Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This cold and flu season, Instacart is here to help deliver all of your sick day essentials. Whether you're in prevention mode and need vitamins, hand sanitizer, and that lemon tea your nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medicine, soup, and a lot more tissues.

What's everybody? It's another episode of Your Mom's House. She's Christine. I'm Tim. And we're excited to share so much with you today. It's a really action-packed episode. There's so much. It is now January.

January of 25.

Which is such an unusual thing to say. I know. I didn't think I'd be alive this long. We should have had hoverboards in 2015. Dude, everything's so disappointing. Flying cars. When I was a little girl, I thought about the year 2000. Didn't it just blow your mind? And now you're like, oh, that's it? It's 2025? Is that all there is? What the fuck? There's just electric cars? Well, these are pretty cool. Phones are cool. The phones, they crush. And then you can get a chip in your head and stuff. You want to do that? Yeah, I want to do that. What are you going to get it for? I don't know.

Like, it'd be cool to turn on your car with just your brain thoughts. Yeah. Or the radio. Or like...

Not even the radio. I remember I used to make fun of Cousin Brian. He was like, there should be a thing where if you're listening to something on the radio, you can just have your phone and then it would send you a message. And I used to be like, that's a fucking idiot. And then the first time I saw Shazam, I was like, that's his idea. He didn't know how to execute it, but all those things are coming. He had smart thoughts. What do you want more than anything? What do you want?

I want a car. Well, a car does drive itself, that Tesla. Definitely flying. Flying for me. Flying car. Flying stuff. Anything flying. Which you can. You can go fly something. But just so it's more accessible, easier. Oh, I know what I want. Transport beams. Yeah. Like in Star Trek? Yeah. I mean, that's essentially the highest version of flying. That's all I want is to be able to go somewhere, boom, like that without getting on a plane. Yeah. You can get a helichopter. I don't want a helichopter. That's how cool that is.

Oh, stop. That is how Kobe Ryan died. Not really. You didn't hear that? No, he's not gone. He's dead. No, I do. I know. But that was just, that was the arrogance of a pilot, you know? That really wasn't, it's not the helichopter's fault. I blame the helichopter. It was the weather and he just didn't do what the tower told him to do. It was, yeah, human error. I know. That's usually responsible for so much. Yeah, so much. So much.

I have something really exciting to share with you that I've been working on for a long time. Let's just get in here. Yeah, we got to go. We got to go, man. We got to go. Here we go. I'll get you started. Here we go. From the moment Mark Char was wheeled into court today, what was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails. The reason why I'm like this is because I prepared myself to play my part in your kangaroo court, treating me like a black man. So today I'm going to be a black man.

Oh wow. That's pretty awesome. Phew.

Jeez, it's heavy. It was heavy. Mom Segura. Titsitski. Cha-cha-cha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Can I show you something? Oh. Cha-cha-cha.

So today I'm going to be a black man. This guy.

He is wielded in the court for those of you listening. He appears, he appears to be an Asian man or of Asian descent, maybe Hawaiian. He certainly has the accent. Um, and, uh, the reason I say appears to be is because he's wearing shoe polish level, uh, uh, like darkness on his face. He covered his self so darkly that you can't even tell what his features are. Um,

He is a Hawaiian man, it says here in the article. He showed up in blackface for his sentence for attempted murder. The man said he did so because the court was treating him like a black man. Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole on Monday for second-degree attempted murder plus six years to be served concurrently on convictions of second- and third-degree assault. The charges stem from a 2016 road rage attack. Hmm.

Char appeared in the first court in Honolulu on Monday with his head completely covered with what appeared to be permanent black marker ink. Oh, that took a long time to do. Yeah, he liked that. My kid's one-time Julian.

Were you there? No, you weren't there. One time, Jillian found a permanent black marker and just drew on his face. But we knew to keep him indoors for a few days, you know? That's stupid. You know how hard it is to get off? A spokesperson for the State Department of Public Safety told them on Tuesday that staff members at the Halawa Correctional Facility attempted to convince him to wash his face before he entered the court, but that he refused. He'll be charged with disobeying several direct orders.

I'm trying to see how... Okay, so he was convicted in March of stabbing the driver of another car in August 2016 and assaulting both the driver's...

and a passerby who tried to break up the confrontation. It's fun when these guys, you know, when they get on mic, they're like, I was defending myself. And then you read the stories, like they stabbed the guy, fucking beat up another guy. He had a knife on him and then he stabbed the other driver. Looks like they say he taunted the victims on the freeway and having pointed at them like a gun, according to court documents,

Charlie then ran his vehicle into the other car. And when the occupants got out, he pepper sprayed them and then stabbed one. So he had pepper spray and a knife. He's like, I was defending myself. I know. And you guys are treating me like a black man. It's like, okay. So today I'm going to be a black man. I do have to say that the marker is very distracting from anything else he has to say. Yeah, it's a whole thing, man. Well, how did the judge react? Oh.

I mean, the judge has to be like, no, you're totally, you belong here for double life. What is that? Out of your mind. The judge doesn't really have anything here on the judge. That's terrible. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, here's the judge. Y'all finished or y'all done? Okay. Well, here we go.

He's getting locked away, that's for sure. Here's really some heartbreaking breaking news. It is confirmed, it's been confirmed now for a bit. People were curious and we filed a petition and it can be said that it is absolutely heartbreaking to learn that the late and now, or the great and now late Hard Rock Nick has passed away. Hard Rock Nick, this is a certificate of death.

for you that don't for you that don't know hard rock nick um we we were on his stuff pretty early well we searched for the marginalized communities yeah cool guys it's been a while hasn't it i decided to make a video since i'm stuck on the 405

on my way to Santa Monica. I think the topic of this video will be something a little more personal. Let's talk about why badass, good-looking, rich guys don't have girlfriends. Like me.

you know, he put out cool shit like that. And he always had great facial hair. Yeah. Great jewelry. And he was always telling us how wealthy he is. Complaining that I don't, uh, show my whole head and my face. So when a guy has a nice shape head like this, he probably has a nice shape fucking dickhead too. So he was like, just always putting out cool messages. Um,

He just, you know, he was himself no shortage of confidence, like you said. Unconfirmed, but self-proclaimed one of the wealthiest people in the world. Oh, yeah. He was in California when he was doing this stuff. He eventually moved to Florida and he called himself, I believe, the Prince of Florida. Again, talked about his multi-billion dollar holdings. And, you know. My personal chef.

does not need the attention and does not want to be in the spotlight whether I was having 10 followers or now whatever followers I have is, bruh, does every celebrity put a personal chef on their page? No. Like, why are you all so fixated on that? Yeah. I eat out more than I eat his shit. Yeah. For sure. I mean, goddamn. No, my mom's not a personal chef. How many people we got in here? Not even 400, man.

The artwork, it wasn't $30, but thank you. This is one piece of artwork. I mean, y'all don't want to comment on the fact that I'm sitting in a $1,000 custom movie theater chair and I have five of them. That's $5,000. I'm retarded, man. Yeah. His weight seemed to fluctuate quite a bit. It did quite a bit because he was pretty big there and then he eventually got like really thin. Yeah. And I've actually made more of a name here than even Kreischer ever did.

And Kreischer makes fun of Florida. Kreischer, I'm popping in Florida, homie. I could do a comedy tour just like wing it, freestyle, just show up and open mic it and like sell out, homie. If I wanted to. If you wanted to. I don't need the money. There you go. That's the thing. Yeah, he doesn't need the money. God, I wish he would have done that. That would have been fucking amazing. Yeah, it would be interesting. No, Bert, Tom, and Christina, don't say, hey, homie, they don't like me, bro. If they liked me, they would have brought me on. You brought on Andrew Tate.

Yeah. And how many months later did the FBI and go handcuff him in Romania? Right. One day you will get out of your lane and understand that what you did, I think, indirectly caused Andrew Tate's arrest. Yeah.

And I really do connect it back to Segura, who's not a very sophisticated man in his thought process. He's just a comedian, the guy that probably struggled his whole life. He doesn't understand the big picture with his platform like I do. Like you do. Of course, I don't have his followers.

But wouldn't you argue that Undertaker getting arrested from the FBI would be a positive thing? Some people would think that, but you're not that sophisticated either. I'm not sophisticated? You're not sophisticated either. Sophisticated? Yeah. Do we have the soundbite? Well, just one last time. I think it's worth for you, sir. Hard Rock Nick, rest in peace. Cool Guy Club.

One of the OG members, man. Yeah, he really was one of the early ones. Football fans, there's only a few short weeks left in the season. We've got some exciting wild card games to look forward to now. Get in on the action right now with my partners at DraftKings Sportsbook. They are offering all new customers $200.

