Hate From YMH w/ Mark Normand and Caitlin Campbell | Your Mom's House Ep. 751
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and from the moment i started posting on tiktok i was met with hate the moment i started posting you're like here's some coffee yeah and just like destroy i can't look away oh man i'm gonna die welcome welcome to your mom's house

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She can't actually enunciate completely because her face is so big. Her face is like, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, it's so funny. Yeah. You can hear it in singers' voices, like the Blues Travelers. He sounded super fat. Ain't nobody got time for that. Oh, yeah, that was a good one. Ain't nobody got time for that. That was a good one, too. That was a good time with your mommy's house. Yeah, yeah. Let me hold your dick. Yeah, that was fun. Listen.

Listen, speaking of not being fat, I'm back on the Ozempics. Get out of here. But they upped my dose because I was eating right through it like a pig the last time I did it. And now I want to die. It's so gross. Like I feel so sick all the time, but I'm looking thinner already. You look great. Yeah. The main thing is that you're getting all the benefits of an eating disorder. Yeah. You know, without all the health complications. It's good. Yeah.

That's true. And then how will I maintain my new thin self? Pizza. When I'm off of it, that's going to be the real issue. Well, you know, keep your weight training up and got to up that protein. I do. I had eggs this morning for breakfast, but I took three whole bites. You're going to have to add a protein shake every day. Seriously. You mean a cum shake as we learned from the...

Double soul shaman. Oh yeah. Yeah. Straight from the source. I'll give you some of mine if you want. That way you don't have to go through the hassle of the blender. You can just have it just shot right down in your mouth if you want. That'd be so cool. Yeah. You want that? Love that. Yeah. There's plenty of time today. Plenty of time today. I keep thinking about him.

And I've, I, I listen, I'm not stunned by celebrity guests. I loved the double soul shaman. And what I loved the most was the photograph of the two of you together that you took in the lobby. If Zolo could share it with us. I've been looking at it.

I've looked at it about five times since Thursday. Yeah. Cause it brings me so much joy to see your face versus his face. Where is he on this? Where do I find him? He is so happy. It's like he just drank his own piss and he's got all that positive biofeedback and you're like, you know, you're kind of there. You're kind of like, I don't know. I love it.

He is... You're so like... Oh, I see him now. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Yeah. I'm shameless. I'm fearless. I'm doubtless. Yeah, there he is. He really is. You see how happy he is? I mean, I'm happy too. He's thrilled. He's very happy. Thrilled. He's a... He's a...

distance runner which you know you look at him you're like yeah he's so fit he's so my beautiful Orin well he's lean yeah he's very lean and distance runners can't carry a lot of weight you know no he's gotta be like 135 140 pounds or something I know I'm fatter than him it's cool maybe he's on the zimpies too you know

A really juicy anus workshop. Yeah. After we had him on, I looked at some of his online content. It's definitely all out there if you're interested. He revealed, I had no idea when he was here, he revealed he has an OnlyFans. It all kind of, you know, all the math kind of comes together at that point. Yeah, it makes sense now. You're like, oh, okay. But yeah, if you go to Twitter, you can definitely watch him pee and jack his dick in the sun. Well, I want to, yeah, I'm curious to see. Yeah.

Found that. Yeah. Pretty cool. But yeah, it's, uh, it was really special. I even sent each other's balls. Joe, can you show him in our lobby? This was the best part too, is, uh, Josh sent me this behind the scenes, BTS of our friend in the lobby. Yeah. Just giving a stretch, stretching it out because these seats are very, uh,

Oh, yeah. Confining to your hips. He had to sit for a while. Yeah. Got to open it back up. In his underwear. Yeah. No shoes. Awesome. Right. There you go. Yeah, that's a good glute stretch right there. I know what he's doing. It is. Feels good. Do you think he walked around Austin without shoes that whole time? I mean, he had those, like, you know, those Jesus sandals. Yeah. That, like, are equivalent to basically no shoes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That's very, very potent. Yeah. He was amazing. Yeah. Very warm, very sweet guy. A lot of the staff, a lot of us got hugs. A couple notably did not. Eni positioned himself to never get a hug. What? Eni, why? He was not ready for a shirtless hug from a man in his underwear. What? No hug for him. Nope. Did Chad get a hug? No, I got left out too. Wow. Wow.

Now, did you do the any route and go basically, I don't want a hug, so I'm not going to walk near him? No. I mean, I greeted him and everything. Wow. I said, you know, welcome to the studio. And he just kind of looked at me and walked to the chair. Wow. You're not his type. If you love your penis, your self-esteem builds up. Well, I got Reed a hug. He totally was like, thanks. He liked that. Adam did a whole thing where I go, hey, come here. He goes, I know what you're doing.

He knew. He's been in comedy too long. Yeah, he stayed in the seat. He didn't even get up. He was like, no, I'm not getting up. But Josh, you got some hugs, right? I got so many. You did?

And he like purposefully dodged the handshake like so hard. So hard. He did that to me too when I first walked up. I was like hand out and he was just like. Nah. Yeah. At the end I thought he was going for a kiss but I guess he had to like line our hearts up when we hugged. But I really thought he was going for a kiss. Yeah I got one. I got one. I got one. I got one on the cheek. Really? Yeah. And I did not expect it either. I was like.

I got one too on the cheek. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he gave me the hug and I was like, it was good to see. And then he was right here and I was like, okay. So yeah, it was, I was like, you know, and he's right back there. I gave him the Howie Mendo. Yeah.

That would have been so great. Well, what was interesting is that I didn't know the scientific term, but pussy juices are what babies gulp on the way out. I was surprised because he actually knows so much history. And he was using medical terms for a lot of things in the brain, in the reproductive system, talking about neuroreceptors and everything. And then he's like, you know, one of the things about when your child is born is that it consumes the pussy juices.

and the pussy bacteria. And I was like, huh, it is clear that you work with males usually. Yeah.

I was, listen, I'm not trying to make apples out of oranges, but I wish he had more for the women. Yeah. You know what? That's not his jam. I respect that. Yeah. Sucking each other's nipples before battle. Yeah. Yeah. What a fantastic guest. Thank you so much, William, for coming. That was a treat. He came from Vancouver, all the way from Canada. All from Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Our fierce, fierce, bitter rival. Do you think he flew in his underwear?

No, I think he gets it, but I think he's first chance he can get out of it. He does. Yeah. Well, you should. He looks, he's got a great bod. Fit guy. Distance runner. 30, 30 Ks. No. Was that what he said? No. 30 miles, right? Something like that. 30 mile runs. That's fucking legit, man. Very impressive. All right. Well, let's start the show. You ready? Oh yeah. We've got some good stuff. I got so excited. Good stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff.

Stop assuming folk who use a plural form of address live with DID or is a system. It is colonialism. There are plenty of indigenous folk and spiritual identities where plural forms of address is the norm. And these forms of address existed prior to colonialism. It is also not okay to ask plural people why they are plural. It's none of your business. Just use the correct form of address. The word, our word.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Well, thanks, pal. Uh-oh.

Gosh. Tom, Zolo just flew this in. Oh, what is it? This is a really nice addendum. Yeah, so as we were talking about it, I remembered he sent a follow-up email with some important information for Christina. Yes, well, our double soul shaman, as you recall from that episode, he gave me a beautiful egg. Oh, for your pussy. To put into my pussy. Yes. And I'm going to put it in my pussy.

But this is the note he wrote. Hey, Josh, off to the airport. Just a quick heads up. I forgot to mention. Could you pass along to Christina that the pussy egg, as he calls it. That's what it says there? It's brand new, but it's definitely a good idea to give it a wash before she tries it out in her yoni. And I had the same inclination, too. You actually mentioned that.

On the episode, you said I should wash this. I should wash it because he just had it in his pocket and his hands and you don't know where people's hands have been. Look at his beautiful mushroom head. Yeah. And if you could forward this about lube to her. So another interesting topic we get. Hi, Christina. When it comes to lubricating the yoni egg, many women prefer using natural oils like coconut oil or grapeseed oil for smoother insertion process.

These oils are gentle and generally safe for vaginal use. However, individual preferences may vary, so it's always a good idea to choose an oil that suits your body best. Feel free to explore different options and see what works for you. Enjoy! Exclamation mark best! Exclamation well. Thank you so much, Will.

I've heard the coconut oil. The samurai were sniffing each other's balls. I've heard this, that coconut oil in your vag is totally fine. I may have to, yeah, maybe canola oil, maybe butter. I don't know. Coconut. We'll see what tastes better for you. Coconut's fine, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, coconut's supposed to be great for the skin. I'm going to try this out. Great for the skin. No, really? For your vaginal skin. But like people like bathe in coconut oil. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And here it's prevalent in this city. Prelevant. Austinites love some coconut oil. They do. They rub it all over their pussies before they do stuff. Yeah, every pussy smells like coconuts here. You know, but thank God I'd rather do coconut oil than patchouli oil. That's what the hippies generally... You can get fucking knocked out if you have patchouli in my life. I hate... I hate that smell too. I hate those fuckers.

- They're the worst. - They are the worst. - I feel like there should be one North Korean style labor camp in the United States and it should just be for people who put on patchouli oil. - And hold on, I'm gonna take it a step further. Yes and? - Yeah. - Anybody who wears Birkenstocks but they're so dirty that the bottoms are black where their toes and feet go? - Plural people.

Yeah. Oh, I think there's a definite correlation between Burke and Stockfield. And plural people. And plural people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And patchouli. Patchouli people. That's a whole Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah. There's definitely overlap. There's a lot. It's a majority overlap. There's a lot.

Hey, everybody. More tickets have just been released for my shows coming up. April 4th in Salt Lake City, Utah. April 12th in Nashville, Tennessee. April 13th in Charlotte, North Carolina. And April 14th in Raleigh, North Carolina. Get tickets and all upcoming tour dates at TomSegura.com slash tour. Also stay tuned for a big announcement next week. And make sure to sign up for my email list at TomSegura.com.

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God, I didn't realize colonialism was to blame for so much. Yeah, colonialism really has, you know, obviously had a lot of ramifications on the way the world works today. Obviously to our benefit, we're not complaining. But yeah, I didn't realize that it affected forms of addressing people and plural people. Because they've existed all this time. It is so fun to learn. Yeah.

I am such a fan of learning. Well, it's weird because the tone of our teachers is always a little shitty. Like, God, you guys don't know this? You don't realize that the root of plural people lies in colonialism? God. What are you, stupid? Read a book. Right. Like, which book should I have read to learn that one? Yeah, they act like it's common knowledge that you're not acknowledging. Yeah. Dummy. Yeah.

Yeah, everyone hates colonialism, but I don't know. I like railroads and medicine and reading and stuff. Yeah. Laws. It's pretty cool. Cement. It's been okay. Once you got there. I got a whole bunch of cool stuff in here. I can see your little dog wheels turning. You're getting very excited. Just excited about it. Can I tell you about smells? Yeah. I like your natural smell very much. My natural smell? Yeah. I'm coming from the gym. Well, not that smell, but I like it when you're...

When like at the end of the day, when you've been normal, normal guy stuff. Yeah. There's something about your natural. Pheromones. Yeah. Your body smells. I really like how they smell. It's really weird. It's not stinky. No, it's very intoxicating for me. And when I was pregnant with your seeds. Yeah. Both times carrying your male children with all that beautiful testosterone slashing around inside of my room and.

I felt even more connected to you just by your smells. I loved smelling you when I was pregnant. Yeah. Thank you. It's a good thing, right? It's a good thing. Yes. It would suck if you were like, God, if there's one thing I'm repulsed by, it's your smell. Your spouse's smell. Yeah. That's a bad thing to be stuck with.

You like my smells, right? Yeah, of course. That didn't sound very convincing. Yeah, of course. Yes. Did I poop while I was giving birth? Yes or no? Quick. No, you've asked this a million times. Because I think you're lying. Your hair looks nice. Thanks, pal. You just changed the subject. That means I shit. You got a middle part. That means I shit. You didn't shit. On the birthing table. You didn't. You had pussy juice coming out. All that shit came out. All that shit came out of your pussy. And then the baby got it and was like, I'm going to be strong. I don't think they gulp.

I don't know. They just cry. Yeah, they cry a lot. They don't. I don't think there's like... You know what's interesting? Is they cry like crazy when they're born. Yeah. And here's what I've learned. They keep crying. Yeah.

It's years go by and they still cry. It's all the tears, all the tears. And you know what? Sometimes the tears never stop. Hello, everybody. American Airlines. Here.

Here we go. Gay people freak out the best. The best. There's two. There's top. They're always competing, by the way. Gay people and black people. I was going to say. Publicly freaking out. It goes back and forth. You're going to take gay over blacks? No, but this is a special kind. This is like.

They're both pretty fey, and this is a diva freakout. And one of them is trying to keep him from freaking out because he probably doesn't want to keep flying. But then it was like, America, our lines, and it fucks us over. You can't really get this in most other groups. This is true. So performative. Look at this. Getting physical. I think he might be drunk. No, he's drunk. Yeah.

Shelby and Donna. I'm going to do it for you. Shelby and Donna. That's it. Show me Donna. No, he's saying the girls. Do you love, like, he's like, so he's saying Shelby and Donna. So I just don't know if those are two shih tzus or the names of their adopted daughters.

But there are two girls that one of them is saying, think about them. Think about those girls. Think about those girls. Yeah. Yeah. So we're either going to see two other dogs come up or they have daughters. They match, which is adorable. I wish you and I would match more. And this one guy is really freaking out. He's drunk. Shall we? Shall we? Shall we?

