It sounds like it's Irish in nature. Yeah, this Irish guy goes and they make him the leader of the tribe. Because they call him Jidjo Bongo. But I'm saying if you're Googling it, it'll explain usually what's the, or how does it make its way into being a slur?

Because that actually feels like a fun timey expression there. There's just da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And in my red little hair, I danced and I pranced and everyone said, look at that gay man go. And that's how everybody used to talk about being happy and fun. I want to bring back gay to mean happy and fun. Do you want to just start using it again like that? I'm feeling rather gay today.

I had some fun shows. We had a gay old time. Yeah. That's what everyone used to say. It was a gay time. It was so gay. Now gay means lame. I know. But then how did, it's just like the gays take the gay word. I don't understand. I don't understand how any of this happened. There's so many ways. Because they're so happy being homosexual. We're gay.

I don't get it. But they do have fun. What you got here? Uh-oh. So yeah, it says what you were saying. It comes from jig and dancing and then mixed with bugaboo, which our senator was trying to say. The name of a mythical ghoul or monster like a boogeyman.

So you combine the two. Oh, a dancing bugaboo. It's thought to be derived from jig, meaning dance, and bugaboo, the name of a mythical. Okay. By the way, even if he was going to say bugaboo, still sounds racist. Bugaboo kind of does. Yeah, bugaboo sounds like jigaboo. And also it means monster. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So you meant a less bad word? You're still saying some fuck shit. Bugaboo. Yeah. Dancing monster. Dancing monster is what a black person is.

That's crazy. There's no way to spin out of it. Well, I mean, you know, dancing. You seen them dancing? You seen them dance? I didn't mean nothing wrong with it. I like dancing. Anyway. Goddamn, dude. Bugaboo. I don't know. That's a real old-timey word, dude. Yeah. But you're right. We got to bring these back. Yeah. I think there's less venom in them. I think it sounds... I don't know. I think the older ones sound...

Like, Picaninny sounds horrible. Right. That's right under there. I didn't just think of that one. It says that comes from the Portuguese pequeninho. Right? See, guys, that one's like me. A diminutive of pequeninho meaning little, although it is used disparagingly to refer to dark-skinned, usually African child. So it's to slander a child. Great. It's incredible that that just came into your mind out of nowhere. No, it was out of fate, I swear.

Yeah. That's horrifying. Yeah. It's, there are no boundaries for where the mind will go when it comes to hatred. That's the fun thing about it. That's the cool part. There's nothing that'll stop it. They're like, yeah, but we don't have a word for it to insult the children.

And then someone's like, you know what I just thought of? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for that. I just wanted a label for the group. They're like, no, no. What about the kids though? The youngins. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I don't know if there is a group where they even have a racial slur for the youngest of them. Like I can't even think. I don't think there's anyone. What about the Jewish people? People hate the Jews. Yeah. Is there like a little Jew slur? A tiny Jew? Tiny Jew. Josh? Baby J. Baby J's? Baby J's.

No, I think just. Yeah, you just kind of have to qualify the existing slurs. They're not as fun. Yeah. Look at this. Look at this tiny newborn baby Jew. You have to say that. You have to come up with a word. Yeah. Baby Jew. That's so tough. We got our work cut out for us. The whole world does. You guys know what to do. God. Fuck, man. Yeah. Isn't it fun? Yeah. Thank you for bringing this up.

I was just having a good day and then I had to hear the fucking Jigaboo again. That's a really old timey. Yeah, it's very, very cool.

Hey, it's Kaylee Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's Cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City, go Kevin! Or Becky's bachelorette bash in Bermuda, you never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your savings are waiting. ♪ Go to your happy place for a happy price ♪

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be.

Yeah, no, but that is special. I think it's important to point out that's how much people hate black people. Yeah. Is that they're like, we can't just have a one or two words. There's so many. Yeah. There's so many like awful old timey ones. And then when they were like, you know, there's all these horrible words. Somebody was like, what about the kids? Can't forget them. We don't want to just label them or everything else. God damn, dude. Also, we have been getting messages, we should say.

that we know that the Garth videos made it all the way to last week tonight, the John Oliver show. It's interesting. I just liked that. Yeah. That it's broadening in that, you know, and you think of the whole story, like the, the whole arc of this story, the fact that it's now in like on HBO and,

Well, yeah. I mean, look, we broke the story on your mom's house ages ago when he first came to Facebook and he was like, this is slick stuff, neat stuff. I'm going to break down the walls. We're like, what is wrong with this guy? So we've been pushing the story and it's about time HBO has picked it up as well. And then the next step, I think for all of us is probably 60 minutes. Once they do a piece on it, then it's game over. Then we're finding bodies. Then when the task force is on the property and they got it.

cadaver dogs yep and they're like holy shit and whether or not Trish is in on it which I'm I wonder well think about it she loves him she she seemed like a genuinely kind person she might be blind to what's really going on what do you think I don't know man I mean

Maybe she helps? Well, I'm thinking of like Eichmann, you know. Yeah. Like his wife knew who he was. He's hiding in Argentina. That's true. But it's not like she was like, who are you? She knew who he was. So does she just keep a secret about who he is or is she a participant? I mean, that's really the question. That's really her level of involvement. Yeah. Because like that guy's, Eichmann's wife wasn't a Nazi person.

but she knew who her guy was. Well, she knew where her bread was buttered. You know, these broads enjoy the money and the lifestyle that comes from such things. Oh, yeah. And they don't want to rock the boat, you know. Even Bill Cosby's wife stuck with him, Camille. She knew what was up. She knew what was up. She's like, I'm not fucking divorcing you. And then what? Some new woman comes in and gets my legacy, my money? No way. Yeah, you just keep doing... No way. You just keep taking them naps. You like to say... Yeah.

Yeah. We'll just see what happens. You think Camille knew? I wonder. Well, knew something? Yes. That's the difference. I think that's also, you know, the type of thing like, I know that this guy goes off and does something.

I don't think they know the extent or the details. That's your spouse, though, dude. I don't think she knows the details. You do suspect, but you never want it confirmed that that guy is doing creepy stuff. That's a crazy level. I don't think you really can wrap your head around that kind of. I mean, imagine if Trish just walks. She's like, I made you some. And he just turns around. You see his eyes are black. He's got.

blood dripping down his throat he's like yeah she's like i made you cookies i told you not to bother me i'm in my shed i'm working on a song yeah yeah oh yeah a lot of time alone in the studio sure sure sure yeah fuck dude real crazy stuff real crazy stuff um all right we should take a quick break yeah we'll be right back okay

And we are back and joining us for the first time. You can see his new special that's out right now is called Wild, Happy, and Free. It's on YouTube. It's Ian Finance, everybody. All right, Ian. Hey, thank you guys. Oh, claps in the back. Thanks, fellas. Yeah, man. Thanks for coming, dude. Thank you for having me. I'm excited. We're very excited you're here. New special's out. You shot it in New York City. Yes. Cutting room. Yep. And you're going to be in New York City.

