High On Stage w/ Dan Soder | Your Mom's House Ep. 725
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This week on YMH. Like if he just had some male prostitute, this would not be an issue today. Yeah, exactly. Just deal with hookers, dude. Everybody knows. My own damn frat. I do what the fuck I want, Leno. Your chin's fucking annoying me. That was awesome. That was awesome. That was awesome. That guy completely deserved it. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot, Shopify helps you do your thing however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer.

Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. She's Christina P. I'm Tom Segways. And very excited to be here. I had a great time in Las Vegas.

Now, where did you make your performances? I did it at the Chelsea Theater at the Cosmopolitan. I did three shows there. Oh, my God. They were very, very, very fun. I had a great time doing A New Hour. Wow. I haven't done that. Yeah, it sounds like you're talking about some really cool stuff.

I got to hear about some stuff you were saying about me. It's pretty neat. I always talk about all this exciting stuff in my life, and you're right up there. Yeah, I have to say it was really cool when I was in London, and it's the first time I watched you run your entire hour. The last one, yeah. The last one, the one you just released on Netflix. And I was sitting in the audience with a bunch of lads behind me, and every time you said something horrendous about me, they'd like pat me on the back, go, oh! I'm like, thank you. I was talking about you! Yeah!

Thanks, Mike. Yeah. So that's cool. I can't wait to hear what horrendous stuff you'll be saying about me. It's not as bad as what I say about Charo. She was like, can I? She's like, you don't want me to come see your show? I go, absolutely not. And she was like, not at all. I go, maybe in a year when you're closer to dying. Just send her a handbag before the show. You heard the conversation yesterday. She's R-worded. She's completely...

She's on a whole new level of R-word. And like the older she gets, just more tarted. You know what I mean? I had to yell at her to make a point. Yeah. If you just talk to her, she's like, how dare you? And then once I was like really animated laugh, she goes, okay. Harsh. Okay. Yeah. Then she's like, no, you're right. Okay. Okay. And then she goes, gosh, you really got, it's like, yeah, you have to do that with you. She's gaslighting you. Yeah. Nothing else registers. Talking at a normal level.

doesn't work for you. Same with my family. When I hear you argue with your mom, it makes me thrilled that my mom's dead. Every time. I'm like, thank God my mom's fucking dead. Because she would do the same shit to me. Although, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did yesterday or what was it, the day before when she texted me. Oh my God. Read it. It's funny as shit. It fucking made me laugh so hard. So I forbid her for coming to like...

my shows, you know, and she's always trying to come to shows and she just drains the whole squad. Like everyone, everyone's like, oh, don't tell me your mom's here. Right. I'm like, she's an emotional vampire. Like Colin Robinson from what we do in the show. A thousand percent, a thousand percent. The worst. Absolutely. You should. And you know, when people first meet your mom, they're like, yeah, she's great. She's so funny. And then a couple, she came on a couple of weekends last tour and people were like,

Everyone needs a nap after they talk to her. And they're biting their tongue because it's me, it's my, and they're like, she gone? You know?

And then when I go, yeah, she left this morning, they're like, can't you just feel? Don't you feel lighter? Yeah. Sucks the air out of the room. I'm like, I try to tell you guys. God, she's a brick. So she texts me, good morning to you and your family. So formal. Remember how we agree that you will be happy to replace? So I told her she couldn't come to Vegas, but I would send her elsewhere. So she's like, you would replace the Vegas trip for a Fort Lauderdale trip? Well, I have great news.

Jane and I are able to go if that's okay. I will send you my player's card picture and all this stuff. If you send me your happy blessings, I love you, Tums. I am still your mother. And then it says, dot, dot, dot. Sorry, I am still around. Yeah. I'm sorry that I'm alive. It's funny because it's true. Yeah, of course. Well, both of us, we're all bummed out. Yeah. So I laughed so hard and I was like, yeah, sure. Send me the information. Sorry, I'm alive.

Oh, fuck. She's other level. I mean, she's coming to visit and I've already planned out an itinerary for her. Like the secret to mother-in-law visit is like no idle time. Idle hands are the devil's playground with that one. And you guys know, like we love having her on the podcast. Do you know that even that is an exchange for her? Like there's no such thing of her just being like, you're my son. I love you. Yeah. Like my dad would always just be like,

I go, I'm going to call you or I just surprise him with a call or I want you to do this. Okay. Yeah. And the idea is like, well, he's like, well, you're my son. So you're asking me to do something. I'll just do it. My mom's like, what's in it for me? I mean, I told her, I was like, we know we're going to, we want a podcast when you come to visit. And she was like, hold on, hold on. And what am I getting for this? Like,

It's always, there's gotta be. Tit for tat. Yeah. There's always an exchange. Not just like, you're my son. Sure. I'm your mom? Yeah. No. Yeah. It was a real kiss. Did you marry your mom? Yeah. Never. Oh my God. Yeah. She's unreal. She is fucking just draining. Like I'm already, do you really, she's coming to visit us in like three weeks and I'm already bracing for the drainage. Yeah, of course. Like, I don't know how to fortify that. Well, I'll be gone, you know, every day. Excuse me? I'm going to leave it with you. Don't you? Yeah.

It's your fucking problem. Here's what we're planning on doing. Okay, so Sunday's church day. You know she loves the Lord. She's going to go to Israel and flick her bean to JC. But let's send her... Like, we'll do like...

Church day. She's up. She's going to church. I'm not taking her. We'll find someone to take her. Maybe Jane. And then like, Hey, let's go tour other churches in the Austin area or like Dallas, Houston. I know. And then she's like, it seems like you're trying to get rid of me. You give her some cash or you go, here you go. And then she's like, Oh, okay. Yeah.

Because the thing is, the truth is, I almost puked, is that I do like her to be around our sons. Yeah. Because I think it's good for both of them. Like she gets love, they get love, that generational whatever that I never got, obviously. But I hear it's good for you. Yeah, yeah. When you have grandparents that dote on you and stuff. Yeah, it's good. It's kind of cool. Yeah. So I want to give that to them, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, may I plug my Vegas? October 7th, I'll be doing the Venetian Summit Showroom. And also, I've added a show in Denver, seven shows in Denver. The seventh show will be at the South Club, so get those tickets right now, right now. And I added a day. I'm coming in on Wednesday. Anyway, I'm just plugging. You ready? I'm ready. Here we go. The limo driver that I was looking for someone to enjoy the night with. The introduction was made through the limo driver. And what happened?

We had a few drinks. I had made some comments about wanting coke. So we got in a limo and left and we started drinking. I started snorting. He started smoking. I actually put my hand on his knee and started to rub up his thigh. And I performed oral sex on Barack Obama. Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsi. Barack Obama is gay. Smoke Smith does blow with gay guys in cars. Cooks up that cocaine. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsi.

Tommy, I have a question. I performed oral sex on Barack Obama. Did he, he said he warmed up the cocaine like to make it crack or did I miss? I think you missed that. Yeah. Yeah. That's so cool though. You know that guy ain't shit. That guy ain't shit. That's so weird. Let me tell you something. This fucking guy, this guy is a real piece of work. He is, what's his name? Larry.

Larry something. Larry Sinclair. Larry, little kiss and tell Larry is what we should call him. Oh, kiss and tell? Yeah, what's wrong with you, man? Keep that shit quiet. You can't just blow a guy and be quiet about it? Yeah, Obama's cool. Let him fucking live. The following day, I actually get a knock on my hotel room door in Gurney, Illinois, only to find Barack Obama standing in front of it. He had actually come back for seconds. Please. Please.

Comfort. There was.

who produced those he actually brought those with him now obama at that time was a state senator i actually had no idea who he was and then when did you find out that it was barack obama watching the 2004 dnc convention thank you very much everybody he's like hey i blew that guy and it hit me and i'm so cute at the time i was just kind of floored

I mean, first of all, Obama's way better looking than this guy. It's so upsetting. I feel like it's such an insult to, I think Obama should come out and be like, hey, look, a bunch of guys have blown me, but this fucking pig is out of his mind. Yeah, he's gross. That he thinks I would lower myself to let him blow me. By the way, out of comfort in, like, come on.

Obama's better than that. I don't buy this. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Based on looks alone. Good afternoon. And look. My name is Montgomery Blair Sibley. That's him at the time on the right sitting down. Oh, please. I have this press conference. I perform fellatio. He let fucking Nadav blow him? Yeah. Like...

It's insane. Look at him. It's crazy. It's a doppelganger. During the time Senator Obama was smoking crack cocaine. After the press conference, you are arrested by the D.C. Police Department upon the orders of Beau Biden, Attorney General for Delaware. So this is Joe Biden's son, Beau Biden.

Yes. Apparently he had a grand jury indictment from two weeks after I went public on Obama accusing me of theft that never took place. Shortly before you made these public allegations about Obama, you were contacted, you say, by a man named Donald Young. Donald Young was the choir director in Jeremiah Wright's church in Chicago. This is the church Obama attended. Exactly. And what did Donald Young tell you? That he too had intimate relations with Barack Obama and had for years.

and that I needed to protect myself, that they were going to come after me. What happened to him? He was shot point blank in his apartment in Chicago. The murder was never solved? No, it wasn't. There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. I mean, come on, dude. This guy. So Larry Sinclair, just so you have the full picture,

He's not cute. So that press conference was in 08. Yeah. He lives in Coco. He has a long history of lying and of criminal fraud. He failed a polygraph when talking about his tryst with Obama. And then he published the book called

Barack Obama and Larry Sinclair, cocaine, sex, lies, and murder? He ran for mayor of Cocoa Beach and lost. Wow. Good for him. Gay man said he had sex with Obama in office. I mean, it's a wild thing. I feel like it's very insulting to Obama. I feel like just, I mean, not politically. I'm saying just like, you know when somebody approaches you

And they're just way less attractive. Yeah. It's upsetting. I remember like when I would get hit on when I was a single man and it was like if it was like a really unattractive woman, I would be like, do you realize how fucking offensive this is right now? It really is. It really is.

like you're pitching yourself to me that I'm going to lower myself eight tiers. Like it's fucking like, no, you're no, you're your value. You know? No, exactly. And also this is another reason why you should just deal with hookers. Like if he just had some male prostitute, yeah, this would not be an issue today. Yeah. Just deal with hookers. Everybody knows.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just hire a hooker. You dumb shit. Yeah. He's not. Obama's the best. He's fine. He's so sorry. I was motherfucking got nothing on me, right? This interview that you got these clips from. This is amazing. Yeah. Pretty great. Yeah. Pretty great. Wow. There you go. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

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Can I tell you something embarrassing? Sure. I realized not only do I not know the difference between a cheetah and a leopard, still don't know. Yeah. I don't know the difference between Labor Day and Memorial Day. And I don't know when they occur. This is very interesting. The only reason I've known when Labor Day is, and this is why I kind of know a little bit about the difference. Labor Day oftentimes kicks off the college football season. So I always know that that's in September. Yeah.

