Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
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What's up, guys? I'm bringing my Come Together tour to a few more cities to close out 2024. This Saturday, December 7th, I'll be in New Orleans at the Lakefront Arena. The next night, I'll be in Pensacola, Florida at the Bay Center. January 10th, I'll be in Richmond, Virginia at the Altria Theater. The early show is sold out. We still have tickets for the late show. January 11th, I'll be in Norfolk, Virginia at Scope Arena. And Louisville, Kentucky. The Friday show on January 17th is sold out, so we added Thursday the 16th.

Tickets and all info is at tomseguro.com slash tour. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

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Buongiorno and welcome to your mom's house. The latest and greatest hard-hitting news. We're going to cover it all today. We'll get you in on the Senate confirmations for the cabinet. And yeah, there's just so much going on in the world. What's going on in Ukraine. We care about it all. Yeah, it's all here. We're going to resolve Israel-Palestine. It's all going to be talked about today. So don't you worry. It's all coming up. That being said, Christina P., you have...

You have three new shades. Three new shades. Four total. The perfect four. I've got my Berlin, which is a dark burgundy, a very deep, rich, moody color. I wore that yesterday around town. Madison. It's a mauve. You can wear that to drop the kids off at the mall. It's going down. Atomic Red, which is an orange-based red, and it piggybacks off the Perfect Red, which is a blue base. Get them all now. ChristinaP.com. Well, December has started, which means the holidays are close. Yeah.

Fellas, does your lady have lips? Maybe a good idea for a gift is to get her the perfect four. Get her some lipstick for her lips. It really is. It's the best gift for any lady in your life or fella who likes to wear lipstick. Gender is just a construct of your mind. Also, you know what's fun to do if your lady isn't into wearing lipstick is you get lipstick and you write things on her body. Right. Right.

Like what? Dummy. Yeah, stupid. Fatty. This part. Arrow. Yeah, you ride it across her chest when she's sleeping and she wakes up and she's like, what the fuck? And you're like, I wrote that on you, you stupid. Yeah. So it's just a different idea. That's so fun, Tom. That is really cool. I've seen it in movies. Oh, yeah? What kind of films? European.

I'm a cinephile. Anyway, it is the holidays. If you want to come see me on tour, we announced a bunch of shows. We added shows in a couple of cities. We've added shows in D.C. We've added shows in Louisville, Kentucky. And there's more being added. So get some tickets. TomSegura.com slash tour. It's a great holiday gift.

to give your loved one tickets to a show, live show. I mean, people came to the, I was at the club last night at the Comedy Mothership here in Austin. Yeah. And I was hanging out with people that go, yeah, that I've never seen live. And I go, well, they're like, yeah, there's nothing like a live show. They just watch specials and stuff, but...

which is fun, but there really is nothing like live performances. It's a totally different bowl game, and you're doing the UK. We're in Belfast, Manchester, London, Glasgow, Nottingham. Cardiff. Cardiff. People have asked me, and I wanted to actually respond to people, like, why aren't you doing a more extensive European tour? And it really is just...

scheduling and life commitments that just don't allow it's uh i would love to believe me i i love doing all the cities that i've done before in paris berlin and and and copenhagen and and so on and so forth it's just you have to have the time to do it it's too much time yeah you can't do it all that's why if you're asking me it's not that i don't want to go it's just that i don't have the time

That's it. You don't have the time. You're a very important guy. Well, it's not, you know, it's just like to do that, you have to commit like a month. You have to do it for like a month. So it's just too much. Too much. But I love you and I would love to come back and do those cities and maybe I can do a second European run at a different time.

Yeah, you're just one man. Yeah, last time it was too exhausting. It was too much. You've been touring. You're on it forever. People are like, oh, when is Tom touring again? I'm like, he's always touring. Never not touring. You're always on the road. That's how it goes. I mean, it's our job, though. That's the other thing. Always is. When people say that to me, I'm like, yeah, but that is my job. My job is to do that. Touring. Yeah. That's how I make a living. Touring. Yeah.

This supplements it I love doing this But touring is the gig It's the main gig It's the main main lobby gig Gotta keep the main thing the main thing Yeah who said that? I don't know Some fucking Some guy Some guy

I have some wonderful things to show you. Even some things I showed last week that you missed that I'm going to bring back just to show you. So happy. Yeah. You mean I almost got away without seeing them, and now I get to see them. And now you get to see them. Cool. Here we go. Here's your opening click, and it's just for you. Here we go. Here you go. Blow me up, Tom. I want to see your boobs. Send me. Send me. I want to see your boobs. I want to see...

No, I don't like it. It's terrible. I didn't like it.

Can you show me? I want... I don't like it. I want a do-over. What's funny is that... I don't like it. I don't think he knows how to kiss. He goes... He goes... He doesn't understand. Two-year-old kisses. That means that's probably how he would kiss you. Let me see again. Yeah. I want to see your boobs. Send me. It's kind of like... Send me. It's an exaggerated version of a kiss. Yeah. Like if you're showing an 18-month-old, you go...

Yeah. But I bet that's how he really does it. You know, right now you've got a roogie in your bottom lip, and it looks like he's got 10 roogies in his bottom lip. Yeah, but he doesn't have any roogies in there. It's full of roogies. Yeah. It's just all the boobs that are in his imagination. Yeah? You don't like that? No! No!

All right, I got something better for you. I don't like it. All right, we'll change it up. We'll change it up. And have to learn how to actuate the testicle. The testicle. The practice is very simple, okay? Yeah. So you go to the toilet, take out your clothes. First thing, tap your testicle. Okay.

And after that, tap it, and now you hold the egg, hold the testicle, and massage the testicle. Because testicle producing sperm. If you rub your hand warm and get the chi and hold the testicle and massage the testicle and hit the testicle, that will increase the sperm count. I don't think that's true.

I don't know about hitting. I would say massaging maybe. I don't think it changes your sperm count. Can you try it? I mean, sure, I can try it, but I'm also... Massage your testes. Yeah, I'll do that. Do it. Does it hurt?

Oh my God, my sperm count just went up. No, that's made up. I love him, but I don't think that's true at all. I think at some point, Western medicine would be like, we got a little thing to tell you about sperm count. If you rub it and massage it and give it a tap, it's going to go up. I don't think that's true. See, I think he knows a lot about like...

sexual energy and like, and extending your orgasms and prolonging a jacket. I think he's, but to be like your sperm count just went up. I don't think that's true. You don't think that giving your nuts some extra love would make them want to produce harder. I think it's intuitive. What do you say? Very intuitive. You missed this. Yeah. I don't want to. Diarrhea test. Four 71. Initiate. Oh, hand check. A hand check is insane. Yeah.

Oh. He did it. It appears to be mostly solid. Very interesting findings. More data to follow. He thinks that's solid? He's got a real problem. You saw this one? Love it, yeah. I think you've seen that one. Yeah, I like it. And this is where it drops on the floor. Oh, that's a good one. You've seen this one? Yeah, I like it. No, I like it. I could watch it again. Diarrhea test 470. Initiate. Mm-hmm.

