Is This Weird? w/ Rob Iler | YMH Ep. 779
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More 2025 dates will be announced very soon. Limited tickets left for Columbus on October 4th and Detroit on October 5th. Tickets and all upcoming tour dates at tomsegura.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. ♪♪♪

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See Mint Mobile for details. Hello, mate. Hello, Governor. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. How are you doing? My mom says. My mom. Do it. No. No. Nay. Nay. That's been a new one in the cigarette house is the Australian. Nay. Nay. It's terrible. Nay. How you going? Nay. Nay.

Yeah, I'm so tired. I've been like, the kids have been waking me up and you've been waking me up snoring so bad. The fucking balls on this broad. So bad. The fucking balls on this broad. Yeah. I've been going to sleep every night and every fucking night you have been sleeping.

snoring like a donkey. And you know what ends up happening? I just go, well, you know, just let her do it. I have cancer time. Exactly. I can do whatever I want. I'm licensed to ill now. Here goes the cancer shit. So I'm sitting here with my Invisalign shit and I still keep my mouth shut and I go, let her do it. And then I fall asleep and then I'll be like, I'll hear, Tom, hey. And I'm like, what?

And you're like, you're snoring. And I'm like, you're fucking snoring. And you're like, yeah, I'm like, Jesus, you snore. Yeah, I laughed. And then you're like, turn over, do something, move. I'm like, okay, like I've been dealing with your shit, your bullshit snores for months now. So what? I have to sleep on my- You did laugh when I said it to you? I laugh, yeah, because you're like, you snore. Because that's how my mother used to, oh, everybody, hold on. Tom's putting chapstick on with his mouth open again. Where do you really get those corners moistened, huh?

It's a proper way to put on a chapstick. Do you like the smell of this chapstick? No, I don't like this one at all. It smells terrible. But I just want to have, you know. Let me hook you up. There's better Flaves in the world. Okay. I have to sleep on my back because of my fake tits, sweetie. They're healing stuff. Yeah. But I do feel like I get a cancer pass for like a year. You have to be much nicer to me. I know. Can I tell you a secret now that we're past it?

What? It's almost as bad as pump. Are you about to say? Putting holes in the. Guess what? I didn't have cancer. I didn't have cancer this whole time. That's awesome. As putting holes in the wall for the hamster. Yeah. The day that I got my biopsy, the nurses were joking and they were like, you should tell him it was really worse than it was that he treats you nicely. And I was like, I think I'm going to try that. I totally faked that it was bigger than it was to get you to be nicer to me.

They did punch a hole in my tit, and there was blood everywhere. That's true. You told a very dramatic story. I remember. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Because I did ham it up a little. Wait. Let me ask you. How did I respond? Was I... No. First, you were like, can you drop me off at the office after your biopsy? And I was like, no. I have a hole in my tit, and I'm high on Xanax. I can't drive you anywhere. Okay. But then...

And then you're like, okay, yeah, okay. And then you were nice to me. Okay. You were super nice to me. So intended goal achieved? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You told like a harrowing tale. You were like, they were supposed to just make this. They told me it was going to be a small incision and it ended up being just so much bigger. And there was so much blood. There was blood on the floor. Blood was shooting out of me. It's true though. That part is true. Oh my God.

There was blood everywhere. That's the truth, though. You're like, it's way, way more intense than they would describe. I think it was just they didn't expect it to be the way it was. And I was like, oh, wow. It was fun to fuck with you. I was so high on Xanax that...

It probably should have been more traumatic than I felt. And then the evil nurses and you together were like, you know what you should do? They're like, you should tell it, Mecham. You know how women talk. You should tell it, Mecham. You should back up the stuff that you bought.

It's like when you get your makeup done for a TV show and they're like, your husband should take you out. You look hot. But you don't because in real life you look crazy. He's like a psycho. You look like a whore. A clown whore. So anyway, I did lie to you a little bit. I embellished you.

Okay, but just so you know, I'm not embellishing about your snoring. It is intense. How loud is it? It sounds like a fucking grown man, like a trucker. Don't lie. Taking a nap. Why don't you record it? Yeah. Record it. Okay, I'll record it. Yeah, you know technology. Yeah, I know how to press record. Yeah, I'll do it. Do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. And then I'll surprise you on the show. A duh. What should I do? Tape my mouth shut again? No. Just do it. All right. Just do your thing. I'll deal with it. All right.

I'll deal. Would you like to open the show? Ready to have some fun today? Ready to have a good time? I'm ready to have a good time. You ready to do our thing? Hold on. YouTube is trying to fuck our shit. Fuck that. We got to do that. Feel me?

Yeah. She's right. They're trying to fuck our shit still? Always. It's just a whole thing. The whole world's changed with them. And meanwhile, some guy that puts his finger in his butt and nares his asshole. That's fine. He's teaching you. My kid can go see him do that stuff. He's like, this makes me look bigger when I trim my dick like this. Unreal. Okay. It's on YouTube? Yeah, it's fun. Don't let your kids on YouTube. Anyway. Yeah. Let's do something nice. How about a nice way to open the show? Okay. Yeah. Nice clip. Let's do that. Sure.

Wow. Wow.

Good opener. It's intense. What part? I think the most menacing part is just the stare. It's so dialed up. Yeah. Can I write stuff down? Give me your pen. That chapstick smells. Yeah. Smells like medicine.

Are you a bitch? Yes. Yeah. See, the thing is, I hadn't considered his offer. I hadn't considered this as an option. And then his conviction and his level of certitude...

I might be on board with watching him do this. Seriously, I never would have imagined 100 years that this was going to go to this. Really? I don't like the use of the N-word. I don't want it. Okay. But let's play it again because I want to make sure I know what the offer is. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm pretty confused by it too. Here, let's go back to it. Are you a bitch? Yes. That loves seeing a nigga check his dick off?

When I'm exhausted. He's exhausted. And tired from doing that act. From jacking off. That's what he's saying. Will you love the finale? Not a blink yet. Me of...

Busting my cum in your mouth. I don't want it in my mouth. Where do you want it? Anywhere else. Anywhere else? Anywhere else. Forehead? No. Well, that's what you said, anywhere else. I'm just thinking, like, it's so intense. Yeah, this dude is on the verge. I mean, he is... This kind of gives you... You know, this is good for women to see. This is a level that all men get to. We don't always articulate it. But this is... We're all...

We're all, it's all possible. Like men always have a hum, right? Of like, I need to come. And it just stays there. And then if you let enough time pass and you arouse a guy enough and he's denied something, then he just gets just like, do you want to see me jack off?

In your mouth. Like, every guy can see this on some level and go like, well, I've been there. I mean, I didn't make a video. I didn't make the video, but I've been there. Because we've all, we've seen many a frenzied horny man. Yeah, yeah. This is a... This is different. This is contained. But it's contained erotic rage, right? That's what it is. It is, yeah. He's not screaming, but his dick is. Like, he's about to fucking...

He's at a 20. Yeah. If he doesn't come right now with somebody else. And here's the thing. What I find interesting is that we always tell women, you know, or tell people, men, women don't like this. But here's what's interesting, audience. This video played and the woman in the room was like, I wouldn't mind watching this.

So it just shows you that when you have conviction and when you really have drive, there is somebody who's willing to say yes. Well, I think only because his level of salesmanship and his conviction, yeah, the emotional. It's like when you watch a talk. Hold on. Okay.

It's not about the algorithm. It's about your emotion at the time. And he is so keyed up. You're right. It's a rageful sexual energy. Yeah. Now, is it that he needs someone else to watch him come or that he just needs to come right now? It's as the other person has to be there. Well, it's a two, it's an interesting thing that you said first. Well, first of all, I'd like to say ultimately what sold you on this is something that you, as a man, you hear the whole life, which is confidence, passion, like passion, confidence, like,

that women respond to that. See? I'd watch it, but I don't want the cum in my mouth because I don't know him. Again, you're only saying it's not allowed in your mouth. Is it allowed on your fucking... Well, don't put it on my body. Just cum somewhere else. Why do you have to cum on me? I didn't know that you were willing to be in the same room. I thought you just... I don't know about that. He didn't say that, did he? Well, I don't think he... I mean, no one asked for that specificity but you. I mean, this feels like...

Something you could say like I'd watch the video and here you are being like, just keep it out of my mouth. Here's the thing. I've seen many a guy masturbate in public, on public transportation, on park benches, homeless people, under tunnels, under freeways. Got it. It's fine.

But I don't know if I, I wouldn't want to be so close to him in proximity because this is, this could go somewhere else. Yeah, of course it could. But I'd watch a vid. We've seen. We were all thinking vid. You were the only one who was like, just not on my leg. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'd watch. Do we have the footage? I don't think anybody imagined you being in the same room as the guy. I mean that, yeah. Again, that's the only place your mind went.

Let me ask you this. Why is he wearing his headphones askew? Why are the headphones? He's probably in a truck and he's on break right now. He's just delivering something and driving across. That's your Amazon guy. Yeah. This is in between packages. He's so keyed up, man. You forget that that's who's filling the world up is people like this are doing regular jobs. Regular people. Yeah.

I know it's really wild to think about people's secret proclivities and what gets them ramped up. This guy's ready to nut. I've never seen a guy this angrily... Contained, though. Yeah, I'm looking for girls, for pussy. We've seen the creepy horny, but this is a new type of horny. But here's the thing. Rage horny. But this is what's interesting, and I think you're kind of like... Sure. You've never seen one of these and said like...

i'd watch that and then something about this man maybe because he's not he's not an ugly guy he's not he's attractive he's not a creepy guy but he's saying some pretty wild and you're like i'd check it out you know what though hold on tom i'd like to point out that since this show has started i've evolved oh i've changed yeah i'm an older broad

I'm more accepting. Now, I watched Will Blunderfeld stand on his head and masturbate into his own mouth. Yeah. I have cum all over my face. A few times now. I'm open. Okay. I'm more open. All right.

Cool. Okay, you come. That one I'll never like. See? But that one's not. It's so tiny. It's sad. When he comes, it's so anticlimactic. And the buildup is so long. His judges is so terrible. It's so pathetic. And it's because of his. Let me see all that gum. His circulatory system is not healthy. When I heard he died. Yeah.

