Matt Rife's Fans Send Him CRAZY Sh*t | Your Mom's House Ep. 774
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- Austin, Texas. I will be performing at the Moody Center on Saturday, February 22nd. Tickets are on presale today at 10:00 a.m. local time with the code word TOMMY, T-O-M-M-Y. Visit tomscrow.com/tour for all dates and information. Thank you, I will see you guys at the Moody Center. - Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. - Church's original recipe is back. - You can never go wrong with original.

Still tastes the same like back in the day. Right now, get two pieces of chicken starting at only $2.99 or 10 pieces starting at only $10.99. Churches. Offer valid at participating locations. And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm very excited to be here today to do the show. Sitting in, as always, is my lovely co-host, Christina. You look great. I love the glasses. I love the outfit. That is interesting.

I hope you contribute the whole show this way. Great to see you. And joining us, we're very happy to have on this show for the first time, the great Matt Reif, everybody. His new special, Lucid, a crowd work special, is streaming on Netflix. You can, of course, get tickets to see him on tour at mattreifofficial.com. Matt, thanks for coming. Dude, thanks for having me. Good to see both of you. Thanks, man. We're happy you're here. A crowd work special is exciting, right?

yeah yeah it's it's super exciting that's awesome dude it's awesome it's a lot of fun we did it in uh charlotte north carolina the comedy zone there did you pitch them on that like because it's it's a it's not the standard right thing um yeah yeah we pitched them on the idea of it because my last special came out in november and obviously i'm taking my time to rebuild the next hour yeah yeah touring with and everything so i was like

crowd work something i can do anytime anywhere yeah you're so good at crowd work oh thank you dude yeah um i was like why not just put something out in the meantime like why wait another year until i feel like my specials ready material wise when i can just put out something to the fans right now what goes like what goes into because obviously when you do a normal special you're like i build my hour i tour with it and you go it's ready yeah you shoot it but like when you're gonna do you know you're gonna do a crowd do you still like show up

that night just with like well whatever happened like or do you have any type of preparation that goes into it yeah so the stipulation was they're like we we love it obviously this is very niche to you yeah um but they were like and i and i completely agree they were like we just don't want like a highlight clip you know what i mean like we don't want just random chaos for an hour of just talking about anything and everything they're like there has to be a theme to the show so did a little bit of thinking for a couple of months i played with a

And then dreams just kind of came about. I was like, what's something everybody can contribute to? Like everybody has some kind of aspiration, right? Whether they're living it or not. So I played with that a little bit on tour. I would just toss it out there occasionally with some material I had about dreams in my set because I have terrible sleep problems. So I talk about that a lot in my show. And then when I pitched them on the idea of dreams, they locked then I was like, okay,

You're right. How do you rehearse something that is spontaneous? So basically what I did is I went to, since I knew we were going to shoot in a comedy club because it was conducive for everybody being able to hear everybody. I had four weekends. And by weekends, I mean Monday, Tuesdays that I had off from my theater shows. And I would go and I would just do a complete crowd work show talking about dreams. Just so I could like,

Get that muscle kind of going. I could hear the kinds of things that I would want to hear. I didn't know if it was going to be all musicians or all sports players. I didn't know people were going to be vague about it. And the more I did it, the more I realized like, oh, it's still going to be incredibly random. Everybody has weird dreams you wouldn't expect. And then kind of shifting off of that...

I didn't want the entire thing to just be aspirational because you also have like sleep dreams. Yeah. We talk a lot about that as well because those are always fucking weird. So you talk about dreams in the sense of like, hey, like when somebody says my dream is to be a baseball player and then also the dreams that occur in your sleep. Yeah, like your teeth falling out and shit. So both style of dreams. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to open it up a little bit and just not stay on one theme for the entire show. Mix it up just a tad. It was fucking fun, dude. Yeah, dude. I had wild dreams last week. I remember that. What about? Yeah.

Dude, one was that my trainer was like, I got to jerk you off. And I was like, what? And he was insisting. I haven't told him yet. Is that a text or are you going to tell him in person? I'm going to tell him in person. While he's stretching you out? I want to see his face. And he's like, it's going to help. And I was like, and I gave in. I let him. Okay, it ended well at least. How often do you work out now?

Almost every day, like five or six days a week. Go for you. Yeah. Like how far are you down? Like since you started the journey? I don't know. So in the last six weeks I've, cause I've, I got into, I got with this nutritionist who was like,

your scale numbers are just nonsense. It's about body fat. So I'm down 7% body fat in six weeks. What is your body fat percentage? Right now? It's 18. That's not bad. It's not horrible. How old are you, 40? 45. Jesus Christ. Okay. It's really good then. No, it's okay. I mean, I think it would be great if it was like, right now I'm trying to get to 15 and

I think you just evaluate everywhere you're at. I think if I got to 15, I'd lose all my fans. They would hate you so much. Yeah, I think so. What are you at? You have to be like, what, 10? I think I'm like 9. That's pretty low. Yeah, I know. No, I would be catatonic if I got to 9. What's Burt, you think?

Burt, probably like 45, something like that. That's not great. That's not great. No, he's probably... He's gone... He has wild ranges too. I have too. But I think he's like... He probably has a decent amount of lean mass. I think his visceral fat that's kind of morphing its way into his organs. I would say he's probably...

In the mid- Oh, you can Google this? I don't know if he has a 40%. I don't think he's, he's not 40. I mean, look at the picture scale though. He looks like the worst picture, but I think that, I think he's probably closer to 30. I think he's close to 30. I don't think so. I don't think he has those hips. No? No, it evens out.

He does look like the far right, whatever that is. But he also, he doesn't, he looks like it when he, at his profile. At his profile, he looks like a trans man having triplets. But straight on, you know, he's got good shoulders and stuff.

He's been, he's been to compliment shoulders alone is not a, it's his favorite thing to talk about. It's his only thing he talks about is his shoulder. He's like, I have great shoulder. I don't know, dude. Okay. He's a crazy person. Um, yeah, I don't know, but yeah, no, I, I mean, I think the fun, here's what I've learned about myself. I have to keep, uh, announcing new goals. Okay. So like a year plus ago, I was probably at,

18 or something. And it's a slow, once I get there for everyone's like, you look great.