Push so hard let it go. That's just a fart. I remember he's disappointed. Oh, I see it. Oh, he pees and farts. Yeah, but no diarrhea interesting It appears to be just your very interesting findings more to follow We're friends dude, do you think it's cool if I say with the hard are dude Take a break from

Why does he slow down the audio? I think it's just one of his... It's a character choice here. And then is this to get laid, you think, with men? Or what is this? I think this is just... I think he... My theory on this is that somebody like this...

wants to be known for this type of stuff, meaning comedy characters. And what they do is it's not fully engaging everyone. So they take shits on camera to people like, oh, that's the guy. And then they pepper in the stuff.

that they would like to get the same reaction as the diarrhea. That's such an astute observation, Tom. Like you're saying, he's a failed artist. He wants to do this. Essentially, yes. He doesn't know how to do it, but he's like, I know how to do that diarrhea stuff. And everybody who does any type of performance knows that feeling. Yes. Like, I want to be known for this, but it's not getting the same reaction as this, right? So he's doing a lot of...

He does a lot of this slave owner thing. On my way to get one of my slaves pregnant. I don't know. I think he just got the costume and then maybe backward and reverse engineered it, you know? I think the idea... Sometimes ideas come to you. Right. And you're like, that's going to fucking... That's going to hit. It's going to hit. You think this is the lane. He's like, this is the lane. I think he probably thought like, oh, I'll dress up and I'll be like, I'm a slave owner. Yeah. I'll do that and it'll be a... It'll really...

you know, get huge reaction. And then if it doesn't, cause I don't know what the reaction was to this. It's, you know, it is what it is. But then you probably was like, I should probably just ship my underwear again.

Yeah, I mean, what I found is that you don't want to overthink the bits. And it's always the bits that you give a lot of time and attention and intellectual thought to that don't really hit with the audience. You're much better off diarying in your underwear and making that into a video. You're saying it, babe, that the truth is like you so many times in stand up, you go, this is a good one. Brilliant bit. This is like, well...

constructed and it's thoughtful and it's layered and I do this and I take them down here and I'm going to say this and then you do it and it gets like a huh. You're like what? No one cares. And then your throwaway thing that you're like whatever gets like the applause breaking. Viral. Yeah. That's the one people remember. That's it. It's always how it goes. You can't control how the audience perceives you Tom. You don't. All you can do is consistent output. Yeah.

as we've learned. And he for sure is doing that. These diarrhea tests are interesting. I love them. And I'm curious to always know the outcomes. I don't want this to be perceived as if I am turning my nose up at the diarrhea. Never. No. No. Do we have more of him?

I mean, he's done 472. So yeah, there's a bunch of them. Let's see it. We'll get to it. But I don't understand why he wears the biker shorts because that defeats the purpose. Oh, you like the tighty-whities on. I want to see the diarrhea spill down. That's the whole point. I do think you were really onto something by doing the cellophane wrap. I would have loved to have seen that. Because that reminds you of Sack Lunch. One of the greatest videos I got. You introduced me to Sack Lunch. I remember early on, I was like, this interesting girl. Yeah.

Where somebody filled up a see-through pair of underwear with diarrhea. And it was a video that was like 05, was being sent around, and I was working in an office at the time, and I got sack lunch, and it just changed my life. Two girls, one cup, and sack lunch. Oh, and Mr. Hands, I would argue, are the three most pivotal videos that completely made me fall in love with the internet and see what it's capable of. It's a really cool place.

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I want to just point something out is that for a long time, a long time, almost the entire time I've known you, I have tried to encourage you in many different ways to lift weights. And you were always like, I'm not a fucking guy. And I don't want to look like a fucking guy. Well, actually, I said I don't want to look like a bull dyke is what I said. I was trying to help you out. So...

You resisted so much and I accepted it. And you still would exercise. You would do different things, you know? You would do, I don't know, cardio stuff, Pilates, all this stuff. Then pretty recently, some broad that you're working out with convinces you, I don't know how, to give weightlifting a try. And you come home and you have a fucking, I mean, an absolute...

Groundbreaking report. Yeah. Yeah. You go, guess what? I think I was wrong and I like weightlifting. Tom. What? You're like, yeah, it took me 20 years to realize it. I don't like it. I love it.

You know why? Because it's, it hearkens, you know, they have Romanian deadlift. There's something about this. You just lifting heavy thing, lift it again. And then you lift it. It's very easy. And I like it. My, my brain likes it, but you know, it convinced me that it was a hot chick.

that did the weight lifts. A friend of mine who's very attractive. She was like, this is what I do? This is what I do. And I was like, well, I want to look like you. And so I found on Instagram a lovely trainer. She's like a sweet blonde trainer.

Southern lady, the sweetest, most wonderful. And now I go to a gym that she teaches in, teaches in? Trains. Trains. And it is a dude's gym. Oh boy. It is heavy metal playing. It's guys missing limbs and lifting. It's tattoos. It's smelly dick and balls gym. Like a real dude gym. And I love it. But what I've noticed is

A lot of sounds. Dudes make sounds. I mean, it's a very dramatic. And you're like.

I've given birth twice and I didn't make this much noise. You know what I mean? Like you guys are kind of hamming it up here. Some dudes in gyms, I've been going to gyms my entire life. Some dudes in gyms are performative. Yes. I mean, it makes sense when you're doing certain lifts, you exert obviously a lot of energy. There's a lot going into heavy lifting. So on certain lifts, it makes sense. Like a grunt, a push. Some guys dial it wild.

way up. That's what I'm talking about. You're like...

Yeah, yeah. You don't need to. I know. And a lot of them wear earbuds as they're lifting so they don't hear the sounds they're making. Sure helps knock it out, yeah. It's so embarrassing because I'm like, could you dial it? Could you calm the fuck down? I know. It's very, it's performative. It's performative because how come I can do heavy things and I don't have to go. Well, you also just started. Maybe in a year you'll be like, you know what? I got to make the noise. Started fucking pulling three and I just, I grunt now.

And you know what I noticed too? A lot of iPhones scrolling. That? A lot of scrolling. I'll tell you what though, the scrollers, they're not that serious. That's what I feel. They're dilettantes. That's what I'm saying. You got time to scroll, bro. And there's also the chatty Cathy's, the ones who do a set and then they go over and they just have full fucking 12 minute conversations about things. And you're like, aren't you supposed to be

focused here yeah doing something I know yeah like I some of these guys you know again I'm new to the scene I feel like maybe they do you know one one rep or whatever and then they're just sitting on the thing scrolling looking I do think I'm what are you doing I'm thrilled that you do I really think there's nothing better I um I've been going to my gym and it's the fucking greatest I love it

I love it. I like it too. I really like it. I feel, because I've done the Pilates and stuff, this is just, it makes you feel stronger immediately. Yeah. You know? You just feel, you feel better. You have an open invite to my gym. I will not be coming to your gym, but you can come to mine. I like my gyms. My gym's too hardcore for you. You don't even. Okay. I got a sweatshirt and everything. All right. Now, I've been just absolutely crazy.

- Killing it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah? - Every morning, get up and train, yeah. It's the best, I feel so good. It really was great leading up to production and then coming, during production it was a goddamn nightmare to do anything. I would only do it on off days. - Of course. - I was exhausted. But I'm happy that you're doing this. I think you're gonna really, and one day you might look like this.

Look at this guy. This nigga's blind, but this nigga know where the fucking gym is at. He looks great. This nigga is in shape. He's probably, hey, an old head too. Nigga got his weight up. Nigga don't know where the fuck he at, but he know where them weights is at. Yes, he does. All right, man. I ain't even mad at you. You probably don't even know you that broly, bro. That's crazy. You probably don't even know he that broly.

That's wild. If you're listening right now, there is a man crossing the street in Brooklyn who is blind and he's got the, what is it? The seeing eyes? What do they call it? The stick? The blind guy stick? Sure. The blind guy stick. And he's, you know, he's trying to figure out how to cross the street here. He's clearly blind. And he is in his 60s and he is beyond jacked. This dude is yoked up.

