Dating Cool Guys w/ Rayna Greenberg & Ashley Hesseltine | Your Mom's House Ep. 730
01:40:46 Share

This week on YMH. What about your butthole? Thank you so much for asking. I was waiting until we get to my butthole. Until you stop, though. I'll make you come. Wait, where are the hot cool guys? What's the segment? This is it. This is who you get. Welcome to YMH. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

And... Suwu. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whenever you're listening, whenever you're watching. Thank you for joining us. Jean, this is a very exciting day. We have a lot going on. So much going on. So much going on. So many things. So much learning has happened. Yeah. A lot of learning. Listen, since last time... Look...

I made a very heavy announcement about- It was a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago now. Very heavy announcement about wearing a shower cap. You never knew that that's what people do. I did not know. Because like an outdoor dog, that's what I live. I live out in the backyard. I want to point, you said something- Sure, go ahead. That was so preposterous. I didn't think a human being would ever utter this. You believed that-

shower caps were made for black women to go to the airport with. 100% Tom. That was incredible. Just my experience growing up in my home, my stepmother's, plural, never wore a shower cap. So anytime I've ever seen such a thing is in the airport, I would see black women wearing them. And you were like, oh, this is one of their things. I just thought maybe like a do-rag, is it cultural appropriation if I start getting into this kind of territory? So I was like, this is not for me. That's okay. Yeah.

That's okay. So a lot of furor over the post on Instagram. I saw a lot of comments that I had been misinformed. I've been misinformed. It's not that shower caps are a cap. It's called a bonnet. Yeah. Okay. And I was misinformed by the cap report leader. Wow. They went pretty hard. People were upset. Many. Many. You didn't explain that it was a bonnet.

I know, as the head journalist and research analyst of CIP Network. Yeah.

You know, I have to take this moment to apologize. This was misinformation, you know, and I want to apologize on behalf of my entire news team. We take this very seriously and we're going to take steps to prevent these types of things from happening. Well, most importantly, do you feel like you learned something? As a matter of fact, Tom, I did, and that is that I never took care of my own hair that way. You know, I should have used bonnets. It probably would have worked for me.

and as a message of solidarity to anybody who wears a bonnet. - Wow. - Wow. - That is, first of all, I just wanna say this is very big of you. - It's a beautiful bonnet. - Yeah, that's really, really big of you. - What a cool bonnet. Holy mack.

May I ask, too, because, look, I have to admit, now that I use a shower cap, I got one on Amazon. It showed up. It's got little cute lip marks on it, kissy marks, right? Yeah, yeah. It looks similar to what Annie's wearing. It does look similar, yeah. Which begs the question, what is the difference between a cap and a bonnet? Well, I'm imagining the material.

Yes, that's right. As far as I'm aware, my researchers in the news report, they have told me, yeah, it's more that this is made from silk material. Wow. Does it feel nice for sleeping? It feels great, actually. I feel like my hair might even grow back just from using this. Damn.

Wow. We'll see. That's so cool. Because I mentioned it's for like sleeping. You can sleep on it, right? Like some women sleep on a silk pillow to keep their hair from getting too crazy. Well, you know, the nice thing is for everybody listening and watching, don't ever say we didn't teach you anything. Today you learned shower caps and bonnets, they're not just for black women at the airport. Breaking news. Yeah. There you go. And by the way, so I used my new shower cap. Dude, it's literally like...

47 years I've been cranking my neck not getting my hair wet Tom it's like so this goes beyond any I don't even feel like we're in reality that you're like I didn't know I couldn't like there was a thing to not get my hair wet I mean look my mother never did it my mother washed her hair every single day and then squeezed lemon juice in it and teased it up and did all kinds of crazy stuff but we just were not a shower cap family yeah

I don't know, dude. But now I feel like I've joined the land of the living. I see in color now. Yeah. My life's so much easier. Yeah. Do my hair so much drier? Yeah. I'm like, what else am I missing out on? Oh, bro, I know. I tried a spray tan, too, with your sister while she was here. How was that? Shit is so good. I noticed that you did probably the right thing and you went really mild. It just looked like you had a little bit of sun. Just a little. I think that was smart. It was...

Because it's probably very...

you know, appealing when you get into a place that you're like, yeah, make it look like, yeah, tempting to get like a really good tan. Yeah. You didn't do that. No, I didn't do that. And I put a sticker on my arm. Maybe you can still see it. Yeah. It's already faded. So that you can see exactly how tan your skin got. Yeah. So it was just like a nice layer and it makes you look thinner. Yeah. Healthier. You feel excited. Like, oh my God, I just came back from Hawaii or some cool vacation. Yeah. I think I'm going to keep doing it. You look healthy.

Bart has been really into it. He's been talking about it nonstop. He's really dark, though. He went really dark on his second round, which I think is probably the thing is that you taste it, right? You just kind of go, okay. And then you go, okay, I'm ready. He really went dark. Because he looks like...

Like a total Floridian guy like he's out on the boat fishing every day. Yeah, he looks really Sunkissed he did he did it. He did it really much. Yeah, he'd been out on a boat for a long time So here's the only crazy thing about spray tan, bro is like you can either go naked and like some 20 year old girl I'm definitely doing that. By the way, if if I go in there for a spray tan and they're like, oh just put on this thong I'll be like no

The whole embolism. You see it all. You see it all. And here's the crazy part is she goes, okay, turn around now, bend over. So they get under your cheeks. And I was like, good thing I wore. Cause then, then you're, but then you're spraying chemicals on your shiny and chemicals on your cock and balls. And then, yeah, but I sit on your dingus and then I'm six hours. You can't wait six hours. You fucking come hound. Just wait six hours and it just dries up. And it smells bad too. Like why can't they make spray tan smell like Chanel number five? I don't know why it's got to smell so bad.

What's that? Those are gay guys fucking. That's just a guy coming. Relax. But I do feel so much better with this tan. Yeah. I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. But they're getting the full show. I'm not putting on a thong. It's chicks, dude. I'm just going to show them my hole up front. I'm like, here's my hole.

Here's my stuff in the front. It's my hole. And you spray it. You spray it. I want it to be tan. Oh, they're going to spray you. Yeah. And you know, it's even in my ears and stuff. It's cool. Cool. All right, let's start the show. And you wear a shower cap too. We haven't even done an opening clip. I got stuff to tell you. Oh, yeah. Here we go. What would you rank yourself on the market for? Eight. Out of what, 100? Okay, what is it? Will we rate it from one to a 10? Yeah. Okay, nine. Okay. Have a good day.

R.I.P. That guy. The best. Fuck, dude. Mom Segura. Ready? Go, go, go, go, go. Ringo. Ringo. Paul McCartney. John Lennon. Play it off.

Go, go, go, go, go. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Feel it in your jeans. Pull them oh so high. Pull them to the sky. It's your jeans. He does the graphics.

Out of what, 100? Dude, that's fucking so harsh. He's the best. I miss him. And he's making the rounds again on Instagram. It's so great. And I'm just like revisiting all these good memories. And you remind yourself that he's gone. It's such a bummer. So young. And you're like, oh, fucking cool. And then you're like, oh, fuck, he's dead.

But he was skinny. He looked good. Was it a heart problem he had? Yeah, but that's the thing. That can fool you. I know somebody who is a thin guy, okay? Okay. All right? And he's run his whole life. He's not like your dad. And he had a heart attack. Oh, say it like your dad, though. All right. Do that whole speech again. Now he's taking care of himself. All right? Thin guy. And he had a heart attack. It's not just fatties. Have a good day.

The level of delusion that Kevin Samuels had to deal with. I mean... Well, it's fucking so... God. Because, like, you know, the woman is doing...

what this modern era tells everyone to do. Yeah. You're a 10. You're amazing. You're a 10. We're all 10s. Yeah. You're beautiful. What are you doing? You know, the good thing about that though is that what he's doing or what he did was a reminder to people that that is bullshit. Yeah. It is bullshit to be like, we're all 10s. Like that's bullshit. Yeah.

And no one will do it until someone goes, how come I'm single? And he's like, well, let's kind of evaluate things. What are you bringing to the table? Like he's doing the real conversation that we used to do all the time. We used to be like, yeah, this is what you look like. This is...

what your career is. This is like what you're bringing to this. Your age, your weight, all this shit. Yeah, it's all a factor. And that used to be the norm. Someone would be like, well, you know, you got to fucking move up in life if you want this other stuff. Of course. You got to get it together. And then now they're like, whatever you are, you're a 10. Yeah. Can I tell you who's a true 10? Naomi Campbell. Yeah, she's a 10. Naomi Campbell. You're watching that supermodel.

Man, the supermodels. Not the fucking supper models. These fatsoes they call models now. Look at her. Look at her. Now, I don't know how old is Naomi. She's got to be in her 50s, dude. In her 50s, bro. Got to be. Look at her.

Look at her. She's born in 1970. So she's six years. She's 53. Look at her. Yeah. Doesn't. And by the way, I don't know if she's had an injection done on her face or whatever, but whoever's doing the work. But she always looks. And her body. She did. She basically looked like this 20 years ago. Oh my gosh. And then she smoked. She's smoking in this documentary. She's like, I really have to quit smoking cigarettes in her mansion in Kenya. And you're like, you smoke cigarettes. She's like, I drink alcohol. I do everything bad. And she still looks great. Yeah. Kate Moss too.

Kate Moss too. Cocaine, cigarettes, bulimia. I don't know. It still looks great. She still looks great. And this is the kind of thing too, when we go, fuck right off, you know, you can be beautiful at any size. No, you're not. No, you can't. You're only beautiful. If you're as thin and perfect as these women, then you're beautiful. And if you don't look like them, guess what? You're not a 10. That's true.

It's so true. Yeah. It's true. There's a reason why they made tens of millions of dollars off of just being born. Like that's what they did. They were just born and they fucking look like this. Yeah. And then companies are like, will you please put this shirt on? Yeah. Please. And here's a million dollars for doing that. Yeah. It's them.

It's so crazy. It's crazy. Giselle? Giselle Bundchen. Crazy. I saw an interview with her. She's in her 40s. She looks fantastic. Here's an interview I saw, Tommy. She goes, yeah, at the height of my modeling career, I was drinking coffee all day and smoking cigarettes. Hold on. And then at night, drink a bottle of wine to calm myself down. I'm like, and yet you still looked perfect. Yeah, you still look perfect. I do that one night. And then right now she goes, I've let myself go. Now I live...