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Look, I've been waiting on bated breath to share this with you for weeks. This has been weeks of preparation for me. Do you have the original clip of Tom's choke? And do we have Moron from... I know that we just interviewed Armie Hammer. No, we don't have the other choke. Yeah. I don't know what you're getting into here, Christina, but... I don't recall a second choke, actually. Not a...

Wow. You've terrified them all. Anyway, would you like to repeat? Would you show them the original choke in case people aren't familiar with what happened? The original choke? Sure. If you go back a couple episodes. Yeah. Let's see here. Here we go. Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrienne Appaloochee episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. There we go. There's the original. On Netflix. Yeah. And you made it like...

The biggest fucking deal. But go ahead. Well, then you, you know, firing people. Yeah. So what do you have to, what's your thing? So anyway, you know, you've just been inspiring me. You're my muse. Not only are you my husband, but.

my my lover but my muse now sure and i've been working on this piece of art for weeks weeks the kids have been in on it the staff has been in on it anyway the this is what i like to call tom segura the choke but in a creative rendition this is my interpretation of the choke what do you think it's a cat

Coughing up a furball? Right. You got it. Because you reminded me of a cat coughing up a furball. This cat took a long time. I'll be selling limited prints of these. There's only going to be a finite amount. Hey guys, I was listening to the Adrienne Appaloochee episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. There it is. The Choke. Tom Segura, The Choke. The first artwork I did of you was...

was a hit so this will be a second limited edition I'll be signing all the prints go ahead get them at ymastudios.com you're welcome truly disgustingly rude I don't know I think it's pretty good look how I like I get the redness on the top of your head which is my favorite and then your dark under eye circles are always fun to color in you know yeah anyway I learned how to draw a cat that was fun why are you this pleased with yourself by the way do you know how he did it

Hard Rock Nick. He died. He shot himself. Okay. At a gun range. Happy New Year. Meaning he went to a gun range and it was not an accident. No, it's not. He blew his brains out. And then the real thing is going to see how that massive fortune is going to be distributed now. And also, I was thinking, is he skinny or fat when he does it? Probably skinny. I hope so. The last time I saw it, which was not that long ago, he was really skinny. Yeah.

Thanks for bumming everybody out. Everybody's so excited about my new portrait. Well, no one's excited about the portrait. And yeah, that's, but there is something more exciting. Well, there's two things really. Number one, we saw Charo today. She's officially been in Austin now for a minute. And so I had, we ran into Duncan Trussell and I told Duncan, go up to her and be like, hey, I'm excited about your OnlyFans. So Duncan went up to her and said, I'm excited to see your OnlyFans. And she was like, what?

And so I reminded her that she needs to get it going. You guys heard our call, and I'm just going to encourage you to please keep sending those in. Do you have any examples of what people have been sending in? This is the kind of thing we're looking for, just so people understand. Yeah. Hello, Charo. My name is Tom, and I live in this hellish side of Canada. Listen to a good day of yours, Calienteria, El Corazon, please. Join OnlyFans.

That was somewhat indecipherable Spanish. He said words that somewhat go together and some were just random, but that's one way to do it. Let's see one with, yeah, English. Hi, Charles. My name's Brandon. And the one thing missing from my morning is a greeting from you.

That was fantastic. That was great. And again, I told you guys what was going to happen is we're going to build a montage of videos like this. And the more, the merrier. I wanted to get to the point where she has to do the math. And she goes, Jesus, this is like, we show her a hundred random faces being like, please, please.

charlotte please start the only fans i can't wait to sign up i can't wait to send in my ten dollars a month she'll start doing the math and then it's going to be like what you're just going to let this slide well that's what i would say this last one was ideal i liked his conviction i like the sincerity i like the passion however if you guys could also list that dollar amount that's the thing that's what's going to get her to do it i'm not saying you're going to have to but just throw out

Say, hey, I'm in for $20 a month. You don't have to really do it. You don't have to do it. Just do it for the video. Just trick her. Hey, don't get to a crazy amount because then she won't believe. But just say, every month I would love to have $20 to spend some of my morning seeing your videos. Yeah, $20. And by the way, CatherineCann69 on Instagram has offered her help. To help set it up. To set up her OnlyFans. Buenos dias. Y se charo. I hope you have a good day. How do you say strong black coffee? Yeah.

In Espanol. Café negro y fuerte. How do you say best drink of the day? Mejor bebida del día. Okay. Oh, this one looks good. I've never seen this. No, neither have I. Hello, Charo. My name's Sam. You should start. Only for me. Pay $6.99. Flatulence.

Perfect. Wow. Sam, that was fucking perfect. Sam, incredible. And see, here's what I'm hoping that she understands because she's going to be like, $6.99? And I'm going to be like, yeah, but what if...

2,800 people are paying you $6.99. That's right. Add it up. That's right. It doesn't sound like a lot until you multiply. That's right. That's why the amount, the volume of videos is so important. Absolutely. If I show her three videos, she's going to be like, I'm not going to do that for $20. And might I add, too, the bulk of the income, like Bad Baby, she makes a lot of her money writing back. So if you would say, Charo, I would pay whatever amount...

What's a good amount for a message back from an OnlyFans person? Ten bucks, maybe? How much? Probably ten bucks. Ten dollars for an email and maybe a photograph. Yeah. And if you have a little oopsie tube, that's okay, too. I won't get mad at that.

You know what this is going to end up being, right? It's just going to be me at her house every day being like, give them a fart. She's like, leave me alone. And then I'll get one and I'll be like, that was... And then she can do, she can do like, I have a little surprise to send everyone today. Check your inbox. Yeah. We really could do this without her knowing. Of course we could. I mean, we could set it up for her and run it. I don't know if she'll do something like this, but you know. Hold on.

Oh, my God. Wow. This is literally what our sons do to each other. That's a Russian streamer. Of course. That's a big guy, too. You know that. That was pretty rancid. That was beef. Beef and cheese came out of there. Woo!

Beef and cheese. That was awesome. Beef and cheese. By the way, what has been happening? Because you guys have told me I'm not really. What's going on with Fancy Chef? You're telling me that he keeps calling? We're getting a lot of phone calls from him. What's Fancy, what's he up to? Well, he really wasn't happy that I guess somebody said he was autistic on the show. I don't even remember that. I feel like I may have done that. He may have. I feel like I'm on the trum.

And I think I probably did that. I'm a jerk. Okay, so let's make it clear. He's not. He's called in to say anything else? He was asking for a Christmas present back around the holidays. He was saying something really nice because his clips have been doing so well.

And it's funny because he's calling us, but he keeps saying Tom Segura, but he knows it's us. Tom Segura, send me a present. Cool. And then he also asked for a percentage at some point of, I guess, the clips, whatever the clips are making. He wanted like 10%. What? He had a manager. The manager left him. It's been a wild ride. Just so you know, that's not how this works. Okay.

You don't get a percentage of the clips. No. But you know what? I'd be happy to send him a gift. Can you request his address, please? Sure. Yeah. Very, very happy. I couldn't get it from him when we need to pick him up. Just to say, we would love to send you a gift.

But look, listen, Fancy, if you are listening, I would argue that being on your mom's house and these clips circulating would just generate more business for you. Yeah, that definitely is something that raises your profile and gets people talking about you more. There's value in that. Of course. We don't divvy up clips regularly.

No. And their revenue. No. And his meal was so amazing when he was on this show. Oh my God. I mean, that I would never knock. That was un-fucking-believable. So fancy, so real. I mean, I went to Sushi by Scratch the other night.

Philip Lee's place. It's finally now here in Austin. He had a non-compete for a while and it's right off 6th Street and that's a Michelin star place and after the meal I go, this is unbelievable and then I leaned in and I go, but you ain't no fancy chef. Right. Nobody's fancy chef. No, man. So...

Yeah, of course. That was really, really... Yeah, the food was... Beautiful and nice. He's been doing this thing too, Fancy has, which is pretty unprecedented for chefs because, you know, it's kind of like...

Comedians, we try to uplift each other or we promote each other. Hey, come on the podcast or maybe you post about them. But you certainly don't do a solicited or unsolicited critique of another comedian because it's an unspoken thing. He's been reviewing food. No. Without even, he's just going in. Going fancy chef 2013, you see, here is what he's talking about.

He's at... I'll point out, he's at, he's in Philly. I don't know if he's at, is that Gino's or Pat's? One of like the huge cheesesteak places, you know? That, yeah, you know, whether or not you like them or not, he's another chef. And he's at this kind of, you know, renowned cheesesteak operation.