He's in a tank. It looks like he's got a weightlifting belt on. And he is so fucking jacked. He is so ripped, dude. The Adidas pants. I will say, too, because you guys have always joked and I've heard men joke about how the upper body is jacked, but then the calves are puny. And I've seen it. And I see it on the pictures in my gym of the champions. They're flexing. And I'm like, yeah, but how come the bottom is so tiny? Yeah, that's a thing. It's like, well, that's like...

So many meatheads just care about bench press and arms. That's all they do. That's that whole thing of don't skip leg day. Don't skip leg day, bro. Now I know what that means. I never knew what that meant. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he looks good, though. I like him. I see it a lot in the gay community. What, they skip leg day? You see a lot of jacked.

upper body dudes. And I think a lot of times like gay dudes and they're like, it's just like crazy guns. And then these like little like Pelican legs. Yeah. It looks great. I love, look, I love the environment. I, I,

I love it. Like I said, there's like people missing limbs and stuff and they have prosthetics. What kind of gym are you in? It's so rad. It's so hard fucking core. A lot of people are missing limbs? Well, a lot, but there's a few dudes in there who, yeah, and they have prosthetics and they're still lifting and they're still going. No, it's incredible, yeah. And I want like our sons to go there when they're teenagers and be like, you fucking think life is hard? Go fucking lift weights when you're missing a leg, bro. That's true. Go do that. That's a real lesson. I love it.

No, I don't want to go to no pussy lady gym. Because first I thought about it, like maybe they should make a lady gym. They do make lady gyms, yeah. What? Well, like the weights are pink and stuff and it smells nice? Yeah. Wow. And it's just like all broads. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very big business. Oh, I got to talk to my...

I gotta talk to my trainer about it. You don't know about this? Yeah, of course. How come nobody... There's even gyms that are like women only. Oh, I know that. Yeah. But I mean like weightlifting proper... Well, I mean they have the equipment and then there's like the hoity-toity. Yeah. There's like the high-end stuff like what's it called? Soul cycling. No, I'm thinking of the one...

It's really nice. Is it X, EX? Equinox? Equinox. Oh, yeah. Equinox is usually the high end. Here's the deal, man. It's still a really nice gym. But that's a whole other culture. It's a different culture. I can't do it. Sounds like you want to be with the real fucking- With the bros. Yeah.

Do you even lift, bro? I like saying that. I like looking at them. I like listening to them. I like how there's an etiquette. They don't talk to each other. They certainly don't talk to the women that are there. I see the bros lifting and looking, but they're not going to say a word. There's a trend online of women who are such dumb twats who they go to gyms and they set up

to record themselves, like I'm recording myself doing this set. So embarrassing. And then they post the video of like, look at these guys look checking me out.

And they complain about it. And they'll do it for a guy who's literally just going like... Just like glancing, yeah. They're like, look at this guy checking. That's a normal thing to do. That's normal. People look around. They're making it sound like someone's going like... No. Staring at them. Yeah. And they usually get ripped apart for it, actually. No. I mean, the men are so respectful, actually, at this gym. That's good. And it's lovely and it's nothing like that. Oh, yeah. They're missing limbs. They know what can happen. I know. Yeah.

Yeah, but I know you're talking about, and like in the Pilates community, like there's tiers to that too. Like if you want to go like rich mom Pilates, then you got to wear the right Lululemons. You got to wear the right thing. Well, I like that you told me about that yoga class you went to where there's just always one guy. Yeah, and we pass by there on Sundays. And I'm telling you, there's always one weirdo straggler in jean shorts or he always wears the wrong fucking thing. It's not the same guy, but it's a type. And it's like 16 chicks. Yeah.

one guy. One fucking bro in the back of the class just looking, sniffing bottles. Yeah. Such a fucking asshole. I love it. I feel so much better when I come here. Yeah. Well, I haven't done the Pilates group sesh yet at this place I joined, but I'm curious to see if a dude will show up there because usually it's older men that'll do Pilates like me.

trying to heal injuries or something, but you don't see the straggler in the Pilates class. And SoulCycle apparently is a whole other mom culture too. Have you done that? The thing about the difference between, yeah, that's a totally different thing. I hear people even rent the bike. Yeah. Like the front, I want my front bike, so I'll pay $8,000 a year just to have my front bike. Jesus Christ. That's like in Manhattan or something, like in the,

and you know the thing about those moms the difference between like Pilates and yoga though is like if you're in a Pilates and you're on the reformer the reformer there's not really it can be very difficult right it can be very challenging you can't really but in yoga you can be like I can't really do this pose and you can just kind of go like and they're like just breathe just take it easy and you can just be the guy in the back wow there's a lot of buttholes here yeah yeah

Or I'm just going to do the child's pose. I'm just going to child's pose this one. My ankle isn't ready for this. I do love doing the yoga class. I like to see people's b-holes and body parts. When we did that for...

Remember we did a sober October challenge. And it was, I mean, I have to say it, it totally changes your perspective and your respect for it. Yoga is, can also just be completely brutal as far as a chap fucking kicks your ass. If you've never done it, especially if you're like an active person and you're just like, I've never done it. I cannot recommend trying that enough.

Go into it hydrated and ready to feel things you've never felt before. Hot yoga or core power yoga? Yeah, any of them. Try any of them. Jesus Christ, yeah.

You have one new voicemail. Hi! So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart. And I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending Dad to the store. Download Instacart.

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Okay, number.

Speaking of working out in bodies, we last talked about

some of the hottest and not so hottest first ladies. That's right. We didn't do presidents. No, we got to do something for the ladies listening too. Yeah. So how about we look at some of the hottest presidents? Presidents, yeah. U.S. presidents maybe? Or are we going to look at international presidents? Oh, so this is great. We found pictures of presidents in their swimsuits, which I think like, why not just go there? Yeah. Let's go see it. Let's see what's up. So there's Obama. You know, Obama, I always felt was,

attractive, but not handsome where I was like, oh, I want to bang Obama. Cool. Didn't have...

He didn't have the chutzpah of a JFK, which I want to bang Kennedy. Well, I think a lot of that too is deliberate. I think being the president, he could probably throw his dick around if he wanted to, but there's a certain way you carry yourself. Barack, yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's true. But he is very well put together. The guy's always physically fit. I think especially if you're talking about

In that world of presidents, that's like he's an outlier. Like he was always in really good shape. George W., as president, unbelievably good shape. This guy was running six minute miles like all the time and for multiple miles. He was in really good physical condition. Let's see. Let's do presidential scale of one to ten. OK. Looks for Obama. Let's rate him on only in the president's scale of one to ten. Like who's our ten?

Are we going to say JFK is the 10? Oh, but his body's better than JFK's. He looks great. Oh, yeah. It's also, generationally, if you look at the 60s and what they considered physically fit. I know. Oh, you're about to see it on this list. Oh, my God. Okay, so look, that's like a GQ photo. Yeah, see? Oh, my God. Okay, so look, I'm going to give Obama almost, what, are you thinking nine? Yeah. He's annoying. Yeah. I would say that's a very fair rating.

He looks great there. Okay. He looks great. All right. Let's go see the other swimsuit edition presidents. Holy shit. Biden. He didn't do leg day ever. No. No. Biden doesn't look good. I mean, okay. Hold on. Young Biden was kind of hot. That's what we're going to say. What age? If we can look at anybody in their 80s. No, of course. He's 80 years old. Yeah. Let's go younger Biden. What does a younger Biden look like? He's cute. Oh. That's super young Biden. That's sweet.

