Coming Out As A Husband w/ Sal Vulcano | Your Mom's House Ep. 767
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Offer valid for a limited time. Other fees and terms apply. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I don't say this enough, but I just want to point out, Christina, you look as beautiful as I have ever seen you. Oh, that's interesting.

That's a good point. Let's welcome our guest today. He has a new special out. It's called Terrified. You can see it on YouTube. And of course, the brand new tour, the Everything's Fine Tour is on sale now. You can get tickets at salvolcanocomedy.com. It's Sal Volcano, everybody. Everybody. Yay. Hi, Christina. Good to see you.

We're getting the cold shoulders today. Yeah, but you know. What did you do? What did you do? She's, you know, she's sassy. Yeah. You know what I mean? When was the last time you had an argument so bad that you didn't sleep in the same bed? Is that something that ever happens to you? Friday. No. Yeah. I mean, come on now. No, seriously. Friday. Are you serious? I swear to God. No. What happened? You left. What?

On your own accord, or were you told to leave? No. Did this happen, this arm movement? No. She just walked out. Oh, you were left. I was left, yeah. And then what happens? You just go to another wing of the home? She goes to one of the guest homes. She went to the guest house. Okay. No, seriously, she did. No, really? No.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What could have happened so bad that it would have actually caused that kind of a rift? Fucking broads. You know what I mean? Yeah, broads. Yeah. You know how it is. Yeah. Fucking, yeah. It's fine now. Yeah, it's fine. Okay, so how did you mend? How many nights were you sleepless in Seattle? One. It was one night? One night, yeah. And who initiated... Listen, thanks for joining me today. Yeah. Who...

Who initiated the mend? I don't know. I was like, you're a fucking asshole the next day. And then she was like, I just need you to hear me when I say this. And I go, yeah, I fucking hear you. And then, yeah, then it just kind of was like, okay. How long have you guys been together?

37. 37. Isn't it wild that you still have the exact, like the same, like I just need you to listen to me. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Like 37 years. Because haven't you been with your lady a long time? Yeah, I've been with her, geez, I don't even know what, like on and off in the beginning, but like a good like 12, 13 years. On and off, that's what I'm talking about. On and off player. Yeah. You know, on and off until a couple weeks ago, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. When was the last time you had a...

Like, I go sleep in the... Oh, yeah. You mean just go sleep right outside my bedroom in the small living room? I'm not happy with you. Sleep over there. Yes. I feel like... I don't know if I've, like... I'll just, like, end up falling asleep on the couch. You know? Yeah. It's an accident. Yeah.

No, I don't know. I don't really know. I mean, we've had some heaters. Some heaters. Yeah, we've had some heaters. You know what it is, though? I've been like really, we've been really work at that stuff. So like, I won't let it get that far. Yeah, I didn't know it was that far. Yeah.

Well, that's because you're not listening. Yeah, I wasn't listening. It is what it is. No, but it's good now. It's fine now. Everything's fine. No, everything's fine. Exactly. That's how I feel all the time. No, I actually just recently announced that I'm married to her, which I never did before. How come? Privacy. Privacy. Just don't want other people to know that. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I've been in the public for so long. I play myself. This is like, it's good and bad. You know what I mean? What was the reaction to you announcing it?

picked up by news outlets across the country, which I thought is not news, but like, yeah, it is news, I guess. I guess it is. I mean, I, I, I kept keep everything really close to the vest, you know, both my, you know, pencils and my secrets. Yeah. No, I, I just, I just announced like, I was like, you know what? Cause I'm, I'm, how did you announce it?

On a podcast, believe it or not. It just came out. How long have you been married? We've been married about five years. And you just announced that you've been married for five years. Yeah. You don't think that's kind of strange? Not to me. Because of your privacy? Yes. But wait a minute. What...

What is the thing about people knowing that you're married that is a violation of privacy? Well, first of all, before I was ever even in the public, I was a very private person. Three things I cannot stand. Flying, touching people, and not being private. Flying, touching people. Taking photos. No, not you. Strangers. Yeah, the general thing that happens to you now is you have to fly.

Touch people. You hate flying? Hate it. Really? Yeah. You have a fear of flying or just not happy with it? I mean, a fear. I don't like flying. Yeah, I'm afraid. I just have terrible, I just don't even want to say out loud my worst fears or anything. Really? Yeah. Because I fly with somebody every week, Sean, who's a photographer, trainer, and every week we get on a plane.