And then I'm like, oh, yeah, everything's good. Then I start to slide it in. That happens to everybody, though. But for me, I realize that my goal is 15. And then if I get to 15, I have to establish, whether it's saying, OK, it's now 12. Whatever it is, I can't just go like, I'm good now. Even if it's no longer the percentage, if I go, well, the next goal is a half marathon, I have to shift to something else. Otherwise, I just...

fall apart. Okay. And what helps you the most? Are you big on cardio or is it mainly diet for you? Well, the shift has been the combination. Like I was working out the, the past few months too, but I wasn't focused on diet. So what I did was I, I got this nutritionist that gave me like a structured, I like structure. I like, this is breakfast. This is your snack. This is lunch. This is dinner. So I follow what he says to a T and,

And then all we did was we dialed up workouts a little bit. My cardio sessions went from 45 to 60. So 60 minutes on like a Peloton bike or like rucking or whatever. And then my weightlifting sessions, pretty much the same, went from like 45 to 60. So that's not a dramatic increase. No, but an extra 15 minutes. But it's a little bit more. Dude, these fucking endurance Peloton rides. Oh, I'm sure. Are fucking brutal.

brutal and I can't get myself to do it I can't get myself to ride a bike dude those are like I mean they're very engaging and the teachers like the instructors that are on there are the guys too and they're it is incredible workout

And then, dude, here's the thing that I didn't expect is that doing this clean eating, like, and I don't feel, I'm like, I'm not suffering. It's not like, how am I going to get through this? It's very, like, it's easy to follow. Okay. It has completely changed my digestion. Really? I was about to go to a gastroenterologist. I'm not kidding. Like, a month ago. That bad? Yeah. I was like, how come I always have explosive, like, shits I need to go to the doctor? And...

I started following this guy's meal. I go, dude, if I don't lose a pound, I'll already thank you for changing my digestion. Like, it's completely fixed. It was that bad? Yeah. I'm not a big shitter, dude. I'm really not. Here's the thing that I realized. It's like, all of us, people have different sensitivities. Like, you know how some people are like, they just dump crazy hot sauce and eat, and they're like, it's not even hot. And then you have a bite, you're like, Jesus Christ. Like, our palates are different, our digestion is different. I...

If I have anything like greasy, fatty, it's like, it's game over for me. No burgers. I mean, no, I don't really eat a lot of burgers. No, it's like I have, I need to have like lean meats and I need to have, I don't have dairy. I just have like, no dairy, no burgers, but I still eat a ton of protein. Like I'm having 16 to 20 ounces of lean meat at dinner. So like, I'll have like,

three pieces of salmon or sea bass. Jesus. Sometimes like

sirloin, but a lot of seafood. And now do you cook it yourself or do you have like somebody to help organize? Yeah. I'm sorry. I forgot how well this podcast does. Sorry. So, um, no, but I mean, I'll, I'll make some stuff. Um, what? I make eggs in the morning. Um, but yeah, I, I dude, I just eat that. Here's the thing. I feel satiated. I never feel bloated anymore. I never feel like, like I'm sick and I don't feel like, oh my God, are my intestines melting? Like, do I have,

Is my stomach falling apart? All that is just from eating clean. What about when you're on tour, though? It's a bigger challenge. Oh, absolutely. Because you can get a little bit of catering before and you can eat something after. But by the time your show's over, nothing but fast food's open anyways. Here's the thing. It's a lot of planning. It's sharing what I need with everybody so that I'm not in a jam where it's like, oh, what do they have? Oh, that's smart. We're landing in cities and it's like, hey, have we found the place we're going to...

That makes a lot of sense. My writer's like Uncrustables and like Fruit Plate. Yeah. Yeah, but at 45, it'll be different. But that's so far away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. I think that's 17 years away. Okay, just relax. Damn.

Yeah, mine is even healthier now. Like whatever was on. I realized some of the times you show up to a green room and it's your rider and you're like, what is this shit? And they're like, it's your rider. Oh, yeah. And you're not touching any of it. Most of my rider was like, I was getting stuff like for my girlfriend whenever she would come on tour and stuff. None of it was for me. My boys want something. Yeah, I've got the Uncrustables, like the only thing I touch on my entire rider. That's a Burt.

Like staple. Is it really? Yeah. You know, they have protein ones now. Really? Yeah. Tell them that. Are you able to look that up? There's like a protein Uncrustable. There's like peanut butter and honey ones. It's really fucking good. I don't think it's either of those, actually. But I'm happy to know there's more options. What's his big...

His big revelation was like, you can toast them or microwave them. Wait, can you really? Yeah, he's like, that's the move. And then he's like, you got to, it's like you put them in the microwave for like, he said something like seven seconds, right? And then he's like, it will burn your mouth. So you got to like, you pierce it so that the steam leaves. There's barbecue chicken bites. This is a fucking game changer. Yeah, dude. I had no idea. You know, I still don't eat the crust on them.

Really? Yeah. Cause it's still crust. It's still crust. It's still just bread. If you have a sandwich, you cut crust off. I don't cut it off. I'm not that organized, but I'll pull the top off and then eat the bullshit. I mean, a PB and J is the shit. It's so fucking good. And it's apparently supposed to be, I mean, relatively healthy for if you need a snack and just eat for the fuck. I just do this. I do the split packs where it's like it's peanut butter and jelly.

in a packet and I fold it together, tear the top off. - I don't think I've seen it. - And so there's no bread and I pop it in and that's a pre-workout in the morning. - I put honey packets on mine. - So you get like a little glucose spike. The perfect summer playlist may be elusive, but one thing is for sure, it gets better when it's enjoyed with a cold Coors Light.

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Do you know the honey packets? No. The, uh... It's like Viagra. Really? You haven't seen these? Wait, these make your dick hard? Oh, please look this up. Honey packet... I'm sorry, I'm giving your guys directions. No, do it. Yeah, there's like honey packet dick pills now. Yeah, you've never seen these? No. Oh, yeah, man. 45, you should probably have this on your radar. Yeah, I think you're right. Wait, what, this is a real thing? Yeah, they taste delicious. And they work? I think so. Yeah.

Theoretically. Theoretically? Yeah, man. Guys. And it doesn't look as suspicious. Put it on the shopping list. You got it. It's on the rider.

It's not as suspicious either. Yeah. I did a commercial for... I shouldn't say commercial. It was a video on my phone for Blue Chew. Yeah, yeah. Beginning of last year. Yeah. They ran the shit out of it. And everybody online was like, you sold out. You're doing a commercial for Viagra. I'm like, it took me 90 seconds to film and it bought my mom a car. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, man. No shame. But this is far, far more discreet. You're not popping a pill.

You can put it in a fucking smoothie if you want to. Wait, is it actual honey? I don't understand. Yeah. Oh. So you actually put the honey in something. If you want to. You put it in a spoon. You can just slurp the packet if you want to. Okay. That's what the peanut butter and jelly thing are. How do we do it? How do we do it?

Many people have praised Royal Honey for its potential effects on sexual wellness, citing improvements in overall sexual performance, increased libido, and stamina. That's fucking affecting your stamina? My boy boxes on it. Really? Yeah, yeah. Whenever he goes to the spa. I didn't know that a huge percentage of NFL players pop a little bit of like,

Cialis Viagra before. Really? So it's a more common thing. Yes, but it's not fuck doses. It's kind of fucking dead. It's like a micro dose because it's essentially because it increases blood flow. Okay. So people even do this pre-workout. But it's not like, hey, give me whatever, 50 milligrams. Ray Lewis was taking a handful. It's supposed to be a smaller dose.

dose just for blood flow. Interesting. And I guess it wouldn't go against any like drug testing, right? It's just, I don't think so. It's opening up your blood pressure medicine, right? Technically, I guess. I'm not sure. Have you not, have you not, have you not used Viagra before? Yeah. Okay. That's good. Just making sure. Have you tried it?

