Paul Virzi Is HORRIFIED | Ep. 748
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Can we be honest for a second about Austin? I mean, it's disgusting downtown. I mean, I can't wait to get out of this shit hole. Your mom is a cockroach. Just fucking... Do you have any cash for me? My dad actually sat my older brother down and he goes, just marry a rich woman. And my brother was like, what? How do you do that, dad? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Buongiorno. Oh. I miss you. I haven't seen your pretty little face in so long.

I'm serious. Look at those pretty blue eyes. I know. We both had... We crossed paths. We're gigging. Gigging, bro. You went to your home country, Canada. Yeah. There's a famine. There's a dictator up there and people aren't having...

Even the food, it's a very, very dark and depressing place. But you spent time there, visited your people. And then you were one of the few refugees that escaped. But then you went to Meat Rattle. I did. It was amazing. Two shows sold out. And the Mecca for Gays. You went to San Francisco. It's just like the gays. It is just like the gays. I had such an amazing, all amazing shows. All amazing. I saw the Lightning Crew, my goth friends in SF that I grew up with. Exciting.

And I mean, I don't want to, should I get into what happened? Or I don't want to blow my load. Save it. But I'm happy to see you. I haven't seen you. You're so handsome. You work so hard lately. Thank you. You're handsome too. Handsome woman. Thank you. I feel like you've gotten grayer since I last saw you. I probably have. My body is slowly falling apart.

The meat's rotting off the bone. Yeah. Everything's, I'm dying. Me too. We're both slowly dying and I'm almost going to be 50, which means I only have 20 good years left. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I tell you what I've decided to do since I only have like 20 good years? Yes, you really do. Yeah, that's it. You have 20 summers. You should really, that's a good way to look at it. A hundred percent, dude. Somebody, I forget who said that, some fucking gay influencer probably, but.

If you start counting it like that, I have 20 summers. I do. 20 falls. Yes. You know what I mean? 20 Christmases, all that stuff. That's why I'm back on Lexapro, number one. Great. Great. Great. Thank you. Thank you. I've decided that I've had enough feelings for 47 years. I've gone as far as I can and I'm ready to dull that shit down a little bit. That's cool. And just get happy again.

Also, I'm planning on drinking a lot more. I'm basically just really enjoying these last 20 years. 20 years of drinking will do it right. It'll make sure that the final five are spectacular. Porosos. Porosos. Make friends. So I'm basically, yeah, I've decided to just dial it up for the last 20 years of my life. And that's it, dude. Because past 70, life isn't good, right? Isn't not good.

It can be a real decline. 70 is usually like, if you make it to 70 with no serious health issues, you're in a real special category. Some people do. Some people do. Some people make it through that whole next decade without serious health issues. You're kind of a genetic anomaly at that point. I mean, your genetics play a huge role in how you go out. Well, here's my problem. Here's what we know. Yeah.

I'm going to have a rough go. Oh, you're dead. Yeah, you go one foot in the grave already. I am not going to exit this world in a pleasant way. Not true. Here's why. And you and I both have this in our genetics. We've got one dud genetically. And one roach. And one cockroach. Now my dad is the cockroach and your mom is the cockroach. Just fucking. Do you have any cash for me? Yeah, just waiting in the corner. Yeah, and my dad lives off of

vodka, Viagra, and sausage. Unreal. That's it. And he's fine. And he's fine. Kicking it. Living life. My mom smoked for fucking 60 years. I know. Meanwhile, my other mom. Give me a cigar. Yeah. She smokes. You know what your mom eats? You need to watch your diet. Yeah. And you know what your mom eats?

A bag of Starbursts in bed for dinner. And bread. Panettone. Toast with a strawberry jam and monster cheese. Monster. She literally eats like a toddler. It's either fried chicken, fried French fries or Starbursts. My dad doesn't even eat Starbursts.

Anyway, and then my mother just had a lot of mental illness. And I feel like that shuts your body down. And cancers and all this other stuff. And she took care of it. She actually tried to take care of herself a little bit. Dude, my dad's side is. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. It is a roll of the dice. I know. So there were four kids from his family, right? His mom died of cancer. His dad died of cancer. His older brother died of cancer somewhat early.

His little sister died of cancer a little early. He died of cancer. And then there's one rock biter. Yeah. Still going in his 80s. Guy's just still grinding shit out, eating his own teeth.

Fucking angry. He's okay. Quiet. Angry and quiet. Yeah. There's always one cockroach in the family. And I think I have. Fucking purple heart recipient. Fucking NOM. 600 missions in NOM. Fucking still going. I think the anger keeps you alive. The fire. Yeah. The rage. But that's a lot of C. Took out a whole fucking family.

And then on my mom's side, dad died of a stroke. Yeah. Young or pretty young. Mom died, went out horribly, but in her eighties and then of her, so her and her two sisters are alive. Yeah. And they're all up there. Yep. Of her brothers, there were four brothers, one's alive, the rest dead. The men don't do well in your family. No, no. And guess what I am for right now? A man. Yeah.

Until I start taking my estrogen injections. You got to transition. Yeah. Here's the deal, man, is that I do know that my mom, by the time she was my age, already had

heart problems and this is right about when like cancer starts showing up we are more informed and we definitely are more health conscious than this generation like i take better care of myself i do checkups i get physicals i do watch what i eat i do exercise so you know there are things in my favor but you still you still throw the dice down and you go like what's happening you just don't know you just at that especially when you hit

65, 70, forget it. That's it. You just don't know. You're just dead. Every day is a gift. You just wake up and you're like, ah, guess what? Pancreas shut down. Like you don't have a fucking choice. It just happens. Your body just prepares you for death. Slowly shutting down. Speaking of while I'm still alive. Sure. Go ahead. I will be in San Antonio, Texas on March 8th, wherever the Spurs play. Two days later, I will be in Belton, Texas, uh,

On March 10th. There's a Dallas date. I guess it's March 9th. That's at American Airlines Arena. And then...

We added a second show in St. Augustine, Florida. That is on March 13th. The one on the 15th is sold out. So we added one at the Amphitheater in St. Augustine on March 13th. March 14th, I will be in Orlando, Florida, and I will be at wherever the Orlando Magic play basketball. So get tickets, tomseguro.com slash basketball.

Also, I would like to plug some filler up sealer shuts. Yeah, plug it right in. You get a quarter inch of girth every time you get an injection. Go ahead and plug it.

I added an early show in Jew Dork Titties March 23rd at the Gramercy. The late show, I believe, is sold out. And then Ridgefield Cumnetic Hunt at the Ridgefield Playhouse the next night. A few tickets left on that. I added a late show at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. That's in a cemetery. I decided to go goth. Wow, that's real goth. In Los Angeles, my hometown, May 8th. Get your tickets now because that will get sold out. It's going to be in a cemetery. I'm pretty stoked. Wow.

That is very exciting. I'm pretty fucking stoked, bro. I will be in Los Angeles, I think, right around that time, too. You're doing the Netflix? It's the Netflix festival. I'm doing Netflix as a joke fest. I'm doing it at the Kia Forum. That is the...

It's in May. He's like, oh, you're doing the stupid cemetery? No, that's not what I meant. May 9th. I'm trying to find the date. May 9th. It's in Inglewood. Oh, I'm doing the forum. The forum. That's such a flex. Did you see that? I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, do you like... You just kept putting me down. Do you like the Showtime Lakers? Well, I'll tell a joke where the whole team used to play games. Oh, I love the Lakers. Lots of...

That's why we go to those games, those compression shorts. They don't compress a lot when they run, if you know what I'm saying. Salt burn. I got something special for you. Yeah? Yeah. Let's open the show. Here we go. I need a good emo girl to jerk me off and then spit on me. Mad respect. I like that guy.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsin. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

You are my sweet baby daddy. I made two sons with you. You came inside of me twice. Yeah. That was exciting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that guy a lot, huh? That was cool. Chirp me off. That's really nice. Thank you. You like that? Cool guy club. Yeah.

I haven't had a cool guy in a minute. We haven't. And he's got all the components, shit lighting, shit angle. You know, we didn't, have we mentioned the reflection and the glasses need to be there of whatever it is? That's very cool when you do that. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny how these guys don't even know each other and they all do the same thing. Isn't that interesting? The angle is perfect. And do you realize what he's doing here? He is doing what they teach you when you're a young man. So you don't know this. When you're a young man, all you want to do is come. Sure. Okay.

And you don't know, you just don't know how to make it. I mean, you know how to do it yourself, but you want someone else to do it like he's saying. Yeah. And so what you're told is swallow your pride and shoot your shot. And if you take enough swings, Babe Ruth,

And Hank Aaron, guess what? They struck out a lot. But they also hit a lot of home runs. And so what you do is you fucking just throw this out there and you see if someone goes, guess what I'd like to do today, sir? Jack you off and spit in your mouth.

And you might watch this and go, I'm not interested. But guess what? There's a couple chicks out there that are like, mm, mm, mm. Oh, yeah. This is exactly what I want to do today. Yeah. And he's just hoping for a response. He's hoping for that one special gal. So before you roll your eyes at him with disdain, I would just say. Well, I don't roll my eyes in disdain. I will say that.

We've always championed honesty, openness, and asking for what you want. And he's a go-getter. This is what he's doing. It's fine. I'm sure he didn't find it though. He's not, but here's the problem. If you want an emo chick, you yourself have to look a little emo. He's just like, but you know what this, I think really, this is not going to get you. This is not going to get him what he wants, which is a cool emo chick to do this. This is going to get him an emo chick that's like, I'll do it for her.

$500. Sure. Which, you know, I think that's fine for him. I think that's fair. $500 is a lot. Well, I'm just saying like, he's going to get the emo chick for hire. Yes. He's not going to get the emo chick who's like, oh, that turns me on, sir. Right. You know what I mean? Which is fine. I think he should, I should think he should do that. Well, I don't think he cares either way. I think he just wants to come and get spit on. Yeah. Spit in his face. Give him, give him a shit. Give him a shit. Fuck this fucking guy. God, he's so hot.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

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This is the best thing that's ever happened. These are kind of hot to read, though. It's like erotic reading, right? I don't know. And I'll tell you this. I don't know. I was told this a while ago, and I kind of didn't believe it at first. And you're going to think this might be made up on my part, but I actually believe this. Okay. Reading erotic writing and looking at erotic imagery drawn... Yeah.

Can do something for your brain that porn doesn't do. I agree. Which is that it allows your imagination to take over and your imagination is stronger and, and feed you more unless you're fucking boring. Then the porn's like,

A sloppy, greasy burger. Yeah. Your imagination, if you allow it to be, can be a fucking tasting menu. Right, because porn fills in the gaps of your preferences for you. Whereas you can also put your own preferences into your imagination. So that's what I'm saying. You read these things and you look at it. Okay, so this is a, here we go. I'm ready. I'm going to consider it. And of course, if you're wondering, what is he about to read? I'm saying that we have not stopped receiving airtight emails. Yeah.

We didn't think it existed in the real world. We thought we might get six and there's fucking 60 a day coming in from you animals. Hold on, I'm going to draw it out. Yeah, let me get my dad lenses on. Let me visualize this properly. I also have an eye appointment. Thank you very much. Oh, good for you. Why? Because I need a stronger prescription.

I have an appointment to get my upper eyelids trimmed. Oh, yeah? In LA. Nice. I'm going to go April 22nd. I can't wait to do my blephs the following day. Get my eyelids cut because they're too droopy because I'm dying. Slowly rotting. Okay, okay, let me draw what you're saying. I really want to visualize this.

And also, yes, I did make an appointment with the dick doc in Dallas. Oh, that's exciting. So here we go. Here we go. This is the email. It's the subject line is airtight discourse. Discourse. Okay. Does dick in mouth and ass. Oh, dick in mouth and ass. But female tongue in vag count. It technically does.

plug it up. Wow. Dick in mouth. And ass. Dick in ass. And a tongue in her vag, a female tongue in her vag. Oh, that. Okay. So this is thought provoking. Yes, indeed. Wow. Okay. So there's a, there's a tongue in the, okay, but that's okay. All right. Let's go on the right. Let's see what she has to say. Back in my early twenties, in my early twenties, ho phase, uh,

Me, my boyfriend at the time, my male best friend, and a girlfriend of mine were hanging out at my apartment. Us girls went to the bathroom and decided to tease the guys. So we started moaning and rubbing the walls and counter.