You're like, yeah. I mean, last night we drank with our friends and everything. I look like shit. I have to wear these glasses because I look so bad. Yeah. But I want lunch. I want time. Want time. And I look like shit. This bitch, she never packs her lunch and she looks amazing. Yeah. They're just gifted. Gifted. It's genetics. You know who attends? People who lucked out. I know. They're lucky. That's their gift that they look like that. And accept it. That you're not them. And that's okay. You're good at other stuff. Giselle's probably not a great joke writer like me and

you know she's got she's got different she doesn't have a podcast about farting and jizzing different skills man they're different skills out of what 100 yeah oh that's so funny man

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Oh my God, I was so excited. I got tagged in this like a week or so ago that on AEW, the wrestling show. Oh my God. Oh my God. You know, of course, Mystic Rick, one of the, I don't know if you could pull up Mystic Rick for people that are- One of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Yeah, I mean, he's a huge, huge wrestler that, you know, he used to do the turkey slicer and all this shit from back in the day. And when I brought him to the-

- Tune into the podcast world. And I was dogging wrestling. I never expected

the wrestling community, you know, you just don't know what's going to catch on with people. And I was in like wrestling news and then I was hearing from wrestlers and then friends of mine who knew wrestlers were like, Hey, they're really disappointed. And like, I was like, cause I shit on it pretty hard. Yes. It was a bit. Yes. It's, it's how bits a lot of times work where, you know, you say something that you kind of feel, but you, cause I mean, I was harsher than I was just exaggerating.

But it was so funny that I was like, wrestling's all bullshit and it's fucking R worded. And then last night, or no, excuse me, I guess a week or two ago on the, um,

uh on aew there's a sign in the audience the guy's like near the front and it just says tom saguro was right as this guy is on mic in the ring amazing it's so funny to me that somebody would do that amazing thank you i got tagged in it so many times thank you very much for for letting me know i just thought it was really funny man and i've become friends with a number of

wrestlers from this era like since this happened but that really made my day the truth is out there Tom yeah that guy's just reporting the truth now why the spacing between the word Tom and Sigur I wonder what the deal is man oh I don't know it's an interesting choice maybe it was to disguise what his sign was saying you know like maybe he he put something else there and then you know like took something away sort of like when Zolo went to Garth Brooks concert

And had the, Garth, we love you, and then dropped it. Where are the bodies? One of the most iconic moments of Josh Zola's career with Wyoming Studios was that. You got them. That's the moment of my life. I've never been more excited. It was incredible. I mean, the rush you must, we ever asked you about it, the rush you must have felt. Yeah. We were in a fucking stadium. I know. And we weren't supposed to be on the floor at all. We were up in the nosebleeds. Chad and I snuck down there. And then we also didn't know that, like,

you know, so many people would be videoing that song. So the whole thing was like, did you get that on video too? And he did. And it was fucking perfect. Amazing. Lightning in a bottle. For people that don't know, like you're standing there and it says, we love you Garth, I think. Yeah. And then it gets on the jumbotron and then you just dropped that card. And then it says, where are the body? And there was a,

quick cut away from you. They were just like, nope. And you see the camera like shake. Oh yeah. Cause you know, the director's like cut away, cut away, cut away. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we were just giving our friend a tour of the studio and I just happened to pick up the framed National Enquirer article that came out about why I'm ancient Garth. And I was like, this is probably my most, I'm proudest of all my work in this business for 20 years. It's really that the making it to the National Enquirer. The cool thing about that is that one day, you know, just like when you go into like a, like let's say an old comedy club or something that one day,

one of our sons is going to have that like in his house and someone's going to be like what is this all about and he's going to be like you know my parents used to fuck with a country superstar and they're going to be like what they used to troll this guy named garth brooks and they'll be like i i know that guy i know that's a really good singer why would they do that they do it they said he was a serial killer and they'll be like

those are your parents? He's like, mm-hmm. Yeah. They were most proud of this actually. I know. It's so stupid. How fun was it though last night when our friends were over for dinner? That was awesome. That was so great. And what happened? And Ellis came running through? Oh yeah. So, you know, you realize that at some, you know, there's just some things you, you have to, you know, make some sort of concession. You're like, yeah, I want to have our friends over, but, you know,

Our kids are going to be around. So you're just like, all right, guys. You just kind of distract them for a second. Yeah, I let them eat all the candy in the house. Just let us talk to our friends, please. It's an hour, dude. Yeah, so we're having dinner. We're having a great time. And then...

We finally, it's like, all right, we got to get in. So they go to bed. You go in there with them, tell them, all right, go to bed. You come out and you're like, it's on. Like, yes. We sit down, we're still talking. Then you hear footsteps, which is obviously all the time. When you have kids, you're like, what's this going to be? And our oldest walks through the kitchen,

While our guest is here, he goes, I got to poop. And we were like, okay. I thought he said dump. I did teach him to say dump. I'm going to take a dump. Maybe he did. I thought it was poop. Clayton, is he still in there? Clayton, it was poop. It was poop. He's like, I got to poop. That's our friend who was on. And, uh.

And we were like, very good. And then he's a parent too. So he was like, I'm familiar with this. And then we see the little guy behind him and he's like, he's just dancing. Like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going to go with him for support. Yeah. And then it's just, it's just a way to not go to bed, which is like what they're experts in doing. That's all they do is fight bedtime. They don't want to eat. They don't want to sleep. God, dude.

Here, I got some fun for you. Yeah. You'll like this. I went through a divorce. Love her, Amber Rose. And then I started dating after that. And it's like, well, if going out on a date with a guy makes me a slut, then that's just what I'm going to be. I don't think going out on a date makes you a slut, but having sex with different men makes you a slut. Well, what does it make you if you have sex with different women? A slut maker. A slut maker. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Isn't that amazing? He really feels like he's teaching right there, too. He just taught her some shit. Which, by the way, Amber Rose is so beautiful. Gorgeous. This girl is gorgeous and has made a fantastic living being like, yeah, I'm a slut and doing slut walks in LA. Yeah, very pro sex positive. Sex positive, yes. So that's really funny. Of all people, this guy's telling her. Yeah, she's gorgeous. She's amazingly good looking. Yeah, yeah.

But she could even say that she's up there, maybe a nine or 10. Oh, she's, she's a nine or 10. Yeah. Easily. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where are you at? No, I'm just thinking that she, if you sat her next to the other lady and she was like, I'm a nine. Out of what? Yeah. Yeah. No, Amber Rose gets to say nine or 10. Do you date men too? Exclusively women. Oh, yeah.

Would it be a bad thing for our conversation if I dated men? Well, it wouldn't be bad for our conversation. It would be interesting. Okay. Why don't you date men? I'm not attracted to men. Oh, good. I don't see anything wrong with it, but I know you do. You do not see anything wrong with it? With being attracted to men? Why not? Why would it be wrong? Because it's of the same sex, so it's abnormal. But that's not an argument.

Because liberals are betas. Betas. Yeah, that's awesome. But that's not an argument. He's like, yeah, you're just fucking weird if you're gay. Yeah. Quit being so gay. Yeah. Yeah, it's so. Men who are liberals are betas. Yeah. This guy's insane though. I know. That's why he's the best. He's pretty great. Makes no fucking sense. For those who don't know, we've been playing clips right now. This is Jesse Lee Peterson.

a pastor and an educator. This is another clip of his. Very inspiring. Stevie is going to be real wealthy one day. He's going to have more money than Donald Trump.

Are you willing to be a housewife and not work or anything and homeschool the kids and that kind of thing? Homeschool. Stevie wouldn't want that for me. He would not? Yeah, no. He loves because I can do both. But it's so hard on a mother to watch over the man's children and work and things like that because women are so emotional. All that stress is like freaking them out and they'll kill the children. Right.

I mean, even the guy with him is like, you know, yeah. So he's like, your woman should work because then you'll kill them. It's true. I do get so stressed out. I got to say, whenever he says this woman stuff, I'm kind of like, hmm. Yeah. You want me to quit? No, I just think that he's really on point, you know.

Wait, which part though? The too many feelings? Yeah. Can I tell you where he is, right? Real talk, real talk. Sure, sure. Yeah. It is, I think that men and women are constituted differently such that you going go, go, go, go, go makes you feel, makes your schmeckle harder, stronger, happier. I think you know what it makes you feel? It makes you feel like you're worthy. Like men's validation as men comes from, from a lot of men comes from

Working, contributing, doing and achieving is like a very, I feel like it's a very male thing, right? Where you're like, I'm doing things, I'm working, I'm working, I'm supposed to work. Right. And then whereas for me, now that I have children too, it's extremely depleting.

So I have to be very selective of what work I do. Yeah, that makes sense. Most of my energy goes to our children. Yeah. And here's the thing. If you're a woman and you're. You said that like it's so demeaning. I just want to make it clear that if you're a woman. We don't even know what women are these days, Tom. What is a woman? If you're a woman and you're listening or you're watching and you're going, well, I'm, I'm, I side more with Tom. Just know you're a guy. You're a guy. Do you do cold plunge? And you think like a guy and you're a guy.

But I will say this. Before we had kids, I was more like you in that I would love to just grind and fill that hole in my heart with work. I liked that version of you because I felt like I was with a guy and I liked that. And we did push-ups together. Yeah, we did push-ups. I spotted you. You spotted me in the gym. I would always make you go face down and be like, tell me...

Tell me how much you bench. Yeah. And then, yeah, it would feel like I was with a guy. I like that. Yeah, like in the movies where the guy is gay and he's having sex with a girl. He's like, face down. Face down. Show me your ass. Show me your asshole. Why are you shaving it? Let the hair grow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But sometimes I do think you would like it better if I were a guy because you're always like, why don't you like football? I'm like, because I'm a woman. I never say, why don't you like football? Why don't you cold plunge? You're always like, you should really do the cold plunge. I'm like, I'm a woman. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't say it like that. I just go, do you want to? And the answer is always no. Absolutely not. Never. Yeah. Oh, at cold plunging? No. It's for lesbians and men. We already covered this. Let's see this other one.

Do you regret not getting married, having children now that you're older? Well, and I'm gay. You're gay? Yes. You don't look gay. We come in all shapes and sizes, brother. So you're gay? I'm gay. I didn't know you were gay. Yeah, well, I just told you. How did you become gay? One doesn't become gay. One is born that way. Oh, man. This guy's a father? I didn't know you could be gay and a father. Am I a priest or whatever? What kind of a priest is he?

What? And in the Catholic church, are you allowed to be... He's not Catholic. You can't tell by the collar? But what is the collar? It's a priest, but it's not of the Catholic combination. What church is this that they're like, it's cool? It could be Episcopalian. Yeah. Episcopalian. It could be. What church are you allowed to be gay in? Episcopalian. Yeah. There's some newfangled church. These Episcopalians. Yeah. But also, of course...

