Skankfest Drama w/ Kim Congdon & Sara Weinshenk | Your Mom's House Ep. 731
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This week on Your Mom's House... We miss AIDS! We miss AIDS! We miss AIDS! It's the good old days when we all had something to fear. I think so, but I'm saying, like, I could definitely walk down the wrong alley on this one. Oops. I see what you mean. Have you guys messed around with trans people ever? Just bullying them online. Just kidding. Oh.

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Surprisingly... I saw this show when I was in Europe. You were watching it on the airplane. Not on the airplane. In Europe. At a hotel. And it just has people... It's a dating show. It's a fun premise. Which is, hey, you're single...

Here's criteria. You tell them things you're attracted to. And then people are behind these glass, you know, colored like cubed walls. And then they raise what you can see. So your first thing is you see their genitals. Yeah.

And then you start to go like, yeah, I like that. I don't like that. And it's not what you... People react differently to what they... Yeah, there's the... Naked Attraction. Is that what it's called? Naked Attraction. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, it's on Max right now, formerly known as HBO, which was then HBO Max, and now it's just Max. Okay. But anyway...

It exposes their genitals and then it exposes their midsection. And finally you see their face and then they get them to say a few words. And then these people pick a date based on that, which is, it's just fascinating. Like I've never not been into watching dating shows, hearing dating stories and stuff. And so you're kind of watching this unravel. But the big thing is that as you're watching it, it, it affects you differently than you, you think you're going to be like, ah, shit. I want to get horny. Yeah. It doesn't really happen. I don't know.

happen like that. It didn't make me horny as it made me sad. It does make you kind of sad. Because you're like, oh, it's so superficial when she's like, oh, I don't like her vagina lips. Those are too big. And you're like, yeah, but she can't do anything about that. Or I don't like his penis size. He's too large or too small. It's like, yeah, but he can't do anything about that. He can't do anything about that. And also like, I mean, even the guy was like, you know, he's like, well, I'm really gentle. And she would have, you know, if she would have met and you could see he's like a very like soft,

soft kind of meek personality. He was very sweet. But like, yeah, you're just, I don't know, I guess we all do this, right? You pick based on things that are superficial sometimes, but to see it this way is kind of fascinating. And I wonder, and every time I watch it, I think, would you and I have been matched?

First of all, I mean, not now. If I did this show at 47. They would raise it up and go. The whole UK would vomit in their tea and crumpets. Yeah. I mean, notice nobody's over 30 on that show for a reason. This would be everybody's face when they pulled up the thing on me. They'd go. God. They should do the middle-aged version and be like, well, he's not as soggy as I thought he'd be. This one's in decent shape.

But by the way, here's what I liked about the show. It makes you realize that pretty much everybody's body sucks. In some way. In some way. And like there's like one fit guy or one fit girl out of the five. But most of them are just normal like us. And surprisingly, sometimes the most fit people don't get chosen. Actually, don't get chosen. Every time I saw it, actually. My one critique is that I wanted it to be hornier.

I feel like it wasn't as horny as I hoped. And the one cool part is where the guy and the girl get matched and he's standing next to her. And I was like, uh-oh, what if these guys get boners?

He totally started to get hard. He started to get hard. That was the best part of the whole episode. That was pretty cool. That was the coolest part. So the girl gets to pick. And then the thing is at the very end when she's down to two people, I think, she gets naked. Or no, after she chooses or something, she gets naked, right? Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe it's the final two. Whoever's picking, they get naked at the end. And so now you're both naked. And they were really attracted to each other. You could tell it was going to be a match. Yeah.

And as he's checking her out and the host is like, what do you think of her? He's like, oh, man, she's gorgeous. She's beautiful. And then she's standing next to him naked. And then they show a wide shot and his dick totally started to go like.

it lifted up and you're like, this dude's getting a hard on. Yeah. And I could have, and that's the part I would have liked. That's actually how they should have done the show. They put the guy and the girl next to each other naked. And if the guy gets a boner, fantastic. Then like, that's half a match. That's a better, it's a better, and then he touches her meow. And if it's like ready to go, I mean, you're just talking about porn at this point. You realize that, right? Like you're like, you know, it would have been better if I just watched a porn.

But they go on a date after. Yeah. Nobody cares about that part. Yeah. And it's weird, too, how I really learned stuff like, you know, a lot of the girls shave their meows. And then we saw a girl had full meow. Yeah. Full coverage. I liked it. And I liked it. I was like, oh, I feel like it's nostalgic to see pubic hair. And they're saying how there's pheromones released in pubic hair that affect the...

So you're actually taking away your attractiveness to the partner. Your partner. You're my partner. So popular now. My gay man partner. To shave everything. And I think it feels weird to me. It feels childish when I shave all of it. Super bald pussies everywhere. I don't know. Grow your hair out a little bit. A little bit of hair. Yeah. But now I think I want to go full bush because I really liked how that chick looked. And she just trims up the sides. Yeah.

And it looked like cool, you know? Yeah, it did. It was symmetrical. She was cool. And they all, they looked like they went out for a while. They followed them up like a month later. They're still doing it. They've been banging and they've been eating stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Going on dates. The one good thing about seeing somebody naked before you date them is you can see exactly how mentally ill they might be dependent on their tattoos. Like one guy was an amputee. He was missing a leg from the knee down. And then he had

done like an elephant ear tattoo so that the elephant's trunk was the dick. And you're like, that guy's mentally ill. That's a problem. He landed on a drunken time out in Thailand. They got drunk and his friends walked him into a tattoo place. It's kind of weird. Then you're like, this guy's too much. It's too much for me. That is true that you could have picked that guy and then seen that and been like,

What the fuck, dude? That's disappointing. If the tattoos are really out there and too stupid. There's some cool ones too. The funny thing is it does flip your brain. One of the people on the show goes, well, now I can't wait to see this person with clothes. And you realize that once you see them with clothes, then you kind of actually judge them the way you do in society. You're like, this person dresses like shit. Yeah, they're crazy. You start to really put a judgment on them.

Yeah. Yeah, because that's how you are 90% of the time, right? And also, I didn't like a lot of people's cellulite and skin. Some of it bothered me. I think they should just show penises and boobs. That's it. And then meow. Just don't show me legs, because one guy was bow-legged. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want to see that shit. Just show me legs.

Very judgmental. Genitals and titties. Okay. What do you think? I mean, yeah. What if you had to choose a partner just on their genitals? That would be so funny. Just genitals. Just genitals. No. No. It's not good. We need more information. That just shows you, maybe that's the thing you learn from watching the show. Yeah. That this is not the way to pick someone. Just on their genitals. Yeah. Yeah, because interestingly enough, this is where society's moving because of like,

Swiping and stuff. All you see is the image. You don't connect it to a human being. It's not good for you. Gosh, it's not good for you. It's really not. All right, let's start the show. You ready? Yeah. I think you'll like this. Another reason why I want to leave Walmart is that I was supposed to have a break over an hour and a half ago. I asked my manager if I could take my break. My manager said, yep, we're going to get somebody to come cover your break.

15 minutes later, nobody. Went over the radio again. They said, yep, somebody will be there in a few minutes to come cover your break. Still nothing. And it's like, what the fuck? Another reason why I don't want to work here anymore. Yeah. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother to this. Don't bother me to fucking stand! Welcome, welcome. This really tickled you. Christine, it's me.

This is dumb. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Come on. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Stupid. Oh, I have an idea. Can I tell you? I'm sorry. Another reason why I don't want to work here anymore. Because of the break.

What's my break? He fucking was like, he's so upset. This is so passive aggressive. So mad. And he decided at work to be like, all right, let me tell you something. It's supposed to be break time. And I've been waiting. And I asked and they said someone's coming. It's like, what the fuck? Where is my break?

Well, yeah. I mean, when you're a worker like this, all you have is your fucking break. That's some person's, that's the mountaintop of the day. Dude, every crappy job I've had. Because you want to smoke your cig. I don't know what this guy does. Maybe he eats his candy that he steals. He's got butterscotch candies in his pockets that he eats. They just pay him in Monopoly money. He doesn't even know. Do you know that there's a pharmacy here?

in texas and austin that exclusively hires tiktoks did not know that oh it's the best i'm not gonna say the name of the company did you ever talk to your zimzer and ask but it rhymes with mandels yeah i never talked to the zimzer because the zimzer was let go apparently doesn't work there i don't know what happened between apparently they don't work there they don't work there

But it was, that was quite a fiasco. So this place hires exclusively TikToks and Zimzers. It's the fucking best, dude. Yeah. You know who else does that? Huh? Every coffee place. In Texas? No, in America. It is the most. I told you.

it's lgbtq plus biz like business that i've been every coffee shop you go to you walk up and you're like i don't know what the fuck i'm looking at right now can i get a cappuccino that's like yeah the standard for a coffee place you fucking non-binary yeah yeah cat ears and the whiskers and what are you doing a guy with tits and you're like what's up what's up there can i get a latte

Look, and all I care about really is a sense of urgency. If you're the barista, give me that shit and give it to me now. You know what I noticed too? A lot of those, a lot of the baristas and coffee shop workers that have done a poor job of transitioning, they have a shittier toot overall. It's like when they're just like, I look like a fucking basset hound. Right. And,

You know, you walk up and they're like, yeah, can I help you? So true. Name for the order. And you're like, how about a little sunshine? You're not exactly welcoming right now. But like a pretty person that they're like happier because they're like the ugly person that's they just know that it's never going to work. So I think that. Do you think they know? Because here's the thing, Tom. Yeah. Because we've seen some bad people.

bad transition jobs and you're like do you think they know they don't look good or are they still carrying the hope I think they might still be carrying because they're like I feel more comfortable in my body here's the thing it's both it's both you know but you still have hope you know what I mean you know but you have hope

It's so hard. Yeah. But also there's such an attitude with the ones that are really putting it out there. Like, for instance, there is one particular employee. Yeah. We're not going to go into too many details, but they do dress up in costumey attire for their coffee shop, coffee house job.