After a couple of minutes, I opened the door and they're sitting right there on the floor, wide-eyed. This is pretty good so far. I like it. One thing led to another. Okay. And boom, a boy, boy, girl, girl foursome. Hold on. Boy, boy, girl, girl. Wow. Yeah. It was a little awkward at times trying to coordinate new positions. But once you're locked and sealed, mama, it's a chef's kiss.

Locked and sealed. Yeah. Well, hold on. Hold on. Let me finish reading it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also around that time, I did a male, male, female, and male, female, female threesome. Jesus. So she did this foursome. She did a threesome with two guys and a threesome with two girls. Or a threesome with a boy and a girl. One of which included a youth pastor. The glory days are behind me now.

But when I'm hiding in a hot bath from my husband and kids, at least I've got a catalog of memories to relieve some tension. That's true. Love the pod, y'all. Crystal, and in parentheses, never a stripper. Crystal. Yeah. Got to tell you, Crystal, I think that's a great email. You know, speaking of living life to its fullest, there you go. This is what I should be doing in the next 20 years, the last quarter. Drinking your threesomes and foursomes?

Okay. Now hold on. Okay. Here's my question. Sure. So, so the first one it's male, male, female. Okay. Yeah. So she had one in her mouth, one in her a, in her anus and then one lick in the vag. Yeah.

So she's on all fours. Sure, sure, sure. So hold on. The problem is you have to really want anal for this configuration too. Yeah, she's into it. She wasn't a fucking zilch. See, I would put the peener in the vag. Okay. I mean, you can have your own preferences. No one's saying you're not allowed to. Well, I'm just telling you, if I were to do this, like OJ, if I were. If I did this. If I did this. Yeah. This is what I would do. Might have to do a car.

that's my sister i know i don't like that drop did you flag that and tell me that i'm playing my sister saying that girl jesus christ so she's so randy it's your soundboard man it's your soundboard that's an old one like hey sister i didn't know it was your sister that's an old drop yeah it's so gross to hear your own sister just totally change the mood

And she used to go, you know what? She also says shit on my dick. Shit on my tits. She says shit on my tits. Yeah, okay. Fuck. Do you think your sister has somebody shit on her tits? I don't know. It reminds me of this. I'm saying that me and your father are not legally married. So you're not my stepmother? I'm afraid not, honey. Wait. Wait. If you're not my stepmother, that means...

He's not my step grandpa? Look at that. No, I'm afraid he's not. Good acting. Wait, so I've been fucking some random old guy that's not even related to me? That's the disappointment. Yes. No! Oh my God, what have I done? That's pretty good. That's a really good actor. It's a good scene. Maybe we could all give it a go. Yeah. Thank you so much for that. That was really cool.

Credits. You should give them credits. Yeah, for sure. Kenzie Reeves, Joanna Rivers, and Steve Holmes. Beautiful work. You met him. You know the guy, right? You remember him? Oh, yeah. He came to our show.

Oh, right. In Irvine. Right. Years ago. Lovely. Well, it's good to see him still working. The Yoshi connection, of course. Yes. So, but back to the philosophical debate. Yeah. Does this count as airtight? One in your, a peener in your anus, a peener in your mouth, and then a tongue in your vat. Okay, here's, you're getting real technical on us here. I think it's not what we were talking about. Sure. But I think Crystal should definitely be commended. I mean, she's lived a full life. She was, she had fun. Yeah. She experimented. She tried things.

I wouldn't give her full credit for airtight. Okay. I'll give her 80% of the credit. What you're saying is essentially a best adapted screenplay. Correct. Yeah. Which is a category. The Oscars still award that.

It's just not an original screenplay. Exactly. I got you. But it's valiant effort. And actually, A, for creativity. I love the variation on the airtight theme that this presented. I didn't even know this could be a variation of the theme. It can be. I'm just excited to learn there's all kinds of ways to do this. Very cool. Very cool. Is it airtight stolen valor? Claiming to be airtight. Well, yeah.

I mean, at a party, she would go, I went airtight one time and then tell this story. I don't think that's fair. I don't think she's doing that. I think you're actually putting this on, Crystal. I think she's very clearly saying what she did. But does she claim airtight? She doesn't say that in there anywhere. She's just like, this is what I did. Threesomes and foursomes with boys and girls. Okay.

As long as the subject line doesn't say, I went airtight. It doesn't. It said airtight discourse. Okay. So she says, she just says, I want to be in on the dialogue. Honest. It's not stolen valor. All right. It's airtight stolen valor. Yeah. Why don't you tell the audience about your travels? This is pretty cool. And I kind of feel like it's a YMH exclusive. Wow. A YMH exclusive.

This is definitely. This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. This is pretty exciting. Go ahead. Oh, wow. Chips in a bowl, too. Cats eating kibble. So, as you know, I did Vancouver, Meat Rattle, and Manfran Disco. That's three cities. And I want to, I'm proud to say that two out of three of those cities, I destroyed and blew up the hotel toilets. Wow.

And I was staying in nice hotels. So in Vancouver, this is the crazy part. Okay. In Vancouver, the morning I depart, I go to flush the toilet just to make number one.

And all of a sudden the water comes up and I was like, Oh, for those of you wondering, how is that possible? I can tell you why, because I've been in hotels with you and in the morning, you know, let's say I get up for my morning pee and I'll look in the toilet and there's like 40 pieces of toilet paper in there. And I'm like, what the fuck? It's a blob. Yeah. Because what happens is Christine will pee in

throughout the night wipe and not flush. So it just piles up. Yes, Tom. And I do this. So the problem is twofold. One, I don't flush because I don't want to make noise if somebody's with me. Yeah, but no one's with you. I know. So I'm in the habit. And second fold is that our Toto, I mean...

Our total flushes for me. So I forget to, I just like, don't come up consciously. There's an auto flush like a mechanism in that. So I fucking loaded it with toilet paper in Vancouver. And then I drink my coffee as we know. I have my routine. I wake up, I drink coffee. I take a shit. Now the problem is I just flushed that fucker and the water dude was like, I got lucky though. Okay. Cause it rose right to the top where the fucking the seat is. And I was like,

Dude, like it was about to overflow and it didn't. And I was like, now I have to shit. So what do you do? I'll tell you what you do. What do you do? I'll tell you. I'll pull the room, but I'll tell you what I do. Okay. I'll tell you what I do. Go ahead. If I saw the water, I was like, I got to take a shit. I would go down to the lobby of the nice hotel and shit down there. May I add another component to the story? Sure.

My ride was downstairs. It was go time, already ready to go. So that means... We're going to go take a dump. We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it. Yeah, okay.

That means that I was ready to go out for the time. So that means I have to get my suitcase, go down, and leave. Okay. So that component's there. What do you do? Go ahead. I'm going to poll the booth boys. What do you do? Go ahead and poll them. My mind went to the lobby too, but if I'm feeling like a real piece of shit, I might just leave the mess and just let the hotel deal with it. Also, sidebar, here's another part to this. I'm perimenopausal, and...

If I don't shit when I feel it, it's gone and I'm fucked. So if I feel the need to go, I better sit down. I cannot delay the go. Isn't that the best option though in this situation? To go to the hotel? No, to not shit and just... Why? Isn't that what you're saying? Because... No. Because... If I miss my window of shitting, I don't shit. Okay, let's poll the rest of the boys. Annie, what would you do in that situation?

I mean, you already know what I would do now. You would hold it in. Yeah. You just put it in. It never needs to happen. Okay, for people that shit. God. Who else is in there? Chad? Oh, I'd definitely go to the lobby. Yeah. Wow. Seems like a reasonable answer. It just seems like, I mean, do you really have to think twice about it? Not at all. Thank you.

Well, I'll tell you what old pig fucking shithead pig fart tits did. Keep in mind, I have to shit before I shower. So what am I supposed to do? Go down to the lobby in my pajamas? Yes. Put clothes on. Put a robe on. And go to the lobby in a robe? Yeah, and then take a shit down there. And then take a shit. Because you have to shit real bad. Come back. Take off my clothes. Get in the shower. No. And how do I? And I'm on the road. It could be a disaster. Right. Right.

Okay. So all these circumstances, I shit on top of the flooded toilet. And I left a note and I was like, sorry. I just wrote, sorry. With cash? Of course. 20 bones at least. 20?

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Anyway, so that was Vancouver. So then you go, great to be in my home country. Leave them a note. I left a little piece of America right there. Then you go to Seattle. I go to Meat Rattle, but I'm not there long enough to really do any damage. And then you go to San Francisco. So San Francisco. Same thing? Same problem. You didn't learn to start flushing the pee? Because I was drunk. I went to bed drunk in the night. The good thing about Lexapro, it really ramps up your alcohol. You feel drunk. Yeah.

So I have to drink. I could drink less. But yeah, so I was like pissing and pissing all night. And then by the time the morning came, dude, I already shit though. So I didn't do it that way. But I flushed the toilet and then...

It was a disaster. But I didn't shit. It's so foul. I shit already, though. That's the good news. I can smell it. You know what I'm saying? I can smell it. That's not... Piss on piss is a bad smell. It's bad. It's bad. All you said was sorry? Yeah, sorry. That's it? 20 bucks. Was it American dollars or was it Canadian? It had to be American because I didn't convert.

Wow. Be real. To fucking Euro or whatever it is they're on. Be real. You didn't leave no money. Of course I did. Of course I did. Yeah? Yes, I always do for staff. Yeah. Oh, okay. Because I fucking, I fucked some shit up. Can I tell you something though? I did. That's nice on a daily basis for the house. I know. No, no, no. No, no, no. If you do that again, which I don't even have to say if, when you do that again, when you ruin a toilet and shit and leave them a nice shit surprise, just leave a cool hundo.

Okay. I know. I didn't, I didn't just start traveling. I'm sorry. I didn't think of it. Now I feel bad and I want to go back to Vancouver and give the cleaning. You can send them, you can send them a fucking message, right? Sorry. And I got my period on the sheets. I fucked up that room in San Francisco. I did. And I, cause I, I didn't plan on, I woke up with it and I was like, Oh, people have the audacity.

to say that I'm the fucking sick one in this relationship. I fucked that room up. I fucked that room up. But I was in a bad mood because I just got my period and did not leave money. All right, let's see if this turns you on. Try to make you feel better. Right, okay. Does a Prince Albert piercing make it more pleasurable? Yes. Talking from experience as I have one. I can't even look at him.

I can't look at him. Just don't look at him. Okay, got it.

So when you go in and out and in and out and in and out, it rubs either side of the wall. I want to feel that. 100%. I personally believe from experience that it's definitely pleasurable for me and you and for anyone that has experienced it and says, nah, it doesn't. It's not the piercing's fault. It's the person's fault. Trust me. What were you saying, Annie? I didn't hear you.

Huh? Oh, I said it's Tony John's. This is like a buff Tony John's. Well, steroids Tony John's. Yeah. Yeah.

I find him so... I like it. I can't look at him. I can't. And I'm sure some girl loves this style and this vibe. It's just not for me. That's not your steez? I can't. He's too perfect and too sensual massage type. But this is also a filter, though. Yeah, he has a filter on. Bro's using the fucking baby filter that girls use on Instagram. That's crazy. It is crazy. That's crazy. He's really crazy. I don't... Yeah, I don't like this type. And it does feel good for you, baby.

Stop. I'm going to puke. It feels amazing for me. LAUGHTER

Dude, this guy gets laid so much though, right? Yeah. Girls love this. This is such a- I think he's probably going to the gym or leaving the gym. Yeah, he gets laid. The guy gets laid. Yeah. The tank top. A bunch of girls have stopped going to that gym. They're like, yeah, I fucked him. I can't go anymore. Yeah. Now I'm embarrassed about my hotel shits now. You are? Now I'm like, I regret. And I didn't leave money on the second one.

