Popular Music Sucks w/ The Black Keys | Your Mom's House Ep. 768
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See Mint Mobile for details. Welcome to the program. We're here. We're queer. We're not going anywhere. Get used to it. Yep. Learn how to say it. You've got a cool summer dad shirt on. Yeah, I sew. I knew it was going to be 145 today, so I just said, fuck it. But this is a new corner that you've turned because once you get into summer dad stuff,

you're officially a dad. Let me tell you a little story about my fat Indian stepdad who's now dead. There was a time he did dress cool and then he turns 50-something and then he would go to Tommy Bahamas. I did not go to Tommy Bahamas. That became his favorite. Look, that's a little Tommy Bahama. The flowers and stuff. Where did you get this? I got it at a department store. It's made by a company called Vince.

And I just thought, you know, it's very hot in this climate, in this area we live in. So something that goes with the incredible heat and humidity here. Yeah. I feel your judgment. You were wearing a curious top for this weather. Yeah.

A mink sweater. Do you know why? Because it's freezing in here. That's what we do. I'm colder in the summer than I am in the winter because you guys make it 60 because all the guys in here are like, I'm hot. Fully retarded. It's very hot out. It is very hot. Can I tell you something that's really cool that's been going on for the last week? What? I have a ding-dong.

On my nose. Now I put makeup on it. Yeah, you look like Rudolph. It's one of those that is so awfully placed. It's like the worst place to get. I've had it. I've had it before too, yeah. Why? Why does God give it to you right on the tip of your nose? He's trying to teach you a lesson. It's like the most humiliating. He's teaching you a lesson. He's making you think about your week. What did you do this week?

I know. You know, what's interesting is that though, now that I'm old, I don't care as much. I just cover it up and I go on with my life. But I remember getting a ding dong here when I was like 15 or 14. Yeah. You want to not go to school. You're like, I'm not going to school. Yeah. I think I skipped school one day. Cause I, cause then you pick at it and you're like, just get rid of it. It makes it worse. I did love squeezing them. Of course. In high school. And just, uh, you hit the mirror with it. I'm going to throw up. Yeah. Yeah.

I would do that. You go, you see a pus and blood on the mirror. Thank you. Did you have bad acne? No, not bad. I was lucky. Yeah. You know, you get zits still. Oh, no. Yeah. This is hormonal. Wait, because I had my period last week. You had your period too. I had my period too. Did you get any zits? Oh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

But not too bad. Not like that one. Yeah. That one's really bad. Yeah. Well, I'm done now. Did your boobs hurt? A little bit. Yeah. Is your period over? No, done. Yeah. Heavy flow or no? It was...

No, it was pretty light. What did you use? Do you like use Tampax? What do you use? Yeah, I like a plastic applicator. What kind do you like? Plastic applicator too, yeah. Really? What size are you using nowadays? Large. Large? Mm-hmm. Large? Yeah. Mm-hmm. They're not called large. They are. Super. It's super regular and slim. Well, super is another word for large. And you use the plastic applicator? Mm-hmm.

Where do you put the applicator when you're done with it? Where do you think? Where? When I'm done with it, I flush it. I usually look for something that says don't flush here and I put it in there. Yeah. Yeah. It's not nice to flush the plastic applicator down the toilet. I know. It always says don't put any other foreign objects here and then I put it in there. But I do it in public. I don't do it at home. And what underwear do you wear when you're on your period? I don't wear thongs. Right. Yeah.

Do you switch up what you wear or you just wear your normal? No, I have a wider pair.

A what? Wider pair of underwear. Witer? Wide. Wide. Oh, wider. Yeah. Yeah. Why wider? I just feel more comfortable because I kind of feel gross when I'm having my period and I don't feel like wearing something sexy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Sames. Samesies. Oh, really? Yeah. I just shut it down those days. Oh, I shut it down so hard. I don't even feel like living. I just want to stay in bed. Me too. And I get so sweaty. Do you get sweaty? Yeah, I get diarrhea too. Really? Yeah, sometimes. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird. You and I totally are cycling now. It's pretty crazy. Yeah. Well, men can have periods. Oh, of course men can have periods too. So, yeah. You know, it's interesting. Speaking of diarrhea, I farted the other day. It's one of the rare times that I farted. And right away you go, did you have sushi? And I go, yeah. Yeah, I did have sushi. And you go, yep. I can smell my babies. Yeah. My baby ate. Yeah. You know, it's funny.

When you're, when you have a child, a little infant, you can start telling what they ate based on their gas. Yeah. You farted and I smelled sushi. It's crazy. It was like your, it just, it was wild. It was, it was so special. Salmon. Yeah. I wonder, I'm going to start trying to identify. Usually when your farts are sour, that's like eggs. You know what you did, which was really smart?

You were flying. We're about to get on a flight. Yeah. And then you had a sushi burrito. That was a poor choice. What happened was it was Heather's birthday and she got to pick whatever she wanted for lunch. And she chose this place and they gave us a tuna burrito.

like a tuna poke kind of wrap. It was like a big sushi roll, basically. And I got the spicy, and I got extra spicy sauce on it. I remember as I was like two bites into it, you go, aren't you going to fly in a couple hours? And I said, yeah. You go, is that the smart thing to be eating before that flight? And I was like, why don't you mind your own business? Yeah. Stupid bitch. I got to tell you something. Yeah. It was one of the rare times you were right. It was a very poor decision. Yeah.

And I had very big problems on the flight and post-flight. It destroyed me. Did you diarrhea on the plane? Yeah. And it was hot. It was spicy. Oh, that's the worst. I feel it coming out with heat. And I'll tell you what I didn't do. What? I didn't make a business call while I was doing it.

You're out of your mind. So can I tell you what I started doing? Started doing? Well, I just started doing this. Jesus Christ. I just started. Can I tell you why? Just coming into your own? I really am. Now that I'm 48, I really have entered a level of...

I'm so free, Tom. You are free. I really am because I am on death's door. I don't have many years left. I know. And you know what? What? I see why older people are just cooler because you're like, I don't want to. They don't give a shit. So I started doing business calls and I was on the toilet the other day. Well, we all do business calls from the toilet. Everybody does business calls in the toilet. I didn't know that. Yeah. But the difference is there.

There is, no one even has to learn this. It's just a built-in normal function of etiquette where when you're on a call and you're on the toilet, you speak and then you hit mute while you're doing your business. And you told me, you're like, oh, I don't hit mute. I don't hit mute. So people listen to you pee and fart and flush. Well, here's the difference. Hold on. I feel as though if I were to speak and then mute,

Speak and mute. Yeah. That is more sus, as the kids say. No. It's more suspicious. It's not. Than me just, they have the regular background noise. And then I pee. I don't fart every time I pee. That's you. I'm a woman. I don't fart. I don't fart every time I pee either. I think a lot of men do. No. No.

We don't all fart every time. When you're at the urinals, you're always telling me that men fart at the urine sometimes, but it's not every time. It's not every time. It's not close to every time, but the difference is if you're on the toilet, you just mute when you're not talking. And if you're going to make a noise, like with pee, you mute it. So you let them hear you. I let them hear me pee. And here's the interesting thing. Who are you doing this with? Brendan, our merch guy. He just heard you piss. Oh,

But he didn't say anything. Yeah, because he's super polite. But here's the thing, man. Here's the deal is also because I am a woman. I also think that there's no people would be like, there's no way this girl is sitting on the toilet because she's a girl. Right. They're like, there's no way a woman would sit on the toilet. Only thing that could be happening is that while you're peeing, the guy is jacking off because you're peeing.

Because some guys really like to hear a girl pee. So that could be happening. God, that's so disgusting. Well, welcome to the real world. So everything is, why is everything sexualized? Oh, your peeing is. Everything. Yeah. Even, well, my browning? No. Yeah. Some guys are going to definitely, please don't make so much noise so I can hear you shit more clearly.

But I don't think they hear me browning because it's very quiet when I brown. I don't make big drops like you. When you do it, it's catastrophic. It's not. It sounds like a disaster every time. Let's start the show crazy. Nobody knows. Ask Brendan. Hold on. The answers are, look, the world is a great place. It's just inhabited by... And it's the internet's fault. That's just the way it is. Amen. I love him so much. Oh, Gallagher.

Meow, meow, meow.

Can I tell you, I have been, I've always loved the Gallagher brothers, but lately I'm on a Noel Gallagher kick. Yeah. Because I love everything this guy says. He's a fucking, he's like, the world is a great place inhabited by, and it's the internet's fault. All right, hold on. Isn't that the truth? Let's do this real quick. That is a true thing. How do we, okay, we're calling.

