#FartGate2024: CASE CLOSED | Your Mom's House Ep. 772
01:25:40 Share

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

This is my voice after one month on estrogen. How's everybody doing? Welcome and good to see you, good to hear from you. How are you? This is my voice two weeks on T. I'm great. I'm great. I made weightliftings this morning. I noticed. I'm feeling very strong. Mm-hmm.

You probably don't do what I do. I mean, I went in there after you and man, it was all covered in sweat. It was rough. I don't sweat. I'm not really a sweater. Yeah, I noticed that too. No, but it's great. Fitness is great. Make fitness. I did make fitness. And I've noticed that my browns have been very bountiful today in particular. And I don't know if there's a correlation. Between fitness and that?

Well, I had to get off the Ozempes for surgery this coming year. So maybe that has something to do with it. Yeah. I don't know. Eating well, exercising. Don't forget the bulking up with fiber. Bulking up. Yeah. You're bulking up. I'm bulking up. You're browns. Yeah. Yeah. I take that Metamucil still at night, you know? Awesome. Do it. Yeah. That's it. I've had great browns too. Right? Yeah. What do you think it's because? Same thing?

yeah, I think it's a combination of that. Good food, making fitness. Did you even watch murder last night? Did I watch murder last night? No, the night before I did the night before I was watching, um,

There's a series about the LA County Sheriff's Department Homicide Division. And I was watching that. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. What did you learn? I watched the Phil Spector case. Classic. Yeah, classic. I mean, I remember it. For those of you that don't know Phil Spector, it's definitely worth a Google image. Phil Spector was a very, very big music producer. Most of us

Yeah, that one there. He did that in court. So he was wearing wigs to court. Phil Spector was a very, very big producer. He worked with the Beatles. He worked with the Doobie Brothers. He worked with a bunch of Motown artists and

He's credited with the wall of sound. Yes, which I love his Christmas music. It's like that Motown sounding Christmas music. Yeah, and he got a lot out of a lot of artists. So hit that 10 signature Phil Spector songs there. Yeah, let's see what they...

are because he really was a prolific producer. I love his Christmas music, and I hate to say it, I really do. Yeah, I mean... I listen to it every year, and I go... He knew how to produce. That guy was a mecklehead, but boy, did he make good Christmas music. Boy, did he ever. And so let's see what they have listed here. Oh, did you run, run, run? Yeah, did you run, run? That's the Crystals. That is a very, very...

You could still... The Ronettes, Be My Baby. Jesus Christ. Be My Baby is a big, big hit. And then he kissed me. And then he kissed your mom. Yeah. You still see that in television and music. Righteous Brothers. You lost that love and feeling. You lost that love and feeling. He did River Deep Mountain High with Ike and Tina. Incredible. Dang.

Veronica, So Young. I don't know what that's about. Darlene Love, Christmas Baby, Please Come Home. Anyway. Christmas song. The Beatles, Let It Be. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I mean, John Lennon, Imagine. George Harrison, What Is Life. Dude. So you get the idea. This guy was fucking huge. And I didn't really, until this case came about, it was in the mid, early 2000s. I mean, I didn't know Phil Spector's name, right? I don't think most people did.

There he is. There he is without his hair. Wow. What a difference hair makes. Yeah. Truly. Jesus Christ. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And the ears. He looks like a goblin. No wonder he was wearing that big stupid hair to cover the ears. I like how it says, 10 years after her conviction, Phil Spector sporting new look. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. He actually looks happier after 10 years. Yeah, in prison? Because the one on the left is like he's just been locked up. Yeah, he's used to life behind bars now. So Phil Spector case was a pretty outrageous and surprising case. One in that it involved a celebrity, right? A big music producer. And secondly, in that this was right, this was like not very long after

the, this was the next case, let's say major murder case after Simpson. And as far as like police and prosecution, LA took a beating with that where like these, so when this case first came out, like when, when, when the murder was reported and investigators went, the DA didn't even want to file. I didn't know that until I watched the show. The district attorney's office was like hesitant to file because they're like, we just don't want to get

We don't want to fuck this up. Another big murder trial. Another big murder trial with a celebrity, and then they get off. And so everybody was like, this guy fucking murdered this woman. And they were still like, yeah, I don't know. We don't want to file this case. They were just going to not charge him. But they had pretty overwhelming evidence. So I didn't remember the details of it, but Phil Spector had a driver take him.

that night to House of Blues. And he was hanging out in the foundation room. And the driver also took him home. Well, this woman, Lana Clarkson, was working as a hostess at the foundation room. And she had first disrespected him, which she was like, like, ma'am, you can't come in here.

Misgendered Phil Spector. Yeah, yeah. And one of the managers was like, get that guy whatever he wants. So she did a turnaround and was like, oh, I'm sorry, and took care of him the rest of the night. Well, he got shit-faced, and she helped him get in the car. And when she was helping him get into his own car that the driver's driving, he's like, you got to come see my castle. You got to come see my castle.

because he had this fucking monstrosity this castle in alhambra which was like in the alhambra alhambra in the middle of the uh of the suburbs so it's just like a suburban neighborhood nobody lives in alhambra and then they put his fucking weird castle on top of it right yeah look at that that picture on the right though it's like that's the neighborhood on on that other photo there where you can see yeah it's so weird it's not really it doesn't fit there at all for that

So anyway, he's like, come to my castle, come to my castle. Eventually she agrees. She comes over at one point they're having this conversation. I think he's just, he was known. It was later revealed that,

to, he loved scaring women. He loved. He loved scaring women. He loved scaring women and he loved threatening them and he loved waving a gun and telling them like, you're going to fucking lose your life. And like, he was very, they brought, they brought woman after woman on trial. He was like, yeah, he told me, he was like, shut the fuck up or I'll put this in your mouth. Wow, what a cool guy, I didn't realize. So what he did was, she's sitting in this chair at the bottom of the stairs. Apparently, he puts a gun in her mouth

he shoots her right now here's the interesting thing when here's what's kind of this is neat so the driver hears something he goes to the door he sees Phil Spector there's blood he's holding a gun and Phil Spector is he's half in the bag I mean he's been drinking he goes I think I just killed somebody

And the driver's like, he panics and runs and he calls 911. When the cops arrive, he's like, this fucking bitch just killed herself in my house. What a fucking asshole. And he has this whole ranting, raving speech that they recorded. He's like, who the fuck just fucking walks into a house and kills himself? And so they're like, okay. And they entertain it like it's possible.

But one of the funny, you know, kind of giveaways here from the coroner's office is the trajectory of the bullet is down. Like who takes a gun and goes down, right? Everybody does it either level or up. And so, I don't know, this with all the other evidence kind of tied the whole story together. And then I watched that and I slept like a baby. That's what I was going to say. You turn that off and you're like...

Wow. Yeah. That's really insane. Yeah. But anyways, good show and shout out to the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department and their homicide detectives. God, dude. Yeah. Wow. That's cool. You like that? No. No, I don't ever, but I'm glad you like something. Oh, man. It was fucking, it was really good. Oh, cool.

Okay. How about I give you a different change of pace to open the show? Ready? Yeah. Here you go. As I tease the female part and tickle it just enough to make it wet but not enough to get her off. Can you hand me my notepad? And then I go two and a half inches up with my fingers and press after I tease it. Okay.

Who is right? Don't bring anyone's mother to this. Your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pazitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. You don't want to get teased?

so

That's like the third week in a row that you've been opening with these nasty guys. These guys are fucking rad. What is your deal? I've been missing these guys, dude. Oh. Oh, that again, huh? Mm-hmm. You are just in love with those things. I love my Rogues. I do. What? Shout out to Rogue. I love this Spearmint Pouch. If you want to send me a thousand cans, I will not object.

Well, you love them so much, I've been finding them in our bedroom next to your bed. It's called Payback. You've been doing it with flossers for years. Yeah. And now... So I like to start my day with Rogue and end my day with Rogue, and then in the middle of the day, have Rogues. Okay. So...

