Coming Up In May w/ Harland Williams | Your Mom's House Ep. 758
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What it do. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Here we are. Long Beach and Compton. Yeah. Now you know you're in trouble. Oh, wow. That's really good. I love when you rap. Did it sound like you were scared?

Very, very scary. I just had two Sour Belts because my Ozempi dose isn't high enough. I'm up to 20 now and I think I need to go to 25 this next time. I eat right through it. Just ease into it. Don't go up to your 100 again.

It takes a lot to stop me from strapping on the feed bag. And I think like an idiot, I burned my eyes in the eclipse. I looked right at it. Why'd you do that? Because our kids were with us and I wanted them to have the glasses and I didn't have any. And I was like, and I just looked. And I Googled it. It's okay. You can have a headache for a little while after as long as it's not days after. And I'm cool. Okay.

I don't have permanent. It's only been a few weeks. Retinal damage. You're fine. It's two weeks. Yeah, two weeks is fine. Three weeks. That's a lot. Yeah. No, it's been more than that. Yeah. It's been a month. Yeah, it's good. So you're still feeling the headaches after a month? Only when I put my head like this, you know? Yeah, four weeks. It's been four weeks. I might have permanent retinal damage. But you know what they say about that?

It's not that bad. Well, that and never give up. Keep...

Damaging your eyes. Do you know that sun gazing is a thing? Yeah. And I found people on TikTok that are like, don't believe the hype. You have to sun gaze. Look directly at the sun, especially when it's setting. Sunning your asshole, actually, that's the one thing that I've heard that does sound cool. What's the benefit of asshole sunning? I don't know. I think it just never gets any and it feels left out. Yeah. And your body needs vitamin D and every part of your body could use a little sun probably, right? Sure. So why not? You think your asshole feels left out?

asshole sunning boost mood regulate sleep increase libido wow spark creativity attract success and positivity enhanced longevity and stamina cleanse the genitals of bad energy or germs i buy germs none of that's empirically proven like have they done studies what are you talking about it's in a google result

That's real. Have we done studies on anal gazing? Look at the drop down, the first one. Is tanning your tank good? That means that people write that so much. Tanning your tank good. And like you say, it's highly unlikely. Yeah. In addition to warning against the harm that could be caused by perineum sunning, doctors are also very skeptical about the purported benefits.

There's no scientific or medical merit to the claims. Yeah. I feel like our double soul shaman guy would get that speech from a doctor. He's like, what are you fucking talking about right now? Is this coming from the matrix? Yeah.

And he's like, oh, doctor, you're just so behind. You don't realize all that. Do you know what the samurai did? Yeah. The doctor's like, what? I don't think it can hurt you to sun your asshole. Yeah. I don't think it'd hurt unless you burn it and then a sunburn. That would hurt. I mean, one time I burned my tetas and that was no fun. No joke to burn your nips. Where were they out?

- At the beach? - In Uropa when I was very young and perky. Perfect time to sun my tits when I was 18. - You're sunning your tits out at the beach or on a balcony? - At the beach. - Oh, nice. - No, at the beach 'cause everybody's naked there. No big deal. - No big deal? - I feel like now is the time. - No sunblock on your? - No, I forgot, dude. I was like, whatever. But you know what? I feel like now I could show those Hungarians what's up with my tits now. - Mom tits. - Mom tits, grown up tits.

those are the ones you're supposed to send. Like when you go to foreign countries. Sure. Right. Like big Italian lady tits. Yeah. Nice. Very nice.

God, it's so horny right now. What? Just picturing big old mom tits in the sun. You never see them anywhere. No one has their tits out anymore. It's legal here in Austin to have your tits out. It's very cool. Yeah. It is very cool. And in Toronto where I saw tits walking free. Yeah. You can do it. Cool. Let yours out. Should I do it? Why not?

nothing wrong with that put on some sunblock though that's the one thing that's my only thing i'm going to say to you wear a sunblock no you got it are you ready to start the show yeah dude let's do it bro this is for kathy for bruce earth kathy's birthday is february the first and she is enjoying that day and watching dc cam

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Where the fuck is Stan? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-

I like that part. Can we hear more of that? I like that. That's something. Well, a lot of people don't realize that he had a motorcycle accident and he has frontal cortex damage to his brain. And so he has problems with impulse control. And there's obviously a different look in his eyes than he used to be there. And then he's making his living on...

Cameo. Cool, Tom. Thanks. Well, I'm just pointing stuff out. I'm not trying to belittle it. I'm saying. Well, hold on because I feel like there was a moment for Gary Busey about 20 years ago where we were all fascinated. He's a great actor. But I'm saying there was a reality show dedicated to his wackiness. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he's a very free kind of guy. You know, I think he's, he doesn't, he's not in his head even before this.

He was like, yeah. But I don't, I'm thinking that all these free characters are just meant to Leo. I said it. I'm the first one to say it.

Like, remember when E's, not E's, E, Flavor Flav was popular and you're like, yeah, but that guy's crazy. I'm talking on the reality show circuit. Yeah. Brigitte Nielsen. Crazy. This was all of time. Tequila Tequila. Totally insane. Oh yeah, everybody had that. Is she insane now? Yeah. She's like a big Jesus person. I think she might be schizophrenic, like fully insane.

- Psychotic. - You gotta respect it. - Yeah, for sure, 'cause we got them at like the height, you know, when they were functional enough to be entertaining. - Yussi's very cool. He could really do his thing, man. I'm serious. He's a great actor. He's just, he's different now. - He's different. - Different. - Different. He's different. - What would you do if I broke into your house, made you a coffee, gave you a back rub and a butt rub, turned on the shower, made you breakfast? What will you do?

I drink the coffee, then I take a big hodge. What do you think of this shit? Day 44, eating raw chicken every day till I get a tummy ache. Today we're going to have some drumsticks with hot sauce. Raw? Yeah, this guy, I've seen this asshole. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Oh, I mean this nice guy eating raw chicken. I've DM'd with him before. Seriously? Yeah.

I was so curious I sent a message. And he's eating raw eggs too. Yeah, he eats everything raw. Raw steak. And then no tummy ache, as we say in third grade. I don't know, man. I mean... Does he get diarrhea? I don't think so. He's been doing this for a while. I don't like this. I don't like this lane. No? Oh, God. And he's in front of the KFC where he could get some decent tasting chicken. Well, that's the whole point.

It's the egg yolks that are worse than the raw chicken for me. He started doing this a long time ago. These boys are meaty today. Over. Tom, what would you rather do, drink all those egg yolks?

Or eat the raw chicken. You have to pick. Oh, the yolks. If I was going to do one, I, yeah, slightly undercooked chicken really weirds me out. It's so slimy. Yeah. And the texture, it doesn't, you know, you really got to grind through it. But he does put hot sauce on it. Okay. And I might do the hot sauce chicken. Will you do it? No. Oh, you won't do it.

No. Why? You just said I might do it. No, if I have to do it. You have to. If there's a gun in my kid's head, yeah. Well, no one's doing that. I'm just saying. Why don't we do a thing where we put raw eggs in a cup for me and you get raw chicken? I don't want to do that. Why? This is the whole point. This is the fun of it. We actually do the thing we're seeing. You really want to do this with me? Yeah, I'll do it with you. I'll do the eggs. You do the chicken. I don't want to throw up. I'm scared. You're not going to throw up. How many bites? Three. Three?

Can I take one bite and swallow it? That's a lot. Okay. I'm so afraid of puking. Okay. A real bite. Okay, but then what are you going to do? I'll drink a couple eggs in a cup. I've never done it.

Sounds gross. It's so awful. It's not like what you think you've done it Yeah, when I was a teenager we thought it was cool to do it. Yeah sure and you drink it Yeah, I think I've drank Yeah, you've done that. Yeah. Yeah. I try to ride once what do you think? I did not like it not great But I mean the chickens definitely got to be way riskier risk here. Yeah, this guy's been doing this for 44 days. Oh

Until he gets a tummy ache. He's like, my tummy still is not bothering me. My tummy does not bother me. Yeah. But he's also done ribeyes and shit. Like he's doing steaks, burgers, everything raw. Okay. All right. Set it up. Oh, fruit. You want this snack instead? My husband thinks I'm crazy, but this is literally the best snack. Let all out. Add some cottage cheese. Oh. Mix it up. It is the perfect bite. Cheers.

I would do that all day over the raw chicken. I feel like I'm going to puke. Can I tell you a secret? I don't mind ketchup with cottage cheese. I would do that. It's so gross. I would do that. I have to cover this up with another disgusting thing. Eating a booger break your fast? If you pick your nose and you eat the booger and intentionally swallow it, yes, it breaks your fast. Imagine losing reward and breaking your fast for a disgusting booger, man. It ain't worth it, bro.

