Cool Guy Christmas w/ Mike Bridenstine | Your Mom's House Ep. 739
01:42:32 Share

- Hey Mark. - Hey Tom. - Thanks for coming. - Do you use a washcloth? - No. - Come on the face, is it good for the skin? - Absolutely not. - If it gets to the point where I have to take a shit on this thing, I'm hoping it explodes. - That's freak city. - Specifically for cleaning the ass. - I never thought of that. - Piss on me, beat me. - If I wore this to wake up my children, it would be immediate therapy.

A lot of men doing it is nothing to be ashamed of. This is awesome. What is awesome? I'm going to fucking puke. This is going to push you. Have you done some non-consensual ass play? So the whole family shared one bar of soap? Yeah, and you would put it in your ass? That's disgusting. Interesting. It's hard for me to not believe that racism's not involved with this. I'm Whitney. I'm Duncan. You also got really fucking dressed up. I'm so happy we actually got to connect. I'll try it out.

In case you missed it, you can stream 69 minutes now at ymhstudios.com. Did you hear people say Chicago a lot? Never once. I hoard it in the bedroom and I'll take it in our bedroom and just hide. All right. This is officially...

too much for this show. This is a heavy segment topic. By the way, people always used to tell me that we looked alike. All the time. Yeah. I used to hate it. Yeah. I don't hate it as much anymore. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, spend more.

Small more. Sotva luxury mattress, my absolute favorite mattress I sleep on every night. My guests sleep on them. My children sleep on Sotva mattresses. That's how much I love this company. We bought our first Sotva mattress about 15 years ago. We bought a king size luxury firm because we wanted to get a huge,

Quality mattress for a fraction of the cost. And that's what you get at Sotva Mattress Company. Everything is made in the United States of America. They don't have a retail store. So instead you have the mattress delivered to your home. You try it out for like 90 days. If you don't like it, they'll take it back. No harm. There's no risk.

You may as well get the mattress of your dreams for a fraction of the cost. And right now, if you go to sattva.com slash the shit, you get $200 off your next sattva purchase. Again, sattva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next sattva purchase. Trot out. Welcome.

Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Your Mom's House. It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmass. Also, huge, huge shout out to everybody who joined us for 69 minutes. We're all very, very thankful and we're still celebrating. And yeah, if you haven't yet seen it, go to ymhstudios.com and you can watch it over and over again.

with your ticket until December 29th, I believe, so you can just keep watching it and share it, tell your friends. A lot of people worked really hard on it. I hope you enjoy it. Jean, where are you going to be? I know you have dates. Where are you going to be? Well, first of all... Jesus Christ. I just want you guys to know I'm just hitting limited cities because you, my friend, are going to be going everywhere. Not so much, though. No? No, no, no. You're going to come... I'm not coming so much. I'm...

No, I counted dates. Like if you look at the month, you count the month, it's like one month there's six shows. One month there's eight shows. It's nothing insane like last time. Good. You don't want to do that. There's no Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday weeks like last time. It's literally weekend shows. That was a horrible year. A couple years for our family, for your health, for everything. So I'm glad you're not doing that because I like having you. Yeah, thank you. I like having life and a family and everything. Yeah, a family. It's cool.

Any hoodles, ChristinaPOnline.com. I'm finally, and I'm so pumped, spending more time in Canada, my birth country, renewing that Canadian passport. Nice. It's been real dope. I'll be doing Vancouver at the Vogue Theater. I'm sorry. February 16th. And then the next night I'll be in Meat Rattle, Washington. That's where I filmed, was it my first special, right? And then now I came back, I added an early show. I know.

Because we sold out very quickly. The early show, guess what? They were like, do you want to do a late show? I'm like, no, I want to do like a 5 p.m. An early show, yeah. And that's what I'm doing. And then I go to San Francisco, Palace of Fine Arts Theater, February 18th. Tickets are going fast. And then Jewdork Titties at the Gramercy where I filmed my second special. Amazing. March 23rd. Oh, kiddo.

And we added a show there too. And then Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, Comnetic Hunt, March 24th. Also, it is not too late.

To order your perfect red lipstick for the woman in your life for Christmas, you should do that, or for juniors, or wherever. And that's it. Machinipeonline.com. Yeah, there you go. Try it out. Try it out. I love that lipstick. Is this the new colors? Oh, I haven't even... Listen!

I mean, I'll tell you what, Christina P's Perfect Red did so well that I am adding three new colors. That's awesome. They won't be ready for a minute. We're working with Italy right now. Italy. In the atelier, and I'm adding, you'll see, oh, and now some of the time is right. Great. That's a deal, man. Yeah.

That's awesome. Where are you coming? Where am I coming? So you're coming, you're not coming everywhere. No, not really. It's totally, it's different. It really is. If you look at the tour, so I start, the tour starts actually officially in Hawaii, December 30th. And then it's Tokyo, Hong Kong, Singapore, then back to the States, Hawaii.

And then Corpus Christi, Albuquerque, Omaha. Then we go to Reading, PA. I think you mean Choma. You know, you're not even reading these places properly. I know. Hold on. Atlantic City, Hanover. It's already February, right? And then there's only a few dates. Then you do Portland, Maine. That's it for February. March, Manchester, New Hampshire.

Mohegan Sun, San Antonio, Dallas, Belton. Then it's Orlando, St. Augustine, Tampa, Hollywood. That's it for March. Then March is over. April, Salt Lake, Boise, Seattle, Portland, Oregon. Then Nashville, Charlotte, Raleigh, Atlanta, Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. People ask me, by the way, I feel like we say this every time we do tours.

how are you not doing this? And that's it. They're all going to be added. They're all, some of them are already booked. They just haven't been announced. You don't announce all of it at once. Cause it's crazy to announce like this is, Hey, here's the show next November, you know? So you just kind of, you do it in, in like, you know, segments. Can you scroll up again? What was that place called? Hanover. What would that one be? Man, Man Rover, Man Boner. Man Boner. I like that. Hand Man.

Oh, yeah. And then Bart and I are doing the MGM Grand Garden Arena on February 10th, the Saturday before the big game. You're not allowed to say what that game is. Yeah, you're not allowed to do that. That's trademarked. Yeah. And they're aggressive. Sure. Yeah. So you have to go. The big game is the next day when two of the final teams from professional football will compete.

Yeah. So silly. It's really crazy. They really go after you. Oh, and you're going to the other Portland. Yeah, I'm doing Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon. And I made that a point. I said, you better book me in both Portlands. You like them so much. Yep. I get you. Manchester, man. Manspreader? Yeah. Man, come on, Chester. Okay, so we can move on. Thanks a lot for doing that. Phallus, Texas. We know that one. Yeah. Okay. So, it's very exciting. How about...

Being that Christmas is just a few days away. Oh, my God. Jesus is almost gone. We do a nice, sweet opener. Yes, of course. It's in the Christmas spirit. Of course. Ready? Sure. Here we go. All I want for Christmas is Haley. Bye, Haley. I'm going to throw up.

I don't like that at all. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. What are you laughing at? That smile. I figure that's the last thing you see before you die. You look up and it's a guy going, Hi. Horrible, babe. I don't like it. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow. meow.

That is literally what a victim has been kept hostage. He's right, right before night, night. I agree. He goes, are you still in there? I hate him. And you look up and you're like, I hate him.

The only cool thing is, is that this is public knowledge so that when bodies do go missing, you know exactly. Like the FBI has already clocked this guy. Like he's already on so many lists, hopefully for weirdos.

That's the good thing about the interwebs. All the weirdos get on there and make themselves public. Yeah. I don't like him at all. And Haley doesn't like him either. Nobody fucking likes him. Well, I don't know. He has a group of girls in his bio that are his biggest fans. Okay. His name is Barry. Of course. Hi, Barry. You know what's interesting, though, about Barry's? Yeah. There's always...

This guy exists your whole life as a girl. He exists since you're in grade school and then in junior high school, Barry's there. But usually they end up being gay guys, right? Like from beginning, like the weird guy in my junior high, it was like a gay guy. He's like a feminine kind of weird guy. And they're like, oh, he's just gay. And then it goes to college and you're like, oh, okay. He's not so gay. He lives at home with his folks. Yeah.

He's on the spectrum. There's weird guys. There's weird guys everywhere. Weird guys everywhere. It's true. And the problem is, is women, you're nice to people and you just shouldn't be. Yeah. You just shouldn't be nice. Don't worry about him. He's fine. He's going to move on to some other girl. You got that down pat, by the way. Do I? Boy, do I. I've learned that from spending time with you. I'm going to credit the city of Los Angeles. Growing up in a major city like that, you learn everything.

real quick not to fucking talk to strangers you put the big sunglasses on nothing to see here don't fucking talk to me glasses don't even look at me and I you know I'd love to be nice to everybody but no thanks Tom Hanks I've seen it you have a real like who's this fucking thing going on yeah look at this drunk yeah you're always like yep you don't think the best of humanity no and also I would like to thank my Eastern European heritage for that as well yeah yeah

It's just also cultural. I believe you're taught to just have disdain for people. Nice part in your hair. Can I say, I'm so, I'm shocked you noticed. Why? I just thought you didn't, you would never notice and I didn't want to say anything to you and I can't believe you noticed. Yeah, I noticed. Thank you for noticing. Sure, yeah. Also, do you know how fucking retarded I am? Is that? Yes.

