Every Comic's Favorite Comedian w/Dave Attell | Your Mom's House Ep. 754
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inappropriate jokes from the past. Yeah, they're so good. Like there's so many jokes that even in this special I can already tell it's a week away from being inappropriate. Oh, right, right, right. Especially that thing about Kate Middleton. That was really a mistake. Didn't see that coming. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Guten Tag. Welcome to your mom's house. Your jeans house. Your jeans house. I am excited to be here. Real quick, there are limited tickets left.

For upcoming shows, April 12th in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena, April 13th in Charlotte, North Cackalacka at Spectrum Center, and April 14th in Raleigh, North Carolina at PNC Arena. Of course, I've also announced a bunch of new shows. I'm going to be in Denver, Colorado, September 14th at Ball Arena, September 28th in Toronto,

Ontario, Canada, Scotiabank Center, November 9th in Phoenix, Arizona at Footprint Center, plus a bunch of other shows. People have asked me about Cities...

that I have not yet announced and they're like what are you just skipping fucking Minneapolis tits and Chicago and Milwaukee um Boston etc uh and Jude Ork titties no uh those are all going to be announced in the upcoming the next announcement you're gonna do them all yeah so that's that um

Go ahead. Well, I just want to thank everybody that came out in Judor Kitties to see me and Ridgefield come net a cunt. Yeah. Killer shows. I also have a toilet, a hotel toilet update for you. Great. But first I'd like to plug, I added a show in Los Angeles at the Masonic Lodge, May 8th. Little tickets left for that. And then Hor... Oh, I forgot your sound effects. Thank you. Orlando, Florida. I'm doing The Funny Bone in August. Cool. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets. And you're there. Your show's May 8th in LA? Yeah. May 9th, I'm in LA. The day after. Oh, okay then. That's May 9th. That is... That's gonna be... Wait, what does that even say? What did that say? That one time I went pipe. That one time I went pipe. That one time I went pipe.

And May 7th. So May 7th, check it out. This is your whole LA week. May 7th is the 5K. That's right. Two Bears 5K. And that's twobears5k.com. May 8th, Kristienza has a show. May 9th, I have a show. All that's taking place in LA. That's amazing. Yeah. That's amazing. What is amazing? Amazing. Yeah.

Be relaxed. Be relaxed. Are you ready to start the show? I'm fucking so pumped, dude. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Hi, player. You've been played. Enjoy your coffee. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. She's got stories.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. My eyes are all fucking dumb. Where's your dad eyes? Where's your dad eyes? I left them. Actually... What? What?

Can Reed hear me? Should be able to. If he's out there, if you have my dad eyes, my new glasses, will you bring them in? Thank you. I have some new dad eyes here. New ones? I think so. Yeah, I think they're ready. Wow. It's very exciting. Everything's going to be so much crisper and clearer. You're going to like the way you look. I can see whatever now. Whatever. Instead of feeling around. Oh, wow. Thanks, bro.

Okay, cool. This is a YMH exclusive. Your new dad eyes have arrived. Dad eyes are here. Holy shit, dude. Let's see them. Let's see what I have. Tell me how you like these bad boys. Wow. Oh my God. Everything is so crisp and clean. Is it better, really? It's so sharp. You feel better? Yeah. Dude, we look so cool together. You like these? We're the coolest couple ever. You want to see another pair? Yeah.

These are like a matte finish, it looks like here. Let's see. Maybe you can vote on what you prefer. Ooh, I like the matte. What do you guys think? I like the matte finish a little bit. Matte finish. It's a little different. I got a very sincere nod from Tanner. He was just like, yeah. Well, yeah, but Annie is the fashion guy. That's right. You have to go with Annie. Any fashions? Let me see the other ones again. Okay. Hold on. Just so you're locked in. Hold on. Yeah, okay. I see it. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The mat. The mat. Yeah. The mat. Right. Very exciting. Hold on. We're not done yet. No, we're not even close. Hold on. Dang, bro. You went green. Are these green? They're like great. Yeah, they're green. Give me don't. Nope. Okay. That's for home. No, I'm saying don't give me the, is this green shit? Oh, that's right. Oh yeah. Colorblind is cap. This is cap. Sorry. He really can't.

His eyes are retarded. Oh, these are old faithfuls that I just had the lenses re-done. I do that too. Can I tell you something though? I always regret when I do that. You do? Yeah, because it's fun. You should get new styles. New styles. What do you think, Annie? They're good? No, those look like fartmasy readers. They're not. They look like you got those at the Randalls. Oh my God.

That sucks. Wait, let me see the green ones, though. I was just, I was playing about the... No, the green ones are no point. No, they're bad? No. Let me look at them. They look like you work in, like, accounts payable. I don't think they're... I like better... Oh, these are rad, though. These are my most stylish pair, I think. This is... They all look identical, though. Are they? Every one that you're like, I love these. They look identical? It's the same thing. Yeah, they're three of the same pair, except you got crumb. Seriously? They do look exactly the same. Yeah.

Like one of them is Matt. Yeah. That's dope though. I like it. I like this look. I should have listened to the lady. I should have listened to her. She goes, wow, you like black glasses. I was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You chose three of the same. Okay. All right. The green is terrible. Just fucking relax a little bit. Don't wear that around me. Don't wear the green? I like the thick blackies. Yeah. I don't like the... The greenies are just too dorky. Let me see. Let me see. These? Too dorky?

Yeah, you just look... Those aren't too dorky. I feel like they're just kind of basic, bitch. You know what I mean? Really? Those are cool. You just look kind of boring. I don't know. I kind of fuck with it, like, with the right fit. Do you think these last two are... With the right fit, but he looks like he's wearing khakis. Oh, these are very... These are different, but these are like... Oh, wow. FBI investigator. Yeah, you look like Donald Draper. Is that the guy? It's very 1960s and 50s. Yeah, these are old school. These are retro. I like them.

I think they have to be like with a specific outfit. Yeah. Yeah. You know who used to do it? Sammy, his suits. Oh, Sam's Taylor. Yeah. Yeah. Like one of those. Yeah. Like one of those kind of smart looking suits. Okay. Well, hopefully you are in the FBI with those. Hopefully Joey Diaz approves of at least one of these. He hates your big rimmed ones. He doesn't like the ones I normally wear. Those look like you're denying the aliens exist. Fucking glasses.

Oh, these are different. These are different. How many fucking glasses did you get? Too many. Too many. How about these? These have a different. Yeah, those are mine. You just fucking style suck me hard, dude. Okay. Whatever. Yeah, those are cool. Those are exactly like the other ones. They're not exact. They're completely different. That's the whole point.

What do you mean they're exactly, they're different? Okay. You can't see the difference? The sides are like tortoisey shell, but it's, they're pretty similar. They're similar, Dad. The fuck is wrong with you? Guys, am I crazy here? Yes. They are similar. They're similar, but, you know, a little more style. It's a little tortoisey shell on the side.

But baby, you just, you picked 10 of the same thing. No, I didn't. Okay. And by the way, I'm getting more. I'm not telling you not to. I'm getting more. I like when he gets defiant with me. Like, I need you at the end. I'll do what I want. Yeah, I know. No one's stopping you. I'll do what I fucking want and I'll wear these when I want. Anyway, I can see fine now. I feel great. You look great. Thank you. You look very handsome. Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you.

You look like a handsome woman. I am handsome. I'm getting old. My meat's rotting off the bone. Can I give you a toilet update? Yes. Okay. So I went to G-Dark Titties. I stayed there for two nights. It was lovely. The shopping was great. And I thought of everybody here in the studio because I was a little ashamed of how I would pee in the toilet and then not flush all night.

And then I would create a toilet mayhem thing. So I made a very conscious effort to flush all through the night. And I'm proud to report I did not clog any toilets this weekend in Judor Tiddies.

Thank you. I'm proud of myself. That's awesome. I'm proud of myself. That's great. And I also have a Toto washlet update in our home. It's finally been repaired. That's very huge. Huge. Yeah. You don't know what you got until it's gone. And I feel like we suffered for a long time. I was willing to give up one of the kids or something like that, you know?

So that, yeah. No, that was fucking disastrous. Anyway, I'm stoked to be shitting again and getting my asshole cleaned. Yeah, it's a game changer. It really is. I stayed in a hotel recently where I was like, you know, every time you check in, you're like, fuck, you got to take your first dump in your hotel. And they had a total washlet in the hotel. Wow. That's God's work. I feel like it's slowly becoming the standard, just slowly.

Reporting live from under my blanket, I'm Susan Curtis with Dunkin' at Home. Breaking news, pumpkin spice iced and hot coffees are back. I'll pass it to Mr. Curtis with his blanket for the full story. That is so right, Susan. You know, it's never too early to get in a spicy mood. I'm talking cinnamony goodness that's so tasty, people don't want to leave their blankets either. Back to you. No, back to you. All you. The home with Dunkin' Pumpkin Spice is where you want to be.

Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

I don't know why Americans are so opposed to it. I just can't understand this. Japan, it's everywhere. 7-Eleven has them. Seriously. Wow. 7-Eleven has them. Yeah, the West is just weird about their assholes being clean. They think it's gay or something. I don't know what it is.

But it is, you feel so much better about yourself. I know. I was texting with somebody and they're like, yeah, my husband doesn't want to try it. He thinks it's gay. It feels gay. It's gay? To have water squirting in your b-hole. But it cleans your b-hole up. No, I know. Yeah.

Bert likes it, right? I don't know anybody who said they don't enjoy it. I also had more toilet thoughts. Tell me. So I was traveling and you know how in the airports they don't have a normal sink sometimes where you have to push the thing down and then the sink down and then the water comes out of the spout for a few seconds. Well, I, I was washing my hand, hand,

Cause I, I started to just wash. I've always actually, let's be honest. Like when I'm traveling, I'll wash one hand after using the toilet. And then I thought, is that okay? Is it okay to wash one hand? I'm a big single hand user washer for urinating, not for number two. But why you don't wipe your ass with both hands? You owe it to the other hand after you dump.