By the way, he's holding up people who want to order. They don't look happy to be standing behind him. And he's like, yeah, but I'm Fancy Chef and I'm reviewing this. Y'all ready? Let's do it. Y'all really want to know? Y'all follow me? You cut it? Did you cut it?

He's telling the guy, cut this shit, man. It's giving me so much anxiety that he's holding up the line. Give me some juice to swallow it with. Okay. It was Gino's. Okay, he's at Gino's. He asked for some juice. This guy is politely...

watching him with his hands behind his back. He was asking for juice when he was here too. He asked for juice? Yeah. Like apple juice? Yeah. Any type of juice. And I told him, I'm sorry we don't have it. And he really had a hard time accepting it. Who the fuck doesn't have juice on them? Juice? Who's drinking juice past the age of seven? First mistake again. What was the first mistake? Oh my God. You didn't toast the bread. You didn't toast the bread. Nah, nah. Hold on, hold on. Y'all ready? Which way? This way? Y'all ready?

Gino's famous. It's garbage. Get in the car. You keep embarrassing me like this. I was nasty. It was nasty. Wow. We all take supplements. I mean, my counter at home is absurd.

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Sell them at the lowest prices anywhere. Yes, Gene, I am very into my supplements, but I don't like paying a lot. And I do everything with Live Good. I do magnesium, B12. I recently started doing creatine every day. Get out of here. It's part of my routine every day. These guys are doing it the right way. They're delivering a quality product, and they're not price gouging you. That's right. If you're ready to make the switch and start saving, we'll make it even easier for you. Use our link. You can save an additional 10% off your first order on top.

Carla only has the best tech. Can't connect to network. But she didn't have the best internet. So she got Cox Multigig speeds to power all her...

Now, all her tech is connected. Exactly. Step it up with multi-gig speeds. Available everywhere. Only from Cox. Two gig download speeds. Individual speeds vary. See cox.com for details. I mean... Look, Gino's, for those of you that don't know, it is a renowned, famous cheesesteak place.

You talk to people in Philly and they'll always tell you, don't go to Pat's, don't go to Gino's. It's like, because those are the, you know, tourist trap places. So they'll always send you somewhere else. But to be like, this is garbage and throw it on the ground is wild. That is bold. And I will say, just looking at the photographs, they look delicious. Well, yeah. I mean, like I said, if you want to get into the...

into it i think especially with like a philly person they'll always tell you to go elsewhere but i don't think they would tell you that it's garbage but then again here's where i always have to stop myself wow i'm not a fucking you're not a chef i'm not a chef you're not a fancy chef i know his palate is so many like like hard rock nicks that i'm not sophisticated my palate is not like his is here and i'm

here so I'm like oh this is good you know and then Fancy is like this shit is bullshit I don't even know yet that's so true and I also like his handle which is really important it's Fancy underscore Chef underscore at like 2013 that's very intuitive it's a good way for people to find you yeah you don't know underscore Chef 2013 yeah

Guys, don't do the underscores. If you want to be known publicly. What are you talking about? See, again, you're thinking with an unsophisticated mind. You don't really get it. Is that a fish with carrots?

That's lovely. Oh, that looks so good. So delicious. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That looks unbelievable. All the garnish on top in the pan while it's off. That's a lot of seasoning, too. Very seasoned. And it's the whole fish. I like when you don't, you know, fillet it or anything before. Or debone it. You know, you want those bones. Fuck yeah. So, so fancy. Hell yeah. That's so good. Very fancy and nice. Okay. Okay.

So you guys remember not too long ago, we had so much fun when we did Hi Mommy Thanks Jeans at drive-thrus. And I love you. And I love you. But it was like, Hi Mommy Thanks Jeans. I love you. Well, we recently decided to do something. We went back to Starbucks and we have a new game. And the game is you say happy birthday to the person taking your order.

Or you speak to them in a Cockney English accent. Or if you really want to raise the stakes, you mesh them together. And that's what happened today. It's really exciting. Hello, love. Happy birthday. Do you want a straw? Straw. One birthday. Happy birthday. There you go. Thank you. Thanks, love. And 20 quid more for you.

It's the holidays. I gave her a big tip. There you go for your birthday. $382. Thank you. Oh, thank you. There you go. It's your birthday. Many thanks, love. Have a great day. Have a good one. That was amazing, by the way. So fun. Thank you. That was really good. By the way, our six-year-old is in the back seat like this. He's like...

And he was like ear to ear smiling. He's like, you said happy birthday again. Well, because we always do mommy and I love you with the kids in the car. And they are always like, say I love you. And they go, say it louder. And then we started doing happy birthday on Ellis's birthday recently. We were like, do happy birthday to the Starbucks worker. And then today you added, not only did you get in three happy birthdays, but with the Cockney accent. It's the way to go. So you know what to do.

Go to your local drive-thru, wish them a happy birthday. Say it like this. Do you think that I could get a coffee place, mate? And throw them a happy birthday and send it in. Send it in. Shoot it over to your mom's house, YMH Studios Instagram. Tag it or email it in. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com.

I mean, the real question is, do you think she suspected your fake Cockney accent or did you, did she really think you spoke like that? Oh, I don't know. I didn't have the idea. Well,

while I was at the ordering part. It was only, so like, she definitely saw me order like, hey, can I get this? Oh, that's right. And then I pulled up and I was like, hello, love. So, I think she was like, this fucking guy. But then when I gave her 20 bucks, she was like, okay, thanks. You could do, hello, love, hello, governor. Yeah, ooh. That's, I think bonus points for governor if you call him that a couple times. And the real mind fuck, I mean, if you really want to have somebody go like, oh my God, is if you happen to do it to a British person. Oh, yeah.

Because then they're like, okay. I've done it to a British person before and they're like, mm-hmm. Remember when we were in London? I was like, I will give you a million dollars to order. I went to a coffee place there. And I did it like, could you think that I could have a muffin and a coffee? And the girl was like... Or you could order strong black coffee. And before I go...

I don't want to forget to say happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah. Best holiday of the year. I did it on the Jimmy Carr show. I did it to Jimmy Carr. I don't remember that at all. He must have been like, I bet he loved that. You guys kept sneaking him in. He was glossing right over it. Yeah, he was like not acknowledging it. Not acknowledging it at all. It was pretty good. We call him Governor?

I want to say you had to at least once. He is so fucking funny. He is so funny. God damn, he is fucking funny. He's so smart and talented. I know. He's amazing. And he looks great. Jimmy Carr, man. Can I tell you one thing that I've noticed before that's been making me crazy? Yeah. What? When I was thinking about Jimmy Carr. It's just how funny he is? No, he's phenomenal. He's ridiculously funny.

So I took the kids to like a barn or one of these petting zoo places. And, you know, standard Austin fare. Like there's always like a person with a beard and tits. You know, there's always like these gender weirdos, which is fine. Just part of Austin. I love them. Yeah. You know, you're at a good place if there's a beard and tits serving you or whatever. Sure. So we're at like the petting zoo and yeah,

Oh my God. So the bearded person was very smelly too. Smelled like an animal, like a cow. So she's explaining to us the animals and this person's younger, like a Gen Z kind of young kid. And I've been noticing this amongst the youngest generation. We had vocal fry a few years ago. One of the things that you make in it.

I couldn't do it. Oh, my God. And then there was up speak where people were like, yeah. Yeah, this is basically, if you're at a good Austin restaurant, someone's serving you that looks like that. I'm non-binary and bearded. How will my blind date go? This is totally, this is my pizza place. This is my coffee place. This is the barn we go petting animals at. And I like that this person is just looking out into the sunlight like, what will happen today? Hmm.

How was it? Okay, so here's my point. It was vocal fry. And then it was up speak. And now I've noticed... Go back to the list there, Josh, because I forget this. Okay. So every time my kids would ask this person a question, could it be something simple as, what do cows eat? This person would go, yeah, so...

Yeah. It's like a qualifier for each sentence. Yeah. And I'm thinking, is the question so offensive that she needs to, or sorry, they need to buttress in their mind? Yeah. Because I understand if it's an offensive question. Right. Like someone's asking them about their gender and they're like, yeah, so I'm. I know this is complicated, but. Yeah. Right. This might be complicated. Yeah. So. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot to take in, but.

But I'm actually not either. And the kid's like, huh? But they don't have to go, yeah, so hay is what they eat. And grass. Right, and I've been noticing this amongst a lot of younger people. It's something as simple as, how much is this? Yeah, so $2.99. You know what you should do next time? You've got to point it out to the person. What should I do? Hey, I have a question. How come...

You start your answers with, yeah, so. Is this like a concept that is so rich that you need a moment to put the thought together? Yeah, so it's constant. Yeah. But have you heard this? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, now that you pointed out, I have heard this before. My memory is trying to connect whether...