I'll say this. Shocked. I was not surprised. Shocked. I was not like, yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing this. This is really cool.

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that I'm so happy to announce this. I don't know if you guys follow my social media. You really should because I love breaking these stories in my stories that they finally, finally released Black Down Syndrome Barbie. Oh, yeah. I mean, very retarded. Yeah. And? Well, could you bring up the post, Zolo? Because as always, the comments are really what kills me. Yeah. So it's a news report.

this woman is like due to the huge demand in the black community we've made Mattel has decided to make and of course the comments are just like no we didn't yeah could she not yeah where is she bring up that post bitch

Mattel releases the first ever... We can't play this audio, right? Yeah, probably not. So here's what the audio is saying, if you're not... Obviously. That due to the large demand in the black community, Mattel has finally done it. And this white lady here, Candy, is here to tell us how amazing it is. And how there's three...

arrows to represent the third, you know, chromosome and whatever. But also, if you'll notice, which I find, and this is an actual Down syndrome girl playing with it. If you'll notice, this Barbie, still kind of hot. Like skinny. Don't compliment that bitch. She's skinny and still effable, which is kind of creepy. Don't you think? I'm just pointing out.

Well, here's the thing. If you hadn't said anything, I'm just saying, I would never look at this Barbie and go, oh, it's the Barbie with Down syndrome. Right. I mean, I can't figure that out. Right. So it's still kind of creepy that a children's toy has to be fuckable.

Yeah, I mean... I mean, she's still hot, which is close. She just looks like she has a black dad and a Korean mom, is what this kind of looks like, you know? You've seen those, right? And you're like, wow, she's pretty hot. Korean mom! And you're like, that's a great mix. Yeah.

Okay, let's see. I thought at a glance at that comment, I said, boy, that's Segura. I didn't actually read it, but wow. Okay. Now, if only they hire black designers on the Barbie team. Diverse inclusion needs to extend beyond the dolls. That's a valid point. It's so valid point. Scroll down more.

Not for me over here about to cry. This is the epitome of representation. Okay. Next is who asked for this? Who asked for this? Then the next comment is, I don't have a problem with the Down syndrome doll. I have a problem with...

with only being the first black with Down syndrome. As if Down syndrome don't exist in other races. Why couldn't it be a series of dolls? I agree with that. You know what this also highlights, though, is how...

The idea that everybody gets to comment on anything is just, okay. Like this didn't exist. I always think about this didn't exist 20 years ago where like you can just do things and you'd be like, I don't know. I think people like it. And like now everybody gets to tell you every one of their thoughts, you know, catering to sensitive people is so nice. Okay. The most complaining set of people.

But I agree, like, why isn't there every race of Down syndrome doll? So we wanted a Black syndrome doll? Bro, what? How a toy's supposed to have Down syndrome? Good point, man. You're right, that doll doesn't actually have it. Um...

How is that your idea? That's bullshit. This doll doesn't have Down syndrome. Prove it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, this piece of plastic doesn't really have Down syndrome. Oh, my God. Where was the white doll at? Agreed. Y'all need to do shades. Agreed. So where's the white? All shades. The white down. Wipe. Looks like a regular barber to me.

Yeah, like is it such a prevalent thing in the black community? This goes, what the fuck? It looks like a normal black person. They always into something. This is not okay, okay? I don't see the Down syndrome, but I'm happy they're being inclusive. She's not Downsy enough. That's the problem. I mean, here's the thing though. Imagine...

They didn't design one doll and go, here it is. So that means in the early iterations, it was probably a doll that they were like, yo, this is. And they're like, what? You told us. The designers were probably like, well, we did what we do. Of course. They had to find just the right amount of downs, which is so gross. How many focus groups did they sit down with and do this kind of stuff? It's just so bizarre. I don't know.

I just see a doll whose father was stationed abroad and did a couple tours and had a kid. In Korea? Yeah. That's hilarious. It's exactly. I know. I don't think she is Downs enough. And also, like, she's still hot. Why she couldn't be white? I don't know.

Oh, what and about plus size Barbie? I think that was like the first one they did. Is there a plus size Barbie? Of course. Let's see it. That was the first one is a fat size Barbie. It's going to be just slightly bigger. Yeah, of course. It's still hot. Don't worry. She's not even Bridgerton fat. Let's see. Plus size Barbie.

Please. Penelope was much better. That is not accurate. That is not the Barbie they released. I think it says ABC News. No, no. Finder for real. Dances with Fat. See, that's not real. That's not the real one. Because I collect these, don't you know? Every time they come out, I buy it. You do buy these. I have an entire collection of diversity Barbies. Yeah.

Because it's the right thing to do, guys. I'm inclusive. I love it. It's important to remember that Mattel cares. They do. That's part of their... Corporations really care. Corporations are always about, like, how can we...

Be more diverse. Inclusion. That's what we care about. Diversity. Is that really the Barbie? No, it's not. It's not. Can you make it bigger? They wouldn't put chins on it. No. It is. I'm trying to tell you, man. No fucking way. What does it say under the photo? What does the caption there say? Like the little caption.

Can you make that bigger? LMO, this is horrible. Hilarious. It says artwork was created by Barbara. So yeah, I don't think it is real. Oh, okay. Yeah, because they wouldn't... It's too pig-like. Yeah, it's exaggerated. If they were going to do it, they'd be like, hey, what's up with the fucking triple chin? Yeah, that's too exaggerated. They'd just do a wider shoulder base and be like, oh, it's fat. It's not. This Barbie's a size...

zero like real Barbie Barbie normal is like a zero so she's like a size six and they're like she's obese that's still it's guys this is oh my god this is horrible

Who asked for this? That was my favorite comment there. I can't believe that people really want that type of representation. I would never want to buy a photo or a doll that looked like me. I'd be like, no, like...

I would like to aspire to something better. Yeah, I know. Like, I know what I see in the mirror, and I don't want a doll of that. I want to see one where I go, oh, that'd be cool if I, like Superman. You go, oh, Superman. It's like this unachievable physique. But you go like, yeah, that's the. It's a point. Yeah, you go, that's a. You aspire. You aspire to be like. Much like our guest coming in today, Miss Kendall. She's an aspirational person.

There's a reason her ass was on the Peloton bike, not mine. You want to look like her. It's the fitness influence. All the instructors are in great shape. Of course. But we'll bring her in in a minute. But that is so fun. Yeah, so that was my favorite one. Yeah, that was really, really cool. I was really freaking radical. So what else? What you got for me? Oh, my God. There's so many cool things in here. Hold on. Let me see. Well, I mean...

You know, we spoke to Fancy Chef. Yeah, I know. I've never been more excited. I know. I'm saying we spoke to Fancy Chef. Oh, you're recapping for the audience. Exactly. As a broadcaster, I'm just... It's cookies in cream. Yeah.

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I was sort of floored and quite surprised that when I said, what can we have? He goes, whatever the fuck you want. And I go, great, sea bass. He's like, yeah, I don't fuck with seafood. And I was like, okay, that's an interesting thing. He's like, you know, I don't want to get my hands on all that smell. I'm like, what? So, but then...

Our staff here, our crack staff, pointed out to me that he does sometimes. I'm going to add some fresh lemon to the chef. The shrimp right there. I'm going to add some fresh lemon. That's nice. That's delightful. That's mouthwatering. That's mouth-freshing. Is that lemonade? That's tenderloin. That's beauty of mouth. That gives you burst of love. That gives you connection with the chef. That's remarkable. That's nice. That's exciting. That's nice and pretty and beautiful.

He's right. It looks delicious. Wow. That's easily a $3,000 or $4,000 dish from where I'm sitting. Of course. Yeah. I've seen some of his prices. They're wild. Is that right? How much would this... You think this is a $4,000 dish? I don't know about this one, but he has... First of all, his price map is all over the place. So sometimes he's like...

You know, if you want this, I'll do $300 per person for this if you want to host this type of event. And you're like, okay, like that's pricey. But like I've seen, you know, events that they go, there's a price per head and this is like top tier stuff. And then sometimes he'll be like, this is a dish, it's 15 grand. Like for a dish. That's crazy. I've never...

I know. He has his own like. What other like flecks of gold in it, you know? Maybe. Sometimes. I don't know. Is it rare meat? Maybe it's like imported snake from some country. It's like you're asking Gandalf, how do you make this potion or something? You know, it's like, I don't know. It's like, can it really give you the answer?

I love burgers. I love burgers. Wow. That's huge. How's he going to cook that through? Also, it's such... Can I tell you what an interesting choice it is?

To not flatten out the meat and to prepare your burger as a meatball. Something I would say I've never seen actually done before. Neither have I. Most places, I've ordered a lot of burgers. What they do is they press it down, right? And they actually, even if it's large, they press it so that the burger cooks and kind of stays in a flatter circumference, right? But this one,

huge softball of meat is really fascinating. How's he going to cook it through? I'm very curious. He's going to fry it? It's going to take hours. Well, he's browning it. You bring up a great point. I don't think the heat will ever penetrate the center of that. Maybe that's

the fancy in the fancy. Yeah. When you go, chef, this isn't cooked. And he goes, just eat it. It's beautiful. It's nice. It's beautiful and nice. Yeah, that's true. This is the type of stuff. Oh, he told Zolo, go to the fucking store. Is this home goods?

Fancy and nice.

Do you want to know something embarrassing about us? Sure. I don't even think we have fancy things like that. Well, we don't have fancy things like that, but I'll tell you this. We're fucking getting it if he's coming. Hell, of course. He said how to do it, so. We actually do eat off of paper plates a lot. A lot. Because I don't want to do the dishes. I understand. And I don't have matching anything. Wow.

This is the mac and cheese. Wow. Never seen that color. Cilantro in the mac and cheese? On top. Wow. So nice. Very interesting. Do you think that's like mozzarella? Because I've never seen it white like that. It's very creamy. So creamy. It could be ranch. Ranch.

It could be ranch. Because he does like to incorporate ranch. Or strawberries in there. You never know. He loves strawberries. My favorite, which I tried to get him to talk about, was desserts. I was like, you. And he was like, yeah, I'll do whatever you want. And then he was like, yeah, I won't do that also. But. I just got a question. If you want to eat green, if you want to master gourmet chef to cook for you, and you need something done, and you need a function to go, all you got to do is call.