Yeah, of course. It's the greatest. Oh, of course. And the funny thing is you go, yeah, I don't need this. Right? Because you're like, I don't need this. You don't need it. No, but sometimes if you have something to prove. The first time my friends were talking about it, I was like, you haven't tried one? I was like, why? I don't need it. I assume that's for somebody who's like literally can't achieve an erection. Yeah, think of it like. That was my perception. And then they go, just try one.

And then I took one and I was like, oh, it's a high school boner. Yeah. It's like pointing at the sky and you're like, oh. Think of it like owning a gun. You know what I mean? Like you don't need it. Right. But it's fucking awesome to have. It's cool to shoot it. It's awesome to shoot it, dude. What do they say? Okay.

In this episode of This is the Shannon Sharp and Ocho Cinco, one of those questions was coming, really took Viagra for games. According to Ocho Cinco, you only need half a pill to be a beast on the field like he was. Listen to me. It's an enhancement with the increasing blood flow to improve performance horizontally depending on how you do it.

I don't know what you do at home, but to improve, yeah, they work too. Stay with me now. If you take half a pill before a game with a little bit of Red Bull, it increases the blood flow, which enhances performance. I mean, what he's saying is essentially what we were just talking about. Like, that is why people take it pregame. It's a blood flow issue. Yeah, but, like, what if it's not gone by the time the game's over? Oh, it's not gone.

Yeah, but you have... It was just bricked up in the shower? Well, that'd be awesome if they were. But, you know, the way that's supposed to work is that you still need...

To be stimulated. So unless you go looking at this field and all these guys makes my dick hard, you should be able to not be hard. You would think. Yeah. Depending on the dosage, I suppose. Yeah. But there's definitely guys out there who probably are like, oh, I'm about to cum. Yeah, but that shit stays in your system, though. Yeah. I've used it before. And then the next day, you're still like, I'm ready. I gotta cum, dude. Yeah, yeah. I'm ready to go.

I don't know if you're out there and you haven't tried it, man. Just pop pills today and see how you feel. Are you, if you're going to crank one out, are you a morning or nighttime kind of guy? Well, it's a really good question, Matt. And I feel like I've changed. And maybe this is related to age. I am, whether I'm cranking one out or making sweet love, somebody who definitely wants to. Yeah, of course.

I love you. Um,

I always want to sleep after. Even in the morning? Well, I don't want to get up after that, I'm saying. I want to lay around. I want to be lazy. So I would prefer an end-of-day crank. Okay. But they have different effects. Oh, everyone's, you know. I mean, look, we all know that there's a chemical cocktail that your brain releases when you, you know, I don't know, serotonin dump and whatever else happens. It affects people differently. I'm definitely like, ah.

And there's also a chemical released, I don't know if you know this, in your brain when you're having a partner and having an orgasm that doesn't release when you are alone, like when you do it yourself. Really? Yes. So that is like a scientific...

proven fact that there is something that happens additionally in your brain when it's with somebody else. So I don't know. I've done, I've done, look, I've jerked off at every hour of the day in every setting in airports and in, you know, anywhere you can imagine. Highways. All of them, man. I've done it everywhere.

But ideally, I don't want to start my day with one unless you have the ache of like, you've got to get this out. Interesting. See, that's my coffee sometimes. It's jerking off? Yeah. And then you're ready to go? Yeah. Interesting. A morning one, if it's like before noon, it's usually an upper. Interesting. 12.01, yeah, I don't want to get out of bed. Yeah, I think about, yeah, I mean, how old are you though? 27? 28. 28, it's like...

Yeah, I mean, first of all, I was jerking off way more at 28 than I am now. Are you like once a week? I mean, no, more. Okay, good man. But, you know, I just feel like I do think about my day when jerking off. Well, also, you're a lot busier now. You've got to fit it into the schedule. I have a lot busier day. Are you penciling it in? No, but you know what? There's shower jerks.

I don't love a shower jerk. Really? No, it burns my shoulder out. I do like sometimes, now that you're putting it in my head, and it can be a post-workout jerk. Legs especially. I've done the work. You have that

kind of cooking in your head. And then you're like, okay, I can get one out right now. And then I don't necessarily feel it. But showers also don't make me feel like if I do it there. First of all, I love the drain. And I stomp it down the hole. You stomp it down? Like it's so thick? What are you, making wine? It's glue. And there's just so much of it. I just make so much of it.

I wish I could show people how much I make. It's like you cum bars of soap. It's so much. That's disgusting. It's, it's cause you know, there's a contraction, right? Yeah. Right. Your prostate. But, but I mean, you're like you, when you have an orgasm, you feel it. The pulsing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm a minimum.

12, 13 pulses guy. What? And sometimes 17, 18. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. That's too much. It's too much gum. I've said it my whole life. I don't think I've ever had a woman with me who did not make a comment about it. See, I never... Who was like, what do you have, four balls? This is so much... Like, yeah. I never...

I never cum a lot when I want to cum a lot. Wait, it varies? Yeah, it's like the quest for cum a lot a little bit. Like, I can lay in bed all day and fucking hit collarbone by myself. Sure. The moment a girl's like, cum on my face, my dick's like... Dribble. Yeah. Sad drop comes out. Yeah, man. Never works on her. Yeah, you can never conjure it up.

So be grateful. Yeah. It's the only, you know, you just have to hope someone's like, thanks. You know?

Yeah, I mean, I had so much. I had so many times, like high school, college, where they were like, what the fuck? Like, this is so much. That amount? Yeah. Oh, my God. Although I will say this. With age, the trajectory reduces. You know what I mean? That might check out, actually. The only time I think I've come close to your average, I was like 15, I think.

It was my first handjob ever, ever. I maybe kissed a girl one time before this. So this was a massive jump. It was so much. She, during the act, was like, oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. And not like, it was concerning. Yeah. Like, it scared her. It probably scarred her for future experiences. Yeah, she was like, is this what this is going to be like every time? It was dark in the room. There's no way I got all of it.

Yeah. I'm not proud of it. Yeah, no. I mean, it's fucking, it's wild that we make a mess. It is. Yeah. We squirt every time. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. One of my friends, he's like, one of my college friends, he's like, he goes, dude, I've always just been like fucking three drops come out. Like he's just, he's like, it's the saddest. It's just like, doop.

I wonder what that is. There's got to be a science behind that. Something, maybe your testosterone levels. I don't know. So one time I was like, I talked to a doctor about it. And I went to it with like... You talked to a doctor? Yeah, I was like... You were that concerned? I went into it with concern. I was like, here's what's going on. And he was like, uh-huh. And I told him the whole thing. He goes, consider yourself lucky. And that was it. And he was like, yeah, you just have like a more...