Memorial Day, I've heard many times, is in May. So I'm going with September for Labor Day. Memorial Day is in May. Okay.

I know you don't wear white after Labor Day. Is that the whole thing? I guess that's the rule. Right. Is it because you get your period and it'll show through in your pants? In the fall. Everyone gets their period in the fall. Right. Or you get diarrhea in the fall because you're eating all those rich foods. And you're getting chili for the first time. You haven't had chili in months. Right. And now you're eating chili every day and you have diarrhea. Everybody knows. Labor Day, I've heard, is to celebrate the labor force and the labor workers that have contributed to this country's...

Like how, like Chinese people building railroads. I mean, it's like, thanks laborers. The, uh, it's not like anybody on labor day is like, let's take a moment and really think about the contributions of the labor force. Yeah. Cause you just get hammered and go out on the lake. It's just like a Monday's off. And you're like, I think there's going to be a great game on tonight. That's what happens on labor day. You're like, there's going to be a good game tonight. And then Memorial day, that's a little bit more significant because that's to honor those who have fallen, uh,

So it's Memorial Day, the veterans who have died. And then Veterans Day. So then what does Veterans Day do? Veterans Day is like all who have served. Memorial Day is those who have died. You know... This is what I'm guessing. Am I correct? They really need to release a memo to explain this stuff. You should explain it to our children. To dummies like me, yeah. Yeah. Federal Holiday Labor Day celebrates the month... Yeah, see? September, the American labor movement and the works and contributions...

Of laborers to the development and achievements of the United States. I mean, it's a nice gesture, but who really gives a, who actually fucking. Well, and what are we doing to those? Are we sending them checks? Memorial day is federal holiday honoring the U S military personnel who have died while serving. We should send labor day people like every labor should just get a six pack in the mail. That's a nice thought. Yeah. That's you know what I mean? Thanks a lot. Joe Biden. Yeah. Veterans day, federal holiday observed.

Yeah, honoring military veterans. That's annually on November. See, I didn't know that was November. I don't know when that shit is. Yo, you could have asked me, like, when's Veterans Day? And I'd be like, no clue. February 14th. I have no clue when that is. That's in November. I didn't know that was in November. I have no clue. And that's so close to Thanksgiving. Yeah. And that's why they're like, don't wear your white after Veterans Day. Yeah, because then you have diarrhea on all your nice Thanksgiving clothes.

This is an excellent point. I also want to point out that Jimmy Buffett died. Oh, I know. And it was, you know, I guess. Margaritaville, our favorite place to go and have drinks and party. And I would have never, like, I wouldn't have even commented on it, except for the fact that my buddy, Bert Kreischer, he posted this photo of him meeting Jimmy Buffett. But then his caption, like, really floored me.

It says, I can't tell you how much this man meant to me. Oh, my God. It was an absolute privilege to know him. I've modeled so much of my life and career by the impression he and his music made on me growing up in Florida. I was like,

What? Salt, salt, salt. Are you drunk? I mean, yes. Jesus Christ. Pour yourself a margarita, put on songs you know by heart, and toast an absolute legend. Rip Jimmy Buffett. I mean, the thing that I took from that was when he goes, I modeled my life and career after this guy's shitty music. Right. It's just songs about getting ripped. Salt, salt, salt. Like, that's what you modeled after? I mean, I couldn't even help myself. I just wrote Jesus Christ, really, on his...

What the fuck is going on with this guy? I really can't think of a worse... I can't think of worse people to model your life. Than drunks? Yeah, what if you're like, you know, Def Leppard? I don't even know. I know. It's just so stupid. This is the worst person to model your existence after. I mean, it's like you're modeling yourself literally after the parrot heads.

Those are like beach walkers that are just like, I gave up on civilization. I just want to be drunk. Yeah. They're just losers. Like it's basically a place you go. It's the last place you should go in a great location. For instance, if you're in like Cancun or something, it's where idiots go. Margaritaville, right? Oh my God. I mean, it's the last place. It's like going to Chili's or something. I don't know. Right. It's like,

I just can't imagine. It's like if you go like, oh, Cheech and Chong died. I've modeled my life and career after the fact that they smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? I mean, unless we're missing something, did Jimmy Buffett have a philosophy of life that I'm unaware of? Keep drinking? Yeah. Have you woken up? You should drink more.

You know what's crazy is we found, by the way, one of the things that I think Burt modeled his life and career after. So there's a song that he actually had kind of removed from his discography. Scrubbed, if you will. Scrubbed in many ways. It's called Please Take Your Drunken 15-Year-Old Girlfriend Home. This is real. Cool. And so here's how it goes. Yeah.

The chorus. Please take your girlfriend home. She's only 15. She shouldn't be back here alone. I'm horny and my mind begins to roam. So please take your drunken 15-year-old girlfriend home. Jesus. Verse one. She found mama's Quaalude script. Took a few just right before the show. She's no beer drinker. She used the bathroom 15 times. I know. Her overtures were rather crude. Her boyfriend, he was more than rude to me. I'm 28 and I don't date. I still know classy women who like me.

Jesus. Verse 2. Verse 3.

Something with which I could not agree when she said she dug the harmonica player a whole lot more than she dug me. So please take your girlfriend home. She's only 15. She shouldn't be back here alone. Oh, take her to go read The Rolling Stone and please take your 15-year-old girlfriend home. Wonderful song. Incredible lyrics. I've modeled my life and career after this man.

What a fucking dipshit. What a dipshit. Oh, God. You know, but this idea of being of age and consent, this is new. You forget that Elvis Presley was banging Priscilla Presley, who was probably 15. Jerry Lee Lewis was fucking his 13-year-old cousin who he married. I mean, this is nothing new. The thing is, you really have to be a high achiever.

To do that. To get that young a pussy? Well, and for people to go like, yeah. Because that's what happens. For sure. Elvis is like, I'm fucking a 15-year-old. Everyone's like, well, he's very successful. He's like, guys. You have to really entertain the shit out of people to get that kind of racket going. Yeah, the pass. Where they go, well, yeah. I mean, look what he's done. But you know what's funny? Or not funny, but what's true is that in Europe, the age of consent is 16, I believe. And in some parts of Europe, I think in Italy, it might even be 15. Well, the Italians have a different age.

And you say cockroaches of Europe. You have to see the pussy flower that grows like this when they are teens. Oh, 14 years old is the age of kids. Italy.

Yeah. 14. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I remember my dad one time, it was so gross. He was like, I mean, what's the big deal? I think 15 years old, you should know. Well, that's why though, is that he grew up around like, right. So you come to the States and they're like, Hey, 18, you're like, hold the fuck on 18. Am I fucking an old lady?

She'd be pumping out kids at 14. Speaking of consent, you know what happened in Spain? What? So the winners of the Women's World Cup was Spain. And I believe what happened here is that the coach, in his excitement of winning, grabbed a women's player and kissed her. On the mouth? Yeah. Mouth kisses? It sent like...

All of Spain. So what? Maybe, is he cute? Yeah, he's hot. He can kiss her. That's it. So what? That's like a, not a tongue. That's the thing right there. And they're foreigners. Foreigners do that shit. Oh, she's not straight anyway. It's fine. She's like upset about it. She is? Yeah, yeah. He's cute though. I wouldn't mind kissing him.

I think it all, here's the thing, when people are outraged, the whole thing is like who you do it to. Of course. Right? And if you're hot. Well, it is. But don't you think your hotness should negate, like Elvis was hot. Yeah, sure. This guy's good looking. He should be able to kiss her on the lips. Well, the thing is, she's like, takes it as a full violation, right? Like, isn't her position that like.

I was kissed against my will. Well, it's humiliating. It's technically true. And then they've come down on him like the head of the... So Jorge Vilda has been sacked from his role as head coach of the Spanish women's soccer team. Made the ongoing fault over the unwanted kiss that soccer chief, okay, Luis Rubiales gave a player at the Women's World Cup. So the coach is the guy, is not the one who did it, right? Right.

Yeah, that guy's the coach. And he's gone now. Just because he signed off on it or whatever? Well, he's not going to rat out his boss and be like... Well, Rubiales has apologized for his actions, described the kiss as mutual, and claimed that the woman, Hermoso, denied, saying she was not respected. He was handed a 90-day suspension. I mean, I had actually heard this news and hadn't seen that footage before.

And I understand that kissing somebody against their will, but you feel like you win the world cup and like emotions are heightened. You're rational. I don't know. And also, I feel like, but I feel like even women are going to have different opinions on this. Look, it is the heat of the moment. They're both adults. Um,

First of all, and also in male sports and foosball, you guys are always slapping each other's asses and dick slaps and all that, right? Yeah. Hitting each other's cocks, scissoring each other in the locker room. This is so... I don't know. To me, I don't think it's... And she's smiling. She doesn't look creeped out when it happens. She just won the World Cup. Yeah, she's pumped. She's stoked. But also, I mean, I could see...

almost anybody doing that in that moment. Yeah. He's like, you did great. And it wasn't like a prolonged, it was like, yeah, I look, I think it's an excited, innocent. He doesn't tongue her. He doesn't hold her head there. Yeah. He's just pumped. I don't know. I look then again, you know,

Sometimes women have been assaulted or something in the past and it's, you don't know what her history is. If this happened to me, I'd be like, it's a big nothing burger. I'd be like, Oh my God, the fucking guy just kissed. Did you guys see that? I wouldn't think two things of it either. Sure. And he's, you know, he's got a lot of money and he's a handsome. I'd be like, Hey, maybe I can score the president of the football team. You know what I mean? Or whatever. Football club. What do you call this shit?

