Happy HallowJeans! w/ Jimmy Carr | Your Mom's House Ep. 732
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Mommies, I am coming to Seattle, San Francisco, New York City, and Ridgefield, Connecticut in 2024. Get your tickets right now, right now at ChristinaPOnline.com. This week on Your Mom's House. Jimmy Carr, can I ask you another retarded question? Sure. When you meet... I don't think you couldn't. Oh, I can't, yeah. Ha ha ha!

Greatest guests ever are adult film entertainers. European can often be conflated with gay. 100%. In America, I find they go, yeah, but he's smoked a few cocks, right? He sounds very English. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

And...

Happy Halloweens. Happy Halloweens. Hope you had a great one. It was last night. That's right. But we're celebrating today. You love Halloweens, obviously. It's my greatest holiday all year long. And as you know, I'm celebrating just a casual look today. Very casual. I am also celebrating. I'm a craps dealer at the Old Palms Casino in Vegas. This is what they wear typically.

And I wanted to dress up like one of them. You went a little different direction. Do you, if you care to. Sure. This is Elder Goth, Susie Sue, the originals. And I have to say, I have to redeem myself because when I did episode 666, I did my own makeup. And I look full disclosure. I did it like in a very dark bathroom and my kids were screaming. You were clowned for it.

clowned relentlessly shit on by my goth friends who I visited in San Francisco months later. And they were like, Christina, we have to tell you, they go used to do a much better job. Wow. That had to hurt. Did it ever? It stung. Yeah. And so this time I went professional and I hired a makeup and hair designer.

And we got it done the right way. And I think this is amazing. This looks so much better. You'll be the one telling them. You can fucking try me, fatso. I'm a fucking goth. All the way, homie. What's crazy to me, the first thing, first of all, I was deeply troubled when I saw you. I think that was the effect you were going for. Sure. Startled. And I was like, whew. And then my immediate thought was, you know what's crazy is that this is a costume for you. Right. And that...

I sometimes see people like this in society who are like, this is just how I live. Every day is Halloween. That's what we say in the goth community. Every day is Halloween. But yeah, I think you do have to outgrow this aesthetic at some age to assimilate. However, when I do go to elder goth concerts like Depeche Mode or The Cure or Bauhaus, they're

we older goths dress up. But you know what? And that's, it's acceptable in the concert is what I'm saying. It looks good. At the show. For Halloween, it looks great. If you were doing this every day, I'd be very, very, very sad. But for Halloween. You think this would be a sign of severe mental illness if I did it every day? Hmm.

You don't think I could take parent-teacher conferences like this? Halloween only. Halloween comes around. Try it out. You have fun with it. I can't believe my son's misbehaving at school. Yeah, I know. They would meet you and be like, oh, I know why he's misbehaving in school. Oh, my God. This coffee is so good. It's so good. And it's made very, it's very, you might not realize this, but it's the rare time that a non-LGBTQ plus AI person is making it.

That's usually who makes every coffee now. In Austin, definitely. Coffees are made by queers only. But you are actually having it made by the great Niana here. She does such a great job. Well, Heather Mills is usually the one who does it. Heather does it as well, too. She's on vacay. But you know what I've noticed? And I don't know if this is accurate. I'm old as shit, so forgive me. But I've noticed that cat ears...

That's the universal sign for I have pronouns. Ask me my pronouns. I wear cat ears. I saw old cat ears at a coffee place a few days ago coming out of the shitter. But it's a non, it's every gender is welcome shitter. Oh, thank God. Those are my favorite. Yeah.

I hate using an all gender shitter, not because of my deep transphobia, obviously, you know, but because I don't, I don't want dudes shitting and pissing. They, they mess up our bathrooms quite honestly. And I don't, it's really annoying. I saw a video online of a, of a dude dressed up, you know, with a wig and bra and everything in a women's bathroom with a boner. What? Yeah. Yeah. Where?

It was online. And the people, and they were video, they were like, and then they, one of the guys, then they went to like a club, they were in a club, and the guy was like, you have a boner. Oh my God. And the person was like, he's like, you have a boner right now. Why do you have a boner? You haven't seen it? I'm surprised I haven't. That is my wheelhouse. I love those. Well, I'll tell you what really happened to me. IRL. And by the way,

beautiful you couldn't tell it was a beautiful woman so can I tell you a story that happened to me IRL in real life as the kids like to say

God. Any hoodles. No, this is a real story. I was in an aeropuerto. I forget where. Maybe in Texas. And a man was standing in line to pee in the women's bathroom. Or to do shit. I don't know. Peeing or shitting. I just assumed peeing. Are you going to pee or shit? I wanted to ask so bad. But here's what's interesting about the social experiment is that we were all standing in line to use the toilets in a women's restroom in the airport. And it was clearly a man standing in line. Wait, not like a man like...

Dressed like a man? No, a man dressed like you. It was like you, just a guy who presents male, was not trying to present other than. Cis male. Just cis patriarchy male, right? Toxic. And he was just standing there.

And nobody in the restroom felt like we could go, hey, dude, I think you're in the wrong line. Because a lot of times people are tired. They're dazed in the airport. I've done it. I've gone in the wrong restroom on accident. It's happened to everybody. So many times. Yeah. Nobody had the courage. I've gone in there too. Come and then been like, oh, shit, this is the women's restroom. It happens. But I could tell he was dazed. And then eventually he went, oh, shit.

Oh God, I'm in the wrong restroom. And he left. And all you were like, oh, everybody, all the women were like, oh good. Thank God. I didn't know if I could say anything, which is like, gosh, it's indicative of the times. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I didn't say anything for that exact reason. Cause I was like, what if he is LGBTQIA plus, plus minus whatever. Yeah. It happens. Yeah. And I offend some guy. And then the next thing you know, I'm on TMZ is being transphobic or some shit. Cause I assumed a man. Hmm.

Who looked like a man, had a dick, and was in my restroom. It was a bad thing. Jesus, Louises. From the cradle bars comes a beckoning voice. The sun just spinning. Are you dazzled by me when I say it? It's really good. Let's go. Happy Halloween, everybody. Let's start the show. Happy Halloween. Is it everything you wanted and needed? It wasn't everything I...

Well, it was everything I wanted, but it wasn't everything I needed. Right now, I need some pussy. Oh, God. Oh, God. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to Cincinnati Zone right there. With Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house.

Oh my God. Chad is terrifying. Can I, I like to make a formal announcement to everybody out there. If you're giving out candy, giving out candy for trick or treaters and you're an adult,

Give out only full-size candy bars. What are you doing? Buying many stuff for kids. Seriously? You can afford it. You're an adult. Full-size? Full-size, Tom. Don't we get the bite size? That's all we know at the Sakura House. I give out full-size candy bars. And you should see the look on these kids' faces. When you go. They're in disbelief.

But remember that when you were a kid, you got full size. I guess, yeah. They didn't even have the bite-sized stuff then. Yeah, they did. Did they? Yeah. And they had terrible... Remember like the different flavored Tootsie Rolls? Those were gross too. Like lemon flavored Tootsie Rolls. Did you ever have that? Let me see that Tootsie Roll. I don't remember that shit. I really don't. I mean...

I think we were just all about Kit Kats and Twix. Oh, Kit Kats are the best. Snickers, M&Ms. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Full size. Full size. Only. Yeah. Be cool. Yeah. It was, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Full sizes. I think that's a lot to ask, but I'm all for it. Did your parents- Reese's Cup. Oh, Reese's Cup. Sully, did your parents ration out your Halloween candy or were you allowed just to go buck wild and have the bag in your own room? I don't, I remember that, you know,

We were like, like any kid, you were just so excited to get back with your bag and then we would empty it out. I don't remember them having us ration it out. No. I feel like that would have stuck into my memory. I have vivid memories of having the bag in my closet and eating Tootsie Rolls before school. Yeah, sure. Like it's seven in the morning. It's very exciting. I think the age that Ellis is now, it's going to even be more exciting because he's going to... He has like... He does have self-control, but he also...

You know, can indulge and he's going to be like, I'm going to go open my candy for a month. Like he's going to be very excited to manage his candy. Free candy. Just a surplus of candy. It's amazing. Those dudes, like they go buck wild with candy. That's one thing that there really is. I love. Because I see them with, you know, ice cream or cake or go like, I'm good. Yeah. Right? Oh, yeah. It's very fascinating to watch. They'll take it.

They'll take bites and I'm like, are you done? They're like, yeah, I ate enough. And you're like, wow. But candy is different. It's nonstop. Candy. First of all, because candy a lot of times is in smaller portions. Yeah. There is no like, oh, I'm good. They really go crazy with it. Because our sons have even, I've been like, hey, do you want to go to McDonald's? McDonald's is trash. Yeah. They don't like McDonald's. And then they'll be like, I'm like, you want a milkshake? No. Yeah. Just very unusual for kids. But you're right.

The bag of Jolly Ranchers goes so fast. So fast. So fast. Right now I need some pussy. The thing I also wanted to talk about, I went to New York the other day and I'm very excited. Where? New York. I don't think you're pronouncing that right. The audience doesn't know where you're talking about. Where would they understand? Jewdork titties. Jewdork titties.

The fact that you say that to people openly all the time. Yeah. And I watch their brain go...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, what did you say? Like, I see them do it all the time. And they're like, you know why? Because I'm, I'm halfway to dead now. Even actually I'm over halfway to dead. That's very true. And I've decided I'm just going to have fun. I'm just going to have fun. If it doesn't hurt anybody, I'm just having a good time. Well, speaking of fun. Yeah. I was up in judo titties. Hey, see, didn't that feel better? I'm just excited to tell you guys, people have been asking me, they asked me online. They asked me in person. Yeah.

When is the next YMH Live? And I'm so geeked for this because we did something that we've never done, which is we're making a special. And it's not a stand-up special, but it is a special that is going to come out in December. And it's one of the reasons I flew to New York, to Dork Titties, was to shoot part of it. And we're shooting it. It's the...

By far the biggest production thing we've ever been involved in. It is YMH to the max. It is, it's very, very special. And just know that it's coming in December. We've never done anything like it. There are so many amazing comedians participating in it with us. And I think it'll be the thing that when you see it, I think not only are you going to enjoy it, but it's, you're probably going to be like, this is what you guys should be doing. This is awesome. Yeah.

Uh, anyway, it's coming in December and, um, there will probably be something to tease it, show you guys probably end of November, I'm guessing. Um, but it's, it's very exciting and it's very big. You're going to like the way you look. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. Um,

Summer is supposed to be an opportunity to slow down, but when you look at your kids, you can't help but notice that your kids are growing up fast. Help them build independence as they grow with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families where parents can keep an eye on kids' money habits while kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely. It's the easy, convenient way to raise financially smart kids. Get your first month free when you sign up at greenlight.com slash spotify.