And we were just saying that you're a big Ghostbusters fan. Yes. You have the shots of the firehouse. I did a shot-by-shot remake of the Ghostbusters first call.

from the secretary picking up the phone, Janine, but we had to do a cartoon of that. And it's my cousin Sherry answering the phone and she's a huge butch dyke from Delaware. So she's like, hello, ghost boss. Oh yeah. Oh, we got a call. She's like, yo, we got one. I'm like, yes.

And yeah, so I'm in the car and everything. And then I enter the building. And it's fucking awesome. I always thought those were fun. Like HBO used to do when people would get their half hours. Yeah. They would do those little sketches like, you know, to intro the special or outro. Those were always so fun. Yes. Those are my favorite. Yeah. And they were like silly. I think one of my most favorite was Norton's for, I think it was Mouthful of Shame. Uh-huh.

And he has like De Niro insulting him and then all those celebrities just like spanking him and being like really mean. I thought that was funny. Yeah. That's a great idea. And I feel like the specials don't, they're just like, ladies and gentlemen, blah, blah. Yeah. So I wanted to kind of do something like a, like kind of old school with that. Yeah. So.

- That's very cool. - Such a great, and plus you have the creative freedom because you're on YouTube, you know, you don't have to answer to whoever. You can do whatever the fuck you want. - Well, we were a little worried about Sony 'cause it's, I mean, we use the car, we use the firehouse, but we made my own logo. So we're not using the no ghost symbol. It's with my dumb face on it. - Oh, that's better. - Like I'm the ghost. - Sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we had the car for like four or five hours.

And people are stopping and taking pictures and they're like thinking it's the actual thing, but it's just my stupid face on it. That's just like waving at the window. You got the actual car? Oh yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll show you pictures. Is that a crazy expensive thing to do? The guys that run it,

And that run like the Ghostbusters Firehouse, like fansite, they're all kind of like fans of mine. So they really helped me out and were super cool with kind of accommodating us and making it so that it was really painless and,

And again, like we were worried about the Sony thing, but I think because we're using our own symbol, it's just, I guess it's like parody law, you know? Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was really, really cool. Oh yeah, that's Annie Potts. We got one! Oh, such a good, so good. I've quit better jobs than this. Now, did you see like every, the internet was going crazy a few weeks ago with reference to Ernie Hudson being 78?

Oh, yeah. Jacked. Oh, yeah. It's fun. Have you seen that? No, let me see. I interviewed him on a podcast. Recently. Oh, yeah. Dude, I went line for line with him about his lines and Ghostbusters. I was like jizzing the whole time. Let me see. This is it's fucking crazy. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's 78. I mean, look at that. I know. I know. It's amazing. 78 years old. Ridiculous. It's fucking insane. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

He looks awesome. That's dope, dude. Oh, that's great. That's amazing. That is great.

Oh my gosh, he looks so good. Yeah, and everybody's like, yeah, he's taking shit. So what? Of course. You think you just look like that because you take some shit? Look at him. That looks like a guy who's like fucking 45, man. That's crazy. He looks great. I said, Ernie, what makes you so strong? Is it mood slime? And then he had to pretend like he liked it. What do you think? What is going on? Is he just amazing genetics? I mean, I think it's genetics. He's probably on a really good regimen of like,

Maybe I'm just being naive and thinking that he's just on vitamins, but I don't know. And what does he say in this? He says, well, this is somebody saying like, sweet baby Jesus, I'm lusting after someone's grandpappy. Sweet baby Jesus. Uh,

Asked about that. He says, it's nice to be noticed. It's been a little bit of a surprise the last couple of days. I've always been in what I consider fairly good shape, but normally when I do those press conferences, I'm in a suit or a sports coat. Let's see. I've always tried to be healthy. He says, says the two-time cancer survivor. My career hasn't been about focusing on my physicality. The most important thing for me is just try to maintain your health. Just common sense.

i see guys who really pump up they get these massive arms and six-packs and that's what their career has been about usually the warden or the principal i'm usually the guy in the suit he hits the gym three days a week for an hour at a time he also works with a personal trainer and a pilates instructor um he says his trainer will put him through stuff that he feels he's gonna know he's gonna be sore it's painful i actually enjoy it um he says his uh he and his wife nearly 40 years tried to hit at least 10 000 steps a day

They do that with their dog. I've always looked at physicality from a spiritual perspective. So it doesn't seem like anything extraordinary. At least that's not what he's saying. Yeah, do you think he did that? Yeah, but this is just like those celebrities are like, I just lost the weight through diet and exercise. But I don't think he's doing something super, super dramatic. A bunch of ozempic needles fall out of their purse. But I think he's got great genetics. And he probably has maintained genetics.

healthy physicality yeah and now he you know he does what he does and he you know he shoots some shit in his ass yeah 78 that's insane that's crazy insane it's good though this is why you should take the tea definitely I put the tea in the booty you think he's on the tea for sure really of course yeah you think you're gonna maintain a muscular build at 78 naturally there's some outliers right 78 with muscle

No, not really. Shouldn't he be in like Guinness book or something? Like hottest, oldest black guy. Oh my God. Yeah. That is a category actually. Hottest, oldest, blackest. No, he's definitely on T for sure. But maybe he's on some other stuff. I don't know. He just looks like he takes care of himself. But here's the thing about it though. He's not like fainting and everything. If you take T at 78, just out of nowhere, this doesn't just happen to you. This happens because...

He has a great baseline. He's continued to probably eat healthy, stay active, and lift weights. This guy definitely has weight training. Yeah, and in the interview I did with him, he said he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs. There you go. My grandfather was, he died at like 52, missing all his teeth. He was like so...

terrible looking. - What was his thing? - Was he hardcore? - Oh yeah, really, really bad alcoholic and drug addict. - I should show you a picture. - It's fun to laugh about. - Fucking gnarly. - We're all laughing. - I wasn't allowed to meet him 'cause he was such a bad alcoholic. And the first time we found out he was dying, so I got to meet him and I sat on his lap and the first thing I said was, "Pop-pop, are you a robber?" 'Cause he was just so beat up and horrible looking. - Where did he come up? - Delaware. - In Delaware, okay.

