Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
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What's up, everybody? I'll be bringing my come-together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. Haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah. February 30th, I'm in New York.

February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour, and I will see you there. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Hello, and happy new year. Good night, mate. It's 2025. That's crazy. What an exciting time. A new year. Can you believe it? You know what's the thing? What?

I kind of don't see it. I don't know. I just think of it as one continuous life. Are you taking the juke rods off? What do you think? Should I have them on? I don't know. It's up to you. It's a real personal choice. I don't know. Wow, just like that. New Year's?

No thanks. No thanks, Jew Broad Tom Hanks. I don't know. Do you have resolutions? Are you going to do anything differently? Oh, no. You get past that at a certain point. That's what I'm saying. I feel like it's just the same shit, different toilet. Yeah, but I do like the thing of New Year. Let's reset and fresh and get going again. And hit the deck, hit the ground running. Are these lights supposed to be on, guys? I think the two bears set.

Does it matter? Just the overheads are on. I don't know. I think it affects, doesn't it? I don't know. Good eye. It's usually not on. Oh, man.

Good eye. Oh. We got a fucking cinematographer over here. Hey. What's I going to say? What? Can I tell you what I do? And this is a very spiritually enlightened because I'm a very spiritually enlightened person. Yeah. Tom, I see every day. Yeah. As a new opportunity. Yeah. Wow. That's really cool. And then I go like do that. Yeah. And that gives me new lease on life every day. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I'm serious. And ever since I was in the cancer club, I'm in the cancer club.

Every day. You just got to like, you don't know. You can't make plans. It's true. I think the thing that happens when you go through something like you did, or maybe it's also that combined with aging. Yeah. Is you do, your perspective starts to go just to enjoy things, enjoy life, do it, do the thing, try this, have fun. Somebody said, I wish I could credit the person because I don't recall who said it, about you only have,

you know, if you're a certain age, hey, you have 20 good summers left or whatever. You know what I mean? Like this is not going to happen forever because when you're 16, you're like, well, yeah, this is just another one. But there is an age where you start to go, oh, yeah, there's a limited number of these. As your kids age too, because you go through this thing where you're like, oh, you start to realize there's a ticking clock

on childhood innocence yeah like there's just going to be an age where they're just like right now they're still innocent they don't you know i mean they don't know how jaded it can be right they're just fully just and you go oh that wonder will leave one day i know do you want to know what i just remembered do you ever you remember like a childhood trauma like you know at the time it's normal and then you're like oh do you remember bartles and james wine coolers yeah

My mom used to just let me drink them. And I was Ellis' age. I was nine. Really? Yeah. Wine coolers? Like she didn't know. I don't, or maybe she did. They tasted so good. And to this day. You definitely should not have had that. No. But the original flavor, like the OG. Yeah. None of this shit, all these flavors. Well, these are newer. Yeah. I like the OG ones. The two guys on the porch. Yeah. Oh, it was so good. Yeah.

You're drinking that at eight? Yes. She would let me have a wine cooler every night. And I'm like, hmm. Strange. I know. But it really was tasty. Truly foreign. Truly foreign. Truly foreign upbringing. Yeah, I know. But anyway, I agree. You know, it's all short. It happens so fast. Let me point just one thing out. Whoever made this coffee can fuck themselves. It's not even a coffee. Look how blonde this is.

It's just milk. You get the day off. Why don't you suck your mom's tits and drink that milk? Yeah, this is just basically tit milk. I know. For your little baby, suck your thumb. Really setting me off. Baby. Who fucking did that? I don't know. Some fucking horrible person. I don't know.

I know why. It's because Reed's not here. Reed's not here today. And then someone got your copy and wasn't fucking right. That's not right. Stupid. Sorry, his name's Breed, just reminding you. Breed? That's his name. I just wanted to remind you. Why Breed? I don't know. He likes it. He does not like it. Yeah, that's what he wants to be called, Breed. Did you give him that nickname? No. It sounds like a black guy nickname. No.

I would never do that. That's what he wants to be called. Let's get into what you would do here in a moment. Here's the opening clip, everybody. Let's start the show. And here you go. I'm just wondering if you guys like the taste of jizz. Okay. At first, I didn't like it. It tasted really bad, but now I just can't get enough of it. I want to put in everything that I can. I hate you so much. Drink my protein shake.

Let me know down in the comments below. If you guys like it or not. I hate you for that. Why? It's a clip. Mom Segura. Don't be happy with yourself. I hate when you're pleased with yourself.

Mommy, mommy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm drinking a cup of jizz right now. Looks like you're drinking. I know. It's basically not even drinkable. So here's a little thing we'll tell you. This is a little showbiz magic. Although this is our New Year's episode, it is being recorded in 2024. Shh, don't tell them, Tom. Well, we have to tell them because last night was our holiday party. It was the YMH holiday party.

It was so fun. So fun. The whole studio came. The Porosos team came. And everybody was in a great mood. And by the way, everybody really came dressed to the nines. People were dressed up. Girls looked great. Guys looked great. Yeah, people were happy. It was a festive environment. There was great food. There was great drinks. And it was just really fun. It was. Yeah.

But a couple people, I think, always stand out when they have a couple drinks in them. One is our technical director, Eni, who he seems to be unaware of the fact that he has a dual personality. And so once he has, I would say, two to three in him, he's just like, you know. Like, he really, you know, he gets in there and he's just, y'all.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I saw him making a phone call while we were all having festivities. And I was like, that's kind of... But then he comes back. Here's a clip from his phone call. No.

Yeah, he was really like doing his thing. And everybody's like, oh, I think Eddie's got a couple in him, huh? And you're like, yeah, just give him some space. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then he hung up the phone and then he started shouting into the party room. And I was like, what is happening? Wait, I don't know. He shouted the N-word into the party room. Oh, sure did. You were like... What happened? You were like, that...

This N-word is N-word stuff. Just like what you were shouting, dude. I was just saying. I don't like how good that lined up. Niggas. Oh, my God. That's exactly how he gets when he's drunk.

That was him. He was really doing his thing. So everybody goes like, okay. And I've seen it a few times. Like sometimes we do, when we do live shows, once like the stress of the live show, because there's a lot of stress, particularly on any, because there's a lot of technical things that go on a live show. He always will have a couple after that. And then he's like, you know, he's like, he just completely goes into another realm.

- It's like when he relaxes, that side of him is allowed to come out and play. - It is, yeah. It's like free reign. And what the booze does is it takes all the restraints off. And then he's just, that's like true Eni. He's like, "Making you a ho." Yeah, he just turns into this guy. - It's so fun.

I love it so much. It is great. It's great. It's, yeah, it's like, it's super black. Any, you know, I just, I think all, I just lose the ability to code switch. It's like, I don't, I don't have that. And yeah, it does. It goes away. I can't talk like y'all when I'm fucked. Yeah. Yeah.

Office Annie is like, bye. You just don't see him anymore. But I don't mind non-code switching Annie. No, it's fun. We're here for it, as the kids say. He's funny. He gets, you know, I don't know if you've ever been in an environment where there's an aggressive black person. Sure. But he just, he turns it way up and, you know. Yeah, Danny!

That's him. I remember that. Three drink in and he is right there. It totally is.

It totally was last night. And then he sobers up and he's like, how was last night? I don't really remember much. It's wild. You guys got any breakfast talks? Yeah, I know. So that's it. The other one who is just unbelievable is Chris Larson. Oh, my God. Chris Larson, for those of you who have followed the show, is our...

lead in post and he has a real interesting personality which is most times you're like do you even want to be here and he's like everything's fine and you're like hey it's your birthday he's like okay like that that's him he's kind of like a cat

that doesn't like you. But he's also an incredibly thorough, efficient, talented guy. Amazing. Really great at his job. And the truth is he is like a very sweet, thoughtful guy. He's very smart. Second smartest guy that works here. True. But anyway, he, I think, is always this guy who doesn't like to show emotion. No. He doesn't like to be

very expressive he's the opposite he reads as like a hyper introvert he's not going to tell you much he's not going to say much and he just goes about his business goes about his day and you're like okay and if you're like was that cool he's like yeah it was a good time like that's kind of how he is i would agree and then you get a few pops in them we first saw this in cabo vacation chris family ymh family trip there a few years ago we were like what in the fuck it was like

Three days, he was like, ha-ha! Just like, you know, fucking shirt off, just like pouring juice. He's like, I run this bitch! Viva Mexico! And he was just a lunatic, right? And it was amazing. And then last night, you get a few pops in him, and you're just like, what the fuck? And he was turning it on. And we did, you had just left, but we did office awards. I didn't know this was going to happen either, by the way. They voted on...

They gave categories and awards, wildly inappropriate categories and awards. And I was like, Jesus Christ, this is what we're doing? And everybody was like, yeah, we didn't tell any of you guys, but we just did this. Yeah.