I do. I love it. I take it into a workout. You do. You're always doing this now. So like when I'm chilling out at night, I'm like, I want to watch a homicide investigation. I throw in a rogue. I've already taken my vitamins. Mm-hmm.

Done my peptides, brush my toothies, and I'll still pop in a Rogi. And then what I'll do is I watch and I watch and I watch. And then when they go, and you're guilty, 75 years in prison, I turn it off and I go, I still have a Rogi in. And then I go, and I throw it on the ground.

So unhygienic. I'm not sure what's more unhygienic, your discarded rogues or my flossers.

I think it's very curious. No, there's no curiosity. Well, the fosters don't live in my mouth for endless hours. They have what's between your teeth on them. But that's once a day. You're doing this all day, right? And even around the office, you've been leaving these things. Yeah, we have been finding some. The girls have been like, who's fucking leaving these rogues everywhere? Yeah, I found one today too. Yeah, I accidentally touched one of them. It was pretty gross. Where'd you find it?

Where? On the bar right outside. By the coffee machine. Yeah. You're just leaving them? I don't know that that was me. I'm not the only guy that throws a Rogian around here.

I mean, Bert does too, but he hasn't been here in a while. Yeah. Bert will leave them all over the set too. Yeah. I accidentally touched one of them. See, that's the difference is I don't do this in the office. No, I actually don't think I do that either. I'm serious. I always throw these in trash cans or the toilet or whatever. I think there might be somebody else leaving them around the office. The road bandit? The only place I absolutely disrespect is right next to my bed. I do do that. Your marital bed with me? Yeah. Yeah.

I've been noticing my step on them. It's cool. The kids have been playing with them. The hamster's gotten into it now. That's fun. Experiment. That's my jam. That's your jam? How many flaves do they have? Maybe I'll pick up this rogue, too. I don't know. Probably have like... What about for ladies? Is there a flavor for me? A little strawberry? Yeah, there's all kinds. There's cinnamon. There's like an orange. There's peppermint. There's...

I think there's a coffee flavor. They got all kinds of stuff. And how do I do this? What are you doing? Go to the gas station with me. We can stop on the way home. No, but how do you put it in your mouth? Because you also wear adult braces. I'm curious how those go with that. You know what you get for that? As I stare into her eyes with my blue eyes. Oh, fuck. And then she drowns in the oceans that are my eyes. And then she gets turned on and gets very wet because of my eyes. Okay, I'm going to have to talk to him.

Can I just tell you what he needs to do a little bit is he needs to edit down because it starts very poetic. Like, as she gazes into my eye, he goes, and then because she's turned on, then she looks back like he's... I know what you're saying. He loses the tone of that. So I think you need to...

maybe write it out first and then either read it or memorize it so you don't have the additional ands that take away from the... Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought you meant like a tonal shift. Well, the tone kind of shifts too. He needs to keep it... Either it's filthy front to back...

Or you just keep it kind of more poetic is what you're saying to me. That's what I'm hearing. In either way, it's trimming it down. Yeah. There's too many more. I mean, here's another example. Well, in the lighting. As I like the pleasure of the posse. Okay, I really don't. Please do not get fussy or angry while I'm teasing the posse. Oh.

Or maybe I should punish the pussy. He looks like a pussy, doesn't he? With his stubble and his pink red mouth and his blotchy eyes. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. What's wrong with him? If you are in a relationship, I would love for you to play videos of this man to your lady and try to get a recording of her reacting.

I would love to have a collection of women reacting. Ideally, I would play this before you are going to be romantic. In other words, you know it's going to happen tonight. You know what's going on. Just be like, hey, I want to show you something and have her be like, okay, maybe get her a glass of wine, you know, like get her in the mood. And then you go, just watch this first. And then you record her and let him take it from there. Let him do the work, you know?

Do you know what I mean? What is it? Is it drugs or mental illness? Maybe I should punish the pussy.

Like, can I tell you why it makes me so sad? Why? I don't know, like, why, but I am, like, when I hear him talking and the angle, I imagine that I'm locked in his studio apartment with him. That's not hot. And, like, I'm not going to get out of this unless he lets me do these things. And that's why I'm like, ugh. Like, I can't, do you understand? Like, even in my mind, I'm a victim, right? Do you know what I mean? Where you're just like, oh,

Oh my God, I'm never going to escape. This guy is going to... But why don't you change your perspective? He's going to force, like, do all this stuff to me. But it's just perspective. Think about how pleasurable that could be if somebody who knows the female body like this... You know what? First of all, you've been subjecting me to cool guys for a long time.

My new curations are going to be cool women who talk like this. And we'll see how you feel, Phil Spector. You like to torture me. You're the Phil Spector of cool guy videos with me torturing women. Okay. Well, enough of that. It's a marshmallow. I think since female milk is better for us than cow's milk, that we should farm a bunch of females for their milk.

And then we have to milk them and I'll do the milking. I know. This is like an open micers bit. I think like our friends have done this bit like first year into comedy. I got it. You got it? I got it. Okay.

- Finding the perfect insurance policy that can be so frustrating to the point where all you want to do is forget about it and put it off for a later time. 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies

that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. It's something you absolutely have to do if you have anybody that relies on you in any way, kids, spouse, whatever, whoever relies on you, they need the safety net. And here's the nice thing is now you have an easy way to understand what's out there. Policy Genius's expert licensed support team is your

advocate at every step of the process. With thousands of five-star reviews on Google and Trustpilot from customers who found the best fit for their needs, Policy Genius will always be a trustworthy source for you to count on. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com slash YMH or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much

you could save. That's policygenius.com slash YMH.

Think of some comedy duos who got it done. Key and Peele, Cheech and Chong. What about the perfect duo when it comes to growing your business? That's you and Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business, from the launch your online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to the did we just hit a million orders stage. Shopify is there to help you grow, whether you're selling washcloths or custom tracksuits or

Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system, wherever and whatever you're selling, Shopify has got you covered. I'll tell you personally, whenever I see a Shopify option, it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel like it's all going to work out. Shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success and

every step of the way because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash mom's house, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash mom's house now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash mom's house. Okay. Can we not? Moving on. God. You know what we should revisit though? What? Um,

Fartgate that happened here. Oh, yeah. Do we have any updates on this? We actually do. No. Yeah. We have updates. Well...

Fartgate. For those of us who don't know what Fartgate is, the fart in question is whether or not any let out a mega fart that was heard around the office. And we had last time camera footage, but it had no audio on it. And I don't think was very convincing because all it had was any, you know, jiggling his legs up and down and then going. You know what I mean? That's not enough to convict a man on said fart.

And I'm frankly convinced that maybe Chad's framing him a little on this. Guess what? They both submitted more content. What? Yeah. So Chad gave me what he said is video from the booth of Annie doing this super disrespectful fart. And there's a bunch here. Want to just see it? Yeah, of course. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Is this it? Wait.

What the fuck? Is that you? Hm? I think Eni just farted into the mic. Oh my- This is fucking crazy, dude. Are we still rolling on that? Jesus Christ, bro. Giving a new meaning to Gaslight. What the fuck, man? Is that real?

Is what real? What happened there, Eni? What do you mean? Bro, it's all narrated. This is what Chad does. He's a fucking documentary film professor. In what way did I narrate this? You put the text on the thing. It's black video. I'm transcribing the actual audio. Yeah, but what you're doing is setting it up so that it makes sense to your story, but it's a not true story. You're just fucking putting it out there.

So was that fart, did that fart happen in that moment or no? Yes. I mean, see, the thing about these is like, I don't remember, I don't even know what recording that was. Yes, he does. Here's the thing. He went in and deleted this audio, but what he doesn't know is that I back up the audio onto a separate hard drive that he didn't have access to. Yeah. So you just happen to have the footage that both you edited and this backup. Zolo, you don't remember this day?

I think I need to stay a neutral party in this matter until all the evidence has been presented. Okay. But you did hear yourself in there. Yeah. I was there. Yeah, but Your Honor...

