KISS and Tell w/ Gene & Nick Simmons | Your Mom's House Ep. 746
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Have you ever considered why all the chicks love Jesus? He's hung like this. Don't do that. Don't do that. Hold both. You're validating. They measure you at your fluffed rate, your salt burn length. I know if they follow me to get my physical, they'll be like, is this a toddler? And you learn that the word hudeo marikong latur does not mean good morning, Jewish person. You fucking gay Jew. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. It's a good thing.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. What it do. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you for saying it correctly. You're welcome. Amazing. It's a great day.

We're here celebrating my least favorite commercial holiday. Yours, mine too. We've both agreed to hate this day. It's fucking, it's the worst. It's the dumbest. It's the dumbest. Don't tell me when to love. Don't tell me when to celebrate my 20 year beautiful relationship. Don't tell me when to buy stuff. I'll buy stuff when I want to fucking buy stuff. Tell me what to fucking do. Oh, you didn't get chocolates and roses today. It's like, come on, man.

Fuck off with that. And I also feel like it is more performative. Well, you know what I mean? Like the other women will, oh, did Tom do that for you? Can I tell you what I think the worst thing is? I like that. Is dinner reservation. Like going to dinner on Valentine's. So you're there with a bunch of other chumps who are like, I proved that I actually care today. Today. Because you made a dinner reservation today. Well, that and they overcharge the shit. Of course they do.

Do you want regular dinner or do you want the dinner that shows that you care? And you're like, oh, no, I want that one. Okay. This one has chocolate covered strawberries and champagne, cheap champagne. We're going to market $150. I don't like doing it when everyone else is doing it. It's kind of like when somebody dies and they're like, did you love your dad? How much? I mean, this coffin is the gold sealed coffin. That's amazing. If you haven't been through that, oh my God, you sit down with someone and they're like, I'm so sorry.

about your loss and you're like, thank you. And they're like, so we're going to pick the box for the body right now. Did you want to do just the plywood or do you want a platinum box? It just depends on how you want them. Yeah. Did you love them? To be interned in the earth for all the rest of time. Would you like it to be like just the wood that goes up in a cheap apartment or would you like it to be the high level stuff? And you're like,

Oh no, I love them. And they're like, now the corners of the box, we can decorate those. They're just going to be bland and plain. And you're like, no, don't decorate them.

Of course. Did you love her? And then they, it's funny, they don't. Would you like a lining, like a velvet lining? They told me they, from when my mom died, they go, we can put a lining in there that will slow down the decay. Oh, yes. Preserve her forever. Absolutely. Why would I want that? She was terrible. Do you want it embroidered or would you like it just to be left as just plain velvet lining? My,

My favorite too. Give them something to read. Yeah. Please put some pornography in there. My dad needs to jerk off. He's going to be down there for a while. Also, my mom died. They don't call it ashes. They go, they say, um, your, your, uh, family members cremated remains are ready for pickup. I go just FedEx that shit to me. I don't want to go down there. Well,

We can't buy law FedEx cremated remains. We did all the stuff. We didn't go for all the choices, like the fucking platinum thing. I was like, no, just like a nice... And then they're like, huh, yeah. And then like, was he in the military? And we're like, yes. And they're like, do you have the documents that prove it? I'm like, right now? Here? No. I was like, okay, you'll have to send that. Like, we can't just...

put you know marine corps stuff on there without so we had to like go like petition the state for a document that proves it and then they're like yeah okay we can do that now thanks when i'm grieving i want to go dig up documents yeah dig up documents or two they're like do you do you want doves how many doves yes like five or like a hundred i was like my dad would like it if we released doves and then shot them like if you could have

The Marines go ahead and shoot them in the air. That would be the best. It was amazing. Actually, my dad really loved tits. Yeah. Can you bring out a hundred tits? Could you have like four girls with big tits walk by and ask it? That would be real. That would be amazing. That would be amazing. We could do that. All right. Let's open the show, though. Sure. Here we go. You don't know how much I love you. Every time I need you near. I can't help but despair.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Wow. What a nice, lovely way to start the Valentine's Day episode. I love you. Yeah. So nice. Nothing but love is in the air. Now, for those of us, oh, did you want to elaborate on the love I just sent you there? Jesus Christ. It just doesn't, it doesn't ever end, you know?

I can't believe this is really, this is really taken off. Yeah. You know, we have our finger on the pulse of the world, not just America. I guess we'll get right into it. I'd love to. Well, this is a love story for a love day. That's another airtight story.

About 16 years ago, I went to a cousin's wedding in Bakersfield, California. If you're not familiar, Bakersfield is a lovely city. It was a big wedding and lots of fun. We get back from the wedding close to midnight. And as soon as I get out of the shower, there's a female that are there. I recognize from the wedding who has just opened the door, grabs my hand and leads me into the bedroom, throws me on the bed and proceeds to give me a blow job. She's a hot Latina, nice body and sucks like a puffer fish. Hmm.

She swallowed and said to me, when you're ready, come over to the guest bedroom. Holy shit, what am I about to embark on? I later enter the guest bedroom and there's my cousin getting his peener sucked and his bestie doing doggy.

Wow. What a mess!

That is insane. He took it to another level because it's not just airtight, it's airtight with family. With your cousin. With your cousin. Jesus Christ. That's pretty, that's a whole new dimension. Yeah. I wonder. Think about your cousins and doing something like that with them. Well, I did French my second and third cousin. Jesus Christ. But we didn't go airtight together. Yeah.

So, by the way, I'm a little upset that he said Latin and not Latinx. Latinx. Latinx. Yeah. That does affect me too. His cousin, he went airtight with his cousin, bro. Weddings though, man. Weddings are crazy. Yeah. They make people horned up. They do. They horn you up. Yeah. But didn't he begock before? Yeah. He just did with her. Like, so it, you know, he re recharged.

and was able to find it in himself to come again with his cousin. That's so fucking insane.

That's the coolest part of the story. Yeah. Is he came the second time with his relative. I know. Which one of your cousins? Can you even imagine? It has to be one I don't see a lot. I'll tell you that. Couldn't be like one of my close cousins. That would be so strange. Fuck, dude. God. To be like, oh, hey, what's up, bud? Like walk, your cousin walks in the room. At Christmas, you're going to see them again. Hey, guy. Because, you know, there's always a cousin. You're like, I haven't seen this guy in 20 years. That's fine. I guess he could do it. Right. Like the cousin I Frenched. I haven't seen the guy since. Stop.

It's not a first cousin though. It's fine. You can have children with your second or third. Did you French them abroad or here? Abroad. I was in Hungary. Oh yeah, that doesn't count. It was my summer abroad. That's fine. I feel like it doesn't count because it's on foreign soil. Yeah, anything there is fine. Yeah, yeah. Don't you feel that way that any escapade you've had sexually on foreign soil? It's almost like it's happened in a dream or something. It didn't happen on your home turf. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. A dream. Yeah. A fever dream. You're like, I feel like something. I don't know. Anyway, I have things to do today. By the way, apropos to this discussion of romance and, you know, last week you came back from jujitsu when you had a horrible injury. Yeah, that was cool. Why don't you tell them what happened? I kicked off on accident my big toe toenail. I split it in half, I should say.

Like doing a drill. So the heel lifted it up. It was painful, but like I just taped it up. It was bleeding everywhere. And then later on when I took that tape off, I just folded it in half and I just ripped it off. No, no, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Where were you when you were doing this? Lying in bed. Yeah. Lying in bed and I was next to you. Yeah.

And I see you fidgeting with the toe and you're picking it and picking it. And I'm like, what is this fool going to do? I'm trying to see what the damage is really. Right. And I'm intrigued too, because I want to see what the damage is. And then you peel off the toenail. The whole thing comes off. Yeah, it's gross. Super gross. Well, I should say not the whole thing, but half of it comes off. I'm going to throw up. Yeah. And here's the best part, you guys, is that I saw you and I, Yana, I saw you go,

To do this? No, that's not what I was doing. I saw you. That's not what I was doing. You were going to go and then do this and swizzle your fingers. That's not what I was doing. I was just playing with it because it was so substantial. I was just like toying with it, like folding it, you know, like it was. And then I was, I thought you were going to take a bite. I was trying to hand it to you for a bite. I thought you wanted to nibble on it.

And then you were like, if you fucking drop that on the floor, it's going to cut me open. Of course, I'm going to step on it. Yeah. Our kids are going to step on it. I just, you know, I just toyed with that. I tried to give it to you as a memento. And then you're not good at receiving gifts. So I took it back and then I disposed of it in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

It's revolting. How's your toenail now? I haven't even seen it. I've been putting Neosporin and a Band-Aid over it. And then I also tore up the top of my foot. Yeah, you know, those jujitsu mats are filthy. You know what? A pediatrician told me that's how kids get ringworm and staph. And staph infections, yeah. So you got to wash with that tea tree oil to kill the fungus. I have been. You swear? Yeah. Okay. I don't want to lose my foot. I don't want you to lose your foot. Jesus Christ. No, I've been doing that.

You were going to throw it on the carpet. No. Where did you end? You put it in the toilet? Yeah. I flushed it. Yeah. Okay. I flushed it, but I wanted to give it to you. I thought you wanted to hold it at least for a second. I mean, it's not every day somebody hands you half of a large toenail. It's half of it? Yeah. Like half of it. Is the other half turning black? No. No, it was just a bunch of blood. Okay. Yeah. I thought you would enjoy it. I thought you'd have a little better attitude about it. It's so gross.

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Speaking of love, this is just such a beautiful idea. And I hope so many of you get inspired the way I did after seeing this. My husband and I have removed the bottoms of all of our shoes. We decided to start walking barefoot and one of our followers had a great idea. Since some businesses don't want us being completely barefoot, if we cut off the bottom of our shoes, it'll allow us to be barefoot but blend in with everyone else.

This is a huge commitment, but we were willing to make it. These are our favorite shoes. Our shoe collection is worth more than $20,000. But this is a sacrifice we're willing to take because walking barefoot means the world to us. The benefits of walking barefoot are priceless. And now our shoes are worth more than money could ever be. So today we got to work and started removing the bottoms. We weren't sure if this was going to be easy or hard, and it ended up being pretty easy. First of all, it's just so brilliant. I mean, you could...

invest in like keep those and just get barefoot shoes and wide wide uh wide toe box shoes that are like to keep your foot splayed open oh so they sell shoes that could mimic what it's like to walk 100 yeah and by the way there are many companies doing this now it's not like there's one

There are barefoot shoes. From stepping on hypodermic needles. And then there's the wide, uh, shoe, wide toe shoe box, whatever it's called. Wide shoe toe box. I'm fucking it up, but it's the one so that your foot is splayed open. Sure. Right. As opposed to traditional shoes that keep, yeah. Wide toe box shoes. That's what it is. Wide toe box shoes. Uh,

traditional shoes are narrow. So yeah, they do confine your feet. And like, if they're too tight, they obviously have like some negative effects. But the other thing you could do is just fucking shave the bottom of all your shoes off.

And then to completely destroy them where you're walking. We made little shelves where our toes are and our heels are. We made a little lip on the bottom of the shoe where our toenails will go so they can latch on. So we'll actually be able to hold on to the shoe while trying to walk without the bottom. And we did the same thing for our heels.

The experience of cutting off the bottoms of our shoes was very freeing and detoxifying, just like walking barefoot is. So after we cut the bottoms off, we decided to try it out. So we went to our favorite store, Sephora. And as you know, they don't really like us in here without shoes. I needed to grab a few things for a trip we're going on. The experience was absolutely perfect. The workers came up to us, they talked to us, they even complimented our shoes. I definitely recommend this if you're trying to go incognito barefoot. It's the perfect way to get all the benefits of going barefoot, but also have no one know.

Wow. Fully retarded. Yeah. Look, these foot prisons are ridiculous. Why spend, why destroy $20,000? They had like really nice sneakers. But here's the problem is that you can, once they walk, you can still see the soles of the non-shoe. You can still see someone's bare foot. Yeah. You can be like, that person has no bottom to that shoe. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure like they're going to be in businesses where they're going to go, Hey, I noticed that your foot just popped out of your shoe. Yeah.

So unhygienic. Yeah. It's so stupid. Well, that's why they sell barefoot shoes. Right. That they mimic. So they just, they cover for the hygiene and the security, but they're, you can be fully displayed like this. Yeah, but then you can't ruin $20,000 worth of a shoe collection. You have to ruin your shoes in order to do this. But then they don't have to spend hours cutting off, shaving the sole. What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?

So stupid. It's so dumb. But they're going to the Cheesecake Factory in Sephora. It looks like a fun day to me. Hold on a second. Just hold on a second. Sure. Just hold on. Quick. I'm composing this extremely brief Instagram post to remind everyone if there's a Bruins game going on,

I urge you, please refrain from attempting to message me between 4.45 p.m. and the 6 p.m. hour. Thank you. I'm busy in the kitchen, and I will not respond to any messages. Okay. All I can say is I hope you enjoy sending messages to thin air because I'm not responding. Wow. All I can say is stop it. Is he wearing a hospital gown? A mental hospital gown. I don't know, but...

It is an important message to put out to people. I am unavailable for the next hour and 15 minutes. Stop texting me. If you fucking keep messaging me, no one's going to respond to you. Nobody. Also, it's like these people. Does anyone respond that urgently to messages? No one cares. No. But it's the same thing where people are like, I'm taking a break from social media. I'm off of Instagram. And they're like, oh, what do you think? A collective gasp?

around the world is no Mike is done yeah yeah okay sure what is this what is this I don't know why do people is this on TikTok this what platform I think this was Instagram so he's letting that's he's letting the followers know just listen man don't text me you're not gonna get a reply in the next hour and 15 minutes

Like you don't even have, you don't have to do that. You can do it the next day. You can reply. Everyone's like, oh, okay. Like, well, but that too. And also too, I love when old people don't understand technologies and platforms. Like the people that follow you on Instagram probably don't have your phone number. It's okay. You can wait. They'll wait. They'll wait. You can wait. You don't have to do this.