52 he died? Bernie Hudson. Yeah. Damn, that's really young. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was terrible. Liver failure. It's good to be here, guys. Yeah, that's a really nice story. Well, I mean, look, 52, because I feel like I have all that in my family too, but then we just keep on ticking. Really? Like my uncle Nadezki didn't die until he was in his late 80s. He drank a fucking handle of...

vodka every day, drove a cab. Like I think he got diabetes later in life, but that's it. Lived through communism, ate sausage every day. Wow. What kind of genetics do you have? Are you white? Like super too white? Yeah, I think I have, aside from, you know, him that looked like a melting snowman when he died, I have really good metabolism. My dad had good metabolism. So did he. My grandfather was like a boxer. He was just a really bad alcoholic. And I...

Work out a lot. I ride a bike in New York City. But you guys have like Irish, like are you like? Italian. Oh, okay. Ashkenazi. Yeah, that's the week. Big old J over there, huh? Yeah. Hi, everybody. Hi. We were trying to figure out some old slurs a moment ago. Yeah. I got a couple. Oh, yeah? What? For what? Well, for young Jews, child Jews. Oh, annoying. Yeah.

Precocious. One thing, I don't know if you want to address it because he's right here now. I mean, Eni said that, you know, being bi is cap. Remember when you sent him a video? Oh, yeah. That's right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pushing it on to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was Christina's. Yeah. Whoa. Hey, we have a backbone. That was great. That was not me. That's not you? No, it was me. It says addressing Eni here. That's why I thought it was you.

He was, he did. He said, because I was also, I mean, I was, you know, I was riding her. Oh, okay. But yeah, no, that was not my theory. That was Miss Christina's. I'll tell you why, Ian. Hold on, for people that we got to give reference to people. Sure. We were talking about different things being cap and not, you know, full of shit. And one of the things that came up in a series of conversations week after week was bisexuality. You, I remember, mentioned it. Sorry, Eni was just like,

Yes, I agree. And then I reached out to you and you sent in a video. Yes. Here's just a taste of it for people. Hey, gang. It's your old pal Ian here. I just want to say I saw your little video clip, Christina. Okay.

Yeah, I'm a bi guy. Sorry you can't wrap your head around being cool, alright? Yeah, sorry you can't wrap your head around a fucking complete hell of God's design. You're kind of a bitch bastard God would make a man unable to be content with one sex.

be able to settle down, have a life. No, he's got to make me yearn for delicious cock and desire wonderful pussy and hot hold. Why? Of course I'm making stops in gay town. I'm also the mayor. This was great, and we played it. Everybody loved this, but you're the person that actually, you know,

made points that people could relate to on this story here. Interesting. So now that you have him here, I'm sorry. I'm so excited to talk to him. Okay. So Ian, here's the deal, man. Yes. Okay. I lived in San Francisco for like four and a half years. Uh-huh. And I feel like that's gay central. Yes.

And the men that I was friends with or dated or whatever that were claimed to be bisexual, it was just a short stop on the way to gay town. That happens a lot. That happens a lot. A lot of guys who are like, yeah, the thing is, you know, I kind of, I'm,

I'm kind of like both. You're like, oh, okay. And then five years later, 10 years later, they're all like, oh, well, you're probably hanging around like San Francisco lispy guys. Like, yes, I love pussy. But then and then there's been a few in L.A. that, yeah, they're like, oh, I'm bi. And then you're like, OK. But then a few years later, like you said, they go straight to gay town. Never to return to bi like.

Only cocks and assholes exclusively. No back, no vagine. It's like they're getting comfortable with coming out. So they're like, no, no, no. It's like everyone has their own probably path there. It's kind of like when you know your dog's going to die so you get another pet. So you're not...

beaten with sadness by the time the inevitable happens. Something to deal with the sadness. And I think some, like, it makes sense, right? Like I've, I've also like someone's been like, oh yeah, this guy, he's actually, he's bi. And you meet the guy and you're like, oh, okay. And then it's like, oh, this is, it feels like it. You can almost feel like this has got, this guy's just,

he's not comfortable yet with himself. So he's letting people know. See, that's why the B in LGBT stands for bully because we're the only ones that you're allowed to be like, you're not that. Oh, give it time. Queer. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Now you, you were going, sorry, I interrupted you. You're going to talk about the Lispies. You were like, Oh, you're hanging out with the, is the,

is there some correlation between? Well, I mean like, okay, so you could kind of like, I've come into my femininity in a way of like the rings have helped being Italian. Of course, you know, the hands, Hey, I love it. The cock. And, uh, I, I feel like I even do it when I see a guy that's like, yeah, I'm bi and I have a girlfriend. And I'm like, wow, that's clearly, yeah. Yeah.

But I have met a bunch of guys that are kind of like me that look like plumbers. So you think part of the authenticity of someone who's bi is like you where you don't come off as...

Well, nobody believes me. That's the thing. That's the thing that pisses me off. Because you're a masculine guy. Yeah. And then they'll be like, well, I've never seen you date a guy. And so you're gay. And I'm like, no, you're gay for caring. Like, why do you care about what I'm doing? Your emotions are gay, for sure. Yeah, exactly. But I can only speak for me, but I do, because I'm open about it, I do meet a ton of guys that look like,

fucking mechanics that are like hey man I suck dick too yeah okay thanks but are they sucking dicks on the side and they have a lady that they're with

Some of them. So they're just like, take a little piece of those types of guys or no, no, that's the thing. I'm not, I've, I've like, and, and I've kind of backed off on being like, I'm bisexual because it has so much, I mean, I'll ride for it and be like, yeah, because I know like a lot of bi men, it's, it's weird and tough, but,

More than anything, I'm just myself and I do what I want when I want. And I hate that when you hear bisexual, you automatically think this thing or you're judging or you're like you're a faker, you're gay, you're not gay, you're this, you're that. And it gets to be pretty annoying with just a bunch of people. Or even like some of my friends are like, well, I've never seen you with a guy. I think you're just lying for clout. And I've had to like grip them up.

Because people talk slick sometimes, and you've got to just fucking stand your ground and take it up for yourself. So you think... You are probably somebody who's truly sexually fluid then, right? You're saying you might feel more like this, and then it kind of... Right? Does it come in waves? Yeah. Like you're feeling more attracted to a certain gender? It's like when you're on a diet, you know? Yeah, yeah. You're doing real well, and then some days you need a cheat day, but with cock. Having pasta. Yeah. Or cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are you primarily...

who do you go i date women okay um and uh i date women trans women i've never dated a guy i've tried it just doesn't i don't know what it is like i and and also i always fall in love with my girlfriends you know and then

inevitably I'll be like, "I think we would, wouldn't it be great to be best friends together forever?" They're like, "No." And I'm like, "Okay, fair. I get it." And then I lose that attraction, but I've never been at a sleepover with my best friends who've been like, "Bill, will you just hold me?" - So the men is a purely sexual thing. - Sexual, yeah. And not even man ass. It's just cock. I don't know what it is. - Well, it's delicious. - Well, yeah, sometimes. - Of course, it's scrumptious.

