Raised by a MILF w/ Nick Thune | Your Mom's House Ep. 760
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You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. If you're Puerto Rican, you are just Puerto Rican. That's important. That was Rosie Perez. That was. She's very proud of being Puerto Rican. She talks about it all the time. She says she's Puerto Rican above everything else. For sure. Before being a woman, before being an American woman.

before being an actress, she's Puerto Rican. That's how I identify. If I were to... I'd be proud of it. It's pretty cool. If you were Puerto Rican? Yeah, I kind of wish I were. You don't feel like if you're Hungarian, you're just Hungarian? I mean, yeah, I am representing that culture. You know what I'm saying? Mi cultura, but...

I kind of like, I would rather be Puerto Rican or Mexican. I think I'd rather be Mexican, honestly, because I like their aesthetic a lot too. Yeah, you're an LA kid though. Right. Angelino, Cholo stuff is fun. What would you identify as if you didn't have to be Peruvian American? Maybe Italy. Oh, Italy. Italian. Italian.

I don't know. It's a fun culture. It is a fun culture. I like their food. I like their language. Oh my God. I took such a violent shit this morning. That's very nice. Thank you for sharing that. You know when you take one and like you keep thinking about it and you're like, how am I going to go on with my day? Yeah. Cause it was so, so violent. How are you going to go on with your day? I don't know. I'm still like, I don't know. I'm like still reminiscing about it, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you ever, I'm serious. Do you think about one, like when you have such a major one? Yeah. Sometimes there's massive ones that completely ruin your whole life. Yeah. It's traumatic. Yeah. Like I need to process it. Yeah. It's fucking wild. And you know what? You want to know something interesting? You know how women, when they get together, their cycles sync up? Yeah. Heather had diarrhea this morning too. Wow. So. I'm sure she wanted that out there. I know. Sorry. I just realized that like what I like in the world isn't what she likes. Hey, Heather. Sorry.

Hope your diarrhea is taking care of itself. Hey, Christina. Yeah.

That's pretty cool. Sorry, Heather. Yeah. Sorry, Heather. All right. Real quick, just so you know, June 7th, I'll be in Kansas City, Missouri at the Starlight Theater. June 8th, I'm in Camdenton, Missouri at Ozarks Amphitheater. June 12th, in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania at the Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza. What...

A mouthful, that is. Now, thank you so much, all of you, for going to the shows. Tickets are at TomScarrow.com slash tour. Chris Genza? Well, I'm going to add a bunch of other dates, but the Funny Bone in Orlando, Florida, August 16th and 17th is up for sale. Christina Peele.

ChristinaPion9.com. There you go. That's great. Just want to hold you, kiss you, Mark. Kissing you and holding you. All right, so there's dates. There's things you got to go see. Now, let's get into the show. Are you ready for the opening clip? Here you go. Always. Here you go. Yeah, what's up? I went to Twin Peaks restaurant yesterday because I heard there was a hot chick there. After I got her number, I ordered a chicken breast sandwich. I told her to...

Hold the chicken. You know what I'm saying? Who is running? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajitski. Welcome to your mom's house.

Oh, oh. Yep. I'll tell you what I'm working on in a minute. Fuck yeah. So you don't often get a white guy saying it, but you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? But I can tell you of all the cool guys we've had. Yeah. I think this guy actually fucks.

Oh. And I'll tell you why. Tell me. The gold chain. Wow. I was drawn to it too. Right? And like the shirtlessness. And look, his backyard, he has a backyard. Most of these cool guys. Horrible angle. For sure. It sucks. Yeah. But he don't care. Horrible angle. Poor lighting. He's backlit. It's fucking...

It's not good. It's not. But you think he actually delivers? It's not good, but I think he's actually cooler in real life. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he probably does get down some. Like he fucks. Like that's what you see when he's on top of you. That's what he's showing you. Yeah. He fucks. Wow. His name is Jerry. It's cool that you're attracted to him. I didn't say that. That is a version of saying it.

That's what you just said. You're reading into it. No, you're saying it. No, no. I'm saying as my dad is a cool guy. Yeah. I know all the signs. Do you know what I'm saying? Let's just put it this way. My dad was shirtless a lot in the 80s and lots of gold chains. Yeah. That's like the calling card. And this guy is probably the same age as my dad. Yeah. It's the generation that he's in. The boomer cool guy. Boomer cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he actually does have your dad's vibes. That's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? Tan, shirtless, got feathered gold. He's still blonde. He bleaches his hair.

- Yeah. - Oh, for sure. My dad would bleach his eyebrow, not bleach, sorry, dye his eyebrows when they were graying. And I don't think he knew how to do them well. - Of course. - 'Cause they just feel like smeared brown dye for days. I'm like, dude, that's not how you do it. Go to a professional. It's like I do it myself. I'm like, don't. - Yeah, it looks crazy. - Don't. You look crazy. - Do you think your dad would order a chicken breast sandwich and say, hold the chicken?

No, that's gay as fuck. Yeah, that's tacky. Yeah, that sucks. Hold the chicken. Hold the chicken. Just the tits. But do you think Top Dog would have said that? Yes. Yeah, and he would have been, he could never get through a line without, you know, feeling guilty or laughing. So he would have been like, chicken breast sandwich, hold the chicken.

That's how he would do it. Yeah. You see what I said there? Yeah. Yeah. He goes, cause it's a chicken. But you go, I fucking got it. Yeah. You don't have to explain it. God. God, my hands are sweating. When you did that, I got nervous for him. And then he'd tell you about it like 26 more times. Remember when I was in the restaurant? Yes. And you told him to hold the chicken on the chicken breast. I do remember.

So then I was just ordering a breast sandwich. Got it. Yeah. Are you explaining this to a fucking kindergartner? Yeah. Why are you saying it like this? Oh God, I'm so anxious. Do I repeat my stories a lot? I feel like I'm a repeater, but it's because I forget.

Yeah, but you have like the memory of someone with dementia. Like you've never had a great memory. I know. Ever. Goldfish. No, like ever. I know, but honestly, I think it's because I have so many holes in my brain from trauma. Childhood trauma. I think so too. I think a lot of kidnapping victims are like you because-

You were like this in your twenties and thirties. Yeah. Honestly, it's, it's because I, I do think like developmentally, I think I have trauma brain. Like I'm, I think you're actually, that's actually a good point. I've never thought of that until you said it. I have never thought of that until now. Oh yeah. Cause I, I had like little holes in my brain. Yeah. Yeah.

It's true. So you do, but it's kind of nice. It's also why you forget things. Yeah. Like Dory, you know, like every minute is a new minute. What was that? Hi. Hold the keys. And you're like, what's that?

Totes. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of nice. It is kind of nice. It works for me. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You know? You don't repeat. You have a memory of, it's unreal. You're like, June 2nd, 2011. I know. Five o'clock, we went here. I'm like, oh, wow. Is that good? You think it's a curse or is it a-

Well, I think it is a curse because forgetfulness. It's kind of nice. I kind of wish it wasn't so on point. You need to forget. Yeah, you need to forget to move on. Yeah. You might have that disease, a disorder that that famous actress had where she can recall everything. No, I know about that. Do you want to time out? Yeah, there's about 11 people on earth with that. You don't think you have that? Fuck no. What they have is.

is a true curse. It's actually not. I mean, it's cool to watch for a second. It's this, I forget the actual name of it. It's a neurological condition where they have photographic memories of every second of their life, of every single second. You can read off...

a 45 digit number and they're not, oh, I'm trying to remember the number. They just go, they'll just read it back to you. Yeah, a further graphic memory. There it is. Hyperthymesia, also known as highly superior autobiographical memory. I would kill myself if I had this. Rare condition lets people remember almost every event in their life with great detail, including exact dates. No thanks.

- Yeah, the exact cause of hyperthymesia is unknown, but some theories suggest it may be biological, genetic, or psychological. There's no way it's psychological. - No way, Jose. - As of 2021, only 62 people in the world have been diagnosed with the condition. Yeah, that's like ever.

So rad. Yeah. The reason, the funny thing is that she was an actress. Most of the other people are not. Yeah. So she would read a script once. It's amazing. Yeah. What a great, yeah. To be an actor. Like for real. Read it once. And then she was like, yeah, I got it. Yeah. I can't memorize scripts to save my life. If I didn't write it, I can't remember. She could also remember, you know, exact things that everybody said in a conversation. I'd kill myself. So if you go, well, remember that day I said, and she would go like, no, this is exactly what you said. Yeah.

like that's kind of creepy. Torture. Yeah. Fucking, and what a nightmare to be married to somebody like that. I know. Cause then you're like, remember that time? Yeah, we fought and then you said, and she's like, no, I remember what the fuck you said, you asshole. Cause you have to forget to forgive. I,

And thankfully, cause I'm a Dory. Like I, for, I don't know what you said to me 10 years ago. You said you have to forget to forgive, but the expression is I'll forgive. Never forget. Never forget. You should always remember what your spouse did and bring it up constantly. That's how marriages stay healthy and they thrive. I know. It really makes you understand when you hear about somebody who's fucking head getting put through a wall though, you know?