Which is like, you're really asking for attention and getting upset when somebody gives it to you. Yeah. Yeah. Like shut the fuck up. I fucked up at that place one time. You did? Yeah. But I mean, I wasn't doing it. I just, it was, um, you have just habits the way you like, uh, greet people and stuff. And I just walked in. I was like, what's up, man? Oh yeah. You know, like it was, it wasn't like, yeah. And they were like, yeah. So, so I, I was interacting with a couple of Zimzers too. Yeah. And, uh,

Yeah, I saw them every day for a while. And I never asked. I didn't know how to ask the pronouns. And every day I'd be like, how you guys doing? I'm like, oh, no. I'm so presumptuous. They're very sweet. Fair, though. The weird part is I'd walk in and they would be talking about Melissa Etheridge. Yeah. And I was like, well, if this isn't some stereotypical shit. Yeah, yeah. I walk in on you two zimzers. One of the gayest conversations you could have. Fucking weird, right? I mean, like, I'll tell you who's...

unbelievably well done at the transition is this lady here. This girl is every bit of a woman and then some.

Think of her as that happy meal with the extra special toy that you have to play with. Your eyeline's a little off, but I like your message. Yeah, it's made by Oh My Jesus. Oh, Oh My Jesus crushes. But can I tell you though, seriously, I mean, it's so funny when I saw this online, but that is a trans, that is a transgendered.

Yeah. Like this woman is incredibly believable. Right. Look at her. Some dudes do really well as women. Really well. Now, the other way around, it's a little harder. No, I think so. But I'm saying like I could definitely walk down the wrong alley on this one. Oops. I mean, she looks perfect. She looks like a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

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hold on what trans naked dating show yeah that's awesome that would be fun to watch okay here's what i want next from the uk middle-aged soggy bodies dating show where it's like dirt bags like us that are newly divorced and just desperate and sad

Or the trans dating show. That would be so fucking cool. And you're like, dude, I don't know what I'm looking at, but I think I like it. And then they reveal the face and you're like horrified. I would love to see the mental break of like a real right wing dude who's like, who's this gorgeous woman? You know, like shit. And then falls in love. He's like, just totally like, I've never met anybody like this. Yep. And then they're like, you know, shit.

she wasn't always like whoa she used to have dark hair and they're like no dark hair a little different and then like his brain cracks but he's like fuck it yeah that would be the show that's what happened to you here because I remember you were like I don't know how I feel about her and then you went back to Vegas and you guys spent a weekend together and now look at you two yeah

No, she's rad. No, she looks great. Yeah. I'm very jealous of trans boobies and vagines. They're so much better than mine. Yeah. I wish I could get a new trans vagina. Wouldn't you love that if I got just a whole new rebuild down there? I mean, two kids busted out. They do surgery down there for post. But I want a full...

full redo okay we can send you somewhere where you want no mileage i want one with zero mileage artisanal hey you don't have to sell me on it we'll have to scoop out my existing whatever they have to do who cares mushy play-doh and then let's make some calls they definitely offer what you're saying right now so let's i don't know why we're even fucking around

I'm sold. Yes. Yes, please. Yes, please. Transvagines. Oh, yeah. Labioplasty. Yeah. Yeah. Rejuves. They reshape your labia or the lips of your vag. Yeah, sure. Vaginoplasty. Vaginal tightens or repairs. How? So there was this procedure in L.A. where they put like a wand, a dildo wand in there and it makes collagen grow. And I was like, this sounds a lot.

I don't know. I mean, I think you should stop looking for the nose and just kind of say yes. The vaginal vault. Jesus Christ. Okay. I just want to be trans. Can they rebuild all of it though? Like tits to body muscle tone, musculature. Cause here's the, here's why trans women look so good. They got that petite male musculature. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They got like, what do you guys call him? The dick guy.

The dick muscles there, the, you guys always say that the. The dick root. The dick root. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like it kind of looks like a super fit woman. Right. And if you're a trans, you're a guy that's become a woman, like you're already fucking fit. Right. And then you put these cool lady parts on them and now you're just like a 10 bro. Yeah. And we're all fucking jacking off to that. Yeah. I like it. Nothing a man should fear more than a woman who's comfortable being alone. You are now competing with me.

You're not competing with other guys. I am good being alone. I am fine. So you have to be better than me. You have to make it so that I want to be with you instead of being with me. How are you going to do that? I know. I felt so many feelings. Yeah. I think she's got a hard shell up. That's all I see is just somebody who's posturing. It doesn't seem like it's actually genuine.

I know. I felt she does this to protect herself. This whole thing is, is a protective mechanism to not get hurt. For sure. So you just say, I'm great alone. Okay. Cause she's been really hurt by somebody or maybe multiple people. No. And here's the thing. Like I, we don't know this woman. It does look like she's been hurt and like totally my heart goes out to her. But I think what's really the new speak of single women is a lot of this. Like I'll

I'm far better by myself. I don't need a man to do anything. Why did her accent change? Because that's how these chicks talk. Do your sister's voice. That's totally on the job. She did have Vogel Fry. She's like, I'm fine being by myself. And so you're competing with me. Like she has Fry, but she was like, I'm far better by myself. She wasn't like that.

I love that. I love it. Yeah. Or like those, you know, there's these ceremonies now where women are marrying themselves and like this whole, I don't need a man. It's fucking not. Here's the thing. It's not even about needing a man. People, people,

need companionship. Women, I know. We need trans vaginas. People need to be with other people. Of course. We know that. No, no, I'm just making the point. I'm saying, like, that's something that is true no matter, even if you're like, I'm good and I... You need to be with other people. Like, you can be somebody who's not...

very sexual that's that's that's falls under the normal spectrum you don't have to be somebody who's like but you need to be around other people and with like the whole idea that like I love just being with me and nobody else that's really not true it's a little juvenile yeah it is but again it's just to protect herself that's why she's saying yeah

But that is the popular thing of like, I can buy my own shit. I don't need nobody to do shit for me. It's like, okay, well, enjoy being alone if you don't feel like you need anybody in the world. Yeah. I also think men, the good ones out there, enjoy providing and taking care, right? I mean, or like...

Being masculine and being needed is cool. Basically, I was trying to think of if you and I met way back in a million years ago when I was 23 and I was saying this shit to you, do you think you could even...

get past that i might have been able to see that's the thing is um you did do a kind of a version of this and i think i could see that it was like i was a little more hostile yeah you were kind of hostile like i'm never getting married yeah yeah but i'm saying i could see i was like oh that's just something she's saying because she's a damaged bird yeah broken broken wings yeah she's just a kick someone's been kicking the shit out of this dog on the streets you know yeah

Yeah. But I mean, you're lucky that I was able to detect that, you know? Yeah, maybe. Not maybe. You were. Maybe. No, no. You were. Perhaps, they say. Yeah, you're very, very. Possibly. Very lucky. Yeah. But I was also cute. Well, that's why you were lucky. I was 20-something. My vag looked like it fucking should be on that game show.

Yeah. That was way cute. As a female comic, I mean, come on. There was like none of us. Yeah, there's some real fucking dogs out there. Dog, Basset Hound City. Well, can I please bring up something very quickly? Yeah. I saw Depeche Mode. Yeah. And they're so good. Mm-hmm. Dave Gaughan is like 61 years old. Mm-hmm. And this fool, he moves like he does yoga every day. You can see him doing his yoga moves. Like, doesn't it blow your mind when somebody's 61? Putting on shows like that, yeah. And you're like, how the fuck? Yeah.

I was talking to a friend and they said that Mick Jagger and the Stones, they do full rehearsals, full rehearsals before the show. Just that every intense, hard one so that everything is perfect. And I'm like, that's what Depeche Mode is doing. Yeah, it is. It was unreal, Tommy. Yeah. Mick does like crazy workouts still. Wow. How old is he? By the way, they're releasing a new album.

And the single Angry, it slaps. I want to see them. And then you go, oh, this album was written by my mom and my Aunt Blanca. Imagine if they were like, we got a new song that we wrote. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. They're 80. That's right. They're 80. And these guys are putting out bangers. Yeah, and your mom lives a vastly different life. Than Mick Jagger? No. Yeah. That is crazy. Look at these fuckers. Yeah. They're partying. They're still living their best lives.

at them. I would love to see this show. I know this is going to be one of the last opportunities, but I would love to see the show. Will you look up Depeche Mode?