Is this a big problem during Ramadan? I guess it's something that people have asked. People are breaking their fasts. Because they're talking about ejaculating, eating. But it's part of your body. Hold on, though. Let's say you say, I mean, you're just eating a part of your own body. Is it technique? I don't know. I don't think so. He just told you it was. You know how sometimes you like to chew the nails? Yeah, sure. So you bite your nail, a little bit of nail gets in your mouth.

He says the consistent part of these Ramadan videos is all about intention. Yeah. Right? Like when it was the ejaculate, he was like, if you have a wet dream, then that's not intentional. It's just happening involuntarily. Sure, sure. But if you're seeking it out, then it's a break. How many adults do you think eat their boogers? Like right now. So many more than you think.

And they're doing it obviously in private. They're closeted booger eaters. Right. Like how many adults listening to us right now are eating their boogers? There's a whole bunch that are alone in their car or they got their earbuds in and they're going. And if you're eating your boogers. And they're also going, nope.

Go ahead and write to us. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. I can almost predict though. This is just so clearly a continuation of something that developed as a child. Yeah. And they just don't put a stop. Yeah. And now it's still their jam. It's their soothing. It's a soothing anxiety, soothing technique. It's a ritual. I dig in my nose. The thing is,

You imagine, as we all do, that nobody attractive is doing this. You know, we like to imagine it's just like an absolute pig. Yeah. Which they're sure there are. Yeah. But then there's some really attractive people that do this too. Yeah. Like Heidi Klum is maybe eating her boogers right now. Well, we saw Brooke Shields do it one time. Oh my God. That was well documented. I don't need to see it. Can we see it again? Yeah.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero back,

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- Tom, okay, what's grosser, boogers, raw chicken, or raw eggs, or cottage cheese with ketchup? - Cottage cheese grosses me out the most. - Worse than boogers? - No, boogers gross me out the most. - I will do the cottage cheese with ketchup thing all day. Can I do that instead of raw chicken, please? - I can't even like, I can't even look at this. - Please, can I eat a booger? I don't wanna eat a booger actually. I'd rather eat the cottage cheese.

Didn't Allie Makovsky also? Oh, Allie Makovsky is a booger eater. Yeah. She loves eating her boogers. Did you know that? No. Yeah. Ew. It's like still, it's like frame by frame. Yeah. She's eating it. She's been doing this forever. The image that I was talking about wasn't even this. There's another one? Yeah. It was at a, I think it was at like at a tennis match or something. I'm going to throw up. She was in the stands at something and they showed her doing it.

Oh, God. My throat's watering. It's so fucking disgusting. Shit. It was old, man. I don't know. I don't. You're right. Like hotties eat their boogers, dude. Yeah. Hotties get diarrhea too, you know? They do. You don't expect it, but they sure do. Yeah. That was terrible. What was? Wait, scroll down. Booger eating. No, not so fast. Go up a little bit.

well it claims my heart's pounding i don't want to see it oh an augustine yeah that was just like a something that i just happened to catch out of the corner i didn't know what it was about shocking things uh what is hypo atremia um so much water that oh water intoxication she's had that's crazy how much water do you have to have from the water champ please

Well, remember back in the 90s when people were doing ecstasy and then flooding their brains by drinking too much water? Yeah. It would happen back in like raves or whatever. I know, but I'm thinking about that. Well, I...

The days when I drink the most water are days where I've actually lost a ton of water, right? Like I'm saying heavy cardio days and stuff. I thought you were going to say diarrhea. Diarrhea days too. Diarrhea days are definitely high water consumption days. High water consumption. I'm wondering, I mean, there's days where I've had close to two gallons of water. That's a lot of water. And if that doesn't, like what, how much water are you having to do that? Well, right now you're consuming Diet Coke, which is negative water. And? Low.

Liquid. It's empty. You've already consumed it. I have a fresh. It's all fresh. For every episode, I start fresh. I need more. Oh my God, dude, look. This new phone number I have, another phone call is rolling in right now from Washington, D.C. Of course, you're going to get that a bunch now. But like...

Even at my old number when I had it for years and years, I never got this many phone calls that this fool's getting. Do you know what I mean? Uh-huh. This fool gets calls from everywhere. This fool's getting mad calls, yo. DC. Tripping. I'm tripping right now, man. I'm tripping hard, dude. This fool's popular, you know? So this says symptomatic hypotension.

Hyponatremia can occur when one drinks three, thank you very much, Tanner, three to four liters of, why does it say water eight? Severe hyponatremia occurs when too much water, more than what the kidney can excrete, is inhaled. - Inhaled. - The water excretion rate of a healthy adult is about 20 liters a day and does not exceed 800 to 1,000 milliliters an hour. How about that drop down? How many cups? What does that say?

to prevent hypertension, limit fluids to no more than one to one and a half liters per hour. Four to five. Yeah, that's a lot of water. Four to five cups an hour. I know. If you're doing that over excessively. I know what you are the champion of. I'd say your water consumption has gotten better since we discussed it years ago. Mm-hmm. Um,

You are the cold champion. Cold? Cold. Yeah. You like it cold. You cold plunge. You don't mind swimming in the pool cold. Like, you're definitely, and I'm a chicken. I don't like being cold. I run hot, baby. You do run hot. Yeah. I'll give that to you. Remember during the eclipse? Yeah. Do you remember when I brought up a chair? Yeah. So we have this. This made me laugh so hard. We have a rooftop patio. Yeah.

And it used to have furniture that got super fucked up by the elements. So now it's bare and we're going to put some stuff there. And so I take one of the boys up and she's like, I'm coming up. I'm like, okay. And then she comes up with the other boy and then she brings one chair. She opens it up and she sits. She's like, I told the boys right then and there, I say, you see your mom right now?

And they go, yeah, she's selfish. She didn't think about any of us. I don't know why.

Because it's heavy to carry all them chairs up. Not anymore. You're weightlifting now, too. I am weightlifting. But it was such, I knew that I would just have to carry them back down again. That I was like, fuck it, dude. I'm just going to take one. And then, yeah, that was really funny. Because you call me out in such a funny way. Yeah. You're like, one chair, huh? One chair. One chair for the one person up here. Well, Julian sat in my lap because it was like, he could sit in my lap and that, and

And I was like, "Ahh, just enjoying this." Unbelievable. It has to be, you're an only child, right? Yeah. That's gotta be an only child, right? Of course it is. 'Cause I've had the same type of moment where I'm like, "Oh, I didn't think about anybody. Like, why did I not? That's so fucked up of me." You and I are barely human. Like, I don't even think we have human thoughts most of the time. And I would venture to say Tanner is on Team Space Alien. Oh, for sure. Tanner, bro.

He's got some traumas, too. We'll drag Tanner into this. He's definitely our tribe. I think of people. He's our tribe. I have three siblings. I think of people. Oh, okay. Now, Annie and I are on Team Alone. You're an only child, too, yeah? Yeah, I'm an only child. Yeah, we're Team Alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Because we had to figure it out. Yeah. Because we had to figure it out. That's how we think. I feel like that's at least how I think. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, yeah, people don't need me to do it because I had to figure it out. Yeah. So you would feel...

like uncomfortable if I brought you a bunch of chairs or I would bring up the wrong one okay because there's there's a few different types the one that would be good for him was far too heavy for me to drag my chair his chair I gotta hold the kid's hand going up the stairs so that I'm like why am I gonna it's four minute fucking eclipse for what and then he you know then the chair stays up there because no one's gonna bring it down again and then the next time I'm gonna need it

I got to go lug it, go up there and drag it down. That's what I'm thinking. So I'm even more of a bitch than you are. I was about to say, it turns out we're not quite the same. I'm definitely not justified. I'm a true asshole. Cause I'm thinking like two steps ahead of like, my life will be so inconvenienced by this.

Intentionally selfish. I'm such a piece of shit. Fuck yeah. Yeah. A few weeks ago, we told the story of the Thai soccer orgy. Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead. Go ahead. If you Google that, you know there's a video, right? What? Yeah. You can Google the video. Thai soccer.

Soccer, orgy. Yeah, yeah, that's them. Oh, yeah. That's the real footage, right? You got the audio?

Oh, that's sad. And they're like being mean. Let me fight in the face. Those are the soccer players. So this is why they got in trouble. Yeah. Okay. Cause they got these Thai girls and then they were super. Yeah. They'd be mean. Yeah.