It's because somebody's like, hey, remember? And they're like, yeah, I fucking remember you. It's just, bam. Yeah.

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21 and over.

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No, because those are the worst marriages when I... Yeah, we've literally ordered them before. Oh my God. On both sides, to the left and the right. And there was fucking 18 inches between our homes. And you just hear... And you're like, holy... Or when the spouse is telling a story and then the other one's like, no, you didn't order the chicken salad. You had the marinara sauce on the thing, remember? And you're like, shut up. It's like, why is it an important thing to correct them on? Yeah. Yeah.

an asshole i know i hate it so much dude who you marry is everything it can fuck your life up so hard yeah that fucking man it's the most important decision you're gonna make is who you fucking marry both of those by the way that we live next door to yeah over here was a real see you next tuesday yeah the girl yeah wait wait which one you're thinking of sorry

I know, I know. Hold on. Shit. We need codes. The water slide family? The water slide family? The pool family? Yeah. She was a see you next. That's what I just said. To him. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then on the other side, he had a real fucking animal. They would...

throw things at each other. They're violent. I'm taking a train back to Pennsylvania. And by the way, like, you know, a woman being violent too, just for this, like, you know, without getting into too much detail, there was a woman in this scenario who was violent. I'd be taking a pee in our bathroom and I would hear them. Yeah. And you're like, Jesus Christ. But it was because alcohol was involved. I know, but you would hear this woman go, oh, you fucking ungrateful little shit. And you're like,

And then you just hear like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And you're like, holy fuck. Yeah. That was scary. Yeah. And that's weird because like I grew up in like a kind of a shitty apartment complex. Like I should have been hearing a lot of that there. And we weren't in a low, we were in a tiny guest house in a very high income place. Do you know what I mean? Like I'd hear drunk people yelling and stuff. Yeah.

but not like that. Like violence. That's weird. I didn't hear a lot of that, you know? Yeah. Which goes to show like your socioeconomic status, I guess doesn't affect that domestic violence. No, it happens at all. It happens at every level for sure. I just thought rich people had such great lives. Like, why are you so angry? Where are you? But apparently not. There's domestic violence there for sure. It happens at everywhere. The thing is that like usually at that level, um,

like the higher end of the economic ladder, it just goes like unreported and, or it goes without punishment a lot of times. You know what I mean? Like that, that car is not going to get called. And if it does, the cop's going to be like a lot more forgiving. Traditionally they'll go like everything. All right. And it's like, yep. And they're like, okay, good to see you, Mr. Johnson.

Just neighbors were saying there was a little bit of a ruckus. And he's like, yeah, I know. The kids are acting up. And they're like, okay. But if it's like a poor neighborhood, then they're just like, get the fuck out of here. And they kick the door. Move out of the way, bitch. And they fucking just go in there and they don't give a fuck. I mean, that's just how it is. Even if the cops do come to the poor neighborhood.

I don't know. Yeah. Because I remember like when I lived in the apartment complex with my mom in the valley. Yeah. Like it was all, it was all immigrants and single mothers. It was like total fucking lower middle class stuff. And if some motherfucker, I remember like if somebody, this drunk woman one night, she was like, like screaming, like it was two in the morning. And my mother was like, what the fuck is this bitch doing? Let's go see. Yeah. And I was like, let's go see. And I was maybe eight years old, like Ellis's age. And she, she,

Took you? At two in the morning. And we just walked to this woman's front door. And my mother was like, what's going on with you? Why are you screaming? She's like, I dropped my ring down the toilet. I dropped my ring. I'm trying to get my ring. And my mom was like, well, you need to shut up. We can't sleep. I was like, dude, that's like how you regulate. Yeah, your mom's crazy for doing that. Yeah.

But what was she going to do? I know, but still it's like two in the morning to go find, let's find where this screaming's coming from. It's bananas. She was very confrontational. I know. That could have gone. That's what I'm saying. It's real risky. I know. I remember one time when I lived in this, uh, uh, apartment complex in Carolina. Um,

I'm in my room and I hear a woman just screaming and then the guy screaming. And I realize we're in the apartment complex and it's happening. I'm up here. It's happening below right to the apartment next to us. So I call 911 because it's going on and it's crazy. And I'm like, yeah, you know, it's chaotic. And I hear this fighting going on.

and they're asking me all these details. And then I'm like, and the craziest part is like, I'm rock hard too. To hear her scream like that. - Oh yeah. - And then I tell the 911 operator. - Yeah. - You know? - Yeah, you're like, I'm so fucking hard. - I'm so turned on. And she's like, oh baby. And then she talks me through it. It was cool. - What a weird night. - It was weird. But the police came in and then the guy, the cop,

He went over there and then he came over to our place and he was like, I heard about how you turned on your arm. Yeah. And then...

Yeah. And then what happened? He kissed me. Yeah. That's so hot. Yeah. And you guys went for it? Well, I held his gun and he jacked me off. That's amazing. Yeah. What a good, what city is this? I can't say, but it was in North Carolina. Wow. Well, it's a good police department, North Carolina. Yeah. It's a great state. And did he call in the other guys to come and get in on it too? Like did he radio his friends? No, he just kept it. He's like, this is our little secret. And then he whispered in my ear and I was like, okay.

What a story. Yeah, that was a crazy story. By the way, speaking of hard-ons, did you know that, because I was in Carolina recently and we're in Texas, that you can't go straight to Pornhub anymore in certain states? You're in Texas as well. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. People are devastated. Carolina, Texas. Like if you go to Pornhub, can you pull that up? This is very upsetting news. We're in Texas. This is what you get. And you get a similar thing in...

In North Carolina, I don't know how many states, but as you know, your elected officials in Texas are requiring us to verify your age before allowing you to access. Not only does this impinge on the rights of adults to access protected speech, it fails strict scrutiny by employing the least effective and yet most restrictive means of accomplishing Texas's stated purpose of allegedly protecting mothers.

minors. So this is a whole statement about that. And then if you scroll down, I believe what I was told is that you have to like, you have to like use your ID. I think you have, I think you actually have to like scan your driver's license, which sounds like,

Insane to me. And then they know exactly what your Jane or D2. I mean, you have to give your driver's license to fucking... To jerk off? Yeah. That is wild. Is that what it is? Is that what you're doing? Is that what you have to do? Yeah. Or, I mean, I think there's some workarounds for like, like it says here, content partners. So if you're like uploading stuff or you can just use a VPN. Oh, right. So what happens if you, if you hit...

If you want to see this site, what do you have to do? You have to sign in? Yeah, sign in. And to sign in, do you have to give a license or you just create a profile? Let me check. Here's what I also want to know. How many states are doing this?

It makes sense that they would do the license thing. That's how they do it on gambling sites. Really? They're just making porn sites like gambling sites, I guess. I guess you're okay. Yeah, how many states are there? It says Texas, Utah, Arkansas, Virginia, Montana, and North Carolina. Okay, so not that many. One, two, three, four, five, six. That's still so fucking nuts. I mean, I get Utah. But again, the workaround, it's like, okay. Montana's kind of surprising. There's like 100 people there. Why do they give a fuck?

Yeah, it must be conservative. I guess Utah's religious. We know that I'm gonna fuck a horse up here me Carolina. Yeah, it is. It's just moral policing, you know So yeah

Yeah. So ExpressVPN, if you don't know, any of the good VPNs, what it does is it reroutes your, what's it called? Your IP. So you essentially are tricking their page into thinking like that you're not here. It was like, oh, this, this is somewhere else. Right. So you're, you're

it's a, it's a workaround for seeing, usually you, you go like, Oh, Hey, you're, you're in India. You want to access, um, a different nations, uh,

Netflix, you can do that with your VPN. So this is another thing you can do with a VPN is not let Texas know you're in Texas or Utah or Virginia or Arkansas, North Carolina. And I encourage you to do that. Fuck those places for trying to police you. Yet on Twitter, you can see anything. Are they policing that too? I mean, it's so easy to see pornography online.

