Make America Laugh Again w/ David Lucas | Your Mom's House Ep. 756
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How much time you spend at the mall? Oh, dude. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, spend more.

Smile more. Well, let me ask you something. How much time do you spend at the mall? No, go ahead. He was asking you. No, I can't say it for me. He was asking you. I don't say it. I say it all day and friends.

Eni, how much time you spend at the mall? Oh, all day, nigga. Yeah. You know what's so fun? Eni has these great songs. Like he'll bring in the coolest songs. Great songs. He was singing yesterday. Was it A.I. with the Braids? A.I. with the Braids. A.I. with the Braids.

And where do you source your new songs from, Eni? I source my new songs from my old life in early 2000s. These are all old songs. To me, they're new to me, buddy. Yeah, for sure. For sure, for sure. For sure, for sure. For sure. Do you know that when I smile, my eyes totally disappear? Let's see it. Look.

Because my eyelids are so droopy now. You're an old Korean lady. I do. I totally do. Thank you. Because I was looking at a thumbnail from an episode, like a recent one. Which one was it where I just told you I look terrible and I'm shiny? I think it was the ditty one. You're really in this like self-flogging thing about the eye. I can't because I can't even see. You do it 10 times a week now. You're like, my eyes. Do you want to know why? Can't see through my eyes.

Because my Smurf day is coming up. Look, I can look and when I smile my eyes just disappear. Yeah, this is how old I am. You look like Renee Zellweger. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I thought you said she was beautiful. Who said? Didn't you meet her? No, it was a different lady. I didn't meet her. It was a different lady. Um, yeah, I need to get this. Gosh, my eyes look so open and blue and bright. That's what I'm saying. How come he gets to have open eyes? And then here's you. Yeah, I'm turning Japanese. That's terrible.

I look like a fucking... I look like I have the perfect smile in, though. You do. The perfect smile. What's going on? Is Nadav DJing? Who's this guy on the right? What's going on there? Nadav.

It looked like if Chris gained 200 pounds. It does. Okay. Well, yeah. So you're going to get your blephs done or what? I am. I'm going to do it. I'm going for my consultation in LA. Upper blephs? Just the uppers. I'm not going to do lowers. They're just going to trim my eyelids. You got to get your eyelids trimmed when you're old. Yeah. So I'm doing that. I'm still on the Ozympies, which is exciting. Yeah.

Are you eating through them? Yeah. So what happened was that first week when I was on 50, I was like, dude, I take like two bites and I'm full. It's great. Yeah, I remember. So much weight gone. And then I went back down to like 10, eating right fucking through it. Like I'm standing at the fridge now.

eating blocks of cheese. Jesus. Like I can't control it. This is emotional eating though. For sure. This is why I'm still overweight is I eat emotionally. I can't, I always want to eat. So I figured the right dosage for me was,

is one where I just feel ill all day. No. Yeah, and then the reward centers of my brain are shut off for food. It's when you don't even think about food. Like when I was on that 50, it was like I wasn't even thinking about food. You just couldn't think about food. It was great. I was so sick. I'm sure your energy was depleted too. Oh, for sure. Yeah, okay, so that's not a good system. I mean, I was laying down a lot. I was resting, just losing weight. My body was eating the donuts I ate.

10 years ago. Look at that bug. It's attracted to you. I know. I hate it. I fucking hate it too. Yeah. So I don't think that's a good idea. What? To do too many Osempies and to try to shut off your entire reward mechanism for eating anything. I don't think that's a good idea. But that's how you look better. Yeah, that's true.

What is that expression? Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Kate Moss, the legendary Kate Moss from the 90s, who still looks fabulous, by the way. Yeah, she's like 60 or something now. Yeah, can you bring up Kate Moss? Well, she has... She is aged. She's aged. I mean, normal, right? She's weathered. Well, don't bring up the cigarette photo, but she's still a queen. Wow, she looks great. Come on. I do not feel 50. She's only 50. Okay. See, the bitch is... I'm 47, so...

You think she can still get it? Of course she still gets it. Who's giving it to her? Who's she married to? Whoever she wants. I don't know. She's Kate Moss.

Who's giving it to Kate Moss? Will you see? Because here's the deal. I got my ozempies up to 15, my dosage, and I ate a yogurt this morning, and now I feel sick, and that's how I know I'm losing weight. She's been in a relationship with German aristocrat, photographer, Count Nikolai von Bismarck. Von Bismarck? He's a Bismarck? Yeah. He's a count. Oh, my God. He's so young looking. He's very young. Count Nikolai von Bismarck. His shoulders are so high, he has no muscles in them.

He doesn't power clean like that boy Tom. Dude, what is a count? Like, how do you even meet? Who is Kate Moss's blood sucking boy toy? That's what this article says. Jesus. Dude, he's like 12. My man shrugs all day. Look at these shoulders, bro. Fucking pull them down. I do that though, too. He's just high strung. He's got anxiety. Dude, he's so like a count. How the fuck? What does that even mean? 13 years her junior. Yeah.

He's 37 while she's 50. But she had her upper breast done. Yeah, good. Good for Kate. Like, what do counts even do? I don't fucking... I don't understand. This is it here. Hold on. He's just got family money. That's what that is, right? That's what that usually is. Just generations of wealth. Generational wealth. Yeah, he looks tired and lazy. I crashed a Bentley. And they're like, get out of here. We'll take care of it.

Nikolai von Bismarck. He's related to Otto von Bismarck. And Otto was the significant German statesman and chancellor. Oh.

Urtel was granted the title of Prince of Bismarck in 1871. Interesting, the city of Bismarck, North Dakota, United States, was named after him. Oh, my gosh. He's a photographer. Oh. Maybe that's how they met. Oh, so he actually does stuff for a living. Maybe he did. Yeah, maybe he actually, and he was like, hey, you look like my aunt. And then she was like, I could be. I'm way older than you. Oh, my gosh.

- 13 years. - And then, is that it? - It's not that bad. Is 13 years that bad? You're 50. - No, it's not that bad. - Now he's an adult. He goes on a trip to Kenya. - He's a good photographer. He's a handsome man. - He's cute. He's a little fae for my tastes. He looks like very boyish to me. I'm not into boyishness. - He is very boyish looking. - Right? Like just very, you know. - He has links to the British royal family. - Right, his posture is just abhorrent. - It is.

As a count, Nikolai is well connected to other aristocrats. That's Beatrice. Princess Beatrice of York. He knows members of the British royal family. He's pals with Princess Eugenie and Princess Maria.

Beatrice. I'm fucking, you said it seven times. You're not saying it though. I'm waiting for you. Because you keep saying it. Because you're not saying it. Beatrice. As I'm reading, you're like, Beatrice, Beatrice. Yeah, because she's cute. There's Beatrice right there. I like Beatrice. It's exciting. I want to be friends with him. Why would you want to be friends with fucking that Beatrice? He's a Liverpool fan. That's true. They're boring. Go. Let's see. Anything else about him? All right. Finally, scroll down one more. How the fuck did these two meet? He looks handsome there.

Various sources say they've known each other for years before they started dating around 2015. Da da da da. The Count's mum, who's 64, is almost as close in age to Moss as Moss is to Debbie's son, goes way back. First assumed the models didn't even say how they fucking met. Okay. Well...

There's that. How the fuck did we end up on cake? I don't know. We're talking about being thin. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, let's we've talked so long we forgot to open the show. Oh, let's open the show. Here we go. Hey, baby. It's time to play your favorite game. How wet can I get the pussy? Okay. Ready to play? How wet can I get the pussy, baby?

Stop. All right, I'm going to throw up. Stop. No, no, no.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow. Meow.

Stop! Why don't I like those games?

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. It's just girls don't really enjoy that type of, I mean, certain girls do, but not this one right here. All right. I don't like that. I don't know why you don't like that. Most chicks like to play games and they like to have fun. You know, I thought you liked to have fun. Ready to play hot wet. Can I get the pussy? I'm going to fucking puke. I don't like it. You know what I really hate too is like he's, I don't want to say it. Say it, say it.

I don't like his stucco ceiling. It reminds me of growing up. Yeah, no, his place sucks. Yeah, his place sucks. It's different. If he were in a nice place and you're like, well, maybe. And then if you're like, is it Henry Cavill? What if he was like, let's play how bad I can get the pussy. But he wouldn't say it aggressively. Oh. Say it like Henry Cavill. Darling. Darling. Yeah, that's different. She'd like to play a game before you lie down this evening. Right. How does a game play?

what's the game that we'd like to play together i believe it's even though it's still gross i don't i don't like wet could you get between your legs i'm gonna take these out of my ears you didn't want to play perhaps see now you turn all gay stop now he sounds like a gay lord can i make you come shiver and shake shut stop

It's so gross, dude. I don't know, because if you reverse it, if you're like, hey, you want to play How Hard Can I Get Your Cock? I'd be like, yeah, let's do it. Let's sign me up. Yeah, because you're a boy. Yeah, I know. Girls don't want this. Girls do want it. This is how guys talk to other guys. No, I don't believe it. This is not how guys talk to women. I don't believe it. I think women want it. Yeah, well, we can ask the ladies in here. I mean, I don't think Heather is going to respond to this or Nayana. I think they're both turned on right now. That's why they're not walking in. Yeah.

You think they're in the, like watching this feed. I think a lot of women listening right now are turned on. They're like, shit. Yeah. I wish somebody would call me to play. How wet can I get? I mean, yeah, there's girls that are into this. Yeah, I know. It's not, it's not. We talked to one last episode. I know. That's why I keep, that's why I'm stopping myself. Cause I'm like, cause I'm like, Abby might have liked this offer. Maybe, maybe. Just for me, it gives me a little creep vibe, you know, whatever. It's a little aggressive.

- Now I'm totally shut down. I'm just totally shut down. - Terrible. May 8th, Christina will be in Los Angeles. - Need a nap.

You already sold out one show at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. Barely eating. May 8th, you added a late show at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. It's part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival. You can get tickets at ChristinaPOnline.com. That is May 8th. Fucking Chinese. And then August 16th.