Maybe I'll fucking hook up with this guy. You know what I mean? And also, yeah. Anyway, I'm way more a bit of a pig when it comes to this stuff. I have to say that I probably would have just kissed each one. Each of the... Every player. Yeah. I'd be like, we won the World Cup. You too. And on their tits? Yeah, of course. Show me your tits. 140 tits. You're so sweaty. I like it. I like that you stink.

Yeah, I mean, it was a public display. He's not really, I don't know. And they're a fucking Spaniards. Aren't they more heated? They're supposed to be. They're like, hey, passion, love, romance, whatever. You didn't respect me when you came. I mean, it's a kiss in the moment, isn't it? What are we, Americans now? And then this furthers that whole gay fucking thing that people are like, you should ask someone, can I give you a kiss? No, you shouldn't.

Remember when we were asking consent for our babies and we had to change their diapers? That took five whole minutes every time. Blink once for yes. Is it okay if I change your poopy diaper? And the baby would go, yeah.

Yeah, it's too far. It's an overcorrection. I mean, again, maybe she's been assaulted. I don't fucking know, dude. Anyway, we stand with you, coach. Yeah. Frigid bitch, right? You won the World Cup. Fucking chill the fuck out a little bit. No. Show a little excitement. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.

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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

And we are very excited to welcome to the podcast for the first time, Mr. Dan Soder, everybody. Let him hear it. Thank you, guys. I want to make sure that we tell people they can see you on tour. DanSoder.com for tickets. And the new podcast, The Regs, with Luis Gomez, Robert Kelly, Joe List. You can listen to Gas Digital. Yeah, Gas Digital, YouTube, Luis J. Gomez, too. Excuse me, Luis J. Gomez. Don't try to fight me if I don't correct you. And Dan Soder.

Pretty soon there'll be a new Soder podcast. Yeah, starting one up. Starting me and a guest. You and a guest. Soon. Soon, okay. It has to happen because that's comedy. Yeah, yeah, you got to have the video. You got to be able to download it. And it's just got to be you talking shit with somebody. Yeah, and if you don't, like I wonder if you get fired from comedy, they're like, turn in your podcast. Turn it in. Like your badge and your gun. It sounds like it. It almost feels like you have to have one. It's almost like saying you don't have a website or something.

It feels that way. It feels as dumb as when I was one of the last people to go to texts. When texts came out on cell phones, I was like, call me. Why wouldn't you just text me? And then my roommate, it was my buddy, was like...

you're the dumbest person i've ever met you have to have text messaging and i turned it on all these texts came through and i was like oh so everyone's doing this and they're like years 2019 this is honestly later than you think it is i think it was like oh six really oh five or oh six where he was it was a girl that i was like trying to pursue and yeah i was like i haven't heard from her my buddy was like you don't have text messaging turned on and i was like wow yeah but who's texting you

I said it like, this is going to take off. Were you still doing the Attell version and doing AAA? Does he still do that? Oh, yeah. When I saw him last, he was like, text me.

I sent him a text and then I saw him open the flip phone. How do you even find one? And do like, you know, three taps to get to the right letter. And you're like, whoa. Soon you're going to have to walk a giant staircase on a mountain to see a tell. He's just going to be in like one of those. I feel like he's going to be a monk where you're going to be like, to see David, you must pass these tests. That's cool. I love that he still rips cigarettes. God, I miss cigarettes. Do you? For 17 years. And I loved it.

Every day. And I love the way it smells. I love watching other people smoke. I think it's a great habit. It keeps you thin. You're meditating. You're breathing in fire. It's good for you. That's the thing. Why are we acting like... But here's the thing. I think you look cool if you are cool.

Because when you see some animal smoking, like standing waiting for the bus and he's like... I miss them the most. That's what I miss the most. When I see someone close to killing themselves with that cigarette, it's the only thing that holds them. That's what I miss. But when the person is like, you know, he's wearing, he's like morbidly obese. He's got slides on, right? Like he's got a torn shirt. You're like, this guy looks like shit. And you're like, oh, he looks worse.

But when someone sexy is smoking, you're like, oh. It's the Florida smoker that's gross. Like when it's hot out and the guy's a dirt bag. Dude, hot cigarettes. Or in the car. You see them in the car. Now, now. I will say car cigarettes are what I miss possibly the most. The most, really? Oh, my God. Just criticizing someone's driving while a cigarette bounces in your mouth and you try to light it. You go, fucking merge. And then you're like, fuck.

I love it. I miss it so much about hot cigarettes and cigarettes when you're in a hurry. When you're like walking fast somewhere. Those are the two worst. But cold weather, cold. Raining and you have like outside, but you're under some awning or something. We're really romancing this drug right now. I love it. So good. My fiance and I, we have an agreement. We're staying in what we call the blast radius. Mm-hmm.

anywhere where a nuke can get dropped and that wave hits, that's, so New York. We're staying in New York for that reason. Because if there ever is threat of nuclear fallout, cigarette time. First time. For sure. Like downstairs to the birthday guy. For sure.

How long have you been, you know? 10 years I haven't smoked. 10 years. But I still smoke weed. And I think it's half because I like getting high, half because I really miss cigarettes. Yeah. And they have these cigarettes in Colorado when weed went legal called, what are they called? They sell them at Green Solutions. They're called incognitos. Oh. They look like cigarettes, cigarette paper, cigarette butts filled with weed. Oh. And I'll tell you what.

I got one of those and I had a rental car and I was driving around my old neighborhood that I grew up in, smoking it, feeling like I was smoking a cigarette. And I had to pull over because when it hit me, I was like, this isn't a cigarette. I smoked the whole thing and I was like, oh, crap.

I was just parked by one of my old friends' houses, just sweating in the winter, you know, like where you're like, oh, dude, just don't freak out. Don't freak the fuck out. It happened to me once there. And then once I was like, I was like, oh, I'll do it again. And I only smoked half and I smoked half and I got too high to go inside the Chick-fil-A. Yeah. Oh, I hate when that happens. Or I just sat in the car and I was like, just go into it. That's the worst.

Too hard to talk to people. It's what's kept me from more weed in the last, I would say, even actually the last 20 years. Like, when I moved to L.A., I was ripping bongs every day and every night. And feeling no anxiety? I mean, I would get hot. Yeah, no anxiety. And then all of a sudden...

You know, I started to get into more like day job stuff. And so it just started to taper down because that was out of college. Sure. So, you know, it's like reducing, reducing. Then, you know, it's weekends. So the weekdays stopped smoking. So my tolerance like just went away after. Because then I just stopped. And then when I tried to go back, someone was like, yeah, I had such fucking –

devastating panic and paranoia. Really? Like, was it the first time? Do you remember the time it happened? Do you remember the incident? I mean, I remember a few. I remember a few times where it had been a minute, and I remember...

I mean, I remember doing it. I never really understood people doing it before stand-up. And I don't drink before stand-up. I don't do anything. You never did? You never drank or anything? Did you ever drink or anything before? I tried it. I remember when I was featuring for you. The one time I featured for you. Yeah, I've tried it. Maybe? I don't know. Anyway, I did an Indianapolis when I was a brand new feature act. And I was like, never again. Because you can't gauge how you're doing. Oh, man.

Oh, man. I don't like it at all. I don't like it because it makes me... I don't like the fact that if something doesn't work, in my mind, I'm like, yeah, it's because you're not quick right now. You spiral. Yeah, you start slipping. I don't like it. I only recently stopped getting high before I go on stage. Oh, wow. I started, I mean, for the first however many years, I would want to say nine years of...

eight or nine years of doing stand-up, I would do a shot and a beer before every set. And then I would have beers. I did, I blacked out a couple times on late shows. Seriously? Oh, I thought you meant like television late show spots. No, no. Is that a bit awesome? I'm just like, suck my dick, you ginger. I do what the fuck I want, Leno. Your chin's fucking annoying me. No, it was, I remember it was at Laffs in Kirkland, Washington. And,

And it was like light, you know, just very light. And so the first show was fun, but I was like, oh, keep drinking. And then I had a friend come out that I hadn't seen in years and we were like doing shots. And then I don't remember the late show. And did you, did you hear how it went though? They were like, this is the worst part. They were like, it was unbelievable. And so then you're like,

I found the secret sauce. Oh no. And that's why they warn you not to do that. Yes. Because they go, if you go, oh, this is what it helps. Yeah. There were times doing the bonfire where Jay and I would get high. We'd smoke a joint before the show. And it's like, you know,

Sirius XM, very corporate, but we'd just be out front ripping joints the entire time. Sometimes Jay would bring joints that were too strong, and he can handle his shit. He's a big boy. He can get real high. Dude, we would go on air, and I'd just be like...

That's a word. I hate that. I hate that feeling. I mean, you're making me anxious right now. I'm sorry. No, just hearing about it. Because there was moments. I think you can listen back to some episodes where we're talking. And at one point I go, I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Because I was just like in my head like, what the fuck? Panic. The Columbus Funny Bone. Yeah. It was one of the hardest I've ever bombed. Yeah. And they're on top of you. They're on top of you. That's a phenomenal room. And I went there in 2008.

Yeah. With Rogan. He was going to do, he was, he shot a special the next day. Okay. So he was like, I want to do the club because it's like an off day. Sure. The night before I tape. Great. So fly in town. I'm with him and Ari. I don't know if somebody else is on the show. I can't remember. But anyway, we're in the parking lot.

And he's like, hit it. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't do that. And he's like, come on. You know, just like, don't be a bitch. Yeah. That'll get me every time. Yeah, of course. You're like, I'm not a bitch. So I just take a deep pull, right? And I'm not smoking a lot at the time. And it's his weed, which is always crazy. It's not even weed at that point. No, it's always. It's a different drug. Yeah. It's always some crazy. Is this meth? What is this, right? Yeah. And I remember just being like, right away being like, oh.

Right. Like, oh, God. And then I go like, like, who's who's what's the order? What are we going to do? And he's like, how about you go first? And then I'm like, OK. So I walk out first. I run into Stroop, who at the time, you know, everyone's like Don Juan. They go, you got to like show up in front of him. And people that don't know out of context, Dave Stroop.

was lived in Columbus and if you went to the funny bone and did well there when you were coming up yeah your calendar could get set yeah yeah like I want you to open for this person this person this person and there you go kind of like that's how you start yeah he was already giving me work but it was like second hand you know I mean like my agent or something this is the first time he's gonna see in the flesh in person so I need him

You're giving me back that anxiety. We're doing anxiety tennis right now. And I'm like, hey, man. And then he's like, oh, you know, heard some good things. I'm like, cool. So I go out there and out of the gate, not like a snot. It builds this out of the gate just so flat. Like I make an off-the-cuff comment that doesn't land. And then I go into my act. I mean, there's no dressing this up. I just bomb.