I mean, look, they're all alive. So it's a Peshmo. They unfortunately lost Andrew. So now it's just Martin Gore and those two guys. Yeah. They look great. They look fucking amazing. And like Dave had problems with the hair on and drugs. He like three heart attacks in like a month, like crazy stuff. Look at these. These rock stars are their different genetic breed. Yeah.

Fucking amazing. Now, comedians, we stay alive mentally for a minute, right? Milton Berle, Don Rickles. We can stay alive. You can stay alive. You can't throw in the towel. That's the whole thing. Anyway, I came to the conclusion, you ever see a band that moves you so much and you're like, oh my God, dude. Depeche Mode, they're my genitals. They get me. They brick me up. I get bricked up when I watch Depeche Mode. I watch Dave Gahan.

spread his ass cheeks and do things and I'm like, I'm fucking, I'm hard. So I came to the conclusion that Depeche Mode is my vagina. The cure is my blood and my soul is Bauhaus. I don't fucking know you at all. You don't feel this way about bands? No. You don't feel this way about your music? You don't even know. You're made of Teflon. No. You got no soul.

I'm so moved by this show. I was so moved. You ever see a performance that's so transcendent and you're like, oh my God, maybe I was drunk. Your review is upsetting is what I would say. That's how much I'm not enjoying your review. I'm actually upset by it. Listen, you and I go watch Depeche Mode and if you're not bricked up watching Dave Gaughan move his little ass on the stage, you're not alive. All right, cool. You don't weep when Martin Gore sings his solos. Come on.

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A plus-size influencer who previously demanded airlines comp larger passengers for extra seats is now asking hotels around the world to make a number of changes to better accommodate overweight guests, including by making the hallways wider. That's an easy fix. In a video posted to her TikTok last month, Jalyn Chaney listed several ways hotels can create size-inclusive amenities.

- I love it already. - I'm on a mission to revolutionize the travel industry and make it a more accessible, accepting, accommodating place for all. The needs of plus size travelers matter just as much as anybody else. And today I'm gonna cover what we are looking for in accessible, size inclusive hotel amenities. Size inclusive hotel amenities are crucial for ensuring that plus size travelers feel welcomed, accommodated, and comfortable during their stay. We deserve an environment that respects our needs and body diversity. These are the exact steps that hotels can take to be more size inclusive and accessible for travelers of all sizes.

Number one on the list, provide sturdy, wider chairs without armrests. In guest rooms, lobbies, and common areas to accommodate different body sizes and types. Number two on the list, ensure beds with strong support and a higher weight capacity.

Number five. Number six.

- Number six. - Number seven. - Seven. - Oh.

Number nine, hotels should provide size-inclusive bathrooms. These should go up to a size 6X and beyond. And hotels should also provide bath sheets or plus-size friendly towels so that travelers of all sizes and abilities can use them comfortably. And last but not least, this is an important one. Display clear and accurate information on these amenities on hotel websites. Include weight limits, seat dimensions, and things like that. And include information on the size-inclusive amenities available. This will help plus-size travelers make informed decisions.

That's a lot. I think they do have things like this. They're called handicapped rooms where things are lower. Yeah. And they have, they have safety bars is a big thing for, uh, handicapped. Yeah. Well, here's the thing, right? Watch this by the way. Okay. So watch this bullshit. Well, let's see the hotels.

implement these changes and make like fatso rooms. Yeah. Just, Hey, are you fat? We made special rooms for you. And then watch these fatso's get upset and cry that they're being discriminated against because now they're making me stay in the fatso room. Right? No, I don't think that would be, I mean, they'd be like, are you charging me more to be in the fatso room? Yeah. It costs us more to make everything wider. I mean, yeah, but she's also, she's basically asking for hotels to,

to remodel the building and, and the like interiors. Yeah. It's like, it's a real crazy ask. I mean, it's too much like every, you know, there need to be more seats. Hallways need to be bigger. Elevators need to be bigger. You know, buy all new furniture. How come this furniture can't hold 600 pounds? It's like,

It's just really the level of delusion. Also, this person feels like they're not just delusional about themselves, but that they're making an impact. Like, oh, what do I do? I'm an activist. I'm out there, you know, lobbying for the plus-size community. You're wasting your time. Just go exercise. Put the fucking phone down and go walk. And also, like, just, okay, how about this? How about hotels just do fat rooms? Like I said, like a fat suite. Yeah. And you have to pay a little extra because it costs them a fortune to make steel-reinforced beds.

and toilets with extra reinforcements. It's crazy. So you pay for that. That's all you need to do. Instead of like making buildings change their structure. Entire. Yeah. So, so, so. You gotta be fucking retarded as fuck to live.

So all these historical hotels need to remodel a total remodel for you to go there. It's, it's lunacy. Why don't they, they should just, here's what they should do. Remember we said we should do fat airlines. Yeah. So then do your fat airline and then fat heavy people hotels where everything is exactly as she wants and she can pay the premium to go stay there. I mean, yeah, I don't, I think we shouldn't accommodate at all at all. I think, you know,

If you can't, if buildings are a problem, like we're not talking about a plane or a building. This building isn't big enough. It's, you know. Hey!

You need to like really check yourself, you know? Could you imagine any other country, maybe Canada would listen to this insanity and be like, yeah, we need to do something. Canada is gay and retarded now. Oh my gosh. I love my motherland, but they are really overboard. They're out of their fucking minds now. Now they're, they're starting a,

podcasters are supposed to sign up to be like governed by uh the the the the government now has to have you register your podcast with them so that the same rules they impose on other communication mediums could be imposed on podcasts it's fucking crazy it is crazy it's very scary i don't like it that's so gay that's so good yeah it's the beginning of then yeah

No good censorship. No good. Fucking crazy, Canada. Yeah. Well, they're going to do this. They're going to make fat rooms. All right. Fat hotels. Yeah, I could see them doing that. For sure. They're like, oh, they need to have their own space, eh? No. They ought to feel included, eh? It's fucking crazy. Did you even like my accent? Diabetes. That's what your fucking problem is. You're delusional and you have diabetes. Diabetes. Yeah.

Hey, so you're fat. That's cool. Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. Okay, bye. Oh, snap. They're letting Blondie do the intro today. That's how important these two are to me. I'm so pumped, you guys, to introduce Sarah Weinshank and Kim Condon of This Bitch Podcast. Whoa. Hi.

Thank you for coming. We're here. Fresh from Las Vegas. You guys literally flew from Skank Fest here. I wouldn't say fresh, but yeah, we were there last night. How many days? How many days in Vegas? We were there from Thursday morning until last night.

It's Monday. Oh, wow. Yeah. But it's like dog years. Like one day is seven years. No, it is. It is. Any trip to Vegas is like that. But especially if it's like there's a festival and there's friends and there's booze and there's acid. Listen, Tom and I are boring married parents. Tell us all the drugs, all the hookups. All the fun stories. All the fun stories. God, well, shit got fucking crazy. Beyond. Look at me.

Beyond. Sweetie. Shit got crazy. Buckle up, Timmy. Things got wild. Joe DeRosa became gay. He became gay? He's been gay, but publicly became gay. Well, he's saying he's not gay. I don't know what the story was. He got blown and jerked off a trans woman.

- Wow! - Backstage. I guess it was supposed to be a bit. - This is perfect for this episode, yeah. A bit? - You know how every gay man starts is with a bit. But he went backstage, they were supposed to see if a trans woman could get him hard. - Okay. - And he didn't wanna do it in front of people.

Then they went backstage and then he came back and he was like, I came. I came. See, this is the game show that I want to do. That lasted a few seconds too long. But Tom, this is the game show I want to do. Yeah, I understand. Like, can a trans person make you hard and cum? Yeah. That's so good. What network are you going to spend your time? The UK. The whole fucking country? BBC wants to do it. BBC is a whole different. Yeah.

So Joe DeRosa is now gay. That's breaking news. Yeah. And then the whole time he kept being like, I'm not gay. Like, she's a trans woman. He got like woke about it. Well, if she looks like this, then she is a woman. I mean, she's trans, but you know. She did not. Nothing close, right? I'll say it again. DeRosa's gay. Yeah, yeah.

I like when people are like, it's not gay, it's a trans woman. I'm like, it's kind of gay. It's like if gay was gay. Yeah, yeah. It's like if you were gay and you were like, let's be freakier about this. Yeah, yeah. It's like,

It's like horny gay. Maybe I think you know what it is? It's an introduction for a dude who doesn't know he's gay, that he's gay in a palatable way. So he's like, oh, this is like an easier way to digest the fact that I'm gay. It's the appetizer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. Yeah, I feel like it works the other way too. Which way? Like if a woman had a dick, that would be less scary for me than if she had a vagina. Have you guys messed around with trans people?

people ever like just bullying them online just kidding so okay just like troll every now and then kill yourself so i'm kidding so there's the there's the de rosa story you were teasing us before that you had other ones what are the other ones

Sarah doesn't want me to sell this on air. Well, first of all, we also need to tell them about the skanky food menu. Yes. What's the skanky food menu? She's trying to avoid her story. I get it. That's a good tactic. First of all, let's talk about how good the food was in Vegas. This is I want to talk about Hawaii. She's trying to go back. Just tell us the story. No, no, wait. Hold on.