I feel like because we didn't see the conversation that Annie has a good point. Like anybody can go. You can just play a fart. Yeah. And then he could have had them be actors and like recreate a moment. And Cougar would say, holy, any fart for no reason. That's something maybe he wrote the script and then they recorded it over. I don't think that that happened. But that wasn't Cougar that I literally, I heard that that's Tom at

That's Tom, and I definitely didn't hear... Tom? Yeah. That's how I would never say holy any fart. Exactly. He didn't say that. I don't know what he said, but this is what I'm talking about. He frames it to be exactly what he wants it to look like, but that's not... All right. Let's see the other evidence. Here's the other one. Okay. You tell me what you think of this. Oh, man. What is this? I don't know. Where is this? See you next week. Did you fart? No. Who farted? Did you hear a fart?

No. Wow! Wow! Eddie! See? Eddie, you turkey! What? You got us! That's fucking AI. I don't know what the fuck, like, clearly he's doing it again. I don't know what the fuck. Can I tell you something? You are such a little turkey. He's a psychopath. I know! I know!

I know. I mean, the lengths that he went to. So many lies now. It's all. Do you even hold in your shit for a month now? I feel like I can't believe. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. That's real. That's

Yeah, how do we know now? I feel like I doubt everything I've ever known about you. He's always adamant, like, fuck no, that wasn't me. He's such a good liar. You should be an actor. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. The lengths he goes to that I uncovered during all this. Chad, I owe you an apology. You do owe him an apology. I am so sorry, Chad. I apologize. And we'd like to speak to you individually, too. Look at Chad's face. Wow.

Because that was right after we just got done arguing about whether or not he farted. And he did. And then he just did it. Yeah, yeah. He beefed in the mic. Yeah, yeah. No, you beefed in your own mic. You beefed in this mic. And you did beef in the lobby that day, right? I've never fucking farted in here ever.

Oh my god, you're sociopath. Bro, we just saw you beef in the mic and then you winked and you beefed and you winked and you beefed. Welcome to my life. People don't realize that this is a podcast. This is fucking edited. People cut shit together and make it look like... I feel like I'm talking to my mom. This is the kind of stuff my mom would say. My schizophrenic mother denying my reality my whole childhood. Look at this guy. Oh, he fucking laid it. He got that video from my phone, I'm sure.

I said that to my fucking girl. And he always hates when I wink after I fart. He always hates it. For full fart-spiracy. See you next week. Bye, Mommy. Look at him. How is that AI? Did you hear a fart? Unbelievable. How do you feel? You're a fucking psycho. I mean, I've been sitting here listening to them go back and forth for weeks about this. So, yeah, I mean, it's pretty wild. But I feel like I'm...

I'm kind of just the child watching their parents fight. Do you poop? Tell me the truth. Do you poop once a month too? I mean, well, again, the whole month thing, that was like a whole fucking, it was like a challenge, right? That's not like a normal thing, right? Yeah. But we've said that. People have made it a month, but that's not real. But,

The problem that actually it came from? Yeah, 100%. 100%. Yeah, that's real. Unreal. So disappointed. I know. I feel like I've been fucking just, I feel like a juror who's just like, what? Yeah. And they just pulled out the evidence and you're like, holy shit. Yeah, but then OJ is fucking, the glove don't fit, don't acquit or whatever. Then don't fart in my hands. He's trying to disprove what we see with our eyes. He's all fart in mirrors. Yeah. You're gonna believe me or you're fart in eyes? Yeah.

Niana, what do you think of this shit? I mean, this is... Isn't that... I'm glad it finally came forward because he's been blowing up this studio for the past, like, month. She's out of her mind. It's stinky, it's loud, and it's disrespectful. It's also new. He had never been doing this for, like, years. Dude, why now? They've just been quiet. You've been quiet writing them? Yeah. And now you're starting farting. What's going on with you? What's going on with me? Uh,

I mean, good things, you know? I mean, no bad things. But what's going on with me? Nothing different. Nothing different, I think. Yeah, I'm just chilling. Let's switch this up here. I'm just... I'm reeling from this. I need to change topics. It's like your child lies to your fucking face. Yeah. It's unbelievable. This is a crazy... This is like our kid lying to us. No, it's really crazy. This is like discovering a fucking... I'm so disappointed in you. So...

We got an email. You need another rogue to deal with this grief. I know, I do. Go ahead. A new type of airtight. Oh. This person says, I live in Shreveport, one of Todd's favorite cities, and for years have been well aware of an infamous crackhead streetwalker who was nicknamed by the locals as Colostomy Candy. As you might have guessed, this is because she would let her customers fuck her colostomy hole. Okay.

She is now deceased, confirmed by local EMS and medical staff due to continuous infections in her shithole. Big surprise there. This raises several questions that allow for an in-depth discussion.

How bad is your mouth, puss and ass that someone would opt to bang your leaky shithole? Two, would she remain seated to engage in intercourse or lay down? Finally, but most arguably the most important, did the additional hole up an opportunity for a new type of airtight? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Piss on me, beat me, fuck my colostomy, whatever. Taylor, I'm a dude.

Now, did I mention we got a hamster? Isn't that a nice topic? You don't want to explore colostomy bags? I mean, can I see one? Because I don't know if I've ever actually seen what they look like or how they work. Oh, really? If we're going to get into the topic, I'd like to know what I'm really dealing with. Okay. I know what it is. It's a bag used to collect your caca. Yeah. If you can't make brown normal. It's like in the abdominal area. And you push your caca out of there.

And it goes into, it's collected into a bag. Correct. Okay. Oh, that doesn't look good. I think the real question is what is wrong with men? What is wrong with men? That you're fucking colostomy bag holes? Not what's wrong with her. We know why she's doing it. She's a crackhead. Yeah. She's living on the streets and she's down on her life. Yeah, like what is wrong with a dude? Who's like, yeah, fuck that hole.

It's like you said, though. Guy will fuck the back of your knee. Yeah, they don't care. Have I said that? You said that, yeah. Yeah, they don't care. They don't care. But I feel like you'd have to be down bad to be like, what's up with that? Can you take that colostomy bag off? Let me have a go at that. Here's the real question. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. No hoops.

No BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month. We use Mint Mobile at the studio, and I can personally attest to how easy it was to get set up with our unlimited plan to get this new customer offer.

and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com/mom. That's mintmobile.com/mom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/mom. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.

See Mint Mobile for details. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling, or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is a straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler.

Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one. Right now, get

$50 off your purchase of $500 or more with the code yourmom at bluenile.com. That's $50 off with the code yourmom at bluenile.com. Bluenile.com. Is that, did she charge more for the colostomy bag or less? Meaning, you know, was access to the other holes cost more? Is that why a guy would opt for the bag hole? Is it a discount? Oh, man.

I know. Oh, man. I think any guy that opts for the colostomy hole. Cool guy club. Oh, yeah. It is Shreveport. We've both been to Shreveport, so it's plausible. We have. Oh, man. This is a rough one. Fuck off. Also, though, they do bring up one good point, is if she's going airtight, it's four. That is a new type of airtight. Yeah.

There's an additional hole now. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. God, I feel unsettled. Yeah, this whole, why did you bring this up right after Annie's thing? I don't know. We're also disillusioned. It felt like a natural transition. How are we going to, we need to sorbet to cleanse the palate. Something, okay. Something silly. Can you, can you, is there a fun video or something? I feel lost in the world. Here, I'll give you something fun.

What the fuck is this, babe? It's like a cupping treatment, but with a massive jar. And it's burning. It's burning her stomach. Well, we started off with Phil Spector. Yeah. No, I don't. Okay, okay. How about someone stuck on a ride? Okay, that's a good call. Here we go, here we go. Something silly, maybe? Okay, here we go, something silly.

Can you describe what you saw? That person got hit by a tree, a palm frond maybe falling. I've heard that happens quite frequently. Yeah, that happens. She's not okay. No, no, she's dead. Yeah.

There you go. That's pretty cool. That was pretty fun. For people watching somebody, a man is laying on his back with his legs spread. Yeah. And somebody drops an old boom box from the second floor balcony. Right. Onto his nuts. But I'm more, I'm curious where they get that boom box from. I know you can hardly find those anymore. You can't find a cassette player like that. So that's a, that hurt a lot. To treasure that old ass boom box. That really hurt. Fuck yeah, dude. From that height too. Yeah. That's such a lot. Fuck that. Fuck that.