Because when you're high, you're so locked in. Yeah. You're so locked into what you know that you're like, some people can fuck around. Yeah. Like I've seen Jay get high before. Sure. Like a Rory Scovel. I've seen Scovel smoke a whole joint before a TV tape. Do LSD before. That's wild. And you're like, how do you even earn mushrooms? Rory disappeared on the John Oliver show and came back. What?

Reeking like weed and had one of the best sets I've ever seen in my life. One of the best sets I've ever seen. He can do that, though. I can't do that. When I got past at the Cellar, I may be there for like three months at the time, and I'm still drinking, but I'm like very worried about doing well at that club. I was like hyper-focused. I'm like, I gotta do great. It was the weekend, and Big Jay comes down in the stairwell. He's like, you going up soon? It was the late show. He goes, let's take a couple hits. Come on. And I go, all right, fine. Now, usually I'll smoke like

At least 30 minutes before the show. This was right before I was going up. And so I take a hit. I'm like, all right. And then they bring me on stage. I remember this vividly. I did a joke, a new joke that had been working. And this girl in the audience gets up to leave. And I go, oh, miss, where are you going? She goes, I heard you do this last week. She waves me off like that. She goes, I heard you do this last week. And I'm like, yeah, well, what do you go to a concert? And they just...

jam and I'm starting to spiral and then Bill Maher and Esty walk in the room and go to the side where they like so now the Booker and fucking Bill Maher are just sitting there and I'm like I gotta kill but I can't do shit that maybe some people have seen so I'm like going in my Rolodex and it was just that's the worst when you when you bomb in front of

people who make very big decisions in this business. I've eaten dicks in front of like club owners, bookers. I bombed out my late night. What was it? Live at Gotham. Yeah. You know how they gave you seven minutes? Yeah. I finished my audition in five. And thank you. Did Esty talk to you about the set? No. And then Bill Maher later was like, hey, like said something or whatever. And I was like, there's no way you thought that was good.

Yeah. Because I was scratching at the walls. It's for anyone that works at like a regular job or a place outside of comedy. If your boss just sat down next to you at your desk and was like, why are you doing it like that? And you're like, I don't know. Because I'm extra nervous that you're sitting next to me than if you were high. So recently I and my fiance's laughs because I come home from doing stand up not high. And I'm like, it went great.

Yeah. She's like, oh, that's... Crazy. Oh. Yeah. So good. I wonder why. Yeah, yeah. What's the recipe? Yeah. Maybe you weren't fucking loaded on stage. Yeah. Just be like, what did you say, man? That's so... Dude, when I got off too, I ran into Strip. Oh, no. What did he say? He was like... And I was like, yeah, you know... He's like, what happened up there? And I was like, I just...

Joe does drugs. I'm so high right now. Joe does a lot of drugs. Yeah. And he forces it on us. Oh, my God. And he brought it. He was like, I go, what did you? Because later on, I got to, you know, time went by. Sure. And then it worked out. It worked out. But I was like, what did you? He was like, I just, I didn't know what was happening. He's like, I'd heard about you, like, your name. Yeah. And then when I saw, I was like, the fuck?

It's so bad. But I do feel like people that watch comedy a lot, like these Dave Stroops of the world and Adam Egott, they know what's good and what's bad. They kind of do. And they can tell if a guy is probably good, but having an off, something's not right that day. Yeah. You know, you can usually tell what level somebody's at. Yeah, you can kind of. They can have a bad day. You see that you're like, oh, there's someone proficient, but he's off. Something's wrong. Going first and locking up.

It was terrible. It was terrible. Going first is tough already. He made me do it. I would say made me because I'm going to blame him. Yeah. But I remember we did a theater in Vancouver also in that era, like 07, 08, 09, something like that.

And he was like, hit this, hit this. And I was like, and then I did. And then I went on there and I actually, I didn't bomb. Yeah. But I was so like, you know, like you hear like, I was like, yeah, like during the set, you know, just like, just so jittery. And then you got squirrel energy. I got off and I was like,

Sorry about that. He was like, what? I was like, I didn't feel good. He was like, what are you talking about? I was like, I was hearing things. He goes, those were applause breaks. I was like, no. That's like the opposite of the Stroop thing where you're like, now I was hearing other stuff. And he was like, that was great. I was like, no, no, I don't enjoy that. I can't do that anymore. Like, that was too much for me.

Montreal, I think it was when I met you in 2012. That was like one of the only times we met. Montreal 2012. Ari was like, hey, I'm doing a storyteller show. And there's a lot of drugs. And we're going to eat mushrooms. And everyone's going to tell a story about when they ate mushrooms. And I was like, done. Done.

he's got him in the green room we eat him and then he comes back to me he goes it's only me and you that are eating them everyone else doesn't want to do them and i'm like why why now and i go can i go first because i started yeah when he said no one else was doing it i was like okay but you got a host so who am i gonna hang out with yeah yeah and he's like just do your story first and i went up there and it was going so it was at the cleopatra yeah you know that like strip club that's upstairs yeah

It was going so well. And then a light under the stairs that lets people know where the stairs are turned on, turned off and turned back on. And it,

It was like that. It freaked you out? Fucking, I was done. I started bombing and I got off stage. Second I started bombing, I was like, all right, I actually am on mushrooms, I gotta go. I'm gonna go take a walk and listen to music. That's a nice way to, you have to do that. And then I did. I walked out of the Cleopatra and I just walked around Montreal listening to my iPod. If you wanna see me bomb, give me some wheat. I'm sure I will just eat shit. You mean chips?

That's kind of a fun idea. I've even done shows where it's a high show, like in Toronto. Yeah. And the room is just full of weed. And I got a contact high so bad that I couldn't even remember my set list. And I had to open my book and be like, dude, where am I? I was forgetting punchlines. Because I don't smoke pot.

When you start scrambling and you're like, I remember. Fucking A. You start to go fast. Fast, fast, fast. At the old Creek in the Cave, they used to do the show Midnight Run and they would do those volcano bags, you know? Yeah. Where you hit those huge volcano bags. It was right when Macho Man Randy Savage died. And so they were like, come by and do the ghost of Macho Man. And so I hit the vape bag and I went out there with those silly sunglasses and I was doing Macho Man and I could feel myself about to pass out.

Oh, really? Where I was like, dude. Do you do a good Macho Man? Yeah, but I was like, do not collapse. Yeah. Because it's a lot of like, yeah, very much. And I just saw my eyes starting to close and I was like, I got a goal. And I just left. And I sat in the back like...

Because, dude, the last thing I needed was just to fall down in those glasses. Oh, man. What's the... I haven't heard you do it, but you do a good Chappelle? Oh, yeah. We prank phone called Chappelle on Legion of Skanks. You called him? No, we prank phone called... Sorry, we prank phone called a Fox News producer that thought Louis...

Jay Gomez had given her Dave Chappelle's number, but he had given her Dave Smith's number. It's on YouTube, and it's part of the episode, but I was just at home playing video games, and they were like, hey, can you call this lady as Dave Chappelle? And she fucking bit, dude. She did.

It's a bit hard. And it was like, I was trying to just keep talking about how important Lewis was to comedy. But then I would just add different things in where I'd be like, I've heard he's got a very dangerous foot finish. I wouldn't show you toes if I was around him. And she was like,

Oh my God, I think I was wearing open-toed sandals. She thought she was talking to Chappelle. That's great, man. That's amazing. Were you always doing him? I mean, I'm a massive Chappelle fan. Sure. In 2012 at the Cellar, I got blackout drunk and hung out with him. And I was telling him old bits he hadn't done on any specials. And I think it freaked him out. And I've stayed away from him ever since. Ever since then. Because I felt that moment where I was like, I think...

I think this is a lot. Too much. I was like, do you remember, you used to, the what white people eat bit was so much longer. And he was like, man, you know my bits better than I do. But he did have, I had the coolest moment possibly ever in standup, speaking of cigarettes.

At the cellar that night, he got off stage and he came and hung out at the table and he was sitting next to me holding a cigarette. And I was like, I always want to know what kind of cigarettes. I've been going to see you since I was 16. I just want to know what kind of cigarettes you smoke. And he was like, oh, I smoke American Spirits. And he handed me one. I was like, we're at the table at the Olive Tree inside. And I go, oh, you want to go smoke a cigarette? And he goes, smoke right here. And I go, well, eh, eh.

I can't because I need this place for rent. But you're Dave Chappelle. You can smoke here if you want to. And he goes, you can if Dave Chappelle lights you a cigarette. And I looked at Esty and Esty went,

Like that. And I took and I swear to God by the third drag. Yeah. Every waiter and bartender was staring at me like fucking Soder gets to smoke and stuff. And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. And I took a couple hits and I put it in the I put it in like the ashtray. And he was like, thank you.

But I was like, dude, that was, I got smoke inside. That's the ultimate measure of fame. Yeah. Is that there's literally places where they go like, the city will fine us and shut everything down and police are going to come. And he's like, I'm Dave Chappelle. And then he just smokes. You're just standing in the hallway and you're like, you can do this? And he's like, I can. And he just smokes. It's amazing. It's crazy. I would put money on, I bet he could smoke in a hospital.

He would. Yeah. Probably. That baby's about to be delivered. Hold on a second. Congratulations, it's a boy. I'm not supposed to be doing this so close to your newborn's face. So true. But damn, I can't believe you shoved that out of your pussy, lady. Your pussy is never going to be the same. He's just sitting there. He's hitting the baby with his knee, with the umbilical cord. Dave, can you knee the umbilical cord? Yeah.

It's crazy. I remember at the comedy store, just in that hallway. Just ripping butts? In the hallway. Crazy. Just like ripping cigarettes. I know, but when you think back to like, it wasn't that crazy. It wasn't that crazy. Like 20 or not. Yeah. Like 90. But to get away with that. Remember you could smoke on airplanes? I've never remembered that. It's the best. When I would fly to like Hungary. Yeah. Dude, you smoked the whole time. International was crazy.