So somebody wrote in about it. You can bring that down now. I was kind of liking it. Jesus, really? Go ahead. Hola, Tommy and Chris Titty P. I'll get straight to the point. Keep the story high and tight. The international soccer Leicester City Tide Orgy is directly responsible for the biggest underdog story in sports. Oh.

Context. As you might know, the English Premier League soccer, the last three teams in the league are demoted from the league. The year before the fateful story, Leicester City finished their season on an unbelievable run to narrowly escape this demotion and stayed in. They were not very good at all.

Fast forward to the preseason of the next season, the owner of the team, who was Thai, took the team to Thailand for a preseason tour. Of course, the orgy happened. What you failed to mention is one of the three in the orgy was the coach's son. For some reason, the owner of the team was pretty not chill and shipped all those knuckleheads out and the coach of the team.

As a result, he hires a new coach and signs a couple of players to replace those guys. And long story short, next season at 5,000 to one odds, Leicester City win the Premier League title against some of the biggest, best and richest soccer teams of all time. Truly inspiring. Wow. Keep it airtight. That's awesome. Yeah.

So in a way, this orgy needed to happen for greatness to occur. Well, and the coach needed to see his son be in an orgy and saying awful things. Because you know he had to watch it. It's on his manners. Okay. It's on his manners. Yeah. And then...

That's what happens when you leave. But that's the coolest part, right? So you got to see your son in a cool RGB racist. You got to see your son in the change my die-die pose with a tie hooker eating his ass. And then he's like, that's my son. Yeah. It's my boy. Yeah. And being rude to her. Yeah. Yeah. But anyways, I thought it was kind of a beautiful story. It is a nice story. That's a very inspiring tale. Is that on your 40 for 40 or what's that show? 30 for 30? Yeah.

40 for 40. I forget. Yeah. That's in tennis, 40. It sounds like they need to make a 30 for 30 about it. I think so. Yeah. I think so. Also, what a great transition. I'm excited to perform in Abu Dhabi soon on May 25th at Etihad Arena. Holy shit. That should be a lot of fun. In Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi. Me and the boys are going over there.

And then, Chris Jeanja, you're going to be... Don't break your Ramadan by eating your boogers. I will not eat my boogers on that flight. You're going to be in Orlando, Florida at the Funny Bone, August 16th and 17th. Where are the doodads?

Oh yeah! I missed that. They'll be there. They'll be in Orlando. Where are the dudes at? Where are the dudes at? That was a good drop. Where are the dudes at? Yeah, yeah. Where are the dudes at? I hope you have a really good time there. I hope you have a really good time there. ChristinaPOnline.com I hope you have a fucking really good time. In Etihad Arena? That's crazy. Are you doing an arena in Abu Dhabi? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that there's that many comedy fanatics. It's a comedy festival.

There's a bunch of people doing shows there. I think I'm doing one. I forget who else. Are you going to wear the Arab guy dress just to feel it out? Yeah. What time of year are you going to be there? May 25th. It's going to be hot as shit. You got to wear that white dress. I've worn one before. I have. Yeah. Oh, when you went to visit fucking where with your fucking whore? What's that?

Yes. Where was this again? I don't fucking remember. Can you remind me again where he spent his fucking German whore? Tunisia. Tunisia! It's super comfortable. And your balls breathe. It's very nice.

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Good. I like the head wrap too. I wear that too. You did not. I did. Are you allowed to, even though you're not an Arab man? Yeah. An Arab person put it on me. Yeah. Okay. As long as that's, that's respectful. Well, I mean, you're not doing it to like, it wasn't doing it as a costume. I was just like, yeah, what do you wear? And then they threw it on me. Well, you figure they've been in that climate for thousands of years. There's a reason why they're doing it. It works. Yeah. They're like, this is how you keep your balls so clean and fresh.

In the desert. They're not Indian. In the fucking desert. I don't do it. It's Arab. What is it? Actually, you know, they have a French accent. And you make it the fresh balls. In Tunis. How do you do it? Can Google Arab accent? I got it here. Dujim.

First of all, one of the most common things you hear in the Arabic accent is the use of "z" instead of "th" and "s" instead of "th". The funny thing is that the letter "th" and "th" exist in the Arabic language in the form of "thal" and "th".

But in many regions of the Middle East, they've been dropped and replaced simply by "z" and "s". In the same way, for example, in Latin America, "f" and "v" in Spanish were also dropped. So like "manzana", for example, or "corazon" became "manzana", "corazon".

I guess they just don't think that sound. They don't think that sound. Next, in the Arabic language, there is no letter P. So the P is replaced by B. Give me the baking powder. The police is here. The police. Come, come right now. You also gotta roll that R. Right now. Right now. Right now.

Next, verbs. Sometimes in Arabic and its regional dialects, we don't even use verbs altogether, okay? So we have nominal sentences or non-verbal sentences. And obviously, that carries over into the English language. What's this? Why you hear the sky blue? Why you hear the sky blue?

See, no need verb, more simple like this. Although you'll see that in the English language as well. For example, when we say true that instead of that's true, true that, or things like out of many one or the more the merrier. And I believe that's inspired from Latin, which also uses a lot of those sentence structures, those nominal sentences for like poetic effect

This is a slogan like a fact. This is also interesting. Vino veritas. Body, body. You need to turn this shit off. We got it. Yeah, this guy's great by the way. That was a great explanation. Yeah, this is perfect. Body. So there's a group

great similarity between some of the Latin languages, right? So Italian, Portuguese, French, Spanish. Spanish though has the greatest number of Arab words because the Moors invaded and lived there for six, 700 years. - They fucked the Spaniards. - So in Spanish, you have a bunch of actual Arabic influence that doesn't exist in Italian and French.

Portuguese. Very interesting, Thomas. Wow. Look at you. So the two languages that are the most similar of those Latin ones are actually Spanish and Portuguese. I did not know that. But that sans the Arab influence. Although some, right? Because Portugal is right there next to Spain. So there is some, but more so in the Spanish language. Very exciting. How about that?

It's very interesting. You didn't think you'd learn shit today, but you just fucking did. You fucking learned that shit. What about their foods? Did the Arabs bring their foods? Of course. Of course they did. Of course they did? Yes. What about Ibiza? What about Ibiza? Spain. I hate when people say Ibiza. I hate it. Why? I hate it. And I'm sure this is not, I know it's like the proper way, right? The Catalan way. Ibiza. Ibiza? Yeah, but like Europeans will be like, we're going to Ibiza. And I'm like, don't say it like that. They're just trying to be authentic. Don't be super gay about things.

- Don't say it super gay. - Abiza. - Just say Abiza. We know what, just say it the right way. - The right way? - The English speaker way. - Say it like me. - Yeah. - Don't try to say it like them. - Yeah, that's right. If that's all the fucking Spanish word you know with Abiza, it just sounds ridiculous. Like you don't speak Spanish. You can do it, I can't do it is what I'm saying. - And apparently- - Sounds stupid. - French and English share a lot more words than you think about. - French and English? - Yes. - Well, I know jeans, they just say jeans.

Well, I don't think that's what they meant but they share a lot of words like what I don't know I just know that they do oh Okay, like there's words that are you know shared between the two languages so it's supposed to be a language that as an English speaker you'd have easier access to Interesting, but the pronunciation is much more different in French. It's so hard. I

French words are very... Just the way they use their mouth. Yes, it's not... And their throat. Yeah. Yeah. Wikibobby. Wikibobby. Yeah. I like the way it does that. Yeah. A crepe. Yeah. You do a crepe.

What's this say? Oh, burlits. Similarities? Similarities, babe. Okay. Oh, à la carte. À la carte. Menu. Menu. Apertif. Oh, aperitif. Diner. Croissant. Salad. Croissant. Soup. Bisque. Omelette. Wow.

Bon appétit, hors d'oeuvre, vinaigrette, restaurant, cordon bleu, alcool, chef, couton, make-to-the-hotel, café, soufflé, à la mode, sommelier. Wait, hold on, though. I might argue that these are French words that we use in English. Interchanging, I'm saying. That's right. Bechamel sauce, very delicious, hard to make, hard as shit. I tried it. Sommelier, bechamel.

But you're seeing, there's a lot. Oh yeah, we use these goddamn words. We use these motherfucking words. Fucking words and shit. Souffle. Gournichon, you're a big fan. I fucking love me. I just love pickles. I'm a lover of all pickles. Gournichon. A cul- a cul- a sack. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. More. Impasse. Arcade. Garage. Garage. Cinema. Do they say cinema? Italians do. Yeah. Yeah.