He won multiple awards. I didn't, I was not aware. The first award he won was for the Sleeper Hog Award. Wow. The secret big dick of the office. How do we know this? How is this verified? They voted. The staff voted for each other. Oh, that like, have you seen it? Or is this just like on feeling? That's BDE. Yeah. Yeah, you can just feel it. Oh, you just, okay. You just know. I got you. When he wears those yellow shorts, you can kind of see the dangle in there. That's a little weird. Wow.

So wait, Sleeper Hog, though, wasn't about BDE. It's about physically seeing a hog in the shorts and pants, right? Well, I mean, I assume he has one because of the BDE he gives off. But are people voting on energy, or are they voting like, I see a nice bulge in there? Because those are two different things. We're voting on who we would imagine has... Speculating. Speculating on the bulge. Wait, are the women agreeing to this? Except for Chad, he's seen it, apparently. Nienna?

I voted Caitlyn a sleeper hog. I voted Caitlyn too. Oh, so it was about energy. Yeah. Got you. Okay, I thought you guys were like staring at each other's dicks, which is definitely weird. Which is totally encouraged. Wait, you have seen it though, Larson? I mean, Zolo? I have not. It sounds like Chad has. No, Chad said that he was staring at... I have not seen it. Okay. But anyway, he wins that award. Do we have that clip? Yeah, that should be in your folder. Oh, it's in... What's it as? And just so you know,

Oh, okay. Sorry, I have it. Just so you know, there's a name for when Chris Larson drinks and comes out of his shell, and it's referred to as Vacation Chris. Vacation Chris, yeah. So Vacation Chris came out to play last night. Should we set it up with the Cabo videos? I have those here, too. I would love to see Vacation Chris. Yeah. August update. August update. Dude.

Holy shit. Yeah.

He's the best. Holy shit. He's the best. That was the first night. Yeah. Wow. All right. Here's my question, though. Because to me, it gives off vibes of I drink once a year.

like you know i mean like the release of a guy who's pent up yeah and and like this is he's letting loose but what i don't know that you guys would know is that is this weekend chris or is this probably like once twice a year chris maybe once a month or so once a month once a month he pops out i feel like but that's i feel like that's only because he only comes out once a month got you if you were to come out every weekend i think vacation chris will be fuck yeah chris larson is in the house

Let's get the man in. Vacation, Chris. Yeah. What's up, bro? Just, um, we're just celebrating you, honoring you. Uh,

Just, you know, holding you up. As you should. He does have that BD. He has that sass to him. It's great. Well, we're talking about how great you are. And when Vacation Chris comes out, how extremely fun it is for everyone. We were reviewing some Cabo clips of Vacation Chris, which were amazing. Last night, you were turnt up, my man. Yes.

And we all loved it. Do you have recollections of last night? Or is it all? Yeah, no, I remember most of it last night. It's not all hazy to me. I remember doing the ice sluge with Leanne. And then making fun of Bert for not doing it.

Why did he do it? He didn't do it. He wouldn't do it. Why? I don't know. And then I say, how can you be the party animal if you're not going to do the isolation? He's kind of like, hmm. He told me it's because it's cold and flu season, and he didn't want to get sick. And then I said, and then I says to him, pussy boy, I says, yeah, but like one person has done it. There's only one person's cooties on there so far. And then he still wouldn't do it. His breath was really bad. Really? Yeah.

Did anyone pick up on that? What do you think is going on? It sounded, it smelled like he farted out of his mouth. And I didn't tell him. And it also smelled like that the day before. I wanted to be like, hey, D, are you okay? That's a nutritional issue. You want to know what's crazy? What? I caught him sniffing his Two Bears mic yesterday. So apparently he likes that smell. Dude. He was sniffing it. It was rough. It was really rough. This is a good sniff.

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I guess we have some footage of Vacation Chris last night at the party. Oh, you. Oh, boy. Let's see what we got. What do we got? There's Annie turned up. Wait, what is this? Not amused. I took this clip because the bar staff was not happy. Oh, was it? When I gave my speech, I clocked bartenders going like...

Like this. And then somebody's significant other was like, I was like, oh yeah, they're not used to this. That's what that is. Okay. Disapproval. This was for the FGT award. Oh yeah. The FGT award. She's definitely not into it. Oh, there's Leanne doing the luge. There's Larson over there. There's Chris, yeah. Look at Neona's face. She's like, oh.

Look at him. He's not even phased. Oh, there we go. That's another one. So then he wins essentially the Big Dick Energy Award. Yep. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I was very excited. Everyone was just sexually harassing me after I won the award. Absolutely not good.

Everyone wanted to see your dick, Chris. They all wanted to see my dick. Will you give us your measurements? No. But is it pretty healthy? It's a healthy dick. It's nice. Nice. It's normal sized. It's not that that big. It's not that that big. Okay. And then you also, there's a really unique award.

I believe it was last. I was surprised. I didn't know what any of these awards were. They gave out the CUNTY Award, the FGT Award. Who won the CUNTY Award? Caitlin. Oh, lovely. And everybody was happy to get their awards, even if they were awards like there was like, yeah, who you can mess with, all these awards. Oh, yeah. And then an award was set up, I guess it was set up, but...

by Eni, where he gave away the N-Word Award.

That's not what it was called. Well, that was the prize. No. The prize. I mean, I won that prize. That's what you won. The prize was the pass, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So what was the category that you called? We just said blackest person in the office. Okay, the blackest person in the office. And then as you were giving the award, you were like, and then if you get this award, you get the N-word pass and you have to use it. Yep. Okay, so I wasn't that far off. Okay.

So right here he's like, say it. It's very good that I didn't say it, especially since it's on the podcast. There's hundreds of thousands of people seeing this.

I'm not. Then show us your dick. Whisper it in my ear. Whisper it in my ear. I'm not doing either of those. You have to. I will fire you. I will say what's up and you say. Already blacked out at this point. I'll say what's up. No. I'm not saying shit. Also, incredible. It's only incredible.

I mean timing timing who is this Chris Larson so much confidence also to be in vacation Chris mode and have the wherewithal to know I shouldn't say the n-word it's all impressive really impressive I know he stumbled up those stairs too do you like working here Chris

I enjoy working here, yeah. Okay. You didn't say I like it. I know. It's tough to pull things out of you. I don't know. Not everyone, I don't think other workplaces would try to get me to say the N-word. That's true. I just think that's the thing. That's why it's special. It's good. That is special. I will give you that. Yeah, I feel like he doesn't like us. Also, I'd like to point out, it's not, it's that the black guy at work tried to get me to say the N-word.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Let's put it all on any. Yeah, I see. Well, it's not like the rest of us were like, hey, here's what you got to do today. Well, we were chanting to say it. I mean, yeah, everyone was chanting it. I'll just add that I was not chanting. I wasn't there when you were chanting. I was looking at him like,

I'm just going to avoid all accountability, huh? Tom, the things that Chris says to you when he's drunk blows my mind. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He gets aggressive with you. Yeah. What did you hear him say? I remember last year at the holiday party, he was threatening to fight you. I did do that. I don't remember that. I don't know if he wants to say it, but when we were at your bartending event and you were bartending. Yeah.

Chris? I said, you're doing a great job, Tom. He ordered a vodka, vodka soda, and you were taking a little long, and he said, hurry up. Fun guy. Fun guy Tom. Oh, hurry up, FGT. Yes. In the middle of the... Wow. I respect it. I respect it, too.

No, last holiday party, he was threatening to fight you and everyone else. I don't remember that either. Remember, wasn't he issuing threats to people? Like, I'm going to fight you. I'm going to fight you. Didn't you say you were going to break a bottle? I did say, yeah, because you were drinking something, like a beer or something. And it's like the intrusive thought. I was like, what if I just smash that bottle? And I said it out loud.

That was the problem. Oh. And you're just like, what the fuck? I said that? No, I said that to you, and you said, what the fuck? Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. I mean, yeah, your reaction was probably appropriate and normal. No, at the bartending events, though, I always tell the bartenders, I've done like 10 now. Every single time, I'm like, I forget. I don't have an appreciation for...

for how demanding, how hard you guys work until you're doing, like anything, you start doing it and you're like, holy shit. And you do get better, but I definitely have shown up at these things and been like, what the, it's overwhelming. So I'm sure I deserve to be yelled at a little bit. No, I imagine you're terrible at service industry work. You'd be the worst, like a waiter, remembering multiple orders

orders and specificity yeah but you're not a servant like you're not good at service i would say jesus it's not in your dna now i i worked in a bar i was a waitress i'm very good at it i was a barista i can remember multiple things and work under high pressure i feel like you can't do those things that's not true i've actually really improved at it and in doing that like

I do them once a month or two so like usually when you get there you're like oh and then it takes a while but then you get into a groove and you start you know and then I start fucking two hand pouring but it doesn't happen the first time you do it and the one that he was at I probably was one of my first ones but I'm pretty good now I'm probably one of the best actually in the world I doubt that

Actually, I think I'm the best bartender. No, I'm the best bartender. Chris, how often do you drink alcohol? It's not a common occurrence, I would say. It's just socially. That's so smart. How often is that? I don't know. Maybe a couple times a month. Three or four times. It really depends on how often people are going out. And then do they always turn into vacation Chris moments? No, no, no. Often. No.

that's not that that's a rare occurrence it's a good night it will yeah we did karaoke and it was some of the wildest karaoke i've ever seen anyone do in my life and it was him it was chris yeah yeah did you say that why don't we plan a karaoke night as a as a company soon but can it start at like five yeah i'm sure yeah yeah sure and we should probably do it on a friday yeah yeah

Yeah, I'd like to see him karaoke. Let's do that. I would like to do that, too. That would be fun. I'm a pretty good karaoke person. Well, Chris, we love you as the biggest, addict, blackest employee here. We think you're great. Oh, well, it's a pleasure working with you guys. Good. And I love you both. Thank you. That felt really good. He never has said that. I know. That really felt good. He's like a cat that hates us. I love you. Wow. Tom, can I show you something I've been dying to fucking show you? Yeah.