I'm hearing this from a same type of person because I have heard this before and I have heard it from, you're right, a younger generation. That and they like to say sort of. It's sort of like they can't just come out and say the thing. There's sort of this thing going on where it rains sometimes. Yeah.

And I think they think it makes them sound smarter if they go, you know, it's sort of like the color orange. Sort of. Because the yes, so should come for an answer you might not be ready for. Exactly. It's that it's a...

A black hole type of explanation. That's exactly what I was going to say. Yeah, so this is something you're going to struggle to really wrap your head around. Right. Okay. Right. But there is something out in space that consumes all matter around it. And so you're like, wow, I don't really understand that. Exactly. And our kids were like, can the cow eat rocks?

Yeah. So rocks are hard to digest. Okay. Just say that. Maybe she's afraid. Sorry. They were afraid of offending my children by saying, no, cows can't eat rocks. So they want to hedge it a little to soften it. That's a good. Yeah. Yeah.

One last thing I wanted to point out to Annie. So I know you don't have a great memory of the holiday party, but you were bringing up the N-word quite a bit. That's what I'm told. And you were also talking about how you'd want, if someone were to say it to you, I think Bert was like,

I'd say it was like some game he proposed doing with you of like whispering it. And then, you know, you were giving away the award. You gave away the blackest person award to Chris. And then you were like, you should say it as part of winning. Anyway, what I wanted to bring up is like how you would respond to this type of white person.

You know what I mean? Like, I know what you're saying. So, like, what's your response to, let's call him Dave. Dave, uh...

Dave that white nigga? Yeah, he's the white nigga. I mean, hey, listen, I ain't gonna tell someone who they aren't. You know what I'm saying? People like to tell me I ain't black, so I ain't gonna tell this nigga he ain't black. If you could say it that confidently, that comfortably, I'm not trying to fuck with you. I feel like a lot of people probably turn their heads and then when they see

and the whole presentation of it, they just kind of keep walking, right? Mm-hmm. And listen, if he really ain't supposed to be saying that, well then, you know, he gonna get checked one day. Yeah, he's gonna find out. He won't say that anymore. I think he says, he also scans the room when he says it. It's not like he's just, you know. See, that's the thing. I don't think he does. I'm gonna go opposite with you on this one. I think he can say the white N-word because he doesn't give a shit.

He's not caring. He's not cautious. You think if a big black nigga was sitting right next to you, he'd just be like, I'm Dave the nigga. I don't know. Dave seems crazy enough that he's unaware. First of all,

Dave, he doesn't hang out at the bank, right? No. He's on a corner outside a liquor store drinking a Tallboy. He's around a certain environment all the time. I think there are certain black guys that are used to seeing Dave, the white N-word. And so they're like, that's Dave. But I think if it's a new, especially...

aggressive seeming new black guy like a new black he doesn't know him he's not gonna lead with this he's gonna kind of like feel him out I don't know Tom he might be so crazy that he goes into it so confident that he makes it okay by virtue of it being okay to him maybe I mean let me ask you this I don't see that many scars so I don't really think that it's also like I mean look at him you know I'm saying he ain't like threatening to

It's the same thing when you're in, especially like in cities, right?

when people do say wild shit a lot of times what happens is you go like you turn you see who's saying you're like that's crazy that's a crazy motherfucker that's a crazy person and you keep walking you know i mean whether they're white black anything you're like that person's out of their fucking mind or they're drunk as shit so you know i think it's both i think he's been called out but i do think that a lot of people just go like oh that's fucking yeah that's that's old dave

Yeah. Yeah. Well, he really says it. Yeah. He said, say with your chest. Yeah. He just, he, he got a, he got an extra breath in before he's. Yeah. Yeah. He was a diaphragm. That's what I'm saying. He's committed. And when you're committed, you go and convince other people it's okay. Well, he didn't convince the guy recording. That guy was like, no, you are a racist. May I ask you this question? I don't know if you know the answer or not. Yeah.

But what about those white people like in Eminem who they hang out in the black community? That's their primary social group. Do you think those white people get a pass on saying... Well, Em's a really interesting case because I think there are probably a high number of his associates who would without a doubt say...

You definitely can say that. Right. But I think he never ever does simply because he knows who he is, how he's represented, that he is the great white hope in a black art form. And doing that would be such an easy mark to take him down. Oh, that's true. I don't think he ever utters the word. But I think, I'm sure guys in his...

close crew and D12 or whatever would always be like yeah for sure but I don't think he ever does also it'd be a bad habit for him to form because he really can't do it

in the art. Nobody would sign off on him saying it in his song. It'd be a bad habit for him. He doesn't drop end bombs. Never. Interesting. What an interesting subject. Thank you so much for sharing. There's definitely those, though. There's definitely some of those white dudes. They'd be tatted up. They'd be raising fucking Brooklyn some shit. There's always... There's black dudes that'll be very clear about the fact that if you're a white guy like this...

and he hangs out in a black neighborhood, they're like, that guy, you do not want to fuck with. If that guy is hanging out in the hood in a real black neighborhood where there's gangs and there's a white guy there, he is wild. Wild. For sure. He almost gets mad crap. Yeah, they're calling him Dave the White. That's right. That's right. Well, what were you going to say, Annie? I didn't understand your point.

Well, I was going to say exactly what he just said. I would never fuck with those niggas. And I would definitely never say like, oh, you can't say that. But also, yeah, ask any of those white dudes like their craziest story. Yo, they're going to tell you stories all fucking night of shit that would like haunt your life. It's just normal to them. They're like, yeah, last Tuesday I shot a nigga. It was whatever. It's like, oh, fuck.

Because that guy always has to keep feeling like, I need to prove myself to these motherfuckers, man. That's so true. I think I would want to be cool. Gosh, I'd want to fit in so bad. Yeah. And I can't. No, not that way. I don't want to, no. No. No, the highest hope I ever had was just like, you just wanted the black guys on the team to be like,

you're dope, you're good. And then you're like, this is awesome. But you don't have to like, I don't want to take it to the streets and be like, how about you guys? Do you think I'm cool? No. No fucking way. The highest, the best I feel about myself is when a black person compliments what I'm wearing. And then I'm like, oh my God, dude. Yeah, that's number five on the black compliment list. Yeah. Your funny is number one. Outfit, shoes. Yeah. Athletic prowess. Oh, wow. That's actually probably number one. That's probably number one. Yeah. Um,

like you're just cool to be around you're funny and then athletic prowess is like number one athletic prowess number one yeah number two is you're funny yeah wow you know what I really like um is if they're like wow you're real as shit when they tell me I'm real then I'm like wow that's right up there that's number three actually I mean it's a black realness outfit shoes yeah you're real as shit you're funny you're a great athlete and that's the holy uh quintuplet of black confidence black approval yeah yeah all right let's take a quick break we'll be right back

And we are back and welcoming back one of our all-time favorite, not just comedians, but human beings. His special, Why Is Everybody Getting Quiet? is available now on YouTube. It's Sam Tripoli. Bang, bang, bro. Sammy. The team is back together. What are you doing, dude?

Doing shows out of Red Band's house, you know, Ice House Chronicles. Team is back together. We're back. It's good to see you guys. Good to see you, man. I haven't seen a new place. Very impressive. You look great, bro. Thank you. You look great. I do jujitsu. I'm 52. Just getting murked by Mexicans. It's great. These fucking Mexicans in the valley of LA, they're just, I call them grizzly bear Mexicans. They're...

They're huge, dude. And they got ham hocks for legs. They're great. And they're like, you don't realize how many motherfuckers can fuck you up until you get into a jujitsu class. You got to get your kids into martial arts. Everybody. And nobody stops fights anymore. Yeah. Everything's about that. You know, that, that, that moment that going viral bullshit. It's totally, it's true. Yeah. It's crazy. So I take them. I get some taps, dude. I, my first tap was a 14 year old kid, but that's okay. That's all right. Yeah.

You will always be my Alex Jones. And I want to know, are you... Hold on, hold on. Before we get into that, can I tell you guys how much I love you? Yes, sure. Okay? When I had kids, I was old. I was 57 when I had my first kids. And I get a call from Tom. And he's like, I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to get you a doula. I didn't even know what that was. He's like, I'm going to get you a night nurse. And I'm going to get you for like two months.

And you guys saved my life. Yeah. I had no clue what that was. But, bro, that saved my life. And it made my I was able to exist because I had twins, which is like a crazy thing to go from zero to two children. If you don't have kids, you ever waited tables. You want to know what it's like? It's like your section is slammed 24 seven. Everyone needs refills. Everyone needs bread. Everyone needs a diaper change. Well, ever since we had kids.