Reporting live from under my blanket, I'm Susan Curtis with Dunkin' at Home. Breaking news, pumpkin spice iced and hot coffees are back. I'll pass it to Mr. Curtis with his blanket for the full story. That is so right, Susan. You know, it's never too early to get in a spicy mood. I'm talking cinnamony goodness that's so tasty, people don't want to leave their blankets either. Back to you. No, back to you. All you. The home with Dunkin' Pumpkin Spice is where you want to be.

Anyway, I talked to Charo the other day. Yeah, what's up with her, old bag of bones? Old Charo. What's up there, chomo? This is your mom's house. You don't like it? Tata there, retard. I talked to her and she's like, so I don't know if you recall...

It was like a big, big deal for her. And I understand why that I booked her a trip to Israel. She's going with her brother in November. Not such a good place to be these. Not true. So she calls me and she's like, oh, there's a war. There's a war. And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, I can't go to Israel. And I go, why? And she's like, because of the war. And I'm like, I thought you were going because you want to see where Jesus was born. Yeah.

where he used to hang out at the bars and die and all that. Now there's a war and all of a sudden you're not a believer? And she's like, well, what if I get hurt? And I'm like, then you're fine. You have God on your side. I don't get it. Anyway, she's trying to back out of the trip. Wait a minute, but wouldn't you say that this is actually a test of her true faith? Yeah, absolutely. And I told her that. And I also was just like, if you're not going to go to Israel, don't ever call me again. Sure.

Sure. I paid for this trip. So we've been paid for it. It's booked. Um, all you have to do. And so I, I've hired someone to be like a wrangler. Um, and I was like, I don't care if you tie her up. I don't care if you put a bag over her head, you put her on that plane and you make her go and you make her show that she has faith. Because another thing I told her is like big ups. If you do get hurt, if you do, God forbid, something really awful happens to you. Um,

You know, you'll go straight to where you've been wanting to go your whole life. So I don't see the, like, I want her to take this trip, you know? That's so true. The Christians are always talking about how awesome it is. It's like Club Med after you die. So like, what's the delay? I know God frowns on suicide apparently, but the logic of that does not hold up. Well, anyway, I want her to go to the front lines and I told her there's no backing out. Front lines? Yeah, I do. That's a really, can I tell you something? Yeah. Don't you feel like that would sell?

as a tour company, don't they take crazy people to the front lines? Yeah, they do. And they let you like shoot at Hamas or whatever. Do your thing. Put a rifle in your hand. I mean, look, it's a very, obviously it's a very sad situation. And I think it's, it's, it's terrible that we're, you know, all my whole life, obviously there's always been conflict and you want peace. But what I'm saying is this is a non-refundable trip.

And so I want people to be, to live. We've spent too much. But I'm telling her, I'm like, if you back out of this trip, you're sending me a little more than they let you send on Venmo. So just get ready to sell some shit. Well, and also put a gun in your hand and be useful.

Go help. You're old. Who cares if you check out? Seriously. You're an old lady. Seriously. Just pray it away. Pray the stuff away. If it hurts, pray harder. You know, if you lose a leg, pray and it'll grow back. I don't know. Just fucking, I just don't want to hear it. People are such pussies about this stuff. I booked a trip and now she's like, I want to go to France instead. I'm like, France? Jesus wasn't born in France. Jesus never went to Paris. No. He wasn't like, oh, is the Louvre built yet? No. He was like,

working hard, doing his thing, hanging out at the bowling alley in Israel. That's where you're going. I booked you the trip. That's so interesting. What did they do for fun times back then? They just threw people to lions and stuff? Yeah, and dice. They shot dice a lot, and they were gamblers. Yeah, that's what they used to do. Play the guitar. They had guitars. They had lyre. That's medieval period. What the fuck did people do for fun back then? I don't know. I don't know what they did. Drank wine.

They had wine. We know that because Jesus made it for them. Yeah. And fishes and loaves. Yeah. That's about it. I mean, very retired. They didn't even have pornography back then. How sad is that? How did people jay their Ds? How sad is that? To live in an era with no pornography. Speaking of pornography, you did your show in Las Vegas. That's the worst part. It's the saddest thing of all. A hundred people. Well, so I went to Las Vegas a while back. Yeah. And you had a whole bunch of people come out. Yeah.

Can I tell you the best? So I invited a lot of people to my green room and to come to Vegas to keep me company. The greatest guests ever are adult film entertainers. Pierce Paris and Alexis Fox, shout out. They're the best guests. They never ask for free stuff. They don't ask for free tickets. They're just like, hi, I'd love to say hello. They come into the green room. They just sit down. They shut the fuck up.

They're not asking me a million fucking, how is that crowd? Every time we've met. How is it that the porn star is the best people? Adult entertainers. The best. Outside, off set, let's say. Because on set they're different. But off set, they are the nicest. Yeah. Most well behaved. Professional. Polite. Yes. I got asked last time, they're like, oh, you know, all these people want to come to your show. And they're like, oh, they all have tickets. They just wanted to say hi. And then they all come back.

And they're like, oh, thanks so much for the show. I had such a great time. Can we take a photo? And then they're like, thank you. Goodbye. That's it. Yeah. And you're like, how come my family can't do this? No, my own family. They're always asking for free stuff. No, the worst is my family will text me for your shows. Hey, I saw Tom is near me. Can I have, even though it's sold out, can I have tickets? I'm like, no, it's sold out, dummy. Same. And I get, my family goes, you're coming, blah, blah, blah. Can we have 13 tickets? Oh my gosh. And I'm like, what? Why? Why?

Because all my friends, you know, my friend who owns the fucking real estate company. I'm like, they can't buy a ticket. They own a real estate company. I know. Yeah. And they want to bring some of their friends. So can you hook them up? And I'm like, you know, my friends that come on people's fucking faces are a lot more polite than your real estate friends. Way more civilized. Yeah. The guy that can shit out his own balls. Puts his balls in his own asshole.

shits them out is balls and they're entertaining they have good stories they come they're fantastic guests jesus christ i know it's so disappointing yeah fuck they're better better than my own family definitely yeah they don't heckle like my own dad heckled me at the laugh factory like one of the first times i performed there and he brought all these hungarians and he heckled at me i said some joke and he goes yeah right

My own family. Yeah. So fuck that. Y'all are never invited. Here's the lesson is invite porn people to your shows. They know how to act. All right. Well, hope you're having a great Halloween. Hope you make sure you check those apples for razor blades. And we'll be back in a moment.

And we are back and so, so excited to welcome to the show for the first time the very funny, the very witty, the very handsome, the very thin, the very not poor Jimmy Carr, everybody. Let him hear it. He is on the terribly funny tour right now. You can get tickets at jimmycarr.com. It is a thrill to have you. Thank you for coming by. I'm very pleased to be here. I mean, it's a wonderful show. Thank you so much. You know, outing country singer murderers

is it's God's work you're doing. Where is he keeping those bodies? And how did that start? I feel like I'm late to the party, but it was like, when you mentioned it in Sledgehammer as well, I kind of went, oh, how is he not being sued? Don't give him any ideas. Don't say the words. I mean, the rumors are that there's a mass grave in Tulsa, but we're just, you know. That feels like that could be one of his songs though. You talk about hiding in plain sight, a mass grave in Tulsa.

Feels like, oh, I kind of want to hear that. I've talked about this in meetings. Isn't the idea of a megastar who tours the world the best cover ever for a dark, dark, dark? Like when you think about. You've already said too much. Thank you. Let's talk more about my tour. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it.

Let's talk more about my tour and the disappearing bodies. Can I tell you that when you talk, I just assume you're so much smarter than every other guest we've had. I mean, you probably are. There is a real health and safety thing here. I feel your wife, there's a very real risk she may slip off her seat. Oh, I love it. This is, I can feel it.

I feel there's a connection here. No, it's not that. I don't want to call him a cock to his face, but it really feels like this is about to happen, isn't it? I'm just saying that I feel like... I feel like Cruella DeVille's making a pass at me. Don't you feel like full retard when he talks? Because he's so much smarter sounding than I was. I mean, the British accent is... You'd always go like, oh, this is better, this is smarter. But then...

He is a very sophisticated way of speaking. You're so sophisticated. And he is actually intelligent. Because you meet like, hello. That's us. That's me. I'm the chimney sweeper next to you. Oh, hello, Jimmy Carr. Welcome to the show. Like, I feel like a fucking... You spent a year in Oxford. I mean, you're hiding it so well. Listen to his accent. No, but listen, you're hiding it so well. I kind of think all comics, though, have got like a...

It's how I measure intelligence. Like if people are funny, then they get it. Then they get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Where in England are you from? I'm from an Irish family. So we're an immigrant family. Oh, isn't that? Moved in 1970. Well, I mean, everyone. You're not allowed to be that? Yeah, you're allowed to be that. Well, no, I was born in England, but.

Irish family from Limerick, which is Limerick is, it's colloquially known as Stab City. It's quite a rough town. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty rough out there. So you'll probably find some great videos of Limerick. Well, you know what's funny is that I was just teeing up a couple of things to show you some of our all-time favorite clips and

Hello!

Nice to meet you. I'm from Calarny. I'm from Calarny. I'm from Calarny.

Yeah, that'd be my family on my mother's side. You'd think if you had that many teeth, you'd take better care of them. When you think like, listen, these guys are my last three. These guys, he could open a can, I suppose. Yeah, that'd be, I remember there was the, my mother had a relative who was only known as Tess of the Mountains.

Test of the mountains. I remember her son coming to visit us and these hands like shovels. Yeah. I remember they bought like a litre, a litre of Powers whiskey with them. They were coming to stay the night. They bought a litre of Powers whiskey and we were going, well, that's very generous. It seems like... Nailed it. Right there. Nailed it that night with a Chinese takeaway, just like...

like drinking it like it was water. And here's the thing, I was thinking about like, yeah, but you go like, what's this, like he's this age, what has he been doing for the last? That's it. Digging turf. Yeah. Don't forget your shovel if you want to go to work. There's a great singer called Christy Moore who's, who kind of,

He, he's like quite a legend in Ireland. Christy Moore's worth looking at if you love the Irish accent. Yeah. And a beautiful songwriter, very akin to country music, like it's real stories in the music. Sure. And there's a comedian who I think pound for pound might be, he's certainly in the top 10 greats working in the world today called Tommy Tiernan. Oh, I know Tommy Tiernan. One of the great storytellers. Sure. And he goes to all of these places and plays these bars. He's an Irish guy? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, very. It gets a little, I just want to know if you are... Do you understand what he's saying so far? A little bit, yeah. I mean, is it easy for you to understand that? No, I mean, I think, I mean, he's also mid-stroke, so that's the impediment there is he's having a stroke and no one seems to care.