You don't have to do this at all. This is also, you know how people put their phones on that silent? Oh, yeah. Some people leave it permanently, which I find very annoying. It's so stupid. Anytime you message certain people, it goes, so-and-so has their thing on silence. They'll get this message later. And you're like, dude, do it at night. I get it.

But why are you doing this throughout the day? Or not only that, like you don't have to check your text messages constantly. You can also just not look at your phone. No, they can't do that. Why do you have to put on the stupid notification thing? And it's also people that you need, like that you work with.

that have fucking these notifications on. Oh, so-and-so doesn't. It's like, well, you should turn it off because you fucking have a job. Yeah, business hours, dipshit. Fucking dipshit. Yeah, because they don't turn it off. People forget. Of course. And it's very rude when you get that so-and-so's on silent mode. I can't be...

burdened by a message you fucking cunt i'm sorry i just i just need a little me time i'm so important so many people are reaching out turn that shit off during the week fucko there's yeah don't check it you don't need to let the world know and also it's kind of like a flex like i am i am so enlightened and i'm so into self-care yeah i'm putting on like silent mode like all right good

Good for you, Swami, or whatever fucking- Fuck out of here with that. Double soul shaman cunt. Our homegirl- Yeah. Has continued to put her videos up of how her day goes. I know.

Yes! Damn!

There you go. Good for her. There you go.

Love it. She should really use stamps.com. I know. You don't have to drive to UPS. Let's see. Is there... Well, first of all, how cool is it that she dropped a... Keeping it high and tight. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah, she's with the program. That's for us. Of course. Are there comments in this thing? I have some comments here. Okay. Y'all know what's a banana split? Yeah. Yeah, very cool. Now most of her comments have just turned into YMH references.

Now we're bullying her. Good morning. That's the full good morning Julia speech. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just gorgeous. You're precious. And it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me, you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. Please.

Erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there and I understand. You know, you're trying to find somebody, you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you, it is me. I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I will make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me,

And it went on and on. He wrote the whole thing. The whole thing. Wow. It's fucking fantastic. That is a beautiful speech for Valentine's Day too. It really is. I'm home here now. I love that the people that usually write her hate are probably like, the fuck is this all about? Who's taking over? This is not what we do. That's how we do it at Falcon Car Wash. Yeah.

A little fed smoker in there. Yeah. Good work, guys. Cranking out the head. Good job, guys. I am actually incredibly curious to try her coffee. No. I really hope we can get some of that. Will you reach out about that? I'd like to try this coffee. Yeah, for sure. Maybe she could do a YMH coffee blend for us. Coffee experience, yeah. I would love that. That would be really cool. That would be very cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Talking to the penis enlargement folks, I'm excited to see what I can learn. Well, I just want to know what it's like. I just want to know what happens. You know what I'm really curious about? Wow. Well, so when they measure you, how do they know that they're measuring you at your smallest? Oh, wow. Right? Like, what if you go in there and they're like, okay, so you're...

five inches long and four inches around and you're like, hey, easy, easy. This thing gets way smaller. Like, how do you know? Right. Right? Isn't that a legit question? Right, because don't you have your sickness length? I have a range that you wouldn't believe. Right.

I mean, I'm like fucking, I'm like Marlon Brando. It does everything. So I just want to know if I show up and they're like, yeah. That's a really good point. This is pretty nice. And I'm like, whoa, hey. Do they measure you at your fluffed rate, your salt burn length? I don't know. Or your regular? I know if they follow me to get my physical, they'll be like, is this a toddler? Because it always knows where it's in a doctor's office and it goes. Okay.

Hello, doc. Like that. I don't know. But do you think because you're visiting the dick doc that it will shrink like that? Maybe. I don't know. I think this is probably the most important question I have for him. So this guy, he claims that he can add girth. He doesn't claim. He does. I mean, they have like a lot of. No, no. They don't add length. The length is a mystery. Girth. Yeah. The length is a mystery. Yeah. No, they say we cannot add length. Wow. We add girth.

And they do it by injecting just like the same thing that like somebody injects into their face. They do this in your pee pee, but they also are very clear that if you inject it into your head, it's going to get weird. They're like,

You're going to have a distorted head and it's not going to last long. But it lasts in the shaft, it says, for like a year and a half, two years. Wow. Yeah. This is exciting. Yeah, I know. I can tell you're licking your lips. Yeah. I'm licking my chops. When are you going to do this? Well, I mean, I want to ask these questions. These are the most important questions. That's true. That is a very important question. Zolo, you need to relay these very important questions for me. You've got it.

Yeah. How do we know you're at your smallest? Yeah. How do we know? What is the smallest? What is the smallest? That's a good point. Dang, dude. That's exciting. What about your balls? Can they do stuff to your balls? I think I'm going to leave my balls as is. I wonder like, is there guys with super small balls? Can they give them a little, a little bounce, a little something there? I would stay away from that. Nudicles? I think you should definitely leave your balls the way they are. Yeah. Too sensitive. Yeah.

Too much that can go wrong. These are your reproductive organs. They're the actual, they're the real workers. They don't get the same press that your dick gets, but your balls are doing a lot of work. That's so true. They're the workhorse of the genitalia. Yeah, they are. They support the dick. Yeah. And who's like, I just really got to change these balls up. You don't know. Maybe there's guys out there that hate their balls. No, there probably are. But come on, get the fuck out of here. Really? You think it's, do you guys think it's, you think it's inappropriate to hate your balls?

The dick is the star of the show. The balls are the backup singers. I don't really ever think about my balls too much. Yeah, I don't care. I also feel like I would lose some sensitivity, which would really suck. On your balls? Yeah. Like if they injected them? Yeah. Wait a minute. Will you lose sensitivity in your peener with the filler? I mean, these are questions that I want to ask. These are things I think about all day and all night, but...

There's only one person that can answer them and that's the people that work at this company. Filler in your peep. Yeah. That's interesting because it will interfere with nerves and sensitivity. It's legit questions. His dick becomes so sensitive. But I do know when I get filler in my face, it doesn't affect nerves. How do you feel? I get it under my eyes and they're always like, I'm like, what are the risks? They're like, you could go blind. And I'm like, oh, let's keep doing it. Sounds like there'd be a risk to your dick too. Well, yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure they hit a wrong nerve or something or vein, and next thing you know, I don't know. I mean, if it doesn't take away sensitivity, I might hit the balls up. You might hit the balls up. Get your balls done. Yeah, I might get them a little rounder, you know what I'm saying? And how about your dong? You won't get that filled out more? I mean, any more filled in, that's just too much. It's just too much. You know what I mean? Enough is enough. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure. Okay. Perfect. And he's letting you know. Yeah, he really is. Yeah. He's letting the world know right now. He's got that drizzy dick, you know what I mean? Jeez.

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Jeez. Do you see Drake jerking off? No. Can I see that? Is it new? Yeah. Well, no. It's a couple weeks old. May I see that? I'd like to see Drake's painter. I love when celebrities release. He's jerking off on his bus. What? And recording it himself. He recorded himself and then it leaked or something? Yeah. Leaked or he fucking... No. It leaked all right. Oh, it leaked. There was a boy on the...

To All the Boys I've Loved Before. It's all over Twitter. That teen show. Yeah. And there was a video of him, Jay, and his D. You better believe I found that thing lickety split. What'd you think? It was wild. And he's like, he plays a teenager. Which guy from what? To All the Boys I've Loved Before. And what'd you think? It was good.

It was good? It was a good one. And he's cute. But it also feels weird because he's playing a teenager and I don't want to be that guy. But he's not. He's not. He's like 25. So I felt better about looking at it. But it still felt weird. What is it? Slapping your clam to it? I didn't slap my clam to it. No. I just like to see what's going on. And what did you think? Pretty good? It was great. It was great. I want to see Drake's dong.

I can't believe that. Do you think he leaked it? Really? I'm so naive. Sorry. He may have. Such a child. Who knows? Who knows? He may have. Well, in the actual Twitter feed, you can definitely find it. It's almost... Like in Drake's Twitter feed? No, no, no. Just like all of Twitter. Like if you go into the search component, it's just like...

You can't get away from it. Might I say though that masturbation is a little embarrassing? Like wouldn't you want to release it? Yeah, I think this wasn't like, this was like just like a shot of here's me doing this. It wasn't like a full video. It was just like look at my dick. Oh, yeah, he's trying to show off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, gosh. Yeah. Don't give up, Zola. You keep looking. You search until the end of time. Yeah.

Oh shit. What a wonderful time we live in that we can see celebrities. Penises. Yeah. It's really nice. It's so cool. It is cool. Gosh, growing up, I never, I remember when Madonna came, there were some photos that she had taken when she was like 18. Yeah. Some photographer leaked it. Yeah. And she had hairy pits and you could see her boobs. And I was like,

wow, that is something else. Isn't that something? And now I get to see celebrities' dongs and them jerking it and stuff. It's pretty cool. It's a good time to be alive. Here's the thing that happens too is you go, no way. And then you're like, yeah, that's just another person's naked body. It doesn't really... No. I think the older you get, the more you're just like, it's just another person. It's another naked person. Folds, flaps, nerves. Skin of another human. I know. It doesn't have the impact of when you're young and you're like, someone's naked. What? What?

Like you just, I don't know. I think too, when you have children. Yeah. You have kids and you realize that everybody comes out in the world like this and yeah. And you wipe asses and you see them pee on everything. And they piss on everything still. Still. Every seat. Every seat. On the floor. There he is. Oh, oh yeah. He's just, he's just bragging. He's just showing you his stuff. What a fucking wiener dog. Yeah. I mean, it seems a little bragging. Yeah. He's, he's flexing his. You can look at it. You can.

I feel weird looking at it with my husband right now. Oh, I'm right here looking with you. Go ahead. Oh, you're looking? Yeah. Yeah. I don't like watching guys jerk it. I don't know why. It seems very like I shouldn't be watching this. All light-skinned people look alike. That's a big old dong, though. I know.

Big old Drake dong. Can I tell you what's off-putting? What? The full sweatshirt with the hoodie and then nothing from the waist. Like, he took off his pants the whole way and his underwear the whole way down. And kept his hoodie on. Yeah, you don't do that. Sometimes the urge just hits us and we just got to go, you know? Yeah, but did you take off your pants and your underwear completely? Not all the way, no. This is silly. So this is clearly, yeah. It was to film this. I think we got it now. Thanks, gentlemen. Thanks.

But now, now watch. Go ahead. That's a great hang. It's a good hang. Once I get over the shock, because I don't like to see guys. Yeah, you have to process it. Yeah. And then in retrospect, I go, that was a good one. Like tomorrow, I'll be walking through the house and it'll be like, God's plan, God's plan. I'll be like, what's going on? Why are you listening to this? Oh, nothing. No reason.

Yeah, that was a biggie. 10-0-2, 10-0-3. Okay. I wish we could have seen Prince's dick. I'm so curious. I bet you it's normal. It's normal size. Yeah. It's not that big. It's not that, that big. Yeah, because he was petite in stature. He was very petite. Yeah. Now again, it's not always a giveaway. Not always the case. Yeah. That's why it would be kind of cool if we could see. Yeah, and he is bleck. He's bleck. Yeah, you're bleck. Yeah.

All right. Why don't we take a quick break? Sure. And we'll be back in a moment. It's a very special day here. Oh, boy. Yeah. We have the legendary Gene Simmons and his beautiful son, Nick, with us. Thank you, sir. Appreciate that. Thank you for giving me the clap. I was beautiful. I have to say this before, like everybody already knows, but I just have to tell you this, sir, that your son, your 7'10 son came over, picked me up,

And I went to see you perform here in Austin at the Moody. And I legitimately was blown away by your show. It was really impressive. I mean, it was, I know you already know that you've been doing it a long time, but I was like, what the fuck, man? I mean, you guys. I thought it was just okay.

You guys have been doing this for how long? How long have you been performing? 50. 50 years. And you're up there. And I was thinking, like, I was telling Nick, I was like, do you realize what most dudes in their 70s are? You're 74. Well, most 74-year-olds are like, help me walk to the... Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Wow. Look at that. The big problem is you get much more on your back. Yeah, yeah. I've got wookie butt.

So you'll now start to see the 70s in this conversation. Yeah, but I don't even know how you pull off. Honestly, it really is impressive to see you put on. It's a big thing for somebody in their 70s to be like, I went to my step class today. Well, he did a world tour. To do the tour. Crazy. When you're performing up there, unreal. Well, the hard part is doing it with weight. Like if you go to a class that lasts two hours, aerobics and whatever, you're out of breath. Sure.

But if you're carrying weights, anybody will tell you weight training just knocks you out. So I'm carrying about 40 pounds of armor studs, seven-inch platform heels. As any chick will tell you when she goes out on a date and at the end of the night her feet

Feet are killing her. Yes, sure. Just like that. Just like that. Plus you're playing, plus you're singing, plus you're performing, plus you're engaging with people. Yeah, it seems like it would be incredibly exhausting. It's tough. You guys are about to play the same venue in L.A. You're about to play at the Forum. That's very impressive, I have to tell you.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, that's exciting. We just went to see, I saw him there at, in 2019, I think right before COVID. I hope you can come. That'd be fun if you could come. That's incredible. You're doing that with no, I mean, I've always been terrified of what comedians go through because when you fuck up with a band,

you know, the bassist is still, like someone's kind of distracting while you go, oh, should I hit a wrong note? But no one notices one guy. You have to really fuck up to be noticed. You're just like, it's just you. There's nothing. If you fuck up, you know that they know that you know that they know. They definitely know. They definitely know. Gene, how do you stay in shape when you're touring? Don't really work out. You hike. We hike.

