No Bull w/ Johnny Pemberton | Your Mom's House Ep. 763
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Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We have an action-packed, fun-filled, information-filled, funny episode for you today. Amazing guests. Yep. Some real important updates.

And yeah, a bunch of stuff going on. I think to start, do you want to do your dates real quick? I would love to do my dates, Tom. Okay. Thank you so much. I am not coming everywhere like you. Instead, I do select cities. I start with Orlando, Florida, August 16th and 17th.

Fartnix, Arizona. September 21st. And then Raleigh, North Carolina. September 27th and 28th. The Lincoln Theater in Washington did come. In October, Boston Massive Huge Tits, The Wilbur, October 26th. Dania Beach,

And then Phallus, Texas in November. Christina P. Online.com. Thank you so much. Awesome. That was really nice. Yeah. What's going on? I'm going to be

in some i'm coming to canadia for a bunch of dates but let me see i'm gonna pull this up i got some canadia dates coming up um let's see i'm gonna be in well verona new york i guess that's sold out um banger maine june 15th uh winnipeg that's what i was saying well he pegged

London, Ontario, Canada, Asheville, North Carolina, Roanoke, Virginia, Ottawa, Canada, Halifax, Canada. Those are in August. Spokane, Calgary, the great city of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. And then I'm going to be in Tuscaloosa, back in Lincoln. And then I'm in Coachella, Vegas, Eugene, and Vancouver, of course, Canada.

September also has Denver and Cleveland, Buffalo and Toronto. Go to tomsocrow.com slash tour for tickets. Amazing. Amazing. Amaze. What is amaze? What is amaze? There's two gentlemen. Gentlemen. Yeah. With large. And I put into how you say. No, my.

Yeah. Well, she did a PG version. Oh, yeah. She did too. Rectum. Rectum.

It was the spicy version, which is asshole. Asshole. And she whispered it. You know what I'm seeing a lot of is be relaxed massage. Be relaxed is a very, yeah. Yeah. I've seen a couple of them. I think it probably translates perfectly. Be relaxed. Because there's like different grammar, you know, in whatever, in Mandarin or Korean, it might just be like, be relaxed is how you say it. You know what you want to be? Well, be relaxed. Be relaxed. Also be relaxed. You don't want to be tense. You want to be relaxed. Yeah.

So let's open be relaxed. So relaxed. So relaxed. Total relaxed. Yeah. Those are everywhere. I'm a huge fan. Listen, I have so many updates, but I'm, I'm weary of getting into it. Cause I know we have an opening clip. Yeah. Should we start? And then I got so much to, I got a dental update. Yeah. Let's do it. Ready? Yeah. Oh, fellas, how you doing? I always like to stop along the stretch of road to take a little break.

I just stretch back, pull out my dick, whack it, and pop off a load. Guy gets horny traveling down these fucking roads. Yeah, I know what you mean. Going without a break that long really sucks. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone's mother into this. Your mother in the fucking stand! Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

It's so true. Oh, I felt it. Silly kiss.

Wow. Wow. What an opener. Gay porn really has the worst acting. Maybe. I find. Maybe all porn? All porn. But I feel like the gay porn, they don't even try. Yeah, we're trying to cut the bullshit. It's guys. The guys know. Yeah. Let's fucking be done with this nonsense. Not a lot of artistry in that. No. But look how cute these little boys are. I don't know. Let's see the next scene. Doesn't look so cute. Let's see it.

Jerking off releases a lot of tension. Don't tell me you've never beat off. Oh, boy. Yeah, I've done it. Ever done it with another guy? Like your best buddy? No, never have. You really ought to try it. I don't know, dude. Do you think we should?

I guess so. Oh, that was easy. That wasn't like, he started off like, no, all right. Yeah. Didn't really, don't twist my arm. I do. So Instagram has a bunch of these clips of like the setups for these scenes and all the gay ones. I always send to DeStefano and he always writes back fucking yum. This is awesome. Nothing better than a fat cock. Yeah.

- That's beautiful. Every friend has different memes you can send. - Yeah, it's true. - Everybody's got their own special stuff. - Yeah, anytime this comes up, it's like straight to Chrissy D. - Straight to Chrissy D, all the gay stuff, yeah. - And if it's somebody like losing their limb or a life, I send those to like Rogan, Sean.

If it's like a catastrophic lower leg injury, I always send that to Nadav because I know he hates that. Oh, yeah. Like somebody breaking their legs or something. He has like a real... I sent him someone getting hit by a car yesterday. Oh, did he respond? Yeah, he was like, cool, thank you. Thanks for that. Yeah. Yeah, it's really a sign of friendship who you can send your most depraved to. Yeah. I do. I like...

retarded people singing. I send that a lot to select individuals. Yeah. Very cool people. I send mentally ill people to you usually. I like those. Yeah. I know. I'm like, Oh, this lady's wacky. I'll send this to you. I like that. I don't, I ran, I very rarely send regular funny, funny memes. I sent somebody. I don't send. I sent somebody who went some catastrophic, somebody falling off a bridge. Yeah. Like the both of their legs break. Yeah. And I sent it to like a,

friend and he was like what the fuck yeah and I was like yeah this is terrible right I didn't know how to respond I was like I know he's like what's going on I was like yeah I don't know I just thought you and I could talk

talk about this. Yeah. I didn't know how he was going to react. It takes time to find what your meme friendship is with certain people and how dark you can go. Yeah. I was like, that's what I was, I was sending this to be like, can you believe they let this up? Yeah. I was deeply offended. I sent, um, a Muslim, they're making fun of this. It was a call in show during Ramadan. And this guy was like, if I eat,

my own semen? Is God going to punish me? You know, like it was a guy, a prank call. And I sent it to my Muslim friend. I didn't get any LOLs on that. What did they say back? Nothing. They didn't comment. So I was like, well, maybe I can't send Muslim humor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's best to send those to somebody that's not in that religion. I know, but then, you know. Because then you guys can all have a laugh together. Look at this fucking...

These outsiders. Yeah. But then, you know, I have Clayton Peters, a friend. He'll send me Indian stuff all the time. Yeah, but he's got a great sense of humor. Yeah, that's true. He kind of sees the jokes in everything. Not everyone's like that. No. Some people are...

very protective of their ethnic background or their religion. I know. Well, you're what's called no fucking fun. No fun. My favorite is when they make fun of white ladies. I really enjoy. Yeah. Or Eastern European stuff really gets me every time. Yeah. Yeah. I sent you one. I sent you one last night. You did. I know. I saw it. I harded it and I sent it. Yeah. It was pretty accurate, right? Her transition from fork and knife to like. Being a pig. Yeah.

Drinking ice. Yeah. Good shit. So there's so much stuff. I don't even know where to start. I guess I could probably start with my morning because this morning. This is kind of interesting. So last night I'm working via Zoom on my show, my Netflix show. I'm in the writer's room, but I couldn't be in LA. So I just Zoom in.

I didn't realize the saga started this far back. Well, this is what I'm saying. It's that I'm in the writer's room and so I couldn't join for dinner. So I, so you guys are done with dinner. I, cause they're two hours behind. So I have to like stay on later here. Sure. So when it finally ends and they're going home, I get out and there's salmon on the stove. Salmon. Thank you.

So there's two little fillets there. I eat those and that's probably like 7.30, maybe close to 8 our time. And then, so whatever. Then we do like the whole kids routine, right? Get them ready, brush. Ugh, that nightmare. Yeah, the whole thing. Force them to do everything, yeah. And so then I leave there.

I get in bed, I'm getting ready for bed. And then I have that thought where I'm like, oh, I should eat something. Right. But then I go, don't eat something. It's nine something at night. You're not actually hungry. You're just kind of like. You're being a snacky jacky. Yeah. You're being snacky and you're ruminating and there's no, there's no reason to eat. So I just go, don't eat, which I think is a good for you. A good choice. Go to bed. Wake up this morning. It's when the boys jumped in bed. So it's six something. Finally, I'm like, I'm getting up.

Get up and I'm like, I'm going to go run. I decide not to have any food. I have a little coffee. I put water in my little container and I go for a run. I run out two and a half miles, come back and I have the sauna prepped. I go into the sauna and I'm about to fart. And then I feel like the signals, you know, you have like little fingers in your asshole. They go...

Don't fart. You felt that's interesting because I feel the signals deeper in. And I go, oh, this is kind of crazy. Like I haven't I haven't done anything. This is considered fasted cardio. Basically, I haven't consumed anything. And I'm like, man, that's strange. So I push through the sauna. I get out of the sauna.

And I'm like, can I clench my asshole still and get in the cold plunge? I decided that I can. I get in the cold plunge. I do a few, three minutes in there. I get out and I'm like, man, I really need to sit on the toilet. When I sit on the toilet, it is like somebody, you ever see a dump truck go into a landfill? It's just, I mean, a valve opens and just,

It's like somebody had taken handfuls of shit and they just throw it out. Which toilet did you use? The ours. Okay. And, and it's just water and like just violent. And I'm like, man, this is crazy. It's so much that I thank God we have the Toto. I run the,

The cleaning cycle. Yeah. And I run it twice and I put it on, oscillate and pull it, like just clean me up. When I go to wipe, the paper is all brown water. It's stained brown. So I have to run it a couple more times. So that means you had leakage. There's still. It was horrific. Yeah. And I'm thinking, what do you think it was? I mean. Well, okay. Based on what I know about you. It's 12 hours after salmon.

It's not the salmon. It's not the salmon. It's the last thing I eat though, right? Okay, here's what I've learned. Sometimes when you don't eat, it'll make your body shit stuff out. I don't know why. Sometimes if I don't eat a lot. But Lynn, here's what you did. Listen. You drank coffee. A little bit. Just a little? Yeah, it wasn't even a full cup. But then you made fitness. Yeah. Fitness always makes you brown. Hmm.

Sweets, if you have too much sugar, you'll have diarrhea right away. I didn't. But you know what I'm saying? These are the things that, these are your triggers, your anal triggers. And then fitness. And dare I say, sometimes I've had diarrhea after going into a sauna. Really? Yes. Sometimes the heat alone, like if it's super hot outside, I'll just shit. It was so bad. Yeah. It was like noteworthy bad. I know. And then guess- If I was keeping a shit journal-

It would be. I know it's like traumatic. Like you'll think about it forever. Yeah. Yeah. I had diarrhea at the park with our kids and Julian kept opening and shutting the door because he didn't believe me that the door was locked well enough so that people could watch me shit. That was really special. But that was pretty catastrophic where I thought about it for days and days. Yeah. This is one of the worst shits I've had in a long time. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. What do you guys think? I don't think it was a salmon.

I think it's fitness, heat. Yeah, I mean, it's the amalgamation of everything. Salmon could do that to you. But I didn't get diarrhea. And I had the same salmon. Is it possible that it sitting out for a while might have done something? Oh, I know what it is. I cooked the salmon in butter. And butter makes you shit. I'm so sorry. I forgot that piece.