You could be a gay priest and Catholic as well. I'm not saying you can't be, but they probably wouldn't announce it. Yeah. You're not allowed to be openly like, well, I mean, it's not, you're, I mean, just, it's not common, but the way that he, he clearly has said this openly. That's what makes me think he's definitely gay.

aside from the collar not catholic denomination no he's not i feel i feel like almost sad to click this next button because i think he's gonna say something so mean to this guy yeah this guy seems sweet i know he seems like such a nice guy and he's like does god know you're gay i believe so did he make you that way i that's my opinion you think that god made you gay i have no you know i don't i don't know the i'm not going to be presumed to uh

plumb the depths of the most high, but yes, I've been gay as long as I can remember. And so, have you been with men? Of course. Like sexually? Yes. Really? Yeah. That's my problem. Is this the first time he's heard of gays? I don't know. That's really funny. He's very bothered by it. Yeah, he really hates it. Maybe he needs to try. This kind of goes, when people get this type of reaction though, it always makes me feel like

you're only a few questions away from discovering their own curiosity with it or their own experience with it. This is just bullshit. You're a priest. Can you curse? I just did. That's amazing. And you curse? God is not pleased. God is not pleased. He just interviewed him the way I would. Well, this guy settled in and was like,

I think he just realized how fucking crazy this guy is. Yeah. He's talking to. Oh, well. Oh, wow. That was a fun, uh, fun rundown. Sucking dicks. Yeah. In the church. Here we go. Here's something for you. Let's cleanse the palate. Yeah. That was a bummer. I didn't like that. Yep. That's how I feel about people biking in the streets. Oh, here's the good part. Now you can hear the screams.

You liked it. Yeah. That's terrible. Well, the guys biking on like the freeway. It's on the highway. That's so insane. It's so dangerous. It's so crazy when people do that and they're like, what? I have to get here. Oh, okay. Well, we, you know, look, not all bicyclists, but some do have quite an attitude. Yeah, they do. About owning the roads where their cars are. Streets for all of us. But what's crazy is that on a lot of streets that we see these things on, there are bike lanes. Right. And they're always out of it.

Yeah. And sometimes you got to teach someone a lesson. Teach them a lesson. I like that. In a fucking dump truck. You got to run over a bike in your truck. Yeah. It does make me happy. It's so big that he gets hit. I mean, this thing is huge. But why is he? It's a fucking semi truck. He's stupid. Don't bike where these big trucks are. Oh my God. That's stupid.

I like that part. The whining. Yeah, that part was cool. Stupid. Yeah. Stupid. I've broken my leg. Oh. Yeah, he did. Yeah. I've broken my leg. I've broken my leg. I've broken my leg. Yeah, that was pretty. How did he know? Usually you don't, when I broke my ankle, I didn't know. You didn't see the part where he found out? No, it was kind of. Did you miss it? Yeah. Yeah. So when he falls, he jumps off of that and that humongous piece of rock falls

falls with him it it lands on his leg oh yeah but that's not what he knows christine he finds out that his leg is broken when he makes the attempt to stand here oh he's like oh shit i just saw that he's like yeah that's not smart to try to stand he's like i've broken my leg it's

So refined. A broken leg, eh? Damn, that was terrible. That didn't make me feel any better than the last clip. That made me feel way worse, actually. It did? Can you put in something a little positive, maybe? That was terrible. Was this in Romania? Yeah. That's your people trying to jump a building. Yeah, somewhere in Hungary. Look at him.

They're always okay. Whenever these Ruskies do this crazy shit, they're always like, I made it. Of course they made it. It's just they're cockroaches. We're cockroaches. There's no such thing as being sick or broken, you pussy. 100% you're going to like. I found one you're going to like. Okay. Look. In the urinal, somebody took a shit in the urinal. What a dick.

Oh, this poor man. I know. What a gig. Horrific. Oh, nobody should have to do that. And he does it because it's his gig. Poor man.

Yeah, put a mask on, baby. You don't need to smell it. Poor guy. He's so skinny, too. He doesn't have much in him. Picking up a shit. Who's videoing it? I think his co-worker. I'm going to fucking die. You know, can I tell you something? To take a dump in the urinal is just... Savagery. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you, when I used to work at Barnes & Noble...

Yeah. In the summer of 90. I got it. Thanks. I got it. I got it. Well, we want to see the video. I know, but I don't want to see him throwing up. He's not throwing up. Oh, my God.

That's a good man right there. It is a good employee. He should get a fucking raise. Okay. I'm trying to tell you something. Okay. When I worked at Barnes and Noble in like the summer of whatever it was, 96. Yeah. You wouldn't believe the animal shit that human beings do in a bookstore toilet.

There would always be like a sea of pubic hair on the seats or just big logs like this. People go in and just dump like that. Why don't you flush your dump? Fucking Barnes and Noble. Just to fuck with the next person? I don't know. But then you would get your job for the night for closing. And that was like my dreaded job was to clean the toilets at the bookstore. It was especially after a weekend when people would go to Starbucks. Yeah. Treat their coffee and then shit at the bookstore. Horrible.

It's horrible. It's like, what are you doing? Go home and shit, you dummy. Yeah. Why do you have to shit at the bookstore? Sometimes you just gotta shit. But if there's one stall too, it's like one stall, isn't the pressure too much? No, sometimes you just have to. I know. I know. And a lot of bookstores have, you know, they have coffee and you just, you're like, I'm looking at books, drinking coffee, I'm shitting. But if there's multiple stalls, like there's one in Pasadena of Romans that was my safe haven. Yeah. But there was like multiple stalls.

you know what i mean what are you gonna do not yeah hold it in this will make you happy and then go to romans in pasadena ready yeah why is your car so loud i'm sorry people because no i i did it for myself i just like the way it sounds but nobody likes it but you what'd you say

Yeah. You know what I like the most about this? How dismissive he is of her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you should talk to all women. Let's wrap this up. We will be back in a moment. And welcoming for the first time to our studio, the two chicks from Girls Gotta Eat. Raina and Ashley, thanks for coming in, everybody. Let them hear it. Thank you for coming. Thank you. We're so young. We're just like chicks. You are. You're total chicks.

You guys are like the sex positive ladies. Sex positive chicks. Do you have a lot of sex negative people on the show? Sometimes. What do they say? We're going to introduce you to them pretty soon. Yeah, we just played a guy who couldn't believe that another guy was gay. He's like, you're gay? You're really a gay? I'm glad we brought you guys a butt plug. Oh, yeah. Nice. Do you wear those? Are you friends? I'm wearing them right now. We're doing them right now. Can you wear one right now? We like to wear them.

We do headphones and butt plugs. That's our... Well, actually, we have a girl... Do you find that you focus more when you have a butt plug in? Like you're able to get your tasks done? I focus on my asshole more. Yeah, yeah. That's more just what's going on. I don't care about this. This is stupid. I know. But I'm being serious. When do you... Because we have a girl who cleans her house and she finds it more meditative. You make it sound like we own her. Well, she's a huge fan. She's a friend of mine. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you do stuff with a butt plug in? You can do anything. Yeah. So this one, if you really, if you train your butthole to hold things in, yeah, you could clench it and walk around. I don't see why not. Well, we heard a story about someone that like wore one of the metal ones and like you sit down on the subway and it clinks, you know what I mean? Sure. Yeah, that makes sense. But ours isn't metal. Yeah. That's amazing. Do you know, this girl said, don't, I don't, don't recommend sleeping with the butt plug in for like eight hours. Why is that? We'd understand why. I just want to be calm.

I mean, people do suggest if you want to get into butt play that you start to like put it in and leave it there for a little bit. Yeah. Strength training for your butthole. Strength training. Yeah. Here I am lifting weights. I just want to clarify. I'm not wearing one. I just want to make sure. That was a bit super funny. Yeah. Do you want to go put it in? No. And then give it to Tom. Are you in the regular practice of wearing them or trying them? No. No, not really. No. I mean, I like butt stuff, but I...

am not like a big put a toy in my butt my boyfriends were just getting him into butt stuff him and rain have been discussing how to ease in oh you put your boyfriend with her to discuss he texted her it was our first text ever he texted me help and they were on a trip together and i was like oh my god he did something like really horrible to her and he needs my help like backing out of it like making it up to her and he was like loose talk of butt stuff tonight

I wrote him a dissertation on how to make her butt feel good. I was proud and uncomfortable. Well, like, give us a little insight. Like, what do you do? Okay. So she doesn't like like a ton of like full penetration. You can like ease into it. Like you kind of work the area a little bit. You were coaching him specifically for Ashley. Oh, that's very nice. Yeah. It was a nice bonding moment for everybody. So you were like kind of, you know, play, play in the field, like have a, like warm things up. Yeah. Yeah.

And then don't hammer her in there. Just kind of. Right. And I wanted him to ease into it too. Like, I think that some people think butt play is just like two fingers straight in. Or just anal. Yeah. You can just, well, you like a finger in the butt, right? No. Yeah. No. I thought you're stand up. You do. He likes it. Oh, I thought you were looking at me. Sorry. Tom is very much into it. And I have to admit, I'm very afraid. It's warm up there. Gross. It's hot. Thank you so much. It's hot. It's steamy and hairy. It's.

And generally, I don't want to put my hands anywhere. You got to get long nails so you have an excuse. But then they want that cut. Oh, they don't want it. Then they won't want it. See, your hands right now are too perfect for it. Listen, she doesn't need another excuse. There's already...

fucking 20 years old. Well, hold on. Maybe you guys can help me then. How do I work up the courage to get fake nails? No, no, no. To finger his beak. And which finger? Do I do a thumb? Do I do the middle? What do you like? I'm terrified. Do you do it to yourself? Like,

when you do it to yourself what do you like of course I close my eyes and I picture a woman and I'm like oh yeah and I talk to myself which finger do you do I mean like index or middle yeah it feels like index for sure after a shower so the warmth won't bother you as much yeah and you can just work the hole a little bit you don't have

You have to be like in and out, in and out. Exactly. It's like I keep fucking telling her this shit. Just not the star. See, I have a friend that goes, I put my finger all the way in and then I J his D. And I'm like, that is so varsity to me. So I think what you're saying is, is I need to start off very small. Yeah. Like preschool. Like just, just what if I just tap, tap and then I'm done. Yeah. Just a panicked tap.

It's like everything. This is the thing that we find so much. People have these big intimidating ideas about anything sex related. Like even blowjobs. You got to finish it. Are you spitting or swallowing? It's like you can just suck a dick for a little bit. It can be foreplay. Like I think people get overwhelmed. Butt stuff means anal. It's just none of it. It can be, yeah, a little tab. Do you also, does your boyfriend...