Yeah, about three miles or so up and down hills. You don't do Jagger's Jazzercise class that he does? No. Oh, nice. That's all good. This is all happening. It just happens. It's real life. It's real life. Yes, Angus. Don't put your accountant on the podcast. What is happening right now? He's going to read your PIN number. Go ahead. What are we doing? What's happening? Angus, you're on the air. Go ahead, Angus.

- No. - Yes. - Don't worry about it, I promise I'll pull out. - This should stop immediately. This should stop now. - Did the wire clear? - They have a voice recognition thing, so then I'm gonna say approve. - How much is the deposit for? - Are you about to say a password for something? - No. - Okay, Jesus Christ. You don't understand. I save his passwords. - Can you get me back, otherwise you will be on the air. Can you get me back in, I don't know, about two hours? - That's amazing. - I'm essentially his cybersecurity specialist. - Thank you. - If not for me,

man, it would be gone. He would be one of those telemarketers camps. It'd be gone. We'd be out of luck. People will think I drink beer or something, right? Because I've never been drunk or high in my life. How the fuck did you get through a rock career without ever

You're allowed to say no. People don't know this about him, by the way. A lot of people don't know that. How about like, okay, now it's a different, but let's say like when things were really ramping up at first. You know what I mean? When it's starting, it's like you're a young guy, all this shit's around you. I mean, were people ever really trying to pressure you? All the time. All the time. He's not really tempted by it. Just to let you know that, if you don't know this about Gene Simmons, is that he's never touched drugs or alcohol.

This is a crazy stat. Well, there's one accidental story. Can we tell the brownie story? Sure. Okay. I mean, this is hearsay, so you can tell if you want. But he didn't, he's so removed from drug culture that he didn't know that you can bake cannabis into baked goods. Yeah. He had no idea that was a thing. Who does that? So before I was born, before mom. You were on the chocolate. He was like, yeah, sweets are our drug of choice.

He was backstage and somebody had baked a pan of special brownies and he had no idea that that existed. So he had no hesitation for eating six of them. So please describe what you hallucinated. You've told me this a couple of times. It's my favorite story. It's the only time he's ever been high. I've never before...

or since had anything like that happen to me. Let me take these off so you can see. Tom's got a too high story too, so I know you relate to this. Well, I wasn't prepared for it. And so you've got a room full of people celebrating. We're breaking some kind of record in Detroit, how many shows we're doing and all that. This was in 76 or 1876. See what I did there? That was a joke. LAUGHTER

Don't patronize me. The whole room is full, and I'm just seeing the, can you see the picture? The brownies are piled on it, and I love that stuff. Everybody's like, let's smoke, let's put things up our ass. Just give me a cake. Give me a brownie, yeah. Juice and cake. You've heard that. Always. And I'm going, it didn't hurt that she wasn't bad looking. This was before I met your mom. Yes, I understand. Thank you.

And it comes over and I'm like, give me another one of those. And then I started, you know, like a dog with a bone, just following her around. Can I have another one? You want another one? And I just kept eating it. Six. Six brownies. Well, they weren't big. Right, right. But still. So what happened to your head and your hands? And not too long after that, you know, the room started to get bigger and my head started to get smaller all the way down to the size of my head.

of an olive on my shoulder. And I started to open, I remember this, I started to open my eyes and think so that people wouldn't think that I was normal or anything. I'm like that. And

As I moved, my hands became the farther away. Like as it gets farther, your hand gets smaller. Nope. Just ballooned up like cartoon. So head the size of a pea and like oven mitts. Keep on trucking. Yeah, sure. So it got enormous and I'm taking a step and my foot goes out. And luckily there was a girl there who was, she's written about it too. She was the editor of Creep Magazine, which is a rock. So she took me out of there.

And to the limo, and as I'm walking, every step I take, giant feet. Like that Ludacris video. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like that. And I'm talking loudly because I don't think she can hear me because my voice is small. We've got to get to the hotel. In his mind, it's beep, beep, beep. But he's walking up to people and going, something is wrong. And they're like, Jesus fucking Christ. So before we get in the limo, and I'm...

afraid to move or anything and I'm thirsty and I'm thirsty and so they pull over two or three blocks in a ghetto in Detroit and she leads me in to get me a drink because the limos didn't have anything and it's filled with neighborhood folks who are there at night grabbing a burger and stuff after the show and I'm dressed in leather and thick, no kidding,

And they all turn around and do that. And I'm thinking, they're looking at me because my head is small. So I try to make myself bigger. And I go up and the guy goes, well, yeah. Can I have a glass of milk? You know, like that. And then walk back. Now, I will say...

Can you plug up your ear? So as we're going back to the hotel, she takes out my key, and I try to put my key, which is enormous, in the keyhole. It grew to the size of his hand when he held it. In those days, you had keys. Right, to turn it. He didn't have... He's trying to stab the door. Sure. It doesn't work. Now, my son is not here. Mm-hmm.

Are you going to tell me what happened? You stop usually at the door. I will say that I've never been as big in my life. Jesus Christ. Wait, can I just tell you this? Wasn't part of your experience with that, didn't part of you go like, this is what people do all the time? Like when you got high, was part of your realization later like, this is what people intend to do all the time, feel like this? Joey Diaz especially. Oh my God. No, quite honestly, I didn't.

I didn't think about it. To be serious for a second. Okay, now it's over and I can get back to stupid. I never wanted to get high or drunk because of my mother. Right. She was in a concentration camp when she was 14 years of age. And I never wanted to break her heart. And I was always aware I'd never wanted to...

disappoint her right there was enough aggravation so I literally never smoked cigarettes Wow never got high never got drunk that way when you reach 74 your hand can be in front of your face he's reading the benefits now there's some other rock people who yeah like oh yeah you're looking pretty good now in terms of posture ability to speak no okay that's very that's an interesting origin

story of why. Orgy of what? Orgy of... Yeah, the hearing goals, but everything else is... Speaking of that, because this is way before Nick, let's go way back to before Nick. I know, I know, but still, it's back... You ever go airtight with the fellas? Oh, yeah.

Ah, yes. What's airtight? Like you... Oh, you know. And the other dudes, right? It's a great show. You know. There's a lovely lady backstage. Fuck the other guys in the band? No. No. You and the band or other friends all plug every hole in a lady. One in the pink, one in the stink, one in the mouth. Although... Has anyone ever asked you to do that? Can I just say that... Of course. Bon Jovi? Hey, you want to... No. Eiffel Tower? No. No, no. There was just...

Can I just say that when I met his mom a long time ago, Shannon. Who I met. You may as well have, you know, not ACDC, but BCAD. He's saying before and after. She's gorgeous. She's literally my Jesus. Literally. She is the moral compass that literally kept me from

getting into the dark side you have very pretty eyes you're going to be very popular in jail you know that me no the other guy in back of you oh jesus i didn't know you're saying that to me who else am i talking i didn't know i know he has add okay i can subtract too yes jesus thank you for the compliment so not even in the middle of the story but i'm saying but i'm saying yeah the without shannon everything and i was i had a sordid past there was

Pin my tail on your donkey. There are seven girls. What? Everyone shut up. Kate, tell us about this. Shut up. Pin the tail on a donkey? Pin my tail on their donkey. What? Seven girls lined up. I knew this was a bad idea. Bent over the bathtub. You've never told me that. You're my son.

Nick, pipe down. I was on a show. You weren't. I have a girlfriend. You weren't born. Hi, Kelty. Wait, Nick, come on. I don't want to do that. You weren't even born. You don't want to hear about your dad's sex life? Hold on a second. So all seven donkeys got to. Weird. No, only one. Oh, you pick one. No, no. It's what happens. Ah, that's the winner. He's blindfolded. Winner, winner, winner. That's awesome. Wow. No, I never teamed up.

But they were. That sounds like a full. There were rooms where. There were others there, but never males. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. Can we. It's a nice day today. No, this is what this is. I prepared for this. This is a beautiful day. You. Have you ever encountered. It was the 70s before. And the 80s. And the 80s. And the 80s. Any mother daughter teams? Yes.

Okay. Good fucking luck. Yeah, that's what they had Tommy Lee on. Wait, so a lot of mother-daughter teams? Some. Some. Jesus Christ. No, he didn't have a nightmare. For who? For them, for the rest of their lives. By the way, have you ever considered why all the chicks love Jesus? This is the same shit. This is the same one. He's hung like this. Yeah.

He said that this is the same shit he did every time. Don't do that. Don't do that. The whole booth loves it. You're validating the dad joke in such a profound way because you're a professional, and so he's never going to get over that you laughed at that. Another one. What does a guy who's hung like a donkey have for breakfast? Why do you say donkey? It's donkey. Is it donkey or donkey? Who says donkey?

I think East Coast, West Coast. There's no way. Someone back me up on this. It could be either one is fine. This is like elementary all over again.

Elementary. What's donkey? Elementary. Yeah, I agree. And it's donkey also. Well, donkey, there's roof and roof. This whole show is screeching halt until you get this right. Donkey. Okay. Donkey. What is a guy? It feels like your teeth are growing. Anyway, he wants to hear about the orgies. No, I was going to make a joke and I forgot what it is because I'm 74. Yeah.

What was, what the joke was, what is a guy who's hung like- What does a guy who's hung like a donkey have for breakfast? What? Well, this morning I had cornflakes with bananas. Another hit. That's another hit for sure. Aren't donkeys sterile? There's a very important thing you should know that there's an interviewer who goes backstage like with the-

Wombats. What's the sports team here called? Longhorns. The what? Longhorns. Longhorns. The interviewer goes back. Which he won't. Yeah.

What's the matter? No, that's good. She goes backstage or back in the locker room. Why are you laughing? No, I'm just listening to the story. Okay, go ahead. She goes backstage to interview the football guys who have towels on. Yes. And as soon as she walks in, they go, hey, how you doing? Nice to see you. And in the corner is a very attractive cheerleader. And she's like,

She's going, hi. And I said, what are you doing here? She goes, oh, I know the guys. You know the guys in the floor? Yeah, they let me stay here and all that. Well, why do they let you stay here? And the other cheerleaders know, well, I blew the team. You blew the team? All of them? She goes, yeah. Hi, Joe. Hi. She goes, well, that's ridiculous. They're all there waving at you and smiling. Do you want to say anything to them? Of course they're smiling. She goes, do I want to say anything? Yeah, I want to say something.

It's better with milk. Full commitment. Wow. That was killer. Why did I think that I was going to be the one to disturb him? He's taken the reins and he fits right in here. I'm the odd one out. It's fantastic. That's amazing. Can I ask you, so was there...

Why don't you do more Hungarian stuff? Yeah, I'm trying. Were there ever like hardcore groupies? Is there like a girl in every town or is there a girl that toured with you? You know what I mean? I'm married. You're going to cause such a big problem. I love my wifey. By the way, in all seriousness. This was on TV. There was a little overlap. We approached all that.

And you see the wound on my finger? You see that line? That's never going on. I know. It's the only marriage I'll ever have. I love Jim dearly. Oh, I'm sorry. Shannon. Shannon. Shannon.

It's going to be the only marriage I'll ever have. I believe it. And she says, well, what happens if I die first? I'm going to jump in right after her. It's never going to be anybody else. And there is a real psychological, it's like Jekyll and Hyde. I'm aware that in the dark days before and even during our marriage, there was a self-absorbed, arrogant liar outlaw

To myself, to her, to the kids, to everybody. Just like, hey, where are you going? Where am I going? Who wants to know? That sort of self. 30 seconds ago, you pretended to guzzle cum. And then now we're talking like really nice. I like both ends of the union. I've heard that about you.

Of course, these are semantics, but I'm not anti-semantic. No, no, not at all. Anal, was that big in the news? Thank you. Yeah, anal. Were the groupies into anal, though? He'll go to it as long as we preface it with, this is all before mom. He wants to hear the pre-all of us. We're talking like 70s. Yeah, 70s. Well, this is pre-AIDS. Yeah. You could walk into a room and there'd be somebody in your bed.

Nice. Good times. And you'd never have to, what does it all mean? Do I have my mother's hips? There's no talking. There's nothing. That's the best. God's dream. Yeah, well, you don't have to think about them as like a person. Well, you don't have to like make them a person. You can just like have the- An object. Yeah, the primal kind of tribe. A receptacle. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Boy, mom and Soph are really going to, they can't watch this, you know. They're going to kill us.

Amazing. Yes. And his sister. That's amazing. Sophie is our, but especially my...

If I'm nearing an ant that's crossing the street a block away, Dad, what are you doing? What? What? And she has to point. You can't say those words. Women will not appreciate it. Soph's a better person than he and I. Oh, you are both better people than I will ever be. I know, but so it goes, yeah. But isn't that kind of like every dad's dream? It should be. Right? Like your kids are. I tell them all the time, Sophie and Nick, be

beyond anything I ever hoped for. - When do I stop? I'm 35. Whenever anyone talks about me, they're like, his adult children. I go, what? Is that like jumbo shrimp? That's like ridiculous. - By the way, you have fucking great skin. - Great hair. - That's unreal. - Satan is the answer. - Is that how you did that? - No, honestly, my sister's the skincare guru. - But do you do shit? - No, I don't even wash my face. - Look at this guy's face.