Yeah, even in the... Oh, but look at that bad comb over in the 70s. No, the hair's not great. No, it's bad. But he's got a handsome enough face. I think he's a decent face. I don't know what he would look like shirtless in this era, but it's probably just fair. So what are you going to scale him? He had a slender build. I mean...

Here's the thing. You have to remember something. It gets a lot worse. So don't forget that on this scale. It gets a lot worse. Wait a minute. That's not fair. You're going to grade him. No, no. I'm saying you can grade him objectively, but just don't forget if you're like, if you think this is bad. Yeah, it gets worse. We're not going into negative numbers. So just remember that. I think that this is to be fair. And if you're saying Obama's a nut, you got to go down to like,

I was going to say six. Cause I, this is above average for sure. For presidents. He's a presidential. Sure. He's a presidential. Don't you think you need to grade them based on how they looked as president? We're not looking at Obama in his twenties. We're looking at him. Well,

Well, I would say Obama's is, what, 40s, and this is Joe in his 40s. Should we go to the- But he's right, but Obama was president in his 40s. So 50s? So we look at people in their 50s? Presidential 50s? How old is JFK? No, it's a fair point. It's what you are as president. Oh, gosh. Just when you think you have this game- All right. We have to- There's got to be rules. Sort it out. All right. All right, fine. Presidency hotness. Okay, fine. You're right. You're right. Presidency hotness. That guy- That's-

You got to go down a couple notches. I mean, the tits and everything. I know. How sad to be photographed. He's fucking 80, though, man. I know, but I'd hate to be photographed in my bathing suit. It's so awful. Yeah, no, it's a nightmare. Poor guy. Okay, this is a disaster. Right now, based on that photo, I'm going to give him the lowest. He's a one. No. Boo. No, it gets worse. Who's worse than him? You just started the fucking game. I'm giving... He's a three.

A three. Give him a three. I'm telling you, you don't know what's coming up. There's nothing worse than this. I don't think you're right. I think it gets notably worse. I think it gets notably worse. There's nobody older that's been president than Biden. Have you seen who's been president though? Yeah. Dog show. All right. I'm going to say it doesn't get worse. You know what?

Okay, keep going. Let's move on. So what's the ranking for Biden? I'm going to give Biden a one based on this photograph of him with his tits hanging and everything and his body sagging. It's not his fault. He's old. He's a solid three. It just sucked. Negative. Negative. I think you're going to see. Keep going. Okay, so now compared to him, Obama's like, oh, it's like a 10. He looks so high. Look at that staged photo.

Yeah, that ain't real. That's so fake. Dude, you and I never even pose like that. That's fucking... That's got to be from the 80s, too. Look at that. Back when she was... He's president there. Oh, please. Is this before or after? It says it. He's president. No, I know, but is this before or after Monica? I don't fucking know. Is this staged right after that happens? This is such a bullshit photo. They're having a good time. You just fucking let them have fun. No. All right. This is such bullshit. So... Okay, okay, okay. But Bill? Bill.

Are there more photos or just this one? Is there something underneath that? This is what we have here, but this is right during the Lewinsky scandal. That's rad. That tracks. It's a fake photo. Okay.

Now, personally for me, I was never, I never felt he was that attractive of a Prez. He was not my type. Right. Oh, there he is. He's okay. He's good. He's real red faced, a little pink. Charisma plays a role. Great. Personality plays a role. Remember he played the, didn't he play the saxophone? He played the sax. And he also had soft,

swag times a thousand. He's the swaggiest president we've ever had. Well, are we going on swag or are we going on looks? And I'm going based on... Well, it's a package. It's the whole thing. You're not just like separating the two. Oh, I do. You know, you're no fun to do this with. Like it's literally, you're making this difficult. Just have fun for Christ's sake. It's him, what he looks like and who he is. It's all together. It's a package.

So yes, you consider the looks, but you also know the guy. So you have to go all together. Is it great? No. Does it get worse? Absolutely. So where do you rank him? That's a bad photo. Well. Okay, hold on. I think Biden's still the worst. I think he's at a three and a half, four. I feel like I'm more generous than you. I feel like I don't think that's fair. To say that that's not even average. I'll tell you why. Look at the pool of talent.

You don't think that's even average? I think he messed up with the Lewinsky thing. He didn't handle it. What the fuck are we talking about here? What are we talking about? I'm talking about swag. You said he has swag. Yeah, but then that whole thing kind of diminished the swag for me. Why? Why? When he got caught with Lewinsky and then he's like, do what is in the line. And he was on...

in court and he was doing the lawyering thing where he was like, now when I say affair, my mouth, the penis on the mouth. Do you understand? Do you understand why a woman cannot be president? Like, do you understand it? Because it's so clear now, right? We're playing a game about who is fucking, how attractive they are in their bathing suits. I don't find him attractive. No, you said it's a whole package. What is it then? Meaning you can't just rank the fucking...

Which is it, Segura? Is it the whole package of swag or is it the bathing suit look? You're the worst. No, am I crazy? Now he's contradicting himself. No, you are the worst. Ask them, ask them.

You said before the whole package, the swag. Ask them. And now you're going back to just a swimsuit. Okay, ask them. Ask them if they understand what you're thinking and how you think. And they don't have to understand. Oh, that's right, because there's only one person that understands how you're thinking right now, and that's you. Nobody else gets this. Okay, then. Let me have it. Can I have my own level of attraction for whatever reason? It's subjective, Tom.

This is a subjective sport we're playing. Can I just ask a question? Yeah. Are you saying that you found him less attractive because he got caught? No. That reduced his swag? How he handled it. The way that he handled it in court, I remember he was doing a bunch of lawyer speak and that was very unswaggish. And ever since then, I don't like him as much.

He was doing these weird things and the phrasing and he was backpedaling. It wasn't attractive. He gave you the ick. Yes, that's right. He should have just apologized and owned it and go on with it. Who's the next person? Can we move on to the next person? What are you going to rank him? He's a six. Wow. You did that just to spite me. That was a spiteful six and you fucking know it, Sakura. No. Your whole rationale is it's very difficult to process.

It's very illogical. Okay. Here is George H.W. Bush as president in 1989. He's got to be well, is he 60 or older there? 65. He's 65 years old here. I mean, there's nothing. There's nobody. I don't feel like there's a president in my lifetime who has felt more asexual than H.W.,

There he is right there. Yeah, I agree. He looks, he's like, he's keeping it together. This is actually, there's effort involved in this. You don't, you know what I mean? He's still running. He's slender. He's not like, you know, oh my God, super. Is there other, there he is. That's him much, way before president though. Just put George H.W. Bush during presidency. Yeah.

Yeah, you know what he's got? He feels safe. He's a safe... He's got pastor vibes. Yeah, it's exactly right. Yeah. And I don't feel like he's particularly attractive or unattractive. He's just there. Right. He's the beige of presidents. He's a pair of khakis. Yeah. So go back to his shirtless photo. You know, he's holding... That's a 65-year-old man. He's holding it together. That being said...

I think you got to give him, I think you give him a five. Yeah. That's so generous. Well, okay. I'm comparing him in my mind. He's 65. So we have one is Biden. I'm going to give him a four. Okay. Pretty close. We're only a point apart on that one. Maybe we're coming back together.