- But then that's why I like "Trans" I mean, 'cause it's like a Miley Cyrus song. It's the best of both worlds. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That, yeah. I don't know, maybe my next lifetime. I can't wrap my, you know, I'm square.

but um okay so they're getting better than they were that that's true yeah i like them to look nice me too yeah i hate yeah i don't like the ones that look like they're put together with a mop and scotch tape oh the trans god bless you but you know and also like if you want to be on my team you got to play the rules like sorry i don't make the rules of looking like a woman but you should fucking try

- Yeah. - Wear makeup. - Put in effort. - I get my Botox, my Philzies, I do my Osempies. Like it sucks being a woman. Okay, well then sorry. - Welcome to being a woman. - When there's a guy who looks like me and then he just shaves and puts on a wig and he's like, I'm not getting treated.

Yeah. Like the woman that I am. Yeah. Like your effort is terrible. There's a video of this woman arguing with like some waiter at a Sonic or something. And she's like, I am a woman. And he goes, I just need to know what you want me to address you. And she goes, what do you think I am? And then she turns, she looks at him with the camera and he goes, you man. And she turns herself and she's a fucking linebacker. Her face is like, oh,

dare you it's like well he has eyes lady what do you want you know there was that show when the people were transitioning on the show it was a reality show yeah it was a fucking amazing show and this one man who was married with a kid and

and he's telling his wife, he's like, "I'm actually trans," and starts transitioning, and he works at a gun store. And he's got traps like this, and he just grows out his hair, and then starts the hormones, and then he goes into the gun store in Idaho, and they're all like, "Sup?

Jim yeah he's like it's Janet like okay yeah and the and then you see that he's like distraught right so you're like okay this you know he's not happy with like but you're also like man this you gotta you're gonna have to go way further to get the reaction you want the long hair is not enough right do your nails put clear makeup on but also run for a year yeah

Right. Wear a dress. Like if you want, you know. Yeah. Tell a story without an ending. Drive bad. Well, I was with a gal in Vegas and, you know, we were like laying in bed and she was like, oh my God, I don't want to drive home. Women drivers are so bad at driving and she's trans. I'm like, yeah, well, why don't you just put your hair up?

She loved it. I feel like there's like this misconception of trans people where a lot of people's introduction to them are online and in this Twitter space where it's not actual trans people. It's autistic guys wearing dresses and wigs that are obsessed with anime and are still somehow controlling as a man how we think, feel, speak, and talk.

But in the real world with like legitimate trans people, they're really cool. They're really down with jokes. They get it. Like a lot of my friends or women that I've been with are like, yeah, I'm not, I'm trans. I'm not a woman. And that is something that I love about myself. And, you know, obviously I present as this and that, but, you know, I

And I don't know. It's just strange. It's such a legitimate small percentage of people that are legitimately trans. And I think a lot of it is...

Um, I mean, at the end of the day, a lot of people need love and care. And a lot of it, I think, comes from, um, you know, these, these different things. There used to be transvestites and crossdressers and gender benders, and that kind of went away. And now if you even dip your toe in this lifestyle, you're immediately bombarded with you are this, you are that. And that's cool. That's totally fine. But, you know, I mean, I think, you know, before you, you know,

Chop your dick off. You should be in, you know, a therapeutic environment for a little while. Probably a good idea. Calling someone a gatekeeper because they're like, hey, let's think about this. I think it's cool that you're able to, like, you are open and able to articulate a lot of this stuff because it actually does give people like, oh, this is...

they don't get. They usually get, like you said, like sound bites or tweets or something. And then they go, well, that's what this is. But you actually provide real perspective on it. Well, yeah, thanks. I mean, also like, I, I don't know. I feel like, um, I, since I, you know, date and I'm in intimately involved with this group of people that are very like misunderstood, it's,

I don't know. It's like some of the women I meet are really fucking cool. And some of them are porn stars and they're super hot and they're doing a thing that I think is great where they're like,

being just down ass people and letting people see like, oh, they're not freaks. And it kind of like opens people up to the fact that, oh, these are people and they're expressing themselves. But I mean, I think everyone, if we're having a conversation in real life can admit like, yeah, there's a difference between someone that's presenting and trying and someone that's like, hey, brother, I know what it's like to get a period. It sucks. I got one for you though. This is interesting to me because you said you date women, right? Mm-hmm.

what's it like when I feel like you must have had every reaction when you share, do you share upfront or do you wait to share what you're in that you're, you know, I have to, so you do it out of the, out of the gate. Yeah. I mean, also it's, I, you know, a lot of my stuff is out there publicly. So if you do any, uh,

cursory research on me are kind of well aware of what I'm about. But I feel like that's a conversation I owe the person I'm with. That's cool. And I also have to be honest, like, and it has happened, man. When people find out they...

Some of them don't like it. Yeah, really? Yeah. Have you had like crazy reactions? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And a lot of them you think would be related to Ernie Hudson. Really? It's not very popular with those women. But it's funny because everyone's like, yes, this is amazing. Live your life. Oh, more men need to be open. And then we'll get in a relationship and they're like, listen here, queer.

It is my pussy for the rest of your life. Don't ever think about delicious penis ever again. Delicious cocks. And I get it. It's a lot. It's a lot. I'm a lot. I get it. I would feel so insecure if Tom was into dicks. I would. Yeah. Especially when you make babies with a dude because then you're like, oh my God, I have to worry about the whole population, not just other ladies. Yeah. Especially if you can just step out and suck a dick and then you get your fix. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Like, wait, so you have an... I'm sorry to, like, if this is too personal. No, I get it. You have an arrangement, like, so you, up front, you're like, hey, so I like to do this, like...

Once a month, I think. Well, I've kind of figured, I don't know, for me, like, and also I love femininity. So the trans women I date are very feminine and the women I date are very feminine. And the guys I go for are pretty feminine. Like, no offense, but Tom, not my type. Not your style? No. Thank God. Fuck yeah.