You want to hear how more retarded I am? Sure. Do you know that I've been side parting my hair since I was 15 years old? This is good. 15. Now, hold on. Yeah. So today I had a stylist come to do it and I go, gosh, I'd really like to try a hair part. And she goes, well, we can try it today. And I go, wait a minute. I don't.

have to do anything special like I don't have to recut it or do anything she's like no no we just part it I was like how does that work you mean to tell me I can just I could have just done this my whole life yeah how does it work how does moving all she does is she just she takes her comb and she makes a new part and then you just style it accordingly I thought I had to go get a whole new haircut because it's parted and cut differently you didn't know any of this how do you not know that like I told you I'm fucking retarded

I can talk about other things in the world. You want to talk about the aliens? I know all about that. No, I don't. You want to talk about some philosophy books? I know that. But for some reason, girl stuff, basic girl stuff. So you had no idea. I'm an idiot. Looks great. Thanks, pal. Do you think I should keep it? I don't know if I'll keep it. We'll see. Yeah, just see how it goes. It doesn't feel like me. It feels weird. It feels like it's pretty easy to change if you don't want to keep it. That's the good part. That's the good part. It feels like you could switch it up with a comb. Watch this. We're back. We're back. We're back. That's all it would take. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. I don't know. I thought there was a special procedure. Maybe I had to file paperwork with the Department of Hair Alliance. I know you think that this is a joke, but I am still going to, I will remain an advocate of you shaving your head for as long as you live. Yeah. You brought this up last night. Yeah. Why? I think it would look good. I think it would look good. I think, I honestly think the skull would look good, but a full head shave would look rad.

Seriously. I'm not opposed to it. I'd do it once in a while. I've had a mohawk. I did it as a teenager. I'm not afraid. Okay, then do it. You want me to do it? Yes. For what? What are you going to give me? Give you joy. You're going to feel joy when you do it. But what if my head's shaped funny? We'll find out. We'll find out. Yeah. Also, it grows back. It does grow back. I'm not so vain about that. You don't have my issue. What is your issue? It's not going to grow back. It's not going to grow back. Yeah.

I don't know. I might. I mean, it takes a few years before I would get hair again. It's fine. What's a few years? Can I tell you, I also don't like having super, super short hair because I feel it's disproportionate with my body because I have huge tits. So I can't, if I have a, I feel like I have a tiny little pinhead and then a huge tits. You have to balance. I mean, but you're a comedian. That's funny. Yeah.

I think so. I'm going to look like Nell Carter. Remember? She had a bald head and then huge fucking tits. That's funny, though. You're going to go on stage and people are like, look how funny she looks. It's great. Oh, man. All right. Shit, I might try it. Yeah, let's do it. You want to do it now? No. Okay. Not for the holiday. I don't want to look all scared of kids. Oh, there's always a reason not to do it. What about in the summertime? Summer? Perfect time for a head shave. Actually, it is a good time. Summer cuts. Yeah. You want to do like a dog cut? That's right.

These two boys in my elementary school, as Josh Potter would say, they would get summer cuts and their parents would shave their heads like dogs. And I felt so bad for those two boys. Could you imagine just shaving your kid's head for the summer? Like what is wrong with you? I used to love that though. What, shaving? Well, I just like the, if you had, when I had hair and it got to summer and you're like, oh, I can just buzz this all off. And it's so hot outside. It is like a relief.

Now you're talking about it. Now you're getting me to think about it. Yeah, it feels good. You're not going to be attracted to me when it's growing out. What are you talking about? It's not attractive. I love guys. Oh, yeah. That's kind of what I look like. Dude, do you know how cool that looks right there? I'm sure the rest of it. Oh, I know. I look kind of tight, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I'm kind of tough. Ben Franklin style. You know what I mean? Yeah. Genius. Yeah. I'm not afraid of it. You could open with a bit about Ben Franklin. Yeah.

I would like to tape a special soon though. With a skullet. And maybe in a year. That's not going to look good. Here's the thing. Do you know what your views, everyone will be like, have you seen this bitch? Bald as shit. With a skullet. Like they're going to be like, you broke all the view. Everyone will be like, you got to see this. This is maniac. Yeah. Can I do a mohawk? Yeah. Even better. No, I know. I like that one. Mohawk. Can I tell you my secret? But old school where you like really. No, that's what I like. Yeah.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

Thank you.

way to run your household, customized to your family's needs, and the easy way to raise financially smart kids. Get started with Greenlight today and get your first month free at greenlight.com slash Spotify. What I really want to look like, can you Google Cyndi Lauper time after time, the video? Can I get, would you be opposed to me seeing me with this haircut? This is my dream from when I was a little girl. See the checkerboard on the side? And she's got shaved hair.

She was so cool. That's what I want to look like. Really? Right there? Yeah, dude. She looks rad. She's cool as shit. I feel like she looks like she smells right there. No way. No? She don't smell. Cyndi Lauper never smells. Oh, I feel like there's a funk. I'm going to smell it through the screen. Stop. What? You don't think that's a stinky chick right there? She's tiny. She's petite. Petite people don't stink. Okay. Not tiny people. I've been with some stinky girls. That's some big fatsoes. I've been with some stinky little girls. They were just little stinkers.

Everybody in there knows what I'm talking about. Mayas? You guys have all been with fucking dirty bitches? Yeah, of course. Of course. Of course they have. You really luck out when you find a clean one. Most chicks are like, you're like, go wash yourself, you dirty little bitch. Are you being serious? I can't tell. Yeah.

And by the way, that's like every girl's worst nightmare. Being a stinky little bitch? Is having her cooch stink and then you guys talk about it. Because you're so sensitive about that. And then, oh my God, it's like if some girl that dated you is listening to this, she'll be like, oh my God, is it me? Yeah, it is. My pussy stinks? It is, you stinky little shit. Here's the good news, though.

Is that obviously guys don't care. No, they don't. Because he stinks. No, but it does like. They're all doing it. No, no. You don't. I mean, you're still, you're not going to like leave, but there is a thing where you're like, I guess I'm not going to go down much longer. You know, I'm not really into that. And you find your way back up.

I'm so glad I'm not a lesbian. How do you think lesbians deal with that all the time? But you deal with it too, with balls. Oh, it's disgusting. Stinky balls? All the time. All the time. Well, especially Mr. Fitness over here. I clean my nuts. Hey, what happened to Mr. Cold Plunge? Oh yeah, I haven't cold plunged. Oh yeah, where's that midlife crisis thing happening? Where is it? I'll do it today. Okay. I'll do it as soon as I get home. All right. Yeah, I was doing it in the mornings, you're right. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, how do lesbians, like, I think about it every now and then where I'm like, imagine, like, you always have to go down on a box. That's your primary thing. What's wrong with that? Because straight people, like, we have this lucky, like, plug and play thing. Oh, you can just switch it up. You just, like, plug in the parts and, like, you don't have to be...

Sometimes if you're not in the mood, even you can just plug a part in and then you done. Yeah. But to go down on somebody, I'm not saying that's all lesbians do. I understand there's other things they do with each other, but that's your primary thing. Yeah. All the time. That's exhausting. Maybe. But if, if you are just thrilled to always do it, then it's not.

All right. I guess so. Right. It just sounds labor intensive. I get it. Yeah. Or sometimes you're like, I just want my face involved right now. Right. Like what if you're feeling full?

You just took a Tums. I don't want to eat a box right now. But at that point, a finger or a toy. Right, right. I know. I know. Listen, I'm not an expert on lesbian sex. I just tell you my stupid brain. That's how I... For some reason, I have it dialed in because I'm very binary in my thinking. It's either or. I either have a side part or nothing. I just can't, you know? I'm very binary. Yeah. I'd like to see you in a lesbian relationship too. I would rather not.

Okay. You know, I was, the older I get, I was walking down the beach over Thanksgiving. Yeah. And I was looking at older ladies alone with their dogs. Yeah. Just walking kind of quiet. And I was like, this is, I get it.

Women, the older we are, we're sick of taking care of people. The kids, the husband, I'm sick of it. I just want to be alone with a dog. You know what I mean? Sure. I don't want to be a lesbian. I don't want to be anything. I bet I can show you somebody that'll make you change your mind. Maybe not about being a lesbian, but maybe getting back in the mix with things. Ready? Enter the dating pool again.

My homie Cabo hooking me up with her every fucking soon. Love her tits. I'll see you soon, baby. Gotta love when a homie pulls through, you know what I'm saying? I haven't even met this girl. But my homie's hooking me up, so we definitely fuck him when I meet her. But, yeah. I'm excited. I'm excited to actually meet her. You know, we can hang out, you know, shoot this shit for a while before, you know, we get down to business. That's how I roll with females, man.

I love it. I love this. You know what he reminds me of? He's got Tony John's vibes, ladies man. And then what's going on? It's Charles because it's a very awkward video. It's got a lot of that. But really it's got Tony John's vibes and you know, he's one of my favorite cold guys. Yep. Pretty cool. Hmm. Well, it's still going ready. And then I'll give you the big reveal.

How I get the hose is what it says, and he's... Uh-oh. He's flexing. He's backing up awkwardly. I think I know what the reveal is. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Gotta get the back to get her in the sack. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck?

He's got a good hair part, too, like you. The beast. The beast of Alaska. The beast of Alaska. Oh, it's Alaska. He's got great hair. Really incredible hair, right? Yes. I mean, the hair is just... Tremendous. Outstanding. Tremendous. He's got, you know, he takes care of himself. He's in shape, right? Sure. Very confident. We've seen this guy before. We've seen him before. You want to know where? Yeah.

Here's the video that we actually saw him on before on this show. Shut up, my dear.

Yeah.

Wow. That's him. Yeah. It all makes sense now. That's kind of cool, though. He's a little more subdued in the other video. Well, he's about to fuck. He knows it. He's a calm man. I'm getting hooked up with this bitch. I'm about to fuck her. Yeah. And here he's a little frustrated because somebody had the audacity to say, don't record me. A little amped up. He also has like, am I wrong? Like good skin? Really good skin. Eyebrows. Great mouth. Full eyebrows. Smooth chest. I got to say, man, whatever you're doing...

Looks great. Keep doing it. I thought you were going to say that he's a trans. I know you did. I know you did. No, no. How'd you know? Because I can just read you. May I tell you? So what gave that impression was that the chest up looked masculine, but then his body from below looked a little soft. I'm a goddamn man. Yeah. Feminine. Yeah. Yeah.

This is the... See, like the stomach? Yeah. And I was like, oh, maybe he's a trans person because... That room is... Yeah, that's what... What is that? That room is... I'll say this. The room's a disaster. Is that a cat? A cat play... A PlayStation for the cat? Yeah. And also for... Litter boxes out too. I've been this guy. Like I've been... That's how I met you. Yeah, with the mattress on the floor and everything. But to be fair, I was 21, 22. Sure.