That does look nice, the pear. Wow. That's interesting.

I'm so excited. Oh, I am too. When is he? He's coming when? How much time do I have to wait? Next week. I'm going to save up this appetite. Yeah, I wouldn't eat until then. I'm going to come in good and hungry. He has three different sized bottles of Hennessy and three different sized bottles of Bacardi in that. That's the fancy on the table. I mean, you know, you have to know your guests. You don't know who likes what amount. It makes perfect sense to me. And I'm sure it accompanies the pair perfectly.

He's thought this through. Oh, yeah. This is deliberate. I can't wait to see the menu that he arrives with for us. I can't wait. Do you think he'll send it over in advance for approval or he's just going to surprise us? I think we said ultimately do your thing. Like just do your thing. New York strip is what he said multiple times. New York strip with like red potatoes. So I think what you should do if you don't mind is when you quadruple confirm-

that you could say, hey, we're now going to do a store run for you, chef. And then just go like, I was going to pick this up and pick that up. Is there anything else you need? So that we have everything that he wants, you know? Will do. Would it be worth, you know, going shopping with him and taking the crew and seeing how he shops? Maybe we get the food with him. That's good content. That's really interesting to see how he... How does he price... I just don't know if we could do it right, you know?

But how does he price out a $15,000 plate? Let's find out. Good thought. Because that's how we can find out the logic. Yeah, that's a great idea. Why does this cost this much since I just spent $37? Why is it $15,000? How much is he going to charge us? Do we know? Do we know what you're paying for this? I do. I don't think I should say it until later.

It is a tax write-off. It's for the show. Sure. For this just to have the experience. Yeah. I mean, this is what life is supposed to be about, experiences. You're telling, who are you telling it to? I love it. And I've, I can tell, I've actually, I've befriended a number of chefs in the world and I love chefs. They're, it's like hanging out with comedians or musicians. They're artists, you know, and,

To be able to say that I have had a fancy chef cooked meal is really, I bet you none of my chef friends have done this and they're going to be like, wait, what the fuck? You had fancy chef cook for you? And I'll be like, yeah. And guess what? He makes more than you do. Yeah. Well, he knows his value, which is very important in our, in any business. I'm very excited. Know what you're worth. All right. We should take a quick break.

I'm so stoked. I know. The fancy chef is coming. That's huge. And our guest. So, yeah. We'll be back in a few. It's time to make peachy. And we are here. Joining me, as always, is my lovely co-host, Christine.

And she'll be weighing in with some of her thoughts and questions throughout. Don't you worry about that. And joining us today is one of our favorite return guests. You can see him every Thursday on the YMH Studios YouTube channel as part of his podcast. Not today, pal. It's Rob Eiler, everybody. Thanks for having me, buddy. No, thank you for coming in. How's the poker scene?

Everything's great. Everything's great. Yeah. Yeah. Things are good. Life is, you know, it's good. It's good. You look good. You look fresh. Thank you. You look rested. You must've slept time last night. Are you, are you, are you excited about football being back?

That's all I care about. Yeah. I just want every day to be Sunday. We could just gamble all day. Gamble all day. That's the only thing I have left to gamble. Do you gamble on any other sports or is it just football? I mean, I do, but I don't really enjoy it. The NBA finals are fun, but baseball is the worst. You gamble on baseball and it's absolute misery. I'm not doing that. It's horrible. Football is the only one also, because I didn't grow up really...

with gambling as part of life. But in the last few years, I started to get a better understanding of... Well, there's just like... There are a lot of complex layers. A bet to a kid is, I bet you the 49ers will win. Right. That's the bet. Yeah. Right? But then you get into actual gambling. It's over, unders, and it's like side bets. And it's all like...

Do you get involved in the multi-layered...

like levels of betting I'm not I'm not really good at that kind of stuff but the um that that and also that stuff feels kind of new like I remember I don't know if I was like six seven eight but I remember like putting in parlays when I was like six or seven or eight years parlays well because like uh my grandfather would be at the bar all day and there were these cards that you get like these sheets and then it was like you pick three teams and you get like six to one on your money or whatever so that was

what they didn't it was a way that you could bet like five dollars or ten dollars and make a bunch i remember my first bet yeah like i had 20 bucks for my birthday or something and i told my my my grandpa like i want i want to use this money to do a parlay like you do you know and i did a parlay and i lost and i've been hooked ever since wow so that was you got i gotta get that money back yeah yeah i've been i've been chasing that 20 ever since this whole time yeah i forget are you also a blackjack fan i forget

No, I don't really. Cause like, you know, I lived in Vegas for years and I would just see everybody come and lose. And it's just, you're like, why do you, you know, we're poker. You, you fucking, you could win money cause you're playing against other people. I've been at blackjack tables though, where our people are winning in, well, first of all, betting insane amounts of money, 30,000 a hand. And I'm like,

Holy shit. And winning. Yeah. Well, I mean, the edge is not insane. Like, I don't know the exact numbers, but it's only like 56%. So like 44 times out of 100, you're gonna win. It's just it's all about that 6%. Yeah. And here's the thing. It took me a I mean, took me a while to figure out, I guess, is that you just have because it is gambling, right? You have to like accept things.

But when you play blackjack, you just get good shoes and bad shoes. You know? Yeah, yeah. Like, there's a time where you'll go through the shoe, and you're like, man, like, every other... I'm winning, like, five hands in a row. And you feel good. You're like, I guess this is just what it's like. And it's not. You just got a great shoe. And the way you should do it is just kind of enjoy that and leave. That's the hard part. Yeah, of course. Because the other part is, like, there's shoes that come out, and you're just like, this is fucking insane. I've lost...

nine of the last ten hands dealt. And you go, this is all bullshit. But that's just it. It goes well and then it doesn't. You have ups and downs. If you tell a casino, I want to come and play a hand of blackjack for a million dollars, they don't really care. But if you tell a casino, I got $50,000. I'm coming for the weekend to play blackjack all weekend. They're like, yeah, come on. They're like, we'll give you a nice room. We'll give you that. Because they know that 50 grand is, you know, it's a very high percent chance it's going to be theirs. Where the million dollars is like,

54, 55%, which they don't really care. I had also the experience of... I've never bet crazy, crazy money, but I've also stayed at... We play a lot of casinos in stand-up, right? Yeah. You play the really, really nice ones that are... There's a few across the country. Oh, yeah. And then we play some real fucking dirtbag ones, right? Yeah. Like some real... And you know who you are. And we play...

I've been in some shit casinos. And the thing is, like, they'll pay the performer, like, real money, right? They'll give us, like, a real fee to do the show. And you get there and you're like, this fucking dump is paying me? Like, where the fuck do they... Because they don't put the money in the fucking facility. No. The room sucks. It's not the employees. None of it. The employees are wild. They're all just, like, out of an insane asylum. Yeah. And it's...

it's all dog shit. And then you play blackjack and let's say we have one of those just good hands, right? Good night, good little run. And I'm walking out few grand up, maybe five. And I'm like feeling, I'm like, you know, that's to me, I don't bet crazy. I'm like, I'm like, wow. And as I'm walking out, one of the pit bosses is like, Hey, uh, where are you going? And I'm like, cause I've been, we've been playing for like an hour or something.

I'm like, we're just turning it in. They're like, oh, we have a, you want to come over here? And I'm like, what?

What's going on? And I realized they're just, they're trying to get that back. And I'm like, are you trying to get five grand back? Yeah. But they are. You could tell how, there's almost like a rule where it's like you could tell how good a casino is by how high the ceilings are. So like I've been in casinos where it's like six foot ceiling. Oh, yeah. And you're just like, oh, and like this filled with smoke. That's a good point. It is. But you go somewhere like the Wynn or Aria and you're like, I can't even see the ceiling. No, I know it's 200 foot ceiling.

It's your boy Devin here, y'all. And I'm so proud of myself.

I didn't itch my asshole when I was out in public today. I'm so proud. I didn't itch my butthole. Okay, bye. One of the better dressed cool guys. This guy is very cool. I didn't itch my asshole. Yeah.

We've all had it. Listen, we've all had it. Itchy assholes are, I mean, that's one of the things that I'll say was really nice to evolve. You know, humankind evolves and we get new technology. These portable wipes that they started to make, like single pack wipes. Yeah. And you go and you check and you're like, oh, it's so much brown. That's why it's itching. It's really nice. Yeah. I don't even do the single. I just bring out the whole pack. I travel with two of them now. Two entire packs.

I learned from Jeff Tate, the great Jeff Tate, a comedian. I was like, we're on the road. I'm like, I'm going to take a dump. He's like, oh, hold on. And he reaches into his backpack and gives me the wipes to go to the... He must love you. Yeah. And I'm like, wow, are you traveling? He's like, well, you don't travel with stuff? And I'm like...

I would never give, there's no one else I'd give my wife. If my brother was like, I'm going to take a shit at a big have fun. I wouldn't give anyone else my wife. Those are just for you. Those are on lockdown. Yeah. Yeah. No way. And at the house at your place, do you have a washlet? Well, that's, you know, I, I had one for a while and then I, I, I kind of started getting in my head about shooting water in my ass. That's, that's from like,

Like, you know, Vegas has really bad water. There's a lot of places that have really bad water. And I'm like, I don't know if this is good for me. Because I'm crazy with, like, health shit. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know if shooting this water in my butt is good for me. You have a, like, a theory about this? Yeah, like, I just, I think, like, you know how they say, like, don't drink the water from this place and this place. I'm like, well, should I be shooting it in my butt then? Spraying your asshole with it? Yeah, I just don't know. You think it's seeping into your system? Definitely, yeah. They say, like, your asshole sucks up just like...

Just like your mouth. Yours might. Yeah. They say if you put alcohol in your blood, you get drunk. Oh, yeah. So you're absorbing that stuff. You can get alcohol poisoning very easily like that. That's what I'm saying. So what's coming from that water? So I just use the baby wipes. Okay. Wow. I have a lot of time to think. I don't have kids. So what if you stay in a hotel that has it? You won't use the sprayer? No. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Because you're afraid of what it's doing to you.