Like has played with as well. I have the best idea. Not his butt. No, no. I like to fuck with him in public. Like just do a credit card swipe. Sure. He doesn't like it. No, I'm not like getting back there in bed. He's just not into it. We'll see. We're still pretty new. Sure. Hold on guys. I know you have your own sex toy company. I had the best idea. Okay. Okay. Do you think you can make,

like a fingertip like a synthetic fingertip that covers my actual finger so that I don't get creeped out by Tom's heat and hair yes so she could use so we have one called the Lucy it comes with a bullet and some different sleeves for the bullet and we're gonna start selling one that has like a little finger slip and you could just put your finger in it instead of the vibrating bullet what do you think of that just don't get stuck but here's the thing what if I just did the vibrating bullet in your asshole this is like you're full of shit man

You keep saying this like all the time. No, you are. No, you're fucking, you keep everybody. Why are you shaming me? Because you don't ever do any of it. Because I'm scared, Tom. It's called fear. You drank?

Yeah. Okay, well, get drunk first. That's the first step. See, this is why we need these ladies to teach me. I don't fucking know. I'm not normal. Do you know I just figured out a shower cap? I've never used a shower cap. I heard about it. And I also was thinking about you in the shower because we're staying at the SoHouse. There's a rain shower. And I thought of you because you're like, when you're not trying to wash your hair, you can't use the rain shower. It's a whole thing. So I was just thinking of you in the shower earlier. Thank you for thinking of me. You're so sweet. And now you'll think about me.

I'm just scared. But you're telling me alcohol, synthetic fingertips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same bullshit. Let's move on. He's so upset. You're like, oh, what if I, okay, so I'll give it a try. And then you don't fucking try. Because we never, it's always the kid, two little boys. It's the kid. I mean, not them. See how the goalposts are moving now? Yes. Away, over here. That's why he has to figure his own butthole and talk to himself.

It's just so unarousing to have like mommy. Like it really takes me. I think in the shower is the move. Do you guys ever shower together? Yes. In a hurry. Yeah. All right. Well, okay. In the shower. Okay. Okay. Anyway. So what about your butthole? Thank you so much for asking. I was waiting till we get to my butthole. I don't want anything anywhere near. That is a no fly zone. No fly. Same. I don't want a finger, a tongue.

tongue no mountain there i hate it so much every guy i've ever dated like while i'm like on top just like riding going to town wants to stick a finger in my butthole and it takes me so far out of the mood wow i hate it this is a good thing of orgasming and you will send me right back to start

This is why you probably, I'm assuming, then endorse really communicating what you like and what you don't like, right? That's a very, I mean. That's very much what our show is about. Yeah. So do you, is it kind of like it's a thing that you lead? Like, do you tell guys up front? Yeah.

By the way, I don't like this. I wait until they do it and I tell them they're doing a bad job. Yeah, yeah. Shame on you. Well, I mean, if it never comes up. Yeah, I mean, if you never try to figure my butthole, I don't need to bring it up. Yeah. I'm happy to request things that I enjoy. We always suggest mentioning something on a podcast. I heard this thing on this podcast. Sounds crazy.

crazy and fun. Um, once I had this boyfriend that wanted to always like finger my butthole while he was coming, like he would be on top and he was, I could tell he was about to finish cause it would just go straight to my butthole. And afterwards I was like, we're at dinner. So I was like, so I kind of noticed that you tend to like go towards my butthole when you're orgasming. And that's not, I don't,

If that's something you want to explore, we can talk about it, but I don't really want to. And he was like, I don't know why you have to bring this up all the time. Talk about this stuff. And I'm like, this is my butthole. I don't want anything in my butthole. Sure. Now, will you lick scrum? Will I lick a butthole? Yeah. I would never. You can do whatever you want to my butthole. That's none of my business, but I'm not. You would never. I'm not a man's butthole. I put it in my mouth all the time. You know what we're going to do is we're going to end the show. Thank you. Guys, I've been waiting for you to. But ladies. I'll do finger stuff.

A woman's mouth on a man's phone? I'm done it, okay? I'm feeling embarrassed. But think, can we talk? See, I agree with you. And I do, when I do stand up, I'm like, who here does it? And there's a lot of young girls, this generation. Right, no judgment. No, total shame and judgment. It's disgusting. You probably can get E. coli or whatever. Why are you doing this? Stop doing this. You guys are of an older generation. I'm older too. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. Tell us, what's it like? What are steam trains like? Are those fun to drive around in?

Yeah, I just have a line. You have some old as fuck. I'll do whatever with my hands, but I just can't.

There's something about it. I'm just like, it doesn't taste good. Thank you. It's not an enjoyable. It tastes musty. If I had a partner that really, really wanted it, like that was his thing, I think I would attempt it in the shower only. Thank you. There is a place. Even Miss I Will Not Do That was like, okay, in the shower. Okay, so but you're saying it doesn't taste good. I did it immediately after a shower. Like, we got out of the shower. I did it. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, it's still an open cavern into your butthole. Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. And a cool chick is cool with that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

A young chick. Put these on. Put these on. You're so stupid. Now, I thought this would be a fun game to play. Okay. You guys are known, obviously, for your opinions on sex and you're guiding people. How about we give you four guys and you tell us, in order, who's the most fuckable? Love it. Who you're dating. Okay, here we go. This is so exciting. It's the best. You're going to love this. I'll make this brief. My name is John LaHue Shipman.

I'm looking for girls for pussy. I love you, pussy. That's number one. Oh. Okay, so first of all... He ended strong. And he communicated well. Okay. He's telling you what he liked. I mean, there's a little more if you want. He's got a little rasp to his voice. I think he can't breathe. If you're into fat guys. Oh, very specific, though. Missouri. Please call me...

At 1-5-7. Gives out his digits. Okay. Somebody sent this to you guys. You requested this? Yeah. Okay. I'm a kinky motherfucker. He's a kinky motherfucker. I'm a sex swing time machine out of beef jerky. I want a girl who can roll a blunt with her pussy. All right. Text me at 1-6 or call me. My name's John. Call me at 1-5-5. All right. So far, he's in the lead, obviously. He's the first one. I don't know if John can handle...

a lot of action physically. This is a very good point. No one's actually ever said that. He's struggling to breathe, to get this out. Right.

I see what you're saying. And we don't even know. Drop him on a swing or swinging. No, we're not. It's a beef jerky swing, guys, to be fair. I think, to be fair, if you are open to it, he's probably going to lay down. You sit on his face. Yeah. I think that's really what this is going to be about. That's cool. That's an easy. Hey, in the grand scheme of things, that's an easy thing to please. Yeah. Face sitting. Big whoop. Just keep this in mind. But also, he's putting it out there. Do you like this?

So, you know, you're saying, you know, are you into this? Okay. Right. Right. Because like what kind of guys you mentioned, we cut it off because we wanted to save it, that you're fucking an ableist and that you are. God. What's an ableist? You know, you're. Don't take guys in wheelchairs. You never heard that term. You never heard ableist? God. Jesus. You don't take.

Yeah, you know that you always... There's a name for that? Yeah, you always laugh at the cripples. So, no. That's not me. No, that's not you. You do that. Yeah, but you are five feet tall? I am five feet tall. And what kind of guys do you go for? People that look like The Rock or Dave Bautista. Dave Bautista is my number one. That's your number one? That's my number one. Bautista? Bautista. May I see a photograph? A furtograph? Sorry. He looks like a monster. This is your...

So you want to get a full body. There he is. That's him. You want a gorilla. I want a Neanderthal giant bald beard covered in tattoos. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You're five feet tall woman. Some guys are really into it. On a scale of one to 10, how would you rank yourself?

You want Dave Bautista, but how do you know he wants a five foot tall? I don't. She's just saying what her preference is. I'm just saying that's what I would pick. Would you be into this if he was like five five? With glasses? Like Aaron Burr? What's his height?

What is his height? Dave Bautista's like 6'3". Is he? He's a big man. Okay, I didn't know that. Here's the deal, man. Can I tell you my theory? I didn't realize he was that tall. He's 6'4". He's a giant. His dick will rip you apart. So, yeah, my ex that kind of looked like that, the biggest dick I've ever seen. It's hard to take, but I would deal with it for Dave Bautista. Can I tell you my theory, though, with really attractive men? Yeah. Okay, if you're going to go for like, this guy's like a 10, right? And who's the first guy you mentioned? The Rock. The Rock.

This is, we're going through Rainer's list right now. Here's my theory. The rock is what we start with. Right. I want to throw Travis Kelsey in there. He's a top four for me. Okay. So like, okay, so I just saw the other day I was at lunch and I saw a really attractive man, like a 10. Like a fucking rain gosling, like dude, bro, 10. So I was like, dude, this bitch he's with better be like a dime times two. She better be a fucking 20 because they can fuck whoever they want. So how are you keeping Dave Bautista in?

How are you keeping him faithful to Renny? Maybe I don't need him to be faithful. Maybe I just want to have him come home at the end of the day, hang out with me, tell some jokes, whatever, and he can go on the road and fuck whoever he wants. I don't care. I also don't... Don't you feel like he's a little specific? I'm not attracted to that. He's not a snob for everybody. That's right. Which is fair. Which is fair. But being that what you just said...

Does this mean that this is not for you what you would want long term? This is just a fun thing? Long term. Forever term. Oh, forever term you want that? Oh, wow. He's also seems like a really nice guy. He rescues and fosters a lot of dogs. He actually does seem like a... I've seen interviews with him. He seems like... And he does. He seems like a really good guy. Hold on, Ren. So you're saying you would forego the monogamy?

the safety, the security of a loving marriage. To fuck a silverback gorilla. Sounds perfect. Wow. I thought we were damaged.

This is crazy. I feel like it's like don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, I don't want to know about it. I don't want you to come home and tell me about it. I'd like you to make safe decisions and wear condoms. But like, I don't think that there's like one type of relationship to have. And I think that like you sometimes with somebody like that, you got to be a little realistic that they are going to sleep with other people. Would you consider polyamory?

I'm not interested in my partner dating other people. This is a hypothetical person. I don't know. You wouldn't be sister wives for him. Yeah. I'm not interested in my partner having another partner. But you'd be... You'd turn a blind eye if you had kids with Dave Bautista and you were like, well, he steps out on the marriage. I gotta tell you something. That's wild. I gotta tell you something. I would murder Tom. I would fucking kill him. Good for you. Yeah. Fucking kill. Also, this is a fake relationship. I'll tell you in this scenario, Raina sounds pretty cool to me. I'll just say that.