International, what they would do is they would go, you know, you're in a big plane with, let's say, 300 people. You're in a tube. They go, all right, rows 27 back are smoking section. Yeah. Row 26 is like, man, fuck you guys. Oh, yeah. And then you just see smoke. Plumes. Just a whole cloud of smoke and people back there just ripping the whole time. Dude, and I love that.

because my parents didn't know I smoked, so I'd be on these flights, and I'd be like, dude, I can say I was in the smoking section. Oh, you blame it on everybody. Yeah, it was so good. The thing is, I think one of the big things about smoking, too, now, is that everybody who wants to smoke goes, can you smoke here? Yeah. It's a stutter step. And then Dave, what he does is he just smokes, and people are like,

are you fucking crazy huh and then you're like then they go like that guy and he's like oh yeah check my mdb yeah yeah this is allowed stanhope was doing that for a while yeah you just smoke stanhope stanhope had a great special that he filmed at uh gotham comedy club and he like changed the interior so it doesn't look like it he goes on it was a showtime special and he opens by smoking he goes yes i can smoke because there's some flaw in your theater laws

Because of that, I can smoke on stage because you guys don't want to fuck up a version of a Tennessee Williams play. I think it's like the line that he said. And he's just ripping butts and you're like, I want to get back to that. You know, thinking about smoking, the only thing I would do differently if I could go back and do it again is buy multiple cartons at once. Because I was, I mean. Well, you were broke usually. Yeah. So was I. So stupid. I should just bought multiple packs.

I would only do one at a time because I shared the delusion that this might be my last. Yeah. Like maybe I'll quit by the time these are gone. And like that never happened. Then you get to three cigarettes and you go, I got to go get a pack. Yeah. Man, Bobby Kelly and his wife quit when I first started opening for him. And he was like, yeah, dude, I don't know. We're done smoking. Come over to my house. I got three cartons. And it was like a cartoon cloud of dust that I was gone. And at his house, like.

Yeah. Let me get them. I don't care what they were. They were Parliament lights and these weird camel black packs with like a pink outline. You just ripped those up. I mean, dude, three cartons in my freezer. It was the fucking best. Remember when you were a real smoker and if you switched brands, it would give you a cough. Yeah, and you'd be like, oh, sorry. I'm adjusting to these Marlboro mediums. That's so crazy.

gross oh my god like your body would get used to that talk or like when you'd be like what do you got marble lights yeah i'm a camel lights guy yeah i can't camel lights was what i was into that's what i was that was up until now they're called camel blues yeah it's super gay i don't know why yeah but dude the second rush is like we're gonna nuke you yeah i'm back i'm back call me joe camel you know i had a teacher i've told this before but i had a teacher a history teacher in high school

And Mr. Stein, shout out to Mr. Rippon. But he was like, he would just, a lot of times he would just sit and talk, you know, he wouldn't teach, just talk about life. And he was like, what do I miss the most? Smoking. And he

And he goes, I'll tell you this. If I'm ever diagnosed with cancer, the next thing I will do is buy cigarettes and smoke them. And, you know, in high school, he was definitely in his 50s or whatever. And then I found out, you know, I'm out of college or whatever. They go, Mr. Stein got cancer. And I was like, is he smoking? They're like, how'd you know that? Yeah.

I love a man that comes through on his word. They go, Mr. Stein, sit down. We found a tumor the size of a baseball. He's like, fuck, I know what I'm doing immediately after. Immediately. That is smokes. Maybe that is the way to like...

He's like, if I'm going out, I'm going out smoking. You should put that on your chart so your doctors know where they go. Good news, bad news. What do you want first? You go, bad news, cancer. Good news, smoking again. This thing is aggressive. Yeah, you're not going to last very long. You've got three months. I'll get your house in order, but also buy a couple extra lighters. You're going to need them. It's pretty wild. Speaking of gay, you live in New York. Yeah.

You've worked in corporate America in a way, right? As an employee. Oh, yeah. Were you forced to watch this? Now, you will watch a video about gender. The video is audio described for people who are blind or have low vision. In a classroom, two people present. We're going to take two minutes to talk about gender. Oh, this has nothing to do with me. Well, actually, gender does have to do with you. Not to me. Hold on. Everyone has a relationship with gender. Hold on.

Whether you've thought about gender a little or a lot, it has impacted you. How you were named, what clothes you wear, expectations about what jobs you can do. And you get the point. Yep. Every single person watching this video has been taught about gender from the very beginning, from birth. So this video. Oh my God. Is the New York City Commission on Human Rights has been requiring businesses with more than 15 employees to

to submit workers to gender training. And so this training includes a mandatory video that teaches that biological sex can be changed. It's just crazy when you take corporate speak because it's got the corporate feel of let's not get in trouble with what's supposed to be progressive ideas. And you're like, so you're just making them

worse like yeah you're just making it cornier and there's no way to do this in a cool way like yeah they're trying to make it cool yeah you know what if they just show a surgery of a dick getting cut off from there that would be the fun do i have your attention cigarette do i got your attention we're lopping off cocks here you know what is this about you think that elbow skin is just an elbow

Wrong. If you're a lady who wants a cock, it's a dick. Oh my God. We like to define people, right? So when people are born, society defines them by looking at their reproductive organs and labels them male or female. What's up with that? That's wrong. Well, actually, it's more complicated. Well, let's

Let's just see. If she has a big enough pussy, we're going to call her something else. Oh, boy. Dude, that is... Wait, I'm learning. Hold on. It's more complicated? It is more complicated. Gender can be broken down into gender expression or gender identity. Let's look at some gender identities. I'm Sophie, and I'm cisgender. The majority of people in our world identify as cisgender, sometimes without us even knowing it.

Cis means I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. When I was born, the doctor said, it's a girl. And I still identify as a woman today. Oh, that's pretty cool. Worked out. The majority of you. I'm Samara. I'm also a woman. So when I was a baby. Man holds a blue blanket. That's so funny. Hold on. Hold on. Pause that.

How do we know that's a man? They've already broken their own rules. When they're talking to the blind people, the blind guy goes, I don't know, let me smell him. Yeah. I don't know if he's a man. He's definitely a smoker. He's wearing perfume, but it's perfume for a lady. The blanket revealing a pink one now.

And if a basketball player flies me out to fuck him, I'm a secret. Thank you. Put him in a river. He's defective. Okay.

That's what doesn't work. They go, yeah, this one's busted. What do you want to do? You want to keep it? You want to Moses them? We can put them in a basket and throw them in a river. Hi, I'm Bailey. Oh my God. People surround Bailey with pink. And I'm also a man, even though I was assigned female at birth. People tear away pink to reveal blue. I'm a trans man. Hi, I'm C. Hi, I'm Lindsay. And we're non-binary. For me, that means I don't identify as either a woman or a man.

C and Lindsay are handed multicolored balloons. And for me, that means I don't identify with the gender at all. Lindsay tosses balloons. I think the thing that I would be most bothered by is just having to watch this video. That's what I was just thinking. None of the messages in it, I would just be like, don't make me fucking watch this video. I know trans people. I know non-binary people. And I'm all down. I know them as people. Yeah. Totally down with them. And I 100% want to support them and make them feel as comfortable. When you bring in this shit. Yeah. This feels like the video they showed us at Bed Bath & Beyond when I used to unload trucks. Yeah.

And they were like, you guys are doing something good. You're like, we're counting loofahs. It's that corporate fake feel. Right. You guys are team. We're team players. And also like having to sit there and not be able to giggle as this was playing, that would kill my soul more than anything else. That's the bonding exercise at a job is when you have to watch this and be like...

I know. Okay. The fucking deaf guy? Yeah, and he goes, oh, come on, clearly a guy. Another deaf guy's upset. He goes, oh, but you don't do captions? Doing it for the blind guy, but no captions.

Dude, this is wild. Because what they use is they're like basically being like, we're going to set up traps for ourselves. Yeah. Because there's no way you can get. The thing about the left that's different than the right is the right has a hard point where like the second you're not with America, they're like, get the fuck out. But the left, they're like, I can out liberal you.

I can out-progress. It's always like I can be more progressive than you. Also, you know that this is produced just so somebody...

In Charge gets to go, do you know what I did? I made everybody watch a video that sucks. That shows how good of a person I am. I love everybody. And then meanwhile, they go online and they're going to porn stars. Instagram's being like, you fucking slut. What are you doing? By the way, guys, did you guys all watch

The gender video. That I produced. That I made. It is so corny, too. It's so corny. It's so bad. It's so shitty. If you're going to make something like this. Yeah. That's going to step in it. Fucking step in it. I mean, let's call it out. Paul Rossi. Thanks, Paul Rossi, for your shit video. Yeah, you fucking dipshit. Yeah. Can I tell you something? I would rather watch these two do the whole video. Yeah. And be like, you're looking at me and you're thinking, what the fuck is going on? Yeah.

Do you want to see it? Yeah. Do you want to see it? And you go, I do want to see it. My name is C. Is that annoying as fuck? Yeah. But that's what I've chosen to be, annoying. I'm annoying. Yeah, I'm annoying. Am I going to roll my eyes when you say, excuse me, miss? Probably. Do you not know enough annoying people? Well...

I'm one. Here's a video chock full of them. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Man in a blue blanket. I think it's the also the complete like catering to it. Like the tone is like everyone's great with this. Like I agree. There's no real. Yeah.

At least they did the video, the part where she's like, most of the world's like me. Mathematically, I know the numbers. You know, when you meet like a large group of people, they'll mostly be like me. But there might be a couple people. But you got some outliers floating around. They should have a couple of those in the video where they go like that. Right.

Unlike C. Like C. Zimzer's egg. We just know at your barbecue, you're going to have to get briefed by your partner. What do I say? How do I say it? Just call them C. C, like the fucking letter C. That scene, you know? Is that happening in Jew Dark Titties where straight people are calling their significant other partners?

even though they're hetero? When it happens, it makes me so mad because partner was our generation's version of roommate. Like back in the 70s where they'd be like, oh, my dad and his roommate. And he's like, oh, your dad's gay. Yeah, yeah. And then when we were growing up, it was like, this is so-and-so and their partner. And you would immediately be like, oh, they're gay. Cool, whatever. It just helps you kind of... Yeah. And now they go partner and a woman shows up. Yeah.