I didn't because I was, I was miserable. This is going to make you feel better. This is going to make you feel better.

You know our double soul shaman? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Of course. I dream about the double soul shaman. I live for him. I love him. Our double soul shaman we're talking about is this guy, right? He's the best. In this episode of What Does the Wild Naked Man Drink? I love him so much. I'm going to fill this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful Orin, which is medicinal. So he's always...

He's the best. Especially after some amazing forming. Working out or going for a run or pumping some iron. He's just always... It's a form of biofeedback and it's a form of self-love. When I drink my own piss, I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance. I love that. I love it. And really, that's all...

There is to life because self-love is the only love. Okay. That's true. This guy, if you don't know, has, has given us a lot, a lot of information. He is, I would say the, probably the most positive male voice right now. And he's also kind of,

Helping redefine what masculinity really is. That's really insightful, Tom. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he actually, I'll say this, the guy has a lot of information. He's not just like, do the, like, he always backs it up with a lot of info. Definitely. Whether it's historical, it could be physiological, biological. He has a lot of information. Yeah. Well, he has sent what we have received online.

A new video that I think takes it to another level. Okay? I'm on tender hooks, as they say. This is going to... You're going to be blown away. Here we go. I don't know what I can even... I am... I am... Oh, fuck, yeah. Describe what you're seeing. It's good. You're not saying anything. Because I've often...

I'm gonna puke. I actually felt... I'm just enjoying the taste of it. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. That's what I'm talking about. I want to get all of it out. You don't want to waste any of it.

Tell people what they're seeing. I'm trying, but I want to, my gag reflex. Even the YouTube audience can't see this. So the double soul shaman is in a yoga pose so that his legs are in the air and he is masturbating and catching his own love mustard in his mouth. And he wants to get every last drop because it's his male essence. And he's just recycling male essence, which I understand on a rational level. Yeah.

You've just never seen someone do this before. I've just never imagined that this is real. I've thought about this in junior high school. Wouldn't it be funny if some guy could do that in his own mouth? And this guy can. He can do it. And he's doing it. Not can. He does. I'm just enjoying the taste of it. I just didn't think this is real. This is so crazy. I'm just appreciating my cock and my balls. I feel like your mom's house has really...

realized so many of my dreams. Like finding out if people really go airtight. Finding out if somebody can really masturbate into their own mouth. And yes, the answers are yes. And I'm so happy we're doing this work for people. The thing that I always remember when we're doing this show is that this feed plays in the lobby. I always remember that. And I always try to imagine in these moments if the FedEx guy is like, here's your...

Could you sign here, please? Yeah. This is the ultimate form of self-love, Tom. It is. So what you're saying is don't judge myself so harshly for clogging two toilets. And we've reached out, by the way. Just so you know, we've reached out. We've been trying to get some feedback from this guy. So just know that. Just know that we've reached out. I want...

Want nothing more than to know the double soul shaman. I want to know all about this. I want to know the benefits of this. I can kind of, I put together kind of what you just did where it's like, it's self-love. It's the ultimate. It's recycling your male energy. Can you do this? Do you think you could do this? You're in great shape. You do yoga. I do. Am I physically capable? I believe that I am. Could I go through with it? I just don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. And I will say his aim is really good. I don't think this is the first time he's done this. I think he practices. Because imagine how sloppy you would be the first time you tried this. Yeah. Get the aim just right. And he wants every last drop. And he still maintains the yoga pose. It's impressive. Yeah. And then he's like, I'm cupping my balls after this.

Maybe we should downshift to something else for a second. No, why? Why are you not? Is this making you uncomfortable? Well, howdy again, Instagram. It's Tumbleweed Tommy here. Got another great Western outfit for you today. This time I'm wearing an Ely Cattleman pearl snap shirt with a two-tone blue and black plaid design. Really spiffy design for a nice night out on the town or even a casual day on a Saturday. Paired with some Wrangler boots.

Cowboy cut relaxed fit George Strait edition jeans and a nice medium blue here. Looks good on you. Got my Justin Star belt on here as well with my initial T on my big buckle here. That's really cool. Yeah, this is a cowboy get up. This is what you get when you move to Texas. Of course, wearing my Milwaukee Dan Post pointed toe cowboy boots. There's

the right shaft and if you're watching the video your left shaft and this is my left shaft and my right shaft if you're watching the video and of course my cody james wolf belt cowboy hat which i will demonstrate in the video for you

And you can plainly see my black feather in the hat in this outfit as well. That's very nice. Very nice. It's a really good outfit, actually. It looks cute. And that's this Western outfit video for you, so I hope you enjoyed it. I did. Have a great night. Thank you, Tumbleweed Tommy. And that's one of the things you can't really get on other shows. You get that at your mom's house. A guy jacks off in his mouth, and then Tumbleweed Tommy shows you his great country-Western outfit. And on that note, I think we'll take a quick break.

And we'll be right back. And welcome back. And our guest, you can see June 8th at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. You can also see his special nocturnal admissions on Netflix. Please give it up for Paul Verzi, everybody. Thank you for having me, guys. Good to be back here. Yeah, you were on where my mom's at. We had a great time together. We had a great time. Yeah, we did. You had a nice welcome to this show in the lobby. Dude, that got me sick. That really fucked me up, man. That was fucking. I wasn't expecting it.

I just wanted a nice coffee and just wait to go in. And then I saw that. I almost thought it was so... It was so traumatizing that I thought... I actually couldn't believe it that I thought the dick might have been fake. Because I was like, they can't really put that. They're not putting that in the lobby of their studio, are they? And then...

And when I realized what he was trying to aim, then I had to turn away. I'm fearless. I'm doubtless. He is fearless. He's right about that. Can I tell you as a woman what it did for me? Like I felt my gag reflex immediately. You thought about all the times you've done that probably. Not all. No.

Right? You've taken so many like... So many loads, babe. Yeah. But I just, I literally started gagging like my throat closed up. Yeah. Because you're not... Your eye is twitching. Do you feel it? No. Oh my God, that's terrifying. Do you think it... Are you dying? You gag. Oh my God. Why do you gag?

because it's hot, it's not. Have you ever tasted jizz? I really haven't. Oh, you should take a taste. Why don't you do this? Well, I could taste my own. You're right. We should have him show you how to do this. No, I like you said, when the thing that happens is you kind of, in middle school is when people go, you can suck your own dick. I had a friend do it. That's the thing is everyone always like. I had a friend, this big Irish kid. He got his, I think he got his head in his mouth and then he said he stopped because he felt gay. Right. Yeah.

He actually like did it. Like his legs were bent over. He said he got it. Well, that's the age where you, you know, you have the, some of you have the dexterity. You still have that childlike flexibility. And if you're, if you're blessed and you're given a little bit of length, then you can do it. Yeah. You know, you can do it. Yeah. Cause the famous one was all the Ron Jeremy stories because he had a, he was before he looked like a fucking hedgehog. He, he,

He was a lean man at one or somewhat. Yeah. And he had a big old hog on him. Yeah. There's video of that. Well, wasn't he in a porn and the lady, he tried to like the, the, the gig was whatever it was like, you say to her like, Hey, I want to fuck you. And she goes, why don't you just fuck yourself? And he did. Oh, how did I not know this? How did I not know this about him? You didn't know that? I didn't.

I didn't know this. This guy's a legend. Jesus. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. Dude. That's his own. That's his own piece. Did he do yoga too? No, he just probably wasn't. This was before he gained a thousand pounds. Dude, he's so flexible. You guys keep that on long, huh? This is amazing. Keep that up. Yeah. You can take it down now. This is crazy. I didn't know. I didn't know. Yeah. Shit. Shit.

I thought everybody knew the Ron Jones show. I didn't know. God, today's amazing. This is a lot. A lot of eye-opening things today. Yeah, dude. Another thing that yet can't go on the feed of the show.

People are going to be like, I googled half of your show. It can go on Twitter. Yeah, yeah. He's in jail, we should also point out. Yes. Well, actually, he was released because of his cognitive level. So Ron Jeremy was eventually, I guess, first it was rumors, and then it kind of became confirmed that he was sexually assaulting

many, many women. This is in his later years. And they eventually tried him and convicted him. But for whatever reason, LA or California was like, this guy doesn't have the mental capacity to... Oh, dear. So they released him into a home. He's completely... Oh, like dementia? He's got all that shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's not a good guy. So it turns out... It turns out...

Ron Jeremy, not a great guy. He's kind of a rascal. He's on dick for years. Not a great guy. Not a great guy. What a rascal. So anyway, welcome. Yeah, dude. I mean, that hit me hard. I'm not going to lie. The receptionist, the lady in the front, she just looked at me and she just put her head down because she saw the horror. Yeah. Yeah. She's a good person. She's such a good person. She deserved better than to see that. Yeah.

Sorry about that, Neal. One thought I had, though. Do you think it feels as good when you're sucking your own stuff? It's not. Because you know it's you. It's not the... It can't. You can also... You can massage your own neck and you're like, oh, shit. It's not the same. It's not the same. No. I don't think I could do it, dude, even if I could do it. Yeah. If I could do it, I couldn't... I guess the real comparison is your hand or someone else's. Right. The thing about that, though, is that every girl...

And your life always is like, you can do this better than me, right? Yes. Yeah. So that's an interesting. Well, your hand is better sometimes. Well, we've done it. So I've given thousands more hand jobs than you have. I just gave them to me. Right.

Right? Yes. So like, you know how to twerk. So that's a good point. I guess if you were sucking your own dick every day, you'd be like, let me do this. But I would take a bad hand job. Yes, that's true. I would take a bad hand job though than myself. Sure. Like the way it's like, some women are like, I can't even do it. Could you do it? I still want another hand. Exactly. You still want somebody else to do it.

I'll take a half ass from her instead of like a 10 from me. The only thing that like if for blowjobs, if you were like, do you want a really bad toothy, just terrible one? Or do it yourself. I'd be like, let me take over. So this is the conundrum though. If you're able to do it yourself, the Beejas, then will you become so acclimated like you just said to your own style?

He's like, but he's just taking loads to the face. That is so not what we're talking about. Like this guy is not blowing himself. He's jacking off into his mouth. Well, that's a different thing. And talking himself through it. Like I am fearless. Yeah. He's mentally ill, right? I mean, no, he's mentally ill. Like, let's be honest. That kid's fucked up. You don't know who that is? No. Listen, if you do that and you talk like that and you wait till the last drop and you're really like, the kid is sick. What are you saying? He's fine. No, no, he's not fine. He's pretty cool. Yeah.

What's up, Yogi? So me and Brian Crew just taught a really juicy anus workshop today. Yeah, this kid's out of his fucking mind. Look at his skin, though. Look at that skin. Skin is great. So a little bit of sperm detail, a little bit of testosterone, a little bit of spermidine, which is good for muscle growth, a little bit of nerve growth factor, which is really good for your brain and your nervous system.

Could you imagine having lunch with that guy? Just having a normal conversation? I can't wait. What else came up? A little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin, a bonding hormone which lowers cortisol. So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own, the Shivambu, I should call it, but I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine. What's in that?

This is piss. No, it's not. Yeah, he just... Come on, man. What the fuck, dude? I didn't eat yet. Dude, are you guys fucking... What was in that? Piss. He just pissed in it. No, not just piss. Spermidine, a little bit of testosterone. He said a little bit of jizz seeped into it. Oh, man. But it got growth factor. Look how good his skin and his teeth look. He looks really good. He looks fucking crazy, man. Yeah. I mean, that was...

A lot of males are into biohacking. They'll buy all the supplements, very expensive supplements. Dude, look how skinny his neck is, man. That guy's weird. They're bros naked. They've never worked out naked. They've never played naked ultimate frisbee. They've never done naked wrestling. And there's a reason why testosterone and sperm counts are at an all-time low. It's because men are not getting that vitamin that Robert Bly, who wrote Way of Iron Gyroscope,

Aaron John said there's an invisible food that gets transfused between men through the ethers when they get naked and do, for example, ball cupping or ball tapping rituals where you tap your bestest bro's balls and look at his beautiful mushroom head and said good energy into it. Yeah. These are things that the ancient Spartans did. They would also eat ass. You don't have to eat ass, but there is good bacteria in your mouth that you can transfuse into your bestest bro's butthole to improve his digestive tract.