Should we tell the audience what we're doing? Yeah, we're calling Brendan. We're calling Brendan right now. The person that Christina was speaking to. What's up, guys? Wednesday, August 7th, I will be appearing at the Asheville Comedy Festival in Asheville, North Carolina. Then the next day, Thursday, August 8th, I'm at the Berglund Center in Roanoke, Virginia. Tickets and all info is at tomseguro.com slash tour.

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at babbel.com slash YMH. That's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Y-M-H. Rules and restrictions may apply. That's why I peed and pooped. Hey, Brendan. Hey. Hey, this is Tom, and you're on your mom's house right now, just so you know. Oh, awesome. So we just had a revelation, and we had to call you to follow up on this. Christina spoke to you recently. Yeah.

Did you have any idea what she was doing while you were speaking to her? I did not. No, because she just shared. She's the only person I know like this, that she was using the bathroom, but she doesn't mute when she does business calls in the bathroom. That's wonderful to find out. And so I think she peed and shit, and she's like... Two separate calls. Two separate calls. One I peed on with you. That is making sense now. Yeah.

And I was like, why don't you just hit mute when you're done speaking and do your business? She's like, no, I just do it. And I'm like, that's insane. But Brendan, you didn't notice. I did not notice. Wow. See? And if you did... I did not notice. And if you did, why don't you think like, oh, it's one of the kids...

Yeah, I would have assumed that only a child would do that. Right. Like you wouldn't in your wildest dreams imagine that a nice woman like me would do that. Never, never. Expect it from Tom, but not from you. Thank you. And Brendan, have you ever done a call on the toilet? I am on the toilet right now. You are? Okay.

And do you do the mute and then release thing? Yep. Yeah. See? It's like a courtesy flush. Exactly. But he's a man. Have some respect. I don't make as loud of sounds as he does. He obviously didn't hear them, and he didn't suspect it because I'm a woman. No harm, no foul. So you're just going to keep rolling that dice? Of course I am. Why? Of course I am.

Who cares? Everybody I talk to knows me and loves me. They know I love them. Right, Brendan? We're practically family. 100%. Who do I talk to? Agent Jeans? Brendan? Okay. There's like five people I talk to regularly. Maybe. All right. I'm kind of honored. I'm actually honored. You know what? I'm going to do as just...

as a courtesy to you is I'm going to take it for a spin. I'm going to go ahead and do my next call the same way. No mutes. You're going to lose friendships though. You're going to lose business relationships. No. Could you do a notes call with Netflix? I will call you, but I need to call you to talk about some stuff. And yeah, just disable video. If you're going to be on the computer. Okay. I won't use video, but I'll go completely unmuted. Okay.

Sounds good. Okay. He was unmuted himself to talk. Thank you, Brendan. Did you hear that? My pleasure. Thank you, Brendan. You're insane. I don't talk to as many people. I literally talk to Asian genes, Brendan, some friends. You're so crazy. That's it. Do you hear me shitting? I do it to you all the time. Yeah. But I know when you're doing it.

I know when you're doing it, when you call me from the road, you're always on the toilet because you're always delayed. I'll ask you a question and there's a time delay and I'm like, oh, he's shitting. How does the time delay affect it? Because I'll be like, hey, babe, so what are we doing today? And you go, I'm like, babe, we're going to go. We're going to go to the thing. Oh, because I'm muting and I'm muting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, I do it to you. I'm nice. I do it to you. But that makes it more suspicious. I would rather just hear the plops. Really? And keep it in real time. All right, you know what? Yeah. You're going to get your wish. Yeah.

You're going to get your wish. Listen, this is to all the women. Go ahead and be free. Make your calls on the toilet because the guys aren't even assuming you're doing something that crazy. That's true. That's the best part. Listen, as a woman, you have carte blanche to be as crazy as you want to be. No one suspects that we do anything, anything interesting or anything. Well, this is for you just because you're just inspired a whole bunch of people. Yeah.

As I touch the top of her breasts with my fingertips, and then go down them to the nipples slowly, slightly, and gently. And then I tickle them until they become erect. Ew. Tom, listen, since we're sexual right now, why are you so happy about that, you shithead? I hope you wear adult braces for the rest of your life. I hope they don't work and you have to get the metal ones. Don't laugh.

I hate that you like this and I hate this. I hate this. Why are you so happy, you shit? Stupid. I hate that you like this so much. Stop. I'm going to puke. Ew. Okay, I'm going to throw up. I'd rather watch vomiting. Stop. Ew.

Ugh, this guy's so, and he has to show me his finger. That's the worst part of it. He's so disgusting. He's never been with a woman voluntarily. This is disgusting. Okay, I thought you might like it. Wait, are you going to show me another one? No, that's it. Well then hold on, since we're on the topic of horny cool things, another email came in. Okay.

Hi, mommies. Please keep this anonymous, but you're welcome to read on the show. I heard you put a call out for booger eaters, and I wanted to reach out. I'm a 29-year-old married father of two, and I've been munching on those nuggets since I was a wee tot. Tommy is right that it started as a childhood thing, and I was just never able to kick the habit. I tried many, many times, but it just stuck with me. I've been able to be more discreet about it. Now it typically happens when I'm not even thinking about it.

It's subconscious. Just like scratching my head or adjusting my chair. I'm a high school teacher, so occasionally I'll be plucking a real gooey goober while I'm working at my desk and my students are working and one of them will catch it from the corner of their eye and we'll share the quiet look of horror together. It's a real bonding experience. I love to kick the habit, but I'm not sure where to start. Coming up in May. Let's just...

You like the horny vids? I like the booger stuff. Okay. I wish we could have people send in videos of them eating their boogers. You sure about that? Real scraggly ones. And put attention, Tom. As a fat person, I often dread medical appointments because of blatant medical fat phobia. Yeah. The last OB appointment I went to, the provider blamed everything on my weight and told me that I needed to go on a medication that made me feel really terrible. What?

This OB appointment that I just went to, I've been dreading and the provider was amazing. She asked me what my pronouns are. She asked me about my name. She made me feel super comfortable. I think about my trauma history so that she knew how to touch me in ways that were not harmful. She just was like, great. Um, and I was crying before getting my blood drawn because I

I just never have good experiences with medical providers. And so, I don't know. I just wanted to share. Babe, could you imagine the fat phobia? In the medical community? Yeah, you go to the doctor and they're like, you're too fat. God, it's so mean. It's so crazy. Medical providers have this crazy fat phobia thing going. I know. Here's the thing. Your blood work's terrible. And I'm going to really fucking blow your mind here. It's because you're fat. Yeah. I know. It's so hateful of me to say.

These people are insane. Could you imagine? Look, all your issues, I'm sure, are related to the fact that you need to lose weight. By the way, I think I would be so annoyed if I went to my OB and she's like, what are your pronouns? And what's your trauma history like?

I'm like, bitch, put that in there and let's get out. Let's get out of here. Could you imagine? I get annoyed even now when they want to make chit chat with me. I'm like, just go with it. Yeah. I went to a dentist and she was very loving and sweet. Yeah. And she was like, is this okay? I'm like, just go. Go. I'm from the 80s. I don't care. Yeah. Shove it in there. Shove it in. Let's go. I took Xanax. Lube it up and let's go. Yeah. I don't want you to talk to me. Yeah. Fuck right off. What's your name? She asked me about my name? What the fuck?

What do the other ones do? They don't ask your name? She asked me my trauma. Could you imagine asking your trauma history? Boy, that appointment would take me five hours to tell her my childhood story. That's in a car. In a car. That guy's puking in the car. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Hey, you did that because of the booger email. Yeah, you should have done that. Why did you do that at 11?

I don't like those booger emails. Booger videos that are now going to be submitted. Oh, you're going to have a whole new problem on your hand. Go ahead. Make them into TikToks, maybe. Send them in. Make them into TikToks. Just of you pulling a scrounger and then eating it. Hey, Tom, hold on. I don't want to get off the topic of pronouns because I know you and I are very conscientious about this stuff. Zolo, I sent you a picture.

I don't know if you know this. I'm so excited now. Whenever you add a new contact to your iPhone, you can also add their pronouns. Oh, that's cool. Isn't that great? Yeah. Rob Eiler was so considerate. He added my, I have a new phone number and then he made sure to check with me if I had new pronouns before he added my info. And I just thought that was really special. It comes in most emails, a lot of emails from companies. Like if you're dealing with somebody at,

professional level at a big company, it'll be their signature. I love that. I love to know what their gender is. But you know what we should start doing is also what turns you on? What gives you an erection? Oh, have that in there. I want to know more. You know what I mean? That's a good point. What turns you on? What are your sexual proclivities? PP in a cup for me. Proclivities, yeah. That'd be really cool. Tell me more of your personal details. Yeah, I'd like that. That'd be really nice. If it was like, my name is...