And there's more. Sans fart. Silhouette. Petite. Faux. Eau de toilette. All right. Boutique. Blouse. I mean, how many fucking examples do you need? Chic. Lingerie. God damn it. Robe. Decollet. Oh, wait. There's more. Art nouveau. Avant-garde. Film noir. Brunette. Blonde. Adieu. Sans. Critique. Chauffeur. Oh, you still doubt? Pfft.

I think I'm good. I got it. Bon voyage. Cliché. Respondu si vous play. RSVP.

Oh, that's what RSVP is. I didn't know that. I would never fucking know that. RSVP is Respondez S'il Vous Plaît. Please answer to an invitation. Respondez S'il Vous Plaît. That is, my brain just fucking exploded. Bro, me too. You know what? That whole fucking discussion was worth it just to learn Respondez S'il Vous Plaît. Just to learn that RSVP, don't forget the RSVP and none of us were ever like, what does that stand for? Yeah, yeah. Not one time in my 44 years was I like, what does RSVP mean?

I would think it means like reserve, please. Reserve, like as short, like F-G-T-R-T-D. Respond soon, very pleased. That's exactly what I would think, Amy. Really, seriously, very pleased. Your favorite, mon âge à toi? Oh, my favorite. Bouquet? Bouquet, yeah. A bouquet. I like it. A bouquet of flowers, yeah. Voilà. A coup d'état. Savoir-faire. Mm-hmm.

I got it. Okay. I get it. Keep going. Rendezvous, debut, protege, souvenir. Okay. Moving along. Brunette. That is a French word too. And I was watching carte blanche. I like that one. Oh, you love that one. Apropos. I say that on this show. People get very upset with me. You say it so much. Why do you say apropos? With regards to you fucking dilettantes.

excusez-moi everyone says that excusez-moi touche touche what about douche sabotage douche mirage douche douche isn't up there douche facade in german is to shower i always thought that was funny concierge oh you still doubt it you still don't think that there's any similar words that we share well fucking scroll a little more it's because she doesn't seem to believe anything okay that's it that guy's not attractive

All right, let's wrap this up, and we'll be right back. And we're back, and joining us is the host of Harlan Highway Podcast. He has an upcoming movie called Wingman. It's Harlan Williams, everybody. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Hair looks great. We were just saying how natural and great it looks.

Oh, I mentioned it's a wig. And we agreed we weren't going to talk about my wig. I thought we were going to keep it as just the hair, man. You don't have to say that it's a wig. Oh. Yeah, thanks, man. Back it up. Thanks. Hey, man, your hair looks great. Thanks.

There you go. I call this, look, the Dairy Queen blizzard because it's got kind of a swirl. Like if you threw nuts in my hair and put a cherry on my head and put whipped cream all over my face, dude, could you tell the difference? No. You look delicious. Like if me and you went camping, I would call you Big Tommy and you could call me Peanut Buster Parfait Boy. You want it? I'm just throwing stuff out there. That would be our call signs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What would my call sign be, Harlan? Well, we only do camping guy guy. We don't do girl girl. I'm a handsome woman, though. You are. I'm getting older and looking more mannish. Yeah. Right? I guess Larry. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

Yeah. Good Larry. Big Tom, Larry. Thank you. Yeah. Peanut Buster Parfait Boy. Would we all, this is just hypothetical. Sure. Would we all like squeeze into the same sleeping bag? I think so, because it's cold out. Okay. So we wouldn't do seppies? I think depends on the temperature. Yeah. It's all temperature dependent. So let's say it's fall. Okay. The leaves are turning. The rut's happening. You know what the rut is. What's that? Tom. What?

That's when the hoofed animals mate. It's called the rut. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Whoa, guy. Maybe we better go camping in the spring. Okay. If you're not familiar with the fall rut. How cold do you think it is in the fall rut?

Well, you're getting into the 60s. Oh, that's fine. Okay. I think we're in separate bags. We're in separate bags. Seppies. Now we get into November. November, we're going to snuggle in together. We're going to double up. Double up. February? February, we're like, yeah. But do they make snuggle bags for two grown men? Yeah. Yeah.

They do. And they're already lined with margarine. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it's not butter. Camping line is unbelievable. It's good stuff? It's great. Wow. Yeah. Is that Canadian made? It's Canadian. And Fabio's the spokesperson. Wow. Yeah. You guys should do a commercial together. Who says we haven't, guy? Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't see it. Yeah. He taught me how to say it. I used to pronounce it, I can't believe it's not butter, but he taught me to say it the way you're supposed to. Like kind of a dementoid with a face brace and their head stuck under a toilet in a New York subway. That's the Fabio way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Makes it more appealing.

Thanks. Yeah. What are you doing tonight? I don't have any plans.

Do now, guy. Okay. I can't believe the butter. Do you like that butter? I don't think I've ever had it. You've never had it? Can we not call it butter, first of all? It's more like a submarine petroleum paste. Yes, yes. Like if a gasket ever broke in a submarine, they'd put I can't believe the butter all over it. Yeah, that's true. You know what, though? I love it in a spray, and I spray it on my toast all the time. Oh, my God.

I thought you were going to say I spray it on my toes. I spray it on my toes, and I let the dog lick it. Wow. And she loves it. Is it really good? It's delicious. I mean, if you don't... Have you ever had butter? Yeah. Then it's not as good. I churn my own, by the way. You churn your own butter? Yeah. I love it. You grew up on a farm. Well, I was there for a little while. Yeah. But I'll tell you, you churn your own butter. First of all, it's a good workout. Well...

Friend of yours? Yeah. It's rude. But here's the thing. Butter's what? Calories, right? Right. So if you want to even it out, you get to churning nice and hard. And then? You're burning off the cows. That you're going to have. Then you can eat the butt, and it's a zero-zero compromise. Are you a butt eater? Excuse you? You cannot ask Sweet Harlan that question. I didn't mean, I meant it as shorthand for butter. Oh, so butter. Oh, I'm a butter eater. Yeah.

Gosh, Tom. Depends if it's been wiped. Yeah. But yeah, if it's nice and clean, I'll eat some butter. Yeah, yeah. You son of a trickster. Fucking Donnie Wordsmith over here at 7 in the morning on a Thursday. Sweet corn on the cob, stuck in Sarah Jessica Parker's dirty black pirate gums.

God, that creepy girl. I know, right? You ever see her roll a cob of corn? No. Some of the outtakes? No. She used to have sex in the city. She used to go to her trailer and she loves corn on the cob. And someone, I guess, hit a camera in her trailer. She just twirled and it ripped and some of her teeth flew off and stuck into the wall of her star trailer. That's what you said, she has black gums. Black pirate gums, yeah. Gingivitis and halitosis, like the duo. It's both for her.

It's what they say. I'm not saying it. They are. Whoever they are. That's awesome. You got your root beer? No, wait. Cream soda. Cream soda. So good. Do you love it? Love cream soda. Me too. It's like a refreshing... And it's nostalgic kind of thing. Did you drink it as a kid? Of course. It's a treat. Talk to me. Can you tell me a little story? I think a glass bottle. I think, okay, it was... For me...

1987 okay i went to hilton head south carolina and there was a took a bike ride and at the end of the bike ride we ended up at um like the beach there and they had a stand where you could get treats ice cream treats sodas and stuff and i said i'll try the cream soda oh it was a game changer that was your first time yeah yeah i felt like how old were you tom i think i was about eight or nine yeah

Wow. Those are the prime. They say, like, I don't know if you ever read B.F. Skinner or any of the family psychologists, but they say eight or nine are the formative cream soda years for developing children. Core memories. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, is that your favorite soda? It's one of them. How would you rank sodas?

I got to probably say Coke's my top one. Classic. Yeah. Yeah. The real deal. Yeah. None of this other bullshit. None of that stuff. I don't even see that stuff. Hold on. Have you ever tried a cactus cooler? Yeah, cactus cooler's one of mine. That's like the best. How about when you go to movie theaters and they have the Coke machine that will do any flavor? Too many choices, though. And you do cherry vanilla? Oh, wow. Are you telling me that you mix the...

It's an option. The cherry, you mix it or it's one thing, cherry vanilla? No, no. You can select of all the difference and then you can have... And then you get cherry and then it's like, do you want cherry vanilla? You select that and then it comes out. Yeah, but there's like 80 flavors in there. Yeah, yeah. And what you get is...

subsidiary drip. You get some. So you'll get a Coke that tastes like a root beer with a splash of orange crush with Mr. Pibb and a little, little hint of grape crush. The mistake there is if you have too little. So that's why you got to give it like 64 ounces, something to really refresh you. That is too much. If I want to suck on a rainbow, I'll wait till a rainstorm. I mean, that's just...