And 17th, you're in Orlando, Florida. Horlando. At the Funny Bone. Is there a Funny Bone in Orlando? Holy shit. I think you're right. I think it's not a Funny Bone. I mean, there's always been an improv there. I think it's the... Hit the ticket link. There's no way there's a Funny Bone. I mean, it'd be a new one. Oh my God. No, it is. What? There's a Funny Bone in Orlando? Yeah, I always did the improv. All right. Maybe they...

bought it? Maybe. Formerly the Orlando Improv. Yeah, okay. Okay, we're not crazy. We're not crazy. That just shows that we are actually paying attention. Oh no! You think Princess Beatrice wants to go to it? Oh, fuck her. So, I will be May 9th, the next day in Los Angeles at the Kia Forum during the Netflix is a Joke Fest. And guess what? What? I can't tell you what it is. I can tell the boys here what it is.

But I have a special surprise guest that I can't say who it is, but is a special surprise guest. So if you're in Los Angeles and May 9th, you are free. Come to my show at the Forum. And I guarantee my show will start way different than anybody else's show will. Wow. May 10th.

Wow. I'm in San Jose at the SAP Center. 7th, excuse me, June 7th, I'm in Kansas City, Missouri at the Starlight Theater. June 8th, Camden to Missouri at the Ozarks Amphitheater. June 12th, Wilkes-Barre PA at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza. That's crazy. And June 15th in Bangor, Maine at Cross Insurance Arena. That's three days before my Smurf day. I know. And then we get out for a little while. We do. Yeah.

Hey, is there anything a woman can say to you that would gross you out sexually? Sexually? Like what's, what's okay. And he's shaking his head. No, no. How about this? I have an outbreak of herpes. Oh, would that deter you? Yeah. Would that would be it? The only penis shrinker? I mean, that's a penis shrinker. Depends how hot she is, but yeah, that'll do it. Is that the only sentence that,

That will deter you? I mean, I'll tell you. Well, okay. Are we talking about just in general thing or are we talking about like a lifelong general, like what I don't like? Or are we talking about specifically something you could say? Let's do both. Yeah. I mean, herpes outbreak is not going to work for me for sure. Sure. I don't care. I'd be like, bitch to anyone. Get the fuck out of here. Bitch, get the fuck out of here. It's real, real sympathetic.

You don't think you'd be like, oh, okay, well, maybe call me in a couple of weeks. No, fuck off. When it's cleared up. No, get out of here. Fuck off. Fuck right off. You and your herpes. Yeah, cool. What a jerk. I know. Gosh. I like it. So many people have that. It's not a big deal. Yeah, it's not. It's not. It's not a big deal. I don't think it's a big deal. No. But I'd still be like, get the fuck out of here, you stupid bitch. Yeah, cool. So...

Fuck out of here. You know, I never really liked... It's funny because you have your idea of what you think you like. Yeah. I don't like...

when you meet somebody, she's overtly sexual out of the gate. - Yeah. - I don't like it. I never responded well to it. - Meaning like the very first meeting and she's like, "Ooh, you got pretty lips, I wanna put lips on my pussy." - If she's like overtly putting it out there, like, I'm like, let's just fuck. I'm like, I don't know. - That's kind of weird. - Yeah, I actually don't like it. I think if there's a fantasy that you like it, I don't like it. I never did. - Yeah. - Yeah. I like to like talk first. - Courtship.

Yeah, something. Jesus. Like, let's have some kind of connection. Yeah. Well, I don't blame you. Yeah. Okay. Unless she's a fucking straight up fucking ho bag. Then you're just like, who cares? Yeah, but you've had that. Yeah. And that didn't stop you. It wasn't exciting, though. I didn't like it. It's interesting. You know, like, if it's too easy. Yeah, I like it. I like there to be some...

build towards it a challenge and then also some type of I like there to be real attraction and the only way I'm going to have that there has to be like I like intelligence like something emotional I know it's such a fine dance isn't it it is because you think when you're horny you're like I'll take anything but that's like in the state of horniness usually you're not just like

around people where someone's like, do you need your dick sucked? That's not how it usually works. Right. Yeah. That's usually the opposite of what happens when you're in that state. I imagine you repel. Yeah.

That's just how it is. That's just how it is. Your energy will just repel everything you want. Everyone's like, God, what's wrong with you? What's up with the serial killer? Yeah. Well, girls, especially we know. You sense it? Of course. Like whose dick hasn't been touched in forever. Yeah. You can sense when a guy's like a total virgin too. Because you want calm energy, right? You want competent, calm energy. Yeah. Or like when a guy's too desperate or whatever.

Desperation is the worst. But the worst energy, in my opinion, is like inexperienced energy, like virginal Christian energy or something. Yeah, lack of confidence. Or like tentative energy is the gross. Just go for it. I can't do it. I can't do tentative. Or yeah, ugh.

What about humor? I feel like humor for me would be like a, like if they laugh at something that's fucking stupid, like, you know, whatever. Yeah. Some family show and it's like the easiest humor ever. And they're like, oh, I'd be like, oh. That's a turnoff. It's a big, that was a big turnoff. Yeah. Yeah. When you're on a date. Yeah. Yeah. And the girl laughs at.

or insists on showing you what's funny. And you're like, this is what you like? One of the hottest girls I've ever been with, we were...

she was like I want to watch a movie and it was Idiocracy that was like one of my favorite movies as a kid so I was like pretending I haven't seen it and I'm like yeah sure I'll watch it with you whatever and there was like a part where this big monster truck was coming out of a door or something like into a coliseum and it was obviously way too big to fit so it was like smashing through the wall or whatever it's like kind of a silly stupid moment and she's watching it this is the hottest girl in my life at this point

And she's sitting there watching it and she's like, oh my God, that's not going to fit in there. And I'm like, oh no. Like it's, it's all over. All of the, all of that is gone now. She's retarded. She's fucking stupid. It's a mood killer. Yeah. If she laughs at something like that and thinks that's funny. That's horrible. That's your limp. Like that's your, oh,

Like she's putting together. Yeah. That's bad. Yeah. That was rough. That's bad. Like I feel bad for saying it. Like if she ever hears this. I know. I'll tell you what I. Nope. Not. What found a turn off was when a guy told me he doesn't have a passport. Oh really? And we were adults. I'm like, you don't have a passport? Yeah.

And like, no, and no desire to get one. It's like, well, I don't want to travel. That means I'm not curious basically. Yeah. And I'm not into adventure or I can't be spontaneous. I can't do that. Like I'm, I can't do that with you. Like I'm a, I'm a foreigner. You know what I mean? Like I, I guess maybe because I'm a foreigner. So I'm like,

you should be aware of the world. I find it to be such a turnoff when Americans don't know more than just like... Or anyone from any country. Yeah, for sure. Like you're not interested in traveling? Yeah, it means you're not curious. That and I have like, yeah, so these are my two deal breakers. Yeah. I don't have a passport and I don't want one. I don't want one. That's a problem. And I don't like sushi. I don't eat sushi.

I can't get along with you if you're that person. I know. I kind of shut down too when somebody says it. Right? I'm like, really? And they're like, it's raw. I'm like, yeah, no shit. Yeah, that's the fun. You might die. You might not. You might throw up. You might not. Every time I eat it, I get nervous because I'm puke phobic. But then I just power through it. Because it tastes so good. Sushi to me is less of a thing than somebody who just...

goes like, I don't like really anything but like, you know, steaks and fries. Like, you know, like. Yeah, like toddler food. Yeah, yeah. If like they start eating like that, I'm like, whoa, okay. Like if it's a dude, I don't want to hang out with them. And if it was a girl, I was like, yeah, I don't want to go out. That's bad.

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I've told you about that dude in Spain where we were like,

We saw him after a few weeks, you know, of studying abroad. And we're all living in Madrid. Like one of the, it's one of the world's great cities. And, you know, I don't know if you don't, if you're not aware, look up Spanish cuisine. Like it's pretty fantastic. It's pretty great. Yeah. I mean, it's people travel to eat there.

And we're like, how's it going? He's like, I mean, it's all going pretty well, except for this fucking food. I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, I can't eat. I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, I just go to Burger King every day. Oh, no, that's not even the best one. I'm like, you go to Burger King? He's like, yeah, I can't eat this food. And I'm like, fuck. And I didn't talk to him again. Yeah. Yeah.

I was just like, I don't want to be friends with this dude. You can't be friends with that dude. That's not a person that you share a worldview with. Exactly. We're just too diametrically opposed to each other. Our cores are different. Yeah. You know, it's like you're just, you're a different type of person. It's like a cat person and a dog person. Yeah, I would say even worse. I think it's like a fucking... They're all cat boys. A dog person and a fucking spider person. Yeah.

Like, I just, I don't, yeah, I don't want to hang out. I don't want to hang out and I don't want to watch you order shitty things. And also he didn't say it with any sense of awareness, you know? Like he was just like, like it was so sincere that I was like, oh, he's in another dimension, you know? Yeah, you don't share reality. Food's really bad here. And I was like, okay. There was a girl on the apps that said she had never in her life read a book. Oh.

I was like, what are you talking about? How is that possible? Yeah, I was going to say that. I feel like today, like, people are very open and, like, confident and saying, like, oh, I don't read. Yeah, I've heard that. You do hear that a lot now. I've heard that, too, yeah. Yeah, and it's kind of, like, I know, like, it's probably not the most popular hobby right now is, like, reading, but, like, don't own it. Yeah. Like, you should be embarrassed. You should be ashamed, yeah. Why are people so into, like, shh?

sharing that they don't read. I think it's similar to being like, oh, I don't want to get a passport. It's like you're just kind of comfortable being kind of closed-minded. Too cool for school. You're taking the embarrassment of it and pretending like I'm stoked about it. It's like, nah, you want to though. It's like people that are proud to be fat. Yeah, exactly. Or like, I'm a Disney adult. I'm going to own this awful, shameful thing. Yeah. You should be ashamed and you're going to own it. I walked into this place and if you're a 5X, you could fit fine.

And you get a flick fire in the booth and they will give you a chair if you want with arms on it. Do you know that I even don't like it when people order things well done? Yeah. Like if you order a steak well done, I'm like, come on. Don't be a chicken. The thing is that it's a tell. Take the risk. The person's revealing something. That's what it is.