But when I pee, I do a lot of single. And it bothers Sean. He's seen me do it. He's like, what are you doing? I've seen you do it. I'm cleaning the hand that I used. Yeah. But do you soap it or you just wash it? I'll soap it. I mean, I've had, look, I've had pees where I don't wash my hands. I've had pees where I wet my hands. And then, but I technically or...

Typically, I try to just get a little soap on this hand. I go like this. That's what I do. And then I'm like, I'm done. Yeah, that's what I do. But for dumps, I always do the two hands. See, I'm not sure I'm convinced you have to do double hand wash for dumps. I just think you owe it to yourself. I don't think I do. I feel like, I mean, unless the shit particles in the air are getting on my other hand. Yeah.

So I did a one-handed wash after a dump at the airport. F-A-R-T. What do you guys think? Do you think a one-handed wash is okay for dumps? One-handed? No way. No.

Are you just, are you grabbing the toilet paper with one hand and you're not using the other one to assist you at all? Well, okay, but what you're talking about, Yana, it's a clean roll and there's not shit on the roll that I am taking down. Just say you're nasty, you know what I mean? Say I'm nasty. You guys know I'm nasty. No one's fucking denying it. But you're touching the toilet probably to flush the handle of the stall. Like there's all this stuff you're coming in contact with. No.

And also, what do you mean it's a clean roll? It's a clean roll maybe when you use it the first time, but what about when you wipe the second time? Now your shithand touched the roll, and now you're touching your non-shithand. Now they're both shithands. See, Eni, you're the only one that can really get to me. You're the only guy that makes sense. Because Eni and I are just as fucked up on most things.

Do you think this guy washed his hands? I'd like you to meet 60-year-old kilt-wearing Houston man Mitchell C. Vest. Now, Mitchell is a monster of a man, both in size and action, as you'll soon find out. Mr. Vest was caught on camera on February 8th shoving items from an antique store up his butt

and then returning them with a little extra stink on them back to the shelves. After the video was released and reported on on social media by folks like Grizzly Hood News, multiple reports came in from people that saw Vest shoving objects up his free ball and bare ass at multiple vendors in Harris County. One of the items was a makeup brush. Oh.

The vendors at the shops said they had to throw away the items because they had noticeable fecal matter on them. No word on a vest who looks to be about twice the size of every cop that arrested him. There's also an antique vendor trying to taint his rivals or just a guy who gets his jollies knowing people touch his poop. But he was taken into custody on one count of criminal mischief, which is basically a nothing offense. So he'll be out and browning trinkets in no time.

Do you think it makes his dick hard to do this? Is this a fetish? It fills him with joy. I don't know if he gets hard, but I think he definitely enjoys it. There's a thrill for him to do that, yeah. I get it. Don't you get it? I kind of get this one. I get it. I get it. It's your secret. It's your little secret. That was up in my ass earlier. I mean, I wouldn't do it, but I get this one. But it's also the...

The payoff is imagined for him. You never see the payoff. That's the problem. You know? That's the problem is that you don't get to see someone. He's just like, somebody goes, oh, where can I find antiques? He's like, you should go to this store on Randall Ave. It's got some good stuff. Well, that's the thing is how does he get the payoff? Maybe if he worked in a restaurant. Maybe it's just his imagination. Yeah. That's the thrill. He just knows. And then he walks out and he's like, it's a bunch of stuff that was up my ass in there.

And someone's going to touch it, you know. With fecal matter. That means he walked in with a loaded bee. Or maybe he was just post-dumping. And then he doesn't wipe and he just wipes with antiques. Or he just doesn't wipe well, yeah. I think antiques are nasty to begin with. Like they're probably covered. They're old and stinky to begin with. Yeah, you want someone's fucking blood. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine picking up? And you're like, what is this? Is this shit? How does this smell? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

He's huge too. He is enormous. But at least he wears a kilt. That's smart. That is smart for putting stuff up your ass. Yeah. That's a really good idea. That's fucking crazy. Speaking of things that go in holes, they keep coming in. Airtight stories keep coming in. The best.

Are you ready? I'm so ready. Yeah. For those of you that don't know, we discussed people who go airtight, plug up all their holes, how rarely it must happen. And ever since we talked about it, you guys have been sharing your stories. Nonstop. So I want to thank you for sharing them. And if you want to send one in, it's yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address, yourmomspodcast.com.

at gmail.com, subject line, airtight. Here we go. Hi, Hiller. I wanted to share with you my airtight story. Years ago, I had a large friend group where we would all casually sleep around together and it wasn't a big deal. One time at a party at my parents' house, me and a guy friend I had previously hooked up with were making out and messing around in the garage.

Another friend who I had a huge crush on wanted to join in, so I allowed it. My parents owned a 67 convertible Mustang, and I decided we had to do it either on or in the car. One guy was sitting in the front seat, and I leaned over the front seat and was blowing him while my other friend was hitting it from behind in the back seat. The airtight aspect was an unplanned surprise because the dude from behind also stuck his thumb in my ass. When I tell you I have never come harder in my life...

I think about that experience at least three times a week. I'm a 26-year-old woman now, and I'm still chasing that dragon to this day, if you know what I mean. And yes, my parents still own the Stang, and I always get the tingles when I drive it. Keep them high and tight, Mommy. Shelby.

I don't know what's worse, the antique store getting shit on it or your Mustang getting cum all over it. I know. Your 67 collectible? Yeah. The disrespect. It does a thumb count as going your type. Well, that's a really interesting technical point. I mean, I suppose, you know, it's plugging the hole. We prefer it to be a different appendage. We do. We're purists over here at your mom's house. Yeah. I prefer you to have to deal with three dongs.

All right, here's another one, you ready? This one sounds, I haven't even read it, but it looks like it's gonna be crazy. This one time in Cancun, when I turned 25, at the tail end of our stay at the resort we were at, the Australian men's rugby team pulled up for their holiday. And that night I had the delight of being passed around between six of these golden bodied Adonises. There were moments when there were two with a third in my hand, there was shower time and chair and bed adventures.

And the best part was how courteous they were. One then walked in and surveyed the scene and asked his fellows, how's she doing? Is she okay? Oh, I'm talking about the consent and consideration. And it was just phenomenal. I smoked half a pack of Marlboro lights and sipped a fresh margarita when I got back to my room. And it was quite possibly the best birthday present I've ever had. Wow. Please keep my name anonymous. Um,

She's from Australia. If you hear this, please delete that photo from your phone, even though you said you come so... I don't know what the fuck this means. What does that mean? I think she's putting a little message out to one of the guys that fucked her. Oh. Like, yeah, that photo you have, can you get rid of that? Oh, I got you. So she's saying there were... It's a team. She said six of them.

That's a lot, dude. Yeah, there's a lot. That's so much. That's a busy. But again, I didn't hear about all three at once. This is a good point. That's a really good point. I think she just took turns. It sounds. With six guys. Yeah, there's not enough suffering involved. That just sounds like a good time. Yeah. I like to hear the athleticism. You come. Yeah. Yeah.

Six guys, though, in a night. Six Australian rugby players. They're in such good shape. Yeah, in great shape. Yeah, they're beautiful. And they're tough guys. I love it. I think she probably had a good time, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I always hate when he does that. But I like the heart. I like the two in you, three in you. It's the feat of it that I always really want to know about, being able to take all of it at the same time. The athleticism involved. Yeah, that's a whole different thing. I think having just being passed around doesn't count. Passed around doesn't count. I don't know that she went airtight. She did say she had two in her at a point and then one in her hand. Again, the hands are just bonus. The hand's easy. Yeah.

Not airtight. I want one in the pink, one in the stink, one in the mouth. That's airtight. That's airtight. Those are the standards of this show, goddammit. And don't you write in again with something that's not airtight if you're telling us you want airtight. Let me see all that dumb. Yeah, we don't want to hear about fucking DPs and handies. That's not airtight. I don't want to hear you being passed around. Yeah, that's too much fun. That's too easy. Yeah, anyone can do that. Anybody, yeah. Speaking of your birdies coming up. Any whore could actually pull that off.

Six guys. Jesus Christ. You fucking animal. We're going to act like you have any dignity left. You got passed around by a fucking sports team. It's a lot. Yeah.

Okay. It's a lot. It is a lot. Fucking slut. Yeah. Yeah. Well, cause I think in my mind I'd be like, that sounds cool. But then I don't know if I could, Hey, I don't know. She had the best time ever. I guess I shouldn't. Yeah. She liked it, babe. You're, you're thinking like you, she's, I mean, you need to think like her. Yeah. She's all part of myself. She's looking back on it. Like what a great birthday. She smoked half a pack of her Marlboro lights reminiscing about it.

All right, cut some of that out.

The only thing I think about, honestly, is my germaphobe stuff. Like, did she let them all come inside of her? No, I'm sure she was like, don't come. No, I mean, you think they use condoms? Am I that uptight that I think these people should use rubbers? They probably didn't, right? Probably a good idea. Especially in Mexico. If you're sharing, if you're sharing with your... What, you think that she's going to get diarrhea if she doesn't use a condom? Yeah, that's it. If you're sharing with a group of people, I think that...

the standard would be to use it, right? I mean... I guess, yeah, because... Yeah, because... Yeah. Give each other diseases and stuff. I just think of all the... I think of six different cum loads in you. I just think there's too much different cums, right? It's a lot of different cums. Yeah. That's all I'm thinking about. It's a good thought. It's very relevant. I think you're making a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah. And strangers' cums. Yeah. Yeah.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

This is pretty funny. You know, we had the shaman in here. Of course. How can I forget him? You guys know who we're talking about, right? The double soul shaman that came in here. This guy. So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years. Drinking his piss. I just got the chills again. Everything that's bad for us, like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells. So he came in here. It was pretty hilarious. Yeah.