So remember how we talk about all the time when I hit menopause that I'm going to really shut it down and I'm going to start dressing very masculine and I'm going to get my hair cut very short. I found the hairdresser that I will be going to to get my cool new haircuts. When is this happening probably? Well, let's see, 48. My period's kind of slowing down, like in two years. Two years. So I have two years left. Yep. Get it in.

Yeah, because there's something else going to happen in two years. You'll never see me again. All right, let's take a look. But I want you to see the haircuts that we've been talking about. This person on Instagram, this lady, is doing them and thriving. Because sometimes you're in public and you're like, there it is. There's a fucking horrific haircut. But it's nice to have...

Well, hey, horrific to us, but fantastic to some. So this woman specializes in giving the menopausal angry chick haircut. I'll add this too. And I realize that there's some irony in this coming from a bald man. Sure. But-

So many times you see women, this is an extreme, I assume, I haven't looked yet. It's going to be an extreme, but you see a lot of women who you're like, you just need to go to a better hairdresser. I think everybody needs to go to a better hairdresser. Like you just see women who you're like, you're a beautiful woman, but you, this is not good. This is not the cut for you. And you know what you end up finding out a lot?

People are like, yeah, my friend comes over. Or like, I do it myself. Never. Never do it yourself. And none of their friends go, you're not good at this. I know. You're not good at this. I know. Yeah, you should get a real one. But I'm so stoked to finally find this woman on Instagram. And I just, please play them. Please play them. Okay, here we go. Hi, I'm Radonna from Boys and Girls Hairstyles. Today I have Ann Coyke here with me. Her hair.

- Short haircut, super duper duper cute. Number four in the back. - Number four in the back. - And I go to about above the ears and then that's where we're going to blend all this in and take that short. - Yeah. - It looks great so far. It's a four in the back, guys. It's high. - She's got some like real production on her video here too. - Oh, I know. I'm telling you. And these chicks love it. - Yeah. - She's cutting it soup. So just so you know, high and tight in the back, short up to the ears.

Nice and spiky in the front. Ooh, yeah. Here she goes. I mean, that's a high and tight cut. Cleaning up the neckline. What does this do to your penis? Oh. Terrible. It's terrible. Here she is before. And now she looks even worse. Oh, my God. Spiky cuts. It's like, just so you know, it's like the total Karen. It's the Karen. Well, yeah, but she looks like Bob. She looks like a guy named Bob.

That is. Yeah, that's a full shut it down. It's a full shut it down. Well, what does it do to you sexually? Just tell me. What do you mean? Would you still be able to even love me if I had this haircut? Thousand percent no. That's it? We're done? Yeah. I mean, I would just high five you and shit. Be like, let's watch the game. What I like is that it's short. You wouldn't even get hugs.

ABC, January 8th. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy, Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So, a couple of days. When his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended up.

No, no. This is a haircut that's so spiky that anyone tries to hug you, it's like a porcupine quips. Don't hug me. It's super short on top, but then she leaves the bangs.

Which is kind of a sassy, fun look. I know this energy. I like that. I know this lady's look. You know what this is? I know what it is. It's the lady who's been at the same public school for about 30 years. I was just going to say it. School admissions. 30 years. Yeah, yeah. She has the admin job.

And then she was like, Christina P, I remember when you were this big. She's nice. She's a sweet lady, but it's full shut it down. She's sweet. Or like she works in a nonprofit and she works like a good company, doing something good for humanity. Could be. But she's heavy. Well, also the lady giving the haircut.

has an insane hairstyle. Of course, but that's the thing. She's the mecca. Short and spiky. I'm just going to show you how we keep it shaped. The lady she's cutting looks really depressed. There we go. That's her move, huh? Yep, short and spiky. She does the undercarriage. Nice and trimmed. Take it to a four. Here we go. She's giving it.

She looks good with it, the one giving it. And that's her style. Oh, you gotta curl it under. So this is a variation on the Shut It Down. Holy shit. She's so sad in the before. So this is like the Midwestern version of Shut It Down. Yeah, it's fully shut down though. This is like...

Where it's higher in the back and then it angles down sharply. But she put some highlights into it. So she's still a woman. She hasn't completely. It's just we're at the end of the window. Is she? Yeah. She's not totally shut down. But look at that expression. Yeah, she's looking in the mirror. She's like, I don't know. Well, there's a man that's going to see her walk in the door soon and be like, oh.

God damn it. Is it safe to assume that there's no man on earth that likes this haircut on a woman? Yeah. Of course. If it's a guy that like still has blood that goes into his penis, sure. No, this is like, it's very depressing. Yeah, this haircut is dick repellent. It is literally broadcasting. It's like when my mom got her lesbo cut. This is the best. And my dad was like, shit. Shit.

Your mom looks like a fuck. The woman giving it to her was a fuck. What the fuck? And she was like, I could not do anything. And he's like, oh, God. It looked so bad. He really did. It was totally short and spiky. By the way, I had never seen him comment on that until that day. I like your hair, like that kind of stuff. Why don't you do something? It was always like that. Why don't you do something with it?

But that day, and he was like, what the fuck? Yeah. We went to Silver Lake.

Salon down the street and we lived in a gay neighborhood at the time and gayest the woman who cut your mother's hair Which is a big bold butch lesbian. Yeah, and so she was thrilled. She was great get my meat hooks on this one She's younger She's younger and she has extra cute hair extra cute. Let's ruin it Oh no Nice and tight

And she's young. And when she finishes, she goes, and I promise there's not a man in the world that'll touch you. Mission accomplished. And the razor cut. Just a lot of product. Even the song is horrible. Horrible. It's all bad. You got to curl it under in the back. I'm going to send this to Alan. Make sure he does this for me next time. I want to see what he thinks about it. He's probably like, um, some people like that.

Yeah. Oh, tucked behind the ears and the high bob in the back. Oh, I had this haircut and I shouldn't throw stones. It has strong. I'd like to speak to the man. You know, I had this haircut in like 92 when I was in charge here. I'd like to speak to somebody in charge. Oh, yeah.

I mean, she's a pretty woman. No, she's cute. She's cute. And this is the Vidal Sassoon asymmetrical cut. Can I not watch the other ones? Yeah. Maybe not enough? Yeah. But see, she looks cute. Hers is good. Hers is, yeah, it's fine. It's decent. It's fine. Just get this shit out of your head. The music is terrible. Yeah. Yeah, it's really bad. I'm upset that you found this. That's the point. Yeah. There you go. All better now. You know my nose, right?

Your nose? My nose and how John Amos did, you got the surprise. Oh, look at my artwork behind you. Hey, Tom. This is from another guy with a big nose. That's me. You can get past this big nose business. The bigger your nose is, the easier it is for you to breathe. That's true. Look at it that way. Yeah. It's an advantage. And he's like, you know, he just passed away. He's an iconic actor. Really incredible talent. Somebody...

posted like an in memoriam post, I think on Facebook. Do you want to read it? RIP to a legend, John Amos. Remember, I put this pussy on you so good this day you could barely move. That's what that woman posted. Mariah Cobb. I know, but can I tell you something? What? Isn't that what guys really want? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. But, I mean... I'm going to do this for you. But to post it is...

It's insanity. It's Facebook too, yeah? Yeah. No, that's like the mom place. Maybe Instagram. For sure, somebody hit her up. A friend was like, yo, Mariah, what are you doing? And she's just like, what? I remember. It was crazy. He didn't know what to do. R.I.P. R.I.P. Rest in this pussy. Yeah. And then she did the emojis. Fuck.

the crying and the screaming just remembering my pussy on you and I'm crying I remember how hard you nutted this day Jesus I know I know and look she has to she's cute too in her bikini she knows what she's doing because she's advertising to the other fellas yeah look at me look at me and see this guy here oh my god you don't understand what I did to him I killed him with my pussy I can kill you too

Guys, women are so smart. She knows what she's doing, Mariah. It's pretty awesome, man. She knows what she's doing. By the way, when John Amos was talking, it was like mirror, mirror. The two of you, I was so distracted. It is growing longer and wider. What is wrong with you? Your nostrils are so big. What are you talking about? I'm telling you the truth. I love you. I'm the only one that's going to tell you this stuff.