It's called L-Ruteri, but we already talked about that in another video. But I just wanted to talk about like why waste all your money on all these supplements when you can literally increase your testosterone for free simply by just rubbing your mushroom against your bro's mushroom before the workout and then having your balls cupped

by your bro and honor each other's balls and then pump some iron. Dude, this guy's fucking around. This ain't real. No, this ain't real. I just realized it. This ain't real. He's teaching seminars. Dude, this is bullshit. I don't know. No bro had ultimate naked frisbee and he said it serious? He's very serious. But he's very serious. We thought it was a goof too. But if you keep going down this rabbit hole,

Oh, I won't. Jeez. I have to say, though, Tom, of all the men we've featured on this program, I am so captivated by him. I'm most intrigued by him. I love him. Yes, I am too. Because you know what? There is an endless...

He doesn't go like, I don't know, just fucking jack a guy up. He has so much ammo to back up what he's saying. He's talking about the Spartans and different warrior groups. I find it so cute and funny.

And kind of annoying that so many modern menswear leaders base their branding off of like Spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or, you know, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know. Yet they never get naked. They never do ball cupping rituals. They never see each other's cocks. The outermost extension of each other's hearts are completely hidden by their Lululemon...

When really they could be leeching good high vibrational brotherhood vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping, which is exactly what this part is. This kid's gay, right? No. This kid is gay. There's 100%. So here's the thing. Do you think he's bad? Do you think some of this is true?

And he's actually informing you. Or do you think this is all an angle just to touch balls and suck cocks? I think the latter. I think that this man is seriously gay. Yeah. And when he says touching your bro's mushroom and doing that, this is his way of kind of normalizing. And that's fine. God bless him. Yeah, yeah. But you could just be gay. Right.

instead of this shit instead of spinning it yeah yes I think he's there's no woman involved is there a there's never been a woman in any of these yeah so this is a gay man who just hangs out with his buddies and does a lot of gay shit which is fine and he tries to turn it into some yoga because you know what the ultimate gay thing is

it's to get a straight guy to participate. And he's seriously trying to do it. That is the big thing. That's what it is. He's trying to convert. Like you've never been with a guy? Hey, dude, do you want to fucking wrestle real quick? I'll show you something serious. Dude, do you want to rub mushroom heads? No, I've never said that to my buddy. Hey, dude, do you want to cup each other's balls before we watch this? But it's not just that. It's do you want to grow your masculinity?

So that's his argument. It's not gay. It's more masculine to be with. Here's why it's brilliant, because it gets to it gets to challenge something that most straight men actually want, which is to be more masculine. Right. Right. So it's like it's like, hey, do you want to go lift weights? And you're like, yeah, yeah. It's like, well, do you want to do like a do you want to take a natural pre-workout? Yeah, sure. What is it? It's like, well, take your cock out. Yeah. Wait, what the fuck? He's like, dude, this is what the samurai did.

And then you're like, oh. Yeah, and the Spartans are like known because people think I'm just Italian. My mother's 100% Greek. So I'm Greek. And so people always say, oh, the Greeks, the Spartans, they did gay stuff even though they were warriors. He's using that. He's using the most masculine warrior shit to do it. But I mean, he could just be like, hey, dude, I'm into dick. Hold on, Paul, you're right. Hold on, because remember we were like, his historical facts are not right. You're telling me the Spartans did do gay shit. I didn't say they weren't right.

Paul, I, we did last time. We're like, how does he know that they did it? People have always said, oh, the Greek thing. That is not made up. That's true. They butt fucked. And it wasn't, it wasn't in that era thought of as you're being gay. It's that you just, you had sex with whoever was there at your disposal. Yeah. Yeah. That, that's who people had sex with. And we're talking, you know,

This isn't like the 1950s. This is like a few thousand years back. It is very well documented. I know. I'm just trying to legitimize our friends. I think so. Samurai brotherhood. It's like the samurai were sniffing each other's balls. The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples before battle on animal skins. See? See, then that makes you go like, what are you, a fucking...

You're not as tough as a Spartan? Yeah, straight guy. Get over here and suck my nipples. Yeah, get over here and suck my nipples, you pussy. It's smart. It's so smart. And it's the ultimate way for a guy who wants to get a masculine hetero guy to kind of fall into some gay shit. 100%. And then all of a sudden it's over and the straight guy is like, wait, what?

Are we going to work out? Yeah, if you want to. Did you come? I did. I came a little bit. It's okay. I'm tired. I don't know if I want to work out. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I like this guy. I like it so much. We got to talk to this guy. I know. We got to talk to this guy. And I feel like I know him so much more intimately now that I've seen him jerk off in his mouth. Yeah, that'll fucking, that'll do it. That'll make you kind of know a guy. That does make you...

It definitely changes things. It makes you become familiar with someone. Dude, if I was hanging out with a friend and he was just like, dude, let's just sniff each other's balls before we, I would be like, dude, no, like absolutely not. Oh, you don't know about history? And then you're like, wait, what happened with history? Yeah. What are you, stupid? So the Navajo, right? Right before they would battle.

Gives you like a whole chart on it. Shows you the thing. You're like, oh, okay. I mean, I'm not above the Navajo. And this is such a product of our times too because you can be like, yeah, I read it online or I saw this TikTok. And there's no way to validate anything anymore. All of us see one clip and we're like, oh, did you know? You want to hear some shit? You're an expert now. I know. You watched a 30-second clip. I watch a TikTok and I know everything? Yeah.

Yeah, I do that with sports clips. I'm like, you didn't know that about Jordan? Meanwhile, everybody, millions of people saw the clip. Viral. Of course. God, I can't watch enough Jordan clips. Oh, dude. They just...

there you think you've seen all the jordan clips and then that that's its own lane there's just mj lore yeah history childhood yeah games and the amount of uh i love now because because of social media the amount of people because you think about a guy that played you know so many seasons and so many games yeah 81 regular season games every year

The amount of guys who have a story about the time he fucked them up, it is pornography. It is like porn. You know what I'm talking about? Basketball porn? It is basketball porn where they go like, yeah, MJ was kind of having an off night and then our dumb ass fucking guard said some shit to him. Yep. And they're like, he just kind of looked at us and we were all like, ah, fuck. And then he scored 38 points in the fourth quarter and you're like, oh.

Yeah, you can't talk shit to the people that are like gods at what they do. There was this one thing on Tiger Woods and a guy was just like, yeah, Tiger's not hitting fairways lately, dude. I think I got a shot. And dude, oh, and Tiger went from a slump to just, you can't do that. You can't poke those bears, dude. Did you hear the John Morant story? The John Morant story is incredible. When he was coming up,

he was short he was really short and then he like he had a spurt he got up to 6'2 but they were in these gyms and there was an A gym and a B gym and the B gym were for like the lesser players and Ja was in there because he was yeah and one of the coaches of the A gym goes to get a bag of fucking Doritos okay yeah he said he went to get a bag of Doritos and he poked in the B gym

And he just saw Jha just fucking killing kids. And he walked back to the coach and he goes, I got our guard. I got our guard. And then just took him. And he ended up going to school and changed everything. Like if the coach didn't do that for the Doritos, that's it. Yeah. It's crazy stories like that. I love that. Yeah. It's just like, it makes you think like,

Do you think shit like that's meant? I kind of do sometimes. That's a weird, because a guy with that talent needed to be seen. And it would have happened maybe not then. Eventually. Somebody would have been like, dude, that kid. The way these people, like with Jordan, the best, like here's the thing. Everybody knows this now, but when you think about how some people lock in on things. So the big story is that he didn't make the varsity team in high school. Yeah, he got cut. That's great. Yeah, sophomore year.

And then after his whole career, like the craziest career ever, the guy changed everything, during his Hall of Fame induction...

He's pouring tears and he brings up those, that high school guy. Like he brings up. He started shitting on people that like. Like left and right, but he's still locked into high school. Yeah, yeah. Like he's like, you fucking cut me and you're like. Dang. This is like 30 years later. You're like, Jesus Christ. And how about his short brother dominated him? Yeah, yeah. And that's what turned him into him. Like he had a brother who was short. Larry. Just used to shit on him.

And like bully him and beat him. And then he was just got turned 6'6". And just started killing everybody. It's crazy. That's why I can't even have... I won't have the argument with LeBron. If somebody...

If somebody has a LeBron Jordan, I just can't have the argument. I can't. It's not, I don't think it's a fair. No, I don't think so. You know, LeBron's great. His body type is so different. He's a mate, but he's not Jordan. I mean, he's not fucking Jordan. No, it's silly. It's silly. It's a silly thing. It's for young kids. It's for like, it's like young kids that didn't see him. I also think that nothing, there is no substitute for what you want.

consume as a kid. Whatever you see first will affect you in a... Like your favorite band. Yes, that's a great one. Or the television shows. Creates your wires. Yeah, so like if you talk to like...

somebody in like from like our dad's era about football and you're like what quarterback or running back they're gonna be like Jim Brown or Johnny Unitas yeah and you're gonna be like but it's like it's it's who they watched yeah right so like I get it a kid has been who's 20 now yeah he's been watching LeBron his whole life yeah that's his guy yeah I get it and I can't really I mean I'm with you I just I don't even indulge in the

I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm like, Oh really? I think the closer comparison is Kobe. I think so too. I think Kobe is the closest thing to Jordan that we've seen. And I think LeBron is just a different, LeBron is just the type of guy that like, he's going to go out to the movies with his kids after a loss anyway.

Where Kobe will just sit home and stew and just be like, what the fuck did we do wrong and can't handle? You ever see that video of Kobe watching his teammates laughing? Remember he's on Kimmel? He's on Kimmel and Kimmel goes, here's your teammates. And they're getting blown out by like 20 and you see the Lakers, they're laughing, having a good time. And Kobe's just seething.

Seething like you fucking pussies. Did you see the Smush Parker? Yeah. So one of his teammates in the later years, he did this interview. He's like, he's like, so I get signed to the Lakers and my locker is next to Kobe. So like the first day he walks in and I go, what's up, man? And he goes, you can't talk to me. And he goes, and then I played with him for two seasons and I never had a conversation with him for two years. For two years, he didn't talk to me.

And then did he finally? No. Because that's my experience with him. He was just like... Don't bother me. We're not the same. That's fucking crazy. Do you remember in what we do as comics...

you know, you remember the, you really remember the people that are good to you. Yeah. And I'm so like, people that are good to me, you could ask all my friends, I'm overly, if you're good to me, I fucking, I'm with you. Yeah. But you really remember the people that are fucking bad to you. Yeah. And you remember the people that treat you a certain way when you go in a green room. Let's go through that list. And you could, and you got it. I take a real piece of shit. No.

No, you just remember people. And the list is short. It's always short. Because comics are, listen, we all have our shit. I don't care what level you're at. There's all insecurity. There's all fear. But then you get that confidence because you know what you can do. But there are people that are so insecure that they project it. And I feel that. I feel your projection. It's like, talk to your fucking father.

Talk to your mother and father. Don't fucking do it to me before I'm going on stage. Yeah. And you can feel it because it's all a projection of their shit. For sure. But they put it on us and I don't like that feeling. I don't like, because I have my shit, but I'll never put it on a peer. I'll never, you know, I'll put it on myself more than I'll put it on somebody else because that's not really my, I'm not going to put my business in you and comics are fucking damned. That's the one thing about this business, dude.

that I've really learned and I'm really accepting that it's just filled, filled with mental illness. Oh yeah. We all are. And fucking. There's a bunch of crazy people. Dude. But on the other hand, what a great club to belong to. Cause I, I realized that too very recently, Paul was in the, in our green room here. And I was like, Oh,

everybody's mentally ill. And then I was like, what a relief that I'm amongst my tribe. Because everybody's a little fucked up. At the store the other night, I'm not kidding you, I was like, this is an insane asylum. Yeah, I love it. And there literally are people walking in and you're like, is this a homeless guy? And they're like, no, that's a guy.