To your system. Yeah. That's a pretty paranoid thought. Yeah, I have a lot of those. Really? What's another one? I don't know. Solo knows. I mean, I just have the boys know. I mean, I don't know. Did you get the jab? Huh? About Bluetooth. The Bluetooth one's wild. Well, I always keep my Bluetooth off on my phone and like on everything because I think I'm just like, this can't be good for me. I don't even think that's that crazy.

Like I always keep Bluetooth off because I'm like, I know it can't be good. Do you ever use Bluetooth? When I do, I'll put it on. Yeah, but I'm not just like 24-7. Yeah, it's in my pocket all the time. I don't want to have Bluetooth on all the time. And in my head, I'm like, there's no downside to turning it off. Right. It's one of those things where I'm like, hey, if there's no downside, why not? What's the issue? Yeah, why not leave it off? Okay. Yeah. Did you get the jab? No. No. No. No.

Yeah. I had COVID like three times and they're like, yeah, get this. I'm like, no. No way. Yeah. Why? I know. I did. I got it. Yeah. I know. People ask me, they're like, why did you get that? And then I have this very silly reason why. Do you know why? Travel? No.

Two of my cousins are virologists. They're infectious disease doctors. And I was like, hey, should I get this? And they're like, what are you, fucking retarded? Of course. And then I did. So I blame them. Yeah, listen, I think it's a coin flip. Yeah. I just look at it as like, yeah, you know, you do it. I don't know. I wasn't like, I wasn't one of those people who were like, you know, they're trying to kill me. But I also was like, this can't be. But now the thing that is fun is that the people who didn't get it, like,

They'll be like, yeah, so-and-so, do you hear what happened? Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking got in a car accident. Oh, yeah. Totally. Must have been the jab. Yeah. Well, the funny thing is, so Jamie's, not funny, Jamie's son got really sick and all these people were like, yeah, it's because of the vaccine, this. And then she was like, no, he didn't get the vaccine. And then they're like, oh, well, sorry. I'm sorry about your kid. Yeah. It just becomes quickly like, oh, well, but they like, they go on the, you know, they also attacked Jamie for using a brown emoji. Do you know this? What? What?

Because she's half Cuban. Right. But she's also like, she's brown. She's like brown. She's naturally olive skin. Right. So her emoji she would use for stuff and on like Instagram was like a browner girl and like people came after her. Really? And they were like, you can't use brown emojis. Wow. I'm going to start. Just because you said that. You should. I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom's Peruvian. How dark are you going to go? My mom gets very, very dark.

you know. But how dark emoji are you going to go? The blackest one. Of course. Yeah, naturally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll be like, here I am. And it'll just be a black guy. Yeah. And you're like, oh, my mom's a quarter Peruvian. You didn't know? Yeah. Just see how people react. Like, well, that's how I feel today. What if I identify as darker? Yeah, 100%. I can do that. It feels like it's in line with what people do now. It's in the eye of the beholder. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So no Bluetooth. No. Uh,

Anything else that's along those lines? I do a lot of stuff, but I would have had to think. But again, you know what the problem is? It's not weird to me. They say the Bluetooth thing is weird. I would never put that as a weird thing. Is this weird? Guys, I got this really cute matching red set. Doesn't it look so good on me? Red is like the best color ever. Yeah. You know what she is? She's a piss influencer.

Oh, but is she one of these people who tells you why it's good or she just does it? She just does it. Oh, okay, cool. She goes by PP Girl or Danny. She makes vlogs, but she's always peeing in them.

This is why you can't trust anybody. You can buy videos of her taking a golden shower. You just can't because you'd meet her and be like, wow, she seems really... Yeah, she's really pretty. Oh, my God. She's cool. And that's another thing. That's probably the weird part about me too. I spend over 90% of my time in just pure isolation. Yeah. Yeah, just gambling. You guys might be a cool match. Me and her? Power pisser. That's what she goes by. Her page is just this, right?

It's just pissing? Yeah, I think so. Here, let's pull it up. You just can't trust her. Look at the smile while she's peeing. I can't. I can't. 20,000 followers. Yeah, I mean, there's people that like piss. I thought there'd be more, to be honest. Three Stanley Cups is equivalent to drinking a gallon a day. Isn't it so pretty? And also, you know, I have to give her credit on something here. That's a real deal Jersey gal right there.

And look at people are like, I love you, currently handling the morning wood with this one. I mean, what a great comment. That's a real DL Jersey gal right there. I want to give you credit for the skill it takes to capture what's going on without

capturing the nether regions that you're not allowed to post. I mean, that takes practice, you know? Because you're not seeing her box. You're just seeing the beautiful nectar that is shot out of it. And she's behind a truck, you could see. Yeah. Which is cool. How do you feel about Pee?

How do I feel about pee? I mean, I'm not a fan. No? I don't care about it either way. In what way? I mean, are you aroused by it? No. Have you ever had someone pee on you? No. Piss in your mouth? No. No. You ever pee on a girl? No. Okay. I'm not. It's not my, yeah. I don't know. I mean, obviously there's 20,000 people that are like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. No, I'm not one of those guys. Okay.

What do you think about it? How do you feel about pee? I'm kind of indifferent. I don't go, oh my God, pee's the grossest thing, but I'm not. Maybe if I lived in Russia and I was really cold, I could find something kind of comforting about it. But we live in fucking Austin. Piss is disgusting. Piss smell is pretty bad. 110 degrees here. Imagine somebody trying to turn you on with piss.

It's so gross. Like when you walk into a gas station bathroom and it's like they could have cleaned it. It's so bad. It's so bad. Yeah. It's pretty intense. Okay. My happiest find in the last few months, probably this year actually, is who I'm going to show you right now. He goes by Fancy Chef. 570-604-3868. 702-742-1784.

516-713-9493. Book me. He's got multiple phone numbers. Mansions, castles, yachts, penthouses. Only. Only. Only. So he's out for hire. He just does, like he said, high-end only and nothing.

He has one, two, three, four, five stars that he's given himself on his jacket there, on the collar, and on the breast pocket. Does it say international chef? That's always cool. International chef. On the other side, it says things like master chef, pastry chef. He's kind of giving himself some valor on the neck. You see the five stars on the neck? Five stars on the neck. Wow. Beautiful and nice by the chef. I'm going to carve this neck here.

Beautiful, beautiful. Look at the hat. Beautiful and nice. Look how nice. Look how tantalizing. Look, I want you to book me. I want you to book me now. You've never seen this before. Never been done. I got lamb chop. I got strawberry. I got honey. I got honey ranch. I got beautiful stuff in there. Nice. I got gold. How nice. I cooked that lamb to perfection. Lamb, strawberries, and honey in a wine glass. Yeah. It's like you've never seen some shit like this before.

In the 90s, this guy would be a hip-hop artist in New York. With those glasses in the previous one, I thought he was going to be like... I thought he was going to be spitting some shit. Yeah, no, he's just...

showing you what he does here i think that's the back of the hat that he has in the front right i believe you're correct yes beautiful delicious that's so delicious so i want you to dial my number don't you dial it now five seven zero six zero four three eight six eight look how nice the catanelizer down my number now beautiful and nice by this shot oh wow there's someone else there

There's other people there. I saw a person's hand. I thought he was alone for sure. Yeah, but I mean, you do well. Would you hire him? I mean, he wouldn't work in my apartment. I live in a fucking one bedroom. Oh, yeah. He does only mansions and castles. Gross. Yeah, we got to have him at your place. I can look at these burgers, and I can also touch them. The firmer they are, the firmer they are.

The more they're done. I can look at them all so I can tell. The structure on them, they're done. Alright? I can tell without even using my thermometer. Big burgers. $1,000 a piece. $1,000 a piece. Put some caviar on them. Raise them to a million dollars. Those burgers.

Wow. To be honest with you, you know he is incredible because I don't even think I could get food to look like that. Oh, no, you couldn't. How do you do that? It takes skill. I mean, also, that pan has not been cleaned maybe ever. So is this guy on Instagram? Where is he? Oh, yeah. Does he have more followers than the piss girl? What's my favorite meal? He's gonna. You know what I tell him? Peanut butter and jelly. And guess what? I put bananas on it, too.

Yep. Those are two big chefs. I put bananas on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You got to slice them thinner for the sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly with bananas. That's way too big. You know when a cartoon character, their glasses cover their hat, and you're like, nobody would ever do that. I like it. I like it. Beautiful. Beautiful and nice. Book me now. Book me now. I want you to book the chef. You got an event, holidays. Book me now. You want my peanut butter and jelly? I'll make it for you. Thanks.

I really like this guy. It's amazing. Yeah. You know what, too? I think he... I would like to go see who he follows on Instagram. Well... Because I feel like he follows... Like top tier chefs? No. I don't think he follows any chefs. I think he follows people who like...

You know those kind of people who tell, like, if you say someone's name and, like, tell them what to do, like, you'll get them to, because he just, he's like, you're going to book me. Oh, right. You know, like that kind of vibe. He's following Cooking Style, Personal Chef Cal, Cakes by Tamara, Amy's Little Cakes. Wow. He must not watch them. SpongeBob. He follows SpongeBob SquarePants. He does follow Chef Richard Ingram. Yeah. A lot of kitchen stuff. Pizzerias. Another chef there.

Yeah, he's like, we are one. We're one unit. I bet all the chefs he follows are just hot chicks that he likes to watch. Because there's no way he's following a single direction. No, he said he's been in the kitchen for 40 years. Right, yeah. So he doesn't need... His comments are awesome. He's got more followers than the piss girl. He does. Yeah. Yeah, people write...

That shit got garnishing and it ain't even cooked. You've outdone yourself, chef. Chef, you left the stickers on the pepper.

He puts cilantro on fish. That's crazy. And it's not even cooked. That's crazy. It's fucking crazy. What's that one? That's a store-bought cake. He does that a lot. He puts fruit on store-bought cake. Oh, wow. He's like, check this out. I just made this. Wow, thank you, chef. Just take the strawberries right out of the container. No need to wash them. Don't worry about the explosive diarrhea. Chef, you did it again. Chef, you did it again.