So here's the thing. Thank you. He looks great. No, he's adorable. I don't agree. And Nick is a sweetheart. He's a sweet soul. My sister gave me one piece of advice that I do follow. The one thing I do is she goes...

sunblock every day, rain or shine, period. Like every morning, every day, sunblock is just like brushing your teeth. - So you do that? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. - So sunblock. She just says like, if you listen to nothing else, I tell you. SPF as high as you can go all the time every day. - Yeah. - Even if it's dark out, even if it's raining, just do it. - Right. - Yeah. - 'Cause it's a ball of radiation in the sky. - Yeah. - And she, by the way, hasn't aged.

Since she's 23. She looks way better than I do. She's 30. And she works with these TikTokers. And they're like, let's go to the club. And she's like, oh, no, sweetie. No, you're a child. Soon you're going to stop, if not now, talking about how old your sister is. Yeah. Well, she's...

I'm saying she looks great. She looks great. Yeah. Not how old she is. No. Well, now I'm intrigued. Girl rules are different than life rules. That's true. That is true. When can we traumatize him? Do you mind putting on those... Shades? No, no, no. The headphones. Are you going to listen to... We're going to play some stuff for you. Yeah. I just want to repeat...

No more group. Without. And Shannon knows everything. Eventually it all came out. And you've got to have that

We talked about it last time I was on. Christina's actually, she has the patience of a saint. No, may I say though, is that it is very enviable. Jean is that you had to come to Jesus. You had a turning point. You had a change. And I wish my, my father could come to that. And it's not everybody that does that. No woman is ever going to force a guy to do something. He doesn't want it. You've got to come to,

I mean, I've never been an addict of any kind, but I keep being told by people who have been, until you're ready, if you ever are, it's not going to happen. Right. I also have to sing his praises a little. He does something, he gets a lot of flack for being kind of an egotist, which he embraces, right, as his thing. One thing he does that I don't see most people do is if he is in the middle of an argument with you or somebody,

and you show him proof that he got it wrong, he will in the moment go, oh, I'm wrong. I stand corrected. Which I find that's rare. I don't even do that. I'm the worst at that. I definitely don't do that. I don't do that. I feel like that's one of the most difficult. Why? He's very good about that. So defensive. Because he doesn't want to be wrong. So he's like, whatever the... So that's something I admire about you is that I've seen you literally go, oh,

Oh, you're right. I changed my mind about that. And people are very like blown away. That takes a certain level of self-esteem. I feel like that's so, in conversation, that's like a supernova. That's rare. Yeah, very much so. So good for you, buddy. And you care for your children and your family. He is a good dad. It shows. I mean, the fact that your adult child wants to even spend time with you. I got my first tattoo. It's amazing. Whoa. At the last show.

That's awesome. He was of two minds because he's not a tattoo guy because Jew, you know. Oh, Jew. However, because Jew. And he's a big J. But I was like, well, it's the closest we've got to a family crest. And it's something you made. So I feel like it was meaningful. That's pretty rad. We got on the day of the last MSG show. And oh, look, he's all, look, he's boo-jee-boo-boo-jee-boo. Yeah, that's sweet. The biggest compliment that Shannon and I have is that

both of them still come to the house. They come by and we talk, watch movies.

When was the last time a 30-something wants to come over and hang out? That's so true. Your kids will. I hope so. For sure. We wish. How many do you have? We have two boys. Two boys. Yeah. Two boys. Five and eight. I've got a couple probably adult ones. Stop it. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's from back in, you know, they're probably 20. How old? March. How old? Our boys are five and eight.

Our boys are five and eight. Yeah. They will. It's like, I can tell by the way you describe the way you talk to them. That's it. Yeah. You talk to them like they're people. Yeah. All they do is fuck me up. I just, they just jump off a shit. Brewing your house. Into my neck. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Tell them. They like, they swear at you. Right. He doesn't know about the fuck motherfucker. Like the little guy. The little guy.

The older guy's already going, he said effing. He's like not even saying it. But the five-year-old's like, hey, what the fuck, idiot? And you're like, hey, dude. Well, for a short time, we used to have a potty box. If you said a potty word, you had to put money in the... Guess who donated the most? Mom. I know, me too. I'm such a potty mouth. She's actually the worst. I'm the reason. She's the worst. And I try to tell them, like, dude, I'm... Now, when...

He's so funny because in one second he'll be like, it's not convincing when you use words like that. And then I'll hear him and he'll go, for fuck's sake. And I'll just be like, what's real? No, I do think there's such a thing as

Real emotion and using a word almost any word to emphasize express that but yeah that was walking on streets a motherfucker came up to you know That's all I talk That's not what you're talking about and by the way a culture that invents having sex with your mother as a positive See that guy over there. No, I got a motherfucker First right. I mean I feel like it evolved anyway. I don't know fucks other people's mothers was the

Why are you looking there? I was just being creative. Anyway, sorry. What were you about to move on to? Oh yeah, sorry. Headsets. Sorry. I just wanted to show you some stuff. Are you wearing them? I'm doing that thing I hate, which is when I listen to the show I hate when you guys have guests and I'm like, I just want to hear you guys talk. I'm ruining it. No, no, this is great. You don't have a thing? I brought my own. Classic. Black guys love to fuck the fuck good.

If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at $23.95. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man.

Men from jail, homeless, or um, you're a thug, you wanna come move in, a friend can move in with you too man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss off, you beat me, I'm home now. You see me, you wanna come over today and try it out, try it out man. It's in my building, try it out. You wanna fuck a piss, let me try it out. Seriously, pride only, let's fuck man. I'm looking for hardcore guys, I mean it, I wanna do it, and I wanna deliver it. I'm a hot fuck, white trash, come jump, let's fuck.

I'm so happy right now. He's a huge Kiss fan. Tom, when did you shave your mustache? I'm so happy that I got to watch him watch RPC just now. What do you think? Yeah, how do you feel? What does it strike you as? I got a woody. Yeah? Yeah. You're aroused. If you want him to be shocked, you've got to go farther. Thank you. They've met him. Yeah. They tracked him down. They tracked this guy down. Yeah.

Was he being on or is that who he is? No, this is very much who he is. It's very much who he is. He's just horny. He puts his address, like his real address, so that people will come over. But why does he have to advertise? Just go to the corner and see a homeless guy who will move in.

Yeah, that's interesting. But then you can't like lay in bed and do it. We've never thought of that. Of course you have. Wait, that's a good point. No, why doesn't he just walk downstairs? Yeah, why the internet? They're right. He's in New York. I'm on the corner of 2325, whatever the fuck this is called. Yeah. By the way, he probably used to live near there. He was a- 124th, 1st Avenue?

Spanish Harlem. Sure. He used to teach there. Maricón Latuyo. Are you kidding? I taught school there. Yeah. You did? He used to teach history there. You did? You taught sixth grade? I said that first. Yeah. Yeah, he used to teach history. I was a sixth grade teacher in Spanish Harlem. And you learn that the word judeo, maricón latuyo, does not mean good morning, Jewish person. You fucking gay Jew. By the way.

By the way, the way I say it. Is that what he said? Yeah. Isolate that. By the way, the way I said it, it's got the right spices. Actually, you nailed it. Can I hear it again? Will you say it again? Maricón latido tu madre. Es muy trabajo. Pero judeo. Judeo maricón. Of course. It's not as good unless you put Jew in there. Well,

With anything. How's the food? It's Jew food. Wow, Dennis. Why do you parley who? Because my mother is Peruvian. My mother's from Peru. What's your mother's name? Rosario. Please say hello for me. I remember. Okay, I'll let her know. I'll let her know. I'll let her know. Jesus Christ. She'll love it. Yeah, but it didn't last long. Six months or so, the band just took off and boom. Since then. Jesus Christ. No, he didn't.

He had his own life. Oh, wait, I got to ask you this. What are you talking about? I don't even know. Are you still talking about banging his mom? No, he said he only lasted as a school teacher for six months. He moves on so quickly. I can't even. Because his brain is quick. This is what I want to ask you. This is what I want to ask you before I show you something else. I never touch. Gene's quick. This is what I want to ask you. Yes, correct. You've, over the course of this incredibly long and successful career with the band, you've replaced people in the band

Is it true that Slash tried to be or, you know, auditioned to be in the band? Yes. Can you tell us that? Richie Sambora. And Lenny Kravitz, I think. Richie Sambora. Lenny, I don't think. But Lenny showed me a photo of him dressed up like me. He was kicked out of school for coming in dressed like me when he was 56. No, when he was 13. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, everybody goes through their thing, and depending on when you're born, the time period. He's old as fuck. Yeah. Your reference points culturally and musically and everything is what's around you. Of course. I've always been surprised that there's people of note who said, like, check this out. And it's like them in costume. And I go, you? And they're like, yeah. Lawrence Fishburne? Denzel? Condoleezza Rice.

Condoleezza Rice. Really? That's the weirdest one. We were in Sweden. I got a phone call. The secretary would say, we'd like you to come upstairs again. Okay, cut it out. April Fool's Day. So we go upstairs. Secret service. It's

she's like i grew up with this and we're kind of like really that's awesome you okay i was gonna make a point but i can't for the life of me remember yeah it's gonna happen and i have a feeling it's gonna get worse that's okay but ritchie i want to make clear ritchie and slash both like auditioned oh yeah there were many others uh on drums i don't remember if carmine

Carmine Apici or Apice. Beck Bogart and Apice. I don't know if you guys know that. Do you ever have the memory of like one of those guys, obviously everything works out, but do you ever had the memory of being like, man, that kid was really good. Like it impressed you and then you didn't take them? Well, I personally, as opposed to a band decision, made the decision to tell Eddie Van Halen because I found that band in a club, signed them,

What? Her first... Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, he loves Eddie. Yeah, if you look up Gene Simmons... We've got their demo. I've heard it. It's pretty good. That is rad. So you saw that? Rad is good? Yes. Hell yeah, dude. Okay, so...

Edward, he preferred Edward, but everybody just called him Eddie. Really the groundbreaking guitarist of the period. I mean, there was Hendrix and then there was Eddie Van Halen. I forgot that he did the solo on Beat It, right? Yeah. Eddie did? Yeah, that's Eddie. And Quincy Jones just called him up and said, hey, we did this. And he did it in one take. One take. And as a matter of fact, Alex and Eddie...

helped me do demos along the way and a song I wrote called Christine 16, which was a hit and all that. Note for note, Eddie. But I just want to get to the point. He was not getting along with David Lee Roth, and there's a story behind that. And in 1982, he came down to the studio where we were working on something, and he said to me, you're looking for a lead guitar player. Let me join KISS.

And I remember saying, let's go to lunch and talk about this. Because we were using different guitar players. Ace Fraley, our original guitarist, was the first of three different times that he was asked to step aside. You can use any words you want. It was all because of drugs. I mean, it wasn't drugs or alcohol. Which affected behavior. Unprofessional behavior, not showing up and whatnot.

And we went across the street to the deli and he says, "I can't take Roth anymore. I've got to, let me join the band." And I said, "You've got to do yourself a favor. We'd love to have you in the band, but there's no room sonically. You take up too much room and there's Paul rhythm guitar and we write slightly more rock, whatever that is.

Stay in your band, rough it out. Every band, whether the Beatles, Stones, everybody turns on each other. It's tough. It's even tougher than marriages. You're with each other 24 hours a day. People call Paul his first wife. Thanks for that. I'm not going to hear the end of that from Paul. All right, you're his first wife. And he stayed with the band. I mean, eventually it had to end because...

stuff david is look it takes a unique personality to be a lead singer you're out there like a comedian one of your pods had david on who one of your guys david lee roth your friends yeah might have been rogan or something wasn't us no not us but uh yeah he he's known to to be you know kind of wacky maybe difficult or whatever his reputation at at his height

There was nobody that could touch him on that stage. Nobody. Backflips and stuff. The stage presence, the charisma, his lyrics in the band, his singing style. He was the king of the period. And everybody's got their period.

See, there's a joke there, but I didn't do it. It's okay. I want it. I know that. I have my period. I want it. Are you on your period? I have my period. Let's all talk about it. She goes, I want it. What is the male version of a period? Well, my ovaries once a month.

I don't even know what the fucking ovary is. Well, you got to get the poison. Ours is you got to get the poison out. So if you haven't gotten the poison out, that's our period. That's true. Like blue balls. Got to get that poison out of there. Tom gets diarrhea, and that's his period. I feel like when you get diarrhea, that's your period. Because blood comes out. Sure. For sure. Tons of blood. Tons.

I'm hungry now. Let's get a burger. Wait, can I ask you this about the band though? Cause that's good advice you gave him when he tried to join your band, but like, how do you sustain, like, how do you not give up on the band? You know, how do you maintain that relationship with the guys in the band through all these years, through the turmoil? Like, what do you do to, to kind of withstand it? Decisions are tough. And sometimes you have to make tough decisions and sometimes,

Truth hurts. And you've got, I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have met Paul, who is every good or better than I am, songwriting, singing, and all that stuff. And he's told me he wouldn't be here without me. And I've told him I wouldn't be here without him. But he also, him too, like he has a glass of wine now and then he was never really, he didn't do drugs at all. Like nothing. But did you guys, you guys also clashed over drugs?

Disagreed is different than clash. No, they've always been pretty good about just like talking it through. I've never seen you guys fight with a capital F. No. I've seen you guys kind of go, well, I feel strongly about that. They talk about it like it's a board meeting. See, their temperament. You're a good temperament match with Paul, it sounds like. It's called being realistic. And you don't sweat the smalls. Like, you guys don't die on every molehill. You go like, all right, he wants that. I'll give him that. I want this. There are guys that have left the Eagles and Metallica,

On their own because they. Because mama likes me best kind of thing. Yeah, it's like I'm not getting enough attention and stuff. What are you going to do now? Flip burgers and ask the next person in line, would you like some fries with that? What's your alternative? He's told me a lot that so many of the bands he knew, like the disagreement always starts with like, well, I want to stand in the center or shit like that. It was like you get, you start to worry about that crap and you don't see the big picture. You're like,

hey, you're in a famous band. Shut the fuck up and enjoy it. It's this or nothing. Why are you worried about standing on the right? When the actor that's on the hit show is like, I feel like I've... I want to model off. I want to do something else. I'm going to leave the show. You're leaving this once in a while, this gravy train? Okay, go ahead. Have some perspective. It's usually nothing. Usually people get nothing. Three's Company, Shelley Long. If I was the drummer in Coldplay, I think I'd be stoked. It's like, but Chris Martin gets all the press. Okay.