Orgasm. That's it. And your prostate is obviously the one that is where the fluid is being mixed up. But your actual...

orgasmic experience. I mean, it's just going to change from person to person. Interesting. Now there is things, right? That like time since the last one, obviously like, you know, like building up anticipation. That could be it. I mean, that could be like, that's factors. Um, your level of excitement going into it, maybe unexpected, that kind of stuff affects things, you know, spontaneity, spontaneity affects it. Um, I'm now I'm wondering if, if you come better than I do, like the feeling, um,

I think I have a better feeling and there's no way that, but like I walk through life sometimes just going, I come better than that guy. Yeah. Yeah.

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See Mint Mobile for details. We're like 20 minutes into this and 20 of us have been... It's fine. It's what they deserve. You know what? I'm not mad at it one bit. Did we play a clip? We didn't. Oh my God. Oh my God, we skipped the clip? Well, we have to do an opening clip. All right, here's what I have. I don't even know what this is. I'm just going to play it anyway. Okay. I am Tremaine J. Lundy. I am a breeder to the VP to the vagina people. Okay. Okay.

How long's the song? It's pretty long. It's like six more minutes.

14 years of that song, every single episode. Yeah, it's long. It was longer than the video. Substantially. Cut the song down. We've never talked about that. You can by like a third. No one will notice. Let's see. There's a couple of versions. What's the, is this the one? This is Josh Potter doing it.

acapella version I don't like this more yeah um is there another one I hope not I don't think so

Yeah, it's very long. Cut it down to easily 50 seconds. We will definitely have that conversation. Who made this song? Do you know? Yeah, Ryan Match, the Match Man. Oh, the Match Man. The Match Man, Ryan Match. Is he world renowned? He is for that song. Okay. It's the free bird of podcasts. Yeah, he did like all of our...

like when, when we started doing the podcast, I love audio drops, you know, like, like sound. And I was like, I don't know how to do anything. And he was, he was very like proficient in audio. And I was like, yeah, I need like an opening song and all this stuff. And he just, I think it was like whatever pro tools or whatever the previous version of that was. And he would just send me clips. I was like, I want it to sound like this and have this audio clip in it. He just did it all. At no point, 14 years ago, you went a little long.

I probably did. And I think I was just like, Oh, I just think I was probably like, I don't have time to edit this and I don't know how. So just like, do we get to watch the video again? We can watch the video again. Um, so this guy said he's a breeder of the vagina people. I am Tremaine J. Lundy. Tremaine Lundy. I am a breeder to the VP, to the vagina people. He puts out, he puts out more than like, I am Tremaine J. Lundy.

i do not eat feces poop ass farts or drink urine or pee say what you want he's got a good head on his shoulders he does he does and he has an interesting beard it takes you think he dies that

i'm gonna say that that is i think that is how the the color is naturally um because you know like mine is a version of that right it's just shorter yeah the gray comes in areas it's still darker here the thing the only thing that throws me off is how dark the mustache is compared to it

Like there's not even a hint. I also don't know if he's 32 or 48. He could be in his late 70s. Yeah, we don't know. But he's letting you know that he doesn't eat poop farts. He went into pee and ass too, which I'm like, this is a whole different, this is like quite a wide. I mean, farts aren't even like a physical thing, really. Yeah, who eats them? I mean. I mean, somebody does. Yeah, some people, it's their favorite. Have you seen the Chuck Berry videos? Yeah. Great stuff. Oh, yeah.

Did I fart in your face? And he's like, I likes to do that. And he does, he's like, my bad. He farts once, he goes, yes, sometimes I do that. He said, I likes to do that.

That's the craziest thing ever. After you fart. After you fart. Her reaction is so genuine. He says, did I fart? Yeah. You know you did. Of course. On purpose. He timed it. That's the rudest part. Pisses on her face. Yeah, I saw that one too. That's pretty cool. She made a lot of money. For that era. I would imagine. Do you eat ass? Do I eat ass? Yeah. This will be all over every tabloid ever. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. But it's not like your favorite. It's not my MO. No. No. It's not my go-to. Right. But if they want it, yeah, I'll do it. Oh, so they have to ask for it.

Yeah. Not necessarily, like not directly, hey, will you eat my ass? But if it comes up in conversation casually at dinner or something, then I'll make note of it for later. Is that something that happens? Do people bring that up at dinner? Sometimes. Depending on how you want the dinner to go. So they're just like, what are you into? And like, it's just straightforward. Okay. It sounds like you're about to shoot a scene or something. I've considered the fact maybe I'm vanilla in the bedroom because I won't think I will. Mm-hmm.

And then I'll hear about what other people do. And I'm like, I don't want any part of that. Really? Like what? No. I don't want anything with my butthole at all. Touched. Don't touch it at all. Not have your ass eaten or anything. If you even go gooch, I'm clenching. Really? I'll snap a finger. So you've never had someone eat your ass? No, nor should they. Okay. And then, so like, if you're with a woman and she inches her ass towards your face, does that hint, is that you're like, oh, she wants me to do this? Is that also what you mean? No.

I mean, read the room. You know what I mean? Sure. If there's candles, I'll do it. Okay. There's got to be something...

about it, I think. Yes. That's not a spontaneous act. You know what I mean? No, for you. Yeah, if I'm not at a mall or something or in the car, I'm not doing it then. Right. Eating someone's ass in a car is pretty insane. Yeah, you gotta pull napkins out of the glove box and shit. Just pull over. I'm gonna eat your ass right now. That's such a level of perversion. Footlocker version of shit. I gotta fucking eat your ass.

Have you had your butthole eaten? I've been begging for it for years. She's ready. Her mouth looks like a butthole right now, actually. It really does. No, I really have asked for it forever. You want it. Big time. Now, do you want it because you think it's going to feel good? Yes. Or do you want it because you think it would be funny to make your wife do this? No, I think it would feel good. All I've heard from friends who have had it done are like, yeah, it's amazing. So I'm like, oh, I want to feel it. She won't, dude. It's not happening.

On your deathbed. That's probably the worst place to do it. I think every day that passes, it's a real missed opportunity for her. It's only getting dirtier? Well, it's just, it's getting older. It's getting more sour. Oh my God. It's getting hotter. Sour is the worst word to use for it. I am thinking about lasering my asshole hair though.

not waxing i've done that oh i bet laser fucking hurts i think it would too but i think you waxed it i've waxed it before how bad does that hurt not bad not that bad no now do you go to a place to do or you just lay some duct tape back there i've i've i've gone to a place to do it and it is fucking like i like the first time i did it as a joke uh like yeah for who a radio bit and

And then... You did it for radio. Was there a video? Yeah, there's video. Okay, I thought they were just listening to it being done. That's what most people were doing. So you're like, yeah, but whatever. I only did it because I was like, man, there's so much hair. Just do it. And then the great thing was you wipe...

And it's like you're wiping like a normal person because you're like, there's no hair back there. It felt so good. So I was like, oh, it cut down my my wipe time by like minutes. Yeah. You're not dreaded up back. Yeah, man. And then years later, I was like, oh, yeah, that was great. So I did it again. This time I was like, hi, can I get my ass waxed? And they were like.