I don't even let our kids on YouTube because there's that maniac making videos of his asshole that we play. I'm like, do you know what I mean? They're like, can we go on YouTube? I'm like, no, if you know what's on there. Yeah, no kid should see that. Don't let your kids on YouTube. You see that fucking guy fingering his own butt. And also under the, hey, this is informative. Yeah, nonsense. Get out of here, dude. Get out of here. I'm just trying to teach people about how to wax your asshole. Okay, thank you.

such a fucking... Yeah. Tom, do you want to show the video I made of our guest bathroom? We talked about it last time. I just want to follow up you guys. Here's an actual video of the guest bathroom we talked about. It's kind of an homage to Top Dog. Yeah, so this used to be a space that was just kind of like storage and...

We did something in the guest bathroom and then all of a sudden we had no guest bathroom on the floor of our house. So we went for, we're like, let's make it a guest bathroom. And then we were like, why don't we try to make it fun? Yeah. Why do something? Two comedians. So it's also, it's accompanied with the screams of our children in the background. So no, this is the good part. You can actually see what it's like to use our bathroom. This is exactly what it's like to be in our home. This is the nightmare of my life.

There's the true mirror. There's my dad saying, "Oh, I hate shitting on planes." Yeah. And there's Julian, "Hey, mom." It took me... And there's the toilet with the bidet. So if you come to shit in our house, there's the remote. This is my dad. He can sing, "As much as I enjoy taking a shit," which I really do.

Yeah. So there it is. There's the guest bathroom. It took me, I took me about four takes to do it because Julian will not let me out of his sight for more than 15 seconds. That's what you heard. I'm like, I don't leave. Yeah. Why do you guys think I leave? If I leave, I'll fucking tell you stop. Sometimes screams. Alice is in the living room and I go to our room. Yeah. Hello dad.

I go, yeah. He goes, oh, I just didn't know if you were here. I go, do you think I left the house, dude? I'll never leave you, I promise. I just walked out of the house. He was like, I just didn't hear you for a second. I go, okay. I didn't know. Okay. You know what's fun? Yeah. I totally let them do stuff that you won't let them do. And then I'm like, listen, when dad comes back.

What? Like what? You're going to get upset. That's okay. So like water balloons, I let them hit like our garbage cans, like a target practice. It doesn't bother me. You sure? Yeah. I was like, oh, no, that's not true. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I let them like target practice.

And then they're making a potion in the front with a hose and like a cooler. Yeah. And they dug up our dirt in our landscaping and they ripped up some of our landscaping plants. Yeah, that would have bothered me. But I told them to stop when it was getting out of control because it always gets out of control. It starts off as a fun game and then it escalates into chaos. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. Yeah. And then my dad comes back. Can't do this one. Okay. Yeah.

It's really cool. Hey, you ruined the landscaping of the house. Yeah. Dad's not a fan. Dad's not a fan. But don't you remember doing that as a kid and thinking it was like the most fun? Yeah. It's so fun to dig dirt and like make potions and throw shit in the water. Yeah. And I can't deny that. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, let's take a quick break. Okay. And we'll be back here in a moment. Where is my... Right after these words. Right after these words. I don't have the... Whatever, man. Whatever. You better get your life... Oh, it's fine. It's fine. Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack.

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon. Spend less, smile more.

Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

And we're back, and it's time to welcome for the first time, give it up real big for the great Nick Thune, everybody. Yeah, dude. Thank you. So glad you're here. Yeah, first time. First time. Also, though, we were just talking about, and I had actually thought about this separate from you being here today, about comedians with great style. Oh. And dude, you've got to be in the running. I mean-

Come on. I hope so. Yeah. You've always had it. I don't know when they're going to let us know. They're never going to tell us. Yeah. Because they don't care about us enough to tell us. It would be great if there was some sort of an article or anything. That would mean so much to me. Hair. Yeah. The clothing choices. Shoes. Tags.

Your whole vibe. The whole vibe is very stylish. And I would argue too, like you were cool when you were in your 20s and now you're even cooler because you've got these cool finger tattoos I see. It's low key. You've got a gold tooth thing. They're all henna.

Wow. The glasses are like fashion forward, but are they also glasses? They're glasses. Wow. There's a bit of a contact shortage going on right now. I don't know if you guys dabble in contacts. No, I don't. I mean, at least that's what my eye doctor is telling me. Yeah, I've never worn contacts. So I am waiting for the delivery. They're on their way. Yeah.

I love it if anybody wanted to donate their contacts to me to wear. - Just to borrow even. - How bad is your vision? - Emergency contacts. - Is your vision bad? - It's horrible, yeah. - Has it always been shitty? - Yeah, since I was young. It's funny too because I saw a photo of me, my baseball picture when I was 11 and I'm wearing glasses

And I now coach my son's soccer team and there's a kid that wears glasses and it's like, oh, that's the glasses kid. Yeah, yeah. You know the glasses kid. I didn't know I was the glasses kid. But the same thing though, I had these circle glasses that I guess I'm wearing right now. But you know when you go into like the attendance office at your school and you're like waiting and they have like last year's yearbook on the coffee table. I was like, oh, let me tell you, look. And I get to my page and my photo is circled

And with a line in it says, Mouse Boy. Wow. No other markings in the whole book. In the whole book, just Mouse Boy. Mouse Boy. And I had these in my ears, you know, I mean. You fast forward many years and you're a comedian. Yes. That makes sense. So made you. But back to your fashion sense. Was this always an intuitive thing? Because I do remember, I remember actually being in Silver Lake, man, like close to 20 years ago.

seeing you there at the, remember the back, what is it called? The back breakfast? Oh, the back door bakery. Oh, so good. And I was like, who's this fucking cool cat? Yeah. I have some memories from that back door bakery. Me too. Yeah. The food was amazing. I felt like it was the filthiest place on earth. It was. Yeah. I've worked in restaurants and I know filth when I see it. The floors were dirty. But it was delicious filth. The pancakes crushed.

All the pastries were amazing. The scones? They had an orange almond croissant that I'll never forget. They had a croissant. They also made this croissant breakfast sandwich with the fried egg. And they had the grilled onions that had some type of...

to it that kind of caramelized them out of this world, then BriBri would always get the pancakes because they had the fruit compost thing and he would eat like fucking three and he weighed like 150 pounds. Oh yeah, we all kind of did. Jesus Christ. Now I'm on the Ozempics. I ate three meals.

this week and I was very upset with myself. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why are you eating so much? Three meals a day is for pigs. Three meals a day or just this week? Well, well, this week. Yeah, I was very, and then I had half a Pop-Tart and I flogged myself for that one. And that's just because the movie's coming out and you're getting excited. I know. Yeah.

But back to what I was saying. Yeah. You had a fashion forward then. Do you feel like you were, were you inspired? I know you're from Seattle, right? So like, yeah, that's a whole scene. Did that influence? The style up there is no good. Well, it was like, it was a singular kind of thing though, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but if you walk around up there, you're just like, oh Jesus, what's going on? Like,

You know, like people like Fridays, like wear your Seahawks jersey to work day. And like, everyone's doing that. And it's like, you don't have to do that. You don't have to wear that. But sorry. No, I, I,

I just realized at some point when I like, you know, it's like when you see somebody that's in good shape and you're like, I wonder what they did. Like, you know, I've actually like asked a guy like, what are you doing? He's like, I swim. I'm like, oh, well, I'm not going to do that. But yeah. What else? Yeah. Yeah. But you figure it out. And I just remember like I saw somebody that was like dress well and I was like,

I want to have clothes like that. Right. Just to wear around. And what if they were comfortable? Sure. So then I just started finding clothes that I liked. And did you actually talk to somebody? Did you go up to somebody? Where'd you get that? Yeah. See, that's what's smart. That's the thing about life. It doesn't matter whether you're talking about clothes or...

or career stuff or whatever, it's always the person who goes, yeah, I just walked up and I asked somebody. - Yeah. - 'Cause everybody walks around going like, I can't ask somebody that. - No. - Or I don't wanna look stupid or I don't wanna, that's what you gotta do. You just gotta walk up to people and be like, hey, I gotta ask.

How'd you do that? 95% of people will be like, oh, yeah, here, let me tell you. I do that with happiness. I saw this guy. He just looked so happy. And I walked up to him and I said, what'd you do? And he said, I'm seven years old. Yeah. And I said, well, how'd you do that? Yeah. Seven is. Do you remember how happy you could be as a kid? How do I get back to that? Yeah. Yeah. Playing in the. You know what? Playing outside.