When somebody says, I want this well-done beef, you go like, oh, you don't know how to eat this. You're telling everybody that I don't have any type of palate for what this is. So you might as well order something else. Right, order the chicken. You could chew on rubber from the fucking parking lot. Yeah.

Well, yeah, because like the meat flavor lives in a certain bandwidth, right? And it's usually between like pretty rare to kind of medium. So you retain what the flavor of that meat is. Once you go over that, once you start getting into like very well done meat,

You lose what it is that meat tastes like. So if you go, I want it like that. It's like, oh, you don't like meat. Right. Don't eat the meat. Don't waste the money on it. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. Get fettuccine Alfredo or whatever. I know. It's so embarrassing. Or some toast or something, man. You know, why don't you just eat toast for dinner?

Does ejaculation break your fast? If a person has an orgasm and they ejaculate, does it break your fast? Well, there are different situations. First and foremost, masturbation. If you masturbate and you ejaculate because of it, your fast is broken because masturbation is an intentional act.

that you're supposed to not do. It's haram outside Ramadan and definitely during Ramadan you're not allowed to do it. Okay, what about if you ejaculate as a result of a wet dream? That's fine because it wasn't intentional. What about if you ejaculate due to thoughts that came to your mind or you saw something unintentionally and as a result of it you lost control of yourself and you ejaculated? Again, it's not a problem if it wasn't intentional. But if you're intentionally bringing these thoughts to your mind or intentionally looking at things that you shouldn't and you came and ejaculated as a result of it, then that is something that will break your fast.

- It's good to know. First of all, I've never looked at something and then been like, oh God, I'm gonna come. It doesn't really work like that. So I think whoever's telling you that has lied to you.

The final thing is, what about intercourse and intimacy? A lot of people think that if they enter inside of their wife during intercourse, but they don't ejaculate, then the fast hasn't broken. No. For intercourse, it's not about ejaculation. The man's private part entering inside the woman's private part is enough to break the fast. Even if only the head, if up to the head of the male's private part enters inside of her, the fast is broken. Guys, do not break your fast through these dumb things like masturbation and whatnot. The one who breaks his fast is worse than the person who does zina, fornicates. It's worse than the

thief it's worse than a person who drinks alcohol or by you know other standards takes drugs it's worse than all of that it's a major sin may Allah bless you protect your fast damn protect your fast it's Ramadan yeah that's crazy wow

Did I send you that clip, Josh Solo? That means that people, I love that dudes are like, okay, so here's, check this shit out, right? I just put the head in the other day and I'm like, still good? Yeah. And they're like, no, dude. Always looking for technicalities. The Catholics do the same. I didn't know, man. I didn't know. Yeah. Well, let's maybe. I didn't know. I did not know that you can't ejaculate

during Ramadan. I didn't know either. During the daytime out. But he's just talking about the daytime because when you break the fast at sundown, you have your dinner and you can come. I guess. After. We didn't get into all that. Dinner. Yeah, don't break your fast, he said. So the fasting is just the daylight hours. So that's in the window. So you're basically like you're being celibate, you're fast, you know, you're restricting yourself, abstaining on all those things. So you should come and eat breakfast at like 5 a.m. and then you're good for the day.

Yeah. And then that's it. You gotta wake up your broad early. Hey, wake up. Yeah. I gotta get this out. Yeah. Allah wants you to bust your nuts before. And she's like, I'm fucking half asleep. Like, I don't need you to be awake. Just lay there. Yeah. Um, so this, this will help cleanse the palate. Here we go. I'm going to scan. No. I don't know if you know that it, what that is. I don't know how to explain it. So, um,

okay please so i'm just gonna okay go ahead sorry i must be nervous because i'm on a camera yeah i'll do that again okay okay one more time here we go you can edit videos

*laughs*

I like this song. Yeah. Somebody's got to remix this. Yeah.

Hey, I didn't think... Hey, moral myth, you killed that shit. We were all bobbing our heads here. You can scat, girl. That was dope. I didn't think I would like it. I love scat. Yeah. Shit is fun, man. So I thought scat was only skibbity bop, but like jazz scat? I mean, that's just Ron Lane. I didn't know that. But baby, there's so many different places you can go with this.

You know what we need to do? What? You and I need to release a scat album. Oh, that's cool. All scat. We had recorded...

The Meow Mix. Remember the Meow Mix? Of course. And we held on to that. I got it. I got it. So Tom and I went into a sound booth in Burbank. With Sarah Burns. With Sarah Burns, the great actor, about a decade ago. More. More. And we spent money to meow songs. And the engineer was like, the fuck is going on?

I mean, we walked out of there and he was like, I don't know what you're doing. And we were like, take it from the top.

We did careless whisper as careless whisker. Yeah, careless whiskers. And then you would do the lower meows. And then we did a meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow.

Yeah. This was like a real sound guy. It was like a real Rick and T.D. It was like $100 an hour or something for this engineer. And we're like, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Okay.

We'll put both of those albums out. They deserve to be out. Oh yeah. I'll find the meow mix. It's somewhere. Gosh, it is somewhere. Yeah. Please. Somebody make that into a song. All right. Let's take a quick, quick within. Yeah.

Oh, that's a good mashup. Machines within. Yeah, it's talent. All the collabs, man. All the collabs. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and joining us for the first time. It's crazy to me, this is for the first time. You can see his new special, Uncancelable, live from the Comedy Mothership. It's out now on YouTube. It's David Lucas, everybody. Thanks.

What's up, y'all? David. Thanks for coming in, man. Of course, man. This is very exciting. Of course, so exciting. We've been big fans of yours since we met you, honestly. That's crazy. I've been a fan of Fat Tom. Yeah, sure. And that's who I want to be one day. I want people to remember the fat me. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, that's the in-shape David. Bring back Fat David. Yeah, Fat David was so much funnier. Yeah, he's funnier, more relatable. I know how that goes. No, but like I...

I remember meeting you. I met you here, right? I met you in Austin. I think that's where we met. Vulcan, I remember. Vulcan on Kill Town. Right, that was before the club was built. So it's been a few years, but you're one of my favorite guys to watch. And I'll tell you why, and this is genuinely true, is that I think the thing that's most fun about

whether you're watching a movie, reading a book, or watching someone do stand-up, it's always the element of surprise. The best things when you watch stand-up are, oh, I didn't see that coming. And you do that all the time. And it's like, because I can tell you my act right now, and if I was starting it, you'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then the one where you're like, I didn't see that coming, that's what's exciting. It's fun to be surprised sometimes.

And you're full of surprises, man. - Yeah, man. I embrace controversy. - Yeah, you do. - Especially after this George Floyd thing. Yeah, I embrace it now. - Well, give people some background, 'cause some people who will be listening or watching won't know what that is. - On me? - Yeah, or just your reference of that, the George Floyd thing. - Oh, so I was doing a show at the Kansas City Funny Bone. There was a heckler that they wouldn't kick out for 40 minutes. - Isn't that fun?

So I told him he was black. I invited him on stage. I said, come on, bro. It's been 30 minutes. Come on stage. At this point, just bring your ass on stage. Wouldn't come on stage. So I said, you're showing all these good white people why George Floyd got his neck nailed on. I take it there, Tom. Yeah, I know you do. I know you do.

So the groans happened. I'm like, I'm just kidding. I would have never nailed on George Floyd's neck. I would have shot him. And then people are like, oh, hell. That's when some of the older black people are like, oh, hell no, man. We're getting the fuck up out of here. They got out of there. So I'm like this. If the ship is sinking, I'm going to sink this bitch faster. I think that's a natural instinct. So I went on to say, I like Kyle Rittenhouse, too. You want to hear them jokes? And then later on, I said, uh.

oh yeah and for all you people leaving i'm doing a show next week for the clan for 30 000. so who gives a about your 35 ticket i was just going in yeah you went in yeah but you know um a person who i thought was uh like a big brother to me deal hugely posted that video and he like clipped it all up to make it seem very very bad yeah and that's when the world lost their mind and he posted it

And like he detached himself away from me. All you guys text me, checked on me. And it's like, God damn, the person, like one of the first people I used to watch doing comedy. Cause I remember Dio Hughley from the first Prince show is now detaching himself away from me and even went on his radio show and act like he didn't know me.

When I was in Philly, he asked me to come on the road with him. Oh, wow. Right. And I'm like, what? I was like, that hurt a lot. You know what I'm saying? If anybody I look up to, like I look up to y'all, you know what I'm saying? I look up to Rogan. Like if anybody would have detached themselves away from me. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, you know, it hurts. Well, because we all I mean, also like we all get in these things like in part of like live performing is that you're going to end up everyone's going to end up saying something that you could say, label it whatever you want. You either go it's it's inflammatory or it's regrettable or it's it's over the whatever it is. But you have these these happen in in live moments. Like I was telling I did bottom of the barrel last night.

And somebody, one of the things I pulled out was like, what's the most awkward moment you've had on stage? So I was like, awkward? Jesus. And I told a story about like just going in on these two hecklers one time, these chicks. And one was drunk and I called her a pig. And like the whole fucking room fell apart. And then she fell over the table. Drunk? Yeah. Wow. But like if...

You know, there's people who are at that show who I'm sure were like, this guy is a horrible person, right? And they hate me. But if other comedians bail on you for these moments... Not cool. I don't know, man. We're in this battle together. I think you're supposed to just be like, I know...

I know what it is that's happening. Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me it was fucked up. Also, doesn't he have your number? Or he could have just reached out one-on-one. He can get your number and he can talk to you and ask what happened. I wanted to post the screenshots from when I performed with him and he reposted me for my birthday.

Really? It was, it's like, what the fuck? Yeah, those things, I mean, but obviously, but then you went on, I saw you went on Willie D's show, right? Yeah. He was like, this is fucked up, right? Was he like mad? Off air, Willie D was, he thought I was very intelligent. Yeah. First of all. And then he said, the next day, that's the best thing

interview i've ever did yeah because it was a respectful banter yeah sure you give me your viewpoint yeah you know i'm not here to change yours and you're definitely not going to change mine yeah i see it the way that i see it and i feel that why are we attaching emotions to a joke yeah like that was my whole thing like this race man i'm just sick of it and if we just all act as human beings which we really are instead of dividing each other by race like because i told him

I said, if I would have made a OJ Simpson killing Nicole joke, fucking black people would have been all over the floor. But now I talk about George Floyd, who I understand. I understand the emotional part. But part of healing over pain is laughing. Yeah. Like I talk about shit that was traumatic to me as a child.