The ceiling collapses in a movie theater because there's water. It's raining outside. Yeah, and it collapsed on everybody in the theater. That's not in America. I don't think so. It's a rough one. Yeah, that was a rough one. That was the Philippines. Philippines. Thank God. How did everyone do there? Not in America. Only six people were injured. Oh. Wow. Not too bad. Not too bad. They were just built different in the Philippines, huh?

Oh, and that tree definitely did. I got it. Thank you. Is there nothing just kind of silly, goofy, uplifting? Here we go. He's going to come up the steps. The warthog. Here he comes. Isn't that cute? Oh, my goodness. And he's huge. He's huge. Well, why don't you call him over? Hello, boy. There you go. I wonder if we can pet him. No. You can. You absolutely can. No. Hi, boy. Hi, boy. Hey, boy. No. No. No.

Help me. Help. Help. Gotcha. I got you. Yeah, that got me back. That was pretty cool. Well, because I will say, speaking of that silly little hamster we got, we bought one for the boys, you know, because I do like having an animal around the house. Yeah.

And I think they sold me a rat because it really looks like a rat. It's gray, it's slender, and it bites me all the time. And it bites you, but it doesn't bite the children, which is nice. Well, it bit me when I held it with my hand cupped. It doesn't like to be constrained. Right, so open palm is what you have to do. Yeah. Yeah. But it's adorable. I like hearing it at night. It's actually very soothing. Yeah. She's like, get me the fuck out of here, Frank.

Just running. And she's still alive. It's been like two weeks. I can't believe it. Shocked. I gave it 48 hours. But yeah, alive and well. The boys, the minute that thing came in the house. That thing runs. Touching it. All night. All night. It's on its wheel. I walk out there and it's like. Stressed out. It's working out the stress. It's like, fuck, these boys are coming back for me tomorrow. But Ellis takes good care of it.

That's cute. They're just shit pets. I have an interesting one for you. Do you know that, have you ever seen a special needs person and thought, I want to give them a hug?

Yeah. They're adorable. Exactly. Yeah. Like midgets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just go, I'm going to pick one up. They're so cute. They're so cute. I'm going to pick them up. Yes. Did you know that they prefer to be asked? Who? Little people? All people of special needs. And Down syndrome people? Mm-hmm. They prefer to be asked and not just snuggled? Asked. Yes. Oh, see, I think I would want... Like, people want to hug me a lot in public, and I'm always like, yeah, of course. I love a good snuggie. But...

You're wanting them to ask or don't ask? Yeah, they usually go, can I hug you? And I go, yeah, sure. You're supposed to ask. Always ask the other person for consent, like this. Can I hug you? No, I don't want to be hugged. So would you like to have sex? No, I would not like to have sex. If someone was going to give me a hug, and I don't want them to, I would say no thank you. I would say no.

- Not right now. - That's smart. - If you don't want to, you don't have to. If you don't wanna do it, then don't say yes, say no. - I wanna hug him. - So the whole thing is, these are not your pets, Christina. - But they're so cute and adorable, I agree. - Doesn't matter, that's why they had to put out the video. People like you, who think they can just go up.

And hug and pick people up. Down syndrome people. Yes. Because they're so cute. Yeah. I didn't even think about what a problem that must be for them being so adorable and lovable. Yeah. Yeah. What a curse to be just so cute. I know. And to think, though, that somebody would want you to ask permission. I know. I know. Because I'm friends with, well, we are friends with Brad Williams. He's an LP. He's made it very clear. Don't just pick me up. Yeah. You know, he doesn't like that. Because it's happened to him multiple times. Is that right? Of course. Of course.

Every little person has had that happen to them. Yeah, don't pick them up. I think that's rude. Sometimes they get thrown. Yeah, that's not nice. He's pretty heavy. I don't think he would be easy to pick up. I mean, I'm saying maybe on the scale of little people. Some people would go like, oh, here's a little fella. I'm just going to pick him up. Toss him in the air, catch him like a toddler. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. I think you need another talking to in that situation.

Wait, what else do you think is adorable and inappropriate at the same time? Besides little people? Yeah, I'm trying to think what else I like. Spinners? Chicks? Yeah. Speaking of spinners, we've been watching the Olympics. Yeah. And here's the deal, man. We were talking about which type of athlete we would bang. Now, dudes are always saying, oh, it's one fucking spinner or gymnast. Gymnast. Here's the thing. Because there's different...

qualities to each of these athletes. Yes. So if we're talking about women, the gymnasts are always petite, super flexible, like crazy. That's what guys love. Yeah. Right. They're like pretzels. I mean, legs behind the head and you, you know, you just do whatever you want. And,

So that's the appeal there. However, might I point out, Your Honor, I agree, I understand the appeal, is that they're actually built really stocky. Like if you look at like Mary Lou Retton or any of these old- Oh, they're fucking crazy athletes. Like the top is very heavy and then it kind of goes in like a triangle. Yeah. So I'm not so sure aesthetically- Can we not, Mary Lou Retton, can we do a more- Remember Mary Lou from 1984? Yeah.

Well, I don't know who's not in a minor. Who's like... No, yeah, of age, please. Jesus Christ. They're not always built...

That femme is what I'm trying to say. I mean, look, you don't get it all. And I know you like big sloppers. A lot of them are in the hungry titty committee. Yeah, of course. Well, they have no body fat. Most of these athletes don't. And no period, which is great. You could just bust nuts in all of these athletes. Now here's another, if we're doing more females here, the beach volleyball team. They're like statues. Stunning. Can we look at beach volleyball, please? They're like 5'9 to 6'2. Yes. Beautiful bodies. Yes. They're also obviously super athletic. Yes.

Let's look at them. Yeah, and plus they always wear those little short shorts to be professional. Yeah, their little asses are hanging out. Yeah, they look, they're usually very attractive. Do you think, can I ask you something seriously? Sure. Do you think the short shorts going into their ass is more comfortable than...

like a bikini brief or just a regular short? Like, is there a real utility in this costume? Or is this just for... I think if they're wearing a short short, it's going to ride up on them anyway. And they're pulling it down all the time. So they're just, they're performing with underwear in their assholes. And they're fine with it. And they're the only athletes that have to do that, which is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like why can't they wear those Lesbo shorts, like those old 80s runner shorts, those Jimmy Six shorts? I don't know. I would prefer that. Yeah. I'm down with the thongs. I know. Yeah, but so they can get it. Beach volleyball can get it. Hold on. I know who you should have sex with. The ribbon twirlers. Hold on. Hear me out. Flexible? Flexible.

Athletic as shit. On the gym floor, on the gymnastics floor. This girl, yeah. That bullshit. It's like 10 dicks in each hand. I don't even know how to keep up with this. Google those chicks because they have hungry, all of them have hungry tits. That's going to be a problem for you. Yeah. But they look more feminine. Look how gorgeous. Gorgeous. And it's a feminine sport. She's not going to have...

i don't know maybe as many breaks or i don't know sprains i don't know i want to be clear with these images i'd like to do an age check on anybody that we're of course thank you very much look how that's a fun one i'd i'd want to be a ribbon twirler um i'll tell you who i couldn't handle i would come so fast or the sprinters hello the sprinters

Like the fucking Jamaican sprinters. I would just be like, ugh. Everybody would. Because they're just built like crazy asses. Everybody would. And like, you're going to come though. Yeah. The Jamaican runners are so hot. Ugh. Oh, stop it. You shut up.

And also, yeah, let me look at the runners are always cool. Oh my God. They're cute. Yeah. I wouldn't last. That's distance. Fuck the distance runners. It's all about the sprinters. Yeah. They got strong thighs. Put up the Jamaican women's sprinting. It is true. There's something particular about the Jamaican runner. I agree. Either sex. Yeah. I would get down with everybody there. Yeah. They're beautiful. Bodies are beautiful. The bodies are crazy. Yeah. So fit. Yeah. Yeah.