He sits next to me and he pulls out a Nintendo Switch and puts on headphones and does this from takeoff basically to touchdown. - Really? - And I'm like, "What are you doing?" He's like, "This way I'm not focusing on the fact that we're flying." That's how much, and then Bert,

Pretty has been pretty vocal about the fact that he has a fear of flying. Yeah, some people just go I'm not I don't know like maybe it all falls under fear But is it is it fear based like oh my god? I'm in a I never flew a lot as a person as a human being a fool a lot as it hurt But what as an animal as an animal I've flown more than your net ravager, okay But no, I didn't I didn't take my first flight till I was 18. I didn't take flight 20. Really? Yes, I

18. But no, I just touching people, pictures, and flying. That's the three things we have to do most now. But anyway. Yes. No, I mean, once I give my privacy away, I can't get it back. Right. I've had some weird experiences. I'm sure. I'm sure you have. And I have some serious ones, too, like getting authorities involved type of stuff. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, like hiring people to...

Yeah, weird shit like that. No, I've had it too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had it too. I've had security breaches. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we've had some breaches. You've had breaches at the HOME? Well, no one will know what that means. Right, that's why I did it. I've had it in multiple places. I've heard about you listeners, so I'm just trying to keep it between us. Yeah. No, I've had it in a few places. I see I'm still on the wall up there. Yeah, fucking people love you. Yeah.

Yeah, it looks like me. I can't believe that. God rest his soul. Everyone's like, why is Sal on the wall? I'm like, he's awesome. But no, so I just, you know. But how did it feel? Because was it like a, when you actually said it? I'm the one who didn't want, she didn't care at all. And I also revealed that I have a daughter.

This was on the same podcast? Yeah, and she's 18, so that's great. How old's your daughter? She's just under two. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. And it was a big deal for me. That's what I'm saying. It's like a... People are very nice, but I don't want people to approach me all the time and be like, how's your wife? How's your daughter? I got you. I just don't want to... I want to separate...

What I do in my life. That's all. That's all. That's fair. Yeah. But I mean, like now that my new specials out and I'm working on the second hour, I kind of want to like talk about them on stage and stuff. So if I'm going to start doing it in clubs every night, it trickles out. Let me be in control of the narrative, like of what I want to say. Right. And so I just kind of bit the bullet and did it. And people have been very nice about it, but I didn't realize that it would be like a news thing. That's like silly to me. Yeah. Well, you're famous.

I suppose. Yeah, no, you are. I mean, you guys are huge, man. You're going to go into season 45 of... Season 45. Yeah, it's pretty crazy, man. It's just us and...

SNL. What TV show? I mean, what, Simpsons? I mean, you guys, it seems like you could just keep running that show forever. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're still having a good time doing it. Yeah. We just signed for 11 and 12. It didn't get announced yet, but season 11 starts July 11th. I'm shooting it now. Yeah. And yeah. Thanks so much. Thank you. Now, it's three of you now, right? It's three of us. Yeah. What is that? Is it Joe? Joe. What does he do?

He actually just wrote a children's book and is touring himself. Oh, he is touring. Yeah, he stopped down initially to...

make like to just spend time with his family and to kind of like repair his relationship with his wife, which he is doing great. And they're all, they're the best they've ever been. Great. It took his time down and then kind of started up on something else. And, you know, and now he's just like happy and doing his thing. So, well, that's great. God bless him. That's good. That's good. Let's talk about your other fears though. Yeah. So please, the privacy thing I get, I understand. Yeah. How do you deal with, do you do anything during flights to deal with flying? Like, like I mentioned, you know,

Sean plays games, Burt drinks until he blacks out. What do you do to... I just...

Clench my ass and I really just try not to cry Do you have a preference in aircraft because I know you charter because you're rich so like yeah, do you prefer the bigger ones? No, I no joke when I had that whole max 7 whatever Boeing max thing happened I looked up every single flight I had booked for like a year and canceled all the ones that were on the max really yeah I'm not kidding around not playing with game. I'm playing with fire. No telling me that these people are just forgetting I'll tie it like to bolt screws Yeah, yeah, what do you want? What do you want me to do as a consumer? It's great

You know what I mean? And then you listen to the internal memos that they're like, you know, the engineers are like, we think this needs more time. And the executives are like, just fucking put it out. Everything's always waved off. Show me the news example where they're like, you know what? We checked it and things were tight. It's always just like, well, they overlook. Everybody's overlooking everything. One of the things about that was that the engineers said, well, in order for the pilots to really...

these upgrades, they're going to have to go get kind of like recertified. Sure they are. And then the execs were like, they're fine. So they're like, no, no, no, they need more time in like the simulator and classroom. And they were like, no, no, no, no.