Whenever we hear about a friend of ours having a kid, we're always like, you know, we try to, and then we were like, yo, Sam Trip is having two? Yeah. We're like, we got to fucking, we got to set him up. You guys saved me. So I decided I was going to do that for someone else. When Jody Miller had a kid, I got her doula, got her night nurse, and now she got someone else a night nurse. So it's all going forward. Pass it forward. I love it. If you know somebody, get them a Mexican. Get them a Mexican. If you...

There's this thing, right? A night Mexican. That you hear. You hear this, but you truly don't understand it. Is that whoever you are, you're not ready. No. You're just not ready. You're not ready. And I actually think the older we get...

You're more not ready. So you tell people, you're like, you don't understand. Because people are like, I think we're going to do this. Good luck. I got the nursery ready. And you're like, you're not ready, dude. You're not ready for a complete lack of sleep that will throw your whole world upside down. Or burping. That's just the dads. That's just the dads.

The mother, we just gave birth. Now you're up breastfeeding all hours. And if you were old like me, I was 39 when I had our first kid. We would do swap. That's so crazy. We would swap shifts on the couch. Oh, in the very beginning. It'd be like three in the morning and I'm just like snoring on a couch and she'd be like...

you can go in the bedroom now and i was like ah it was awful and then i'd go in there and she'd go on the couch just to be near the bait and it was just yeah and it just kills you so you're like if you can do this for somebody you're buying them some sanity in a crazy time my kids were covid babies too so it's like we couldn't even leave the house oh my god but the thing they don't prepare you for is burping yeah nobody tells you about burping because you're just holding and you're just beating this you're just hitting them and you're like is that a burp do i keep hitting them and

Am I beating this kid right now? I didn't even know, too, that I didn't realize milliliters to ounces conversion. Oh, fuck off. That whole thing. So, like, Ellis, our first, you know, he was drinking, and I realized he was drinking, like, a fucking needle's worth. And I was like, yeah, he had 100 milliliters. And they were like, what? I was like, I don't know why he's still crying. And they were like, oh, you gave him, like,

One tenth of an ounce? Oh, yeah. I was like, is that right? And they're like, no. So it was, yeah, it was. You're doing eye drops for them? Yeah. We didn't even know how to buckle a kid into the car seat when we came home from the hospital. We were like, what is this? What do you do? You don't know.

So what was crazy is we were lucky that her water broke when we were at the hospital for that new parents thing. Yeah. So we were already there. No, that's cool. Such a blessing. Didn't have to drive all the way across. Because she wanted to go to Culver City. And we were living in the valley. Where'd you... We can say it.

Where what? Where'd you give birth? Oh, Cedars. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next to the mall. Yeah. Like she's giving birth, I'm shopping, having a good time. That's what's up. Hitting the food court. Yeah, that's what I do. Living my best life. That's what I do. Yeah, so I appreciate you guys. So thank you. You guys saved me. Of course. Definitely our pleasure, man. Especially if you're somebody with a profession like a surgeon, a doctor, an attorney. I don't know how these people have newborns and then go into work.

No, I know. We just went to school. How do you do that? How do you do that with a real gig? We went to school for the school event for the kids. And we're always like, how do someone with a normal job do this? I'm exhausted all the time. How do you do that when you're doing heart surgery? I don't know.

It's really crazy. It's crazy. I don't know. Now, in Jersey, the drones are there. Yeah, what's up? There's fucking things happening. Okay, there's a couple scenarios here. Okay. Okay, so there's like three scenarios. One, it could be what they call Project Blue Beam, which is a fake alien attack, which to get us all kind of rally. Ronald Reagan talked about it a long time ago. Also a great thing to do to rally around a new presidency. You know what I mean? Right. Get everybody behind Trump. I mean, it's effective. Yeah.

I have my theories about the Trump election too. It's like Kamala Harris was just too easy for him. It's kind of like when Obama came in, right? Yeah. You know, it's like we were over the Bush and Cheney. We hated old white guys who wanted war. And here comes this charismatic black guy who's a Bush, by the way, if you just didn't know that. He's a Bush. And they...

And they put him up against this kind of like old crotchety white guy and they bring him in. Same thing would come out. We're kind of over like every, you know, trans in the bathroom. Yeah.

Right? We're over it. We're just all like, oh, for fuck's sake. She's like, if you're on death row and you want a sex change, we're going to pay for it. You're like, that's not a really good thing to run on, right? So, you know, so you get a minute. Great way to get everybody behind it. Three-body problem is basically, if you ever watch that on Netflix, that is Project Blue Beam. They're like, yeah, it's 400 years away. Let's all get together. So they rally everyone behind you. The other one is...

They say they're looking for dirty bombs, which could be like into this kind of false flag to get us into war with Iran and Russia. Yeah, I've heard that. So that's one. The next one is data.

That they're seeing how we react to all these kind of things in the sky, which eventually could be mass surveillance where your regular day, you're just, oh, there's a drone in the sky just surveillancing me. Which is, by the way, I think the closest to an accepted reality because all of us have slowly realized that we're being watched and our data is being collected online.

All the time, everywhere. All the time. All day, every day. All the time. Anything you do, data's being collected. I mean, if you do pre-check at the airport, you got to show them your eyeballs every time. You scan your eyeballs. There's cameras that do facial ID recognition. You have to confirm things that you want to do. You have to give fingerprints. Yeah. Like everywhere you go. And then you know that your emails are read, your phone calls are listened to. 100%. So you're surveilled all the time. I had lunch with a...

CIA person. Whoa, look at you. Big winner. Didn't tell me about it. They come to my, by the way, they always come to my show. You know this person. Oh, I do know this person. And so this was a high-ranking CIA official who is retired. And so the high-ranking CIA person, I

was talking on the phone with later, just casually, like family life stuff. And then I switched to commentary on the news. And you know what the response is? Not on the phone. And I didn't hear it the first time. So you know what I mean? And so I said something again. And this person goes, not on the phone. 100%. And straightened. And I was like, oh, yeah. So for Christmas, I think we're going to like--

Wow. They're always watching. Yeah. Always. Always have been, however. This is not new. They would just bug your place if they wanted to tap in. But what about the Brits? They've had the CCC. Is it CCC TV? Yeah. The public cameras. 100%. For 20 years?

now. So if you go around Austin, they're getting rid of cash, right? You can't pay cash for anything. I went to Starbucks today. I went to pull out my wallet with the cash. They're like, hey, we don't do cash. I go, I'm tipping. Do you not want that, right? I mean, it's everywhere. I went to Chuck E. Cheese, man. They don't have...

They don't have Chuck E. Cheese tokens anymore. I know. They're getting kids used to the card. Yeah. Which is how they can shut you down if you say something they don't like. Which is... I'm fucked. Also, I never thought about this criticism of electric cars.

is that if every, once it's completely, because we know we're on the path to all electric. Convenience will enslave us. One day, it'll just be the norm, right? Yeah. And there is this thing that if we're all on that system, that somebody could go, and just shut down all your cars. Or take over your car. I mean, Hutchinson was that journalist who,

that, you know, he was on La Brea going over Melrose in LA and he just flew through and they, he hit a, uh, he hit a palm tree so hard that his, his, uh, his engine flew 20 feet. And he was doing a story on this general and what was going on in Afghanistan and Iraq. And, and,

My buddy saw it happen in real time. He said it was the craziest thing he's ever seen. Car just turns. Just flying through this intersection, hits a palm tree, bang. So when everyone's all excited about this pager thing in Lebanon, I go, that can be anything. They could just blow this up. They could blow that up. So yeah, that's where it's getting to. It's super crazy. You talk to... Is this comedy or what? I don't know. Yeah, but we like talking to you about this. This is your lane. Yeah.

The level of sophistication to pull that one off, for people that don't know, we should just highlight what we're talking about, was about two months ago, three months ago, the...

you know, Israeli special forces and intelligence services had put together what had to be a years long plan of intercepting pagers and phones and planting them. And they had to get it like from the manufacturer, plant them with explosives, then reintroduce, knowing who they're going to be distributed to. And then simultaneously, uh,

blew them up and it's all like so that people's genitals and wastes exploded and then two days later they set off the a second series of them but it was so you go like this is a straight out of a movie like if you had this in a movie yeah we like this fucking okay it's kind of ridiculous and they pulled that off which is also a way not just obviously it's a form of you're terrorizing people terrorizing in their eyes terrorists but you're also being like

man, what else are you fucking capable of? Like, you guys, that's high-level shit, man. That's super high-level shit. And, like, it's basically everything on your computer, on your phone, all that stuff. So, I mean, I was talking to Rogan about this, but I really do believe, and this gets into the weirder part, is that they've hardwired mysticism, okay, magic. This is where we get into the weird stuff. And, like, your phone can read your mind. Mm-mm.