I'm your wife, I have to tell you. Yeah, I know. Okay. You would tell me if I look fucked up, right? So I look fucked up? Look at your drawing. Wait, but you will tell me, right?

Hey, babe, will you tell me if I get a bad haircut and you're like, I hate that? Yeah. You swear? If it's a haircut like that, yeah. Would you tell me if I got really fat? I kind of feel like I know already. That's kind of weird. That's a weird one. I know. But I mean, I got fat after I had babies, obviously. You were nice about it. Yeah. Yeah, there's a weird thing that with women, you got to be really...

You guys are not, you're not built like us. - Oh, no shit. - No, I mean like, guys can say shit to each other and people can say stuff to men that's real and guys are like, yeah, you know what, you're right. I gotta fucking get my shit together. And women are just weak. So you say something, women are fragile. And here's the, they're also-- - Women are fucking stupid. - Well, here's the thing, there's a lot of truth to that.

- Oh my God. - Women are weaker and dumber than men. So you have to kind of handle women like you would a child. So what I'm saying is-- - Weaker and dumb or emotionally intelligent? - No, no. Women, in a lot of ways, you could just say women are pathetic. And so when you have to speak honestly, you have to talk to a woman like you would a child. And so I think I would tell you, but I would tell you in a childlike way. - Then how would you tell me?

Hey, you know, sugar and a lot of carbs, they actually aren't that good for you. Unless you're going to expend a lot of energy, I think I might get into some tuna. You know, something like that. Or like, you know, hey, your face.

It's really changing. And maybe something you could do is visit a doctor. Oh, my God. I hate you. Something like that. I hate you so much. But it's not your fault. It's really just being a woman. Okay. Thank you. Bye now. So we're going to take a quick break.

Happy New Year, and we'll be right back. And we're back, and joining us is the host of the new Army Hammer Time podcast. It's Army Hammer, everybody. I think that's actually the first time I've ever been introduced as a podcast host. I'm here for it. Hey, man, you have a podcast now. It's true. What's the podcast like?

I mean, well, it's hilarious because it's me and my buddy Jerry and we shoot it in the living room slash office slash bedroom slash closet of my tiny ass apartment. And we just bring in cameras. And, you know, when we first started, we were using construction lights. That's the way to start a podcast. Bootstrapping it. That's the way to start a podcast. And you guys have guests. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, we kind of had to start with people that I know as guests because reaching out and being like, hey, the cannibal guy wants you to be on their podcast. It's kind of a hard sell. Sure. So it was like, this is my best friend and this is my attorney. And like, it's kind of started out like that. And your mother. Your mom. And my mother. Yeah, for two episodes. How was two episodes with mom? You know, uh,

I guess the whole reason I'm doing this podcast is like, basically I'm just trying to lean into the shit that makes me uncomfortable. Right? Like I want to have uncomfortable conversations and I couldn't imagine a more uncomfortable conversation to have on air than with my mother. Yeah. You know, so it was, it was intense. It was intense, but it was cathartic in a way. And then it went really well and she was happy. And then,

Then it's complicated. Sure. Like all kind of mother-son relationships. Oh, I have to tell you, I watched it. I watched it just to see it because I was listening and I'm like, I have to see these two. Yeah. And your mother is a very beautiful, blonde, demure woman. And you guys have, you have like a really balls out conversation about your childhood. Yeah. And what was really sweet about Army is that

I can tell you've been in a lot of therapy and you're trying not to judge her. And it's so hard when you become a parent.

To not judge your parents, actually, even harder. Oh, 100%. Because now I fucking hate my parents after I became a mother. Listen, I also am well aware that my daughter and son are going to get to a certain point where they then do therapy and then they go, I hate my dad too. And I'm like, fuck, I'm trying here. Yeah. But I'll tell you what was really important for me is someone once told me, they said, you know that your parents don't have tools that they're not using, right? Yes. And I said, what do you mean? They said, yeah.

they're using every tool in their toolbox. They're using every trick in their arsenal. So when anything falls short, it's not because they know they can do better and they're not. They're honestly just doing the best that they can. That's a really good perspective. Because I remember thinking about my own parents and being like fucking morons. And then you kind of realize there's this point in your life where you realize that there's a...

there's the thing where it's just two people like you when you're a kid you're like you think your parents are like special people yeah put on earth they're adults they must be magical and then you kind of go like oh it's just two random people that met yeah and fucked yeah yeah and had the kids and like they're they were irresponsible enough to get pregnant how are they responsible enough to raise children what do you what i saw your look what is this all about did you guys hear it

Did you hear it? I don't think so. Wait. He choked again. He choked, right? Yeah. You heard it. Did you need water? Did you hear it? I missed it. He was like in the... That's so dramatic. Why are you being so dramatic? Because this is the third time now that you've choked and I think you're having a stroke. We should get you to the doctor. People don't like you. Does it smell like almonds? Are you turning into Larry King? No, I'm just saying that people don't like you. People don't like you in general.

That's not true. I'm very popular. Aren't I better? You don't know me. We just met. It's too early for me to make a judgment call here. But don't you feel like I'm way more fun and stuff? I'm a better vibe? Anyway...

I refuse to be put on the spot like this. I'm now going to drink my coffee. Let's also, I mean, like you said, you like uncomfortable conversations or want to have them. Just for people that don't know, like your whole family background is one thing, but you're obviously a working actor, career's going, and then you...

were canceled. You're one of the people that's been canceled. Yes. Because of allegations from people that you dated and that said that you were, I mean, among other things, a cannibal. Right. And they were like, this guy wanted to eat me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody, I think myself included, I was like, holy shit, this is fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not portrayed as a great guy in these stories. Yeah. Right? And then, like, some of this is just from memory, too. Like,

that you moved... I didn't realize you had spent time as a kid in the Cayman Islands. Because I read that you had then moved to the Cayman Islands after all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. And were getting into doing real estate and whatnot. Timeshares. Timeshares. You really were selling timeshares? I was selling timeshares. And loving it. Really? Oh, my God. The timeshare world is fucking wild. Well, isn't there something... And I'm sure there's many layers to this. Yeah. Is there something as awful as a cancellation going through that? I imagine it's emotionally...

very hard to go through. Yeah, I don't recommend it. That as, as you're kind of like, this is reality now, there's something freeing to like, you know what I mean? To like being like, well, I'm just this now. Oh man, I have so much to say about this. Um,

Yeah, so it was a wild time where COVID was going on. People were locked in their apartment. People were miserable. Like there was all this shit going on. The world seemed like it was falling apart and people were just deeply unhappy with their own lives. And then this salacious story comes around where this actor wants to murder and eat people. And all of a sudden everyone's like, oh, this is so much more fun to focus on than the fact that I can't leave my living room. You know, and everyone was just like, let's dogpile on this story.

And then stories kept coming out and kept coming out and kept coming out. And it's this, too. There's a clip of you guys talking where you say, Tom said to me when we first started dating that he wanted to smash my head open and eat my brains or whatever it is. And you say, no, that's not what I said. All I said is I love you so much I want to smash your head into the dresser. Yes, that's true.

Yeah. And I saw that and I was like, these are my people. Yeah, yeah. It's like, these are my people. Well... But by the way, now imagine if you guys broke up and Christina took her part of that conversation out and only released Tom said he wanted to smash my head into a dresser and said it with a straight face, everyone would go...

He's obviously a domestic abuser. I got to say, man, I fucking like you. I think... No, I think... Most of our intimate conversations involve things...

that are extremely offensive. Sure. You know, about all types of things. I mean, if there was a printed document of this, it would not bode well for either of us. If there's a printed document and someone else was reading it in their voice, not yours, it just looks like the worst thing in the entire world. But so is your kind of position on this, though, because that analogy makes a lot of sense to me, that, you know, you get into a relationship, you are whatever, you like this woman, you're attracted to her, and then part of it is like how you express yourself

you know, this things in like in a non-traditional way. And then some of it is an arousing kink fulfilling thing of like, you know, people have different kinks and like, so yours were like some of this body branding or like blood, like that's just stuff that... He likes tying up. You like the ties. Yeah. And like, I like the idea that... It's a control thing. That you are so completely mine. Yeah. I can do whatever I want and you love it because you know you're mine and like this possession kind of thing. Like,

That's just fun to talk about. And by the way, especially if you're like drunk or stoned or high at night and you're texting and while you're saying it, you're like chuckling to yourself. Like, I'm going to fucking cut your toe off and keep it in my pocket so I got a piece of you everywhere I go. I think I've actually said that.