So the chicken fingers at the Nugget are delicious. This Genki food menu was funny. They had this food menu and you had to... I mean, you're on acid. You're an artist. You're seriously trying to take yourself seriously. You're like, I'm at a festival. I'm getting paid for it. This is a real... The whole thing of comedy is the whole time I'm like, please guys, it's for real. I feel like I'm convincing people to take me seriously. And then they put up this food menu and it's like you have to go up to these people as an artist and be like, I'll take a finger blaster. I just...

A chicken finger blaster. It was a chicken finger blaster. A skanky double with cheese. Yeah. Napoleon's pocket tots. Ugh.

And a warm pretzel. That was the menu. You could go up to a counter and ask for this. You had to. That's the only way you could get food was embarrass yourself. That's amazing. A stinky double with cheese. How much fun though when you're high on acid to order these things? I mean, I wasn't on acid. She wasn't on acid. We did a bit with the menu. For a while. For too long. Like just standing in front of it saying the things and laughing on drugs. And we were like...

That's fun. Then we hit the strip club. Now the stripper. You got to do it, Sarah. Okay, so we, what night was this? This was Friday night. We have a long fucking night. This was Friday night. As you guys can see, I haven't brushed my hair or like done anything. It means you had a good time. Yeah, this is good. My jacket smells like cum. Ew. It's not mine. It was from when I crowd surfed. I'm sure someone came after me. That's also,

That's also not her jacket. So the fact she just said it smells like cum. That's so rude. I'm kidding to whoever let me rent this jacket for this podcast. But

But we go to the strip club. What were we doing before the strip club that we got so fucked up? What weren't we doing is really the question. I was like drinking wine. I was acting like I was like a rich woman on a yacht. I love it. But I was like a crazy bitch at Skank. I love it. So we get on this party bus. It's 2.30 in the morning. They like get a bus for us. 2.30? They have a, are they called little people? Mijes. Yeah. French. Mijes. We have a mije. Yeah.

In a hippopotamus suit waiting for us at a party bus. So we're like, this is going to get crazy. I get onto this party bus and it's like, just like comedians, like sardines, like mentally ill to the max. Like...

I ran into this girl, Teffy, who is like this pop culture, like incredible red carpet, like influencer girl. She's incredible. And she was on the bus with her friends and they weren't comedians and they were like this. And you could see in finals like, ah, like sucking off Jordan Jensen, pretending she has a dick. Yeah.

Sarah's like upside down, like smoking a joint. It was like an SNL sketch. And so already then we get in and in Jamar's defense, my friend Taffy is sitting with her friend who's this really beautiful black woman. And in Jamar's defense... Jamar neighbors. Jamar neighbors. Very funny. Love Jamar. Extremely autistic. Yes.

He was on Where My Mom's At. He's the best. He brought a canvas on. He goes, I'm going to draw in case I get bored during this podcast. I'm like, thank you. Thank you so much, Simone. A 30-minute podcast. So that's who he is. He'll say things like that without being like... So in his defense, the day before, they did bring strippers from the club to promote at the shows. And one of the girls...

and the girl in the car did look alike. One of the strippers and the black girl in the car. They did. They just did. Because it was a first thought when I got in. I was like, is that the girl from last night? She's just different. But I didn't say it because you don't. You don't. You just don't. You only do that with white people. Hey, aren't you Bob? Right, right, right. It's so true. Yeah, you don't want to be that guy. So Jamar goes, aren't you a stripper?

But it's Jamar saying this to this black woman. The only two normal people in the party bus. Meaning not comics. And Sarah, we're all fucked up. I'm kind of sitting on Sarah's lap. Sarah's kind of on Jamar's lap. We're squashed in sardines. So it looks like Sarah and Jamar are together. It kind of looks like a weird orgy with all the comics at this point while sitting on each other's laps. So Sarah's sitting with Jamar and it looks like they're kind of together. So when she says that,

she's immediately offended. She's like, no, I'm not a fucking stripper. Why would you say that? And Jamar's like, well, you're dressed like one.

Then I'm sitting on his lap like the asshole. Yeah, so it looks like Jamar and his girl. So then she's already pissed the whole ride. I don't hear this. I don't know if this happens. We get to the strip club, hanging out. This girl's going off about Jamar. She's like, he called me a stripper. Fuck that dude. And then I was like, he's a really nice guy. You guys don't know. He's one of the best guys ever. We look over and he is...

grabbing money from the strippers and chucking it back at them and then pocketing a dollar so he could pretend he's pulling it out. And I was like, I like the comedians are on their worst behavior. I felt like an embarrassed mother because I kept being like, they're fine. And I'd look over and they're like injecting black tar heroin. And then Sarah, this is where she gets real. Okay. Who's on a lot of mushrooms. Sure.

and is so fucked up. You're drunk and all mushrooms and you're so fucked up. She has like stacks of dollars in her hand and she keeps dropping them, but it looks like she's stealing because she keeps dropping her own money and then collecting it. So I can't be like, hold your money. Like this looks bad. I'm dropping my money in this coat.

I leave her alone for two seconds. By the way, when you went to the ATM to get your money out was one of the most insane things I'd ever seen. She took so long to get money out of the ATM. It was like 25 minutes. She didn't have to come with me. There was a lot. You asked me to, you asked me to come with you. And then you sat there and gave me anxiety the whole time. There was a line of 17 strippers behind us trying to entertain men longer while we waited for Sarah to figure out her pin. Oh,

You really couldn't remember it? I remembered it, but putting it in was another story. She'd do the thing where she'd put it in and then she'd choose never mind and then she'd put it in again. And then she'd choose never mind again. She did it like six times where I was like, get it out. I was screaming at her and then I'd look behind me and there'd be a stripper trying her hardest to keep this man distracted before he didn't want to be at the ATM again. And she was like, I really like your... So then I leave you alone.

I come back and that black chick is fucking pissed. Oh, still? Yes. Wait, wait. Can I tell you first, though? Yes. All of her friends keep coming up to me and they're like, we just want you to know that that guy that you're with, your boyfriend, he's a piece of shit.

And I was like... What? And I go... Jamar. Yeah, that's crazy. And I go, I'm not responsible for anyone's actions but my own. So if you have a problem with him, then you can go talk to him. But also, he's not my boyfriend. And by saying it, I mean she cried it on mushrooms. I cried it. Because they're...

Everyone was mad at me. That's like worst case scenario. It's such a diplomatic answer to someone being like, hey, you're like, I am responsible for me and me only. Yeah. I said that about both of you, actually, when this next thing happened. I was like, I'm not going to reparent comedians. Yeah. Blame their parents. I'm fucked up, too. Don't blame Steve and Debbie. Leave them out of it. This was 100% my fault. Mom, it's all your fault. I'm 36.

The way I behaved at the strip club was unacceptable. Okay. So then I come back in this black chick's piss and I go, what happened? And my friend Tuffy goes, Sarah touched her hair.

Yeah, add the dun-dun-dun. What did you do on these? You never touch a black woman's hair. She did one of these on mushrooms. I could see you doing it friendly. She did one of these. A scrub and rub is what I call it. She scrubbed and rubbed. I'm so sorry. She scrubbed and rubbed her hair. I'm so sorry. The girl who got called a stripper by her boyfriend...

She goes over. Not only does she do that, she's so blackout. She rubs her hair. The girl's sitting there like pissed off. And then I see the second part. Then Sarah goes and grabs their champagne bottle, pours herself a glass, blackout drunk.

She leaves her $200 on the table like I've been telling her not to do all night. And then she grabs it and they think that she took the $200. And she walks away and hands half of her own money to Jamar. So it looks like she... Jamar called this girl stripper. Sarah went into the ATM line, pissed off all the other strippers, went back, rubbed her hair, poured some champagne, took their cash, and then gave the rest to Jamar. And then cried. Proceeded to cry. And then cried the rest of the night at the strip club until they sent her home. And then I went to the deli. I was like...

fuck this I'm going to the deli a BLT is the only thing that can save me and then I cried into the BLT in some lot but then I woke up I kept getting calls from Sarah all night being like it's not fair to me I could hear the fucking food in her mouth

Well, so what possessed you to reach out and do the move? I was like, I'm really, really sorry. You just want to comfort. Yeah. And I was trying to connect. I'm going to cry again. I can feel it. I felt really bad. Like, what kind of hairstyle was it? Yeah. Yeah. Black. Well, yeah. But I mean, like, it was just like, it doesn't matter. Long, straight, long, long and straight. And you went and you just touched her hair.

I apologize. Show us on Kim what you did. Yeah, show us how you did it. Yeah, let's see. I was like, I'm so sorry. Really? Like that. And then she was... She gave it a little... You gave it a squidge. I don't think I squeezed it like it was a titty. I think you gave it a little... A little comfort scratch. Yeah. You know, you go to comfort scratch someone and... See, and Sarah, can I just tell you... Sorry. I'm not leaving the house anymore. I'm so, like, I have so much sympathy for you because I've... Oh, my God.