Remember them. Remember them. That's, you know. I'm just trying to get home to the girls. Okay, yeah. Those dogs. Yeah, there's two lady dogs. Look, look. I have my paper dogs. Fuck off, bitch. Fuck off.

Oh, I didn't see that coming. Oh, it just got good. Because is she schooling them? Well, I think first he thought he was connecting with someone, didn't he? Yeah, he was like, nice. And then she said something to him, and then he was like, fuck off, bitch. She's being a bitch. Wow. It switched.

Because was she scolding him for acting out? Which is so annoying. He was really acting out. But then he's also very close to her. And she's just like, I get it. She's like, go away. Get away from me. You're loud. You're obnoxious. Your breath probably smells like someone took a dump in it. Yeah. Because you know that post-show thing where the person's been drinking and you're like, fuck, man. Get out of my face. Are people pissing in your mouth here? It's always beer that smells the worst on people's breath. So bad. But he's drunk.

Or just crazy. And then he said, fuck off, bitch. But she's stupid because, first of all, if you fucking remember from middle school, whenever you see a fight, you shut the fuck up and just watch. Don't you dare chime in, bitch. Bat on her. That's how you get hurt. Yeah, she's stupid. Fuck off, bitch. She wanted to get in on the fight. Yeah. Fuck off, bitch! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah. That's right. Yeah. The gays are not, the gays are good at that. They're good at talking shit. Cause like they've been talking shit to their whole lives. Yeah. They had to be snappy from the beginning. Yeah. So you don't find gay dudes in public. No way. No, thanks Tom Hanks. They really know. They know what the fuck they're doing. It's good for a tantrum. I'm telling you. Yeah. This is just tantruming. Yeah. This is adult tantruming. Yeah. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny.

Very cool. You know, the other day, I haven't even told you this story because I'm still kind of ashamed of it.

But I was like, there's this new phenomenon now where like older men feel like they can scold me in public. It's really funny. I don't know. It's interesting. What do you mean? Okay. So the boys and I were on the way to the hardware store because Ellis wanted to buy a pickaxe, which is not going to happen, but I'll happily get some like version that's moderate for him because he wants to mine diamonds. Because it's from Minecraft. Yeah. He's into Minecraft. In Minecraft, all they do is like.

You know, you mine everything. And then all day, he's like, I got some good elements today, some minerals. And I'm like, did you? And he's just like, just hacking a yard apart. Yeah, he's destroying our shit. He's like, there's some nether right here. It's really cute. I'm like, okay, cool. But I'm like, if you're going to...

Because he's out there tearing shit up. And I'm like, if you're going to do it, I want. He has fucking goggles and gloves. Well, I bought that for him. Because I'm like, you better be wearing safety goggles because there's shrapnel every time he cracks a rock open. I did it with him. And there was rock flying everywhere. Yeah. Oh. So did I. So I was like. He goes, you're amazing at this, man. Because I'm like, you know, I'm 10 times his size and strength. So I go like, whack. And everything cracks. And he's like, God, you're so good at this. That's so cute. Yeah.

So I wanted to get him goggles and gloves and in a form of a pickaxe. Right. Anyway, I'm so embarrassed to even tell the story because it was my fault. Okay. So we're pulling into the parking lot of the hardware store and I'm pulling in, I'm in the parking lot. I'm doing five miles, you know, very slowly in the parking lot. And I see a truck.

That's as I'm pulling up to park next to this truck, I noticed they're unloading like a heavy couch or heavy cargo. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to park next to that. Yeah. So I swerve right to the right.

And as I do, he's coming in, the guy, into the parking lot, right? Yeah. Again, it's maybe two miles an hour. It's really slow. But he honks at me and, oh, gosh, you know, I acknowledge, like, sorry, I messed up. I fucked up. Sorry. Everything's fine. No harm, no foul. I park further down. Yeah. And, of course, the cocksucker parks, like, near me. And I'm like... And I can see him eyeballing me. Like, he's death-daggering me because he wants retribution. He wants to scold me. Because you...

turned wide when he was coming in. I did. And he had to slam on his brakes to like, oh, this woman is now in my whatever. Fine. We would have T-boned at two miles per hour had he kept going. But we didn't. It was fine. Crisis averted. Kids are fine. We're all fine. Sure.

So I see the cunt and I'm like, all right, I'm just going to like put my head down. I kind of ignore him because I see him eyeballing me as he's walking into the store. I like pretend like, oh, what's the kids up to? You know, we get out, we get in the store and I just like, where is this cunt? I know he's going to talk to me. And he's like, you know, you should be careful when you pull into the thing. You could have, we could have T-boned. You got kids in the car. And I go, I know you're angry with me. I know you're angry.

It's okay. That's what you said? Yeah. I go, I know you're angry. I know you're angry. You want to get your anger. It's fine. Because why would you... Okay, my thinking is if somebody has a minor crisis averted in the parking lot and then they seek you out to scold you after, why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the utility? How old is he? He's old as shit. Again, like the goblin from Gelson's. Like old white guys are not into me. No, no. They like...

chastising a woman too. They don't do it to men. No. But why would he seek me out if not to reprimand and scold and shame me? And I go, listen, I've said I'm sorry.

I know you're upset. I see your feelings. I acknowledge your feelings. What did he say then? And he's like, it's not that I'm mad. It's just that this is dangerous. You could have T-boned. We could have T. We got kids. And I go, okay, thank you. Bye now. Bye, bye, bye. And I just walked away. I'm not going to, what am I going to talk about? There's nothing to talk about. There's nothing to talk about, period. No, I know. How many times have you sought a person out after you almost got into a two mile per hour collision and then chastise them for the thing? It's like, dude, what are you doing? You fucking cunt.

I mean, am I wrong? Am I crazy?

I don't think you're crazy. No, you're not crazy. Am I wrong? That is a pretty wild way to bring it to, though, where you're just like, I know that you're mad. I know he's mad. Why else would he come to me? That would have made me more angry, for sure. That's the point. But that's the point. That's the point. And I know I'm being a cunt. You're that girl in the wheelchair right now. You're like, get the fuck away from me. And I did that intentionally because I'm like, he's going to come to me and I'm going to shame him for his stupid fucking wanting to vent on me.

Because I know that's what he wanted to do, to vent his whatever frustration on me. I did that on purpose. It's a bitch move. I'm not going to take credit for it. Yeah. But you do got to be careful, though. Yeah, that could have blown out my real bad. But he's old. It doesn't matter. He's still a dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he's still a dude. What do you think he's going to do? Follow me home and show me? You just don't know. Here's the thing. I just had this conversation, I forget with whom. It was a story about finding out that a dude...

was a... I have anxiety. It's been a week. He's fine. No, no, no. Just hear me out on this. Yeah. When you find out that a dude was lying about his story, like, you know, he's like, I'm a baller. You know what I mean? Like, I own this restaurant or something, right? And then people are like, oh, you know. And then as a woman, if you learn that that was a lie, calling that guy out... Shaming him. ...is a bad thing.

Here's why. Because you just don't know how that guy... Like, he is a liar. He's crazy. He's a narcissist. He made that up. But if you're a woman and you're with a guy and you find... I'm making an extreme example at a restaurant. But whatever his big brag is, that if it's a lie and you realize it, do not...

wait till you get away and tell your friends and everything like this guy's fucking crazy. Don't do it to his face. What should I have said to him? Just like listen to him? No, no, no. I mean, whatever. I mean, you could just be like, I'm so sorry. Yep. I'm a fucking dumb, stupid bitch, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't feel like doing it. Yeah, no, you could just do it. I felt like I did it in the parking lot when I was like, I'm sorry. No, no, no, you did. I think like that guy is crazy. And I'm using a different example. I'm just talking about

In general. In general, men who get called out in a public setting about something, you just don't know how sensitive, how fragile they are, how fragile their egos are. And sometimes that's when you hear these stories in the news of this guy broke this lady's fucking face against the wall, you know, and just like went crazy. Yeah.

Like just took her hair and just fucking bam, like just crushed it. It's because of that. It's because of shit like that. It's some woman being like, I know you're mad. He got embarrassed. Yeah. Am I wrong? It's 100% why. 100%. Guys cannot handle

Embarrassment. Being shamed by a woman. Exactly, yes. I know, that's why I did it because it felt good, it felt right. Guys can't handle shame a lot, period, but when it's from a woman, it's very different. That's why I did it. Hey everybody, don't forget to check out Ari Shaffir's new podcast, You Be Trippin'. The craziest Jay I know who is absolutely hilarious with his own angle on world traveling stories with the greatest and funniest comedians on the planet. You can find it

right now on the Your Mom's House podcast channel and wherever you listen to podcasts. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

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And that's the thing, too. It's not that nothing you did was wrong. It's just that you're not tactical. What's more important, being right? Yeah. Well, in that moment, I was being right. I know. I'm a very spiteful woman. Listen, I'm a very spiteful, rageful person. Can I tell you what another tactic is? And I'm not saying I want you to do this all the time, but you're in a situation like that and a guy says something like that, you just lift your shirt up, show your both tits.

With our kids there? Yeah. Show them how to do it? Yeah. I should have done that and then he would have shut the fuck up. He would have been like, oh, I'm so sorry. You're going to fight me now? But then I get arrested. And you do it to the cops too. Hey, you want to see some old soggy tits? Look at these soppers. That's how you defuse the situation.

Anyway, I'm proud of you. I'm not. You know, I don't know what gets into me, you know, in these public confrontations. I just, you know, I changed. I used to get more afraid of people and now I'm fighting back. It's not normal. I know. It's not great. There's two types of cop videos that are out there. Oh, shit.

The ones that everything escalates and the one where the guy de-escalates. That's how you want to do most interactions in life. You come upon a scene, you just want everything to go. All the best fighters tell you something too. All the best fighters say something. That when you're in public and they're like a fight breaks out. I'm talking about world-class fighters that go, I try to leave.

Because he doesn't want to get into a fight. He was old and feeble. Yeah, they don't want to be in a street fight. He was old and feeble. Okay. I mean, if he were a younger guy, I definitely would have been like, oh, okay. Like, play stupid, dumb bitch. Yeah, you got to read the room. I mean, old guy, okay. But still, old guys can murder you. Listen, our kids could have pickaxed him to death. You give Ellis... By the way, we found the pickaxe. It is so dangerous. They're so big, and he could barely lift it. You didn't get that? No, no. I got something that looks like a pickaxe. Did he try to get it? Of course.

Of course. He's like, I want the pickaxe, mom. It's so heavy. I'm like, you can't even lift this. And he was crying about, I want the pickaxe. I can't get you a pickaxe. And then people listen to you as you're trying to be like, I can't get you a pickaxe. And then our other son was dressed as a police officer that day. He had me buy him a policeman costume. And so he's walking around dressed like that.

And then Ellis was like, I want a pickaxe. He came into my room with the police shades on. And he goes, hey, you're in trouble. So cute. And I was like, oh, shit. And he took his nightstick. Yeah. And he started hitting me. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm white. What are you doing? Take it easy, man. But then he cuffed me anyway. Yeah, yeah, teacher. Sweet kid. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.

- Oh shit. - This is really full, so. - Okay, here mommy. - Double shot latte. - Beautiful, thank you. - This is a double shot iced. - We already go way back. This is Christina, I don't know if you've met. - Yes. - I met you, yes. - Nice to meet you officially. - Yes, I'm so excited for this, Caitlin. Cheers. - Let's get old. - I'm gonna have a sip. - Me too. - I'm getting fired up. Let's go, lightning. That's good. Is this your special YMH blend? - It's not, no, so it's our light roast.

But you know what I love about this? It's caramelly. - Natural caramel, chocolate notes in there. - Yeah, it's actually like a really, really easy espresso drink. Wow, that's good. - It's nice and smooth, not bitter. - No, not bitter. - That's the way we roasted it for people who maybe don't like the sharpness of espresso. It's got arabica and robusta beans, so it's sweet and strong. - Oh, it's really good, Caitlin. Thank you. - Let's go. - That is really easy to drink.

Wow. Delicious. You killed it. What is mine? Iced oat latte. Okay. Classic. Classic. Double shot in there. You know, so the thing I've been getting in, maybe we should save it for the pot. Yeah, let's talk. I'll tell you, I'll throw coffee in the pot. All right. And I got you guys your coffee. Yes. Had to. Had to. This is amazing. Oh, and hate from Australia. Had to. Had to. That was the classic.

That's awesome. I got a bunch of Clip Street we can airdrop later. Okay. Perfect. So exciting, Caitlin. Ready in Chumash. And we are back and we are overjoyed to welcome this guest all the way from Toronto, Canada. You know her as Cece on Silence. Nothing but buckets of hate from Austin, Texas. It is Caitlin Campbell, everybody. Let her hear it.

She made it. You made it. I'm excited. Thank you. So excited. You're here. Your coffee is so good. We just had your drinks. Thank you. You're a, you're a coffee maker. Yes. I'm a coffee roaster and I own a coffee trailer in Toronto.

What's the trailer called? So I roast the coffee and serve it. So my coffee is just called Street Brew. Street Brew. And is it the type of thing, because coffee trucks, food trucks, all the trucks are huge here in Austin. Do you pick different locations? Do you move around the city? We go to one farmer's market every Sunday, and then we move around on Saturdays.