Like they look crazy. Yeah. They talk crazy. There's all kinds, like there's just, I have to leave. I left a couple and then you're in the hallway by the OR and you're like, this is fucking madness too. The people walking around here. It is, it is like a fucking hospital. My dad would tell me that because my dad is, my dad and I have a different relationship. You know, my dad is 100% Sicilian over the top.

I mean, dude, I know people have talked about their Italian fathers. Dude, my father's in another fucking league, dude. Really? Oh, dude, my father. Is he from? No, my father was from the Bronx and grew up in a Bronx tale. That's what he did. Yes, like that shit is him. And he's just, I mean, dude, my dad legitimately roots for the bad guy in movies. Legitimately. Legitimately wants the bad guy to like, yeah, my father. Crime is like, you know, okay.

Really? Oh, yeah. He grew up around wise guys. Yeah, he did, and he wasn't. He was not, but he's 100% Sicilian, so he was friends with a lot of people, but he would be like, you know, son, I'm so proud of you, what you're doing in this business, because these people are fucked up.

these people are sick you know and at first I didn't really know because he acted for a while and he was actually a good actor oh wow but then he was like yeah he got I remember he's like yeah they wanted me to do a fucking audition 6am he goes fuck that but he was talented but he wasn't going to do the work yeah

he's like 6am I'm not he was one of those you know but then I start hearing oh you know so and so is autistic right and I'm like what like oh that person's a little autistic and they're like oh didn't they say something Seinfeld and you find out all these and you're like oh maybe there's a lot of listen I have my shit

I went through stuff with my parents young and probably why we want acceptance, right? We all have that. For sure. But then there's people, like you said, where when you were at the store recently, you see things, you're like, oh, this person's fucking gone. Yeah. There are some people that are fucking gone. Totally. And then they get on stage and you're like, people are going, oh, that's a competent, proficient. Yeah. You're like, legitimately, this is the only thing that person can do. Yeah. They cannot exist.

exist no in society in a normal way yeah this is it yeah like we could kind of get together and be yeah we're family people too that's true a lot of us comedians unfortunately are not well enough to get married and have relationships

and children and families. So it's, we're the luckier ones that are functional. And I did that. I was one of the first ones because I was in my 20s when I had my son. So like comedians were like, how are you doing that? Yes, like all of my friends were like, I have a lot of friends going, Paul, I did this kind of because I saw your model, like Giannis and all these people were like, because I was just like, because that whole thing of if you have kids, it's going to hurt. No, it's not.

No. If you're hungry and funny, it doesn't fucking matter. It's going to make you want more. How old is your son now? My son is 14 and my little girl is 11. And I was like, you know, 30 when my son was born. And like, you know, and, you know, yeah, it was hard to go hand them off when my wife came home from her full-time job, go to the city and do spots. But it made me better. Yeah. And it made me like the idea of like being in a studio apartment.

like just running around, like doing spots for rent and then coming home to nothing seems fucking horrible to me. Yeah. You know, and not judging, but it's like, I couldn't do that. Right. Yeah. I didn't think about that. Tommy and I, I guess we were lucky in that we started, I mean, we met young, you were 23, I was 26. And then we got married as starving comedians and you and I had each other to come home to after those bad sets, after those nightmare nights, and then to come home to when like,

Oh my God, I booked my first feature spot or like, Oh my God, I'm hosting at the laugh back or whatever. And we celebrated everything. And you know, like, thank God we had each other actually. Cause he's right. If I had to come home alone after bombing, he just spiral. I mean, I would spiral. Yeah. Having support and stuff. Yeah. And you guys are the rarity. You guys actually like fucking cause comics that go are together. It's hard a lot.

Yeah. But that shows that you guys really care. That's the difference. I think caring people, family people, just go through life, maneuver through life a little, I don't want to say easier, but there's something to look forward to. It doesn't matter. Other things don't matter. Yeah. That's really the key. It doesn't fucking matter. Ultimately, you're like, okay.

Okay. Dude, my son is like a basketball star in high school. He's from ninth grade, got moved up to varsity. Jeez. He's got NBA players and Division I players. So my son's shot is like, so I could travel, go on the road, have some shit happen, whatever, good, bad. And then I'm just sitting there watching my son ball and it's like, fuck.

And I'm just like, and then I go home and talk to him about it. And it's like, what am I? Oh, dude, I almost got it. Oh, dude, I got a story for you guys. Speaking of things crazy happening, I was in when I was in California. Can I can I tell a story? Yeah. Dude, this is fucked up, man. This is the most scared I've ever been.

So recently, a few months ago, I was in California. When I go to California, I like to stay in Burbank because it's just easier for me to kind of maneuver if I have podcasts. So I remember I was going there. I had to go to all things comedy. Then I had to go to Bobby Lee, do Tiger Belly. I had to do all these things. And like the day of, I get there. So it's just a lot. So I do that. Then the next day, I settle down. I play golf. And I'm starting to get acclimated to the time change. I go to this hotel.

And I'm like, all right, I'm kind of figuring things out. And I take my clothes off. I'm in my boxer briefs. I get under the covers. I'm all comfortable. And I'm like, all right. And I hear at 10 o'clock at night and I'm tired. And I'm still on the time thing. So for me, it's like one. It's a big deal. Yeah, yeah. So I look at the fucking, I don't say anything. Thank God I didn't say anything. I walk up and I look in the peephole. Okay. Talk about wanting to get home to your kids. I look in the peephole and there's a dude there.

No shirt on. Jacked wool hat. Something behind his back. And he's looking like this. Very suspicious. At my door. Fucking jacked. And I'm like. And I had a couple tequilas on the golf course. And I just got sober real fucking quick. Right? And I'm going what? And he's just looking around like he wants to.

And it was really fucked up. And I'm like, luckily, because normally you go, oh, I don't need anything. Right. I don't need. I didn't do none of that. I was just I walked up and I looked and this dude was and he looked like he had like he looked malice and he looked like something. And he's looking around. And in the peephole, he looks a little further. He's right fucking there. So I stay and I wait and I'm looking, dude, and I'm like, I'm vulnerable. I'm in my fucking underwear.

And I'm like, and you know, and I had like, it was like a suite. So I had like a kitchen. I'm like, dude, do I grab something? So I just let it go. He leaves. Then I go to the dude, I swear to God, like 10 minutes later, I go to the curtain and my room is looking down at the courtyard by a pool.

And I opened the thing a crack and he's just fucking standing at me, dude. He's walking around the pool and he's looking at me. And I didn't open it a lot. I just opened like an inch and he's looking at me, dude. This was like fucking, somebody was like, yeah, she was like Cape Fear, dude. I'm not joking. So now I'm going, what the fuck? So I call downstairs. I go, hey, man, there's a dude with no shirt. He's knocking on my door. And I just saw him down there. He's looking and like, Mr. Verzi, we'll take a look.

Take a look. Yeah. So I said, please do come by my room. So I'm looking at my people for a while and I see two employees of the hotel going up and down. They don't see anything. Right. So now time goes by and I'm like, all right, dude. Like I call downstairs. Anything? No, Mr. Verza, we haven't seen anything, but we're looking. Right. So now I start to, I start to feel better and I'm like, okay, guys at the wrong room. Wait,

Whatever. Yeah. Right? The guy's at the wrong room. Right? I'm still, I don't get dressed. I'm just like, you know what? I'm going to go back. I'm going to start to, and I go back to the fucking, I start walking back to my bed and 15 minutes later, bang, bang, bang. And I look in and it's this dude again. And he's going, and he's throwing his fucking shoulder in. Dude, now, now,

Now it's survival mode. And the only thing stopping me from, and I'll be honest with you, something bad would have happened to me or him if it wasn't for that deadbolt and that latch.

So now I fucking immediately while this dude is banging, I fucking get dressed. I pack my shit. I'm like, I'm leaving here right now. So I call downstairs and I go, ma'am, there is a man banging on my door. I need to get escorted out of this fucking hotel right now. He wants to do harm to me or somebody. And she goes, okay, let me, is he still there? I go, ma'am, get. And she goes, okay, okay. I said, call the cops. So they call me back. I said, call the Burbank Police Department right fucking now.

And now I'm like, now I'm going to do, should I grab a fucking knife? Like, I don't know what to do. This is like months ago. This is not. And I'm, and I'm like, fuck man. So I get a phone call from downstairs and she goes, the Burbank police department would like to talk to you first before they come here. Here's their number. Make me call, make me call. Swear to God. Swear. It's all recorded. It's all documented. There's no, I don't, I'm not bullshit. Nothing. None of this. And I call back and they're like, ask, they're like questioning me.

They're going, so is he still there? I go, I don't, he's banging on my fucking door, man. Get me the fuck out of here. So I'm really pissed off now. They leave me on hold. Finally, I hang up on the police. I hang up on them and I call downstairs. I said, the two guys that were searching for me, I want them at my door. I want them to escort me out. They go, all right, Mr. Fritz, you want us to knock or what? I said, I'll see you come to the door, knock three times or twice and I'll see. So finally, these guys, they come out.

they escort me out they're trying to ask me questions i go downstairs they're questioning me like i did something wrong now i feel nuts like did i fucking yeah was this sorry just to back up was this guy pounding on the door this whole time that you're calling so he starts pounding on the door throwing a grunting trying to get in and that's when i got on and i said i need somebody to go and then like after a minute or so he left or i didn't hear it anymore and um so they escort me out i get on the phone and i actually i was i was golfing with mike bertolino

And I call Mike and I go, dude, is there a hotel you know of? And he's like, my wife said you could come here. I'm like, nah, did I need to fucking? So he's like, why don't you go to Universal City? So I went to this like nice Hilton Universal giant. Went in, they put me on like a high floor, everything. And I wanted to call to find out. My wife's like, you better call to find out if you were targeted. Because there's one guy, there was one guy who like was saying some shit.

like from California about he heard me say something on a podcast I don't know I don't know yeah I don't I don't fucking know and I need this shit I need this shit in my fucking life so anyway I call long story short I call up and they were like

Uh, we can't give you information, but somebody was escorted off the property that kind of, you know, fits the description of what you're saying. I go, you mean the guy with no fucking shirt who looked steroided out and had a wool hat on walking around? Yeah. So, um, the next day I call and the guy, the guy was like, Mr. Verzi, I can't give you too much information, but you were not targeted. You were not targeted. It was a random thing.

and you're clear and all this stuff. And yeah, man, and I'll be honest with you, that was the first time where I was like, I wanna get home to my, and I had to be in California for 13 days. So I was doing, yeah, I was doing a run. I was doing the American Comedy Company, San Diego, and I was doing podcasts in LA and I was doing a bunch of things. And like, this is only day three.

So I was just like, but that I could say that was the scariest shit. That's that. Like, it was almost like the movies, like when the horror movie where it calms down and you think it's over and then the dude comes back. That was the most. And that's when going back to us talking about kids. That's when I was like, all right, dude, like there's a lot more important because if that door opens, I don't know what happens. I don't know because he could have been on meth. I don't know what the

Sounds like he was. And maybe that room, he thought something else was happening in there or something. Kind of makes you change your perspective on Burbank, too. Oh, dude, I got out and I shit on the hotel. They handled it horrible. I went back. Like Burbank was like. Also, the police being like, let's talk first. Call us first before. Because they almost treated it like maybe am I on drugs? Would 911 have worked the same way? I wonder if you've just called 911. That's a good question. I was thinking the hotel would have my back.