We try all 127 flavors. That's crazy. Like, how do you clean that pipe between every squirt? He's right. Do you have some insider knowledge as to how these machines work? You speak like you know those machines. Well, yeah, I stand there and press the button. Never built one of these?

Maybe I haven't. What's in the back there? There's some things on your podcast I'm not going to talk about. Also, you don't want to fuck with coke. If there's one thing. Yeah, it stings. You get it in the hole. Holy God, does it sizzle. It does. It does. But it gets rid of any STDs. Does it? Yeah, and the sperm love it because it foams up. You'll just see them. They're riding around like they're at a fucking water park. Those little white albino polywag freaks.

That's true. That is true. Yeah. You do speak the truth, Harland, if it's one thing about you. Yeah. There's no other way. Why lie? You guys know there's so much BS in the world. Yeah. It's just like say things as they are, speak the truth.

And I think the world would be a better place. You realize that us and also a lot of other parents have heard your voice probably second only to your immediate family because of Pup Pup Pup Puppy Dog Pals. Puff Puff Puff Puff. I love it.

I thought you were talking about the peeping Tom thing. Well, that's another, that's a different, that's not the parents. That's a different group. Okay. Yeah. Puppy dog pals, man. Your kids love it. See you later, pops. See you later, pops. There it is. Yeah, dude. The pops will play. And it's one of those things you discover. You forget that you know people in these things and then you have kids and you're like, all right, you're looking for shows. And then they're like this one. Yeah. And you're like, I know that guy. And they're like, you know that guy.

And you're like, yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. Oh, for sure. That's the fun part of what we do. It's like you'll go to a movie or you'll see something and you go, oh, wait a minute. I did a thing with him like six years ago. We did a thing at a publicity. Like it's so odd. Sometimes you forget. Yeah.

Like I just saw a... This is a sad one, but I saw a video clip of Sinbad, you know, the comedian? Yeah, of course. Sinbad's the greatest. Yeah, he was amazing and he's really sick. And I looked and I went, oh my God. And then I flashed back to me and him did another animated series for Disney called Slacker Cats back in the day. And it's just...

It was one of those ones where we had to do it together. So it was just me and him. He's a giant guy. And they put us in this little sound booth. And we'd been there for hours. It was like stuffing two hostages in a refrigerator or a meat locker.

And then it's like you see them and you go, man, and you think of the good times you had with them. Yeah, I hope he's okay. Poor guy. Yeah, poor guy. I think he had a stroke. Oh, I didn't know that. That sucks. Man, he's such a talented dude. Really? Yeah. This is why I discourage people to go canoeing because just one wrong stroke and fuck. Everything can go downhill from there. Yeah. Yeah.

Bingo and roll away. And there's a guy named Bob. Go ahead. You know the word. When Bob's away. The puppies will play. See you later, pups. Pup, pup, pup, puppy dog. Pals. Oh, we are...

We've played puppy dog pals a lot and Tom and I will anger Julian because Tom will be like, I'm bingo. Oh yeah, I'll be like, I'm bingo. Oh really? He'll be like, the fuck? You're not bingo. And I go, yeah, I am. I'm most like bingo. Just to irritate him. He's like, I'm bingo. I'm like, no, I already took it. You're somebody else. You're wrong. I love it.

And then he'll start crying or something. All right, all right, you're bingo. You're bingo. But I like to get it to tears before I give up. My little animated show is causing early family divisions. I love it. It was meant to bring families together, but we figured out the other way. One of the most fun things to do with kids is find something that they take pride in and be like, I'm better at that than you are.

And they're like, you are not. Yeah, I am actually. Yeah, but then what happens is they grow. They have that growing spurt. Like your guys are probably this tall. They're little dudes. Soon they're going to be tall. And then it comes around where they can do everything good.

Or they're just smarter. Like Ellis's math is very advanced now. Like he's doing fractions. I don't understand his homework now. The way that we did math and subtraction, I didn't know it was totally changed. So when you add, we were taught that you add from the furthest number to the right, you know, you add those two and you carry numbers over. They don't do that. What do they do? They, they start at the front and I'm like, what do you mean? And they figure out,

Like they figure out if it says like... Like the hundreds place, the tens place. So like 54 plus, let's say, let me write it down. So if you go like, I've seen him do problems and I'm like, I don't understand this at all. You don't? For real? No, literally. You're like, wait. I've had him explain new math to me multiple times and I still don't get it. But don't you have to fake it? Because you don't want your kid to think that they're smarter than you. Yeah, I just kind of go, show me how you did that.

Yeah. I tell them, like, I don't know shit about fuck. You said that to your kid? Yeah, I'm all, fuck, I don't know shit, dude. What the HR puff and stuff. So...

So he does stuff like this, right? So like this says, you can't see it, but it says 89 plus 112. So in old school you go, well, nine and two, it's 11. You put a one here and you carry it over. They go, how many does it take to get 89 to 100?

So what would it take? It would take 11, right? So they would subtract 11 from this. So he goes, that's 100. This becomes 112 minus 11, which is 101. So then they do 101 plus 100. That's how they do math. Dude, I glazed out as soon as you showed me the thing on paper. I've seen him do it so many times now. I'm like, wait, you don't do it like this. And he's like, no. And he does it in his head like super fast. I'm like, okay. All right. Cool, man.

By the way, the way he's adding, I'm like, I think I was doing that three years after you. That's crazy. But I can still fuck them up physically. So right now. And I'm a better speller still. Yeah. The closest I got to all that mathematics stuff is when I was a kid, I used to get isosceles triangles and stab them into jack-o'-lanterns eyes. So it looked like they were wearing sunglasses. That's pretty cool, dude. That is pretty cool. Yeah.

Well, if people are going to laugh, maybe this isn't the podcast for me. Yeah, that's true. It's not the way to do it. I got something that shouldn't make, maybe will make you laugh. Oh, wow. Here we go. Okay. I'll show you a clip. Okay. You'll show me your what? A clip. Oh, okay. And you tell me whether it's horrible or hilarious.

because it either makes you laugh two h's i get it yeah you but you weigh in you tell us why it's one of them and i say speak first before anyone else yes okay you're the voice of reason here which can't where am i looking okay just look at that screen right there okay

Okay. Are you allowed to do a combo? Sure, yes. Like a chicken and rib platter? So it's hilarious, and then it's horrible. Because tell the audience that's listening what's going on. Well, somebody slipped, and we always love it when humans fall. It's always great. As long as it's not us. It can be an old lady. It can be a baby. Like farting and falling, the two Fs. Always laughs. Hilarious. Yes. But when a railing...

goes up under your armpit and into your lymph node and pierces the skin pierces the skin and disrupts your circulatory system not quite as hilarious but that description was so we'll stay we'll stamp it hilarious good job harlan unless you're the guy from hellraiser with the nails in his face he'd love that to him that's rodney danger he listens to this show

He's going to love this. Nail Face. What's his name? What's his real name? Pinhead. Pinhead. Wouldn't it love to take that guy to Home Depot and just take him down the two aisle? Doug Bradley. Shout out to Doug Bradley. Doug is his name? Yes. I don't know if Doug works well with a guy that's got 800 nails in his face. I think Nail Face works a lot better. Nail Face, yeah. Is that his Christian name? No.

This guy, by the way, was airlifted to Baptist South Medical in Montgomery, Alabama. Oh, I hope so. And he later passed away there. Oh, stop. He died? No, he didn't. He's shit. He's okay. God, this made me... I just got the chills.

How come there's no blood, dude? Why is there no blood? It's coming. It's coming. Yeah, it's coming. It's coming. The body's going, oh, is this where the opening is? Yeah. And look at everyone behind him. Look at the girl with the blood just howling. They're howling. And this guy's never going to be able to put his arm down again. The only thing he'll be good at is sitting in the front car of a roller coaster because his arm will be permanently up, that B.O. Smith and whore. Oof.

Can you take it off, please? Okay, here we go. Next one. Next one, Harlan. You ready? Focused? Here we go. Here we go. We got him. It's a good one. You got it. It's the screen. It's the screen. It's always the screen. Now, the good news is he landed in sand, so that heavy machinery probably pressed him down. And I'm looking at the physics of this, the way your son would.

yes if he landed on a concrete mound but the the dirt is the sand is really not that high i mean you can see the brick floor right here yeah and that scream isn't because it feels good it's so you're right he's definitely broke some um imagine if you could pan right and there was a tube up his armpit oh my god and then the other guy was there and they were holding hands

This guy's fucked up. By the way, they tell you, because in case you start operating these again, they tell you that if you tip on this. I start operating these? Yeah, yeah. You always stay in the cabin.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, you never jump out. So you roll with the equipment protecting you. Look at the cage. The cage is fine. Can we see the roll again? They're like race car cages. They're reinforced. He did the number one thing you don't do. Just don't leave the vehicle. He probably also wasn't strapped in, which he should be strapped in. Yeah, he lost, you can see, almost like gravity sort of pushed him out almost. Right? He's not buckled in. And then he's like, oh, this is tipping? I'll just jump out of here.