She's been talking about you, Tom, actually. She's like, he's looking more and more like my type. Raina, check this out. Raina.

No. Look at that. I won't even make eye contact with them. You don't meet tattoos, though, do you? I'm getting them this week. Well, you're a red flag. You don't have any? No, I don't have any. Okay. Ashley. That's a red flag? So it's my, I don't have any, but I would never date a guy without them. It's my toxic trait. What? It's weird. I don't know. It's like, no offense, but I'm just like, I really like them. That's the only thing we really have in common. We have totally different tastes, which makes us like. You like sleeves? Like lots? Oh, yeah.

I don't need like two full sleeves. My boyfriend is like 13. They're all over, you know. There's the scatter thing. Cause I have, I, I enjoy the aesthetics of tattoos a lot too. But like sometimes they're, they're like, you know, mix and match everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

I told him to kind of like, let's just pause for a second. Do you like that? You guys showed me a photo of somebody with a really cool sleeve. That looks rad on a dude, I think. I'm down with a sleeve. But I also don't want two full sleeves, two full legs, up to the neck. That's a lot. How about jokey? Does it matter to you? There's a line. There's a line, right? Because there's like Mr. Hamburger or whatever fucking on there. You're like, all right. There's a line and also two...

like, I don't know, to cringe too, like deep.

Oh, too deep. Yeah. Yeah. You don't share that feeling with me. My brother has this tattoo on his back. It's half of his back. And it says, watch me become what I can be. That's kind of cringy. That's pretty cringy. Dude, my pussy just dried out. My pussy just sealed itself shut. Do you make fun of him? Every day. And he's cool with it, though. Where is it? It's his whole shoulder blade. Did you see Affleck's? Yeah. Doesn't he have like risen from the ashes? You got a Ben Affleck back tattoo. Have you ever seen this?

Oh my god. Really? I can't. Why is this kryptonite? It's like, I don't. Wait, wait. No! That's Ben Affleck's. Yeah. Our friend did this for Halloween. His girlfriend painted his back. Look at that. It was incredible. But look at that. That's insane. It's a phoenix from the, I get the symbolism of a phoenix rising from the ashes. That's insane. My goodness. That's not for me. I never saw that. It's too many colors for me. That's intense. Right. Colors. I just want black. By the way, let's go ahead and say it though. Underrated director. The guy really is an unbelievable director. Can I tell you something though?

I like it. I thought my pussy would dry up, but... Hey! The wings, I can't. Can I tell you why I like it? Yeah. Actually, I love the symbolism of a phoenix from the ashes. I'm a sucker for this analogy or whatever this is. I like it. He got this when he divorced from Jennifer Garner. For the divorce, yes. Wait, that's serious?

Yes, that's the way he did it. And he just looks so beat down ever since. And I'm a sucker for knuckle tats. That to me says real mental illness. And I really like that. That's fair. My ex had a jaguar that size. Just coming down his whole back. A big cat. I like a big cat. The whole back and it came around the side too. No real significance. He just liked it. I love this. Yeah.

So far, we gave you John who lays on his back. Now we're going to move on to a different type of guy. You would be required to make daddy come. Is that understood? And it would be done in a way that you want to do either with your body or

or a friend of yours that's a girl that you can sell a picture and say that he stroked her. Okay. I'm going to fucking throw up. I hate it. Now, here's the thing. The way that he speaks, it almost presents your, almost if you were listening, you're like, oh, this might be like a wealthy guy. Totally. You close your eyes and I hate it. And then you look at the background and you're like, that's a mattress kind of like maybe on the floor. It's very messy. It's not a nice place.

So he's not. Right. He thinks he's Christian Grey. Yes, exactly. Frat guy. Yeah. Or a video that you found or.

Something that you think will make daddy's corpse. I feel like we need to call the cops. Okay. So far, John's in the lead still. Yes, John. You have his information? This guy? You should report him to the authorities. Well, he's already been. He's hiding in plain sight. Arrested. He has a mattress on the floor. He does. That's his prison cell, actually. Yeah. I hate this. I hate this. I also don't like daddy. Nope. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a very specific thing. You like a daddy? I don't. I feel like she does. I feel like she does. Can we talk about this quick? I feel like Bautista's like, daddy's home. And then Reina's like, wow. Reina, do you really like someone to say make daddy come? Are you into that?

I don't hate it. If I close my eyes and this guy didn't look like this. Can I tell you why though? Is it because your real life dad's not a creeper? Because my real life dad's a fucking creeper. And I think that's why I don't feel safe even remotely. He didn't ask me, but he definitely was like, he fucked a lot. No, he wasn't into girls, like children, but definitely fucked a lot of women. So he's a creeper.

So like maybe that's why I can't do, I can't even go here. Hypersexual guy. Hypersexual. Towards women, not children. Your dad wise. Yes. Okay. Is yours a creep? So I think the daddy thing is interesting and I can't fully like hypothesize, but like I just have a really good relationship with my dad. So I don't want. Right. That's why I don't like it. But if you.

But it goes either way. I don't know. You have a good relationship with your dad. So what's your deal with your dad that you feel... I don't feel like kink-shamed. You guys can make fun of me. I like what I like. I just like some dirty shit. I have a great relationship with my dad and my stepdad, and no one's ever touched me in a weird way or made me feel uncomfortable. My dad seems pretty non-sexual. He's had a bunch of wives. Maybe that's why. That's a good... I think that's how most...

People, especially women, want their dads. Yes. For dad to be paternal, non-sexual. His last wife actually told me, she was like, we don't have a sexual relationship. And I was like, that's amazing. Yeah. Thank you for telling us. Her dad came to us, 76 years old, and he was like, he's starting to date this lady. And he was just like...

Like, are we going to have sex? Like, he wanted to hear about what are they supposed to do at this age? Yeah. He was asking Ashley's advice. You guys. What to do at 76. What did you say? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it's such a blind spot for me as being so young. But I don't know, though. Like, can you meet at 75 or whatever and just have a nice...

non-sexual companionship relationship or are we fucking if we met at 75 you know i think the real answer is that it just varies person to person right because i've actually i had to be educated on this when my because my dad would tell me about his friends that were like in really and then there were there were the totally like non-sexual ones and then there were the dudes who were like 85 right and still fucking you know well right didn't all those al pacino and then the other they both got

their partner's pregnant. Just recently, Robert De Niro. Well, it's not normal. Like, quote, unquote, like, is it common for, like, men, adult men to talk to their adult male sons about that? I think the older... Because I never had any sexual conversation with him as, like, a teen or in my... You know, it's like...

I think as you start to view your parents as people, you know, when you get older and then I think they start getting comfortable talk. Like, you know, we didn't get into the same conversations that I have with like my friends, you know, but he would let, you know, you could also see him. He'd be like, ah, you know, I remember that girl. She would really knew how to suck. And I was like, what the fuck?

And then, you know, he would let out what he likes. I love cleavage, like big dits. And I was like, yep, thanks for telling me. I like your impressions of your parents. You know, it's like, it's so, we always talk about it. It's so weird though. When, when like your dad's like, do you know what makes me hard? And you're like, you know, but that's essentially what he's saying. Like, he's not saying it.

like that directly but when he's telling you like love cleavage you're like you're telling me what makes your dick hard i don't want to know this right do your kids watch like either of your stand-ups no they're so not interested oh really okay no i mean they will they will it'll be it'll be horrific at some point yeah they're five and seven they can't even i put on one time i it was like one of the few things that i could show them i put on dad look here's dad

talking about you on like Colbert and like I'm and he was like he's

He's like, that didn't happen like that. Like what I was saying. And I was like, and then he was like, where's my fucking, like he just goes right away. They don't give a shit. That's true. They don't want to know. The only thing, I can't say it. I'm going to do, I'm going to be on a show that they watch pretty soon. And I'm pumped. That is exciting. And we'll see if they even want to watch. No, that's the one. That's going to be different. That's, that's a dream to be able to do, to be on a show that the kids actually like. And she's doing that. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Kids are stupid, you know? They are so dumb. They're so fucking dumb. Like, I remember when my brother went to Disney World, like, we did a full four days and they were like, Matt, what was your favorite part of Disney World? And he was like, the monorail. Like, the train between the parts. Yeah, true. My parents were like, what the, we just had to put him on a subway? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

like they just don't know a lot of places that we go like their favorite thing is the escalator also that yeah they'll write it for an hour yeah yeah up and down then they'll go against it oh look i'm going up while it's going down and they're laughing and then somebody who works at whatever place is like excuse me could you not have your kid do this yeah we got kicked out of a department store

Because in Texas, they can ride the escalators and no one gives a shit. We were in LA and they were just riding the escalator and everyone being disrespectful. And the guy, yeah, security came. Am I going to walk my ass out? All right, ladies. Get ready to go.

Moistin' Up. Here we go. Oh, God. What's up on my Instagram, Ed Heads? I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay? They're fucking stupid. Yeah. Okay? I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to be a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. I don't understand it. I just don't. Do you understand we are in the situation we are in because woman ate the apple? It is woman's fucking problem.

Fuck. Give me back my fucking rib and go back to where the fuck you came from. All right. Are you attracted to this thing? Is that like George Washington or is it like a skeleton? Is it a sex doll? Is it his mom? I think he's a collector. Is it like taxidermy? What is that? I think it's a skeleton with the American flag. Yeah, it's a skeleton dressed up for July 4th. A skeleton? Yes, that's what it is.

Yes, he's working. No, we're not. I'm not. Sorry, can't speak for Raina. You're not attracted. This is horrifying. Raina, I feel like you're the curveball here. No, I mean, I feel like this is... Listen. How is John still... Was it John? John is still in the lead. Isn't that wild? Yeah.

I'm looking for girls. He's leading right now. This guy's a caveman, like fully. He really does look like one. I have an argument in favor of the caveman. I'd love to hear it. Okay. He's just been like shit on by women. He just needs a girl. It's our fault. No, no, no. It's clearly his mental illness. But if you could just be nice to him, I think it would just...

Now, eventually, you might have to do a lot of sex with him. I see that. He's like an angry internet commenter. Yeah. Someone just like, you know, nice one. He's very hurt. Yeah. Right? He's very hurt. He's very damaged. It's clear. Yes. Yeah, that he's been. Totally. I'm not going to sleep with him. No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to. I do think he deserves some kindness from somebody. His mom was mean to him. Yeah, definitely. For sure. For sure. And he's just like.