Bro bought the shit out of the market. Yeah. He loves strawberries. He puts them on everything. Yeah. I really like. He's got the playfulness of a child, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Like kids do this. Like they can't stop, you know? Yeah. And they go, I just want to do it again. That's what kids do. They go, I want to do it again. Right. You put all the strawberries on there. Oh, wow. A rose. Beautiful. Beautiful and nice.

Beautiful and nice. That's actually not terrible compared to what I would do if someone told me to decorate a cake. He's just taking the flowers that somebody probably put in that vase. I love how he feels zero pressure to narrate what he's doing. He's like, you're just watching a master do his thing. Right. Yeah. This is like watching those Japanese guys make the sushi and they don't say a word. Brilliant. Beautiful and nice. That's...

You've got to have him on here. We've tried. No. We've called all the numbers. All the different flowers, too. You would think you would go for some type of cohesion. If you just tell him you'll hire him and then you'll pay him to be on here, I mean, there's no way this guy wouldn't come on. I don't know. Have him cook for everybody? I would be very excited. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Oh.

Now, like, doesn't Bert has that guy come and, like, smoke stuff? Yeah, Dave Blasey. This could be your version of that. This guy could follow you on the road. You have him on the bus with you. Someone's encouraging him. No, they're not. You done? What about you? Are you done? Wow. Jesus. Go to one of his, well, one of his one where he's telling you what to do. Let's see here.

Yep, there's a lot of, he likes putting fruit and cups. I'm going to add this ranch over this ranch. I got this Cardi B whips. Just watch, watch, watch. Ranch? I got this Cardi B whips. How nice and beautiful. How nice and beautiful and tender. The comments is Jeff glitched out. How beautiful and nice. Ooh, how nice and beautiful. And the phone's always ringing. Now I know why. It's always ringing.

It's always ringing, dude. That's you trying to get him. Yeah, that's me. Like, chef, answer, please. I love this guy. Yeah, it's... Big fan. A lot of stuff in wine glasses. A lot. And then here he is, like, telling you what's up. Like, sometimes he's just like... Let's extravagant. Okay, let me help some of you people out. 40 years plus I got in the kitchen. 40. No one gave me this jacket. I earned everything.

I earned it all and more. I've been in the kitchen since four years old. You see that? See that number? Four years old. I've been in the kitchen 40 years plus. Hours. Decades. Months. 16 hours. 14 hours. Eight hours. 12 hours in the kitchen. I worked every station you can imagine. Okay? So when you a chef and you in the kitchen, you got to know what you're doing.

And I know what I'm doing with 40 years. 40, 40, 40 years. All right? 40 years. Got it. You hear it? It's ringing. Yeah. And I'm proud of it. Answer your phone. Everyone's trying to book you. And a lot of you chefs, you know what I'm talking about. Y'all don't make Southern food. I can't. Name me a chef. 40 years of strawberries. You know, that can make soul food.

You can't make it, and you know it. Okay, we're good. So don't talk to me about being a chef.

I've been in it my entire life. Okay, we're good. You know what I think is going on here? I think he has a voice in his head or like a little guy on his shoulder who's like, you're not a real chef. And then he has to go on the rants of like, I am a real chef. Because people seem to be really nice in his comments and encouraging him, but he's challenging. He's coming out on every post being like, I am a real chef. You can make a jacket if you want to. You can just order that jacket for sure. Yeah. We should order a similar jacket.

Yeah. Yeah. But you should put six stars on yours. Six stars. And list every type of chef you can be. Yeah. All types of chefs. You should say 22 hours. 22 hours a day in the kitchen. I've been in here 41 years.

Ranch. Yeah. He's putting ranch on strawberry. Look how sexy, look how beautiful, look how nice. The chef presents to you his pink, red rose petal dessert, fresh fruit with a splash of champagne. Look at beauty, look at greatness, look at love. BAM! 570-604-3868. Get at me, I'm for hire. Don't be shy. BAM! I think you gotta sweet talk this guy a little more and get him here. I don't think you're doing it. I know, we gotta try more. Yeah. We have to try more. He's got a...

He can cater the show. I know. But he also, do you have the unbooked one? Is that here? I have Netflix execs call this guy. He does full catering. It's unbelievable. Because he's always putting out these messages. Like, book me, book me, book me, book me. You know? Yeah. And then we actually have a video where someone calls him to book him. But it doesn't go so well. So...

I don't know if it would actually be possible to get him here. You think he's a little paranoid or something? Yes. You think he's had a lot of... I think his Bluetooth is off too, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I think his might be on. That's the problem. 24-7? This is what happens. Yeah, 22 hours with the Bluetooth. Because I see he has the headphones in all the time. See? Okay, Atlanta, Georgia. Start that. Yeah.

Yeah. OK, where are you located? OK, I'm all booked up. I can't. OK, where are you located? OK, I'm all booked up. I mean, that's that's what you want, though. He really believes that's the front of the hat.

He does. Yeah, that's got to be the back. I'm no chef. Sorry, chef, if I'm wrong, but that's got to be the back of the hat. Yeah, people want me is what he posted. That's his caption. With the glasses and the stars, he does have some sort of military flair. He does have, there's a confidence that comes from him, you could tell. That's why I'm saying he reminds me of a hip-hop artist in the 90s. When he talks, you're listening, you know?

That's amazing. Where are you located? I'm all booked up. Constantly asking people to call him only to say I'm all booked up is diabolical. That's that comment. That's fucking crazy, dude. So we got the email. I have some fortunate news for you and the YMH family.

My wife and I were on a trip to Ireland for the FSU versus Georgia Tech football game. Of course, we had to stop at O'Connor's Pub in Killarney to see our buddy Sham. Unfortunately, we were told by the pub bartenders he has passed away. My deepest consolations to you and your YMH family, it was a heavy disappointment to travel out of our way and have my wife bitch at me the whole ride to find out he has passed away as well. Anyway, see you in May. Keep your jeans high and tight.

and your hot sauce. Jake and Emily from Atlanta GA. What do you think makes him a great talent? Yeah, lots of tourists around. It's great, isn't it? Loved him. He was awesome. All-time favorite.

And what's your favorite thing about Killarney? We should put subtitles on to see what the subtitles think he's saying. Unbelievable. Poor guy. Can you believe that guy's not alive anymore? Jesus Christ. Didn't see that one coming. What's the pint of Guinness like here, Sham? Good. Good.

So you recommend Killarney anyway, best town in Ireland? Best town in Ireland. Yeah. True story. And what age are you now, Sham? 71, go on. 71, go on. 71.

Wow. I think that's when this was filmed. So he must have, he'd be probably 80 or something. It was time to let him in the heaven. They're like, should he get in there? Like, we don't know. We don't know. We don't know anything he's said in the last 30 years. I'm God and I don't know. Yeah. Can someone tell me what this guy's been saying? It's incredible. So, well, long live the sham, the Kalani guy and rest in peace, sir. We were, we were big, big fans.

You've been living in Austin now for how long? I think two years. Two years. Have you made some good friends? I'm not a make friends guy. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Which is why we are going to pay for it. We want to send you

I was at a dinner for eight great men last night here in Austin, Texas. These were entrepreneurs, coaches, creators, and high-level performers. My intention of bringing together this group was to create a space where men could connect on a deep level. I requested that no one bring alcohol to ensure that conversations were genuine and sincere. The prompt of the night was, what's the hardest lesson you've had to learn and what's the story behind it? We all took turns sharing our stories with the group followed by time for follow-up or reflection questions. We even got to celebrate a 29th birthday.

All in all, the night couldn't have gone better. You truly are the average of the people you spend the most time with, and these men inspire me to be and do better.

How'd you like to go to that? Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dogs. I saw dogs and I would have loved it, but yeah, I'm allergic. Well, guess what? They're having another one and we can request that the dog not be there. No, dogs are part of the, you know, you're an average of the people you spend the most time with. Dogs have to be part of the retreat. You are allergic to dogs? Yeah, yeah. Half, half. I'm allergic to...

Short-haired dogs only. Long-haired dogs, no. Hypoallergenic. Those dogs, I think I would have been allergic to. Seriously? Yeah. Oh, damn. That's too bad. Yeah. No, I could not. Oh, my God. This is just... I know. I got to say, the food got me a little. That's nice. And no alcohol. I'm a big no alcohol guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah, but I can't. I can't. I don't like to hang with anybody. These guys make me blow my brains out. Oh, yeah. I couldn't. Not for one second. They'd be like, what's the hardest? I'd be like, shut the fuck up. I couldn't go to one.

either no no way no way they'd be like what's the longest what's the hardest lesson you learned and and how'd you overcome it like well when i came here and i'm gonna walk out now yeah yeah this is fucking terrible opening up to strangers like that and then like and then you know when they're leaving they're like i just made best friends for life and i'm like i don't know i don't like it's all exchange information oh i got really good at this too by the way

I've been having so much fun with this is when people are like, hey, can I get your number? I just give them a random phone number. You should give them Chef's number. I do it all. 5142. That's a good idea. Yeah, memorize Chef's number. Yeah, I just make up numbers. Yeah, that's good. And then they're like, all right, I sent you a text. I'm like, all right, I left it in the car. I'll go check in a minute. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and emails too. I make up emails.

I just completely make up emails and I give them to people. You know Joe Gatto, the guy from Impractical Jokers? He came on our show. Really, he's such a nice guy. We went to dinner and he's such a nice guy. And he goes, yeah, for like, I don't know how long he said, whatever, 10, 15 years. Anytime he saw somebody like, sign up for this, sign up for this, he would sign up using Sal, the other guys. That's the best. His home address, his phone number, like everything. Yeah.

And it would like, Sal would get new numbers, like try and change things. And it would just be like his mailbox anywhere he'd go would be full in a day. And he never knew what was going on. And he never knew what was going on for years and years and years. That's hilarious. I did that to Sickler a few times. I signed him up for a mailing list for comedians I knew he didn't like. Oh, yeah. Like we would make fun of people and then he'd be like, yeah, I get this fucking mailing list for this ass. I'm like, how's that happening? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was fun. That was a lot of fun. That's great. That's very funny of those guys, too, to do that. So how do you think these guys, oh, because they're on social media, so they find, like, we're hosting a guy's, because I'm like, as a guy who's not on social media, I wouldn't even know how to find, like, a guy's dinner in Austin. I have no idea. You just Google, like, man dinner? Yeah, I mean, we also, this one was, where is this here? This was a different, this was for women. Oh. Oh.