Yeah, I get so upset. I can't put my hand through a wall. Well, I was like talking to a woman who I've known, but I don't know her intimately. I don't know her real close. But then she was like talking, she's like, oh yeah, my partner. And I was like, oh, I never knew she was gay. Yeah. And then- And you go like, even in that conversation, you go, hi, good for you. Yeah, and then like halfway through, we kept talking. She's like, yeah, you know, my partner-

His daughter, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Your partner's a man? She's like, yeah. I was like, super. But what does he identify as? And then they go, man in the yellow shirt. I was like, yeah. Because they've got to do it for the blind people. Let me ask you something. If you're a cis man, do you need a plaid shirt, bulging muscles? Yes, you do. No room for tears. To love sports? Man is terrible. No. Man misses football. This might work for some and not others.

Is this for like kindergartners or adults? That's the problem. Yeah. Oh, God. Shut the fuck up. Man, where was this when I was in eighth grade and all my friends were calling me?

Because I wouldn't steal from the fucking mini-stop. Right. Where was this video where they go, some boys don't want to do crimes. And those boys just have morals. It's not, you know. They're still boys. They're still boys. They can still like football and not steal. This is so, to me, it's, what's the word I'm looking for? Diminishing? It's pandering. Pandering, yeah. You feel it's. It's like, don't talk to me like I'm a dipshit. Yeah, talk, like.

I've been on the planet Earth for the last 20 years, but they should show this to like eighth graders or like it would be whatever under sex ed. Yeah. And you're like seventh grade. Pop it on and be like, hey, listen,

It's from the state. You get it. Some state programming. A lot of you guys are assholes. I want you to watch this video, okay? Listen, some of you guys have been calling Kevin saying he doesn't have the right parts. We're going to let you know he might, but he can also still be a boy. Anyways, I'm going to go on the smoke. I got cancer. Yeah, it's just really, it feels very condescending to be an adult. Condescending, that's the word. You're going to watch this. You're like. Where they go, do you know that boys can like boys? Not every man likes football.

Like, oh, shit, Sherlock. We're adults. And those are women. Yeah. Exactly. Are we going to start coming back around? If you don't work in a factory and have calluses on your hand, you might be a lady. I hope so. Because it comes all the way around. Well, here, let's lighten it up a little bit. Oh, no. Yeah, bud, get in that way. Get in that way. Bye. Oh! Oh!

I can't wait for football season to be back. I know, right? I can't wait for football to be back. Let's see. Is she okay? We have nothing available. Dude, that is. Just rewind that. I want to see that one more time. I know. That's really something.

The horse is like, yeah, right. Ooh. Yeah, what is this? Like, you can't wave to a horse. Yeah, the horse was like, okay. It's not going to understand human. The horse gave a look. Doing the Oklahoma drill? Yeah. Okay. All right, meet me in the A-gap. I'll meet you right here. I'm getting that first down. I'm fucking loving it. Third and one. She's not the same, by the way. No.

No way. Not a chance. Trauma. It's so traumatic. Not a chance. No, she absolutely can't kill. That's like getting hit by a truck. Yeah. Like a truck hit her. But you know what? I fucking hate horses and I hate horse people too. They can go suck it. I don't like it at all. Wait, like did you have a problem? Fucking hate horses. I've always hated them. Your best friend.

My best friend likes horses. I don't like them. I've ridden them when I was young. I've had bad experiences. I got thrown off a horse when I was very little. That's what it is. They're too big. Was this you as a child? They're too smelly. No. I got thrown off the back of the horse and I almost got stets on. And ever since then, I curse them like the gypsies they are. The fucking gypsies of the animal kingdom. They're scary. Fucking horses. I saw a tweet one time that fucked my mind up.

It said, can you imagine if horses were carnivores? The problems we would have. Oh, yeah. That's really good. Oh, my God. I saw that tweet. Oh, my God. And I was like, that's stuck with me for years. You're like, I fucking got the dog. And it's like...

and you're like, it's working! Just taking a bite after it knocks you out. They're monsters. If they had sharp teeth and not those flat Hollywood teeth. Stupid veneers. They have the big Steve Harvey's in their mouth. Hey everybody, so my pilot got picked up. Every horse. Guys, good news, we got a full season. He's got flies on him and their eyes. It's very stinky. They always get praise for their cocks.

but honestly, go look at a whale dick. Yeah. Where's that lady jacking off that horse?

I hate that video. I love that video. Please don't show that. You don't think Dan wants to see that video? Dan, do you want to see him jerking off? It's terrible. It's terrible. Jay on the bonfire showed me the video of the guy dying. Oh, yeah. Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands. That noise. That's what I talk about on stage. It's one of my favorites. That noise. Yeah. That's too much dick. Yeah. Oh, I thought I could take all you can eat. I can't. Yeah. It's fucking.

Dude, animal. Do you think I could take it in my, yeah, you could take it in your vag. Your vag, you could, yeah. But also it would still perforate. I mean, it would bust you up. It would rip your vag because how big is a horse? It's like a baby's head going in. But here's the thing. You can't. The thrust, though. Like an older lady once told me to slow down. You can't tell a horse that. Yeah. You can't be like, hey, take these. Slow down, buddy. Yeah, yeah.

Just sugar juice. Yeah, he's not going to ease in. No, he's just going to get on you. Because that's what happened to Mr. Hand. Yeah, it's too fast. He got up in the stirrups and then he was like, oh, okay. He got a little taste. Yeah. He was like, ooh, ooh. But think about those hind quarters. Yeah, he could have gone into it slower. Bam. Wham. Bam. That's when he was like, ah. Son of a bitch. Yeah.

Perforated colon just destroyed inside. Whoever, the first name of whoever was in the room. Oh, Marty. Marty, you're going to have to help me out. Got to back him off. Back him off. It reminds me of that classic E-bombs world thing of the guy playing with the katana swords. And he goes, now see here, right here. Oh, oh, the tip just got me, Odell. Oh, the tip just got me. I'm bad. And then you see Odell come in and go, folks. Yeah.

We may need emergency surgery in the studio. You get a horse just because that's what it is. It's all power. It's the power behind it. Go check this out. It's the power of love. Yeah. No. Her face. Look at him. He's like, oh, bitch. I hate it. He's like, oh. How do you not want to see a horse come? Who are you? He's like, ha ha.

I don't like this. I don't like it at all. I love my biggest Instagram thing that I like right now is black dudes are doing voiceovers for animal videos. Non-stop hilarious. Really? Yeah, dude. It's really funny. There's a couple comics that are doing it, but you just find a new like, oh, hell no. Oh, this bitch jacking me off. It's like shit like that. I would love to see this video scored because he's like, oh, oh.

Stop. I don't like it. Dude, that's what you want to get. Look how happy it is. Tell them the truth. Tell them the truth. All right. I have to tell you the truth. What is it? It's just getting its belly rubbed. God damn it. I know. Because honestly, this woman's partner

Yeah, yeah, whatever you gave fucking mr. Sprinkles, yeah I'll bend over She's too happy to be Jane is D. Yeah, that's a sadistic bitch. Yeah She's like I always go to the barn and make the horses

You guys want to see the horses stomp around? Imagine if it's like your first date and she's like, I want to come to the barn with me. You're like, yeah, sure. She's like, check this out. You're like, holy fuck. She's like, I'm going to hop the stall. You're like, what are you going to do? What are you doing? Oh, my God. And then you have to be like, that was super cool. That was cool. And you're like, shake my hand. How strong is your grip? Yeah.

You just want to feel how good a grip is? You're like, damn, you can fuck it. I bet you can wing a football. Would that be a deal breaker for you? Hold on. It's us on the first date. But you've known me a little bit. It's 2005. And I'm like, babe, I love horses, Tom. I want you to see what I can do with this horse. Well, here's what I would do is I would be like,

I want to see how crazy this bitch is. This bitch is nuts. That's what I would think. She's crazy. And I'm 100% staying on this date for wherever this ride is going. For the story. Yeah, I'm not thinking about long term. I'm just like, this bitch is wild. She just jacked a fucking horse off. And we just got here. And it's date one. We've known each other a little bit. But you're like, I want to see what I can do. I mean, I would be like, I'm going to use the ride. She just jacked the horse off. Immediately change your name and his phone to Sugar Cubes. Yeah.

And that would be so bad for me because you tell everybody my reputation would be destroyed in the comedy. Everyone would be like, they would be like, jerks off horses. They would be like, no, no, come on. And I'd be like,

She does. She took me to the barn. I'm telling you right now. I thought she was going to go brush it. I thought she was going to brush the horse. We went to Calabasas. She found a farm. Calabasas. That's where all those assholes are that have a horse. I had the apples. I was like, what do you want me to do? She said, just wait right over there. I thought we were going to ride it. I was like, where's the saddle? She just starts jacking. She gets over there. And she was happy about it. That load was massive. Massive. Remember Super Super 200s? Not even the 100s. Remember the 200s? Came everywhere. It made this noise at the end.

It was pushing out air. And then she just wiped her hand on the towel and she goes, let's go get some lunch. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Because those women that are in like the dog fucking videos and all that stuff, they have, eventually they have to tell somebody. They have to tell somebody, yeah. You can't completely. You can't keep that a secret. You can't fuck dogs and then just be like. Oh, I don't like that either. I had a stage. No, dogs are sweet, innocent, loving creatures. You were fucking dogs in the stage? I would never fucking dog. Oh, oh.

I have a sweet dog, and if anyone ever touched her inappropriately, if they expressed her anal gland too hard, I would John Wick that entire place. Fuck you, dog. Don't you fucking touch my sweet myrtle. Don't you fucking touch my dog. My sweet little baby. Here we go. Doing a little karate here. Oh! Retards. That was awesome. That was awesome. That was awesome. That guy completely deserved it. Yeah, that's so stupid. Ha ha!

Right away, he's like, you okay? Yeah. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Yeah. That was a good one. Yeah, you don't need to plate up here, bro. Also, to have the whole foot coming at you. Yeah, that's fucking so not thought out. God damn. Thank you for doing that, fellas. Bro, or hold it to the side, maybe? Yeah, yeah. But also, if you're the kid that kicked...