Jim, here's my phone number. Here's my email. He, him, armpit hair turns me on. Wait, Zola, go back to that. Can you, are there like many, because you know how on Instagram they only give you certain options? Like they're, are they like ready-made options or can you write yours in? Do you know what I'm saying? Let me look. Because on Instagram, um,

They have the ready-made ones like Errs. Mine are, in case you want to know on Instagram, mine are like Errs, Pers, Cause, like the most obscure ones. But... You like that, huh? It is, Tom. It really makes you happy. That is so fun. Well, this is a kind of a... What are your pronouns? Yes, you can add anything you want. Oh, that's awesome. It's really thoughtful. It's kind of on par with what Apple would do, too. It's a very progressive tech company from California. It is, Tom. It is.

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Here's another thing. Very cool. I think this is really about etiquette. And here's some mermaid etiquette you might not know about. You're so lucky to have a silicone tail. Hey, listen, I know that it might not be your intention, but that comment's a bit dismissive. I worked really hard to save up money for this tail and train for it. It wasn't just luck.

Oh, I didn't think of it that way. I was giddy when I saw pictures of your tail. You know what? I'll delete my comment on your Instagram post in a couple of minutes. No hard feelings. Not every conversation in the mermaid community needs to end in a fight. Please respect people's boundaries and feelings. That's a really good point.

Because some people are commenting on Instagram to mermaids who have, you know, acquired a tail like this. A silicone tail. And you don't mean to say something like, oh, how lucky. Because, you know, it is a bit dismissive to how hard the person may have worked to acquire that tail. So just think about that when you're leaving comments for mermaids.

Gosh, there's so much to consider nowadays. There's so much to consider now. We don't think about this stuff. But can I tell you, I'm so happy that we finally are having these discussions. Yeah. These marginalized communities, the mermaid community. They've been left out of the dialogue, you know? Yeah. Oh, isn't being a mermaid considered a pronoun? Could I make that one of my cool pronouns? You could make it a pronoun, but I don't think it's a pronoun to be like mermaid. Mermaid, merman, merman.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm really curious now to know what the etiquette in the mermaid community is because she's implying that there's a lot of rude comments within the mermaid community. Yeah. You know where there are also some rude comments? There was this piggy party, a fat girl party, and they highlighted some of the big comments. Here, look at these. They all got together to just eat everything. A poor black man's dream. Nobody in this room will be alive in 10 years. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Some big broads in that room. Shit. So good to see you, Mike. Yeah. Oh, this is so funny. Not a lot left on that plate right there on the front, huh? No. But, Tom, this is the type of fat phobia that woman was talking about earlier. Imagine if they all went to the doctor. The doctor would be like, I got to tell you something. It's not looking good for anybody. And they'd be like, oh, let me guess. It's because I weigh 400 pounds? Yeah.

Well, also, it's because the BMI scale is patriarchal and hateful. Everybody knows that. It didn't consider other ethnicities. It didn't consider. Yeah, body types. That's right. It's based on a white heterogeneous, homogeneous view of the female body. Everybody knows that, Tom. Yeah. It's normal to have a 50 BMI. Everybody knows that. That is true. Well, hold on. Well, let's see what they are eating. I'm looking at, I'm seeing some enchiladas, some other starchy carbs. Yeah.

That's no good, man. I saw this clip where these big old chicks, big broads, were sitting on a talk show and the guy goes, well, I think you just need to eat less and move more. And they all went, oh, here we go. Like it was crazy to say. And he was like, what? And they're like, it's not what it's about. He's like, you're just fucking eating too much and you're not moving.

They were so upset by it. You know, this is a horrible thing my father used to say all the time. Which thing? All the things I heard growing up. But the problem with a lot of things my crazy parents said is that they were inherently true. Much like Noel Gallagher. The world is full of crap and it's the internet's fault. My father would say whenever they would say that stuff, like, eat less, move more. And then the people would go, no, it's glandular. He's like,

There were no fat people in Auschwitz. There were no fat people. Right. They were starved. In Auschwitz. Yeah. Think about that. There's no glandular disorders. There's no, you know, hypo, whatever, thalamus problems. You're not big boned. You're just eating too much. Yeah. I'm surprised Auschwitz hasn't come out with a statement about that. Against my dad. No, just being like, hey, the one thing we could also tell you is that there was definitely no fat people here.

For all you wondering if it's your glands, it's the food. There's no food in your life when you're here. There's no fat people. Yeah. If you don't eat, you won't be fat. You won't be fat. Oh, here we go. Back to the food again.

Speaking of, I am having to up my ozempies because I'm eating right through it again. So remember I told you I overdosed myself on 50? Yeah. Well, now I'm like having to go to 25 or 30 just to keep it because I'm eating right through it. I mean, I'm eating like I got I got fucking those powdered doughnuts. Yeah. Why do you have those? I don't even call them doughnuts because they're so fucking fake. I saw those. They're so good because they're just I'm on this like.

Wanting to eat all the shit I grew up on, like trash. But why don't you get the fresh, like good ones? I don't like the, this is the problem. I don't like the good fresh ones. Your palate is fucked. Because I grew up eating garbage. I like Entenmann's Hostess. I like the fake ass chocolate little donuts. I like white trash food. And I'm just now making peace with that. Why don't you go to this party? That's what I like. They have plenty of that shit. I know. That's the problem though is they're not on the Osempis. No, they're definitely not. You can eat one or two of the little donuts, not the whole bag. Ha ha!

So we're upping the dose. So I got to up my own dose. So I'm almost going to be up to 50 naturally. Wow. I'm not losing right now. All right. And I discovered P.T. Terry's. P. Terry's? Yeah. That's a real problem. That shit's good. That's why they don't like In-N-Out here because I think it's their In-N-Out. It's like better, huh?

I still think In-N-Out's better. I know. California In-N-Out, but not Texas In-N-Out. It's too different here. It doesn't taste the same. Right? I still think In-N-Out over here is better. It's better than that bullshit Whataburger. Fuck Whataburger. Whataburger sucks. It's not even a fucking burger. It's terrible. It's like paper. It just tastes like mayonnaise to me. Yeah, that shit sucks, dude. All right. Let's take a quick break. Okay. We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break.

And we're back, and you can check out the new album from our guest called Ohio Players, baby. And please welcome the Black Keys, everybody. You guys are from Ohio. I'm from Ohio. Yeah. What part? I'm from Cincinnati. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, we're from the Browns area of Ohio. You're from the... You're from Akron? Yeah. Yeah. You're from... That's where LeBron's from, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We used to... When we first started the band, I lived in his house with like...

Four other dudes, like a punk rock house kind of in the hood. And this was like 2001, 2002. I lived there. But yeah, we would see LeBron...

I think Nike hired his mom to kind of get him some money. Yeah. Because he was driving to school and it's like brand new yellow Hummer. Hummer, yeah. I remember that story. And I would get behind him sometimes. Like, this guy. This is a kid in high school who's got a Hummer? This is wild. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Worked out for him. He's doing all right. He's doing all right. Yeah. He's doing pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I like meeting Ohio people. I think it's always exciting to meet somebody that...

branched out and did something. I know we're very proud of our own. Yeah. Yeah. Ohio for sure. Yeah. Um, the deal sisters are from there. Kim and Kelly deal. Do you know them? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, I,

I've spent more time with Kim. Yeah, tell me about her. I met her one time in Silver Lake. And I don't fangirl out ever. I was carrying a Pixies bag that I had made for me. That's how much of a fan. And Tom's like, you got to talk to her. I'm like, I don't know, fucking asshole. And she was the nicest and totally normal. And she's like, yeah, just give me your email. I'll email you. We're doing a show. And I was like, huh?

Yeah, she was freaking out. She's so great. If you're freaking out, I'm like, she's like, I should. I don't freak out. Yeah, you should fucking say something. You've never been like this. We took a picture. We had this, we ran a part of an old rubber factory where we kind of had as a studio for a while in 2004. The General Tire Factory. Nice. And Kim and Kelly drove from Dayton to Akron. They wanted to make some demos there. So I spent an afternoon with them once. And they, you know, they were just.