Sorry, it's the black girl calling. Sorry, I got taped. I'm just kidding. That's my mom. Oh, no. So I have to tell you that, like, I've known it when people have hated me. Like, you know, sometimes just in public, they fucking hate you. Oh, I have a perfect story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is my, if I were drunk or high, I would have cried. I was at the comedy store. Just so you know, just so you feel better about yourself. I was at the comedy store in the OR. I'm getting ready to go up.

And I've been doing this for years where whoever's standing next to me, whoever the fuck it is, what man, woman, dog, cat, fatso, weirdo, whatever. I just kind of touch them and I go, hi, how are you doing? Yeah, I did that too. How are you feeling? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I did it in the OR last time I was in LA.

And I go, hi, how are you doing? How are you feeling? And he goes, don't touch me. Who is this? A comedian? No, just like a person, a customer. And he goes, don't touch me. And I thought he's joking. And then he goes, no, really stop touching me. And I was like, oh my God. And I felt so bad. Like how, what you're talking about where I was like, did I just like, I'm a pervert and I violated somebody's boundaries. And that's never happened before. No, I totally did. Fucking dick. Same.

But here's the thing. You both did, except the difference is she assaulted a black woman. So it's basically a hate crime. Yeah. They're a hate crime at the club. Yeah. But I felt bad about it for weeks. I know. Yeah. That's horrible. Because you're like, especially now in the culture of consent and like, I'm going to fucking taint anybody. And I've been doing it for 20 years, especially if it's a boy. If it's a guy, you can be like, what's up, dude?

They're usually kind of a pussy. Let's be honest. Or autistic. An autistic pussy. Yeah, an autistic pussy. The worst kind. But anyway, I know. I've done so many dumb things. Yeah, it was dumb. No, but that was okay. I keep my hands to myself now when I go to the strip clubs. Hands in my pockets or they're behind my back like I'm in a nice gift shop. You know how hard it was to apologize for my friends while getting a lap dance? I was like, sorry. They're out of control. I don't know.

I did that once. I didn't do the same thing, but I thought I was being playful. I was on the show at Melrose, and this was more than 10 years ago, and Pablo Francisco was standing on the stair above me, so he was now higher, and he leaned on my shoulder, which was like...

Actually, when this happened, you're like, actually, it's cool that he's doing that. And I thought I was being jokey. I go, a little familiar, right? Like you're getting a little... But I thought I'm saying it like, yeah. And you're like, oh, shut the fuck up. And he was like, I'm so sorry. And then proceeded to not talk. And then I was like, no, no, I meant that joking. Yeah, yeah. And once you're down that path, you're like, I fucked up. Yeah, a lot of people...

I feel like I do that to people. Right? And you're like, I'm joking. I'm like mean, but then I don't smile or laugh, but I'm 100% kidding. But that's why it's funny. Yeah. No, but sometimes she's just mean. No, I'm not. She's just cries. Yeah. I'm not. I'm never actually mean. Well, we call each other mama and mommy because people don't bring it up in front of us.

Well, you're the official queen mommy. Of course. I'm the main mommy. You're the main mommy. We're just mama and mommy. Little mommy and mama. It started from a bit that we spend so much time together that we're like old country married lesbians. Like, mama, mommy. Like, you know. I'm scared, mama. Can you help me? Mommy's got your body. Tell me if you think this is mean. So this was at, I think this was at Fashion Week. Oh, you need your headphones on. Oh, yeah. You need to put your headphones on for this. And.

This is all caught on camera. I guess the man in this video works for the place, or he's PR, and he's part of the event. And the woman he's talking to was in line to get into the event and was apparently rude to somebody. Oh, I love this.

You're not welcome because I don't like you. That's your place. I am a PR person, you dumb fuck. He is me. I wish you well. I feel like he doesn't. I wish you well, that passive-aggressive. I'm matching your volume. I'm matching your time right now. Your voice is coming in at your mouth in my direction.

He's me. He's me when I argue. Right? Yeah. Totally logical. Dude, he roasted the fuck out of her. You're leaving. Mission accomplished. And we agree.

Never argue with a gay guy. Never. This guy's savage. The queens know how to fight. I wish that I was friends with him. And honestly, in that scenario, he can take anyone. I don't care who you are. He'll whoop your ass. He's ready for that. See, this is old school gay. These are the gays that got bullied and teased growing up. Boy, they're all the f***ers go. That's right.

These are the gays that don't call themselves queer people. Correct. Those are the old school gays. This is the guy that has a partner. You're allowed to call your gay boyfriend partner. Yeah. This is what I like, when they're scrappy and they don't give a fuck and they tell you what's up. God, I wish I had this much ounce of that confrontational gene. I got into a fight with a waitress at the casino.

touring skank fest in front of fans and it looked like i was being a bitch to like wait staff what were you what was i never i'm not like i'm i am kind of a bitch but i never mean to let i want to try to be as nice as i can but this fucking can i say it cunt yeah yeah that was a hard tea there's a hard she deserves it i'm playing craps minding my own business high on acid 4 a.m

So thirsty that you know when you're on drugs and you start to get thirsty and it starts to become a paranoia that you might die if you don't drink water. I'm starting to feel like that and there's like fans around and I'm like, it's fine. Stay calm. Someone's going to come around. I wait like 25 minutes. No one. Finally I see her.

Her fucking clout ass goes straight over to TJ Miller to ask him if he wants a drink first. So I just run over to her so I don't miss her. Like I run around the table to her. I guess that's bad etiquette. You're supposed to wait and they go to each person. But I didn't know and she had taken so long. So I just run over and I like stand there and she turns around and I go, hi. And she goes, I don't like this. Oh!

And I was like, what? And then the dealer was like, oh, you have to wait. She'll come around. And I look at her and I was like, you could have been nicer about it. She was like, was I rude? I was like, you don't know that that was rude? Are you unaware? Yeah.

You didn't know that that was rude? And she like looks at me and she goes, well, I'm sorry. And I go, okay, be more pleasant. Because you're not like, I didn't say this. I said this after I wept away, but I'm like, you're like 50. Yeah. So you have to be nice. You're not a hot chick serving drinks. That's right. The only thing you have is to be nice to me. Yeah. So then I was, and she was like, I'll come over to you. So I go over and now I'm fuming because she like did that. Yeah.

She comes over and now it just looks bad on my end because the people on my end of the table don't know what happened. But I'm going to be a bitch now. So then she comes over and she goes, can I get you something to drink? And without moving, I went water.

I just kept playing poker. I was done and the fans were like, so there's probably a Reddit threat that I'm mean to servers. Yeah. But that's what the thing is that somebody getting a half the story. Yeah. Yeah. That's most of everything. Yeah. Most of everything. Kim dressed up as her ex-boyfriend at the festival. I did. You did. Luis K. Gomez. Yeah.

What did you wear for that? Well, the thing is, Lewis is, he's gotten into, when I met Lewis and we were first dating, his lamp next to his bed was sitting on a cardboard box. He had no money. This guy, too. Yeah, look at you. You stuck around. I couldn't do it. Good for you. You guys were together a long time, right? Or am I wrong? We were together for like three years. That's a pretty good. We lived together and stuff. Yeah.

And he was a lot different than he is now. Now he has money and he's like this new, he's like, you know, you know, you guys know what it changes. Yeah. So I, I've been doing this character as old Lewis before he had money when he didn't care.

Louis K. Gomez. And it has been very fun. How's your guys' relationship? Obviously, you're at his... That's his festival, right? Yeah. So you guys have a good rapport still? It was so bad when we first broke up and so public that...

and crazy that we had to make it a bit to play it off. At one point we were like, we have to become friends and do something because this is embarrassing. And so we, it took a long time after we broke up, a couple years for us to become friends. There was a lot of

I mean, my last podcast I did, I was reading emails when we blocked each other to a country song and the emails were like, I can't believe we were on the plane and you yelled, detain her. Detain her. Like, we would get into huge public fights and it took a long time, but now...

it feels like he's more of an ex-husband than an ex-boyfriend in a weird way. You guys have been through it a lot. A lot, a lot. So it's a good thing that you guys are in a good place as far as... Yeah, and even at his festival, I have my own segment. It's called Kim Fest. It's the first day of the festival. So fun. Because originally when we first became friends, I was still kind of hostile. And I was like, I tweeted, should I start a festival in Vegas the day before Louis's?

It's great. And then that became like the idea for Kim Fest. So every year at the festival, the first day is my festival. That's awesome. And so it worked out really well. We get along really well. And we're actually like really good business partners together in that way. I'm actually hoping a man screws me over so I can get my own festival. I'm going to call it Shank Fest. I love it. Right next to Skank Fest.

It's my alimony. Yeah. So are you dating anybody? Are you guys, I know you're always out. No. No. Actually, I met a kind of hot guy at the festival in the green room. Okay. He was working? He was, he was, he's a comic. Oh. That's okay. But I didn't know him. You never met him before? I never met him before, but I didn't know he was a comic. He was, instantly thought he was attractive. That's a good sign. That's good. That's a rare thing. Second thing I noticed after I found him attractive, cauliflower ear.