- Yeah, yeah. I forgot that. - This is a YMH exclusive. - I forgot. I'm so sorry. That's what made you shit. - It was a lot of butter. I didn't, I thought it was. - It was a lot of butter 'cause that's how the kids like it. That's how they'll eat their salmon. - That's what it was. - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I did you wrong, babe.

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Terms apply. Must be 21 or older to order alcohol, drink responsibly, delivery and promotions available only in select markets. I did you wrong. But I admitted it. Do you love me that I admitted it? I could have just kept it a secret. I'm glad we can close this cold case. Yeah, no, of course. Thank you. Okay, I'm glad. I have a couple of updates that I'd like to give the audience. Firstly, Annie, I'm wondering, how do you feel about reading glasses? Can you pass me those real quick?

Do you think reading glasses are cap? Meaning... What was that? Okay. Hear me out. Hear me out. And I think you'll agree with me here. As you age, the muscles in your eyes atrophy. Atrophy.

So the reason you need reading glasses is because they're weaker and you have to strain in order to read. So my thinking has always been, well, then fuck them, work them out harder. Why are you allowing them to be weak by putting these on? You know what I'm saying? And now I'm weak.

My eyes are pussies. That's right. That's right. You're making them comfortable. And so as soon as you don't have those glasses, they're going to be even worse than they were before. Exactly. So this is a theory I had for years. So I seldom went to get my prescription, not subscription, right? My subscription updated.

So anyway, I'm at the fucking eye doctor and then she's like, oh yeah, I'm going to, can I touch your eyeball with this tool to test for glaucoma? I go, no, I'd rather have glaucoma than you touch my eyeball with that. So no, I don't have fucking glaucoma. I'm only 47. Fuck your mother. Secondly, so they give me the, the optometrist comes in. Are you listening? Mm-hmm.

And I ask her about this theory. Does it make my eyes weak? Am I giving in? That's right. Are my eyes gay now? Am I gay? Shit. Am I making my eyes homosexual? Right. And she goes, well, I mean, look, you can either wear the glasses and

and allow your eyes to see, or look gay, or you can give yourself headaches trying to squint. So basically saying, it won't make a difference. If you try to squint, you're just going to give yourself migraines. It won't strengthen the eye muscle. I asked a doctor a similar question, and they told me it is just a matter of time for the entire population for both eyes and teeth. In other words, your eyes and your teeth

Without a doubt, there's 0% of people who don't experience some decline in both of those over time. Yeah. At a certain point, your teeth just rot out of your mouth. Yeah. Like if you live long enough, you ever see somebody who's 90, like they don't have normal looking teeth, right? It's just unless they update them. There's nobody who's...

really old who's like, yeah, my vision just stayed 20, 20 up until I was 97. It's impossible. The body just wears down. Yeah. The, the muscle in your eyes, like in your retina, this just starts to decline over time. Yeah. It just declined. So you can make yourself comfortable. She's like, either way, it's going to decline. I've just never, since I never had glasses or anything before as I've needed these, I'm just, everyone's like, why don't you get contacts? I'm like, how do you, I'm not comfortable with them.

Well, that's gay. I don't think so. Contacts are gay. I don't want to touch my eye. But you only need these for reading, right? Or 24-7 on... No, I mean, I wear them because they make screens more clear and reading anything. I just need readers. Isn't the move to just do laser?

- That is the move. - Laser works, right? That's not cat. - What point do you do that? Like do we wait until we're like 60? 'Cause then it'll decline. - No. - Well what I heard is that there is a point where you can't anymore. So you should do it before you can't. - But what if they mess up my laser? - It's a percentage, it's a very small percentage. - It is a super small percentage. My old homie, he got the surgery and they didn't tell him that one of the drugs in it he was allergic to or I guess he didn't know.

Dude was blind for two weeks. Like literally he could not see anything. I, he told me that I'm like, I saw, I don't even know. I saw one of those, you know, news magazine shows about LASIK surgery once and how it has a really high, um, you know, uh,

positive success rate. But they were like, in this small percentage of people, it distorts their vision forever. No! One guy only sees in orange now. No! Everything's like orange hues. But it's also in like 0.01% of the cases. You know, it's like that does suck and all, but... Orange is a cool color.

How do you prove that he only sees orange? Or is it just a lawsuit? Oh, you're right. Good point. Maybe he's a liar face. And also, this looks...

Pretty fucking cool. It's your cool new middle-aged look. I have a cool look. You know, in Botox, there's a small percentage of people that get droopy eye. Yeah. And I asked my plastic surgeon about that. And she goes, well, I go, well, is this going to happen to me? She goes, well, if it does, you just come back and I give you a shot and it opens your eye for the time that it's drooping so that you don't look crazy. And then you look cool again. And then it'll come back after. Yeah.

Yeah, but then why aren't people doing this shit? Because I see fools on TikTok. That's what I want to get. You need to get real pulled back. Yeah, like you can go get a shot apparently that'll open your eyes so that you don't look crazy for the time it takes for this to wear off. But here's the thing. You look really funny and that's a big plus. You're a comedian. I know.

You go on stage like that. So good. People are like, hey, I'm already laughing. We're all laughing. Yeah. That's cool. Are you going to start doing Botox? No. Fillers? I don't think so. Randy Gosling got crazy fillers. Did he? Will you Google his face? And you know I'm a huge Gosling fan, but they put too much in his little cheek. Oh, did they? Yeah. He's a little too smooth. He has a rounder face. Yeah, look at the one next to that one. The right one? Yeah. That one.

Oh, wow. I see what you mean. Yeah, they did. So they do it in the cheekbone, but male cheekbones different than women's and whoever filled them out. Yeah, that's a lot, right? That looks like it looks like he's swollen there. Yeah, they should dissolve that. Okay. It wasn't placed properly for a man. Movie stars, man. Yeah. Just like us. They got to do it though. You know, Tom Cruise does filzies. Yeah. They all do it. Big stars. Big stars. They all do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Looks like his nose is real pointy too. Look how narrow his nose is. Isn't that a more narrow nose? I don't know. I don't think so. No? Okay. No, I think just the, they did his cheek area a little too much. His lady did stuff too, right? Eva Mendes, it looks like she got a full facelift. That's the age to do it though, right? You don't want to do it late. No. So here's what I heard. I've always been told to the right. That one. Okay, it's okay.

I've been told you have one good facelift and you should choose your timing wisely. Eva Mendes is very young. I don't think it's in your 40s. I think she's in her late 40s maybe. I think that's too soon. I think you got to wait. Okay. I think she's, oh, she's 50. Okay, so I don't know, maybe 50. She's very pretty though. I would have, oh, she's gorgeous. Hopefully it'll relax. Maybe it's brand new. It's tight. Well, that's how I'm going to get mine. I'm going to get it like this. Yeah. Pull it back real, real tight.

Okay. Yeah. Do the veneers. You look perfect. I go, how's everybody doing? You look great. Yeah. Also, I have a veneer report. I was watching the movie Valley Girl. Okay. The 80s movie with Nicolas Cage. Oh. Oh, yeah. This is part of it. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

Nick, can you Google Nicolas Cage in Valley Girl? His teeth are very different naturally. Like he's a cute boy. In the 80s nobody had good teeth. Right. They're kind of uneven. They're jagged. They're not great, but he's adorable. Like he's just goofy and cute. Yeah. Look at Nicolas Cage's face. Look at those teeth now. But again, he's a wacky guy. Look at that one. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, those are... Those are super white. Yeah, they're very white. Super blocky.

Oh, I see. You can see it right there perfectly. Yeah. Like he was even kind of cute there when they were just natural. They're big. They're big and white. But he also has a big mouth. He can't do little teeth. No, but he has little teeth naturally. See? Oh, yeah.

And they gave him big teeth. Big and white. You can't, you can go too white. Everyone goes too white. Too white. And also if you're a celebrity and you can afford it, fix them. Like, you know, that doesn't look right. So go back and fix them. Yeah. Have them made a little more natural. Not natch. He's great though. I can watch that guy in anything. Yeah. He's amazing. We got some really interesting updates here. So do you remember this?

Yes, of course. Who can forget? Well, you were very... He's like, "Get out of here." He's like, "Get out of here. Your nuts are too small." Whoa. Play with your balls. That guy liked it. He's smiling. Yeah, this guy doesn't like it. So, I got this. Hi, Tim and Chris. Watching episode 757 during the gay Indian military ball bag exam, I just got to thinking that our very own American military has a much more gay and invasive exam, which goes as follows.

For a whole day you get regular physical exams, but it gets very gay right before you are able to swear in. Things begin to turn sideways when we, about 30 dudes, were put into a cold, empty room. Then about five doctors who look like they enjoy the company of a young boy told us to strip down to only underwear.

For the next hour, they watch us and take notes as we perform a series of weird walks. At the end, they come up and feel up on our chests and whatever else looks questionable for entrance.

Just when you begin to feel a little violated and uncomfortable, you are then funneled one by one into a separate doctor's office with only one dude who should definitely be sworn in as a cool guy who tells you to face him, remove your pants and underwear. He checks the front out for a second, then asks you to take the following steps. Spin around, bend over, touch your toes, then reach back and spread those cheeks. You can then feel the heat of his gaze on your undercarriage for entirely too long.

Just wanted to make the mommy universe aware of this fun exam. And if they're considering joining and also to let Ian know that he does not need to move to India and join the military, he can have a great experience in our own country. Thanks, Jeans, Jacob. Why are they looking at your butthole for so long? I mean, just to make sure everything is probably functioning properly. Maybe if you bend over and cough something, you know, doesn't react the way it should. They go, hey, you're not gonna be able to fuck well here.

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Age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See DKNG.co slash bball for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources. Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero bathhouse.

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. Get out of here, you know? Yeah, I heard when you get into prison, they do a pretty aggressive...

you know, exam too. That's if you're hiding stuff up there. Your genital and they want to see if there's contraband. Yeah. In your booty hole. Cause you can cough and it'll fall out of your booty hole. Yeah. Yeah. Cause people will put cool stuff up there. It's true. Oh, I know. It's very true. Cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. It's how you sneak in your, your drug ass at everything. Oh yeah. Okay. Let's see this. Oh my God. I'm going to have trouble with this one.

This was one that we played. Eating a booger breaks your fast? If you pick your nose and you eat the booger and intentionally swallow it, yes, it breaks your fast. This was about eating boogers during Ramadan. It led to us talking about

I have a visceral like vomit, like reaction to just booger eating. So we, we put out the call. And you brought up that Brooke Shields was a voracious booger eater. Cause I remember that photo is burned into my memory. Like when she was seen doing that, I think at a tennis match or something. So we got this picture.

Hey, I'm 31 and I've never stopped eating my boogers. Oh my God. I'll get straight to the point. About every serious relationship I've been in, I had revealed I eat my boogers early and never really met a woman who takes issue with it. If anything, they love it. No, they don't.

They love the honesty. Plus, I've eaten boogers of multiple women I've dated. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking puke. I will say I've barely been sick in my life as far as a common cold or anything. Thanks for reading and shout out to my fellow booger eaters. Erin. Erin, I'm going to fucking... That was so gross. And then...