So it's clear cut. Yeah, these pilots are running MS-DOS still. And then the pilots just didn't get that memo. Yeah. The pilots are like, is that touchscreen? Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know how to do that. You got guys flying that still tip their cap. Sure. They got unfiltered Paul Moles in that pilot. I know. You got to let them know what Windows 98 is. You got to let them know. I wish we could go back to that fucking days when the pilots were like that and the flight attendants were hot.

The pilots ruled. Yeah, that was great. Now you got these fucking... People are carrying their luggage in their hands. Thunder thighs. Fucking Sally walking down the aisle mad about her day. What happened to the...

to the integrity and the, they used to be proud, I feel like, of flight attendants. - When they would weigh them, that's when they were proud, when they were like, "Get on the scale." - When they would weigh the luggage? - No, they'd weigh the flight attendants. - The attendants. - Yeah, and they were like, "What are you, 125? "Jesus Christ, skip a meal."

Get to the back of the good old days. I feel like the TSA attitude is creeping into flight attendants now. Like, I think it's like, like, you know, I don't know. I think maybe it's like contagious, but like, I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. No hoops.

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I feel like a lot of times that we're doing them a favor. Yeah. No, I know. Like if you, if I need to, I, I get in my seat and I try not to do anything and say anything and bother anybody. I'll hold in my piss until it's really an issue. I've never taken a shit on a plane. Never will. You've never taken a shit? Never have, never will. There's nothing you can say to make me do it. There's a, there's a fucking, I remember the first time.

The first time I did, it was obviously an emergency. I was like, there's just nothing I can do. You remember the first time? Yeah. Like you remember when JFK was shot? Yeah. It was like losing my virginity. And then that day you're like, this is the worst. And then something happens. You're like, oh yeah, like this is kind of an option. Like I've already broken the- You freed yourself of the chain. Yeah. And then now I'm like, oh, I got a shit. And I go up there and here's what- Even you now. Oh yeah. You as you.

yeah and my favorite thing is that i i learned obviously that you wipe with wet paper towels that's the move because the toilet paper is shitty and it falls apart it's terrible it's one point you get thicker you know paper towels and you soak them in hot water and it's just beautiful you're opening up a line of questioning for me now okay okay you're not supposed to flush anything on the plane yeah why

You don't know this? You're not supposed to flush on the plane? No. What do you mean? Oh, you're not supposed to flush. You're not supposed to put any paper or hot products in there at all. What are you talking about? There's a sign right in there. It says it. Don't put paper products in the toilet? Yeah. Where are you supposed to put your toilet paper? This is what I'm saying. This is not. No, this is incorrect. I don't believe it is. Whatever you're thinking is wrong. I'm pretty sure that you're not supposed to. You're supposed to wipe your ass after you shit and stuff it into the, like you're in fucking Mexico? What are you talking about? I think it's like a tour bus. I think Delta believes you're not going to shit. Yeah.

I really do.

Am I crazy? Like, isn't there a sign that says do not flush? Maybe it says don't flush paper towels then. No. I think it says like don't flush any foreign objects, but not like toilet paper. Foreign objects. Toilet paper is allowed. Paper towels are usually in there. It's because anything, you can actually put anything into an airplane toilet and it will go down. It'll suck your sack down. It'll suck anything down. So they're telling you because you could put a hair dryer in there and it would fucking go down. They don't want you to disrupt-

the plumbing that's in there. Right, and I think the paper towels do that. No, you're good. I think that you, and I don't know how it manifests itself once you've got enough in there. Yeah. But I think maybe you're not supposed to do that. And so I thought you were then wiping your ass and putting it in that little garbage. Oh my God.