Yeah, yeah. I was thinking a hotel would call up and say- Fuck that. Next time it's just- 9-1-1. 9-1-1, right? Well, and Burbank has its own police department. Yeah. That's why they're so much better than the rest of LA County. Yeah. So that's surprising that they didn't do a good job. Fuck Burbank. I'm done. Yeah, that's terrible. Don't ever go there again. No, dude. It was really not cool, man. Fuck, dude. Yeah, dude. That was horror movie shit. You know, things get handled a little different around here in Texas, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

we don't call 911 we do not i mean that guy would have been fucking blown away before the best crowds listen i did rogan's small room here and it is the greatest one of the greatest it reminded me of how great the the denver comedy works is yeah but also the red room the red room at cap city yeah that little room holy shit little rooms are the are the actual gems they're dark

It's like what comedy should be. But I mean, can we be honest for a second about Austin? I mean, it's disgusting downtown. I mean, I can't wait to get out of this shit hole. I mean, there's heroin addicts, dude. I want to get the fuck out of here. I was disgusted. I had the same feeling when I saw this guy sucking his own dick on my way here. That's a good representation of downtown Austin, the guy sucking his own dick. It's just like down at 6th Street right there. Yeah, it's like the weather's nice. The people are friendly. The comedy scene is great, but it's fucking gross, dude. Yeah.

That's downtown. Agreed. Don't go there. Yeah. Agreed. Don't go there. That's wild, dude. That's a scary... That's terrifying. That was a scary... That was probably one of the most scared because it was almost like, you know, fight or flight, right? Yeah. Like when... I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where like there's clear threat two inches away from you. I did a run years ago that a guy put together and when... It was like one of those like, I mean, really low level runs, you know? Yeah, yeah. When I did Oakland...

I was like, I remember I, you know, he drove me and he's like, here's the hotel. And I'm like, this doesn't look like a good hotel. And you know, when I got to the room, the smell is off. There's parts of the carpet that are cut out. And, uh, and I heard the, it's just, you hear like the chaos in the hall. It was really, it was not cool. And I slept terribly. And I remember I, uh,

When I was checking out, I just went to the front desk and I was like, what happens here? To the lady. And she was like, what? I go, is this where people come to just like do drugs? And she was like,

And she just looked at it. I go, this is the most terrifying night I've ever had. You didn't have the money to go. I had to go there. You had to go there. You had to sleep there. I told the guy because it was like he promoted the run. I was like, dude, you can't put people here. I understand it's not going to be the four seasons. Right. It can't be here. You can't put me here. This was terrible. This was terrifying. You can't put me here. You hear shouting and like.

And I got, you know, it's filth. It was like, it was like a real, like he obviously was like, what's the fucking absolute cheapest place I can put some. I go, you can't do that, dude. You can't do that to somebody. Yeah. Well, that's what I think about all the time. How damaged you have to be to be a standup comedian. Like, cause especially as a woman, I put up with all, there's one time I did this gig in Texas. No, I don't want that story. It makes me too upset. Okay. I fucking, I want it. It enrages me. Makes you want to go find a guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's just say it was put together by people that do illegal things. It was gnarly. I basically went on a drug. The guy picks me up from the airport and we go on a drug run first. Yeah, I mean, that's like the level of irresponsibility. I'm putting myself in your situation and it's like, well, somebody said like, Paul, would you let your kids do stand-up? And I'm like, when I got into stand-up, I came in, I was doing stand-up.

literally i was doing all the black rooms in new york city and it was you are gonna fucking kill or bomb and you're gonna know quickly yeah and i'm talking talents room capone okay all these guys that were like they call the new york kings of comedy i drove from like westchester down to 125th street in harlem to do uptown comedy club where it was 250 black audience members dressed to the nines and they're gonna let you know but then when you crush they're like oh

white boys funny you know and then they want to put you on the circuit but i came up like that doing things like that i couldn't imagine my son or daughter just getting in the car and they're growing up so much softer than they're not gonna do they're not gonna do it you don't have to worry about it they're not gonna put themselves through what you went through for that yeah because because i'm a good father yeah yeah they have good parents yeah yeah yeah yeah but the thought of it is like of course you have to grow up with so much neglect

to be able to tolerate. You have such a hole in your heart to fill. You know what I mean? It's so sad. As you said that, as you said that, like I, that one sentence made me reflect on my life. You know, it's, you got to fill something. You have a sick need. Everyone who does this has some need that doesn't even, here's the thing. You end up having success and getting specials and making a good living and you still keep doing it. Why do you keep doing it?

You know what I mean? It's because something inside of you. I remember like when I first started, I was like, man, imagine being on like VH1 Best Week Ever and you're just a head. I remember like, I remember seeing just a head, like the talking heads, like Greer Barnes and Shiraz Swann. I remember like, dude, if I can do that, like I kind of, but then you, and I would always be like, how can you get like a special and not be, and then you get a comedy. I got a Comedy Central and I got the Netflix and I'm like, all right, like what's it's because it's always having to prove

Yeah. And it never ends. And you get better in this something that's really hard. Yeah. This is a hard thing. And you never totally master it. That's the other thing. Yes. There is no final level. Yeah. It just, you just keep. Isn't that the fun of it? That is the fun. I love the craft of it because the success comes and goes. Yeah. But the work of it, the actual work of it is the funnest part for me. I don't know. You know what? I like more than when I see, it's fun to see your hour on Netflix or something. You're like, oh my gosh.

I don't enjoy that nearly as much as the process of writing. I don't watch any of it. I love it. The fun thing is like I was in LA and I hadn't seen Kirk Fox in like a couple of months. And then he watched me do my set and I had like a couple of new bits that hit and

And him telling me that fucking thing and that fucking thing feels better than like any of the shows. Dude, I can't believe you said that. You know, when the Netflix thing came out and people were like, dude, you're so funny. It was nice. But recently Joey Diaz like said something about me on a pod and he was just like, dude, this kid is fucking. And he just started saying all these amazing things. And he's like, that special is great. I fucking felt better.

about that about a guy who's seen comedy for fucking decades and watched it you feel better about that than actually watching the peer approval is like when somebody that you know

I remember the first time somebody said, Bill Burr said, you're a beast. And I was just like, what? And I don't listen to it. I don't watch my shit. I can't. I don't listen to it. It's very uncomfortable to even listen to somebody talk about you. It's really like, but when somebody that you respect or somebody that's been around for a long time says like, dude, that bit is so, it's like, oh, it makes it, it makes it worth. I've missed you guys, by the way, in Vegas. Oh, hold on. I have to pee so hard. All right. Let's take a pee break. We don't have a button for that.

We'll be back. Sorry, guys. No, no. Let's see here. I have to take a piss. We're going to go take a dump. We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it.

We're back. Everybody peed. It felt so good. Can I tell you something? I didn't want to admit this. Yeah. I really had to pee and I just was waiting. Really? Yeah. And then when you said something, it was kind of like, oh, I don't have to say something. But to think that we wasted all this valuable pee because it has so much testosterone. Yeah. You could have drank my piss. Gotten stronger. Yeah.

If you weren't being such a fucking chick about it. I know. What the fuck, right? I wish we would have. All that good male energy. We just wasted it. Well, you know, we're going to talk to this guy. We're going to figure this out. That's what I was saying, though, before is I missed you guys in Vegas. Because, yeah, Andrew Russell hit me up. The great Andrew Russell. He goes, hey, why don't you come? And it was like by the time I found out I was...

I don't, I'm not a drug guy. I don't do like, I don't get really like I'm, I'm more drink more. I'm a cocktail guy. Yeah. I'm not, but I, I hit a little, I hit a little something and like everyone that we were with was just in their rooms gone. Yeah. And it was just like me playing cards and I'm like, dude, am I going to get in a car high drunk alone late? And I just had that weird thing. The Saturday night you mean? Or, or Saturday night. Yeah. The Saturday night before the Superbowl. The week, even the day before.

I'm sorry, the day before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like your after party. Yes. Yeah. That shit was fun. Was it? I know, I know. But I think, and I figured out why. Yeah. Because I had a little weed, which I normally don't do. I drank. But I think that that story in the hotel. Freaking out.

freaked you out I just think like being a little high which I'm not used to well here's the thing and drunk I would have been felt weird on Uber whether or not you recognize it you have a little PTSD from that you think so absolutely absolutely how can you not that was terrifying that absolutely will stick with you you think like that will stick yeah because like even when I'm in hotels even in like a corner parked away somewhere it stays there yes it does right yes for sure fuck yeah it's a traumatic event that's why I was like I don't want to be in Vegas in a car

At night, at almost, you know, high and drinking and, you know, and then. Because one of the things you should actually look for, I think, for hotels now is just accessibility to floors. You know what I mean? Yeah. A lot of hotels now you have to scan to get to that floor. You should exclusively stay at hotels like that. Yes. A hundred percent. Yeah, yeah. It's just peace of mind. Yeah. Yeah.

And I would have loved to come and hang, and I should have, but I was just like, I'm high. What if this Uber driver takes me? Yeah. That's probably where... Yeah. That's the origin of it. I'm not... Are you a drug dude? No. No. No. No, man. I'm not...

Like I have to do it at home. Yeah. You know, like a little before bed sometimes is nice. Edible. Mild. Mild. Not strong. Me too. Mild. Me too. I took a, well, I had a sponsor send some stuff and I used to take like the five tens. Yeah. So they sent me a new, they sent me a new flavor and it was like a peach.

and i was like i'm going to bed let me take a five milligram peach but i noticed it was like a little big it was like a block right like a little square block and i eat it right so my my wife is sleeping and i started to feel different and i started to it was the weirdest thing i started to feel sad but i embraced the sad and i got my wife said she heard me kind of talking to myself

- Oh my God! - What? - Were you walking in the living room? - No, no, check this out, but there's a little twist. My wife is going like, "You sounded like you were having a party with yourself." And I started pouring wine and shit, and I said, "Alexa, play sad '80s music," right?

And I'm feeling this fucking like deaf leopard, whatever it was. And I'm really feeling the fucking pain of it. And I'm drinking this wine and Stacy's going, you're talking to yourself. It sounded like there were fucking 13 people in the kitchen. It was just you. And then she goes, and then I went and she goes, your eyes were bugged out of your fucking head. My eyes. And I go, what? Three days later,

I go, yeah, no, I'm talking a friend, a friend of our family's into going like micro. Yeah, have a little dose. And I go, look at this peach thing. It was fucking mushrooms. That's why it was bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luckily, it was only five milligrams, so I didn't go to another place. But when I said I embraced the sadness, that's what it was. Because the regular edible, the weed, would just make me...

Relax. Put on it right. Put on a movie. But I was like talking to my, I was like feeling everything that I was. You were doing some work. You were doing some deep work. And my wife was like, why are your eyes like that? And I didn't realize. I saw the little mushroom in the O of the smoke. And I realized that because they just sent like their new flavor or whatever. You know how I'm 10 millitons sometimes?

I got into some, I actually downshifted. Sometimes I'm five milli times. Wow. What? Yeah. And that's enough for me. That gives me like a little buzz. Yeah. And that sets me straight. Yeah. I don't need a lot. Your story reminds me so much of when Tommy and I were living in Silver Lake back in, was it 2010 or something? Yeah.

And he had eaten a cake pop, right? It was cake pops. And I didn't do anything. And I get up in the middle of the night and it's pitch black. And I just see the silhouette of Tommy pacing in the living room talking to himself too. Because I was too fucked up. I couldn't lay down. Oh, dude. So I just, I keep talking to myself. Yes. I was like, are you okay? I still do that. If I get more than I need, if it's too much-

I woke up the other day where I was on the road somewhere and I had taken an edible and I just had like 15 voice notes. You take that? Yeah, I dictate to myself. But I feel like the smart people talk to themselves because they're trying to figure out what's going on. Like dummies just pass out or they just take notes. I think somebody who has like an active mind has to fucking figure it out. But this is what I liked. I had performed, had some dinner.

have the edible go to my room so my voice notes were all about my set so I'm actually just trying to work through it you know what you're doing wrong here that setup is all fucking this is why it sucks and I fucking dictate to myself and did the notes pan out the next day two of them actually were decent notes a few of them were not two of them had a fucking but I'm

the one thing that my dad did do, I would say like, there's a few things I took from him that, that were great was just don't do drugs. I was always afraid. Yeah. Cause my dad was like, if whoever does drugs, my dad was like drugs, tattoos and beers are fucking losers. Yeah. That's why I tell our kids losers. You have to have nice shoes. You have to have a nice watch. You have to have a nice car.