Here's another one. Good morning, Julia. I hope this doesn't scare you. I'm reading, I'm writing in about the adults eating their boogers phenomenon. My other half is a big old booger eater and we are both in our late twenties, early thirties. I first noticed this habit a few years ago. We had just started dating and frankly, he was the best and most attractive boyfriend I ever had. So needless to say, I chose to ignore it.

Fast forward a few years to moving in and spending essentially every day together. He was now consuming his boogers with no shame as we sat side by side on the sofa. I finally mustered up the courage to ask him about it, stating, did you just eat a booger when there was a Kleenex right there? And he said, yeah, why not?

The response left me dumbfounded. Did I really love a man so much that I could overlook this strange habit? Could I open up my arms to him in my heart forever? Short answer, yes, I can, and I always will. He is my disgusting little goblin. Now, to be fair, he has accepted my disgusting habits, like blowing my nose into my hand in my shirt. Oh, I do that. I guess you could say he's a heavenly match in our cute little home, from the crown mopping to the chair rail. Sending buckets and buckets of hate from Toronto, Melissa."

Well, what do you think? Because I blow my nose into my hand. Yeah, I've seen that. It's fucking foul. But I don't eat my boogers. I don't think I could tolerate. I would have a real rough time. I can't do that because, look, we all do stuff when we're watching TV. Yeah. Bite your nails or I blow my nose into my hand. Yep. But having somebody quietly eating their boogers next to you, you're trying to watch Baby Reindeer and he's picking his nose and eating it. Yeah. I can't do it. I know. I can't.

That's it. That's a deal breaker. It would be rough, man. I can take your explosive farts and diarrhea any day. I very rarely do that. You farted so loud this morning. Oh, but that makes sense because of your diarrhea. That was a precursor. But there was no sign then. Yeah. When that came out, I was like, welcome to the new day. It's a new day, you know. I thought you might enjoy this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cooking my dinner.

Two tosses, some as well, and the chicken breast, some as well. He's cooking in his car. Yeah, I see that. That's cool. I wish I had one of those for hotels. Yeah. I mean, he's doing better than a lot of folks. I want a pan that I can just bring with me on the road. In the car? Yeah. You like that? I mean, if I were him, I would roll the windows down because it's a lot of smoke and smell. His car's going to smell like bangers and chicken tits. Yeah, but I mean...

It's all right. It's fine. It's just him. Just him doing his thing. Yeah. That's cool. I like this guy. I know. He's very cool. Yeah. But you know what I take issue with? He didn't season the chicken. It looked very bland. Very bland. I know, but maybe he's just cutting weight or something, you know? I didn't see any herbs or spices in his car. Is there a spice rack maybe in the glove box? I don't know. I didn't get the full tour. I just saw what you saw. There's no spatula. How is he flipping? So many questions. Yeah.

More videos that elicit a lot of comments. Sure. This is a new lane that we've discovered. Do you know what's in your almond milk? This brand has canola oil, natural flavors, and is fortified with synthetic vitamins. Instead, Trimalt has three ingredients. It's just almonds, water, and sea salt. I bet people love her. Well. Nothing but positivity. Goblin head, big word.

I came to comment section to see if everyone agreed, and the only comments I see is everyone bashing this young man. Oh, boy. I know someone who would like that, who would hit that. 85,000 likes for that. 85,000. Oh, come on, you guys. What ethnicity are you? I'd like to call you a slur. Oh, jeez. By Mr. N-word. Mr. N-word, yeah. That's really cool. Cool. She looks like she's from an English village in the 1300s.

Next video, try opening them with your chin. Jesus Christ. She escaped the Salem witch trials to tell us about almond milk. That's dedication, man. Stop worrying about what's in the almond milk. Start worrying about if your mom and dad were brother and sister. That's fucking...

it's cool yeah so that's goblin head there's baby head and goblin head oh yeah baby there's baby head too baby head is uh this lady reese's puffs throw them out throw them out throw them out it's got sugar corn syrup caramel coloring baby head yeah that's what that's what they call her she's got a baby body too and they also call her hairy arm baby it's very common now people so free they are very comfortable yeah

Very comfortable. Finally, I always wondered if he had seen it and we finally got verification that he did. You may have seen on social media from when I did my sledgehammer special, I tell a story about a famous neighbor.

And they finally got to question him. There's a comedian named Tom Segura who does a stand-up special. I don't know if you know this. And he tells a story that's allegedly about you. Yeah, it's complete fiction. It's utterly made up. I've never met the guy. I've sadly watched it on Twitter. Sadly. It is twisted and deranged, and it's complete fiction, which of course means every lefty believes it's true because it's horrible about me, and he just made it up and got some laughs from lefties who hate me. Yeah.

To be fair, to be fair, I toured the world and everybody hates you. It wasn't just lefties. People in every market all hated you equally. But that's why he's just such a good choice for the story. It's perfect. It's a story about him. Beautiful. People ask, was it really him? And I say, you know, maybe. Yeah.

He looks great though. I do like that suit jacket. That's a nice suit jacket. I'll say this. People hate you, but that's a nice suit jacket. Yeah, you look good though. At least you look nice. Yeah, that's a very nice jacket.

I think we should take a quick break. Oh, exciting. And we'll be right back with our very awesome guest. Our guest today is a prolific comedian and actor. You can see him in New York City on July 21st. You can see him in San Francisco August 28th, Sacramento August 29th. He plays Thaddeus in the hit show Fallout on Prime Video. Most importantly, he's Peanut from Pickle and Peanut. And you can get tickets to see him at johnnypemberton.dog. It's Johnny Pemberton. All right.

Great to be back. It's great to have you back. You are on a massive hit show. It's nuts. It feels kind of strange. It's the most watched show in the world right now. I think it is. I think it's like, I don't know. I mean, obviously, no one knows for sure because Amazon, they're like, we'll tell you a little bit. Yeah, of course. It's so weird to be in this era where they're like, I don't know. It's good. And you're like, tell me something. Do people like it?

But you can tell because TSA is like, hey. Yeah. Hey, man. Yeah. The TSA thing is, hey, you that guy? What I get the most, though, is, you know, you look like the guy from this thing. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I hear that. Yeah. And then they're like, sometimes they don't know. Yeah. I get that when I'm out in public. Right. A lot of times airports.

Anyone ever tell you you look like a comedian? I'm like, I've heard it. It's a guy's like, hey, everyone tell you you look like a comedian. You're like, walk away. Like, let me just drop that on this guy. He doesn't know. He's going to sit with that the rest of the day. Don't even know who he looks like. I get, are you, are you Christina P? Thank you. You know what I mean? And I know I'm blessing their day. I just know how great I am. You're so great. You're so goddamn great. You're so good. You're so good.

Because you've worked so much though. Is it, is it like, everybody wonders what it's like to be on a, something that's a hit. Like you've been on a lot of things, but like huge hit, does it feel like, Oh wow, this is what this, you get the experience of.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I haven't been, I was in Oklahoma for the past, like almost a month when it came out. So I was experiencing like the Oklahoma version of that, which sometimes is like- Filming there? Yeah, I was filming one of those pilot for FX and it's like, you know, it's very different there. Oklahoma's-

different than everywhere. It's nice, but it's also, I don't know what, if this is just, if I'm experiencing something because of it's the Oklahoman-ness of it or if it's like actually... Is it more there? Are people more like, oh shit. I don't know. I can't really tell. I feel like maybe, but that's also just because it's like a thing where

There's always context too because sometimes people, they... Like I had something recently. I was in Kansas City. I don't know where. Maybe Indianapolis. I'm not sure. But I had a girl. She was like, does anyone tell you you look like Johnny Pemberton? And she was fully saying like, oh, I'm not that person. Yeah. And so I think it's like, you know how context is like a thing where... Did you tell them? I just think I said, yeah, I get that a lot. Almost every day. And I think slowly she realized, oh, yeah.

Yeah, that it is him. But, you know. Yeah. Because like you don't expect to see someone in a place like a crappy ramen place. Yeah. You just don't expect it. What the hell are you doing here, man? Yeah. Yeah. That's the best. People are like, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing here? Yeah. Yeah. So is that how you feel about your town? Yeah. This place sucks, man. What are you doing here? Yeah. There's like the two reactions. Some people are like, what are you doing here? Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing in New York City? Yeah.

Like, what are you, why are you here? Why did you come here? We get that a lot on the road when we do a stop like for coffee, like on a highway somewhere. And someone will be like, the hell are you doing here? Like, we just stopped for coffee. Like, that's what we're doing here. We're leaving too. Yeah. You should. And we are. Can I come with you? Can I come with? Yeah.

You're just a, I mean, you act in everything. I feel like you're constantly. It's like waves. It's waves. But Kirk told me you guys, didn't you guys do something together? Kirk Fox? Yeah. He said you guys, didn't you guys do a movie? Shot a movie in the fall in Florida. Yeah. I remember that. It's been just, they just finished editing it and it should be, we're kind of waiting on festivals right now. That sounded cool. It's really cool. It's going to be, it's nuts. It's like a, it's a crazy sci-fi movie.

Florida. It's about a mermaid. Yeah. But it's not a pretty. Dark. It's a dark story, right? Very dark. I play a guy who's addicted to painkillers. Yeah. And he's like, you know, basically on the spectrum a little bit. And he is obsessed with fish.

because he's not good with people, obsessed with fish, and it's like a crime. Like Robert Patrick's in it. He's the main bad guy. Oh, yeah, he's great. Dude, he's fucking incredible. That guy, he's nuts. He's like so, he has so much energy and he's so like intense. Right.

It's like so inspiring to work with a person who's, you know, he's at least 20 years older than me and he is so fucking sharp. Ready to go. He exhausts me. I'm like, how are you doing this? Where are you getting this energy? There's a scene where he's in the water. He's supposed to be pretending to like, I don't want to spoil anything, but he's like, you know, he's in the water and he's trying to make himself vomit. And he's like, he's talking shit to me between takes. Just fucking with me. Because I was filming him. He's like,

Pam Pertini, you piece of shit, you dumb ass. I'm like, he's taking the piss out of me. But it's just so, I'm like, my God. He's just so, I don't know. I don't get where it comes from. Yeah. That's rad. Yeah, that's cool.

That's going to be a fun movie to see. But you know what I like about you, because you've done Where My Mom's At a few times, is that you're a big show business guy, but you're not. You're so normal. I guess. Look how you dress and stuff. You're kind of a normal guy. Look how he dresses. You know what I mean? You're like, how do I put it? Because aren't you from Virginia? Wow. Keep going. North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia. No.

deeper further south no okay and really yeah no i'm other direction from minnesota that's where i grew up why why did i think you were southern because i just do southern yeah you do and you're talking about my mom's from louisiana so it's like you know but you always talk about like playing in the backyard and stuff right blowing stuff up and your mom a creole no she's just like a redneck just a standard catholic redneck baton rouge uh

Alexandria. Alexandria. Where the paper mill is. Okay. Oh, that smells bad. And your dad, is your dad from Minnesota? He's from, he was born there, but he, I think he spent most of his life in Wisconsin. Okay. So he's a Skani. Yeah. So you're hardcore Midwest. I mean, Minnesota, Wisconsin. But you know, I grew up, my mom would like talk shit about Minnesota constantly. I was around my mom 90% of the time and she would be, she had a Southern accent. Everyone make fun of her. Not make fun of her, but you know, it's like, hey, here comes Lacey. She's coming. She's got her.