Why did they try to kill him? Wow. Yeah. This is outside of a Bert Kreischer show? You gotta find the man one where he's like pushing... Where he's like, push me and he pushes him all the way and screams and cries. That one is fucking fantastic. Yeah, but there's these camps that people sign up for that release your anger or...

I mean, also, the qualifications to host this, I believe, are none. Right? You just go like, oh, I'm the person. Like, you could host one. You could be like...

It's actually less than none because if they were qualified to be hosting other stuff, they would be. You know what I mean? And they're doing this. They're like, no, you come in. I organize yells. Meet me in the woods. Yeah, I organize shouts. No, this is, yeah, I don't even know. Did you sign up and give your deposit yet? Okay, well, yeah. But listen, it is one thing to do this. If someone's like, I'm so angry, I got to get it out. But then there's a camera in their face and they're doing it, which makes it-

real crazy I don't because you don't want this footage out there did you imagine if you were on a walk in the woods and heard this yeah terrifying that's that would scare the shit out of me you just heard 50 women screaming out of nowhere so horrible absolutely horrible let's see here

this is also oh you have it oh yes dude is this the one this was the trailer for the one in austin that we were looking at let's see there you go

Okay. Yeah, that's not the actual one I was looking for, but it's, you know, this is the... The one I was looking for is this guy has him push him like down like a gravel road and he just...

keeps screaming he's like as he like pushes him down and then he breaks down crying kind of it actually seems really nice if you just took every dude out of there like yeah like the show on the fire and the ice bath and you're like this seems really nice but then you have all these guys are crying yeah look at this the pause you know it's a guy i think half of the pauses on this video would have been a guy crying or screaming why do you i don't know what what's the appeal

I guess this is a lot of like what these guys need, right? A lot of them just like hug me with my shirt off.

Hug me. I don't get my emotions out repressed a lot. But then how do they know they need this? That's the thing. If you're in touch with that enough to know you need this, I don't know. I think people just want to hang. I think you have to feel kind of stuck to sign up for something. Imagine these are just all guys with bad breath. Because it's like why do you need to hang with people so bad? They just all have bad breath. I know. Well, here's the thing. I don't think any of them are fun.

That's the thing. It's like, nobody here has a good time. No, no. It's a bummer camp. So if you want to be bummed out, come fucking share your bummer shit here. And I'm not a good time either, but I'm not going to make you hold me while I scream. You know what I mean? You wouldn't want to know? No. No.

It's just the worst. It's horrible. Yeah. No, I'd want to die. And then like, and then like edit, like imagine sitting in a room having to edit this video, like putting guys crying to mute, like just the whole thing. And the worst part is like you mentioned earlier, if you did do this, let's say you're like, yeah, I went to this thing. You know, I don't really want it. I don't really want it out there. Like whatever.

and then you have like the the real making the rounds you're like god damn it no everybody knows i'm a pussy but you know they see this trailer and they're like that's when you release the inner the inner child and oh my god these are also the guys that are like hold my cock and then you know just not in a gay way but just we can admire each other and be like okay where's this going exactly yeah

Alright guys, we're going to fat test Harry Potter's Forbidden Journey now here at Hogwarts. Watch your hands real quick.

So you're not going to agree with that? Unfortunately, that's another no here in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. You know what this guy does, right? This is all he does. But it's under the guise of I'm doing this for other people. Awareness? I'm fat testing things so other fatties can see whether or not they can go. But that's really...

First of all, that's not really what you're doing because nobody can watch this and go, I know your exact dimension, so I know whether it applies to me. It's just like you could basically go, I guess you could look at him and go, well, I'm way fatter than him, so now I know I can't go. But it doesn't really provide that service. And it makes it seem like he's staying fat for you to test rides as opposed to, you know, you could just...

Do this once, go, God damn it, I'm too fat to ride rides. Now I'm going to do something about that. You know? Yeah. They should have somebody at these parks with like a confetti gun for when like somebody like this does fit, you know? And they just like, they just set off the confetti. It's like, yeah. Guess what? We got one on. Yeah. You're not too fat today. Yeah. It's absurd. Just fucking...

They're fucking plus-size park hoppers, you know? Have you ever been seated at a restaurant and found that you couldn't fit comfortably in the seat or booth? Hey, everyone. We're plus-size park hoppers, and we range in sizes from 2X to 5X. Like this video and follow us for more plus-size Disney content. We're starting a new dining series called If I Fit, I Sit. In this series, we'll go to different restaurants on Disney property and beyond, showing you the types of seating they offer, whether or not we find it comfortable, and we'll also review the food. What are you going to do?

We could just sit here and make fun of fat people.

Is that what you want me to do? I'll do it. Sure. It's disgusting. What are you going to... Stop it. You know? This is what... People shit on RFK, but this is what RFK is coming to fucking switch, baby. What's he going to do? No more fatties. Just eliminate them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Genocide? No more. Trump has taken out the immigrants and he's taking out... RFK's taking out the fatties. Does he talk about the fatties? Oh my God. His number one thing is like... We're fat. Like the poison in our food and this. And he talks about...

And again, I'm sure people will fact check this and be like, you're wrong. You're not saying it right. But he says basically like a pediatrician, a kid doctor or whatever, used to see one case of diabetes in his whole career. And now he sees like three a day. Yeah. And he talks about all this stuff and he's like, it's just, it's all the food. Like he's like, this isn't happening in Europe. We can't figure out what we're doing wrong. He's not going to do shit because he's not going to win anything. But he's joining with Trump now. Well, yeah. I like, I saw his... Make America healthy again.

That's his stance, for real. Trump, who's like, I'm 215, and you're like, mm. Yeah, he's eating McDonald's on the plane, calling RFK to come help him out with the food. Come on, guys know guys wait. You're like, you're not fucking 215, dude. Yeah. RFK was like, I want you to, he's like, I support Trump. But then he goes, if you, but if you see my name on a ballot, I want you to vote for me. I'm like, huh?

what are you doing because i guess he's he's cut he's taking himself off the ballot in like 10 states that are swing states yeah and then staying on in the all blue or red states it sounds like a very self-serving games yeah yeah fucking asshole it's kids games prick you know you don't vote right we don't want to get called for jury duty yeah no that voting no voting anybody yeah they'll call me for jury duty i did that once it was the worst worst time ever i was addicted to percocets like how do i smuggle percocets into jury duty

What'd you do? I just took a shot, just put it in my pocket. What are you going to do? Yeah. And I just sat there in the back with my head down all day. They're like, does anybody have a problem with them? I'm like, I have a problem with everything, anything they bring up. You just raised your hand? Yeah. Do you have a history of this? Yeah, my grandfather. Just anything they, so that they wouldn't put me on the thing. And you got out of it? Yeah, after a while. I think I had to come back like the second day and I was just like head down. Man, I went one time to the pool

right like the pool the pool of potential jurors right right that's where i was yeah and then this was in la and i was like mother fucker and i was right behind adam mckay that's what i remember adam mckay was literally we entered the together like he was in front of me and we're sitting there and then i get through all the questions and i'm like yeah yeah no i'm i'm racist like i tried and then they're like that's not gonna work and i was like oh

And then they're like, everyone here is. And they, they led with it. They're like, don't try to be racist. We don't care. And we were like, um, and then they were like, all right, you don't have it today. And I was like, what does that mean? They're like, well, you got to call tomorrow and tomorrow if we need you, you got to come in. So like every morning you'd have to call at a certain time and,

Anyways, I didn't have to serve. And then Sickler ended up actually getting on the jury for like a major violent drug case. Like cartel shit. Gang shit. Gang shit. Yeah, like murder drug trafficking case. Wow. Yeah, so he had like a real serious case. But yeah, I got...

I got lucky. I didn't have to do it. The first time I ever got it, I called my manager. I was like, you got to get me a job. I was like, I can't do this because I was really addicted to it. I couldn't even go fucking 24 hours. I was like, I can't be in this room. The second time I got it, I was like, I can't work again. I just need you to get me in. I did get a summons later and I just put it in the trash. We probably all have warrants out for our arrests. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Because when you live in those L.A.,

apartment complexes that they have the mailboxes. You look in the trash, there's a lot of summons in there. Everybody's just like, everyone's like, this is a big city. Throw it in the trash. It's either fucking red light cameras or jury duty or yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Check this out. Look at Nadav here. Oh, he likes alcohol.

He is fucking wrecked. Your boy's trash. You think that's just alcohol? No.

I don't know. I think that's something else. He's savvy enough, though. They're like, give me your card to buy the stuff you want. He's like, go get it. Yeah. He knows not to hand it over. Because with alcohol, when he hits a wall, you think he would stop for him, but he like bounces off and keeps going. Yeah, trying to keep his balance. Might be a little something extra. You think so? Yeah. That's New York, yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What was your favorite thing? Was it Perks? Was that your favorite? I mean, there was a lot of favorites, but yeah, Perks was probably. I mean, I loved Molly. I just loved her.

Really? I love Molly so much. It's just so good. But yeah, perks are just the best because there's such an isolation. I would take perks, smoke weed, and then take Xanax or... And again, no one do this, whatever. It has to keep me safe. I would take perks, Xanax, and switch it. I had an alarm on my phone that would go off, and it was like, oh, now you can take...

Because I didn't want to take it within the same hour. And then I also had a phone number in my phone that said cigarette. And when I would smoke a cigarette, I would call that number so that I wouldn't chain smoke cigarettes. I'd be like, you have to wait at least...

this many minutes before you could smoke another cigarette. So you're still on top of your health even when you were doing this stuff. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. The other one, I would just chain smoke cigarettes all day and I was like, no, we have to put some sort of... You'd call a number? So like I had like a fake number in my phone, cigarettes, and then when I would light a cigarette, I'd call that number. So then when I'd go to light a cigarette again, I would look and be like, oh, it's only been six minutes since I had a cigarette. Like you need to wait at least 20 minutes. And then Perk and Zanny, I would wait an hour in between each thing. How long were you in your worst phase of addiction?