Wow. I love the era of the pants over the belly button. I know. I do too. Because they think they're hiding their gut. They're hooshy, yeah. Yeah, and you're not fooling anybody by doing that, but I like it too. Is he throwing an apple to a child? What's going on in this photo? It's a football, isn't it? He's on the beach. A coconut. He's tossing a coconut. Oh, a coconut.

Now Ronnie, don't forget, he's old as fuck. Ronnie was an actor. So there has to be like some vanity to this person. Okay, but how old is he in this photo? Scroll down there. It's 84. So he is president in this photo. I'm going to say he's got to be also into this. He was a better, I think he's better 65 than HW65, right? Scroll down more. Is there any more?

Oh, yeah. Here he is. No, that's a different one. That's Ford. Do Ronald Reagan shirtless during presidency. It's very important that we get the criteria right. See, Ronnie has like no muscle tone, though. He's thin and tall. But that is also like so... Well, that's not terrible. It's not terrible. But that's older. That's what I look like now. It's bad. Yeah. Um...

It's kind of, it looks like it's the same trip. Well. Jesus. But here's the deal, man. All right, there we go. Okay. A little tit sag. He's got tits and a belly and a whole thing. But here's the thing, is that he had a good face. You're right, he was an actor. Look, he photographs well. He's tan there. Yeah. He knew how to position himself. How old was he during, like, when he, just give him the benefit of when he started. He started his presidency in 80? Yeah.

So how about Ronald Reagan, 1980? Let's do that. Okay. That's when his presidency started. Can we see that? Okay. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's not beige. No. Like, H.W. is real bland. Yeah. There's definitely more charm and charisma to this guy. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to give Ronnie a generous, on a presidential scale of one to 10. I'm going to rank him higher than Clinton and I'm going to go with a five. I am. For me, I have fond memories of Reagan when I was a little girl. Yeah. Charismatic. Are you moist between your legs? Okay. Not, no. So I'm going to go to six. Wow. Well, I gave HW five.

So this is six now. Okay. And Reagan was older. He was 73 in those photos. Oh, wow. So that's a good 73. That's really good. For your 70s, people fall apart in their 70s, like completely fall apart. It's a tough one to crack.

Okay. So. This is my favorite. This is Gerald Ford. Hey, look at him. He looks good. And this is for old timey standards. This is the 70s. Yes, 1975. This is like the Burt Reynolds hot era. I think he looks great. I'm going to give Gerald Ford a presidential. Gosh, I would even go seven based on that photo.

Don't you think? He's holding it together. He is. Looks good. Scroll down a little. Oh, that's Nixon. How old is Gerald Ford in 1975? He was born in 1913. Holy shit. So he is. 62. He's a big difference between your 60s and 70s. Big diff. A big difference.

All right. He's a six and a half. But again, we're going on the term of presidency. We're going on the term of presidency. That's fair. Not the age in which you were photographed. Okay. Six and a half. Looks great. Now, Nixon is the next one. And I just caught a glimpse of it. He looks really good there. Again, the high-waisted. He's not president there, though, right? No. That's 1950s. He's VP. He looks good. Yeah. But that's not. He's got it over his belly button, too. That's so cool. No. We need to bring that back.

You can't cheat now. Everybody sees everything. Yeah. Everything's so revealed. Oh, I mean. He's not a particularly attractive man, right? I mean. Still, he's got something going for him. I like his air of certainty, authority. Oh. There he goes. That's not bad. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely pre-presidency, but yeah.

No, it's not terrible. All right. But that's much younger. I'm going to give Nixon, because he had nice full-headed hair. Hold on before we get there. I'm going to give Nixon a five. Okay. I think it's fair. What do you think? I'll go with five. Okay. Yeah. Are you writing these down? These are important. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. All right.

You can't really see, but he looks like a Gene Hackman there. He also is way swaggier. Yeah. He's way cooler. Way cooler. That's my point. That's the point I was making at the beginning of this before you lost your mind, is that their personality plays a role in it. Okay? So he doesn't look particularly...

but he's way cooler. Matt, Yana, can we go back to Bill Clinton's swag? A lot of it was a phony baloney swag. Okay, look at me. Stay with me. Stay with me. That guy is that guy is that guy, no matter what the fuck happens to him because he's an old school cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Old school guy. Yeah. Now, Bill, scroll up a little bit. Whenever the wind blows,

Yeah. He wasn't steadfast in who he is. You understand what I'm saying? He was kind of a pussy and I didn't like that he wavered. But that guy, this Gene Hackman looking Lyndon B. Johnson, that's a real dude. That's an old school guy. I like that. I find this, this is more attractive to me than Bill Clinton being a pussy when the shit hit the fan. You understand? Okay. So what do you like this guy? I think this is more attractive. I'm going to give him a six.

I'll give him a seven. Wow. I'm giving him a seven. Wow. Yeah. Yep. Also, we're in Texas and he's a Texan. He's a seven. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Now, here it is. The gold standard. Here it is. Mr. Come gutters himself. Yep. JFK.

He's like, did I nut in you earlier? And look at them touching the president. Oh, yeah. You see where that got him, huh? Pinching his nipples, yeah. Can't do that anymore. Oh, my God. You can't do any of this. That's how they got him. Look how happy. They're all just losing their minds. Touching him. Yeah. Could you imagine people touching the president like this now? Not like that. Shirtless. With a fucking wet bathing suit. You can't see an outline of his dong there. This is crazy. It's too bad. Scroll down a little bit. What does it say? He's a gold star. Going for a swim.

In Santa Monica. So it's 1962. During his presidency. That's insane. Yeah, they just touch him. Yeah. Now the funny thing is the standard for bodies then. I know. So like if you're being like today's standards, some people would be like, yeah, I mean like he's not grossly overweight, but this guy is not fit. Like that would be today's thing. They'd be like, yeah, he's not fit.

And then they'd be like, this guy is a fucking dime. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Even the women's swimsuits I love back then because, you know, your pussy lips weren't hanging out, your ass isn't hanging out. It just covered you and you felt like a lady. Nice phrasing. Yeah, look at that. But that's like, you know. Cute. You're just like somebody would be like, well, yeah, start going to the gym.

That's literally what they would say. No. For sure. I know, which sucks because I think his body is fine. Because it's a normal body. It's normal. He's great. He actually has like a normal, healthy look. Now his son right there.

JFK Jr. Ugh. Ugh, what a stud. That's a fit guy. Yeah, he's put together. What a stud. This guy fucks. Yeah, he fucks. Big time, dude. Actually, he doesn't fuck like daddy. No. Daddy fucked. Daddy fucked hard. Yeah. Look at Jacqueline. Wow. Look at like, look at Cary Grant shirtless. And that's like a great, like for in this era, that was considered,

This is the leading man of, this is like the hottest man in the world.

And there's like, there's no physique really. No. It's just. He's just like trim. Yeah. Like he just has his weight down. That's it. He looks great. Keep your weight off. And that was considered like you're doing great. But I think this is more attractive than like, I think that's lovely. That, that, this to me is what a man looks like. This is very lovely. But for today's era, they'd be like, you're not doing anything. You're scrawny. Look at that little pose. Hello. Look at his tush. So gay. There's somebody back there. Oops.

Did I too? Yeah, and you know, we had the big boom of action stars in the 80s going into the 90s was about Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and they were super, super jacked. Then you see Bruce Willis, and he actually just looks normal. Right. He's not actually, he's just healthy.