Like sometimes you see these fucking people on social media and they're just like dancing in a public square. And they post it and you're like, this fucking idiot. And then you realize they're so happy. Dude, fucking our kid, our five-year-old listens to pop music a lot, which I'm like, I don't really like. Anyway, it's this Justin Timberlake song called,

about dancing and it's in my soul it's in my I'm happy and I'm like dude I never feel like that like I listen to that music and it makes me angry because it's so disjointed with how I feel inside Jesus Christ well yeah it's just not a resonant I mean look I like Bauhaus because that resonates with you know the vibe inside I mean I'm more of a I like Justin Timberlake's acting stuff but his music you lost me at that yeah I like his acting stuff too I like watching him I'm a J Tim fan I don't care

Do you feel happy when you listen? Well, he has very fun, catchy songs. So the song that he's talking about... It's in the Trolls movie. He asks me to play it all the time. I can't believe I can't think of it right now. Isn't that the I'm Happy? Isn't that Pharrell? That's Pharrell. This is a different song. It's in my bones. I'm dancing in the motherfucker. Will you look it up, Justin Timberlake? It's in the Trolls movie. This is the thing with age, though. It's the same thing with fashion. Like you...

I now can remember like, oh, hey, remember this made you happy. And then you could do this when you're not happy. You know? Oh, right. And you like learn over time like, oh, when I go camping like once a month, that does kind of keep me. Yes. Grounded and happy. Can't stop the feeling. Yeah. That's what it is. That's what it is. Can't stop the feeling. Yeah. No, yeah. That's a fun song. I mean, that song makes you also think of other songs that are in that. Yeah.

Yeah. Genre. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's very like Michael Jackson esque kind of song. Yes. Where it's, it's pop, it's dance. It has great rhythm. You know, it's a, yeah. So a kid is going to hear that and be like. No, it's good. It's a sign that our sign is good. A son has good mental health. Yeah. If our kid was saying like, well, this does not resonate with how I feel inside. Yeah. Yeah. Alarming thing for a five-year-old. Yeah. It's funny to let them make a playlist. Yeah.

I do. We do. Yeah. And the songs that come up on that are just like, the funny thing is when you have, like we have two and they're two and a half years apart and you realize that one of them just fucking loves music. And you're like, this is the younger one loves music. Always is requesting play the song, play that song makes playlists. And he's like, here's songs goes, will you put this on my playlist? All this. And then the other one's just like, yeah, whatever. Like you,

You can just tell he just could be a psycho. It could be. Yeah, it could be. He just doesn't. He's basically like, yeah, yeah, this is all right. Yeah. He doesn't think about the people, you know, now that don't like music. Oh, did I know? I know. I can't imagine. So troubling. There's some people that I know that I'm like, they just don't care.

I know. I couldn't even know who they're, what band they would like to go see. I know. And it's like, or when someone, when I go, what's, who's your favorite band? I don't know. I listened to everything, everything. You don't have a, an inclination towards one part. Like that to me means you don't really love anything.

If you love everything. Yeah, but what if you like, what if your favorite bagels and everything bagels? That's the deliciousest one though. I do love that. I'm a salt bagel guy, to be honest. Wow. Well, because the everything bagel destroys your breath for the entire day. The garlic. Oh, it's done. God. If we talk about bread enough, I think you could just get me to go, hey man, just fucking throw in the towel. Give up and just go, just get a bakery and move in there.

Just weigh 400 pounds. Who are you kidding? Just go for it. Bread is so... I mean, when you get... When somebody brings bread, like the... What's that place that has like the bread that's like the shitty TGI Fridays or whatever? Panera bread? No, like the dark bread that's at like...

I don't even know. Cheesecake factory. Cheesecake factory bread. The dark bread. Yeah. With the seeds on top, like the sunflower seeds stuck to it. I don't know what seed. There's something on it, but it is. You can buy it, actually. You can buy it at stores. It's so disappointing. Oh, fuck off. Yeah, this sucks. Yuck. No. Take that off. This is the most offensive thing you've ever put on this screen. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. Can you email me that link?

Ugh. Our friend. So upsetting. How long are you here in town? Five hours. Five hours? Oh my God. I'm just coming. I was like, I'll just do a layover. Fuck. I wonder if they're, what day is it? Monday. I wonder if they're open. Man. Wolf and Wheat. Yeah, that crushes. Our friends, Phillip and Margarita, they're both chefs. And she's a pastry baker who is unbelievably talented.

Let's take a look at some of these pics. Bro, she makes this. That's her. She makes this sourdough that is. Oh, I love a sourdough. You'll rip your tits off. It's so good. So you can get them fresh from her, but she also, she dropped off. It was made that day. And then she was like, just put it in the oven for, I forget, like.

a few minutes at four. So it comes out like you just baked it, like warm. And it's very hard to not devour the entire loaf of bread. - Sourdough's good for you though. - That's what I told myself as I ate it. And it was coated in butter. - That brown bread. There was this awful restaurant in LA called The Good Earth in the '80s, where it was like the first health food restaurant. And that's the shit they served you. Just high fiber. It's high fiber, yeah?

It's not good, that brown bread. I don't know if there's fiber in that at all, to be honest. There's nothing in it. I don't know. Whenever they try to spin that this bread is good for you, you're like, okay, sure, I'll eat it. I mean, sourdough, I don't know what it is about it, but that was also what people got really into making over the pandemic. I can't do it.

Yeah, that was a thing. Tom Papa. I got to say, I got to give him his props though. I'd heard about it and then he gave me one and I'm like, you make bread, dude? And then he dropped it off and I was like, this is unbelievable. It's so good. It looks like it tastes good. Yeah. It's really good. It'd be great if he gave me some. He didn't give you any? He hasn't given me any. Wow. Yeah. That's hateful. What part of town are you in? Silver Lake. I'm too far east. I haven't left since you saw me. That's just...

I probably saw you there honestly in like- - I actually live right there now. I just moved to a house right there. - Really? - Right in that same neighborhood, yeah. Where you saw me. - You know what I heard? - I loved living there. - We loved it. - I loved living there. - I heard they took out the aggressive gay bar next to the Trader Joe's. We used to walk past it and they had- - TJ's? What was it called? - Every fucking Tuesday was- - Oh, Rim Job Tuesdays. - Yeah. - But what was the name of the bar? - Next to Trader Joe's. - MJ's, MJ's. - MJ's, that's right. - Oh, now that's a tenant of the trees.

One time, because we'd heard about it, we would walk down. It was Hyperion, right? It was Hyperion. Mm-hmm.

And she was like, I went into that gay bar today, MJ's. I go, how was it? She goes, there's a giant picture of just a guy's asshole over the bar. And I was like, that's what's up. That's what you got to respect. They're like, this is what we do here. It's so cool. And then the bathroom stalls are like, please don't fuck in the bathroom stalls. Yeah. I'm like, this place crushes. Yeah. And it's not even like a don't. It's just please don't. Yeah. Please. If you have to. Be considerate. We don't want to mop up Jim's.

Yeah. We do. We do. This is all right. We got a guy that he actually looks forward to it. I miss that neighborhood. You look amazing. Do you do self-care stuff? Like, do you really go over the top with it? My ex-mother-in-law was really into face lotion. Is that one of the secrets? And she told me in my 20s, she was like, if you just put lotion on your face every day, then you won't, you know. Wow. And I don't know. I mean, I'm 45, you know, so...

What were you thinking? You look like a baby, 35. How many decades older do I look than Nick? Oh, my God. Do you put motion on? No. No, but here's the... Regularly? No, but I started to. I started to travel with it. Good. I travel with one that has...

It's like a lotion that also has 45 SPF in it. Oh, yeah. So if you're traveling, you want to you get your skin from flying. It just gets so dehydrated. Yeah. But yeah, I have that. And I even have like I mean, this is so dumb, but like under eye cream. Yeah. I don't even know what it does. But as part of my routine, no, I just put it on when I run out. I order more and I don't know what's happening. That's great. That's great. You look great. Check out this fucking guy.

He's 57. I saw, I've seen this guy, yeah. Wash my face with cold water. I drink an anti-aging smoothie. Fruits and vegetables. Number nine. Positive mindset. Having good mental health. Lots of smiles. There's moments where it really comes out. Skin care. Discover these five tips to turn back the clock. Okay. And Botox filler. Plastic surgery. Yeah. Yeah.

Those eyebrows. There are just like little moments where you catch the 50. Yeah. I saw some 50. And then you change the swing. And it's not the hair. I mean, the hair that he's got that we don't know what's under that. I don't know what that is at all. Plus, I think having kids ages you so much too. Like you don't sleep. I haven't slept really in eight years. You know? That's why you got to get divorced. Yeah.

Get those weekends free. You get half, you know, 50%. By the way, I've never, we have like videos and then there's like, you know, the what, like the details of it. It just says Edson Brandow, who is a 57 year old health and fitness creator. Who's gay. We guessed. And an author about biohacking books. He's written includes smoothies, rejuvenate your body and mind.