No one's doing anything. That's very true. Because how would you take, if that guy had a stroke, how would you even know what are the danger signs? Yeah, exactly. Because you're supposed to look, oh, this is different than normal. Is there a little bit of slurred speech? Yeah. Yeah. How long have you had it? 40 years. Every morning, all afternoon, and at evening too. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's great, isn't it? Yeah.

it's almost like the guy interviewing him cues you and you're like oh yeah that is part of what he said there because he he's understanding part of it the guy interviewing him but I mean Ireland's just it's so one because a lot of people kind of come in I think the American comics come in they play Dublin and they go we did Ireland yeah maybe Belfast yeah

That's what I did. I did Dublin and Dublin. It's such a weird thing because of the state of technology when those countries were formed. Yeah. The accents change every 20 miles. Yeah. Yeah. Because you never got to move more than 20 miles.

So now you have this thing where culturally in big cities, like there's five big accents in the UK and they're around these huge towns like Birmingham or Manchester. And it used to be there was 30 or 40 accents around the UK, but they're coming, you know, there's the London accent, there's the estuary, there's the, they're bigger. Ireland's still got that thing where the accent changes so frequently. In every town kind of. And it's the phrasing. Yeah. It's the...

Fair play to you. And, okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't your accent say so much about like your status, maybe your place in the world? Well, broadly speaking, we have class in Great Britain. Yes, yes. And you have race in America. Oh, yeah, that's true. Although I kind of think that there, you know, I think it's, I slightly think it's the rich and poor thing says more than race. Yes, yes.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Well, also, too, in England, we're huge fans of the 7 Up series. Oh. I mean, it's extraordinary, isn't it? Extraordinary. It's absolutely extraordinary. For people that are listening or watching and don't know, this series started many, many years ago where there's like a premise to it. Where it's like, show me who you are at...

Erasmus. At seven. At seven. Give me a boy at the age of seven. And I'll kind of show you who you will become. And so they film these. It's a church thing, wasn't it? I think it's molest boys at seven. And I will molest him by the time he's five. And then that kid will come to the same stuff for many, many years, I think is the rest of it.

He'll come every time he hears church bells. It's a fascinating thing. So it follows these children who each have these very distinct personalities at seven years old. And you're watching- It's sort of the first reality TV. It really is. But it was like, it was done. There's one called The Family as well, which is really worth checking out, which is the first ever piece of Fly on the Wall. It's a family in Reading and they follow them and they just go to their house and watch them. And it's-

Really? Like as a piece of like, it's like an hour, two hours documentary. The family. They'd never done it before. They'd never put the Kardashian style cameras all around the place and just filmed the family being a family. And it's really. Well, 7 Up is crazy because you're watching school, seven-year-old children on a schoolyard. And they each, like I said, you know, some quiet, doesn't really say much.

boisterous, you know, shy, but you know, all the full range, the full spectrum of personalities. And then they go back at 14 and you're like, Oh, that's that kid. And then at 21 and 20, and so many of them follow, like, you're like, Oh yeah, that is the kid who was like, I'm going to go to Cambridge when he goes to Cambridge when he becomes a lawyer. And the kid, there is a theory on this, which is interesting, which is, um,

They did a thing at Harvard where they basically took a small subset of the class doing MBAs, which are notoriously very difficult. If you know someone that did one, you know, because they will have fucking told you. They'll tell you. More than CrossFitters. They fucking really, MBAs really. They're worse, right? They're worse, if anything. So at Harvard, they did this thing where they got this small group of people to write what they were going to do with their lives, to make a plan. And they did...

like by any metric, 90% better than anyone else. So it's that thing of like being watched makes a difference. Wow.

Like the idea that if you go, right, we're going to make a plan with the kids, what do you want to do? And sitting down and talking and that attention and focus and making a plan makes a huge difference to the rest of your life. The thing they don't teach you at Harvest Business School is to make a plan for your life rather than just to let things. This is the one lesson I wish someone had taught me. This is fundamental, is that if you don't take control of your life, life takes you.

You make things happen or things happen to you. But aren't you also saying that being watched...

Being watched makes a huge difference. Because if you say on this show, right, we're doing a thing in December. We're doing a live Your Mama's House experience. It's happening. If you say, right, we're doing that and we're going to do it. Or if you're, I mean, my idea for you, I'm not your business manager. I think your divorce should be pay-per-view. And it feel like we all know it's coming, right? No, no, no, no, no. He's got it. Go, go, go. Tom. I genuinely think it could be great. He's so smart. Let him talk. But that...

That thing of you being watched, it does. Can I tell you, this might be a reach here, but I really believe the other day, I have a trainer that I work out with all the time. And the other day, we bring somebody who's like a well-known fitness guy to the workout. And my guy who's with me all the time goes, what's going on today? You're fucking like...

doing more, doing, you know, and he's like, I go, I think it's that he's here. And I just had like extra juice. Like I was lifting more than I normally lift. And I was, you know what I mean? Like I was performing higher. And I think it's because of the guy's presence that I didn't want to,

Bitch out on her. If you want to see yourself really work out, bring an attractive woman into that gym. Wow. That's a great idea for a business. Just have hot chicks either mocking you or praising you depending on your... And you have to work out naked. I'm going to go ahead and follow Jimmy's advice and guess what we're going to do, guys? And then the divorce session follows. The new hot chick gym is opening on Lamar in January. They do a thing. I had a friend that owned a gym in New York and models got free membership.

Really? Like $10,000 a year for guys in the Wall Street models. No, no, it's free for you. That's hilarious. Well, I had a friend that used to run, my friend Scott used to run One Oak. You know One Oak? One of a kind? There were loads of them. Weirdly. It's a big club. And he runs Zero Bond now, which is fabulous in New York. A private members club thing. Anyway...

He was like, he used to run clubs and the hot girls would get in for free. Of course they would. They should. And then he said, well, because they attract the guys and the world is slightly misogynistic. But he went, I'm sorry, but I've never seen a hot girl buy a Jeroboam of champagne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But dudes will do it and dudes won't do it on their own. I would love to see. They'll do it when the girl's there. I'd love to see the girl. We need Cristal. The girl who's on the line of being hot going to be like, I'm here for the, I heard you get free memberships. And they're like,

Well, no, not everyone gets them for free. There's certain criteria. You know that theory of, you ever heard that theory of, it's in, what's it called? The genetic celebrity theory.

Warren Farrell, who's the guy that wrote The Myth of Male Power. It's kind of a little bit toxic masculinity, the book, or it's used for that. But it's got really interesting ideas in it. He's the guy that came up with the thing of like all the dangerous jobs, name a dangerous job, ice road chucker. Sure. Ditch digger. Longshoreman, whatever. Anything you get hurt doing is done by men because their lives are worth less. I don't quite buy into the whole thing. But he had this great theory in the book, which is genetic celebrity where super beautiful people

like properly symmetrical gorgeous models that have this thing where they experience the world in a very weird way sure where everyone they've never lifted their bag into the overhead right wow it's never going to happen yeah and of course they get to experience what it's like to be a six because time yeah

So they get to see everything. It's a really interesting story of like they go, oh, I'm becoming, I've bought this invisibility cloak of wrinkles. Right. It's kind of crazy. There's a book about this? This guy, Warren Farrell, The Myth of Male Power. But I wouldn't particularly recommend the book because I think it's kind of, it's a bit alt-righty and whatever. But I quite like reading those things that are outside of your frame of going, oh, that's an important book. It is fascinating to be around somebody who's like a legit,

10 and just to watch everybody around them. Were you talking the special about meeting Brad Pitt? A model, yeah, yeah. I know Brad Pitt too. Well, meeting Brad Pitt, I met Brad Pitt and Angelina once and I'm a straight guy. I'm European everyone if you're wondering. European can often be conflated with gay. 100%. In America I find they go, yeah, but he's smoked a few cocks, right? He sounds very English. No, not at all. But I met Brad Pitt and Angelina. And Angelina, you meet quite a lot of women. Yeah.

that attends like in life you often will walk in and go oh she's a very attractive young lady great so I met her and Brad Pitt was there and I couldn't take my eyes off him because I was going you never see a guy that attractive no you never it's too much power and I don't think they can handle it what does that do to a man they can't handle it he seems actually well he's had his obviously full life of like

you know, things that have gone well and personal, you know, relationship struggles, whatever. But what I'm saying is you meet this guy. When I met him, he was fucking 59. And you're looking at this guy and you're like, you're basically like, you're a 60 year old man. Like I've met a bunch of 60 year old men. My theory is Benjamin Button is a documentary. Yeah. Right. For him. He's been around forever. Yeah. But back to my original point with the seven up series is that there was one

one kid that did transcend his class. He would remember he was the jockey because I want to be a jockey. Yeah, I want to be a jockey. And then he ends up giving up the dream of being a jockey because maybe financially it's too hard for him, right? Because he's, you show it, it shows him he's taking care of the horses, but then I don't imagine his family. Is that the one who ended up a taxi driver? Exactly. And then he does the knowledge. I met him recently. You met

the guy I met the guy yeah how did you meet him he was in the back of the cab stop I was in the back of the cab I met him like six months ago and you did you put it on immediately no I got in he went he went he went hey Jimmy from the TV I said yeah he said I was in I was on the TV right away my whole life no

No fucking way, man. I was such an interesting guy. We had such an interesting ride. So what's his life like? Tell me. He's good. He's a cab driver. So he's very garrulous, very talkative. I mean, maybe slightly more so with me, but I think he just enjoys it. That thing of like being a cab driver is a pretty great job. Well, that's the thing in America. People don't understand that the knowledge, the knowledge, isn't that like you actually, it's a skill you must learn the roads of London. The knowledge is one of the most difficult exams in the world. I've always referred to it as university for working class people in London.

So it was that thing of like, if you were a bright and you wanted to make money, you did the knowledge. So you have to learn every single street of London. You're examined by police officers. Like there was these three retired police officers that examined you and gave you like shit talk to you and gave you a fucking tough time because they were testing not just your knowledge, but your demeanor. So it was this idea that they would like go, this guy's a fucking idiot. He's never going to fucking do it. Go on. How do you get to bow to whatever brick lane?

And you have to name every street, left, right, on this street, right. You'd have to memorize every street. I know. That's how you get to drive a black cab. So when you're in London, do not take an Uber. Only ever take black cabs. They're the best. And the guys, if you go, do you know anything about the history of London? Most of them do another thing where they learn a bit about the history or they'll just know, wow.