And now I joke about it where when I was a teenager, you used to fuck me up and possibly make me question my sexuality. Like, am I gay when this shit happened to me when I was a kid? So it was just like once you heal over like I'm over it. Like, I don't want to sit there and be sad about slavery or sit there and continue to mope and be sad about George Floyd. Let's joke about it. That's your way of doing it. That's my way of coping. Like my dad died in November. I have jokes about because I had him cremated.

I have jokes about I take his ashes to do all the things that I wanted to do when I was a kid. That's amazing. So when is it too far? Because you didn't know my dad. He's dead. And I joke about carrying his ashes with me. Like what's too far? You can't tell me what's too far.

I agree with you. I mean, look, everybody, ultimately, everybody has their own line. And that's fine. Like, you can have your line and I can have mine. And I think my thing is like, people are like, well, what's your line? Most of the time I go, I don't know. And then maybe I think of something and I go, well, I'm not really feel like I need to like share my own. But I also feel like

If I see something that I go, oh, that doesn't sit well, I just fucking keep it to myself. Yeah. And I just go like, yeah, okay, I didn't like that. So what? So what? I don't have to announce it to everybody. But don't you think, too, the audience helps you find the line? Audiences do, guys. We don't know if the joke is too much because we're fucked up in the head. Yeah. I have so much more fucked up shit in my head than I actually project on stage. So I don't know...

that is too far until I tell it and I see the audience's reaction. Yeah. Or you have to just tweak it or rework it a bit to make it more palatable to their minds.

And that takes time. There was a joke. I hope Adam doesn't kill me for this, but there was a joke I did. I enjoyed the joke. I enjoyed doing it. You know, it split the room. I'd say a quarter of the people would laugh and other people would be like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? But Adam was like, David, come on, man. David, we can't have that. You can't do that anymore here, bro. Come on.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also, you've also found, like, part of, like, I think developing as a stand-up is you figure out, like, your lane. I know where I am. Yeah, you know your lane, dude. Your lane is, like, you do...

You go for it. You like to say fucked up shit. Yeah. I'm not a TV comic. No. But thank God that shit's kind of done, bro. That's also, yeah. That was a big deal when we were coming up. You should have clean. Hell yeah. You should have seven minutes, five minutes clean so you can go on the Tonight Show or whatever. And like bookers, club owners, whatever.

managers they'd be like you know you really should work on developing yeah working on your clean act and of course here we all years later we never did that and never amen yeah you're here because people come up to me and this is more money this is more than money can it's like that self-fulfillment you get people come up to me after shows and like bro

You say what we want to say. Yeah. Yeah. But we can't because we have jobs. Yeah. And I appreciate you for keeping it honest and truthful. I'm like, bro, you know, just keep supporting me. Yeah. Because I'll never be on a fucking TV show. Yeah. So the only way I am going to be able to make money is from YouTube and less...

TV gets so bad, they gotta put a motherfucker like me on. I mean, I've... I bought a Super Bowl commercial with neck tattoos, so. - That's cool. - So you can. Look, it's all changing, the landscape is changing. And that is the function of the comic, to say things that you can't say in polite society.

We had Louis C.K. on here and I loved what he said about polite speech. He goes, there is a place in society for polite speech. It's a necessary thing. You're not getting paid to provide more polite speech. And I was like, oh my God, that's exactly the function. It's a release. That's what a show is. Because behind closed doors, that's how people talk. When they feel safe,

And there's no repercussions. And that's the job. That's the gig. That's what podcasting, I think, has become so popular. How the fuck are you going to watch the morning show with Kathy and fuck nuts? When you're in your car and your windows are up and your doors are locked and you're like, God, there's black people and I'm terrified. I got this new joke I do about because, you know, like I'm leaning into the whole...

people who try to cancel me from the George Floyd shit. So I got this new joke where I talk about walking around at all times with $1,000 and fives in my pocket and just in case a group of black people try to rob me, I'll throw that shit in the air like bird seeds. I said I'll be like the bird lady on Home Alone 2. Like, hey, that's what you want. Leave me alone. Look at that, look at that.

That's a fucked up joke. You hate black people. They call me a white supremacist. I said I wish I was white, motherfucker. If I was white, shit, then I'd have 10 S-Corps right now. I wouldn't be paying no taxes, motherfucker. You're such a unique dude in this because I think part of, like I said, surprise. Surprise also...

Part of the surprise is the packaging. Like you're this big black dude. And so people, you know, they just make an assumption. They look at you and they're like, oh, he's going to think like this. Right. And so that's part of the kind of the fun of discovering you as a stand up. Right. Is you're like, oh, OK, like I know what this guy is going to say. And then it's like it's totally flipped on its head. You know what's you know what's crazy?

Since the George Floyd thing, I've got way more black supporters. Really? That's interesting. Black people come into my show and they're telling me, we're tired of society telling us how to think. Yeah. Because that's what happens. And that's like, I get a lot of flack because just so happens. I grew up around a lot of white people. Yeah. You grew up in Macon, Georgia? Yes, sir. Okay. My daddy's Hispanic. My mom is black.

I grew up around a shit ton of white people. Rednecks. Like, people who the mainstream media would tell you is supposed to kill me. I grew up around motherfuckers with, you know, Confederate flags on their belt buckles. Rifle racks. That's just how it is in the making. You even got black guys. Like, I know a shit ton of black boys who wear Confederate flags. So with that, where was I going? Are black people saying they're tired of the media telling them how to think? Like...

I've always been comfortable around white people. My grandmama had a white father. So it was like, I had white family members. Like you can't tell me that white people are racist. I think that's old school talk. And I think it's an easy thing to use as a scapegoat. Kind of like being trans. You can say, oh, the white man's keeping me down. That's an easy way just to accept failure. And I like, I'll get on a soapbox at my shows and I'm like, look,

I'm a 5'11", 350-pound black man with hand tattoos, neck tattoos, and two baby mamas. Everything about me should be racially profiled. According to y'all, when I get pulled over, I should be shot by the cops. Why don't I get shot by the cops? Because I have respect. My mom from an early age taught me

how to make it back home to her. Baby, when the police pull you over, roll your windows down, turn your radio off, turn your car off, put your hands on the steering wheel. If you know a police officer is already on edge, why not do these things? I'm not combative.

I have white friends, by the way, who are super combative with cops. And I'm like, God, like, like we'll be walking down the street and one of my white friends is like this fucking asshole. I'm like, dude, you don't even know who this guy is yet. They must not own stuff. Yeah. Yeah. They're actually, they're not. I love the cops. They got all the shit. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good one. I'm terrified of the cops. I'm always like, act cool. You? They pull me over. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I was terrified. Don't get put over in that sweater. They're going to fucking give you a police escort home. Oh, Miss Christina, we're so sorry. Do you want us to follow you? No, I'm scared. But maybe it's because I grew up in Los Angeles where I...

- The cops were just scary. - Oh yeah, you are from LA. - I grew up in LA and I saw Rodney King. - You grew up in a different time. - Yeah, and I saw the, yeah, the Rampart Division and the Rampart cops. And I guess I'm just, 'cause they got such a bad rap in LA that I'm like, don't fucking, don't talk to the cops, dude. - Can you admit that LA was better when the police were profiling people?

Don't you fucking talk to me about this shit. You know what I can talk to you about? I can talk to you about women's shit. Don't be scared. This is your show. I can talk about women's shit. And I feel similarly to the women's stuff that you do, where it's like, okay, look, I agree. At one time, women couldn't get credit cards. I get it. We couldn't leave the house. We couldn't do these things. Black people could vote before women. Right.

Right. But then also there's a time where you're like, okay, it's 2024. Things are pretty great now. It's like, at what point are you just not taking ownership of your volition of your life? You know, like I'm a female comic. I started about 20 years ago. Nobody wanted to hear us fucking talk, but I don't care. I ignored it. And I was like, that's okay. One day they will fucking hear me talk. You're one of the few I can actually listen to. Oh, thanks buddy. That's a compliment. There's like three of y'all.

Every time I hear a fucking white female comic, I'm like, here we go. It's the same thing we were saying about you. It's the worst. Right? Where you go, I know what they're going to say. You know what it's going to be. I'm like, all right, here it comes. They're going to tell me they're on fucking meds. Yeah. All right, tell me. You in the Trader Joe's today, bitch? It's like the same shit. Talk about your fucking dog more, bitch. Yeah, yeah.

I call that white girl type of comedy, I call it podcast comedy. Oh, where it's like, it's almost like a, oh, here's what's going on in my life. It's not really like bits. There's no punches. Yeah. Well, my thing, I always get annoyed when I see cute, cute, young, single female comics and they're like, I can't get a date or I can't get a boyfriend. And you're like, yes, you can. They can. Anybody can get laid. But anybody can get laid. They can get fucked. They can't get committed to because they're insane. Yeah.

What's wrong with a female comic to where you're doing comedy? I fucked one female comic and it almost made me turn gay. That bitch was using me in punchlines. I'm like, look, ho, I'm going to send you a cease and fucking desist. If you tell another shit, at least make the joke good, bitch. But I mean, I think for me, I never enjoyed the stuff that went with being a girl growing up. I don't think it... How do I put this?

You didn't like being a girl growing up? No. Y'all got it easy. Like, if I sit down in the pee, it's gay. It is gay. Yeah. Sometimes it feels good. I think I always liked what the boys were doing anyway. Do you know what I mean? I always, like, I guess I'd be considered, like, a tomboy. She told me this one time, and you've told me many times since, and ever since you said this, I go, oh, this makes a lot of sense to me, which is that whenever...

there's groups together. Like whenever men and women are together, she goes, you're hanging out with the guys. And because she's a comedian, she's like, that's all, you're having the fun chats. That's all the laughs. Like, she's like, I'm at these parties.