And what about during the week? We're not open during the week, actually. Damn. What? We could be for sure, but we want to maximize profit. So rather go to busy events on weekends than possibly lose money during the week. Okay. You're so smart. But if that demand picks up enough, then it does make sense too, right? Yeah, we'll do a lot of private events. We'll do like weddings. We did pop-ups at Google in Toronto, TikTok in Canada. Yeah.

So we do that kind of stuff during the week. So that's just more profitable. But yeah, if the demand's there, I'm always down for more pop-ups. Now tell us this, because I'm a big, I would say I'm a coffee enthusiast for many, many years. And my palate has changed dramatically.

throughout the years. I've had different drinks that I was, I thought this is my drink for life and then it evolves and it changes. - Totally fair. - So the two things that I was, the two things I'm into the most right now in coffee are just espressos. I get single and double espressos at random hours of the day. And then I also am a big cold coffee drinker. So I get cold brews, nitro cold brews, I'm a big fan of. I usually add a splash of oat milk. I like them on ice.

But I don't know any of the sophistication about an espresso. What should I look for? What should I know about an espresso to kind of up my knowledge of it? Oh, that's a great question. That's a really good question. I'd say if you're going to a shop or a roastery that knows what they're doing, their espresso shouldn't be bitter.

So if you're getting an overly bitter taste from your coffee, probably wasn't roasted the best. Okay. Probably over-roasted. Because I don't like an overly bitter one. Yeah. So our espresso actually has Arabica and Robusta beans. So like...

I'd say 90% of coffee is Arabica beans. But if you throw in the Robusta, if you're espresso, it gives you a nice smoothness instead of the bitterness. Okay. So I should, basically you're just like with most things, you're looking for quality ingredients. Absolutely. Yeah. So the best, the best roasters will have a good espresso. And look for like a small craft roaster if you can. Okay. The big roasters roast to consistency instead of quality. And did you always have a love for coffee or is this something that you've learned? Let's go.

You've learned about over time. Yeah, it's something I completely learned about. People are always surprised. Like I never worked in coffee and never worked at a coffee shop before this. My dad loves coffee. He's loved coffee since I was a little kid. Just always, always drinking it. And he was like, I think we should start a coffee company. And I didn't like coffee growing up. Really? Your dad said this? This is all dad. That's cool. Well, not all dad, but it was his idea to start a coffee company. Now,

Now, real coffee nerds, and I consider you one, because I've seen this and I've been to places, you guys will even sometimes do things where I don't even know how to explain it, but there's like a slow pour, like not your standard brew, waiting and it slowly drips, right? Like what is that process called? It's a pour over. A pour over. Yeah, a pour over coffee. What's happening with a pour over? It's so good. So you're pouring hot water over the grounds and it's going through and extracting it.

Depends on the type of pour over. There's conical pour overs, flat bottom pour overs. Flat bottom usually gives you a sweeter coffee. Depending on how thick the filter is, depends on how much flavor you're going to get out of it. And it changes the taste of the coffee. Absolutely. Yeah, it's completely different from a special one. I had one in Japan. Okay. And it was excellent. Yeah, they have amazing coffee over there. Caitlin, I have a question for you. I've heard a lot of coffee enthusiasts say that Starbucks...

is crap because they over roast their beans. What's your take on that?

We owe a lot of third wave coffee success to Starbucks. So no animosity there. They started the third wave coffee movement. Without them, local roasters like me wouldn't exist. But yeah, they definitely over roast their beans because they're roasting to consistency. Right. There's thousands of shops, so they can't focus on the quality. They just have to make sure the beans are okay. Their ice, like their straight up ice coffee is, I don't think it's even... Their ice lattes, yeah. It's very bitter. It tastes very, very bitter. And usually pretty weak.

Yeah. You know, I will say they don't know how to make a macchiato properly. That is also very true. Because I ordered one yesterday and it was like espresso and then a lot of milk. And I'm like, that's a latte, bro. Absolutely. That's a latte, bro.

Come on, bro. What are you doing? And I fucking threw it right back in her face. As you should. As you should. Expect nothing less. I've assaulted a few baristas. We need a barista PSA over here. Hell yeah. So, you know, we found, you saw what we found. We found this video that went viral. Yes. And I think you've met a lot of people from our community have come over and joined. It's been awesome. One of the things that caught my attention the most was like,

You were getting, I guess, roasted. On the daily. Yeah, yeah. In the comments for seemingly just doing nothing but living life. You're not wrong. And you handle it so well. You handle it so graciously. So first of all, when did it pick up? There had to be a time where you were just like,

Hey, that's just what I'm doing and no one's really taking notice, right? Was there a tipping point? Yeah, so I started posting on TikTok first. Instagram's kind of new to the scene. I only started last year. But I've been on TikTok for three years now.

Okay. And from the moment I started posting on TikTok, I was met with hate and trolls and negative comments. Really? The moment I started posting. You're like, here's some coffee. Yeah. And they're like, I hate you. And just like, destroyed. And when I first started, it definitely, definitely like really bothered me. Because like, in real life, people aren't jerks like that mostly. This is a very important point to make. Yeah. Because we all experience this. You know, like we're performers. We have this show. We have specials. And like,

You get everything, right? You get praise. You get celebrated. People tell you you're the greatest. It's also, by the way, an extreme reaction that you shouldn't indulge in too much. People are like, you're the best. But then you get the other side of it, which is just hate. But the truth is, sometimes even our buddy Bert will be like, it's not real. And I think what he means is, the way I understand it, is none of that really...

into the real world. Like I leave here, no one says shit to me that they will gladly say in their comments. It's like it's its own little bubble. Yeah, and that's kind of one of the things I always say. I've never met a hater in real life. Every person that's ever come up to me has been like, love your content or love what you do. Never met a hater in real life. And you know that some of those motherfuckers are the ones who write you that crazy shit. But in person, they change up real quick. But I want to say, which is,

What's so wonderful about you and something I wish I had is the ability to like not let it get to you. And I again, again, Tom and I have been doing this for like 20 years. I don't read the comments section for a reason. I'm too sensitive for it.

It's a brutal place. I owe a lot of it to my dad. Because when I first started on TikTok, it did start to get to me. And like, obviously, my dad, he's a protective parent. He doesn't want to see that. And he didn't want to see me upset. So he kind of sat me down. He's like, you have two choices. Keep posting content and ignore the trolls, ignore the haters and go out there and win or stop posting content and do something else. Because I don't want to see this affecting you mentally. And I was like, well, that's a bad idea.

bad take but I was like well I don't want to lose so I'm going to keep posting content and do my own thing and I'm so glad I did because it changed my life it changed my small business you push through the pores and you just keep on going and you just keep rocking it and it's just like like we were saying it's not reality I know who I am as a person I'm very confident in who I am I have a great support system that's awesome very close circle of people and they can call me on my BS and they're more than allowed to and if you're not in my close circle I'd

Don't really care about your opinion that cheaply. Good, good way. And we should also say, we should tell the folks how we started our day. Yes. You and I. Grinding. We went to the gym. Yes. We got a workout in. We did. What the fuck did you do this morning? I did. I slapped. Slacker. But I was up at 5 a.m. with our sick child, remember? Yeah, that's bullshit. God. We were doing real stuff. Yeah. Let's do weights. That's right. We were doing squats. Must be nice. Kettlebells. Yeah, must be nice. Like you could have gotten in there with us. You could, no?

I lift now, Tom. Okay. I do. I lift weights. Proud of you. Yeah. Wait, so, I don't think it says you have trauma injury, you traumatic brain injury. I do, yeah. I've had two traumatic brain injuries. What? You've had two traumatic brain injuries? What happened? Yeah, so the first one, I was in grade 11 when I was playing hockey, got cross-checked and punched in the head and knocked unconscious. And that was just...

They never even like really classified it. It was just severe head trauma. So I had to stop playing hockey, literally just laid in bed for six months. Couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't walk, any of those things. Six months in bed? Six months. Yeah. Wow. It was like the, obviously the worst experience and-

Doctors just told my parents that like, hey, there's a real chance she never recovers. Like she'll never walk again. She'll never go to school. She'll never hold down a job. Like be super prepared for this. This is probably what the future is going to be. Thankfully, my parents didn't listen. They were like, okay, we think, you know, we are believers. We're Christians. So my parents like, I think,

Everything's going to be okay. And I went to brain injury rehab and relearned to walk and talk and pulled through and recovered. And then I started coaching hockey when I was in college. And I blew an edge one day and smashed the entire side of my face off the ice and ended up fracturing my skull. So I had to go. Second time. And both hockey related. Both hockey related. But you weren't playing the second time? Correct. Just coaching.

And how does that injury happen? So I blew an edge, like I was turning a corner and just smashed my head off the ice and fell. And fractured your skull. Fractured my skull, yeah. Did you stay off the ice after that? Yes, I have not stepped foot on ice since, which is probably a good idea. And what were the consequences of that injury? Kind of same thing. Not as extreme as the first one in all seriousness. Jesus Christ. In terms of the symptoms. But yeah, I went back to brain injury rehab, yeah.

Dude. So it's been a journey. Well, I imagine, I mean, relative to having those two experiences, some negative comments ain't shit. Exactly. You can overcome just about anything at this point. Yeah, you've been through it. Yeah, if you've been through that, I mean. And young, too. My goodness. You're only 30. I was 21 or 22 the second time. Oh, my gosh. So. F all the haters, dude. Yeah. Big time. Machines within, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's crazy. God damn, Caitlin. Good for you. Thank you. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it's, you know, here's the thing. Like, it's fun to see somebody navigate what you are like going through the way you do. Thank you. Cause I was telling, we're talking today that like,

Like, she always says that, like, I will every once in a while act out and provoke people. Yeah. You know? It's your fun. And then I'm like, oh, a bunch of people are mad at me. He loves that. He just loves it. I mean, it is kind of fun. That's why I, like, put donuts and, like, eat unhealthy meals in the vlogs. Yeah. Because it triggers people. It triggers people up. I'm like, I'll fall for it every time, but I'm going to keep doing it. But she was... We were talking about you this morning, and she was like, you know, she was saying how...

She's like, I wouldn't be able to, you know, how does she how does she handle this? And I was like, you know, I have to say from what I've seen, the people you engage with, you never you never go into like a like a fuck you angle. Right. I always see you kind of go like almost like a positive spin on it. And it's it's actually very, you know, it's kind of inspiring to see like somebody go.

like not take it to a place like where it would get like angrier right you just kind of all the air kind of leaves the whole thing when when you go like how would you even know what i'm doing today like you know it's it's a it's a nice thing to see smarter way of doing smart yeah i should say that it's much smarter thank you appreciate that i've i've never done that nope no you don't i mean you're much probably more fun to be honest i tend to to take things to a

Tom and I are not bright when it comes to confrontation. I don't go, what's the smart way out of this? No, neither do I. Full force right in there. How much trouble can I cause? Yeah, I just go, how much trauma can I create with this moment? Yeah, and then it goes on for days. It's just a whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah. People call me. Everything all right? Yeah. Friends reach out. You doing okay, man? No, they reach out to me. Like, is Tom doing well? I saw this thing. And I'm like, I don't know. He's fine. He's enjoying every minute of it. My mom called me one time. Really? Yeah. She was like, is everything okay at the studio? Because he seems like angry, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Damn, Tom. What time was it? It was the airport. That's what I got called for, too. Yeah, the airport time. Yeah. So avoid airports. Yeah, airport. I got a lot of airport calls. Yeah. People don't realize how happy I was during the airport tweets, though. See, that's the thing. You're always happy off screen. They were like, 10.

I'm like tantrum. I was sitting in a first class seat, sipping a diet Coke, just going like, la la la cunt, you know, like there was no like, sounds like you were living your best life. I was having a good time. Everyone's worried about you. Everybody else was like, are you okay? Are you in jail? Well, I think there is something joyful to gaslighting somebody like with much like my story with the hardware store and being like, Oh, I know you're mad at me, bitch. Like it's,

It's what we do. And to be honest, some people need to be brought down, you know? Yeah. Brought down and pegged in like, that fucking bitch definitely needed to be fucking... You fucking told her, bitch. I told her what's up. I told her, you should see, what people don't know is what the DMs are like between me and American Airlines. They are fucking fire. Like...

i got i got someone i got someone to weep via text really yeah they're like i'm crying yeah she she it was you could just i'll show them to you and you'll be like holy yeah you broke this person wow but also you know that did something for my soul yeah i mean like

Eat, pray, love. I have to say, I'm very aroused by that. Yeah. I mean, I like that about you though. I straighten these fuckers out. And I also, you know, it's my baby daddy right there. I love it. They didn't know that I was so, I was so well aware of the, of the, of the, um,

the regular standard and also of the aircraft so i cited like aircraft things and then i was like you know i'm full out i've been flying with the same bag for two and a half years you stupid like and and then i i just every time i flew with it after i was like see see how it fits you think you can fit this thought in your dumb head

I got Miles too. They gave me Miles. Really? Yeah. That's another thing people want. A little light back. Awesome. Yeah. I got to start a war. Anyway, don't take my approach. You're sweeter. Don't do that. This works for me. But what I'm saying is like people like me need to see people like you and be like, oh, wow, there's another way.

Don't have to destroy them. I do actually really enjoy it. I actually really enjoy it. And I actually, I was very proud of you. You worked out really hard today. Thank you. Wanted to put in work. You did put in real work. We got after it. We did. I was like, I don't want Tom to make fun of me, so we're going to put some work here. We worked hard. We were pouring sweat. We were. All the trolls. I do sweat. Yeah, you're sweating hard. Sean pushed us. We had a good trainer. Yeah.