I can tell you right now who I wouldn't get with. As much as I admire the sport, the swimmers. Really? I don't like how disproportionate, like Michael Phelps, just too disproportionate. The arms are too long. Yes, they're fit. They're in great shape, but their bodies are disproportionate. For men, here's who I would think. And they smell like a pool probably. They do smell like a pool a lot.

And these guys also smell like a pool. But physically, I feel like this is like the male desired aesthetic is water polo. Yeah. I like water polo. Those dudes are like very. Those dudes are incredible. Yes. And very European. Mostly European. They're playing very good water polo. I like that. Yeah, they're good. Water polo dudes are like, they're usually. See this here. They're usually. First of all, some of them are like six, seven. Yeah, it's nice. And they're just fucking totally jacked.

Yeah. But like fit, it's not grotesque muscular. Yes. They're just like. Because they're lean. Yeah. I like that. These dudes are real athletes. I don't like the gay bonnets that they wear in the waters. Yeah, but they take it off for bed. I know. They're not going to fuck you with them on. It looks gay as shit. And I get why, because they'll rip their ears off, right? Yeah, it's a really physical game. Oh, look at their little speedos. So cute. Now, would you do a. I like those guys. Would you do a gangbang with the water polo team?

It depends, because now that we've discussed bringing Oasis back together again, is it for a good cause? Hungary. Hungary has a great cause. Hungarians are the best at water polo. Scroll up a little bit. Other way. More. A little more. Wait, down, down. Like, that picture there. There. Like, imagine that you're in your room, and then this is at the door. Right. But again, what am I doing it for? Like, I'm...

I'm too old now to like do it for shits and giggles. Like do I, is it making money for cancer research? Cancer research? No, it's just for you to get off. Is it so that Bauhaus tours again? Yeah, Bauhaus is going to tour again. Oh yeah, for sure. It's got to be a reason for me. I don't care about experience. It's 15 guys. Yeah. Oh, one, two, three. Is it like Chili's? Like the levels of Chili's? Yeah. Yeah. You're stuck in a Chili's.

Does everybody have to come, all 15? Yeah. Does it matter where? No, it doesn't matter where. How much time do I have? I mean, it's the Olympics. It's all about getting things done quickly, you know. You think they can come faster because they're so athletic? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're young. But I'm old. I'm not going to be turning them on. No, you don't know that. It might be harder for them to come. No, it might be like a kink. They're like, you see this fucking ancient woman we're with? She was probably at the first Olympics. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well, hold on. How much time do I get, though? Tell me. To make them all finish? You have an hour. That's 15 guys in an hour. What is that? Six minutes? Six minutes per guy. Yeah, right? Four minutes. Four? I'd need more time. Okay, hour and a half. You have 90 minutes. No, I'm under the gun. Yeah.

I'm under the gun. That means I have to go airtight. Yeah. Because I have to do multiple inputs. You got to utilize multiple inputs. So everybody can come. And you're like, come on, guys. So it's got to be in five turns, intervals of three. Five different rounds? Yeah. At how much apiece am I getting for an hour? Sorry. What is that? What's that math? If I'm doing airtight...

Three guys per sesh, five rounds. And every time a threesome. 12 minutes. A 12 minutes a round. I would do it that way if I had to. Very cool. Yeah. And so every time a threesome finishes, Bauhaus goes, I think we'll. Peter Murphy. They turn on an amp. They're like. Yeah.

Peter Murphy puts on one tight, one black tight, and then he puts his cape on when the other guy finishes, the fourth guy finishes. And then when the final threesome finishes, they're all like, hey, and you go, I did it, I did it. And you're just covered. Covered in cum. Yeah, yeah.

What a cool thought for you. Would it be easier to get through if they were non-English speaking? Yeah. So you don't have to... I don't want to talk to them, man. And like, who knows what the fuck they're saying? Who cares? You want to dissociate, right? You want to hear like... I would be so drunk or high or whatever. Very cool. This is a cool scenario. Yeah.

I mean. Sounds like you might need to give some consent if you have to be that drunk and high. Yeah, of course. No one wants to be. I don't want to be anyway. Yeah. So what country do you think? Oh, I wouldn't want to do my. You don't want to do your country of origin. Slavic-y types because that's too much like my family. Yeah. I like Italians. We're learning Italian. Can you pull up the Italian water polo team? Sure, I could do that. I bet they're good looking. The Greeks probably cool. Yeah.

Uh, Latins. I like Latins. Okay. Let's see. Where's the, that's the U.S. team. No, I don't do no fucking Americans. That's U.S. Jesus Christ, my fucking. Fucking bitch. Stupid Siri. Oh. Oh, okay. Is that Italian? That's U.S. Oh, the U.S. team is very handsome. Is there not a men's Italian team?

Because I like the Italian men's faces. Oh, or you know what? The Netherlands. They're attractive people. They're big, too. Yeah. Fine with me. Oh, that's a handsome gent in the water. What team is that? Italy. Yeah. That's an Italian guy. I like it. Yeah? I like Italians. Italian. He is very masculine.

I also feel like the Italians would be respectful and friendly. Yeah, like they would be cool with it because they're cool. That's US. Why can't we get just put Italian polo? Those guys look naked as they're squatting down. I would just redo the search. Can I ask you something? What? Now, are you going to ramrod?

The entire gymnastics team? You know, I hadn't thought about that, but it's a legitimately good question. Okay, you have to... Well, listen to me. What? There's 15 women on the women's gymnastics team. You gotta begocken every one of them. That's so fucking difficult. So what? How long is it gonna take you? Pop a Viagra. Pop 15 times? It's different. Different. Well, how long... Let's discuss the parameters. How long would it take you? Well...

It's your age. It's a factor. Of course it is. And how much Viagra would you have to take? Probably more than the doctor would recommend. And also my balls at one point would just go. No, right. So then, so let's talk about, is it a week long? Oh, and all you're doing is you're renting a hotel, but you're renting like the Marriott. I'm not going to put you up at the Ritz. Okay. By the airport. I think, you know,

There's a little bit of extra oomph doing it for my country, doing it for... Because you were doing it for Bauhaus. What am I doing it for? Whatever you want. You choose your cause. Free some hostages or something? Is that going to motivate you truly? Yeah, doing it for something of meaning. Yeah, sure. All right. Something purposeful. I think Bauhaus is the biggest purpose, but whatever. Okay. Yeah, I think... I don't know. I mean...

I would say we're going to 15. You have to, you have to plow through 15 or your, or your Jamaican runners. Oh my God. There's 15 Jamaican runners. Oh my God. I mean, I would need multiple days. Right. Yeah.

And all you're doing is banging. All you're doing is sleeping, eating, getting ready. Yeah, I was going to say there's a recovery thing. Because here's the thing. Let's say day one, it's day one. You get lucky. You get lucky because it's day one. It's a little extra excitement in the air. There's extra excitement. And you're like, I can't believe I'm doing this for freedom. And then...

I think at the end of the day, if you had, at my age, five or six. Wow. That would be, yeah, that's. That's pushing it. Yeah, no, but the thing is, day two, they're like, we got six more. I'm like, you're going to have to chop that in half. And I'm going to need some more fruit. And I need some protein. I need some rest. I need some ice. Yeah. So I think you could do six full night of recovery. Hold on. What? You have to do it in Chili's. In a Chili's? Yeah.

Is it open? Are people eating there? No, we're going to rent it out. But all the food and sustenance and rest happens at Chili's. Why? Because I like it that way. I don't want you to be too comfortable. I'll do my gangbang in Chili's as well. Oh, my God. So I think six is day one.