So cool. But yeah, they were heavily addicted to Starbucks at the time. I think we went there like two times. They kept getting these giant Frappuccinos. But yeah, they were just the coolest. Yeah, they're sisters. They're almost identical twins. You two are not related. We're not. But you may as well be because you've been together for so long.

Yeah, we've been doing this for... No, I mean as a gay couple. You guys are a gay duo. We've known each other since 1989. Damn. How'd you guys meet? Dating, gay dating. Is that a NAMBLA conference? Yeah, perfect. That's cool. Our dads took us to NAMBLA. We met because...

My dad bought a house around the corner from where Dan lives. Just a total old fashioned neighborhood. Like there's one way to get one street got in this giant neighborhood. And were you both already jamming? Like, you know, Hey, I play instruments. So you kind of, this is when we were like nine. So we're playing, we're having like acorn fights. That's cool. Yeah. It's like, you know, like the movie, like stand by me. It was like, when I saw that, it was just like, that's,

essentially felt like how our neighborhood... Yeah. We had the train tracks and under the bridge. Hell yeah. Dead bodies and stuff. Yeah. Memorial Parkway where that guy died. Nice. There was like a little, I guess they called it the workhouse, is where they put people who got too many DUIs on the other side of this valley that we could see. And there's always like, you hear about the butcher escape from the workhouse. It's just...

I'm worried about making shit up, I guess. And then when did you start-- did you guys start playing in high school? We both started playing music independently. And then our younger brothers were in the same grade.

Yeah, we were in separate grades. We were one year apart. So it was like, you know, when you get into school, it's like when you're in different grades, you might as well be in different universes. Yeah, for sure. Sometimes. So we didn't really know each other too well. I just knew him from the neighborhood. I knew Pat. I knew his brother, Will, and his brother, Michael. We'd take the bus and he would go that way and I'd go this way, you know. But then our brothers one day said, hey, you know, Pat plays drums. And told Pat that I play guitar. You guys should get together. So it was like we...

yeah we never knew yeah he came down uh yeah he came down my house but you know i was hanging out with his brother all the time but yeah i never hung out with dan he came down with the guitar and just was like you know started ripping like these you know really cool guitar parts he's like yeah i'm into this like blues from northern mississippi like this i was like and i had just happened to be like into one of the same guys through a whole different channel like

And it was weird because he was the only other person I knew that was... Into that kind of thing. And we were a block away from each other. Yeah. Isn't it kind of crazy too that you've, that means you've, you've seen each other evolve as musicians. Like you basically met each other when you were pretty new and you, you've seen each other like kind of... Well, I mean, I showed Dan how to,

record like on a four track tape recorder. Wow. He had never seen one. So yeah, we've seen it. We've from the very beginning, you know, we've learned how to do it all together. Yeah. Yeah. We have no idea what we're doing and we do, you know, we did all the part of the fun of it. You know what I mean? Just like being just idiots in the studio. We'd like not know, tape a microphone to our chin. Yeah. Yeah. Because you know,

The way that the whole band kind of came about really was we were jamming occasionally. We would get together, you know, like 1997, 98, or whatever, when we were just kind of finishing high school. And then we both found ourselves going to the University of Akron, like both third-year freshmen.

I just kept taking ceramics classes and like, it was, we were both like probably. Make some more ashtrays. We were like at all, you know, our lowest point. The only thing I remember about the University of Akron was the guy who sold, sold euros like right in the middle. Yeah.

They were pretty good. Yeah. It was essentially high school part two. That's what that is. Yeah. It was so pitiful. Yeah. I mean, back when we were going there, you could still smoke in like the student union. Oh, that's fun. We just sit there and smoke. That's the best. Yeah. My school used to have a bar like on campus. Yeah. There was a bar there. Yeah. Now they took it out and you can't smoke anywhere. It's so lame. Nothing's fun anymore. Nothing's fun anymore. At the time, my girlfriend went to this school called Oberlin. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember over there. I would go there because they'd always have like cool concerts and like

you know everyone just make fun of me and call me a townie but like i could go there and pretend to be a student i could get beers for 25 cents on monday it was kind of amazing dude would you pretend to be a student at overland i mean i just looked like a student when i did a semester abroad in spain in madrid you smoke in the classroom so the professor would smoke and kids would be smoking crazy

Those were the days. - Well, actually, I remember when my mom, my mom went to the University of Akron when I was a kid, and I definitely remember you could smoke in the classroom there. - That's awesome. - That's amazing. - In the mid '80s. But yeah, anyway, we found ourselves kind of living in Akron at 21, and I hadn't seen Dan in like a year, and I ran into him. And he had this bar band that was playing like four or five nights a week around Northeast Ohio.

And he was making, that's how he supported himself. Yeah, we would just do like three hour sets. I would just play anywhere. What would you play? Just covers, mostly old songs. Yeah. Old country songs, blues songs. Sometimes I'd play solo if they just wanted a duo. I'd bring, you know, whatever they needed. It's still so crazy to hear that that worked out for someone. You know what I mean? Like when you hear like someone's playing covers at a bar and that like you evolve into a super successful musician. To his credit, he called me and was like,

Well, ran into each other. We ran into each other and he told me what he was up to. And I was like, oh yeah, I just got this, like this new kind of recorder. I just had like got a credit card and kind of went into debt. Cause I was so miserable. I was like, maybe I can record bands about this thing for a thousand dollars. And, uh, I told him about it. He's like, well, you should record my band. And I was like, yeah, well, you guys should come over to my house. The one in the hood by LeBron school. And, um,

i set up at the time and this is like right before september 11th this is like september 8th or something

And anyway, we sat on my front porch waiting for the other two guys that were playing with him. And they were only interested in playing with him if there was money involved. So they didn't come. They didn't show up. They didn't show up. And like, I had it. They didn't understand. So was this, this is what led to the two of you? So we just recorded that day. So Dan's like, you should just play the drums. And the recordings that we made that day.

we got a record deal from him. - No! - We sent him-- - Wild. - That's crazy. - Dan's like, "We should form a band." I mixed him down and gave them to him September 13th or something. - I was like, "These sound fucking cool." You know? We should send these to some labels or something. - Yeah.

isn't that what you do yeah i mean yeah that's the thing is you don't even know right yeah we didn't know we were two idiots in akron we picked a couple labels that had some of the blue stuff that i really liked and but maybe also some rock and roll things like and the label that we sent to and you know had like dr ross the harmonica boss records and stooges records oh we were like they seem really cool and this is like you put something in like a fedex package like yeah yeah cdr media mailer with a handwritten letter uh-huh basically saying

We're ready to work. Help us out. - Dan sent them out to like maybe 15 labels. And we heard back from like maybe three. One of them is in Austin, Chicken Ranch. And I'm still buddies with the guy that runs it. - Really? - Yeah. So he was like, "Well, I'll put your record out." And then this label, Estrus, like a punk label out of Bellingham, Washington,

So like if you come to Bellingham and play a show, we'll talk to you. And like, you know, that's out of the question because it's like 3,000 mile drive. And then this label in Burbank said, if you send me 12 songs, you know, I'll put it out. And then they sent a contract that was like that long that just...

the most bulletproof thing that we've ever signed. We're still trying to get around it. Yeah, yeah. It's impenetrable. Yeah, that's how it started. And then we made this record in my basement and then sent it off to the label. And then the guy sent us back 50 LPs and 200 CDs. And we're like, OK, what do we do now? And he's like, the guy, Patrick, who ran the label Alive, was like, you need to go on tour.

And we're like, okay, what does that mean? He's like, well, I know this guy, and he's going to book you a tour. He's just going to have to get in a van and go. So we got this email a couple weeks later. It was like, here are your dates. I still have this print. I want to get that framed. Yeah, it's kind of insane. But it's basically like, here's three weeks of shows. And, you know, it was just the name, the address, the phone number, and then the deal points, which is like,

Two beers, $50. Right. Okay.

$50 guarantee. 10% off the food. Exactly. Like, yeah. A sandwich, but no surprise. We did clubs like that where they were like, I did a club one time where he was like, yeah, you get, you get 20% off like an entree. But not the steak or the lobster or anything good. And so when, you know, this was summer 2002, we get, we, my brother tags along my younger brother, Michael, and we get in my minivan and we,

just go I would neither one of us had a credit card oh my God we were just really free balling out there starting a life of road beef yeah sorry banging checks in vans what's up dude I always felt bad for comics because I mean sorry not for comics for um musicians because like Tom and I we've been on we've been doing the road too for like 15 20 years you know as comics and like

you go do those awful morning radio things at like 5 a.m. And I would always see like the bands just unloading, like they'd stumble out of a van, hungover, filthy, and just like dazed because they're like, we were just in another city last night, you know? And they're like, can we shower here? And you're like, wow, that's even worse than a comedian because at least in the beginning of a comedy career, you're posted up in one city for like hours

four or five nights doing six shows. So we get to stay in a shitty hotel and you're not eating great, you're not living great, but at least you're in one place.