I need a Sean in my life. I know, right? He's the best. He's the best. But what I told you is what I... I told you like... I do what I can and I have gotten better at this thing and I want you to keep doing it too. Yeah. And what I told you is...

I think the best thing I always tell people who ask me like, oh, you know, fitness seems to be something you're into now. I'm like, yeah, it is. It's addictive, but it's also structure. I think structure is a big deal. Laying out a plan. Wait, laying out a plan. It doesn't have to be as intense as like maybe having whatever a Sean can provide, but it's like,

a written out plan. Like this is what I do. You know what I mean? That's what like we meal prep. Wow. You know what I mean? Like we, we have like, this is a cardio day, this weightlifting day. And the more structure you have, the better chance you have of getting great results. For sure. So I hope you keep with it. I think it's a great thing that you're pursuing it. Thank you. Yeah. I'm excited. I love working out. I genuinely do. I believe you. I love punching things. Yeah. We talked about this earlier. So. Yeah, it feels good. Boxing is so much fun. It's awesome. It just helps your mental health. Yeah, it does. It's like,

With all the trolls, all the comments, all that stuff, just turn it off and go in the gym. Get ripped on coffee first. Amen. Drink your espresso. Have some coffee and crush a workout. I have some. There was a point. So when my first or second job in LA, I worked the graveyard shift. You remember those days? Yeah, it was terrible. In post-production. Yeah. And so my shift was 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. Brutal. Brutal.

You guys ever do graveyard? It's so fucking rough. Yeah, I have. It's so rough. And at one point, I was having 12 cups of coffee. You know what I mean? And I used to not figure out why I was shaking. Like I was like, something's up with me, man. My hand's shaking. I have diarrhea all day. I'm a nervous wreck.

And it was just like, do you limit your intake? I do two a day. Yeah. That's smart. I do ice in the morning. Or sorry, hot in the morning, ice in the afternoon. Smart. Yeah. When I worked at Starbucks in the summer of 1997, I was drinking coffee all day and I must have dropped like 10 pounds. Really? It was the skinniest I've ever been. It was the best.

But I lived off of Madelines. I'd steal them and coffee. And it gets so gacked all day long. And one day this boy OD'd on coffee. He drank too much. We had to lay him down in the back and like talk him down. It's dangerous, dude. That's crazy. People get fucking wild on coffee. I know. Anything says cap, I could tell by his face. Come on, man. What? Get your ass up. You know what I'm saying? Coffee. Those are rookie numbers right there. Hey, espresso you drink? By the way, how many people say expresso? A lot.

- Do you ever correct them? - No. - You should. - I don't do confrontation, as you can tell by my comments. - Can you do this though? Can you just put a sign somewhere in the truck where the S is underlined twice? - I should, on our menu. Refuse anyone that says X. - I saw the best, I have it somewhere. I saw a photo from a cafe in Italy where it said, "Please, it's espresso, there is no X."

There is no X. There's no X. And also, I would have a ton of animosity towards anybody that ordered decaf. I feel like it's such a waste. What are you doing? Get the fuck out of here. It's a good decaf now, though. Nope, stop. I don't defend this.

Do you serve decaf? Not on our trailer. See, there's a reason. I don't have enough equipment. Yeah, and you don't have enough. If there was a ton of demand, it makes sense. Yeah, we get asked that maybe three times. For that one fucking jackass who's like, oh, I want a decaf. Most people are like, fine, it's early enough. I'll have the caffeine. Yeah, come on. It's the proper move. That's the move. So what are the big plans for you guys? Well,

I think like, so we are a social enterprise coffee company. We work with homeless charities in Toronto to give back. We roast probably right now between 1,500 and 2,000 pounds of coffee a week that goes just to street outreach in Toronto. So by us doing that, that frees up a part of their budget for more important things, more food, helping people transition out of homelessness. We're freeing up a little bit of that budget. That's nice. We didn't want to just be another coffee company. We wanted to be a coffee company that did good.

I love that. Do you realize you're the only good person that's ever been on this show? Yeah, I think so. That's... Just trying to make the world a better place. That's so lovely. And let's talk about what you have here for us. Yeah. What do we have here? So I had to, had to make two special coffees for you. So we got your mom's house coffee and then the hate from Australia, which is actually Australian coffee. So a nice blend of Australian coffee. Oh my gosh. You know, I don't know. Have you traveled the world at all? I've never been to Australia. Yeah.

So growing up, as with a lot of people, you learn of certain cultures that are big with coffee. Yeah. So you always hear about Italy, Spain, and I think the Turks, right? Those three for me was like at least what I was like. Turkish people, Spanish people, and Italian people. Coffee, coffee, coffee. That's where coffee is. First time I went to Melbourne, Australia, I didn't realize that this is one of the great places

coffee culture cities of the world. It's crazy. Now they also have a fucking huge Italian population. So that should be noted, but their coffee there is unbelievable. And you walk around and it's just every place you stop at has a better, you know, another great cup of coffee. And so it became a coffee trip for us. And then I always made note of that. I had, um,

this coffee called Seven Seeds. Oh my God. That I brought home. Reminds me of your coffee, Caitlin. It's so good. When I drank it, I was like, this tastes like I'm drinking a cup of butter. It was so good, so smooth. Australia is the only place Starbucks can make it work. Wow. Really? Because they're so intense about their coffee. They are. They don't fuck around. It's Melbourne especially. That's really where it's hardcore.

It's awesome. Excuse me. Melbourne. You didn't say it right. Melbourne. Melbourne. Got roasted for that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, all right, I will never pronounce it wrong again. Well, I mean, it's also like, come on, fuck off, mate. We're not Western. We have our own way of saying things too. So anyway, this is such, this is so hilarious. Hey from Australia. We had to. That concept, by the way, is so funny. Yeah.

I get it by the way, now I get it in every single thing I post. Do you really? Oh yeah, buckets of hate from Detroit or whatever it is. It's just, yeah. It's the craziest thing. I don't know where, because it had to originate from somewhere. The idea that somebody is sending hate is so, so funny as an idea. My fear is don't believe the positive comments. That's a great one. Jesus Christ. That's another good one. I just was trying to back it. Have any of these ever really made you laugh? Because some of them are very funny. I don't know.

Off the top of my head, I don't know. Your comments on Hate From Australia, that did it. That was amazing. That was hilarious. Ignore the positive comments. Ignore the positive comments. That's a very funny take on things. I know you're reading this. Don't pay attention to the positive things.

dope it and then the funny thing is the people that are like hate from Australia or leaving ruthless comments are in my DMs and they're like I'm actually a fan by the way well now but here's the thing now ever since all this hate means love so a lot of people like some of the comments I get now are like

you know, hate from Orlando. Can't wait to see you next week. You know what I mean? Like great. Love that. No, I think people have really, do you think that your interaction maybe has fueled some of this, right? I mean, cause it is this weird anomaly that you're just like this sweet coffee lady homeless people. Yeah. And they're like, we fucking hate you. You suck. You piece of shit. People just don't like happy people. But no, but maybe they like that you're interacting. I mean, maybe that have, yeah,

But it ultimately led to your success. It's also increasing your engagement. Yeah, I'm just trying to engagement bait. That's my goal. The thing with, even before all this started with like the trolls, they'll comment back like crazy. Yeah. That's why you got to feed it. They'll just keep coming back and coming back and coming back and coming back. And I'm like, all right, I'll ride this to the moon. No problem. Caitlin's smart. Good for you, buddy. They don't like to lose arguments, so. No. You're so smart. Yeah.

What you got, babe? Nothing. No, no. I was just, you know, I'm very, I'm very excited that, that like you were able to come here. Yeah. Thank you. This is super fun. Um,

I thank you for bringing this coffee too. So sweet. We so love this. Tell people all the places. I mean, I know obviously we've pushed it on this show, but tell people everywhere they can find you. All right. So on Instagram, cc underscore unsilenced. My coffee company is called Street Brew. So street.brew on Instagram. And then I'm cc.campbell on TikTok. And I'm cc.campbell on Instagram.

And if you're in Toronto, where is that, where's that street brew truck usually parked or? Yeah. So from May to, I think it's the first week of November this year, we're at Greenwood park in Toronto. So one 50 Greenwood Avenue where they're from nine to two. Um,

We make like 600 coffees a day. Nice. We have a lot of YMH fans in Toronto. Toronto's huge. You're coming there, right? Soon? I am. I haven't announced it, but it's going to be it. Oh, my bad. That's all good. No, no, no, no. Spoiler alert. No, I like it. I like that you're saying it, actually. But I'll announce a big show. I hope you come to the show. It'll be fun. It'll be fun. It'll be fun. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Karen. And you guys. Thank you, guys. Tons and tons of hate, and we'll be right back. Yes. Give me all the hate. So funny. I have to have your attitude.

I can't live here because I would die. Yeah, that's true. Don't die. Yeah. I don't know how you guys do it. Well, you guys are like parents. Yeah. Just don't die. Once a week I go to mothership and I drink so much and I laugh so much and I come home late and I can't sleep that night. It fucks up my whole week one night out. Exactly. We're getting old. Oh my God, I just went like this. Yeah. What does that mean? We have a big debate. Are we rolling? Yep. All right. We're back. All right.

And you can get tickets to see the You Don't Say Tour right now at MarkNormanComedy.com. It's Mark Norman, everybody. He's back. Hey, good to be here. Can I say it's an honor to follow Kim Jong-un or whoever you have in here. That was incredible. That...

woman is so cute. I just want to observe her. And very strong. Actually, I put my hand on her back to take the photo and she works out. I can see that. It's not a lie. Sturdy lady. We worked out this morning. That was the whole thing. Oh, you and her? Yeah, we worked out this morning. Wow. I just picture her flipping that big tire over. She did, dude. She can, bro. Yeah.

I believe it. So meaty. Yeah. She's a, yeah. She has a good coffee company. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, we, we just got, well, here's how we discovered her is that, um, you know, we, she,

She posts stuff like this, and we always play clips, you know? Welcome to the day in the life of a 29-year-old small business owner who makes coffee for a living, keeping it high and tight. You already know where we're headed first thing in the morning. One of my favorite places to the gym. I tried to be one of the first people here. I think we were the second person here today, but I'm still counting on that as a win. We're sticking on the grind, back to the consistency, doing all my favorite workouts, including some boxing. And today, we're going to mix it up a little bit. I'm going to hop on the treadmill. So you get the idea, though, right? Yeah.

It's that kind of thing. And then the reason we discovered this is that it seems like this totally benign video. And then we found that comments. Oh, no. Yeah. How can you be mean to this person? I know, but people are. Oh, yeah. It's like, you know, people started, like, we just used to find, you know. It's horrible. Yeah.

You know, these things. Fuckface3 says, you do not go to the gym. Stop lying. But the one that really broke me was stuff like this. Yeah, what is that? Hate from Australia. So, you know, people usually write like sending love from. And so I was like, sending hate is a very funny concept. Sure, sure. You know, just sending hate. We need hate cards. Yeah. It is coffee time, baby. So, yeah.

But anyway, it really blew up for her, and our fans just gravitated towards it. And she keeps making videos, and they keep commenting. She gets thousands of comments. Wow. She doesn't get like 40 comments. It'll be one of those videos we showed you, and it'll be like 3,800 comments. Yeah. And it's like, fucking hate from Houston. Ah.

But she's actually, you know, she's so sweet. So she kind of engages and plays with it. And then she came in. We worked out today. We had some coffee. I love it. She's super sweet. So she's like dealing with it and fighting back. Yeah. You know, her, but we actually talked about the idea. I was like, you know, like I go, I fight back if I do differently. Yeah. It'd be more like, you know, more confrontational. Sure. Direct. Yeah.

she's one of these people who can just, you know, they're like, you sure don't look like you work out. And she's like, well, I'm there every day. Like she's, she always spins it. Like a jujitsu. Yeah. Back on them. She keeps it very positive. That's a smart move. Cause then they go, ah, there's nothing here. Exactly. Yeah. I just favorite my haters. I just give them a like, damn it.

I wanted you to hate me and fight with me. And that also takes it out of them. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I do it with the wife too. And she's like, you did this. I'm like, I love you. She's like, I wanted to fight. That does work. I wish you would do that to me. It does work. That might work. If you're like, I love you, babe. I'd be like, that's all I want. Actually, no, that is. That's all I want. The person who I feel like

looks to provoke usually the most in my life is not you, luckily. Really? No, you're not a big... I'm not saying we never argue or have an issue. It's good to know, though. But do you feel like we argue all day? I feel like in the past when I was a younger, less self-aware person,

Woman, I would pick fights with you because I secretly wanted your attention. Right. And I would fuck with you. Like, like I start fights, but now that you, we have children, like there's not a lot of free time. Yeah. So when we are together, I just, I'm so broken down that all I do is just go like, I love you.

There's nothing left in me. Well, children are like when a country's going through war. It kind of just boils it down to what's important. You guys have kids, so you can't really fight about bullshit. It's like when there's a war, there's a lot less trans talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, pronouns are not the priority. It's like, well, there's famine right now. Right, right. Definitely. So do you and your wife, because you have no children yet, right? Not yet. We're working. So do you, so that's what I'm saying. When it's just the two of you, then it becomes more laser focused and I want attention, but then that's when we got dogs and then I would just go pet the dogs if I wanted attention. Because Tom's more of an avoidant type. I think a lot of men are. Yeah, especially comics. Love to hide. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So do you hide from your wife? All the time. But that's every man. Yeah. It's a hetero. Alpha. Well, what's the upside? Either I get yelled at or we have to hang out. Even if it's going great, it's still marriage. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. But yeah, I avoid all day and it's childish, but it's so easy. The tactic that I learned, this is like, again, it doesn't really, this doesn't apply to you. I learned about...