You'll go, tell me a little bit about it. And this is you waving down the cabs? Yeah, waving down. They've got an app where you can free now, where you can get it on an app. Holy shit. But they've done that work. So book them. You know who else has done that work? And what's your favorite thing about Coney? Stop. Jimmy Carr is my favorite comic. He just said it. Jimmy Carr. I think you need to check. Yeah.

I love it. Tony Blair. Kalani is, have you been to Kalani? No. The Ring of Kerry, done that whole thing. Jesus, it's nice. It's so nice. Really? Yeah, because you can tour. People don't realise, I was saying that earlier, if you go beyond the pale, beyond Dublin,

the world of Ireland. Like there's so many towns where you can just go and put on a show. I mean, Cork is incredible. I've heard of Cork. Now let me, I want to ask you this. Yeah, I know. Because you were talking about Tommy Tiernan being this, you know, he is a phenomenal storyteller. You are like pure,

pure and my a pure joke writer joke to joke joke to joke so was that because sometimes people change from when they started where did you start like that started like that like that it's like i think and i love storytellers yeah i was like obsessed by this guy billy connelly who's kind of the british george carlin everybody came up around the same time yeah similar trajectories he came from being a dj came from being a musician so billy connelly was in um a band with uh

Rafferty you know the guy that went on to Steeler's Wheel stuck in the middle with you no he was at Billy Cullen was in a band called the Humble Bums playing on stage and then they would talk between songs and then the talking became longer and the songs became shorter eventually he became a stand up

But was the first person to go out and book big rooms in the UK and go home. It's just me. That's wild. Huge in Scotland. Yeah, the big inn. Amazing. Back to the cab driver. Hold on. I just have to know one thing because it's making me crazy. Is he still married to the lady? Because they had rough times, but then they made up. Is he still married? We didn't cover that. I'm so sorry. God damn it. I'm desperate to know. There'll be another one. There'll be a catch up. All right. You've got to wait six years. By the way, he's got to be...

102, yeah. He's 102. So you did start that way. I think it's a weird thing where, I was chatting about this the other day, like a great tragedy in life. Some people live and die and never get to hear their own voice.

And stand-up comedy, when you think about it, it's like you finding your voice. Oh, finding your voice. Who are you on stage? Yeah. Tells you an awful lot about you. And you kind of, I think comics leak. Like, I just tell jokes on stage, dumb jokes. I very rarely tell a true story. They've got like one true story in the new show that I'm touring, which will be the next Netflix. But it's mainly just jokes. And yet I leak jokes.

You watch anyone, watch any joke comic, watch Dimitri or Zach or anyone like for an hour. And afterwards you get a real sense of, yeah, that's who they are. I bet they'd be like, yeah, great. It's a great way to describe it too, is to leak. You're leaking out who you are. It's like I've seen your specials, right? You watch people and you kind of go, I mean, obviously there's nowhere to hide when it's a podcast, when it's this long and this much chat. But just watching the standup, I've got a really good take on who you are, who Bert is, who people really are. Unless they're the sociopaths like Bill Cosby.

Well, there's a few. Very rare, though. And it's interesting. I could smell that way before. Really? Oh, please. No, no. I'm curious. I couldn't. Preaching to Eddie Murphy about what you should say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking weird. Dick Gregory's the man. Bill Cosby can fuck off. Yeah. I think the interesting one, too, is we always talk about how the ones who are adamant about being clean are the spookiest. They're the darkest. Yeah.

because their whole act is just like, you know, when the cookies are too hot and you burn your hand, you're like, God damn. Liars. And their whole thing is just like very, very family friendly. Then you meet, like we know them because they're comedians. You hang out with them and you're like, you're dark as shit, you know? Why don't you take a little bit of this authenticity to the stage? And they're like, no, no, no. Well, I like that thing about not having any, it strikes me that what you do, especially on the podcast, but really live as well, is you've got the barrier between who you are. Mm-hmm.

and what you bring the audience. So you treat the audience as friends. Yeah. And I think you get all of that back. Yes. Because they go, oh, he's not going, I'll tell this joke in the green room, but this isn't for Jen Pop. Right. Right. For sure. It's really nice. It's a real intimacy to laughter. If you think about what we're doing. Yeah. We're letting people go in our heads and we're going in their bodies. Yeah. Whoa. We're changing their physiology. We're changing their vagus nerve is like,

like we're changing it. They're laughing, they're releasing dopamine and serotonin and they feel fucking great after the show. They do. And it's performative, right? Yes. Being in an audience is performative. We think we're the only ones performing because we're dummies. There's a thousand, 2000 people out there and they're all performing. Right. It's fucking great being in a crowd. Which is why like when you're,

there's no more fun feeling than being in a hot crowd. A crowd that goes like, you can see it as the show starts. We're here for this. Whether it's a tiny club or a huge event arena, it's all good. And that thing about comedy, I don't think it's about edgy versus non-edgy because I think mainstream comedy, observational comedy, the stuff that Jerry Seinfeld does, has changed dramatically.

It changes society because actually it pushes that Overton window, what you can and can't talk about within relationships. You know, it used to be people couldn't talk to their partner openly about, you know, whether it's, you know, I think the thing at the moment, a lot of people talk about depression on stage. Yes. And it feels like comics got to that three, four, five years ago. Yes. Talking openly about depression and there's the great shows, great kind of one woman, one man shows and stand up bits and,

And then it kind of comes to the mainstream. We're always slightly ahead of the curve and pushing it, pushing it, pushing it. And giving people the language where they can, oh, sweetening the pill. You laugh about it a little bit as you go. True. And gatekeeper, we're the line keepers too. At least in this country, I think of speech because speech got real fucking tight during COVID. And I think it's nice that we're restoring, I think, more freedom of speech. I see it coming back. The podcast I love because you go, there's no gatekeeper.

Right. Stand up. There's no gatekeeper. If you have a gatekeeper, then you can get cancelled. Yeah. But without a gatekeeper, you just go, no, no, this is what free speech sounds like. As long as we're broadcasting, everyone can speak freely and disagree. And the idea of like, if you want to see where power is, who can't you criticise?

It's Voltaire. Fancy. Voltaire, first mention on the show. Wow. I told you he was smart. It's not just the accent. Yeah. Fucking. Cambridge. Hey, guy, I know your stuff. Hi, mate. Yeah. Yeah, no. Well, Canada. Who can't you criticize? Canada is having podcasts everywhere.

Yes, Trudeau is making you register your podcast. Yeah, with the same, in line with like radio stations and television. So it's like the setting up a podcast

to censor. Really? The censorship people? They are just so fucking far behind. The guy's trying to go, what words can, look, Carlin did this in the 70s, right? The words you can't say on television. Yeah, yeah. He hit this early. Oh, yeah. You go, the medium is the message. The medium of podcasting, the medium of stand-up comedy is total fucking freedom. Yeah. And why are people drawn to that? We're having a golden age of comedy at the moment. Yes. Comedians are filling arenas in a way that bands aren't.

Because bands are being fucked by the businesses. So you don't have to buy the album anymore. You listen to the single and then the algorithm tells you what the big song is. And you just listen to that. And there's this great quote, Bowie said it, you know, it's going to be like turning on a tap, turning on music. He said that in the 90s. So right. And then Jarvis Cocker from Pulp said music's going to become like a scented candle. And it often is, even if you love music. I fucking adore new music. I listen to everything. And...

sometimes you put on a playlist and you don't know who's singing and you go, this is a great song. I love this song. Yeah. Don't know who it was. Don't know who created it. I could sit next to them in a bar. I wouldn't know. I know. That's kind of sad. It is sad. And also you kind of, you feel like connected. If you're over a certain age too, you were raised on just an album. You would get an album and listen to the album. And that's, I remember some of my favorite albums, albums I bought, listened to. Yeah. Ah,

Bit disappointed. But I'm 20 bucks in. Right, right, right. So I guess I'm listening again. And then by the third time you go, I don't know. I kind of like this. But now it really is just about the single. Like people don't really...

reference like oh have you heard this album they just it's about a hit that streams and that's it when was the last time you saw a real movie as opposed to something with goodies and baddies oh for fuck's sake it's a kids film yes it's a kids film yeah like a film that takes you on some type of journey emotionally that has like a real arc to it

You look at what's out, a lot of times you're like, this is all bullshit. It's all bullshit because it's profitable. Because it's got a foundation of being profitable in the past. So they just remake the same shit. They don't take risks at all. No, there's no more. And also what I noticed, just in the airports, coming back from Vegas this week, sorry, three weeks ago, is the joys of conformity. Right now we're in a very conformist situation.

and I think a lot of that is due to the criticism on social media that a young person gets. Like imagine being weird in high school now and then a litany of comments of what a piece of shit weirdo you were. There's no freedom to be weird. - I tell you what I'm not worried about in comedy. I'm not worried about censorship and I'm very worried about self-censorship. - Yeah. - People not making the joke or not saying the thing. I mean, you guys are so fucking ballsy on the show to talk about stuff, to show stuff and go,

Our listeners know we're good people. Yeah, yeah. But any moment of it could be clipped up and there could be a cancellation or whatever. It's like, you know, you talk about some dumb cunt at American Airlines that's making you gate check your bag and then people get all fired. You're a good, I'm a good guy. You know what I mean? But the people, you listen, you call out dumb cunts when you see them. I fucking do. Yeah. Stupid bitch. Stupid bitch. So, uh,

Dan, what does the reopening of the pub mean to you? Because it means a lot because I ended up doing it for the last two years. Dan, I'm with. What does the reopening of the pub mean to you? It means a lot because we keep up the tradition of singing and music and everything like that. And we have dancing and everything. That's what we're doing. That's what we're dancing.

I do love the sheep. What was that? So if he's there, the bigger question, if he's there in the pub. Where are the teeth? No. Are the billy goats just walking across the bridge? Are they just with impunity? I don't know. That seems crazy. Yeah.

That does seem crazy. Yeah, it does. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I don't know anything about his mother. I don't know about any, anything about her interest sexually in bullfrogs, but yeah,

There's definitely a connection, isn't there? There's definitely something going on. What is going on? Yeah. It started very well. The first three sentences, absolutely no problem. Yeah, no problem. But then, so this actually makes me, this actually feels good to us because you always go, sometimes, you know, we'll play clips. It'll be an Australian guy and then the Aussies will write in. They're like, yeah, how do you not understand? I'm like, I don't fucking know. My ears aren't, you know, trained to it. I think sometimes that you need to tune in.