Which, by the way, that garbage, the springs on that thing are very taut. They are. And every time you want to throw something out, you can't just, you have to essentially put your whole fist in there to get it in. Otherwise, it's going to slam back on you and that stuff's going to be hanging halfway out. That's very true. Let's do this real quick. Opening clip and then we get back to touching people. Please. Here we go. Uh-oh, I'm getting my job back at 7-Eleven. Uh-oh, I'm getting a girlfriend back. Uh-oh, I'm doing it safely.

Uh-oh, it's all coming together. Uh-oh, I'm pretending I'm Shiver. Who is Randy? You know who that is? That's Jesse Itzler, he owns the Hawks. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

Yeah.

How many times before you were like, that's it? What's that? Did you create the opening? Like someone came to you with the opening and you were like, pass, pass, pass. Yeah. That's it. More this, more that. So wait, the song or the clip right here? I mean, this clip right here? Yeah. So this is a, I just chose this to be the opening clip. I have a bank of clips that I can play. Okay. And it's, you know, you try to find something short, not too long. Sure. You know, it has a little spice to it, something unique.

This guy's got a lot going on. He seems like a really laid back fellow. You know, the thing is, he feels like his whole, he's like, uh-oh, everything's happening as he's shaving his head. I thought it was pretty cool. He really owns the Hawks? Yeah, Jesse Itzler, right? Doesn't he own part of the Hawks? Yeah. Yeah, he's got, I mean, his eyes say a lot. Yeah. Well, he's a fucking, he's a great businessman. He used to rap. And he's a distance, ultra distance runner too.

Seriously, look him up. He used to rap in what context? He was a legit rapper. For real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know when you go to a Knicks game? Yeah, of course. You know that Knicks song that they've been kind of playing for like 25 years that everybody will sing along with? That's him. He wrote it. Are you serious? I swear to God.

Put it up. Pull it up. The Jesse Gitzler, Nick's song. You remember that actor? I think he passed, but he was awesome. He was like the one in Meet the Parents. He was like, well, Florence Gleitnigale will play a little defense. Yeah. You know that guy? Yeah. He's in like James Reborn, maybe his name is. He looks a little bit like him. Really? Yeah. Yeah. This guy's really fascinating, actually. He started Marquise Jett's.

And then he's a great entrepreneur, like a brilliant entrepreneur. And I guess he's just giving himself a haircut. Wow. I mean, there's other guys I could have played, you know, like... This is him? 99 out of 100 chicks will tell you I have the largest penis they've ever seen. The one who didn't see it, she's blind.

You know, cool guys. Yeah. So he should really just say 99 out of the 99. You're right. Why would he mess up his whole statistic? I don't know. His stat line's gone now. I know. Yeah. Well, he's not a pro, you know. 99 out of 100. Here's the next song. Listen. You know it, I'm sure. That's right. The eight seed in the thick of the race. And while you're trying to react to the shots we be blocking. Check out Gordon Rocking. Spree. Hitting threes. Playing Houston. Launching jumps from the top of the key. And Ward. Doing child's and Larry's. And Marcus can't be.

So in this, he told a story about this. I think I saw it in like an Instagram clip about going to the Knicks executives and they were like, the fuck is this? And then he somehow convinced them to play it. Was he him when he went to them? Yeah, he was not a known. Oh, he wasn't? No, no. He just was like, blah.

"Play this," or whatever. I forget how he got him to do it, but the thing is, it's been 25 years. - Yeah, I mean, go New York, go New York, go. Is that slanted in? - That's the, yeah. - Wow. - Yeah. - That's pretty crazy. - It's pretty cool. - And that's not even what he's known for. - No, he's a brilliant entrepreneur. So let's go to the other thing. So it was flying, which we established. Even when you're on your G4, you still don't like it.

The other thing is privacy and then touching people. Is this you mean like hands on you? Yeah. Handshakes. Handshakes? Are you a fist-bumped guy? Yeah, I remember an executive one time doing that to me, and I was like, what was that? And they were like, yeah, he doesn't like... It feels weird because sometimes people get oddly taken aback. Yeah. And if they know me, they know, but if they don't, they're like... And I'm just like, you're not...

What's crazy to me is when we're in public or something and like I'm eating something and someone does this and I go like that and they're like, I go, I'm eating. I'll say it. I'm eating right now. So I don't want to have to shake your hand. I guess you're big time with me.