Oh, yeah. Bands, it seems so much more brutal because you're in a different city every night and you're not sleeping, you're not eating, you're not showering. It's savage. Yo. For the first decade. It's savage for a few years. First decade. We couldn't afford to stay in the city we were playing if it was like a cool city. Oh, my God. If we were playing New York City, maybe in New York we would go and get a room with the Howard Johnsons on Houston. Yeah.

But yeah, like we'd be in LA, play the show and we'd have to. Somehow always be the basement room. Yeah. Yeah. We'd get the fuck out of there. We had to, yeah, we would just take, I would just take like the yellow jackets and just the trucker pills and just drive until I couldn't anymore. Yellow jackets. He was just, he was just, I would always just fall asleep to the sound of Art Bell and the highway. Oh yeah. Yeah. He would just have Art Bell on and just. There's a,

Just like... Yeah. Just gacked out driving. Trucker speed. Dude, if I had done like six more months of that, dude, I would have just been completely insane. Yeah. I bet. Yeah. Do you feel like it's kind of... I know it's all you know now and there's...

There's a few other people that have done this, but isn't it kind of a flex to feel like it's the two of you when bands are always four, five, six, and more? The fact that you can do what you do with two, I think it's super impressive. Well, when we first started the band, that day when we made the demo, our neighborhood friend was hanging out with me. He was going to help. This guy, Gabe.

So initially, the band was three of us. And Gabe played the Moog synthesizer. He was playing the bass on that. And that's what our demo kind of had. And then within a few months, he stopped coming to practice. And he didn't have a car. He was living with his parents. I was like, dude. He was living with his parents, but his parents were a block away from him. Oh, come on now. I was like, dude, you've got to come to practice. Come on. He's like, dude, I got to go.

I have an astronomy test. I was like, dude, you've got an F in astronomy. Yeah. Like, are you going to be an astronomer, dude? No. No, come on. And then eventually, like, Dan, I'm like, if...

If we keep him in the band, like, it's going to be horrible. Yeah. And we're like, okay. So we got rid of him. And then. Which was very easy to do. Very easy. Well, yeah, you got another astronomy test. You got to go. Yeah. We parted ways. And then we tried to get a third person in. And we both realized that we were so serious about doing this that, like, and we understood each other, I think, enough.

that if we let a third person in, it could just be a complete fucking disaster. Sure, yeah. But we were also in Akron. There was like no music scene. To play a show, we had to drive to Cleveland. You know, I mean, there was, we couldn't find anybody. You know, Gabe tells this story so much, right? Like all the time.

Who does it? Gabe. I'm still boys with Gabe. Talk to him a couple times a year. Do you know how many bars this has come up in? Oh, my God. This is a story. You come on, and he's like, you know. No, I mean, the older we get, the more.

How grateful I am that it's just the two of us. I can't imagine being in a group, a big group of people trying to get stuff accomplished. When you see the five, six-piece bands, you're like, shit, or more? Yeah. But for a long time, it was very insular with us because we would go play these shows. We wouldn't have the money to hang around the club. We weren't really able to socialize with the other bands there. And so actually, that's something that's happened in the last couple of years where we've actually been way more out there

hanging out with other musicians, bringing them around. It's been really good for us. Fun too, right? And also we don't have to be in a band with them. We can just hang out with them. Yeah, that's nice. Because it does seem like over time, you guys in a bigger group, there's fights about money and who's the front guy, who's popular, who's not, I guess. That's what you hear. It's got to be so hard, but it's just the two of you, so that's good. Well, I feel like every band always kind of

Like the Gallagher brothers, which I know you're friends with, mate. I feel like every band, even if it was four people, it always kind of reversed down to like two people. Yeah. It's really about that. But yeah, I mean, a couple weeks ago we were in town and we went to the...

the mothership of being in that green room and watching all the comics hang out. I was like, this is something that never happens with musicians. And this is, it would be way cool if it did, you know, the group hang. Yeah. It's so important. Cause you guys are more isolated and the musicians I've known are more introverted. Definitely.

Whereas we just sit around and abuse each other in a room so much more. Well, we sit around and just make fun of the other band that's next door. Oh, of course. Comedians too. We're united in the people we hate. That's how you're friends with a comic. It's like, who sucks? Yeah, that guy fucking sucks. United in hate. Yeah, that's really what it is. So much shit talking. So much shit talking. Elite level shit talking. I don't know. We haven't heard it too much.

When we go like, you know, we hang around comedians. No? I'm always surprised, honestly. That they're not doing that? Yeah, I feel like maybe the new generation doesn't do it as much or something. I don't know. No, they do. They do. They hate, everybody hates it. Yeah, they all hate. Everyone's a hater. Yeah. They hate so hard. You know what's so funny? We were talking about that, that comedians, well, stand-ups anyway, are just mean. Yeah. Like, we have the ability. The difference between like,

An actor, a pure actor, right? And a comedian is that the comedian has a mean streak. Like the actor's more genuine, like sincere. Yeah, stand-up comedian. And we were talking to a comedian friend of ours who's also an actor. He was saying he's on this movie set. And we were like, how's this person there? He's like, well, you know.

he's really nice, but it's like, you know, I was like, look at this fucking guy. And then he said, the guy was like, what? He's like, you can't, you can't like joke around with a lot of them because they're all just such in like that headspace of like, why would you say that? He's like, Oh, nevermind. Like he couldn't, he couldn't joke around.

But there are bands you guys hate and you guys talk shit about. For sure. For sure. We definitely used to talk a lot of shit back in the day. But like, you know. We couldn't do an interview without Pat talking shit about somebody. Yeah. Getting us in trouble. That's so cool. That's so much fun. So much fun. Let's do it right now. Yeah. Who do we hate right now? Who sucks? Fucking. Fucking Lady Gaga. She sucks, right? Yeah. She's the worst, dude.

You know, I had a couple. I used to use Twitter a lot. I'm scared of it. Oh, you would use Twitter to talk shit? I had one really good tweet once. Here we go. It was just, it just was a, it just was a,

Moves like Jagger, period. Sounds like shit. That's the kind of stuff I was into. But now I don't do that anymore. But you see that right there, like that's the...

Anyone who's an expert in a field, you can critique things through a different lens. It's like sometimes comedy will be celebrated or popular and then comedians shit all over it because they see kind of the holes in it. They see the tricks, you know, the dance moves, we call them, of like making that work. But like there's like a very catchy, let's say, pop song that like musically you're like, this is garbage. Yeah. But...

A lot of people don't grasp that, right? They're just like, no, this is great. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we like is probably very hard to listen to for most people. Really? Me too. I like awful things nobody likes. Do you guys like... Well, I don't think they're awful, but do you guys like Bauhaus? I'm sure your major influence is Bauhaus. I like certain...

bands from that scene but I like Jesus and Mary Chain Love Jesus and Mary Chain But I don't listen to Bauhaus much My favorite is that I actually don't know one man that listens to Bauhaus I know a lot of women that listen to Bauhaus Our agent is

He's very musically inclined, is really good on piano, and he has a really good ear for music. He also has a lot of-- he's one of these music history guys. You're having dinner, and a song comes on, and he tells you all about the recording session. And he knows all these music stories. And we're at a dinner, and we're just going through. It's like, oh, this thing about Diana Ross. And then Michael Jackson comes on, and he's telling us Motown stories.

And then all of a sudden he's like, I got to tell you, man, your wife, I don't know what that shit is that she listens to, man. He knows all the music. He's like, her music, man, I don't know what the fuck that shit is.

That's okay. They only invented a whole genre. A whole gothic genre. Shout out to Bauhaus. Okay. Whatever. I also drum too. It's no big deal. Oh, yeah. Not so hot now, are you? She's a fucking drummer too, right? If Bauhaus needs a drummer, Kevin Haskins, you're getting old, I'm here. Okay. I drum terribly. How long have you been drumming? Just like a couple months now. A couple months. Three months. Wow. I got a kit in my playroom. No shit. No big deal.