Twang. Yeah, she's got, I made rolls for the party. Yeah. That's right, because when you're on my show, you're like, your mom would love to talk trash about the neighbors, because that's what we're talking about in our community. They're so concerned about what other people are doing on their property. Oh my God, it's all people do. Yeah, I'm like, I don't care what my neighbor's building, doing. How can

How can you not care? How can you not care what they're up to? I don't care. People will be like, I saw you put an umbrella up. Yeah. And you're like, huh? Are you serious? Yeah. Hey, Tom. I saw you put that. Where'd you get that umbrella? Yeah. And they're like, is it permanent or is it just kind of a thing for the moment? What is that? What's up with that umbrella you got there, huh? Yeah. And I'm going to take it down. Okay. Because you know you can't have like a fixed umbrella up all the time.

Yeah. You can't? No. There's all these fucking rules. I can't handle that. I don't know. Oof. Yeah. I cannot handle that shit at all. I know. They're all involved. There's part of me. It wears on you. You know about Pasadena, right? What about it? Pasadena. It's what the valley was supposed to be. I know that. Well, Pasadena is like, if you want to paint your...

your bathroom you have to get the city council involved the shit like that it's nuts to preserve the oldness of those houses like the bungalow styles or whatever they're like we are not LA this is Pasadena I want to buy a house there just to like oh fuck you yeah I feel like that will backfire I think it would I think this would be like a thing where I would be I need something else to do other than uh

then fucking piss off the Pasadena olds. You know about the Huntington Gardens, right? You know why their hours are from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.? Please tell me. It's because the people, the Huntington homeowner district is such a bunch of nimby bastards that they...

They don't want traffic in the mornings. Oh, yeah. So what's the best time to go to a garden? Obviously, early in the morning. Early, yeah. It's the greatest time. It's like the one time it's worth getting up early is to be at a garden. Right, the sun's not killing you. Yeah, you're not getting fucking blasted by this nuclear Southern California sun. Yeah. Yeah, you can't go there. It closes. It doesn't open until 10. Unless you're like a special member, you have to pay twice as much and you can go there at 9. Yeah.

That's so weird. Yeah, because it's all this NIMBY shit. Yeah, and they're like, we don't want all the trucks on the street. Congestion. And you're like, what are you talking about? No. We noticed, no big deal, but your car was parked outside on the street. You know you can't do that overnight, right? Also, the car is not clean. Yeah, if you could. It was sort of a dirtier car. We have a parking place for people who are coming to work.

If you don't live here, you should probably walk in. Maybe use the...

There's the back entrance. There's a whole back street. It's dirty. It's where the rats and the cats, they all hang out back there. There's trash there. You can put it by the trash. Yeah. Just stand by the trash. If you could just wear a trash bag, like a sort of a ghillie suit trash bag, please. If you could just show up and maybe make sure, no eye contact. Please don't. No eye contact. Never. No. Please don't make eye contact in the morning in the Huntington district. Yeah.

We lived in a neighborhood where the neighbors would police if you parked in front of their home. Oh, my God. On a public street. This is a public street. Just on a regular street. That's a bored person. That's a person who's like, oh, you know, I'm addicted to Diet Coke and I hate my life. Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to make someone else's miserable as mine. I remember getting like, the person came, hey, yesterday, I was like,

You parked right in front of our house? Yeah. And I was like, huh? We're like, who cares? And they were like, yeah, you parked right in front of our house. What did you say? I was like, yeah, there was nowhere else to park. And they're like, yeah, but we park in front of our house. So don't park in front of our house. And I was like...

Okay, well, if there's nowhere else to park, I think that it was like a last... Don't they have a driveway? Yeah, and a garage. Yes, all the things that come with houses. Then there was a real psycho, the guy across the street. That was the best. Tell the story. He's probably dead by now anyway. He's got to be dead. Hopefully. I'd never spoken to this guy. And I parked in front of his house. And I guess, you know, it was...

Tuesday, Wednesday, I took her car. So I left my car. Oh, for more than a day? And so I left. And when I came back, I park. And then that night I'm going to take my car. So I walk over and there's a note there. And it's like, hey, dipshit. Like that. It was like, you left your car here and they couldn't street clean. Don't fucking leave your car here. So then what I would do is- Did you get a ticket though? You also got a ticket, right? Yeah.

I don't remember if I got, I don't think I got a ticket. I think what happened was I see that and I'm like, yeah, okay. It was so aggressive. And so then what I would do is when I had friends come over. Park over there. I go park over there. And then I tried to get friends. I go, hey, I'm leaving town. If you don't mind. Would you mind parking your car there? Would you park your car there for a couple of days? Yeah. Try to see if I could. So they basically just raised your tire. He was a former cop. Former cop. No, but Tommy, remember what?

If you did park in front of his house, he would- Oh yeah, he would put his car like an inch from your car. Yeah, the passive aggressive, like super close thing. That's wild. I have written a note though. You wrote a note? I wrote a note, but here's why. In front of our house, there's only two parking spaces and the person took up both. Okay, that's unfair. And when I do write a note, I do it in a way where it's like, I don't know,

I don't speak English. I wrote a big note with my left hand and I write, "Please park extra space, thank you." And like a big, huge piece of construction paper on there, like scrawl.

And then I think they're like, oh, this is scary. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then I'd feel. Not correct grammar or anything. Yeah. And I'd feel bad for the person who wrote it. Yeah. And I'd want to help them. That's actually very smart. Or maybe I should be like, please, I am no walk. This help Papa. And they're like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

Daddy sick mini cough. Please help. This space for mini. Mini. Do you know? Do you know? Now you do. Are you knowing? Yeah. Are you knowing this is more room for people than this car is? Yes. I'm having wonderful time of explain. Are you? Yes.

It's so weird to deal with on an accent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The non-accent accent. I never try. I should write it. I should start writing notes. To neighbors? Just on cars. Start some shit. Anywhere on cars. Just, hey. Hey. Hey. How's it going? Well, you can do the wash me thing. Where are you from? Why do you park like this? Oh. Like that? Welcome. Or like, nice tits, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

That's it? Yeah. Especially if it's a guy. Oh, fuck. Fuck, I'm gaining weight. Nice tits, bitch. Sad you're thinking about that, actually. Yeah. Fuck, these tits are growing. You've got a big titty...

- Trauma. - Yeah, dude. That'll really wreck somebody. By the way, speaking of Gotham, we've been seeing that there's this whole lane of theme park people. Some of them are seeing if you're fat, can you ride these rides? Some of them are like, here's the food, if you were thinking of just spending a day eating here. - Oh, I know. These videos play in my house. - Oh, cool. - What? - Yeah, but there's this lane too. - I know.

I know. Disney. It finally happened.

Wow. This is Christina's dream. Is this Bat Day? Yes. Okay. So this is called Bat Day. And this has been a goth tradition, especially Disneyland in LA. If you grew up in LA, this is something the goths have been doing for, I don't know, 30 years now. Wow. Now, Pemberton, you and I were talking about this before we got on mic, is that there actually used to be a goth club. I think it was at Knott's Berry Farm, I want to say, in the late 80s. Oh, there was?

And so, and not, there are goth characters. Maleficent is got all the dark witches and stuff. So there's a little correlation. Granted, they are adults. I'm not,

stoked about that but there's a lot of teenagers too do you have to defend my tribe there's also disney dating sites oh you're serious it's like are you a rope dropper which means are you there first and before it opens are you a park closer rope dropper does sound 100 like taking big shits yeah yeah well it's funny you say that i'm a rope dropper here's a guy that was at disney shut the fuck up

Oh, even the walk to the walk. He's got the, the, the, who do, do the, you know, the sort of wobble. That's also a lot of shit. And like, why don't you take off your long sleeve and wrap it around your waist to cover? Is he got his period? He didn't even notice? Did he not notice the shit? He knows. He's like, well, there's a bathroom up there. Also, you know what? Yeah. Let's film him. Yeah.

Let's just film this guy. This guy who had the worst moment of the year and then just put him on the internet. You know, I've been so lucky when I've sharted, it's always been at home, except for one time on an airplane and I had an extra pair of underwear with me. I always bring extra underwear when I travel. Yeah. For whatever reason. What was your last shart? Last shart?

It's been a while. Yeah. I mean, it's all like, I kind of forget the minor ones because it's just why remember? Sure. Yeah. But I did one on a train in Europe when I was like probably 20 years old or something like that. Oh, it's been a while then. Yeah. But that one was like- Bad. I wish I had. I had to take off the underwear and just free ball it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think I slept so hard and I drank so much water.

Wine. Yeah. The combination on my feeble bowels just really fucking ripped it. Well, but this is interesting because is he not wearing underwear?

Because it's rare for a shart to bleed. Is it bleeding? It could be. Or it just could have been just a massive shit. Just a huge. I mean, look at that. That's a lot. That's a liquid though. That's a big shart. Because you know when you're sharting. I think it was on a ride and the abrupt, oh, you know. Oh, yeah. That's a thing. Oh, fuck. I've had that almost happen a bunch of times. I've had it where I'm laughing.

I'm like, oh, I have to do more Kegels because I have to do Kegels like actively. You do? I didn't know men had Kegels. What do you mean? I thought it was just a vagina muscle. Oh, no, it's ash. It's the same thing. It's all part of the same- It's in that pelvic floor. Yeah, the pelvic floor. Okay. Well, very good. Also can help you from busting your load too fast. I guess so. Hey, sorry. I hate to analyze it. It's just-

It's capturing my attention. He's not in a hurry. That walk is a leisurely, clueless walk. Am I right? And he's noticing too. Well, that's why I was thinking that I don't even think that that's shit. Because yeah, if that was shit, homie, you're running. You're running to that entrance. There's no way. He's got a crazy Disneyland jacket on. You know what that's called? It's called the spirit jersey. Ha ha ha!

It's literally called that. I know. Is the shit staining the bottom of his shirt too? Because that color looks... No, that's the gold castle. Yeah, that's the castle design. Can we see that one more time? I just want to check his gate out again. Yeah. I don't see a sense of urgency. Yeah, but you know what? I'm going to...

Speak from experience. When you have that much shit in you, you can't run because you're at risk of agitating it further. I think he's resigned to the fact that it happened. He's looking ahead like bathrooms are up there. Okay. He's walking like this. He's also like, I'm still a cool black brother. I'm not going to run and look silly in front of all these folks. You know what I mean? Hold on. So he's got a hot load in his pants. He's got to own it? Hold on. I've got another forensic thing to go on here.

When you dump in your pants like this, I've had shorts run down my legs. Right. There's a lot of brown up top, but wouldn't the brown go down the leg and out the pant bottom? No. And I'm not seeing any brown coming down. It's going down. I can see a streak. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my God. There's the Disney. You taunting me with these spirit jerseys here. You taunting me. Cause I know. Cause I've been to Disneyland more than twice. How many times have you been there? Probably like 10 times. Oh, okay. I haven't been in a while. Cause you're a rope dropper or a park closer.