Come on. The only thing is, it's not like I'm like, you know, like put me in a plastic bubble. But if I shake every hand that extends all day long, I'm going to be sick all the time. That's true. I just, I don't have, I have a weak constitution. I'm up front with this. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, and I, when I get a common cold, how long does it take you to get rid of a common cold? Weeks. Yeah, right? Yes. It lingers. It's like the cranberries. I don't know what this is because like, she's unreal. She gets sick and will say like, I'm,

I'm going to sleep this... I'm going to fight this tonight. Can you believe that? Like, in her head. She goes, I'm going to fight this tonight. And I go, what? And then... She has the cold go sleep on the couch. She'll fucking power through the night, sweat, and then she gets up and she's like, yeah, I feel better. And I'm like, what? And then I'm sick for like two to three weeks. Two to three weeks on the minimum. Yeah. I mean...

Yeah. Is it something I did? I don't know what it is. Have you ever had, have you ever actually had sex with an actual doll? No. No. Have you? No. Have you done, have you done the fleshlight? No. No. And guess what? We just got, I don't know. Did you get the VR thing? VR headset? Yeah. Yeah. I have a VR headset. But the one that's like made for, I was at. No, no. I've seen porn on it and it's.

The best. They're sending us a AI blowjob machine that like it learns your preferences and it's super fucking. It learns your preferences. It's this. That's what it says. I mean, look. How does it learn your preferences? I don't understand. I don't know yet. I haven't received it, but this is coming to us. It listens. Take notes. I mean, look at this.

But like if you scroll down, it's like... But at what point... It feels a little too sterile for me. You know what I mean? Like it does feel like you just... It looks like a recycling bin or something. I mean, look at it. We've changed the game. This is... Oh, yeah. And it comes with... Yeah, you can do it with a porn sink so you can watch it as it blows you. That's nice. That's really nice because they're thinking of everything. This is millions of dollars, tons of people and time and effort spent

It's unreal. I mean, this is engineering at its finest. It really is. This is really, no, it really is. Some really brilliant minds are doing this. Yeah, I know. Yeah. The thing is, this is probably going to be the first one I try. I've never tried the other ones. You were waiting until they perfected it. I was waiting for it to get higher level. Yeah. What if it's the best one you've ever had? Which auto blow is right for you? Right. See, there's different ones.

Yeah, it's criminal that they just make different levels. Just make one with all the bells and whistles and make it at a reasonable price point and let everybody have the same suck job. See, look at this too. It's telling you this one, pleasure is good. Noise, medium. Wi-Fi, no, yes. Video sync, no. Video sync, yes. Previously, you want the video sync. Why do you need a printer?

Print oh, that's comparing it to the Auto so you want the the auto blow AI ultra is what it looks like. Yeah vacu-glide It doesn't sound appealing to me. It doesn't have the video sync who fucking wants to do without the video What am I saying? He had not pretending that it's real Auto blow a I auto blow. Yeah, what's it using? I love that. They do like to compare like comparing cars Yeah, they're like four-wheel drive. No. Yeah

I love that you've spent like a thousand bucks on this and then like with technology and like six months later, I'm like, you're still rocking the Olo, the Olo Blow Ultra? I know. Like, okay, grammar school. I just imagine that calling customer service for this has got to be so...

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humiliating yeah you're like yeah i'm trying to blow a load and this thing is like it's sucking too fast i mean i want it to slow down at the end these are like these are calls made to be recorded immediately 100 right now i know we should i mean they have to field them what uh what is it does it say support is there a support number

I mean, if they don't have a support number, I'd be surprised. You have to have support. Right here, still undecided, have questions? Save your wrist. It's like one of those commercials I see on TV, like rapid jerking. It's like, ah! Ow! Yeah. I've been jerking too fast. Well, let me ask you this before I forget. The special, where did you shoot it?