I don't know. He's tired of not getting any attention or affection, I think. You just have to hug him. Yeah. I would never. And then he comes. Someone else can do that. He's real. Come hugs. Do you think he has sex with a skeleton? Probably. He probably flucks everything in the apartment. I feel like no one cares as much as me as what that is. I care very... I said as soon as it started, is that what George Washington did to me? Two more. Two more. Okay. Okay, I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere. Now...

I'd like to have some right on my lips. I would like to have some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex. I'd like to have a woman in my home. I hate him so much. I can't. I'd rather listen to the cave guy. I'd like one of these young men or these little boys. There you go. They get their cells off and then, oops, they don't care about their partner. Yeah, Ashley's...

Last lady 10, 15 times before I even went boom once. What do you think of that? You look turned on. These people feel so like they're like, they're sex offenders. Are these people going to watch this and see me laughing at them and come after me? Your face was amazing. I wish we had immediate playback. And she was like. Okay.

Oh, you're okay. No, he's so sick. Is this someone's dad? You know what I mean? What if that was your dad? Now, in his defense. Oh, my dad's not this creepy. In his defense. My dad's handsome. You can see in the reflection, he's watching Rachel Maddow. He's progressive. He's informed. Oh, wait, is he? Yeah. He likes Rachel Maddow. I'm a little...

feel a little better about it now. There you go. I would expect to see like Tucker Carlson. Now, his message though, I feel like his message, you know, a little crude the way it's said, but he does make the point, I'm not like these young boys who are just interested in getting themselves off. Last lady I was with 10 to 15 times. Who cares? That's what vibrators are for. Like, rather than this. So there's this guy that's like kind of been...

I don't feel threatened, but he's been like after me for how many years? Jesus Christ. Well, they're dating now. That's her boyfriend. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. So he's been sending me love letters and DMing me. He's come to shows. And he, one time he came to a show and he brought me this like jewelry box and it opened it up and it was a room key. And he was like, I want to eat your ass tonight. It was wild. So he's like, I hope this video doesn't scare you. Okay. He's like written letters to our joint email. Raina's read them. It's so mortifying. And he's just like,

He has a lot of female comic crushes, too. I think he's done this to Nikki and some other girls. And he's always in the comments. And he's super supportive. At first glance, you're like, wow. And then it gets deeper. And the letters are a lot about, I'll make you come over and over. It's just the same energy of, I'm a giver. And give me a chance. And it's beyond creepy. This guy is not as creepy to me as the other. This guy just seems like an older guy that's like, I do want some nookie. I want some titties. When the tone in their voice changes, I like...

Can't handle it. You don't like when they do that. Oh, my God. Did you see her? Ashley was just completely closed off to you, Tom. Can you stop, though? Yeah. I don't like, kind of. He also holds the phone too close to his face. Of course. God. It's giving your age. Like, if he just moved it away a little bit, it'd be less crazy. Oh, you don't think that's a good angle? Like, why can't anybody write to this show hold the phone at a normal angle? That it's funny. It's just like.

Just like, they can't, they have short arms. Everybody has short arms. Put it in the holder. Get one of those arms. And also, too, I don't like when they drop any sort of courtship etiquette. It's like, I've tried being nice, and now I'm just going to put it out there. That is what he's doing, right? Stop dropping courtship. Women like courtship. This is what dudes respond to. Exactly. Gay guys. Which is why guys are the fucking best. Because we...

You usually wear a man sometimes. Yeah, I cut the shit. Oh, here's some roses. Go fuck yourself. It's like my cock. Butt stuff. Yeah. Oh, I'll make you come. All right. I hate it. Isn't that horrible? Oh, bullshit. You're turned on. That never works. Who, who?

Okay. Hold on. I got this. The grand finale? Yeah, the grand finale is ready. And the yellow lenses, like, you know, because I have the same ones. I know. He kind of looks like Christina. Wait a minute. Is he wearing my glasses? In a way, you could say there's a perfect match here. Hey!

Somebody meme that. So you've seen very cool guys. Yeah. This is the coolest? Well, I just tried to give you a full platter of different types. Buffet, yeah. Yes, the buffet. You had John, who's not going to do much. You sit on his face. Right. Easy money. You had this guy, the I'll make you come guy. Daddy. Don't forget Daddy. I don't need a recap. I remember them all very clearly. We'll never forget them. They're burning in my brain forever.

Well, here's the last one. And don't forget, we really would like some breakdown of who's the worst, who's the best. Okay. Okay, here we go. You got to rank them. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday. Ashley is smitten so far. One of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful it was.

You are to me. Raina Smitten. I don't mind a Staten Island king. You're gorgeous. You're precious. But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. Please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there. And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody and you go on dates and nothing compares to your ex. But there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you it is me.

I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, after you experience me, you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is. Open up your heart to me in your arms. I'm still going.

Let's go full throttle. I could see me falling in love with you. With you? I don't know. I just look in your eyes and I just melt. They met yesterday? Yeah. Anyhow, I'm heading off to work. This is my cute little home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Every square inch from crown molding to chair rail to floors to lighting to plumbing. I'm into it. Yeah. Doors, windows. Manly. So this is the type of guy you get. I'm a very handy guy. And I'd love to build you whatever you want.

You're a sweetheart. So I hope this video doesn't scare you. I just want you to know that. Okay? I look forward to going out to dinner with you. So let's make it happen.

Ciao, baby. Ciao, baby. There you go. So did this... Sorry, did these come to you guys? No. Okay. But like who's... Julia just was like, fuck this guy. Let's put this on the internet. Yes. So what happened was... The Julia question is actually very interesting because we ended up meeting Julia and learning the story behind it. It's a whole saga. So this, yeah, this is actually a whole saga. So...

This one came because this guy was going to the same gym as Julia. Okay. And he saw her at sign-in, so he knew that her name was Julia. And then when she walked out of the gym, he followed her and just, that's the only interaction they've had, is in the parking lot of the gym. And he just spoke to her and she was polite to him. And as he was having a conversation with her, he was like, can I get your number? And she said, how about I get your number?

Okay. So he put his number in her phone and then hit call so that he had now her number. Okay. So that was their only interaction. That changes this for me. And the next morning, this video was in her text, you know, like an unsolicited text from this guy who's saying, good morning. It was great to meet you yesterday. I'm going to change my life and I'm going to fall in love with you and all this stuff. She then showed her friends this video and her friends were like, oh my God. And then...

They are the ones that had it, that made it circulate. And they, you know, they had fun with it and they kind of were like asking him for more video. He did a couple more videos, you know. Well, how did he know about her ex? See, I'm half asleep on the couch. Disappointed. You got me wrapped around your finger. Cute. But that's all you're getting. I'm exhausted.

He's DeLulu. Okay, I actually, I don't hate a guy that goes out on a limb and tries to be nice because I was waiting for him to say something disgusting or a horrid but her body or like, I just want to suck on your pussy lips and he like didn't and I was like,

And I think this guy was trying to be like chivalrous and go out on a limb. He was. He was. If it was a two minute video, like I think a 10 second thing could be, it would still give me the ick, but it would be more normal. Yeah. Hey, nice to meet you. This is my house. Everybody getting here. I built it. Look how manly I am. I'm gonna build you something, sweetheart. Yeah. Yeah. And I, it's not for me, but it could be for some people. There you go. Yeah. Ashley?

It's just so delusional. It's so much. I'm already doing the mental gymnastics of the other four. I don't know how to compare. It's tough, right? It's still John for me. Look at that, John. If you're going to Missouri soon, you might have yourself a little situation. John captivated you hot. You guys started too strong. You started with the winner. Ashley likes to sit on people's

and all that. He looks like he can't run after you if you try to leave. So he's really breathing heavily like he's not running after you. What if he's amazing with his mouth? He probably is. You can't sit on that guy's face. He's going to suffocate him. John doesn't have much longer left. Which also is a plus. Should we tell them the thing now? All these guys are dead. No, they're fine.

I would change how I talked about them to be completely honest. Oh, yeah. I say meaner, actually, because I'm afraid some of them are going to come after us. But what do you think a morning Julia guy is like in bed? Which one? This guy. Is he super earnest? I bet he's giving such small penis. Ooh.

I just feel like this guy, not to body shame, but don't you feel like he's got the tiniest little dick? You get that from this. I don't know what it is about it. It's nothing special, if it's anything. It's not large. He's not endowed well. The whole thing is small dick energy. The whole vibe. That's really interesting. No one's ever said that before. That is a first. That is true. Like this desperation. Desperation. Like if this guy's slaying in some horse cock, he's not sending this video.

I also feel like I've always felt this about, I have empathy for the, cause I've always felt that everyone, especially every guy can relate to the feeling of wanting to send this video. Right. But then you go like, Oh yeah, don't send this video. Like, you know what I mean? Like you of saying like, I met someone, Oh my God. And then you go, your, your, your mind self corrects it and goes like, don't tell somebody that, you know, this, it,

I guess it changed when I realized he met her the day before. The day before. One time. In a parking lot. If they'd been dating a little bit of time. No, that's totally different. Totally different. Yeah. No, this is premature. Also, if he was hotter. Well, they could change things. Hotness does take away a lot of things. The goatee is something else. It's such a decision. Yeah. Also, if I just watched you do something cool, like win a football game or a wrestling match. She's so into this. That's crazy.

This guy probably played Pop Warner football. I think he's been Pop Warner. Yeah. Yeah. He probably did play football in fourth grade. Yes. I also know who this guy is. He's like from Staten Island. All of his friends are married with kids. He's like the weird Uncle Greg that like hangs out with people but like never has a girlfriend. He doesn't bring anything to the party with him. People are like, I don't really want him around.

him around but we've known him a long time yeah yeah that is his guy totally he's like a little weird with everyone's kids he like wants to be a dad so bad not like creepy but he's just like weird i want to take him home and you're like but just now i feel like i gotta i want to show you a couple more yeah okay wow we're still with number one hello excuse me can i talk to you please girl

He's too bald. Still not a blank, by the way.

Is he on the highway? Side of the road, yeah. Starts off good.

and grip my hands on your thighs, baby, and rub it up and down. Very specific. It's like, he's like a rapper towards the end. I like how he purses his lips in between his sentence. He punctuates each sentence. Yeah. With the duck face. And it started off

Yeah.

I also feel like his, I feel like there's famous people in the world that are like this. Like, I feel like that there are like people out there that are like rappers. Like, I don't want to say pit bull, but like that energy and they're, this is their true self. He wears a Mercedes. You know, famous people are so weird. Medallion. Yes. Like that army hammer. Yeah. That guy that was eating women. I had a friend that just hooked up with him. Stop recently. Yeah.