Okay. And then they're like, can you spread? So you sit there, you spread your cheeks. You spread your own ass. You spread your own ass and you feel like someone's going to fuck it. Like that's what you feel like when you're doing it. And then again, whatever, four or five weeks of just,

glorious... Only last four or five weeks. Well, until it's like, not full length again, but like... Now is it like when hair grows back, is it prickly when it grows back? A little bit. And it's, you know, not too bad. A little itchy, not too crazy. Nothing where you're like, I can't get through this. Like a cat's tongue. But like, you know, I mean, that's my chest, bro. Like, imagine if you just shit on that. Do you think it's going to be easy to clean up? I'm sure a prince somewhere would. I mean, I'm sure it would too, but I just go...

I realized, I was like, oh, if I had lasered it, it could be, like, I don't want hair. Lasering fucking hurts. Have you had any kind of laser before? Never, no. I got a tattoo removed and it fucking hurts, dude. Yes. My friend had his back lasered and he goes, if you ever have hair lasered, he goes, they'll offer you numbing stuff and he goes, always say yes. Oh, yeah. He goes, the first time I was like, no, I don't need that. And he goes, it is brutal. So I was like, okay. Yeah, hairy back too.

It's like patchy. It's not like covered. I think it's worse. Really? Yeah. At least patchy, you can get a good design to it. That's true. I've done trimmer to the back. Yeah, you got to take a trimmer from time to time, I suppose. Yeah, I've done trimmer. But I'm not... Here's the thing. I realize as you age, you only... You address what you care about. So like, I don't care enough about...

To go like, oh man, if my back... Really? I don't care. I care. That's the thing though. It changes person to person. Like I'm bald and I've been offered free...

Turkish, you know, hair, like they're like the masters of hair replacement. Do it. And they've been like, we'll fly you out. We'll do it. The whole thing. Do it. I don't care. Come on. I care. I know. About your hair. I care. I just, I don't care enough. You only, you act on things. For a radio bit, do it. Have a fucking hair transplant? It would be so fucking funny. It would be funny. But also, I would be miserable if,

If I got like a bad, like I would rather be bald than have a bad hair transplant. What if the trade-off was if you get hair, she'd eat your ass? If she cared that much about it, that's an interesting proposal. But I don't know that she gives a shit about it. Well, what do you think? Well. Well. That's not helping in either direction right now. It's not a no. It's not a no. Hmm. Hmm. Does she have any hair on her back? No. No.

Kind of a shame. I know. She's like a, you know, they're blonde. She's blonde fuzzy. Like she doesn't have. I kind of have like blonde body hair. Like my arms are like super fine. Like blonde. Wait, do you have, would you have, do you have back hair if you don't trim? Not really. You're kind of hairless.

I get it on my chest, but it looks ridiculous. Do you trim it then? Yeah, I'll trim it. Wait, you get like little hairs? No, I'll get like the full chest. I'm starting to get my stomach a little bit. Why does it look ridiculous? I don't know. I just look like a boy who's been through a lot. It just doesn't look natural whatsoever. That's hilarious. Also, I work on my body. I don't want it to be hidden by hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so what's your routine like? Do you eat very clean?

I don't eat enough. That's my problem. Yeah. I'm not a big food guy. Like, I don't even think about food until I'm starving. Can I tell you something about my losing weight right now? No. I'm eating...

way more than i was eating a few months ago and do you feel like it's boosting your metabolism because i've kind of noticed trends in that before like if i if i force myself to eat a lot for a couple of days i'll want to eat more the following day well the only thing that i've like for sure i feel like i understand is that if you're training and you're under eating you're not doing anything you're not really repairing yourself so no that's my biggest like you're lifting and you're you're you're

doing intense workouts, and you're just like, I don't really eat. There's no progress. You can lean out, but if you're already 9% body fat, you have no point to it. You have to eat enough. That's my biggest problem. There's also never any time for it. I have time, two meals a day. That's really all I have time for. The rest is I'll snack when I can, I suppose. Good snacks? I should be eating like

No. No. I'll have like a protein bar, I suppose. Uncrustables. Uncrustables, yeah. It's never anything like good for me, I suppose. And how about like your actual meal meals? Are they like... A burger, steak, I guess. Maybe some chicken. So, I mean, it's on the right path. Yeah. It's just not enough of it. I should probably be eating like 5,000 calories a day. You can probably... I mean, you... I probably eat 2,500. You can set it up, you know, where like...

food is brought to you, like when you're on tour especially. I mean, we get the meal before and then we usually get like burgers after or something, but it's not as... Yeah, but you're also 28. I know, but I wish I could get myself into a routine. You can. Like, I know it's hard. You know what the thing to do is? It's to make it somebody else's responsibility. So you say like, this is what I have to do. And then it becomes like...

whoever on your team's thing of like, this is like, this has to be wherever we're going. You have an assistant, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I should probably get an assistant. Yeah. But I mean like, you know what I mean? Like then you would just be, they would just show up. Here you go. It's lunch. You have to eat this. Yeah. Damn. That's a good point. Yeah. You can just schedule it. I just got it at 1130, two 30, five 30 and seven 30. Interesting. Yeah. Cause you ever watch these videos of like Hugh Jackman talking about how he stays in shape for, for his movies. He's eating food.

All day. Constantly. In between scenes, he's eating full fucking meals. He's working out the entire day. I did, years ago, I had a small part in a Mark Wahlberg movie. And...

They would show up just like, here you go. I don't want to scarf down food. Cause he was working out like a fucking three 30 in the morning. He's an insane person. But I mean, it was, here you go all day. Yeah. It's somebody else's job. Yeah. Damn. It's a really good idea. Yeah. Okay. I just, I don't know. It's, I feel fucking weird. I have,

hiring people. Here's the thing. It's so hard. Really? It's so uncomfortable. To hire someone? Yeah. How come? I don't know. Just telling somebody to do something feels so uncomfortable. What? Yeah, I know. You guys don't have to laugh. Do you pay them to? Well, they laugh when they want. What's so fucking funny? Go ahead. You guys are cute. Can I have one of them? No. Why was that funny? What's so funny? You like telling people what to do. Okay, there you go.

I want him. He's awesome. I can't do it, dude. I employ my friends, which is like the coolest thing about success to me. But even that's like the offer to help out with like fucking carrying a suitcase or something. And I'm like, no, I'm not letting you do that. It's going to change for you. You think so? Yes. After a while it'll change because you'll want better work.

Yes, I hope so. Yeah, you'll want actual results, so you'll tell your friends to get other jobs, and then you'll hire other people. No, they're super talented. I love employing my friends. Stop. I love it. I love it. He's just saying that to be nice. You guys are fucking mediocre at best. No, they're fantastic. And they listen to me. And...

No, it's one of the reasons why you're talking about things being uncomfortable, though. It is more uncomfortable to tell, like, your good friend, like, hey, I know you work for me, but yeah, of course. But if you hire somebody who's like, I want a job, and you go, here's the job, it's not uncomfortable.