You kind of leave there going like, so don't fuck with me. Yeah, yeah. Just let you know. You know what can happen. You know what can happen. I'm going to swing that thing and I'm going to fucking blast it. It's on video if you need a reminder. He caught shrapnel. Imagine if he caught the whole thing. Yeah. You got it, bro. Oh. That reminds me of something I would have done.

That's something I would do. That one I pulled off TikTok. I was making the rounds. That's a good one. That one is on the fence for me in terms of like, okay, he's not killed. He's not hurt. It's something you could see yourself doing as a younger person. It's the embarrassment of hitting and then sliding where he, before he hit the water the whole way down, he's like, fuck, dude. Yeah. I look like an idiot. Also, like, I was bracing for the head hitting the thing. Yeah. And also for this not being deep enough. Yeah. Both things had me go like...

Because most of the time when that happens, the end of the video is like them bent. Yeah. Or you go, and they go, and you're like, oh, right in the head. Yeah. No, this is fun. Because you go like, he climbed out of that and then went up there and was like, oh, I'm fucking idiot. I fucking slipped.

No. No. Good. Deserved. Deserved. Retards. I hate this. You hate rock climbing? I hate horses. I hate rock climbing. The worst is free climbers. Dude. And fuck cave divers. I feel like you're suddenly taking a shot at my home state of Colorado. Fuck all this.

I don't like people that come up through a high altitude. Fuck high altitudes. I hate high altitudes. You're like, I'm just going to say this. Have you gone rock climbing? Fuck it. I mean, dude, here's the thing. I am such a lazy stoner that being from Colorado was 100% wasted on me. Yeah. It was, I should have been from like a low valley of Ohio. Yeah, yeah. Where they'd have been like, I could have been a hill person. Sure.

I never did any of that shit and I hated it and I resented it when my mom's boyfriends would take me to go to the show. I don't have any interest in rock climbing. I mean, I've done it. Like with, you know. I respect it. I respect it too. I respect the hell out of it. Me too. I think it's stupid.

It is on a level. It is dumb, but I respect the hell out of those people, especially the free climbing is suicide. You want to die? Just kill yourself. It's like the deep, the, the, the, the free breath. What is it called? The free diving. Those people too. I held my breath for four and a half minutes. Why? You want to die? God's like, there's too many people here. Yeah, I got it. Now, here's my question. You got the free climbers, right? And you got the horse jackers. Yeah.

Who is better suited to please the opposite sex? Is it the horsejackers jerking off guys? Free climbers finger banging? Wow. Damn. Real skill. They got some strong fingers. I like how you're thinking. That grip is like. Yeah, they get in there like. Iron fingers. And then the horsejack, you're like. I think maybe it's just a perfect match. I don't know. You could put one above the other. Let's do a nap.

called, you know, what would be the app? Yeah, something like free finger fuck. I don't know. Yeah, giddy up. Giddy up is great for horse girls. But those free climbers are in such good shape because they're just pulling their body up and up. So I'm going to take the whole package with the finger blasting as well.

Because a horse jacker doesn't have to be in good shape. Maybe the arm only. They'll put their fingers into these little holes above a door frame and then just pull their whole body up by two. Nope. I have to make a noise to get out of a chair. Yeah, it's crazy. And these guys are like... It's crazy. But then they suck...

on on land to hang out with yeah you're like you want to get a pizza and they're like i can't yeah i have to scale a 14 footer yeah yeah yeah yeah no this is a miserable hobby but again okay i think i don't i i i hate the free climbers more than i hate these people with the ropes and stuff this is this is misery not only that when they scale these walls then they have to set up camp somewhere up at the peak right and then they sleep in a bag that hovers over the mountain you're like

And they're eating, what, a power bar a day? How are you taking a shit up there when you're in the... I don't think you do. I think you come back down...

Your body goes, oh, we're alive. Yeah. Oh, cool. Why did we do that? I did do the rock climbing wall at this place just a couple months ago. That shit is taxing us. I mean, it's unbelievable. Dude, you just reminded me of this story. I used to go to this gym in Astoria, Queens called The Rock. And they had a rock climbing wall, right? They were very like, if you do this, you have to go talk to a staff member. You have to like...

There was like a whole process. One day on like a Wednesday, I'm just like working out and you just hear just down onto the pads. This dude was just climbing and didn't tell him. And I was like, fuck it. Like in the middle of his workout, like I'll try this and got up and fell back. Dude, they had to get the fucking ambulance. It was a

scene he was all right yeah but dude watching how mad the people were at the gym that he did it while they were helping him yeah like don't move sir and he's like i'm sorry he's like that neck thing yeah he's like i'm sorry i was just i thought i could do it because he got up pretty high did he have ropes at all on him nothing just free he did it free and he just tried to thought it would be because you don't realize i had the thing i had i was strapped in yeah and once you're like

20, 25 feet up.

Even with your strap in, you're like, fuck. It's scary as shit. You go like, oh. And you put your foot out to the thing and it misses. You're like, oh, shit. And you're kind of like, you start to really tense up, I think, because you're an amateur too. You're like, shit. And then there's a bell. So you go up and I hit the bell. And then I go, what do I do now? And the guy goes, just let yourself fall. I was like, you sure? He's like, it's what we do all day. Yeah, we got you. Yeah, and then so you push off and you're kind of, you know, you...

Yeah, you do the little thing. But even with that thing on, you have this fear of like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Like this, I'm going to fall and get hurt. This Queens idiot was like, yeah, I can do this. I can do this. Hey, what do you guys got? We're about 45 feet. I used to scale all the way into Shea Stadium. I fucking got this thing. It was the sound of the body hitting those blue mats that I just remember being like, everyone in the gym was like, what the fuck? What was that? He's like, oh.

Like a horse just fucked him. They got me. I got Mr. Ants. Hey, Tom. Yeah? Would you rather free climb or cave dive? Free climb. Free climb. Dude. Those videos. 100 out of 100 times. There's a story. I...

One of the only times I've ever watched someone tell a story and I've gotten like crazy anxiety was Donald Cerrone was on Rogan and he was talking about how he would do cave diving and he got lost. I know exactly. Dude, I watched that waiting for a flight with sweat running down my head. It was horrible. Just from the story. Yeah, and he was like, and I didn't think I could find my way out and I was like...

And they're like, now boarding? I'm like, shut up, bitch. You gonna be okay, Donald? And he's just telling the story. He's a true badass. He's an old school, like, he's from Colorado.

That's a guy who's from Colorado. I'm a little bitch that's from the suburbs that's like, I like Sega better than SES. And this guy's like, yeah, I'm down there fucking climbing. Dude, it was wild. Every time I would rock climb over cave diving, a hundred out of a hundred. I might choose that too, but free climbing. I'm saying free. Because here's the thing. I'll free climb and be like, I'm probably going to die. But I would cave dive and just go.

I, this is a willful attempt to die. This is a suicide thing. And I would be, the paranoia of the cave dive is much higher than the paranoia of I'm climbing high and I'm going to fall. Well, cause climbing high, I think, and I'm with you on this. Cause cave diving, you're like the whole time you're doing it, you're going, I'm going to die. Yeah. While climbing, you go like,

You get up pretty high and you're like, I could make it. I could make it. Yeah, there's hope and air. Yes. If I found a place to rest...

On the free climb, I think I would just park there and cry. Yeah. Come get me. And then a guy has to go, and he goes, Tom, just grab me. Don't drive me. Come get me. Get me. Yeah, dude. I felt like that. I'm tearing up thinking about cave diving. It's so awful. It's horrible. It's got to be the worst hobby that I can think of. If you have any amount of claustrophobia, any,

It's so exacerbated by what they do on that. I mean, it's just... It's terrible. It makes me so uncomfortable. You're thinking about someone getting you on...

the climbing. Yeah. One of the only times I've ever gone snowboarding. Like I said, growing up in Colorado was wasted on me. I knew how to ski, but all my friends were into snowboarding in high school and they were like, dude, snowboard. You can ski. You'll learn how to do this. And I was like, all right, I'll go with you guys. I just wanted to smoke weed and get fucked up on the ride up. So I was like, all right. And we get up there and I'm wearing jeans and like a regular jacket. And I'm like, yeah, so just explain it to me. And they're like, it's how you do it.

I got lost and I somehow ended up on the Black Diamond Moguls on a snowboard. You want to talk about someone, come get me. I was just in between these moguls and every time I tried to get up, I'd be like, oh, fuck, do I take it off? And my buddy somehow found me and was like, do not take your snowboard off. Like,

Don't. Just try to ride down. Come to the side. He wanted me to go down to the side. But dude, I just remember being in between two moguls being like, someone's gonna get me. I don't want to do this anymore. So scary. It sucked. It's so scary. It's being stuck doing something you're bad at that's also... Here, one more. Okay.

Oh! Fuck, dude. He just lost all his teeth. You know what, though? That's the one I almost... Is that the end of the clip, or does it keep going? No, that's it. Because I would put money on the fact that that guy got up casually and didn't realize how bad it was, and it's one of those things where it just starts going like... And then blood starts rushing. Shooting out, yeah. Because he hit the corner. Oh! Ow! Yeah, it's his head. Yeah.

Did he get it, though? Did he grind? Did he do it again? Did you do the trick? He got up there. Looks like the board. Oh. He did it. Listen, let's give him credit, dude. He did it. That was gnarly. I don't like that at all, dude. That's the thing. It's like his whole face. It's like this right here. Yeah. Sometimes, though, what's amazing about humans. Yeah, he got up. Ooh.

Sometimes humans will get up and be fine. Yeah. I know. He could be. He'll just get up and be like... It's like how drunk drivers survive crashes all the time because they're like, ah. And skateboarders are sometimes the most chill people. This dude either popped up and was like, this is wild. I'm okay. You guys want to go get in and out? A couple hours later, he was dead. Yeah. Yeah. One of the two. The bleeding in his brain. We have to put him in an induced coma. Well, thank God he's young. I mean, they're very pliable women.

young people are yeah do you remember spills from when you were young that you were like how the how the fuck head trauma i remember i remember being drunk at my buddy's house in high school and he had a trampoline and i fucking got i like was jumping and i went the wrong way and went off the trampoline like on the ground

at my friend justin's house and just got back up and was like what's up i'm fine it was like a little wobbly you remember uh red rover yeah yeah i remember doing that in the outside in the you know the pavement for recess yeah and when i got to it just got clotheslined and just backed off the head where you're like and then thinking like oh this is a this is a concussion or whatever yeah and then they're like yeah just

Just rest here. But that was football too. You played football. Yeah, yeah. You'd get popped and you'd be like, don't be a pussy.