I think as you get older, if your life becomes I fuck hoes and you're aging, you have to update the surrounding, right? Like the place has to be. For sure. If he wants to bring a lady back to his place. That's a horrible setup. First of all, I do think the cat litter. That's the only legitimate critique of you. Eddie, you're a cat guy. Is that a litter box that's just out in his room? It's not just a litter box. It's a litter box filled with shit. Yeah.

Let me tell you, that room smells like dog shit. It's horrible. I mean, that'll... Cat shit. Cat shit, yeah. The room full of cat shit smells... It's crazy. Here's the thing. There's nothing else worth criticizing you about. Literally. You are perfect in every sense of the word. But...

We've got to update your room, man. We've got to get something on the walls. You've got these bare walls. Put the cat box in the bathroom, right? There's like an orange light coming from something in the background. And there's just shit all over your floor. And yeah, you've got to empty the litter box. That is it. Once you do that, you are perfect. Flawless. Flawless.

It is Alaska, though. Yeah. He might be depressed because there's no sunshine. Yeah. Is that the noise guys make when they flex? That's his flexing noise. Yeah. He's a sweet guy. Oh, man. He's a cool guy. Yeah. I also love that he was like, this is the chick I'm going to, my friend hooked me up, we're definitely going to fuck. Yeah.

He's so sorry. Like there's no, she has no say in that. He's like, I'm fucking her. We definitely fuck him when I meet her. When I meet her. Yeah. Cool. Well, I would love to get an update from her. If there's any way to track her down. If anybody saw that photo. There's like 10 people in Alaska. Get her. If anybody saw this and knows who this is, please, for the love of God,

have this woman contact us. So presumptuous. I'm begging you. Yeah. He's like, we fucking soon. Love her tits. I'll say like, dude, bro. And also if you're her for that, for like somebody to use your photo. Yeah. But it was like, you see this person? Nice tits. I'll fuck you in a minute. It's so disrespectful. It's crazy. Oh Jesus, man. Merry Christmas, everybody. Jeez. It's so good.

I don't know, dude. No? It's just wild. I never kicked it with dudes like this, you know? Why not? Don't kick it with dudes. You want to see another cool guy for Christmas? Merry Christmas. Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.

open your eyes look up to the skies and see oh it hurts watching i'm just a poor boy all right dude i know exactly what's going on here i know exactly what's going on here he wants praise he he wants people to be like because there's people who can't

do any of that? And he's like, look what I can do. Look what I can do. This is look what I can do. It's like when your little boys are like, watch me do this. Yeah. You know, and I spit in a certain, you know, when they go like, I know he wants us to say, look at your incredible dental work. Yeah. Look at your teeth.

And look at those notes you can hit and the way you can do that. But here's the deal, man. All I can see is how hard it is for him to sing like that. We're huge fans of Chaney Crabb. You know the singer. She sings that hardcore. That's a professional, man. This is, look. No, that's a pro. She gave us a tutorial. He's just going to ruin his body. Apparently he does this, though. He does a lot of...

song covers. I'm concerned for his vocal cords and his body. Yeah, I don't know if he does it a lot, but he's definitely hitting those notes. He's going to hurt himself. And he definitely looks really aggressive. Well, and he's got the prayer beads around his neck. I don't think he needs to meditate a little more. You don't think I can pull that off? What? Prayer beads, like as a look? I...

I can't wait for you to be a low T King. I've told you this. I can't wait for your levels to drop and you get into meditation and yoga with me. Let me tell you something. When the levels drop, the injections will go up. There's no fucking chance in hell. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, shit.

I want you to be like Sting. Maybe we turn vegan together in this next weird phase of our lives. I think you are a lesbian, if that's what you want. We move to Hawaii. Yeah? You don't want to do yoga retreats with me? I want to do different kind of stuff. I want to do this kind of shit right here.

That's why his dick and balls? Yeah. His phallus, he's hanging his whole body. It's always the Asians that are into this. Have you noticed that? The Asians are always into getting their nuts kicked, like the monks and stuff. Why are the Asians into doing stuff with their dick and balls so much? I don't know, man. It feels like you're tearing all kinds of stuff in there, though, right? Lingam. Yeah, Lingam's getting...

Ripped apart. I think it's a sign of virility and strength and dominance, and I like it. You do? We must bow down to our new Chinese lords. You like that? I do. I think it's hot. I think you should start working on this. Forget the cold plunge. I want you to start learning how to hang by your lingam. Ugh. Could you do that? That would fucking... I definitely can't handle that at all. First of all, I'm too girthy. There's not even a rope big enough to handle all this meat.

All right. No. Hell no. None of that appeals to me. No, this is insanity. I don't know why the Asians dig this shit so much, dude. I do feel like we do see a lot of Asians in it. They love it. They love having bricks putting their nuts and monks kicking nuts and pulling on the nuts. Okay, all right. They like to suffer. Even these...

These Tibetans, you ever see them? The monks, they go out and they put like a wet sheet on themselves naked in the middle of winter and they stay warm. They try to use their breath and their mind and stuff. To stay warm? They love to harm themselves, these Asians. This is what it's all about. The self fucking...

you know, harm. Yeah. They use their minds. Their minds are powerful, Tom. Yeah, that's true. That is actually the lesson in all this is your mind. Mind control. You can deal with a lot more than you think you can deal with, but they're just, they're, they're spitting on the West is what they're doing. That's right. Their dicks are spitting. He's pissing on you. He's saying, it's spit. It's not piss. Hey,

he's spitting through his dick look at you you fucking weak westerner you see me you see what I'm doing my whole body is hanging from my dong right now fuck your capitalism bitch yeah look at us we dominate you it's power dude it's strength do you know what the fuck they're doing they totally do Asians man they just are more advanced always can I I have something I'd like to bring up before we break for our guests okay

I wanted to eat, I hate even, do you have foods that you're embarrassed to eat and that you will only eat in private? That's how embarrassed you are that you eat them. I mean, yeah, yeah, I guess so. Like what? No, I just, I think, I feel like any real decadent indulgence is usually like a private one, right? I mean, that's what I'm saying. It's, it's like, this isn't good for you. You feel shame that like you're eating this.

bad treat it's usually not a public display usually sometimes it is so like a what a hot fudge brownie sundae would cause you to eat alone yeah anything like that yeah sweet treats sweet treats i'm trying to think of if there's anything where i'm like i don't want anyone seeing this oh my god okay i'm gonna tell you mine what i'm just i'm running through my head like what it is you know i'm trying to figure out tell you mine okay tell me yours

I hate even the fucking word. I hate the words. I fucking hate them and I'm embarrassed to say them out loud because it's disgusting. Yeah. I hate eating cottage cheese. I hate saying it. I hate eating it in front of people.

I like how it tastes. I love the texture. I love everything about it. And I'm so mortified to say it or eat it in front of people. Can I say, I brought it with me to eat today in the studio. Yeah. But as I was having my hair done, I was too embarrassed to take it out of my purse and eat it in front of another person. Can I tell you something? Good. I think it's revolting. It is. It's probably. It is. I had it once when I was like, I'll throw up. I'll throw the fuck up.

I'll puke all over this table. And I love it. You know what I like about it? You can make it a sweet treat. You can make it a savory treat. I don't want to talk about it. I love it. I don't want to talk about it. And I'll never eat it in front of another soul. I can't eat it in front of people. That, and I also feel very private about yogurt. I think yogurt's a private food. I love yogurt. I have yogurt every day. And can I, I honestly...

I kind of don't like watching you eat it. Really? I hate the way it leaves a trail on the spoon. Yeah. You know, and then there's a little bit of... And how did our boys get this from you or something? What? Where they're like, I hate the smell of yogurt. That's Ellis. I know, but he's like, stay over there. I can't even smell it. He hates yogurt. I know. It's so funny. I'm like, really? He goes, God. God.

I can smell it. I'm feeling sick right now. I'm like smelling yogurt. He hates it. He hates it. He has an aversion. Yeah, but then his brother imitates him. He's like, I hate yogurt too.

Okay, dude. He likes yogurt. Yeah. Liar. He calls it magic yogurt because they put strawberry jam in it and he gave it to him when he was sick. Give me a magic yogurt. Magic yogurt, yeah. But cottage cheese, it's the most, what is it? Can you just Google? Like, I don't understand. I almost killed him yesterday. I didn't tell you that. Which one? Our five-year-old. Why? He pulled my shirt like this. Oof.

He's being such a fucking asshole lately. I know. But that's like, I think my pet peeve with kids is a shirt. Of course. Or being physically harmed. Your shirt. I go, I go, if you fucking pull my shirt again, I'm going to knock your teeth out of your head. And he was like, he looked at me. He goes, you're joking, right? Yeah.

I go, yeah, I'm joking. I go, stop fucking pulling my shirt. I hate it too. You know what I hate? He's doing this thing now where he sings the Gypsy King song. Joby, Jabba. Okay, and then he comes up behind me and he puts one hand on one of my butt cheeks and goes, Joby, Jabba.

I'm like, stop this. I know. Okay, what is cottage cheese? Cottage cheese, sometimes called pot cheese, is creamed, acid-coagulated fresh cheese that is low in acidity and is washed during manufacture. Cottage cheese has a... Yeah, I know what it... But what is it? How is it made? It's... It's acid-coagulated fresh cheese. It's just cheese?

I am going to throw up if we keep talking about this. I'm telling you right now. And I'm going to puke right on your lap. Adding an acid to pasteurized milk, which causes a separation of the milk solids from the whey. Okay. Okay. Are we done? I love it. I love the texture. I just love it. It's hard to talk. But I won't eat it in front of a fucking living soul. It's like private. Or could you imagine sharing cottage cheese with somebody? Oh.

Like here, here's my spoon. I really hate it so much. Please stop.