What do you mean? I don't want to say too much. Please do. Say it. Yeah. She said it was amazing sex. And that doc is crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. I thought he was in like the Caribbean being a landlord. He was in town.

Now, without giving away too much, though, did he go back to his old ways? He did a lot of what I think is in the doc, like the love bombing up top. You know what I mean? And she just, I don't want to say she fell for it. She knew what was happening. But he's hot and made her come. And she was just like, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll be the fifth part of the doc. Yeah.

But she, she met him and then she went home and watched the doc. She just wanted to brush up. Yeah. What did she think of him after that though? Cause it's a terrifying thing to watch. I know. I think she knew already. It was like to self correct. I think she was trying to like not have a crush. She was like, let me just watch this. And she was like, I don't know. She's so lucky. Maybe come like if ever,

guy you met there was a documentary about him you could go brush up about him that'd be so good I think it is I think it's called Instagram I think he's trying to get his life back you know I think he is he's yeah he lives in like wherever the Caymans or something like that but yeah he's gonna be a creeper until he yeah

Yeah. He's wired a certain way. There's just no way. She asked him about it. Yeah. He explained. He was just like, you know, obviously I don't want to eat bones and stuff. Just the flesh. It was the closeness. When I get the flesh, not the bone. You just want to sever your tits off. What's the big deal? Stupid bitch. It's just dirty talk. You're not going to do it. Yeah. You did not mind it. I did not mind it. When he did it to you? No. I've listened to those voicemails, though. They're kind of hot. Okay.

Listen, I sometimes, I listen to the voicemails once or twice and close my eyes and after. Wow. You're a sick fuck. You're the sickest person we've had on the show by far. You're sicker than all of his girls. Holy shit. I think it's true. Damn, dude. I like his, he's a very deep voice and it's just like. He's got a great voice and he's handsome. He's very handsome. I'm going to tie you to the bed.

and you're not going to be able to move. I love that shit. I don't know. But you got to separate him from the actions. Yeah. Like, do you just kind of divorce him from who he is? See, I haven't watched the doc. I,

So it's pretty bad, right? Like all of it, right? Okay. I guess I don't know. It's pretty bad. I think I know just like the top level stuff. He's real nutty. So the voicemails, by the way, came out like day one. This was long before like tons of women came forward and said he sexually assaulted me. Yeah, yeah. That's in the doc. This was very early on. Oh, I guess I...

I'm not trying to I guess I kind of forget all of the details no no be who you are it's what you like that's cool yeah I'm just saying day one voicemails I was into it once you got a little more information I divorced myself from the situation sure sure because there is something really captivating and turning on if that's a word where a guy wants to consume you you're like yeah you're that into me you just want to fuck in my body yeah you're like you want to yeah

You want to eat me and then digest me and shit me out? Like, yeah, that's hot. I don't think he got that far. Tom, would you eat me and shit me out? I mean, yeah. Yeah. Love to. Can't wait to use the Toto washlet to spray you off my ass cheeks.

Do you guys feel like this guy is just, he's too bald. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It is. It's shiny. Deeply bald. It's really shiny, yes. He's waxed his head and he shaves that every day. Another goatee. I love him. I love him. His name is Glendale Gary. I mean, I don't know. I got a soft spot for him maybe because he's an Angeleno. You guys could actually meet this guy. Does he have a flat tire? Like, what is going on?

Why is it on the side of the road? He just makes videos when he feels inspired. It just happened to be right then. He's like, I got to pull over and shoot this right now. A forever young years girl. He's like, I'm waiting for AAA girl. Sometimes he's like, yeah, in the car. He's like, you like this Mercedes Benz? At first glance, he was giving the Greek driver that I fucked.

you know like at first which Greek driver I fucked our driver in Greece it was just but he kind of had that like your Uber driver or a guy you he was like the driver the hired driver oh that's fine good looking guy yeah he actually also drove a Mercedes much like a Sprinter van it was a van it was a 16 passenger van I think I've had that guy when I was in Greece you guys get it nice guy yeah he was really fucking very handsome Giannis yes you know him I know him they share necklaces hey how y'all doing baby girl oh my god this one

It's the one tooth for me. What? Oh, yes. I'm coming to get that booty. And look, I want to lick them drawers. Ay-yi-yi!

He's very romantic. He wants to eat you and shit you out. Yeah, baby. And I want your feet too. You understand? Yeah, look. I want to dig in your booty.

That's some kush kush. I actually like it. Y'all know what's a banana split? You know what a banana split is? No. Well, we're going to use your booty. There you go. I'm going to hit the... I got to break it in half.

You understand? I feel sick. And put some corn chips, smash that up there. What is he doing? He's got a pen. All right, I don't think you guys are turned on. He's a little old for me. He's older. That's the deterrent? It's not cute.

Of all the other stuff. His teeth kind of remind me of my dog. Doesn't have great teeth. Neither does he. Some people have the gift with their teeth and some don't. So his age is initially the thing. That's the front runner of the problems for Ashley. This guy...

30 years ago? Maybe. Hey! Guys, please. Full mouth of teeth? 30 years ago? Right. He probably wasn't wearing his hat sideways. This guy, if he was a different person? Maybe. Right. But are we still going with John? Is he the leader then? It's John for you? The first guy? The first guy? If the gun to my head had to do it. Wow. I also just like, they all just seem off. Yeah. Can I tell you something? You're spot on. Yeah.

We didn't give you a bunch of fucking tens. Is it just me? Or are these guys kind of weird? She's like, these guys are not cool. Did anybody else in the room realize this? Wait, where are the hot cool guys? What's the segment? This is it. This is who you get.

Welcome to YMA. This is who you're getting. Okay. I met like a messenger. Like deranged. Like John just seemed like the least deranged. I think John is schizophrenic. Oh. Okay. Definitely.

Crush my dreams, why don't you? I built a Ferris wheel out of beef jerky. You're right. So he's delusional. He's definitely enjoying his own thoughts. But they were right that he's not going to chase you. He can't. He can't. You know what I mean? You can sit on his face for a moment and then take off. The problem with Unc Shine is if you give him just a little something, this guy is going to be at your front door. This guy or the guy before? Like a stray cat. This one. When you feed a stray cat,

Right. You give him a little bit of nookie, he's going to be all up in your asshole. Okay. The guy before that, if I could convince him to have like a three day shadow on his head. Which one? Oh, the Glendale Gary. Yeah. And like grow a beard instead of a goatee. And I got to look at the shade of pink that his penis is. Pink penis. Pink is a crazy thing to call out. It's a pig dick. Yeah. Pink. It's disgusting. We love pink.

It's not in my penises right vibrators are pink, but how pink right it's how pink that you had to call out that it's pink Don't you like there is another? Oh see he has a beard here. He's got a beard already improving yeah He's got a suspended license Toxic little toxic

He's kind of tall. I like his outfit. Yeah. He's also giving like Andrew Tate. Yes. He has the most manicured face hair. I got a respect for the line.

So he was clearly manic in the other one. And this is the depressive. Do you think he filmed that while he was waiting for the... He was in a manic episode. I think you're right, actually. Yeah, and now this is the opposite of the manic. I didn't think that we'd get there. You said your thing is they have to be six feet, right? I like tall guys. I like big, masculine men. You like to feel small. I mean, I always feel small because I am a tiny little person. But what if it's a great dude, a great dude, you meet him, and he's 5'8". Your ex wasn't big. You're like, hell no.

5'10". He's close enough. But he wasn't jacked. He wasn't what? What makes him great. No, I'm saying he has a bunch of other great qualities that you like, whatever that might be. Sure, a funny guy. Yeah, there's all these things that you enjoy. Smart, fucks well. Yeah, great. But he's 5'7 1⁄2". You're like, nah, no.

I mean, it's not my dream. Like, I think we all have a dream of like, if I can build a person. That's just a build a person fantasy though. That's why I think dating apps aren't really for me. They're not my favorite thing because I just, I would never swipe yes on somebody like that. But if they walked up to me in a bar and that was the coolest, funniest person, then I wouldn't be like, ew, girl's gonna be a plus. Yeah, right. He's still fucking seven and a half inches taller than you. Right.

Right. Like he's still. I know. I don't get it. Yeah. Some short kings are lovely. I've dated short kings. I like them. I like dated. I mean, I'm 5'10". And I used to like hook up with this basketball player in college who was 6'9". And I was like, this is too tall for me. Like. Yeah. So that's your height difference. Like I was like, this is. I'm straight in my neck. Like this is too big. Too tall. I like a big guy. Yeah.

Like a foot taller. That guy's fucking weird tall. Like that guy's. He was our basketball center. But I'm saying that's freaky tall. But I'm just saying the height comparison of her height to his height. A foot taller to me was like so bizarre. Part of you is like, hey man, are you a monster? You're fucking 6'9". He had a monster. I'm sure. People that dick out, I was like, it tumbled out. I was just like, what? It tumbled. Like a slinky went on the stairs. Yeah. I was just like, we can just cuddle. That's not. I can't. I'm not doing that. Can you give me some idea? Yeah.

Let's put it this way. I was blessed enough to meet my husband early in life, so I don't have a ton of dick range. What's a tumbler for you? Can you give me a hand reference? Show me with your hands. What is that? It's probably 10 inches. Is it the liquid death can? Well, it was just the biggest dick I ever saw. Is it a liquid death can? It was in proportion to his body. Here's the thing that I would talk about sometimes on stage is like,

Huge dudes because I heard some NFL players talk about this like they have a normal sized dick But it looks so small in comparison like it was um, it was some NFL player was like I have a decent dick But it looks like you hung the Mona Lisa and the Hoover Dam. It's just like not impressive enormous Yeah, but his dick as at 6:9 at this huge dude was like proportionate to his body I mean with a measuring stick. I mean, what is the biggest dick in the world me? They can is it the girth wise? It was longer than the can

This girth is crazy. Yeah, not this. No way. Come on. No, no, no. It's not. It's not. That's not a thing. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like it was probably girthy and it was and so long. Yeah. I just think so many. It was shocking. A huge dick. And I don't profess to want that. I didn't. I was like, I can't. I'm not taking that. You did. I didn't. Oh, you didn't. No, I didn't. Oh, I was just like, we can just like fake out. Oh, I was like, I don't. I've never seen something.

I don't want to be in pain while I'm having sex. See how lucky you got? How long have you guys been together? 45 years. Wow, that long. And you're still doing butt stuff, maybe. Please. And every woman that we ever on stage or off meet, she's like, what's his dick like? Could you give me some specs on that?