Maybe a couple guys in the booth, but... No, but I don't know. Like, I hate hair and everything. Like, I tried to get my dick sucked by this Italian guy with a beard in Arizona, and I couldn't get hard. And I was like, hey, man, it's not going to work. And he goes, it's okay, I understand. And then we fist bumped, and he just left the hotel room. Jesus Christ. Well, it's a... I know, but it's funny, like...

like how a dude reacts. You know what I mean? Like that's what's funny to me. Well, that's what's great about it. Because like some girl's not like cool. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, is it me? What? Oh my God. This is terrible. He's like, it's okay. He's like, I get it. This is a bit stubbly. Yeah. You know? That's so true. We'd be in a spiral. Oh, totally. I'm just not good enough. I'm too fat. I'm too ugly. Yeah. I'd be like, ding, ding, ding. Is it me? And you're like, yeah. Yeah, it's a little bit. Yeah. No, I don't know. Is this gay? Yeah.

Get out of here. What is this? This is an Indian military recruit, and they're... Whoa, I gotta move to India. Yeah, right? Just grabbing... I don't know. I think gay is, like, your intention. Yeah. Like, if I smack your dick as a joke, that's not gay. But if I, like, smack it as a way for me to, like, think about it later, that is gay. Right. This is supposed to be...

Are you, I guess, a viable recruit? For what? The in-spro dogers? I don't know. That looks like he's holding his cock. Yeah. Are they checking to see if they won't get erect when they see a woman and just start attacking? Is that what they're doing? Because it's kind of rough over there. Yeah, this is... I don't know. It doesn't look like balls where he's grabbing. It looks like...

Maybe. I don't know. Did that guy have to go to school for that? I've seen this video. I've seen this type of thing before. The guy just in a line. I bet you have. Yeah, it's fucking hot. Well, I like it when they're not wearing the underwear. Yeah. Yeah, why wear it? If you're going to just take a visual. Why be modest about that, right? I don't know, man. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. But again, like I've kind of reconciled with it in a way of like,

It's I'm the odd man out. So for me to like date you and then you get insecure and get mad at you that I would never do that. I'd be your worst nightmare. I totally understand, you know. But then you have to what? Just let them down easy because you're not changing. You are who you are. I have to tell them, you know, like the only thing we have is trust and you have to trust that I'm not going to step out on you for a guy or a trans woman, you know.

And unless you stop acting, right? You know, but I don't know. I mean, it's, it's, I think communication is like the most important thing with, with anything. And I don't know. It's fucking weird. I get it. I wish I, you know, I don't know. I wish I could make a goddamn decision, but I've never gone out and,

And like met up with a random guy at night and I'm feeling good. You know, like it's always like things... I'm never like on the phone with my mom. Like, I love you. I'm grateful for everything you've done. Gotta go. I gotta go suck a cock. It's always like I'm having a terrible day and I just need something to get outside myself, which is why I'm like, I don't even know if I am bisexual. Physically, I am. But I think I just...

like getting outside myself. Did we hear that? What? Annie's cap report might be true. It's your cap report. Maybe, I mean, so, but yeah, I mean, look, we'll discuss this at length, but it is interesting that you say that your relationships are primarily with women or trans women. So that's the emotional connection. And it sounds like your release is,

is with men. Right. So... Which by definition is bisexual. Is it bisexual? Yeah, but then I get fucking jokers being like, no, you're pansexual because bi doesn't include trans. And I'm like, well, fuck you. So now we're getting into a... The label thing is... That's the thing. That's what I hate about it. That's why I'm almost more like I've kind of evolved to like, yeah, fuck you and your label. I just do what I want. Yeah. And if you want to worry about the definition of it, well, then you're the...

Well, then it's like, yeah, why am I so invested in your sexuality and the labeling? I agree. I mean, look, I, I, I mean, I dressed up like Robert Smith. Yeah. Through high school. And I, would I be non-binary by today's standards? Maybe. Probably. You would have embraced that hard. Oh, I would have been my whole identity. I would have pissed off my parents.

my parents. I would have done it. It's a form of rebellion. I get it. It's cool. It's punk rock. It's goth. If you're a kid now and you're non-binary and you paint your nails, cool. All power to you. I love it. I'll support you. If I see anyone being outwardly bigoted, I'll fucking take up for you, whatever. But to then put that on other people and make it as if you're this oppressed whatever, it's like, well, maybe you are, but at the end of the day, you're kind of choosing to do this and the odds are you'll grow out of it.

world of it.

Yeah, you'll grow out of it. I think so too. Which is fine. Yeah. Which is totally fine. Part of life, man. Part of life. Part of life. The real question is what is gay? You know? So people say that my work is gay. This guy. This guy. And you know what? It's got labels. But people just love, just, oh, this is gay. This is straight. That person's femme. That person's mass. This is cis. This is trans. People think all these labels make them so unique when really they're all the same. They're just tools that the inorganic ones use to divide and control us. Yeah.

In reality, now this is not a bad thing, but in reality, you're actually gay if you don't do same-sex erotic platonic naked bonding.

because you're not going to have as high testosterone as the average dude in my classes who's doing this regularly. He's plumping up his balls through these ball cupping rituals and sniffing the taint and doing all these sorts of things that the Spartans did to plump up their balls and testosterone levels. If you're not getting that vitamin of naked, erotic, platonic bonding, it's going to make you gayer, right? If you don't do gay things that the Matrix calls gay, then you'll actually be gay.

Why? Because anything that the Matrix calls gay

it actually makes you straighter. It actually makes you want to eat pussy, right? That's what guys do. Like I'll, I'll have dudes sign up for one-on-one coaching sessions. Like two dudes will come on the zoom call and I will show them how to do like rump bonding where they put their buttholes together and then reach around and fondle each other's balls like the bonobos do. And then the feedback is like, fuck bro. After we both had sex with our respective girlfriends and it was the best sex of our fucking lives. He's trying to fuck the gay away. So,

See, Eni, what do you think? What do I think? I could feel your hesitation. You trying to hang like the bonobos, Eni? What do you say, huh? Are you going to stay gay and not do this? Or are you going to...

I guess I'm gay as shit, man. I can't do it. You're not going to do a ball cupping ritual? I can't be doing a ball cupping, man. That's so feminine. You don't want your balls to get plumper? I'm too gay. Pretty wild, right? If you have to explain all of that just to get someone to act the way you want them to, you're a manipulative fucking... Are you kidding me?

Like this guy doesn't have to go through that. He probably is a secret thing where he wants to like turn straight guys or something. That's what Tom, Tom. That's exactly what Tom said. Like, this is just an angle. Yeah. It's a way to get laid. Yes. It's like, yeah, I love this guy. I mean, he's, he's, he's hilarious. Um, but really that's great. But like he was here. I do the ball cupping. Yeah. Oh yeah. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's right. And you'd be like, I want to get some pussy right now. Yeah. Um,

But it's just like how every male, regardless of their sexual orientation, whatever their thing is that they do, it's always...