And then you sleep on the booth. You sleep on a booth at Chili's. What are you going to eat to recover? Let's look at the Chili's menu. Let's be strategic because you want to eat a lot of protein. And carbs. You need carbs. You need energy, man. I want you to be eating those tater skins. Yeah, what's going on with the Chili's menu? Let's see what you can order to recover from banging six chicks. I don't want a triple dipper. I don't want anything fried. I really don't. What else do they have? Scroll out of that. I do want an espresso.

but not a martini yeah do they have nothing that isn't fried jesus christ steak and ribs yeah some of that and then i need like mashed potatoes i think they have good mashed potatoes the scent alex's santa fe burger looks nice okay sandwiches guiltless grill

Christ. I would do the guiltless grill. Okay, okay. Good call. Oh, yeah, with avocado and the sirloin. Yeah, that's my first post-six-nut recovery meal. The classic sirloin with avocado, 10 ounces. That's helping me. But you're going to have to order that really red in the middle so that it comes out kind of cooked. I know. Like cooked, because they're going to overcook the shit out of that. Tons of water, maybe some...

But it's like that shitty gun water. I know, it's that shitty water. It tastes like soda. Maybe some Arnold Palmer's lemonade and iced tea.

A little caffeine, a little sugar. Yeah. Now, my eating sitch is going to be different. Oh, go-to alcohol. There you go. You don't get a lot of breaks in yours. I get a lot of breaks. I'm going to drink all that alcohol, and then I'm going to order from the kids' menu, which is my new secret thing I do. What kind of breaks are you taking? Pepperoni pizza after I bang all those guys. Oh, after. I rinse off. But yours is insignificant because it's post all of it.

Yeah, after an hour, I'm done. Right, but I'm saying your meal, like my meal is sustenance. It's fueling this major fucking challenge. Mine is just to fill the alcohol, to soak up the alcohol that's in my stomach so that I've dissociated enough to get through it. It's a different meal. I think I have a problem, though, I just realized. What? I mean, I think it's six on day one, and I don't think it's more than three on day two. I really don't. Because six is a lot. Why don't you cut back on the first day? That's nine.

Why don't you space it out three, three, three? Too many days. I mean, what's the point? At that point, you're just like, can you do three a day? I think we're trying to go for like, you know, you got to make it challenging. That's what I'm saying. You're trying to get it done in what? Three days? Four days? That's five a day. Five a day is really where the challenge lies. I think that's what you do. All right. I think you got to go for five a day. And I think it's a third day. There's tears. I think you're really struggling.

Can you imagine when you're like, all right, that's 13. Two more. I'm like, I can't. I can't. I can't. And then you just show up, show me pictures of people locked up in like North Korean labor camps. And I'm like, I can come. I can do it. Give me another five. I'm just like, come on, Tom, rude boy. Show me how a white boy fuck. I'm like, I'm trying. I'm trying.

I've tried. I've tried. How many, so explain to me, so Viagra you take and then once you pop, you have to take another Viagra? No, no, but you're not supposed to like, you can't just keep pop, it's bad for your, you know, this is like opening all your arteries and your blood vessels up. You can't just, I think it's like one a day, you know, maybe two if you're pushing it. Do you start in the morning or do you wait? Oh yeah, no, you're up, you're up, 6 a.m., you're like, I'm ready to go.

You enter this challenge way more chipper than you finish it. In the Chili's. Yeah. You wake up in that booth. That 15th, just a little eyedropper just goes... And then there's IVs. There's got to be a whole medical staff waiting for me. All the fluid is just drained from your body. And then the whole country...

It's like that video where they're all watching the soccer. And they just go crazy. Tom, you did it. You did it. There has to be this porn, by the way. This, I'm sure, exists. Sponsored by? Not in Chili's, but there's definitely like, how many times can this guy do it challenge? Yeah, I'm sure that exists. I want to see, though. You're the one. I'm sure you can make this search. We don't have a VPN right now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We don't have a VPN in here. Yeah, what? No. Why? I'll get on it. We gotta get on that. It makes your internet slower, so... Oh. We don't want to stay on it, but we can get one just in case. Very gay. I... Very gay. That's almost as gay as pickleball. Yeah. All right, peachy. I got a peachy. Oh, yeah. I'll be right back. Right back. And we're back. Excellent pee. Thank you very much for asking. You know...

Coming out of the Olympics, there's no better time to talk about the sport that has really transformed the nation in the last year, I feel like. Maybe the world, but certainly in the United States. And that is the...

ever-growing sport of pickleball. I know, I hate it so much. It's really taken off. I know, and it's so gay. I really feel like it does the sport of tennis no favors. Like, if you're a tennis person, you see it as an insult to tennis. You should. It's disrespectful. And most tennis people are like, yeah, this shit is for losers. It's for dorks, yeah. And then what's happening is that pickleball is so accessible...

And so easy compared to tennis is that some tennis players are like, oh, I'll play pickleball. And then guess what happens? They're the fucking best pickleball players ever, right? But most tennis players who have dignity and character go, I won't step foot on this kind of shit. Look, I don't play tennis anymore because it hurts my, I can't do it anymore physically. But as a former tennis player,

Because pickleball is so fucking disrespectful to the institution of tennis. And if you're a grown man playing pickleball, you should be ashamed of yourself. I don't care how fun it is. If you're not elderly, play the full court, you fucking fag. You should be 75. Play the court. Yeah, I totally agree. You're so gay. Sometimes people are like, oh, you go to the racetrack to drive? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I like doing that. And they're like, yeah, I play video games. Right.

I'm like, oh, that's cool. It's the same. Yeah, that's very much like it. Yeah. It's like playing table tennis. Well, here's the thing. It's just not. I think if you are going to not play tennis, play fucking ping pong, man. Yeah, I agree. It's either tennis or ping pong, but never pickleball. Pickleball.

Pickleball, just absolutely. Why is it? It upsets me so much. It's just not, it's not hard. The main thing, too, when you meet people that are into pickleball, they're like, it's so easy. You'll be great on day one. Yeah, that's the problem. Well, yeah, that's the way you should play tennis. Yeah, go swim in the kiddie pool.

You know what you could do instead of golf is you can go to a putt-putt place. Yeah, exactly. It's very accessible. It's very easy. It's like playing miniature golf and going, I'm a golfer. I mean, I have one element of the game down. It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's humiliating. And I hate to say it, and so many people I love are into it. All over the place. I know. And just say it. Like, if you're into it, it's fine. It's gay. You're gay, too. And that's fine. Just come out as a gay lord. Yeah. I just think people secretly hate it and...

Nobody's saying it, but we fucking hate you if you play pickleball. Tennis is tough. It's a challenging sport. It's so hard. And it's hard physically to get your ass across the court to get the ball in time. It's hard to serve. It's hard to return serves. Yes, yes, because the court is big. I've been pitched to play pickleball once a week for the last...

10 months. Somebody's like, you gotta come play. It's super fun and it's easy. Yeah. Okay. Well, go put on your dress, Sally, and your fucking summer bonnet. Why don't you pick up some fucking kettlebells and grow a pair of bells? Right. See, okay, this is what I was thinking of this morning because I did, I was training today. I've been weightlifting. Yeah. Right, I've been lifting. And I really enjoy it. And my trainer and I were talking about

Because she's on the apps and she's dating and she's like, people use catchphrases that are popular. Like right now the men are like, just trying to get my old sweatshirt back from my ex-girlfriend or something stupid. Yeah. Just trying to get my records back from the bitch or whatever stupid thing. And I was like, that's so funny because I would have such a hard time looking normal. On a dating app? It would be impossible for me to...

To have a clean social media. Here's your image. All right. Hold on. I mean, I'm dressed like an insane person most of the time. Click. Okay. And then what's your profile say? Okay. Here's what I'm into. My likes. I like weightlifting, goth music, and playing the drums. Lesbian. Yeah. I'm a depressed lesbian. Yeah.

What would your stuff be, though? I'm into my new training regimen with a strict diet. Yeah, diet. I'm learning Italian. Yeah. And, oh, yeah, and I like art. Yeah. You're a gay guy. Gay. Yeah. So each of us would fall into a gay category. For sure. Yeah. For sure. And if I tried to tell, I'd be like, oh, no, I'm straight. They'd be like, I saw your interests. You're gay. Yeah.

Just go ahead and get a pickleball paddle because you're gay. Totally. Yeah. Like when you think about like what you really, really like. Yeah, yours screams lesbian. Of course. Weightlifting, drums and goth. But I've always had, I've always been interested. Oh, I'm into photography. Sorry. And what boys like. Oh, you're so gay. Photography, Italian. Cooking. Yeah. I like to cook. I love art. But I like photography, but I prefer film.