I don't know. Maybe it's fucking relationship trauma that I, I feel like if I ask somebody to do something for me, it's going to get thrown back in my face or somebody, not even if I ask if they just do something for me. Yeah. But that's, I mean, this is part of life, but part of this is, is a hundred percent because they're friends. So there's a different dynamic to your relationship. I suppose. So I have like my good friend,

who I go, hey, do you want to come work for me? It starts to be weird where you're like, I need you to do that. You feel like you're telling your friend to do something. I even feel that way about my security, though. My security wasn't a friend first. What do you feel weird about telling them? I mean, just when I'm carrying bags and shit out of the green room back to the tour bus or something, he's like, let me carry that. I'm like, I can fucking carry it, don't worry. No, let him carry it. I should let him. I have a hard time doing it, though. He wants to.

I don't know. I feel like less of a man having another man carry my shit. That's his job. Fucking carry the bag. Open the door, too. Yeah, there's not much security risk. I suppose you're right. It's fine. I got... There was this lady... You got a girl who was like, me and my friend want to luck your balls in your ass. Which I'm not into. That's a security threat. I had this lady. She's come to a couple of shows.

talking about how we're supposed to be together and all this kind of stuff. And she's like, she's older, probably like forties. Yeah. And she came to a show like a month ago and she brought this big bag full of gifts, right? Which is not uncommon. We get a bunch of gifts after shows and I love opening them. Sometimes it's cool shit in there. Sure. And her phone was in there on record.

It was on video record, and they're hoping to just catch whatever I'm saying or doing backstage. How she intended on getting the phone back, I don't know. But my security, the phone was open on record, so she started going through her fucking phone to see if there's an actual threat near there on notes or camera roll or something. So when they closed out of the video, they obviously went to the camera roll to delete the video.

And the photos right before the camera, right before the video were my face, like shittily photoshopped onto like models bodies.

And I was so fucking appalled that she didn't use my body. Yeah, she could have just, yeah. Yeah, it's not that like, I don't, I didn't want to fuck her, but I didn't want her to think she could do better. Yeah. You know what I mean? I totally understand that. It's a certain level of delusion, I think. Yeah. I've gotten hair. They give you hair? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've gotten toenails.

Here are my toenails? Yeah. No letter to go with them. Wait, just like in a bag? Yeah, just in a bag. I had a lady give me... And you just figure out what it is or it says something? It looks like toenails. They're like, I thought you might like this. Yeah, and it was like a collection too. There's no way she has that many toes. And it's definitely from a woman? Fuck. They weren't painted. Could be a really cool guy. I do have guy fans. Yeah. Huh. It is optimistic. Because I'm thinking the act to do that just feels very male.

A woman doing that is severely mentally ill. A guy doing it is like... So is hair, dog. Yeah, but toenails is another level. If you're like, let me clip these, make sure they don't... I had a girl give me her family photo album.

What? It was like photos of them and it would look like the 80s. I imagine it's her as a kid. That's sad. Just family gatherings. She's just like partying with the photos that she probably won't be able to find again. That's a really interesting thing to think about. Does she ever plan on getting those back? No. Or maybe the fantasy is yes, that you're like, I look through these, I want to be a part of this. I get you now. You guys look like you have good holidays. I've had, that's another fun one.

Oh, people get scammed a lot. I have a lot of fucking spam accounts of people reaching out like, hey, this is my private account. Message me over here. So many people. You'd be surprised.

will come to shows and be like, Matt told me to come here. He told me to meet him over here. I sent him $1,000 last week. I sent, and he was like, all right, now you can come. Yeah, now you can come to the show. I've been, I went, one time my security was telling me that this was happening. So I wanted to go listen to the conversation. And I stood like on the other side of the door

And the lady was like, I've been texting with Matt for weeks. We exchange sexy photos together. He sent me his dick, like, and showed security a dick that was not mine. She was like, look, he's texting me right now. I'm standing on the side of the door. My phone's not in my fucking hands. I'm like, this is...

It's crazy. Part of me feels so bad that somebody would fall for something like that. Sure. But also, like, you take a little bit of accountability for going there. Yeah, of course. Like, come on. Come on. But you know what? It's the person is hoping that it's true. And I understand the hope. Yeah. But...

I've put out so many messages being like, dude, I'm never going to reach out to you. You know what I mean? As a fan, for your safety and mine, I'm not going to reach out to you from a private account. I'm never going to ask for money. But, by the way, if you do get a picture of my dick, that is your backstage pass. Well, I want to see what it is first. You know what I mean? It's like a really sad dick. You thought this was mine? I'd be fucking furious. You ever thought about how you're going to be immortalized from your dick pics?

I don't have dick pics. You've never sent one? I'm too old, dude. That's not true. You never sketched it out? I mean, I've looked at it through the camera and I've been like, I don't know. Don't send it? I'm like, this is not good. I've always had a problem with statues. Statue dicks? Yeah, man. You've never seen a big statue dick ever. I think, so you're right. And I think that

I think that part of that is so that the focus isn't on that on the statue. I think the artist, these sculptors that do these incredible, you know, Michelangelo sculptures, if they gave it a hardy dick, it would be such the focus. Because you are fascinated by the fact that they can do the entire physique perfectly.

perfectly and if it were like a massive hog you'd be like look at this that's all you anybody now the flip side of that is everybody talks about how little they look see that's what i'm talking about i think it comes from jealousy like you don't usually sculptures and these statues are from like great leaders or conquerors yeah you don't sculpt my man on soft when he conquered fucking persia or whatever it was just give me like if you were doing mine

I would just be like, okay, I'm going to fluff it a little bit. Yeah. Naturally, right? Yeah. And so that when I drop my robe, you're like, is that your natural state? And I'll be like, yeah. Yeah. And then I'll give you a little wink. Yeah, don't make it look like you ran out of clay. And then I'll go like, hey, you good? And then if you go like, well, no, I'll be like, well, give me a few minutes. And I'd turn around, smack it around a little bit, come back. That's what I would do if I was going to be –

or a sculpture made. The problem is the sculpture takes so long, eventually it's going to lose its fluff. I know. And then I just sit there just cranking and he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, just relax. It'll be back to where it was in a moment. I think if I ever take another dick pic, or if I'm going to have somebody paint me or sculpt me, I want it to be a caricature artist. Oh. They always emphasize your attributes. Yes, they do. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I never thought of it like that. Yeah, they always... Yeah, I know a couple good ones. You're going to get done at fairgrounds? Who's the great one that we worked with? You had a caricature done? I don't know his name. I'll get it from Reed. Okay. No, we had these guys at a party, and they had these two artists who...

they both have incredible like followings. They're like super talented guy. And they came to a party that we had and a poor Osos event. And they just like, they did it for people that were at the event. It was fucking hilarious. That's really funny. I'm drawing a blank right now on the, on the name. Um,

Yeah, super funny. They're so mean. Yes, they're super mean. And one of them just does a lot of graphic sexual stuff. Very aggressive. On the caricatures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like for us, I think he was just... No, for Philip Lee was there. He just put him in a clown outfit and just like, yeah. He'll add that much to it. He just added that. That's really funny. You have it? No?