Because my mom is a provoker. She's a... You know what I mean? She pokes. Yes. And my whole life...

She would say the thing and I would just be like, what? And then I would take it, respond to it, and then it's her. And then there's this thing she's getting, I think, from the engagement, like the fight is building. And it took me so long, like more than 35 years, to figure out when she goes, oh, you know, like your beard, why don't you like shave that? That I just go like, yeah, I might. It's a good idea. And all of a sudden she'd just go like,

And she looks for the next person. She's like, what about you? Yeah, well, that's what Twitter is. Is it not? It's just, hey, let's go at it.

Yeah, that's true. My mom was crazy and she was always looking for fights with me. And I would feel so bad because I didn't want to be around her. But then I realized, like, if I'm not there, she'll just fuck with someone else. Exactly. She'll go fuck with a neighbor, fuck with my stepdad, find people to torture. There used to be a lady during COVID who would go around, if you weren't wearing a mask, in the neighborhood, on the sidewalk. She would yell at you. But I noticed she wouldn't yell at black people. No.

who weren't wearing a mask because they would just shut it down. Yeah. You know, and I would go, yes, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll get one. And then she liked it. She's like, I got a live one here. Yeah. But the other guy would be like, fuck you, bitch. And she's like, okay, never mind. Breathe on me.

Fuck you, bitch. It takes extra balls to yell at a black person if you're not like that. Exactly. And then the Karen video comes out and now you're ruined. Speaking of black guys, check this out. Oh, please. I love chiropractic videos. And your surgeon told you don't go to chiropractic. Make your belly into a jelly. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm assuming you felt it go all the way down. Yeah, I felt it. Don't open up there, yeah? Yeah, I felt it. He's paralyzed. This could have saved Stephen Hawking. We don't know. Oh, wow. No cane? Oh, wow. God, this feels...

Isn't that great? Are you guys going to have him on next? I hope so. If he'll do this. Yeah. It's good to see Barkley up and at him again. But...

That's amazing. But do you think he has to do this every day? Because his body will just go back to it. Oh, yeah. You got to do it. Yeah, it doesn't just... No, it lasts for like a minute, right? That's what I heard about. You know, a massage that like, oh, the relief? Yeah. If you don't actually are active after it, everything resets. That's why you have to go back and get another one. So he needs to keep on walking to keep this channel open. Yeah, probably. Or just going to walk up again. Yeah, probably. It's like a Coke dealer. You got to get them coming back. That's right. Yep.

But it was fun to watch them make that noise. Yeah. This is what televangelists should do. Like, you know, just fake that you're a televangelist, but you're actually a chiropractor. Get the guy in the wheelchair, just snap him into place. Everybody's like, you're the fucking Messiah. You know, you saved lives. Yeah. There's also like really engaging videos I haven't shown you lately like this one. Uh-oh. That's breathing heavy. Yeah. This is amazing, Tom.

Yeah, this is a new lane you've been sending me on. Guys that don't know how it works. You sent me a guy yesterday who was breathing, just staring. You know what's crazy? This guy has one post, and I think he has like 140,000 followers. It's just this video. It looks like he's waiting for the Mothership website to load to buy tickets. Come on. I'm a big Rogan fan. Wow.

You realize how many people out there that are like this guy think that Joe is talking to them? I know. They're like, I just need to meet him. I just need to connect. Mentally. Yeah. We've all had that fan who writes to us. Of course. Yeah. You know, they're like, if we hung out, give me one chance. We'll get a beer. I guarantee we'll be friends for life. And you're like, oh.

Have you gotten the wedding invites? No. We get those weekly. Get out of here. Wedding invites. Also, will you officiate the wedding? I'm like, you don't want me to do that. You don't want me to make a joke of your... I did a wedding once. You did? The husband hired me and the wife hated me and I think I ruined the marriage. That's how it goes. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah, I'm doing fucking Gaza jokes in front of your holy macramé or whatever. It's a guy being like, this is going to be cool. Yes. Yeah, for a party. Exactly. If you and your boys were hanging out. This is a love thing. Dude, one time this guy wanted to hire me to roast at his wedding and he was Catholic marrying a Muslim woman and he was like, I want you to roast their family. I was like, are you fucking

crazy? I'm not going to ruin your wedding. No, that'll ruin itself. Yeah, and then I was like, I gave them a really high price. I was like, you know, like $50,000. Yeah. And then they don't write back. Ah, good. Yeah. That's a not a no. You never said no. Yeah. Well, with the Muslim wedding, hopefully you're the only one bombing. Sorry. Right there. I had to take it. You gotta take it, dude. Take it. Oh, this poor son of a bitch. Do you think he thought he was taking a photo?

Probably. Yeah. Because they all, he's got the cool guy lighting, the cool guy curtain. He's like the guy who leaves the light on the phone if that was a person. You know? Like who leaves the flashlight on the cell phone? Yeah.

So these guys, because we've been finding that these people, they're like, me and my girl, we went to Baghdad on our vacation. And you go and you're like, you know bad things can happen, right? And they have such a big smile on their face. This fucking guy has been to all 197 countries, and he lists his seven least favorite. Oh, wow. Right here. I can't wait.

Wuhan, Darfur, Chad. Number one, Chad. No shit. Nearly died twice. Nowru. Nowru, I don't even know where that is. Dark and eerie island. Okay. Okay. Three, Bahrain, extremely boring. Wow. I've been to Bahrain. Really? It is boring because there's no one around and it's hot as shit and you can't do anything. So yeah. That's why they're so angry. I mean, there's military bases there. That's it. Oh, I see. Yeah.

Gambia. Verbal harassment. Okay. I think that if you're registering it as like what you remember, it was probably pretty aggressive. Yeah. It wasn't just like, what are you doing? Go home, Yankee. It was probably like, we're going to kill you. Cameroon, beyond chaotic. You just see clits cutting off. It's like, all right, I got to get out of here.

Also, I'm surprised that he could find flags in the emoji section for these places. Yeah, good point. St. Vincent, overpriced, not a fan. Okay, I don't know where that is.

Wow. Sierra Leone. You know, a few of these are sort of similar. I don't know if you know. Some of your list kind of comes together. Scammed $300 at the border in Sierra Leone. Well, there's a reason. These are based on my own travel experiences. What are your least favorites?

Comment below. I got to go Wuhan. What else? Turkmenistan. Have you ever had a vacation just go terribly? Oh, I guess so. Yeah, I got a...

I got altitude poisoning on a ski trip. Yeah, I've been sick as shit. Nightmare. In Aspen. Brutal. I had to take fucking prednisone and just a break. I was sleeping with the 24-7 oxygen tank in the place, running. What? Yeah. And also, her eyes got swollen shut. And she was like, I think we gotta get out of here. And I was like, yeah, I think we probably should. Tom was like, what? And then he's like, let's go back. Yeah, I was like, stop being a fucking bitch. You know what I mean? Like,

- It's awesome there. - It was pretty, but I got really sick. - I think you could do it in the winter. - I don't want to, thank you. - I think you could do it in the winter and stop crying about it. - I don't think I want to. I don't wanna go back there ever. - Where were you? - Aspen. - Oh yeah. - It's up there. - I fucking hate Aspen. I hate it. I hate it there. - Really? - I had to go. - Wait, wait, no, no. You have to stop. Until this bullshit sickness

She was like, let's get a place here. This place is... I've been trying to correct that. I hate it. But you said it was a dream. You couldn't believe it. I had to go to LA to breathe. But you still... Whoa. You're not admitting that you did love it. I did love it before I was allergic to...

The city. Aspen. Yeah. We went to Tulum one time, remember, and you got very sick. I got the re-up pretty bad there. And it was cold at the same time, so you were out the whole vacation. But I don't blame Tulum. Mark, I don't think that...

The country of Mexico is to blame. Sure. And I had to vacation alone and find these nice Mexican guys. So many nice guys on the beach that talk to me and massage me. Jesus Christ. So wait, where was your altitude sickness? Upstate, like Portland, Michigan.

Oregon area. Okay. I was in, it's called the, I can't remember what it's called, the lodge or the mount, something like that. But yeah, brutal. I went drinking. Then when you're dehydrated, the next morning, I couldn't even move. You can't, I was like the black guy with the chiropractic. I was like hunched.

And it was the worst pain, the headache. It was crazy. I couldn't get out of bed. I had no movement. How long were you there for? I was probably there for five days, and that took up the last two. Did you take IVs? Because I was doing IVs every day, too. Oh, God.

Oh, God. I just wrote it out. No, I should have thought. Well, we were up in the middle of nowhere. We got like a cute cabin. Yeah. And we were on the range and we had nothing. No grocery. It was brutal. Oh, fuck. It was like a romantic thing. Yeah. And I couldn't get it up.

That's how Aspen is too. Aspen's just so rugged. Like there's nothing out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really rough. It's very rugged. It's rough. It's like Bel Air up in the fucking mountains. We've seen Dumb and Dumber. Yeah. All right. No, it was awesome. Yeah. It was awesome. It's a fun place. I'm allergic to it.

I'm just going to go with my friends. Go with your fucking gay friends. I did Mexico City for New Year's and the wife got the Montezuma. It is. Every 30 seconds it was just full on mudslide. Yeah. Crazy. Mexico City is pretty cool though, right? Great. I don't know why they're leaving. So they're fucking...

People don't know, I feel like, because you have an idea of what just all of Mexico must be like. I think a lot of people don't realize that Mexico City is like, this is a- It's a booming metropolis. This is a world-class city. Yeah. It has everything. Completely. It has everything. But it is a little weird. You got skyscrapers and all these great restaurants, but I can't drink the water? Yeah. It feels a little- Yeah. Yeah.

They're right. They're serious about that. You just won't. You need to get used to it. Is that what it is? Like the locals. I mean, they all drink it. Maybe give yourself a few months to get used to the internal parasites. But that's like getting your venom tolerance up. You need to have a couple sips at a time. Yeah. She got it from ice. Yeah. That's right. I've had it too. Usually what gets them. Yeah. All right. But yeah. Yeah.

The ice will get you or the watering, the washing the lettuce. Yeah. The produce. It's also seafood. You know what else too? When we were in South Africa, I would wake up with diarrhea at two in the morning every time because we would eat after shows and they would eat the salads, the tomatoes and the lettuce. And then I'd get the Riyadh. I think it was the produce. But so tasty. So good. That's why I stay away from salads. Yeah. You're in the right city for it. I've done it so much worse. You're going to fart in that pot. Oh, shit.

and put it back. Okay. Oh, that's fun. I love this trick. Seal it, seal it quick. Wow. She's pretty cool, huh? She is my friend. Yeah, that's cool. I think she's working your front desk. I know.

That's two inside. You got to put a photo of the secretary. Yeah, we will. She's awesome. Very cool. Yeah, sweet Mayonna. Now, can we sniff that pot? Yes. Can I tell you something? So in college, we used to sit around and open film canisters and fart in them and seal them. The little black ones. Yes. Yeah, that works. And we would sit in a circle and the next person would open it, smell it. Yeah, it was so much fun. We brailed them. You can.

mail this. You can send the smell. Hilarious. You're like, oh, I'll send some family photos. Yeah.

So I think theoretically, the only problem is it's a large space for the containment. The film canister is a nice small space. So I don't know. And add more of a seal, like an airtight seal. That's a loose metal top. Those, you know, those mason jars with the clamp. Those are great to fart in. Perfect for farting. If you're at home and you're thinking about what should I fart in, I got to recommend the mason jar. See, these kids with your interwebs and your TikToks, you never had to find fun and fart in objects.

We got to see if Niana's done this. This would be great. Oh, yeah. We could do a side-by-side comparison. She's doing it. Anyone else hard? There's something kind of hot about farting in a pot. She's a fun girl. She's fun. Definitely. You're not going to see Sidney Sweeney doing that. No. Or if you did, would it be a deterrent?

No, it's a plus. Yeah. Because it shows she's down. She's so fun. Those big naturals. She's got great big naturals. And they can't not showcase them all the time. I know. Tits are back, baby. Yeah. She's stunning. I'll ask for a minute. I feel like the whole country is going back to the old days. The important things. Marriage is up. Religion is up. Tits are up. Yeah, that's good. That's like the 50s was all about tits. Oh. Yeah.

Big tit decade. Yeah. Big tit decade. I like it. I'm for it. I'm tits. So I'm in team tits. Oh, great. There you go. Because that's all I got. I don't have asses. Here's team ass right here. Buying two airplanes. Holy shit. Airplanes are too small for big people. It's 2024. All these are changing. So planes should too. I won't lose my butt to fit on a plane. So give me another solution or just make the seats bigger. If she farted in a pot, it would just melt. Oh.

T-1000 on us. She takes dumps. Do you think that's a real butt or is that plastic surgery? I mean, her waist is very small. Her face is actually, you know, like a lean face. It's strange, right? Now, I have a theory because, you know, you see the door flew off that Alaska flight? Yeah.

If that happens, we could just put her ass and seal it. And seal the door. Oh my God, you're right. You're totally right. Look at the fucking size of this thing. Yeah. That's wild. It's making some guys dick harder. Oh, people love that shit. I mean, right here, you have no idea. No. You have no idea what you're looking at, you know? Damn. God. I guess if she was next to you, you could use it as a beanbag. You could sleep on it. Is she mixed?