Of course. I think you have. And then it gets read in the court of public opinion and everyone goes, you're insane. And you go, well, yeah, a little bit. I mean, if I was normal, I would have a job that had a 401k or like a... So a lot of this is role play, what you're saying. For sure, for sure, for sure. And by the way, if anyone took...

anyone's bedroom conversations. Specifically, like, if people were having a little bit of sexy time and they took the shit that they said, even if it was completely vanilla, and you read that somewhere else out of context, everyone's going to go, you guys are fucking disgusting. So then, were you like, am I losing my fucking mind here as this was happening? I think I was more just in full panic mode because...

I mean, to get a little bit serious here, there was this sort of like, there was the mask that I didn't really identify with, but everyone thought was me, that that became sort of like my safety net and identity. And then when that gets shattered and everyone goes, we no longer like this guy, we fucking hate him. Yeah, which is rough. Which is rough. I mean, dude, there would be articles in like the Punjabi Times about how I was a,

Hannibal and all that stuff. And I think in March of 2021, I was the fifth most searched person on Google in the world. And all of it was negative. So when before that, I had used any of that public attention as a sort of sense of validation for myself because I didn't know how to give it to myself. I was feeding off of that like a fucking psychic vampire. And then all that goes away.

And all of a sudden you're just left standing there naked in front of the world with all of your proclivities or kinks being judged by the world. Like that shit is tough. How has like, I mean, there's so many ways to go with this, but like,

how has did did going through that affect the fact that you like something like does did it shock those things out of you you know i mean like the bondage or or owner like are you like i'm not even fucking interested in that anymore does it like slowly i mean there was definitely an aspect of your sexuality being weaponized against you right makes it really hard for you to feel safe to engage in your own sexuality yeah for sure yeah for sure you

You know, I will say one thing, because I watched the documentary and blah, blah, blah. You know, so I already had to. But I will say, I don't think you were hiding these proclivities from people that were sharing these direct messages with you. It wasn't like you were being coy and shy. You were like, hey, this is what I'm into. This is what we're going to do. Cool. And then, you know, some chick instead of being like, no, I don't really. They're like heart-throbbing.

a message or something. And I'm like, well, that doesn't really send a clear message. I mean, it goes to sort of like the conversations that need to happen around consent where if it's not a hell yes, it's a fuck no kind of thing. But also...

I had a conversation with a guy who's a very well-known sex therapist, and he sort of broke down the idea of conditional consent to me, where it's like, I say, hey, this is what I'm into. I want to do this. I want to do this. I want to do this. Are you good with that? And they go, yes. But what they're not finishing with their mouth is, I'm saying yes because I think I'm going to get...

to be with this person. I'm going to get to live this world. I'm going to get to this. I'm going to get to that. I can change his mind about wanting to sleep with other people, all of these conditions. I'm saying yes, thinking that I can get all of these things. And then when they don't get all of those things, it's very easy to revoke conditional consent.

So it's almost like it just needs to be a more extensive. I also want to say that like I was playing pretty fast and loose and I was being a selfish asshole like for sure. I was using people to make me feel better. Mm-hmm.

People were my bags of dope with skin on it. Like having that, having people want to have sex with me, having sex with people, doing all that stuff, like it gave me a sense of power. It gave me a sense of validation. So what I would do is I would scoop these girls up, take them on a whirlwind month and a half, road trips, trips, whatever. Like we're going to do all these things. We're going to have great sex. Everything's going to be awesome. And then at the end of it, I'm going to go, hey.

Good job, go team. And then I'm going to bounce and go do it with someone else and leave this person feeling like, wait, I just was sucked into this tornado of a world and felt like...

this is my place now and then dropped and now i don't know what the fuck is going on right my last month and a half is gone my time was stolen my energy was stolen and now i'm fucking pissed yeah and i'm emotionally drained yeah like yeah and so in and that's that's a shitty position to put it sucks i'm sure it sucks and then and then you i mean now like obviously you have like the the perspective and and the and the

the way you can look at this and be aware of it. But does it make you go, like obviously maybe repent for that and then just not want to be that person who does that again? I mean, there are aspects of my behavior that I think were coming from maybe not the healthiest place. And then there were aspects of my behavior. Now I'm choking. There were aspects of my behavior. But that was subtle, demure, unnerving.

Classic. Yeah. Then there are aspects of my behavior that were just expressions of my own sexuality. Yeah. So I had to sort of like comb through all of that and figure out what's coming from the right place, what's coming from a trauma place. Yeah. Your upbringing too, because I watched a number of things. When the story broke, there was coverage of it, then some documentary. Like you come from, it's not a typical place.

or upbringing. You know, it's like a... You come from like a tycoon, elite, elite family, which...

I think everybody, most people fantasize. They go, fucking, I wish I had that, you know. It's overrated. Yeah. Because they just, you know, they see the palatial estate and the family put together and you guys are traveling in ways that people can only dream of. And they don't see the inner workings of a family. Yeah. Because for people that don't know, it was your grandfather, right? That was your great grandfather. Yeah. That was an oil tycoon. Yeah.

And I mean, I just, I've had like close proximity to a family like yours. Yeah. And it gets real twisted when you're up close. For sure. Because I think it's an, what the reality is, is that it's unnatural to have that. In other words, like,

To have an extraordinary wealth or extraordinary power is just not the norm. It's just not normal. Well, it's like humans evolve really slowly, right? So for 300,000 years of homo sapien history, you were well off if you're like, we fucking harvested enough grain to get us through the winter. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then that agrarian culture is like just ending really on the timeline of humanity. So now you have people who have amassed insane amounts of wealth and

And it's kind of like what Biggie was talking about where he's like, mo' money, mo' problems. Yeah, sure. And now, mo' money, mo' access. And like, mo' money, mo' whatever you want to do, you can do it. And I don't think human beings are built for that. They're not built for that. Yeah. I think you're right. And I think that there's this other thing where when you're really wealthy or really powerful...

You get to navigate life, not just with access, but with like, yeah, we don't do that. In other words, a family might have, we have dinner together or, you know what I mean? Like we do these traditional things as like, it's seen as the norm. People who have access

of extraordinary wealth or power just go, none of these things apply to us. We do things our own way. And the thing is, no one's ever gonna say something to you. - Yeah. - 'Cause they're scared to. - Well, it's interesting, right? Because they say behind every great fortune is a great crime. - Yeah. - And then also, the people who make that much money typically are very good at making the money and they're very bad at raising a family. So it's like, they're not around.

there's always nannies or someone else raising your kid who doesn't even care. Neglect. Lots of neglect. Then that kid goes, where's my dad? And the dad goes, you're going to the best schools in the world and you're driven to school in a Rolls Royce. There you go. There I am. And the kid goes...

I just want to be fucking loved. Yeah. You know, and that... Then all of a sudden, that warps the next link in the chain, who then is the kind of parent that that kind of person would be. And that warps the next person. And then that warps the next person. And there's this kind of domino effect. What was, like, the... Like, people...

a lot of times don't even, can't even imagine things. What was like something of gross excess that you saw of like the result of having extraordinary wealth or power that you didn't even realize maybe was, was that at the time? And then you're later on, you're like, holy shit, that was crazy. You know, I, I think one thing that my dad did that was very smart is he married someone who was not like that at all. You know, my mom grew up

the, the daughter of a guy who grew up in Oklahoma during the dust bowl, who was like so poor that he got like a nickel a week and he had to get a haircut out of it. He had to get like whatever he could out of it, like that kind of thing.

So my mom was never, my mom just didn't let that shit fly. Like my mom was the kind of mom where if we were driving in the car and the AC was on and you rolled down your window, she's like, hey, the AC is on. Pull the window back up. And you're like, oh, okay. So like lights weren't allowed to be left on in the house, like that kind of thing. So I think my mom brought that to it. So I never really saw, I mean, look,

I saw my dad living large. He was buying cars all the time. He was a big kid, right? So he liked toys. He wanted to buy cars all the time. He wanted to go race cars. He wanted to do all that stuff. No shit, eh? Wow, that's weird. Let's talk about something else. Uh-oh, where did I walk into here? He's Mr. Car Guy. Careful, he's going to smash your head into a dresser. Okay.

By the way, also, with the smashing the head thing into a dresser. Wait, I have other questions, too. I know I want to put first and then I write it down. If you say, I love you so much, I want to smash your head into a dresser, that's fucking cute. If you say, I'm so angry at you, I want to smash your head into a dresser, very different. It's very different. But she also has pointed out to me multiple times that she goes, when you said that to me, I should have run.

She goes, it was a red flag. Yeah, that's a huge red flag. Yeah. Sorry. I mean, it kind of was a red flag. But by the way, she stayed. That's a red flag. Thank you. I mean, this is a two-way street. Thank you. Two peas in a pie. Yeah. We are. And no, it's been fantastic. Thank God. I'm going to ask you about some things you have said, and I'm just curious. Did you really eat a pig's heart hunting? I heard that's a hunting thing. That's disgusting. No, it was a deer. Oh, a deer. Yeah, yeah.