It depends because there was like the different phases. So some people some people would probably say like my like cocaine partying like that thing was so bad because I would stay up for days in this. But then like the the Xanax Xanax Percocet thing was really bad because I was so isolated. I would just be I would say two weeks straight in my apartment like and then my friends would call me like, yo, where have you been? I was like, I saw you guys like three days ago and like it's been two weeks.

Wow. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. Like, I'll come and like... And then I would just go out and party. And I'd wake up feeling like shit. And I'd start taking Percocet and Xanax. And then I would last another however. But again, like, from, you know...

14 to whatever it was, 24, 25. It was just drinking, going out. That was like the thing. That's a lot. Yeah. And then after like 25, I was more leaning into like, I was always doing the perks and whatever, but I really started leaning into just like staying home, sitting on the couch, taking pills and just like staring at the wall or like playing poker online or doing whatever. Wow. It's cool. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did you get yourself cleaned up or?

So I saw like a specialist in New York to get off of the Xanax because you could die from Xanax withdrawals. Yeah. So I didn't want to die. And like I had in my head of like, oh, I could die if I stopped taking this or whatever. But everything else I pretty much did on my own. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's impressive, man. But it was just like my doctor was basically like, you're not going to make it like healthy much longer if you don't. Like he's like, it's insane that you're OK. And he's like, you're not going to make it much longer if you don't stop soon. And that's when I was 20. I was 28.

I was like, all right. Jesus, man. Yeah, I should probably stop. But now you're clean and sober. 11 years. Wow. Yeah, of a lot. But again, it's weird because like, you know, I stopped drinking 11 years ago and stopped doing, you know, like party drugs. But then it took me a while to get off of the Xanax and a little while to get off of Percocet. So like it's like 11 years for most stuff. And then, you know, whatever it is, nine for Xanax. And I don't know. I don't really I'm just like in my head. I'm just like, I don't need to count. I'm sober. Yeah, you know, of course. I'm fucking done.

Yeah, Xanax, man. People don't know. Addictive. And even with the, I know people that are like, I've never tried one. I'm like, it's just like turns shit off, I feel like, you know? Like this worrying, you're just like, oh. Yeah, we were, so back when I had Xanax in my pocket all the time, we were online for a roller coaster at Six Flags. And we had just gotten there. We were like all amped and my one friend was like,

he's like man i haven't done roller coasters while i'm starting to feel a little like whatever and he's like let me get a xan and i may or may not have given him a xanax maybe but like he was like you know he took the xan by the time we got to the front of the line he was like we're sitting in the front yeah that's what xanax do they just shut off but again no one should do xanax to describe so i would rather wake up tomorrow addicted to everything i was ever addicted to 10 times than xanax one time really yeah because that's the hardest one to break

Yeah, because it's so mental. When you're coming off of Percocets, you're sick. And you're like, oh, I've been sick. But sometimes you just get sick and you're like, I know I can get through this. Where the Xanax, it's mental. And it's so fucking bad. And you feel like... I've described this before. So imagine your biggest fear was heights. Imagine you were...

They opened up like the door of like a plane to jump out and they're like, are you ready? Like you feel like that. That's what you feel like. All the time. And then you take a little piece of Xanax, it just goes away. It goes away. It's insane. And so you do wean off of it. Is that the way to do it? Yeah. You have to slowly reduce. Yeah. And it just gets, it really got scary for me when, for some reason, like I couldn't kick the one like before bed because I was like, I'm going to die in my sleep. Wow.

That was my fear. Even though at that time I was on... So that was the last one you cut? That was the last one, yeah. Because they run you through a thing of like... Because they're like, when do you take Xanax? And you're like, well, sometimes I just take it whenever I feel. And they're like, no, you need to get on a schedule of this and regulating all this shit. And yeah, it's not... Xanax is by far the worst. I would rather be addicted to everything else. I had heard... I forget who said it. It was somebody in medicine was saying that

It has like the same addictive properties as like cocaine, like people who are addicted to cocaine. That's the same kind of level of addiction that exists with Xanax. Really? Yeah. But very, very addictive. See, I think it's like, it's weird because like with the Percocets and the cocaine and stuff, you're, there's this high with it where like the Xanax, I wasn't even taking it for a high. Like I was taking it to not feel like I was standing at the edge of a building all the time. Yeah. So it was like,

I'm not even enjoying, like, this isn't fun, you know? And you're just like, I need the, I got fucking Xanax is the worst, man. And like kicking it, I remember just like,

it was the greatest day ever where you're like, Oh my God. And then like a while after I was like, Oh, I'll only let myself take it when I fly. Cause I hated flying so much. And then I took it, um, to fly and it made me feel like shit for days after. So I was like, all right, I'm just done. Like I've never taken one again. I don't know, seven, eight, nine years, whatever it's been probably like nine years. Oh, congrats dude. That is. Yeah. Yeah. That's impressive. Yeah. Yeah. Cause people try and like, say like, you know, you should be proud of this. I'm like, I did it to myself. I'm a fucking idiot. Like,

Like I got myself so deep in this hole. So many people can't kick it though. Totally. Yeah. And I, you know, a lot of my friends passed away from like,

drug addiction and stuff and I think like you know a lot of people are like you think it's because of Sopranos that you were addicted to drugs and this I'm like I think Sopranos is the thing that helped me like come out the other side because I was like you know I had a lot of friends who were you grew up in the fucking building I grew up in they still live with their mom and this and they were like well let's say I try everything and I finally kick these drugs I'm still a guy who's living with his mom and I'm fucking 28 and this where for me it was like

I have this great life I can live and do things and there's doors open for me. So it's like, if I could just stop this, like things can be good, you know, not that, you know.

things couldn't be good for other people, but it was just, it was something that really, a lot of people just try and be like, oh, you had a child actor and you were hope. Yeah. And I, you know, but now I just sit on my couch and gamble. Yeah. So it's not that different than what you were doing at all. Yeah. One could argue that maybe bring the drugs back. Yeah. My dad argues that all the time. Does he? Yeah. Whenever we're out, we went to like a UT game and he's like, you sure you don't want to drink every time we pass this. Oh yeah. Any, these guys have met my dad. Any, any loves my dad. Yeah. Yeah.

My dad is, my dad's kind of, every time we pass like a beer thing, he's like, come on. Like, you're not going to have one with me? And I was like, no, it's been 11 years. But he doesn't respect your sobriety? In his head, I'm sure he does. Yeah. Yeah. But no, he doesn't respect any. I got to meet your dad, who I know I look like. Yeah, you do look like my dad. Yeah. Well, he's gained some weight recently, so you look less like him now. Great. Yeah. He's, you know.

I would love to meet him. But when I wake up early, like I had to today, it makes me more sympathetic to why he's such an angry guy. Yeah. You know, because he's waking up at 430 a.m. every day for like his whole life to go to work. You know? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I can't. And I'm like, OK, I get I get I get why you're angry, dude. Oh, my God. Well, here we are. Let's we got an email. I want to read you. It says, Hi, Gene. Long time mommy here. Been with the pod since episode eighty five.

I'm listening to YMH 772 and had to write in regarding the hooker with the colostomy bag because I used to know one. I grew up in D.C. in the 90s, which was a very high-low experience. In my early teens, I used to sneak out almost every night to graffiti stuff, and doing so led to various meets with a real cast of characters on the streets. One of these local celebrities was a hooker with a colostomy bag who we affectionately refer to as the colostitute.

I forget her real name, but she was very sweet and really funny. I don't know if the bag was a real moneymaker, but a lot of people gave her tips just to keep going. Now, part of that high-low factor was that I got a good education. Senior year of high school, I beat out all the smart kids to win an extremely coveted fellowship

the Folger Shakespeare Library. Very posh. One night on a field trip to see a private showing of King Lear in the Shakespeare Theater, the whole class is outside in our jackets and ties waiting for our parents to pick us up. And who's on the corner in a green bikini, bag of shit flopping around? The Colossitude. She clocks me and starts waving, "Hey, sugar, I ain't seen you in a minute."

I sheepishly waved back and said, miss you, boo, or something to that effect. Stunned silence and jaws on the floor from my classmates until everyone got picked up. Nobody ever brought it up the rest of the year. Love you guys. See you on the Hunter's Block. Pain. Sponge.

Pretty good story. Yeah, I mean, hoes with colostomy bags, they need to work too, you know? Where's the colostomy bag kept? Like on the side? Yeah. Like a gun holster? There's a hole where they kind of cut your intestines and that bag goes there so when you shit, you fill up the bag that's sitting on the side of you, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. If I could have one superpower, it might be to never have to shit again. Really? Yeah. You and any both. Yeah.

I just hate it so much. I'm more... I hate the wiping, but if you're going to take out the wiping, you might as well just take out the shitting altogether. Yeah. Yeah. Shitting is terrible. It does suck. I hate it so much because I can't do it in public. So I have to get it done before... Are you on a schedule? Yeah, every morning. Every morning. But I also don't drink coffee, so it's like if I have to... Like for something like this, I didn't shit, so you just... But you know you got to go back to your place. Oh, 100%. So if somebody... Something...

I don't know, that you really wanted to do was happening next year, you'd still be like, I still have to go back to my place? Well, that's what's great about me. There's never anything I really want to do. That is great about you. Yeah. Yeah. So you could, you know, unless somebody's like, you want to go gamble in the middle of, I mean, what is somebody going to say? Yeah. There's really nothing that could keep me from going home. Yeah. You know, as far as like tantalizing, like I'm just like, no, I'll go home. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Did you follow Fartgate? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know what a psychopath Annie was? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fully aware. I know Annie's crazy. But so we had to go to New York for the 25th anniversary of Sopranos.

And I'm in where I think we're at the Beacon Theater. And it's like full of people and you're walking around and some guy stops me and he's like, bro, he's like, I love the podcast. He's like, you got to talk to anymore. He was like, that is one interesting cat. That's exactly what he said to me. But when he said interesting cat, he gave me like the crazy eyes of like, that is one interesting cat. And I was like, oh, and this is before Farky. Well, listen, I've been working with him for a number of years.

and I'm not here every day but when you talk to anybody else on the staff they go real interesting cat that any guy yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah. Like he's got some interesting thoughts and opinions on things. Yeah. Uh-huh. And then sometimes you say, hey, you had that interesting thought and opinion. He goes, no, I didn't. Yeah. You go, oh. Yeah. Okay. Well, I thought you said you did and you said that. And he's like, no, I didn't. Okay. Yeah. He's full fucking. Maybe one time I said that. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Crazy person. Yeah. Yeah. That's our boy. Yeah. But I love him. He's great. He's a great guy. Yeah. And he's great.