Yeah. I find sometimes with American crowds, like sometimes like the first couple of jokes, they're like just tuning in. They get it, but it like takes a beat. Yes. It's like that thing. They're translating. I had friends from the North of England that had like problems getting booked in North America or like chatting about getting something away. And they're, I don't know if people already go for your accent. Yeah. Like people don't know Peter Kay here.

and they don't know John Bishop. Peter Kay is probably the biggest comic, biggest selling comic in the UK. - No shit. - Yeah, he's doing like an arena tour where he does an arena every Friday, Saturday, Sunday night for three years. - Dang, homie. Three years? - Yeah, three years. 15,000 seater twice a week for three years. Peter Kay. People don't know him outside. And he's Northern. But then you watch Game of Thrones.

And everyone's got a fucking northern accent. Yeah. And then you watch Lord of the Rings. Everyone's got a northern accent. This is Peter Kay? This is Peter Kay, yeah. All right, Peter. He's a very nice guy. Jesus Christ. He's the biggest comic in the UK. By some margin, I would say ticket sales-wise. But full disclosure, whenever I watch an English show, I do have to subtitle. Really? Because I just want to, like, I watch The Crowns. It's a clip of Phoenix Knights. Phoenix Knights was his big... I do with The Crown. With The Crown? The Crown. The Crown. You have to say it. The Crown.

I do like a bit of a crown. So do the royals just have their own dialect? Or is that like a super upper, upper, upper crest accent? What is the royal accent? Are the royal family posh is your question. And this seems borderline retarded. It is retarded. It is retarded. I remember once playing, I did a gig at Buckingham Palace and it was like for the Jubilee. That's a biggie. 250,000 people in front of you. Jesus Christ. And the queen is there. She's in my eyeline.

And I say, look, everyone backstage is really nervous because we're going to meet royalty later on. And, you know, what's the etiquette? And then I looked at the queen and just went, just call me Mr. Carr. That's hilarious. And then five hours later, we're backstage. We're in Buckingham Palace having a drinks thing. And I get a tap on my shoulder and it's Prince William. And he goes, Mr. Carr?

It's very sweet. But the reason for that story is we're walking back afterwards and I'm with Ed Sheeran, who I know a little bit. And we actually, there's a couple of stories here. I'll tell you royal stories. So we're walking back to the palace and Ed Sheeran goes, this house is fucking amazing. How much money has the queen got? And I went...

Motherfucker, she's on money. She's on money. Pull out a bill. I'll give you the funny bit of the story. So we're with Stevie Wonder's there with us, right? And we all have to go back on. Motherfucker can see. Go ahead. A curtain call at the end. So this is where it gets to. So we have to do a curtain call and they're singing the national anthem. Very patriotic.

and we're walking back on the stage and Stevie Wonder's just ahead of us with his hand on his guy and he goes, I don't know this fucking song. And I go, it's on prompt. It's on autocue.

And he goes, motherfucker. And then he gets out his harmonica just for me and Ed and riffs over the top of the national anthem just for us. Just as a little treat for us. What a guy. Wow. What a guy. I didn't realize until recently Stevie Wonder was, you know, the happy birthday song. Yeah. Happy birthday to you is about Martin Luther King. And that was part of the, he was part of the whole movement to have MLK Day.

I didn't realize he was such a huge part of that. No, I didn't know that either. Yeah. I didn't know that Isn't She Something is about his daughter. I think people always play that for like their girlfriends. Sweet Caroline is about having a baby. I didn't know that either. And it's about his friend had a baby and it's about that baby. Wow. Like being thrilled with it. Born in the USA is anti-Vietnam. When you get booked though. We all knew that. Sorry. No, because we're talking. We're talking here. Wait, Jimmy.

I have a question about... No, no, no. Let men... Is it about seven up again? Jesus. But about the English accent. Listen, about the monarchy, their accent though, like what is... Is that just like so insular because they don't talk like anybody else in London. So what the fuck, what is that fucking accent? That's... I've received... That's how they say it too. Everyone used to speak like that. They go, what's up with our fucking accent? Yeah. Yeah.

Are they literally only taught that accent is what I'm saying. I think they're surrounded by those people. Just those posh... I guess. It's just the poshest accent. Yeah, it's pretty posh. Does it have a word? Is it called the poshest ass accent? What the fuck is it called? Posh motherfucker. It's strange for the British accent because there's certain...

like spellings of things that are there to catch you out. Yeah. Like Gloucester. Yeah. Man wearing his mannering and there's kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Gloucester, Leicester Square. Yeah. So then if it's not Gloucester. Worcester sauce, all those things of like, if you got it wrong, but I give away. There's something I love that Brits say that you never hear Americans say. I mean, just this word is shall. I shall. I shall. You'll never hear ever. We say fortnight a lot more than you. I like fortnight. Yeah. I like fortnight.

You like Fortnite? You know why? Why? Because I feel super smart when I'm like, that's two weeks. I know that from Shakespeare. I learned that. So, Jimmy, just excuse her. It is, right? A Fortnite is two weeks. Yes. Yeah, but a lot of motherfuckers don't know that. Jimmy, please forgive her. So, um...

Does your mother have a question about her? Don't be retarded. So... Hello, governor. Here's the thing I wanted to ask. So this happens to all of us for different gigs, you know, where you're getting booked for something and they go like, hey, when you do something that's like for the British royal family...

and also for 250,000 people and millions at home. But you're also, like, I know what you're like on stage. Do they go, hey, man? Or do you just intuitively go, I'll not, I'm not going to talk about the queen's pussy. Like, do you just go, don't worry? Or do they say, please? I was there, like, doing, like, a three-minute thing while they changed the drum riser

for Grace Jones singing in a hula hoop. It was crazy. I mean, it was a crazy kind of afternoon. But yeah, they, you know, be a professional. Also, if you want to be a badass, don't take the gig. That's what I'm saying. They followed me three days before and went, do you want to come to this thing at the palace? Yeah, great. Or if I get sat next to the queen at lunch, fucking talk about nice stuff. Sure. Don't talk about a pussy. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do have lunch with the Queen on the regular. Do you? I like Camilla a great deal. Yeah. Do you? Very fun. Really? Genuinely very fun. I can't tell if you're being serious. A great sense of humor. He is being serious. Great sense of humor. Wait, you fucking have...

She's genuinely... I'm so into the monarchy. She's really fun, likes stand-up. That's what I hear. Likes fun, likes jokes, likes drinking, just a good type. Can I tell you why? Because I'm deep into the history of whenever... It's believed that her family growing up, they were very loose, they were very wealthy, whatever, and they would just sit around and have parties and talk. And she's very... She was raised essentially to be... What?

like a nice social gracious person and she's she's universally loved apparently when you meet her you're just charmed yeah she's nothing but good now what about old dudsies the husband though oh charles is great char char's fun charles is like a genuinely kind of a polymath if you meet him i don't even know what that word is but it knows an awful lot okay so he's been at a lunch and a dinner every day of his adult life right since he was whatever i heard he skips a meal to stay he does yeah but his thing of like going uh

He sat next to the most interesting guy in the room at every dinner. So his breadth of knowledge, it's kind of like that thing of like, he just talk about anything and he goes, oh yeah, I know a little bit of that. And he was so far ahead of the curve in terms of going, it's very rare to have an Irish guy this pro-royalist, but he was so far ahead of the curve in terms of like non-GM and being good to the environment and, you know, all these kind of talking to plants. He was kind of viewed as a joke guy.

in the 80s and 70s talking about the environment all the time, which we know about the environment and things. But he runs a, I mean, he's a farmer, really. He's really into that stuff. Now, what about, I'm going to bring them up. Sure. Old Megsy, Meggy and... And Harry. Yeah. Harry. Harry.

I don't know how well... Harry Styles. What about Meghan? What's the sentiment? What's the pulse in the UK about them right now? I don't know. It seems... She's a right cunt. It seems very... I mean, it's my joke about her. I think it's a pretty good joke. I said Meghan Markle is, of course, a lifelong feminist, which she's demonstrated by marrying a prince and giving up her job. I'm not sure. I mean, the big thing Harry's done, which is brilliant, is the Invictus Games.

which is this thing with injured servicemen where it's a bit like the Paralympics, but specifically for servicemen and giving them kind of a platform where they can perform physically and compete. And it's pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, that's cool. But Invictus is from the Latin, not a victim.

Ooh, I like that. And it strikes me that the card he's playing is, I'm a victim. And you go, no, you're not a fucking victim. What are you talking about? Sure. What? Yeah. Like whinging about, I can't get police protection when I come back to Britain or something. Man, cry me a river. But he's not in the royal family anymore. And that's only given to the royal family. You just have to pay for your own fucking security. If you're not working, why would they give you protection? It's logical. I don't know. I mean, I listen, I wish them well.

well, I hope he has a great life and I hope he, I hope she has a great life. They seem like nice people. That's the British version of bless your heart. It is British. Let's go fuck yourself. Yeah, it is. It's totally. He's off doing his thing. I'm not sure. I'm not, I'm not sure I need to be told. But also what people say when they break up, they're like, yeah, I hope she's great. And I hope she has a very, very happy future. I've got a whole bit about in the show about the sometimes, sometimes in life. Yeah. You, you,

you have to apologize but what you want to say is fuck you yeah and there's a phrase for that

I'm sorry you feel that way. You know what you mean. They know what you mean. They can't touch you for it. Right. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry if what I said made you feel a certain way too. I'm sorry if what I said that was entirely fine made you feel like a dick. American Airlines, you fucking cunt. Yeah. Jimmy Carr, can I ask you another retarded question? Sure. I don't think you couldn't. Oh, I can't. That'd be the more interesting thing.

Okay. So when you're meeting the royal family for the first time, are you briefed on how to curtsy? Do you bow? A guy comes in, an equerry comes in before and says, what's an equerry? And you would say, same ma'am rhymes with jam.

Okay. Not mum, because they say mum. Mum. Mum. So women are always, it's been, I would say, well talked about that women are supposed to curtsy and everything. But what do they tell a man when you're meeting a royal? Because I've never actually heard, you know what I mean? Like behavior greeting wise, meeting a royal. Yeah, don't...

I don't know. Don't turn your back. I think that's meant to be you're not meant to turn your back on the king or something. What about the queen consort? I was told not to sit on the throne. Oh, fuck yeah. We went to a party at Clarence House and I was told not to sit on the throne. And then me and a guy called Jeremy Clarkson went and sat on the throne and took pictures. The Top Gear guy? Of course we did, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We were pretty hammered though. Yeah, sure. That's different. In fairness to us. Dang. So don't turn your back. And don't say like, what's up, dog? Or can you say that to the king? You can say, what's up, dog? Yeah, that's...