I don't want digital film. But also murder. Don't forget you love murder documentaries. True. Which chicks do love that stuff too. Chicks love murder porn. It's like their favorite. It's almost like they prefer it with other chicks. I don't know. I don't watch it. I can't watch it. I'm too sensitive. I get sad.

But I still fucking hate pickleball. Every night. Reluctantly. Every night. No, but now. I know. You're like, you're going to put a murder on? I'm trying to sleep. Yeah. That's what you say. Yeah. I'm conditioned to. And if I don't hear something like that, I have a hard time falling asleep. It's like you're my Xanax. You're my natural Xanax. I have to hear you talking about murders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I wonder, do people do that? Like, do they actually tell the truth on their dating profiles? No. Right. Like, you wouldn't be like, I'm into drums.

No. I mean, it's all something kind of like catchy and quirky. Right. Because it's the game, right? So, yeah, you're trying to be funny. You know what I would put? Yeah, I'd be so dumb. I know this from all my shows that the coroner only has five choices for manner of death. And that's what it would be like, my little joke. It would be homicide, suicide, accidental, natural causes, or other. And so I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Which one do you want to be? Ha, ha, ha.

I love that. Yeah. Is that true? Wait, tell me the causes of death again. Manner of death. Manner of death. And that's decided by the coroner. So a medical examiner has to decide. So what are the five again? Homicide. Okay. Suicide. Yeah. Accidental. Sure. Natural causes. Sure. Or other. Ooh. What would the other be? Like what's other than all those four? I guess that's when they go, well, this wasn't a murder. This wasn't a suicide. This wasn't an accident. This wasn't a disease.

I don't know. What else can there be? Death by gayness. Yeah, being gay. Pickled baldness. Good choice. Just kidding.

Undetermined and pending. Oh, drogas? No? What's a drug overdose? Is that considered? Accident? Accidental? Yeah. I don't know, dude. So undetermined. Well, they can't figure it out, basically. But it's usually one of the others. Yeah. It's a pretty sassy tagline. Yeah. Some chick would love it. Some chick. Some psycho. He likes killing. Yeah. Chicks love that stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Cool chicks. Cool chicks. Slick chicks. Neat chicks. Yeah. Yeah. My whole thing would be a disaster. I just, cause I was just looking, do you ever look through your own Instagram profile every now and then just to see what other people see? Oh no. Oh really? I do it from time to time just to be like, what am I like? What am I presenting to the world? And I'm like, I'm fucking messed dude. I'm crazy. I mean, if I were like a single woman and trying to attract a mate, I'd be like,

Not good. That's a bad, bad story. This is crazy. Thank God you and I were pre-social media. Holy cow. That would have been fucking bad. How would we even? I don't know. How do you? Sup? I don't know. Yeah. Are you right? Sup? Sup, bitch? Can we do some TikToks, please? Why do you want to go to TikToks after that? I don't know. I don't want to hear sup, bitch. Stupid. Hey, what kind of cheese am I? You?

Probably Parmesan. Yeah, exactly. But I'm the good kind at the Italian restaurant. Not the kind that the waiter grates. You're not the shaky one that you insist on buying? Not the cheap, craft, shaky cheese? No, I'm the kind that's already grated, but it's on the table, and you have to use the spoon to scoop it. Oh, wow. But everybody likes me. And what am I? Everybody is into me. Oh, you're like a stinky...

foreign cheese you're like a like a lindberger or like a runny brie or like a like a blue cheese you're like a crummy you know what runny diarrhea giving rude i just had this weird and crazy idea that i should populate the earth i get three girls pregnant one day times up by 365 and so on and so forth

I hope you're all happy the world will be popular with people just like me. I hope you guys can take that.

I'm considered mentally disabled, so I'll be on social security, so I don't have to worry about child support. You got it. You were always asking. Mental illness, yeah. He looks good there. The lighting's great for him. Maybe I should punish the pussy. Oh, boy. See, he got me on this video. I like this one. It's a little Elon Musk thing. You like it? Yeah. I'm going to populate the world, bitch. What do you think? You said you wanted something silly. Here's silly for you.

- She just fell over. - Yeah, she's a drunk guy, fell off a chair. - That's always fun. - Yeah. - That's a good time. - It is a good time. All right, you ready? - I'm ready. - Here's your TikToks. - I love. - A swarm of bees landed on this chair and I was called to remove them. So I started scooping bees off the chair and shaking them into a new hive. With every handful of bees I scooped, I was searching for the queen.

These bees were very gentle and they were not trying to sting me, but they did not want to stay in the new hive since their queen was not in there yet. So I shook the entire colony off the chair and I began to search for the queen bee in the crowd.

As the bees were starting to settle into their new home, I saw the queen crawling along the back of the hive. It looked like she was trying to find a way to get inside and get back to her colony. So I put her in a clip and I put her into the new hive.

Then I waited for the colony to settle into the new hive and I took the bees home. I placed the new hive in my bee yard and the next day I released the queen bee from the clip and she rejoined her colony and it was another great day of saving the bees. Okay, here's a problem. Well, first of all, a very rare informative talk from you, which is very nice. But upon my second viewing of this, I can't,

figure out if I fucking like I love her because she's so weird yeah but I hate how she narrates but do you hate it scooped up the because it's kind of calming and she's also teaching yeah so it's nice that somebody that teaches speaks at a slow pace here I'm gonna nut six times and when I'm done I'll rest and then tomorrow six more times see that is better yeah

He scooped up the bees. I just, I feel like to do her job, you do need to speak that softly and have that temper. She has the temperament of a beekeeper. She's got the Eeyore temperament. I'm glad that she's out there doing that. Oh, me too. She's like a nice lady. She's a real nice lady. Thank you, Miss Bee Lady. Yeah, she's sweet. If you want to sleep with me, you're going to have to beg.

No exceptions. I don't know about the no mustache. I think this... Oh, the Abraham Lincoln? Yeah, the Abe look, the... What's it called?

in Pennsylvania the Van Dyke the you know the fucking no electricity people oh the Dutch no the Mormon the Amish Amish Pennsylvania Dutch where are they fucking the Amish look I don't know yeah I agree most chicks aren't like what a fucking Amish guy you know I know and he looks like he's at a dumpster like he's

behind a restaurant he's always putting out shit like this no I know he's a different type like the smut reader the guy who's like I will touch you I know who he is I got it like your nipples that's a different energy yeah this is a more manic energy it's more intense for this guy

Well, and he's doing the mystery thing. You have to beg. He's negging the girl. You're going to fucking ask me to do it. I'm not asking you shit. You fucking dummy. Yeah, you'd be lucky if I slept with you. You fucking lucky bitch. Hell yes. Another cool face tattoo. On a woman too. What is this BP? What is that? Is it like a team or something? Batting practice. Yeah. Nuh-uh. I don't know what it's for. I just didn't believe you. Budapest.

That's pretty cool, right? That is so hardcore. And she's pretty, man. I know. She is pretty. It's a bummer. I cannot wait until 2028 when we get her tattoo removal videos. Those are going to be awesome. She's like, look, I made a lot of mistakes. It was rough. I was in drugs and I was running with this vato named Herman. 100%. You know, he got me into meth. He got me in a lot of trouble. I just got out of corking, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I didn't make his lunche one time. No bueno. No. Hi, Riley. Oh, my God. This one's my new obsession. So he alternates between messages for Riley and then just like, hi, princess. Hi, beautiful. That's it. And that's it. That's the end of the talk. One point, two second. Those who do not know how it works are definitely my favorites. They are the best ones. Hi, Riley. Hi.

That is a close second to just when they look in the frame. Yeah, they're just looking at themselves. Post. Post. Upload that. Why would you post it? I don't fucking know. Because you know you can... You shouldn't. No. They just don't know how to... Because if you're... Okay, here's the thing. Hi, Riley. Hi.