Which is a, it's not that. It's a normal hunting tradition. I mean, I grew up in Texas for most of my life. Like I have a lot of friends who hunt and we go shooting. Especially someone's first kill. This is what I was just saying. Cause I was just asked this on the other podcast and they go, you ate an animal's heart. And I was like, yeah, but that's like hunting tradition. When you take someone for their first kill, they take a bite of the heart. He goes, but you ate it. And I go, well, I mean, you're not sitting there eating the whole heart, but it's like, Hey, this is your animal. You killed your first animal. Here you go.

But he was British and I think they just have a very different culture about that kind of thing. He was really rough on you, huh? Super rough. Yeah, yeah. Not my kind of person. No. Did you take a bite out of it like an apple? Yeah, yeah. And then what's it like?

It's hard to get through. I mean, it was a big axis deer. So it was like a, I mean, it was a heart almost the size of like a rugby ball. Oh. And like it was heavy and it tasted like iron and it was very tough to get through. Yeah. That's kind of cool. Okay. Carving initials?

I mean, carving, scraping, whatever. It's the same thing as getting tattoos of your partner's initials or whatever. I was going to say to you, Armie, is that what you needed to do was just date a goth chick. I know. I really missed my chance there. Bro, because for real though, like...

in high school, this is what goths were doing. - 100%. - This is not a big deal. - But this goes back to exactly what my problem was. It's not that what I was doing per se was the worst thing in the world to try to do. I was just doing it with the wrong people. - You were with fucking normies, dude. - I was with normies. - With nerds. - Vanillas. - And yeah, you need to get with the goth chicks that are into it. - I know, sometimes I've got a vape in my pocket. Sometimes these make me hiccup. How many milligrams are these? - Six. - Fuck it. - Whoa, you're in Texas now, son.

That's very minty. I like that. I think that's all I had. Yeah, because I don't think it's that big of a... So what else are you into besides eating people? Have you found... I mean, that takes up most of my time. That's most of your time. It's a pretty time-consuming thing. Especially, people are big. It's a lot of meat to go through. I have a question. The type of rope tying you're into, very specific, no? You have to really learn... How do you learn? That's something, because when you see... I'll tell you, when I see that, I'm like, oh, that's fucking cool.

cool. I'd like to. It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah. But there's something about. There's a real skill to it, right? Oh, yeah. Because if you do it wrong, you can really hurt someone. Like if you if you put it too tight around the wrist, there's a lot of nerve endings there. You can end up like hurting somebody's like nerves. Like you got to know what you're doing. So it's like it's not something you just jump into. But do you go to an experienced person to teach you? Like I have. I've talked. I've talked to people. I mean, now at this point, like I don't talk to anybody about it.

I don't talk to anybody about any of my shit. I'm just like, this is not a safe place for me to experiment or whatever. - When you're first doing it though, are you just experimenting yourself or are you actually with someone who knows what's up? - No, I bought a mannequin. - You did? - From like a department store. - Really?

That's smart. That's responsible. But did you read up on the chart you did? Yeah, there's books and YouTube videos. Yeah, let's get some ropes. There you go. It does look beautiful, actually, in the documentary. I would love to see this. I was like, oh, that's really pretty. So it comes out of like a Japanese martial art form where the police would carry ropes and they had to subdue

criminals sure and so like they had to get very fast at doing this and then that kind of i guess there was like some japanese lady back then who watched a criminal get tied up and was like i'm in like sign me up i'm gonna tie you up and leave you fucking suspended in the air yeah i'm such a i'm such a until you kind of correct yourself but um oh yeah was that you're gonna say yeah it's pretty oh that's what i want to do to her that's what i want to do to christina yeah

I mean, that requires a level of flexibility that I am nowhere near. Now here's, wait, I gotta ask you this though, because this, okay. Not to say that you're on the same level, but like when somebody is like a killer, serial killer, even. Yeah.

Even though most of the world goes, you're the fucking worst thing ever. Yeah. There's always women who are like, hey, what's up? I think, didn't Ted Bundy get married when he was in prison? Yes. Didn't Charles Manson get married like five times? They get chicks. And they all get love letters. And sometimes girls. Conjugal visits. Sometimes conjugal visits. Yeah. During their trials, you'll see like, what are you here for? And they're like, I just think he's great. And they just show up. Yeah. So the flip side of you being...

publicly shamed and and canceled yeah there has to be women that have been like please like yeah right oh how do you manage that i had to get rid of my social media for a long time and give like a guy my password because when all this shit came up my dm inbox was fucking wild they're like cut me up eat me hundred percent chicks you should have been i but also like

I thought about that and then I was like, maybe this is onto something. But then I was like, okay, hold on. But also, have I learned nothing from trusting strangers? And then also, is someone who sends a complete stranger a picture of them shoving something into their ass? I'm like, yes, yes, but...

Is this a balanced, healthy person? True. Of course. She's at least cool. I mean, she's down. Am I balanced and healthy? I'm trying, but not really. So have you developed a pretty good gauge for like, here's someone that I can pursue? No, my picker is terrible. My picker is broken. So what do you do? I'm like...

I'm basically like an escort now where I'm like, if you come to me, you better have references. And I'm going to vet you to make sure that you're not going to kill me publicly. So you will not engage with a total stranger? You're not really going to do that? No, no. Good, Armie, because this made me so upset. It made me feel sympathetic towards you during this whole debacle. How do I say this?

The DMs on Instagram, you're so trusting, I should say, with these people. And I was like, oh, doesn't he know? Don't do that. Because even in our world where fans will write you a DM, like an innocent, like, hi, mommy, I love you. And I'll be like, I love you too. Thank you. And then they'll screen grab it and put it as a story. And I'm like, oh, that was supposed to be private. Even though I said nothing.

Well, it goes to like a really interesting thing of like once you have any sort of like public stage, you're no longer a person to these people. You're a commodity. And that's why you have people coming up to you in public. And I'm sure you guys see this all the fucking time where they walk up already phone in hand and just go, can I get a picture? Oh, right. And they do that. And it's not...

"Hey, I just want to let you know I really love your show." Or, "Hey, I just want to let you know you said something that was really important. My name is Thomas. It's great to meet you. It's always... Let me get a picture." Boom. And then they're like, "Okay, bye." And then immediately, like, "Look at what I have." And it turns you from a human being into a commodity, which is one of the weird things about this whole public business. - But I'm saying, like,

snapchat bro like you never asked i mean i what happened why i was snapping i was snapping okay okay i was snapping i snapped with the best of them were you so like was it this might be a stupid question i think snapchat you can still you can still you can still get fucked with on snapchat yeah you're gonna get fucked like if you're dealing with these people you're gonna get fucked it's not a matter of thinking of like fuck it it's out there i don't care i'm gonna blow it up if i get caught i get caught

I think I, I think somewhere deep down subconsciously I wanted to get caught. I think that I so did not relate to the image of me that was out there in the public of sort of like this, like, look at them. They're like the Ralph Lauren family. They've got the perfect life and the perfect house and the perfect kids. And like, Oh, they should like, I was like,

I feel like a fucking alien walking around most of the time. Like, I don't feel like a human. I feel like a creature. And I have King creature tattooed on my ass that I got at a pool party because I was drunk and someone was like, you want to stick and poke tattoo? And I was like, that's the best idea I've ever heard. Fucking here's my ass. And because like the, the thinking of it was, is like, I don't feel like a human. I feel like a creature. So if I'm going to be a creature, I'm going to be the King of creatures. So I'm just going to lean into this.

this. And so I would like things on my Twitter. I would like rope bondage pictures and shit like that. Oh, it's like your signal to it. I was like, it was like I was dog whistling. Yes. If you will. And wanting, I think, to get caught. And then people would be like, I don't think he knows his Twitter likes Republic. And I'd see that and I'd be like, oh, I know. Yeah, I know. And it was just it was silly. It was silly. So it was a way to get

out from under this public persona? Yeah, I think so. I think it was a way to try to feel seen.

like truly sane besides like, yeah, yeah. I'm not this guy that you think I am. I don't feel like that guy. Yeah. And I don't like carrying the burden of having to be that guy. I was going to say, is, is this like, why now? That's always the question. Like, you know, you had successfully gotten away from this stuff, right. And you went away to the Cayman islands. You came back to LA and now you're coming out in public again. So why now? Like what,

I think because I'm doing it on my terms and I'm doing it authentically as myself. And that's one of the scary things about doing this. And one of the scary things about having the podcast is like being sort of vulnerable in a public way, especially having gone through what I went through where like all this shit was weaponized against me is really fucking scary. But I'm leaning into it because I know that the things generally that make me feel afraid are the things that I got to go towards in order to grow. And so that's why...