I'm making millions of dollars. Shut up. Who cares? Play the song. Sing the fucking song, man. Sing the fucking song. I want to have my moment. Go back to your sagura mansion and...

Right. Yeah, there's a lot. Once you get there, you go like, you know what? You start believing your own hype and then you start to... Well, and also too, I mean, I imagine being the face of a band and being the front man and being the one that the attention is on. Not fair to say that I'm the front man. I never introduced songs before.

Paul's always been the, all right, how y'all doing? And by the way, no one's better at that. I mean, he's got this great, you saw, he's got this quality of like talking between songs that makes you, he's got this like public speaking skill that we, that I can't imagine. You can't learn that. No, no, but I'm saying that being the front, the face of a band, of a property, it's not always great. It's a lot of pressure. So I think to be a side player is probably ideal. It's not a lot of pressure.

I'm more like you. I'm more like your personality. Yeah, like, I'm fine. I would like to be the drummer in Coldplay. You know what I mean? That sounds pretty good. The perfect amount of exposure. I get to go all the cool parties. You get to play the forum, and then you get to walk to Starbucks without anybody bothering you. Yeah. I know that U2 has multiple members, but I'm like, I don't really know what the other guys even look like. And The Edge, kind of. Kind of. And they're thrilled to be in the band. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure. And that's the point. I would be thrilled in that position. You kind of get all the best parts. Yeah.

Some people don't want all that attention. I mean, we talked about this. - Sucks. - It gives me anxiety. - Yeah, it's a lot of attention. - I got like this much quote unquote fame from being on a show with him for like seven years.

And that was way too much attention for me. I don't know how you guys are handling it. But the fame for you, that actually, I mean, does it kind of ignite you a little bit? Like, is it exciting? Whatever pays the bills. And that's not a joke. Yeah. If fame is the one where you make the money, I like it. Yeah. If being unknown is the thing that makes you the money, honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

I like it. Yeah, it doesn't care. If you're going to be a miserable son of a bitch, it's still much better to be a rich, miserable son of a bitch. There's just no way around it. Well, you've always been talked about for your business sense, too. What does business sense mean? I'll tell you exactly what it means. Okay. There's people who participate in any number of entertainment lanes, so whether they're actors. I'm glad you said that because- And they don't-

They're just like, well, I do the thing. Like I know how to act. I know how to tell jokes. You're right. And they don't have any fucking clue how things work. And I'm glad it's a lead into May 4th and 5th. Yes.

In Las Vegas, go to GeneSimmonsRecordingEvents.com. GeneSimmonsRecordingEvents.com. You can also just go to Gene Simmons. I'm doing something that no other performer is doing as far as I know. We already did one at Electric Lady. This is in Las Vegas, GeneSimmonsRecordingEvents.com. Imagine you live in Wisconsin.

and you have no idea how records are made, what a studio looks like, you would sure love to go to a recording studio and record with Gene Simmons. I'm right here.

On a 24-track master where you're the only one that's going to get a recording of that song with you singing on it or playing tambourine or doing whatever. So these events allow fans to experience something you can't get anywhere else standing alongside somebody who's been doing it longer than your mommy and daddy. And by the way, I've worn more makeup and higher heels than your mommy. Ha ha ha ha!

Thank you. So they're having you, you get to record a track with Gene Simmons producing, essentially, right? Exactly right. Wow, that's cool. Very cool. So Gene Simmons Recording Studio Events. GeneSimmonsRecordingStudioEvents.com. He'll take over the entire, you have to step in strong. And there are not many spots available because I don't want hundreds of people to be there. But this is what I'm talking about, though.

This is what I'm talking about. This is a business idea. Also, it's rewarding. You're right. If you go to Gene Simmons Moneybag Vodka, just go to moneybagvodka.com, you'll be able to order the finest vodka. I'm going to light myself on fire like the monk on the Rage Against the Machine cover. Also, we make Gene Simmons soda.

Gene Simmons. Sorry. Moneybag sodas.com. This is what I heard in the crib as like a lullaby. He would go, you know, I just trademarked the money bag and I'm like, God, God, Google. And he's like, did you know that LLCs are actually the best way to protect? That's right. That's good. Someone's got to teach you that stuff. Did the other guys, the other rock guys ever hit you up about how to do things though?

You know what I mean? Like the other... The other bands. Never? Different bands. Different bands never did? How to hit you up with what? Did they hit you up, ask you like, hey, I see that you're doing this and that. Oh, ask you. Yes. Hit you up.

He's cool and young. Be chill, dude. So the other homies... I don't talk like... English has been around a long time. Jesus Christ. Sorry. You don't need new words. Did other singers and performers ever telephone you? All the time. Okay. They fax you. All the time. All the time about everything. Do they listen? No. Right. Because imagine life or business is like a bed of roses or whatever your garden is, and everybody really admires it when it's beautiful and all that. But...

Wake-up call. Every day you've got to go in there. It's called an inferred fiduciary duty. Or on the day that you don't water the flowers and everything, they're going to start to die. And once they start to die, they go dead and you have to go back to step one. So all those days where you keep growing it, compounded interest, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, other big words like gymnasium, you keep doing that stuff.

Invest long. Stop being a short seller. Investing, I'm going to make a dollar. No, you're not going to make a dollar. You're going to make less than 50 cents on the dollar because you got your Uncle Sam there. Leave it in there. Compounded interest. Invest. Stop smoking cigarettes. Don't do stupid vacations. Okay, I'm starting. I've written a few books. One is called...

Me Inc. Me Inc. Me Incorporated. Fuck. They have clips to show you. Mother fuck. Okay, go ahead. Okay, check out this one. This one is a real... He did not follow my advice. No, he didn't. Walk out the door and pick a homeless woman. This is a... Let's just do this one. Thank you for that. Yes. That's a Japanese... So this next...

That's a Japanese scream. Interesting. I'll get to you in a second. Hold on. Is the car dented? That's interesting. The car crashed into it. Are you going to want overtime for this? Okay. He's fine. Everything's fine. I'm going to go over here. Go make a phone call. Someone's at the door. I think I left the stove on. Yeah. So, Gene, you guessed...

You guessed immediately Japan, but guess what? This wasn't in Japan. Do you want to take a second guess at the word? Austin, Texas? No, this was actually, are you ready? This was in Taiwan. Taiwan. Taiwan. Yes, sir. And he was clearly doing an impression of a Japanese, uh, that's how old of pain. I think this is good for you. This lane. Would you like to see some more things like this? Well,

Well, let me fully understand it. Somehow the car got started and crashed into him. So the guy driving, obviously, it's a manual car and I don't think he knew what he was doing. And he crashed into him. Then you hear the engine rev because he's just like continuing to. Did you say engine or engine? Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, you're right. I did say engine. Engine. And it's engine.

- Engine. - Let's catch. - Eight, nine, 10 or 10? Eight, nine, 10. - 10. - Oh my God. - Just checking. - Oh my God. - What about won or won? - Oh yeah, W-O-N. - I won the game. - Like your victory won. - Won. - Won. - Like. - Won. - Yes. - Won. I say won. I won. - No, that's a guy from Guadalajara. - Wait, wait, wait. Going back to the classics. How do you pronounce like Federal Express? Like that company? What's the short version of that name? Like UPS and. - FedEx.

He says it like you. Dude, he says it right. No, it's not right. It's FedEx. No, it's FedEx. He's right. It's not FedEx. It's FedEx. Why would it emphasize? You don't say Federal Express. You say Federal Express. FedEx. FedEx. Hey, Gene, what do you think they sell? StockX, FedEx. Hold on. What do you think they sell inside of the store called Smart and Final? What is Smart and Final? Sounds like Tombstone.

That was your best one. What? You're right. Smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're smart, but all skills are final. Use tampons. I don't know. Yes. Smart and final. What a strange juxtaposition. Listen, he's been rich for a very long time. He doesn't go to smart and final.

That's what I'm saying. So I thought it was like a final sales store. Like, yeah, you're smart, but all sales are final. Like if you shop here. Okay, I give up. Bro, it's like, what are they fucking selling there? It's just like, it's like a Best Buy or like a bulk groceries. Sorry, bulk groceries. They have them in California. Like a Costco. Smart Costco, I understand. But this is a cost company. Yes. But they should say Costco. Costco.

Yeah. There's no cost. Unless, pardon me, I burped. Unless you're mid-Atlantic like Nebraska. Yes. What's the cost of that? No, it's cost. Cost. Co. Dad, you really can't burp on this show. It's really not appropriate. I did. We forgive you. They don't do that here. No extra charge. More for Gene. Gene, what do you think of this?

No, not the dog. Three-legged dog. Oh, no. Oh, shit, dude. That was a three-legged dog. Yeah. I don't care about the guy. He couldn't believe it either. It caused the driver to slam on the brakes and then the cyclist. I think it was a cyclist. Can I see it again now? Yeah, sure. I like to see people in pain. Okay, here we go.

He sees the dog. This guy's not paying attention at all, though. Look, he doesn't even brake. Look, he's fine. Oh, full speed. Yeah. So that's his fault because he was well far enough away to stop. Could somebody please address the three-legged dog? I know. I'm hung up on it, too. Have you seen the three-legged dog before, though, right? The tripods? Yeah. I played, Nick, a video this morning that I'm afraid to... The teacher? The teacher's... Playing with fire. I think three-legged dog was your nickname when you were in kids. All right, settle down. Jesus.

What was the teacher? I can't. You'll get in trouble. Really? It's a... It's so... Just don't say anything. By the way, it's heartwarming. They'll like it. Okay. There's a teacher, an elementary school teacher, and she has two heads. Oh, I've seen it on TikTok. And it's... It's those famous ones, conjoined twins. It is fascinating and alarming. Yeah. And the children...

don't react in any way shape or form and they react to both voices now we had a thought oh there it's nice everything's fine they had a TV show these two were on Abby and Brittany I just feel bad of course we had a thought experiment now let's say one of them commits a crime how does the law punish one and not the other that's your question I'm

more basic stuff. You can't send them to jail because that's committing an innocent person to jail. So many basic. They both date separately. Yeah. Yeah. They both date like different guys. If you try to kill yourself is that attempted murder? Yes.

Yeah, that would be, yeah. Suicide is illegal. No, no, I know. But if you're a conjoined twin. Not in general. You're one of those. In this case, in this specific case. But I think F and one and not liking the other is a kind of a thing, right? How do you... Your fucking sisters are conjoined. Did you have a three-way? Technically. Yeah. Did you? Yeah. Because it's one... What does she do? Does she put on headphones? But the thing we both agreed... Beats noise canceling? The thing we both agreed on is...

Whether you're a little person or a person who's Siamese twin or conjoined twins or any other way, whatever complaints we have about life. Yeah, some perspective. It means nothing. Yeah. Of course. That's a good point. I'd also go back to those bands you mentioned. It's like, I don't get enough spotlight time. It's like, this is your issue? This is your problem? I mean, where we live, there's a famous song called the Beverly Hills Blues. You know how it goes? Bam, bam.

My limo is late. People complain a lot. Yes. A lot of complaints. Thank you for that. Oh, this was cool. It's just a guy fighting off a crocodile. Have you seen the lady hitting the crocodile with a pan? Have you seen that? What is he doing? He thinks that he's going to take care of the gator.

by throwing his jacket over its eyes, like a full-grown gator. Take care means what? I'll get this thing. I'll get rid of it. Everybody stand back. I got it. This guy's out of his fucking mind. You can do it from far away. That's probably a better option for this. Or maybe call animal control. So this is Florida then. Or send a chew in there. Bait. Give it something to eat. Absolutely. Yeah, your leg. Man, what the hell? Was that English? Yeah.

That's what I did. Oh, he's out. He lost consciousness for a second. He landed on his face for a second. I think he was out at the bottom there. I think he lost... I have to hear again to hear him. No, I got to hear him speak again. Okay. What the hell? What the hell? Oh, what the hell? Yeah. He sounded like Hank Hill there. Oh, that was a rough one. That'll teach you for mispronouncing English. Oh.

Thank you for that. Oh, God. That is horrible, Paul. No, he's not good. Oh, oh, oh, still going. Salt the, salt the driver. What exactly did he say? Oh, hell no. Oh, what the hell? Oh, what the hell? God, that's my worst nightmare, is slipping on ice like this. Oof.

My mom did it. She had to get screws in her arm. Yeah. My sister had to rush her to the hospital during a blizzard. There was a bone sticking out. Yep. What city? She was in Whistler, and she fell down her stairs, and she had a bone sticking out of the thing, and they had to put screws through the arm. Holy shit. You've had some interesting. Yeah, I had a gnarly one, but it didn't break the skin. He tore his patella tendon, which is a...

What is that? Left knee and then I broke my arm. Sounds like patootie. There's 4K footage of it. It's pretty cool. I have never, thank you for asking, I've never had an operation. I've never had any accidents. Never. No. He has set himself on fire a few times. That's an accident. But his hair was so big it didn't touch his skin. I remember that. I paid for that. Really? Of course. He's like, it doesn't count. Because that was a pyrotechnics accident? I spit fire every show. Oh, right.