That's a different era. Those guys. Yeah. But it still holds up. But he also said, fuck and just marry a rich woman. Yeah. So he said some shit. You know who's a good actor? Joe Pesky. Yeah.

That's what my mom always told me. Marry rich. That's what my dad... Because you can love a poor man... You can love a rich man just as much as you can love a poor man. And I married the poorest, most lovable sweet man. And now look what happened. I got lucky. She hated it, Tom. My dad actually sat my older brother down and he goes, just marry a rich woman. And my brother was like, what?

How do you do that, dad? How do you just target? He goes, don't marry anything. I said, dude, they don't give a fuck. They just want to get married. They'll marry a fucking horse. Dude, he told us that. I was like, hey, dude. He goes, they'll marry a fucking horse. As a kid. As a kid. Dude, he told me he was working on Martin Luther King Day and I go, why? And he goes, that guy's a pervert. Dude,

Dude, he told me that. I swear to God. He goes, I don't take off on Martin Luther King Day. The guy's a fucking womanizer. The guy's a pervert. They're glorifying him. I was eight. I was a little kid, man. My dad said some wild shit, dude. You know, he's just one of those. My dad loves Trump.

I mean, I mean on another level. Greatest of all time. Oh, look, dude, if Trump was fucking throwing babies off the building, they're evil. They're evil, but he knew it. That's interesting. There's an interesting psychology to that. What do you, what's your assessment of why he loves him? So, cause there's,

I'm not saying this just because it's him. I'm saying when somebody loves a president to a kind of like bizarre degree, any president. Yeah. You know, like you've been in homes where like they have growing up, like there's like a framed painting like Reagan and you're like, the fuck is going on? Why do you love the president this much? Yeah, yeah. Why does he love him so much? You know, it's weird. You know, I don't even know if it's definitely a Republican thing because he loved Kennedy. Yeah.

Okay. But the reason why he loved Kennedy is because it was Irish Catholic. Sure. So it's about the church and morals and family, you know? Finally a good guy's in the White House. Yeah, yeah. This guy goes to church with his family. And with Trump, I think Trump... Because my father...

This is going to sound... Like, my father is so America, like, first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like, you know, when he called those third world country shitholes. Yeah. My father's like, they are. They fucking are. They're letting these fucking... You know, like, my father said some wild shit. I think that that's the thing that people who love him specifically identify with the most. It's the shit talking. It's the fact that it's not a political spin. Yeah.

Because no politician talks like that. No politician talks the way Trump does, I'm saying. Yeah, I think that that... And I think that's very exciting to people when someone's like, the place is fucking terrible. And they're like, thank you. Like, you're saying the truth. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I think that that's what it is, too. I think him being very brutally honest, like my dad is. Yeah. My dad told me when my comedy special came out, he called me and he goes, you know, I just want to tell you how proud I am. It's really funny. He goes...

I don't know what I would do if it was bad because I'd have to tell you. You know, he was like, I'd have to, I couldn't lie to you. And I was just like, or you could just fucking. Yeah. I'm your kid. Or you could say, hey, you're working hard. It's good. But I think that that actually, that's kind of why. I think somebody like, you know, I don't even know. Honestly, I don't even think it's a Democrat. I think it's people that just say shit that like other people maybe think. Yeah. You know, is it?

It's weird. It's a weird thing when someone loves it. People love Obama. Love him to a degree. And you're like, wait, you fucking know him or something? Why do you love the guy so much? He's the president. Every president is a megalomaniac narcissist. Every single one. 100%. It's a control thing. It's a power thing. You have to be sick to think, I want to be president.

I know. You're a crazy person. I don't think there is a president that I've just been in love with. Like, what a great guy. You're like, it's all bullshit. You know they're bullshit. Maybe they're handsome or something. I don't know. No, that actually helps you in politics. Yeah. Being good looking, that's a huge thing. There's no politicians I love. No. Who do I? Because they're all 70-something years old. They're all fucked up. They need to be hotter. We need someone hot for president. Yeah, it's people like, oh, Obama. It's like, no. No.

He's not great looking. Let's be honest. He's a decent looking man. John F. Kennedy was a good looking man. I think, but like, yeah, I mean, but like objectively, I think maybe like comparing to everybody else. I think if you look at a lineup of men, you'd be like, yeah, he looks like a normal man. What is he, like a fucking... There's like no hotties.

The best looking like politicians probably who's most like despised, despised, probably the two are Gavin Newsom. Yeah. He's handsome. He's very handsome. And then Trudeau in Canada. Like those were like traditionally good looking men. Right. Yeah. They're ultra hated by so many people. Yeah. But they're very handsome men. Yeah. They're fucking, they stink. They fucking stink. But they're good looking. Yeah. Yeah.

I was talking to my Uber driver about what Gavin Newsom did when they were talking about how the homeless thing is not a problem and the drug thing is not a problem. And then when China came, they cleaned it up. Did you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he also said he did. He even admitted, he was like, yeah, we did. Of course, we had visitors. Yeah, he's a lying piece. They're all lying. You're right. They're all lying pieces of shit. They all are. Yeah, they all are. Would you Google a young Ronald Reagan? Maybe he was attractive because he was an actor. He was an actor, but I don't know.

I don't know. There's no hotties. I think 50s good looking is different than today's good looking. Yeah, no, I don't think so. Okay, but now do Gavin because like... Bill Clinton was thought of as handsome. I personally wasn't. Oh, yeah, he's hot. Gavin's a good... He's like 6'5", too. No, he's attractive, which sucks because he sucks so bad. Yeah. He's the worst. Yeah, he's 6'5", too. Yeah, yeah. You know, they said that like there's...

That also affects your votes. Like when they study races over height. Yeah. People prefer a taller person. People are voting on superficial things. It's like, is this guy good looking? Is he tall? Yeah.

Does he have a firm handshake? Yeah. It's nonsense. But that's why actors could be president. I mean, Schwarzenegger was our governator for a while, remember? Yeah. I bet you he could win the presidency. I believe that Schwarzenegger had a budget surplus in California, which is a huge fucking accomplishment. He did a good job, actually. Yeah. Yeah, he did. I'm thinking about like, yeah, like short people that...

That's fucked up. That's like a big thing is that there's only been, I said, I think if you look at the history of US presidents. George W. Bush short or no? George W. Bush? Yeah. Go what? 5'11"? Maybe. But there's only a few that fall below that. Like people. Oh, he's six foot. So yes, that's...

Yeah. He might be punching that up, you know. Yeah, like DMZ. They take the bigs and they put them down. They said Iverson was six feet, like five, ten and a half. Easily. Yeah. I didn't know that he was that tall. Yeah, I guess. Well, once television started is when looks really mattered because before that we had a president in a wheelchair. That's right. So it was only because of. That shit would never happen in this era. Oh, no. Polio guy. Biden's close. Yeah, that's right.

I mean, that's dementia. That's definitely. Yeah, yeah. My favorite shit was when he slept down. He's a decently good, he had a good smile and face, you know, 20 years ago. Decent looking man, I think. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is true. Now that I think about it, has there ever been a president who was like undercut? What's his name, has his cool little lifts in his shoes, DeSantis? Those are cute. Does he have lifts? You didn't see that? No. No.

Dude. No. Ron DeSantis wears these fucking like hilarious lift boots. No. Yes, dude. And look at the, and they put them, they're like high heels. They're disguised high heels. Like those aren't even like standard boots. They're specially made to give them. They look like the one when those chicks wear the Nikes. Yes. But they have the heel. Oh, that's terrible, dude. Who's that conservative one I like where he's like, be offended.

He's like, you said that they were fat. Oh, that who's that? The Indian. Can you offended? Be offended. I think he's handsome. No, you're thinking of V. Yeah. He's small. Yeah. He's a small guy. He'll then you don't have a shot. You don't have a shot. What are the shortest U S presidents ever? Cause this is like, it's so fucking tomorrow. Television. I'll bet you anything. Yeah. It's definitely back in the day. It's definitely.

You think people vote him? Abraham Lincoln was 6'4". Okay, there you go. James Madison, 5'4". Dude, that's fucking Kevin Hart. Yeah, that's quite a while ago. Dude, I got to be honest with you. A 5'4 president walking out to the podium is a little fucked up, dude. Yeah, it could only happen in the pre-television era. Can I tell you who I've come to love a lot more now that he's in the rear view is George W. Jr.?

I really start to like him now because he's just kind of dopey and fun and he's not as dumb as other people we've had since. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's, um, and he's kind of cute. He seems sweet. Everybody kind of goes like, yeah, you weren't, you're not that bad. Cause, but also he had to deal with the fact that everybody was like, you're fucking stupid. Like imagine that was the narrative the whole time. They're like, you big dummy, you dumb fuck. Yeah. Everybody's like, you're stupid.

All the time. But you know what's fucked up is he was so hated and the two wars and all that. And then afterwards, the hate for Trump was so great that when George W. went on Jay, when they went on Jimmy Kimmel, he came on Jimmy Kimmel and got like a hero's welcome. Yeah. They went fucking nuts for him. In California. They went nuts for him in California. I didn't even think of that.

That's how much the Trump imbalance, people were like, I kind of want this Bush guy back, who they just roasted for eight years. Yeah. It's really fucking wild what's going on. Anyway, it's going to be a great year. 2024 election's coming up. Oh, dude. Don't talk about it. It's upsetting. New York is ready to everybody's hate and it's wild. It's going to be fun. All right. Can we watch TikTok? First, real quick, is this horrible or hilarious what I show you? Okay. Does it make you laugh or make you sad? Okay. Okay.

I like these. Oh, boy. These always make me. Shit. That's hilarious. That's good. That's hilarious. Yeah. Especially if it's not hot. I like the guy who tries to come help here, and he's like, no. He's putting his hand over it like it's a cartoon. That's not going to. That was a good one. I believe that's a brewery. It's like a brewery. That's kind of fun. How about this one? This might not end well.

He's broken. His leg broke. No, he's not good. It's like half funny. Any fall is kind of like that. And especially as sweet migrant workers. Come on, guys. Migrant workers. I think these are just guys at a construction site.

Sweet. His name is Rudy. He's from El Salvador. He's setting half his pay back home to the old country. He's got 10 kids back in El Salvador. He's illegal. That's karma. Do you want to introduce them to what you're going to show them? Are you ready for my TikTok curations? Sure. So I like to find the outliers, the people that are underrepresented on TikTok and showcase them for our show. Okay. Do not make your food.

put it in a Tupperware, and then leave it on your counter for a week because you literally will pass away.

This 20-year-old died of a condition that's commonly referred to as fried rice syndrome. This is a condition in which you can have bacterial overgrowth if pasta or rice is left at room temperature for too long. In med school, we're taught the phrase, reheat rice, be serious, to remember which bacteria causes this condition. So how long is too long? You should not eat pasta or rice that has been left at room temperature unrefrigerated for more than two hours.

That's not that long. That's not that long. I feel like I do that every night. Here's the thing. The medical world always pushes the actual stat because they know people won't listen to exactly that. Right? So the reality is probably it's four hours. So they say two. So that you'll split the difference. I mean, I've definitely had something over. Hell yeah. Of course. We all have. But what lunatic is that?

He does a week. A week is insane. I mean, a week with rice and pasta would be fucking nuts. A week would kind of want you to die. If you're that dumb to... Well, it's all hard. There's got to be mold or some shit. Get out of here.

Who the fuck? And it's a chick? Well, so this is a thing in the mom world where, yeah, they're telling moms now to reheat rice because it's like giving kids bacterial infection. So they're just warning you to reheat rice. Okay. Don't think you can just... Rice is food. How about when you eat rice, whatever's left and you're done? It's gone. I know. It's gone. You scrape it in the garbage and that's it. It's rice. It's rice. It's so cheap. You can make some more rice. Fucking cheap people are the worst. Yeah. Just make another bowl. That's the worst thing.

Stop playing with him.