The most effective way to lose weight and detox and young after 50. Okay. I really loved it. It was like, here's this guy. He's also gay. Yeah. So not important to what this is. So have that, know that while you're reading the rest of this. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. This is. But you know who wrote it? It's crazy Tanner. Did Tanner write it? He lived in a bin. Yeah. Tanner's our chief researcher here. Yeah.

Makes sense. Oh, wait, that's on zero. That's you guys' description. That's zero relevance to this. Hey, here's a guy who's talking about, he's also gay. I wish that it just said like this gay dude who talks about it. Jesus, that's hilarious, man. We get it. Oh, fuck. Very cool. And the hair too. I mean, what does the hairline look like without the bangs being pushed forward? Yeah.

- We know, we know your secrets bro. - But you know what? Let's give them his props. - But here's what you can do. Whiten your teeth, always whiten your teeth. Get your eyebrows done. They look neat. Good eyewear, good hair, makes a diff. - Yeah, it makes a big diff. - The teeth thing is a big taking care of your teeth. I don't, I should be doing a lot more. My dad has had to have like a ton of- - Dental work? - Dental work recently, yeah. And he's like, "Please just don't be this when you get older."

- Really? - Yeah. And it's so simple. You just go in and get them checked and you know. - Sure. It is like this easy thing to delay though. Everyone's like, "Do it every six months." And you're like, "Eh, maybe nine months, maybe a year." And then all of a sudden it's 18 months and it's easy. - Six months is aggressive. I say once a year, fine. - See, that's the bullshit about glasses is they make you redo this every year.

Or else you can't buy them, which is like, what do you, you think I'm going to go out and overdose on glasses? Like I just let me all decide when I need more. Yeah. You know, like in Japan, you can just go like to a kiosk and just without any prescription and just say what you want. Yeah. Because who's lying? Yeah. Why? Yeah.

No one's lying. It's a scam. So glasses are relatively new to me. It's only a few years where I was like, oh shit, I'm squinting to read things. And then I've had every year, they're like, oh, you need to up it a little bit. So I just got these and I was like, oh, can I get the prescription, like what my prescription is now for glasses? And they were like, yeah, we'll send it to you. And I was like, I can't leave here with it. And they're like, we'll send it through an email. And then I go-

So I don't even know what I'm through a quarter pointed. Yeah. And I was like, this is very strange. And that, well, they, they allowed me to buy that from them and get them. And then they were like, yeah, we'll send them to you. And then the next day I was like, Hey, no one sent it to me.

And they were like, oh, yeah, we'll send that to you. And then they sent it and they go, but you have to log in through like a portal. The fucking portals. It's because they don't, they want you to order everything from them. I know. They don't want you to be like, no, I just got these glasses at this other place and I want them to fulfill my prescription. Right. Because that's where the money is, is getting the glasses. Yeah. Oh, so expensive for frames. Holy cow. It's a lot. Yeah. You gotta be kidding. And then they're like, do you want like...

the lame bullshit level glasses or do you want like some good ones? Do you want to be able to wear these if you star in a movie? Yeah. They're camera ready and they're scratch resistant. And then they keep offering like, do you want them to have the light reflective thing or do you want like shitty light to hit your eyes? That's how they, and you're like, no, I want the light reflective thing. Well, no, it is, but it, you know, it,

Like all of my glasses, I get them like camera so they can be on camera because that's a big thing. Like the reflection on the screen. Yeah, but it's just like here's how we up the price, right? So then you go, cool, you just have a pair of glasses. They're like, that's fucking $3,000. You're like, great. I know, it's such a fucking lot. I finally got a pair tinted. I was like, just tint them a little bit so I don't have to feel like I'm always –

Being seen. Yeah, that's nice. Like when I travel I like that a little bit more than just like, you know wearing full sunglasses Yeah, which is what I really would like to do. Uh-huh so that nobody could see me hide. Yeah Nice how long have you been divorced five years? Mm-hmm. How does it feel five years it it's good. I

The relationship is great. It's to me, I mean, I'm really in love with my life. You know, like I made a lot of changes five years ago. So I got sober, divorced, like everything at once. Like just like let me just clean everything up and start over. Wow. Yeah.

That's awesome. And it's good. I mean, it's my time with my son is I love it so much. And I, when I see families that can do it, I'm like, I wish that I wish I could have done that, you know? Yeah. But I really do. When people are like, God, I wish I could sleep. I'm like, just get divorced. Get that rest. It is really, it's, it's exhausting parenting. It is. Yeah. It's constant too. And I also hate people that are, that sit behind parenting. Like it's the hardest thing in the world because people that don't have kids, they're just like,

I don't care.

Yeah, they don't care. They don't care. You did that to yourself. Yeah, we did do it to ourselves, definitely. I know. You truly have to own it. It didn't just happen to you. Then there's people who also try to claim that multiple kids just happened. Oh, my God. One oopsie, I get. I just had a friend that had their fourth. Oopsie? Yeah. No, they wanted it. So you've had it three times, and you know what you're getting into, and you wanted that again. Yeah.

I know. I just had a friend my age who had her fifth. And yeah, three years ago. So she had 44, got pregnant with her fifth boy. Fifth boy. Imagine that, dude. That's crazy. Like two boys is like 20 dogs. Like they're just insane. Tearing up your house. Three kids. I don't know how people do it.

I don't know how. How do you... It's amazing having one kid. It's so... I coach a soccer team. I'm like super involved. I couldn't imagine being like, and I got to go hang out with the other one now. And then you multiply that? Yeah. No, dude. No. Two is enough. I think two is good. Right? Because you're still... There's always like...

When I'm alone with them on the weekends, like we take turns traveling. So Tom will be alone or I'll be alone. And I counted my steps yesterday. Like just being a mom, 7,000 steps. Just like up at six, just walking to the kitchen, going downstairs, making a grilled cheese. I'm hungry again, making more stuff, you know, all day. You're just going. It's a lot.

Yeah, it's exhausting. Yeah, weekends with- You don't lay down much. Yeah, weekends with two of them is fucking, yeah, it's crazy, bro. That's a lot on one person. When people have two kids, like I dated somebody that had two kids and I just had my one and it was like obvious the difference. It's like-

Yeah, that's hard. That's way harder. Yeah, this is super easy. But then don't you feel like one kid always needs your undivided attention? Like at least with two boys, I could be like, okay guys, piss off, go play on the fucking front lawn, go destroy my property. Just go. That is the one bummer. Yeah. Cause then they're always like, what are we doing now? How about now? Like, do you just watch a ton of movies?

We're just always doing stuff for sure. But I don't I feel guilty if I'm inside with him. Yeah. Like I'm like we got to go somewhere. Even it's like let's just go to the bookstore or whatever. Like we got to go and do stuff. Yeah. But I'm so used to it. Yeah. But yeah if he had another kid to play with. But now he has friends. That's nice. Which is like can I go to so-and-so's house. It's like yeah great. So they'll be in charge of you for. This is great. Yeah.

How do you schedule? Is it tough to schedule road stuff? Do you have to like, yeah, it, I mean, I just take, I just accept things and then have to rearrange everything. But my ex is really great about like, if I don't, if I can't be there, you know, she wants to have them. She wants to have them all the time. Yeah. You know,

Just like any parent would. So it's like, great. That's awesome, man. You guys live nearby. You're close. Yeah. Close enough. Yeah. Yeah. He goes to school in my area because it's kind of a cool school, but yeah, but like he's in public school, which is like, thank God I have friends that are like, they live in places where they're just like, you can't do public school. And it's like, that's 40 grand a year. Oh yeah. It's like, whoa. Okay. Yeah. It's real. LA fucks a lot of people though.

like school districts. Oh yeah. Then you get like the, the really special ones that are like everyone, people move to that neighborhood to go to that school. That's where I'm at. Yeah. Yeah. But, but then the private schools, I remember in our neighborhood before we moved here, they're like, well, you need to get on the wait list three years before kindergarten. And I'm like, wait, what? And then he'll sign his anti-racism pledge as a kindergartner and he will begin school. Oh. And then they asked me what my kindergartners pronouns were.

And this was just like the local private school down the street. I'm like, I don't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know where his asshole is yet. He doesn't think about pronouns. Like, fuck you. It was so funny. Like last week, my son got kicked out.

by a kid in a soccer game and I like went out there I was like you alright and he goes she kicked me and I go he and he goes they kicked me ew he like like it went to like I was like it's like we're all boys on the field right now you know so let me correct him then he just like he was like no actually let me do you one better on that wow hey smart kid though yeah dang yeah that's true

Fuck. That ain't happening in Texas, though, I'll tell you. No. They don't play. They haven't brought that up here yet. Nope, that hasn't made it. Fuck. That's funny, man.