How do black people misbehave? They do crime. They beat up everybody. They do traffic violations. They are lazy just collecting money from the government. Don't take care of their children. They have good singing well and playing sport well. What makes them

lazy. In Africa, you don't have to do much. This is not lazy, and I'm lazy. Right. Okay, so this is lazy skin. Yes. You know I'm a white woman. No, you're not black. You have the lips of black people, everything black. Oh, what's black about me? What's the, my lips are black? How about my eyes and my forehead? And this, I have white woman hair. Look. My head is such hair. It's difficult to get control of it. She many times wear a wig.

He's racist?

She labeled me. My dad's white. Okay, so he's half white. What do you think about that? Still, it look black. The hair and color. You need a couple more generations. To take out the blackness? To take it out, right? Yes, if you want. You need Jesus, my guy. Jesus was Jewish. Jesus was Jewish.

You learn so much. So cool. You know what my favorite part was when she said, look at my ass? He hit reverse real quick on the chair. He just reversed in his chair a little bit. He's like, all right. He's Israeli. That's an Israeli accent. Yeah. But very straightforward. Didn't hold back much. No. Yeah. Pretty interesting that he feels like sharing that in public. Not everybody would. It's a crackhead Barney and friends up top. What did it say on his shirt?

Did you see what it said? How do people make the A? They do crime. Oh, it's a college. College of Performing Arts. Yeah. It'd be funny if this was a movie. And a bank hat, like a free bank hat. If this was a show that you wrote, he would be driving home and all of a sudden the battery runs out and all these black people just start coming out. Yeah, this guy, man. He only is, like, nobody...

20 years younger than him would be would do this interview this way only an old guy who's like a paraplegic is like fuck it yeah and then and then the guys next to him are like yeah nah he can do that yeah they look at him like he's in a chair fuck yeah he's in a chair oh man and finally i gotta hurry up because the bus is coming thank you down to give you more dude all right thank you you got the other one yeah you're gonna give me 40 yeah

It's a pretty cool arrangement. Yeah. I mean, I don't know why more people aren't doing this. All this guy had to do was walk up, hand this guy his shoe. He smells and licks it, and he just keeps giving him cash. And then he's like, you want the other shoe? Give me another 20. He's like, I got you, dude. I got you, bro. Yeah.

And that's the thing. Like sometimes on this show and you guys talk about stuff, you'll be like, there's no way that I remember like there was a what like I think any started it were like being being by his cap. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, you don't think there's guys who like to fuck men and women. But this guy we know is out there. Yeah. Like there's guys who want to lick your shoe before you get on the bus on the bus. Get the fuck out there. You walk outdoors in the city with there is everything out there. Now, would you not do this?

Do which one? Would you let the guy lick your shoes for $40? Oh, would I let him lick my shoe? Yeah. It depends how nasty he looks. This guy right here. It depends how the guy looks? Yeah, I ain't trying to dirty up my shoe, you know what I'm saying? Oh. Yeah, fuck it. For what? How much, though? He said $40? Yeah. You would need more. $20 a shoe? Yeah, no, it's got to be more, though. How much? I like $100. Okay. I'll do like $100. Niana, you would do this, you said. Yeah. Oh, what would be awesome is you get him here to lick any shoes. Done. Done.

Bro. 100 a pop? Yeah, 100 each. Josh, would you? Yeah. I mean, well, first, hold on. I mean, the first one's 100, and then we'll talk about the next one. Oh, shit. So he's like, damn, that was a good shoe. You're like, that's what I thought. Let's give you a little taste. That's right. Yeah. He's like, ooh, let me get the other one. I'm like, yeah, how much you got in your pocket, baby? Yeah. What you got in there? How deep those go? Cougar, would you? Absolutely. Yeah. How much does somebody have to pay you, really, to go on that man's retreat?

On the man's retreat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If somebody's like, oh, it's a three-day retreat. Like, you have to stay for the, you have to participate, like, fully in everything. How much would you charge? What, to send me there? To go, yeah. For three days? You know when you're, like, let's say your agent called you and you know how he's like, hey, you want to do the fucking Tomahawk Casino in Poughkeepsie, whatever the fuck? Yeah. If he's like, hey, I got a man's retreat.

They need you there. No. But how, really? Like if there's a... An upsetting amount of money. Right. Well, I know you don't want to upset people listening to this pod. I want to know the number, how much you'd really charge for the weekend. It's just that it's, yeah, it's a week. It's like, it's one thing to go to something for a few hours or something, but like you're talking about giving somebody three days. If they offered you $200,000. No. That's amazing. Yeah, no. Sorry.

Wow. 800,000. Probably not. He wants to hear the Millie. He's going for the Millie. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. I mean, also, I have a free weekend now. 800,000. You got to do it for 800,000.

Three days? Yeah. Well, you get there Friday and you guys are hugging and you're really into it. Can I leave after that? Can I be like, all right, that's it. Now you guys, I'll see you. I'll come back on Sunday to see how it went for you. No, they're like, you'll hear the gong at 5 a.m. when you have to come down for, we're doing underwear meditation class. 1.6. 1.6. Yeah.

1.6. Well, guys, you heard it here. If you guys are looking for Tom to come to your retreat, your man's retreat. And by the way, I won't be fun and I'm not going to participate. See, I think that's part of it. Yeah. I think you have to cry and scream. Yeah. 2.5. Tell him how much you hate your wife. 2.5.

All the details, you have to raise the fucking budget now. Right. 2.5. 2.5, man. Now you are upsetting me as a listener. Good. I hope so. And I hope nobody fucking reaches out about this. 2.5 is too much. It's too much. I know. I want it to be an absurd amount that everybody goes, well, that's fucking stupid. Exactly. And I don't want to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to go. So just to be clear, we didn't cover this in the beginning. Have you ever gambled on sports? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, recently? Not, well, let's see. Last season, a little bit. I did a sports book in Vegas and I did one of the, I did DraftKings thing. Because I remember telling you that you should gamble on sports and you were like, I don't really. I know, I know. You started to, how'd you like it? I liked it a little bit. The problem is that like a lot, this is honestly the truth. I work so many times, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and even with my love of football, I don't

I will forget because we're traveling so much. Right. I will lose track of like games I want to see. It'll be like Sunday, Monday. And I'm like, Oh Jesus Christ. Like I forget about the weekend. Yeah. You know what I mean? Things that happen when you're home, you, you kind of go like, Oh, it's coming up. I'm going to watch the games. But when you're on the road with it, you lose track of time and days so easily. Right. That I, I miss them a lot. There's games that I was like,

That was the game I wanted to watch this week. I forget that it was on. You're a big Florida State guy, right? Yeah, it's fucking rough. Have you ever bet on them? Yes. How'd you like that? One time I did the biggest asshole thing ever. They were playing... This is years ago. Somebody could probably look this up. They were playing Carolina at Chapel Hill. And the spread was like...

And my friend's dad was the coach of Caroline and I'm with him. And I go, I'm going to take the Knowles. He's like, you're a fucking cunt, you know? And I bet on it. They had covered the spread. And in the literal final three seconds of the game,

Carolina kicked a field goal to negate. You got backdoored. Yeah, and I was like, but that also made me go, man, how do they nail these spreads? And also a spread like that is absurd, like 33 points. How do you get it down to that and where that field goal made it 32? I was like, this is insane.

That's scary, but it was exciting because I was like, I'm going to win this money. I got really excited. But see, the reason I love... People are like, oh, you love to gamble. I'm like, yeah, you can look at it that way. But the truth is, I don't want to play roulette. I don't want to play blackjack. I don't want to play these things. I don't... It's like with the sports betting, it's like how when you watch these... Don't fuck with cats, where they try and put all these pieces together of this murder. It's like when you're watching these murder things and you're like, I think I know who did it. That's how I feel when I'm like...

studying like sports betting and you're like wait hold on like I think I got something here and then you like put your money where your mouth is and you watch it and then it happens and you're like oh my god I need to how do these motherfuckers who set these spreads do this I don't understand how they get it how do they nail it so perfectly well

they do and they're very good at it but also there's a ton of games where sometimes you're like it was off by 20 you just don't remember that stuff but they give every team like a power ranking or a power rating and then they just you know they you're power ranking to get this guy and they go okay you should win by 7 like you're 7 and then like let's say a player gets hurt and he's worth a point they're like okay now it's 6

And a quarterback is worth six points or whatever, but then a backup could be worth two. It's this whole fucking boring thing. When you think you see something, it's in the matrix of a sports bet, and then you make it, and then it happens, it's just the best. I'm sure. It's just the best feeling. It's a rush. And also you go, I don't know, that guy's knee is sore. I don't think he's going to have the... You get those injury reports and all that, and you start to factor in when a star is not going to perform well.

as well as you think, or you think that

somebody's having a breakout, you're like, I think this kid's going to have a big game. And that guy does. Yeah. There's like hundreds of thousands of people who just hate Patrick Mahomes because they've lost so much money betting against him. Yeah. That's just so funny to me. Like, you know, there's people who, Jamie's husband hates Mahomes. Just because of that? Every time he walks in the field, he's like, this fucking, because you just, you bet against him, you lose. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny too. There's so many people who hate him just for no, for no reason except for they just lost money. They lost money. That's fucking.

Amazing. Well, don't forget to check out Not Today, Pal every Thursday on the YMH YouTube channel. You can also listen to it wherever you get podcasts. Thank you for getting up today and thank you for coming in and being here. Thank you for having me. We love you. All the time. Thank you for having me all the time. Always. Bye, guys. One thing I'm going to say right now is that these press comments need to stop immediately. I am tired of seeing my comments be off every new track. So I suggest you not go off

me wearing dresses and having them in my wardrobe because I don't know what I have. I only have one dress I keep up because it's my wife's wedding dress. That is it. Enough is enough because my whole entire wardrobe is fucked. Work shirts and military shirts. Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry,

Military districts, military districts.