Well, can I ask you this? Would you mind? I didn't know how to play drums when we made our first record. Really? Really. I honestly didn't even realize what the drums were supposed to do until I was about 28. Really? Oh, yeah. Well, it's a good point. I swear to God. I didn't realize you were supposed to keep time. I thought I was like, play along with the guitar. Just fucking beat the shit out of them? It's supposed to be steady. Wow.

because the music i listen to is not necessarily like rap steady yeah maybe but like a lot of the episodes didn't feel steady but i guess it was did you have like an epiphany moment where you're like holy she's supposed to keep time on these uh i mean when i'm on stage i always have to have him in my eyesight in my peripheral to follow him because he'll you know he moves his time the time moves uh-huh you know hey

can i that's just part of the sound though can i get your take on would you mind throwing on those cans for a second so i can uh oh well just like you're musicians so it's like let's let's take advantage of this so here's a newer guy maybe give him a shot we were

Fire. This is actually the kind of stuff I like to listen to. Not for musical enjoyment, but yeah. It's insane. Is this one of your weird bands you like? No, but this is like true outsider music.

Is this Bauhaus? How dare you? The kind of interesting choice is that he, songwriting-wise, is just actually laying out the whole story. Like he said, you know, you said to me that you found another guy. It's like R. Kelly. You know, so he's just, we were high school sweethearts. Right.

You texted me. I mean, it's just a story. Honestly, you know how they say humans and chimpanzees are like 97%? Yeah. This is like 97% Noah Kahan or whatever that big, huge hit song is, like Stick Season. This is like almost there. Almost there, yeah.

But that's a huge hit and that guy's selling out arenas. Would you tell this guy if you had to get would you just be like keep doing what you're doing? I'd say just that river behind him jump and jump and say drop so jump. Hey that rhymed. Yeah that wasn't... This is okay right? I mean you know it's a different style.

Just different talents. Relaxed fit. Yeah.

I want to see the stand-up version of this. I want to see people just bombing. You got it. Come to Mothership on a Sunday night. It's called Open Mic. There's regular shows you can watch, too. I know. There's a lot of it. You want to see a bomb, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to see it. I've never seen the comedy version of that. A stand-up bomb is more horrific than a music bomb. For sure. Even live. Because...

Even the fact that you could play an instrument, some other sound being there can kind of mask how poorly it's going in standup when you're just like, yeah. And so then, and then it's just physically feel it. Oh, you feel the whole room. You feel it. The anxiety suffocating. Yeah. The sweat, the flop sweat. We watched, yeah. I watched somebody flop last night and it was,

Oh, really? Yeah. Doing what? Stand up or? Yes. I went to the Kill Tony show last night. Oh, one of the nude. And then, yeah, it was a hat pole and.

It was brutal, and Tony just eviscerated the guy. Yeah, of course. Which made it fun. Imagine that for like 20, 30 minutes, though. Oh, my God. Because that's a real bomb when you're up there, and there is no ding, ding, ding, your minute is over. 20, 30 minutes. And you're getting paid, and you're the opener, and you eat shit, but then the headliner kills after you, and then you hear everybody talking about how awful you were on the way out and shit. It's brutal. It's brutal. I had a bomb so bad one time that like...

I got out. I was, I mean, I ate shit and it was a sold out room. So it was like 300 people in there and I was just pouring sweat and I had hair. So it was like kind of stuck to like here and I got off a few minutes early and then I walked. I mean, I was, you know,

like a deer in headlights. And I walk around the corner and the manager, she goes, what the fuck? And I go, what? She goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny. What was that? And I was like, I couldn't even say anything. I was like, I don't know. And the worst was that there was a second show because we do like two shows in nightclubs. And I bombed as hard on the second show. She was like, you're the worst. So when you say you bombed, was it because did you...

Did you think you were being funny and the crowd just didn't get it? I mean, specifically this incident I remember so well is that I was too new to open with the, I was opening with like what I thought was a very, you know, witty, edgy joke. And it just wasn't, it wasn't well written enough and it was too harsh. So,

So it was like opening with like the hardest hitting thing. And the audience was like, huh? And then even though I would go as I would go back into material that I knew worked, it wouldn't work because they were just so thrown the momentum. Yeah. It was just so off that, um,

Yeah, and I remember the next day, the only difference that I make, because I had to go back to that club the next day to do it again. Oh, my God. My friend was like, just don't open on that. He's like, just don't open on that. And everything was great. It was fine. It was totally fine. Yeah, it was a real lesson in like, maybe not. Maybe you're not ready for that yet. I remember doing what's called triple runs, where you drive six hours a day in the Pacific Northwest, and then you perform in bars at night. I did a biker bar.

And at the time I was like trying to be real smart because I studied philosophy and it was like first five minutes of philosophy jokes for the bikers. It was so like I bombed so hard Tommy. It was like 20. I did a 25 minute set in like 10 minutes.

And I was in the alleyway, you know, just crying. You're like, fuck, dude. I bombed at the hospital one time. Really? What? I went with a buddy. He had his upright bass and I had acoustic guitar. And a friend had a fiddle. And we went and played for the people in the cancer ward. And you bombed? And we were going room to room, you know. And we went into this guy was just hooked up to all these wires. You know, he looked like the back of a stereo. Just like wires everywhere.

and we played him a song and we're like, "Let's play this guy another one." "Sir, you want us to play another one?" He said, "I'm good." - I mean, to be fair, if I was sick as fuck and someone walked in with their acoustic guitar and I could do anything. - Oh my God. - It's almost like a, what's it called? A sleep paralysis. - Just a little gentle lullaby for him. - No, thanks. - I'd rather this end now. - Yeah.

I'm so picky about music, too, that I hate easily 99% of anything. If you took everything on Spotify, I would hate 99% of it. Imagine someone not knowing that and then walking in and just like, I've selected a song for you.

And I know you're sick as fuck. Yeah. There's no chance. It'd be fun to watch you watch that. That's what I want to see now. You're filled with rage as a disease tears through your body. You're just like, leave the room. Well, there was this thing. He couldn't reach the button to get the nurse. Committing suicide. I think he's really relaxed right now. I did this thing for Vice News right when they launched where I was like their music critic for a month. Mm-hmm.

And it was literally brand new, like Vice News. They didn't know, they didn't really know what this whole thing was going to be. Yeah, so it just ended up with me just on headphones just shit talking. Everything. I liked a couple things. Is there anything you particularly enjoy right now that's come out in the last couple? What's the weird music you like? I told you mine, you tell me yours now. Well, but I'm saying something newer. My stepdaughter is really into 100 Gecs. Oh. And I...

I dig some of that. No, you know what? We've been doing these record hangs where we take, you know, kind of like playing old 45s. They throw in a dance party essentially, but only playing 45s. And that's kind of led us the last year into like a deep listening, like searching for these records.

searching for these 45s, trying to find songs that we'd never heard before. I guess the goal is to find something that should have been a hit that's not a hit. Right. Yeah, that people hear and go crazy, but no one knows.

ungoogleable. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's so many songs out there. It's crazy. So many songs. Every time you look, you find something. I think Brian Simpson was the one at the Mothership that brought out the I'm Alive song. Oh my God. That we started playing so much, but I had never heard before. I'd never heard that song. We hadn't heard it till last year.

And our buddy Kelly Finnegan was like, have you heard this Johnny Thunder song? Yeah. How have we not heard that? How have we not heard that? Yeah. It's the greatest song. It was such a great song. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the kind of shit that we play at these record hangs. It's been really fun. That's cool. You know. It's cool because we'll invite like a friend to come do it with us and then just, you know,

take photos of like half the records and go buy them. That's cool. Friendly competition. Friendly competition. But it is like you're sharing like the secret. Like, do you know this one? Do you know this one? Yeah. That's a fun thing to do. Yeah. Yeah. Are you guys friends with the Insane Clown Posse? Never met him. Oh, well they were in here and we love to ask musicians this question. There's only two of you in the band. Have you guys ever gone airtight? I don't know what airtight means, but I can imagine him.

I mean, you guys are close. So how close have you been? I mean, pretty close. Oh, okay. Nice. I mean... But on a check, you guys have gone airtight, ever?

You know, there's no air seeping out of her. You know what I mean? Wow. I thought that was called a tower of power. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, to be airtight, Gabe would have to join the band. Because there's three inputs. But yeah, life will tower her, I guess.

Is that a yes? Because you guys are kind of weird about it. Oh, shit, it is. Come on. Oh, my God. It's a maybe. It wasn't a no. It wasn't a no. They've been in the band forever. They're rock stars. Of course they have.

They're like, which city are you talking about? That's so awesome. Yeah, which time? Yeah, of course they've done that. That's so exciting. Well, transitioning out of the airtight story, do you... All right, I'll show you these clips. Will you just tell me your honest reaction to whether you think this is horrible or hilarious? Really hard to watch. Guess what? She's okay. She's okay? She's okay. Okay. Yeah. That's...