I want to have these conversations with my mom. I want to have these conversations with people who like, I even have people on there who are like, I don't like you. And like, I was afraid to talk to you because I think X, Y, and Z about you. And I go, okay, I get that. Let's talk. And like, I want to have those conversations because it makes me feel uncomfortable. And I think that that's the sweet spot.

That is the sweet spot. It is, yeah. Most people have a way uncomfortable conversations. I was going to say, if you leave this show not feeling like you've said too much, your family's going to hate you, everything is terrible, it wasn't a good show. Yeah. You should feel ashamed, weird, anxious. Like, God, what did I say? I'm such an idiot. And then you're like, but no one cares. And I think that's the conditioning part of it. It's like you walk away from it going, fuck, fuck, oh God, oh God, oh God. And then nothing happens. Nothing happens. And you go, oh.

oh, I was just being crazy again. Well, let's talk about what's really important, which is acting. I mean, the most important. The most important thing. You're a great actor. I've seen you in a bunch of things. First, I just want to ask this because I'm always fascinated by great directors. So I have to ask, what is it like to work with Fincher?

Scary. Really? It's very scary. I've seen clips of, you know, those like BTS clips of him. And there is the shots of the way people ask him questions, you know, just like people. There's like an intimidation factor. A million percent. Because he knows how to do every single person's job better than they do. And if you are doing your job well...

he doesn't talk to you or he ignores you because he's like, you're doing your job. That's what you're here for. Go do your job. And if you fuck up, he's going to whip his head over and look at you and you want to really, yeah. I mean, he's, he's probably one of the smartest people that I've ever worked with. But what about as an actor? So like you're, I've never seen him act. No, no, sorry. But like when you're like, you know, getting ready to do like, uh,

You're obviously focused on the scene itself and your preparation for it. And here's what we're going to do. Sure. Does he engage you? Very little. Very little. Because it's that same philosophy. You should be ready to go. I've hired you to do this job. I don't want to do the job for you. So show up and do your job. And if somebody as an actor isn't doing what he wants, then he switches on them. It's more psychological warfare. Yeah. Like he'll just go cut, do it again.

Cut, do it again. Cut, do it again. Cut, do it again. For... I've seen him do that up to 140 times. What? Like, go again. Go again. Go again. Go again. Yeah. I think during the social network, I only remember him ever giving me one note during the entire film. And it was...

It was like a scene where we were talking to our dad about how Mark Zuckerberg has stolen Facebook or whatever it was. I don't remember exactly, but he also moves on set like a shark. Like he just, he doesn't really blink and he just looks at everything and he's taking in 10,000 things at once. And he just walked up to me like this and stared at me and then stood next to me kind of shoulder to shoulder and didn't look at me and just went incredulity and then, and then floated away. And I was like,

I don't know what that means, but I'm too afraid to ask. So, okay, let's try it again. And I did the scene and he just goes, cut, do it again. And I was like, fuck. And then, but then this is the thing is he's so precise about everything he does that if he does 147 takes of it on the 147th take, he'll go cut print. Oh,

Keep that one. Delete everything else. Let's go. And then walks away. He keeps one take. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he'll just keep going until he gets exactly what he wants. And then when he gets it, he says, keep that. Erase everything else. He says that? Yep. Delete everything else. Keep that one. Delete everything else. Wow. Delete. So there's no fallback plan. That's how sure he is at what he does. That's incredible. Yeah.

Does he give direction though when he's like, do it again? Is there a note or just do it? You figure it out. Very little, very little. It's just cut, do it again. Well, you got one word. I got one word. He must have liked you. Yeah. Or he hated me because he had to give me the word. You know, like I hired you to do the job and you're not doing it. Now I have to talk to you. Why aren't you intuitively incredulous right now? Yeah. Yeah. Moron. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. And what are your memories from the man from Uncle? V.

That was just fucking fun fun. Yeah guy Richie is the opposite like he just wants to have a good time He loves making movies. He loves the people that he's working with and he wants it to be an experience really I mean every day on set we would have a giant white tablecloth lunch of like local cuisine wherever we were Wine like it was it was really just the best. Oh

Oh, she always does. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Both of you, a couple of dogs. How was Henry? Did you get lost in his eyes or his jaws? I mean, Henry's great because he is there to work. He's there to do his job. Very professional. Very professional. Very professional. I would say even like very guarded. So it's like you don't really get in there and

She wants to get in there. Yeah, yeah. I like getting in there, so I'd be like, Henry, come on, buddy. And I'd antagonize him and just barge into his trailer and be like, what's up, bro? And he would be like, what are you doing? This is my trailer. And I was like, I know. But we had a great time. Yeah, we had a really good time making that one.

Yeah, fun movie. Shot it all over Europe, too. Yeah, that's kind of the dream, I think, right? It's perfect. Like a period European film. I felt like we were on Anthony Minghella's sets. That's awesome. So here's one more. So you, again, this is not a secret, you're in the category of cancel, don't touch. Sure. Is there a path for you to work as an actor? You know what I mean? There's some people who you go, look, man, this person's

are too grave. They're just, they're in another, they're just like, it's goodbye forever. You're, I feel like, in a different category where like, at the time, it's, you know, they don't want anything to do with you, but it feels like there should be like some path for you? Or am I wrong in this? Well, the worm is turning, right? And it takes time. It does take time. It's slow, but generally now, the conversation when my name comes up with people in the industry is, okay,

man that guy got fucked yeah you know and it and that feels really good it's really encouraging sure i just shot a movie oh you did just i just shot a movie okay and i have two more movies coming up and a potential tv show oh a potential tv show so that the head of a studio signed off on me so it's like it feels like you're back okay so i mean i wouldn't say i'm back with william h macy in it yeah we just did frontier crucible it's me william h macy and thomas jane

Okay, so I was sorry. I just should have fucking researched that question. Yeah. So you are working. I'm working. That's great. I think part of it is just like the gays are out of the White House. Things have switched. Listen, the gays were my biggest advocates, by the way, because they were like, oh, honey, like the shit you said. If people hacked Grindr and saw what we were talking about on there, none of us would work. I didn't mean homosexuals. I just meant, you know.

The gays, the other gays. The stop being gay. Yeah, those gays. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Which I think actually culturally plays a role in things. Like when people in power are more like, hey, don't be fucking ridiculous, which is like the shift that's happening. Yeah. Then things like this happen. When is Kevin Spacey coming back? I don't care who he fondles. He's working too. Thank God. He's working.

I don't care who he fondled. He can fondle me. I love watching that man work. He's an incredible actor. He is amazing. I mean, American Beauty. Everything he does. The fucking way that House of Cards just fell apart with him not on it. You're like, okay, this sucks now. There's some actors that really carry things. Although Robin Wright Penn is so fit. She's great. Not an ounce of fat on that body. She's a weapon.

She's very hot. Would you bang her? Robin Wright? Would you smash her head into a dresser? I would tell her how much I loved her. Not the same. That doesn't count. That's pretty gay, bro. If we were together, I would let my feelings be known. Wow. She's special. I'd let you bang her. You can bang her.

See, this is the kind of relationship I aspire to. Right here. Full consent. Goals. Total consent. Is that conditional consent? Conditional consent. No, it's full. I love you. You can have Henry. Can I just say, and I don't know why I feel the need to say this, but maybe because I was a goth chick that grew up in the... I was never into the S&M scene, but I feel like it gives those people a bad rap when like...

Do you know what I mean? Like it's a legitimate scene, right? Sure. How do I say this? Like Fifty Shades of Grey, you know how fucking popular that was? Yeah, it was like the most popular book. Every housewife. The movie made a billion dollars. Yeah, everyone's twiddling their fucking, skiddling their bean. Reading it on the drying machine.

And, you know, yeah, it gives it a bad rep. That community is its own thing. Sure. And there's rules and regulations, right? Yeah. Like, you guys have a whole – that's a whole fucking thing. I think the issue is, is that – It's not a big deal. Like any community, there are people who are there for altruistic reasons and they enjoy it and they love it and they're safe and they're smart about it and they –

about the people they're engaging with. And I think there are also unsavory characters who get attracted into that world. Like politics. It's like you have people who actually want to help, maybe two of them, and then the rest of them are not there for the right reasons. And I think it gives it a bad name. Yeah, exactly. Do you feel like besides tying up people in your crawl space, do you have any other hidden talents or hobbies? No.

Well, I don't really have time for anything else. Really? It's just that? It's just that. I mean, my crawl space is getting full. Have you seen my apartment on the podcast? It's tiny. It's pretty small. Tiny. Pretty small. Yeah. No, but is there anything else you're into? Like, are you into like surfing? Oh, I love pickleball. I don't even care. I will talk about it. I love pickleball. You should be ashamed of yourself. I love pickleball. Have you tried it? No.

No. No. Okay. All right. Well, if you want to be close-minded, and that's fine. That's your call. It's your show. You do what you want to do. This is a white water fountains only type of place. Fair enough. Fair enough.