Yeah, and correct me if I'm wrong, didn't look like a professional operator of this equipment. No, no. Wasn't wearing the protective gear. None of the gear. Probably a rich kid who wanted a really big sandbox. Yeah.

But it reminds me, it's that same scream, remember in A Quiet Place when Emily Blunt stepped on that nail and screamed? It's the same sort of quiet place step on a nail scream. And the kid looked like, I don't want to be mean, but just looking at the kid in those Bermuda shorts, I think we all know he had it coming. He did. This was like destiny. I know!

This is just other screams we have. Oh, with a helicopter in the background? Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a man giving birth. Yeah. Dolly Parton with diarrhea again. Yeah. Jesus Christ!

You'll hear that in any Motel 6. Check this out. Through the drywall, you'll hear that every time. This is from a Motel 6. That's a good one. That's real pain. Yes. That's when you can't actually... The wind knocked out of you. That's actually Motel 6, but through the drywall, Helen Keller making love. Yeah. Wow. Here we go. Here's another one, Gene. These are fun. Yeah.

Oh, this is going to go great. This is awesome. That should be your promo for Abu Dhabi. If that is not water, this ends so differently. You realize that? Yeah. Like right on the concrete, it's fucking game over. He pops up. He's like, that was fucking crazy, man.

Well, my favorite part is just as he hit the peak of being airborne. If you look, a seagull's coming in. Yeah, yeah. What's the seagull doing? Wait, people can fly? It's just like if you watch, there's a bird comes right in at his eye level.

There's the bird. See a bird? The bird's like, I'm fucking out of here. Where is this? I'm flying south early. You're right. If he didn't land in the water, just so many bones broken. He landed on his back. Just broken. No injuries. No injuries at all? That's what it says. I mean, that's almost making him look good. Yeah, it does. He's like, you want to see that shit again? Here we go. Again, no seatbelt. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, the train's coming. Oh!

awesome oh wow how cool would it be if wesley snipes was driving that truck and he jumps out and he goes i'm blade i'd be cool that'd be very cool that'd be very cool that's a big blade that is i never understand trying to beat the train never like why i got it it's like you're driving a 200 foot

you know, bet on this. What is, what are you doing? It has to happen all the time because they make such a big deal. Sometimes it's just like a car who's like, oh, I'll beat the train. What are you doing? Just wait it out, man. But what's sort of weird though, when you think of the, the, the dynamics of a blade, like a super huge long blade, it's,

I would have liked it more if it sort of cut the whole top off of the, like the train went by and you just saw the top of the train fly off like that. Yeah, yeah. That makes more sense in my head. Oh, I see what you're saying, yeah. As opposed to the train being the winner here, I think the blade should have won. And it just tells me that that's a cheap blade probably made in China. That's just China's blade. If that was an American blade, that train would have been the first convertible train. Look how long that is, man.

Yeah. Yeah, they can't beat the stream. Look how long that is. You know, I wish I could bottle up the panic that Driver felt right then when he's like, oh, like he doesn't know when it's going to end.

What I love, though, is how trains, like it never seems to matter what's on that track. It could be an elk or a Sherman tank. They always just go right through it like, I can't believe it's not. Like, it's insane. They always win. They always win. They always win.

Fuck. Wow. That's pretty cool, Tom. I feel like I've waited my whole life to see that though. I don't think, I've never seen that before. You haven't? No, have you ever seen a train cut some shit in half like that? Like that's pretty dope. I feel like I never get to see it. Yeah. I've wanted to. This is a special day. Treat. Yep.

I swear to God. Unbelievable. Have you ever seen a train cut something like that? I've seen it hit animals and cars, yeah. In real life? No, videos. What animal did you see? A sheep. Oh, Jesus. What happened to the sheep? Did it go flying or was it splattered? It splats. Like a dragonfly on a window. And then the other sheep go like... And they go right back to where they were going. They just look to go, holy sheep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Play on words. I deserve to get hit by a train after that one. You been at Target lately? I've been at Target a lot, yeah. Did you check out how bullshit their plus size section is? It's so fucked up. Here. Back at Target? What the hell? This is literally the plus size section. This is literally it. This has like sprinkled in like mediums and other things like aren't even plus size. Okay, this is the 10th non plus size item thing I've seen in the plus size section. What is plus size? Looks like this.

Make things with no thanks. You know what I mean? First of all, do you have to look like the floor where Terminator 2 rose up? Remember when the security guard was at the coffee machine? Yeah, yeah. And the Terminator came up out of the floor? That's the fucking floor. Maybe she's a huge fan. She looks like she should get hit by a huge fan. She's like that train.

But I mean, should Bob's big boy be shopping? That's what I want to know. Yeah, there it is. There's the Terminator. She's wearing the Terminator pants. How funny would it be if the Terminator came right out of her crack right now?

Hey, fatty, let's go to the cafeteria. Such a fucking great movie. Really is. This one, this is the second one, and it crushed so hard. Dude, all of them were kind of rad, right? The first one was like a game-changing, especially concept. This one...

Completely broke everybody's boundaries and mind on what special effects can do. Plus the story was unbelievable. Oh, do I even want to go into it? What?

So my brother did that Liquid Terminator guy. What do you mean? Yeah. Did him. What do you mean? He created him. He did? Yeah. Your brother's a special effects guy? He invented that stuff. No shit. He did the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. What? Yeah. There's a documentary on him called Jurassic Punk. Check it out. It tells his story. Are you messing with us? No. I'm serial. Pull up Jurassic Punk.

Totally serial. Steve Williams. That's your bro? He's not my biological brother, but we went to animation college together. So we were roommates and everyone thought, are you guys brothers? And we got tired of saying it. So we just started saying, yeah, we're brothers. And so we've been calling each other brothers all these years. Wow. That's cool.

But he created the Liquid Terminator guy. That blew everybody's mind. That was wild. Oh, yeah. That was so incredible. That's what this movie's about, how he changed the world. And it still holds up because I got into those movies like a year ago or whatever. I re-watched them all. It was still really fantastic. It's amazing. So good. It's a beautiful movie. Still terrifying. Scroll down again. Oh, yeah. Robert Patrick. He was amazing in that. Yeah. So good. Oh, my God. Yeah. He was great.

Great. Look at that face. Yeah. Just that walk, that walk he did. Yeah. He was so good in that. That's a real flattering image they used for him. Yeah. Really nice for the mouth hanging open. Can we get a shot of you in the wind tunnel, Robert? I mean, come on. With your psoriasis flared up. They had to do that to him? Hey, let's pick a picture and it's him. Yeah. Yeah.

We all have pictures like that on the internet. I know. The worst is when you do a gig. Let's say you're going to Abu Dhabi or something. You ever do a gig there? No.

There's one coming up. No way. How weird. I picked that one. That's a very bizarre thing. I'm on a whole planet and I picked Abu Dhabi. But you'll do a gig. Instead of asking you for a picture, they'll find one of the old ones. You're prepubescent or you look like that. Or they'll just put his picture up.

Yeah. That's the poster. And the best part is when somebody will be like, you don't look like that picture. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, that's like 20 years ago. Like I'm trying to pull the wool over their eyes. Yeah, they think you did it. Yeah, I did it. One time a club, they did what you're doing and they, people, you know, especially with podcasts, they Photoshop the shit out of things for fun. Yeah. And the club just didn't look and they advertised the show on a photo with me with no eyebrows. Yeah.

And that was on the website? And I was like, this is what you picked? No, even better. Our friend Lundy, Eric Lundy, photoshopped one of Tom's headshots with a big dick in it. Yeah. Whoa. And then one of the clubs picked it up and made it the poster for the recap. What? Yeah. Yeah, that's the one. That's brutal. Look at that.

That doesn't even, yeah, that doesn't look like you at all. The eyebrows are a real throw like this. Yeah. Tom Segura brought to you this weekend by Sophora.

But the dildo one, yeah. And they had it pointing to the mouth, too. It was a big, giant, purple dildo pointing at my mouth. What city was this? I don't remember. I'm trying to remember. For real? In the 20-year-old headshots with a dildo in it. Yeah, they did. What'd you say to them? Yummy, thanks. Thanks for doing that. Did you? Yeah, I mean, I'm like, sure. We're going to get the right crowd, for sure. If you do that, that's going to be the best one they could get. Dude, look how dark your beard was.