And I'm hanging out with the girls and I want to fucking kill myself. She goes, I want to go over where you guys are because I want to laugh and I want to like shoot the shit. Like tell jokes and not talk about shopping and like stuff. That's because secretly when women get together, y'all all hate each other. Well, I'll tell you why that is. I'll tell you why that is. Because we're so, I think so new to, for instance, this is an interesting conversation. I had a great talk with Whitney Cummings the other day.

And that's my baby. Yeah, that's never happened, right? It has just, I'm saying in recent years, meaning that there's enough female comics of a certain level where we can call each other for business advice. It's just never happened before. This is the first generation that we can do that. So why y'all don't call Roseanne? Well, I call Roseanne. I love her. I grew up with her. I love her. First conversation with Roseanne, she's like, they're all trying to kill us. I'm like, what the fuck?

But we're all mentally ill. I'm not saying we all are. It's just like, who's going to function more? Who can be more functional, I guess. Well, you're both kind of saying the same thing in that you don't want to be monolithic. As a woman and as a black person, everybody just goes, well, you're a woman, so you'll be like this. You're going to talk about the same bullshit. I hate the word black. You can call me a negro. Okay.

I know. Okay. I read you called me a black. Oh, Jesus Christ. That sounds better, right? Oh, my God. Nigga with an A-H? David Lucas. I'm just playing. Call me black. But don't you feel, David, that I think you and I are similar in that I don't pigeonhole myself as a woman, as a white lady. None of this stuff fucking matters to me because the human experience is more layered and nuanced.

And when I'm out there, I want to transcend that label. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't look at you as a white lady. What do you look at her as?

A woman. Because you don't have. A woman. You don't have typical white woman behavior. Yeah, that's true. I don't know how you are at home. You could be a white woman at home. Yeah. But every time I see you, you remind me more of like a Italian. Oh, yeah. You have some flavor to you. Yeah, she got some. Little Euro flavors. Like if I use the word Karen. Yeah. And I had to like draw 10 pictures, I wouldn't draw your picture. Yeah.

That's a nice compliment. Thank you. That's a massive compliment, David. Yes, thank you. Yeah, but you don't like to be pigeonholed either. Don't you like... I've always assumed that one thing that would irritate... Is this cool? Of course. Yeah, of course. That would irritate if I were black would be like when somebody goes, oh, black people feel this way. So they assume that like if one guy's opinion is this, they're like, that serves for everybody. And you're like, yeah, no, there are different...

and opinions within a group of people. You don't just get one and go, that's what it is. Now, are you, cause you mentioned earlier, was it a joke or are you seriously doing, cause I know they've done this before. So that's why I thought it might be real. Are you doing a show for the Klan? No, but. No, they do. I would. They'll hire, they've hired, like there's that famous,

piano player. You know what I'm talking about? That keyboard player, that guy? That black dude. I forget his name. I'll do a show with the Klan. I had a run-in with the Klan when I was a kid. In Macon? Murrow County. What happened? I was riding my dirt bike and it stalled out at a Klan rally. It stalled out at a Klan rally? They didn't know it was a Klan rally. That sounds like a fucking movie, dude. They helped me out. They helped me get it unstuck. Really? They told me to get out of here. They didn't kill me. That's cool. Well, I mean, I'm here, you know. They didn't kill me.

but they helped you out yeah they got it unstuck and them white sheets never got dirty they didn't kill me they were fully in uniform no they weren't they were just like out there and you could tell by the decor it might not have been the Klan it might have just been like white supremacists oh Jesus Christ I don't want it you don't want what it was me no white supremacists I'm good I'm good they might be alright they're not alright David it's not alright

All right. What do you know about it? I don't know. I don't know about it. I'm telling you, I grew up in the big city, La Salle. There's no fucking claim there that I know of. How can you oppose something that you don't know about? Oh, no, no, no.

No, that's me. That's my comedy. No, but I because I don't need I don't believe that anybody's supreme over another race. This is silliness. Well, at the end of the day, what you were just saying that there is no such thing as race. There is. So then why? Why am I going to say that? I say there's no such thing as racism. Racism. Oh, well, look, I don't believe in racism. But there's an argument that the Klan would say, oh, we don't we're not racist. We just believe that we want to preserve the white culture. Right. That's what I don't have a problem with that, because how many

Okay. But then why are they beating people up and hurt? That part makes me sick when they hurt people. I don't know why they do that. That stuff is not cool. What they believe in, keeping the white race white. Okay. I mean, it's not that I'm like, all right, yeah, man, go out here and be a white supremacist. But it's like, if that's what you see fit, do it. That's your decision. That's your thing. I agree in freedom of speech, freedom of everything. I've been on plenty of dates where,

with black women and one of their first questions is, "You ever date a white girl?" And I'm like, "Why?" They're like, "Cause if you have, I can't fuck with you." I'm like, "What?" - Really? - Really? Why is that? They don't like the white girls? - That's what I'm saying. Some black people believe in keeping blacks pure. - That's okay. - But we see like mixing black and white turns out pretty good when you look at like Steph Curry and fucking Blake Griffin. It's not, you get the best of both. - I mean, look at Eni. It's fucking handsome.

Smart. And Filipino. Best of all the above. I know that dang Alain, look.

Let me see it right quick. I be telling people to whoop, whoop, they shit out all the time. Let me see that Asian dick. Oh my God. Let me see that spring roll. He's a no-jitty, but he says that he's got no problems down there. He always tells us. I don't believe that. I'll look at it. I'll look at it. See? Nigga, what? What?

I'm with mine now. I'm not ashamed. I have a fucking... I believe you, but nah. I ain't gonna do that. You scary ass nigga. Will you film the scatting video? Oh yeah, sure. Do you want to set this up for him? Yeah, do you know what scatting is? That's right. That's right. Okay, so you know what that sounds like? Do you think this is talent? I'm gonna scat.

I don't know if you know what that is. I don't know how to explain it. So, sorry. So I'm just gonna Skype. Go ahead. You can edit this part out of the video. You know when you... Hang in there. Hang on, baby. Just stay in there. Stay in the game. I'll do that again. One more time. Okay.

*Badass music*

All right, your thoughts. It's gender neutral scatting. That scatting doesn't offend anybody. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true. Gender neutral. That was, yeah, that's really cool. I'm glad we found it. But why do we start liking it? Because at first you're like, oh, this is going to suck. Because the kid looks like they have tism. And I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl. What a dad. Dope.

What is it? Was it male or female? I guess you're right. It's that it's so banal the way that this is. Oh, yeah. You can't hate this. It's almost like, all right. But then it's catchy. But then they catch a rhythm. She stayed on beat. Yeah. They then stayed on beat. They did stay on beat. They did. Yeah. We've all been singing it in the hallway.

but you have to do it dead like yeah it's simplistic it's very simplistic it's like this is the Beethoven of trap rap oh yeah like if you think about like how simplistic like and you listen to music now like that's very simple it's easy listening yeah like I put that on on a loop to fall asleep oh yeah that's a good idea

It's not too much. You just took me there for a minute. I pictured myself falling asleep to it. And I was like, oh, dude, that's soothing as shit. Now, let me show you this. I played this earlier and Christina didn't like it. Oh, come on, man. I love this fucking shit. I'm probably going to love it because she won't even put her hand in the air like Hitler. Hey, baby. It's time to play your favorite game. How wet can I get the pussy? Ready to play how wet can I get the pussy, baby? Yeah.

You probably want to play How Many Times Can I Make You Come, huh? That's the game you want to play, huh? I think he's got the tism to. Nah, I like him. Can I get the pussy first? He look like he burned his hot dogs. How Many Times Can I Make You Come?

I like this guy. See, I do too. Yeah. You imagine how obnoxious he'll be when you get him drunk? Oh, man. Yeah. Who want they pussy drenched in here? She said every woman hates this. Oh, yeah. He's definitely that nigga in the club, like when women walking by where he's like sticking his crotch out a little extra when you're walking by, trying to get his dick rubbed on by a booty. He's that. He'll wear my hood, that ass nigga. Wear my hood.

Where my hood look at? There's always that guy in every office too. Yeah, the hood guy. Shoulder rubs. Cigars. He's smoking cigars. He lives in a cheap apartment. Yeah, yeah. I don't like that. Yes.

- The ceiling and the doors. - That's what I'm saying, he's got a lot of confidence for that cheap ass apartment. - Yeah, but he eat that pussy good. - Did he say eat the pussy? - He just wants to get it wet. - He wants to make it wet and he wants to see how many times I can cum, but he didn't mention eating my pussy. - He looks about 41, 42. - It's a hard 41, 42. - I don't think he has the money for the good type of Cialis. So that dick probably weak.

So he probably eat the hell out of some, I eat the hell out of some pussy because I'm big. I don't, I like to fuck for about seven, eight minutes. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Eat that pussy for half an hour. It don't matter what you pull out your pants at that point. That's true. You give her a soft dick. You can have mediocre dick when you eat pussy for 30 minutes. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm just wondering if there is a guy out there that could say those things to me where I'd be like, yeah, dude, you're married. So why are you thinking like that?

Because it's a podcast. I'll fucking beat any nigga. I love you and Tom together. I'll beat any nigga up that I see looking at your fur twice. Thank you so much. I appreciate you, man. You ain't getting half of that man shit. I'd be down. Hell no. I'm not going anywhere, David. Are you married yet? Are you going to get married? I don't believe in marriage. No? No, not right now. See, y'all think it's different, bro. These hoes nowadays are scandalous, man. Yeah. These women want to be paid to be in a relationship.

It's crazy. And it's like, come on, girl. I know how I look. I accepted that a long time ago and I have a belly and yes, I'm going to put it on your clit and it's going to give you the best orgasm you've ever had. Like fucking friction is what does it. You put that fucking belly. If she got a fupa, it's even better. You know, all that fucking noise and clapping sound like seals applauding. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You know, seals out there. Imagine a room full of seals just clapping at the same time. Yeah, it's beautiful. Now, do you think it's because of women like the Sprinkle Sprinkle lady on TikTok? Fucking Sprinkle Sprinkle. You don't know Sprinkle Sprinkle? I try not to be on TikTok. She's doing what you're saying where she's telling women, like, you have to get your money. Like, there's no such thing as love. Men don't really love you. Just make sure he's got a wallet. We do love.