Gotta be. Right? You mean you wouldn't last a minute? You like that? I think I would not pretty fast with that thing bouncing up and down. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Geez, I didn't realize you were such a tushy guy. Well, he's a tushy guy.

He's a red-blooded American male. I'm a man. I'm alive. Times are changing, sister. No one's going to last on this, by the way. All right. No. When you watch it and it's waving up and down, it's like ripples. It's hypnotic. Yeah. The ocean. Yes. Thank you. I don't need to hear anymore. Are you good? I'm good. And then you're like, oh, shit. Okay. I feel sick. Thank you. I'm so sorry. Can you not tell me how hard you nut? Oh.

In this Panamanian girl's tight Latin puss. Stop. I'm going to throw up. You've got to have a special toilet, too. Her bandana is just like a fire hose. Yeah, dude. It's a hydrant. That ass is fucking enormous. Oh, yeah. I've been to it. But I don't think society should accommodate the one person with the anomaly. No, no. That's ridiculous. No. Yeah, that ass should have to pay. Yeah, that's a...

Go to first class or just buy two economies. You shouldn't give her the seat. Of course not. She should have to buy them. She'll be flying private soon once she fucks Nick Cannon. So it's all going to end well. He's like, am I 19th, baby? Mama, this chick. The big booty airline Fendi chick. This guy we found. What's going on?

Well, he's eating with his face and then you realize he's got a leash on. What? Yeah, he's got a leash. He's got a collar and a leash on. See? The leash just fell. Yeah, I got it. What the hell? We're looking for his owner. Where's his owner? He's an abandoned pup. Oh, I hate a puppy that doesn't have a home. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. And here's the thing, once again, it's never a woman. No. No.

Isn't that funny though? Cause I've been, I've been trying to talk about this on a stage, how there's no real behavior that is exclusive to one gender, but this kind of shit, you just almost never see. Depravity. Yeah. That's true. You never see the one, like we get all these videos, maybe like one out of a thousand as a woman. Yeah.

It's crazy that it's so much happening. It's just men. Because you think men fist fight, but women fist fight. There's millions of videos of that. All the time. But this, you're right. This is purely male. It's very male. Yeah. Yeah. But does he think he's a dog? I guess he's eating like a dog. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we've had guys licking boots on subways because their mistress told them to. So I'm thinking this is a mistress dom situation. She told him to go out like that. Or she's like, go eat like a dog. Where's Michael Vick when you need him?

Yeah. Let's get this guy in the ring. It's very... And he's not... Life as a GP is really, really busy. It's tiring. It's exhausting. Is this a Cairo video? He's a doctor during the day. And then recreationally, he's in the love way. Which we featured on this show many times. My animal just happens to be a bit more German Shepherd. Yeah.

Oh, there's the bootlicker. Oh, God. It's hard to watch. Jesus. There's mud on the bottom. Oof. That one's rough. Mighty. That one's rough. You know what? Oh, my God. This just brought to mind. Can you play what we had made for Joe? Joe. Brogan?

Yeah. By the way, so we were just talking about this. You said you finally did this. Yeah, I tried it. When you say when somebody goes one or two, how do you? Yeah, that's normal. So one of my friends said he pulled people after this was on the podcast at a bar and he said that a lot of men did this way.

Oh, really? Yeah. Because she always makes fun of me for doing this. Oh. Because it's three. I'll show the back of the hand. Yeah, interesting. I don't know. I don't do that. I feel like it's dismissive and rude. Hey, one. It's aggressive. Yeah. Why one? It's showing you my hand, my wrist, I'm open. I think the opposite's aggressive. If I was just like one, it feels... Oh, a little pointer. You, hey, look over there. It's diminishing. Mm-hmm.

You fucking bitch, look over there. It's also like the bird. Yeah, the bird is the back of the hand. So hold on. So Bert and I contacted this guy and told him that Joe had signed a new Spotify contract. And we paid him to make a congratulations video. So here's the video. Here you go. Okay, let's see. Congrats on your podcast, Joe Rogan. Here's to many more insightful episodes. Been a fan since NewsRadio.

- Hey, that's fun. - It is fun, right? - Uncut. - Have you sent this to him? - Oh yeah, I sent it to him. - Did he love it? - This is actually a screensaver. - Oh shit. - Oh no. - I don't know. The second part. - Oh, we were having a good time. - No, we still are. - Oh God. - I know what's happening next. - Oh, I thought he was gonna shit on the bread. - No. - Thank God. - Oh, I shit on the bread.

God damn it. What's with the cup? It's to catch the pee. The pee. Oh, son of a bitch. He's gotta keep tidy. I can't watch this. Well, hold on. This is horrifying. Hold on. I'm gonna fucking- Oh! You didn't show this to the fat lady before me. Ah, you saved it. Ah, is he gonna eat the shit sandwich? Ah! I can't look away. No! No!

Oh, man. I'm going to die. Anyways, congratulations, Joe, on your new Spotify deal. I'm eating Torchy's tacos after this. Those are delicious. Those are. You got to get to the cheese with the chorizo. We're good. Thank you. I got the chili con queso. The fucking, what's that called? The queso with the chorizo. That was unreal. Honey, what do you think of that?

I'm fucking mad, man. I thought we were done with this bullshit, man. You ain't telling me. God damn it. That was horrifying. The bootlicker looks like Guy Fieri eating diners and drives after that. That's pretty rough, man. But I'm always amazed at the timing that this guy, I mean, this was one continuous take.

he didn't pause it and then go, hold on, I feel a shit coming on. He was like, hey, Joe Rogan, congratulations. Good point. One minute. And like the timing of it. So did he feel the poo coming on? Yeah, he was ready. He knew he was ready to do it. But it's runny too to get at that consistency. Yeah.

and spreadable. And he hit that bread like a bullseye. He hit the bread perfectly, spread it, cut a sandwich, none of it even fell out, and then he ate. Yeah. I mean, and it swirled like a dog turd, like he got it perfectly on there. I couldn't do that. Well, to be fair, we paid him a fortune to do that. Money well spent. Yeah. You want to know how much? Please. $85. That's a lot.

Now that's a deal. Damn, yeah, he nailed it. That was like the kitchen scene in Goodfellas. Just one shot. They nailed it. I feel sick. I wish you wouldn't have been out right now. I know, I actually regret it too. I want to puke. I want to think about that when I'm doing Lauren Compton's pod. That'll keep me not hard. Damn, dude.

Oh, fuck. That was wild. Yeah. You know the two girls, one cup is fake? Yeah, yeah. What? It came out as fake. Yeah, that's fake. And that changed the internet forever. It did. Oh, huge. That was pivotal. That was like, oh, this is what's possible? Yeah. It was like the moon landing. Yes. It was 9-11. Next you're going to tell me one guy, one jar is fake. No, that's very real. What's that? One guy, one jar? Don't pull it up. Or one guy, one cup? Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

This changed my life. This one is very not fake. It's not as vile in terms of it's not about shit and consuming it. He's very mentally ill. Sure. And he... It'll change how you feel about things for the rest of your life. You'll think about it for a long time. You can just tell that people are alone doing things to themselves. It's not healthy.

Got it. Can I tell you something? I remember exactly where I was when I saw the video. It was 2008. Tom and I were just married. I remember when I showed it to my dad. Oh!

That's what I'm saying. It's one of those videos that you share as a family and it keeps giving. Can we pull it up, Josh? Can you find it? No, we better not. Just mark. Just open your heart. That's when I first had one of those generation MacBooks where the camera was in the top here. Oh, yeah. And so I would hit record on it and then I would get my sister and my dad. I'd go, have you seen this? They're like, what is this? I go, you got to watch this. Yeah.

And then I'd have a recording of them watching it. Oh, that's fun. It was so much fun. I still have those somewhere. We should find those because I remember when we did that. It was so fun. And my dad would be like, oh, yeah, that's not good. What's this guy doing? But Maria would just be, oh, my God. But she could not.

take her eyes off of it. Maria could watch the whole thing. Most people can't. Yeah, Maria's one of the few. Oh, this is it. This is it. Okay, are you ready? There's no shit. There's no shit. There's no shit. But it is special. So that's a jar. That's a jar. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that's a sack and a dong. Yeah, and it just goes right in, you know? Like he's

It's so fast. It's like a glass jar going in. Look at the insides of his legs. You can tell how banged up he is. All right. What are we doing here? Boy, a lot of range on this show. We had the chiropractic. He was so nice. Yeah. It broke.

Oh, no! Shards of glass and blood that he's pulling out. Mazel tov. Oh, God. What's with the uncircumcised, too? I'm seeing a trend. He's European. You have to be from Canada or Europe to do things like this. Well, there's just a lot of blood. So much blood. And he just pulls the glass out of his rectum. This is when I assume Bert shits. Yeah. Look at all that blood, though. Look at all that blood. I see the blood. Yeah. I think about this video once a month. God. Since 2008.

Oh, God. But you know that here's the thing, the real perspective, is that you learn that everybody's different. Yes. Everybody has something that gets them going. You know? Somebody... And when you think you're weird, you're in your hotel, you're hating yourself, this guy's existing. This guy's doing this. He's at Whole Foods. Yeah. God, you... This guy could be in front of you in line at Whole Foods. Oh, he is. He is. He is. Is this what was supposed to happen, or was this an accident? Yeah.

Is this planned, the breaking? I think he tries to do it without it breaking, but it just... He's got to get some plastic. Okay, we're good. Ah, we got it. We got it. Jesus. Does he get all of it out, though? He's still reaching. He's still reaching. Yeah, there's a lot of glass in there. Good Lord. So much glass in that asshole. These guys... Hey! Guys, and it's guys. Again, you don't see a lot of girls putting glass jars up their assholes. Woo!

I can send you a link. You can take it off. Breaking it down. No breaking. Pulling the bloody bits out. That's what I'm saying, Mark. It's guys. Oh, that's still, we still have a minute. I don't got it. I don't need to see the twist ending. I just wanted to make sure you. Yeah, thank you. I wonder, I'd love to study both of your brains before the show and then after, because you've just seen so much dark, twisted shit. Trauma. Yeah, the thing that I...

You and like a war vet would have a similar mental... Oh, for sure. I wrote this show that I just sold, you know, and even the...

The executive messaged me. He goes, you're fucked up, man. And I go, I think it's from doing this podcast. It's got to be. Yeah. Well, nothing shocking, you realize. Very little shocks me. People send me things. I'm like, this is, I just saw a guy pull glass shards out of his asshole. Two U.S. Army soldiers were found posting themselves in uniform on a personal fetish-themed social media page. And these are like, you know.

Oh, God. He's decorated. Oh, no. Like, that's a lot of pins up there, you know? Yeah. You gotta hide that stuff. You can get fired for that kind of stuff. You certainly can. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Dick out. That's pretty cool. China is seeing this and high-fiving. For sure. Even though Colonel Donnelly is retired, this is Colonel Brian T. Donnelly, a.k.a. Pup Ravage. Nice.

Captain Dayton Tenney, a.k.a. Adjunct Pup, even though Colonel Donnelly's retired, he can still face charges while Captain Dayton will be put through an investigation. Oh, just being in uniform? Yeah, it's that they're in uniform. I like how we just saw a guy, bleedy ass, and a guy shit on a piece of bread, but you're like, we better not show the dick here. We got standards here.

I think these came to us like this. Oh, okay, okay. I didn't know that was for me. Yeah, I don't want to offend Mark with this guy's limp penis in the locker room. I have to say the audacity of being in the military and being an out pup player is pretty scary. I mean, don't you think you're inviting some possible hostility from your peers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be a little weary of sharing.

Yeah, that's a real masculine aggro environment. And to be like, do you want to see me in my dog mask? Yeah. I'd hide that. Although if this guy was on the battlefield and I saw a guy in a dog mask charging me, I'd be like, all right, take my gun. You win. New uniform for a military? Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. Oh, yeah. It's terrifying. It is terrifying. I don't feel aroused personally. No.

This is the first time I've seen somebody be like, here's my dick, though. Clearly. Yeah, they usually say, they always claim it's not sexual, these pup players. Yeah, that's the big thing. Well, what's up with furries? All that, I don't understand. It's gotta be. Definitely, but something's up. Yeah, nothing sexual. I wish I had something weird like that. I don't know. Okay, pups, we've had a bit of a rest. Time now for some...

- Ah, training. - Whoa. - What's involved in human pup play at first seems really simple because most people think you're just getting on all fours, waddling around and going woof woof and bark bark. But it's really so much more complicated.

It's an addiction, I guess, in a way. I feel there is a hidden dog in me. I feel I have to live two lives in some ways. Oh, look. They're just being little puppy rascals. And latex suits. Some people are sexual. But not all of us. Yeah, this seems like a totally non-sexual environment. Just a group of dudes. Yeah. Yeah. Collars and hats. So they attracted two dogs?

Or they just like to be dogs. They want to be dogs. Okay, got it. Yeah, and you can train for it, you know. Every day. I mean, I guess it'd be a pretty good seeing eye dog. A good strong smell of your owner's underwear. When you feel like it. Wait, what? When you're pleasuring yourself. He just, what happened? You have to smell your owner's underwear like a dog would. Fun. Yeah. Importantly, though, there's activities that you're going to be doing to help build up your scent. And the first one in first collar training

is to know your own smell. Once a day, when you wake up in the morning, take a good whiff of your pit before you've showered, before you've put any deodorant cologne on. We all do that. Sure. When you've got time during your work day or during those moments when you're in class, you want to go here. Wait a minute. Put your hand down your pants. Grab your nuts. Have a feel. Get your fingers over them.