What does he have here? This is a, uh, Oh, I guess this is a new video here. He has out. I haven't seen it. So I've eaten a fair amount of pussy in my lifetime and it's unfortunate because a lot of the pussy out there, I don't know if it's like the girls are drinking too much kombucha, but they're pussies. I don't know. It could be that they're going through a significant biological special program of nature where

where the bacteria are either rebuilding or breaking down tissue in their pussies after they experienced an unexpected conflict shock. You know, there's a lot of sexual conflict shocks that happen in our society because, and so anyway, I have eaten pussy where it's been like, whoa, that tastes like if I wanted cheese, I would go to Whole Foods. Oh my God. Okay. But the bleeps don't cover the word pussy. They don't cover it at all. Um,

So we found, we got the security footage of when he came here. But spoiler alert, you don't like pussy. That's why you don't. Yeah, yeah. You know, you have to like cheese to eat it. Right. Right. Yeah, that's part of it. You gotta be into. He's like, what's going on with all these pussies? Yuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel the same way. He's not, he's not into eating puss, you know. It doesn't seem like it. I don't think it's the kombucha they're eating. I think it's the pussy. Yeah. It's just not for you.

Good point. Very good observation. Thank you. So we pulled the security footage from when he came here because it's just ridiculous. So this is, if you're listening, you're going to have to go to YouTube for, but you can see that this is him arriving right away. He's very huggy, very affectionate. He gives this meaningful hug. Look at back rub. Yeah. Who got the rub? That's the cougar. Is that cougar? Yeah. Next guy shakes hands, by the way. Next guy's like, hi. Yeah.

That's his assistant. Then in the lobby here. He's wearing his clothes now. He's taking his clothes off. He's taking his clothes off in the lobby. Just sitting on the lobby couch. Like everyone's like doing work. And this is a community area, right? Yeah. You would think you would do this maybe in the bathroom or something. You might want to say, is there a dressing room? Yeah, somewhere I can go. Look at him fucking dropping his pants. Just typing. Yeah. Yeah.

What are you, out of your mind? Everybody's trying to pretend like it's normal. Is that Tanner just sitting there like, uh, did he say anything while he was taking his pants off? Um, no. He was just like talking, making chit chat and then taking his clothes off. Yeah, it was really nonchalant. Well, you know he has no qualms about. No. It just happened. Like I looked up and his pants were coming down. So I just.

Okay, bro. Yeah, that's how it happened. Because we told him beforehand, like, hey, man, sorry, you can't do it naked. Because he wanted to be naked. He wanted to be completely naked. So, like, he was like, oh, okay, I totally get it. Then Niana sends me a message while we're in here doing the first segment. She's like, hey, he's taking his clothes off in the lobby right now, by the way. Well, I shot down the naked thing. It's amazing. Because I was like, yeah, this is a workplace, too. Right, there's people here that don't want to see him. Yeah, we got interns out there. Yeah, interns, come on, man. Young kiddos.

This is, I'm walking up and then I see, is that you Zolo? You're heading out. Yeah. And he hugged and he hugged me. I get a nice back rub. Yeah. Now I walk in and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so starstruck. Yeah. You go, you're open arms. And I love him. I love him. He's my guy. And he gives you a kiss. He gives me a kiss. Yeah. A couple of gals catching up. Yep. And then, oh yeah, here is a...

On this screen of the top, well, you can see a couple of them. I'm trying to get Adam to get a hug and he's resisting. Watch this, Adam pushes. And he shoves me. He shoves me. He's like, nope, because he knows I'm trying to get him. The shove. Yeah. And he's like, get out of here. I know what you're doing. Yeah. You're rallying to get everybody to give him a hug. I was trying to get everybody hugged. Yeah.

That's cool. Or he's stretching. He's stretching. He's like in Downward Dog right here. Yeah, that's a good one. And then look at Eni. Eni walks in and he's like, nope, just hard beeline. No pausing in his life. Did you see him in your periphery? He fucking scared me. I looked straight at him. I was like, what the fuck? Okay, nope, we're going this way. Straight forward. Cougar's taking pictures. Very deliberate walk. Good job.

And then this is the, I think this is the, oh yeah, I go into this office and I think I, oh yeah, he walks by. And I think I'm able to get Reed to get a hug here. I think that's what I do, right? Reed. Yeah. Get a hug, Reed. Reed's in the conference room. Yeah. And I'm like, oh yeah, come here, come here, come here, man. Have you met, have you met him?

You see him, he's like, okay, all right. He gives very meaningful hugs. And it's also, he's in his underwear. It's a strange way. You don't usually hug people, you know? His body was very warm. I remember being like, oh, he's radiating heat. He's very healthy. Testosterone's high. Yeah. He did some ball cupping and he was. It's very sad that Annie didn't get his hug. I know. No. Yeah, me neither. Oh, shame. Chad didn't get a hug? God damn. Next time. Next time.

That will happen next time. Most definitely. Yeah. No one's going anywhere without that happening. He was so sweet. He was a nice guy. I really like him. I really like him.

By the way, it's funny that he complimented the pearls. Remember that day? I had pearls from Niana. Yeah. That video, when you first see him walking up, and I go up to the desk, and then I walk away, that's me giving the pearls to Niana because I knew. I knew. I didn't even see him yet, and I just knew. I'm like, he's going to say some shit about these pearls, and I ain't trying to play this fucking game. I was just being stupid and putting these fucking pearls on because she was like, oh, they look so cute. I'm like, yeah, whatever. And then as soon as he came in, he's like, by the way, I like those pearls.

Oh, man. Oh, I fucking got you. Thanks, nigga. I appreciate it. He got in. He found his in with you. Fuck, dude. Dang. Who's that guy with the pearls? Who's that guy with the pearls? It's like this, there's this clip of 50 Cent. I don't know if you've seen this one where he's like, did he want to take me shopping? You see that? See?

He's like, shopping? What are you fucking taking me shopping for? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Take me shopping. Did he told 50, like, let me take you shopping? Yeah. I was like, the fuck? Yeah. Like, you don't take me shopping. Yeah. Like a girl. Like, I'll buy you stuff and then you do stuff for me. Like, what, dude? Yeah. Yeah, it was real fucking weird. Yeah, he's in a bit of a pickle. Yeah, he's being a bit of a rascal, huh? Dude, 50 is the most ruthless person

That's so rad. Instagrammer of all time. Yeah. It's wild. He posts like, uh-oh, this shit's bad. Let's take a look. Can we look? He's the best. As long as you're not in an argument with him, he is awesome. He's been all over the... So he's suing his distributor for his liquor. So he's one of the few people that would basically...

have a distributor like that and then be openly suing and post about it. It's one thing to sue somebody, but

He posts about it. You stupid ass nigga. I told you, stop fucking with R. Kelly. I said, grab them in the pussy. Don't kidnap the pussy. They raided your shit, I see. I got a courtesy call when they raided my house. You really fucked up, my nigga. Can I get a copy of the Meek Mill sex tape? Please, nigga. Puffy, puffy, puffy. You stupid ass nigga. I told you, stop. Okay, you can back out of that.

That's so funny. Puffy. Goddamn, dude. That is fucking savage. He just posted this home. Yeah, why'd he post that? He's posting Jay-Z now. What is the Jay-Z shit? Oh, no. Don't tell me. Anybody seen Jay? Puff said, ain't answering his phone. LOL. Okay. Jesus Christ, dude. What's up? Okay.

He just posted that one. Yeah, the one with the white suit. With the white suit. He just posted that right now. What's Jay-Z doing? Last report I've seen waving at Puffy Jet. Jesus Christ, dude. He does this all the time. He always is instigating. It's really, really funny. That's amazing. That's really funny. Yeah. If you scroll further down, so that was the Dr. Dre Walk of Fame stuff, but he was trolling Puff for the last...

three months about all this shit like he just every bit of news that would come out he would post about it he's just fucking ruthless he knew he yeah he knew yeah yeah because that he has like everybody has their cycle of posts so he has like the behind the scenes fashionable stuff and then he gets on a cycle where like he'll post about floyd puffy

Um, then he'll, his business stuff, his TV shows. This was like a phase here, you know, like, but then it'll be like right back to like, it's talking shit about somebody. Yeah. Cause he knew he's very direct with it. Puff was being a creep, right? I mean, it seems like it's pretty unanimous. It was pretty well known. Yeah. Yeah. And the musicians all knew. That's kind of how we comedians know who's a creep. Yeah. When people just know, they just talk about it. You're like, we all knew that.

Oh, you guys just finding out. And they usually do this thing where they befriend somebody outside of the circle. Cause like, I just saw somebody who has befriended a comedian we know who, and the new guy, it's good. We can, we can close this. Thanks man. Um, is the new guy is like not a comedian. And then you go, Oh, this guy doesn't know that this comedian is a real shit bag. Right. Right.

If you don't know, you don't know. They get you. A quick reminder. Sneak in. Josh Potter's show, Behind the Genes, every Wednesday at 5 p.m. Central for channel members. Thursday it goes for everyone. So if you're a channel member, you can interact with him, right? You can go live. You can chat with him. You Be Trippin' every Monday on the You Be Trippin' pod. That's Ari's new travel podcast we're producing, but it's on his podcast channel.

And that's, yeah, that's fucking rad. They're both been very well received. People seem to be excited about them. So congrats to Josh and Ari, Ari Schaefer. Ari Schaefer. Why don't we take a quick break? Yep. And we'll be right back. All right. We're very excited to be back. The new special Hot Crust Buns is streaming now on Netflix. It's Dave Attell, everybody. Thank you for having me.

I've been waiting on this. The great one. I've been here all week, actually across the street at the public storage. Well, I appreciate you waiting outside for so long. It's great to have you here, man. Thank you for coming in. And both to you and To Bears is where it started. Yeah. Well, this was actually our flagship show. Really? This show that you're on right now, we started in 2010. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. With Christina and I started doing it in an apartment in Burbank.

Really? Yeah, in 2010. So it's been almost 14 years we've been doing it. Well, I like how it's kind of half podcast, half art expo. You have a lot of different antiquities in here. Yeah, there are. This is all shit we've collected over the years, a bunch of nonsense, and then there's a bunch of cool guys in the framed paintings. Yeah, who are they? Oh, they're legends. They're legends of the show. Let me see if I can give you an idea. I'd love to hear. Yeah. Like, this is one of the most...

famous cool guys here let's see his um is this i'm trying to figure his first one you know what it's listed as is it rpc yeah because it says move in move with move in okay yeah here you go so this is like black guys would love the fucking fuck good

If you're a hot black guy and you want to fuck me at $23.95. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I need to be fucked a lot, man. Free food, free rent, and everything else, man. Here's the deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or you're a thug, you want to come move in. A friend can move in with you too, man. Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. I'm home now. You see me, you want to come over today and try it out? Try it out, man.