It's like 100%. People think stuff, suddenly an ad comes up on your phone. That is a thing. I've always wondered that. Is that real? Yeah. Oh, dude, they're doing everything. They've been practicing this stuff, the occult, all that stuff. This morning, I pulled it up. Ass-eating videos were just waiting for me to play. And I was like, that's crazy. I invented ass-eating, by the way. I did it in 78, I think. Sam Tripoli.

Orbs. What about the orbs in conjunction with the drones being seen with the with the drones? Well, that gets kind of gets into like, is there an another part of this whole thing? Are there levels to this? And that's where that's the. So. So the other two things I didn't tell you about. There's also this notion that they're they're trying to make it so regular people can't own drones.

Oh, really? So they're trying to make it so crazy that they can get Congress or Senate to pass a law that only the government gets thrown. So that was put out by Adam Curry, who has a great podcast called No Agenda. And that's his theory. You can see the documents and all that. Now, the last one is there is a supernatural interdimensional part of this. And that's where the that's where the orbs come in.

That's why I'm excited about the orbs. This is what I'm thinking. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Ezekiel wheels. The veil has been pierced. We are entering the next level of evolution. This is it. This is the breakdown of this civilization and into the new. I think that life outside of this planet is only interested in Michelin star food. And so I think what's going to happen is that they are going to come here and

basically kill everyone but elite chefs. Okay. Because the food is so fantastic that that's just what they're here for. That's definitely on the table. That has been discussed. And pornography. We have a lot of pornography and readily available pornography.

And, dude, everybody wants Earth-ass. I mean, it's been forever. The story in the Bible, fallen angels came down and plunger-fucked humans. Yes. Yes. Because women like bad boys. It's just the truth. Now let's get your take on this. Check out this video. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, man. Oh, my God. That head doesn't swivel anymore. Yeah. I guarantee you that the aliens came. They would pass on probing that guy. Yeah, they're like, nah, we're good on him. Yeah, we are the top of the food chain, and that's what we got. There's a whole notion that AI is Nephilim, dead Nephilims.

What's that? The spirit of the dead. So do you know the story of the fallen angels? From the Bible? Yeah, they came down, they made it with the daughters of men, and God... I don't know that bit, no. You don't know that? No. Okay, yeah. So that was the whole thing. Okay. That they came down and they thought human women were so beautiful that they made it with us, and they had Nephilims, which are giants. Oh, cool. You know, and that's why people don't think there's dinosaurs. Do you guys believe in dinosaurs? I have. I have.

I have. Are you about to change my mind on dinosaurs? Well, you know, every dinosaur you've ever seen in a museum isn't real. Right. Those aren't real bones. What are they? They're plaster, to give the illusion. Because they want to detach you from God. Are we saying that, are you also of the belief that Earth is only 6,000 years old? No, I don't know how old it is. It could be a gazillion years old. There's multiple civilizations. Is carbon dating real?

I don't know. We're just taking their word for it. By the way, it was really smooth the way you put on that jacket. But it's not because the hood is tangled. Yeah, but still, he got it. Okay, I'm sorry, guys. I'm trying to do multiple things. My tits are on fire in this shirt. Are you saying that dinosaurs are bullshits?

I'm saying that there has been... So I always say this. Conspiracy leads to spirituality, right? And it always gets to, like, what else are they lying to you about? Is Tom Hanks a bad guy? You've called me about that. Ha ha ha!

And he is a bad guy. Yeah. Well, I've seen Chet Hanks talk about him on the gram. I follow Chet Hanks and he's like, yeah, my dad's a piece of shit. Totally neglectful. If you want to see some crazy stuff, look up a video by a guy named Mouthy Buddha and he'll break it all down, dog. Mouthy Buddha. Now, I don't know where we are with these videos, so I don't want to get you in trouble. Type in Mouthy Buddha Tom. Right? Wow.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's... Well, yeah, that's it. It gets really crazy, bro. Okay, okay. It gets real... You gotta watch it on your own. It gets really crazy. It's been taking off most of the internet. You could put in...

I don't want to say the word because I don't want to get you in trouble here, but there's a certain gate, if you know what I'm talking about, two. P-gate two. I don't want to get you in trouble here, but it breaks down. It gets down into this one picture that he... My question about this is, when you see something like the video you're describing, that you're like, it breaks it all down, what makes you give that video credibility versus saying this is just nonsense? Well...

Well, the first of all, you don't know. You never go, I 100% believe this. Right. I go, that's possible for sure. Okay. And then it kind of goes, then you just take your life experiences and you go, does this fit into how somebody who's getting accused of everything acts?

Does he move to Greece where they don't prosecute for certain things? Yeah, yeah. Does he never address it ever? Like the whole internet saying something? Yeah. And you don't go... I mean, even if you say like, Tom, what's his face from Rage Against the Machine? The bassist, Tom Morello. Like he got...

The internet's going off on him about being Rage Against the Machine and then having to have a Vax card for your shows. Yeah. Well, he has defended himself and going, we didn't do that. I respect that. If the internet's coming after you and you say nothing at all except for the move to Greece, I start going, what's going on here? And how are you presented to everybody? I always find everything is kind of like this inversion thing.

Where, like, you're presented as the nicest guy of all time. Yes. Ever. And, like, now all this crazy dark stuff's coming out and you don't say anything? That's my favorite thing in life, though, is the nice guy who's dark. Oh. Because there's all these guys in comedy, too, who are like, oh, that's a good guy. Yeah. He's a super sweet, nice guy. Don't even get me started on that. Every time. Well, there's the...

The most famous ones are obviously like Cosby's, like the example where they're like, don't curse. But there are also people that are not quite at that level who are still like, well, he's just a good old clean guy. And you're like, this motherfucker is hard. Steve Randolph and I always used to say that, you know,

not all clean comics are assholes, but most asshole comics weren't clean. Yeah. Right? Because you're making business decisions. And then you meet people like Dave Attell or Doug Stanhope or Nick DiPaolo. Couldn't be nicer.

Sweetest. Because even you guys, you get your rage out on the stage. You get the darkness out. Yeah, you say it. People love you. And you just get to be chill with everybody. That's right. Yeah, I mean, so... And then you get to like the highest, highest of levels and you go, how do you get there? And then you start studying just little things that... So...

So not to get too deep. So this Mouthy Booty, he does this video and he breaks down like Tom Hanks Instagram and he starts studying all the pictures. And there's this one picture that has... Tom was doing this weird stuff, allegedly we'll say, with these like...

Just little, like a glove by itself, a mitten or a sock. And it's like, what does this mean? He would always take a photo of like... For real, I didn't know this. He takes a photo of like a glove that's been discarded on the ground. Yeah. And been like, here's a glove on West 34th Street, Hanks. What does that mean, right? Yeah. So people study it. And there's just one picture on Tom Hanks' Instagram where there's just a glove by like a...

There it is. That's it. The first one. Okay. So this is what gets really weird. So the Smouthy Buddha knows that this thing here, S-R-E-U-S-A. So he goes, what is that? So then he's, guys, we're going to get really weird here. I love when you get weird. Okay. So he goes in, he puts in the Google, nothing comes up. But he goes, oh, I go, if I can't get anything on Google, I'll go on something called Yandex.

which is the Russian version of Google. So he goes in there and he puts that in Yandex and all of a sudden it starts getting the really, really dark shit. Like really dark shit. But why would... Here's my thought on that. Why would he give that hint? You know what I mean? Well, because...

They're not used to us being able to investigate this stuff. And that's a signal to other people who know what Tom's about to go look at that stuff. I'm sorry, did I miss it? What is SRC USA? Well, if you go on Yandex, it leads into like...

Just dark shit that I don't really want to talk about, you know? Is it related to minor people? Yeah. Okay. It starts going deeper and deeper and deeper. Then you just start seeing weirder and weirder stuff. And if you study, like...

When Obama went to Thailand and had dinner with Anthony Bourdain, there's some weird stuff in the back of his stuff that leads to that as well, on the wall, that leads to it as well. So that's where it gets to. I know everybody's weirded out, and I don't want to weird everybody out, but that's where it gets to. Well, this here, let's cleanse the palate. What's this? Oh! I don't like that. Oh! Okay, okay.