I got ceramic pants. These ain't nothing, man. These ain't shit. Man, I'm going to be sitting here with the ostrich boots. It's an arm. Damn!

fire uh-huh penman classic john penman handmade you know what i'm saying okay this is the royal cap this this will this will hold up in 30 degree weather 20 degree weather rainstorm coming down on it it's 10x beaver it's going to keep you warm and keep you dry you know that's right that's right you're the man you're the man you're the man hold up give anybody a stallion tip what would it be top and bottom baby that's

Damn! You know that. Middle don't matter. Top and bottom, baby. Get it, get it, get it. What's your favorite meal? My favorite meal? Oh, man. Scrambled egg whites and chicken breast. Keep it lean, baby. Higher tide. What's your zodiac sign? Taurus. Good Taurus. Take a look at your Taurus. I don't even hang him. I love you, man. You got a beautiful smile. Thank you, buddy. And your peeps are on you. How you doing?

How great was that? That's a fun New York City thing on that, man. That's great. Good actor, too. He's fantastic. He's such a great actor. He was in Usual Suspects. He was also Breaking Bad. Oh, yeah. He was the main, he was the villain. I love how he, after he said something cool, he clapped. Yeah. I love that shit.

This is one of those influencer accounts, right? Where they're like, what are you wearing? Yeah, what are you wearing? But I just loved his energy. His energy is great. And also, New York City. That can happen in New York. Because they do it all the time. It does happen. They do it all the time where they stop people. What are you wearing? What's your back rig? What do you do for a living? But you can also just run into him, which is kind of cool. What a great outfit he has.

hat on that energy that looks great yeah saying your baby cash me that's somebody that gets jobs because you want to work with him of course you want to work with that you work with exactly on a set you're like yes he's coming in positive energy yeah so right i love that i always heard too everybody just goes you know when it's come when when you're a producer and you're like it's down to these two yeah right yep and you've worked with this guy and this guy and you're like yeah this guy's good but

You ever just feel a dud? A dud just walks in and you're like, oof. Sucks the air out of the room. Bricks. We don't work with any bricks. No studio jeans. We make sure. No energy suckers. I catch you. Listen to me. I catch you. I put a gun in your mouth. You understand? Don't call me no more. Piece of garbage. You're garbage. Is that your dad? Oh, mercy.

That's your mother.

You have to send this to me. You have to send this to me. That's the greatest shit. First of all, I don't know what I love more, the gold chains or the fact that he said gun in the mouth. I mean, this is a fucking 80-year-old man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a garbage person. You are garbage. I will put a gun in your mouth. Every time he calls me, he's about to tell the story. It's a telemarketer. That's a real thing, though. There is crime. There is a criminal thing, honestly, in the...

like i used to enjoy doing shit yeah like you get like a little rush out of it sure you know breaking into something or doing something it's like that's not normal like that's like a cultural it's a dopamine rush yeah yeah yeah

Stealing, hurting people. No, not hurting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not hurting people. But just like running red light. Like I used to sit at a red light, look around. There's no cops. I run through it. I felt great. Like I loved it. Like, yeah, you know what I mean? Like I did. It does feel good. It feels good to steal a little bit. We were breaking in cars in college and I feel bad now. And if my kids ever did that, I would be devastated. But like, imagine what this guy, I mean, this guy's talking about putting a gun in somebody's mouth. Yeah. That has to be. At 80?

By the way, to really do that, to imagine yourself putting a gun in somebody's mouth has to get you so fucking rock hard. I imagine...

Just seeing the fear in someone's eyes, that to me- Depends on the person, but yeah. Well, yeah. I don't mean you go up to some kid on a playground. I'm just saying like a fucking- Like a guy that deserves it. An asshole. And you put it in his mouth and now you see the fear in his face. You just have a rager. Yeah. And you're like, I'm going to take the gun out, but I'm going to put my dick in there. And you are going to take all of it.

If not, the gun goes back in. That's what that weirdo, that yoga guy would do. That guy, that's exactly what he would do. Put a gun in his mouth and put his fucking mushrooms. You know the Spartans, they used to do this too. Go and drink a McDonald's coffee this morning just to go finish the rest of it. No. To find out I have...

A mouse. Fucking puke. In the bottom of my cup. No way. Yeah, bro. Is that real? Yeah. You can orchestrate this, obviously. You can. You can, but like. That's a small mouse. A fucking mouse. It's probable. I think this one's probable. This should be national news. But listen, how did the mouse get in the pour from the pour? No, no. It has to be in the cup. And then you build the drink around the mouse cup. So somebody grabs a cup without looking? Can you imagine driving back around and be like, can I throw something? Can I speak to a manager here?

Oh my God. If that's real, that's that place needs to be shut the fuck down forever. Of course. I mean, it's possible because like I said, look how tiny that mouse is. You probably wouldn't feel it in the weight of the cup if you're making a drink. But here's the thing. We live in this time now where like you can't put it past someone to create, manufacture this. I know. I know. It's still a good tech talk. Christina, by the way, your, your Instagram, I messaged you on this after I did your, your show. Um,

Your Instagram has gotten me sick. Your Instagram has gotten me sick. No, her Instagram stories. I saw this Asian woman and I didn't know what it was and she started eating something and I messaged you. I go, why did you do this to me? You're not supposed to be proud. How do you find this? This is my job. Can I tell you something, Paul? It's easy because I love what I do.

It's never a work. It really is my passion. I always say that her stories and these, it's like, it's an emotional ride and you just don't know what day it is for her. Cause some days it's a very, very sad and very traumatic. And some days it's like silly and fun and you just don't know what you're getting into. You've actually, you've actually freaked me out. And I've had that yoga guy moment with your Instagram story a bunch. Oh, I'm so happy to hear that. All I want to do is take people on a journey. That's all I want.

That's disgusting. Oh, it's amazing. The reality of being trans is even if you're in the hospital trying to get help, you're going to get misgendered. It's going to be the hospital staff and it's going to hurt. This morning, I was woken up by being called to heat.

Thank you, Christina. Thank you for adding that to your library. Well, you're fighting for your life. You think you'd let the misgendering slide? I mean, look, you know. What's this dude's health issue? What the fuck is on his face?

that's I'm not sure about but it doesn't look good it's not I think it's a feeding tube or something right there imagine if you had a feeding tube and your biggest problem was somebody fucking saying that to you dude that's what I mean that's nuts that's what I mean like when I was younger and someone would call me ma'am before I lived in the south I'd be a little irked because I'm like I'm not that old but I wouldn't I wouldn't take to video you know what I mean

You know what, man? There's people that fucking have feeding tubes that want to get rid of the feeding tube instead of this shit. That's enraging to me. I know. Thank you, Christina. So let's see what else you got here. It's another fun ride.

See? That was a fun counterbalance. You have the dying patient. You have the back and forth. You do. A little cultural relevance with the Italian stuff. But this one's great because we've all done this. Everyone's done this. No, but what makes this one great, it's the off-balance fall. It's the one step one way, the other step, and then shit falling. It's perfect. And nobody gets hurt, but it is a nuisance. That last two steps is what does it.

That sucks so bad. Oh, shit. It's enough to fuck up your day. By the way, my wife, if you ever want to see my wife uncontrollably laugh, uncontrollably can't, is when somebody falls. She goes to the models that wiggle, you know, when the heel goes, and they're on the runway, and she's crying laughing. You got to show this one. Oh, she would love that. Can I see it one more time? She would cry. I just like the, it's so subtle. I give them credit for staying up. Oh, oh.

Right there, that one. Yeah, me too. I thought he was going to hit the wall and just fucking. He stayed. He doesn't get hurt, so it's lovely. He doesn't break his thing. Just a little whoopsie daisy. It's really good, actually. It's really good. Yeah, so I can talk in two different voices. I mean. This is the range I used to speak in. Whoa, what? It feels really weird to do that voice just because I don't really, I don't.

do it that often it's basically just like muscle memory so once you learn like the exercises and practice practice practice your voice eventually just settles into a new one and even though i can do my old voice that was wild it is quite difficult and it requires like a lot of concentration concentration

Dude, my grandmother had that haircut in the 80s. The hair is terrible. The hair is terrible. Yeah, she needs to restock. I wasn't ready for that voice change, dude. Yeah, that was dramatic. That's a new lane I'm really into are detransitioners. And they'll be like, I can still talk like a woman, but I can also still talk like a man. And you watch them flip. It's pretty interesting. Awesome. Uh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You call me the evil, but don't call me that. Look at that haircut. God damn. That guy's just having fun. Yeah. That guy.

You can call me anything you want, but don't call me that. I just heard you could call me anything you want and then just marvel at you. My dad had that haircut. That guy is hammered. Remember? That guy drinks a lot. I mean, that guy's hammered. No, you could sit with the red face. Yeah. That's eight hours in. Also, like, his tolerance, like, what, his, like, halfway done drinking, you're incapacitated. Yeah.

Yeah, and you know what I notice about people that get hammered? That's a different smile. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like the front teeth come out smile. Yeah, the bottom lip is in a little bit. That guy's fucking hammered. It's a half smile because the muscles stop working. Like the nerves are shot in his face. Yes, yes. It's all he could actually do. That's all he can do. Is this Florida trash or...

No, that kind of feels like Louisiana. That sounds like Louisiana. Yeah, that's some fucking... That's some fucking... ...Casian bullshit right there. Yeah, like what are those things that go in the water with the fans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The swamp things? Yeah. What the fuck are those things called? This guy's having fun. It could be Georgia. It could be South Carolina. All jokes aside, all seriousness, how long do you think he's drinking at this point? I'm going to say close to seven, eight hours. Easily. I would say...

Yeah, I would say about eight hours. Yeah, he started early. Yeah, it might be 10. Can we hear the last thing he said again? I just want to try to make out the last thing he said. I'll play the audio with no video. This way you can just focus on...

Let's see here. You call me anything you want, but don't call me that. I got but. Yeah, I was almost like, but don't call me that. You got something out of it?

I heard, but don't call me a no. No. Really? No. I kind of thought I heard that. I think he said, but don't call me that. You call me anything you want, but don't call me that. No, don't call me that. I think he's saying that. Don't call me that. I don't know, dude. I think he's saying, you call me anything you want, but don't call me that. That's what he's saying. Yeah, don't call me that. No, you're not. Now, was he called that before that? It's possible. That you'll never know. Yeah, that you'll never know.

- Wow. - Maybe. Wow. - He's red. And by the way, that is a same day red.

I didn't put sunblock on at all. And if you notice the cup he has, that alcohol cup, that's a big jug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's like a double or triple. Yeah, yeah. It's not beer. No, no, no. That's half filled with something and then a little mixer, if a mixer. This kid is, yeah. Yeah, there's some type of bourbon or whiskey in there. I think it's safe to say we know what that guy voted for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I think I know what he's doing in 2024. Yeah.

He's not like when the camera's out, he's not like, I'm just getting it right. I'm getting it done. No. All right. June 8th, you're going to be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. Have you done the Gramercy before? No, it got rescheduled. We had to reschedule it. So it'll be June 8th. And I'm looking forward to it, man. It's a fun. You've done the Gramercy. Yeah, I'm doing. Yeah. Drew Dark Titties, the 23rd.

But you've done a Gramercy, I'm saying. Yeah, I filmed my last special there. It's a very special, beautiful thing. I heard it's great for comedy. Wonderful. You're going to have a great time. Yeah. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it. And then if you have not yet seen Nocturnal Admissions on Netflix and you're going to be, well, you'll have in a short while, you'll have another special coming out. Yeah, I'll have another special coming out. We don't know exactly when. I'm filming it this weekend. And yeah, for all my dates, go to paulverzi.com. I got the three podcasts, The Verzi Effect, Anything Better, and Bone to Pick.

So thank you guys so much, man. Thanks for coming in, man. It was a lot of fun, dude. A lot of fun. Sorry about the guy jacking off in his mouth. No, no. Everything was better after that. Cool, cool. We'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Bye. My fellow Americans, there's one mystery that we have not yet solved in this country, and that is where are all the comings? Where's the comings? If you have hot, sticky coming balls, please don't come. You got any coming, you bull? You got any coming, you bull? Where's the comings?

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