I'm probably a park closer. Yeah, dude, we're park closers too, man. Yeah, we're park closers. It used to be fun. It used to be like a thing where, oh, this isn't like filled with assholes. It's not filled with... Now, Disney is just so, so busy. You can't really have fun, I feel like. Too many people. There's just so many people. Ugh. Yeah, it's gross.

Wow. Can you shit in that little slot?

I unfortunately am. No, not today. So clearly Avatar Flight of Passage failed the fact test. Wow. Did somebody say, like, you can't be honest? Is that what they were saying to him? Yeah. At least he says fat, right? Yeah, he does. Yeah, he's 5'8", 370. He's a big boy. Damn! Yeah. 52-inch waist. Disney's Animal Kingdom? Yeah. Is that true? I mean, I don't want to say, I'm not going to say anything. No? No.

-What? -Because he's just... it's all right there. -It's all there, yeah.

It's all right there. The details are... This is the baseball card. Yeah. It's the baseball card. Yeah, it's stats. What park? This is Animal Kingdom. Yeah. Do they put that test chair out for fatsoes? I think so. That's what that was. Yeah, that's what that was. Specifically for fatsoes. Probably because it's like, we don't want to have to deal with this on the day and have it like a difficult thing, you know? Yeah. And also, here's the thing. You put that out there, if you have...

this come up a lot they're like a lot of you are fat a lot of you are coming up here yeah take a seat see if your big fat ass can fit on this yeah and if it can yeah then uh it's like that thing with tsa we have can your bag fit yeah yeah just because we have to deal with you later bullshit oh sorry oops oops sorry sorry flying i forgot flying is is hard yeah fucking unbelievable

Oh, man. What alien was it again? Oh, my God. It was United, right? No, it was American. Yeah. I mean, United makes sense. She's a lying... Uh-oh. Well, they're out there. There we go. They're out there. They're reigniting that fire, Johnny. Thanks. I check. I like to check. I just want to worry about it. Yeah, same bag. Same bag that is overhead in every flight. This fucking lying... said it wasn't going to fit.

Fuck her. Whatever. She's dead. So... How did she die? I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I just heard. Dead to you. Yeah. You're fucking dead to me. Yeah, she is dead. You're fucking dead. Whatever. You don't want to get hated. Man, the Olympics are happening in Paris, isn't it? Oh. Oh, no, man. Oh, no.

Oh damn! Oh, that sucks. Thumbs up. I'm good. Double thumbs up. I just tried to stop 400 pounds flying at me. Wow, he got sat down. He literally was like, I'll stop this with my hands. That's really crazy. And also just the momentum of that thing spinning. Get out of the way, dude. Yeah, I was going to stop and run.

Was he trying to stop it or just turn it? I think he was trying to stop it from hitting his, you know? Oh, yeah. So he just put himself in between the two. Don't want to damage that expensive piece of equipment. Yeah. Yeah. I'd stop that shit. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. I'd fucking stop. I got gloves on. I got gloves on. I'll do anything with gloves on.

That's what you should do. You should wear gloves when you fly. I have. Really? Yeah, sometimes. Like rubber gloves or like... Receiver's gloves, like, you know, like football gloves, yeah. If you do that, then they'd be like... Oh, shit, this guy's serious. Yeah. Sometimes I'll just wear one. Yeah. Yeah, it'll fit. It'll fit, it'll fit. We'll find a place for it, sir. It's good, it's good. We'll find a place for it. You're fine, you're fine. I didn't see the gloves. Didn't see the gloves. Seriously, you're a frequent flyer. Yeah.

Now you wear gloves and an N95?

Double crayon? 95 gloves, safety glasses. N95s I still see out every once in a while. So do I. You're fucking intense. So mentally ill. Yeah. The worst is people trying to talk with them on. Oh my God. Yeah. I just can't understand. I realized that recently. Oh, I can't understand what you're saying. Yeah, it's not even that. It's not just the muffling. It's the literally like how much visual cues you get from seeing someone's mouth and stuff. Yeah, of course.

It's like I can tell the difference between two words that are way too close together. Yeah. And also my hearing's not as good as it used to be. It starts to go. Oh my God. I think I'm scared to get a test because I don't want to find out how bad it is. Because so much of the time, I'm not in our house. It's like, if you're talking to me from a different room, it's like, I don't know. I heard was,

Really? It's like we're one room apart. Yeah. It's like, I have no fuck. I get so pissed though. I can't understand what someone's saying. Yeah. It's like, I can just feel myself diving into dementia. Yeah. That's what I feel about my shitty vision. Really? Well, I just had my eyes checked and then, you know, I have to get my prescription upped and I'm like, fuck.

She was like, are glasses gay? And they were like, no, but your eyes are going to be if you don't wear them. That's what the doctor said. That's what she said. Well, because I feel like I'm giving in to the atrophy if I get glasses. Yeah. Like you're just making them weaker, those muscles. But she's like, that's not how it works. No, I think it's the other way around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like if you give in to hearing loss, then you get dementia. Oh.

If you give in. Yeah, you don't know about that? No. Like hearing loss is inextricably linked to dementia now. They found out that it just hastens it so fast because you start to not be able to hear stuff and so you kind of withdraw and that makes it go faster and all these different aspects. So does that mean if your hearing starts to go, you should just try to dial up your, like get whatever you can do? Yeah, get hearing aids. Yeah. Because it's like you'll develop dementia even though you don't want to. Yeah. You don't have it happen. Fine.

I don't want to have dementia. No. And that, uh, I have a relative who has really bad hearing and her mind is like, yeah. You start to have your own world. What? Okay. I'm right here. Yeah. I feel like if you're a comedian though, it's really hard to have that happen because we use our brains. I know. Like think about like, who's the comedian who just died, who's super old.

Like there's some comedian, did Don Rickles not die? - No, he was long dead now. - He's been dead for years. - But he was like with it till the last second, right? - Oh yeah, Philly Stiller too in the late 90s. They lived for a long time. - That's not an accident. I feel like that's a comedian thing. 'Cause your brain is always solving puzzles. - George Burns and Bob, they all lived to be in the 90s. - Yeah, Dick Van Dyke, he's still around, isn't he? - He's still around. - Carol Burnett still alive. - Still sharp. I don't know about that, but I know they're well. - I mean sharp-ish, sharp-ish for the age.

I think so too. And I just started learning how to drum. Like I do drum lessons now. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. And, um, cause you have to move your foot and the right and the left at the same time. Yeah. It's so hard, but it's so good. Cause I can actually, like, I can't do it right. The first time I learned a beat, I'm like, I don't know, but then I'll, I'll sleep or something. And then the next day I can do it. And I'm like, Whoa, like my brain totally learned to do something that it's never done. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah.

I don't know. It's a good skill. That's how I used to learn video games and stuff. You'd sleep, you wake up like, I know the map now. Yeah. I can fucking stroke these noobs. Oh, because in your sleep it would happen? Yeah, because you're replaying the game in your sleep. Oh. And so anything you learn, like if you're learning a language, when you sleep, your brain's like still tinkering away at the problem. So when you wake up, you're like, ah, je suis l'agent V, you know?

Same with jokes. If I'm like, I don't know how to do this. I'll sleep. I'll wake up. I know how to do this now. Really? So crazy. That takes more time though. Sometimes a joke can take a decade. Really? But it's because I haven't emotionally processed the matter. If I'm emotionally too attached, I can't make fun of it. Or there's just like a setup that stays with you forever and you keep kind of going back. And then one day it just clicks for you. I don't know.

I feel like there's so many jokes that I will laugh at for years. Like this is so funny to me, but I just can't make it funny. Yeah. For an audience. Yeah. And maybe eventually, you know, that company, no bull. Yeah. Like to me, like, like the dumbest, like the idea, like it means no, it means no, no bullshit. It means shit. It's like, guess what? This is a curse. Is that Tom Brady's?

I hope not. I mean, it's company now. Didn't they rename it noble? But I agree. There's something wrong.

juvenile about it. Right. But I think it's like, it's so funny to me, but I feel like other people don't think that's funny. No bull. Like, can you, guess what? Guess what these shoes are? Yeah. These shoes, they're called no bull, but guess what, guess what that stands for? No bull and TB12 have merged to create one company. What's TB12 stand for? Total bull. Total bull 12. Guess what bull stands for? Bullshit. Bullshit.

Or you don't have those bars that say like, guess what? Guess what's in these bars, man? Yeah. You got like an egg. Yeah. You got some cinnamon. And guess what? There's no BS. What's BS stand for? I want to call my bag. Hi. What is, what's BS? What's BS? Um, it just, it's just a joke we have. What's the joke? What's the, I love your bars. What's the joke that means no BS is in them?

I want to tell my kids, what does that mean when it says there's no BS in your bars? Oh, ma'am, it just means there's no bull crap. That's BC. What's it mean? Just make the person say, it means...

Okay, I'm going to get fired now. It stands for shit. There's no bullshit. In our products. Why would you say that on a food? Why would you say there's no bullshit? It just makes me fucking, it drives me insane. I know. Hey, just say the word. Be an adult. What's there to be cool? What's the, what's the, can you go to noble.com? Whatever it's called.

Let's see. It's like wearing Tom's shoes. You know those Tom's shoes? Yeah. No, it's obviously nothing to do with you, but those shoes were like epically ugly. Like ugly in a way that is, I feel like, feel sick. All those have no bullshit. All those shoes. Like that, like, oh, you know what? We wouldn't have a shoe that has no branding. So we worked with some of the industry's top fitness experts and we come up with a shoe. You know what we decided to call it?

We didn't want to call it a cool name. We decided to call it what it is. There's no bull in this shoe. Can we please put together a gift bag of no bull stuff for Johnny? Can you get like a... Get his sizes and we'll send them all packaged. I'll send you a picture of me burning them. No! You should wear them out. People know you're no bullshit. Hey man, I tell you what. There's a lot of things I don't like.

It's I'm allergic to blueberries, okay? No thank you on those. I'm a rope dropper. And I'll tell you one thing I'm always doing when I'm at that rope drop. I've got my no bulls on because I don't like bullshit. We don't have a lot of rules in this restaurant. Well, we got 12.

Number one, no stupid questions. You ask one of our servers, who are very busy for a fact of a matter, a stupid question, they're going to reply to you with a sassy answer. If you can't handle that, then maybe you should go to a different restaurant. There you go. I love it, dude.

I like this noble approach. Yeah, there was dicks. Wasn't dicks? That was the whole premise of the restaurant was the waiters are rude to you. Oh, boy. But that's fun, though. Yeah. There's a restaurant in Atlanta that has, like, no rules except for these 12 rules. Really? Yeah. It may be attached to a comedy club. Oh, okay. That we all know. Oh! Shit.

Oh, look at the lady out there! She's like, "Oh, I do!" "I do!" I do know Park not here.