It's my least favorite. It's actually my least favorite thing. I know. I would argue that cottage cheese is everybody's least favorite. How about in the gray? Isn't it the most revolting? This might be the most disgusting thing we've ever talked about on the show. Do you hate it? I hate it. I like it. Horrible. Of course Chad does. I like it, but I do eat it shamefully alone over the sink with nobody around. Thank you. Thank you, smart Chad. So fucking weird of weird fucking Chad to do.

I eat it privately or in the, I take, sometimes I hoard it in the bedroom and I'll take it in our bedroom and just hide. All right. This is officially too much for this show. This is a heavy segment topic. I don't want to ever talk about cottage cheese again and make a note of that.

All right, let's take a quick break. I'm so excited for our guest. And we're back and also back for the second time. He was just here with his new book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong. It's about the Chicago comedy scene from 1995 to 2009. It is Mike Bridenstine, everybody. Thank you. Thank you for having me back. You got a book. Tell Christina what you just told me. She wasn't there, but I've been on the show once before. I was on episode 28 of...

Is that Brian Redman's house? So this is like that British series of every 750...

Holy cow. You got to find out if any of the shit I was talking about in 2011 still happens. That was a wild sub. That's crazy. That was deep in the valley. Yeah. He was living in Burbank. Yeah, the Burbank apartment that he, yeah, that must have been where you did it. Yeah, and I did like Ari's podcast there back in the day. Yeah, all of Ari's. Yeah, Redman used to do like all of them. Yeah. He was like the producer of 10 podcasts. Wow.

You know? Yeah. And he was just like, just come over. And everybody would just show up. So I was asking him if anything had happened for you guys since then. Everything, yeah, same. Same, same. Yeah. Same, same. What's crazy is this, I didn't realize. Oh, Matt Bronger is on here. Yeah. I mean, I remember. Kyle Kinney. It's cool that you wrote this book because I remember I moved to LA in 2002 and started stand-up that year. Yeah. Yeah.

And then slowly...

I remember meeting all these guys, right? Like that. And, and you're like, where are you from? Chicago, Chicago. Like, and it was like this slow realization, like, Oh, there's just like this crew and you guys all kind of knew each other. Yeah. Yeah. There was, the scene was super small there. Zany's was the only club on the North side. And they were like, you guys don't even get an open mic. Like all of the clubs closed in 95 when like standup stopped being popular. So there's one club left and,

And they did not nurture a local scene. So everybody who was there probably to do Second City had to start in bar shows. And there was like 50 dudes and eight women. So that's why we kind of all knew each other. Sure. And then when we moved, Bronger and Kyle had been out in LA for a while. So they kind of knew us from going. But there weren't that many, but all of them...

Were you guys tight? Yeah. So when you got here, you're like, oh, Kyle and Matt have my back kind of thing? Yeah. Yeah. We owe them a lot. Really? Yeah. They were very... I know you through Bronger, I want to say, because you guys had done new faces around the time that I moved. We did. I also vividly remember the first time that I met Bronger. He was visiting LA, and it was at her show, your show at Tangier. Aw.

he came in and he had, he was like, he was wearing a blazer and, and he had that big, like smile. And I was like, who's this fucking asshole? Yeah. Like, cause he was so, um, like, hi, how are you? You know how it like, like he greeted like this big, cheerful greeting. Yeah. It's way too happy, you know? Like,

I remember meeting him like that. Yeah. And he was super, I became friends with him, but like, I remember him coming to Tangier. I think he was like in town, you know, just checking it out actually. Yeah. And maybe asked for a spa or something. Oh my gosh. And I remember, cause I wasn't wronger on a TV show at the time. Well, you eventually got on mad TV. That was later. That was later. Okay. So I just heard that this guy was super funny and like, he just had such word of mouth credibility and he was just,

He would come back to Chicago and like people would always be like, you got to see this guy. And I would be like, okay. Cause like at that time, like Kumail was there, like TJ Miller was like,

there pete holmes was there so when people would come back like i wasn't impressed he came back and he did like he had this closer that he did like an owl impression and he got a standing ovation this is like chicago crowds were back in the day where if you said you were from los angeles and you went to chicago people were like fuck you like the whole crowd everyone hates angelina pretty universally hated yeah across the board hated but he came back and so it was

If he or Kinane came back or John Roy came back, it was like a big deal. Yeah, that's right. And then who's... Because like, forgive me for not knowing, but didn't like you guys have somebody who everybody... Like in this clique...

Everybody was like, this dude's really funny. And he died? Pat Bryce was his name. What? Pat Bryce. See, we all knew TJ. Of the people that I was in this, Bronger and Kyle were a little ahead of me. And of my crew, everybody knew TJ was going to be famous first. It was just he had everything going. He booked a pilot. He had everything going on. I remember that, too, because I had the same manager.

As TJ? Yeah. And I love this. I love telling you this. Yeah. I'm at, so for people that don't follow, you know, in Stan, I think it's actually calmed down now, but there was a time where you're only, you thought the biggest thing in the world would be to get the Just for Laughs festival. Right. In Montreal. Or Aspen at that time. Or Aspen.

And that everything happens there. And, and so when you get it, you're like, holy shit, like I'm on my way. Like this is, this is what it is. Yeah. So I go to that in 2007 and, and I'm a part of the new faces thing with Bronger, Nikki Glaser. I don't know a couple other people that are in this thing and there's different shows. So I'm not, not, we don't, not all. Bargatze's in yours or no? Was Bargatze in mine? I don't think so. I'd remember that. Okay. But yeah,

I'm in the, you, you, there's a lot of, uh, ride shares, right? Like transpose the whole thing at these festivals that have cities. So you're always kind of in the lobby at the curbside and there's a multiple vans and they're like, are you doing this? You jump in with these people. So you just, you're always like, cause you don't know where anything is. Right. And Montreal is kind of laid out. Also, if you're a new face, they hide you in a different hotel. So everything is happening at the, the,

the Hyatt or like the main hotel, the new faces are like in a hostel, like blocks away from like this old period before people had the internet and like could just see these guys clips of them online. So we're, but we're in this, uh, I go do one of my, I do one of the new faces shows and you're just like, ah, you know, I hope, I hope my life changes. Like you don't know what's going to happen. And I'm writing with my manager and he goes, uh,

he's like how did you know it was good right good yeah says whatever then he goes you know it's gonna be huge oh my god who's gonna be a star and i'm like i go who and he goes tj miller he's fucking he's got it he's gonna be the i was like good good good for him yeah what about me i was like i'm riding with you you asshole

It's like that scene where George Shapiro disses Orny Adams to his face in The Comedian. But yeah, so TJ, we knew he was going to be first. It seemed like Kumail was up there. But this guy, Pat Bryce, first of all, he was cooler than all of us. All of us were big dorks. No, you guys were like the cool kids. Not there. Oh, LA, yeah. But Pat had a natural coolness to him. Yeah, women wanted to fuck him, and we all wanted to be him. And he was the funniest.

And then he went, he passed away in 2007. I think that that was the moment where,

that a lot of us were like, fuck, like life is short. Let's fucking go to LA. So that's when you saw like a big wave of people like move out and like 2000, like let's not waste time. Seven. Yeah. Like people, I wasn't doing comedy during nine 11, like right after. And I don't remember if nine 11 made me do comedy, but a lot of people were like nine 11 made a lot of people be like, I, my job sucks. I could get it. My building could get hit by a plane. I should go to an open mic. And I think that that was like,

Fuck, that dude was so talented and he didn't get to do it. How did he die? Not sure. When you don't know, it's never great. Really? Yeah. Nobody knows? Probably somebody knows, but I would guess drugs. Yeah. I would guess. He was 29. No. Yeah. So that was devastating for the scene. People always called him our quarterback. Yeah.

And so. Everybody looked up to him. Yeah. I always have really vivid memories of seeing Kyle Kinane for the first time and being like, who's this fucking guy? Yeah. Where is he from? Because he's not from here. Yeah. And I remember he had this silly joke. It was such like a throwaway. It wasn't even a fully, a full bit. He would take the mic cord, wrap it around his bicep and he'd go, lifting spirits.

And then he laughed so much. Like, he's just so silly. He's so fun. And, oh, God, I was so jealous. I was like, these Chicago guys are partying. Yeah, he was always cool as shit. Yeah, he's cooler than everybody. Yeah, he has a cool factor for sure. Yeah, and no one talks like him either. No. His voice, also his vocabulary, you know, like it's kind of unexpected that, like, you realize, like, oh, this guy, he's a reader. Right.

He's got, he has, uh, uh, big words that comes from all of those guys like Bronger, John Roy, Canaan. They would tell me about this guy, Dwayne Kennedy, that they all looked up to. And I kind of consider him like the Banksy of comedy across the board. Everybody who's seen this guy, Dwayne Kennedy, uh,

is like he's the greatest comedian of all time. Like Chris Rock was like supposedly said he was the best guy in New York when I was coming up. Really? Sarah Silverman is like he should be a household name. He kind of disappears from comedy from the late 80s

like appears in Chicago in like the mid nineties and kind of Yoda's these like young guys. And every now and then he'd pop up and do like a letterman or pop up and do like a Kimmel and people would be like, where the fuck does this guy do? Like to get him on a show, you had to fax his dad. What? Yeah. Like Dwayne, Dwayne Kennedy. Sounds about right. There he is. Yeah.

Sounds like a real comic. Yeah. That's how they all are. Yeah. It was like his dad. Yeah. Like, so this was a guy that would, he has a half hour on Showtime. He has Letterman's, but no one's heard of this guy and he doesn't want to be found.