Yeah, that's horrible. I find that horrible. Okay. Yeah. Agreed. Okay. Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh! Hell no. You enjoyed that. Yeah, that was great. That was a good time. That was a good one. He's drunk. God saves the drunks, right?

That scream was really gonna be great. It's too bad they cut it off. It was just starting to develop there. This is like... Dan and I were just talking last night about what sick fuck if you could meet the sick fucker that

that was making the Faces of Death compilation. In the 80s. Who's responsible for that? I want that documentary. And I want to thank them because we love that shit in high school. And how did all the 14 and 15 year olds get a hold of those VHS? So nuts. Dude, the goth kids love that shit. Where did you find that pre-internet, all those videos? I know. That's gotta be a story. And getting that tape around. That was awesome. Like for something that was on a tape

for so many eyeballs to have seen it. Yeah, how do they do that? It's not like sending a video around today. Because they didn't sell it, right? They'd have to understand distribution. Right. They'd have to be a sick... Maybe this could... We could be talking about the singer from Bauhaus. Maybe the one... It's Peter Murphy. He did Faces of Death. Peter Murphy might have done Faces of Death. Yeah.

But yeah, where are they finding the fucking video? Right? And back in the day, you had to edit it, sit down. We're working on that documentary. That's awesome. I've never found a snuff film. What do you have? Is that a J? Do you want to light it? Yeah, can I? Of course. This is your mom's house. We're not nerds. Do you have something to put in there? I know. Help yourself. I'm such a fucking nerd. Not at all. I made a record with Hank Jr.,

And he lit a cigar up in my studio and I said, "Wow, no one's ever smoked a cigar in my studio." He said, "Icons don't ask." - Yeah, agreed. - That's pretty rad. - Dave Chappelle doesn't ask to smoke cigars in the club either. - He doesn't have Gucci shades. - Of course. - Chappelle is like so well known for this. They'll be like, "You can't smoke in here." And he's just like, "Huh?" And I was at something with him and I was like, "Hey, can I get one of those?"

lit it up and the guy behind the bar was like hey you can't smoke in here and i was like oh okay and then i just turned to dave and i was like i'm gonna put this out when you put it out and he's like i'll put it out when i'm done and i go okay that's what i'll do it was great wow so fun yeah it gave you strength huh yeah it totally did i was like you're doing it so i'm doing it you can in a lot of places you can smoke on stage oh that's nice it's like a prop yeah

That's right. If you had been by yourself, they would have arrested you. 100%. Get the fuck out of here. I was like, he's doing it. He would have been tased. How's Noel Gallagher? You guys work together. He's awesome. Yeah. I love the tip. He's so funny. Both those guys are funny. He's not only funny, he's cool as shit. We just went to London and I sent him a text. I was like, we're going to be playing in London if you have any interest in

in a, doing a song with us. We were doing three nights at the same place. He's like, sure, I'll come out. I'm like, well, which night? He's like, all three. I don't know. He said, I don't have shit to do. I was like, we're also doing this TV show like the day before. If you're, if you're really interested, he's like, yeah, that's awesome. So he's basically spent a week working for free with us. That's amazing. That's cool. Well, here's this from today. This was, uh,

The answers are, look, the world is a great place. It's just inhabited by... And it's the internet's fault. Right? True words never spoken. Those guys speak truth. We got to hang out with Liam last summer. We played a show together in Milan. Afterwards, we were all staying in the same hotel. And it was one of those rare instances where...

We got to bro down with the other band. And also there was the third Gallagher brother there. I don't know if you know. There's a third? Do you guys know about Paul? Paul, the older brother. No. Paul was there. Paul was hanging. And yeah, we hung for like four hours together.

And yeah, to this day, like I get, I get DMS from Paul, like all the time. Like, Hey, I see you're in Dublin. You need to go here. If you want good Guinness, go here. That's so cool. Yeah. They're the best. Do you ever, and be honest because we're all friends now, do you ever make business calls on the toilet?

I never have. But I've sent texts. Yeah, texts, of course. You've never done calls? Yeah. Yeah. Now, when you're on the toilet and you're on a call, do you hit mute when you're not speaking and doing business? Of course. Wow.

It's normal. I don't do that. You're normal. This fucking lunatic. But I mean, I hit mute if I'm doing anything. Right. If I use the sink. Yeah, exactly. If I do anything. So that no one can hear what you're doing. Yeah, especially if I'm fucking around. I don't like when people are fucking around. He doesn't hit mute enough because he uses those earbuds. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes his kids will come running into the kitchen. I'm like, dude, I can't fucking hear you. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, she pisses and shits. It actually sounds insane. It's just like... She's pissing. Flushing. That pee must be getting loud because it compresses. But here's the deal, man. So we called our merge guy who I've been doing that to secretly. I've pooed and peed on the felon during our hour-long talks.

He had no idea. And furthermore, he was like, yeah, but I would never think that because you're a lady. So I feel like I get away with it. What is it about this guy that you were trying to lord over him like that? Do you think I'm trying to like... What is this? It's not him. It's just I don't talk to many people on the phone. He happens to be like one of the three or four people I talk to. I never fucking... Who talks on the phone? You know what I'm saying? Like it's text, it's voice notes. Everybody mutes. Everybody.

Everybody is. I guess. Not me. I like them to know what's up. Dan's a big phone talker. You are? Yeah. He's old school. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. I only talked about three people on the phone. My dad. Right. Dan. Santa Claus. And Miss Cleo. That makes sense. Drummers, from what I hear, are a little...

We are a little weird sort now. Like, slightly autistic, maybe a little... So, I don't know. Are you type A? What's your thing? I think there's a lot of really funny drummers, like Josh Fries. Do you know Josh? Why does that sound familiar? I don't know. He plays with everybody. He's in Foo Fighters now, but he also plays with, like... Is he a blonde dude? Yeah. Yeah. He's hilarious. Yeah, I've seen that guy. He's an insane drummer, but he's also...

very funny there's a lot of funny drummers yeah there you go funny musicians there's a lot of funny musicians definitely in general i mean yeah i mean noel and liam are both kind of they can make you pee your pants i think yeah i wonder if they can drum what's that i wonder if they can play the drums oh for sure they hang out when you hang out do you hang out together with them no no

no they won't hang out together you don't know this about the guys i was making the i didn't know this was a good question they're done that'd be crazy if we they hung out together so it's like i didn't know if this incident was hanging out together no does the older brother paul does he hang out with both of his brothers i think he hangs out with liam yeah but um you know we love all gallagher brothers equally yeah true story wow okay do you know anybody that still eats their boogers

My son. Yeah. Damn.

Actually, my two-year-old really, really is into that. Eating them. She's into also me eating, like putting them in my mouth. No. That's crazy. Or transplant. Yeah, transplant. Gnarly. Booger transplant. That's the only like human being on earth that you allow that with you. Oh, yeah. It's like your kid. For sure. I know, like the other day, my boy was chewing some gum. He's like, I hate this. And he put it in my hand and I just hate it. Yeah. Like,

Most people... Yeah, I don't care about their dookie. I don't care about their... I sit on... They pee on the toilet seats constantly. I just sit down on the seat. Sometimes I forget to wipe or don't look. I don't care. I don't care. Yeah, it's not like stinky old man pee. No, it's different. It's not like his. Basically water. Whatever. I don't stink. Yeah, it is like water. Ew. I don't stink. Everything about you is stinky now. Your pee smells like coffee all the time. Whatever.

Can your wives identify what you've eaten by your fart smells? I wonder. Speaking of this, I was talking to someone about squirting the other day. Yeah. I mean, couldn't you just prove what it is by just eating a bunch of asparagus? Oh.

Right. Wow. I hadn't really heard that floated out there. I still hear the back and forth. Prove it. People adamant that it's pee. People adamant that it isn't pee. Well, just eat the asparagus. Dude, this is such a good point. Wait 30 minutes and we'll find out. Or, bro, homie, even fucking better, beets. Bro, because when you eat beets, it gets right. Yeah. And then unless the color. I think asparagus is better.

- 'Cause it might affect the devil. - 'Cause it could be, there's sometimes, you know. - It could affect other secretions. - Let's try it, you're a big time squirter, why don't you do it tonight? - I can't remember not squirting a day of my life, you know what I'm saying? Can't squirt for shit. - Check this out, this guy is trying to get out of going to the war in Ukraine.