I'm in. Oh, she's a Jew. She plays jujitsu. She plays jujitsu. Um, so is he a, is he? He's jujitsu. He does jujitsu. And then, um, that's good. And then he's an engineer or a great liar. Uh, so, and then he was really hot. So I, I met him in the green room skank fest and then I hit on him like a big girl. Good. And, um, and then we went to dinner and made out.

Oh, nice. That's good. That's good. That's a good start. And then he's almost perfect besides the fact that he does stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Does he live there? Yeah. In Vegas? Yeah. Okay.

That's close to L.A.? That's close. That's not that bad. He does live in Vegas. Right. That is a weird choice. Living in Vegas is... But he's an engineer for the city of Vegas. Okay, okay, okay. Was he raised in Vegas? I don't know. Okay, if you're from Las Vegas... No, he's from Ohio or Idaho. They're like the same thing to me. Outside of L.A. doesn't matter, right? Yeah. See, if you're from Albuquerque...

or Las Vegas. I think those are two very weird places to be from. Albuquerque is a good weird one. You're right. So weird. And Alaska. Oh, Alaska. That's a whole other culture. You ever meet someone from Alaska and you go, I don't know what the hell happened to you there. Yeah.

Not enough sunshine in Alaska. They're in the dark for like 90 days. Fucking weirdos. That's a weird place. It's weird to live in Alaska. And I have to admit, Iowa too. I get weird vibes when I go to Iowa. I don't even know what Iowa is. What about Idaho? I've been there once. Very rural. Very nice. Country. Cowboys. Cowboys.

No, it was Ohio. Ohio. Yellow Springs, Ohio. Yeah. Yeah. What if I said rural like that too? Cause that's how we learned how to say it at Louisville. Rural. Rural. Sarah and I went to the same all girls high school just a million years apart cause I'm a million years older than her. You're not a million years older. Isn't that crazy? We had some of the same teachers. Yeah. But I think that's why you became. Maybe you're both old as fuck then. We were both lesbians. Can I say, but I think it made, that's, that's why you're cool because you weren't raised when

When you go to an all-girls school, you're basically a dude. You're free. Yeah. Because you're not trying to impress anybody. You're just being you in those formative years. Yeah. And I don't know. Did you go to a single-sex school? No. But you're just butch as fuck, and I love it. I love that you do. I love that you're a dude. Like, you've got... I went to all-girl school vibes. You do jujitsu. That's pretty incredible. I do everything supermanly. You do? What else do you do? I, like, surf, skateboard, jujitsu. Oh, she can fix anything?

I drink beer, I fish, I camp. Why is this? You have brothers? No, I don't have brothers. You're Puerto Rican. Yeah. I'm Puerto Rican too. I didn't get that. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I don't know. Maybe I'm the trans one. Maybe you're trans. Maybe I'm trans. That's so cool. This is my trans coming out story. This is my best friend. She's non-binary. Oh, they're non-binary. I'm a they now. Oh, my God.

No, what do you do? All those things you think? I've just always really naturally been into them when I was younger. Turnboy. And it attracts you when men are like that too. So you're actually doing the things that you're attracted to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I have a question for you. Would you cold plunge? Yeah. We're going to do it.

Maybe today or tomorrow. Why? Do you have one here? Not here. Every day. Tom Cold Plunges. Really? I think I need to after Skank Fest. I can't feel my body. Oh, you'll feel good. Yeah. We're going to go Cold Plunge following this. Yeah, there's a place here that's great. Yeah. You know where to go? Yeah. Okay. I don't want to go to your guys' place, your fucking rich place, please. I hate when rich people tell me where to go. I'm like, okay, cool. No, no, no. I'll go to my $70,000 Cold Plunge. No, no, no. We're going to go to

I'll send you to a very accessible place. Tell them we're coming and you know us. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's fucking... Yeah, I've always liked stuff like that. And she can hang things and fix things. It's crazy. But I don't like to do that stuff. I don't like to do it either. I don't want to. The thing that sucks about my whole thing is I like all those things and the note you made is but I'm also attracted to that. So I feel like when I find a guy, they think that I'm like...

in a relationship I want to be manly and I'm like I don't and you're like no I don't you know I like to do all those things and then when I'm dating someone I'm like I can't lift or like I don't even like want to like look ahead of me when I'm walking I just want to follow you same yeah

I like it. I like that Tom is masculine energy and I can, because the woman can relax into it. You're not all, you have enough going on as a woman. I take care of the kids. I take care of the, and to know that he's got me covered, you're like, okay, that part of my brain, the survival part is free. That's it. That's what you need. Here's like the perfect, I think, like summary of our relationship is right here. Hey, love. How's your womb doing? Ugh. Is she a little crampy? Ew. What does she need? Ew.

You love her so much. Ew! Ew! Can I make you some warm tea or cacao? I decided to make you both. Cacao for your magnesium levels. I would have been like, he called me a cow? Red raspberry leaf, ginger and nettle for your hormones. Oh, this guy's such a gay. The thing that's fucked up is that you see me ending up with one of those. Yes, that's the kind of guy Sarah likes. Because you like these sensitive man bun types. Tell me more about my warm tea.

Oh, my God. My warm womb daddy. This gets you going? Yeah, she would like that. She likes these guys. I like a new age quack. But I mean, this specifically, is this okay? She would like that guy. You would like that guy. No, no, no. I would not like it if he started asking about my womb. Unless I was pregnant, then I'd be like, yes. Yeah. Ask me more about my womb.

Ask me more about my womb. Oh, no. No, that's a no, that's a no, that's a no. Not the hop. What? And your CBD. I can gag. Why is she making moaning noises? Bless your bleed, love. Listen, here's the thing you have to remember. This is all...

an angle. This guy is full of shit. And every guy that does this is just working an angle that works for him. Does she have period blood on her forehead? Yes. And then she makes art with it. I went down there rabbit hole. Hold on. But listen, Sarah, my husband's giving you knowledge. This is the downside of going to an all girls Catholic school is that you're not familiar with males, normal male being. We all are picking an angle. Every guy that comes at you, sometimes there's guys that come at you with the, uh, I could just be your friend. He's not.

He's not trying to be your friend. No, he's not trying to be your friend. Then there's the guy who's like, I'm really in touch with like every like ounce of emotion. You're like, well, this guy's like, I like this. He's a, it's still an angle. It's all about getting late always. And then there's a super aggressive guy. All those are just angles that that, that, that guy knows how to work, you know? So like the super feminist guy, you're like, this guy's on my side. No, he's not. They're never, it's all a fucking act. Someone that's in the middle. Yeah, it is views on both sides. And they're like, now,

When we go on dates, we got to call Christina and Tom. I would love this. And ask. And tell them what happened and ask them what they think. I would love this. Here's the thing. Like anything, the one, like the believable, the real thing is when it's, when someone is balanced, right? So it's like someone who's, if they're,

If they're like putting the hard sell on their feminism, it's fucking full of shit. If they're the opposite, if they're like hardcore, you know, they're kind of broken. Like if they're there, but if they're like selling it, you know, they're broken. They're trying to hate. Yeah. It's too much. It can be this guy or Andrew Tate in between. Yeah. Cause that basically that just shows you that the person has some balance to them. Slap me in the face, then take care of my way. There you go. Some balance, baby. That's what you want. That's exactly right. I guess.

Yeah, I guess choke me and then take care of my womb. There you go. Choke and womb. That's called balance. But how little do you want your man involved in your period? Like, I can't repel him enough. Oh, please. I want him gone. Yeah. Away. I want a yurt. Like, didn't they used to put women in menstruation pots? That sounds amazing. Put me in a yurt with an AC and a comfy couch. That's all a bitch needs. And a heating pad and some weed. See you in a week, king. Yeah.

But also we talked about low T King, Sarah Weinschenk. I like a low T King. See, that's the next phase. But I think that might work. She's significantly older than you. I'm significant. I'm 40 years old. But maybe we could look there now for you. Because I feel like if you want a baby, you want a baby daddy, maybe it's that low T King. He's in his 50s. He's settled. That's what I want.

There's plenty of options for you. Plenty of options. He's divorced. He's already learned those lessons from the first bitch. Are you putting this out in the universe? Are you putting this energy out? I say it on every podcast. If my husband's out there and you're listening to me, I'm like sleepless in Seattle every time I do a podcast. I'm like, if you're 6'2", big dick, got a nice job, decent money, good personality, don't embarrass me.

Have no dirt underneath your finger. No dirt. That's disgusting. Wash your hands before you finger me. Unless they're a mechanic and they wash it at the end of the day before they finger you. A mechanic would be hot. A mechanic. I need someone who can fix my shit. I dated a mechanic and it was hot. Yeah. I would sit, I would go to his house and he would do it at his house and I would sit in the driveway and drink under an umbrella and he would just work shirtless in his car. You loved it. You would drink underneath an umbrella while he fixed your car? That's my dream. Like a colonist. Yeah.