Wow. So it's like, is he still, he'll do like the Lincoln lodge in Chicago or he'll do, he'll open for people. He was, he has an Emmy for writing for Kamau Bell, like just like this. So Hari Kondabalu like, and Kamau Bell like forced him to kind of to put out an album in 2020 and it's called who the hell is Dwayne Kennedy. And so it's like one of those things that like, if you know, you know, but I got to listen to this. Yeah, I got, now I want to check it out too. This was the guy that kind of, uh,

Kinane bombed his first time going up or he thought he bombed and this guy took him aside and was like you should keep doing this and he was like well fuck if that guy told me I have to keep going then I do

Those are like the comedy angels. You know when you're starting out and it just takes that one upperclassman to say something remotely positive to you and it changes your whole life. It's so cool. And you remember those compliments like forever. Like if either one of you walked up to some open mic-er and were like, that was great or that joke was funny, they will remember that the rest of their life. That's some funny bitch. Laughter

The stupid bitch? Who? Wow. Oh my God. And then, yeah, Hannibal. Hannibal. Hannibal, of course. Yeah, came from that crew too. Came from that scene, yeah. You guys had such heavy hitters. Yeah, I remember Hannibal also. Stelling's from there, right? Yep, and Cameron Esposito is also. Cameron. Hannibal hit the scene though. So good. Well, you know the origins of it, but what I remember is,

It's just somebody being like, hey, did you see this guy on, it was like Letterman or, I don't know, one of the late night shows? Yeah. So I saw the set and I was like, oh, that's really funny. Like, it was like, that's really funny. Yeah. And then I was in Melbourne, Australia with him doing the Melbourne festival. Yeah. Doing the shows every night. And then everybody, so we were on the shows together. It was him, me, and Moshe Kasher. Mm-hmm.

And people would come up to us and be like, "Have you seen that guy Hannibal? He's great." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm on the show with him." - You know who's gonna be huge? - Yeah. - Oh, God. - I was like, "Oh, yeah, yeah." And then people would be like, "Oh, man, I saw a Hannibal set last night." And I was like, "That means you saw my set too." And he, yeah, but he was like just-- - Do you know how many times in my life somebody's walked up to the feature and I could hear them and been like, "You should have headlined." - Oh, yeah, of course, of course.

I think every, don't you always, or the worst is when you go pee and the audience is there. You can hear them talking. How much they hated you. Thank you. I actually think it's almost worse though when you feature and someone does that, says it to you and you know, you're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Like shut up. You're right, but shut the fuck up. Pull me aside and tell me that. Yeah.

This feels shitty. It feels bad. Even, well, this is just my insecurity, but like I say, I sell out like a big venue and then the guy always, the booker will be like, yeah, you know who did, who did two sold out shows though? It's

So and so. God damn it. It never ends for you. You fucking cunt. Let me have the one thing. Yeah. You fucks. Treat me special today. Yeah, just pretend. Or like, you know who was really fun last week? Burt Kreischer. And you're like, I'm not fun. They said that to me. They still said that to me. Yeah. I'm sure you get that. I get they go...

I did something and they were like, this is great. Two shows at this venue is incredible. And then you're like, oh, awesome. And they're like, Chappelle did six. And you're like, you mean the biggest comedian of all time? Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I'm not number one all time. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Thank you. There's always someone.

When Hannibal started, he got new faces in 2006. So he kind of, Robbie Praw, I've talked to him about this. So Netflix's Robbie Praw saw in Hannibal before like anybody, he got it before all the people that we mentioned.

So it was kind of like a shock for people at that point that he was, because he wasn't considered one of the best at that point. And he got so good so fast that it kind of shocked people. Yeah. I also remember specifically this thing, which I thought was wild. And it came true, which is we were walking around Melbourne and, you know, we spent two weeks together. We're doing these shows for two weeks. We're talking about just, you know, what's next kind of thing. And I was like, yeah, I really want to get...

the presents, you know, which is the half hour that the comedy central half hour special, like, cause that's the next step. And I was like, don't you want to do that? And he was like, I think I'm just going to skip that and just go straight to an hour. And I was like, what? Like, how can someone do that? You know, I really was like, how can somebody, I was like, really? Like, isn't that a crazy idea? And he was like, yeah,

And then he did it and he just did it. Yeah. I think I'm going to ruin Bill Cosby's life. Oh my God. Can I tell you something? I was in Amsterdam recording something with Bert Kreishner, Bert Kirshner, and a few other comics back in the day for Showtime. And I remember we did like warmup sets the night before you tape and

And I don't know if you know this, but English is not their first language in Amsterdam. So I was like, dude, this is fucking bomb city. Like, we're just going to eat dicks. And of course, I eat fucking dicks. Everyone's eating dicks. Hannibal Buress does not eat dicks. Really? And he got up there, and he was talking about, you eat a sandwich, and then you take the pickle juice, and then you sprinkle the pickle juice on it. And the people were just like falling down. And this is like in another language, this guy's crushing. He's going slower. Yeah.

Yo. The first time I saw him destroy, it was still new to me. I still hadn't seen him have like a killer set. And he went up at Zany's and he's like, they have a chalkboard at the fire station. He's like, so what do they do there? You put, there's a fire. You got to put water on the fire. And it was like a, like, it was just like people were falling like out of their seats, like smacking the, and he's like,

And he had done like, it was a guest set too. Like it wasn't, there was super slow cadence, super slow. And they were just like,

Slow down, everybody. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah, because you also see that. The nervous comic or the comic who's not solid in their stuff goes fast, fast. You know what I mean? Right. Hey, let me run through this. Hopefully you'll laugh. And they get louder and crazier. And then like people, like because that Ron White thing, right? Ron is like. When you're doing bad, slow down. When you're doing good.

Slow down. And it's great, but it's great. It's especially great if you know what you're doing, you know, when it's good. The crowd wants to think that you're driving the bus. Yeah, of course. That's like a Eddie Brill thing too. He was like, if you think you're going too slow, slow down. Oh yeah. Eddie Brill used to say that. He had a thing like that too. Yeah. Well, you think about it too. We don't entertain people. We don't entertain theater goers. You're entertaining drunks.

So when you think about it, you think about when you're drunk, you're not processing. And these people are sometimes getting fucking wasted. You gotta give it to them how they can consume it. Slowly.

Holy, especially in the South. You got to slow it down. Just culturally get a little slower. Did you hear people say Chicago a lot? Never once. What? Do you know that this is the funniest thing? We say it all the time. Christina was like, so you going to Chicago? And I'd be like, Chicago? And I was like, who the fuck? She goes, yeah, people say that all the time. I go, I've never heard that. That week.

I go to the airport. This is LAX. We're living in LA. And I'm in the, I mean, I actually go into like Denver, but I'm in the United terminal and I see this lady and she's leaned over the stand. She goes, all right.

Flight 267 to Chicago is boarding. I was like, holy shit. Like people do say that stupid shit. Just throw an R in there out of nowhere. It's a non-existent R. I'll start saying it. We'll see what happens. I was in Chicago. Does what you call New York catch on? Oh, it's the Jewdork titties. Yeah. We call it Jewdork. You. More than anyone.

You also say many apple tits. Many apple tits. Massive, huge tits. That's a good one. That's fun. That one's amazing. That was great. Fart Lauderdale is my favorite. That's fun. I think that's really good. Orlando. There's a lot there. Fill her up, Delphia. Fill her up, Delphia. Yeah. Meat rattle. Meat rattle. Speaking of, I just added a show in meat rattle. Where? Buy your tickets now because you can be online.com. I should have said that earlier. What is a meat rattle? Like a hand job?

even know what it is i just like the sound of it but it is dude yeah i know that's so smart thank you do you still go back to chicago yeah i was just back in chicago i'm trying it yeah i was in chicago doing for the book release yeah chicago i like to do the lincoln lodge there they have it's a beautiful like a three you it's too small for you no i just did the lincoln lodge

A small theater there, like a 300 seater. Oh, you did? Yeah. In Spanish or something? No, no. I had, I was, I was in Chicago the night before my Gary, Indiana casino gig. That's fun. And my agent was like, do you want to do this small thing?

It was a cool little room. Is it the den? The den is, yeah, the den is like a, it's like a gold, like fancy, like kind of. Yeah. It kind of looks like a, like a, I don't know, like a,

gentleman's quarters or something. Sure. Sure. Sure. I've never been, I walked past it cause I did a, I did a bookstore. That show was awesome. Was it? Okay. It was great. It confuses me. Cause when the, the big open mic that people consider like the greatest open mic of all time possibly is called the lion's den and people refer to it as the den. Oh, and then this place is called the den. So I get it both. That's what I did though. I think. Okay. Okay.

Yes. Like I was doing WGN. I was doing television for this. I saw Sam Morrill walking out and I said hi to him. I go, Oh, are you doing Zany's this weekend? And he goes, Oh, Chicago theater. I was like, all right, see you later. Like it was just one of those, like, fuck me. I forget people are blowing up. Yeah. No, people are blowing up left and right. It's crazy. Soldier field. Okay, great. I'm going to go. You know where the bears is called.

Yeah. No, it's pretty crazy. So you went there for the book release. For the book release. And then, yeah, just mostly eat like a pig and head back to LA. What's your favorite Chicago spot? Pequod's Pizza. Pequod's? Pequod's. Deep dish? Deep dish. A lot of people get mad about deep dish. This one has caramelized crust, I think is pretty good. And right next to it is Potbelly. If you're feeling like a big fatso, there's a sub sandwich spot right there. Oh, yeah. Dang.

I like to do that to my body. Do you prefer deep dish? I think I do. There was one place in LA that had it, Masa. Yeah. In Echo Park. Hey, that's a good one. But it was not quite right. I know what you're going to say. You're like, it's because of the water and because of the stove. I don't even know about that. Oh, that's what people say about Drew Dork Titty's pizza. Yeah, they do. It's so much better because of the water and the stove. I don't know.

Oh, they fly. There's that big thing about bagels too, though. Like, yeah, they, they use the, the water in Brooklyn is better. So they like transport the water. I'm not like a scientist. I don't know if that's possible. I just know that in Chicago, they love doing terrible things to the insides of their bodies. Yeah. When we moved, by the way, when we moved all to LA, the amount of drinking that we did, like everybody like in Chicago is like, that's what you do. Yeah.

In LA, everybody at once was like, what the fuck, you guys? That's so true. Like, we horrified people. Yeah, I went out drinking with you guys one time early on. I was like, these guys are really fucking fucked up. Bronger, Kinane. Those are two people that you would have a problem drinking with. Pints. Oh, and Hannibal, too. He's quit drinking. Yeah. I quit drinking. Oh, you did? Yeah, like six years, almost seven years ago. Yeah, everything's easier.