The end game of that is just to get laid. Yeah. Whatever they're into. You just want a nut. You know these guys who are like, they're straight, super feminists. If you're a girl and you get close to that guy, guess what? He's going to try to fuck you. The wolf in sheep's clothing. They're super manipulative. Yeah. And I just was like, you know, yeah, this guy, this shit just makes me laugh where he's just like.

Like, yeah, you're fucking gay if you don't hold your friend's balls. And it'll make you fuck your straight girlfriend better. Because then there's some guy who's like, will it? Yeah. If I call up my friend Todd and hold his dick, will I fuck Melissa better? I want this guy to meet up with Andrew Tate and his crew and just have them combine. And then realize that, you know what? We don't need women in the future. Wow.

Just a life with your bros. Just drinking cum. Drinking nuts. What's up with your Birkenstocks? Stop. You're going to shame me right now? Oh, is that like the female equivalent of this?

I was just on the road and I got home and I looked down and I was like, you're just going to out me like that. What is this? How are you going to do that? Never seen them on her before. Never seen them. First of all, listen, you're getting into Birkenstocks late in life. Yes. Wow. She's late in life. But first of all, I've always been opposed to it. Cause to me it's like the, the shoe of menopause. It's the shoe of shutting it down. It's the shoe of like, don't touch me anymore. I'm finished being a woman.

That being said, I want you to look at these burks. These are not the traditional ones where the floor of them gets all black and filthy. Oh. These are called the Arizona Big Buckle. Ew. What? What is this? This is what I came home to. I'd move out. I'm like, oh, I miss my fan. What is this?

But Matt, your honor. Okay. Can I tell you why I got these? Because I'm with the dudes, all little boys all the time. We have two small sons and I'm in the house and then I'm outside on the driveway. I'm by the pool. We're playing in the dirt and I need like a house shoe. Like, let me just say you can justify anything.

Certainly. We just talked about how I justify that I'm not fully gay. Is this the lesbian? I get it! Is this my inner lesbian coming out? Oh yeah, the next step is cutting your hair short and wearing a shirt like a bandana. You're almost there, mom. Embrace it!

Enjoy it. I think I'm a lesbian. This is it. Those are, I get it. Those are all purpose kick around shoes. Because like, I don't know, like in Hungarian, you call it papuch. Like you have your house shoe, your papuch, like your house slippers. Can you get that off the screen? Oh, I would never wear them without, first of all. What color did you get? This exact shoe. Now here's the deal, man. I promise to you, Tom, look at my eyes. I promise you won't, look at my eyes. Look.

Look. I promise I will never wear them out in public with you. I'll never wear them outside of the house. Get ready till you're running late. Get ready. Yep. You're in a rush. This is a house slipper. Look how nervous he's getting. He's biting his nails. They're better than Crocs. They're way better than Crocs. They're better than Crocs. Crocs are disgusting. People leaving the house in Crocs. Have some respect. Have some fucking respect. I agree. I like them. I'm team Christina. Christina.

Those are cool jeans, too. You should get those jeans. Those are terrible. I would never do this to you. These are just strictly around the house, Tom. All right. When I'm chasing the boys around. I'm so embarrassed. Why? I can't believe you just threw that. You just did that? Because I've railed against Birkenstocks for so many years. Really? Yeah. I've come out against them. We're both been very openly anti-Birk. Very anti-Birk. I don't think there's an article of clothing that I would never not wear. I just dress for comfort. I don't care about...

I just feel like that shoe says a lot. Like it's a statement. Oh, it does. My whole life, whenever I've seen a woman in Birks, I'm like. Smelly pussy. Ah, yes. You think of her box stanks. I think of the Appalachian Trail. Women shouldn't wear Birks. They should wear Birkos. Yes, exactly. That's my stance. That's a great actual position. You think hairy pits, full bush, patchouli. Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm not into it. Look, everyone has, look, I'm just saying this is personal preference. I'm just not into it. - You're allowed to have it? - Yeah. - Do you think this will lead to problems down the line? - We're gonna have a talk after this. - Wow. - What if you come home and you're so passionately missing your wife and you just see her and you'd kiss and you're going around and you're taking each other's clothes off as you go up the steps and then you get down to the Berks. Are you staying hard or you coming to my team? I don't wear Berks, Tommy.

The thought of cock will enter my mind for a moment. Here's one promise I will make too. Because when they arrived, I tried them on and I was wearing socks with them. You're German? And you liked it?

- It felt good. - It felt so good. It felt so relaxed. - I heard they're very comfortable. I've never worn a pair in my whole life. - But can I tell you, the fashion in me, the fashionista went, "I can't do this to myself. I can't do this to myself." - Embrace it. Do it to yourself. - I won't do this. And I feel like it's the last thing you, you know, you give up as a woman. I can't stop fighting the fight. - What is the difference between giving up and embracing? - This is a really fine point. Giving up and surrendering? - Accepting. - Wow.

mm-hmm just blew my mind dude yeah oh shit fuck man fuck dude i just cupped your balls mentally emotionally our assholes were just backed up into each other right then embrace maybe i am fighting my inner lesbian my inner like giving upness person because i still i bleach the hair i do filler but i do it all he's gonna roll into being a lesbian now

I'd have to eat pussy and I don't want to do that. Just start slow. Fingers in the air. Just start with one. Give it a little. Look, what would you rather do? Would you rather go down on a chick or spend the night with? This guy all day. What does he do? Like the puke. He can puke.

He didn't puke. He just farted and smelled his own. And then it made him gross. Yeah, this guy all day. I didn't eat a pussy. No way. Are you watching this? Yeah, I got it. Perfectly shaved. Smells... Tastes like spring water. Yeah, this guy. Do you like oysters? No. I don't, actually. Because I probably...

Kind of like pussy. You'd go with this. Yeah, because it's a mask. Wait, you would spend a night with this? Yeah. What? And he would Dutch oven you. And I like his, what's that behind him, that piece of furniture? I was thinking that, the armoire holding the china. It's a good piece. Yeah.

He farted. Look at his face. Almost threw up. And you're like, yeah, I'll blow with this. Babe, our five-year-old farted and I almost threw up last night. Yeah, me too. I'm so used to farts and burps. Look at it. I'm in the house of cocks. I'm always surrounded by male energy. It doesn't phase me anymore. This doesn't phase me. And you would rather this than a chick. Yeah. Because I know what comes out of vaginas. You guys don't see what comes out of us. I think we get the idea. You've no idea. Blood discharge. Yeast. Yeah.