That's my dream. On your elephant. That's exciting. I hope you find your low-T king. I hope you find your masculine mechanic. My masculine mechanic. You have to go that way. I feel like it should be easy to set both of you up. I know. You're so desirable. You would think that. If you guys find someone for either of us. Look, this is going to find you someone. Yeah. I think you girls are perfect. What do you guys have, like 2,000, 3,000 people listening? Easily. You guys have at least 50 people listening. Easily. 50 men listening.

At least 50. A few guys, yeah. Can I tell you, but you guys are in the sweet spot of society. Your age, I find, like, you're not in that whole Gen Z crybaby bullshit of, like, my pronouns, the world is unfair. I don't want to work.

work for a living you guys are millennials is that yeah we're like not racist and not woke exactly we're like right in between perfect place that's the perfect summary of your age group not racist that's us yeah I like this I mean I would say mostly not woke for me but I would say and I think everybody listening not woke

Not me feeling bad. Yeah, you can tell she's woke by her apology right now. You're still upset about touching the lady's hair, that's why. Never again. Are you in a shame spot? It was my 9-11. I felt like, I told, I told, you guys, I told Ian and Kim that I felt like Larry David and then Ian, finance goes. Larry David was well liked. Then, then,

I'm glad you asked what the toe story is. Okay, so...

So Kim at Kim Fest, there is like this special segment. Her and Hormoz Rashidi have this dating show. The comedy dating show. It's called the comedy dating show. And they've done it at the comedy store a few times. And they did it at Skank Fest. And the whole setup is basically like win a date with Kim.

It's when a date with whoever's the person, but at Skank Fest, it was when a date with Kim Congdon. And then we have eight comedians. They each come up and do two minutes of standup. I'm blindfolded, so I don't know who's who, which is funny because it's like Ian doing a different voice and it's clearly Ian. That's adorable. And then they do a Q&A segment and then there's a thing. But in the middle of it, we were like, well, it's not really fair that all these fans came to see me and no one got a chance to go on a date with me. So we pulled up a random fan.

And obviously he doesn't have a stand up set to do for the bit. So we're like, what can you do to impress me? And he gets on stage with a mic and he kind of panics. And he's like, I, I would. And this is like a packed room. He's like, I would suck on every part of your body. I'd suck your tits, your ass, your pussy. And everybody's like kind of like, oh, yeah. And I had these house shoes on that I wore to Skank Fest. I bought house shoes just to wear there. My feet hurt.

And I'd been wearing them for like three days and they were like brown on the inside and like, you know, when they're fuzzy, it's like hot in Vegas. My feet were like sweating in them. And I was like, suck my toe. And he did. It was bad. There was lint on my toe. Nice. We see it in the video of him picking it off. I want to see. Can we find that video? Yeah, Sarah has it. I have it.

Did you go on a date? Did he win a date? We went on a date. Oh, you did? No, he didn't win. Ian actually won the whole thing. He was the funniest of the whole... And then we went on a date to a rage room and smashed stuff. That's cool. They have rage rooms there? That sounds awesome. We smashed shit in outfits and then we aggressively made out and then we cried on the floor for the video. It was funny. You do need a rage room. You get so...

fierce on a dime. That's called a man yurt. I know. You're a period yurt. There it is. That's me and Ian. Can you scroll to the video? That's... It's like...

Oh, yeah. That's us. Oh, how fun. Dude. Yeah. It was fucking awesome. That was our date. That sounds so fun to do. Why don't we do that? We're going to Vegas. It's a really good date. Yeah? It's a really good date. It's very fun. And then you can get this footage. It's very fun. So the guy sucks my toe. I sold socks at Skank Fest as merch. Off my feet. Off your feet. Off my feet. I was giving freshies. If you bought a sock, I'd take my freshie and take the one that was on the spot. Wow. Wow.

Well, that's an un... I've always said that on the show. If you can sell feet pics or sell your dirty underwear or your dirty socks, this is lucrative. Yeah, I'm a huge advocate. This is really good. Yeah, you can see Louis K in the background there making his appearance. Wow. Also, if you go to my Instagram, I have the toe sock on my page. Yeah.

Oh, look at us. Look at us. We're so cute. I look like I'm selling real estate. You really do. You look like you would be good at it. You look like you just turned me down for a house. I made one more customer so happy. I got to change this look. This is not good. You look like you just said my credit wasn't good enough to buy a home. But I'm willing to meet with you again next year. Yeah. And then, yeah, I got my toes sucked. I sold my stuff. Go down. It was a really good. Click on that one with Stan Hope, the first picture. Go through it.

That's a hippo from the strip club. Oh, here, right here. You can see... Wait, go back. In the beginning of the video, you could see Steve Ranazzisi point out to Soda that my feet are gross. Look. Oh, wait, it didn't start over, but...

yeah good for him he's probably rock hard you don't even know it dude he came up to me after he's like i'm not even into feet look at ran as easy point to soda he's like pulling the fuzz off he came up and he was like your toes weren't that bad thank you yeah he did say that he was a sweet boy yeah he's a sweet guy he's into you you can tell yeah he likes you that might be my guy that could be your guy no i don't know the

The guy that sucks your toes out of comedy class. Well, no shoes. I don't think that's your husband. I mean, he's a gamer. You got to give him credit. He's really down for whatever. Yeah. I'm also a gamer. If you're out there and you're one of those guys in my description and you like playing video games, we could do that too. Do you play video games? No. You should see them. We're very opposite from each other. A PC system? Count.

What? You don't even know what I'm getting. Oh, for fuck's sake. Another Oculus thing? No. What? A seat? It's the most. One of the. Yeah, but it's the, it's the, it's the fucking. We need to get our fucking podcast. Like, listen to our podcast this bitch. Okay, stop kidding me. Tell me I need a video game. No, I'm saying we need to get our. I'm not a gamer. I'm saying we need to get our podcast growing so we could buy things. Well, what is, what did he?

What was he talking about? He's talking about rich people getting video game shit. I looked over at you and you went like this and he goes, yeah, what is that? Yeah, this is nerd code. This is dry pussy code. As soon as I said I like video games and he said you should see what I'm getting, I knew what it was. This makes my pussy so dry.

eyes yeah video games yeah video games for me it's just my kryptonite I can't do it Kim I don't know I think you could actually get into it I can't I don't this is not my brain doesn't work this way we should play I'm too anxious for it I get fucking frazzled I get anxious it gives me I don't like it you know what though

Kim and I got grills and we were thinking next time you're in LA you should come get grills. I would love to get a grill. Would you get a grill? I got veneers. I'm afraid when they touch your teeth. Well, you can get it on one that you don't have. We'll figure it out. I would love to do it. Is she excited for you? Oh, no. God. What is this? Look at the TVs. Oh, Jesus Christ. That does absolutely nothing for me.

Okay, you want to hear the coolest part? Can I tell you the coolest part, though? Let me see it. You can switch between any type of car, any type of track, then go to helicopter, and they give you all the...

and then go into then go to planes and even jets I'm in I mean say no more like if you want to date a straight guy this is what you have to deal with is like they're straight guys maybe I'll just stick with a low T like kind of gay one you love a bi

You know what? If you like gays and bi's, you'll definitely like this. Nine foot sculpture plan for a Palm Springs park meant to remember lives lost to HIV and AIDS. But the design doesn't resonate with everyone. In fact, some call it inappropriate. And the committee in charge says they are now listening.

No, no, no. No, not the asshole. They should have made the hole bigger. No, it's that. Yes, it is. It's a Danish. It's eye-level opening. You guys have dirty minds.

It's a donut. Too abstract. It's an asshole. It's a donut. Glazed donut. Yeah, there's nothing abstract about that. I see exactly what it is. Yeah, I know what it is, dude. That's how everybody got AIDS. You walk through this and you get AIDS. That's the message. They should have put AIDS in the middle of it. It's like a mister, you know, when you walk through a mist of AIDS. Or like...

Maybe the ribbon or something so we know what it's for. Where would they put the ribbon? Maybe around the hole. Yeah, like a Christmas ornament. Decorate the hole with a ribbon. Yeah. They should put a butt plug in it. Oh, that would be sweet. That would be fun. And then it could be like a swing and you can...

an interactive gay hole yeah I don't know why the gays are upset about are the gays upset or the straights it's always like who's upset it's probably the straights I don't know maybe the gays are upset about this one I don't know I have a gay sister and she would not like this you know how people get like that I have a gay cousin who had AIDS and he would be rolling around in his grave if he knew this is how you're celebrating AIDS celebrating AIDS celebrating AIDS

This is our joyous festival for AIDS. If he knew the way you were just celebrating AIDS. Did you bring any blowers, guys? Did you send out the RSVPs for the AIDS party? Not the confetti gun at the AIDS party. We miss AIDS. We miss AIDS. We miss AIDS. It's the good old days when we all had something to fear. That's right. What do we fear now?

fear now? I mean, not AIDS. I'm not afraid of anything. People get up and go after AIDS. Zika. I kind of am afraid of Zika. I don't want a baby with a little head. That shit scares me. But that's only in like Latin America, right? Zika virus? I don't know. I think I knew someone that had a Ziki. Really? A little Zika. A little Zika.