So stuff like that. And who is he? He's that guy. His name is Robert Paul Champagne. He lives in New York. You could visit him when you're home. I need a place to stay. Yeah.

But I think you really captured him in that oil. Yeah. I think you really did. 2395 Wagner Houses, Apartment 2C, 124th and 1st Avenue, Spanish Harlem. Ah, I love it. Yeah. I'll Uber over. It gets a whole, so we honor these guys who put out things like, you know. If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you, forget about Viagra, forget about salis, forget about dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not.

But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, it doesn't get harder the other way. I'm watching it get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable. Wow. Yeah. You know what I like about him? He whispered because he's in a group home. Yeah. He doesn't want to break the rules. That's right. I mean, he breaks the rules, but he won't break the rules. Yeah, right. Nice. I think you did a great job. Thank you.

So how about you, buddy? You're on the road. - I am on the road. I'm on tour now. I just announced some more dates. I'm excited. It's been super fun right now. I'm having a really good time. - You know, I always think I tour hard, but you really tour hard. I mean, this guy, overseas. - Yeah, we did a bunch of overseas. We started in Asia this year. - He doesn't like that. Dave, do you like that? You go overseas? - I can't leave the country 'cause of my mom. She has dementia and I'm always afraid to be like too far away to get there. You know, let's say she finds the gun key.

But

But I used to do overseas, but never like I... When I did comedy overseas, it wasn't cool yet. It wasn't like... I think now because of Netflix and like the international, you know, just the way things are going that people get it better. Do you think so? A thousand percent. Yeah, so they get it. Back then it was like silence and then at the end applauding like we were in like a ballet or something. So it was really kind of creepy. There were a few shows like that...

obviously in like English as a second language countries. Cause you're like, Oh, okay. Cause you'd, you'd hit all the beats of your bit. Yeah. And then at the end there's a round of applause and you're like, yeah, they're not like on top of it, you know, but that's usually a language thing. But you could like from, you live in New York, you could go to the UK and that wouldn't be too crazy. That's leaving the country. Yeah. But you're six, it's a five hour flight or whatever. Uh, I don't, what do you have a Concord? I, no, I don't think, I think it's a long, it's the whole thing is like, um,

you know, going through customs, all that kind of stuff and then getting back. But yeah, I, I, I mean, I just stress over it. Um, I would say that my tour domestic is enough for me right now. And, um, do you do Canada? Uh,

I have, of course. And I love Canada. I mean, like Vancouver, I think I did a theater show there a couple years ago. Probably one of the best theaters. I mean, like the crowd was just popping. They were so good. And, you know, they're smart. They're fun. They get the joke. And, you know, my actual fan base, they're really good joke people. Do you notice like the difference between a joke crowd and a

podcast crowd, like basically. - 100%. - There seems to be like a little bit of a disconnect. I mean, they're all fans, but the joke people really, they dig the jokes. - When we started doing this podcast and it started to get a following, we would do like a 200 seat room. And sometimes we would go, oh, we're gonna do a standup show.

And then we'll do like a podcast the next day, like a two night thing. And so, but it would be all podcast fans 'cause we were advertising to them. And when you do standup, they looked at you like, what are you doing? Because they felt the performance, which feels weird. It's like if you started to do standup at like a family dinner and people are like, what the fuck are you doing? They just wanted us to talk, right? So if you have like a huge podcast audience, standup feels weird.

Yeah. They like the, um, uh, just conversation. They like the connection that they have with you. They feel it's very personal. And I totally think that's, that's great. It's just when you're doing your act, it's sometimes there's like a disconnect of like, what is this now? Yeah. Yeah. No, but yeah. But with the, once the podcast audience sees your specials too, then they learn like, Oh, this is this kind of thing. She's going to do the thing like this. I hear you. Yeah. They're cool.

Well, you know what? Hey, we're in a good spot. We're in a good spot, man. And I'm excited. Like, where did you shoot Hot Crossed Bones? I shot it at the COBS in San Francisco, which is probably one of my favorites. You've been doing that? San Francisco, yeah. Like, San Francisco always has been a great comedy town. It's always been like, you know, a lot of fun. And I think

my audience really came to play that night. So if anything, they, they did better than they got, they gave more than they got, you know, like that's how I felt that like, you know, there were some technical problems. We did two shows for the shooting and you know, the director, just great guy, Scott Gowlick. I mean, this guy, like,

over and above like just putting the time into like the editing and I wanted it to be more than just the stand up but I also wanted it to be short but evidently you have to have it at 40 minutes in order for like it to rate with an algorithm so that's something we didn't know so I thought you had it at like 37 yeah I had it at 37 and I was like I think it's 7 minutes too long I want it shorter and then we

We heard just recently it's got to be at 40 if you really want people to be able to see it. And so I'm like, okay. And luckily Scott jumped in there and did emergency surgery on it. Wow, wow, wow. I didn't know that. May I ask why you chose to do a 30-minute special? I think that people's attention spans are kind of...

now and that TikTok has really had a big effect on not just young people, but old people. We're all distracted. And I do like, my jokes are really short. He knows, like, it's just...

I, I, you know, like getting a chunk of material, I'm like, oh man, that was cool. It's like three minutes. So it's really hard to like fill the hour to begin with for me. That's why I think my turnaround on specials is so low, but like 30 minutes seems to me like, yeah, I could sit through 30 minutes without like having to go look at my emails or, you know, make a phone call. But I feel like the hour now is like so difficult for people to the audience actually to like get through it, you know, has nothing to do with the content. It has to do with just

how our brains work. What do you think? It's a good point because to sit down and dedicate an hour of your time in your living room to watch a comic is difficult. You got kids running around or whatever the fuck. Most people don't want to watch, if you hand them their phone, they don't want to watch even a five minute clip. Five is a long time too. Yeah, they're like, give me like 30 seconds. That's a really good point that like, you know, everybody wants it immediately. You know, that's why this TikTok thing is in us. You know, it's just like, there's no going away from it. There's no like,

setting up stuff too that's like it's got to be you got to grab people immediately when you when you hand them when you send a clip well much respect your way because i am a big fan of not only you but your process and um the thing is uh i wanted to do story like i'm not a story guy yeah i think there's great storytellers like i think bird is one of the best he's great and another guy who doesn't get any attention would be my buddy arty lang who's

a great great storyteller fantastic he's a great uh uh on the mic he's great all the way through his stuff is so real you know how everybody's like i want the real yeah yeah well i've seen already and this was years ago in front of a today's woke crowd doing his real stories

about all his adventures. His gambling and craziness. Yeah, all these adventures. And they're looking at their mouths open. You could almost see them like, send in the sympathy dogs. They were shocked through their system. But I'm like, there's some great storytellers. I'm not a story guy. But I was like, oh, you know what? I'll joke a story, put jokes through a story, just to see what that's like. So you'll see some of that in this special of kind of telling a story with jokes. Yeah. You've always done that, though. Because I think back even like...

Skanks has a story, but it's just jokes. All right. The story's disguised within jokes. Well, I thought that was mostly just a nice way to say dick jokes. Well, you know.

I mean, I consider all that early stuff just like jokes. Like that's a good example of that era of comedy of like, you know, keep moving, keep moving. But you still are like that, right? Like you move. I like to. I like a jokes per minute, which I don't know what you people think of it. It seems like the younger generation doesn't really, they kind of look down on that. Like it's ham, you know, jokes per minute. Right.

I don't know. I mean, I think it's like if you're, I think anybody responds to shit that's really funny. Like you're really funny. So I mean, no, it's like, I mean, you have to know, you know, that like, I'm sure it makes you uncomfortable. It does. I'm looking at this guy looking at my future over here. Like, yeah, but everybody, dude, every you're everybody's fucking favorite. It's gotta be weird. I wonder if though, if the fact that you know that everybody,

like all the comics, whoever you talk about, they list you. Does, do you think that keeps some unspoken pressure on you? Like that, that I like to stay working hard and be good because so many people talk about you. Well, I, it does make me very uncomfortable, especially when you're with other people who I, of course, sure. I contemporaries, colleagues, whatever, whatever, whatever the appropriate thing is to say. But, um, I would say that, uh,

The pressure is always on the material for me because I have had many experiences, and I'm sure you have, of younger comics coming in in the back, standing in the back. And it's funny, at the old Punchline in San Francisco, they had this long bar, and you'd be performing, and then all of a sudden you'd see...

like, oh man, I'm not doing well in the back. Like you could see to the back and it's like all these new comics were watching you and kind of studying you and like seeing how to do what you do. And after a while, like, you know, it would creep you out, but then you realize it's like, well, that's how you learn how to do comedy. You have to watch somebody do it. And not that I was like the greatest, I was not like George Carlin or anything. It's just like, hey, I was the headliner and they were watching me do it. And, you know, sometimes I would reference them and talk to them and everything, but that's really the way to, uh,

I would say that that was one of the things that really made me always go like, every show should be different. You should always try and bring new material to the stage. And like, I do really, really try like something new every time, you know, whether it's just like, you know, holding the microphone different. No, I'm kidding. That's what it's like. Somebody put me on the spot. I'm like, yeah, but I'm holding it with my left hand tonight. You know, it's the same joke, but now it's English style. Do you, do you still do, I remember the, um, you had the, uh,

cassette tape with the rubber band. I love that. I wish I still had that. You don't have that stuff. I think I have it somewhere like in my storage unit. Are you still a pen to, are you pen to paper guy? Like do you, um, what I do is I, I listen to my tapes and then I like type them up. You do. I type up like the notes that I want to do. And then I carry it around in my travel bag all the time. And it's like funny on an airline when a guy pulls out, it looks like I'm pulling out like a, um, like court, you know, papers. Yeah. I'm like,

looking at it and everything like that. It helps me to listen to my own tapes. And have you ever listened to yourself? I record, I record every set and I listened to less than 2%. And that's the problem. It's like, hopefully AI can help us with that.