Is life better? Yeah, life is better. Yeah. Yeah, it was getting too hard. You know who hasn't quit drinking? No. Okay. Yeah. It's crazy, bro. Pustin. Get off. Get off. Texas, baby. Pustin. He got a lift, though. Yo. That's smart. Yeah, it is. If you're like just trying to get around the city. That's what Marty McFly would do in Back to the Future. Hold on. Yeah, but he'd do it more. He'd kind of sneak it. Yeah.

- Pretty cool. - Dude is wild. - Yeah, pretty cool, right? - What would you do?

You could stop the car too. I mean, do you stop the car? Because then that, what if that guy's trying to attack you? Does that guy know that guy or is it? No, I think it's really, it's really, you have to be, you have to be ready to call an audible. Meaning if the guy feels threatening, then you gun it as hard as you can. And then you slam on the brakes. Right. Right. Yeah. If you feel threatened. Yeah. Or you see him and he's a few feet in front, you run him over and then you go like, I was scared.

But if you don't feel threatened, then I think you gradually slow down and you let them off like that. Now you're a service. Wow. His face is like, am I in trouble for this? His face is like, I'm good, right? Like I didn't do anything wrong? So weird.

I just saw a video. I see some really wild video. My algorithm is insane on Instagram now. Yeah. It's so many murders and deaths, accidents, fires and shit. Yeah. But there's this thing that like when people have dash cams, you know, on their cars. Yeah. And they're coming from this on-ramp and the car in front stops about, let's say, 15 feet ahead of the car that's recording. Yeah. Yeah.

And both sides, doors open, people get out of the car, and the driver of the car with the dash cam that's behind this car just guns it, hits the dude, tears the doors off of this, because they were going to rob him. They got out and just fucking...

pushes the car, just like just destroys it and it gets on the highway. You got to, I guess. Whoa, yeah. I've seen a couple like that and they're usually in Mexico or South America, as was this one. It was in Santiago, Chile. That's very fun. Yeah. Where do you think the worst drive, if you had like a dash cam on your car, where are the worst drivers? Is it the San Fernando Valley? Oh, no. South Florida. South Florida? Well, it's the most aggressive. It's the most aggressive. And it's, let's be honest, it's because they're not like us. It's the worst.

It's a lot of Caribbean drivers, lawless places. That's a section in Us Weekly. Miami, they're not like us. They're not like us. It's like Latin America, which is crazy to drive. If you've ever driven in Latin America, it's fucking nuts. It's four Latin American countries in one. More. Yeah, more. It's wild. Cuba. Cuba.

There's Cubans there. There's Venezuelans there. There's Colombians there. Don't forget Puerto Rico. There's Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Haitians. Yeah, there's everything. Everything in the Caribbean and South America is all there. And they're all from places where you go, you give 20 bucks to the cop. You drive in and out. You ignore red lights or suggestions. You don't like...

So driving there, it feels chaotic. My sister lived in Lima and I know that you have driven there. That was completely crazy. Bonkers. One of the craziest places I've ever driven in my life. It's like, there's no lanes. It's just like, I don't know.

I got one more. Have you seen India? Oh, that's probably. Yeah, that's probably. Google like India traffic. Yeah. They just go in circles and swirls. That's where Instagram shows me that if you get hit by a vehicle, everybody just keeps going. Yeah. They just kick your body to the side. Yeah, people just look and they're just like. Isn't there like a thing where they're totally cool with like people just like right up on them? Look, it's pedestrians, bikes, cars.

buses all together but I'm telling you if something bad happens here they don't go like everyone stop yeah no we have places to be you just keep going listen there's a lot of us we keep going yeah you keep going dude

Like everything's such a close call here that we're seeing. Oh yeah. There's gnarly. Look at that. There's bicycles and animals. There's a camel. And people just want. And a fucking go-kart. Look at this shit. That's my nightmare. What are those called? Tuk-tuks? Is that what that is? Yes. Like that amongst bicyclists? This at least looks way crazier than anything I've experienced. Is this Lima bad? Lima's just cars. Lima's cars. Lima's cars. But it feels completely lawless.

It really does. It does feel good. It's so scary. It does. But Pisco Sours are delicious. Delicious. And the food is good. Yeah. Would you ever go as a tourist to Uzbekistan? I've been to Armenia. I don't know anything about Uzbekistan. Oh, you want to see some cool shit? Oh, no. Do you want to go to Kyrgyzstan? Oh, God. Yeah.

A gypsy.

not a city or town, to the border, and he agreed. Four hours later, when we got to the city, we were 50 kilometers away from the border, and he told us to get out of his car. We shouldn't have paid him until we got to our destination. We tried to get another shared taxi to the border, and this babushka asked us for money. When we said no, she became angry, started swearing at us, throwing rocks at us, and followed us.

Eventually, some locals came and told her to leave. We couldn't get a ride to the border, so we got a hotel room near the bus station. Hopefully, we can get a bus in the morning. Cool, right? I want bad things to happen to them. Yeah! For being such assholes? Hayley and Zach? Yeah. Fucking dopes. Oh, you saw an unhoused woman in Uzbekistan with no teeth. That's a gypsy. That's a gypsy. That's a gypsy.

This is unreal, dude. Yeah. We just like to experiment and we love adventure. Why did they? Okay. They just want to go places and be like, this isn't like San Diego or whatever. This is totally different. People are eating off the floor. I don't like them. These men were angry for no reason. Here's another vacation tip. You're lucky they didn't stab you. If you're plus size, there's five reasons you should travel with other plus size people. First, you're going to be traveling with people that understand what it's like to live in a larger body. Second, you're going to be traveling with people that understand what it's like to live in a larger body.

Second, you have way more chances to swap clothes. There's no waiting around looking at jewelry and accessories because it's plus-size friendly stores only. And you can pick up tips and tricks from others to make your life more comfortable. Finally, you'll see you don't have to lose weight to travel and you'll be surrounded by people that prove that. They look happy. Yeah, they do seem like having a good time. Hi. I'm hoping to use your customer size policy today.

Customer of size. Free extra seat? I didn't realize you get a free one. Even on fully booked flights. What?!

I gotta gain 200 pounds. You can get free seats? Yeah. Dude, you can do it. The rest of my life would suck, but free seat? Worth it. Free seat is why. Worth it. Worth it. Southwest is the only airline with this policy for customers of size. It should be the independent. No, it shouldn't. Southwest, stop doing this immediately. I saw a guy at my gate on the way here, and I was just like, I hope he's not next to me. Of course. Of course. You gotta be fucking retarded and fucked about.

Yeah. That's true. No, I don't think we should support it. You can fucking try me, fatso. That is crazy that they just go, oh, it's a fully booked flight, but we got a fatty. So you're not going to go. Yeah. You're going to get two seats. They're going to bump somebody so that you can have two seats. By the way, people always used to tell me that we looked alike. All the time. Yeah. I used to hate it. Yeah. I don't hate it as much anymore. Yeah.

I got so many people being like, dude, I just saw you in that commercial. I'd be like, I didn't do a commercial. And they would compliment me, like, you were hilarious in that commercial. I manage the lyric hype here in Silver Lake, and people, like open micers, come in and they think I'm you. Really? Yeah, a lot. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I got a whole bunch. That's nice. I think we both have the same dumb, lost look in our eyes. Beautiful, though. Yeah, it's beautiful.

Yeah, you both have blue eyes, too. Yeah, we have blue eyes. Aw. Yeah. I didn't realize. And then... Our wives look the same. Our wives are exactly the same. Yeah. Same hair. Same everything. Yep. Yeah. Same mouth. Same, same. You just need glasses. Do you have dad glasses? Yeah, like... I should get some. Are your eyes bad? How would they look at me like that? No, try it out. Try those. Hell yeah, dog. Are these prescripts? No. Yeah. No, they're prescripts, but they're just mild readers. They're mild, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you guys look great. Yeah. We should do side by side. Can you edit this later? My brother Brido's here today. Oh my God. Holy shit. Do we look the same? Yeah. Well, that's kind of weird. Dude. Spider-Man? You guys are such f***ers.

It wouldn't count. We look the same. Yeah. That's true. If you were to be gay, just hold on. Just hear me out. What would you do with Brido? Please say yes. Somebody that you look just like. I mean, it'd be easier. Right. Yeah. How about you, Mike? I mean, I got to say yes too then. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, no. Yeah. Because then you'd just be like with yourself. Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. That'd be crazy for us to do a gay scene.

If you want to do it, I'm fine with it. If the money's right. That's what I'm thinking. 100 bucks. 100, yeah. Only fans? I was going to say 20. That would be pretty cute. Only fans? That'd be crazy to start an Only Fans and just have one video we post. It's just you and I having crazy hardcore sex. And then be like, that's it. That's all you get. That's why you brought me here. Yeah.

We have a studio room over there. Is there a genre of porn where people who look alike fuck? Doppelbangers. Oh, that was so good. Yeah, doppelbangers. Someone's a professional. I could write copy for porn. Meat rattle and doppelbangers. You got it.

Dude, doppelbangers. That's such a good idea. Did you do Second City? Because it seems like you did. Yes, and doppelbangers. That was good. Thank you. Doppelbangers. Dude, doppelbangers. Why does this say this is my brother, though? This is Tom's long-lost brother. Drug test culture. Okay, no, but see, the cool thing about urine drug test culture is that they don't differentiate crack from powder cocaine. That's cool. If they did, that would really suck.

Yeah. Is that rude? Yeah. Yeah.

I like him. He too. Yeah, dude. This guy's a good time. This guy's fucking amazing. I don't think he's rude. No.

I know where he used to get down. Yeah. That's South Bay. Yeah. That's pretty cool. That is my brother. Thanks everybody. I mean, that is yours. Yeah. Yeah. His name is wet. Brian. That's so cool. I would like to meet wet. Brian. Yeah.