That's actually, that's the first thing I told her I want to say when I meet the cat. She's like, you'll meet him one day. Where's my dogs at? Yeah, where my dogs at? No, no. Remember we said when you meet him, you have to go, hello, governor. Oh, yeah, yeah. She was like, you would not disrespect him like that. I go, sure I would. It doesn't have the same effect on me.

It's not like I was raised there. There is a weird thing where everyone says that. Yeah. And then you're like, it's the station that they have. It's the, it's the heritage. It's the head of state. I mean, a lot of people are like anti royalty and saying we should get rid of those as the head of state. Sure. But as opposed to what?

What do you want to put in their place? Because there is like a ceremonial role where someone kind of sketchy can come and visit the country and they meet the royals. And it's kind of a way of dealing with that where it's not politicians and politicians. Now there's no statesman, right? It's put everyone's on a four year cycle of trying to get reelected, reelected, reelected. No one's making plans for the future or talking to people or that level nations need to talk to each other. So there was kind of a role they play there for sure. There is.

I was in. I mean, this is like there's certain things, you know, certain things like in stand-up when you're on stage that you say it right now after something happens. You can never duplicate that moment again, right? Like a line in a moment. Oh, yeah. And I happened to be in Dublin.

May 5th, the day of the coronation. Right. And I opened, like opened at three arena with Fuck the King. Like that was my opening line. And I almost couldn't

get to the show the ovation and the the singing the singing was like a like a football mat it was it was so crazy that i i turned back to the the guys off stage and i was like because they were just like like that they were singing okay so i did a thing in dublin i recorded a netflix special there and the crowd was so hot yeah like the crowd like on their feet clapping as you walk on

And I thought, I need to take a little bit of heat out of this crowd. I've got them at a 10. I need them at a 7 for a record. 7, 8. They can't be clapping on everything. So here's how I took them out. I said, I don't know a lot about Irish politics, but I just think we should have one island united. And they're on their feet and going fucking nuts. One island united under British rule. LAUGHTER

It's like the whole place blew up. And they all get in. This guy's fucking with us. They all know I'm Irish anyway. But it was like underbrick. Bang. That's an opening line. And then it just kind of comes down a little bit. Okay, everyone? We all joking? Yeah. I mean, the Irish crowds. Dublin, when it's right, is so fucking great.

I gotta go there. Yeah. You gotta go. I think that's the secret sauce on comedy when you're, I don't know how many years in you are. I'm like 25 years in. The travel. I'm 40 countries now.

So I'm 250 gigs on the year. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, whole of Europe, everywhere. You're always going. But that thing of, it's so fun to go to new places. It is so fun. And also you have, I don't know if you experienced the same thing coming over here, but there is that thing like, I did the international legs last on my tour. So I did all of North America and then the final thing was do Australia, New Zealand. I did a little Latin America and then I did Europe. And there's this thing every time,

where you arrive in a new country, a party who goes like, is this going to work here? But it's exciting because you go like, it's a little bit of extra anxiety that you go, how are they going to receive me? I played Paris recently and I thought it's just going to be expat British guys. And that was 90% French. And it was fantastic. And they understood you? I had to take it down a bit. You learn too that there's different levels of fluency. If you go to...

norway you can talk like you're talking right now you don't like there's there are countries where they're 98 fluent in english and then there's countries where they go no no they'll have it'll be good and you're like and then you can just tell on like when i did greece i did athens yeah

I did the same act, but I just slowed the pace down a little bit and that worked. I couldn't talk like this, like this. If you talk like that, you could tell that people were just missing. So you just dial it down, the speed, the speed of it down a little bit. But it's a conversation. Yeah. It's like Ron White said to me once in the green room. This is so good. This is the best comedy advice I've ever gotten. Go on. He goes, Christina, if you're doing bad, slow down. And if you're doing good, slow down.

Just slow down. Yeah, bro. Like you're right. What's the hurry? He's fucking great. He's a guy, you know, Peter Cary or Tommy Tina that wouldn't be very well known here. He's like a guy in the UK. No one's heard of Ron White. Oh my gosh. Because he never traveled. Yeah. Like we're all standing on the shoulders of giants, right? No one's inventing the thing single handed. So the idea of going on playing the Far East and going on playing Eastern Europe and

playing Germany, whatever, you know, the places that I will go and play. Yeah. I'm not the first in, it's always like, there's a few people who have done it all and there's an audience there. And, and now you can look on, you know, YouTube and Spotify or whatever and see where you'll play. Sure.

It's great. It's pretty crazy. I know right before I did the European tour, Ron and I, I took him to a basketball game. So he's like, so where are you going? I was like, well, I'm starting the European tour. He's like, like, like London. I go, no, no, like all of Europe. He was like, really? And I go, yeah. He goes, where's your first show? I go, Budapest, Hungary. And he was like,

Budapest. And I go, yeah. He goes, people are coming? I go, yeah, it's sold out. You know, it's two cities. The whole night, yeah. The whole night he was like, we were just sitting there watching the game. He'd go, Budapest? Budapest?

There's people going in Budapest? I was like, yeah, man. And then he was like- I find that thing of like the more obscure place you go as well. Yeah. That's so weird. Like if you play in New York, I'm doing Carnegie Hall later in the year and they'll have a great time. Yeah. But everyone at that show had other options that night. They had 50 options. Oh, yeah. So many great options, right? They're like, oh, okay. I could have gone to the Knicks game.

I genuinely want to go, thanks for being here. But sometimes when I play Budapest, they go, you're very lucky to have me here. There's nothing else going on this week. Yeah. And to your point, remember when Michael Jackson was so out of fashion in America and then he would go over to Eastern Europe and they're like, Michael, we love you. Like, well, yeah, because it's fucking communist country. Nobody's coming here. Or post-communist. Because we haven't heard the allegations.

Michael Jackson, RIP. God. Yes. Do you remember? Great man. Did a little dancing. Good guy. Remember the Martin Bashir? I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation. Love it. I just need a small kid that can keep a secret. Can we, you know, our boys just left.

They were just here. Remember Martin Bashir's interview with Michael? You can't find it, I don't think, anymore on YouTube. It was in the 90s. And Martin was like, you've done nothing to your face. You claim that you've not had anything done to your face. And he's like, no, of course not. People lie. People are so insensitive. And then the big hand comes out. What? What now? You can't do anything with the hands, can you, Michael? It's the big hands.

Some bake hats. God, it's so weird. I mean. It's so weird. And at that point, when Martin was interviewing him, he clearly had his nose shaved to nothing. It got so weird. The skin tone, he was as light as your coffee. And he wasn't always like. Yeah, he was like. Your face, yeah. Ghoulish by the time he was there. And then the eyes. Yeah. He'd done so much shit to him. He'd done a lot. It's really sad. He's so delusional. He was totally out of his mind. Out of his mind. I mean, that's a crazy. I think it was the Pepsi commercial, wasn't it?

Burned him up. Pepsi started it all. That's the beginning of it. Well, I don't think he had another day of his life where he wasn't out of his mind on painkillers. That's true. And he had the same thing Trump had. He had, what's it called? A scalp production. Yeah.

Wait, Trump had that scalp in it? That's Trump's hair. Why is Trump's hair weird? So what they do with the scalp production, so Michael Jackson had the top of his hair burnt off there, right? By the Pepsi commercial. So other sodas are available. So they put a balloon under your scalp and they blow up your scalp so you look like something from Saturday Night Live, right? And then they cut. It's one of the most painful things you can get done. They can cut the middle bit of skin out and then they sew that bit to that bit.

And so that, so your hair is spread over. So you get the hair from there over there. So it used to be the, before they had hair transplants, that's what they used to do. So Trump had the same thing. So the hair that you think that's a weird direction, that's hair from there. That's been fucking put there.

Wow. That's why. Yeah, his hair is crazy looking. I know everybody jokes about it, but why does he do the orange shit on Trump's... Hey, that's a retarded question. How come he doesn't get called retarded? Why is he suntanning like that? That's a retarded question. It's not suntanning. No, it's not. He's not suntanning. He'll literally...

You'll see him do... I'm not entirely sure it's not Cheetos. A presser... Cheetos are very Moorish. He does a presser like in the evening. No, I get it. You get it on your fingers. It's all... And then he doesn't have it here. That's true because I just got a spray tan for the first time. They do your whole face. Any comment you're going to make on looks now, you need to just check yourself in the monitor before you speak because you forget. You go, yeah, that guy's got too much makeup on. Or...

Sure. Or you're like, your hands are in your pockets and you go, Jimmy, is this a fucking retarded question or not? And then you look like this.

So, sorry, initially were you playing bass for The Cure? That's how it started and then you started the Banshees. Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, I love Susie Sue. She's touring again. She's wearing Hoka's sneakers. She's the best. I want to pivot to this though. She's from Sussex? You always looked good, but I saw you last, I believe, I believe it was 2015. Yeah.

That's a long time ago. Was it Montreal? Yes. Yeah. Good memory. But wait, you are leaner, right? Have you ever been fat? Because you look so lean. I got really, yeah, I got like fitter since having kids.

I found that thing of like, as soon as you have kids, you go, oh, the game's changed. I need to be on the floor. I need to be able to play with these guys. I need to be able to pick them up and put them down. I remember like the first time like playing with my son, doing all this. And my lower back, like the next day going, what the fuck? What have I done to myself? And you go, I'm not fit enough. It's like a half rack and loads of metformin. That's what I'd recommend. How old are you? You have one child or children? How old?

I got two. I don't know. I can call someone. You're clearly not there right now. I can call someone and find out. I think about one and a half and four. Dang, you're in it, homie. It's amazing. I mean, it's tickets to the great show on earth. I love it. I don't want to get boring about it. No, we love talking about it. It's absolutely incredible. Do you know that Tom and I are married and we have kids and stuff too? To each other.

Yeah, we are. It feels like you both could have done better, weirdly. I know, right? Both could have done better, but it's an odd thing that you both could have done better elsewhere. You both should have married a normie. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? And it's not too late. It's not too late. Oh, no. God, no. And there's a pay-per-view event that pays for the whole thing. Oh, no. Stop. Don't even joke about it. Oh, my God. Jimmy's fucking crazy. Don't text us.

So this, another Brit. It's a funny, interesting thing. All the Brits we've, or the UK, you know, that part of the world's people we're showing are lacking teeth. Yeah, it is weird. And this next person, also, same category. When you're sitting on your own and you can smell your own breath. Oh, for fuck's sake. And you're... Oh, God. Is that me?

I've been talking to people today. I can smell my breath. I'm going to throw up. Oh, my God. Now, that's... Now, it's a funny story how I met my personal trainer. Yeah. That's a lot to take in. Because I associate bad breath with teeth. Yes. But how bad could it be? I've been speaking to people today. It also changes so much...

are such an effect on appearance, right? Like this lady has a full mouth of teeth and you're like- Hair and teeth, I think is not the, I had a hair transplant and I got my teeth done. You did? Yeah. Looks great. It does look great. Dang, I didn't even know. So people do it nowadays and there's shit ones and they scan that. So like, what's the secret to a good one? Yeah, let me see that, dude. That's pretty good, isn't it? Where'd you have it done, Turkey? Turkey?

Yeah, sure, sure. I had it done by this guy at the Maitland Clinic called Ed Balls, who's really good. It's kind of interesting getting a hair transplant because the gag that I had about it was, so what they do, people imagine there's a donor.

People imagine that you're waiting by the phone for a call saying there's a guy from BTS who's been in a motorcycle crash. He's got an incredible quip. You've got to get down here. You've got to get down here. So they take the hair from around the back there where you've got loads of hair and then they replant it where you need it, like up the front. Yeah. So it works. The downside is, you know that sensation you get where the hair's on the back of your neck stand up? Yeah. If that happens to me, this bit goes spiky. Stop. Yeah, I look like fucking... Yeah, it's a joke. It's not a joke. But the idea of life, if I got freaked out, I'd look like fucking Tintin. Yeah, yeah.

But that weird kind of thing of like, yeah, I suppose it's that thing of... Wait, how much pain? Because here's what I imagine. Zero pain. No, no. How much panic...

when it's done where you're like, is this going to suck? Yeah. Right? Oh, yeah, I might look like crazy. But when you get your teeth done as well, the next day you kind of go, is this okay? Yeah. Is this okay? Did I go too white? I always think I didn't go white enough. Actually, I want it to look like someone opened a fridge. Let me see. They're good. No, those are great. Those guys stand out and they look fucking weird, dude. Are they veneers? Huh? Oh, I got everything done. My dentist described it as a mouth reoccurrence.

Yeah. I want all 30, because I didn't have that much time off. Can I tell you something? I want every teeth done. We talk about this all the time. The wisest thing you did was not go too white. Yeah, you can go. Those people do it. You see it all the time and you see it like people who are on camera and you're like, I just saw Rex Ryan talk about it. Can you pull up Rex Ryan teeth?

I just saw him on a show yesterday. Oh, Sexy Rexy? Yeah, dude. Sexy Rexy. He showed his teeth and you're like, dude. Like it just- Oh my God. Look how crazy those choppers are. It's terrible. Too light. No, that might've been before he had it done. Top left, top left. Yeah, you got to show them on panel now. Yeah, like the middle one there. Oh my God. The second one. That's crazy, bro. Well, also, homie, you got to factor in- Look at the person writing. Why is Rex Ryan's-

teeth brighter than white but also factor in the dark tan the oranger and tanner you are too it's proportionate to the whiteness yes i do i do look like um i died several weeks ago and this is the ghost of me that turned up for the halloween special yeah you look no it looks great you're fine you're not that that's fucking that looks crazy yeah that looks great but that's a weird thing like there's a theory on medicine who gets the best health care yeah

People in the middle, maybe upper middle. In England? In the world. Very richest people, very poorest people get the worst medical care. Why? Because no choice, too much choice. So if you go in as a very wealthy person to the doctor and go, right, I want my hair done. I want my teeth done. I want lipo. You can get anything you want, regardless of whether it's healthy.

Right. So you have this weird thing where this guy goes in and goes, no, I want the whitest teeth. And the dentist goes, okay, no, no, blue white. Fuck. Okay. Right. The dentist wouldn't have done that. Oh, that explains why Madonna looks so fucked up because nobody says no to rich ass Madonna. Simon Cowell. Yo, we talk about him. Simon Cowell went through a phase of looking absolutely fantastic for his age. Yeah. And now he looks like a lizard from space. Do you know him? Yeah.

I met him a couple of times. He looks so crazy. Yeah, he's pretty crazy. And that is what you're saying where you can go in and you go, I want this procedure. Who's saying no? Here's the check. Yeah, who's saying no? You're good to go. Yeah. Yeah. He looks, can we bring him up? That one? Dude, he looks insane. Although we say, I mean, there's that one there looks like, the one on the right there, the two side by side, pop that up. That looks like a taxidermy.

You know that thing of like, have you ever looked up bad taxidermy? Make that bigger. Make that bigger. But look, that looks like bad taxidermy. Have you ever looked up, that's, I mean, the one on the left there. Well, the guy's, he's showing the taxidermy. He goes, okay, I have to redo the left eye, obviously. Look up bad taxidermy. There's some amazing bad taxidermy. Let me, okay. So look at him. Look at him. Look at the line. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Have you never seen these? Let's go through these. Make them full size because we've got to let the people at home see these. Okay, so, okay. It's my first time doing taxidermy and I think I did great. You can tell what it is. Do you like what I made you? You know it ain't a snake.

Somebody's coming to pick this up. Do you have my lion? Yes. I shot a lion. I'm a dentist from somewhere. I'd love if you were the taxidermy guy because you're so refined with the way you speak. Okay, before I show you this, I want to manage expectation. Listen, they're not live animals anymore, but honestly, I think this was your pet lion. I'm very proud of my hunt. Okay, next one. Next one. Flip up. Oh, my God. The fox is great. Look at the fox. Oh, the cat. With his legs crossed.

What the fuck is that, dude? Is he waiting for someone to pick him up from the bus stop? What is this? The side view is kind of... This is terrible. Do I have a fat ass? And now show Simon again? Wow. This is what we're talking about, right? Yes.

It's his parents accident. I'm not entirely sure he's not dead. I think we might be weekend at Bernie's. You know what's crazy too is when I first saw this, I was like, what the fuck is going on? Someone was like, oh, he was in an accident. And I go, oh, fuck. So like a facial, like something happened to his face. And then the article is like, yeah, he hurt his back in a car accident. I'm like, oh, so this has nothing to do

Like he was in an accident that affected his back and then he somehow decided to do this. It's the guy that did my hair actually, Ed Balls, who's a great guy. And he became a hair surgeon because he worked as a plastic surgeon for 25 years. I went, ah, it's kind of not bringing me happiness because someone comes in, they've had a car crash and I've got to do facial reconstruction surgery. He's got a great eye and it's God's work. I mean, it's beautiful to bring back someone's face. Sure.

But it's not the same. It'll never be the same again. It's a new life and I'm going to walk you through this and it's going to be okay. And then he's doing hair transplants and it's a bunch of kind of, you know, middle-aged men going, hey, this is fantastic. Or especially with the work he does with women as well, whether, you know, we're doing hairlines or eyebrows or whatever. Fabulous. But they lowered his brow, his brow.

Or they took out the lid on top and they lowered it. He should have gone up. It's very crazy looking. It's very weird. Whatever it is, it doesn't look good. But then dropped his eyes. There's also, I would say, there's a happy medium where more needs to be done here. Yeah, sure. This is not done. I mean, don't do that. But meet us halfway. It's a visual medium. Lower blephs are probably next, right? Blephs. He needs his blephs done. These are the blephs.

You get filler injected into that. That's what I told him. She keeps telling me to do that. Just start with Philzies. Come with me to LA. I don't know because your whole, I think I can kind of get away with it. Maybe I can't, but your whole thing. Yeah. What are you selling?

Authenticity and charm. Authenticity and charm. You get up on stage, you tell us about your life. You're so open. You're so you. It just feels like, I mean, you could do it, but people love you as is. Right, so don't... That's what I always say. When you drop the weight, I think it was really interesting because people really felt like it was...

this guy didn't get his money right. This guy just got his life together and we were on the journey with you. And it was really interesting. It's like, it felt like you brought people with you. So if you want to, if it's good for you, then do it. Don't do it for. I think the only rule about doing shit, I think as a comedian or for myself is,

is you can do something, but you gotta like talk about it. - Yeah, you can't. I remember my friend once had a hair transplant and there was a story in the paper about it. And he wrote to the paper, like an open letter saying, "Thank you for drawing this to my attention. I'm gonna have my people look into it."

That's great. Yeah. No, I've just chopped it off. You know, just whatever. Yeah, why not be honest, especially as a comedian? You're not fooling anybody. No, of course. You have to. All the comics that we've... Every leading man in Hollywood is out of hair transplant. Yeah. And they're all fronting about, oh, no, I cut it for a role. The other ones that all the super jacked dudes, like if they're asked, they go, no, I'm just eating chicken breasts, working out. And you're like...

You're carrying 250 pounds of muscle. Like you're on a lot. What is that idea of like the Kardashians going, no, I'm not. What are you talking about? Oh my God. Yeah, it's so crazy. Like that thing of, it's so unfair to the people though on Instagram, especially the young girls, the young boys going, I aspire to that body. Why can't I get there? Yeah. Well, if you're honest about what you did. Yes. Then it becomes a different thing. Sure.

I know. And it's so I grew up in Los Angeles with really attractive people like symmetrical. Do they make you leave? No. They kicked me out. I'm just watching the monitor. You look so crazy. I grew up in Los Angeles, bro. Yes. You were in the monsters. Yes. I love the monsters. Yeah. But I grew up. Your brother was a werewolf. Yes. Yes. Tell us more about your life.

And your uncle was just a hand. Yeah, I know. He's the craziest. But I grew up with like legit, like bathing suit models and shit. Like this girl I went to high school with, she was a fucking body glove model. Like she was gorgeous. So when I see these Kardashians, I'm like, oh, that's all plastic surgery. And that's all synthetic good looks. You know what I'm saying? Some guy in China, you ever hear this story? There's a guy in China that sued his wife. So he married this girl, met this girl, married her, had a baby. And the baby's ugly.

And he sued his wife. He sued her. It might have been, might have been South Korea, but he sued her saying, you had so much plastic surgery. You saw this a faulty bill of goods. Yeah. And then we have this kid that's ugly. Yeah. And what are we going to do with this? Dude, the Asians don't fuck around. I love it. The most plastic surgery in the world is, um, is South Korea.

For what the eye is? A lot of them have the eye procedure done. It's very popular. Lots. I mean, there's a real aesthetic to it. I know. What's interesting is there's an entire generation of women who want to look like Kardashians. Kim's face. That's such an interesting thing, though. That's a one-time story, but a guy, let's say a super rich guy, meets some chick who's some hot model-looking and then has kids. And then you go like, oh, wow.

You had so much stuff done to you that this is the representation of who you really are. You're so cut up. There's a weird thing now where people going to plastic surgeons don't even bring a picture of the Kardashians. They bring a picture of themselves from Instagram with a filter on it. And I want to look like this. That's crazy. I want to look like I pretend to look online. Wow.

So you get this weird thing where people haven't even got FOMO for other people's lives. They've got FOMO for how their life looks because Instagram is the highlights reel and life is a bloopers reel. Yeah, fucking hell. Yo, yeah, sorry. Even my makeup artist, I did something. You have a makeup artist? Yeah. I don't just look like this. Made me...

Like contour, like he can do the Kardashian contouring. Oh, on the, yeah. I once had a girl do that in Los Angeles where we're waiting on a show and there's some time that you wouldn't do contouring. It's hilarious. It looks like two stone in 20 minutes. That's what I'm saying. Like he does my face for specials or whatever and it does, it looks, it doesn't look like me, but you look at the photograph and you're like, this is fucking amazing. You look great, but it's creepy. My plastic surgeon is pretty great. I got to see my plastic surgeon. He goes,

nope anything I ask him about he goes no we're not doing that what are you talking about what do you want to do you can have a time like I do a tiny bit Botox there a little bit there so you don't get jelly a little bit there not there and you can fill it there but not there okay whatever

But then he will, anything I ask him about, he goes, I asked him about buceal, is it buceal fat reduction? What's that? So it's where they, one of the guys from One Direction had it done, I think. Is it Liam? You can get a picture up where they take out the fat there. Whoa. So you go from having, I've always had chubby little cheeks. It doesn't matter how much weight I lose. I could be, you know, 50 kilograms and I'd still have chubby cheeks.

but they take out the fat from here. So you look like chiseled and motley. Holy shit. Right. So look at this. I mean, it looks fantastic. No, it doesn't. It works good. The issue is when, when that down the line, everyone age 50 goes, I need you to get the fat back in there. And it doesn't look as good when you put it back in because that's what ages you. Your face will hollow out anyway. Yeah. You don't need anything done, Jimmy. No, you're perfect. You're beautiful. You're perfect. The way you've already done loads of stuff. Yeah.

You're perfect the way you've spent an absolute fortune on your face. I'll tell you this too. I want to tell you this like sincerely too. When you're a comic, right? Sometimes people come up to you and they go, hey, I'm sure you're tired of hearing this. And then they give you a, they're like, I think you're really funny. And you're always like,

that never gets old. You can say, if you ever think a comedian is funny and you see them in person, go ahead and tell them you think they're funny. Like they'll never say, Oh, that I'm sick of hearing that. But, um, the thing that always sticks with you is when other comedians tell you something like it, I have like a perfect memory lock of, of,

of comedians saying like, that was really funny. Yeah, it's a good bit. And man, when you told me that in like 2015, I did not expect, you came up to me at the Catacombs

in Montreal and you complimented my set, it carried me through the whole week in Montreal. Because I think you always go like when other comics, it's different than someone being like, I thought that was really funny. Man, it just, it was. It is a lovely thing actually. I think that thing about like comics, like the great thing about the comedy mothership here in Austin or whatever, that thing of having a great club where you're going out and seeing stuff.

and going out to shows and watching stuff. I watch everyone's specials because you kind of have that thing of going, yeah, you're going to bump into that person. You want to have a view on- On who they are. Yeah, and also the joy of it, remembering why, because it puts you in the audience seat. Sure. And then you go, oh, right, when I see, oh, that's going to be what it looks like. Yeah. Where was yours taped? Where was Sledgehammer taped?

in Phoenix at the Celebrity Theater. It's like one of the few in the States that are in the round still. I can't believe how good it looked. Oh, the set. The look of the thing. The set dressing. It was my special. Other than you. Other than me. Other than you. What they did production-wise with that set, I thought it was the most beautiful set I'd seen for a special. I thought they absolutely killed it. When I walked, sometimes you walk. It's almost like no set. It's just lighting.

The lighting, but the way that they did it, I walked out. I remember during like the sound check and I was like, this looks fucking unreal. Yeah, I was really amazed. The lighting's everything. It is. Because the same guy did my special, the last one did yours. And I remember being like, because I've seen, especially with women, the older you get, I'm like, you better light me the fuck up. I want to be lit. Do you know what you're going to do next? Is that a secret right now? No, I just taped it. Oh, you just taped it. Where'd you tape it? I taped it in a place called Aylesbury. It was a really beautiful theater, quite new.

And it's just the reverse look great. The reverse shot was great. And I like to do four shows because there were a lot of audience stuff. So to capture it. So it was- Oh, I've heard this and I never confirmed it with you, but people say it. And I was like, I was telling people and I was like, I should just ask them, is it true that you're like heckle if you want? Yeah. That is true. Yeah. You're like the one guy. I often do a thing where I do a heckle amnesty where I go, we haven't had enough from you tonight.

Just bring it. That's because he's in the UK and people are smarter. No, it's that thing of like you go, they're not trying to ruin the show. They're at the show. It's a thousand people all with the same sense of humor as you and everything's in service of the show. So even when they're heckling, it's like, okay.

Okay. But that's not always the case. Well, sometimes you get a heckle and it's something aggressive. Yeah. And you treat it like a customer inquiry. Yeah. Treat it like you work at the local rental place and there's a complaint. Sorry, what's going on here, sir? Your evening's not working out the way you wanted it. What's happening? What did he say to you? What's something someone would say to you?

when you welcome it it's always like you stupid cunt and you're like thanks okay you're fat you're ugly okay the dumb shit yeah just I mean there's a million different I think the more personalized the more in the moment it can be like the thing with the king or whatever yeah that thing of like the more personal it can be and then it can sometimes they're like almost like you write jokes and then you can go okay that'd be a good thing to say to a heckler sometime oh right it's kind of in the rolodex of okay there's something you could do so there's a bunch of that stuff online that I've done I just really like it I like the thing of like

asking a comedian to do an hour of comedy with no script is like asking a magician to do real magic. Yeah. But the heckle bit, you go, people can sort of see you stretching a different muscle. And if you keep the cadence, the rhythm of it, the same as your,

written material it's got a real kind of yeah it just kind of suckers people i love it i've seen i've seen it like i've been seeing you live and i've i've seen clips of it on and like it's it's very admirable you're like you're the best oh well it's very kind of you but the um it's very enjoyable as well yeah because it's that thing of like 250 dates on the year like it's

you want to keep the show fresh. You want to make it feel like it's different every night. - And that keeps it like, yeah, absolutely. - That and new stuff every night is my rule. - Every night? - Every night, new stuff. - So that means you're- - End of 90 minutes, pull out a piece of paper and try five new jokes minimum every single night. - Oh, okay, you scared me. I thought you meant a whole new hour. How are you even doing that? - No, it's just, I mean- - Yeah, I like to write new things too. Otherwise you get so fucking bored. - And that gives you something, right? - It gives you a reason to write the new stuff as well. - I think for me, the way that I do is I'll get into like, I'll be on tour.

it's now a show right or you go like it's here this is the show and i'll start i'll get into that phase where i'm like what is it and i realize what the thing that i'm feeling is that there's nothing new right because i've been locked into the hour and you start to go and then what changes it for me is even if it's even if it's 30 seconds at the top yeah i love that when you're in a new town where you go hey what is it with the camera i'm sitting yeah

And anything at the top that for me, and if that gets a laugh and it works at the very, I have a whole energy for the entire show. Yeah. And then if it doesn't work, it's kind of, I got the show. I got the stuff. Don't worry. I got the goods. He was just, I was just warming up. Just testing the mic. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I actually like to see imperfection. I find audiences like imperfection. It's live. You're not watching this on Netflix. This is the, you come out, you bought a ticket, like slightly the rugged. Why do you want to see a band live? Yeah.

I could listen to a perfect recorder. You've already been in the studio for six months. When you stumble on something, especially if it's authentic and you're trying something and something goes wrong. I mean, you find that those audiences go, that was fucking so cool. They love it. Or when you throw a heckler out. Oh my God, the other night I was at a club and the mic went out for like seven minutes and I...

I just started planking. I did Pilates for them. I started talking. I was like, what'd you do today? And this woman was like, I did mushrooms. And I was like, no way. Like it became this whole thing, but people left and they were like, that was the greatest show I've ever seen. And you're like, that was the worst seven minutes of my life to have to like vamp. But they think it's this happening, you know, like in the sixties, like, Oh, it's so spontaneous. And you're like, I guess it's not what I wanted to do.

but we fucking did it. Unplanned is the way to go. Yeah, I think that's why people like podcasts too. It's not, there's no rehearsing. This show's, I mean, it really is fantastic. I'm interested to know what the live event is. I'll tell you. I'll tell you off mic because I don't want to give it away yet. It's too exciting. We're super excited.

Yeah, it will be in December. Because you did it in, was it 2020 or 2021 you did live events? We did them through 20 into 21. We even did a few after, like we did one last year, live ticketed shows. That was, it is super fun where we do a live podcast. There's no rules, there's no restrictions because it's not on YouTube. And then we would have like musical guests and we would, you know, do all these different events

elements to the show, raise the production of it. - I think doing those on the regular, because I know it was the pandemic and people couldn't get out to anything, but realistically, even if you're both playing big shows or on a tour, most people that listen can't get out. Some people just can't. They're living in a town where they can't get away or they're busy mom or whatever. They can't get out to the show or they didn't get the tickets. You sell out when you play places.

So that thing of like doing that on the regular, like for people that do this, you know, they listen every week and you go, yeah, once every six months, I'll spend 20 bucks because I'm going to, I want to see a standup set and a few of the regulars that come in and a bit of the chat. And also it's kind of you, maybe that's where you do the murder podcast. Yeah. And you finally find out who Garth has buried out there. He's onto something. He's onto something. Only murderers on the non. Yeah.

You can watch Jimmy. Obviously, you can look up all the videos we're talking about. You should see him do this, but you should see him live more so than anything. He's on the Terribly Funny Tour right now. You can get tickets at jimmycar.com. It is an absolute pleasure. I'd say check out his dark material on Netflix because that'll let you know whether the show's for you. There you go. Yeah.

You don't just walk in and watch any band. You shouldn't just walk in and watch any comic. Go on Netflix. Check out Jimmy. It's been a pleasure being on. Thank you so much. Come back, please. Thank you so much. Happy Halloween, everybody. Happy Halloween. Are you kidding me? We're going to fill this up? I like that one. All of us. I can't say what's dark, bro! Dark Brooks. In my dream. Dark Brooks. In my dream. Dark Brooks. Dark Brooks. Dark Brooks. In my dream. Dark Brooks.

I like that. I get sandwiched!