We all do that too, right? Yeah, but are you building your musk? Are you knowing your smell? No, just want to make sure in case you hook up.

Yeah. You don't smell the old clam? I do, I do. Just to make sure for... What's the word I'm looking for? You've got to do the dipstick inspection. Make sure it's everything's good. The main thing to take from this is to understand this is nothing sexual. This is just people being themselves. You don't have a tail. Oh, you don't have a tail. Good puppy. Good puppy. Now.

You've come because you need a tail, haven't you? Dog way. It's a beautiful day out. Is this the tail you'd like us to give you? I mean, it is in broad daylight. At least dim the lights. Yeah. Oh, no. There goes the tail. It's going in. It's starting to get sad.

You gonna come so hard now, Tom? What the hell's happening?

He's getting a tail. He's getting a tail inserted. Oh, man. You're very tight down there, aren't you, puppy? It's not. You're looking at it all wrong. Okay. This is just how people in this environment work. How would you be a dog if you don't have a tail? I guess you're right. Oh, puppy tats. You rest your head. Rest your head. Good boy. This reminds me of the gynecologist when they do their shit to women. It's not sexual. Yeah, sure. It just feels like that. To me, this feels medical. Yeah. Like, I don't want... Does this feel medical? Yeah.

This feels like torture. Alright, finally something we can all get behind. Yeah, she's had a little bit of work done. It's... It's... You say, you don't say.

Oh, man. Yeah, I follow her on the talk. She's been around. Oh, yeah? Quite the cheat, though. Anastasia Poroschuk, age 36, has the world's biggest cheeks. Hey! And has changed her looks with a little bit of plastic surgery. She's known for showing her butt lift and is saying how the swelling has been going down so she can now sit down. Jesus Christ. She's always like, what do you mean my cheeks are too big? She's like,

Totally normal. Totally healthy. Do you want to tell Mark here what he's going to see now? Oh, you ready? There's more? This one's not so bad. All right. I thought we were going to hang out. That was just the appetizer. Oh, okay. Okay. I was nervous. There's been a lot of... Maybe we should take a breather. Just take a breather for a second. Yeah, that's true, Tom. I'm a little overstimulated. Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't even know if my TikToks can...

be better than that though that's true that's true let's not but I do want to switch lanes like my my TikToks I like to curate are from the outliers people that are underrepresented in the TikTok algorithm sure we'll take a break though no no I was sure I can I can keep going there's a lot but that's a lot we had we had diarrhea yeah on bread right right we had a

We did give you a guy bleeding out of his asshole. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of clips. It's a lot. It's heavy. What's going on? How's the tour going? Ah, well, see, you can't do this on NBC. I know, you really can't. It's a great thing about the internet. Yeah. Fallon, imagine Fallon fake laughing at the bleeding asshole. He's like, dude, that had to hurt so bad.

Yeah, hey, touring's going great. Living the dream. Can't complain. Yeah, I mean, you just did a couple shows here. Are you doing a super long tour, or is this just like a... I'm going until, like, September. I like the road. Yeah. I think it's like a marriage saver. Yeah? You know, it's great to get out there, but I'm also selling tickets for the first time, so I feel like I've got to capitalize on that. Congratulations. Thank you. I think it's going to go away at some point. That's what everybody...

Does that. I mean, everyone, that's a normal thought, I think. Okay. Yeah. Do you guys, we're definitely in a boom. You guys think? Without a doubt. Yeah. You think we're going to hang on to it? Well, I think like, it's like a market, like a housing market. Yeah. You know? So I think we're super fortunate that we are right now, like, it's like we own homes. Yeah. And they're like, hey, you just got another offer. Right. And you're like, oh, that's crazy. Exactly. And so you're just taking those offers. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think...

The crazy thing is to go into this and not accept the idea that there's a window for it. Yes. Well, and I also think as long as the world keeps sucking as hard as it has, then comedy will prevail. Like if Trump gets reelected. Yeah, well, I think it's good and bad. Comedy time. No, it's good for comedy. I don't know about that. I think it's good because he'll do crazy shit. He says funny stuff all the time. We can make fun of it. I do feel like that's when all the...

angry blue haired people get they get more angry yeah they get heightened on that and it was like fuck it this is racist this is sexist this is homophobic but then they pay even more to come and see you to say those things that are quote racist and sexist yeah there is this thing when like when a dem is in office it's actually it's kind of like

The crazies are the conservatives at that point, but they're a much better audience. Way better. They're way funnier. They have a better sense of humor. Yeah, less offended, less analyzing. Was that problematic? When there's a conservative in office...

Then the rage comes from the left. Yes. And it's insufferably bad. Right. I'm talking about just like in the world of comedy. Yeah. Well, the right will have like... They might get mad at you about a Jesus joke and then shoot you. Yeah. Which I would prefer than to be like...

mean to me online. Yeah. You know, I'd rather just get shot than just be like, ah, you're a racist or whatever. Like, I got to deal with this now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's tough when you're called a racist because like, how do you defend yourself? You're like, I'm not. And here's the thing is they go, your joke, that's fine, you have this joke, but right now, what's going on?

You know? It's too callous of you to do that. And then they go, well, you're a freedom of speech guy, so you can make the joke, then I can tell you the joke sucks. I'm like, you're welcome to tell me the joke sucks, but you're also trying to call clubs and get them to not book me and stuff. That's a totally different thing. That's a different thing. And that's something that...

Yeah, I'll say this. I don't think conservatives do that. No, not really. Don't give a shit. That's a strictly lefty move. Yeah, they'll call you and be like, Sig Heil or whatever the fuck. But did you see that comedy club in Seattle? They cut out Metzger and Gomez and all these guys. Oh, you didn't see this? No. Oh, this...

small club, booked all these guys and eventually kind of figured out what they were all about and then unbooked them. No. Really? And they posted about it and it made it... I can't believe it was a huge thing. Didn't hear about it at all. It was like a week ago. Really? Yeah. Did they book them together or these are like separate bookings? Separate bookings and it's a new club so they're like, oh, we can get Kurt Metzger? What?

Bring him in. He was on this and Comedy Central and Chelsea Lately. And then unbook them. And then they saw their content. They were like, fuck that. They're in Capitol Hill. It's like a very progressive gay area. Oh, okay. Well, that makes sense then. Well, it's their discretion. Yeah, do what you want. Maybe their audience doesn't want that. But here's the thing. This is the flip.

of the gay cakes of, of, of, Hey, when you, when you do something, you say something, there's consequences. Oh yeah. So now you're going to like, usually it's like a comedian said something right. Then somebody reacts and they go, Hey man, this is what you have to deal with. If you're going to say that. And you're like, okay,

That's fair. Right. Well, now it's the club going, we booked you, we're unbooking you because of what you've done. Now you're going to have to deal with the reaction to that. Like, you made that choice. Sure. I mean, it's kind of flipping that thing on its head. Yeah, yeah. So now people are going to, I don't know, trash you online. I don't know how they're going to act in person. But if you choose to do that, you also have to deal with the consequences of that, you know? I guess so. And they're...

They're getting, to your point, they're getting a lot of death threats, bomb threats. Of course they are. You know. And, you know, that's... Also, maybe check out who you're booking before you book them. That too. Then there's no problem. But what about the argument of, hey, you know, in the 50s saying gay marriage or Lenny Bruce stuff was considered no-no and he would get, you know, unbooked from clubs because he was controversial and he was like...

Black people are okay. You know, whatever. He had... That was controversial back then. Yeah. Saying, like, gays aren't bad or whatever. But he had the right to say it, and now that's the norm. Gay people can get married, whatever. So what if...

Kurt Metzger has a good point that's progressive, but it goes against the narrative. Now he doesn't get a platform. Right. I argued that horribly and got a little clunky. No, but I understand what you're saying, though. It's because this person is... What they're doing is they're going, I found this one thing...

that I don't like or offends me about this guy. They have no idea. Kurt's a hilarious comic. Super funny. Super smart guy. And he might go up there, even to that booker, and put on a set that they go like, holy shit, that was...

Yeah. And now they'll never discover that. I know. Because they're like, yeah, but there is this other thing one time. Right. It's like, okay, well then. But also like freedom of whatever. They own the club. That's what they want to do. No, they'll do what you want. Yeah, they can do whatever they want. Fuck them. There's a million other venues in Seattle. Sure, sure. You can four wall his own. If I were Kurt, I would four wall my own shit down the street. Yeah. Find a theater right fucking next door and sell the shit out of it. Yes. And put all the guys on there that they didn't book. Yeah.

And succeed. Yeah, him and Lewis, they should both do that. Yeah, do your own shit. There's a lot of venues in Seattle. There's a lot of venues in Seattle. That's true. Yeah, fuck that club. It's a little weird that the people who hate Kurt or, you know, who don't like that kind of comedy, they won't even go that night. So you're kind of saying, hey, don't have this guy.

Even when I'm not there, I want the club to be exactly run like I want because it was with the community that stepped in. And it's like, but you won't even go to see Kurt. So can't someone else go see him? Exactly. So they can't book anyone you hate even when you're not going to the show. I know. There's...

Kind of dictator-y. It totally is. These clubs that have like, no, I know what I want here. It's like, you know what you want here for you personally. Yes, yes. But that's not serving the community really. The community. No. And they always talk about diversity and open-minded, inclusive. We're like, well, not to him. Right. He's a person too. No. Yeah, yeah. It's inclusive to people who are desperate for inclusivity. Right. That's who you're being inclusive to. Well, the inclusive people are usually the most...

and not inclusive. Exclusive. Yeah, completely. They're ammo. They're insufferably exclusive. Yeah. There's always a flip. Like the God hates f*** guy is always getting blown at a rest stop, you know. There's always some overcompensation. And I'm super inclusive. Like nobody is super everything's cool. No, no. If everything's okay with you, then you're mentally ill. Yes. You should have boundaries to what you think is acceptable or tasteful or for you. Yeah. Preferences. You can have f***ing preferences.

Well, that's what most of us live on. You're not hateful if you have preferences. Right. You go to the... So stupid. To the drive-by the movie theater and you're like, I don't want to see any of this shit. Yeah. Okay, go do something else today. But you don't call the theater and go, fuck you for heaven, Rick and Ralph. Yeah, it's like... People are so weird. I know. I do think though the real, like all this kind of lays on, you know, bookers. It's the same as when somebody...

got a ticket to see your show and then they're like, I didn't like this. You're like, did you know who you were going to see? And they're like, no. It's like, well, then that's on you, man. That's on you. And if you're a booker and you're booking people, you actually made an offer and you're unaware of what they do, this is your fault. Yeah. Yeah. Completely. Don't make offers. Yeah, Madam Web sucked, but I'm not trying to get my money back. Exactly. I don't know what that is. It's a horrible Marvel movie. Marvel's really going down the shitter. Yeah.

yeah i can't believe how how crazy big that whole world has got as far as like as a business i know it's wild it's so insane it's all disney now it's it's cool and then you learn like if you want to feel old that all those movies ain't compared to what video games gross like is that right i didn't know that it's not even close like the biggest feature franchises

laughable when you talk about what these releases will do in video games. Really? Yeah. I had no idea. Yeah. I guess because you can't stream of it. You can't steal a video game. Well, yeah. You can steal a movie.

you know bootlegging and all that it's so crazy like in their pre-sales like they'll have like a pre-sale first weekend for a game that's coming out they're like 890 million friday really yeah yeah wow we should be getting the video game business video game business is insane i had no idea well these gamer kids they're like exactly like the new michael jordan you know some asian kid watch them a zillionaire zillionaire he's getting blown all day long while he's in his crazy video game chair

Yeah. And, you know, he can't even lift, like, a bag of groceries. No. But he can kick some ass on Tekken. I guess I never really... I see this now, but I, like, the idea that, like, there really is a huge... Not, like, an audience. A huge audience to watch...

You play a video game because you're really good at it. That's insane. That's crazy to me, but it's so big. I mean, I guess we watch people fuck. We watch people cook food. I know. So it's not that, because if you're into video games, we watch people play sports because we played sports. Right. You know, it's not that crazy. Now can we do TikToks? Sorry. Thank you for giving me a breather. Yeah, I'm sorry. I felt bad, actually. I curate these with love. I know. Oh, okay. Okay. We'll put it back.

They're not all this crazy, though, Mark. They're more nuanced sometimes. I don't know. Mark, here's the thing. It's not going to make you sick like the other stuff, but it can be an emotional ride what she pulls. Okay.

See what I mean? Right? This is very palatable. But it's annoying. You want to kill him. It's very annoying. I hate him so much.

Wouldn't you have so many questions if your wife was like, that's my ex? Wouldn't you question everything in your life? Of course, yeah. You're like, you dated this guy? She's like, yeah, four years. I'd be like, we are getting a divorce. But that's before he turned to Christianity. Yeah, it was before he turned. He's a hardcore drug addict. He was cool back then. Got it, got it. Used to party. She goes, yeah, he found Jesus. That's when we split up. Yeah.

This is what he does now. How much do you hate his stupid fucking... The hat, the shirt. I hate that he felt like he should share this. That's the only thing that I really hate. That he felt safe enough to share it. I wish people felt less safe in the world. I wish the fear of retribution was on him. Yes. An unsafe space. Like the one that we have where we're like, should I post this? Of course. You're killing and you're still like, I don't know. I look at my hand and my voice sounds weird. Exactly. Yikes.