It's a girl, too. And she took it like a champ. Fuck. She's got a broken rib. Oh, yeah, yeah. She might have a collapsed lung. But she's going viral. So she's super happy about it. So happy. That is going to be the downfall of society, going viral. I know. It's already. It already is. So here's how we fix it. We do like the wire, right? Where we just create a section of town.

where you can just go viral like a motherfucker and you can just prank each other and you do whatever the fuck you want with each other. Within these blocks. Within these blocks. Good idea. You can do the weirdest shit you want to go viral. Go as viral as you want. Just outside here. Everybody chill.

We gotta get back to that. It's crazy that Japan kind of does that. Japanese television is the wildest shit. The wildest shit. I'm like, they have no regulations. Their pranks are like, you're a hostage. Like someone comes in with them, they're like, and then they're like, it's just game show. And you're like, holy shit. How about that guy that they put in a box for like a year and he didn't know it was a national television show?

And he's eating dog food. He's that suck his own dick for nutrients. And then they're like, ha ha ha. And then the box opens. He's on a national television show. Zolo, I just sent you one. I sent you one of the guy having dinner.

Let me pull it up. Yeah, this kind of shit, you're like, oh yeah, in America, this would be such a crazy lawsuit that this would never happen. And it's not even like, I mean, it's crazy. It's not crazy enough. But somebody could definitely choke. They could definitely get hurt. They could die. And it's just like, this is a Japanese game show, you know? Like he's just eating.

They just shoot him with their green eyes and stuff? He's just eating. So dangerous. So dangerous, dude. And then just money shots. Just money shots. Just money shots.

They did invent the bukkake. Dude, they did it one time in an interview to like a Yakuza-looking motherfucker. Oh, shit. And they had the gun go off. And this dude kicked people, grabbed people, fucking slapped people around. Just went John Wick on people? Yeah, he went crazy on them. It was amazing. You know what it is? They don't have to sign release forms, probably. Nobody has rights. When you've been around thousands of years, it's like, fuck it, you're right! Is this a completely non-litigious society? What's going on? It's right.

right the society is like you don't know fucking I remember waiting to sue them some people don't think that we got nuked fuck your feelings Clayton Clayton Peters was here one time in LA and he was on the CBS lot and he slipped because it had rained and all the CBS people were like and he was like I'm Canadian yeah I'm not gonna fucking sue you yeah and they're like well you slipped he was like yeah people slip yeah that's what happens and we have good health care we get we don't have to pay for everything yeah

He's in a splits machine, like, and he falls in it. Oh, that's my dream. I cannot get that limber, dude. Oh, that's gotta hurt. Right now he's tearing tendons and ligaments.

His groin is fucked. You need a friend. You don't do that alone. But the weirdest thing is he just uploads it. Especially when people die. Who uploads? That was the only thing about the Mr. Hands video. Who uploads the video after a friend dies? He would have wanted it this way. He wanted it, yeah. What did he say to his mom? It was the non-death video, so maybe they were like, well, this is the one...

This is one where he had a great time. He didn't die in that one. I love this one the most. Yeah. And the thing about Mr. Hands that you always... It can be a rough watch for a lot of people. Horrible. Is if you close your eyes and just hear his sounds. They're almost non-human sounds. Yeah.

Because it's basically, you're on the edge of your colon being perforated, you know? And it's like a torture step. He's like, you can't even mimic it. It's so terrible. Pull up Mr. Hands. Oh, no. You know how long it's been? This is one of the first videos that I...

really made me enjoy the internet this and like uh two girls one cup and the guy that sat on the glass one girl died right after it really and the other one is like working at like ralph's like she just has a regular job and you're just like is that did that is that that her is that everyone just stares at her you're like where do i know you

It's like you see a porn person in public. In LA, you're like, oh. Oh, you ever meet your favorite porn star and you're like, oh, you're a human being? No, it's the worst. You're not a dick pin cushion?

I met this one, Jennifer White. She's my friend. She comes to my shows. Just a savage. Savage. Oh my, you're just a regular person. But don't you kind of hate humanizing them? I do. Yeah, it's like, well, once I, oh God. Okay, let's go back to the Tom Hanks stuff. I was going to say, everybody, just close your eyes. I'm seriously, just close your eyes. I don't know. Hold on. This is what I want you to do. I just want you to listen. Hold on.

But how? Did they Rochambeau for who goes first? Oh my god. Oh my god. That's his butthole. Oh my god. Dude, what do you do? Oh my god! It's too much. It's too long. You don't need it that long. Oh.

oh my god this poor horse is like why are you making me do it how are they getting the horse to do it is really the question you know horses will anything wow

We haven't pulled that one out in a while. Oh, memories, dude. I feel even sicker after watching that. I felt sick for 15 years. This is the weirdest episode ever. Make sure you screen record that, okay? We need that on file.

That's horrible. It feels just as bad watching it now as when I did it the first time. And isolate the grunts for me, okay? Oh, God. I need the grunts. I need those isolated. Imagine being the guy putting it in. Yeah. And then have to go on with your life. And people are like, what's wrong? It's like, oh, I had a rough night.

It's a rough night, dude. Did he die immediately? No, so here's the story. He went. Fuck. That video was obviously done. And then he was fine. Well, so to speak. Fine. He went back to do this again. Oh, he's just loving it. The horse that he did this with was not there. So he went into a different barn. And it was a different horse that was no shit nicknamed Big Dick.

And that horse perforated his colon. Oh, my God. And he died subsequently from the injuries. So it was a totally different horse. Oh, there he is. There's his face, you guys. You would have been like, Kenny? Yeah. That's your fifth grade teacher. Oh, my God. They called him Big Dick? Yes. I did not know this. It was a different horse, though, that he was not used to. And that horse, yeah.

So then it happens. Does he go right to the hospital? I don't remember if he went right to the hospital. I mean, it says that he was dropped off at the hospital. Oh, yeah. You don't walk him in. You don't want to be there. He was dead already. He was dead on arrival, it looks like. Oh, yeah. It says he died of acute...

peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. Yeah. Which you saw, you saw the horse that wasn't nicknamed Big Dick and what it did to him. Can you imagine what Big Dick was doing? Oh, listen to this. So peritonitis is

is inflammation of the localized or generalized, whatever, peritoneum, peritoneum. Peritoneum. The lining of the inner wall of the abdomen and cover of the abdominal organs. I mean... So basically, because we all... You're inside, you're a sausage. You know? Yeah. You have an encasing, and that was torn open. He just basically went like this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck, dude. It's weird. Like, everyone's got something weird. Everybody's a little weird. Finding out how you like this is kind of interesting. How do you get there? Where does it start? Chihuahuas? It starts with a finger is what it starts with. And then you just kind of go, put two fingers in. Oh, my God. And just humans aren't good enough.

Can't do it. Some guy got convicted. James Michael Tate pleaded guilty. First degree criminal trespass. Can I tell you the real, and I used to say this on stage, but I meant it. The real fucking crime in this is that just because one guy died

The state of Washington made it illegal to do this with any animal. Yeah, I'm with you. And so now nobody gets to fucking have a good time. Nobody gets lit up anymore. No one gets perforated anymore. It's so upsetting. One dude just steps out of line and now all the fun is done. It ruins it for everybody.

And it's why I will not be performing in the state of Washington until this injustice is corrected. You've got to make a stand. Enough with this fascism. If you don't stand up for something, then what are you standing up for? Yeah, dude. There's just a bunch of people having to put their lives at risk just because they want to have sex with animals. Every person who shall carnally know in any manner any animal or bird

That's funny. Isn't a bird an animal? Why specify? I don't know. That's so funny. Who's fucking birds? Yeah, what is that? How do you even fuck a bird? How do you do that? That means you like to see stuff. You want to hurt something. Yes. Because what the fuck? What is wrong with people, dude? I think you should be allowed to try to fuck horses. Yeah, I mean, if the horse enjoys it, can it sign off? Also, if you got the horse...

to kind of submit? You earned it. I think boners are consent. I think that should be a rule. Boners are consent. I don't know. Dicks out. Here's my thing. You should be allowed to fuck a horse, but only if you die after. If you're on death row, you can pick it. There you go. Wheel of death and just

Horse dick. Yeah. You're going to go out. You're going to go out. Yeah. There's a bunch of people that are going to download this and send it to your parents. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It just gets weird. See, we've just evolved and we're bored. So now we're just finding different. That was a good one. I like the sound. He's jumping it. Oh, my God.

and upload it. I know the guy was like, you're fucked up. Hold on a second. Dude, you're going viral. I know you can't feel how excited you are because you're paralyzed.

Jesus Christ. But this is the way it is, right? Yes. Men and women go viral for different shit, right? Yeah. Women go viral for doing filthy stuff, like sexually. Sure. Like a thousand guys in 24 hours. And then guys have to almost die to go viral. And then they're like, you know me.