Yeah. Well, they'll listen for us and of course, pop out a better version of what we did. Yeah, of course. No, I was like, that to me was like always the humbling of like, oh, I thought that was good. No, it wasn't. Oh, I thought that was terrible. It was a little better than you thought. Yeah. But I hate when you have to go through the jokes you like are so sick of hearing to get to that one new little jam. Because you have a little thing. You know, you're looking for the... But you listen all the time. Yeah.

It really depends where I am with stuff. You know, right now I'm in a, I guess you could say a rebuild year. Yeah, sure. You got to start over. Yeah. What do you, I mean, I kind of am very impressed with this generation of comics. I'm like a two or three ahead of you guys, I guess, or at least one. Yeah. How you guys are able to turn material. I mean, it's pretty amazing. I think it's just that it became, it's less about us being so...

you know, proficient or pro prolific in it. And that it just became the standard with stuff being released. And then being like, yeah, you gotta, you gotta turn it over. You have to turn it over. It became the standard. Yeah. Right. So yeah, I was like, I didn't know that that would happen. And every time that it happens, like when something comes out, I always get like, Oh fuck, I got to start over.

And then you kind of go through a few months of that dread, but you're also working on it. And then as soon as you get excited about something, it's like, oh, this is fun again. You have to get excited. I mean, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard it in this podcast, but I think I've shot my load. I think this is it for me. Done. I'll take my place on the wall. Let's get a Natel painting up quick. Perfect.

Yeah, you're going to be... Because I haven't seen it yet because it came out today. Yeah, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Well, is the Milwaukee bit in this? Yeah, it's in there. That's actually on the trailer for Netflix. Oh, it is? I saw you do that. I saw that live. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, because you were at the mothership a few months ago. Yeah, that's right. And I saw that there. But I would say my problem is...

I don't know if it's a problem, but my thing with me is that the joke is never done. It's always being rewritten all the time. I have multiple versions of every joke. You know, like sometimes people try and corner you, like, I heard that joke. I'm like, no, you heard a version of that joke. Yeah, that's totally different. It's the setup. Setups I always find are hard. That's why I'm like, I'm jealous of you guys. You're all married with kids. I mean, that must be like a setup like bonanza. It is. It is. So I've heard this about you that you'll –

Have a great set. You'll be Dave Attell and then you'll fly home on the airplane and rewrite jokes. Is this true? Well, when I'm being good, yeah. Usually it's just sitting there rewriting my life like in front of an airport chain smoking like, oh man, I can't believe this is it. But I like to, that's a very good point of like,

you know, when it's fresh in your mind and you're like, man, I should have said it this way. And I will definitely do that if I can. Like if I'm being very productive on a flight, on a train, you know? Yeah. So, you know, it's, it's a weird thing. It's like the most important, unimportant job that we have. I mean, the world isn't going to stop.

But like for us, it's like all in, you know? So, and I think that does wear you out. Do you still get newspaper? Do you get the paper? Do I get newspaper? Don't you read like the paper? Yeah, I read papers. I read all the different papers. And I think topical jokes, you know, there's such a like, you know, who knew that like,

topical jokes would be like, you know, there's always like, you know, they're like little ticking, you know, like you never know how it's going to go. Yeah. And what's funny for like three days is not funny two weeks later. I know. Plenty of like that. Sure. You know, like so many things have happened since I started the special to now. And that's why I like there's some guys who are great, like Nate and stuff like that, you know, Nate Pregazzi and these guys where it's like, you know, this stuff is like timeless, you know, it's, it's like,

Perfect. There's a couple of guys like that are just like genius at that. Yes. Yeah. But the topical stuff is always very fun in the moment. Yeah. It's like you're giving the audience like sugar, you know, they're like, whoa, they're like tingling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little trick. Yeah. That is the,

It's a little trick. Well, what's your thoughts on props? Because my special is full of a boatload of them. I'm a huge fan. Huge fan. It really is. Magic. I said to my producer, I go, we have so many other things in it because I want it to be more than a special. So I was like, we have so many things else in it. You know, I'm playing the recorder and other things are happening. So I'm like, we've actually made the audience forget I did stand-up. It's great. It's like when you have to follow a ventriloquist, you know, something. Did you have on this tour...

This tour leading up to this special, any disaster shows? Any shit shows? I don't really think I do well any, anytime. I feel like every other show, especially in the showcase world when it's not my crowd, I'm like, I'm not relevant. It's a young crowd. They're a little bit more sensitive. Anything you try, like, fails. So I feel like I have, like, I usually, like, have, like, I'd say every other other is a bomb.

Really? In my world of like, sure, I'll get a couple of laughs, but nothing new came out of it. I started hating on the group, you know, like, oh, oh, I get it. That bothers you, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's really usually like the big towns, like New York, LA. Well, you're doing like showcase shows. Yeah, you know, and those used to be the shows. And I was talking to Ori Shafir, who I really respect, especially in the world of like,

you know him and i work at the cellar and i'll go up there and i'll you know like i'm usually i go on last so i'll be like having to do stuff to get laughs you know that i don't want to do but whereas he'll do it and like he's doing his new stuff regardless like he's out there to try stuff and i really think that's balls yeah and jim norton another guy who doesn't get enough attention as a comic he's another guy he goes up really working on his material and it's like i do that to some degree but i'll always default down to like okay i better get a laugh now yeah yeah so

I feel like it's a, you know, it's coward being a coward. No, come on. No, you're no, these people have paid. Yeah, exactly. That's true. That's another thing we forget is that, you know, these people actually came out to be entertained. My crowd, especially they're older. They like a night out is a big deal for them. And like, you look at them and they have to, they're like all like broken, you know, they're exhausted. And I like, I feel for him. It's like, I, I owe them a show. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think that's very professional.

Thank you. You know, it's so fucked up too, how like it's all the turn of phrase. It's all how the words come together and the efficiency of the words and finding the right combination. Right. Yeah. And that takes so fucking long sometimes. And then sometimes you get lucky. Right. And you just say it right the first or second time.

You know, that is so cool that you bring that up because I think everyone can agree that sometimes you hit gold and you're like, that works so well. And then you, the person gets in the way of whatever that magical moment was. And you've,

turn the phrase or you took a pause somewhere and now it doesn't work at all and you're like what happened you know it just like fell out of your hand yeah you know so you spend the next year thinking about it yeah you know like i went through my old like do you have like a thing of like old stuff that never worked but keep trying yes so i've got that thing it's it's almost like

it almost looks like, you know, like a remembrance wall of like ideas, you know, like things like that are no longer even around anymore. You know, just something like, you know, GameStop. Yeah. It's weird in there. You know, that kind of thing.

No, I, yeah, that whole thing of there's sometimes the magic of saying something the first time that you're like, holy, you look around the room, you're like, this is it. And it's just because how you said it the first time in that moment. And it's like, can't even be repeated. That's not necessarily like because it's a great joke. There's just something about how you say something the first time.

that sometimes can't be mimicked. Because you caught the wave. It's like the crowd was right and you were right and it's like that magical thing there. And that's the thing that I think that as a guy who doesn't drink or anything like that, that to me is like the opium of it. It's like that, whoa, dude, I would love that. If that happened every moment, that would be great. That would be great. Yeah, fuck. I know. I try to fucking...

I try to like, I have one bit too that I've been doing it. Like you're talking about, you've had it and every hour I pull it out and I adjust something, like I tweak it and it gets better. And then I don't have it on a special. So I'll bring it back.

and then I'll add something. So this is like the fourth iteration of this bit. - Oh, nice. - But it's better than it's ever been. You know what I mean? 'Cause I've done it, I've done it, and I've made it better. - Well, how about this? What do you guys think of this? Where it's like, people go, "Do you watch your stuff?" Like, I have a special out, so it's like, I'm not watching that. You know why? 'Cause I've already rewritten every one of those jokes in there. They're all different. There's parts of those jokes and new jokes, and I'm like, ah,

I can't put that one here now. So there's a lot of regrets and remorse in it. And to be honest, it's like,

you're capturing a moment whenever you do a special. You're capturing an actual moment of that person and the times and all that kind of stuff. And I think a lot of people think it's like music. It's not. It's not at all. It's almost like highlights from a prize fight or something like that. It's like that moment. So for me, it's very hard to watch myself anytime because of self-hatred. Horrible. Horrible. You guys. I mean, I've done a lot of podcasts this week. And I hate to say it, but it seems to me on every podcast the...

the host has to be a shaved head with working out. So some kind of, I didn't read that in the paper, but that's the new thing. But you look good. But I'm like, you know, honestly, it's great to talk to other people who get it. But, you know, other, you know, the people in the audience world, they're like, why wouldn't you want to watch and have a big party? I'm like, party? I'm hiding, you know? You could always, like when we were in green rooms, especially like,

A few years in, there would be like a newer, you could tell he was newer guy that comes in and he would talk about loving people.

watching himself and I'm like okay first of all this guy's a fucking psycho yeah and secondly he can't be good like nobody good is like I love to watch myself it's like it's one of the hardest things you know I think you start thinking about your mannerisms how how you move your voice yeah yeah the way you're standing you're like I'm leaning on that leg weird the whole thing is I can't watch myself well I've seen people actually show me a clip yeah and like you can't be

you know, mean. So they'll show you a clip and I'll be like, I'll be like, that's really good. But there actually were no laughs in it. There was applause. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was like, maybe like at the end, like a little like sound or something like that. Sure. And like, you know, who's who it's the real hardest on. I think we'll agree with this is like, I remember like when it kind of changed over in comedy and like the club owners who were the gatekeepers before the web, like you'd audition for a club and they go like, you suck. Yeah.