Well, how good are you with accents? Are you pretty good? So bad. Really? I had to do, I've had so many, I've had to turn down so many auditions and so many parts, even like parts, like, because I'm like, I just can't do it. Really? Yeah. And I'm not going to try. Cause it's embarrassing. That means your ear probably isn't very tuned at decipher. Like, are you bad? If someone has a strong accent at understanding what they're saying?

I do put on a lot of subtitles for sure. Yeah, yeah. Me too. I do it too. Sometimes they send us these videos and it's somebody speaking English but with a strong accent. And then we try to decipher. I don't know if it's strong or not. I haven't played it yet. So this is a bakery, I guess, that they're making their...

their uh promo for their what they make there let's see for anybody that's been watching us for a pretty while up here in shetland we had to shut down the shop and the tank but today we open up we are with fresh he embed homebooks just look at them either so good we've even got a crookie in yonder there's everything you can possibly imagine in shetland where's shetland honestly the that's shetland the first like

four seconds I was like oh is this Latvian like I didn't know it was English at first this shit looks good though it does look really good the northeast is the one that really gets me really yeah like Maine that's a weird one for me it really kind of

Does weird shit to my ears. There's a, I think that's kind of in the region. It was called like the mid Atlantic accent. Yeah. So they have, that's where they say like one instead of on, you know, remember that clip of that one was like typo negative. It's my favorite band. I don't know how they talk. Type O negative. Type O negative. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird. A little like the Pittsburgh. Yeah. Yeah. That's a yinz. Yeah. Yinz. Don Ton.

i remember i had to do a jag offs that movie walk hard you know yeah i love that movie i went i went in and like read for a part in that and um it had to be a southern accent it was like a guy in the band or something i think actually like matt besser ended up getting the role or something but

I got a laugh in my audition that I know was not based off of my comedic paralysis. Really? It was basically like, wow. You can't do this accent. This guy is, and he looks like he's trying. Yeah. He walked into a building and said, I can do this. How is it? Cause you've done a lot of acting work. Yeah. None of them are accent. But are you, are you somebody that like, I've heard all these things about,

actors with auditions are you somebody that like embraces the audition or because I feel like the natural thing is everybody goes there's audition and they're like oh fuck like that's what I think everybody does like fucking audition yeah the first time you hear about it it's like okay

And then you start doing it and then you're like, okay, yeah, yeah, I can do this. And then when you're driving away from doing it, you're like, I'm so glad I did that. Like, I'm glad that I put everything into that and walked out of it. Cause at each time, you know, it's like doing an open mic or something when you're like learning comedy. It's like, that's if you're not, I actually heard Michael Keaton say this, like,

you know, when he wasn't acting, when he was like not getting parts, he would go up at the comedy store because like I could perform. Like that's when he was doing comedy, which he didn't do very long. But also he's like every audition was like my opportunity to act. Like that's the only time. So if you put everything into it, it's good. But I don't like do the dress. I thought you were going to ask like, so do you dress like what they say the character is like? But I don't do that at all. No, I just meant that like I think you just hear, I guess, you know, maybe I'm just,

saying things that I've heard from a few people, but I feel like most people's like energy when they talk about auditions is usually like, they're not like excited. They're usually like, there's a fucking audition. Yeah. But I also hear people and I've seen like those clips even on Instagram of like famous actors being like, no, I fucking embrace the audition as like this,

this opportunity. Well, in a business where you're, you're unemployed for so much, it's like, okay, I got something here. I got something I can hold on to that will make me feel like I did something, you know? And it really does make an impression on the casting people. Like those, you know, the people that end up hiring me, the most of the ones that have like seen me come in and like, Oh, he's trying, like he's really doing it, you know? That's so smart.

It's one of the hardest things to do is auditioning. It's literally in show business, I would say this is why I don't enjoy acting. But I remember one time it was a major network. They were talking to me about doing a sitcom, right? They were going to make a sitcom about your life based on my first hour. And I was like, this is great. Okay, yeah, sure. And then they're like, can you act? And I was like, sure.

sure. And I don't know. And they're like, okay, well, um, we're going to give you a script and then just come in and, you know, do this. And it was like all the executives at the network in the middle of the day in a sunny room. And I, I, I tried to prepare and it was just, I just, I just, you know, you just feel like you just took a shit on the floor. I was just, I was so embarrassed. And, um, and I was like,

And they're like, well, you're better than Jerry Seinfeld. That's all you have to be is better than Jerry Seinfeld. And I was like, okay. That's a good note. That's good. And I'm like, I'll get into class, but I'm better than Jerry Seinfeld. I just have to be better than Jerry is what they said to me. There's that clip of him being a guest star on the show. Have you seen that? No. You got to find that where Jerry Seinfeld is a guest star. It's on one of like, what was the big...

one of the black sitcoms of like, you know, like Martin? No, like a prior generation. Like- Cosby, Different World. About what's happening, good times. But you can find him and you see him come in and you're like-

man, it's like notably bad acting. It's like whoever booked him on that is because he was a client. They loved his stand up. Yeah. He was a client of like the manager that was producing the sitcom. And you're like, man, this guy, like he's terrible kind of actor, you know, terrible actor. But I think every time that I've had an audition and I felt really good about it, they've been like, no, no,

And then every time that it's been like, I don't think so. I get the call. They're like, oh, they thought you were great. Really? Like it almost has never lined up. Maybe one or two times I've been like, that was really good. And then they said so too. But most of the time it hasn't been like that. I had the same thought this morning because I auditioned for something on Thursday or something. And I was like, oh, Benson. I fucking loved Benson. I've got some hot stuff from the Capitol for the go.

i bet you thought i should sneak past you that's the last oh benson why am i the only courier who has to drop his pouch here in the kitchen because you're the only courier trying to sell jokes to the governor i've got some topical ones they'll kill the holy men that's what i'm afraid so bad come on do you know why a priest crosses himself to get to the other side

Too Catholic? I've got one for each denomination. Except Lutheran. You know, I never met a funny Lutheran. I never met a funny courier. That's exactly how I would do it. I'm so nervous. I like thinking of the audition where he goes, except Lutheran, you know. I've never met a funny Lutheran.

Yeah. Like, oh, dude, well, this is a sitcom, so let's do that again. Yeah. That's how I would have done it. You know, I've never, oh, God. I, yeah, I look back at like the big ones where I was so nervous and it is that what he just put together. Like, I can only imagine that he was shitting his pants that whole time. Oh, yeah. He was talking different. He wasn't talking right. It's like all that, like I'm saying this about him. I've had way worse experiences

I even did a sitcom once where it is, by the way, when you, I did a sitcom where I had a guest star. No, I remember. Oh my God. And I was like, so fucking, you know, I felt like when I get it and you did rehearsal, I was like, yeah. And I, in my rehearsal, you get the laughs and you're like, I got this. But right before you're kind of still like,

you know, like it's like the butterflies of going to do a big show or something, you know? And then we shot it and I actually got laughs in this thing. And then they're like, yeah, you know, it's on whatever Tuesday or something. Okay. And then I watched it and they cut the talking. So they just, they showed me walk in and I was like, and like right before I was like, they cut the thing. And then I walked off and I was like, Oh,

They just, they cut the line out. Exactly. My, I'm in knocked up. Right. And I have that exact moment. And it was like, I met with Judd and he was like, I'm going to put you in, I'm going to give you a part. There's like really no lines, but you can like do whatever, you know? And, uh, I did, it was like a whole day. I was so nervous. It was in the Valley, like so hot. And like,

the exact same thing that I go to watch it in the theater. No one ever told me anything. And there I am, like I walk up to camera, I'm still in the credits and it says like, what's her name's friend or something. And then in the, I ended up watching the director's cut. Like, I wonder if they're going to say anything. And in it, Judd goes, oh, that's Nick Thune. And, and Seth Rogen goes, yeah, he's a funny comic. And I was like, that's better than getting a line in the movie. Yeah. Right there. That was bit for,

For years, every credit, every comedy club I went to, it would say Nick Thune knocked up. Oh, great. Outside because it's like my number one IMDB. Sure. And it's just like, yeah, it's fine. Let them think that. Yeah, it's fine. They're like, he's probably one of the roommates. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I got cut from Workaholics too. I had a fun scene with all three. And I think they just either cut me completely or they cut all the dialogue. Yeah.