Because here's what's, I don't know if this ever happened to you. You've ever been sitting on the toilet scrolling and then. Yeah, I know. And then you get on like TikTok and then it opens on you and then you like fucking accidentally record yourself on the Turlet. My biggest nightmare is like post and then there's a fucking thing of me on the shitter. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like I feel like that's what this is. I used to upload those. Just you sitting on the toilet? Shitting. Yeah. You should redo that. You should redo that.

People love it. You think so? Oh, they love it. All right. They love. Maybe I'll give it a shot. They love. Well, I hope Riley responds. I would love to know if Riley responds to this. Pinch you, Riley. Pinch you, Riley. Fucking answer him. Face tat dog. That shit looks good, man. Fucking Riley. Star Wars Lego set Death Star, but can he chug a sparkling water and not burp? Let's see. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

What do I do? You love this. It's so stupid. Oh, my gosh. What do I do? The garage door is perfectly placed for a head smack. That's pretty funny. I like it. It's pretty good. Can you do that, you think? Yeah, of course you can. You think you can chug a sparkling water and not burp? Okay, listen. Put it this way. I had a friend in high school. Uh-huh.

who could chug an entire DP and then rip the alphabet. Not burp is the challenge. Oh, to not. He says, can you chug one of these and not burp? Oh, I didn't catch that part. I was like, what would happen if you just chug one of these? No. No, dude. He's saying you can chug it. Can you chug it and not burp? That's such a stupid challenge. Of course. That's the dumbest thing this guy's done. It's fucking so stupid.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's your guy. - I sent that guy. - Yeah, it's your guy. Lately, you've been really sending me some bangers. - Oh my God. - You've been finding some good ones. - I've been sending Zolo just top tier. - Incredible stuff. - Yeah, my algorithm that I built brick by brick. - You're on team, see, it took you like four years? How long has it taken you to get on team crazy TikTok?

I mean, a lot of mine are IG. A lot of IG. Yeah. IG's really grown and really come around now. So violent. It's so violent. Will you send me some violent ones? Sure. But what are you watching these days? Like, what did you see today? Like, beheadings and stuff? On Instagram? People getting electrocuted. Will you send it to me? I want to see what it looks like. Tied to a car by their neck, getting dragged down the street. How do you see that on Instagram? Wow.

It knows. Wow, that's dark. It's very dark. I almost want you to make a dark Instagram account and just post them. Here's where the darkness lies. That's actually a good idea. Maybe I should start Tom's secret IG account and I'll just re-upload the most horrific things that Instagram allows me to see. Yeah, it's a great idea. That is a really good idea. It's like what I've done with my stories over the years. I just curate the talks and put them in my stories. But I feel like

your profile will get pulled down pretty quick. Pretty quick, I think. What you're doing by people being pulled down. Then there are these secret accounts. I don't send you these where it'll be like, it's like you find something and then it takes you down a rabbit hole and then you go to this account where the description's always the same. It's always about a GLC Mercedes because...

Yeah, yeah. That's what they do. So they do it so that there's no words in the description that are red flags. So that Instagram. So it's like, oh, here's all that info you wanted about this car. And then it'll be like someone getting shot in the head or yeah, like murder, execution, stuff like that. Somebody's limbs getting ripped off. Yeah. Those don't last though. No, you found the whole dark lane. That's the dark rim. Yeah. This fucking shit.

No safety rope, right? No, of course not. What did I do here? She just puts a peg in the rock. Right now you're panicking too. Fuck yeah. Feel the panic. I hate this so much. No safety. No partner. This is so crazy to me. Come on. Come on. You signed up for this bullshit. I just, I don't understand. If she falls... No. No. This is so awful.

That was so hard. Holy shit. That was so hard. I just think I gave myself more cancer watching that. Like, it just spread into my organs. The stress of that? That was horrible. That was really horrible.

I'm glad she made it, but that was fucking horrible. Yeah, but what did she make it to? A little teeny ledge, and now she's going to go to the next stupid ledge. Well, she's going to recover here. Yeah, she's going to recover here and just rest. I hate this so much. Muscles are shaking. Heart is racing. Solo brought up a good point, though. Who the fuck is filming her? Somebody who's like, I did it. No problem for me. They're just there chilling. Jerk. Yeah. When you're done, get over here. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

And you look down, it's a hundred foot drop. And you're like, come on. Come on now. Okay. We're chalk. What would you rather do though? This or the cave?

Oh, my God. The cave diving. Well, let me tell you something. I fucking hate this. Oh, yeah. I hate rock climbing. I hate mountain climbing. I hate it. I have zero. Don't interpret this as a disrespect. I don't think that you're not super athletic or talented to do this. I'm saying I have zero interest in this at all. None. That other shit, that cave diving shit, those are sick fucks.

Those are really, really twisted, demented people. And so reluctantly, I would have to take this bullshit that I hate over that.

Because here's the deal, man. I wonder, is there any athleticism involved in the cave diving? Do you know what I'm saying? Like this is a version of it. Yeah. It's mental illness combined with, first of all, you have to be built a certain way. Yeah. You have to be like a 145 pound man or smaller woman. And you have to be like, I don't care about fucking six inch crevices. I'll crawl into them. Yeah. You're a sick, sick individual.

It's crazy. Like to do this with no safety is really, I'm not sure what the, what's the utility and not having like a safety partner. I did it. I did it. I did it with no ropes. I just did it. I guess. Isn't that cool? The extra adrenaline or something, man. Like. Whatever. I don't get it. This is just not my thing. What? Is that Riley? That's Riley. She's like, thank you. Thank you.

What do you think of her? Wait, hold on. You don't find her... Hi, Riley. Good night. Sweet dreams. Have a great sleep. Love you. Bye. What? Fuck. What is she saying? Good night. Have sweet dreams. I love you. Bye. What about her? You don't find her attractive? I like the angle. Can I tell you what's good about her? Yeah. She doesn't have teeth. She'd probably give a wicked beach. That's true. You're not turned on? That did... Why don't you like her? I wasn't until you pointed that out. I don't know.

She definitely doesn't know that this is public. Some people you go, well, maybe that's just their choice to make their seemingly private message public. This person 100% was like, I'm sending somebody this video. Doesn't know that this is uploaded. Good night. Good night. Love you. Good night.

And right now, if somebody told her, you know, you post it. She's like, well, I don't want to use this fucking stupid shit. I didn't. Right. She gets mad at the person for humiliating me. You try and fucking embarrass me or some shit. Why'd you make me get on Tic-Tac-Toe? I think you're so smart. Yeah. I don't want to be on Tic-Tac-Toe. You think you're smarter than me? Yeah. Yeah. She's mad. Fucking asshole. Why don't you just pick up the phone? She's crazy. That's a crazy person.

Is that it? That's it, man. You took us through it. Took us through the talks. This was a great episode. Yeah. We covered a lot of fun things. Cool stuff. Olympic stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. And the next time you guys see me, my tits are going to be a lot smaller. Awesome. Yeah. True story. So get your last looks in. Get your last looks in. Everybody line up. Slap my tits. Why don't you do a cleavage post before you go in? You know? Just...

right here. I will. Last looks. I got some surgical photos. I could show you the pre-op photos. That'd be cool. And then you guys know what comment to leave under there. Maybe I should punish the pussy. I don't know why. I hate you. You're such a fucking... You're such a pickleballer. Alright. It was fun. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you next time. Bye.

We've been looking into fart mics, which has been a long time coming. A lot of people need them. Fart mics. Fart mics. Toot toot. Yeah. Toot toot. Yeah. Toot toot. I'm serious about the fart mics. Professional mics. Yeah. We've been looking into fart mics, which has been a long time coming. A lot of people need them. Fart mics. Fart mics. Fart mics. Toot toot. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's so upsetting. You did all that work.

No one's here to tell. Well, these chairs, like you've said before, they're not conducive to farting. Fart mic. You gotta... Wow. My tears come to my eyes. That was... It doesn't smell good. You really gotta be proud of yourself. Yeah. You caught that on fart mic. You gotta really lean over. You gotta practically lay in your shit hammock. True.