He just looks like weight, like your weights down. Yeah. Just looks normal. Yeah. Right. Like, uh, what's the one we watch every year at Christmas? We love Die Hard. He looked just like a cop, like an in shape cop. Yeah. Not even like particularly in shape though. It's just not like. Not a fucking look. Yeah. It looks great. That was 80s fit. I liked 80s fit. Yeah. That's just a help. Like, you know, like he's just not fat. Yeah. That's it.

I know. Even Marilyn Monroe's body, she wasn't like, you know, lean and jacked. Not at all. The way models are now. No, she had a little chub on. Not chub, but just a layer of baby fat, like normal female body fat. Wasn't she reportedly like 150? That's a full figure. Towards the end of, yeah. Not in the beginning, no. Yeah, she gained a little bit of weight later. Oh, no. Well, it fluctuated. 118 to 140. Yeah, she was heavier. Yeah, when she...

Full tits. 36D. Full tits. Yeah. Full tits. Tits were probably fucking half that weight. Yeah, tits are a lot of weight, man. That's for sure. All right. How many more presidents? I really came full circle back to JFK. JFK. Yay! Look at that. He would dump his clip in there, too. He and his brother would tag team her. That is dope. In Malibu. Isn't that crazy? Yes. The president? Yes.

That is crazy. And it was known. Like, oh, they just plow her. It's so weird. Who's getting plowed today? Who do you think is the Marilyn of today that like...

Presidents are dumping clips at men of power. I just don't think that that's a thing now. It's got to be, right? I just don't think so. You think that just stops? Well, it's definitely... Is it like Instagram models? Like, you know, they get called over to the Middle East? Maybe. This is just a different era, though. Oh my God, they wanted to shit in my mouth. Can you believe it? You know, there's no digital tracking in this era. It's just literally like...

I don't know, somebody passes someone a message and then they show up. But like this era, these guys can't do this shit. Not like him. He was everywhere. Just my back hurts, but if I nut, maybe it'll feel better. What's underneath him? Is there any more? We've got to be running out of photos here. Truman. Okay. That's a dog chow.

That's one step above Biden. Well, you guys didn't rate him. Is that 10? Oh. Who? JFK? Yeah, I think he's a presidential 10. And then right under him is Obama. Okay. The Dems are always hotter. And then go down? Go down? The men. The male Dems, I should say. Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah, these guys, they're both sub fives. Yeah. Truman, Roosevelt. They're like three fours.

So JFK. He's the gold standard, I think. Right? Would you agree with that assessment, Tom? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah, JFK. Yeah, JFK Obama. Yeah. Star is like attractive level. I think you're right. Yeah. Those guys could have been like movie stars or whatever. Did anybody in there grossly disagree with any ranking? No.

I kind of feel like, are we ranking these guys against the ones we're showing or entire presidency? Because they would be closer to tens, almost all of them. Wait, if they're what? If they're ranked against all of presidential history. Oh, I see what you're saying. Oh, yeah, they're dogs before. No, I think it's got to be modern era. Yeah, if you can't be like, how about Grover Cleveland? No, those are dogs. Yeah, those guys. Those are hard ones. Yeah, those are just the zeros. Yeah.

I think you have to do it in the photography era. Yeah. Yeah, because we don't even really know what people look like. Right? Like Lincoln, there's paintings. I mean, there's paintings, yeah. Those are flattering. It's pretty, yeah, it's pretty, I mean, understood that it ain't good. None of it was good. Yeah. Probably a little harsh right there on Truman, by the way. Yeah. I think we're just over it. It's a bad angle. It's not a great angle, but he's definitely...

Also, it's like, but you got to picture yourself with your mouth between his legs. You know? I can't even. I know. I know. It's rough. Yeah. Who do you go for? If you're gay, you have to choose. What? One of these? Yeah. I mean, for the story, probably JFK. I'd be like, fuck, I had a pretty good weekend. Yeah.

Do you think he was nice? Like he would like leave you presents or do you think he, you know what I mean? Like, would he just come in, pump and dump and bounce or would he spend some time with you? I mean, it's obviously all hypothetical, but I, I feel like there was a little romance to him. Yeah. A little charm. Yeah. Because he didn't get a bad reputation for doing that. Like women weren't like, God, this guy, you know, assaulted me. They were, they were happy to oblige, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, he probably hung out, had some whiskey and cigars. I bet Clinton was super charming, too. I don't think he was just like fucking lay there. I think he was cracking jokes and like, you know, being charming. I think he was probably, yeah, laying it out. And I got you a cab and everything. Yeah.

Yeah, I think he was probably nice about it. And I bet the ladies felt bad for Bill because of who he was married to. Like, you know she wasn't touching him. Long ago, they made an arrangement. No. But Jackie, oh, I felt bad for Jackie. Yeah. You know, she was beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful and nice. Pretty nice. Yeah, fancy and nice. Who knew? Now... How about this guy? Oh, right. We didn't rank him.

He did lose the LBs. For the upcoming... Yeah. There's an argument that his upcoming presidency, in which he is notably older, he might even look better. I think he does look better now than he did before. Because he's doing less of that orange bullshit. Yeah. He actually feels like he did less crazy hair stuff now. And yeah, he's older, but he dropped like 15, 20 pounds. So there's definitely a case that he looks better now.

I think now. I think so too. I think that someone got a hold of him and tamed him down a bit. I don't know who the fuck could do that to him. I don't know either. Maybe Melania. I do think he looks, I do think he looks better now than he did four or six years ago. I really do. I mean, he could have, he looked insane the last presidency, the white and the orange. The face cream shit is always insane. The hair has obviously always been a story. It looked absolutely crazy too. It looked like a dead animal on his head.

And he would wear these ill-fitting suits. You got a multi-billionaire wearing these frumpy suits that like, what happens when you're fat is you go, you want to cover your fat. Yeah. So you start, you start buying things that are too big. Yep. And you just look fatter. Oh yeah. So, but he, he, I think he actually looks better now. I think so too, Tom. And I think Melania never ages. She looks amazing. No, that's a totally different category. Um,

Yeah, so if you had to rank him, he's definitely not doing any shirtless photos. But I think... God, this is tough. Pull up our chart again. Yeah, I would say he's also in his 70s. I'm going to give him a Truman ranking. Like a 3-4? Yeah. That feels fair. Yeah. So Biden's still the lowest on there. Oh, poor guy. Yeah.

No, you have to. He's definitely better than that. So if I gave Biden a three, yeah, I would say that Trump's a four and a half. He's 70 fucking eight years old. Also looks better. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I'm so glad we did this work. This was important. We're going to get to Syria and some of the issues going on in internationally in a moment. Um,

Yeah, but this was important work. We spent so much emotional energy on it, too. Look how heated we got, Tom. I know. I feel like there was, you know, we don't really argue about much in our marriage. And then look at this. You got really upset with me. Well, it makes you, you know, like I said, things you care about are things you get passionate about. So here's something to transition you out of that. Oh.

Yeah, I've seen this guy. This guy's pretty interesting. He's Russian, right? I think so. Yeah.

It's not that different than taking a shit in your underwear. It's the same type of thing. Hold on. It is, though. The taking a shit in your underwear, I think, involves a lot more preparation. First of all, you've got to give yourself diarrhea every day to film that. Well, no, he's doing diarrhea tests. Sometimes he's like, oh, it's not diarrhea. It's solid or it's just urine. Right, but let's infer that he's taking things that would induce diarrhea. So you're talking a few hours of prep work.

there. And then he's got to choose the underwear. What do you think? Eggs just grow on trees? This guy goes out and he buys eggs. He's doing it for like, this will get people excited. That's true. Yeah. I liked it. I liked watching it. This is more entertaining than a lot of stuff I see on television. Well, I got some interesting stuff to show you. Is this horrible or hilarious? Here we go. Oh.