I was like, oh, okay. But you do like the, then there's the gold of being that one person that has an iconic line. Yeah. Like I remember Jerry, uh,

I don't remember his last name, Indian guy. And he, I think it's, is it a knocked up when he goes, Oh, fuck a goat, go fuck a goat. Jerry Bednob. Oh no, that's the one with, um, that's a 40 year old virgin. And all he would have to do, we were at the laugh factory or whatever casino gig I'd be with him. And he would just say, Oh, go fuck a goat. And the place would just like, Oh,

you know that was like Kyle Cease and the slow clap yes that's right the slow clap oh my god yes that's right remember him yes yeah remember that remember when that comedy like the doc like his like lessons came out and there was that video that was like there's one million comedians like it was like all of that like intense yeah yeah there's five working right now yeah it's like

Like, do you want to be one of them? He pivoted really hard into that, like coaching, like life coaching. Yeah, then he pivoted, I think, even more into the, like, yeah, the not even comedy. Yeah, it's like seminars about, yeah, about, like, just being a, how to live a better life. Yeah. Yeah, that was really, yeah. It's fucking, yeah, it's funny when you get, like, the,

It also feels like we've moved on from having a big line in a movie or a part. People just don't even respond to movies like that anymore, especially comedies. We've been in this kind of down slope of...

You know how comedy's like, you know, knocked up was like cultural kind of event. You know, 40 year old, those are like cultural events. Comedy's come out now and it's like, I don't know, maybe they stream or maybe they don't, but they don't seem to have the same impact where you're like, I saw that fucking guy in a movie. I think like memes have replaced that. Like the guy, the pandemic big dick guy, that guy was a moment. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the black guy. Yeah. Yeah, I showed my son Zoolander.

And he was like, they're like, well, he's like, I'm not your bro, bro, or whatever that line. And Townes, my son goes, that's a meme.

He knew. Yeah. Yeah. Like he knew a line from Zoolander from something he saw on YouTube or something. God, that movie's so funny. It's so crazy that when your kids start, like my, our eight year old was like, I don't know. That's kind of sus, bro. I'm like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? Skibbity toilet. It's real sus, man. Yeah. Okay. Or I'll go, you know, we're gonna, we're,

we're going to the movie or he's like, let's go. He has like all these little slang expressions. Yeah. My son threw out no cap. Oh, that's Ennies. Yeah. There he, he was, he has a VR, like, you know, like a thing. And he had, he had like three friends over to spend the night. And so it's like me and these four kids and it's 1am. Like they're, they're trying to pull an all nighter. I'm like, listen guys, you've got to go in the room. You could just at least move to there. Cause I'm going to go to sleep. And,

And so they go in the room and I'm just kind of standing out there listening and they were doing one at a time VR and the other three were just watching them. Yeah. And they're talking to somebody, you know, they're talking to people through the VR. And I heard one of them go, ask him if his mom's hot. Yeah.

And I was just like, things are good in there. Yeah, that's a good time. Do you remember when you're in school and you realize that one of your friends has a legit hot mom? That was my mom. That was your mom? Really? Yeah. We always felt weird for that kid where you'd be like, you know, because everyone's mom, you're like, that's your mom, right? I didn't even know until my 30s. That's the thing, you can't know. Someone told me. Yeah, like, man. Just so you know. It's like, so you guys were all...

- My mom? - He's like, yeah. - Yeah, still. - Still. - Wow. My dad was the hot dad. And so when he would come pick me up, all the teachers would be like, "What's up with your dad? Is he single?" Yeah, my second grade teacher really was into him. - Really? - Really was into him. Yeah. And then my friend's moms would be really into my dad.

So they were all sizing you up. They're like, I could live with her. This is my new stepdaughter. So your mom was a smoke show. Yeah, she was. What does she look like? Can you give us some details? She just like, if you see her in the seventies, I mean, she just looked like the perfect, like, you know, kind of like wavy hair, skinny, really pretty. Yeah. Oh,

I look, she, I look a lot like I come, like I look like her side. And did she dress Foxy like to come pick you up? Like tight jeans? I don't think so. I don't remember any, anything that she wore while she was a mom. Yeah. I remember the pictures, the pictures I've seen of her beforehand. I'm like, oh yeah, my mom was hot. Like my dad scored. Like that was, yeah. My mom used to wear this house outfit, which was a tube top and then this green skirt and her tits were enormous. Like,

like so hangy and floppy and enormous. And it took up so much of my mental space every time I would see her big floppy, sloppy tits. And they would hang down? Oh my God. Don't you remember that when you see your mom? Did your mom wear like house clothes, like schmuttas? And you'd be like...

That part always sticks out. Did she wear a supportive bra ever? Never at home. Not at home. During the day, yeah. But the minute you get home, the bra comes off. You got your teeth hanging. The tube top came on. It was a red tube top. Those tube tops are... When somebody's wearing a tube top with no bra and they have huge... And they're like... It's like kind of hovering somewhere in the sternum area. Yes. You're like, so where are they? Where do they start and where do they end? God damn it. How do I get involved? Yeah.

Big tits. Big fucking tits on my mom. Yeah, your mom had real tits. Yeah, our kids, I even tell our kids about it and they're like, can we see your mom's boobs? I'm like, I'll find some pics. Yeah. Yeah. What do you tell them? Because they're like, mom, you got big boobs. I'm like, you know who had bigger boobs? My mom had bigger boobs. I'm like, my nana had the biggest boobs. And then they started.

Your boys are talking about your boobs? Oh, yeah. My little one will just poke at like, my mom, mom, are these boobs? Oh, and then the other day I was sitting down with them reading a story and then he grabs my back fat, the little guy, and he goes, is this your boob? My back fat. I was like, thanks. They really know how to point the best stuff out. Yeah. Applause. Yeah.

He, um, they, they were looking at a photo of, uh, me and a football player that came to one of my shows and they were like, uh, how strong is he? And I go, I mean, I don't know. They're like, well, can he pick up like a car? And they go, but like, how strong is he? I go, he's really strong. And then they go, but like how I go, well, he's stronger than the average man. And they go, so he's stronger than you. And I go, yes. Cause you're like average. I was like,

But you know what? Thanks. So average man, it's like, so I'm not like a weak man. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's good. Nice spin on that. I like it. Yeah, I'll take it. It's all perspective. Anytime somebody says man, too, I'm like, oh, say that again. Up here in Shetland, we hit the shut down the shop and the tank wobbitt. That was the opening, by the way. One more time. Up here in Shetland, we hit the shut down the shop and the tank wobbitt.

Up here in shitland. Yeah. I'm going to hit the shop. Yeah. Take a shit, hit the shop. Take a shit, hit the shop. Up here in shitland, we hit the shop, doing the shop and the tankwabit. And the tankwabit. Oh, that's just part of my tackle box. I was like. And my tackle box. Hey, there you go. That's a killer accent. That is. Yeah. Fuck, that's English, dude. That is. And my tackle box.

New Orleans is also an interesting. I don't like it. Oh, yeah. That accent. Yeah. Yeah. If you get into like the real outside of there, you get like Bayou stuff, the Cajun. Yeah. You know, like there's the famous Sandler.

The water boy. Oh my God. That is like just a exaggeration of reality. There's a guy that like cooks crawdads and shrimp. And I'm like, I see him on Tik TOK and stuff. And he's like this white dude and like mullet, but he just taught the way he talks is like that. Yeah. And he's just like, it's so entertaining to listen to and talk. The best thing that ever happened for is that. So Ed Ogeron used to be the head coach of LSU, the, of the, of the football team.

And he's from Louisiana, but like from like Bayou shit. And so they loved it. It was a hometown, you know, a Louisiana kid became the head coach and he would do press conferences because they all do press conferences after games. And he was like, well, yeah. And, and as he was talking, the closed captioning would be, if you read it, it's just like some guy. And it would say like,

The Afghani missiles are launching because they didn't understand what the fuck he was saying. If you could find Ed Ogeron, that's also press conferences with funny closed captioning in like a spy movie. That's that's how they get messages out to spies. Yeah, that's right.

It's a clever thing. In the subtitles, yeah. I should know. Can't say why. Yeah, well. Yeah, obviously. We thank you for your service. Yes. Yeah, no problem. Yeah, but that accent is one where if you're not, because all these things are, you're tuned to it, right? Like if you're from that area, you go like, oh, I got it. Yeah. Like, yeah. Here's Ed Oja. Oh, yeah. I've watched this guy. This guy. It was fucking phenomenal.

Move, we move and braided for a ho-co from left band. Yeah. We were security cold Tracy West phenomenal. That's just somebody trying to understand what he's saying. It's like drop the bombs now. Yeah. It was going to turn out going into the spring, in my opinion, bowels Brendan came. But now you got to find him speaking because it's only good if you actually can hear this guy during a press conference because it's...

Phenomenal. He is one of the best. From Destrehan, Louisiana. Hold on a sec. Hey, guys! Hey! It's like me. This is exactly what it's like. This is on the phone. Yeah. I'm just on the phone with my doctor. Hold on. Hey!