I'm the fucking backwards on the unicycle guy. I lost an arm. You're like, yeah, no, he's good. He's doing signings at fairs. Yeah.

With the hand that he didn't write with before. I'm not the best. I lost my hand. That was what I wrote with. So now I just kind of put an X. That's how it goes. This is, we showed this today, but I wanted to show you. I don't know if you've seen this guy. Oh, this guy. You saw him? Oh, yeah. This guy is the best. From the moment Marchand was wheeled into court today, what was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails. The reason why I'm like this is because I've converted myself.

to play my part in your kangaroo court, treating me like a black man. So today I'm going to be a black man. This kangaroo court is giving me a life sentence for me trying to protect and defend myself against the attack from three guys. In essence, treating me like a black man.

And then you read the court documents and they're like, he drove his car into people and then like got out, stabbed someone, pepper sprayed somebody else. Like he went on a rampage. What law school did that lawyer go to that he has to represent blackface Asian? And you see how the best part is kind of like, is just looking at his lawyer because you know that he deals with bullshit. From the moment

from psychos all the time and they go for this this guy's like oh shit

He's like, I'm going to be on the news again. And it's for this fucking guy. Who's got magic. Going on in his head. Yeah. That's the idea he went with. Yeah. Those are all the ones where he's like, ah, that might be too much. I might not be able to do that. But you have to realize the dedication that he took a Sharpie. And then he Sharpie his eyelids even and his lips. Like he really. At least he's working with a flat canvas. Right.

Anyways. Yeah, dude. I mean, if you're in life, why not? Take your shot. Take your shot. This is the last time you're going to be in public. He got concurrent sentences. He's never going to ever come back. He was just like, fuck it, I'm doing the marker idea. Yeah, yeah. They should just take him and put him on a Japanese game show forever. Just constantly. He's on death row. He's got life and jail. He should opt for the horse. Oh, look at him with that marker. Oh, he's much more handsome. We can pick the...

Oh, he was stabbing people. He's not even driving into them. He's stabbing them. He drove into them and then stabbed the guy when he got out. What? He got out of the car and stabbed the guy. It was a road rage incident. Oh, man. That's the worst. Because you want to lose it sometimes on the 405 in LA, but you just never know who you're dealing with. But this is Honolulu traffic, which is horrible, too. Oh, really? It's really bad? Really bad. It's enough to make you crazy. Yeah. But wouldn't you rather do... Let's talk about it. Would you rather do life in prison...

Or get the horse? Wow. Great question. That is, and it's a lot harder than you think. Yeah. Right? Life in prison or take the horse? I mean, the horse is kind of quick. I mean, that didn't take very long. You're going to die pre. In and out. In and out, man. I think, or so it's basically, do you want 30 seconds of maybe, maybe,

having your colon perforated and dying. Yeah. And certainly being in some pain. And possibly the best orgasm of your life. Maybe, you might come out of that going, I didn't know I liked that. I'm a horse dick guy. Yeah, I'm a horse dick guy who's not doing life anymore. Or you're doing life. Yeah, okay. But you get out of the life sentence if you live through the horse fuck. Yeah, of course. So do you know how many people Hold on. So now if I live through the horse fuck, I still do life? No, you don't. No, no, no. You get off. You're free. And

Do I get to pick the dick? No, it's going to be the big dick horse. You don't know how big the dick is. You don't know if you're getting an old big dick or just regular horse dick. Mini ponies? Can we go mini ponies? No. It's got to be a stallion. But midges have big dicks.

You can always tell how big their dick is based on how much forehead they have. Like humans. It's 100. It's like there's some weird math. Like you see those guys, those Cro-Magnon looking guys. You're like, this guy's got a fucking hammer on him. A big hammer, bro. A big hammer. Yeah. So that's a great question. Those weird fucking Serbian dudes. But here's the deal. Okay. It is going to be videoed and you will go viral.

So your life is ruined, but you're free. My pin video on my Instagram. Here's the thing, dude. You're selling tickets. You're selling lots of tickets. You're selling tickets. People want to hear about it. People want to see it. Yeah. You can write a book about it. Yeah.

It's a real roll of the dice. It is a real roll of the dice. What's amazing is how many people would be like, sign me up for life. Oh, I'd take the horse. I feel like I'd take the gamble. I think most women would take the horse because it's not that out of it. It's in your asshole. You're not getting it. Oh, it's in your B. It's in your B. It's in your B. It's in your B, dude. So you can die too. You can die in your vag. But at least a vag is made for these. It's a muscle for that, yeah.

It's in your ass. That's a real hard one. I don't know what the answer is. I'm going ass. You're going with the horse. I'm going horse. Take a gamble. We're gamblers. We're comics. Yeah, what do you get? You just having fun here? Why not? Don't play safe. Wave our freak flag. Why not, dude? I like driving fast. I like flying, so...

You know, with a little horse stick. Why not? And you can move to like anywhere else. And he's shaking his head. What are you doing? You doing life in prison? You can move to France. Dude, your OnlyFans is blown up. You would have the biggest OnlyFans. That's so true. You would. And then it would just be like people paying to see what other stuff you can shove up your purse pocket. Yeah.

Like this traffic cone, your butthole becomes Carrot Top's chest of props. I think there's no win by taking prison. I think you've got to take the risk. It's a risk-reward thing, and the risk is so much higher, but the reward is... But now, let's say you take life. You go in there. Now you're getting sexually assaulted left and right. That's a good point, Eddie. So eventually, you're getting the equal amount of dick. You're like, okay, here's two feet of horse dick.

But here's like a thousand feet of prison dick. Annie, here's the thing you got to think about it. So true. Good point, Sammy. Prison, right? Dick math. You take prison. The first thing that's going to happen when you walk into prison is you're going to see this guy, you know? I'm the white nigga. You will? I'm the white, white nigga. See? And he's going to cause problems. Bro, I have a bit about my pronouns are real nigga and people lose their mind.

It is my free bird, though. Whenever I do a show, they demand I tell them my pronouns. Oh, really? They call it out? Yeah. They're like, what's your pronouns? Bang. Free bird, dog.

I love this show so much. I can't tell you how much I miss this. I miss you guys. I miss this kind of comedy because I'm in Hollywood and everyone's afraid of anything. You go up to these crowds. And they're molto gay. It's so crazy. And then you go to the mothership and you can't piss them off. You're trying...

to piss them and they you can't do it yeah and then you go back to Hollywood and everybody like I did a show at this one club not gonna say name I opened up with why is everybody a satanic file and just ice the room

And then the host is like, yeah, and that's why you put Sam up last. I'm like, bro, fuck you. I'm up there asking the real questions. I'm pushing. I'm trying to get all the white niggas behind me, dog. I want an army of white niggas. That's all I want. A real nigga army. By the way, if you go real quick, go to whitenigga.com. Could you do it for me? Go to whitenigga.com. Is that you? Whitenigga.com. Go do it.

Bang! No! Wow! Ha ha!

Holy shit. Wow. Serendipity. Yeah. It all came. Yeah. I am too, dude. Holy shit. This was wild. Thank you. It was like, we can't even follow that. That was too perfect of a, I feel like I should be like, and show. Yeah. That's unbelievable. Wow. Well, I had to make up for the Tom Hanks stuff. I felt we got a little weird, really fast. No, we liked it. Real quick, Christina, how far, how many years are we from this, do you think?

Yep. I can't wait for that to open. Do you think we're going to be doing those in a few years? You're like, what'd you buy today? And I'm just like, fuck off.

How is television supposed to compete with that? It can't. That's why it's dying. The world is so much more interesting than your stupid drama. That is the best oxygen. Amazing. Driven by her husband, who despises her. He hates her so much. So much. He's like, this bitch won't die. How many...

Why is she doing a Goodwill shopping video? He's like, I want to die. This is not how I imagined this going. I bet back in the day, smoke show. Yeah. Just the hottest chick you've ever seen. And at some point she said, I'm done. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what happens. Wrap it up and close it up. That's what happens. All right, look, we do have to wrap. Why is everybody getting quiet? It's Sam Tripoli's special that is on YouTube. You can go get tickets to his show at samtripoli.com. Also, look up white. Yeah, sure. But we love you, Sam. You're the absolute greatest. I love you guys so much. Thank you for the kindness. Thank you. We'll see you guys next week.

Big, big words. Big, big words. Big, big words. Big, big words. Splash! All you niggas is splash! God bless the nigga. All you niggas is splash! All you niggas is splash! God bless the nigga. All you niggas is splash! All you niggas is splash! God bless the nigga. I'm out, you feel me, I mean? God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. Big, big words. Splash! All you niggas is splash!

God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga. God bless the nigga.