Or, hey, come back in six months or this kind of thing. All that is kind of over, all that rough talk. Yeah. You know, that kind of like, you know, headline. I wouldn't even let you park cars here. You know, that talk is over. Yeah. That would crush people. They would basically run out and like kill themselves. So now-

The club owners were the ones that really had to adjust their idea of what is considered funny in our world. They'd be like, you know, like I remember we'd be like, please. I talk, I know them all, you know, I've been on the road forever. So I'm like, well, you know, I'm like, you had a guy. So what'd you think? There was like,

good turnout like they would never say they're funny yeah it's like good good turnout i mean you know the guy was very uh respectful you know he needed a candle in the green room but other than that no problem like was the guy you know like uh you know i was out of the room a lot i really don't know dodging the question sure it's totally changed in that regard totally changed yeah

Yeah, we used to... God, the abuse. The other thing that they told me... Yeah, I was told one time in Boca Raton there was a guy who went up before me and he had half a grapefruit and then he had a hanger and then he would pretend to fuck the grapefruit with the hanger and then the grapefruit juice was all over the stage and I was...

I went up after him and I was sick. I had a fever, but I did my act. I ate shit. And the guy was, the club owner was telling me what a piece of shit I was after. And he was like, you suck. You're not funny. And I go, yeah, but that's what you think. The guy with the grapefruit is funny. He's like, that guy at least has an act. You don't have a fucking act. And I was like, well, he's right there. He actually does have a better act than me. He killed. Yeah. Well, honestly, just the whole, uh,

You guys know who you're going to perform with now, right? You guys always know. But I always remember like going into a town, like before you could bring people, you know, you're always like, for some reason, there was a local headliner. The big gun was not out of town that week that you're there and they've decided to middle for you. Yeah. And I'm like, cool. But they would spend the entire weekend gunning you off that stage with local references. Yeah.

with like, you know, whatever their secret codes of the thing, you know, I'm in Denver, you know, but that's what an omelet is. I'm like, what does that mean? Let me in on it. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, I get it. You want a headline. I understand that. Yeah. You know, no, they would try to, they would try to snipe you all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

it made you better, but it also made you just think about like, you know, in these little comedy scenes, you know, there always was the drama of it. I'm sure, you know, right. Like just like, you know, the, the good wrestler, bad wrestler kind of situation. But now, you know, I try and like get the locals on as much as I can, you know, give them a guest spot. Like, I think there's something about being in front of a big crowd, but then like, you know, I kind of learned my lesson too. It's like, you know, sometimes that can be a good thing. Sometimes it could be a bad thing of like, you know, really like,

you know, green people going on in front of a crowd. But my crowd's really forgiving. I mean, like, they really want to, like, give a shot. They love comedy. So I figured, like, that's... Because it's really, you know, the whole thing is about stage time. Nobody has a secret. You know, it's just about getting up there and, you know, chewing on it, basically. Mm-hmm. I learned now that, like, one of my friends, not, like, a big...

ticket seller but like you know can get weeks he said that like the clubs don't even offer they don't do like we used to do you know Thursday through Sunday or even Wednesday he's like they just offer you Friday Saturday now that's it oh because the headliner doesn't do like the Wednesday through Thursday through Sunday he's just saying that like the clubs are like

here's the offer, it's Friday, Saturday. - Oh wow. - We used to do, you know, five nights. And he's like, they don't even offer that. - Wow, so how do you get good? That's so tough. They don't nurture the younger comics. - And they book TikTok stars and YouTube stars. They're like, yeah, they filled it up. They filled it up. - Yeah, what do you guys think of, I'm all for this TikTok thing as long as it's like,

on the off nights or afternoons or something like that you know like but it seems like they kind of drifted into the weekend so you know there's a lot of great comics out there who aren't getting worse we all know that right so I'm always like not only are you up against this whole filling seats but you're also up against people who can immediately fill seats and they're taking up the good weekends you know that sucks you know but I would say that since we are in the I don't know where we are in the comedy boom where do you think we are

It's still in an upswing. It's still high. I think we're in the Titanic and there is something ahead of us. Yeah, there is. It's not here yet. It's still a party. It's still a party, but we all are distracted. Yeah, something's happening. But there's still shockability because that's really cool. It's so easy to shock right now, which is such a gift. Because I remember like in 2008, you really had to work. You could say everything back then. You think that was the cutoff then, 2008? Yeah.

I want to say around, yeah, around when Obama got elected, things started to get a little closed. Yeah. You're like, there goes all my N-word bits. Tell me about it. There was ramification to comedy. It started to get sensitive. I'm like, okay, this is weird. Yeah. Oh, no, that was the last time, right? That was fun? 2010, maybe? I just noticed that there was this, I mean, look, the culture changes every few years. I remember...

I would think close to then people would openly say like, Oh, on stage, you know? Yeah. Like that was just like it was, you know, people would laugh. And then, and the other thing that there used to be this crowd work thing that I feel like was very common that people

you could tell like how society changes where like if two guys were together, a comic on stage would be like, what is this, your boyfriend? Yeah. And everybody would laugh. And there just came a time where it just like, it just tipped over where you just, people just stopped with that reference, which like, you know, you could be like, yeah, it's very dated or whatever, but it's because they were just like, yeah, that, that,

That probably is. It became not a joke. You pretty much just described every guy I started with on Long Island, which was all that, hey, you're this. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then a lot of stereotypical, you know, and this guy does this, and these people do this, and why do they smell like that? You know, that kind of stuff. So that was like hardcore Long Island, you know, Jersey comedy. And the crowd loved it. The crowds loved it. They loved it. And every one of them, you would think like,

oh, well, what's wrong with these people? It was like they were regular people. They were having a night out. You're allowed to say these things. So they didn't see any kind of thing. And it was also like a fire forget kind of situation, like a weapon. It's like, what are you talking about? That was last night. There's another night ahead of you. That's what was comedy. Now it's like every show is in perpetuity. It's like they...

around the web, you know, it's like going around. It was like, that was just like something I said in the moment, you know, now there's like, I said, stakes to everything. So, but that's a good tell, like 2008, I guess. It was still fun back then. I, I, I also dread a lot of these. I feel like a lot of them are work now. Like, just like,

Okay, here we go. You guys are real. This really didn't come out for a party here, that's for sure. It is funny how you can just say something. I mean, I get it, especially popping up in the clubs, in the local sets.

where you can just say one thing and immediately you just feel the whole crowd go like, it's a, it just feels like a judgment, but it's like, it's weird. And then it feels like they went from like, we're here to have a good time to like, that's not what you say. Yep. Yeah, absolutely. And, uh, you know, I was going to ask you a question, big room, small room. Like now you said you just played an amphitheater and stuff like that. And, uh, you know, uh, much props for doing that. But, uh,

When you're there, like in the wind, in the whatever, in the outdoor world of comedy, do you go like, you know what? There's some things comedy can do, some things comedy can't do. And I think that the outdoor shows are the hardest. I do too. I think the thing that always makes a difference, like you can talk poorly or you can gloat and praise people

any place but it's like because of how great or bad a crowd was you know what I mean like you could shit on I mean I've had horrible sets outdoors horrible but it's amplified by the way I've seen a bad set outdoors yeah and it really does look like a guy it looks like a dictator trying to explain to his subjects why yes

That's true. Have you ever had a great outdoor show? Well, I just did. That's what I was saying. Okay, it's like once in 20 years? And we had two nights. That's terrible. So that's why I was like, there's something special about here. It was a St. Augustine amphitheater. And-

Here's like you come in. First of all, they have like just a very cool crew like staff there and a place where that makes a big difference. They catered lunch and dinner for everybody. They had like an outdoor area for people to hang ping pong tables. They had cool decor, like a fun atmosphere. That's very nice, friendly people then. And so we had our first show there and it was fantastic. And then we left.

And we do another show. And then we come back the next day to do the day after to do another show there. And it was unreal. You know, they did like an oyster, like they steamed oysters for us right there on the spot. So do you think it was the hospitality received? The hospitality plays a role in like, hey, I like it here. But the crowds at both shows, 5,000 seater.

uh at both shows were like so hot and part of that i think is that it's you know it's saint augustine so a lot of times like the the not you know like you know new york la they're they're like hey we get everything right so i think when you go to certain markets they're like more excitable that you're there even though even though it's not it's not like a tiny market i'm saying like they get but they're pumped you're there they're pumped they were pumped they

And so I think if you put that crowd anywhere, you're like, that's fucking awesome. - I know. - Well, here's what I like about the outdoor shows is that the weather is a part of the show. And that also the setup of an outdoor show, especially like on Bert's tour, this is really complicated. He gives them a great show. There's multimedia effects involved and all that stuff.

But like you're on a stage and you're trying to like blah, blah, blah, blah. You're walking around and it's like electrical cords and like high tension things all there. It's like, oh, I've been in a step on that. And you know, there'll be some guy like...

Don't go there. Don't go over there. Don't go over there. I'm just going to put my drink on this. Don't do that. Do not do that. That's a transponder. It's going to black out the town. Yeah. You know, then it's like, you're looking at, you know, I'll just look up, you know, cause there's really nothing to look at. You're like looking up, you know, there's like a,

You know, the grid, they always have that with the lights, they're swaying. It's like one of those is going to fall. Yeah. How could it not? Yeah. You might see a plane pulling a banner, you know. There's inherent danger. Yawn. Yeah, yeah. Just work the atmosphere for a minute. Look at that cloud coming in and out of this. But yeah, that's the outdoor shows, you know. Yeah. I've had one that shell shocked me. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You know, like where a bomb just like.

Like you leave and you're like, what the fuck? That's tough. And it's not an easy walk out to the car. You got to go through tunnels and all this kind of stuff. And there's a locker room somewhere. You know, that stuff. It's tough, man. Yeah. And you start thinking about it and then you go...

Then you go, it's the place. I should never go to that place again. The place. It's cursed. Yeah, for sure. Somebody hates me there. But I always try, like, you know, because we've all seen that Super Bowl halftime. Yeah. It's like, just be bigger, you know, like, just bring bigger energy, which is like, I don't know how to do it like you guys do with the big room, you know, like the big room thing. But like, it just makes you look like you're bombing, you know, like. Yeah, that's so true. Then I said, let's go for coffee. Yeah. It's like, that's not going to help. Yeah.