Dude, how did that even happen? She got so clocked. Yeah, she did. Wouldn't you just run away? I would run away. Run away. But she didn't do anything wrong, really. I know. I'd be so afraid that I'd be accused of doing something. I can't see that again. I know. Because she just goes to open the door and it shatters. Yeah, it just shatters. It doesn't... Oh! Something tells me that wasn't put together well. Oh, I think they hired the wrong guys. Yeah.

Why would it shatter? Because it's like those doors that have like the... What's that? Like a car door, you know, you hit it in that one spot. It's like that kind of glass, like probably tempered. Don't you miss backboards breaking? Remember those, what you would break all the time? Those were the best, man. I shattered so many backboards, man. Any highlight of a backboard breaking, I was like, this is the fucking coolest. I don't know what you're talking about. Like when people would dunk in the 70s, 80s, even into the 90s, they didn't have like...

Like now it's like this plexiglass, it can't work. But it used to just be a glass backboard. - I remember that, it was exciting. - And it would shatter, like it would just shatter and be like, oh my God. - How long will the game be locked down after that? - You know, I think they obviously probably got more proficient at it where they could probably turn around quick. But at first there had to be massive delays. And then you see it in sometimes in like high school games and you're like, I don't know if they're,

quip they probably just like the game's over yeah there's nothing they won they won those kids they won that kid's big brian brian oh he can get up that boy can get up there i'll tell you what yeah i mean i'm sure back growing up shack probably broke a thousand yeah yeah yeah we're gonna we're gonna build that guy we're gonna send you a bill that's the best when stuff is like well we're gonna send you a bill sir yeah a bill for your athletic ability yeah we're sending you a bill

This is already good. Yeah. I hate that it ends there because that noise is so great. Yeah. I liked watching her tits jiggle too. Big fat tits. Can you do slow-mo? Let's see. Because the sound, you hear it go like, oh, can you do a slow-mo sound? Oh, no, I don't have that. Can I hear it one more time? Yeah. Yeah.

I think I got a beat on that sound. Her kid's watching her, too. Glad you got that helmet on. Yeah. She totally resigned to the fall, too. She was just like, just take it. You could almost make that a beat. I'll leave with my face for this fall. Because she didn't even put her arms out. Yeah. Oh, dude. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We just need Sway the Remix God to make a whole video with this, you know? I'll drop some bars on that. Some thick bars. You got this. Oh! Oh, yes! He goes running. That's the best when the camera person's so invested, like, fuck.

Holy shit. What was that even though? What is that? Like a parkour test roof? Yeah. It can't take any weight, so it's definitely not meant for that. What is this, France? That's a good leap. Yeah, she did it. She made it. What's in there? Some gators? Holy shit. Some gators? That was great. That sucks. Good one, boys. I could watch the kids. You watch the kids getting hurt.

I don't know. Yeah, that was just terrible. That was pretty good. That was horrible. Jesus, I wish there was a big nasty bitch locked in my booth with me ripping big nasty farts out of her nasty asshole while I jack off. Oh, wow. Didn't see it going there at all. Is that J.K. Simmons?

Good night, Instagram. I really wish an alien would sneak in my room and tongue fuck my rectum and call me the N-word. Oh, very specific. Good night, little N-words. It almost seems like someone wrote these down. He's being paid to read them. Yeah, it does feel like it. It's like, here's $5. Will you read this in your voice? He seems a little emotionally divorced from the subject matter. It's not believable, as they say in the acting world, right? That's what you're selling. Yeah, I feel like he's reading. It's a cool kink, though.

What, wanting to be invaded? Yeah. I've never heard of that one before. Called racial slurs? I mean, I get it. Yeah, you want to be degraded and you want to be invaded. Invaded and degraded. I want to be invaded and degraded. There you go.

invade me degrade me ugh that's really cool i like the weird pillow he's got too what is that it's a cool guy pose this is the cool guy they always do this it's like shirtless there's a reflection of the phone in his glasses no headboard no headboard propped up light from one direction yeah

It's kind of, it does betray a certain honesty. Yeah, it does. It tells you that like, you're getting an unfiltered look. Yeah. Like if you were to recreate this, I think you'd have trouble being, like this is definitely take one. Yeah. It's got that take one feel. Hey, I'm a one take guy. It was probably his philosophy. It's the kind of guy you get. I only need one take. Yeah. Yeah. Because the second take, I get like tripped up in my words and I start to sound kind of artificial. And I like that. I like it to be real. Call me the N word. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Tom. Does he want, but who does he want to, do you say he wants- An alien? An alien. An alien to crawl into his ass. Tongue. Right? Tongue his ass. Tongue his rectum. Uh-huh.

Rectum, too. Which one? There's so many. Does he want a tall gray? Did you ever say rectum darn near killed him? You ever heard that? Yeah, rectum darn near killed him. Yeah. I'm going to ask you this. Okay, I'm thinking about this. Sure. What is your take on the phrase shits and giggles? I don't know if I understand it. I mean, I've heard that phrase for sure. Have you ever said it? Just for shits and giggles? Yeah.

I don't know that I've ever said that. So you wouldn't say it, right? No, I don't think it's in my vernacular at all. Okay. Same with you, Christine? No, I don't say that. You would not say that, right? No. I feel like to me that to say that is like extremely cringy. Like I would never say that. It's just for shits and giggles. It's no bull. Yeah. It's on par with no bull. Like my wife is a person, she's so far on the right spectrum. She would never, like in a million years, ever say that. But I heard someone say it recently and I was thinking like,

I feel like that's like a litmus test for what type of person you are. Totally. The expressions you use. Yeah, but will you say shits and giggles? No. If you say shits and giggles, that means like, oh, you're just like a sweeter person than most. You know what I mean? Oh, you're nicer. You're a nicer, you're less liable. Because what happens is you heard that and you go, that's a way to express myself. Yeah. And it's a summary of...

what you're doing there and then they go i'm gonna start using that and they probably that's the person who sends you um i don't know like you know people uh send you sketches that they find funny oh right what is this and they're like did you see this sketch like dar man says shits and giggles you think no because it's a curse though right for craps and giggles

Shits and giggles. Here's the etymology of it. I don't like it either. I don't want to know either. I'm so bored by that phrase. It's old.

Or even when people are like, why don't you tell me how you really feel? I feel like that's on par. Oh, it used to be for kicks. Kicks and giggles. Just for kicks. Just for kicks is so much cooler than shits and giggles. I like just for kicks. Shits and giggles is like, I'll tell you what I found on the interwebs today. You're going to find this pretty amazeballs. But on the interwebs, I found a guy who has a two-headed peen. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. How's that for shits and giggles? Just a...

What do you say for Shits and Giggles, I suck both tips? What do you say for Shits and Giggles, I suck both tips of your... It's pretty recent to the morph of it. It's got to be. So for kicks, took off in the 70s. Because that feels like something someone cool would say. And that Shits and Grins seems to follow in 80s and 90s. I never heard Shits and Grins. Shits and Giggles is just hell. It looks like Austin Powers made it more popular. That's what it says, yeah. See, that's all you got to know because...

Because Austin Powers is cringe. He's like the definition of it, right? People who just go, yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Oh, fuck. Yeah. That's what my coffee order is now. Yeah. What's your name? Horny, baby. Yeah. Then you get to go like, they get to shoot you. They get to kill you on spot. There are people who still do Austin Powers stuff. And that's a very cringe thing to do. Yeah. I feel like it's got to come back around. It's got to be, for me, it's, if someone laughed, you'd be like, you get it. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, do you remember, do you remember how, so this is like when something becomes there's, it's really funny, becomes accessible to more people. And then if everybody starts doing it, you're like, you can't, that happened with Borat. So like Borat came out and we were like, that's the funniest fucking premiere I've ever been to like in a theater. But then when everyone's like, yeah, my wife and like, you're like, yeah, you can't. What else is like that? There's something else I was thinking. Oh, you know what it is? Is the, um,

- Oh, the Budweiser frogs too. Remember that? - What's up? - The first time I went to Mardi Gras was right after that.

What was it called? Wazzup? That commercial? Yeah. Every frat boy in America was like wasted holding a hand grenade on the roof of a bus going, Wazzup? I heard it a thousand times in one day. Yeah. Oh my God. It's painful. It loses the luster for sure. That's bad. I feel like Cowbell for me. Oh, more Cowbell. That's what it needs is more Cowbell. I want to bring it back to where it's like this thing where

You know, that's what you got to do when you're traveling. Wear gloves and have a huge, oversized, more cowbell t-shirt. Ooh.

You're going to get that back. That's insanity. Yeah. Yeah. Like the guy who's like waiting for his, uh, his, uh, row to be called. Yeah. Right there. More cow. More cowbell. If you get heated when you have your more cowbell thing on, it'd be pretty good. A video of a guy screaming being dragged off an airplane. More cowbell. He's got the more cowbell t-shirt on. Yeah. And like a David S. Pumpkins hat. There's a couple. There's some like, uh,

have gone viral mugshots of people wearing funny shirts, which is pretty great. A more cowbell one would be perfect. Priceless. Yeah. That also, that left over, oh, that's funny to like, it's not good. It's cringy. Like, I think it'll be the ultimate picture of,

on a dating profile is just if you had all your photos with a more cowbell shirt on just to sort of because it would get the spicy margs crowd it would get them they'd be like this guy's a dork oh my god more cowbell this guy's a dork I like spicy margs

I don't know what you're thinking for Sunday, but I had some amazeballs spicy marks. I love... Call me crazy. Just for shits and giggles, I made them spicy. Just for shits and giggles, let's put an extra jalapeno on there. Fucking hell. Spicy marks is like a disease. I didn't even know that's a thing now. Oh, it is a thing. Spicy marks? I know from some single people that they say this is like an epidemic on dating things. Spicy marks? It's like women saying...

- Weekends, you know what weekends means? Spicy marks. - Yikes. - Like, oh God. That's your personality is spicy marks. Dang, you're alcoholic. - The weed is my personality is another one. - Yeah, but that's like a big one though. The weed is. - I know, but when it's like they're like, when someone's profile is just like, here's weed. Here's me smoking weed. Here's some weed I just got.

Look at this weed. And you're like, that's your identity? Right. Okay. That's all they have. It's just... I get it if you're fucking 16. But when you're an adult, you're like, that's what I'm into. Just weed. Maybe because if you smoke so much, your brain has been...

I mean, because weed is, if you smoke tons of weed, it's just as bad as being a drunk. Totally. There's people who have like addicted to it and they have to go to treatment. Yeah. And it's not like a, I remember some comedian being like, I know it sounds funny and everything, but I was like,

very addicted to weed in a way that was not funny. Like bad, like can't leave your house kind of thing. All you do is watch reality TV and you're just like in a fucking shell. - Well, I remember having friends who like would just went from like, hey, I smoke sometimes to 24/7. And what happened, what I noticed is that they just became like kind of numb to be around. You know what I mean? They were always like sedated. I guess that's how it affects, maybe some people are like, yeah, it doesn't affect me like that.