That's horrible. Oh, shit. Fuck, dude. Oh, it's good. I liked it, though. Hoo-hong. Wow. Hoo-hong. Yeah. Hoo-hong. I think that means my arm. Yeah. Yeah. So it sounds like you kind of laughed. I liked it. I thought it was funny because she should know better than to go next to that. Yeah, she should. Here we go. That was a good one. How did that happen?

He's okay. He's okay. How is he laughing? How is this guy laughing? Because this guy is double jointed. He's just having fun. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Thank God. Yeah.

It was fun because you think he's just cracked his leg in half, but it really was just terrible. I didn't like that. Um, we also, speaking of videos like this, we got an interesting, uh, email from a listener. Hey guys, I was listening to this, to the Adrian Appaloochee episode, but by the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. Um,

You guys are, of course, what? I just choked for a second. I can't choke. Hey, fuck you. It was just scary. Why is it scary? I got scared. I thought you were dying. Everyone's fired. You guys, the level of disrespect. We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned? I'm fine. We thought you were stroking out. We didn't want to say anything. You know, first it was the face.

Now I fucking choke on saliva for a second and you guys make it a big fucking deal. I'm going to do a drawing for you choking on saliva. Like, I already know how it's going to go in my head. Like that. I'm returning your Christmas present. I was listening today to the Adrienne Appalooza episode. She has a great new special on Netflix. You guys...

Of course, are 100% free to do your thing. Thank you for that. Yes. But just one person's reaction. I'm unsubscribing because of the cavalier attitude to actual human suffering is too much in parentheses for me. Understandably, that a lot of comedy is about real human suffering. But this crosses the line once again in parentheses for me.

You're both doing great. This doesn't represent an existential threat to your well-being. Okay. But if my message makes it to you, then I've communicated my wish for more compassion and different choices. And I think that makes a better world. And I think comedy contributes to that better world. Uri. Okay. Thanks, Uri. Here you go. Thanks, Uri.

That guy is fucked. Yeah, he's so dead. Dude, everything's fucked. The bike, the bones. Yeah. That was bad. That was real bad. Dude, what the fuck was he doing that? What did he think would happen then? That maybe that he would land and just keep on riding? I don't know. It's definitely a man. I don't have to get a check on that. That's a guy. Let's see what it says here. That was really just all dumb. Yep. It was Danny Fender. Let's see. Holy shit.

This dude, after that, he says he hit the drop with too much speed. And it was also very windy. He later confirmed he had no broken bones. No way, Jose. Only a few scratches and a swollen knee. That is unbelievable. Here, I'll just say this. Danny, I'm glad you're okay. That looked like the dumbest thing I'd ever seen anyone do. But I'm glad you're okay. Yeah. That was okay. I thought you were definitely dead. That was wild, dude. Yeah.

She's gone. That fucking hurt, dude. She belly flopped. She got a mouthful of water. Fucking top flew off.

Her panties flew off. That was terrible. She put her feet in two, like you got to start skimming, you know? What is she trying to do here? She's trying to like foot surf like the, so like you're, but like the, that speed and the, the obviously the force of putting in, you got to like start by just like just grazing the water, you know? And she just went all the way in. Yeah, that's wild. It was too much force. That was a lot. I want to go back to everybody laughing at me. I, I,

It was awful, babe. It's not that we were laughing at you. It's that you made this horror. It was scary. And we were like, is he not going to? No, but there's repercussions is what I'm saying. Oh, no. Oh, yes, there are. What are you going to do? Well, there's no Christmas party anymore. I'm not doing that. Oh, my God. I'm not doing that. And I'm not doing that. And I'm not doing end of year bonuses. And I am taking back your gift. Now, let's move on to the next segment. You said egg roll? Okay. How much is that? You have a general sales?

There's cats there, too. Is that spicy? He got into so many different positions. He got into six positions. On a scale of one to ten, how spicy is it? How spicy is it? Spicy. The cat's chilling. The cat's so used to this. This guy's really good. I gotta say, this guy is really good. So many farts. Oh, I was looking for his name. It's Will the Farter.

Okay. Wow, this guy's really official. He's on Cameo. If anyone's looking to get a video as your plug, I hope you enjoy him. I'm very much so right in front of my computer. What do you need me to do? Not sure, but you can go ahead and elaborate.

So he's one of these guys that can suck air in, right? That's clearly what's happening. Because I had a roommate like this in college that could do this. That's amazing talent. Yeah, and he would get on all fours and just put on shows. Is he on Cameo too? I don't think so. He should be. I think he works in sales. He's got to change his career path immediately. This guy's amazing.

Yeah. Way to go, Will. What a talent. What a talent. So he's sucking it in to fart. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I could watch this guy do this for hours. That's pretty cool. Really good stuff. All right. There's one. Oh, well, I just figured we should do this for you. Oh, please. If you want. I'm looking for me. I'm just thinking about you choking. Fucking done. What made you choke?

Is it just spit from the roogies in your mouth? I can't wait. I can't wait to see you choke. You're so spiteful. I hope it's bad. You know what? You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty. You're spicy. What's going on with you? Here we go. First video. What's going on? Nothing. What are you going to make today? Excuses or results?

No. Right? Too much momentum. Right? Yeah, he's not really, there's no control in that. He's just swinging them around. It's like, yeah. Yeah, and I'm a novice weightlifter. The form is long and the speed. Sir, you should know better. Yeah, you don't have to go that fast. Nope, hard pass. We're not showing you again. This lady's licking a flypaper strip. Just eating the flypaper. You don't think they taste good at all? Maybe they're tasty.

Maybe they're crunchy. That was tasty. Two out of the gate I didn't like. Buster Cherry, happy birthday. Great to see you here. I will say the name, Craven Moorhead. Shots at Mike Hunt, happy birthday. Drew Peacock. Eatin' Viva. I love you.

Jack Mayhoffer, happy... Drew Peebles. There's our Drew. Mike Hockener. Mike Hockener, happy birthday. Bill McCrevich, 20s. Oliver Kloshoff. Kraken, happy... Dixie Rack, 20s. And Hugh Janus, helping out my leaderboard. Colonel Angus.

Sleepy joe. Yo, I didn't mean to say that. Genitalia. Happy 1000. You totally got me with that name. So Fonda Cox, happy birthday to you. That's great. The best part about this is that it's somebody that puts that name in their profile and then absolutely has to crush it in class to get called out. Like, you gotta be top of the leaderboard. So you gotta be just...

so getting after it for them to be like so huge fan of Cox or whatever you can't just name it and get named you know

That's the best part. Yeah, this is somebody who's like, I am naming it Mike, and I'm going to fucking crush it in class today. So they called me out. Can you start doing this? I don't think I can get it up there. Seriously? No. How many people ride with you at the same time? Well, I don't always do. I don't do a lot. Maybe it's like people in the live classes are doing it. But these leaderboards are fucking like some of the things I take will be 90,000 people.

You know, they're not calling out someone who finishes 47,000. We need to get the mommies on this. Yeah. This is amazing. Mommies, you know what to do. Unreal. And left hand, left hand. Left hand, remove. Left hand, remove the left hand. Remove. Yes, yes, remove. Remove. Yeah. Got it.