Blah, blah, blah. Babies. Here's what I say. Yeah. Yeah, but you guys can sexualize it. I know too much. What do you think I got the mustache? It's a flavor saver. I keep my chick's underwear in my pocket. I'm a creep. Yeah, you're a creep. Creep. Yeah. Oof. No way, dude. No, dude. You're lying. Vagis are not...

You would... I do. My life is farts and dry heaves and look. Yeah, but you have a connection to the people that are farting. This is... You're just packing a bag, showing up in your Birkenstocks and be like, hey, we're having a sleepover and he's retching from farting. This is the green room of any comedy club. Ha ha ha!

What is the difference? This is 20 years. Yeah, that's true. This is no diff. You are very, very, you know, well-versed in this. Desensitized. Broken. True. Yeah. I didn't think of it like that. All right, it's time. Why don't you tell Ian what's about to happen? Ian, this is the best part of the day, the TikToks. Oh? Ian! Ian!

So you have a specialty. You're going to go on, hopefully, an emotional ride right now. Okay. I'm down. Cena's algorithm is not like yours. Uh-oh. I feature the outliers, the people that need representation. That's called a spin on reality. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. Here's the thing. You never know what you're going to get. Here we go. Hey, babe. What's going on? You're feeling unsafe at a dog groomer? Why?

How can these all say use this sound? It's not a sound. It's a goddamn speech. I know. Okay, so this started as a trend on TikTok where men...

strong sounding men would be like, okay, you use this audio women if you're alone in an Uber. And it's like, it fakes it that your boyfriend is waiting for you. So like anybody can, like if I'm alone in Uber, I can fake this audio. I'd be like, hey babe. And then the guy goes, hey babe, you on your way over? Yeah, I'm in the Uber right now. Okay, I'll see you soon. Thank you. So it just started as a way to keep women safe. This is a different type of gentleman. Yeah.

who's providing it sounds like a lot of feelings validation more so than protection what the happened at the dog groomer yeah you're feeling unsafe there when you're picking up your dog why you know how they get do they have bigger animals and that is kind

You're getting bullied there? Oh, that's what he's saying. He's like, you fucking idiot. This dog's not well-groomed at all.

Oh, okay. And he's like, that's okay. He's going to help you. I don't want to... I'd like to move on to the next one. Sure, he's got a bunch of other ones. Is that what you mean? I'd like to take the air gun from No Country for Old Men and just pop him in the back of the head. I mean, there's this guy. What? I don't know. This is not... And I've seen... You've highlighted him before. Oh, he's got multiple, multiple speeches to use. Are you feeling unsafe?

Are you feeling unsafe at the toy store? Are you feeling unsafe at the library? Okay. He's projecting. He feels unsafe at the dog groomer. He feels unsafe at the toy store. Do it again. Do the accent. Yeah. Can I hear one more time? Where is he from? Hey, babe. Is that Germanic? Are you feeling unsafe? Okay. So let's go back. Okay.

Let's go to the next one. I've been practicing. Whoa. What? That's pretty cool, huh? Oh, shit. Yeah, dude.

So for people just listening, a car backed out of a building and the firefighter, the Chicago Fire Department guy. He barely got away from that. Barely got out. Look at how close this is. That was cool. And then when it, look. The car almost. Is that backed out or just falls out? Was he in the car? What the hell happened? Also, I was like, oh, what third world? And then I see Chicago Fire. I know. I don't know how that happened.

- Yeah, was he on the car and then he leapt? - Yeah, how did he? - He may have been on the car and then he leapt onto the thing. - Do you know that his heart rate was fucking 220 when he got settled right here. He was like, "Oh fuck." - You're not sleeping for days after this. - No way, man. - That's a trauma. - That's a scene from a Jackie Chan movie. - It really does. - Yeah. - I'd love to have the story behind this. - So it is actually from a show. It's from Chicago Fire and they're filming us, Don. - Oh, fuck off.

All right. Still pretty cool. It was a cool stunt. I do like stunts. I had no way of exhibiting them, and I wanted to wear them and show them so that people that collect the jewelry... It's crazy that Ian could actually pull this off. I know! I thought of it, too! I was like, is this the Ghost of Christmas Future? Yes! I'd be fascinated by it. I wear it on very special occasions, and I thought today would be a very festive day to wear it.

I'm going to say that what you're wearing on your head is probably worth somewhere around $1,500 to $2,000. Really? Yes. Oh, he's so sweet. I love him. Yeah. He's so pleased with his jewelry collection. He's like, I just wanted to showcase them on the hat. I want to be sad and have him hug me and go, baby, it's going to be okay. And you get to wear my special hat today. Yeah. It's the best.

This is worth between $1,500 and $2,000. You got lots of money on your head. He said, really? Can you show him spinning around again? I know. That was the best reveal I've ever seen. I had no way of exhibiting them. And I wanted to wear them and show them. It's like Jambi from People's Playhouse. So the people that collect the jewelry would be fascinated by it. I wear it on very special occasions. And I thought today would be a very festive day to wear it.

I'm going to say that what you're wearing on your head is probably worth somewhere around $2,000. The eye of the camera. You saw it, right? Wow. He's so proud of it. He's like, that's what's up, bitch. Can you imagine this being like your friend or uncle and you see him normal and then one day he shows up in that and you're like, what special occasion is he bringing on his head? My friend Tilly's coming over. Babe, what's going on?

Are you feeling unsafe for Easter? Why? Oh, someone is being mean to you and calling you names? At Easter? I am so sorry, honey, that someone's calling your name and being rude to you. What are they doing? They're putting you down on Easter and it's a holiday and they're being rude?

Okay, thank you, Christina. That was really great. Thank you for finding that. Who's rude to you on Easter? Yeah, who's putting you down? You're wearing brown? It's the wrong color. What are they saying to you on Easter? You couldn't find your eggs. We hid them and you never thought to look under a pillow?

Are they saying that to you? Use this sound if you feel unsafe. Oh, thank you. I want him and the other guy to have a conversation together. Oh my God! And have the other guy comfort him. I really like your hat. Well, thank you. Are those Easter eggs on your head? It's not special. What the? This is what she's known for. I feel like this is performance art. It's a guy in a dryer. This is just the beginning of a stuck porn. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And he's playing, I guess, is that a cello? I live in New York City. I'm just jealous he has indoor, in-house laundry. You see guys like this in the city all the time. Yeah, I feel like this is a standard issue, yeah. And this is the sixth train, uptown. So Tom and I really loved our first dog, Feefo. Would you consider stuffing our dog, Tom? Holy shit. And putting him in the... No. No.