Yeah, if you can still have a life and smoke weed, that's cool. But if that's all you're doing, it's a problem. It seems kind of lame. I had a friend who used to smoke so much weed. This was like in high school. I remember one time we were in Blockbuster Video. This is how old this was. Hell yeah. And I was like, Steve, are you super high right now? And he goes, no, I'm not high.

Oh, right. Because he seemed weird. Like, he's acting weird. Like, oh, he's, this is the one time he's not hot. This is the, yeah. Yeah. Please go back to smoking. You're so weird right now. Yeah. So strange. Bizarro. We got this guy who had, like, a man-made paraglider, like, you know, with an engine on it. Yeah. And here, so here's his big one. He's going 48 miles an hour in this thing, right? Oh, shit. Ah.

That was fast. So then... He's okay? He's fine. So then we got this... I mean, no broken bones or anything? Then we got this. Hey, everybody. Anthony here. This is day number three in the hospital for me. There was a small tension knot that I hadn't seen in spite of me checking the glider. I hadn't seen it. It was there. I just didn't see it myself. But in the camera footage, if you look closely...

You will see it. 48 miles per hour! Shit! Fuck! Azziri, call 911! Call 911! Emergency! Oh my fucking god! Help me please, I crashed my flying machine!

Oh my god. Where are you at? Do you know where you're at? I'm at Enchanted Hills. I'm in the desert. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Who's filming this? I think that's his 360 camera that was mounted. Okay. You're ready. Call the ambulance. Yes. I need to call my wife.

Where's your wife at? In the house. Okay, let me get your... This is the best movie I've ever seen. I'm in the desert. Crossroads? Just Jeep. Truck is fucking fog. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Ah.

This guy's like, I don't know what to do. I don't, but the guy sees the ambulance. He said, you see an ambulance? Yeah, my friends already went to... Okay. So they, the ambulance, I'm over here. I crashed my paramotor. I crashed the paraglider. He's starting to come back online a bit. Yeah. It's so painful.

- What's a paramotor, sir? Is that something you fly? - Yes, it's a powered paraglider. It's like a backpack flying machine. - It's for rope travel. - I don't know my phone, too. - And the guys came. - Wow. - It's gotta be the longest minutes waiting for the fucking ambulance. This is amazing footage. - Yeah. - Probably wherever the deformity is. - You couldn't frame that shot better. - No, how did you-- - On the phone?

You know what? This made me have to pee so fucking bad. Yeah, go. He broke his back, pelvis, neck, and severely crushed my arm. Oh, my God. I'm going to take a piss, too. Okay. Goddamn, dude. Poor guy. We're back. How was pee, everybody? It was so good. How was your pee? It was great. Good. I have to pee so much. Yeah, me too. So do I. Especially when I'm traveling. It's like my body's like, I don't know.

Yeah, I get that way too. And then I actually dehydrate myself because I don't want to pee as much when I'm traveling. And then I can't make caca because then it dries all my poop. Oh, yeah.

That's not fair. That's a thing that people have to deal with is travel constipation. I do. And I do. How's your diet these days? How's my diet? Yeah. I mean, like, what is it? How is it? I mean, what do you eat? Yeah, like, what's your, you know, what are you eating? I mean, same. I'm always having yogurt in the morning. Yeah. Always, if I can. Fucking yogurt guy. What kind of yogurt do you have? I have a few different ones. So I have this, this,

What is this brand? I think it's like Norwegian or something. You don't know? No, I don't know. He doesn't know because I buy it. It's Skir. Skir? Oh, that's Icelandic. Icelandic. And then there's another one that we get that's a vanilla-based...

Vanilla based. Vanilla flavored. It's got sugar? It's a zero. No, it's a zero one. Oh, you know what you should switch to is sheep's milk. Sheep's milk? Yeah, that's the ultimate shit. Sheep's milk yogurt is the ultimate. Ultimate. How is it the ultimate? Because it's the best milk. Sheep's milk is the ultimate milk. Has the most vitamins. Tastes the best. What are you doing here? Why are you not getting me sheep's milk? And their fur is so soft. Yeah, you can make products with the yogurt too. How much yogurt do you have? Just one thing in the morning?

- Yeah, usually that or I'll have a smoothie. - Are you actually allergic to blueberries? - No. - Okay, you just threw that away. - I think nobody is. - Okay, I love blueberries. - Is that right? - I love blueberries so much. I've eaten them. I've taken like some huge-- - Blue shits? - Voluminous green. It turns kind of green actually. - That's kind of nice. - Yeah, I took one at National Park once. I ate like half a block of Manchego. I ate like a whole bowl of blueberries. - Best. - It was one of the greatest shits I've ever taken in my life. - That's awesome. - It was like a specimen. - That's awesome. - Like an alien.

So colorful. Are you ready, Christine? I'm ready. I heard you bitches looking for me. I can't wait. Bitch, here I go. All right, Johnny. There's so many new lanes. It's time to dive deep into the mind of a psychopath. Christina has pulled some of her favorite TikToks. Russian guy feeding a bear. Standard Russian shit.

He's not full yet. He's saying, "Yo."

That's so not enough food for a bear, right? That spoon isn't big enough for a bear. No, just put the fucking face in the bowl. How much does a bear eat? To be fair, is it like a sheep a day? It's gotta be just non-stop. Non-stop, right? Because they're omnivores, though. They don't eat meat, mainly. Oh, yeah.

- That's a snack. - They love blueberries. - They love pine nuts too. - Grizzlies will scavenge meat when available from elk and bison carcasses. Grizzly bears spend most of their time feeding, eating up to 30 pounds of food per day. - That's like a job. That's a fucking job. - All day. - What do you do? - I just eat all day.

- All I do is eat. This guy feeds me. - I like when you watch them get salmon. - That's a toddler. - Catch them, eat them right there in the rivers. That's awesome. - So fresh. - They're so dopey and silly looking. You don't realize that they can just absolutely. They have small eyes too. - And I like when they eat salmon alive. So you see salmon and they're just like peeling its skin off and they're like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. - That's cool.

That was a rock climb. I was fully panicking. Oh my god. Oh, I got that. The best thing you see people wearing like the hip clothes. Yeah. Like the weird sports brand. Is it got sandals on? Yeah. So scary. This is a rock climbing montage. It's terrible. God damn it. Fuck it's so hard. Fuck it right in its butthole. You know what's less scary? Real rock climbing. Yeah.

This is terrible. Are you afraid of heights at all? No, I'm just afraid of like when it's like the thing that... I used to rock climb forever as a kid. You did? Yeah, all the time. I was really into it as a young person. Why did that change? Just because it's like...

Takes a lot of time. Yeah. I still like it though. You know, I used to love- Do you have really strong fingers and everything? Like I've seen some of those people like pull themselves up by their fingers. I can do a fingertip pull up. That's pretty crazy. But that's just from doing pull ups, I think. Really? Yeah. Because they have like special drills. I've seen them with like these little finger holes. It's called a finger board, right? Yeah. Yeah. And they pull them and you're like, holy shit. Or the forearm strength. It's really impressive. It's crazy.

But this sort of thing, this is not... This isn't real rock climbing. This is those installations they have. So it's like you can experience the thing. And some of these are actually incredibly dangerous because the way they have them set up. So you clip into a static line and there's all these...

all these um you know equations and stuff with how ropes work where the way this stuff works if you fall maybe five feet you can die because of the there's no give in the rope kind of thing it's this crazy bullshit no thanks it's just so dangerous yeah looks like it oh this is the entrance to a beehive

Inside? Watch this. It's actually kind of cool. I thought we should do this for the kids. Oh, Jesus. What do you say, Tom? That's kind of cool. That's super cool. But imagine that shit breaks. Yeah, that would suck. Your kid throws a rock in it. It's done. In our house, that would definitely be broken. And there would be bees all over the house. All over the house.

And they'd be like, I accidentally threw the remote and it broke it. Dad! I threw my remote! It's not that bad, right? It's just bees. It's just bees in the house. Yeah, thanks, dude. Yeah, but then every time you walk out your front door or whatever, there's just swarms of bees. Like, it's a whole thing. But they're busy. There's a mirror, a big mirror that's hanging off the wall right now. Big one. And I walked back and I was like, what happened here? And he's like, okay.

I was rolling the ottoman. He doesn't know the word, but he's like, I was rolling this thing and then it hit the side and then it fell. So that's what happened. I'm like, cool. Thanks, man. And not only that, it was a heavy mirror. It's a big, heavy mirror. Oh, so he could have been like into the wall. His arm could have been sliced off. But not only that, it took plaster off the wall as it fell because it was hinged in. And then the mirror, the edge of it collapsed, fell off.

And they're like, he's like, but now it's all good. Cause I didn't do it again. I'm like, yeah, no, it's broken now. So that's fine. How long after it happened? Did you discover the later the day, like a few hours later. So they have this mirror just teetering there ready to be a guillotine. That was pretty cool. That's every day. I don't know how people have kids. Then don't just, how do you not constantly worry that they're just going to get sliced?

- But how do you go about your day? - So you hope to scare them out of the vital stuff. Like, hey, don't put forks in the electric sockets. Don't play with the toaster. Fire bad. The oven don't touch. So you get the basics. - Knives, not for you. - Not the knives. - But they're your kids. They're gonna be creative. - Yeah, so they are. - They're gonna do something that like, oh, I would never think you could do that kind of thing.

Oh my God, I almost caught our little guy. They've got those little Razor scooters and he was in the house with it. And I saw him wanting to go down the staircase and I was like, don't fucking do it. I see where your brain is going. Don't do it. He's like, what? I'm like, I know what you're thinking. You can't do that. This is not a cartoon, dummy. Get a big piece of cardboard or take the wheels off of a skateboard and do what I used to do. Dummy. Dummy.

Yeah, it is. If you leave them unattended, like they climb the garage. Oh, sorry. We have a, what's that shit called? Maybe the garage open door driveway. Oh, the gate? The gate. We have a gate that opens to our driveway. And like I walk away for two seconds. I come back. They've climbed the gate. I used to climb everything. I would climb up the chimney on our house. I put a fucking rope around the chimney and rappelled from that.

It's like, what if that thing had a crack in it and the whole thing just comes off? Or climb this retaining wall we have behind our house and this massive hill. This thing was made forever ago. Yeah. All this stuff where- All boys are basically on inadvertent suicide watch for about 17 years. I don't know how I survived. I mean, the stuff we used to do, I went down like the steepest hill in our town on a skateboard and fell on my face. Yeah.

Like I used to like start fires. Everything was fires. Yeah. Used to make little pipe bombs and stuff. Yeah. With PVC pipe. Yeah. Why? You know, because it's cool to blow up a hole. Yeah. We used to throw spray paint cans into fires that we made. Oh, yeah. That's fun. You see the mist go up. Yeah. The mist. Yeah. Yeah. The mist. Yeah. It's fun. I just have in college where I'm like, why would I ever do that? That's boy shit though. That's testosterone. It's insane. It's just like.

Should have been arrested and dead multiple times. Every kid, every boy. Potato guns. Oh, you should start crawling three times per week so your posture improves, guys. Your arms are more muscular and your upper back pain is gone. So this is if you start. There's a whole movement of TikTokers. Do you have to look at people like that? Is the stare necessary? You got to have that vest on, that cool vest. It's a working dog's vest, right? Watch what I'm going to do on this grass. Mm-hmm.