Every guy. She's like, how's that dick? Can I tell you what? I'm going to start a new podcast called Dick Chat. I could talk about dicks forever. Dicks are insane to me. The way they change by the day. Yeah, they do. They have different days. They're different sizes by the day. It's crazy to me. We have good days and bad days, too. You know, girls are like, I'm having a good hair day. My boyfriend talks about this. Heavy dick day, light dick day. I'm like, is that the same dick from last night? This dick looks

stuff so different, so bigger. Yeah, his dick changes. The way they grow. Here's what I always say too. I always say this to women. If they ever saw my dick and they thought it was small, I would always tell them, by the way, it gets smaller. Like it...

I've seen this thing where I'm like, it looks like a toddler's dick. Whenever you go to, for some reason, whenever you walk into like a medical facility, if you're getting a physical, your dick like just like hides. It hides on top of your balls. And it's like, can anyone see me? It's so small. It's so wild. Yeah, it's so wild. And then there's days where it's just like you yourself see it and you're like, wow, this thing's like flapping around today. Totally. Yeah. I love talking about it. Me too. Like I'll ask my boyfriend, like, what's your dick like today?

Or even ball chat. We could do dick talk and then ball chat. I love this idea. I neglect the balls completely. I love balls. I love balls.

So say we could talk about balls and dicks all day? Can you teach me what you love about them? You think fucking Batista's gonna take this shit? I'll do anything he wants, okay? I hope he listens to this podcast. I am here for him. Any hole. You hear that, Dave? Any body part. Because balls can range, too, much like the deep. Do you ever see them breathe? And they just have a brain? They like move around? Fucking fascinating. But some guys...

I always just ask, like, do you care about balls or not? Because I'll get down there. But sometimes guys are like, I'd rather, I don't care. I've never had a request for it. Never? No one's ever requested it. Are you hooking up with chicks?

What do you do with balls? That's just so far out of my league. Well, from what I... The only thing that I... Well, there's basically three types. I feel like there's people who are like, don't touch my balls. Don't touch at all. Okay. Then there's like light... I like light stuff, right? What's a light? Like tongue or finger? I'm saying anything. I just like... They're sensitive. I still enjoy it. I like to do like stress balls. Yeah, I like it. And then there's like these dudes who like...

aggressiveness on their balls where I'm like, I'm out. That is crazy. I hooked up with one guy that wanted me to do that. He was on so much coke. And he was like, pull harder. He made me pull on them. And I was like, I'm gonna really hurt you. To each their own, but that shit is... Only to me because for me, I'd be like, I'm gonna throw up. Like, that's gonna hurt so bad. Didn't he want you to like, put stockings around him? A different guy wanted me to tie stockings around his balls and like, really like, step on them. This is your dream. Love it. I love these videos.

I love these videos where there's these Japanese women. You're the most fucked up person on this show now. Thank you. What is it, Brazilian, where she's kicking the guy in the balls? No, that was like an Uruguayan accent. She was like, I could do that for a living. She was like kicking him and there was blood pouring out and it was...

it was not a cheat kind of shot. It was real. She was pulling aggressive, stepping on the heels. I'm real dark-sided, you guys. Like, if I had to make a living and have kids or whatever, I could do the dominatrix thing hands down. I could see that. Pee on them in their mouth. Well, you don't have to have sex.

with them either. You don't have to. That's part of it. That's the best part. You tell them keep dreaming. That's the best part. And you just kick them in the nuts if they want. Clean my house, pig. Pee on them. Easy. The pee stuff is crazy. We had a guest on our podcast too. She dabbled in that for a little bit. Guys that really want to be peed on like drink your pee and all that stuff. Easy. I got the pee. You want the pee? Have the pee. Right.

Also, every time I take off my underwear at the end of the day, I'm like, oh, money, money in the trash. I could be selling these. That's another easy money. Why aren't you girls selling your panties? Listen, you could. Why not? I have two children. So what? Where do you do it? I thought about this with foot stuff, too. I'm like, I'll sell this stuff. But where? You just log in. You create an account. Or create an OnlyFans or something. I don't want to go down that road. Why? Why?

They're already successful. No, I know, but I'm saying, but that's the thing. OnlyFans now, though, has like, there's like superstars who are doing completely non-sexual stuff. I would just do feet stuff. Easy. She has pretty feet. I have really ugly feet. Yeah, but your feet are, somebody, your feet are specific. And I feel like there's people out there that really want what you got. See, that's what we discovered on this show. We just said that. Is that there's a guy out there for everything you hate about yourself. Some guy thinks it's,

The hottest thing that's ever happened. That's true. So women, we're so hard on ourselves and it's like, don't worry about it. That thing you hate, some guy is just, Jane is so hard to it right now. You guys should start your foot pages today. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Hey, what is the, what is the, what's the live show like? Cause I'm like, I want to know it. You know, you're doing one here tonight, but like, what is your guys live show? What happens at it?

They're wild. They are not sit down. We don't record them and release them. Like they're just a circus. Like we open with, we typically have like an NFL or NBA drum line or cheerleaders. And we have like cryo jets and t-shirt cannons and strippers and like insane stuff. Tons of audience participation. Like we, we share stuff we don't share on the podcast. We tell stories and things like that, but it's a lot of audience content.

coming up. We've recently had... They come up on stage? We've had people come up on stage. And one thing, I'll just say it because it's like my favorite thing we've been doing. And I like it to be a surprise, but whatever. You know, we're all family here. So we used to have a bunch of male strippers and they would come out. We would do group performances, sometimes Magic Mike style. Sometimes they would like dance on Raina and whatnot. And I was like, let's try something a little bit different. Let's like not do the strippers for the show. And instead...

see if people will send their boyfriends and husbands on stage to like win vibrators to like, you know, take back. And I was like, are guys going to do this? You know, it was like we were at the Apollo in New York. I was like, are they going to come up? And we like just tried it. And men like brush the stage. We've had to like send them away. We will get eight to 10 regular dudes. And then we play a song for each of them. I just like kind of like suss them out. I'm like, he's going to be like a pony guy or he's going to be, you know,

buttons by putting... We give them stripper names. They take their clothes off. They dance with each other. It's a fun time. The crowd goes wild for that more than the strippers because you don't see it coming. There's these dads up there. They get khakis on. They're just like, woo! It's wild stuff. Yeah, you're letting them let loose. Yeah, they're the place to be wild. We have talent shows. We had one girl...

spray breast milk in the crowd. We have some queef on demand. We have had like singers, dancers. And we do a new show for every city. So we ask for like audience. We tell them to send emails about the craziest shit you have going on with your friends, your man, the people you're bringing. And it turns into these just like really insane experiences. It's just tailored to every city. Sure. How fun. They're wild. It's really fun.

They've just gotten bigger and better over the years. We're like, how can we make this feel even more rock star with the CO2 and the t-shirt cans and all this stuff? Yeah, you're raising the value of the ticket. There's production value. There's entertainment. It's fun, and it's a good time. Super fun. Look, we're big fans. Thank you for coming in. Thanks for having us. It's so fun.

Haven't yet listened, you've got to check out Girls Gotta Eat podcast. See them on tour. They're currently doing the Girls Gotta Eat Snack City tour. And of course, you can get yourself a sex toy. Their sex toy company is called Vibes Only. Is there anything else you want to play? Do you want me to give you the toys? Of course. And we have blowjob gel. Are you blowjob? Do you do blowjob? I mean, I've had them for how many years? Yeah. Like regularly.

I mean, you can always do more. All right, so we brought you guys three things. Thanks, buddy. You, YMH Studios, this is the first time we've ever given this to anybody except for yesterday. What? Let's open it. So that is the Allison. It's a vibrating rabbit. And then this is a butt plug. Thank you. Jesus Christ. That's what we've been waiting for. And there's an app. If you're long distance with your partner or your partner travels a lot, you can use the remote control long distance. Let's do that one, babe. You can control each other's.

And we brought you a blowjob, gel blowjob pumpkin spice flavor. Pumpkin spice for fall. Maybe if you could send a gallon of that to the house, that would be nice. You could do that on your asshole too. Yeah, you sure can. Uh-huh. Maybe make it taste better. Pumpkin spice. Stop with the excuses. It is safe for, it's vulva safe, safe for all. This is nice packaging. Yeah, really nice. Here, mommy, you show me how it should look.

Really nice packaging. Oh, wow. That's beautiful. That's a nicey. Look at that. There you go. That goes right in your asshole, Tom. And then I can focus and I can clean my house. One in the pink, one in the stink. What a moment. This is really good. This is really high quality. Nice and soft. We spent a year perfecting it. We love it. Yeah, whatever you guys want to do with it. You're the first person to get this. Ashley and I are you. Thanks.

Is this to put on your keychain so you can carry it with you? There you go. Picking up the kids at school. I can see myself being hyper-focused when this is in, and then you're like, hmm, when it comes out. Yeah. That's not as big as I thought, a butt plug. We purposely made it a little smaller because we wanted it to be better girl-shaped. So literally, this one goes in your b-hole, and this one goes in your meows. No, that's the...

Oh, sorry. The clit. The top is for your clit. Whatever you want to do, though. No judgment. The top is for the clit. Do you know how many years it would take her to figure that out? It would be like 10 years from now. She's like, I've been putting this in my asshole for 10 years. I probably would have gone over there like, Tom!

This one goes in my ass. I'm not really enjoying it. Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? By the way. The shaft goes inside of your vagina. Be fair. I'm bigger than this fucking guy. Much bigger. No, no. This is bullshit. Come on. Compared to you, Tom. All right. You're not even going to feel that. No. Pussy's so loose. Well, I guess you can't put it in your asshole now. That's why she was like, this will go in my butthole. This won't fit in my pussy. It'll fall right out.

all right i really thought i got panicked i did i saw it and i was like wait how am i gonna fit that one in my rectum it's not a strap-on it's not a strap-on to be clear this is all real um thank you guys for coming thank you for having us see you again soon i can't wait all right bye guys thank you hello excuse me can i talk to you please girl

♪ 'Cause I'm tryna sweat, girl ♪ ♪ Kiss my neck, girl ♪ ♪ Pink and pink dick, girl ♪ ♪ Check it off, baby ♪ ♪ Rip my hands on your thighs ♪ ♪ Rip my hands on your thighs, baby ♪ ♪ Rub it up and down ♪ ♪ Kiss your neck and you're through, girl ♪ ♪ I'm tryna sweat, girl ♪ ♪ Kiss my pink dick ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm tryna sweat, girl ♪ ♪ Kiss my neck and pink dick, girl ♪ ♪ Check it off, baby ♪ ♪ While you're being baby ♪