You think she choked on saliva? You think they made fun of her for that? You think they had a little more empathy? We were all like, oh my god, is he going to say something? Oh my god.

This might be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. That's why I put it in there. So he's in a cave, in one of those tight caves, and it is a spider den. Yeah! How awful. See them crawling up on the walls? They're crawling all over it. Oh my god, there's... It's like a live wall of spiders. He's like, I gotta get a selfie real quick, hold on. They're crawling all over it. This is a very tight spot, and I'm not sure how well that can be seen, but I'm gonna try to...

Yeah, reflect off my glove and get through here with a certain amount of patience. Limited dignity. The rocks are sharper in this direction. So that means I'm going to have a real significant problem. Yeah. Getting out of here. Oh. Just this one exact spot. I'm going to set this here. Goddamn.

I feel safe saying that this is white people shit. This is just...

That's true. We've never seen a black or Latino cave climber. What are these? Cave tunnelers? It's just always the same type. Asians, they're not interested. No, nobody is. It's the whiteys. That's so true. To do this, A, is crazy. And then B, to be like, I got to make sure I have my fucking selfie stick to film this for everybody. And make sure I bring a light, too. So you have to be thinking of production as you're doing it. It's just awful. It's so much.

What do you think? What do you think? You want to take that for a ride? Really turned on, yeah. Are you? It's kind of hot. It's got a nice tone. You can't picture that licking up your clam? No. You wouldn't like to feel that? Babe, stop. If he goes all the way up your crack and all the way up the front? You would not be turned on at all if this guy licked you up. Babe, stop. I'm going to be sick. He looks good. I'd give him an eight. TikTok eight. If all the presidents were doing this pose, I'd give him a high five.

What's up, guys? Today I'm going to be teaching you how to make some... I got to tell you, I really dislike this. This I really dislike. Why? Because he's so far gone, and this guy so needs an intervention and the full... The house needs to be set on fire. Whatever he's in, they need to just blow it up. Scrambled piss eggs tutorial? Let me guess.

You put your eggs in the pot and then you pour some piss in it. Well, let's see. Watch the video. Fucking eggs. You don't even know what you're watching. So basically I got two eggs right here. Yeah, I see that. I got my piss right here and I'm going to be showing you how to make my personal favorite receipt. It's pretty easy to make. Receipt or recipe? You're going to want to put some piss in a pot. All right, not too much. Once it's hot and steamy, you're going to want to scramble it up.

Scramble it up. Oh, you can smell it. I'm going to fucking pee. Oh my God. Look at how good that looks. Did you like it? Yeah, that was cool. Yeah. This is for you, babe. Oh, I've tapped into something I'm too crazy to explain. You're too normal to understand. Thanks. I'm just glad that I managed to upset you the way you upset me at the beginning of the show.

How did I upset you at the beginning of this show? Remember that guy? It was sexual. Ew. Yeah, he wanted to lick my tits, and now you. Ew. Ah!

So I got served today at the pharmacy. And I'm not saying men can't look like this because please go off, kings. But like, I'm not doing damage to masculinity. I think y'all are when you serve me, when you call me a man, right? Like, I'm not a man. Don't consider me for the pool of men. And maybe the people who are like, oh, masculinity is in decline. Well, stop thinking I'm doing anything with it. I'm not part of that equation. Count me out.

I think you need to put more stuff on your walls. It's so bare. It is so bare. It's so bare. You know, it reminds me of like an apartment when you're 22. Yeah, it's depressing. And you don't know how to hang some things up on the wall. Yeah, if you're going to be a lady, you've got to decorate. Yeah, yeah. The fucking audacity of whoever called this person sir. It's like, fucking what is wrong with you? I know. Show a little fucking consideration. It's so insensitive. I mean, yes, he's got a full beard.

Who? Sorry, they have a full beard. But that doesn't mean that you're necessarily a sir anymore. No. Fucking A, man. I know. It's so rude. Just... I agree, though. He could sit... Sorry, they could use a poster or like a painting of something. Yeah, you got to hang some shit up. Okay. Maybe that's why it's so spicy. Sorry.

We looked away. How did he know? He knew it was the moment I looked away. He's like, you fucker. Don't say that.

So weird. Really interesting collection from you today. Thank you. If I had seen this collection brought to me and someone said, who curated this? I wouldn't have thought this was you. It didn't really feel like Christina vibes. But then again, we're just kind of getting back into things. We are, Tom. I'm a whole new person. I'm just regrouping here. And this episode overall felt kind of dark and horny, didn't it? It felt...

Very horny. There's a lot of sexual undertones. But sometimes horny feels good. Didn't feel so good. Didn't feel good for me either. It was awful horny. Yeah, it was bad. It was sad horny. It was depressing. It was kind of like jail horny, you know, or like psych ward horny.

Not the kind of horny where you're like, ooh, I'm turned on. This was depraved horny. Yeah. Real bad, real bad. Thank you. I would kind of credit you for that. So thank you very much. Hey, you know, sometimes the algorithm speaks to me. I can't curate it. I think being that it's December, we need to go out on something a little more joyful. Yeah. A little bit. Good idea. Hey, guys, you want to make me green? That's right, guys. You want me green like a monster, man? Also horny. Again. You want to kill that?

Or die in my body. Say, yeah, make me clean, baby. And make me sheen. Green and have your nasty way. Make that right, man. 917-353-2913. There you go. 646-373-8523. Hasn't changed. 646-3968. Or 9970690. Four numbers. That's right. Make me clean, baby, man. Man, make me a monster, man. You want to make me a monster, man. You want a monster daddy, man. You want to use his daddy. You want daddy to be a monster. Freak.

and the green from head to toe and say, shut up, baby. We're going to have a go. We're going to go, go, go. That's right. You know, you want it too, guys. You want to get it done. So come on over, guys. It's part of the play. Well, you know what? Reliable, consistent. I want to say, Robert, you look handsome. Looks great. You look good. I like the Grinch effect. That was creative. It's in the holiday spirit. Definitely. It's playful.

Yeah. And I don't know if those are new phone numbers or just he's repeating the usual suspects. I think there's some of the usual numbers. Maybe there's an added number. Yeah. Because four phone numbers. It's a lot for people to write down as they're watching this. Yeah. He runs through them pretty quick. But goddamn, man, you look great. Yeah. He does. I hope you have a great holiday.

Robert, I hope it's really good. We love you. We always love you, buddy. Good to see you're up and doing your thing and stuff like that. And hopefully the numbers, I hope all four just keep ringing through the month of December. Great month to visit 2395, apartment 2C, 121st First Avenue, Spanish Harlem in New York.

That's where he is. It's very public knowledge. It's actually on Google Maps. Oh, that's right. Under Robert Paul Champagne. You can look it up. It'll take you right to this man's place. That's the amazing part. That's it. Fun day. Fun show. It's December. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves. Do your holiday shopping. It's my favorite month. I love December. December's the best. It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but...

I think that I'm looking forward to meeting them. And, you know, this is everyone's last show. So say your goodbyes. Happy holidays. We'll see you soon. Grab your jeans and pull them up. Then you have a more than before. Now it may seem that your crotch is on fire. But your camel toe I cannot ignore.

So keep them high and tight, you sexy tiger. I wanna see those thighs explode. Now turn around so I can see your entire parking garage at the end of my road. And forgive me if you see my mouth walk. Don't mean to be rude, I just want you. Cause I've been starving myself, now I'm kind.

Thank you.