She's grabbing the actual ones we have here. Oh, okay. Oh, you have them in physical form. We have some of them here, yeah, yeah. So here we go. Oh, yeah, Porus Walker is one of them. Oh, my God. Is that Hulk Hogan? And then...

And then Todd, what's Todd, Todd Francis? Is that his name? I think so. I can't read the signature. Todd Francis on top, Horace Walker on the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hulk down there. Yeah. These guys are so good. And they did this. What's happening in the top one? It's, um, it's me eating popcorn as, as, um, protesters are getting beat to death by police. Yeah.

Those guys, and they do that in like four minutes. Are you serious? Yeah. You just sat there and they were just like... That's incredible. I can't draw at all. No, I love it. It's so cool. What was the... She brought another one? Oh, there's another one, yeah. What's the other one? Oh, yeah. That's another Porus Walker on top there. Are you shitting through her? Through her legs, yeah. And then...

That when there's a car accident. Oh my God. We're flying to the air. Yeah. So that's Todd and that's Boris again. You guys have a weird love language. Yeah. The shitting stuff. Yeah. Have you ever done, um, you ever gotten a Blumpkin? Oh, you know what it is though, right? Yeah. Okay.

Have you gotten one? No, I would not. I would not let anybody in the bathroom when I'm taking a shit. Let alone blowing you during it. It always sounded... For them to be into that, I think is more concerning. Of course it is. It's so much more disturbing. Every inhale is just a nightmare. I mean... Have you taken an upper decker?

No. Feels like something Bert would do. A thousand percent. I'm sure he's done that. It ruins the whole plumbing, right? Because isn't that the water that flushes into it? I mean, dude, I'm not into any of that, bro. I can talk about taking shits all day. I don't want to actually participate in any shit activity. This feels like the platform for this. You ever seen lespoo.com? No. L-E-Z. I wonder if it's still a thing. I haven't seen this since like high school. L-E-Z. Where did I go?

Remember Two Girls, One Cup? Yeah. It's a whole website of that. Yeah. That first one was the girl stuffing herself and puking. That's pretty cool. Oh, that's a big old shit. That's just a Waffle House floor. A lot of shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You realize that some of these are like super nice ladies. Like if you met them, you'd be like, oh, she was really nice. And then you see her on the site and you're like, what the fuck? And she's like, yeah, it's my job. It's just, I just do this. You just don't have to do this. What's really fascinating is how different

our genders are because it is, this is men going to the site. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, there's, yeah, there's a couple completely bananas chicks that are consuming this. But the reason this is made is solely because of men. What do you think the most fucked up fetish a woman has for men? That's even close to this direction. You think, I mean, there's, here's the thing. They're outliers chicks. I'm good now. Um,

They're not most women. You know what I mean? Like most women. Well, this isn't most men. It's not most men, but disproportionately. Meaning like...

There's women, obviously, who goes, I like to be slapped. I like my hair pulled. I like bites. I like choking. Things like that. Sure, there's girls who are like, you know what? I like being pissed on. And you're like, that's pretty crazy. But for men, it's the sky's the limit. There might be like...

you know, this percentage, whatever. Yeah. And then you look at men and it becomes like 25%. It's like, it's, it's so disproportionate. I want to hear the comments from women who think they know the most fucked up fetishes. Like what they're into. I did. So I talked to a guy one time. This was great. He was like, he had just gotten divorced and he was like, you know, first time like playing the field. Right. And he, and I go, Oh, have you had some,

you know, encounters. Like since you've just been out there dating for the first time in years. And he was like, I thought this was kind of crazy. I guess it's not,

Totally bananas, but he was like... He said it stunned him where he's like, I was with this woman and she goes, well, I'm on my period. And he was like, I don't care. So I was like, yeah, that's not... Whatever. So he's like, we have sex and it is a mess, right? And he's like, I'm not bothered by it or whatever. Yeah. But then she...

orally cleaned it all up off of me and he was that I was like yeah she licked all her own blood off of him everywhere but she's like he's like not there wasn't an inch like a speck left he was like yeah that threw me off now that's not the craziest thing I've ever heard no but it's also you're like you don't have to do that you don't have to do all that yeah but also that must turn her on she liked it vampire maybe yeah do you believe in vampires totes totes what about aliens

I can't wrap my head around the idea that we are alone in this galaxy. It's impossible, right? It's just too massive. Yeah. Do you believe they come here? I mean, it makes sense that there's some type of monitoring or interaction in some way. It just does. I don't know the details. Obviously, I don't have all the answers. But I just...

I find it hard to just go, yeah, I know that this galaxy is a speck in the universe. It's like it's 100 million times beyond the capacity of our imagination is its size. We're just a tiny little dot. We mean nothing. And then you're like, nah. It's just us. No way. It just doesn't add up in my mind. Ghosts.

I've never been a big ghost guy. And I know people, they're like, I was in this basement and then the door shut. I says, what the fuck was that? And so now we always go two of us to the bedroom. Okay. So, I mean, people have their... I've never had like ghost encounters or whatever. But it is... Look...

All that shit ultimately is kind of entertaining. It's kind of fun. It's fun, for sure. But you don't believe that when you die, you could become a ghost. I don't know. I mean, I have been in like spooky, you know, haunted feeling places, right? You've never been like ghost hunting though. I've never been ghost hunting. I've been in buildings, you know, like where you're like, fuck, this is... Like a comedy store. It's dark, you know, like the...

the like like hallways that are 100 years old and you're like yeah poorly lit these I don't know part of that's like you know the ambience where you're like yeah feel something I mean did I experience something where it changed me no but I do think it's entertaining I do think it's entertaining it was funny is there people who are here this be like can't believe this fucking idiot doesn't know about ghosts and you're like I'm sorry that's my community dog yeah yeah you big ghost guy oh I love ghosts have you had ghost encounters

Okay, I haven't seen anything. Like, I haven't seen something in front of my face that I go, that's a ghost. One billion percent, that's somebody who died, for sure. But I have seen things and heard things I cannot possibly explain. I was ghost hunting in England at this place called the Ancient Ram Inn. It's like a thousand years old. You were ghost hunting? Yeah. Okay. This is something I do for fun. All right. Yeah.

Super weird hobby. I know. I know. No, I like it. I like it. But I won't get my ass ate. Is that weird? That's the thing. That I'll ghost hunt but I won't get my ass ate. You should be ghost hunting with a mouth in your ass and then it'd be a way better experience. And get the shit scared out of me? I don't think so. If you find a ghost on one of these, you should be like, alright, somebody eat my ass. This is the fucking culmination. I'll make that deal. I'll make that deal. If you actually... If somebody can make me experience definitive ghost acknowledgement, I'll let them eat my ass. What would feel like...

a true acknowledgement versus this is weird.

Seeing it. Seeing something. Seeing is believing, right? Hearing is pretty fucking definitive. Do people actually say that they see... Like, they say they've seen things. Do you ever believe someone that's seen something? Like, as opposed to, like... I could believe it. I could. Because I've seen things move. You have. I've seen... When we were at this place, we were sitting around, like, this barrel, right? And there's supposed to be, like, a lot of fucking, like, evil at this place. And the guy who owns it was like...