Yeah. You look like you woke up that morning and punched a canoe. That's 17 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Those are my genes. And look how your nose has changed. She's saying that she tells me how bad I look every day now. That's not true. Not every day. She's like, you got bags under your eyes. Your nose is growing. She's like, you have the old. She said I look like John Amos. No. It's just his nose. Harlan, hold on. Just his nose. Look at his nose.

She's like, oh, that Johnny, that guy. Oh, your nose. It's growing into it. A little bit. I think it's a little bit, but I'd say on a scale of 10, like a two. Thank you. Out of 10. You don't like that? No, it's fine. But you had your blephs done, right? Your upper and lower. Blephs? What's a bleph? Your...

You know, your eyes done. Me? You've had a facelift. I've never had anything done. How do your eyes look so good? Yeah. They do? Yeah. Like you don't have any folds hanging over. You don't have bags here. You know, I don't know. It's weird. My uncle just turned 100. 100? 100. And he still lives alone, drives, walks around. My dad is 96. He lives alone. Oh, my God.

So I've always thought that I was 10 years... Age-wise, I'm a certain age, but I've always felt physically I was 10 years younger

beneath what i actually was aged it's a little i think i have a little bit of the benjamin buttons thing going but i've never had anything done ever and your health and i never will yeah i've never had any health issues ever your dad's 96 and your uncle's 100 is 100 and he was in the royal canadian air force as a tail gunner and did 43 missions over germany and lived

wow bill and is this your your dad's brother dad's brother so that side of the family has got something going on i mean that's good genetics did his parents live long uh my grandfather i think he lived it to 80 or something right and that's from that uh real prior generation yeah 80 is insane yeah he lived long so yeah but no i've never had anything done i wouldn't i actually like

I just did this movie Wingman and I had to look at all the dailies and everything. And on the screen, I could see sort of these sort of lines, like laugh lines or age lines. I don't know what you call them, but I really liked them. I felt like they made me look worldly and sort of, I feel like they tell a story. Not that I want to be an old wrinkly man, but I guess at the stage I'm at now, I sort of dig them. I feel like kind of Robert Patrick without the red flare-up.

Looks good, man. You look good. Really? Yes. Yeah. I mean, look, I wake up every morning to like, God, look at your face. Come on, Tommy. So she says. So she says that. Every morning. Yeah.

She's like, when are you going to make an appointment? And I'm like, dude, maybe a separate bedroom time. Yes, yes. At that point in your relationship. At least to wake up and start the day decently. Yeah, like, you know what you do? You move into an Ikea and then you have your choice of bedroom sets. That's a great idea. You could even sleep way down the hall. This is a great idea. Thank you. Can we talk about, because I, it's such a, I know you've talked about it before. What? It's such a legendary scene.

Yeah, whatever you want. What is it in? Is it in something about Mary? What's the scene? Describe it. Wait, wait, wait. No, is it Dumb and Dumber? No, Trooper. Oh.

Oh, dumb and dumber. Oh, what, the pee drink? Yeah, dumb and dumber. Our kids laugh so hard at that. So here's the thing I'm curious about. Oh my God, dude. Because you have your scene. It's like, this is your moment to come in. And for people that don't know or need a reminder, you pull them over, they're driving erratically, and they've been drinking...

they've been drinking beer and pissing in the bottle. Yeah. And you're like, give me that bottle. But do they, do the directors have any idea what you're going to do? Or are you just like, I'm just going to do something. So that was my first movie. That's your first movie. Yeah. It was really my first big acting job ever. Okay. And so,

I was terrified. I was excited, but also terrified. And I'm working with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, who at that point had been nominated for Oscars. So now here's me, first time ever working with an Oscar winner or nominee. So I was more than a little like, wow, this is wild. How did you come...

Do you have to do something to calm yourself? I just told myself, I was like, this is my destiny. This is where life's led me. Yeah. Take it on the horse and ride it. You're not here.

By accident, you're here to do a job, to take this moment and seize it. Like just, no, you know, I was nervous, but not like, like disabled, you know, didn't disable me. Right. It just sort of got my energy going like, let's go, let's go out. It's like game time, sort of that mentality. Sure, yeah, yeah. Real like...

I earned this. Yeah. And that being said, I was new to it all. And so we went out there and we did that scene. And the directors, Peter and Bobby Farrelly, said, you know, Harland, let's go. And we did it about maybe four or five times. And I was like, okay. And then I walk over to them and Peter says, okay, now do it the Harland way. And I go, what do you mean?

And they go, do it the Harland way. And I go, what are you talking about? And then he said it a third time and I didn't ask again. I just went, they want me to do whatever I do. And so I went in and I did it again and I just improvised it. And that's what's in the movie? Half of it. I'd say exactly about 50% of that is improvised. And then the big one was they had come to see me do stand-up. Peter and Bobby Fairley had come to see me do stand-up in Hollywood.

And at the time, I do that famous thing where I drink the beer and I go, I do that noise. That came from They Saw Me in Hollywood. And at the time, this was what, in the late 80s or the early 90s? It was 94, yeah. Yeah, so Whitney Houston's song, I Will Always Love You, was out. It was a huge hit. And I used to do a joke that her register would get higher and higher. I will always love you.

And I used to do jokes. She'd go so high that she'd go into dolphin noises like whale noises. Oh. I will always love you. And I did that. They were there that night. So after I had improvised about three or four takes, they said, let's do one more. And he says, do your noise. What noise? He goes, the whale noise.

And I go, where? He goes, I don't know. You just do it. And that is such an, that's the iconic part of that. And so I thought, I'm never going to drink pee. Most people in their life will never drink pee. So I thought, what reaction would a human body have to drinking such a foreign substance? So I thought, that's when I'll do it. So I just grabbed the thing. I was like...

You know, like I swished it around a little bit. Yes, yeah. I had to like, I realized this is a foreign taste. I have to take it in. Yeah. And then once I took it in, I go, well, what's the reaction? How's my body going to react to human pee? And so that's where it came from. A tear-inducing scene. It is? Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I mean, this movie, we just watched it again, but then it takes you back to watching it the first time. Yeah. And that, for me, was like one of those formative moments

Yeah. And this scene absolutely killed it. And our kids were rolling, dying watching you do that. Wow. Well, I got to give thanks to those guys for letting me. Yeah, and encouraging it. Yeah, because as a first time movie, it was not in my brain to start improvising. And what was really fun is to watch

some of the improvs. I wish I could go back and look at the outtakes because they had me do it a number of times. I think they just had me do it because every time I did something new and I think they were getting amused.

But what was great is there's a number of takes where I busted Jim and Jeff up. Like we had to stop the take because I made them laugh. That's awesome. And that felt really good. That had to make you feel amazing. I mean, I didn't want to because I knew it's like we're rolling. I was sort of scared, but I couldn't stop. It was just flowing out of me. And I got them. So it was a great memory. And thank you for the compliment. Yeah, of course.

Of course. It must also blow your mind to learn that drinking urine is actually so beneficial. Urine therapy is wonderful. You can bathe in it. You can drink it. You can actually insert it rectally. It has so many healing properties.

it's really, really good for you. Come on now. I swear. Oh yeah, we talk about it a lot. How do I find that? How can I show him? I thought it was only good for like if he got stung by a jellyfish. Well, that too. See, that's just the beginning. If you go into that played folder at the bottom in the shaman folder. Yeah, yeah. Let me see here. At the top of that, there's another folder. Yeah. Uh,

This is so, it's so good for you, man. So good. Yeah. Come on. So me and Brian crew just taught a really juicy anus workshop today and got a little bit into the prostate too. And that caused some pre-cum to be secreted from my manhood.

So a little bit of sperm teeped out, a little bit of testosterone, a little bit of spermidine, which is good for muscle growth, a little bit of nerve growth factor, which is really good for your brain and your nervous system. What else came out? A little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin, a bonding hormone, which lowers cortisol. So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own, the Shivambu, I should call it.

But I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine. Oh, man. Oh, dude. Wow. That's very, very potent. I love this. That looks like an Oompa Loompa that lost his overalls. Like that guy looks creepier than an elf. Like what the hell? If that's what you look like after drinking urine, it's...

It's good for you. All stick to cream soda thing. So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years. So much. It's not real. Yeah. That's not real. He's from Canada too. He's Canadian. Like injecting heavy metals and aborting people's cells right into your body.