I'm having a great young man. So proud to have a great parents. And, uh, we took a young man. We had to fix the line of scrimmage. We wanted to get bigger. I'll stop. That's the guy, you know? Yeah. It's great. Yeah. His voice is very grave. That's like that. Well, yeah. Character when he like is talking and he goes out and yells at the kids and then he comes back. Yeah.

Comes back all nice and calm. Anyway, yeah. God, I've probably talked to so many people on the phone who thought I was doing that sketch because I'm just like, yeah, so hold on a second. Guys!

Fuck. Especially when I go, I'm on the phone. I don't know why I'm on the phone doesn't translate to a kid. I'm on the phone. And they're like, yeah, so can I go? No, I'm talking on the phone. That means dial it up. Yeah. I'm like, God damn it. I fucking lose my mind. Get louder. Anytime you're not fully available, it's very hard for them to understand that. Yeah, they love it. The five-year-old just starts screaming all the time in the house. We're having a screaming problem with him. Like they're playing in the bathtub. Ah!

Like full. I'm like, dude. - Do they sleep in their beds? - Sometimes, yeah. Last night, then they'll sneak in at like five in the morning. - Sneaking in is a big one. - And then they'll start talking to me. Is it time to wake up yet? No. I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up. - I can't get mine out of my bed. I mean, he- - Oh yeah. - He like, until he was seven, like slept in his own room, bed. - Oh yeah. - Now every night, but he doesn't wake, he like doesn't wanna wake me up in the morning. - Really? - No, I wake up, he's eating cereal.

he's like doing something. He's like, he's done. He does. He's like, Oh, finally. Hello. Yeah. Wow. That's awesome. How old is he? 10. Fuck. That's, that sounds rad. I can't wait to get there. But also the milks out. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like he, he knew how to do some of the things. My five-year-old would be like, mom, you've slept enough time to wake up.

- That's an actually big one. - Did you have, 'cause this is the thing that always I'm like, why I've said this at the, they leave every door open ever? - Oh yeah, that's normal. - Oh yeah, okay. So it is like every door. - He's afraid to be in a closed door. He got stuck in a closet once when he was at someone's house.

and he freaked out so now like no doors are closed when he's in them like bathroom doors but yeah no cupboards are closed but I mean we get out of the car and like I walk in I go hey hey and they go what I go both of your doors are open and they're like oh okay shut the door sorry I'm like this is the thousandth time sorry yeah then they walk in the house and then I look back and like door I go guys shut the door oh there's

- And the open doors open overnight. - Oh, overnight, the doors open. - And there's snakes and stuff that can just come on in and whatever critters. - He walks like, when we're walking up to the car, he'll like walk up to my door with me. I'm like, what are you doing?

you're not getting in my door. This is the wrong side. Like you, what are you doing? He gets out of the car. Like I picked him up from school. We go to the grocery store and I don't even pay attention. I look in the grocery store. He's wearing his backpack. I'm like, you let you, you can leave it in the car. It's like, Oh, I pretty great. Yeah. Well, we're both doing a good job. If our kid doesn't do this, you know, attention, everybody.

My mom and dad accused me of finger painting and smearing my shit everywhere and smearing it in my bed. Accusing and smearing. Will you send it to your friends and family and your friends and your folks? Thank you. Rock on. Much love. Rock on, bro. There's so much happening. Seems like he's got a little Coke thing going on. He's sniffing pretty hard.

Yeah. Yeah. So he was just letting us know that he got accused. He got accused. And he said, will you let your friends know? Yeah. Let them know.

Speak up for me. He wants backup. Yeah, okay. I wasn't sure what the point was. Like he was detained by the Russian government. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be my voice. Yeah, okay. I hope this video gets out there and people know that my parents have accused me. And by the way, they're 100% spot on. You definitely did that. We don't know who did it. Okay. He's an only child. Yeah. Cool. He's also, how old is he? This guy has a deceiving look.

I can't tell. I've never had that. Like, I never had, like, the kid painted on the walls and you're like, what happened in here? Thank God. One time so far. Well, yeah. We've had it a couple. We had paint. It wasn't shit. It was paint. And that was cool. All the way down from upstairs around the wall all the way to downstairs. And I fucking was like, what the fuck?

Like I lost my shit. And like my son was like, do not scream at me. I'm just a kid. And he just snapped me out of it. I was like, I paint. So I have paint. I get paint on his stuff on accident. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I'm actually, it's the opposite. You guys have a real, he's like, Hey, you're up buddy. That's nice to see you. Come on, man. Paint on my clothes again. Yeah. Jesus. That's cool.

Do you ever put paint on like shoes or clothes like purposely? No, no. I've never tried to design like a hand design. I've designed some shirts you can buy on my Instagram. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's cool. I like that. I actually just had, well, I just was in my first art show like as an actual painter, which was pretty cool. Congratulations. I love that. That's rad. It was pretty crazy. It was the weirdest thing.

I went, I was standing with my paintings for eight hours a day for five days at this like art show. And I basically was just like available to talk about my work, which I don't know how to talk about. Yeah. That's gotta be challenging. But it was, it was, yeah, it was a new experience. Was it in LA? Yeah. That's very cool. Is your art can be, I don't mean like you do right now, but can people go somewhere if they want to see your art? Yeah. That it's actually still from that, that, um,

that show, the spring break art show. It's still up for sale. There's a link on my Instagram too. So if they go to your page, is that Nick Thune? Yeah. But here's what's great about art and anything you do besides comedy, if you're a comedian,

I'll post a comedy clip. No one will say anything bad. Like it's not, you know, there may be like a couple like people, but they're doing jokes or something. Yeah. I posted one thing. I never post my art. I posted one thing like, Hey, I'm doing this art show. And somebody wrote like, this guy's art is, or his art is shit. Yeah. Cool. And I just wrote back. I am he like,

It is. I mean, I'm posting this. This is my Instagram. But it was like within 10 minutes, I was like, oh yeah, people, this other world is brutal. Yeah. Oh, you think our world is more brutal than the comedy world? Yes. Wow. Really? Because anybody thinks they can do art. Is that why? Yeah. I mean, yeah, people are like, my kid could do this or whatever. It's like, yeah, I don't know. I'm,

Hey, I don't think I'm good. Somebody said I was good. Yeah. Somebody saw my stuff and wanted to use it. So that gave me the confidence to, you know, it's like, yeah, then sell your kids art, but it's not like stand up. Like you can't like go test it out in front of a crowd. Right. Oh, I know it works. Well, it's so subjective too. Who's to say like art. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know. It's very cool. Gosh. And people hate the popular ones like Jeff Koons, you know, because they're like, it's like, yeah, okay. He just figured out how to make money. Good for him. Yeah. He figured out how to like make huge projects that like live in cities on outdoor areas that are like. It has nothing to do with you. No, I can't wait to check it out, dude. I'm a huge, huge fan of, I love art and I love learning about artists and seeing different styles. I think it's awesome. I think it's great you're doing that. It's a fun world to be in.

For sure. Very cool. Wherever it goes, yeah. Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, Paul. Thank you for coming in today. This was fun. Thank you. I know it meant a lot to you guys. It was fucking cool. It was fucking cool. We haven't seen you in a long time. I know. It has been a long time. It's been a long time. You still look 29. Last time I saw you was at an airport. Yeah. In a Delta lounge. Yeah, I remember that. I think you had on sunglasses possibly. Yeah, mostly. I think I was drinking then. I think it's been that long. Oh, really? Yeah. And I was like trying to hide from you that I was like,

really deep in drinks already at like whatever time of the morning it was. - Wow. - Well, you look great, man. You look great. - Yeah, yeah. - You look great now. - Glad you're not doing that. - Yeah, thank you. - Congratulations on your sobriety and all that. Like that's awesome. - Thank you. Congratulations to you guys. - Yeah, thank you. - It's fun to watch. - Thanks, man. - Thanks. - Thanks, it's fun having you here. And if you don't mind telling people about this poop finger painter, I think that's the least we could do for everybody. - Thanks. - Yeah, all right.

I thought you were going to say, like, if you don't mind telling people about our podcast. Yeah, we could do that, too. I think they all know. No, no, I think we should do that, too. And you guys should check out Nick Thune, especially on Instagram. Check out the art. Check out his stand-up. Go see him live. Get yourself a painting. And leave a nice comment. Yeah. You fucking asshole. Yeah, you fuck. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye, Mommy. Peace. This is a classic. Hi.

I'm coming to get that. One time. I'm coming to get that. Booty or flat booty. Big booty or flat booty. Booty or flat booty. I'm coming to get that. Y'all know what's a banana split? We gonna use your booty. Some corn chip. Some ice cream.

The unspoken internal monologue of every red-blooded heterosexual male

I'm coming to get that booty, huh?