No, I'm not. I don't say I agree with her. I'm just saying that's the popular thing on like TikTok with younger women is, hey, just get the paper. Just you basically use men. I think a lot of girls grew up in the social media era and they don't understand finances. That's why I love Kevin Samuels so much.

I mean, who are you telling it to? He's our God here. And JLP, Jessalee Peterson. Of course, he's been on the show too. I know, I saw it. I watched him talking about that slave plantation. I'll be there. I actually got a new joke. I'll get back to the woman thing. I got a new joke. I'm like, you got to, it gets the crowd a little, you know, it gets them. I'm like, you got to think that white people did have mercy on us because they made us pick cotton, one of the lightest natural substances out there.

you can get a trash bag full of cotton and it's not even heavy. I said, if white people were me, they would have made us pick shit like watermelons. And I go, you ever try to put a watermelon in your grocery cart? But no, women live in...

in this social media society. So you can make your life look however you want it to look. That's true. And I don't think they understand true finances. Like a woman who's out there just trying to like land guys, like bag a dude because they say they want the six figure guy. And it's like when you ask them how many men in the world make. I mean, you know, we're lucky we're comedians. You know, public speaking is the fastest way to become rich outside of real estate.

So when you ask them, how many guys in America make over a quarter of a million dollars? It's not a lot. It's like 7% of the population, I believe. So it's like you're battling. And how many women are out here? You're battling for 7%.

When you can go get a fucking guy who got forklift driving license and live down in fucking San Marcos, Texas and got a fucking three, two house for 1800 square foot. And he can get you a nice car every five to six years and live a good life. Right.

But y'all want the jewelry wearing, Mercedes driving dudes when that's all fake. It's a facade. So a lot of girls I go on dates with, they come into it with this kind of like, what can you do for me attitude. And it's like, I can't do shit for you. Do they really lead with that? Is that actually overtly said? My first date is not going to be expensive.

I need to know that you're in it before I start spending money. Like we're going to go to a coffee shop, bitch. I'll bring you to a show. I drink for free. Yeah. Normally that'll like girls. One thing I've learned girls, like a man in power and me being who I am and y'all being who y'all are. We can go to a lot of places and not wait in lines, go to a restaurant and get a table immediately. And they love that. So it'll make them, you know, fall in love. Yeah. When you don't even, they're like, Oh my God, I'm,

Never had a man who can just come and do a table at a full restaurant. It's like, yeah, you know, people respect what we do and they're glad we brought this here to Austin. So it's like a lot of those things make girls fall for us and you don't, there's no, is the word I'm looking for, discernment? You don't get a chance to really like. Is there a thing too where like, because I mean, obviously like I'm far removed from what dating is like. How long y'all been married?

47, 557. No, it'll be 16 years. Amazing. See that? Yeah. But we met so poor and so young. And y'all grew together. Yeah. What's the odds of that? I don't know. Now that I see how much we've been through and grown and

Like, you're right. What are the fucking odds? What are the odds, Gene? We met in our 20s and we're still together. And it's like, Christina, if you do leave him, who the fuck you gonna date? Oh, never, David, no. That's what I'm saying. Like, hypothetically. Nobody. I'd be alone. I talk about it as if he, when he dies, because it's going to happen, you're going to die before me. I'm just going to live in Miami in my mansion and I'm going to have other ladies come live with me and then I'll just bang Puerto Rican dudes every now and then.

No, what the fuck are you saying? I'm from Miami. I will make sure that doesn't happen. He's dead, David. What am I supposed to do? I'm not going to love these guys. I didn't say that. Haunt her. They make too many sex toys for you to have to fuck anybody. And nobody's touching your money, babe. Nobody's getting their filthy paws. He'll leave it to me before he fucking lets you spend it on some fucking pool boy. Some fucking guy. Some waiter driving my cars. Can you imagine?

I'll hunt the shit out of y'all, nigga. Right before you climax, I'll jump over there. You'll be that guy? We're going to make you cum so many times. Yeah, my boy. There he is. She's a four. A ten. Whoa! Your face? Yes.

A 10. I'm always going to give myself a 10. I'm not going to ever give myself a 10. All right. So there we go right there, people. You see all the hearts people are losing? See, you can cap all you want to, but you're not an international supermodel. You're not an international. And I'm just trying to ask you, see, up until this point, I feel like you've been pretty reasonable. But now if you want to do that, I think we should probably end it because I don't play those games.

He's just the best. I'm doing something for a good reason. And I'm trying to be helpful. But, ma'am, you and Rihanna walk into the room, don't nobody confuse you. You're not a 10. You're not a 10. You're not a 10. But that's the point. But that's a 10. You're not a 10. Okay. Beautiful people. Ma'am, ma'am, we're talking about you. Okay. You've been you your entire life.

You call yourself an eight? Yes. No. If Sweetie is a six, I think... Sweetie's not a six. You're beneath that number. You're not above that number. I love him. That teaches you guys, you know, Kevin Samuels is a prime example of

When you're in your 50s, don't be out here fucking 20-year-old pussy. That's how he died. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's true. It was a combination of dick pills and Red Bull. Yeah. Is that what he did? He was drinking like fucking 20 Red Bulls a day, though. I didn't know that. The girl he died with was... Yeah, she's bad.

Nine. LA nine. Really? Yeah. In LA nine. That was like in, that was in his place. Yeah. That was a while ago now. He was the truth, man. That was my preacher. He was very, I mean, look, there was a lot of truth to it. It was also unbelievably funny. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. When he used to play that trombone song.

That's none of your business. I told you I was fat. Oh, okay. We don't play that shit on my channel. You get your big fat ass on somewhere. Don't deal with you big sassy ass broads. You think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass? Go knock yourself out.

But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be five, three and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you don't get a man to marry you. A high value man. So you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A or Popeye's. Yeah.

You imagine getting told off eloquently because of the words he used. That's my favorite tell off. I would be remiss. Get your two peas, two peas, Chick-fil-A. I used to follow him on frauds. Man, like, and then nobody can talk shit about him because the dude's in shape.

- No. - He's a nice looking guy. - Yeah. - I used to follow him on Instagram and one time he like, I guess it was his Ferrari or Lamborghini, some smaller two door car. And he took a video of it on his story. He said, "Big Shirley can't fit in this." It was so funny. - I tried to hit him up directly one time. I tried to get him on the show 'cause we were watching his clips so much. He didn't respond. I just messaged him and I was like, dude,

I think it's because I was like, we laugh so hard. And I think he was probably read it like, you laugh so hard. Like, you know, I was leading was like, what I get out of this is I'm entertained. Like, I think he actually had an agenda in that he was actually really trying to like help people. Yeah. You know, so I don't know. It just didn't work. I think he just made people look at themselves with a.

You got to look at yourself as an honest man. That's the whole, that was to simplify it completely. It was just that he was like, you want, you want a high value man? Like you were saying, he was like, well, what do you bring? And if he's like, if you have three kids and you're single and you make 30,000, he's like, what do you, what does these guys want with you? Right. Right. Like, yeah, I, I think men, we reached that level when we're like in high school. Yeah. We have to sit there and,

and really be honest with ourselves. Like, okay, do you play football? Yeah. You play football. You can get whoever the fuck you want, but if you don't play football, it's like, you got to really be honest and, you know, work out, do something, be smart, some shit to get the type of woman you want. And if you, if you do, if you can't get the type of woman you want, just get rich. Yeah. You can pay for it. Yeah, sure.

You can figure that out. If you figured that out in high school, you're ahead of the curve. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You'll be smart. You know what I'm saying? It's interesting because I was just telling Tommy, which I tell you a lot because I admire, is that I knew he, I mean, look, when we met, he was 23, broke as a joke. I was 26, broke as a joke. But there was in him a maturity. Mm-hmm.

and a drive and an intelligence that I was like, this guy is a fucking winner. I tell him all the time, he's a fucking winner. I mean, again, we didn't have two pennies to rub together, but I knew someday we would.

I don't know what to say. There's something about a man, even when he's young, that he has a drive and a vision and he's intelligent and he's going to make that shit happen. And you're already doing comedy at 23? I just started. Nice. L.A.? L.A. I didn't know I was going to do it. I moved there at 22. I was interning at a company and then I did the Groundlings, which is like the improv school. The gay stuff? The gay shit. Yeah, so gay. And then there was a couple stand-ups in my improv class. Oh, wow. And they were like, you should try stand-up. And that's how I started. Where they at now?

Well, um, one of them is actually a pretty successful television writer that one of the comics and then the other one, Sam Tripoli. So Sammy is, uh, Sam was in, he was in my class. Yeah. He was in my improv class. When did he turn conspiracy theorist junkie? Uh,

- That was probably sometime in the last decade. I love asking him about it though. - Sam is so funny, I love Sam. - He's hilarious. - I love to just talk to him. - Hey bro. - And he took me, like, he was so nice. I've always, I've told this before, but he was like, you should try stand up bro. I could just tell you should try stand up. And I was like, I don't know what to do. You know what I mean? When you're like, well, what do I do? And he was like, well, come watch me. So we drove around one night and I watched him do spots. Like he did a spot.

at a bar, he did a spot at another book show, then at the club. So he was like, it's like this. Because I actually needed to see, how do you do spots? I didn't know what that really even meant. I watched him do it. And then the other guy, the writer who was doing stand-up a lot then, he walked me into a place. And he introduced me to the booker of this little bar show as a comic. He's like, he's a comic. And she was like, oh yeah, you want to do a spot next week? And I was like, yeah, sure. I'd never done stand-up. He's a bomb.

No, I didn't bomb. I did like, I mean, in retrospect, it's mediocre. Right. But I got a couple laughs. Enough where you're like, oh, I want to do this again. Right, right. It's a drug. It's a drug. It's totally a drug. I can't stop, man. Fuck. Yeah. I have it on tape somewhere. I have it.