I don't recommend it, but if you want something to happen, like provocation, usually it works. Like, be an asshole. I don't fuck. I don't do that shit. I don't want anything to be mad at me. Yeah. Because we're sitting around this table. Nothing's happening. We have like a little, it's a super basic tool to use. A little cat ball, right? Little light up ones. And the idea is that they only go off when you touch them.

So we sit in the middle of this barrel. When nothing's happening, my friend goes, all right, we're going to start being mean. So there's like five of us. And they're all going around the table. You fucking asshole. Pussy. Bitch. It gets around to me. And I just go, yeah, you...

dookie head, because I don't want anything to be actually mad at me. This ball then does a controlled roll around the barrel. Not like bumping into a table and it rocks back and forth. It's like a controlled roll for a couple of seconds. Doesn't that freak you out? Freak me the fuck out for sure. On cue, when the last person says something mean...

That happens. It's a bit coincidental. Now, is that the kind of thing where you go, let's hightail it out of here? No, because that's when stuff can actually get kind of good, I suppose. Right, so it's exciting, right? It's such an adrenaline rush. How many are in your group when you're doing this? Like five of us, including the camera guys. Okay. Wait, did you do this for a show or just for like... A friend of mine runs a YouTube channel. Oh.

It's called TFIL, the fuck it list. And then he has an off channel of that called the overnight channel. And that's where we've been like around the world. Is he a big ghost hunter? You've really been into this. Oh, dude, I love it. It's a very weird hobby of mine. Oh, no, that's cool. It's weird because it scares the shit out of me. What other hobbies do you have?

Sports. Like being a sports fan? Like playing sports. Playing sports. I fucking love playing sports still. What do you play? Well, until my career, I was playing adult flag football all over LA. They have leagues all over the city. Basketball as much as I can.

baseball as much as I can. You play, you guys, boxing. Do you guys do stuff on the road? Like, do you do it like, Never have time. Parking lot, unfortunately. No, we did, last year, we went to Bend, Oregon. The, the amphitheater they have out there. Yeah. It's one of my, it's my favorite town in the country. We did a, this was the first time all of my friends were going to be together in like two years. Yeah. All of my friends are like,

I'm the most athletic person in the group. Everybody thinks that about themselves, right? So this was like the time we finally had an opportunity to put that to the test. We played a flag football game. It was like, I think it was 4v4. Everybody got exposed. One of my friends, James, who's like the friend who would talk the most shit about being the most athletic person because he ran track in college, stopped at halftime, we had a halftime, to become a referee.

It was the most embarrassing thing anybody in our friend group had experienced. That's funny. Everybody got exposed, and it was the best possible opportunity. Yeah, that's fun, though. I had, like, five touchdowns. It wasn't even a big deal. I like the, like, parking lot games that you can do. It's the best. It's fun. That was, like, my tour bus routine. We'd get done with two shows a night. We're done at 1 a.m. Yeah. Go out in the parking lot.

Toss a football around, smoke some weed. That was like my nightly routine. It's a fun routine. Love to just decompress. Yeah. So simple. I'll throw the ball to you, you throw it to me. Yeah. So simple. It's a good time. One thing we have to address here. Oh. Sorry. Jack Carlson, the succulent Chinese meal man, died at age 82. This is the man who immortalized the phrase, this is democracy manifest. This is like one of the most popular memes you may have seen recently.

Here it is. Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest.

Have a look at the headlock here. See that chap over there? Get your hand off my penis! This is the bloke who got me on the penis before. Why did you do this to me? For what reason? What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. Ah, yes. I see that you know your judo well.

This, man, a legend. Total legend. I've never seen a more proper victim. I know, right? Also, these Aussie cops in this era, real gentle. Yeah, real. No headlock. This is real different than LAPD. Yeah. They're just like... I've never seen this before. I suggest you get in the car. I've never seen this before. Really? How popular is this? This was pretty... I mean, it's gone through different eras, but...

probably first went crazy with this clip more than 10 years ago really yeah and then he you see since then resurgences like like you know you won't see it and then all of a sudden it'll just explode it's one of those things that like will come back we got into a succulent Chinese meal a succulent Chinese meal this

is democracy manifest. That became a legendary line. That was sexy the way you rolled that R. It was, right? Get your hand off my penis! And then get your hand off my penis. This great man has passed and we just wanted to say that we acknowledge how wonderful you were, sir. How did he pass? Let's see. He spent the last few weeks of his life in the hospital battling many ailments.

But what got him in the end was systemic inflammatory response syndrome. He died the day after his 82nd birthday. Let's see. Davis also learned that the most recent alias Carlson, who he believes was really Cecil George Edwards. I guess he had multiple aliases that he went by.

Let's just say John. I don't know. There's a whole bunch of like, there's been all these different stories about this guy, who he was. Like he was thought to be somebody. And then they were like, he's actually this like Hungarian chess player. And then they're like, he's not that guy. He looks like that guy. It's all kind of a mystery. So he's mainly just famous for this clip. Yeah.

We don't know. Then they were like, you know, what he became famous. Then when I heard the story that what this guy was famous for was dining. I think this was Melbourne, Australia, dining at high end restaurants and then leaving without paying the bill. Oh, and that that was a thing that was going on and that that's what happened here. But the story always feels like it's never quite over.

clear. You know what I mean? Like I always, whenever we research this guy, there was always like, oh, here's the real story. It's like they never really, even in this, this is like, he just died. They're like, we think he was this guy. It's very strange. That's kind of awesome. Yeah, it is. You don't really know who it is, you know? Are you waiting to receive my limp penis? Yeah. Yeah.

How is that not a ringtone option? Not if you get a honey packet from a fucking...

You're going to get a sponsorship. I hope so. Well, congratulations on the special, dude. It's fucking awesome. Another special is Lucid, Matt Reif Lucid. It's a crowd work special. It's streaming now on Netflix. Again, you can see Matt on tour. You can get tickets at mattreifofficial.com. You're touring all over the world, right? You're going everywhere. We're going to do a new tour in 2025. Arena tour. Big time.

So excited, dude. That's fucking awesome. Thanks, man. All right, we're going to sign off with the song, Get Your Hands Off My Penis, the official remix. And we will see you. Thank you for coming in. And thank you for being here today, Christina. And you, sir. Get, get, get, get, get, get, get your hand off my penis! Gentlemen, this is the bike who got me on the penis before. Get your hands off my penis. Get your hands off my penis, sir. Why did you do this to me?

But you just assured me that I could speak. Sit down, it's not... I'm not assuring anything. I'm not quite a judo man of me. Oh, that's some nice headlocks. I'm under what? This is my Chinese judo headlock. It's my Chinese judo charge. Oh, this is my Chinese judo manifest. It's my Chinese judo penis. I'm under what?

Gentlemen, the boss of the trade, man of men. Have a look at this, it's a headlock here. They got that vibe of the eights. Get your hand off my penis! This is a life I got me on.