So good for you, man. So good. Wait, you guys sound like you haven't done it, have you? Well, I started to after he came on the show and he really changed our perspective. He came on the show or he came on the show? Well, kind of both. It was... You've drank your own pee now, Tom. Yeah, but I got a full...

tutorial i also did ball cupping rituals with him and uh yeah and like because the spartans and the and the uh samurai used to do like lick each other's nipples sniff each other's taints and stuff i'm serious you want to build your testosterone if you want a natural build it really is good you did not drink your own pee tom it's good for you yes did you well i'm a little scared i'm gonna watch him do it and then i'm gonna do it this week i've decided

For reals? Well, I've been cutting out certain things in my diet just to clean my urine up and make it more beneficial. I'm struggling to cut out In-N-Out Burger, and you guys are drinking your piss? Yeah. Yeah. Dude. I mean, look at this, bro. It's not an accident. Those are piss biceps if I've ever seen them. Wow. Yeah. I'll tell you what's good for your piss.

Cream soda. Is it? You want it to taste good? Sounds like you guys are asking me for something. Yeah. Oh, that's going to be real nice. Do you want some later? Well, I have to drink my own. Well, don't be so selfish. Yes. God. Can I share? There's a little spermidine in there, too. That's the best part. Did you really do it? Yeah. It was good. How much did you drink? Like maybe three of those. Bottles? Yeah. No, you didn't. Yeah. Yeah.

How did it taste? It's not that great, but you think about the benefits as you're doing it. You're listening to this nut on YouTube? Well, he came on the show. Yeah, but he's a nut. Yeah, potato, potato. You don't know the... He's not like a doctor. He's got a grateful dead flag over his head. Yeah. And he looks like an Oompa Loompa with SARS. You have that? Dude. That's in that folder, too. Oh, it is? Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah, I'll...

And you're going to do it this week? I am. Basically, I'd have to cut out coffee, too, and I don't want to. So that's been my struggle because it just gets too sour and bitter. I'm not buying it. That's true. You saw the science. Look at the title, Tom. He's got it. Oh, I got you. Okay. Here. Here.

He did this too, this is pretty crazy. You ready? Yeah. This one you can do in your hotel room. Very easy. Oh lordy, what's he doing? I'm not even looking. He has a mantra, listen. I can't. I can't look. Is he putting a pole up his armpit? He's falling out of a girth mover. I did not watch. I did not look at that. That is scarring. Are you playing it again? No.

I'm just looking at you. I'm looking at you, picturing you drinking your Newman's Old Lemonade. I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. There you go. It's a great mantra. Shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless. You want to get all of it out. You want to waste it. Is he, like, ingesting all of his bodily excretions? I think he's trying out most of them. Because if there is a Lincoln Log episode, I do not want to. I might have to leave. Yeah.

He doesn't eat the... The poo-poo? No, not that we know of. Have you seen Naked Martin? No, we don't want to see that. No, but Naked Martin you have to see. No. Yeah. Come on, man. Can I look at you? I mean, I can't believe it's not butter. Now I got to believe this bullshit?

Naked Martin's pretty incredible. No. Please. Is it a pine Martin or a human Martin? Well, first of all, he's British, so it takes a lot of the edge off. Oh, he's British. Yeah. He's eating his poopy. Well, he's wishing good luck to people. You're blurring this stuff, right? Like when you air this, are you blurring this? It's educational. Well, yeah, if it's educational, you're allowed to get away with it. No. Yeah, if they're actually teaching you something, yeah.

Did you do the last one? Yeah, that got rejected. You drank the pee, but did you do the upside down mayonnaise? We tried to pass it. You ate your own mayonnaise? No, no, no. I haven't done that. No, not yet. Are you going to? I mean, I hope to get there. Yeah, if I become enough of a man. I wish you would do it. I would laugh. You wouldn't be gross, so you would never kiss his lips again. You think I haven't tasted his stuff already?

I've made two of his babies. It's been all over me. It's in me, on me. 20 years, Harland. To watch him fertilize his own face. To spill seed on his own lawn. All right, here's Naked Martin. Was it a poo? No, no. No, look. Oh, God. I think I saw that guy at Burning Man. Look, look, look. I can't. Just look.

Oh, God. I can't look. Harland, come on. I can't. Bingo and Rolly would look. Just look. Be brave. You're not going to look at all? Be brave. I'm seeing it in the reflection in your glasses. You're not looking. I see it in the reflection. Just look now. It's paused. It's fine now. It's not gross. Oh, it's a piece of bread. Yeah, it's fine. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Man, that guy really does know how to shit a loaf. So since you're not going to watch. No, I can't. Please. I'll tell you. I can't. You tell me. Verbalize it. Okay, he takes a dump on the bread perfectly, spreads it around, makes a sandy, cuts it in half, and eats it.

But we had to pay him a fortune to do it. You did? $80. What kind of bread? Wonder? It's white bread, yeah. Sarah Lee? Because Pepperidge Farm remembers. I mean, the Pillsbury Doughboy's rolling over in his yeasty grave right now. He would not like Nick and Martin videos. Pepperidge Farm? You can take it down. Nothing says loving like a shit sandwich.

That's their new commercial. You hit that thing on the counter and a shit pops out. This guy, he's wild. Wait, is there another one? No, no, no. This is just a lady who works in a sweatshop that makes videos on TikTok. Oh, okay. That's palatable. I can handle that. Oh, yeah. All right, all right. Sorry. We actually have to wrap up. We have to wrap up. I'm sorry. Thank God. I've never been on a podcast, but thank Christ.

Couldn't happen soon enough. Could we have wrapped up five minutes ago, please? I got some stuff I'll send you. Yeah. You can watch it in private. I think I already saw it floating in the toilet. Jesus. Tommy. You know what? Forget the camping trip. Yeah, we're not going to go. No. I've learned too much. It's funny because every time I have somebody on, they don't want to hang out. It's already hanging out, apparently. Yeah, it is. Do you want to see another one?

Wanna see something crazy? Yeah. You do? Yeah. You're not watching though. What? Give me a heads up. Harlan, it doesn't get worse than what we just saw. Okay. Than that? Let go. I thought you said we had to stop. We do. We do. Let's see. Okay. But we're not. We're gonna clearly keep it going. Right before you come, yeah, I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing.

I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone. Well, it's normal size. It's not that big. Well, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's...

It's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time. I need it right now. No. I need it right now. What's he doing? He's got a Wendy's drive-thru microphone on his mouth. I am not going to have drive-thru ruined for... Oh, God.

okay oh god i feel like i'm watching give it to me now give it to me now give it to me the sand worms weren't done quite i'm gonna put this in your mouth and you're gonna have to suck it dry you're gonna just suck it dry you got that beautiful mouth and i like how he's threatening mark with it it's not that it is not that big it's not that for mark to suck it dry is not that big of a deal well you don't know how much comes out wait who's mark this is the guy he's talking to

Dude, you have soiled me for life. I'm so happy. I'm so happy you came today. I'm so happy we did this. Please don't say I came today. You did come. You're going to come again, too. Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay. It's over. It's over. Do you have horse blinders or anything? Yeah, yeah. We could get them. One more reminder. Harlan Williams hosts the Harlan Highway podcast. Not anymore. He has an upcoming movie called Wingman.

Are we hitting, what, theaters or streamers? We don't know yet. We're just editing it. We're putting it together. But just quickly before we go, I am bringing back the In That Movie. I'm bringing it back. It's amazing. We put it in. Amazing. Very exciting. Thank you for coming. Thank you. And can't wait to see you again. Thanks for having me. See you at the urinal. Okay. You got that beautiful mouth. You got that. You got that. You got that.

you put your balls in my mouth put them in my hand working my way down a little bit

Just a little bit. Get on it. If you want me to. Suck on that. If you want me to. Play with your cheeks. I would rub your cheeks and massage your little hole and make you feel you're just it. Is that okay? You're just it. Come on. Show me that you like me. Show me that you like me.

Suck it dry, you're gonna just suck it dry, Mark Come on, this ain't gonna get hard till I'm ready to cum Give it to me, Mark, don't be stingy Give it to me, Mark, don't be stingy That's my hole, that's where it spits It's not You bet I'm coming up in May You better believe I'm coming I would just I would just You got that beautiful mouth, you got that You bet I'm coming up in May

You better believe I'm coming. I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just, I'm half cut. Yeah. Because I got cut when I was adult. The doctor messed it up. I had what they called oriental warts. He was supposed to circumcise me so that I wouldn't have the problems. That's as far as he got. That's as far as he got. Oh yeah. I just pulled the skin forward. Skin forward.

Normally when it's asleep and when it gets big well comes right out I still don't take anything for enhancement enhancement all natural You better believe You better come and up in me

You better believe me, come on I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just