Your first time? At my very first set on tape. What venue? At the Good Bar. That was Good Bar? Oh my God. Good Bar. What was that? It was on Sunset. It no longer exists. It's at the line on Sunset right before West Hollywood turns into Beverly Hills. It was called the

but good bar on the north side of Sunset. Is it that bar that's now the two-story bar? It might be. I don't even know. Right before it becomes Beverly Hills. It's like the corner. Like the strip ends, and it goes right into Beverly Hills. It was right there. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I miss LA. Y'all miss it? Yeah. There's parts of it that I really miss. I mean, first of all, I think just that long in a city, you just have a certain...

I got so many emotional ties to that city. Yeah. Cause I moved to LA straight out of high school. Oh, you did? Yeah. I moved there straight out of college. I pretty much became a man in LA, bro. Yeah. Yeah.

you became a man it's crazy christina i feel like i'm man but do you still go back yeah my kid lives there i have to i have one kid in l.a one kid in miami oh okay perfect you're by coastal worst bro yeah jesus because i either have to like when i get my kids i'm like all right i gotta pay somebody mama to fly with them because i'm not flying to miami then flying to la then flying back to austin yeah that's a lot

- So normally what I would do, because I live in, I got a place in Georgia too, and normally that's where we'll spend the summers, 'cause my place here is a fucking apartment. Downtown, there's nothing for my kids to do. And out in Georgia we got acres and shit, so it's-- - Awesome. - Somewhere for them to be for the summer. - That's nice. - You get along pretty well with the moms?

Here's what I would say, man. When you do what you're supposed to do, you have no baby mama issues. When you pay your money, both of my kids in private school, like they couldn't, I'm not there a lot because I'm on the road, but it's like,

When you do what you're supposed to do for your kids, I don't think you'll have any issues. Like, what are they going to say? Yeah. What can they say? Sure. That's true. I'm not an absentee father. Every fucking, like, when I do the East Coast, I fly down to see my daughter. When I do the West Coast, I go over there to see my other daughter. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's good, man. That's true. So, the only time my mom had me yell at my dad is when the child support was late.

Yeah, I had to call him and be like, Dad. That's all these women care about. That's all they want. I know. So fucked up. My baby mama in LA, she's like, when are you going to book a movie? Really? Yeah, she's like, because I just need a chunk of money. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? She's like, I just need like $100,000. I'm like, damn, bitch. I'm like, you'll never get that. You will never. Yeah.

When are you going to book a movie? You're like, oh, you want to see me do movies? No, I want a big chunk of change. Yeah, she don't give a fuck about my career. Oh, bro, when the George Floyd shit happened, she was so terrified. She's like, are you getting canceled? She's like, what's happening? Are your shows going to stop? I'm like, no. I said, if anything, it's going to help. You don't have anything to worry about. Your checks will still come. She's like, oh, OK, OK, everything's cool. You want to see the other side of dating coaching? Yeah, for sure.

You do not have to accept her rejection. I'm a professional dating coach and I teach guys how to understand the female mind. Now, if you're one of the people that haven't applied anything in my course or my videos or anything like that, this video is not for you. This is an advanced technique. This is for the people that have the course, have my videos, fucking are applying it, seeing results.

And eventually I'm going to put this in the course. I just don't have the time right now. So I'm releasing it now. You don't have to accept her rejection. Now, here's an example. I was talking to a girl and she said, oh, you know, I'm not really interested. And I, instead of just going, okay. And then just turning that way, I did this. Why would you not be interested in me? I'm the best. Absolutely the best. And she's like, oh, how? I'm like, well, you'd have to come over in my house to find out. And you'd also have to be okay with kink. And you'd also have to be okay with my mastery of the ropes and the fact that I have multiple women and

Actually, maybe, maybe not. He does not have multiple women. He wouldn't be the best for me. He does not. And now I did turn around at the end, but I could have left that part out and still got her to start bantering back and forth, and she did. I'll tell you who... She started going back and forth with me, and I started building attraction in that because now I had sidestepped her fucking rejection. Granted, keep in mind, I didn't force it. I didn't say, no, no, no, you're gonna... I just...

played into her little fucking game. I knew she was playing with me a little bit or just kind of disengaging and I gave her a little bit of fun. You want to know what I did with her later? He could have multiple women because he looks like one of those guys...

Who dresses up in those animal costumes and then they fuck each other. Yeah. There's just... The furries? Yes. This is a specific type of girl. Yes. Very broken, very insecure. What's the mystery? Where that guy mystery would tell them you fuck with them. Yeah, you go like, oh, you're not going to get your hair done? You're kind of ugly. You're not going to get your hair done? Yeah, your roots look kind of bad. Yeah. You know? Oh, you can't fuck with me. I got so many other bitches. And she goes, what?

Like very insecure. She's got to be very insecure. Yeah. All his, all his girls he fucked with have more than three cats. Yeah. This motherfucker looks like he got a peanut allergy, man. I wouldn't trust him. I know. I like how anybody can be like, I'm a dating coach. Yeah. And like Kevin did his, like you said, in a suit. Yeah. Nice set. He's like, I'm in my car. He's in a sheet. It's either a Toyota or a Honda. Yeah.

It's not fully loaded. Those don't look like leather seats. No. No sunroof. But he probably does. He bangs somebody for sure. He gets a certain type. The camera reimagined. It looks like a fucking Planet Fitness shirt. Yeah, that's a free shirt. He's in the back seat too. He's in the front seat. Is he? I think he's in the back seat. Or he's

Or he's just got the front seat really far back. But you're right. He cleans up at these like furry conventions or these comic con nerd gatherings. Yeah. He himself can pull off. I think he, like he, he knows how to banter. Yeah. I mean, this guy's confident enough to be like in, in the nerd circles. This guy is King for sure. Every girl that has cut marks on her wrist. Fucks with guys like this.

That's right. Goth chicks, probably. All the chicks who like that screamo music. Tina, are you ready to give it to them? Oh, yeah. I heard you bitches were looking for me. All right, you ready? What's happening? Christina curates...

The dark side of tech talk. Yeah. And it's a wild ride. It's an emotional ride. Yeah. Most people like the dancing and the singing. I like the fucked up shit. So this is for you. Yeah. So I think you and I are kindred spirits. I follow a lot of fucked up pages on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not Twitter. Tech talk.

Twitter's better because you'll see actual unaliving. Oh, that's deep. Yeah, I know what that is. I know unaliving from the top. Will you send me these Twitter things? You don't want to see this. Ah, yeah. Cartel videos. I'd like to see that.

As long as it's not children and animals. I don't do that. Oh, animals get fucked up too. I follow a page called, I think it's something of the wild, where it shows when the animals be catching prey and shit. That's cool. I like that. That shit's cool. I like that. That's the shit you dreamed of when you used to watch Nat Geo. You're like, how come they don't show them fucking ripping? Yeah, I want to see animals having sex. Yeah, I want to see them fucking getting down. I do want to see penguin sex. Penguin sex? Oh yeah, how do they fuck? I don't know, man. That's weird. I don't know.

Yeah, warheads are junk. Let's get it. What the fuck? Get off this tree. Get off. Get off this tree. Ah! Like, this is one of... You know this one, Tanner? It makes me itch. Clear the trees of these pestilent lanternflies. No chemicals necessary. Tanner's a man. But everybody's afraid to activate their feet. Yeah. So, I guess this tree's gonna keep on suffering if I'm not here.

Listen, everybody's afraid to activate their feet, Tom. You can use your bare feet to fuck up these bugs that are everywhere in the city. This is what she does. She makes me itch, Christina. What? You guys are such crybaby pussies. Okay. What? I thought you liked unaliving. Oh, you were crying when I said white supremacy. Don't forget about that shit. I'm going to bring it up every time you try to call me. It hurts my heart. Every time you try to bring me as a crybaby, I'll be like, well, do like this. No!

Not the Klan. Not the Klan. That shit makes my heart ache. Oh, this is from the Carnival cruise ship. There was a flood. Jesus. Can you fucking imagine this is your vacation? There's the engineers like, I don't know. I don't fucking know.

You just think you're going to die. The carpet flooded. We stayed on the second floor. Our entire hall and rooms were flooded. That was sad. Fuck, you're just dying, dude. Don't they put you in those boats? And you know you'd have to work for your refund, too. Fuck, yeah, of course. Well, you know, you still had a good time. But who's, like, not, like, trying to talk shit, but isn't Carnival, like, the Greyhound of the Sea? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. As someone that's been on them for family vacations, they fucking suck. I hate cruisers. I hate them too. My parents fucking love them. Who the fuck wants to be stuck on a boat for five days? Fuck that, dude. Here's how penguins fuck. Here you go. Two penguins mate. Nuh-uh. He's standing up in that pussy. Literally. That's how they fuck? Oh, whoa. Wait, where is he...

Oh, yeah, because they're banging. Yeah, but where is Dick? You can see he's standing here. He was in her rear. Oh, so the dick goes around. Doesn't cat dick have barbs? Yes. That's why they make those crazy sounds. I like that pigs have curly ones. They're like corkscrews.

- Cloca kiss. - Climbs onto the female's back and walks backwards until he reaches her tail. The female then lifts her tail, allowing the penguin's clocus to align and sperm to be transferred. The male pushes his cloca out and the penguins wipe them together as he ejaculates. - Wipe them together. - And the process does not take long, often lasting about 10 seconds. That's longer than me. That's pretty cool. - That's what I'm gonna call my dick from now on, the cloca. - Cloca, yeah.

The cloaca. Want this cloaca, baby? Back your ass up. I'm a fat and this is what I eat in a day on the way to a vacation destination. We stopped at Hardee's and I was too big to fit in the booth so I had to sit in this chair instead. I got a bacon and cheese biscuit with no egg. I don't like eggs because birds are the only animals that I care about. She don't like the healthiest part.

I had a diet because I care about my health. I had half of a large hash brown because I didn't really like them, but that didn't stop me from eating half of them because I am a fat, as I've already mentioned. I had half of my mom's biscuit. It wasn't that good because it smelled like her. And look at this place. Look at my bald spot. Look at this view. So nice. We went to a fancy restaurant. I've never had a ribby or a filet mignon before.

but I got some lemonade, free water, so good. I'm a genius. The $3 I saved gonna come in handy next time I want a Big Mac. I tried a Hush Puppy, it was not good. I had a salad, it was absolutely delicious. Even though lettuce has no nutritional value, I don't know why y'all fat people like to eat a salad and be like, oh, I'm healthy.