He looks just like you. I guess. Yeah. It's your bro too, man. Cool. He's rude. Yeah. Can we do talks today? Sure. Yes. Righto, are you on TikTok by any chance? Barely. Cool. Well, I want to show you. I like to find the outliers of TikTok, so we're not going to watch cute girls dancing or people singing. Yeah, nothing that you would enjoy. Okay. Yeah. Hit me with some shit I would hate. Yeah. Here we go. You'll feel sick.

One of my favorite lanes of TikTok is the, you know,

The new martial artist kind of thing where it's like the guy who's like, I can fight. And he doesn't really have to say anything. He just puts on the demonstration. I mean, he's showing, not telling. Yeah. Which is always better. Those kicks look like they might destroy you. Yeah. It's a roundhouse, bros. Yeah. Little secret. He speeds up the footage. But still. What country? This is not America. German. German.

- I think so. - Oh, that's ambitious. I'm gonna go deep Eastern block. - Yeah, I think it's a little further East. - Do you recognize your own? - This is my tribe, yeah. He's like Croatian or some shit. - Okay. - Either way. - Is he at a doctor's office? - You know what I know? There's too many doors.

In Eastern Europe, there's like 10 doors for no reason. Yeah. Like everything's a room, bro. Like, you know, you can have open content. I got six rooms. You're like, damn, you got a big house? No, it's a fucking studio apartment. There's some fucking doors. High cabinets. Yes. Yeah.

Like that shelf makes no sense. None. It's the worst. It's just bullshit. Somebody was just like, put shelf here. Put things on here. Fucking sucks. Coat rack. Bend it. Bro, I remember we had this apartment in Hungary. Like we'd go stay there like once a year for holidays and shit. Fucking so many doors. It was just a small one bedroom. And like one bed. I had to close this door, close that door just to take a shit. And then if I want to take a shower, the heater box is

is on top of the shower, right? Like you have to, you turn on a switch and you hear it go, whoa. And then the gas turns on and then it heats up the water. It was the jankiest shit. Yo, and then the toilet is,

The toilets are different. It's like it's porcelain here. So you shit on top of porcelain. There's no water. And then you flush and the water comes and flushes the turd down. So you smell your shit as you're shitting. Like a trap door? No, just like a shelf. It's a shit shelf. This is your shit on porcelain. Okay. And then the water comes and the turd slides down into a pool of water. It's fun for the turd. Dude, it's so much fun for a turd. That's why they do it. I got a turd brewing right

No way, right? Oh yeah, this is a new trend on TikTok where stupid bitches are getting freckles tattooed onto their faces. Those are freckles? Yeah, well, they're manufactured freckles. They're not real freckles. So eventually... I thought that was me in seventh grade. These are tattooing freckles. How fucking stupid. So dumb. Wow. Yeah. Hey, I want to look trashier. Can I pay for this?

- Damn. - Yeah. - That's the thing is that you, you know what the thing is, is like you, it's so obvious that these are not genuine.

You know what I mean? Like somebody with freckles, natural, you're like, oh, that's like, it's appealing. It's, it's, it can look cute, but this looks like somebody stabbed their face with an apparatus. Did they just get it done though? Maybe it heals and it looks a little more natural. Maybe. Yeah. This is like fresh. They're like, you know, Princeton looked like he had plastic surgery, even though he clearly must've for sure. So maybe these heal. That's what everyone's holding onto here. I'm going to look like Prince.

Freckle Prince. Freckle Prince. Danny, if you're non-binary and don't identify as a man or a woman, then what does your child call you?

This is another commonly asked question I receive, so I want to spend some time talking about my own personal experience with what my child calls me. That was the most pregnant person. So huge. Non-binary parents may use instead of mom or dad. But I also want to point out that sometimes non-binary people use binary terms because it's what's the safest or easiest. It's not confusing. Thank you. What feels the most right to them. Personally, my child calls me Papa.

And even though it's a binary term, it's what feels the warmest and softest to me. I tried on other terms like dad and poppy, but none of them felt right, quite like papa does. And even though I'm non-binary, I still sometimes refer to myself as a seahorse dad.

I got to give birth to my baby. What the fuck is a seahorse? Oh, seahorses, males give birth? Yes, and I believe seahorses can be either gender. Like they actually can be either or. Oh, the male gets pregnant and gives birth. Bro, I say we seahorse.

I would wish we could have seahorsed a few things in our having kids. Men can seahorse their whole lives. Bro, why don't you... So just for people listening, this is a woman who had cut her breasts off...

I don't know. She transitioned. She transitioned, right? And she's a he and now he's having babies. But there's a phenomena in nature where seahorses actually give birth to child. Just anecdotally, dudes have cuter babies.

Yeah. Honestly, I think men are better at everything. Oh my God. Shut. Men have cuter babies. That's so true. Let's exhibit A. I'll say this, Papa. You did so much better than any broad could do. Oh my God. I hate you so much. You're the fucking worst. That does not make me a mom or a mother. I'm simply a papa who got to give birth.

I will say this. It's very nice, and the baby's adorable. This guy's voice is fucking weird as shit. I hate it. I hate his whisper. I hate his whisper. It's making my spine tingle. Yeah, it's the ASMR approach to the- Learn how to fucking project. Yeah, talk. And then- And then- Called me papa. What the fuck are you doing, man? Just talk, bro. Are you seducing me? I mean, a little. And he's horny, yeah.

Okay, you guys might think this is really weird, gross, and woo-woo, but hear me out. So, I use period underwear and washable reusable pads. Every month, I soak them in water to get the blood out, bring them out to wash them, and then I add more water to the bloody water to make a sort of diluted blood water fertilizer that I use to water my plants. Period blood is really rich in minerals like potassium, nitrogen, phosphorus, and iron, all of which are incredibly healthy for plants.

And this is one way that I can have a reciprocal relationship with my plants. Reciprocal relationship! They bring me so much joy and green, especially in the wintertime. And I can nourish them in return. This is how a horror movie starts. The plants become evil. And I wonder if you've ever given this a try. When we were in Florida... I'm doing it right now. When we were in Florida, I was... I had...

I had a dinner with high school friends and they go, do you remember so-and-so? And I was like, no. And they're like, she was in our class. And I go, I don't fucking remember.

Like, well, she's one of these menstrual blood ones now who posts like, and she has posts are like today I bathed in my blood. I was like, I don't remember her at all. And I had a small class and they're like, she was fucking weird as shit. You remember? She didn't get a lot of attention in high school. Now she's, can I tell you, here's fucking amazing. So she's like, I menstruate. Hold on. Just you realize like to harvest your period blood and,

is wild too. The way she does it, she menstruates into reusable pads or underwear, just like free bleeding. And then you marinate it in water to get all the blood out. Hold on. Don't, don't you dare forward what I'm about to say.

Here's the craziest part, though. She's spraying her plants with her menstrual blood. Yeah, her pussy blood is sprayed all over her apartment. That living room stinks. That's what I'm saying! In her fucking inner apartment. And it's winter, so she ain't opening those windows. It smells like pennies in there. What do you think this is? Why is somebody doing insisting? Because, I'll tell you. Does it make it better? Is it worth it? Here's why. Because...

The internet and people are bored, but the internet has convinced you in some weird way that everything that is natural is therefore good. Like your period blood is natural. It's got these irons and vitamins. Don't waste this nature's bounty. Nature. It's like the urine therapy people. It's like just some stuff your body excretes for a reason. You're excreting it, bro.

You're not meant to drink it or recycle it, homie. You can lap it up. I've done that before when it's like a cool chick. Stop it. I'm going to fucking puke on myself. Stop it. That's too far. That's so gross. But look, it kind of looks like Kool-Aid, though. It looks nice. She got a nice shave. Like a sun tea.

I keep forgetting when I look over that it is fucking unsweetened tea, you know? I'm like, what is that? Oh, yeah. It's Kool-Aid. What if she just kills all these plants? Do we have proof that this works? You imagine, too. You're like, bitch. The next day, they're just brown. It's like you killed every single one of those plants with your fucking... If we went over...

If you were like, hey, come over to my friend Melissa's real quick. And we walked in and I was like, what is that? And she was like, oh, it's actually my menstrual blood. I'm feeding the plants. I'd be like, Bridal, let's get the fuck out of here, dude. This is a psychopath. Get the fuck out of here. She's filming a video. You're like, you're not putting that on the internet, are you? No. I try to teach people. Educate. This woman, so there's another one I saw, that she puts it in spray bottles and sprays

That's somehow grosser. Yeah, like the pouring is even okay. Can we move on, please? No, this is fascinating. We're a thruffle. And yes, we all sleep in the same bed. We're a thruffle. According to most people on the internet, we're going straight to hell. We're a thruffle. And no, we're not looking for a fourth. We're a thruffle. It's impossible to pick what to eat or watch. We're a thruffle. We block the sidewalk when we hold hands. We're a thruffle. One bathroom just ain't gonna cut it.

We're a thruple. We've mastered the art of sharing everything. We're a thruple. Our group chats are next level epic. We're a thruple. We've got more dates than a calender. We're a thruple. Our selfies are always wide angle. We're a thruple. Plus one invitation. Where do I get my credit card? We're a thruple. We know you can love more than one person at a time.

You guys are gay as fuck. This video sure as hell is. So dumb. We're at Throuble. Our videos suck. By the way, why don't you tell me the real shit? This is all bullshit stuff. We take our cameras sideways. Who shits first if you guys are sharing a bathroom? We're at Throuble. It's so cheesy. I want to see him do it once, though. Yeah.

You don't want to see him once? Of course! I want to know way more than this. Also, I feel like this is one of the... I watch some shit, too. I don't care. I feel like every time we see an internet... I would watch some shit, too. ...you know, video thing about throuples, it's always a woman and two guys. This is like... I feel like this is more rare to me. Oh, that's interesting. The two broads and one dude? Yeah. Sure. Usually it's one fat chick, fatso with, like, two beta guys. I mean, these, I have to say, for throuples...