You have to start crawling, Tom. Yeah. Have you heard of the guys who do the thing where it's not crawling? You're on your hands and your feet, not your knees down? Yes, yes. I do those inchworms that work out where you like... It's like a workout some guy taught me to do where you... You know, some guy. Some random guy. Some random guy taught me to do this exercise where you bend over...

You walk your hands out, do a push-up, then you walk your feet up with your hands still down. Yeah. So you're like a little inchworm. But it's like a great exercise. You do like 10 of them and you're winded. Yeah. Nice. But it's a good exercise, but I mean. Hotel room, you could do it too. Yeah. Or like just in a park like that. Sure. Well, there are people that train like dogs on their all fours. Really? And then they can jump or horses rather. And they can run like that? They jump and they run. It's very cool. It's a whole thing, yeah. And this guy's different.

Okay, so first place I went to is Cafe Daisy. I got this watermelon lemonade. You're killing me right now. Look at how gorgeous. It was so good. Way better than I expected. Look at that. And I got the Daisy Dog. I'd have to rate this a 7 out of 10. It was nothing special, but it was good. It also came with some chips, which were okay. Oh my gosh. The best part was I got the cheesy pizza flop over. When they say cheesy, it was so cheesy. My cousin gave me a taste of his orange drink.

How is this a six? She's still thirsty. How about water? Sounds sweet. That's a bad beignet I can tell from here. What about in the afternoon? What did you have then?

Fucking A. This is a joke. No way. Stop it. That's baby food. Dinner at 11, we went across the park. They hate our freedom. They hate our freedom. Chicken strips.

fries had ranch and barbecues was so amazing literally so amazing so amazing okay i also had to try the funnel cake i would give this a six out of ten i've definitely had better funnel cakes but it was definitely worth the trust lastly i went to the cheeky juice bar and i had the strawberry dole whip thanks for coming along y'all bye that was so much fun it's all daytime still yeah the entire time is daytime yeah

Oh, the rope that got dropped after that. Oh, my God. Big old sloppy rope. It's a fucking rope. It's a fucking breaker, a toilet breaker. If she had done a shit report after this, I would really respect it, though. Me too. If she was like, here's my first dump after the funnel cake. My Disney dump. It funneled out, too. That must have been like 8,000 calories. That's a lot. And by the way, I don't agree that the Disney gumbo was better than the beignets or the funnel cake. I think the gumbo looked like the worst. Yeah.

She gave that a 10 out of 10? That beignet was... It looked good. That was a bad beignet. I've eaten a lot of beignets. Yeah? You think that wasn't a good one? Oh, I can tell. Yeah. I used to eat those. I gained a lot of weight on beignets. Really? Oh, for real. On the road? Like working or... No, because we shot 21 Jump Street down there. This was years ago. Yeah. And I had like, you know, I'd have like five days off. Yeah. And I would go to a comedy show, have...

four or five IPAs. Yeah. Then I would go to Cafe du Monde at one o'clock in the morning and have a bunch of beignets and coffee and go to Sleigh's Pepper. And I gained about 15 pounds. You go back for your next shoot date, they're like, hey, you look different. Oh, my pants were tight. Really? They were literally tight. Yeah. That's awesome. Oh, but it was the best. A great hot beignet. Hot beignet. So good. That and having cake every lunch. Oh, yeah. On that shoot? Oh, yeah.

Like good cake after having the greatest oyster po-boy. Oyster po-boy. It's hard to say that. Oyster po-boy. Oyster po-boy. Oyster po-boy. Oh, this is a meme. So apparently Cinderella's, there's a new Cinderella castle that opened after COVID and people were doing videos. In parentheses, emotional. Videos.

Videos of themselves seeing it for the first time. So there's several adults that were doing this. Is this land or world? World, I believe. It looks like world. It looks a little bigger. Yeah, this is world. And...

And also you can pay to stay in the castle overnight, but you have to be very, very VIP. Why are you that emotional? Babe, it's the castle for the first time. This is a joke, right? The first time I saw the castle. Yes, it is. It's a meme, right? No, no, no. So there are people who make fun of it, but then these are the genuine ones. These are genuine people who did it first and then memes were making fun of it. This is going to get me back to Disney to make one of these. Yeah. I'm going to make one that's like fucking, you're going to have to call the Disney cops. It's like, sir, are you okay? It's like,

You know, just crying on the ground. It's my first time. Oh, my God. The beauty. I grew up loving the castle. And now I get to see it in person. Do you want to stay in the castle? That's so insane. And then there's like a hotel. I don't know if I put it in there. Is this it? I don't know. So this is it. Look down. Look down. Don't look up yet. Don't look up yet. Wait. I'll tell you when. Oh, my God.

Everyone collapses. First time since COVID. Seeing the Disney castle for the first time since COVID. She died of a heart attack.

on Main Street, USA, and was run over by a horse. The horse shit on her, and she lived after the shit. Oh, fuck. That right there is the jungle, and this right here is my house. I moved to South America when I was 21 years old. This is called a tropical savanna. This is a beautiful place to live if you want to be close to nature, but also not spend too much money. Now let's take a tour of my unfinished house.

4,000? Oh yeah. As you can see, my view is beautiful. Right outside my window, we have the jungle right there and the parrots and toucans usually fly around here. The parrots will land in the tree, the toucans like to fly back there near those palm trees, and the monkeys like to hang out right in the jungle. Is this a personal video for a family member?

Because it seems like he's telling someone specifically. No, he's telling you how to get out of the capitalist trap that is the U.S. and you can go live, was it Costa Rica? I forget where he is. He said South America. South America for $4,000. On that branch right there. You can see that branch with no leaves. That's where the monkeys are usually at. Anytime you say, as you can see, you know something's up. This house only cost around $4,000 so far. I still got to finish the bathroom. You got to finish the lap, pal. I got to finish the floor. As you can see, this is my blanket for the floor. And then I have to install the water.

Just look how beautiful it is here. Perfect. The ground is nice and fertile for planting stuff. You know his parents were like, "Fucking Steve left when he was 21."

I don't know. He's somewhere down there. He's living in the jungle. I mean, I'm just mad about the toilet. There's no plumbing. There's no plumbing? He's going to install water. He said he's doing that. He's going to shit around this tree. You know that easy thing that people do where they go, I'm just installing water in the house. I'm going to make my own plumbing. Yeah. He's going to make plumbing. I watched a video. It's fine. I know how to do it. Jesus, dude. I always feel like that's the career that...

I should have done. Plumbing? Plumbing. Because if you want to make money. I know. Fucking just be at all good at plumbing. Yeah. I know. And imagine if you were like, I thought I have a funny name for my company. You're a fucking millionaire. I know. You're a millionaire. Yeah. Just if you were like, have just a touch of savvy. Plums away or. Plums away. Or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Fucking minted. I know, dude. Flush again. Flush again. Flush again. Here today, flush tomorrow. Whatever. I have a message for you.

Oh no. I love you. Oh.

I love you. I don't like that. I love you. Okay, so this is a lane that I've been finding where just dudes are telling you they love you. It's like a self-help community thing. It's just like, hey, if you're feeling scared right now, don't feel scared because I love you. And everything's okay. There's the guy who's like, if you go to Verizon and you're uncomfortable, watch this video. Everything's going to be all right. Well, he's got that weird posture too. It's the thing where like the...

It's like the head forward, arms down. Hi. I love you. Just so you know, I would never hurt you. Just so you know, if you think I'm going to strike you, I would not. I would warn you. I would warn you if I did a strike. I know you've experienced a lot of trauma in your life, but it's not going to be from me. I'm a good guy. Excuse me. Hi. I would never hurt you. Excuse me. Pardon me.

I couldn't help but over notice that you are needing of love and the feeling that you get when you see someone approach you with a raised fist, it will not be of you. Part of me in this pocket tee, I have

Something that you won't be good for you. It is nothing. That feeling that you felt when you first saw the castle at Disney World? Yeah. That's what I want to bring to you every day because I love you. And they all have beads. I'm going on Naked and Afraid next week.

Can we see it again and beads around the wrist beads around the neck you have to have beads to do this message for you Oh, so creepy. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you Got it is his IG full of this. Is it just this it says not sure because His name up there on the street just took me down a rabbit hole of dudes that just tell you they love you Yeah, it's like just you know, I love you. I love you. You know

I'm uncomfortable. So the ones that are like, hi, I'm your Australian dad. Yeah, I'll listen to you. How was your day? Oh, how was your day? I'll listen to you. I'm your Cockney fucking daddy. Are you in the back of an Uber and you're not feeling comfortable? Watch this video. Hey, everything's going to be okay, okay? Hey, babe. Are you in the back of an Uber? I'm petting your arm right now. Everything's fine. Hi, I'm actually worse. The video should be as...

Hi, you feeling uncomfortable? Well, just be glad you're not with me. So I'm going to show you a sword. This guy has a... You can tell there's a whole lifestyle just from this video. He's a self-help guy. He's just kind of like late to the cult. Do you have it? It doesn't look like he has too much more on his Instagram. I'm trying to see if he posts these to another platform. Oh. What does he have? Patreon. You can pay to get loved.

Is this guy Aussie? No. I don't know. Just like generic expat. I think you're thinking the style of the shirt. It's very expat. Yeah, he's like, I moved to Bali and I love it here. It's just wonderful. Guiding you, what does it say? Guiding you into your highest timeline. Oh, of course. He's a business wizard. Business wizard and mystic. I am love, play, joy. That's the best thing to me when you combine the things. You combine like,

Oh, I'm super high-minded. I love a spiritual God. Also, how do you succeed at business? Oh, you can book an activation session with a wizard. Sign up to become an enlightened leader. What's his one video of? It says he has one post. There's a woman...

I like her cat ears. She have a piercing? The top is weird too. She's got a lot of piercings. You are love. She can tell that she used to do meth.

You know what I mean? Yes. A lot of people are like ex-meth and this is what they have to do to not do meth. So true. They have to live in the jungle and say I love you a thousand times a day. Otherwise, I'm going to hit that meth. The demons go right back. Yeah. If I smell meth, I have to.

- I have to do it. - You have to. - If I smell bananas, I have to do meth. - It's always great to have you here. - Yeah, it's great to be here. - Thank you for coming. - It's so fun, Johnny. - Don't forget to go to johnnypemberton.dog for tickets to see him either July 21st in New York City, August 28th in San Francisco, or August 29th in Sacramento. Don't forget to watch "Fallout" on Prime Video. And that's it, man. - That was a blast. - Thank you. - That was a blast, bro. - We love you. - Thank you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Daddy's gonna kill mommy in front of you. Daddy, daddy, daddy's gonna slice her tits out. Mommy, mommy, mommy will cry. Mommy will be more fun. More than daddy. Daddy, daddy, daddy doesn't know your middle name. Mommy,

Mommy

♪ Mommy, daddy doesn't know your middle name ♪ ♪ Mommy, mommy, mommy loves you more than daddy ♪