I mean, I have a lot of shit that I love to do. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've had a lot more time to do it lately, which is great. But here's the thing. This is actually... We kind of glanced over, but I think it's the big revelation for me is that you are working again as an actor. Yeah. And that's a... Consistent. Like, I'm turning jobs down. Really? Yeah, my dance card's getting pretty full. Hey, but that's great, though, man. By the way, the first job that I turned down after four years of this shit, I mean...

It was the best feeling I've ever had. Really? Yeah. I'm sure. But also, it probably felt great to take the first gig again, right? 100%. Now, were you super nervous about how you would be received? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the story of how it all came up was hilarious because my best friend, Tyler, who has his own podcast called The Painful Lessons Podcast, he called me on Thursday and he goes, I got a movie offer for you. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Like, it has been four years since I worked. He goes, no, no, I have a movie offer for you. I go, what?

why the fuck would you have a movie offer for me? What are you talking about? He goes, I don't know, man, some guy on Instagram DM to me and has a movie for you. And I was like, if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you, bro. And he goes, I don't know, dude, do you want me to just send it over to you? And I was like, all right, fine, send it over to me. And so he sends me the information and he sends me the guy's name and phone number. He goes, just call the guy. And I was like, I'm not going to call this guy. He goes, call the guy, call him on Friday.

On Saturday, I drive out to Arizona. I start rehearsals on Sunday. What? It was like that. Yeah. And it was a legit thing. It was a legit movie. It's the one with William H. Macy and Thomas Jane. It was that one. Jesus Christ. So how about now? It's because agents are always agents. Yeah. So did an agent go like, oh, right. I have not had a single. So I've got.

like five jobs right now that I'm kind of like dealing with and engaging with. I leave for Croatia in January. Like I go to the Philippines in springtime. Like I've got these jobs, right? Not a single one of them has come through an agent. I'm not surprised. Yeah. So are you working this out just with a lawyer? Yeah. I have an attorney. That's all you need. It's great.

Yeah. That's fucking amazing. Saves me 10%. Yeah. So how should people book you for movies? Email my lawyer. It's on IMDB. His name is Todd Rubenstein. There you go. Yeah. You guys want Armie Hammer in your fucking show? Yeah. You email Ruby Stein. That's it. That's it. Work it out with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. That's awesome. Yeah. But good for you. You kind of don't have to sift through their bullshit then, the agents. You don't know when they're lying to you and... Yeah.

I almost feel like it'd be the move is like as your workload increases, your profile grows again, you should just be like, yeah, I don't want an agent. You should just keep the lawyer thing. I'm thinking about it. I mean, I want to go even further than that. I want to do the sort of like Bill Murray, I have an 800 number that you call that I check every couple months. I think you're like one of the few people that could then kind of really justify it too. Well, I think because whatever level I reached as an actor was, let's say here. And then whatever level I reached in infamy as a cannibal is like up here. So it's like...

You want to stunt hire the guy who eats people? Like, call my 800 number. Yeah. I have a question.

Do you think, you know how on IMDb it ranks your star meter, like when you have a project come out? Yeah. Do you think the cannibal period rose your star meter? I don't know. That's a good question. I'd have to ask the Wayback Machine. Josh, can we see if that affected it? Yeah. Because it doesn't matter whether or not they know you. I mean, I know I legitimately hit the number four or five most searched person on Google globally. I believe it. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot.

Yeah, you're up there with like presidents and shit. Yeah. Yeah. People gotta know. And it sucks. Yeah, yeah. It's not fun. I'm sorry. I switched to a flip phone. I switched to a flip phone for a long while. Sorry. No, I would. I changed my number and I got a fucking old flip phone and I lived on a farm and I grew food. Somebody just told me that they did this. I'm there too. And I actually, I started to think about it more like recently where they got a phone, an additional phone and they,

It's their primary phone, and they didn't download any social media on it. And they keep social media on a separate phone. So it's like they have to go to the phone to do it just to be free of it. I don't know who this is, but they're cheating. Yeah. They're cheating. That's the only reason you have two phones like that. Oh. Bat phone. Okay. Yeah. There you go. All right. Hey, how many do you have? I have four. Oh, my God. I have four phones. Busy man. Yeah. Busy man. What the fuck, dude? Yeah.

All right, star meter. Well, that's pretty good. Let's see. Yeah, you got high. Yeah. Yeah, you're up there. What is that? Seven? I can't read that. Entertainment Tonight? I don't know. That's in 21. Down 41 this week. Thanks. Thanks, guys. Don't you love this? Thanks for pulling up these metrics. But...

That's so sick. What a great business. Here's a visual representation of your fame. I do want to say that I am in the top 1,373. That's pretty good. I'll take it. I'll take it. I mean, there's a lot of people doing this. That's huge, actually. I'd pull ours up. No, please don't. You'll feel better. I'm probably not even wrong. 1,371. God damn it, I'm out of here.

I've got to be way below you, dude. I'm not even on the map. Let's see. Yeah. I'm 12,000, bro. You're up there. I would trade spots with you. I don't know. Like, generally. Christina? You can't tie me up. Oh, no, no. I'm not into your shibari. Let's see. Shibuditsu. I'm not even on there. Yeah, 21,000. I'm dead. Dude. Yeah, but you went up. See, that's the thing. How did I go up? You went up 1,814 points. What did I do? Oh, probably when I had cancer. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm sure I had breast cancer around that time, and that's probably what it was, like the People magazine or whatever. Don't please stop looking at it. What's that peak one? What was that? Did I get canceled? Yo, 2000? What? There you go. Oh, my special. Oh, wow, it did well. All right, go back to me. See, I like how Netflix never tells me when I do well. What the fuck? Damn, dude. I'm super jelly right now.

Oh my god, I did so much better than you in my special came out. You're above 2,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh man. Fuck yeah, that shit's tight. Look how high that is. Shut up. Star meter. How many people do you think check this daily? Oh my god. There's got to be actors that are like, please. I've heard, and I'm not going to name names, but I've heard of actors who go onto their IMDB message board.

I don't know if they even still have it. And we'll be like, that's not true. He's a great actor. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing really well. There's comics that do that, too. Who? Back in the day. Come on. Outtime stories. Name names, you coward. Yeah, you got it. They have their burner accounts. I mean, and then famously, Kevin Durant did it. Did he? Oh, yeah. Did he forget to switch accounts? I think that something like that happened where people were criticizing him, and then he had an account that just would defend Kevin Durant. Wow. Yeah.

You can look at the tweet history of the account, and it's all like, I heard Kevin Durant has a huge penis. Yeah, well, I think he actually, he's pretty cool about it. I think he kind of just accepted it, whatever. He's a really outspoken guy, and he was probably actually getting slandered unnecessarily. Also, when it's about your game, you're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Well, there's like that whole tall poppy syndrome thing, too. No.

What's that? The tallest poppy. Everyone wants to cut it down. So true. Haters gonna hate, bro. Losers. Well, people can listen to the Army Hammer Time podcast. Does it release the same day? Yeah, Mondays. Every Monday we drop a new episode. Check out a new episode. And can see you in some upcoming episodes.

Yes, you can. Pretty exciting, man. It's awesome. I think maybe even next year one of them might be coming out. Oh, my God. That's awesome, man. Your podcast is lovely. I really enjoy listening to you talk with your mother. Very open, very candid. And you get very personal, which I think is really cool. Because a lot of people go through the same kind of stuff you did, trauma, and how do you get through it? And how do you talk to your parents about it and all that? Yeah.

I don't know. I thought it was very interesting. So give it a listen, you guys. Appreciate it. Check it out. Try it out. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for coming in, man. Thanks for having me. It was super fun. It was really fun. This is also really good for me to see what a podcast can get to. Yeah. Where you're like, we'll fly out. I was like, podcasts do that? Like, here's your hotel room. Oh, do you need my credit card for the hotel room? No, we don't. What? What is going on here? What?

And then it's a fucking compound you got here. This is amazing. Wait until you see the bathroom. We have mints and stuff. Whoa. Oh, yeah. Flossers. Chapstick. Well, after this fucking nicotine pouch, I'm going to go need to take a shit in your bathroom. So I'm very excited about this. And there's fucking dude wipes in there. No way. Yeah. Fresh. I mean, I bring my own everywhere I go. Oh, that's cool. I actually do have wipes in my backpack. That's fucking. Yeah. I need to start doing that more.

I feel like I shit like an animal on the road. You shit all the time at home, too. Thanks for coming. Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next week. Bye.

All right, here we go, Jeans. Oh, shit. No, this has nothing to do with you. Yeah, right. I promise. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. Wet nutsack. This is no shit. Wet nutsack. It's a surprise. It's a surprise.

This is incredible.

Wet nutsack. It's a surprise. Wet nutsack. I think it was towards the end of lunch. Especially when you do it in front of your mom.