This is probably the best looking throuples. Yes. He's a handsome guy. That guy won. Yeah. She's pretty. She's very pretty. No, they're both pretty. He's pretty. They're all pretty. Yeah. I thought they were like stock actors or whatever. We're a throuple. Like, do you have vaginal? Whatever. It's like a pill, like a drug commercial. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They seem cast. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't, don't they get annoyed with each other? Like even a couple, but just two of you, imagine two bitches yammering into your ear and you know, like they cycle together too. So it's two bitches on their period. It's like, you know how much talking this motherfucker has to do. You can have twice as many plants. Yeah.

What's interesting, though, is that he actually has very, like, chick energy. He does. He doesn't have, like, alpha energy. Like, sometimes in these things you go, oh, this will be like a real alpha dog kind of guy. But he doesn't seem like that at all. He works out. Yeah. He definitely takes care of himself. Yeah, but...

Yeah, he cries a lot. Yeah, that's where the connection is. It's like an emotional thing. Yeah, because remember that documentary about those people that were pulling? Our text threads are out of this world. Yeah. Remember, it was serious. They're all hippie crunchies, and then the guys are ponytail yoga guys? Yes. You have to be to make this show work. He's not that, but he's something. He's very sensitive. He's a sensitive yoga man. Mm-hmm.

There's a lot of talking and communicating. Or is he being this guy so he can have both those babes? No, that would be such a fact. I think that's a thousand percent.

You know what I mean? He figured out how to keep this going. Yeah. Two at once. And probably a big part of it is by being emotionally really available. And, you know, like he has to be that in order to keep it going. Right. Because that's what they like. Yeah. It seems like a high price to pay for just sex. Do you know what I mean? Like he's got to do this 24-7. He got hot late in life. Listening up. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. Right. He was goofier before. He had fucked up teeth. Yeah. Yeah. And he got some braces and he lifted some weights. Yeah. Totes. And he's like, I want to fuck two. I got to tell you. I want to fuck two. This pussy thing's wild. Dude, have you guys tried fucking?

These are the only two women he's had sex with. Probably. Because he's sweet and he probably grew up super Christian and he doesn't know how just to date people because he doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Yeah. So he gets himself into these really complex situations. Yeah. He's emotionally. Don't you feel like this situation is so emotionally dramatic? Yes. And what these people are actually into is the emotional bullshit more than the sex. The suffering. Yeah.

You put yourself through a lot of suffering in this. You really do. Yeah, it's torture. This is my idea of hell. Because the day that she's like, I'm just feeling really insecure. He's like, well, I'm fucking our friend over here. So if you don't mind. She's giving him attitude and he's like, she's fine. Yeah. I kind of like it more over here today. Yeah. It's all triangulation all the time. You know who doesn't have two girlfriends?

That's your Southwest guy. Yeah. This is crazy. Give him an extra chair. That is a fucking pressure washer. Yeah. That's fucking insane. That's how you do it. You gotta do it that way, though. Good, good. That hurts, right? Probably. It can't feel great? No. That's gotta hurt so bad. Well, if you're... His face. The face. You don't need it for the face, bro. That's how you strip paint off of concrete. That guy's having fun. Aww.

So if you're listening, we just watched a very large, very overweight man get cleaned by another man with a pressure washer. Like, you know, if they're like, hey, this tile is just not going to hold on a second. Yeah. If we turn up the pressure, we might be able to strip this off of it. He's got to lift stuff up to get hosed down.

Is this a daily? This can't be. In Pee Wee's Big Adventure, they say, oh, really? Where are they hosing him down? Yeah. So this is what it looks like. How much fun is pressure washing? It's so much fun. Like, I've never tried it. And I would love to do it to this guy. Yeah. Me too. Graffiti him up first. Hell yeah. Dude. And then he's like, why do you keep spraying my face? You're like, I don't know. I didn't do it.

He's like, I can reach my face. There's somewhere in Texas you can do this for sure. You can pay. They let you power wash fat people in Texas. That's a great business. Yeah. Oof. What do they call that one? Doppelbanger? Meat rattle? Fuck, if I had it, it would be good. Power washing fatzos? Yeah, what would it...

Power fatso's. Hold on, you guys. This is very funny. Wait. Say it, Brido. You got it. Oh, someone. It's not mine, but Weight Wash Washers is perfect. Weight Washers. Shout out. Solo. Good job, buddy. Weight Washers. Weight Washers. I mean, like, how many people are screaming it into their car stereo? Welcome to Weight Washers.

Oh, shit. It's like a do-it-yourself car wash. You know how fucking satisfying that is? Would you pay? Like if they're like, hey, just put five bucks in this thing and we'll wheel out a 400 pounder. Do you know how satisfying that would be if they're like hiding sandwiches in there and you're going to like fucking hose them out? And they're like, and they smile. They're like, ah, you found it. You found the Easter egg. And they lift this up and like a key falls out and they're like.

You put a bunch of money in them and you get to wash it out. And then you like a coins. They roll around in a big pile of coins. Oh, that'd be so much fun. Yeah. You have to like stock them up first. They gotta be messy on some level. That reminds me, this is where I got, I had the, this joke about midgets with like, uh, just say the word. Well, with like, they had, uh, with like dip, uh, dip on their head walking around at a party. Yeah. But I actually did a commercial once.

where we had midgets at this, like it was supposed to be a party and the director was like, as they're walking by, he's like, can we put like some, like a bowl of peanut butter on his head or something? And you see the guy who was like, huh? He's like, yeah. So then when he walks by, you guys can like scoop it out. And I was like, whoa. The guy just let it happen. A little bowl strapped to his head.

There's like a restaurant I heard about that had that. Like a chips and salsa. On midgets? Like a sombrero on it. Yeah. For reals? Maybe it was an urban legend. This is like a thing I heard in like the 90s. Well, I will say it's got to be so hard for them to find gigs. I mean, what else can you do but be in show business?

I know. You don't see many. I've never been. Now you gotta turn down the integrity to turn down all the elf shit that they throw your way. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's all you're getting is they're always like, and there's an elf. Have you been to a Christmas audition before? It's just like a bunch of fat guys with white beards. Yeah. And you're like, this is your time. This is the time of year that you've been waiting for. Yeah. Oh, there's a guy. That's adorable. Yeah.

He's doing guac. You know what the crazy, the disrespectful part, aside from the obvious, is if you're like standing there, like you and I having a conversation. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And it's like the chips are falling in front of his face and you're like, hey, you keep talking. Yeah, yeah, you know, and salsa's falling on him because you're not really paying attention. Like that is the part of it. You're breaking up with somebody at a dinner and like you're... My friend is a sports reporter in Atlanta and he's like 5'9", let's say. And he goes like, when he's covering the Hawks, he's like, sometimes I'll be like standing out there and one of the guys who's like 6'10",

is standing right next to me having a conversation with someone above me and he goes and you just feel just so disrespected because they're like hey man and like and he's just like looking up and they're having full dialogue full conversation he's like right here you're just like a kid you're just like looking up like i'll talk when they're done talking god that sucks yeah yeah same thing

I know because I've never met an LP that's like a regular job to LP because we're friends with like entertainers and show business that are LPs but I've never met an LP lawyer or doctor or like what if you've been to an accountant that's a lawyer would be great it'd be amazing I'd hire him it'd be a show it'd be on you know little lawyer it'd be like a tiny justice because that one the the

Like a judge? Like tiny justice? Oh, pitch that. What was the little family? But he was like really successful. A little people, big world. The Roloffs. They had a farm. But they were really successful. Really successful. And the wife was a dream crusher. Remember? His dreams were very attainable. He's like, I think we should start. We should build a barn. She was like, you can't build a barn. I don't think he had helium. He was like, we should build a barn. And she was like, you can't build a barn. The thing is.

If we all band together. Can we Google the Roloffs and see if he had a high voice? He did not. He did have a tiny little voice. I don't think so. It was higher than yours. It was like that. Yeah, his register was slightly higher. Who passed away? Oh, he died? Oh, no. The father died? He did? He just died this year. Wait, who passed away? How recently? Matt Roloff is mourning the loss of his father, Ronald James. No, no.

To his dad following his death. Ronald was... No, no, that's his fault. So it's like the grandfather. Oh, that's okay. Those die. Yeah, that guy. There he is. This guy's the best. Yeah. I love him because he's such a little visionary. Okay. It's a weird voice. It's a weird voice. It's strange. No, he's not like, we put the house on the... Yeah. No, it's not. It doesn't sound like you. That's like the Richard Pryor white voice more than anything. Yeah.

Okay, I mean, he does have a silly, funny, tiny, adorable little voice. I want a full-size bitch to suck this dick. That's what he's going to say. Anyway, the sun is hot. They've got like a hot sun. Full-size?

No, a hot LP. Oh, wait. They have a full size. He's kind of a silver fox, this guy. Yeah. Because they have a normie. Yeah, they do. And he's hot. Yeah, he's good looking. That's great. I mean, I'm sure he's just like wakes up in the morning. He's like. Thank you. Thank you. Genetics are wild. All right.

Mike Bridenstine's, aka Brido's, new book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong, is out now. It's about the history of the Chicago comedy scene from 1995 to 2009. Features some of the biggest comedians that you have grown to enjoy and love. Kyle Kinane, Hannibal Buress, Kumail Nanjiani, Matt Bronger, Beth Stelling, Pete Holmes, T.J. Miller.

Bergazzi was there briefly. Yeah. Bergazzi was there. Cameron Esposito. Yeah. It's a pretty crazy list and it must have been a crazy time. Lots of fun, exciting stories. Alcohol fueled. Yes. A lot of violence in there. Cool. All the stuff that we love and is filling my Instagram algorithm.

Thank you very much for coming in. I'll see you in 750 episodes. 750. I will see you in about 12 years, 12, 14 years. Yeah. We'll have very different lives by then. Move to another city. Another city, for sure. Yeah. We'll keep moving east. I'll see you in New York. Great. In 2037. I'll be ready. All right. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for having me. See you guys. Bye, mommies. It's a band now.

Please don't.

Seriously? How do you like your new bra?

Is that true?

Yeah.

Bye.