You think it is, but... You do have to, like, dial it up in a not...

artificial way in big i think you know what i mean like you if you're this guy like you stand like this you can still do that but you just have to be like you dial up how animated you are a little bit that's important you have to kind of go like because i've had people also with me where i'm like you're just you're too small right now you gotta you gotta project a little more yep right there's fucking 10 000 people you can't just

Now, I've done tours with guys back in the day who we were doing theaters, and back then that was like a big deal, where they really knew how to work a theater crowd, and they were really like, they loved it. You could tell they felt like, this is where I belong, and they own this space. And I was like, man, I'm so jealous. What's your ideal setup for comedy? What size crowd do you love? Well, I'd like a half full room on a Monday. I feel like my ego matches the crowd there.

No, I think like a 400, 300 seat comedy club is where it's at or a thousand plus seat theater, a small one. There's a lot of great small theaters out there. It's just like, you know, you travel and then you got to drive and then you get there and you realize, you know, you know, you didn't really make any money, but it was a great, beautiful theater. The shows in thousand, thousand seaters are sometimes the best shows. They are. Yeah. And it's also, I think, um, there's a couple of, uh, really, really well, it's all about the acoustics. And I think, uh,

Comedy Works Denver is like probably the best it's I put that at the top of the list the downtown club of like just like spoils you for what sound should sound like yeah you know part of it's those those low ceilings and yeah yeah and just that you know you get a full crowd in there and like you are hit with a wall of laughter it's like so good it's intoxicating you just did a a

Did you like a thousand seat theater? You just did one. I don't remember. Where? Which one? New York or Connecticut or something? Yeah, Connecticut. Connecticut has a lot of theaters. Yeah, so great. And I was like, oh no, this is going to be like a conservative town. They're going to be like,

these uptight people that live in the city, like the brokers, the buy, sell, buy, sell guys. And they were just the best. They were nuts. That's awesome. I like the little town theaters because of the shows coming up and it's always like Spira Gyra or like something very soothing, you know? It's like, it's like disconnect and revitalize with, and it's somebody you've never heard of. Dave, I love how self-loathing you are. It's so refreshing and like,

I think the greatest ones are. Really? Well, thank you. I would say that that's my Spidey power, if you will. Your self-hate? But yeah, I mean, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I'm a pretty lucky cat outside of that. How do you guys get through the night? I mean, honestly, it's...

- There's a lot of quiet. - We're so floating too. - Really? - Yeah. - Not after that oyster bar thing. - That oyster bar was the shit. - That was really like, I was like, they had an oyster bar in Florida? The flies, I'm saying the flies. - They also had the table.

So they had a table where the steamer was built into the table. Wow. Do you know what I mean? So like you steamed them in the table. That's fucking amazing. That's for the house. That's not for the crowd though, right? Yeah. That's just for us. It was just for the comics and like the crew. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It was awesome. Well, that's pretty sweet. Yeah. St. Augustine Amphitheater. You're the shit. Hey. Oh yeah. Look at it. Good show. Oh, elephants.

This is Safari? Yeah, this is Safari. Take your kids to Kenya? Yeah, and then the elephant kills everybody. Isn't that cool? That is pretty cool.

Holy shit, dude. I guess you can't go down that road. That's what he's telling me. Don't go down that road. Do not go down here. This is my fucking house. We need that on the border. I think that's what you can segue to. Let's get some elephants down there. That would be great. I know. Pass out. Some fucking huge elephants. No, let's stop it. What's happening here? Oh, that's terrible. That's a good one. What are they?

Why did that make me laugh? I never laugh at these. You don't. I never laugh at these. And you really laughed there. I think because I'm so afraid of ladders. Yeah. I never would do that. Oh! Like, she should know better in my mind. She's okay. Yeah, but know better. Wow. Don't get on a fucking ladder. That is, yeah. I'm afraid of ladders, too. Really? No, thanks. I was thinking, because you never know. You need a friend with a ladder, someone to hold it. Hold it. Nobody else. And I don't trust anyone. Do you ever get, like, fascinated with window washers in LA?

- Yeah, in New York, those guys are heroes. Nobody thinks about them until like one's dangling for his life. - 80 floors up. - They need their own day. - They do need their own day too. - Oh, this one's gross. - Oh.

The lack of awareness, too, is really what you get on this. Oh, that's terrible. The space is only this big. How does she eat it? And the guy's just there to hold her, like, step here. And she steps into the gap. How do you fail? Just step right there. Just go. And then you hear them go, she can't swim. Yeah. Well, she's dead. She didn't make it, right?

She's gotta be dead. She can't, how are they gonna rescue her? The boat is here. The dog is here. It's cement and a boat. What an awesome man, that straw hat. What happened? She's gone. We lost her. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

He's not okay. I can always watch these because I know that's never going to happen to me. I don't ski and I don't jump ski. Never going to ski. Dude, fuck skiing. He's so fucked up. He's so fucked up. That's terrible. What about this guy? He's going to make it. Nope. That's a whole bunch of limbs broken too. Shoulder, arm. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. He's all broken. He's totally a god, dude. He actually is dead, I think. Is he alive? I hope so.

- He broke every bone in his body. - And look at those outfits too. - They have to cut that, the EMTs, like, oh no. - There's more. - Oh, this is better. This is more of the, yeah. - That's what's up. - This guy, yeah. - Oh fuck.

The amount of rotations. Oh, that's rocks. Did he hit the rock? Oh, I think he did. I don't know why these are tickling me. Yeah, you're really laughing at this. I think because I know how stupid this is as a hobby. I think this is the stupidest thing you can do. People die skiing all the time. Is he skiing stupid? Don't do this. Why are you doing this? Never ski? It's cold. I've never skied in my life, and I'm perfectly fine never having skied. I will never do this, and I'll never do it. Here's one more. It's the last one. I think he's going to be fine, though.

This guy makes it out all right. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh! I'm blaming the slope. Is this the same slope? It's the same slope. Wow. Wow.

Oh, shit, dude. It's kind of nice that they're all unconscious, though, you know? I hope so. Each of them got knocked out. That is the nice part, as you say. I think so far of the people I feel sorry for is the woman on the ladder. I really, I think that was the one, like, she had to do that. You don't just go, hey, it's a nice day, let's climb up and down on a ladder, right? She had someone going on up there, maybe a cat, kicking a cat down.

Not like these guys over here, these playboys. These playboys. Back at the lodge, there's going to be a lot of talking.

Those are some sweet lips. You're right about the colors of the outfits. Why do they have to be so gay? Why can't they have cool- I thought they were flags of countries or something. Where's that? Why do you have to do pink and hot, you know, hot pink and blue? Can't they have like cool black? I would have all white so no one would see me so bad, like on the slope. So when you die like this, they don't even get you? I guess so they could find you in the avalanche. That's probably why. Yeah.

That's so weird, man. Fuck. And look at the guys coming to help him. That's like his pit crew. Yeah, that is his pit crew. Oh, man. What happened? You good? No. You realize, too, it's probably like, it could be like 15 broken bones. Oh, at least. His neck is broken. His arm. That's like internal bleeding. Dude, you launch yourself like 100 miles an hour off a fucking slope. Wow.

Why don't they just build the hospitals by the ski slopes? Wouldn't that be so much easier than having to helicopter them out? Did you ever see that clip of Bobby Kelly on that inner tube? Which one? Bobby Kelly. He's on an inner tube. He's on vacation with his kids. I love Bobby. He's great. And he goes flying off the tube and cracks his ribs. Oh, no. Yeah, and he has it on camera. And he said that he was like, I'm good. And he walked over. He didn't want his kid to see him getting like,

carted out, but he met the ambulance on the other side to go to the hospital. - There's nothing worse than the crack rib. There's really nothing they can do for it. - You can't do anything. - Can't do anything for it. - Do you like learning other languages? Did you ever do that? - You know what? I was talking to somebody recently, I go like, you know, no one's had more chances to learn another language than me. I mean, in high school, you know, they have like Spanish, French and all that kind of stuff. No, didn't.

Never took to it? Hebrew school. I'm Jewish. Yeah. Trying to teach me another language. No. Didn't think about it. Then in college, and I went to college in New York City, I could have learned Haitian. Yeah. Southern Somalia. Yeah. I mean, I could have learned a lot of other, but I wish I knew them. Yeah.

Now there's so many apps. Yeah. And like, yeah, you can learn like, I've been practicing, mostly been practicing Italian, but even like before I went to Japan for like a couple of months, I was doing little Japanese lessons and, you know, it helps you learn like Korean looks cool. This is a Korean lesson. You in Korean. You are the best. I like you. Yeah.

You, nigga. Korean. That seems more like a re-education camp, like where they like, you know, you will learn. You will learn, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. That's an app you can get? Yeah, I can send you these links. I'm sure my phone already knows about it. I'm sure it's already on my phone.

That's great. I think that would be a great language to learn too, Korean. Korean would be great. Mandarin will really set you up. I'm just saying for the K-pop experience. You finally understand what they're singing about. You want to try? No thanks, Tom Hanks. You try. I'm halfway there. You're halfway there. How hard can it be? That's not that bad. That's a tough gig. It sure is. Yeah. It's beautiful. Look how his skin is. What's another language? What do you guys have?

Well, so I have on my phone, I have, like I said, the Italian stuff. I have a little bit of French I've done. French is supposed to be easier for us, but... Is it? Yeah, there's a lot more shared English with French than any other language. Well, you know what they say is like overseas, and this is so true, is that they learn English by watching our TV shows. Yes. And, you know, I've tried to do it the other way where we watch...

their TV shows and I've just fallen asleep. Yeah. No, there's actually some great shows coming out of Korea for sure. Korea makes also arguably the best movies. Their movies are the shit. For sure. They have a great filmmaking world. Yeah.

there are problems over there, especially with credit and like all the stress of like school and stuff like that. It's pretty interesting to see another country like where they, you know. The cool thing about Korean movies too is, so when you make a movie in the States here, a lot of times you go, all right. And so then in the end, um,

He cries because she left him. And then the movie studio here will be like, well, that's not a cool ending. So make it so that she comes back and everybody feels good. And in Korea, they're just like, no, no, no. She leaves and then the guy kills himself. And then they're like, print. Then they make the movie. They make it like that. I think that was adorable how you put in our movies that the she and he, when it's a them and they during the pitch.