That's a legit dog. It's movable. No. Taxidermy. And you can shape it. I want that for me when I die. Me too. Wouldn't that be great? Can we keep you in our studio? Please. Yes. Hey, Ian. Yeah. I have a cigarette in my hand. Have you posed like that? That was really crazy. Isn't that wild? That's not okay. But I have to say, look how pliable it is. Yeah. I mean...

That's really tough for taxidermy. Is it plush or is it the original skin? I imagine the original skin. It's taxidermy, right? Does it still have its bones? I feel like it. I don't know. There's so many questions. But it's pretty cool, right?

I think I would do this. I think I love animals enough that I would want this. No, if this happens, I'm almost going to cry right now thinking about, A, my cat dying, and B, having him like this and not having him respond to me. You know? That's the darkest part. That's the thing. That's true. It's a mind fuck. Yeah. Because then you're like, why aren't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're like, get over here. You know, you have those moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just...

Well, just come sit on my chest. Yeah, and I love looking in my cat's eyes, and you get to peel the eyelids up. You know, glassy. Here we go. Yeah, that's true. Baby girl, are you at T-Mobile? What's going on? T-Mobile? Very specific. We need a palate cleanser from the dead dog. I am so sorry that I wouldn't be mean to you.

What are they trying to do? Dog groomer, T-Mobile, and Easter. Are they calling you names? This is actually the first believable spot you could need this. Right. That's ridiculous. Well, you need to let someone like a manager know and tell them, oh, he keeps flirting with you and calling you names. That's so ridiculous. I am so sorry that you're feeling unsafe at T-Mobile tonight.

Well, you need to go let the man admit no or call somebody, okay? This is like what you would tell a kid. Are people being mean to you at school? Well, you should go tell a teacher or a principal. Is this user submitted? Are people just throwing him places and things? Oh, him? I don't know what inspires his TikTok creations, Ian. That's a very good question. I imagine from real life scenarios, perhaps. I don't know. It's all really, those are very good questions. Maybe we can submit some to him. Yeah.

If you want. I think we're good. Are you feeling unsafe at the podcast studio? Are you feeling unsafe at your goddaughter's softball game? I feel very fulfilled already. Thank you, though. The trampoline park? The waiting room at your dentist? Poor fella. Poor fella. But at least he's got followers on the talk, you know? I'm sure that helps. As a New Yorker, have you seen the NYPD dance team? Not personally. Here they are. They're so good.

Is this why there's multiple men punching women because they're too busy dancing to catch the guy? These are cops, bro. No, they must be ladies auxiliary. These are real cops? Yeah. Oh. Okay. Uh-huh.

It's crazy when you compare this to like a real dance team. Yeah. I mean, people already thought the police were inept. Yeah. And now this. It does seem like a waste of time. Yeah. Right? Like the nurses doing dances during COVID. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we not? I don't need to see the dance routines. Yeah. Just...

Yeah, I don't. Okay. That's terrible. I mean, the Bronx is literally turned into Fallujah. And they're like, whatever, let's just dance it out.

This is supposed to help with the mental stress of being a police officer. That's why they do this. Oh, okay. The dancing helps them. Can you imagine an Irish alcoholic cop that just internalizes everything? He's just been on the force for 30 years, just seeing the most horrific forms of human behavior. And he's like, I'm not going to talk to a therapist or my wife. I just got to dance it out. Yeah.

when i dance i don't hit nobody yeah yeah yeah yeah would you rather me sock my wife or break it down on the dance floor and they're like you know it's great that you're in the dance company we're so happy this is like sixth grade drill team i remember this yeah and i couldn't do it back then either this is probably how i would dance honestly yeah like a comedian this looks like a bunch of comedians dancing yeah it's not good whatever gets them off their phone playing candy crush in the subway yeah i'm just sitting there yeah

Or you just walk by a car sometimes and you see the cop just... Oh, yeah. You startle them. They're like, Jesus Christ. Really? Well, a part of me is like, man, that...

like imagine being a door guy and you just sit in the same place and you can't use your phone like oh my god being a cop you're just sitting there in your car all day waiting for something to come in you got to do so i mean maybe they should be like reading protocol or like you know like learning learning how what the law is yeah yeah yeah wait a minute that's the law yeah yeah

Fuck, I didn't know any of this shit. They should have a candy crush for cops where like each level comes up with the thing you have to like learn, you know, or like relearn. Well, I'm surprised I know all those codes. In the state of New York, citizens do not have to identify themselves just because you're curious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yelling is not a good de-escalation tactic. That's pretty cool.

All right. We got to wrap up, but I want to say to you, first of all, thank you for coming. Thank you. This is great. You can watch wild, happy and free. It's out right now on YouTube. What else? Anything you want to plug any dates or anything coming up? Yeah. My podcast with Jordan Jensen, B and E and with Jordan every Wednesday on YouTube. Very fun. I did it at your place. That was so fun. And I, you took me to get the world's greatest fried chicken sandwich, chicken sandwich. Wow.

It's close, right? Yeah, we walked over there. Was it the world's greatest? Do you want to plug what it is or no? You don't want to blow up their spot. I don't want to blow up their spot. There's another restaurant in my neighborhood that you got to come to next. Because you said they're like, oh, there's another place. Is that the other place? Yeah. Yeah, we're actually having my special release party there. Dang. Really? That's cool. Yeah, they're opening up the restaurant. They're making a menu item called the Fy Dance. Wow. It's what I order every day and it comes with a black coffee and a cigarette. There was a couple weeks. Wow.

where I would wake up and I would think about that chicken sandwich. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah, it's so good. - I'm glad.

I don't have access to it. You know what I mean? Oh, it's bad news. Yeah. After the pandemic, I gained a lot of weight when they opened up again. Cause I was like, Oh, I gotta help this business. Yeah. Spin it like that. Shoving food at my bed. I see no one's buying the donuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also I'm on the road a ton, uh, punch up dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates. And, uh, yeah, man, thank you so much. This is such a blast. Thanks for coming. And congratulations on the special. Thanks. I'm so excited. Thank you guys. Awesome.

Bye, Mommy.

Yeah, of course I would do it. Christina, would you marry your son? Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Would you marry your son? Yeah, of course. I live for this condition.

Yeah. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Just like, just like a gaze. Would you marry your mom? No. Come on. I think I'd marry my dad. Christina. Yeah. Would you marry your mom? I don't know. No.

Yeah. Of course. For sure. Yes. Yeah. I really would. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays.