Happy Birthday Tom Segura! | Your Mom's House Ep. 759
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Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So, first call your parents to say, I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. Good morning, Julie. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day.

♪ Tell you that meeting you yesterday ♪ ♪ Getting a look at you ♪ ♪ Was probably one of the greatest moments of my life ♪ ♪ You were so beautiful ♪ ♪ You don't know how beautiful you are to me ♪ ♪ I mean just ♪ ♪ You're gorgeous, you're precious ♪ ♪ And uh ♪ ♪ Where this been sitting in my mind ♪ ♪ When you said to me ♪ ♪ You wanna go back with your ex-boyfriend ♪

Please erase them from your memory Don't ever go back in the past I know, cause I've been there and I Understand when you know you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates I think I'm past to your ass But there is that better person out there than Julia I promise you, it is me I will love you like you never I will cherish you

After you experience me, you won't even know you're ex or friend. So, give up your heart to me and your arms. Let's go full throttle. I can see me falling in love with you. You're just, I don't know. I just looked in your eyes and I just melt anyhow. I'm heading off to work. Ciao, baby. Let's go full throttle, baby. Ciao, baby. Ciao, baby.

This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail, the floors, the light and the plumbing doors, windows. So this is the type of guy you're getting. I'm a very...

Wow

So this is the type of guy you get. Oh, wow. Isn't that incredible? It's in the next Disney movie. Yeah, that is such a great. So here's the Dillio. That was made with Suno, a generative artificial intelligence music creation program designed to generate realistic songs that combine vocals and instrumentation. It was sent in by Subliminal X3. The direction he gave it was to make it an East Coast pop rock male vocal song.

That was amazing. That was really good for me. That was very, very, very cool. I hope this video doesn't scare you. I like the part where he goes, everything I did, everything behind me. He breaks it down a little bit. That was really good. That was cool, man. Let's go full throttle. Full throttle.

That was awesome. We still haven't found Joe. You know, of all... We did find Joe. But I mean, we haven't spoken to him. Well, that was on purpose though. You don't remember? I don't. Yeah, we found him... I've got holes in my brain. No, we found him years ago. We found him, totally located him, phone number, everything. And it just was the kind of thing where I was like, yeah, I don't think...

he's going to find... You know what I mean? It was just too embarrassing. Should we just cut that out? No, I don't think so. Talking about him? No. Oh, God. Do we need to cut it out? I don't think so. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. It's like...

I just feel like you can let that guy go, you know? Yeah, because what's he going to say? He's like, I like the... Yeah, he's going to be like, that was humiliating. Thank you. Thanks for bringing it up. That was like 10 years ago now, right? Yeah, it's been a while, man. It's been a while. Real quick, on the date end. June 7th, I'm in Kansas City, Missouri at the Starlight Theater. June 8th, Camdenton, Missouri at Ozarks Amphitheater.

And June 12th, Wilkes-Barre. Is that how you say it? Yes. Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza. Those tickets are at tomcigar.com slash tour. Thank you very much for everybody who has been coming out. The tour has been a lot of fun. Are you coming everywhere on that tour as well? You're not going to come in the rooms like you. No, this is coming together. This is coming together. Totally different tour. So they have to come. Yes. Okay.

You? Where are you going to be? I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida, October, August 16th and 17th. ChristinaPOnline.com. Mwah. There you go. That was really cute. Um, yeah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Gorgeous. Gosh. I mean, that song is just- Amazing. Totally amazing. It's amazing how much that clip, how much joy that Joe's given us, Robert Paul's champagne. Yeah. There are just certain clips that really live. Robert, by the way, I hope you're well. I saw such a nice comment from him the other day. Uh-oh. It was somewhere on Instagram.

I had posted a video and he just wrote, Tom looks good in yellow. Okay. Very nice. Okay. And I just wanted to say thank you, Robert. Yellow is outside of my comfort zone. So hearing you say that really made me feel good about myself. Well, of course. He is sometimes a little critical. Right. But he's also, he's got great sense of style. Of course. And so when somebody like him says that works, I go, okay.

I lock it in. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. He is a fashion. Very fashion forward. Yeah. He gets that shit, dude. He's not retarded. I'm very excited to do this episode. So can I, can I give you a opening clip? Yeah. I'm so excited to get into things. Let's fucking do it. Let's go. Yeah.

Who is Randy?

Jesus. Mom Segura. Keep feathering it, brother. Feather it, brother. Feather it.

I mean, this Russian chiropractor shit is the fucking best. Here we go.

there's more well i like how in the beginning he's just dismissive with the initial crying he's like come on come on please oh you mean after he punches her in the back yeah and then he said come on come on stupid cry baby pussy yeah wow she's like ah he's like come on come on relax yeah stop being here's the first one again it's so good oh

Yeah, that is not a chiropractic move, by the way. That is not. He's just like, this is effective. Well, he's wearing fingerless gloves. That's not how you do that at all. Just fucking hammer somebody. That's not how you do that. Okay, okay, relax. Fuck this, fuck this. Ugh.

She's crying. Oh, shit. Okay. That's cool, right?

Thank you, Russia. I didn't even know they had this chiropractic shit there. Is that his punching glove on his right hand? He's got fingerless gloves on one hand. It's not good, babe. This I used to punch, kick, hit. It's a very macho culture there. You can't, there's no such thing as pain. Suck it up. Yeah. That's why he's chastising her. He's like, come on, come on, shut up. Imagine if it was a guy that was like, ah, he'd be like, you're not man. No, take a shot of vodka. Suck it up, pussy. Vodka.

Oh, yeah. Stop being a bitch, dude. But my spine. That's true. You don't need a spine. But then again, you know, they do well in Russia, right? Not a lot of paralyzed people. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just guessing. I believe there are probably a fair number of them. No, no, no, no, no.

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Do I take the OZMPs and then go on a trip or do I just say fuck the points like Joey Diaz and do I just get off the OZMPs for that one trip? - I don't think you do that. - Really? - No, I think you stay. - But then I won't enjoy the foods as much. - Don't go crazy. Don't do one of your fucking 500 unit injections. Just do a regular one. - Yeah, that made it all the way to people.com. - That was pretty cool.

I apparently, I OD'd on Ozempic, which to me that OD'd implies like death, hospitalization. None of that happened. Well, I think what you were saying was pretty clear. OD was meant as a superlative, you know, it was an exaggeration. People don't OD and die on that. You were just saying, I took too much. I took the wrong dose. And then people were like, you can't OD on this. Right.

Yeah, and not only that, I love how everybody in the comments is immediately a medical professional. Thank you for all the fantastic medical advice on Instagram. So many people also did. I looked at it and people were like,

It's not how it's given. Like they don't understand that you can be given compound version and self-dose. But they're the experts. So they're informing everybody. That's just indicative of how everything is now. People just comment, have no idea what they're talking about and go, I'm going to speak with confidence. Because I did this thing once.

Yeah. So I guess you're right. I should probably stay on the OZMPs and then enjoy one or two bites like a civilized person and then move on. Yeah. I think that's what you should do. Okay. On a normal dose, I will do that. Because it is working. Now, the first week where I did too much dose, lost a lot of weight that week. And now it's slowed down since I've been doing lesser. It's almost like you should just live in pain.

To lose the weight, right? I should do that. The chiropractor, the Russian way. Live like that. Yeah. That's the way to live. Like, so what if I feel like vomiting all the time? It's fine. Yeah. It's fine. Constant acid reflux. Diarrhea. I did. Yeah. I did. But it also makes you taking trips is what is one of the things that you realize this is how you pick a partner for life. Because we were talking about how do you know you're with somebody that you should be with?

How do you pick a partner? Well, because a life partner is the most important choice you're going to make. Who you marry will dictate your mental happiness, your physical happiness, your money, how much success you might have in that and your family life. By partnering up.

It's a huge problem or a huge benefit. So it's real important. And it's also endlessly fascinating. It's a topic that people are never tired of because everyone's looking for someone, you know, everyone's trying to shack up as they say with somebody. Wait, but what were you getting to? Sorry, I forgot what we were talking about. Well, I was just saying that one of the, one of the ways, you know, I think is that

It's who can you travel with? - The travel. - Travel is a big one. - Huge. - 'Cause everybody, even if you think of outside of a relationship, even you think of friends, have you ever been on a trip with a friend and you realize, Jesus Christ, like this is my friend when we're in the same town, but taking a trip with them is another story. - That's right. - Because one of the things that happens when you travel is you see what somebody's like, what they're like on the road. Like I travel, we both travel for a living,

And so sometimes like you bring like comedians with you, you know, and, and, and you have your crew and you can see that some of them are like, what are we doing today? And you're like, what are you doing today? What do you mean? What are we doing today? Like I'm doing me, which is like, I have my, I have my own routine. I've done it so much now. Now I realize what it is, which is I try to get good sleep. I don't sleep late. Like that is all done that, that time. Really? What time do you, you wake up? Like generally. Yeah. If it's on the road, I'll still wake up.

Look, there's time zones, so this obviously gets affected, but I'm generally sleeping just whatever time I go to bed, between six and eight hours. - You're still keeping it. - Yeah, that just happens. I don't get the thing where it's like, oh, now I'll sleep 11 hours. It doesn't happen. - I do that. - Oh, my body's not capable. - Oh, man. - I've had the nine plus. I think that's the extreme of it. So that means I'm generally waking up at eight o'clock,

you know, maybe nine. Like that's, if you, if you take into account a dramatic time zone change, sure. It might appear to be later, but it's not more sleep. Right. You know? So what I'm saying is I wake up, I have coffee, I have breakfast. And most of the time we're just already thinking about like, okay, am I going to the gym now? And then after that, it's like, there's going to be possibly sleep.

An outing? Possibly. Possibly. Not every time. If the energy exists for that sort of thing. If the energy is there. And if you do, that's generally if you're staying in a downtown city type thing. So it's very easy to just go downstairs and like check something out, go to a...

I mean, I've done museums, I've gone to stores, things like that. And sometimes it's just like a nice walk. Like when we were in Seattle, we just went for a walk, you know, but they have the whole market there. So it's like, you know, you're with people, you're seeing things. Maybe we got a coffee when we were out. We take our walk. We were back an hour later. That's it. That's the outing for the day. Then I had phone call. I have Zooms, meetings, you know, and then we're like, okay, we're going to go do sound check. We come back.

do a little workout, go do the show. That's the routine. So that's what I duplicate. If somebody's coming into this group and they're like,

I don't want to do that. Then you're on your own. Like you're not, you're not with us. Oh yeah. When I invite, I invite other mom friends to meet me on the road. Oh yeah. And you know, one of them is like, great, well there's this restaurant during the day we can go to. And then at night there's this thing. And I was like, I'm not doing any of that. I'm sorry. Like I have to conserve energy. Yeah. I travel. I'm not doing any of that shit. It's an energy conservation thing. But what I'm saying also is,

Let's say you're talking about a fun trip. Even if you're going like, I'm taking a fun trip. You still have people that you can do that with and people you can't. A thousand percent. And that is a really good indicator of a life partner. Life partner is somebody you can travel with.

So you have to be able to be on the same wavelength of how you enjoy travel. Like my sister Maria, for instance, her idea of a vacation is wake up and get ready for an Ironman competition. It's like three and four workouts a day, activity, activity, activity. It's like she can't get enough out of a day. Look, that's the type of person. But the thing is, what works for her is that her husband is

is also like that. - High energy. - So that's why that's a good match. - Yes. - If her husband was my disposition,

then that would, I don't think that, 'cause they would just be like, "Well, I guess I'll see you at the end of the vacation." - Well, it's not gonna last. - Yeah. - Yeah, because I, it's funny 'cause you said-- - I don't wanna work out, but I don't wanna do 10 things like she does. - No, and I, just as a sidebar, I remember one time we all, we met the family in Miami and your sister had just gotten off a red eye. - Holy shit. - Hold on, and you and I were on, we're having breakfast, like on the strip there.

and she comes jogging up and we're like, what are you doing? She's like, I just thought I'd done a red eye and then I just thought she landed and went on her multi-mile. - For not sleeping all night. I'm like, that's not what I'm doing. - That's just the way that she is. I think, so travel is a big one. - So travel, so hold on, but this is a big deal because when you and I vacation together,

You said it perfectly. You're like, you and I are pugs. Yeah. We're pugs. We're pugs. Yeah. And then you pointed out, you go, you know, but you're athletic. More than me, definitely. But what I said is that I'm an athletic pug. I'm like, you ever see a pug run? People go, look at that fucking pug run. Like, at the end of the day, you're not like, hey, that's a fucking German shepherd. It's still a pug. It's still a pug. And I'm still like...

And I still want to get back and lay down. You know, I still want to lay down, dude. That's all I want to do. That's all I want to do. That's all I want to do. I do my little run and then I'm ready to lay down. And I think that that's where I am. That's Tom running. Yep. There you are. Yeah. You know what's funny is like years ago, your dad...

We were talking about traveling and going to a museum. And what he's saying is like, well, I've seen it before. He likes, what he liked was history museums. He did like those. Sure. So like in Chicago, the National History Museum, I think it's called. National Naturals. And then the Smithsonian. History museums. One thing he did not like was art museums. Not a fan.

History for him was very captivating. He liked aquariums too because he loved the sea life, you know, ocean. But not a fan of art. He would be like, what? And he's like, yeah, you see it and you saw it. I'm like, fuck, man. Okay. But I'm kind of becoming that way because I feel like I've seen all that stuff in Europe. I've been to Europe a bunch and done it. I'm like, I've fucking seen it. I don't want to do it. I'll tell you one place I don't want to go is Italy. You don't want to go at all? Zero interest.

The last. Oh, he doesn't like Italian food though. He doesn't like pizza. He doesn't like marinara. The last, you know, decade of his life, roughly, I was doing well, like in career. And I was like, I'll send like, is there any place you want to go in the world? I'd like to send you.

- No. I'm like, well, how about like outside of the country? I'm saying like, I'll send you internationally, wherever you want to go. I've already been to Australia. And then I go, I mean, what about, and that's what I'd go like, you know, Spain, Italy, Greece. Oh God. Like, no, I go nothing. And then,

He goes, "London." I think he had never been to London. He goes, "London, they speak English." And then my mother wanted to go, I didn't know this, but she wanted to go to St. Petersburg. She'd really wanted to visit St. Petersburg, Russia. - No thanks. - And he was like, "Yeah, go for your mother, I guess." So that was like kind of something they discussed, but it just never happened.

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Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero back,

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay. Good chat. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Now I'm sending her to see, like,

I think Romare used to party like some of the clubs she used to go to. Yeah. I mean, she was a hoe before she had Jesus. So she's going to go check out some of her hot spots. That's fun. I mean, but...

how you are when you go to a foreign country is really big. Do you have high anxiety? Are you able to just sit and chill in a cafe? So it's travel. It's how your demeanor eat. Eating is you. And I've always talked about this. If you can't eat with the person, how are you going to have? No. And I will say, so for me and I look, what's your ideal weekend? I would look for that in a partner.

um again if like i remember i dated this guy tommy so sundays to me it's the lord's day yeah i don't i lay on the couch i'm gonna i'm gonna eat ice cream i'm not gonna fucking do shit i'm not gonna get out of my pajamas sunday is sacred family recharge day yeah and i remember my ex was ex-boyfriend of mine was like let's go walk into this festival we walk there and it was like getting hot in la and i was like i don't want to

I don't want to fucking walk and I had to put on an outfit and I was so fucking miserable.

And it was at that moment, I was like, I think I'm gonna, I think this isn't gonna work. - Really? - Yeah, it was one of the first things where I was like, this is no good. Well, that he was much neater than me. And you and I are, we're pigs. - That's another thing is what's your-- - Neatness. - Neatness like, yeah. - And he was very, you know, clean, clean, not me. But I just remember that Sunday, I was so angry. - Yeah. - And we were gonna go meet people, meet friends, get drinking. And I was like, I don't wanna do any of this. I wanna stay home. - Sure. - Why are you making me do this? - Don't make me do this. - It's torture.

And then I think what's really important, which is interesting in marriage and stuff is,

I think the most important thing is A, being willing to work on the relationship and work on yourself. And then to love that other person's awful parts and your own awful parts. First, you love your own awful parts. It's the life journey. It's the acceptance of your flaws and who you are. And everyone, yeah. But mostly your own. That's the big thing is when you realize you're like, these are my flaws. Yeah.

And that's just, you, you learn to accept and almost love that. Like, yeah, this is how I am. I'm not, I'm not the fucking adventure seeker. You just go like, yeah, that's who I am. And you celebrate your own, you know, shortcomings or whatever. Yeah. Or even, um, like adult friendships, you know, like I have a great new adult friend and, um,

She's very easy at connecting, like very emotionally open. And I'm not, obviously like it's something I really work on. You know, I get embarrassed. Yeah, I do. I know. About feelings and stuff, but it was cool. We had a moment where I was like, oh God, I'm so embarrassed. And I told her, I was like, I feel like I'm embarrassed that I was like,

You know, like I shared or whatever. But I told her and I normally don't. Instead, I would just be embarrassed and then like withdraw. Sorry, I would withdraw so that I looked cool. Yeah.

But I shared that I was like, oh God, I'm so fucking tired. And how did it go? It was great. She was very accepting. And like, now she just knows that about me. Right. That I get embarrassed. I'm like the British. Maybe that's why I like the British so much. They're always embarrassed. Yeah. They're embarrassed to show any emotion. Yeah. I get embarrassed. Like right now my stomach feels queasy. Talking about it. Yeah. Or it's the Ozempic and we just had lunch, but I'm not sure.

But you don't feel gross connecting to people. No. That doesn't bother you. No. Yeah, I feel like it's a weakness and I start to shame myself. Like that. Like the Russian chiropractor that's my parent telling me I'm weak and terrible for having feelings and being vulnerable. But don't you feel like progressing through that in some way? This is why I'm working on it. Yeah. This is why I'm working on it. Yeah. This is what I'm saying. So now you have to find people that are open to the journey with you. With you. Is what I'm saying. And hold your hand through it basically. But if you marry somebody that,

can't go there with you then like what do you fucking do it sucks it's gotta suck you know well it's funny about growing up no no have you what are you segueing into no no did you um have you been privy yet to the hungarian insults on this yet no let's do it i love this fucking cool you're gonna love this speaking of your your uh upbringing check this out

Here are some more Hungarian insults I wish I was kidding about. Hungarians don't say "kiss my ass". They say "ňád ki a šeggemet", which means "lick out my ass". Again, better. Hungarians also don't really say "damn you". They say "a kurva aňád", which means "your whore mother". Lastly, if you really want to be evil, you say "nőjön gitarra haşadba iš pengesera", which means "may a guitar grow in your stomach and cancer strum it".

yep you guys are savages this is why i can't have feelings too scary that's pretty good yeah if you hear that growing up i get it you're like feelings you're a cry baby yeah this is terrible may a guitar grow in your stomach and cancer strum it i mean this sounds like a newer one i never heard this growing up but i like it yeah it's really good it's very creative no yeah let cancer play the guitar in your stomach yeah that's

- That's fucking amazing. - That's pretty intense. - Yeah. - Yeah. - This is one I'm proud to be Hungarian. - Sure. No, you guys are aces with the insults. - Yeah, that's good stuff. - Yeah. - I used to hear all the time, is like, you hear that in the car growing up a thousand times, your whore mother, everything is . - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Pretty cool, man. - Did your mother even curse in Spanish? - Yeah. - I feel like, what does she say? - Not big time stuff.

She would say... Like shit or something. Yeah. Carajo, mierda. What is carajo? Carajo is damn. But she didn't get into like creative. Most of the creative cursing that's done in most languages comes from men. Dudes, yeah. Yeah. Women aren't fucking cancer. Now my cousins would say wild shit in Spanish cursing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, she was pretty basic.

And then in English, chat, chat, chat. - She always says chat. - Yeah, chat. - Yeah, this chick's funny, dude. -

What's the, that's, that's the worst you can say. That's what she would, that's the worst. What's the worst you've heard? Like you're, it's always mom. Yeah. Your mother, this and that. Yeah. Sucks your dicks and stuff. Your mother sucks the devil's dicks. Like, you know, yeah, it's all like, yeah, it's all like you're super great son of your fucking whore mother, you know, like you're the greatest of all whores. Um,

You're the son of the biggest whore of all. This is what it translates to, you know. Hijo de la gran puta de tu madre. Yeah, all that stuff. I like that stuff. Concha su madre. Yeah, that's...

But Spanish swearing always makes me laugh. It sounds, it's very nice. Because you hear it a lot like in restaurants when I would work in restaurants you hear the busboys talking shits with each other. But you know because you guys, Hungarians, one country's language. Spanish is spoken in so many places. So the cursing and the insults vary country to country. Yeah. So you hear certain things more in different countries you know like Konya is like

It's a very Caribbean thing where you hear it from Cubans and Dominicans. You don't really... I never heard Mexicans say that one. You don't ever hear coño in South America. In Spain, joder is fuck. So you just hear joder. But in South America, they use the word joder, but it's less impactful. It's not as offensive. It's more offensive in Spain. I like the word impactful.

Yeah, I remember. It's a corporate word. That's okay. Chinga tu madre. That's super Mexican. Yeah, they don't say that in South America. I used to hear that one a lot. Rubia, they call me that. Coger is fuck in like four or five countries. And in the rest of them, it's not even a swear word. Isn't that funny? So coger is to pick up. So it's a, you know, coger...

pick up the glass. But if you said that in Mexico or Argentina, that means fuck that glass. Put your dick in it. Put your dick in that glass. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, there's so many different things that are said, but yeah, verga, you know, that's super Mexican. They don't say that. Yeah. They don't say that in South America. Yeah.

I like Mexican Spanish the best. Yeah, well, you were around it the most. That's what I heard, yeah, I like it. All right. Yeah, it's pretty cool stuff. Oh, it's a cool, thank you so much, lady. Yeah. Man, guitar grow in your stomach and cancer strum it. That is pretty cool. I'm so proud of myself. Peeing on money is a way to switch that power dynamic.

So this might happen because as a child, maybe you had to be a people pleaser. Maybe you had to be subservient to your parents or your caregivers to get your needs met. Do money, or I know for myself, I was doing that with my boss.

And then what do you do? I was people pleasing my boss to make money because I learned I had to people please my parents to get my needs met. So I just continued that pattern. And when you pee on money, that can completely switch the dynamic. That can completely switch things.

Bring you back into your power. Bring you back into a place of like, I am the boss of you. I got to do this. You are not controlling me. I am the boss of you. You're going to try it? Yeah. And look, if there's anything I've learned in 17 years of psychotherapy and Lexapro and EMDR and ketamine therapy and all this is it just takes, it's one and done. You just got to do one thing. Like you just got to pee on money and then it's done. Okay, cool. That's cool. One thing. I'm going to do it.

Can I ask you this? So about a month ago, I had a birthday. You did. You're 54 years old now. And you guys have been holding a birthday video for me. Yes. That I have no idea what's on this. I was just told it's pretty long. Oh, okay. Well, let's try it out. Can I try it? Can I watch it? I'm excited. It's a good time to watch it. Okay. I don't know anything about this. It just says birthday video. Okay.

What's going on, Tom? It's your favorite Canadian barista checking in. Just wanted to take a minute to wish you a very special happy birthday. Thank you. Hope you have an amazing day with an amazing iced oat latte. And I hope your birthday is filled with a tremendous amount of hate. Have a wonderful birthday. Hate from Toronto, Canada, my friend. Yeah. Hey, Tom Segura, how's it going? It's Braulio here in Alaska. Just wanted to wish you a happy 45th birthday. I hope you have a good one, and I wish you nothing but the best from the bottom of my heart. Here in Alaska...

Happy birthday from Braulio. Yes. Hey, Tom, it's Abby. Happy birthday. Hope you're keeping them high and airtight. Maybe 45 is the year Christina finally likes your scrum. Happy birthday, man. I'm really thankful to be asked to be a part of your birthday, making some little videos here to celebrate your life and all the achievements that you've made and your new vodka that's coming out this year. And I really wanted to get some of your vodka to toast for your birthday and

but I couldn't get any of your vodka. I couldn't find it. So what I did find was this liquid death can here, which happens to be exactly... Son of a bitch. 8.5 inches in circumference. So good memories for the day. Good thoughts. And man, I got your cock. I mean, I got your back. Come here and see me in Dallas sometime. Happy birthday.

I can see. Yeah. Happy birthday.

Wow. Wow.

How we doing? My fellow king, I hear from the little birdie that you're turning 50 today. Happy birthday. Thanks, Steve. Happy birthday from the king. Christina P., you take care of that king. Thank you. Today's his birthday. Yes. Make him a good breakfast. Get the ground running. And yes, no brawl and panty day. He's going to love that.

No brawl and let the mommy milkers swing from side to side. He's right. How did this turn into me? It's supposed to be for you. I'm sorry. I couldn't even say the word. Getting so excited. Thanks, King. Tom, you enjoy the mommy milkers today. Appreciate you. It's your birthday. Thank you, sir. It's your present. Love you guys. You guys have a wonderful day. We love you, too. Hey, Tom Segura.

Anyway, happy birthday from the powerful and attractive Gene Simmons. And from me to you, one gentleman to another, I will never ever release those photos of you with the farm animals, which sort of reminds me of a story about going on... Hey, Tom, just don't interrupt and say happy birthday. Thank you, Nick and Gene. Just don't interrupt and say

well tom i am delighted to hear that you lost 200 pounds so i'm proud of you for doing that so stay focused with your weight loss and keep yourself in good shape you

Now you're worried about aging and thinking about some work on the face and your nose.

because you think your nose is drooping. Well, that self-improvement is gonna be great. So that will be a good option for you. Keep up with that. - Thank you, doctor. - I hear that you have a birthday coming up and you're going to be 53 years old. Have a wonderful, happy birthday. - Hey, it's Pierce Perris here. - Hey! - Hey! - Check this out. I got a little surprise for you to help celebrate your birthday.

No way. No. Will you kick me in the balls? Oh, Pierce. Oh. I think that was the hardest one yet. Holy shit. Oh, Pierce. Pierce. Oh. You didn't think I was actually getting kicked in the balls, right?

Oh, fuck, dude. Happy birthday, Tom. Oh, Pierce. Hey, Tom. Happy birthday. Hi, this is Ernie Hudson. I understand you're turning 68, which is a great age. The numbers start to add up, as you know. And, uh...

I should also explain, Tom, that I'm a Ghostbuster, okay? And I hear a lot of things because ghosts like to talk. And I know that you've been mistaken from time to time with John Amos. And the one thing I'll say about John is a friend of mine, I've never known him when he wasn't in shape. So one of the things I'd strongly suggest is drink water. Don't forget to drink water.

Work out at least three times a week. Especially work out on coordination. I go to the gym about an hour and just work strictly on balance, coordination. Anyway, just enjoy this birthday. Have a lot of fun. Like I said, you know what you need to do in order to have guns like these. Crazy. Okay. So stay up, stay strong, and of course, always keep on busting. No. No. No.

I'm gonna puke. I hate watching him jizz. Oh no, I can't. Oh, Will. Oh, jeez, Will. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, Tom. Oh, fuck. Happy birthday to you. Guys. Happy birthday to you. Holy shit. Happy birthday, brother Tom. Happy birthday to you.

- In the kitchen? - I guess we're not posting this video. - Brother Tom, the Spartans believed on special occasions, cum should be drunk. To celebrate your birthday, to celebrate the man you become, your increasing potency, here's a cum toast to you, brother.

God, I'm glad that was the last one. I was like, how do you top? Yeah, that's the finisher. Holy shit. That was amazing. That was really great. I totally lost track of time, so you were right. Thank you, Will Blunder for that last one. All of them. I mean, Ernie Hudson. Well, look, I'm sorry. I'm still processing. The King Above 18. And also, let's, yeah, hold on. Wow, I gotta take a minute. He drank it out of a chalice.

For you. For you. For you. That was pretty cool. I did like to see RPC. He brought out his... He did the most variation in performance. Thank you, RPC. That was very sweet. And he brought out his Barbies, his best Barbies in the back. He had a cool hat on that he probably made. And I don't know if you noticed, he wore a beautiful diamond necklace for you too. I was really noticing the details. The whole thing. He decorated really nice his apartment for you. The Simmons family. Nick Simmons. Nick Simmons.

- Adorable, he's so funny. So he was on Josh Potter's. - Oh my God, we have it. We have clips here. - But anyway, I want to, before we get into that, happy Smurf day. - Thank you. - You're the greatest husband. You're the greatest father. - Thank you. - We all love you so very much. - I feel very loved, especially after watching that video. - Yeah. - Thank you. That was really nice. Thank you for putting that together. - That was beautiful. - That was awesome. - Happy birthday, man. - Thank you very much. 60 something is what Ernie has said. - Yeah, it was amazing. - And then I get confused for John Amos a lot.

It was nice. Gotta work on your balance, Trent. And what's the weight loss, Doc? That was fucking amazing. Oh my God. I understand you lost 200 pounds.

It's pretty great. You're going to have some surgery on your face. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Do you feel any different now that you're 54? I don't feel that different actually. I feel good. You do. You look good. I feel good. You look gooder than a bitch. Thank you. You look gooder than you've looked ever. Healthy, vibrant. Yes. Yeah. I can't complain. Great. I'm a happy guy. Life is good. Life's good. Good. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much.

uh you pointed out so nick very that was very sweet so he if you in the video it starts with gene simmons and then nick interrupts him and then his mother and sister or his girlfriend i couldn't see her in the background um but anyways they all start interrupting he's like yeah you like people like when i interrupt so he got wind of the fact that when when gene and him came on the show

the fans were saying that Nick was interrupting him a bunch. And then Nick went on Josh Potter's podcast behind the jeans to talk about it. And this was very funny. Favorite comment from someone who hated me was, um, I would pay an extra subscription fee for this episode with him edited out. Yeah.

That was your favorite one? I've seen laughs so far. Let me read a couple that we pulled here. It takes a lot to get under my skin. It's fine. I don't care. Okay, well, let's see if we can do it. No, I'm just kidding. These are actually fun hate ones. The first one says, the hate for Nick is like the coffee girl. LOLOL. Yeah, I felt a little like the coffee girl. This one says, Nick is Gene's Burt.

I can't really argue with that. Y'all telling Nick to pipe down was the best part. Who told you to pipe down? Oh, just like...

Oh, Tom. Tom did. Tom was like, shut up. I don't remember that part. No, he said he said he was like being funny because he wanted to hear the fucked up groupie story. Seven girls. What? Everyone shut up. I see. No, I would have wanted to hear that, too. A lovely story about dad, you know, fucking a bunch of groupies. Weird that I didn't want to hear that.

Well, I love Nick and Gene Simmons. Always the best. They're such a good family. They're so fun. We love you. We love you both, Gene and Nick. Also, sidebar, I saw a clip of Cher on TikTok on like the David Letterman show back in the day in the 90s. Yeah. And it was like, you know, back in the 90s, inappropriate. And he was like, so who have you banged? Like what celebrities? Can I, here's a list of guys you've banged, basically. That's what, really? Yes. Famous men that you've had sex with, with Cher. Yeah.

I know. It was so weird. And she would be like, no, I wish I, oh, Elvis Presley. She goes, no, I wish I was too nervous. I couldn't do it. And then you go, Gene Simmons. And she was like, yeah, he's lovely. He's the best. He was great. Like she was really into Gene. Wow. There you go, Gene. You crushed Cher. Cher is a big fan. She still loves it. She loved it. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. Since it's my birthday episode, here we go.

Fuck your mother, you fucking dick, dude. That's my birthday. I was having such a good time. Why'd you ruin it? That was kind of cool. Why'd you ruin that? That was fun. Not for you. For you, it's fun. Birthday. Yeah, you fucking. All right. All right. You betrayed me. No. You betrayed my trust. No. Here, you'll like this one.

Here we go. Ready? You got to put them in. No. No, I'm switching it. I'm switching it. You're lying. I swear to God. You swear? Yes. I'm switching it. If you fucking betray my trust. I will not. You swear? I swear. On your children's eyes? Yes. On baby Jesus? Yes. Every time you lie to me, baby Jesus cries. Okay. Okay. Okay. Ready? Here we go. I walked in that jail for the first time.

He's a, for people listening, this is a man who used to be a prison guard at Rikers Island on the women's side. You know what I smell? I smell butt ass. Butt ass. It was so bad. I mean, the funk hit you like boom. His eyes are watering. I couldn't breathe. I was like, oh shit. Yeah, I've heard this too. And every day I come in, that butt ass hits you. Bam. Yeah. Yeah.

And now you're talking to another officer. Now all y'all got the butt-ass breath. How you doing? How you doing?

But this is, first of all, this guy's hilarious. But secondly, this is like you put women in the environment of prison and outside of the social, they turn into pigs too. So it's interesting. I saw a TikTok about this. This woman talked about why women stink in prison. Yeah. And she's like, well, imagine you're all showering together. Okay. And then like, let's say a woman has a,

an infection of some kind down there. Yeah. You're not going, it's not like you're going to make an appointment at the gyno. Yeah. So she's like, and then the steam and the smell and you will smell immediately whose vag is funky. Ooh. Yeah. So she's like, you're just not getting treated for things. Wow.

And I imagine it's not pleasant to shower in prison. You're probably not going to, and the soap is harsh and stuff. Like it's not, it's not a spa, Tom. I know. It's not the Four Seasons. But I, you can tell that he still smells it. Sure. He lives that smell. It's burned into your, like there's smells that you can never leave you. Yeah. I remember what the girls locker room smelled like in public school. It's, it's similar. Yeah. And also, oh dude, I know what it is. What? This is,

This is nasty. Are you ready? Yeah. It's fucking gross though. I'm not going to, it's going to make you sad. Okay. Hold on. Yeah. So it's also periods. Yeah. That's another thing is like,

Pads can smell bad if they're sitting around. Like period smells can be real. Yeah. Dirty pads, dirty stuff. And they just sit. And they just sit. Yeah. And there's also some psychos in there. So they're like hiding pads under, you know, community areas. Sure. Not washing their beavers enough during the period. And that can create smells too. Yeah.

I'm guessing you have to be really hygienic, you know, when you got a meow. Yeah. You got to wash your meow every day. You do. Otherwise it's stinky down there. Well, if you've been to a woman's prison and you want to let us know what the smells were like to you, please don't forget to write in your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address. It's your mom's podcast at gmail.com and let us know how much did it smell?

Yeah, I think it's just pussies. It's not armpits and stuff. It's pussies. Because pussies have a lot of maintenance issues. You have to maintain your puss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a delicate ecosystem, dude. Yeah, it makes sense. There's a lot going on. Like, I always think about women and... And also...

Your puss can be reflective of your overall health. Absolutely. And if you're in prison, you're probably, maybe you're mentally not doing well. Physically, you're not doing well. You're not eating good food. You're not, yeah. Well, I always think about women in active duty, active war zones. Yeah. Like how the fuck are you changing your tampon as you're being shot at by the Taliban? Yeah. Like how do they do that? I don't know. Do they pull you out of battle when you're on your period? How's your pussy? Get back in there. Yeah, is your pussy bloody? Yeah.

Yeah. Seriously. Yeah, that's true. Or like those professional, I guess once you become an athlete, you lose your period. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, dude, like what if it's Olympic week? Do you just lose it? Oh, cause your body fat gets so low. So low, yeah. Like those athletes, I guess like. They just don't have it anymore. You just lose your period, yeah. Does that mean they just stop ovulating and everything? This, I don't know. I just know you stop menstruating, but I don't know if you stop ovulating. Maybe, yeah, maybe the whole cycle gets disrupted. Wow. Whoa, that's crazy. It's like you're in menopause. Holy cow.

- Well, this is so dark. Let's go to something fun for a second. - Uh-oh, puke? - No, it's not puke. It's a dad boner. - Is it puke? Okay, okay, okay.

Inside of this, there is a girandola. But you want to make sure you're removing the top when you light this thing because that thing inside spins around and it's a two-stage girandola. So it spins up about a half a mile in the air. It's a firework dad boner. I think this is definitely a fan favorite. I've lit this up before and it's a surprise. You can hear the enthusiasm in his voice. Because they're always exciting. I agree with him. That's what I like. This is how I feel about storms. Storms, magic. There was that storm last month that was like...

Yeah, I love this stuff. I was fully dad boner. Yeah. Yeah, it's the hell out of me It's got two stages on it. So let's see it in action. Alright guys, don't forget It's gonna start as a cake and then it has a two-stage jirandola Two-stage what's a jirandola we go. He keeps saying it. Oh fuck. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah That's tight

I could use like 10 more of them though at the same time. Yeah. I feel like it's not enough. Oh my god, it's coming. It's coming. There it is! Wow! There it goes again! Oh my god! Yeah, that's right. That was like a mile in the air. That was so good. Pretty cool.

Holy cow. That was a happy dad. That was kind of rad, though. I agree with him. Where can you get that? That thing actually seems like that's pretty accessible. Texas, down the street. I know. The liquor store. Yeah. Oh, he runs the nation's largest firework channel on YouTube. He's showing off a stage to Gerandola. That's Cody B. Pyrotechnics.

- Gerandola. - How much are those? $87? - Yeah, we can get a bunch of those. - That's what I was saying, why don't we get like a hundred of them? - Hell yeah, dude. Let's get them. Let's fucking do it. The YMH exclusive. - Dude, we should get these. - I'll place the order. - Is there any legalities? - Get more than one, get a few. - Yeah, for sure. - Is there any legalities in terms of where you can set off fireworks in Texas? - For sure. - I feel like they don't give a shit, dude. - For sure. - I've seen fools doing this in their backyards.

In LA, you would just do it in the street and just hope your neighbors didn't call the police on you. Can you anytime in Texas? Let's see. Okay. Are allowed in Texas. Fireworks that are not allowed. Sky rockets or bottle rockets. A total propellant charge of less than four grams. A casing. I mean, these are all very specific. I don't see the word Gerondola. What dates are fireworks legal? That's the next drop down. Oh, so there are parameters. I'm shocked. Yeah.

I know, me too. I'm shocked. So these are all the months that you can. Cool. Yeah, they're all around like holidays it looks like. So in December you can... Wait, December 20th to January 1st you can? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, right. 4th of July, June 24th to July 4th you can?

What about for my birthday? June 24th. I'm June 18th. Do you think we can squeeze it in? These are cutting out almost all of our birthdays. Memorial Day, May 24th to May 29th. All of our birthdays. Cinco de Mayo. Oh, they're definitely like, you got to give them that. They're going to do it anyway. Oh, so it started for April. I could have done it. April 16th, April 21st. God damn it. God damn it. Hey, can you shoot your guns in the air here? That's for sure not allowed. But in LA, they do it anyway kind of thing. That's not allowed.

Really? In Texas even? I feel like they're pretty lawless here. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure, I don't know. You probably would have to set off as many as we plan on buying for them to call somebody, you know? Yeah, no one gives a shit, bro. Dude, we gotta do that. We have to do that. Now your next...

assignment is find the place we should launch from. Oh, for sure. You could probably do it from a boat. They don't give a shit. You probably could. That feels quite dangerous. Yeah, that's a little sketchy. They let you do it in Hungary. There's a fucking holiday called St. Stephen's Day where they just shoot them off on a boat in August. Yeah, we shouldn't do that. Fire on the boat is usually... But that's what happened. So I was there the year that the boat set fire. Of course. And then they're like, okay, no more on the boat. This is a bad plan. Whose idea? Yeah.

bad idea yeah no that's fucking cool man we're getting those

we're getting those and we're gonna jaren dola we're gonna do it on a legal date did you ever do them fire fireworks with your parents in the streets parents no no we did i did it with like friends we you know we got bottle rockets the little ones and then one time when i was very young we got a hold of an m80 that was crazy that's fun yeah it's fun it's a quarter of a stick of dynamite i know good times yeah we just blew a crater in the earth

Definitely someone could have easily died or been maimed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were like seven, eight. Mm-hmm.

That's the good times though. And there was like the one kid's older brother. That's why we were with him. You know, he was like 12. He's like, check this shit out. Dude, boys are fucking. I know. Like there's a reason that most serial killers are men, homie. What's the reason? You guys are fucked in your head. Oh, that's the reason. And that's why like you need a mommy and a daddy to be like, Hey dude, don't set off an M 80. Don't create craters in the ground. Don't kill animals. Dummy. Yeah. You gotta just keep telling them that. Yeah. And then, yeah. And,

and don't abuse them and stuff right yeah it's true no reels no it is how come women aren't predominantly serial killers i wonder that all the time i wonder it all the time because you guys are setting off m-a-m-a-d yeah smashing it's because boys our dna is to be destructive i know break things they can't even sit still like to read a book julian's like wiggling elbows in my tits and everything they're crazy dude well

I think this is the genes. You know, I did something that upset you. This is something to make you happy. Yeah, true. You'll like this. Hello and welcome to my fart talk. Everybody farts.

Yep, it's true. The average healthy human farts between 10 and 23 times a day. It's whether they admit it or not is the thing. But most of us, that's what we do. Unless you chew gum or you drink bubbly drinks or you drink drinks through a straw, then you could be having more gas. But some people fart when they eat certain foods. Now, I have friends that can look at a bean and start farting. I can eat a whole ton. Nothing happens. But give me raw broccoli. Boom, I'm clear in the room.

So everybody is unique. Now the problem is when it becomes excessive. So if you're farting all the time, you have bloating, you feel awful, you need to go see your GP and get referred to a registered dietitian who specializes in GI health and or a GI doctor.

So, and speaking of GI doctors, it's really important to get screened for colon cancer. I have several friends who have colon cancer. I've been in a colon cancer study because I don't know what the point of the story is. And this is the lady who did the fart walk. Yes, oh, I remember. So that means that she just posts fart videos? Yeah.

My kind of gal. Let me pull up her page. I don't know if that's all she posts, but it's definitely a focus. You rarely see people that look like her having fart talks. Right now? She's so matter of fact. She seems like a teacher, you know, like your favorite teacher. Sweet lady. You know what I like? I bet she talks about sex and genitals in the same way. Like she's very normal. Okay. She talks about aging too. Yeah. She's amazing. She's really sweet. I like her. Fart talk.

Aging wonderfully. Eat veggies. Yeah. Yeah. She's the best. Don't become an old fart. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. Go get a colonoscopy. The baseline in Canada is 50 years old. You could be saving your own life. So. She's Canadian? Yeah. Yes. Yes. My fart talk is normal unless it's excessive. And then you really need to go to talk to somebody. But for everybody else, go outside and fart and never in an elevator.

- She's polite about it. - Yeah, of course. Canadians are polite-y. - I farted on a plane next to Sean. And he was like, "What the fuck?" It was bad too. It was gnarly. - What did you eat? - What had I eaten? Shit, I don't remember. But I ate and then we worked out. - Not cool to pound farts in first class, bro.

And it was long. It was like, like it ripped. And then I kind of waited a beat and he was like, oh my God. He had headphones on. He was like, oh my God, dude. I was like, do you smell that? He goes, yes. And then the flight attendant came back and he started laughing so hard. He had tears in his eyes. She just walked. She like stopped and she was like, I get you guys something to drink. And I was like, we're good. Was she attractive? No, she was fine. She was normal, but she's just,

She didn't make any. She didn't come back. You know what's funny is that because I've known you for so long, I can guess what that fart smells like. I know the tenor. I can tell you this. This was particularly bad. Yeah, I know. No, it was out of the norm bad. It's sour. Usually they're very sour. They stick. They're sticky and gluey.

they linger okay okay i could tell you exactly what kind of fart that i could tell you what kind of part that is i know exactly what kind of fart you're farting through those jeans yeah yeah it was bad mother oh man oh mommy that's not good no that's not good but you gotta don't doesn't that mean you have to when you're farting like that and you wouldn't want to know the rest of the story yeah then i went and i took a of course

- Of course. - On the plane. - See, this is the thing with you. - And guess what? - What? - The sink wasn't running. - No, that's the worst. - Yeah, so I wanted to wet paper and like, you know, make myself more clean. So I had to go get a bottle of water and use that to wash my ass. - Fuck, dude. - That sucked. - Yeah, the thing about you is like, you'll fart like that and then you won't automatically go, "I should shit."

Which is so weird because I'll tell you, hey, you need to shit. Yeah. And then you go, no. And I go, you do need to shit, babe. And then you'll go. Yeah. Yeah. It's just how it goes sometimes. One of those things. I'm just a lucky guy. Yeah.

Yep. Isn't that cool? That's a really cool story. That's a really cool story. Turns out. Turns out I got a pretty cool asshole. Do you remember the first time I farted in front of you? I don't think you do. No, I don't remember the first. Do you remember it? No, thank God. I know you've done it many, many millions of times since. I know you just let it rip whenever now. Yeah, but I have to. It's good. No, you should go on a fart walk like she said outside. I do sometimes.

Hi, I'm Tracy Dixon. I'll buy you a double white trailer if you be my boyfriend. I'm looking for a strong Caucasian man. Please, no African Americans, no Latinas. I'm just here, so this year, please hit me up. I get my check, my food stamps. I live right here in the beautiful trailer park. And I'm just here looking for me a man. So if you like big girls like me, you know...

Hit me back up. My mom is 25% white. So yes, I'm 25% white. No. And I'm a pretty girl. So hit me up. I'm just a big girl. None of these cute Caucasian mans out here want me. So I figure I get up here and find me one. Gotta be strong, masculine, beautiful, slim, skinny. Please no big boys. I'll be waiting.

You hear that, Enny? You got no shot. I know. That's why I sent this girl to you, remember? Oh, yeah. That's cool. Thank you. I sent her a description, man. I would have went for it. You do send me some pretty cool things from time to time. Oh,

He messages me some pretty cool stuff. I know who you're laying. I know what you like. You know, I like big girls. Thank you. That's right. That's true. You fit a description, man. You should go for it. I do fit a description. Unfortunately, I'm taken. But, you know, some of the guys here aren't. That's true. That's true. Maybe some of your colleagues.

I like her. Wait, what? Me? What do you like? I feel like Chad might like her. You know, your wife, you know, smart. I like her style. I like her blue lipstick. I like the red feathers. Like, I think she has a good sense of style. If you like alt girls, she's a little alt.

I like it. She likes it. I know. I dig her. I actually really like her. Also, there's nothing wrong with just, you know, what I would celebrate is you say what you're looking for. Yeah. Say what you're, you know. She likes skinny white guys that live in a trailer park with her.

She wants to live in the trailer park with him. Yeah. There's a ton of those, dude. That's all trailer parks are. Skinny white guys. She gets her check. She does her thing. So I'm surprised she can't find one in her particular trailer park. Cause I feel like that's the typical bro, you know? Yeah. Dude, there's tons of guys out there that are into her. There are, there are guys that are definitely. Skinny white guys love. She's her. What?

You just blew my mind. Did I just make an assumption about somebody's fucking pronouns? No, look at those tits! Those are definitely her pronouns, but I don't think she was born her. But those tits have stretch marks. I feel like... That happens to both genders. Oh no, if you take hormones? Or, you know, you could just eat a lot. Uh-oh.

Ruh-roh. You just blew my mind, dude. Here I am thinking in the binary again. Yeah. Dude, I forgot it's 2024. I didn't even ask her their pronouns. Well, it's not important. What's important is if you're skinny and white and want to shack up in a trailer park,

She gets her check and she gets her stamps and she's like, oh, you can move in. You can move in. You can move in. She said, this is where I, the only thing I really jumped at in this whole video, she said, my mom's 25% white, so I'm 25% white. That's not how the math works. Oh, that's true. The math doesn't. That means you're 12 and a half percent white. Wow. Cigarette. Good. Yeah. I don't like that. She doesn't know fractions or percentages either. That bothers me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would, if I were you, I would rerecord the video.

Say my mom's a quarter white and I'm not quite that. Yeah. Chad, what's half a quarter? An eighth. She's an eighth white. That was awesome. It's cool.

Yeah, so, you know, there's people out there for everyone. You know that it really is true, though. I think about this all the time, especially because you meet people that are, you know, single, sometimes lonely, sometimes will ever find someone. And you have to remind yourself and others, there literally, there are, there's so many people in this world and there's somebody that's for you. There really is someone for you. Definitely. Doesn't matter. Some people out there think that it's not going to happen for them. And it's not true. You just, you actually have to take responsibility

The fucking guidance of this young lady and put yourself out there. Now, not necessarily in a video, but you have to put yourself out there in some way. Whether that means going to the local place to socialize or going to friends. You have to put yourself out there. Some people make a video. Some people decide they're going to go to the party or, you know, I mean, go to the some type of event, the dinner or whatever it might be.

That's how, that's putting yourself out there. That's how you're going to meet people. That's so true, Tom. But what about these broads? You know, we've always watched these dating shows and I feel like there's the particular type of woman, it's specifically a woman trait where they're like, I'm just real picky and I can't find, I hate that. You know what that is though? That's a self-defense mechanism.

- Yeah. - That's also when somebody becomes fiercely independent, meaning where they go, I don't need anybody. That's just a defense mechanism. - Yeah, it's sadness. - Where you go, if I stay fiercely independent,

then nobody can hurt me. Sure. So I stay alone. But that's not really what you're seeking. No, it's not fun. That's true. And when they go, I'm super, super picky, that's another, well, you know, he wasn't that tall or, you know, he has weird shoes. Like when you start nitpicking anything in somebody, that's also a way of being like,

I don't want, this might not end well, so I'll just not, I'll just say no right away. But again, the other thing about there being somebody for you, you have to throw away sometimes your pre, like I almost think it's annoying when you hear matchmaker shows and they'll be like, well, what do you want? What do you want? What are your criterion? And then you go, well, I want, you know, brown hair, blue eyes, beard. He's got to be a comedian. He's got to make this much money. He's got to drive this car. It's like, you're not going to,

necessarily. Checklists don't work. Yeah, that doesn't work because now you're, you're X-ing out 98% of the population. It's also like not how you, it's not how you meet or get someone is by making a list. A list is not what you're trying to, I mean, it's fine to say like, you know, I want somebody that lives in this city. Like that's fine. If you go, I want people, I don't want to date long distance. That's reasonable. You want somebody that you could see all the time. But I mean, when you start getting into the,

He's got to have this type of job. It's like, what are you talking about? Just go with somebody that you connect with. Gosh, it's so funny. I forget what I was watching. And it is chicks a lot of times. It is. You know why? I think part of it is. He's got to back to hotter, such a house of dollars. But you know why? It's because like when we hooked up in our 20s, okay, you ain't got shit to offer really in your 20s except for who you are. Yeah. And then you get into your 30s.

And then the criterion gets harder because then you're like, okay, well now let's say I have a PhD degree in something or I'm a lawyer or I'm this professional. I have to find someone that's now a professional that makes X amount of money, has these things that I have. And then by the time you're in your forties, like you're an accomplished person. And now it gets even harder to meet people, right? Totally. But when you're in your twenties, you kind of, I think you should get married like gosh, in your twenties. Cause then you think you should get married in your late twenties. Like we did. Wow. Well, because think about it. Like,

That's first draft pick, right? Those are the people that want to get married, want to have families or into that thing. I think you get married when you feel like it. But the main thing is that you don't say...

I have to meet somebody that meets all of these standards of mine. It's unrealistic. I think if you're a man, you can get married whenever you want. Oh, maybe that's the thing. So if you're a dude listening to this, your stock just goes up, up, up every decade. Like if you were single now, you know, sky's the limit. You could be dating any model.

Right. But as a woman, the older we get, the value of the stock goes down in terms of looks and then reproductive windows and such. So if you're a woman, I think it's advantageous to get married. Not early 20s, but yeah, late 20s, early 30s. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. You want to be like an older broad. True. That's tricky. I don't know. Or then you just become a stepmom. Like then you resign to being like, I don't know what I'm talking about. Let me just think. Okay. Well, maybe this will help. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. There's no, there's no blanket thing is what I'm saying. But from what I see. Maybe this will help sharpen your sword. Do you struggle with mucus when you run? Here's a trick. That's it. Awesome. Let's go. She's cute too. Yeah. That's weird.

That's the thing is that you start this and you're like, huh, she's pretty cute. I like to see this. Yeah. Imagine she does it on your cock and you're like, whoa. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that on my new checklist. Will shoots rockets on my balls. Yeah.

See, there's somebody for everyone. There's someone for everybody. Yeah. That's true. Right now, some guy is like, this chick's the best. Well, yeah. They're lighting up over it, for sure. Yeah. And so if you go, well, no one like that's out there. She's right there. She's right there. She's right there. She's right there. She goes for runs. She's healthy. Yep. And she has a giggle. Yep. She'll have fun. And she likes German architecture in the background. Yeah. She's in Alpine Village. She's a cool chick. Mm-hmm.

She's a cool chick. Yeah. Some dude's dick just got hard watching her do that. There's about four in that room right there. Yep. I also, yeah, as a woman too, I've found that the more, yeah, the more you're like that, not maybe not that extreme, but the more you're like, cool. Well, here's how much there's someone for everyone. Didn't we find a Disney adult dating site? We did. We did. I mean, that shows you.

That you can find somebody in this world. And I hate them so much. Yeah. I hate them. There's a site if you want to go. And this, by the way, at first you're like, oh, this is kind of sexy, right? You're not quite sure. Then you're like, huh, that logo. What's that all about? Magical match. Still feels kind of romantic. And then at Meet Upon Main, we're creating a network where Disney fans can make magical connections. Yeah.

Whether you're looking for love or a park buddy, we're committed to creating a space for all Disney fans to connect. That is... Well, first of all, how deceptive. These fans are thin. Yeah, that's not true. That's not true. None of them look like that. These two, they're like, what do you think of Disney? And they're like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You mean when I was a kid? Sharing the magic. Meet Upon Maine proudly donates a portion of every membership fee to allow children with terminal illness to enjoy the theme parks. Jesus Christ.

Tugging on the heartstrings there. Yeah. All right, I'm corny, but I think there's just about 140 million people in this country that are just as corny as I am. Walt Disney. Wow. Look at those two. Those two do not go to Disneyland every weekend. Hell to the fuck no, they don't. Those two fuck. No, no, no, no, dude. That's not the Disney fans we've been seeing. Oh my God, you guys are absolutely... Can you search? No. You can? Oh my God, let's search. Let's do it.

- Yeah, this is spot on. - Yeah, this is about right. - Fuck, we can't show this part probably, right? - Well, we can discuss. - Yeah, we can discuss. - I mean, all these guys look like, ugh. I mean, they all have bad, scary vibes. - Okay. - Gay vibes. - Sorry, can't say that word. - We will mute those. Nope, you cannot. - I mean, oh, here's my favorite. I'm gonna put a picture of me with a mask as my profile dummy.

Yeah, these guys don't look good. This is not what the models on the site look like. They all look gay, the dudes. Oh, boy. They're dorks. And that's, by the way, that's what this is supposed to be. Yeah. If you're into doing this as a dating thing, it's because you're a fucking dork. What's that? Can't hear you. I'm just fucking, I'm mad that there's a black dude. I ain't no way. That's fake. I know. It looks like a lifted photo. It doesn't look like a real photo. It's a stock photo. Yeah. We ain't doing this shit. No. But I'm happy for them.

I'm happy for them. You know why? Because they found their place. Yeah. They found a place. Yeah, I know. Where nerds meet other nerds. Look at this shit. I know. I guess because it's like related to a children's thing. She seems somewhat put together. Do these people have? Looks like me. Fuck. On the right here. Bottom right. That's not that far off. Look how creepy. Dude, there's 357 pages.

Holy shit. This is quite. Oh, that's what I'm saying. That's an interesting choice. Like very up close. It says to me, doesn't know how technology works. Like she didn't know how to crop it. And she was like, well, that'll work.

Also, if I were a person on a dating site, just hot tip. Yeah, keep going. Don't take a picture of yourself in front of like office blinds. It's very depressing. Looks sweet. Got her ears on, her mouse ears. Looks sweet. He looks nice. Looks like she's on drugs. You know, these are all kind of, oof. That's what I'm talking about. That's a Disney adult. How big are the portions at the fucking place? That's what her look says.

Yeah, but this... I know. Can we see what are they writing about themselves? Like over there. Yeah, that's a Disney adult right there. That's who this is for. Multi-colored hair, stupid ears. Yeah.

you know, three bills. Can, can we click on it and see like info about them? Like what they say their interests are. I don't have to sign up. No, we, we can for some of them if they provided them. Let's see what she says. I'm curious. Look, she's troubled. Oh, okay. Oh shit. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Do you cosplay? No.

Who's your favorite Sith? Darth Vader. I didn't even know. I didn't know that was Sith. Which Star Wars weapon would you like to take into battle? A lightsaber. Who's your favorite Jedi? Obi-Wan Kenobi. Would you rather marry Jar Jar Binks or work for Jabba the Hutt in his palace? Jabba the Hutt. Okay. Okay. So these are very, I mean, this is just like hands. Who is your favorite? Tom, hold on. Can you even name a droid? Who is your favorite droid? I don't know. I don't know what a droid is. I don't know.

What the hell is rope dropping? She says Saturdays are relaxing at home or rope dropping. Taking shits. I don't know. Walt Disney World is WBW probably. Yeah, that is. Rope dropping. Rope drop? To describe arriving at the theme parks very early in the morning. Oh, it's an inside term. Ew. What are you doing this weekend? Probably going to rope drop. Ew.

On Saturday. It's arriving at the theme park very early in the morning to be there as soon as it opens. Right. So meaning, right? As soon as the rope drops. The red rope drop. That is so gross. That's so cool. That is the fucking lamest thing. Yeah, we got the lingo down now. Yo, I got that rope drop. Yeah. Now you know if you hit up some Disney chick, you're going to rope drop on Sunday or what, baby? Let's see. Rope drop. Fuck off. Fuck right off. Rope drop.

I can't read this. Can you make this font bigger? I'm fucking old, bro. Oh, there you go. Oh, there you go. Jesus. All right. Did you cry while watching Avengers Endgame? Yes. Oh, fuck. What is this stupid? I don't even know what this movie is. Okay. If you could take a Disney cruise, where would you go? The Caribbean. Yeah. Fucking basic bitch. Yeah.

Who is your favorite non-force wielding character on solo? Non-force wielding. I don't know. I mean, that is such a specific nerd question. How many times a year do you go to the park? They consider me a cast member. Yeah. That's somebody, you know, but this is, this goes back. Here's what, can I tell you the thing about all these people?

what you're seeing a lot of just deeply traumatized. This is a trauma response. Sure. Sure. Theme park is if you're going that much, this is a coping mechanism for trauma. True. Look, this is true. Hey, I chose the dark side of the forest. These people are going into lollipops. We chose comedy because we're fucked up.

in our own way. And they chose to go to like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Like everything's nice. But can I tell you why it's slightly reprehensible? Yeah. Because it's based in consumerism. I buy, I collect. It's like, you're not creating anything. You're not giving back or creating something to help the other with their trauma. Right.

- It's consumer based. - Comedy is transformative. It's music transformative, poetry, art. You're taking your suffering and you're making it something for the others to consume and grow. This is just consumerism. I collect Jar Jar Binks figurines and I collect. It's like, you're not doing anything. That's why it bothers me. Just consume. Please back to her fucking dork profile. Don't take it off. We gotta make fun of this person. - Yeah, scroll down more. - We're just getting started.

If you could say anywhere on Disney, where would you say? Disney beaches club resort. Hold on. Guess her favorite food at the Disney park. Well, I happen to see it. And as I, as I had, is it the veggie plate? It's the Wookiee cookie. The Wookiee. Google the Wookiee cookie. Do you talk to strangers in elevators? No. As a capital? No. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, she looks like she eats the Wookiee cookies. Oh, so this is everyone who likes Wookiee cookies. Yeah. Oh, no. No, I mean, can you Google an actual image? I'm curious to see how many calories. Yeah. Yeah. Look at the disgusting fucking Wookiee cookie. Wait a minute. You could search key terms on that shit? Oh, no.

You gotta show it's rope drop. Rope drop. What is... What are the calories in the Wookiee cookie? That's my whole day. My whole week is the Wookiee cookie on Ozempic. You kidding me? Shit. The Wookiee cookie. Look at this. Let's describe it first of all. It's two cookies. It's 700 calories. What?

It's two cookies and then ice cream in the middle and then frosting and shit on top of it for anybody just listening. Holy shit. 706 calories. You can also make it at home. It only contains 200 calories. But get it at the park. It's better. Okay, go back to our profile. This is too good. This is so good. What types of movies do you like? Action, thriller, drama, comedy, adventure, western, romance. That's every fucking film type. Rope drop. Okay, go back to rope drop.

I'm out here just rope dropping on a fucking Monday. And the Wookiee cookie. Oh, no, there was no hyperlink for it. What's W-D-O-Walt Disney World? Oh, wow. General information. Absolutely insane. All right, let's not give away too much. We're not showing this person, obviously. No, no, no, no. Background? White, rarely drinks, doesn't smoke, cats and dogs, straight, undecided, no tattoos, no marijuana. How much do you like to cook?

I cook sometimes. I Wookiee cookie the rest of the time. Okay. Availability all the time. Seeing where things go. Okay. Okay. Fun facts? Okay, no, we can back out of that one now. Thank you for that. Who's your favorite Jedi? I mean...

There's like, how many Jedis are there? There's not that many to choose from. But I mean, if you're listening and you're a dork and you like this kind of stuff, this is a good site for you. If you're a stunted adult. You know? Hold on, let's look at. Meetuponmaine.com. It's fucking terrifying. Let's see what. That is a terrifying profile photo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see what he's. No, so we did a woman. Down, left, second row, far left. Oh, that one? Yeah. Yeah, that one's intense. Yeah.

He's 48. Let's see. Does he have any info on his? It's loading. The site's so slow. Oh. A lot of activity. Yeah, what are the dudes like? Shit. Because it's expected of the women to be weird on this. Yeah. But a Disney dude? What the fuck, dude? Okay. Who is your favorite Sith, Tom? Darth Tyrannus. Don't even know who the fuck that is.

Fucking dorks. It's an intense. It's an intense. Who's your favorite Jedi? Ashoka Tano. Who's your favorite droid? R2-D2, of course. Okay. Tanner's getting lit in here, by the way. He's like, it's a Sona. It's a Sona. It's not a Sona. Oh, it's a Sona. He knows. He knows. Tanner's a dork. Well, it makes sense. He's 20. He grew up watching this. This is last year for him. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

Okay. Dark side or light side? He says light side. I beg to differ. I don't think he's unconscious. Okay. Well, that's good. Uh-oh, Tom. Here's a good sign. What do your Saturdays usually look like? Depends on if it's football season or not. I like this guy. That's a good sign. I know. I like the guy. So then that's a normal guy thing. He just has a horrible profile photo.

And I think it sounds to me like he's into the masculine, like he might be a comic book nerd. Sure. Because it looks like he's into all that shit. The Iron Man and Doctor Strange. Okay. Baby Groot. Okay. Who would you like to hang out with? Baby Groot or Teenage Groot? Okay. Wow.

How about fucking neither? He's a grown man and you know the baby or teenager. That's the right answer. I know. Idiot. I feel like that's a scary ass question. Yeah, don't ask me that. I know. All right, go down, go down further. Just want to see if there's anything. All right. Now. Hold on. Who is your favorite Disney princess? Merida. Oh, he's in the rope drop. Shit. We got another rope dropper. Oh shit, look at all these rope droppers. Oh.

Shit. So what it is is you pick what kind of super fan you are. There's rope droppers and there's park closers. So are you a morning person or a night person? That's interesting. So the park closer is like, I'm out here. It's fucking one in the morning and shit. They're shutting shit down. You know what I'm saying? I'm still out. The rope droppers are like, it's fucking 5 a.m. And I'm standing here waiting. That's a good question. Tom, which are you? I'm a fucking park closer. What are you talking about? Park closer all day, homies.

Holy shit. Park close-off every time. Okay. Who's this bitch right here? Second row. Was there a fine? Was there one fine chick in this whole thing with the hat on? Okay, she looks Eastern European. Second down. Second. Fur hat. What's up, bitch? Oh, shit. We got to bleep her name. She needs a rope drop. Wait. No. Oh, that's just a rope dropper. Okay. Okay. Oh.

doesn't feel like she matches she doesn't belong but let's see can we find anything surprise we're about to see another picture yeah like whoa shit or yeah she's a dude she's a disney dude in disguise i mean she looks cute as shit right there right yeah i think oh yeah you're right the body's not all right hey

Come on. What? What? She's cute, man. Had blonde hair and now didn't look... No, no, she had a fucking hat on. Oh. No, that's blonde hair. I know, but she's probably... She's wearing a wig. She's cute. Yeah, she's totally different than the profile pic. She's cute. If you're on this site and you hook up with her, you're fucking killing it. No, she's down. Okay, let's see. Okay, what's her... Spotlight. She likes weed. Look at her second answer. She's cool. With cannabis. Okay, so she might be the only cool Disney adult in ever existence. She likes Black Panther. What's up, girl? That's cool. I'm fucking with you. What?

kind of forever my girl she's into that baby Groot yeah Pocahontas sure no this is you know what it is this is primo

Like this is the best you can get if you're a dork like these guys and you run into like a fun, sexy dork like her. This is it. That's a home run. She's a 10. Yeah, because she's sexy. Yeah. But she also likes your fucking nerd shit. Oh, I know. So that's the best of both worlds. All the dorks are going to be courting her. I would think so. If they have any if they have any fucking testosterone in their ball bag. Yeah. That's who you go after this chick.

See, what's interesting with the other guy's answers is that I think he does have tea in his bag. I just think he's a dork that likes figurines and things like, oh, that was that guy's answer? No, he's fucking weird. We'll see his other photos. This is January 6th shot right here. Creepy as shit. Trump baby. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Some of them are just not good, but you know, that's fitting. I mean, that's a strange boyfriend and the least fucking flattering angle in the world. Yeah. They're just, he just needs help. Yeah. He just doesn't know how to do this. Honestly, men, if, if you don't know what you're doing,

Have a female friend help you with your profile. That is the truth. Just have a girl, a woman. I would do that too. If I were in their situation, I would find a woman who's friends with me, who likes me as a person and go help me make this thing. Yeah. Because even that photo, like he could be, he can be photographed in a way that's flattering. Yes. Anybody can be. Like if that's your fucking. Like a serial killer. Yeah. It's terrifying. I don't like that. You're probably like, you want to go on a date? Yeah.

Yeah, because if you meet these people individually, they're not all, oh boy. Yeah, so you're like, that's who you don't want. That's annoying. The bottom right. Yeah, she's terrible. That is not who you are. That's standard fare there. That's like what you usually get. And you're like, ah, fuck. And then you meet like the one that we were talking about. And you're like, oh shit. She's like, I bet I jack you off on Space Mountain. You're like, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, giving each other hand jobs in the Haunted Mansion.

Holy shit. This is a fascinating thing. I could do this all day. And again, this is like, we're just discovering this for, for these nerds, but you know, there's that for farmers. And if you're Jewish and if you're like, you can find the, the, so you just got to get out. You got to find the site, find the thing you're into. And there's a, there's a profile for it. There's a whole site dedicated. I'm sure these there's comic con people too. They meet up and link up and, and,

Yeah. You know, look, you and I met doing what we love. Yeah. Stand up at the end of the day. You gotta get it going, bud. You gotta get it going, bud. You know, you really do. Look at crystal. All right, look, we got to wrap this up. It's getting late. It is getting late. Um,

This was a lot of fun. I had a great time today. I didn't know we found out about rope drops. Rope drop is so in my fucking vocabulary now. We're park closers, bro. I'm park closing all day, every day. What are you guys? Are you park closers or rope droppers, man? Bro, park closing for life, niggas. Park closer 100%. Yo, you Wookiee Cookie or what? That's me and Annie's new band name, the Wookiee Cookies. The Wookiee Cookies. What's up? What's up, Tanner? Are you a park...

I'm dropping rope. Really? I want to sling that rope, yeah. Oh, you know what? You young. You still got energy. Yeah, that's right. You can get up. Gotta get it up in the morning. You can get it up in the morning. Would you date somebody on a Disney site? If she's dropping rope, too, yeah. Yeah, yeah. If she lets me eat her Wookiee cookie, yeah.

I bet you would. I bet you could probably score crazy. I could probably take down like four Wookie Cookies. Oh, yeah, dude. I look like a Disney character. Yeah, you do. Yeah, we should get you a profile. You should go on a couple days. Who's your favorite Jedi? Yeah, I actually just made the profile. My user's name is MickeyLicker47. I hope you have some success. Please report back. Wookie Cookie, babe. Goddamn, 750 calories. Eat your Wookie Cookies tonight, baby.

If that's the thing, if you're in the nerd world and you're sexually forward, you're probably like a stand up. You would clean up if you were a sexually forward dude in the nerd world. Like if you were just not timid. Yeah. Because that's what they're used to like these real goofy guys. So if you come in there, you're just like, yeah, I want to ride the fucking, I'm going to ride these rides, but I want to fuck you right afterwards. They're like, what? What?

Because all these nerd girls are secretly, not all of them, but a lot of them are sluts too, you know? That's what I found. Closet. Closeted. Like in Catholic school, like, yeah, the ones that are into this weird shit, they're usually loose. Can I just get your lightsaber? You want to fucking get your lightsaber? Get over here. Drag her hair. Cool, Tom. Yeah. Yeah. Come here, you little princess bitch. Is this your favorite fucking princess? Are you...

Have her put the outfit on and you just fucking ragdoll her. See you later, guys. This is really fun. You're making me scared. Wookie cookie. All right. Well, lots of love to you, the fucking Mickey Mouse community.

Good luck in all your endeavors. I hope you're out there. I hope you're having fun, you know. Cock sucking fuck. I hope you find love. I do. I wish you well. I hope you find love. And we'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Bye, Rob.

♪♪ ♪♪

Please erase them from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know, cause I've been there and I understand when you know you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates. I think I'm past to the arrest, but there is that better person out there in Julia. I promise you, it is me. I feel like you cherish you.

After you experience me, you won't even know your ex. So, knock your heart to me, and your arms, let's go full throttle. I can see me falling in love with you, you're just, I don't know. I just looked in your eyes, and I just melt anyhow. I'm heading off to work, child baby, let's go full throttle, baby, child baby, child, child, baby, child, baby.

♪ This is my cute little home ♪ ♪ Everything you see behind me ♪ ♪ I built everything, every square inch ♪ ♪ From crown molding to chair rail to floors ♪ ♪ To lighting to plumbing doors, windows ♪ ♪ Full travel ♪ ♪ So this is the type of guy you're getting ♪ ♪ I'ma build you whatever you want ♪ ♪ You're a sweetheart ♪ ♪ So I hope this video doesn't scare you ♪ ♪ But that's how I feel ♪ ♪ I just want you to know that, okay ♪ ♪ And I look forward ♪ ♪ I'm going out to dinner with you ♪ ♪ So let's make it happen ♪ ♪ My baby, child baby, let's go ♪

Let's go, let's go.