Yeah, stars. When I was a sophomore, we would have to, like, in linebacker practice, we'd have to be the running backs for, like, the seniors. Yeah. Who were just men. Yeah. I remember this guy, Doug Heineman, hit me so hard that I blacked out. Yeah. I just blacked out. I was standing up. And they're like, you all right, Sutter? I was like, I'm fine. And I was just walking the wrong way. And they're like, this way. And you're like, I was definitely concussed. We had a, right before I got to the school that I ended up transferring to, they said they had, like, a sadistic thing.

athletic director. Yeah. And he used to like to take freshmen and seniors. That's men versus boys. Yeah, he's like, just hit them.

Just to watch those kids get lit up. Oh, my God. Fucking crazy guy. Yeah. And then now those kids are snapping and murdering their families. And you go, why do they have sleeping pills? Yeah, it's because of this fucking sicko. Jesus, dude. Go Panthers. And then you're like, a kid fucking has... Yeah, man, that was the head trauma you get when you're little. But you're also so fearless when you're little. You don't know anything. And you're smaller, you're closer to the ground. Like, I just remember getting on a skateboard at like eight, nine years old and just...

going down hills being psychotic or getting on like dude my dad would just have shit in his garage I'd hammer together like a piece of wood and then two sticks and then put wheels on it and just fly down the fucking hill in the streets remember sledding yeah oh

Remember how fucking crazy you'd go sledding? That's a cool Colorado thing. That was the thing where you were like, let's get going. You'd find someone whose house was on a hill somewhere or a hilly backyard. I was a busboy at Red Robin.

Oh, great establishment. Great burgers. Great fries. Great fries. I love Red Robin, yeah. It's still there. Shout out Park Meadows Mall. There's a hill in the back and we're all like 15 and 16 bus boys and we were taking the huge turnstile

Trash can lid? Food runner trays. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. With the slick under and then going under. And dude, I biffed into the fence one time. And then like the manager came out and I had to act like I wasn't wobbled. He's like, what are you guys doing out here? And I was like, I'm coming, Scott. I remember like going in by the trash can back there and being like...

dude, I fucking ran into the wall. I was just fucked up. But yeah, we just, you could pick up real speed on a scale. Yeah. You could get going sledding. Now I wonder if it's changed if kids, dude, you know what I used to fucking do? I just remember this as a teenager, I would put on my roller skates, roller skates. And then around the neighborhood, I would let my dog pull me. That's awesome. On roller skates, bro. Like I would still do that. I'm 12, 13, 14, 15. And,

and just going so fast. Yeah. And honestly, like you can bump up on anything. A rock could have taken me out. I was going so fast with that dog. And your dog's having the time of his life. I know. It was so much fun. I would never do that now. Your dog's like, oh my God, this is in my genetic program. Yeah. He's like, fuck, I got him. Yeah, he's just bugging. And that noise, that noise of the fucking asphalt, like. Yeah. Do you remember sketching?

Where people would grab onto cars with rollerblades. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. You did it? I never did. I was too big of a pussy, but I had friends that did it. No. My friends that were like actually good at rollerblading. Back to the future? Yeah. Totally. But also they would just grab onto like a bumper at like a stoplight and see how long they could hold on for. Oh, my God. You're crazy. That's crazy. Suburban kids are, they're dangerous in a different way. Different way. Yeah. It's boredom that leads them to be like. Yes.

fuck it let's do it yeah i got nothing sure that's terrifying to even imagine i would hold on and like as the car was going i'm scared yeah a couple of my friends it they never it was never anything crazy but they would like hold on for a little bit and then as the car like

Dude, if the car stopped, there's videos you can find online of people trying to sketch and like cars stopping. Don't you remember just picking up such speed on a bike? Yeah. Where you're going, I'm going to go as hard as I can and then you're going downhill and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm doing 45 miles an hour right now. So fast. And you're like, holy fuck.

I remember trying to impress one of my friends who's down at the bottom of the hill riding my bike going no hands. And then all of a sudden I just saw the handlebars go like that. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, dude. Biffing on a bike with your knees and your feet wobbles. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, dude, the hottest girl in our neighborhood. One time I was riding my bike. We were all riding our bikes. And my friend threw, as a joke, threw a hockey stick, like a javelin, and it just went perfectly into my spokes in the front wheel. Oh, fuck. And flipped me over. And it's one of those things where you get rocked. Yeah. But the hottest girl.

The cutest girl in our neighborhood is like sitting there with her friends on her stoop. And I just got up. I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just like walking back to his house like, I'm fine. Nothing fucking happened. And I was out of my tits. I got jacked. Oh, my God. Shout out Scott Thompson. That was an accurate throw. Very good throw, man. Oh, my God. From kids in the hall? You always act like you're cool. I know. I hung out. Good. Yeah. I'm fine, dude. That's fine. And then you make like a cry noise. You're like, fine. Rips.

For the worst, I mean, I've only ever been in like two fights, fist fights, I'm saying. But to get punched in the stomach and then you have to be like, I'm cool. That's the worst pain to get punched in the stomach, get the wind knocked out of you. Especially if it's an unexpected, like if you don't know you're about to be...

Yeah, dude. And someone just clocks you and you're like, boys. When do you know? Well, I'm saying if you're fighting, you know, you're fighting, your body goes into something different, right? Oh, yeah. Until you take a shot. But if somebody, like I remember in fifth grade, it was my first day, and these kids just walked up to me at recess and just were like, bam! And I was like...

So that was such an unexpected thing. You're like, what is this? What you do here? Oh my God. Yeah. Getting that wind knocked out. He was terrifying. Cause you're like, will I ever breathe again? Yeah. And then you're fine. Three minutes later and you don't realize that you're going to be fine. Cause you're like, this is how life is. Someone's like, are you crying? And you're like, I'm not crying.

Sorry about that back there. That's your first like that's the first feeling you get when you blackout drunk and you wake up getting your wind knocked out and you go like a little crazy back there. Yeah, I'm fine. Do you remember even the games you would play? Did you guys ever play buns up? What's that? I think they call it smear the queer back. Oh, yeah, but like you like you throw a tennis ball against the thing and then it's such a weird name for it's California game and then whoever like fucked up or you didn't lost the game. You had to go to the

wall and then you put your butt out yeah and then they get to peg you with the ball there was the one kid that had the arm that you're like god yeah you're gonna get fucked up we would just like i remember where you just have a football and just run yeah just run everybody tries to tackle you and you just fucking and then you'd see one of your friends get mean yeah where you're like yeah you're like running next to him you're like

You never act like this. Are you on testosterone? You're taking T shots. Yeah. It was the kid that was hitting puberty first. Yeah. Or dodgeball. That motherfucker, that kid with the arm and dodgeball would fuck you up with that red ball. I remember baseball when it went from coach pitch to kid pitch.

But then when kids got good at throwing, I remember that first baseball season where you were like, oh, kids are throwing curveballs? Heat now? And heat? And I remember being like, that's when I just started sucking. Because I was like, what are you guys doing? Slow it down. Guys, do it like Coach used to do. And then I'll smash the shit out of it.

Yeah, I got pegged in the ribs that baseball season. And I remember being like, I'm good with baseball. Yeah. No thanks. No thanks. I sucked at T-ball, so I didn't even pursue baseball. T-ball, it doesn't move. I've never even done that. It just sits there. And they're like, can you hit this? And I was like, not really. Dude, fuck baseball. It was so boring. Like, playing it in PE, I'm like, wait, what? I'm just going to stand on this diamond? All my friends were so good. At baseball? And I sucked. Yeah.

Yeah. I was just like, dude, you guys go. They're always on the all-star team. Damn. Like my friends would be like, yeah, we're on the Cherry Creek all-star team. And I'd be like,

Yeah, my season ended a little early this year. I would have been. I would have been. It's just I'm afraid of the ball. Remember that boy? There's always a boy and a girl in the class that are just good at everything. Oh, my God. Like the athlete, the athletic boy, the athletic girl. Johnny Jones from the time. Johnny Jones. Johnny Jones. From the time we grew up, just everything. Crushed it. Well, Johnny's going to excel at this. I remember I played football all through middle school and high school.

Someone was like, I got Johnny Jones to sign up for football. And I was like, oh, yeah. I don't know. He's good at basketball and baseball. I mean, immediately varsity. Playing corner and receiver. And you're like, oh, he's unbelievable at everything. So lucky. Yeah. And then if you sucked at stuff. Oh, that's bad. You always sucked at everything. You don't want to be that guy that's the best physically in the class or the worst physically.

There's always a gangly fuck that can't do anything right. You don't want to be that guy. I was right. Like, let's say best worst. I was like right here. Yeah. And fun. Yeah. So that takes you to right. That's true. Personality goes far when you're when you're at football camp and you're crushing on prank phone calls in the dorms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you got all the badass kids and you're making them laugh. And you're like, all right, dude, this is good. That's what saved me in high school football. Yeah. Because I was like, oh, I was the funny kid that could run into you fast. Sure. Was not good at football. Right. But that was it. But everyone was like, I love having you around. You're like, dude, Soder does prank phone calls. Yeah. Let's go hang out with him. And you're like...

Thank you, Jerky Boys. Thank you for inspiring me. That's the best. Listen, you should go see Dan Soder on the road. You should go to dansoder.com for his tour dates. Check out the regs with Louis J. Gomez, Robert Kelly, and Joe List.

And don't forget that a new Dan Soder podcast is coming. We think maybe November. Yeah, I think November is safe to say. Be on the YouTubes, downloaded wherever podcasts are available, but you'll make more announcements about that soon. Yeah, absolutely. Dude, it was great to have you in here. Thanks so much, guys. I really appreciate you guys having me on. Anytime. Anytime, dude. So fun. We'll talk to you soon. And thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye, Mommy. To all the people who think you're tough, fuck you. You're a fucking bitch. You think you're tough? Throw down.

Fuck!

I just have, I just have, I'm a man.