And then they says, you know what? Why break up a good thing? And then it says back.

So presumptuous, Tom. You want to show Dave something? Oh, man, yeah. I don't know. Are you familiar with TikTok? Are you on there? I'm not on there as much as I should be, I think. Do you have a page? I'm going to, yeah, to put my clips up. You got to put the clips up. Yeah. Especially there. And for a long time, I was like, that's not how I want people to see it. But now I realize that, like I said, the attention span. They're going to love it. But anyway, I like to curate clips from TikTok, but the outliers, I like to...

share the marginalized communities. I like that too. So it's not people dancing. It's Ramadan. That guy is great. He's cool. He is the...

He's the Lawrence of Arabia of bees. I'm sorry that's long, but I mean, first impressions, you know what? I'm going to give that guy a rose. I mean, the bees will love it.

From a dead sleep? That sucks so bad, dude. He doesn't know what happened. Oh, man. You know you've fallen out of bed. This is like your worst nightmare. It's so far off. This is why you don't sleep up there. This one is a great one. Thank you. I grew up in bunk beds. I can't tell you how many times that happened. Really? Yes. I was masturbating or something up there and my brother would kick it like, I can see what you're doing. And I'd come flying out. Did you fall on the hard floor like that?

No, we had I think all the carpet like this Turkmenistan Too successful in my career I made too much money I have too many amazing friends and family too many cute clothes I

That's cool. I like the hair on her tits.

You don't see that every night. Somehow this clip just brought me right back to Portland, Oregon in the early aughts. So that's great. At least, you know, I like the positive. Positive spin on it. Yeah, the positive spin. And she still has vocal fry, which is amazing. Yeah. With all the hormones you take. By the way, it's the number. These are just randoms.

It's never naturally occurring. It is wild to see. And she has gargantuate tits. Yeah, they're huge. I didn't want to make mention of it. So I'm trying to think. So girl first and then transition to male? Is that what we're saying? But the glass frame says it all. You know, I'm a reader. Things to remember about mirrors in public.

Put your finger up to it. And if there's a space, you're in a safe place. Fun facts of Brian. So this is a policeman and he posts these videos to help people like stay safe. So apparently that's not, you know, a fake mirror where like people can be behind it watching you pee and stuff, which I never understood anyway. Like who wants to watch people take shits? But some people do.

I love it. Yeah. I thought that was pretty interesting. I can see the eyes moving on the paintings here. You're not in the same space. So he gives like some, like when you go to a strange hotel or something like that. Correct. Nice. So if there's a space in the mirror. If there's a space in between your finger and the mirror, it's an actual mirror.

Whereas if you do it, it's like a false mirror, like a one-sided mirror, then there will be no space. - It would touch, there'd be no space. - So this is really good knowledge. Like where is he on the algorithm of these things? - That's the thing is you get everything on TikTok. - Okay, but I'm hoping this one is a little higher because it actually can help people than the ski falls.

Which guy do you like better? The positive guy? Yay, I like that. Yay, let's go. Hey, good to see you again. Or the negative guy? I don't like this. I don't like that. I don't like this. Is there a third option? Oh, that's great. I like the positive guy. Don't you better?

He's talking to his dog, right? I mean, that's the old people at the end. That's all you got is that dog. I like the positive guy better than the drooling maniac. But there is something about the elderly and technology. I've already said, hey, you know what? At that point, I'm not doing it. No. I mean, these are his ham radio years. Yeah, that's true. Hello, come in. Come in, Cuba.

You still have the flip phone? Yeah, I had it out. No. We're going to talk about it. Do you want me to call him? Yeah, give him a call. Ed, how are you feeling?

Don't climb any ladders. Flip phone Dave. You didn't know that? You're still on the flip. Can you text message people with that? Yeah, he does. You go A, B, C. He has to do like three pushes on the line. People are like, oh, it takes you so long. Oh, really? Why? You're going to send somebody a couple of hearts and an apple face? I mean, come on. It comes from the heart. How old is that phone? This one's about three or four years old. But I have once... See, the thing is that these are built for like...

They show you like this one. It's like you're a construction manager. Yeah. You're on the scene and you might drop it. Yeah. And like, you know, this is like all weather and all kinds of stuff. It's never for like, you know, you're afraid of technology. Yeah. And you're a sad man in a comfort inn somewhere. You know, this is perfect. The battery lasts a long time because it takes you a long time to text. Okay. That's my prop for it. I love it. Thank you.

The fuck? Just, well, just go. I'm sorry. This is stealing from Keaton and all the other great silent screen guys. This is like chaplain 2.0 here. I mean, honestly, dude, totally missed a gaping hole in the street. God damn. Wow. Did you know that the sun is super smart? It has like 10 million degrees.

Y'all take care. Bye. Nice. What do you think, Dave? This guy is built for happy hour. He is. He is. I mean, look at him. Do you think he works in a used car lot and he's just driving the cars around or something?

He is thrilled. He's a good guy. He is a good guy. And you're right, built for happy hour. He enjoys chilies, jalapeno poppers. Chilies, you hit it right there. Just simple pleasures. Yeah, like, wait, of course. I don't mind sitting in this lobby. Nachos? Can you imagine what this guy does with a fucking plate of nachos? I loved it. He's like, could you take it to the back, throw a little more cheese on there? And let's face it, this guy is built for Christmas. Look at those rosy cheeks. Rosy cheeks. So sweet.

Yeah, so these are sneakers, a sneaker tattoo. But here's my problem with it. The toes? You left the toesies out. Yeah. So what's the point of wearing the shoes? This is fucking so bad. Do you know how much you're going to regret this? No. As a woman, do you like a tatted dude or no? Do you like a tat man? I do like the way it looks. Oh.

Sorry, I left the kid in the car. Go ahead. Yeah, I like it. It signifies I'm a dangerous bad guy. I'm a little unstable emotionally on a guy. But I've dated a few before Tom and then I chose the guy with no tattoos to marry and have children with. So there you go. I think it's hot.

And on the lady, do you like a couple of tats? Yeah, I mean, kind of the same thing. I've gone out with a couple just scallywagons, kind of dangerous suicide girls, unpredictable fucking bad decisions. Sure. Different colored hair, tats. You love it.

But, you know, the tatting. But then I, you know, I married one with just one tramp stamp. Yeah. Well, that's cool. I think that stays full, by the way. Thank you. But, you know, unless it involves some kind of military service or gang affiliation, I'd say a lot of these hats are, you know,

You know, I'm saying like it could be anything. But I know people, it's almost like a religion. No, nothing at all. Just a few unexplained bruises. Sorry, one of my jokes. Go ahead. Sorry. How many Pokemon manhole covers can I find today in Japan? Let's find out. The first one of the day was the adorable Chansey and Jigglypuff here in Fukushima. I love them so much. Next, it was us taking a bus.

plus the Shinkansen, all the way up to Utsunomiya in Tochigi. And the first one we found there was Electabuzz and Squovet.

Do they have Pokemon? This is an adult man looking for Pokemon. Would you rather have this guy or get a Tess? I'd rather have a gangbang with six Tess. Is he shooting this with one of those sticks? Of course, the man always had to be on top of a hill and have the ice cutters. But he ended up finding thunderous.

Thankfully, the running paid off. Okay, I'm good, Gene. Thank you. You're parents, right? Yeah. What if you said that, you know, Mom, Dad, you know, there's something that I want to do. You're like, what is it, college? It's like, no, I want to travel, but I also want to get to the heart of this Pokemon game.

thing that's going on. Manhole covers? The heart of it, yeah. Yeah. That's weird, huh? I don't like it. It's so strange. Never thought about something like that. It's like we cover Disney adults. Wow. Wow. Look how collected he is, too. And also, because he wants to hit her now, and she thinks it's coming, too, you know? Oh, sure. She dropped it on him. Of course. But, I mean, can you play it again? Yeah. Are you allowed to do that on the show? Yeah.

She got scared. Yeah. She chickened out. Now, do you think it was more about, like, soda brand? Like, this is... I don't know who he represents in the Pepsi war. I mean, she really...

Did a shit job. Yeah. She chickened out. She got scared. He is collected. He's so chill right now. Yeah. When he regroups though, he's going to be like, kick the shit out of her. Yeah. But look at the guy behind him. It's like, Ooh, he's doing the sympathy touch. Yeah. He's like right here. No, right here. No, it's right here. I feel it. No good. Oh,

I know exactly who this is. You do? Is that Walter the pug? No, it's a different one. This pug screams and he screams in public. Yeah. It's really funny. I follow these pugs. This is something that I actually follow. Look at him. So cute. Look how angry he is. Yay!

- Look how uncomfortable the other dog is, like embarrassed. Like I am so embarrassed. - Fucking bark, bro. Why can't you bark? - Yeah, she'll take this dog in like an airport and it'll start howling like this and everyone thinks she's like abusing the dog. It's pretty funny. - That's awesome. - It's amazing. Like there's something about that, like watching these, like you're expressing our own like angst with the world. - Yeah, yeah. - You know, I mean really. - That's what it's all about, Dave. - Look at him.

And as a mother, I assume when you hear that, it activates something in you, right? I start lactating, yeah. When you hear your baby cry like that. Look at that other dog. He's like, I just want out of here. Yeah, he fucking hates it. It's like in jail, you never know who your celly's going to be. Yeah, yeah. I'm done with him for the rest of our lives. This cry baby. So stressing him out.

- I'm stressed the fuck out. - One more time, in case you haven't yet, check out Hot Cross Buns, streaming now on Netflix. Dude, it's so great that you stopped by and saw us. - Thank you so much. - It's, first of all, a huge fan of both of yours and to be with you and your fans, I mean, thank you so much. - No, you're the best, dude. - You're the best, dude. - You're the best. Congratulations on the special and hope to see you soon, man. - Thank you, bro. - All right. - Bye, mom. - Bye, Jeeves.

I don't like when they spray paint sheep.

How'd that feel? It felt great.