What's so healthy about lettuce? Y'all are weird. I split these cheese fries with my family and then I got a bacon cheeseburger, which was very good. I just wish it was more pink. I don't know how many calories are in this food, but how much do you think I'll weigh by the end of March? Place your bets in the comment section below. Thank you. I can't tell if this is fully, like, if she's fully aware. Like, it seems like she's...

Like the voice and the face and everything in the commentary is like, you know. Yeah, it's fucking with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, ain't no one saying ribby. Yeah, it sounds satire. Well, here's the deal is that there's a lot of these content creators like, here's what I eat in a day as a fat person. This is a popular meme and this is just her way, maybe yes, of like adding humor to it. I kind of like it though. Like I'm super fat and here's my ribby. But she's still eating this shit legit. The one that I hate is when it's like the fat person who's like,

You think that I eat crazy and that's why I'm 475, but I don't. And then they're just like have a bite and they're like, that was good. I don't really eat more than that. My brother would, if he saw this video, he'd be in love. He's five years younger than me.

And all his girls are like three plus. Really? He likes big girls. He's tiny. He's five, six, like 145. He likes big girls. Yeah, for some reason. Isn't that... I'm always curious about that. I used to work with a guy like that. I can't do nothing with a big girl. He was small. The friend, the guy I worked with, he liked him to be like at least 270. That's crazy. Yeah. I mean, if you're skinny, I can see how it possibly be fun. You just jump into her and can't hurt her. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

Like just lay on the bed naked bitch and I'm just jumping. Maybe. - But you don't like super big? - Nah, I cut off about like 185. - Yeah, okay. - Oh wow. - But the crazy part is bro, all the girls who be shooting they shot at me at shows be like 120. - Really? - Yes, these skinny girls, they be like, "Can I please come back with you? "I just wanna rub on your belly."

Really? That's my dream weight. Do you like big... Do you like them when they're 120? Is that a good weight for you? It's too small. Too small. Perfect would be like between like 145 to 180. Yeah. Yeah. I like big titties, but I don't like want to date a girl with big titties. Like I just... And I don't even want to have sex with her. I'll be like, well, how much...

for me to just juggle them titties in my face. $150? I just want to for like five minutes. Sure. Slap me with them. Yeah. Have fun with them. Slap me with the big ass titties. There's some big tits out there. There's some big titties out there. You could definitely do that after shows. Like if there was a time where people wanted me to sign their tits a lot. Yeah. Remember that? Yes. Yeah. You could definitely get away with that. Comedians, I would say at the shows, we could do

Two shows a night, you could at least have sex with six girls. Six to eight girls. Probably. Wow. Oh, girls, it's that thing about being in charge. You're on stage, and that's sexy to them, especially if they find you very funny. Yeah. Six to eight. Wow. You should start doing that, Tommy. Me and Tony did a theater in Minneapolis. I missed the boat on that. Yeah, you did. You fucked up. And this girl comes up to me.

And she goes, what are you doing tonight? As I'm selling merch. She goes, what are you doing tonight? And I'm like, isn't that your boyfriend right there? So the boyfriend goes to take a picture with Tony. And she's like, why are you even worried about him? Damn. Scandalous. I'm like, girl, I'm not doing this. Because one day I do want a committed bitch. And I don't want that karma. Good for you. I don't want that karma from me knowing you have a boyfriend. It's one thing if I don't know you have a boyfriend. But I now know you have a boyfriend. And you're saying, don't worry about him. No.

That's wild. Avoid that chick for sure. Today I'm grateful for ceiling fans. When people get turned on to the fad, it's like electric and it just keeps coming around and around and around. Seriously though, they're very important for temperature and airflow control and are staples enough to even be used in places like large airports and have models that are primarily designed for their artistic or theatrical impression.

Thank you, Christina. Yeah, his whole thing is like what he's thankful for. There's a gratitude to it. Yeah, so annoying. Yeah. Y'all bought a house not too long ago, right? Yeah. Did y'all build it or was it already? No, it was built. I'm building a house from the ground up. Yeah. And I can see how he gets... Did you know how many styles of ceiling fans there are? No. Bro. Bro.

It gets like, damn, that's cool. That's cool. You know, you start to have the, yeah, you start to pick out stuff and you're like, oh, that's a cool cellophane. I've never seen nobody with, right. I can see why. But I mean, he has a basic cellophane right there. The one that's at Lowe's for like $49.99. Like you're saying he didn't choose a very fancy. Are you building it here? No, no, Georgia, bro. Fucking property tax is way too much here. Yeah, yeah. You're on top of it, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, back to the guy squishing bugs with his bare feet. What the fuck, man? Don't be afraid to use your feet. He's doing everybody a service by killing these bugs in the city. Yeah, how many followers he got on TikTok? A million. God damn it, Christina. Yeah, this one gets me. Tanner, what's the story? Do you know his story? No. You just love him like I do? Remember to wipe your vulva from front to back or use a second piece of toilet paper so you don't get any poop in your vulva.

Oh, she looks so weird. Listen, shout out to Aaron Trestle for that one. Duncan's wife. That's a pretty good one. The what? The Stephen Hawking movie. I couldn't even get through that. Animal Cemetery. The Stephen Hawking movie? Who made that movie? No, Stephen King.

Pet cemetery. Not Stephen Hawking. Pet cemetery. Remember when that girl turns like a cat? Yeah. That's how she looks. She does kind of look cat-like. Like she about to turn into something. Yeah, she does. And get that out of your vulva. Get your shit out of your vulva. I don't want to have sex with any girl who uses the word vulva. No. Not only that, I mean, shit doesn't get into your vulva. You know what I mean? I've never had to clean shit out of my vulva. Do y'all know about Yanni's themes?

Yeah, I've heard about that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, steam your cooch. Today, I'm grateful for mountains and hills. This guy. And I love terrain features. I love varied terrain and I enjoy exploring. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. This guy sells cell phone insurance. Are you covered? What happens when you drop your phone?

So he's sweet though. Hey, me and my dog were wondering if you and your dog want to go on a date. Yeah. So other guy, those are the type of women that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And if you don't have a dog, we can share mine. She's so cute. Oh, it's a female. Yep. Usually it's guys. You actually gave your daughter a good life and then you see this video like fucking be so upset.

You'd be on a plane right away. Yeah. Cut this fucking bullshit out. My daughter goes to private school, and I went to her school. She's nine. I went to her school, and I guess I should have looked at her thing because it was like, what is it called? Career day. Yeah. And she tells what she wants to do when she gets older, and then I got to talk about my career. And she goes up there and embarrasses the shit out of me by saying, when I get older...

I want to be a rapper. And I'm like, you don't got to fucking go to private school for that shit, bitch. Start now. You can drop out right now. Yeah, yeah. And you might actually have a shot. You might have a shot. If you stay in private school, you are not going to be a fucking sexy red or whoever the fuck you think you're trying to be. Yeah, that's funny shit. Yeah, I fucking took her YouTube off. She only uses YouTube Kids now, bro. I wasn't playing that shit.

I'm like, you ain't out here wasting my fucking money. No bullshit. Like all the rest of these kids talking about, I want to be a fucking equestrian and a fucking doctor and your ass come up here. Tell me I'm a fucking rapper. Fuck out of here. You're in a uniform saying you want to fucking rap. Get out of here. That's so funny. Yeah. I was pissed. Did you get up there and say it? Yeah. Yeah. No, I didn't say it in front of the class, but I told him what my career is. And, you know, but to hear her say it, I'm like, oh,

yeah that's good i was like what and this is cool and in the back of his pickup pickup truck yeah he's got a chick in a latex outfit acting like she's a dog bro i would if my dog oh my god what are you doing what did you do what did we do wrong were we too good to you like

At least do me a favor. At least don't do the videos. That's what I would say. Stop with the videos. Be a dog on your own time. All right. Look, we got to wrap up, but I want to tell everybody Uncancellable live from the Comedy Mothership is out now on YouTube. Danny Brown wrote and performed the original intro song for the special. Oh, that's rad. Yeah. You have many, one of the,

Most enjoyable things that I've experienced in the last couple years is just you and Tony going at each other. It's so fucking funny. I'm sure there's like compilation clips. Yes, it's a few hours. Dude, it's so funny. I can't believe how you guys, I just sit back and watch and I'm just like, this is, it's just so entertaining. Oh, and they do it in the green room. Oh, and I was there yesterday. Even on their off time. Rogan thinks that we're leaving a lot of money on the table by not doing a podcast together.

Oh, that's a great idea. You guys probably should be. I think you should. Just put the news on it. Y'all talk shit about it. Or just you doing a night. You guys should just do a night sort of like Ross and Attell, like a bumping mics thing where you guys just go on stage, shoot the shit and shit on each other. It would really be well because...

Not this. So what was it? 20, what was it? 2024. So 2023 new year's coming into the 2023 new year's. Uh, he, he was doing Tony and friends at the Vulcan and me and him did go on stage for like an hour. Yeah. And it was crazy. Yeah. That'd be fun, man. It's like, wow.

I also want to give a shout to the fact you still do fishing with David Lucas. Yes, sir. When are you going to come on? Happy on. I'll come on. I'll text you. Okay. We'll do it. Thank you for coming today. Thank you, David. And congrats on everything. Thank you, man. Yeah. Make sure you check out the special. It's either you're going to love it or you're going to hate it. There's no in between. That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. All right, guys. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Now it may seem that your crotch is on fire, but your camel toe I cannot ignore. So keep them high up tight, you sexy tiger. I want to see those thighs explode. Now turn around so I can see your entire parking garage at the end of my road.

And forgive me if you see my mouth walk. Don't mean to be rude, I just want me. Cause I've been starving myself, now I'm kind. In the mood for some bone chum tonight. And if you don't give me my appetizer. With some stinky sauce, I think I'll just die. Then I'll come back in reincarnation.

As your jeans, when they're high in time.