Oh, shit, dude. No, dude. No, dude. No, bro. He's like, I don't want to go. I can't. I didn't watch it. I can't watch it. But guess what? No battle for him. He's done. It's over. Okay. I can't watch that shit, man. Okay. Oh, my God. That was cool, Tom. Wow.

That's what I think was a Greg Allman did that shot himself in the foot. Did he really? I would shot his brother in the foot or something like that. Really? Yeah. No shit. Yeah. Crazy, bro. That is really crazy. Honestly, like that would be the person that you'd want to send over there. Crazy motherfucker. He shoots himself. You're right. He shot himself in the foot. It says right here. Like this guy would do anything. I would do. I wouldn't want to go to fucking Vietnam. No.

Fuck them. I'd be out, dude. I'd go live in like Puerto Rico or Mexico or... I'm out, homie. No, my dad went down there and signed up. Send me over there. He volunteered for them. Yeah. Wow. What year was that? 60...

Eight, something like that. So after the Tet Offensive, it was horrible, and he went over. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucking loves the Marine Corps. Right. Well, loved. Yeah. But, like, yeah. He's thrilled. Nothing better than Vietnam. Solid citizen. Really? Yeah. I mean, he loved getting out of there, but he fucking loved the Marine Corps. Dude, we had so many friends whose dads had a real hard time over there. Like, I remember spending the night, I'm not going to name names, but one buddy's house.

and the dad was just always asleep on the couch all day. And I was like, man, the dad's always really tired. - He had a canoe hanging up in the garage, just filled with Budweiser cans. - Well, that was a different person to his dad. There were a lot of these dads. - Oh, that was the other one. - Oh yeah. - There were a lot of the dads. - Traumatized. - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah, one of the dads came over to my house. I had like a male babysitter one time and he like, and my friend was over there and wouldn't leave. And so the babysitter was like, get out of here. Hit him on the back of the head, you know, get out of the house.

the guy's dad came over took my babysitter pinned him up against the wall yeah inside my house yeah I got crazier stories out of my dad as he because when I was a kid I would always ask what was war like he just wouldn't yeah you know I wasn't I was in charge so it wasn't really like that and then there's incredible first-person stories on YouTube that yeah you were watching pretty heavy oh yeah oh yeah

About how crazy the war is. Oh, yeah. Just crazy-ass stories, yeah. Yeah. Once I got older, he started telling me more real stories. And I was like, holy shit. Yeah. Very crazy stuff. Ugh. Probably, uh...

throwing grenades into bunkers and like pulling people out of it. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. But a lot of good comedians came out of having dads go to Vietnam. You know what I'm saying? A lot of creative people were traumatized children. Emotionally unavailable parents. He was kind of checked out. Was he? Yeah. Yeah.

Emotionally checked out. Yeah. Oh, I bet. Yeah. Oh yeah. Missing in action. Yeah. What do you think? What's that? What's that? That's probably the thing I heard the most. What's, what was his, what was, what were some of his hobbies? Hobbies? Yeah. Uh, he was Olympic weightlifting, which he loved. Um, and then he got into, I mean, he was golf, uh,

You know, go on runs. He's a news junkie. He was always reading news, watching news. He was like an intelligent, articulate guy. Chess. He was always playing chess. He loved chess. He sounded like he had a good dad. No, he was a good dad. He was a great dad. He was a great dad. And he also...

He did that thing where I think, because a lot of Vietnam vets, you bring up Vietnam and they kind of like, I don't want to talk about it. And his thing was like, what do you want to know? And he would just tell you in detail everything. But I think that's...

how the trauma, like he was still traumatized. It just manifested differently through him. For him, it was by talking that I think, and by almost giving off the idea that he wasn't deeply traumatized. And then over time you're like, oh, you're deeply traumatized by this. It's just, it's shaped you differently. It affects people differently, you know? Oh, for sure. Like his brother, my uncle, he flew 600 missions in Vietnam.

So he bombed 600 times and, and like, but his, he's not an open book about, he doesn't, he doesn't enjoy conversations, you know? So how many years was he over there? My uncle? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, he was a career air force guy. So he was there a long time, flew a lot. My dad wasn't, my dad was in action over there for like six, nine months, but he was in the Marine Corps for longer. Right. Yeah.

Did he get injured over there? No. No, he didn't get injured. He was a lieutenant, so he had a platoon of like 70 men. But yeah, I think what really actually fucked him up the most was losing Minton. You know what I mean? That's the thing that stuck with him, seeing people right next to you die. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, my dad, he's retired now, but he worked for the Akron Beacon Journal as a writer. And the last couple of years before he retired, he was the one that would cover all the...

Any soldier that was killed from northeast Ohio, so he'd just go into a funeral, I guess every couple weeks. It's got to be a good day. I think it really was hard for him, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, to be around that just has to be so sad. Oh, man. I had a bunch of friends that, like literally five, six friends that joined the National Guard when we were like 18, 1998. Yeah.

So that they could get the GI Bill, and all of them had to go to Iraq. No. Fuck. That sucks, dude. I think it was like a six-year thing, reserves, and it was like they were all just about to be done. I can't think, I mean, there's no, none of us probably go like, oh, that'd be a war that I'd like to be a part of. Like, there's no war where you're like, I'd like to be involved in that. It just all sounds horrible. Yeah, I mean, no. Yeah. Yeah.

Especially in our lifetime, I'm saying. For some reason, you look back on how World War II played out. It's just a different... Yeah, that's true. You're like, what are we fighting for right now? What are we doing? Yeah, World War II. It's weird because everybody's grandfather was in World War II. Yeah. But that really felt like good and evil kind of sides. Well, not real knucklehead. My grandfather was also... Yeah, he was an officer.

He has a PhD in organic chemistry, but his role in World War II was in the army. He was at Fort Bragg, and he was put in charge of trying to build a Japanese pillbox so they could figure out how to blow it up. So he was given this part of land to build this structure.

and a bunch of dynamite, and it was just solid bedrock. He said he spent, or granite or something, he said he spent like, you know, three months, and they'd only gotten down like four feet. They're supposed to go down like 40 feet. So he kept asking for a different part of Earth to fuck with, and he said he spent the whole war just blasting a hole that never, it was really insane. It sounds kind of fun. Crazy. Blows shit up though, right? Well, I just feel like that type of...

Maybe like, you know, I don't know, insane task. Yeah. Like, yeah, maybe there's a lot of that in the military. Yeah. Definitely. Well, for people that want to see you guys, are we going to be hitting the road? We were supposed to be this fall and that we had a whole tour that was actually doing really well. But our manager told us to cancel it because they had a better idea.

Managers often do. And then there was no other idea. Oh, that's cool. So we don't have a tour and we don't have a manager. Oh, great. Because we parted ways with them yesterday. Oh, congratulations. So this is a hot scoop. While we were here. Oh, yeah. Okay. Good. You heard it here first. Oh, yeah.

We're free-balling. Lucky's looking for management. There you go. But congrats on the new album, Ohio Players. Thank you so much. People can stream and purchase and get it anywhere you can, anywhere music is available. Yeah, Napster. But we will for sure be putting dates up. We'll be on tour. We're going to do some stuff this fall. We're going to try to... You know, we just did this tour of Europe where we did like...

we're doing like 5,000 seat rooms multiple nights and it's like the first time we were playing indoors that wasn't like an arena and it was just infinitely more fun. That's awesome. So I think we're going to try to do some of

some of that this fall and more of that 2025 and do some festivals and yeah and we've been throwing these record hangings we'll be doing those throughout the fall we'll help you come through Austin we'd love to come to the show oh yeah we will for sure thank you thank you guys for coming in thanks for having us thank you you guys are awesome thanks guys bye thanks

Listen here.

How do you get a job here, you fuckface? Well, not by talking like that. Well, you know what? You're fired, buddy. What's up there, Jomo? You're talking to me? I'm a fucking American, you fuck. You're not touching my camera through the fence, you faggot. I'm going to talk to the sheriff's department about you, buddy, okay? Go get him. Go get him. Touching my camera through the fence, you faggot. You know what? You're fired, okay? You didn't follow the photo. How do you get a job here, ass?

You know who I'm gonna call in? Yeah, I take cops badges all the time dude. You know who you're talking to? The retired double agent there, you fucking V-turn. You fucking V-turn. You fucking V-turn. You just lost your life, okay, as far as your job goes. You threatened my life? I told you to take your job. You threatened my fucking life? That's not what you said, asshole. Well, we're changing it to job because you take it out of context there. What's your name anyways?

How do you get a job here, you fuckface? Tata, there we go.