And you got settled on a party. Oh, that's right. No, I saw you. You spit water on me. You threw a towel at me. You threw a pick at me. It was fun. Every show. It was good for you. It was good for me. It was good. And then people behind us demanded it. They were like, please give me that. Spitty towel. They will beat you up for it. And I've seen it. It felt like it. And there was like a middle-aged woman who was like, fuck, why'd you get that? Give me the cum towel. Yeah. I want the. Okay. Yeah. How about this? Smile for the camera, see? Yeah.

No. Why? God. No, she doesn't need a hand. She's about to lose a hand. That's more white people shit. It is. Oh, that snake's hungry. Oh, it's going to break her arm.

Oh, it will. It'll cut the circulation off. Okay. Hold on, wait. Watch how he helps her. Here, let me help the snake out of it. Let me give the snake more leverage. While she's busy mouncing... Keeps going, keeps going. This is the best part. Okay, we're almost off the arm. I need you to unwrap her from my shoulder, please.

Oh, no. Still. This is why you have two people. Can we see if we can get her off of my arm? Yeah, I think that's the point. Oh, she's on the leg now. She's on the leg. So, get the snake hook and see if you can get it inside her. I don't blame the snake at all. I feel bad for the snake. It's going to keep squeezing. No, no.

My blood is dripping too. You see her blood drip? I gotta say, she stayed really calm and controlled. Yeah, she still thinks she's doing an instructional video. She's like, as you can see, she's breaking my shin bone right now. How did it turn out? That's why you always need two people. She died. It ate her. Yeah. It ate her. It ate her, yeah. But we got another video. Wait, wait. Three, two, one. I can't even see my helmet. I know. Shit. Shit.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck is right. Another thing I want to point out. Another thing I want to point out. The guy was like, another thing I want to point out. I have one thing to say. Hmm.

If you go to Gene Simmons Recording Recording Event Gene Simmons Recording Studio Events dot com Can I do that again? You can get one of the few remaining seats. It's like Looney Tunes shit. This is so fun. It's like Wile E. Coyote. Like what went wrong? Is it the You want to know what happened here? Yeah, what went wrong? Okay, so this guy right here I'll let you watch it one more time. Three Two One

Why is the mannequin head behind him? I know. Shit.

Call 911. Oh, fuck. Why was he doing that? What's bleeding? So this guy is Adam Knowles. He's making a YouTube video about the dangers of blastback created by the RPG7. Mission accomplished. He was knocked out, left with a fractured skull, broke his jaw, wounded by the shrapnel, third-degree burns, bleeding from his brain. He was airlifted to a hospital, doesn't remember a thing, and now he owes $300,000 in hospital bills.

But he got this video, which was cool. Did he do it again? No, I think he's done. If he sells ads on YouTube, that'll cover it. Yeah, sure. It's a pretty great, cool video, right? I'll keep watching it. And he's at the forum next week. That's right. He does stand-up now. He does. He did a great job. I think worth it. That was insane. It goes brain bleed, stand-up. Real estate.

I like it because it's a Razor scooter. Yeah. Fuck that guy. It's a what scooter? It's a scooter. Yeah. Yeah. That's better. Ride a skateboard like a man. There we go. There's no more skateboarding. Oh, fuck. Holy fuck.

Will he do it again? My favorite is that the skateboard came to finish him off. Oh, I didn't even realize that. It's like, no, you're not getting up. But salute to the camera guy for doing the job. Matt props. You don't put the camera down and see if your friend's okay. You keep rolling. You keep rolling. You're a big skateboarder, right? No, I don't get it. This is pretty crazy to you.

Anything that's life-threatening for free is idiotic. Bungee jumping. He did race cars recently. Why? It was fun. It was really fun.

I was the marketer for IndyCar. Indy 500. I changed their name from IRL to IndyCar. That was my campaign. I am Indy because I love the way I feel when I get behind the wheel. You won't get behind the wheel. You won't do it. Hell no. I couldn't tell you a thing about it, but that's not the idea. The guy that sells the car has the idea.

has no idea how it's built. But the guy that builds the car has no idea how to sell. Right. I know how to sell. Sure. I can drive my truck. I don't get into accidents or anything. But if you lift the hood... That is untrue. Can't tell you...

a thing about the engine. Well, holy shit, that's not true. If you go to jeansimmonsrecordingevents.com and if you're in Vegas, you can do... Did you say jeansimmonsrecordingstudioevents.com? Oh, studio, yes. It's a really catchy short name. Which one? Recording... For a website. jeansimmonsrecordingstudioevents.com Fuzzy balls plopped menacingly on the table, incorporated.com. Take me mountain off of this. Come.

Is that Natasha Bedingfield? Yeah. Why would you do that? That was not the best way to go. I wish she hit the floor harder. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I want more. I wish it was more. Yeah. I agree. I wanted her to be punished. Yeah. Do you get pushed? Oh, my God. Oh, he broke his back. That was terrible. He just went ragdoll. Yeah, dude. Look how far he goes. Oh.

Yeah, he broke his back. He heel tapped the back of his head. When you want women to be hurt more, do you get blowback? Blowback. It's a relative term. Do you get pushback? No, you can't say pushback either. From women? You're in the right show. Oh, no. No, our audience isn't lame.

It's times like this when I wish Nadav was still in the booth because I know he was injured from a trampoline accident and this used to upset him so much. He would hate this. He would hate this. It's okay. We can send it to him. Can you text him? Sure. I send him stuff all the time. Nadav's not here. They're only Jew. No, Josh Zoller's a Jew. Yeah, I'm still here. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. The question is, and only Jews have this, are you a Jew or are you Jewish? Ooh.

You can't be a Christian. You can't be Christian-ish or Buddhist or Islam-ish. It's like, I don't mean like in movies, but like Kirk Douglas was a Jew, not Jewish. Woody Allen is Jewish. I'm Jewish. Blonde mom. Where are you going? Have you got cash on you? A little bit. Well, that's very sad the way you said that. It's not that much.

A little bit. It's what you handed him earlier. But you have tens and fives and all that? Yes, a few. Can I have two tens for a five? Sure. No, stop. Why are you humoring him? You're making my life real hard when I get home. I thought I'd make a few bucks. Yeah, yeah. He's going to be springing his step back. So it's a way of acting. Yeah. What do you consider yourself? Jew. He's like the final boss Jew at the end of the video game. Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas, Edward G. Robinson, uh...

- Chaim Lipschitz. - The studio heads, but Kirby Enthusiasm and Woody Holland, they're Jewish. - Very. - Seinfeld is Jewish. - Gotcha. - It's a way of acting. - It's a way of acting, yeah. - I got that, that makes sense. - Where you going, what are you doing? - Who wants to know? - Your Jewish conversation is, how are you? How am I, how should I be? Who wants to know? Why are you asking? You know, just endless questions. - Yes, yes. - That's Jewish. - Neurotic kind of, yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, that was the old guy, the Jewish guy that we had. He was like, yeah, I don't know if I did all the clips right. Yeah, Nadav was like that. Oh my God, it's like he's here. But then we got another like a spry young Jewish guy. Younger Jewish. Yeah. Nadav, every show he would come in and be like, you know, and we were like, Jesus Christ. A younger Jew or a younger Jewish guy? I think he should speak for himself. I'd say Jew. I try not to be too Jew-y. Where does Jew-y fall on the scale? Oh, great question. He's kind of Jew-y. In jail. Yeah.

Jail's Jewy. Perfect. Not allowed. By the way, do you want to tell Gene about your curations? Yeah. Are you familiar with TikTok? It's a platform. No, I just landed on Earth. Are you familiar with TikTok? I've never had that question asked. Okay, he doesn't know how to work it. Let's not get too crazy. Yes, I know. The Chinese. Yeah. Yeah.

He's not wrong. He's not wrong. Well, normally it's for, you know, fun videos where like pretty girls lip sync and dance and stuff. But I like to find the outliers, the people doing unique things on TikTok. Sometimes illegal things. Yes. I curate the absurd ones. We'll just see what you think. Just tell us how you feel. Yeah. Oh, good boy. Is she going to fall on that? Why did the couple buy a loaf of bread on their wedding day? They wanted to grow mold together.

Y'all have a great day. Take care. He should never be on any anywhere. It shouldn't be anywhere ever.

Hate from Los Angeles. He should never be on anything anywhere. Hate from the world. It's horrible. Thank you. Now, here's my question to you. Don't believe the positive comments. Here's my question. Most men on TikTok are doing something to get laid. Is this his way of attracting women? No, he's clearly gay. He's not. What?

Which is fine. It's for men. That's not a heterosexual man. No.

Which is fine. It's fine. It's totally fine. I mean, I don't care if your farm animals is your thing. No, I care about that one. I just mean if you like it grilled or rare. I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. All right. No. But this gay man is just doing these videos. Well, I mean, it seems to me, and it's fine. It's fine. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. It's corny. But he shouldn't be seen anywhere. It's not even corny. It's sad. It's very sad. Sad and gay. Let's move on. You can't do that.

You can't do that anymore. Oh no. Jesus, what are you doing? That sounds like artillery fire in the distance.

That sounds like an insurgency is happening down the street. You can't comment on that. Well, I'm just talking about the fart. What are you talking about? There is nothing you can say. Spider-Man is cool. That is. Oh, I see Spider-Man. Yeah. What are you talking about? Created by Steve Ditko. The cover, though, was drawn by Jack Kirby, inked by Dick Ayers on Amazing Fantasy number 15. Jesus. That's the level you're into this?

He's a big comic book fan. We go to the Marvel movies together. You do? It's the thing. It's the father-son thing. No, too much. Every girl within a thousand yards runs away.

Did you ever get to meet Stan Lee? Yes. In fact, we had Kiss Comics, the largest selling... Of course. Hold on. Not only did he meet Stan Lee, he was in Marvel Comics. They had Kiss and the Fantastic Four fighting Doctor Doom. I beat up Doctor Doom. Amazing. Was that a thrill to meet Stan for you? Very fun. Sure. And I told him more than he ever thought anybody knew. Your real name is Stanley Lieber. Your brother's name is Larry Lieber, who's not as good of an artist as even Herb Trimpey.

And we flew up to the Boston facility where they put ink, you know, because they had different colors, different colored inks for the illustrations. And we poured our blood into the red ink. Nice. And literally, and we had it. Anyway, it was the legal people kept track of it and all that. It was really that. So that when we become extinct.

a thousand years from now, and aliens land here and find Kiss Comics, they will be...

They'll be able to reimagine what human beings were like. The DNA. Yes. That's so smart. You think it's only 1,000 years, huh? No. That's all we got? You're welcome. Disclosure's coming, 2027. I love this idea. 2027? Yeah. Disclosure, 2027. What happened? The Jews are taking over? The Jews are taking over, yeah. Boy, those tunnels really didn't make us look very good, did it? No. Jesus. What is 2027, Tom?

Oh, sorry. What is 2027? I thought you got rid of the fart, Mike. Aren't you married? Disclosure. What's 2027? So in Congress, actually right now, they're passing legislation for disclosure. It's true. Chuck Schumer is pushing a bill, meaning that all the government agencies that have been concealing what type of alien technologies we actually have and have been developing behind closed doors has to be disclosed to Congress because there have been all these programs that have been operating...

you know, whatever under the radar. And so Congress is now investigating it. It's true. In that way, I'm agnostic. I think most people are, no matter what your point of view is, show me. Yeah. I mean, I'm excited. I want it. I want it to be true. Whether you believe in it or not, if you, I'm excited. If you believed something else and,

You're allowed to say I was wrong. They are real. Yeah. It's exciting. Show this. Just three more years. Yeah. That's it, buddy. And if they don't review it at all, they get in trouble. This is on a cruise ship? It's the Kiss Cruise. It's the Kiss Cruise.

We have kiss cruises. It's a kiss cruise. Not this one. That's not yours. Not that one. Could be. That would suck, right? To be on this one? Is that it? The scary thing is if it's coming from the bottom or the top. I thought somebody was going to slip and slide. Oh, right. That's a good point. That's a big point. That's a really good point. It's a distinction. I saw Titanic. Well, to clear the palate, here's another gay joke. What drink makes you go, punch, punch?

If you like that, please like and subscribe. Take care. It took longer to say like and subscribe than the whole other thing. He sounds like a very friendly, nice... Hate from Austin. Man. Guy. Yes.

Homosexual man. And that's okay. Prescribe. He should have done the last part over again. Come in my eyelids and shut them. He flubbed subscribe. He flubbed it. He shouldn't have flubbed that. He should have retaken it. Shit in my cereal. That's wonderful. Shit in my cereal and I'll drink it in front of you while making heavy eye contact. Oh my God. Would you do that? No. So you choose don't do that. No.

So I've collected a series of white people traveling. That actually gives me like real. No, it's terrible. People do this shit for fun and they post it like, hey, I'm in Pakistan. Like, why? Why are you doing that? Everybody asks me if, you know, the family is going to Whistler. Are you going to ski? I go, I'm not skiing. I'm a Jew.

Jews on skis. That's wrong. Wrong. It doesn't sound right. And you don't miss it at all. You don't actually. Miss what? Breaking my back? That's what I'm saying, though. But none of it's tempting to you. Hell no. No. Because there's only one. She's risk averse. There's only. Yeah. So there's only one mistake. You're going down. You have no control. And if you make a mistake, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah.

John Denver. He's like, I don't know. That's not worth it. John Denver. That's how he went out. Sonny Bono. Yes, that's right. Gwyneth Paltrow. And that guy. I'm thinking of Sonny Bono, not John Denver. Sonny Bono crashed into a tree. Liam Neeson's wife died that way. Oh, yeah, that's right. The brain bleed. That was crazy. That's right. Died. Later on.