Zeke would be a good name for a Zeke baby. I know. Zeke. That's so cute. So cute. No, you can't call a baby, you can't name a baby after their disorder. You can't do that. This is my son Downs. This is my daughter Stubbs. She doesn't have an arm. Come here Stubby.

What do you mean?

This guy asked me to do his podcast. This guy did? Yeah, and I said no at first because I didn't know who he was. And then I wanted to, and now I don't want to again because I'm like, I'm scared I'll agree with everything he says. I'm scared that I will just look as bad as he does. I'm like, yeah, maybe that's why no one wants you. Like, what kind of straight man wants a girl with short purple hair? Sorry, if you're a man and you want to date a chick with bald hair, just go fuck a dude. Yeah. Go fuck a dude like you really want to. What if she had a really pretty face? Cool.

Go fuck a man. I agree. They don't really like that, right? Like pixie cuts. You want a man with a pretty face. Go fuck a trans dude. Yeah. Okay. Okay. My B, my B. Go fuck a man if you want to fuck a woman with a shaved head.

I'm getting on your side, mama. Thank you, mommy. Are there any hot feminists? Like, do you know anyone that are just rad? Some of them start out hot, but then something happens. Something happens. Yeah, because I'm trying to think like... It's like when you eat oatmeal too many days in a row. Yeah. Who's a hot feminist that I like and they're all not? But you're like... Would you say you're a feminist?

I used to be. I would say I was. And then now I'm like, I'm not sure what that means. I'm actually a true feminist. What's that one? This is what I am. A true feminist where I'm like, I truly. Well, I don't believe in us being like not equality. But what's the other one?

Inequality? No. Would equity be the right word? Oh, okay. Where it's like, not everything has to be the same. Yeah. But there are situations where this person should get this and this person should get this to make them even. So with being a feminist, I'm like, yeah, I'm like,

I don't know. I'll tell you what I think. I think men should do the work and we should relax and have babies. That's what I'm saying. I'm sorry. That's the fuck I'm saying. You're traditional in that. Yeah. Because I used to be very like, I could do whatever Tom does. I want to be female, comic, eco, even women, women. And then I had kids. And I was like, I'm too fucking tired to do the same shit that I did. I want to stay home. We've said it before. We want to breastfeed by a river. Yeah.

I'm sorry. And you should be able to do it without being shamed because you're not out there making an income. I think the flaw of feminism is that we make success in what's considered good on a male spectrum. Meaning you're successful only in so much as you are

male success, which is career, life, external world. But that's not what really fulfill some women. No, we just want to like brush each other's hair. Making babies, staying in my, my menstruation year. And, and you know, sorry, I can't hang out. I'm in the year. You're in it up. See you in a week. I'm,

Yeah. No, you're right. I agree. Why is that the only form of worldly success is what I'm saying. I don't know. I mean, but it's probably, it's kind of like there's a reason things are naturally set up. You know what I mean? Like there's a reason people are drawn to like traditional way of doing things is because people fill the roles that like feel good to them. Yeah. Some people like don't want to do that. It's just what works for you though. The last guy I dated was like,

We went on like five dates and I really liked him. I thought he was really hot. Drag him. Yeah. And then I'm like. Quit beating around the bush. What do you do? And then on the fifth date, I was just being polite. And I was like, do you want me to get this one? You've bought so many of our dinners. And he was like, ah, get me next time. And I thought he was joking.

And the next time we went to dinner, he was like texting me. He was like, hey, bring cash. No. Bring cash is a move. This place only takes cash. It's a demand. It's crazy. Now not only do I have to pay, I have to go to the ATM. You're sending me on errands? How'd you handle it? I...

I texted him back and I go, I know I offered and it was a mistake. I was trying to be- Now you're taking back the offer. Yeah, I was like- I would have been like, I'll get the cash. I was truly trying to be polite. I will pay for dinner tonight because I offered and I don't mind. I have the money. But I just want to let you know this is not how I date. That's what I said. It's not how I date. I'm more traditional. How did he respond? He was like, well, he was saying, he was like, I don't really like-

Like, I feel like very used. Every time I go on a date in LA, the girls just want me to pay, blah, blah. Because you're a guy. And I'm like, yeah, but for our date, I did my nails. I did my hair. I bought new clothes. Like, I put a lot into it and you just showed up like so fucking ugly. You're ugly. Did he show up ugly? All men are ugly.

They all are. Like they don't do anything to help. They're going to get so mad at you. They're not ugly, but they're like natural. They're not hot ones. They're not ugly, but they're men are natural. Yes. And it costs money to be unnatural. It's a lot of maintenance. It's a fair point. It's actually a very fair point. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, I know. That's fine. I'll pay for the date, but I'm going to have hairy toes. I,

And my nails are going to look bad and I'm not going to wear any makeup. Well, it costs a lot of money. Get your hair did, your nails. You guys have nice nails, nice hair. All this shit takes money. It's exhausting. I know a woman who, I'll tell you later who it is, who told me she dated a guy. Yeah, you better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She dated a guy for a number of years. Like a number of years. And he split every bill. Every dinner, every lunch. I'm going to freaking throw up. I feel sick inside. And he even, he would even like... No, no.

Piggyback on some of like some work trips so that he could stay in the hotel. So you've dated a couple cheapos This is the problem with the feminine the current state is like it should be equal Fancy fancy like no, thank you, but it's not because you're not giving birth to a baby. It'll never never be The woman has the biological burden guy you did a bath bomb guy and then before that you're dating a guy I remember I used to look at your Venmo and you'd be sending him like a

$15 for your taco date. For what? For bath bombs? It'd be like for tacos, for coffee. I'm like, Sarah, what are you doing? That was a while ago. It was a different time. What did he do? What do you mean? He would send you Venmo requests? It would go on dates and she would Venmo him for half the food. He didn't have that much money, so at the time, I offered to pay for half. I hate when they say I don't have money to date because my high school boyfriends had money to buy me lunch. That's true. It's not an excuse. That's true. If my high school boyfriends can figure it out with their...

McDonald's jobs. Listen, we all grow. We change. You used to have an Amazon wish list and on it was Panera gift card. I still have it. Can I tell you Panera? Panera is too... It's just like bad bread. Yeah, I grew out of it. Yeah. You grew out of it. That's what I mean. People change. Thank you. That point made. Yeah, and then you had that cheap guy that started charging you for bath bombs. What? And then he said...

No, what happened was he bought me bath bombs. He says, I want to do something nice. He moved her in. He says, I want to do something nice for you. Can I buy your bath bombs? I said, sure, I would love that. Then the next month, I went to go buy something from the store, and I came home with a bag. And he said, if you're going to be shopping, then you need to be paying for your own bath bombs. How long did you go out for? Like almost a year. And?

And he told her she needs to not take baths every night because she's running up his water bill. This guy, and I'm telling you, this guy is rich. Rich. Not okay. He lost $100,000 in crypto and then was getting mad at me. Yeah.

Well, that's kind of your fault. When they were dating, he bought $100,000 in crypto. He bought these Mr. Frog cryptos. They're called cryptos. Cryptos. And then he came up to Sarah and he's like, I bought you one. And we were like, hell yeah, he bought you $100,000 crypto. He got her the Miss Frog that was only worth $50, which is already, they're disrespecting us even in the fucking crypto world. In the crypto world. Bullshit. Can I tell you what's a great thing about my husband? He's never been cheap.

Listen, even at our poorest, our fucking living in the Rampart Division in a shitty little apartment, he was never cheap. This is true. And he never did that shit. Like, I pay for you 50-50. And he didn't have two sticks to rub together. And also, like, keeping score. Classy. Yeah, you can't do that. If you're a guy, you can't do that shit. You're a good man, Tom. Thank you. He's a good man. He is a good man.

Yeah, I don't fuck with it. I don't do it. I don't like it. It's unattractive. It's unattractive. But the reverse is you take care of them. I cook. Yes. I like to clean. I'll do your laundry. I'll suck your dick. What do you want? I mean, this is the top three. Top three. Listen, check out This Bitch Podcast, This Bitch and Friends, live on November 26th at the Comedy Store. Hell yeah.

Also, you have the Shank Podcast and the Kim Congdon Takeover and Patreon.com slash Kim Congdon. Yeah, that's where I sell my thirst traps. I took them all off Instagram. You can't see anything hot on my Instagram unless you get a Patreon. Oh, Patreon's where it's at. I also have a Patreon. Oh, shit. Yeah, we're whores. Who cares? Patreon.com slash Sarah Weinshank. Very good, girls. Good girls. Sarah Weinshank has her own Patreon. I love you, too. Thank you guys so much.

I'm so glad you're out there. I'm so excited for this class of comics that you guys are in. This is wonderful. You guys are amazing. Thank you. Thank you, ladies, for coming. Thank you for having us. Bye-bye. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Yeah. Tommy. Tommy.

Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Tommy, would you marry your son? Yes, of course. My God, I wish I could. Tommy, would you marry your dad? Yeah, of course I would do it. Christina...

Would you marry your mom? No. Come on. I think I'd marry my dad.

Christina. Yeah? Would you marry your mom? I don't know. No. Dad? Yeah. Of course. For sure. Yes. Yeah. I really would. Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Would you marry your dad?