Yeah, Chloe's a little bit mad right now because we left them out and she started to eat them. So I had to take them from her. So she didn't eat all of them. She ate a few of them. Watch this. It gets better. You did? What the fuck? She doesn't like it when I tell her business. This is a whole lane.

It's people who have wild cats. Yeah. Cougars, tigers, leopards. Yeah, bobcats, mountain lions. Usually it's in the Arab world, and usually it's like a sheik. Yeah. You don't usually see chicks like this. They'll have like panthers in their house and shit. Jesus. So she left out. I know, I'm pretty upset about it too. Snacks out, I guess. Oh, man. And the cat got to some of the chips or whatever, and that was hitting the back of her head. The cat.

The cat. The lynx or whatever the fuck this is. I'd still rather live with a puma than that dog guy. Dude. And the dog mask. But yeah, this is wild. She's like, he's a little mad. Yeah, yeah. Look at her. She's so calm. I know. They all are. Yeah, they all are. So remember the woman that was like, well, I'm just going to feed the python. And oh, that's quite a squeeze. Like they are always like blissfully unaware. Confident. Yeah. Yeah.

and kind of checked out as to the reality. - She's had this one since it was a pup, I'm sure. - That helps. - Yeah. - But still. - It was a little kitty. - I mean, that monkey will eventually rip your face off. - Totally. - It's coming. - Yeah, it'll rip your testicles off and eat your fingers every time. - And this is tough too, 'cause you have guests over

And you got to be like, it's fine. You're like, it's hitting you. It's hissing. Last year, daddy and I joined a local dungeon. And they have a really big group for littles and middles. And they have at least one monthly littles thing. And today, I'm going alone. Usually they're on the weekends. But this was on a Friday evening. And daddy worked second shift.

Oh, God. Fuck. So I'm going and I'm bringing my service dog with me so she can keep me company and help me out if I get too anxious. Where's she going? Sorry. So I'm wearing my Grogu shirt, one of them, and then I put my hair. It's not really even, but I put my hair in pigtails. I don't like this.

And then I packed... What the fuck am I watching? So, Mark, this is called Little Space. This is for people who feel better when they're regressed in a childlike state. So she's a little, and she has another adult man who's her daddy. Got it. And they play in the daddy little space. How does that make you feel? Well, I guess it's better than real... You know? Because you get all the trappings of a kid, but it's an adult vagina. Yeah.

That's some silver lining on this freak show. I think I enjoy it. I guess it's better than most. Not quite sure, but I think it is. I'm still humming and hawing. I don't know how hard to pack a bag because pretty much...

So she's just pretending to be like a toddler, basically? Yeah. How does this woman make an income? I'm always struggling to pay the rent to these people. They just have passive income from fucking pacifiers. And oodles of free time. Yeah. How much fucking time it takes to do this? Are we paying her disability? I think we are. Probably. God. I mean, she's got a cart. It looks like a fucking medical cart or something, you know?

I don't know. It's got like heart monitors and pills on it. What's in that thing? No, it's got her passies. They always have lots of crafts, but I pack a backup coloring. Get the fuck out of here. Enough of her. Get a job. Get a job. Another exotic pet. I thought that was Ari. You want that piece of bread? Bread? Yeah. Do you want a lighter? Offering it baby food. This one's my tribe. It's like Russian. Oh, okay.

Look at that thing. Stop kissing its mouth, dummy. You know what would happen if you would walk in the room right now? Yeah. And that thing was like getting pet by her. It would just... Oh, man. That was a pretty good cougar. That was really good, Tom. And your whole face would be hanging off. You're like, what the fuck? She's like, it's okay, it's okay. Yeah.

You scared here? You scared here? Well, yeah, you've ever been attacked by someone's cat? Yeah. It sucks. You think that thing's not going to fuck up your friend? Look at that. Yeah. Weird. It's weird. These people get mad at you if you have a gun. Yeah. This is like in an apartment. Yeah. In Siberia.

All right. All right. You know what it is? They take pride in being the one human that can get away with doing this stuff with them. That's what they get off on. I'm special. I can interact with the snake, with the

The bobcat. Blah, blah, blah. And you're not. And also, all these end the same way. Yep. It's inevitable. Clock's ticking. I know. With your face being removed. Well, imagine if she eats ribs one day and goes kissing that thing. That fucking, that super confident snake lady you were talking about. Oh, this is fucking Terry, whatever. And she's feeding it. And then it starts to wrap her and wrap her. And then she's like, I need some help in here, Pete. Go ahead. And they're like,

trying to unwind it and it's just slowly squeezing her, squeezing her, squeezing her. And that's her, you know, her loving python. Special bond. Whoa. I've just been, and this was, and they always like, this was my fault. So true. Yeah, of course. Your fault is in owning it. Yeah. That's your fault. They always internalize the animal's innate nature. Right. To kill it.

Yeah. Yeah. Like literally the animal wants to eat. That snake was probably hungry that day. Yeah. Like she has an extra piece of meat on her lips or ate a hot dog and she goes Frenching this fucking cat. Oh yeah. It's going to bite her face off. My favorite, there's that croc guy on Instagram. He's like gator, gator guy, whatever. And he, he is a, like,

like a total world renowned expert on this. And he has them at a place, you know, he's not, this is not like this, my house, I got gators walking around. He's like at a, whatever, some type of, like a farm. Yeah. Like some type of farm where they rescue them or something. And he's, you know, he knows them so well and how gators act and respond. And he's in the water with one. And he's like, uh, people ask me like, you know, how I am able to do this. And he's telling, he's telling the audience and he's like,

you know do these do these guys love me he was like they do not love me he goes i am always like a few seconds away from being attacked and dying at all times there you go he's like i'm just hyper aware i know what to do and how to do this he's like in a second he's like right in front of this guy would kill me and eat me if i was not aware at least he's saying he's saying it yeah yeah there's no love in their hearts they don't feel love no it's a reptile that's just like

Yeah, it's a dinosaur waiting for a chicken. Yeah, just waiting. You fed it, so it's like, all right, cool. But if you didn't, it would be like, oh, I'm going to eat you right now. Of course. I feel like that's how you feel about me. Yeah? If I just stopped milking you and feeding you, you just got no love in your heart. Just, yeah. Yeah, well, have you heard of Gypsy Rose? She killed the mom. Okay.

What was that great movie, Henry? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Portrait of a Serial Killer. There's that great scene, the funniest scene, where he gets in the back seat with that prostitute and he snaps her neck. And then his friend is like, what the fuck? He's talking about like, dude, where's my car? It's not a comedy. It's a funny scene, though. It's pretty funny. Pull it up.

I'm going to FatCon in Seattle, Washington, January 6th through 7th, and I want to see you there. FatCon is a three-day fat liberation celebration, y'all. We will be celebrating fat liberation, body acceptance, and the power of being in fat community. With over 60 hours of programming spanning from policy, legislation, healthcare, community, and visual arts, plus a ton more, this is sure to be something you don't want to miss. Yeah, well, here's the thing. If you do miss it, it's okay because you'll not be alive next year. Ha ha ha!

Year two comes around. And no one is missing this. Yeah. We're going to see her coming. You feel a ripple in your water cup. T-Rex. Oh, my God. What's happening? Well, and it's in Seattle. That's a good place. Oh, yeah. Apropos our earlier discussion. Oh, man. Back on health stuff. Yeah.

90 hours of programming. We're going to talk about hot dog stands. That's all they should have there. This is insane. I know. This is completely insane behavior. Bad news. Yeah. Just a lot of, what's the first thing at FatCon? So when's the last time you saw your genitalia? For me, it's been about 20 years. Normalizing being like 350 or whatever. No.

And like, yeah, it's like, I know, you know, these goddamn door frames. They're so small. It's like, no, they're not. No, they're not. You need to get your shit together, man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the winner here is the caterer. Definitely. He's like, we are going to make all our years income on this fat con. This is no different. That's their Super Bowl. This take is no different than like the comedian that always goes like, you know, fuck.

They don't get it. So I'm not as lucky as you. Oh, the worst. Haters. The worst. I hate that. That's the fat con person. That's a great point. Yeah. You put a video on YouTube, it does well. People are like, must be nice. No, no, I wrote the jokes. It's on any one of your YouTube. I uploaded it. Yeah. But this is, hey, it must be nice to be thin. Like, no, you got to go to the gym all the time. Yeah, right. And I say no to food. Yeah. I have so many guys who have been like,

You know, they're not looking for any white guys. And I'm like, have you seen the list of the most successful comedians? Yeah, right. Don't worry about white guys. White guys are doing just fine. Yeah, just go on the internet. Here's the thing. It's not your whiteness that's holding you back. What are they going to celebrate when they get together? That's the weirdest part of a con like that. Like, hey, you're fat, I'm fat. Yeah. I don't know. It's a weird thing to celebrate. Yeah, I guess so. Like,

I don't know. That you can just shit on the floor and keep walking together, I guess. Pig time. Pig time. Pig time, like pup play. Just pig play. Roll around in this trough where you're eating shit in it at the same time. See, but that's something I would go to. I'd be like, that sounds awesome. It'd be cool if you could throw shit at them. Oh, yeah.

You pay and you throw. Shame them. Yeah, you throw like soup and hot dogs and everything at them. That's what I'm talking about. See, now that's a good event. That's fun. Yeah. And then at the very end, there's a latch that comes out and a leopard jumps in and fucking eats them. That'd be fun, right? That'd be fun. And going there would be like going to a bounce house. You could just bang up off everybody, you know, bounce around. Soap. She's so fucking big. Fat cop. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no way she easily stands and walks. No. It's going to be a trouble getting all these people to FatCon. Yeah.

Yeah. That's going to be a hard thing. She should have picked like the middle of the country. Yeah, Seattle. That's tougher to get to. Yeah, this is more of an Omaha event. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Put them out in the plains. For sure. There's a lot of land. You have to be able to drive to Fat Con. These people are not getting on airplanes. Seattle is like a real trip. It's a hard one, yeah.

Wyoming. Yeah, it's still up there. Kansas City would be a great place. All the barbecue. Oh my God, those poor cows. Yeah, what are they doing with Seattle? It's like a healthy place. You ever see those stadium shots of a Chiefs game? It's not fucking that different than this. It's just a lot of like, you know, a bunch of piggy pies. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I'm sorry, this is the Middle East. I'm just trying to find where the cunt is.

What the hell? I don't know what you want to do. This is a guy that just got there, too, you know? Oh! That's someone's friend. He's, like, torturing his friend. Ah, that's great. That's what I would do, too. Come on in, man. Yeah, yeah. You let a tiger out. It's kind of a shitty tiger. He should have killed him by now. Yeah, that tiger is very well trained. That guy is in a full panic. Chris! Yeah. Running with his socks. The best one is the guy that, hey, like, one of these sheiks has a...

had like five, six guys in his pool and they're all just like hanging out like in this rich guy's pool at a palace and then he just lets a tiger into it and they're like, ha!

And you see them climbing out, falling, just totally terrified. Oh, that's fun. That's so good. But do the tigers, do they hurt you? No, I think these are like, I mean, obviously a tiger can. Sure. But I think these are so domesticated. No, they probably rip their claws out and rip their teeth out. This is the Middle East. They're not nice. Oh, that makes sense. They probably fuck up these tigers. I'm sure. Like gums. I'm sure they're not like, he's exactly the way he's supposed to be. No.

They neutered the shit out of that. Yeah, yeah. It's so fucking scary. It's still so scary to see a tiger in a house. Wait, play it again. Yeah, this guy's so scared, man. Yeah. He's totally terrified. Oh, that almost went through the window. Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude. That's fucking... I got a lot of free time. Oh, yeah. Here it is, dude. This is great, right? It's like, okay, so all these guys are like, yay, we're hanging out in this pool. Yeah. You know, and then look what's in the background here. Can you go full screen? Yes.

I mean, we enjoy all the enjoy! Didn't they just notice? Oh my god! It's the end of FatCon. This is perfect. This is Seattle, my bad. Holy shit.

Oh, that's perfect. That's fun. A tiger in the pool is the move. Yeah, that's pretty good. I can't wait. Rogan's almost there. He's almost there. He's like, oh, come on over, man. We'll take a dip. Tiger's like, fuck, it's an ice bath. I'm freezing my tits off in here. So cold. Yeah.

um all right dude it's always fun to see you hey this is a blast thank you for coming glad you're here you're hilarious uh tickets are at mark norman comedy dot com it's the you don't say tour it's going on now don't forget uh mark has what do you have two podcasts yeah we might be drunk which you've done we'd love to have you on if you ever come uh cross country and then uh tuesdays with stories with joe list joe list the great joe list been here um

Yeah, dude, you're hilarious. Congrats on everything. Thanks. It's fun. And I hope you enjoy the rest of your tour. And we will see you guys next time. Goodbye. How would you know how to identify a stinky bee? Take her to a club. I can tell you some other ways. Finger her and then take a chance and go smell it. With the cheeks opening, the cheeks opening, wires opening, and the snail comes out. Where are you credentialed, Dr. Mel? Take her to a club.

Then you can try smelling dirty, dirty underwear. Definitely. Just eat that snicker. Eat that, eat that, eat that snicker. Just eat that snicker. Eat that, eat that, eat that snicker. If we're going to go through the trouble of having her twerk and finding her dirty undies and sniffing them, why not just hook up with her and find out? Take her to a club. You should say, I can't twerk because it's smelly. Who's saying? Who did she say? Why did she say? Eat that, eat that, eat that snicker. Eat that, eat that, eat that snicker.