No thanks. Not counting all the people who break and break. And I, I speak a few languages. You know, that English is very bizarre. Hmm. Yes. Is it? You don't know. Tell me. He's bilingual. You break what? Uh, Spanish and English. Yeah.

Hungarian, German, Hebrew, English. Oh, my God. And my son is learning to speak Japanese. Oh. Let him have it. Wow. But, you know, I made the mistake of saying that in...

So that's like the wrong thing to say, actually. I said that in Japan. And I didn't realize the way you say you don't like something in Japanese is you say the little translation is like, it's a little, and then you just kind of trail off. So what I just said is like, I speak a little Japanese. I speak a little, which kind of to them sounds like I'm saying, Japanese is meh. So I said that to everyone I met. I speak a little bit. And they're like,

okay, you don't really like it. Why are you doing it? Stop that. Stop doing that. I'm like, oh, okay. Thanks, man. So I learned that too late. What were we talking about? People getting hurt. More. Yeah, there is no reason unless it's for a lot of money to do anything that's... No, that's the fun game to play with it is when you have a proposition like going airtight or whatever, how much would it take? How much would it take you to go skiing? How much? One run down the hill.

On skis. No training. Just straight. No training? Give it a shot. Well, they can give you a little lesson. How much of a thing? It's not like the Diamond Hill, but it's like, you know. I don't know what diamond. To a Jew, that sounds like heaven. It's not super advanced. Diamond Hill. All right. It's intermediate. One run. 250 grand. Jesus Christ. Wow. I actually thought he was going to go higher than that. What about to take this bus ride that we just watched? Yeah, the bus ride. How much to go on the Himalayas and bus ride? How much? Yeah.

No amount of money. No, no, no. Hold on. There's a number. There's a number. Why? Because you're King Jew shit. Come on. King shit Jew. Can I point out if you fall, you die. Yes, I do. But then I get it. So that's cool. Gene Simmons gum. Gum? Gum. Okay. They have more stuff. Yeah, but this is interesting. Show me the gum. Gene Simmons gum.

You can pull up Gene Simmons gum. This is my entire life. Okay, put it up. We can do this for you. Can you put it up? What is it with parents and talking to Siri? Jesus Christ. What is with that? Can you bring up the story about that first one? My kids can't do it either. Stop.

You guys. It's that same lady with the towel. It says Gene Simmons chewed gum auctioned off for over $245,000. Yeah, but don't make me look like an asshole. It says Singer plans on donating the proceeds to Chew. He kept all the money and sent it on diamonds. Fuck those kids. It said...

plans on donating yeah we no no all of money went to the children's hospital really yeah no it went to the Jewish tunnels in Brooklyn oh my god there are there are I know every conspiracy theorist was like aha I knew it Jewish tunnels you don't know about this no tunnels everywhere under the synagogues what under the synagogues yes there are tunnels in New York yeah

Who didn't tell, there's already stand-up bits about it. DeRosa did a bit about it. Do you not know about this? This is so exciting. Annie, Zolo, can we give a lowdown on what happened here? They found mattresses. This is a huge news story. It's in New York City. There's all these tunnels and there's mattresses that they found. There's theories that there's human trafficking going on. I know a little bit. There's this guy on Twitter.

This is my favorite story about this. So this is a huge news story. The Hasidic Jewish community in Brooklyn has been building secret tunnels underneath other people's property from their homes to synagogues. It started during COVID, apparently. They were trying to go worship, and they wouldn't let them out or whatever. So they built tunnels, and there was other reasons, I guess. But there was this guy on Twitter who he tweeted in like –

2020 or something. I hear Yiddish under my floorboards. There's Jews in my house. There's Jews under... I don't have a basement. There's Jews under my floorboards. Everyone was like, you racist, crazy son of a bitch. And then later he said...

You all owe me a fucking apology because it hit the national news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what about, why did it show them like destroying the walls inside the synagogue? They got arrested. They were like freaking out though. Illegally built. Oh, they fought the cops. They like got in fistfights with the cops. Oh, for arresting them for building a, well, yeah, you can't just build tunnels if you feel like it. Under people's property. Yeah. It's crazy. That's pretty crazy. Oh, so you didn't know what I was talking about. I had no idea. And I was like, those tunnels didn't make us. But you can't also go.

on January 6th and do whatever you want to do in the condo. People do what they... This is not an insult. We didn't build the tunnels. We're fine. We didn't? No, not you and I. Yeah.

By the way, what's 12 inches in Jewish? Tell me. Nothing. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I'm pretty sure that is the one he told you. Thank you. Thank you. We're not gang rivals. We're lovers. And their cultural backgrounds mean that their relationship hasn't always been plain sailing. You can't live your life expecting people to just fully embrace you all the time. That's just not how life is in our culture. The gay man, it's an embarrassment. That's what's up. What do you think? That's okay. Just like the joke guy.

It's just like the gifts. It is harder. I don't mean that way. It's more difficult for them, bless them, for their particular lifestyle to

because that culture doesn't readily accept. Sure. Yeah, I mean, gangbanging? Yeah. Like, you don't. And it is, forget about politics or anything, there are well-intentioned trans people, gay people, all wonderful human beings and blah, blah, blah, who march right alongside certain Middle Eastern political groups, not realizing that if they did that on the streets of those countries, they would be killed. For sure. They have no idea. The college kid irony. What a beta! Yeah.

So there's also weird stuff that we find. Is that, it looks like it's misspelled. Is it spelled correctly? It just embarrasses me. It doesn't look right. You're right. I don't think, is there two R's in there? I don't think there is two R's. Is there? Yeah. There are two R's. Oh, E-M-B-A-R-E-S-S. No, I think that's right. It just looks wrong. Interesting. Yeah, that's right. Embarrassing.

Maybe it's just the glasses on his head. I do like we all have that quality of like laser focusing in on something very small like grammar and just derailing an entire. I do do that a lot. Have you ever done Mike Nastics, Gene? Sorry. Have you ever done this? No. Why would you post the one where you knock the bar over? I'll be honest. I can't do that.

No way. This is hard. Did you do any fitness routine over the years? Nothing. He used to be a lifeguard. I was a lifeguard. Every once in a while, I went through maybe the 30s or 40s where you start lifting a little bit.

Then you go, I don't like this. And then you go running. I don't like this. You schvitz. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't like that. I don't like to schvitz either. But hiking is okay. But don't you schvitz during hiking? Oh, you can slow down. Okay. That was very Jewish, the way you did that. You can slow down. What's the deal? By the way, you know why Jews have calluses on the bottom of their earlobes? No. Oh, my God.

No, it wasn't. Stop saying it's good. Thank you for that. It was good. Yeah, you, comment over there. Thank you. Comment! Hey, Soul Train. No. He did not call any comments.

That was the best thing that's ever happened on this show. That's great. That was so great. He just made my life. Common is very handsome and talented. He is. And so is Eni. Eni's very talented. I'll take it. Very handsome man. Take that to the bank, Common. Why don't you write a little song about it? Common. Now I can't unsee that, too, with the facial hair and everything. I know. He's stylish. I don't know why you're shaking your head. He's a good-looking guy. It's better than what I get. I get fucking Adam Driver all the time.

Oh, you're way better looking than I am. Everybody goes like, oh. I didn't call you Cedric. Cedric? Cedric the Entertainer. He's overweight. That guy's skinny as hell. I didn't call him that. That's right. Why would you? Because it's another black. Because he doesn't. I got two go-to blacks. He doesn't look like Cedric.

Oh, shit. No, actually, the common thing is like, that was fucking perfect. That was spot on. It's a really good note. Please stop encouraging him. That was great. What do you think of this, though? This is also perfect. Probably 90% of people that see me automatically think I'm gay. It's perfect. You know, I went to a beer garden in our little town, and I was talking to a woman. She goes, this is my husband. And that was the first thing he said, are you gay? Yeah.

I said, no, why? Why? Because of what you're wearing. I said, well, you don't have to be gay to wear a skirt and high heels. No, you do. Yeah, you do. I said, no, I'm not gay, but I'm wearing a skirt and high heels. No, no, you are. And it's okay. You can see the wheels turning instead of how's this possible. My take on this is a little milled ground between, it's like everything he says is totally right. I just think it's weird to be surprised that somebody might say that.

I know. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not... When people are like, holy shit, you're tall, I go like... That's annoying because everyone says it to me all the time, but it's not weird that that guy had that reaction to me because that was just his natural... So, like, when that guy goes like, you're gay, this guy should be like, well...

I acknowledge that probably in this guy's life experience, almost everyone he's ever seen. Yeah. He's incorrect, but like, it's not weird that he was like, it's not an improper assumption. It's not a wild walk up and go like, are you a cop? He's like, no, why would you, we should stress.

It's okay. Everything's fine. Somebody thinks you're gay and you're not. It's okay. It's like, let them think whatever they want. There's that. Like, it's not an insult. Right. So why are we... You just thought I was gay. Who's upset about what? Yeah. Oh, no, I'm not. It's fine. Everything's cool. A lot of us have jacked guys off before. Yeah. Who hasn't? But he's gay. Not even a joke. How do you think Tom and I met? If he...

all right whatever it is okay and i do love this those shoes are great common what do you think my sister my sister is going to literally take us aside and she's going to be like this is a bad like this she's good she's gonna sophie and shannon are both here no no in spirit yes she is oh she's gonna be so mad

Everything's jokes. It's all jokes. They're doing a podcast, Sophie and Nick. No, Christina's the one that, I mean, gave a blessing and was very nice. Yeah, of course. As you should. We're trying. We're going to give it a shot. You are. But it's just a fan cast of you guys. This is all you, Howie. I love that. All you, baby. Baby crab, did you want a pet crab? He's not going to get hurt, is he? Okay, mama's got you. That's clearly Howard Mandel. Mama's got you. Yeah. That's hilarious. That was fun, huh? Uh-huh.

Do you think the crab knows where they are? No. No. It's trying to find food. Is that a pin cushion? Yeah. It's a beret. A little mushroom. You can put a beret on a crab before a dummy? Yeah. Isn't that a pin cushion? Yeah. Did you get scared because you saw other kids? Other kids. She has no problem. I'm mental or otherwise. Do you want to go in the swings?

I don't know that you need to baby talk a crab. Yeah, I don't think you need to either. Because I think that's just for her. That's just for her. What's your favorite memory of being with your dad? It's when we took our pet crab to the fucking park. No, it's my favorite memory of all. Yeah. Oh. That you can share, obviously. Birth isn't bad. I don't remember that.

I don't know. That's a good, I'd have to think about it. I don't know. I mean, I, uh, the, the, honestly, this last tour was pretty, pretty epic, right? Because I didn't, I, he never took me out of school or whatever. I didn't, I never toured with him until I was an adult. I was going to say to be able to tour, like to experience it as an adult. Yeah. I got lucky that, you know, it lasted long enough that I got to do that as in my adulthood. So that was, I mean, we travel, I saw, I don't know, a hundred, how many countries did we see?

Well, they went to – and he was – And my girlfriend Kelty came to get with me. And Nick was so outgoing in terms of I want to appreciate your culture and I'm not going to be the ugly American. Go ahead. Oh, so we went to South America and I was like, you know what? Kelty and I were like, let's agree to not be those –

- The ugly American. - However they do it, let's try it. Whatever food, however they cook it, let's just immerse ourselves and not demand it be the same everywhere. Within about two months,

I was like, give me some fucking eggs that are scrambled and fully cooked for fuck's sake. Like, I just want my goddamn... I became him. They were running. So when he came home, like, always in my childhood, I remember him just being very particular about his food orders, and I just never could figure out why. And then I realized, like, you just want something familiar. Familiar, yeah. And you were on a huge tour. You must feel that way. Yeah, of course. Totally. It's not even like a... Like, I thought it was this diva, like, you start thinking you're hot shit thing. It's like, you just...

It's hotel and hotel and hotel and hotel. New light switches and new things. And then you kind of go just like, I just want scrambled eggs. And then they come and they're like liquid. And you're like, motherfucker. And you just kind of like become this like bad customer. Yeah. And so that happened. But I don't... And then he was like, welcome to my life. He was like... But I don't have...

I mean, I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy. There's no Dale. You always say this. It's such bullshit. He's like, I'm so low maintenance. You're the most high maintenance person on earth. I don't eat crabs, lobsters, aliens, suction cups. Yeah, but if the fucking toast is not just right, you'll send it. It's like I need it. But it's toast. Can I tell them about the coffee ritual? Yes. Okay. Picture, you know, you took your parents to like five-star restaurants. Sure, sure. And they order A1. Yeah, yeah.

You have it good because this is what I deal with. We're going to Michelin star something in Tokyo. I always thought Michelin was about tires. I know the reason for that. It was to sell more tires because they realized if they gave people more, like this place deserves a special trip. That's a three-star place. It's a ranking by tires. If they drove to more restaurants, they'd sell more tires in the beginning. That's how it started. So it was a guide to where you should drive. Anyway, back to the thing, ADD.

So he will have, he did this morning. He goes, I want coffee in a paper cup. And this is like, again, no matter where we are. It stays hot. Yeah. He'll go, I want a paper cup, the biggest one you got. And I want a pot. And he'll go like this, a pot of coffee so I can report. And they go, okay. And so they'll bring him like the best cup they got. And then he'll go, not hot enough. Microwave it. And then they go, do you want us to make you a hotter one? He's like, no, no, I want you to put this in the microwave.

at this Michelin star restaurant and they'll go like, uh, yes. So, so then they'll microwave it. Finally, like they'll find a way. Some put them in the oven or something cause they don't have a microwave cause it's a nice restaurant. They'll bring it back and he'll go, I want a cup of ice cubes.

And they'll go, what? It goes, yeah, it's too hot now. I want a couple of ice cubes. I control the heat. He wants it exact. There's an exact. He wants it from here to here. So he puts a couple ice cubes, but then he'll talk to us. He'll wait on his scone because it didn't come at the same time. It'll get too cold. He'll have them microwave it again. Really? And this will happen maybe at least two or three times. And it's every time. So.

So I will usually go to the bathroom and just like wait it out. But I pay for the rope when they're back. And he literally, I saw him say this to a Michelin star like restaurant with the chef. He goes, well, at Burger King, they let you have it your way. And the guy is like short circuiting. And he's like, ah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what?

It takes a while for some people to figure out to ask for what they really want. And he goes, I'm a simple guy with simple needs. No, you're not. I don't eat day-old caviar from the Caspian Sea. I don't care about...

Anything that crawls sideways and where the eyes can go over the shoulder. Those are aliens on 2027. Oh, he's well done. Steak guy. Just like top. Every time. Burn it. Send it to hell and back. He says, send it to hell and back to the, that's how you want it. Like well done. The color is here, sir. It's cooked in its own juices, bitch. They don't have juices. It's blood.

That thing where you press it and the little vein goes, and it comes, the blood. That's blood. So good. So at a steakhouse, you're like, well done. Butterfly it. And what?

No pink at all. None. Zero. Black inside. And I'm guessing no sushi. That's off the table. No. You see, a long time ago, man invented fire, and it was okay to take your food you just killed and put it in the fire. You don't have to eat it raw anymore. So not an adventurous eater. I'm not. We'll say that. No, I'm much more like him. I want to see the cool stuff. I have seen him put things in his mouth, suction cups and

I just... Do you have more to show? Sorry, we're running. No, no, we're good. This is super fun. How old were you when you... Do you know Garth Brooks? Does he know me? Yes. Have you guys hung out? He was on the Kiss tribute album. Oh, yeah, that's right. No shit. They're pals with Garth. How was that? Garth's two biggest influences were Kiss and James Taylor. Did you think he was weird? Not at all. Really? You didn't think he was a strange guy? Tom.

He's a strange guy. If you Google Garth Brooks and Kiss, you'll see him together with us performing Hard Luck Woman. As far as I'm concerned. Yeah, this is not the litmus test for who's acting bizarre or odd. Yeah, right. Yeah. Wow. Just as eccentric.

Holy shit, that's in 94? Oh yeah, the MTV Unplugged, right? I put together a Kiss tribute album called Kiss My Ass with the flags and all, and each country had its own flag on it. Yes, he put together his own tribute album. That's correct. You heard it correctly. Garth Brooks, Lenny Kravitz. It's a great idea. It is very cool. It actually is. Why wait for somebody else to throw you a party? Throw your own party. 100%. It's a great idea.

That's so cool. Gene, are you going to miss the touring now? No, I think being a realist and a pragmatist, it simply means you have to have a sense of when it's time to get out of the ring. How many world champions, I mean, world champions, unequaled, have stayed in the ring too long and get their ass handed to them by chumps, little guys, just because you go too long.

I want to go out on the tsunami. You're a surfer. Go out on top and look back at something with pride. You don't want to remember being naked Elvis on the bathroom floor. So the last show that I saw, which was on this tour, it really was amazing. You feel comfortable being like, that's it. We're done. No more. The December shows in the garden, we raised that because we did lots of other stuff. And we debuted our Kiss avatars. Mm-hmm.

Which I don't want to talk too much about. They're going to do like the Bee Gees thing. That's cool. In the same way that you two at the sphere. The holograms. Is beyond anything. These things are going to take a life of its own. So the caterpillar, in essence, becomes the butterfly. Kiss.

ends and begins. - But you're cool with like, you're comfortable now to-- - I make a living. - It was actually weirdly emotional, the last show, and it also doesn't match the lyrics at all. So it's like, my girlfriend is kinda crying and they're going like, ♪ Lick it up, lick my balls ♪ And they're like, it's so beautiful, it's such a legacy. It's like, oh my God. - You do have an amazing legacy. That's an incredible thing you guys did. - It's so wonderful. ♪ Fuckin' fuck you ♪ - It's amazing.

Fucking fuck you. That's one of your lyrics. Fucking fuck you. He does have a great lyric that I like to bring up called, I want to something, I want to get in your face. I've got nasty habits. It's a fine line. So many girls and so little time. When love is its head.

I want to get on your case. Oh, yeah, this one. I want to put my log in your fireplace. Put my log in your fireplace. That's what's up. That's what's up. That's actually real songwriting. It's curious to me how white people try to sound black. It's just not convincing. This was up. Oh.

What did you say? Tom's a proper hip-hop fan. That's right. That's what's up. By the way, Tom is... That is what's up. Tom is black, by the way. Yeah. Tom is? My mother's black. You're black? You have to pee really bad. Really bad. You don't like holding it in? Sorry I went so long. It's a lot of personalities. I can hold it in forever. I can drink. I gotta pee. So little Segura kid is growing up and...

You reach a certain age and then you have a sense. I know what I want to do. Yeah. When is that? When is that? Stand up, I guess. For me? Oh, I think I knew I wanted to, I think I knew I wanted to perform in some way probably when I was like 10, 11, yeah, like 10 years old.

So you'd jump up on the coffee table and you'd... I just liked... I wasn't a class clown. I was more like lay back and then I would just throw out comments and sometimes everybody would laugh and that was just like a real drug. Did you get beat up a lot, Tom? Not a lot. He's a football player. He's a popular kid. Were you? Well, I got beat up in fifth grade, first day at a new school by three guys. And that was kind of the last time though that I got...

I was never beaten up. Yeah. Well, you were tall. I mean, you were fairly tall. No. Yes. Scary. There were other things. There was a guy I didn't know about head butts or anything. There was a guy who was like the big guy who wanted to pick a fight, something. And he got really close to my face.

while everybody's watching. And I didn't know about headbutts or anything, but I instinctively did that thing in his nose. And then he stopped picking on everybody. Wow. He's got a scar on his forehead from that. From his tooth. That's from a tooth. Yeah, he knocked his tooth out. There was a guy who must have been 6'9", or close to my son's height. I'm 6'8". Green Day or somebody was playing at a festival, and they asked me to jump up and join them. So I did, and then backstage...

This poor guy must have been high on something, came up to me and started shoving me. And everybody's watching, so I put my hands in back of me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So he got closer. When he got closer, I smashed his face in, just like that. And because he's taller, I caught the top of his tooth and it went...

there, and the guy literally just fell backwards. And like a sprinkler system in your garden or whatever, you just saw blood coming out of my forehead, but I didn't feel anything. Sure. On the other hand, have you ever...

Smashed a girl in the face a girl girl. Yeah I mean slap I mean like just clocked like rector What really in sub defense I imagine no no Fuck it doesn't know when No, I haven't like like what you just like a right cross the end. Oh

No, it was straight on. Straight, okay. You have to give me some context or else I'm going to be alarmed for the rest of this. Well, it was at the end of a show and Paul had a guest, young girl dressed in S&M semi-Nazi, you know, kind of thing with the...

Nazi hat and everything. I didn't see swastikas or anything, but it was that style. Bondage leather. Hugo Boss. Bondage leather, rather. And she must have been, I don't know, 24, 25. Attractive girl with all the lifted and separated in your general direction. And as I was passing by...

Paul was kind of showing off because, you know, look at this girl and all this stuff. And I'm going, hey, how you doing? On the way back, she said, hey, I heard your mother was in a concentration camp. I said, what? She said, yeah, cool, huh? Whoa, dude. Oh, I don't blame you at all. Yeah. You just decked her? Good. Nice. Cool, huh? The hell was she on? What a dipshit.

Yeah, I'm okay with that one. Yeah, me too. Sometimes, honestly, a lot of chicks could use a shot to the grill, you know? Sean Connery? That was from an interview. Well, you know, if you try and you try and you try and you remind them and then they have to get one more in, sometimes you give them a shot and they straighten up. That's Sean Connery almost verbatim. Oh, really? That's just how I think. I didn't know. I didn't know. We love him. He knows. He's fucking with you.

You've been good. I've been good. All right. We got to wrap up. This is a real treat. Thank you so much for stopping in. It was so much fun to have you. Would you like the truth? Yes, sir. Truth part A. I was making a joke to Nick. You got me on a plane to come out here in the middle of Texas where they used to sell cows. I remember playing here with the band and

During certain months, they'd have cows and horses and everything lined up, and people would bid on them as cow shit and everything. And then when the bands would come in to play, a lot of people, big. You'd put boards on there or sawdust, but it would smell like turd the whole time. You're doing concerts. And, of course, local population, we're all used to it. I asked our driver, have you ever? Oh, yeah, sure. Sure.

So I thought it was going to be a joke. A prank. He thought there was no podcast and he's going to show up and then we're going to be like April fools. Oh, that's funny. But the reason I decided to do it was because of her. Yes.

She's got the charisma. We connected backstage. I thought she spoke fluent Hungarian. So she said, and then I just started talking to you. No, not that much. No, not that much. My parents stopped talking to me. Again. Again.

The power of Christ compels you. Yeah, I understand everything. I just... Hungarian, you know, they're remnants of the Mongol invasion. That's right. We're Mongols. There was the Tatars, the Huns, the Majars, and the Mongols, different tribes, and they were all united under Genghis Khan. And then...

Atilla. Atilla. Atilla the Hun and all that. What did you learn? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good. I'm not good

This is the most delicious meal. Do you know that, you know, just a few phrases, all that stuff, they don't like the sound. I don't know if you heard this. They don't like the sound of America. Even if you've got the right accent, the tone is too thick because they're smaller people. The guys who want to be real heterosexual, oh,

They do very exaggerated versions of testosterone-filled guys. Masculine culture. But in real life, they talk, hey, how you doing? Nice to see you. Okay, now I'm going to go. You've heard that Japanese guy say, someone asked him, what does English sound like to you? And he said, it sounds like barking dogs because of all the R's.

Oh, that's very funny. And we're just like, oh, that makes perfect. So that's how they make fun of us is you fucking dogs barking over there. There's an American guy who's on all the chat shows in Japan. I see him all the time. He speaks fluent Japanese with a higher, higher pitch. Uh-huh.

That's interesting. I love languages. And of course, if you speak Spanish, the difference between Mexican Spanish and Argentina, which is the... There's something like a helium thing. If you're talking like this, there's something like that. Wait, hold on. Let me go. But when they speak to each other, it's like, ¿Cómo está? Muy bien, gracias. Excuse me, I got to speak to the guy. I don't know what happened to my voice. You're going to the... Something happened. I don't know.

It's a very good impression, actually. It's beautiful. It's very good. Common? Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, Common, why don't you take us out? Jesus Christ.

I'm glad this wasn't a prank. I'm really glad you got on the plane. Thanks for having us. This was a birthday present to me. I'm glad that your charisma got him here. Hey, man, I'm flattered. And it was really fun meeting you that first time. You were not doing jokes. You were not trying to impress. You were just being a person. And that's the most impressive thing I find of anybody in any walk of life.

She's got it. She's got the goods. Met the Dalai Lama, presidents, the most impressive people. You're better than them. Was the Dalai Lama like, what it do, dog? You don't tongue kiss kids. Yeah, did he French you? We were both speaking at an event. And afterwards, here, I'll show you a photo. Afterwards, but he was asked a very interesting question.

Because he is the reincarnation. Yes. His holiness and all that. 14th, I think, in line. And he was asked by somebody in the audience, what would happen if somebody... If Gene Simmons tongued your asshole. Yes. Yes. Jesus Christ. No, Jesus Christ wouldn't do that. All right. Okay. If somebody asked you something and you didn't have the answer, but then when the answer came, it was...

The exact opposite of what you believed. And then he answered something I'll never forget. He said, then you have to change your belief. And I've never heard a religious person of any denomination or anything say that.

Because you're stuck. Yes. It's, I got to show you. Yeah, credit where credit is due, right? He goes like, oh, he said basically like, if science proves something wrong that I'm wrong about, I'll change my mind about it. Change my mind. Oh, the Pope doesn't usually. No. No, he won't. Gene Simmons gave me $10 and I'm keeping it, by the way. He's trying to find a picture of him in the Dalai Lama, by the way. Oh, let me see. We can just send it to you. By the way, if I sign that, you'd be surprised how much you can get for it. Oh, okay.

Look, I'm surprised. The reason I say that stuff is I'm always shocked by what people are willing to do. Oh, yeah. They found it online. It's online. There it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's pretty wild. Because Nadav's not here to Google shit slowly. He was curious about, you know, what does that mean? And, you know, he speaks English well enough and understands, like, even though the words are measured, they really mean something. Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you and all that. He was...

and for a man in his late 80s, genuinely interested in the meaning because everything's got meaning to him. I told him in sign language, it's I love you. And he said...

this is good we need more I love you he's right he's right and then he started doing it in like other things and then there's other stuff that's awesome dude that's crazy your life has been insane continued success in all the things you do yeah it says right there let me just okay alright alright recording studio events dot com dot com such a right after events dot com dig in your booty such a thank you so much thank you guys and uh I'll get out

hopefully talk to you soon. Take a nap. I hope I see you in LA when I'm there. Gotta get my kids from school. It'd be great to have you. I have to do something to get backstage. By the way, did you pay for tickets or did you wind up there? I paid. I paid. Did he pay? I paid. No, right? Of course. No, okay. No, I'm pretty sure I took care of it. I owe you some money. I owe you some money. All right, Common, take us out. Thank you, guys.

Let's bang chicks together, the ultimate father-son thing to be. Let's bang chicks together, the ultimate father-son thing to be. Let's bang chicks together, the ultimate father-son thing to be. Let's bang chicks together, the ultimate father-son thing to be. Grab a little further, it's a dog dog.

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