I've shot at the Vic in Chicago. It's a great place. Yes, I loved it. We shot it back in December. It's tough choosing where you're going to shoot a special. It is. What made you choose it? I wanted a theater that would play like a club. I wanted them to feel right on top of you. I wanted that energy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wanted it to feel packed up tight. Didn't want to go too, too big with it, but I wanted it to feel like a theater. So it was a few. I looked at the Wilbur. I looked at...

the Vic and a couple other ones. And I was just like, you know what, Chicago? Great crowds. Great crowds. And they did. That was the one thing I was worried about. I was like, I hope the tapings will be, like the crowds will be indicative of the best crowds that I've gotten, you know, on the road and everything. Because you never know. You never know. And it's the biggest fear you feel is you're like,

I'm going to pick this city. And then you, you know, you've been playing great, great venues and great crowds. And then you, you don't know if it's going to be like that. Yeah. And then you get there and you're like, guys get on board here. But no, they were like four. They were like the best crowds I've had. They were really, that's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. So it felt good. Um, yeah, it's called terrified. It's on YouTube on 800 pound gorilla. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, it came out a few days ago and, uh, doing well. Congrats, man. Thank you, brother. That's awesome. Um, I don't know if I, if you noticed or, uh,

I haven't mentioned it yet, but you know, I've been growing. Isn't that crazy? You've been growing? Yeah. In height. Have you really? Yeah. Isn't that weird? How's that possible? I don't know. In the last year I grew like an inch and, um, I think I might get like, I don't know, maybe I'll grow another inch or two. I don't know. It's like supplements. I mean, I'm, I'm taking supplements. I'm taking peptides and stuff, but yeah. I love peptides. I take them all the time. Yeah.

Do you stretch? Yeah, sometimes. Do you go on that thing where you turn yourself upside down? No, I don't even do that. Yeah. Well, I mean, are we being serious? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've grown like a little over an inch in the last year. Isn't that nuts? Have you talked to a doctor about this? No, I haven't brought it up because I like it. I don't want them to tell me to do something that stops it. You know, this is, this is unorthodox. You know that. Yeah. It's very strange. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

And you measure yourself? Yeah, no, at the same place on the wall. And it's just, you could tell. Do you feel it? I mean, I feel it when I'm like, sometimes I'm standing next to people. I'm like, oh, this guy used to be, you know, like a little bit taller. And then I'm like, oh, I'm taller. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Have you ever heard of that before?

I know that there's people that are breaking their legs and putting like the extensions in them. Is that really true? That's a real thing. Wow. They do for some guys who are like. You did seem a little taller. I'm not just saying that, but maybe I just didn't register how tall you were to begin with. Yeah. How tall are you before you started to grow freakishly like this? I don't know. I guess maybe under, just under six feet or something. And now you broke six? Yeah. Yeah. Get the hell out of here. Really? Mm-hmm.

It's really exciting. I just wonder if it'll, like, I don't know if it'll, what if it goes and, like, just doesn't stop, you know? That'd be weird. That would be weird, like a reverse. Yeah. Because everything shrinks. I think your nose and ears don't stop growing. They do grow. Mine are definitely growing. She always points it out to me. Yeah. She seems a little bit spacey today. She says that my nose looks like John Amos' nose. John Amos? Yeah. John Amos? Yeah. Not John Stamos. Him.

Yeah, like Amos and Andy? She says that my nose and his nose are similar. Oh, Joe! Fucking McDowell. Yeah. Sure, good times. Because he has a point. It's kind of pointy. I don't see it exactly, but I feel like you could arrive. When you do that, I see it. I see it for sure. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, what if two years from now I'm 6'7"? Anything else growing? Off the record. Off the record? Yeah. No, it's the same. Okay, all right. Yeah.

Well, then you don't really want to keep growing. I know. You know? It'd be fucking strange. It's like now it's, I don't know. Now it's like the lesser, like what's better? Is it better to be taller or is it better to look more in proportionate? Like you hit 6'9". It's going to be. Are you living the life now or now you like, oh my God. But then again, if I get to 6'9", body fat is also going to be like probably. Non-existent. Yeah. I mean like pretty lean. Yeah. So then your piece looks bigger. Yeah.

All right. So all will be revealed. Who's got the biggest dick amongst the tenderloins? Yeah. You know, I never been asked that, but I wish I, I never been asked that, but I have no clue either. You guys haven't looked at each other's dicks? No, no. You guys have been friends since like middle school. Yeah. Yeah. Just escaped. Every time we were going to do it, something came up. You guys haven't measured each other's dicks? No. No. Why have you? Well, I mean, I've had my dick attached to a device with Bert. So like our dicks were like, you know, and they were shocking it.

- Sure. - We were at a dominatrix. - How'd that feel? - It was kinda cool. We had like the same dick, it was weird. - Really? - Yeah. - No way, that is weird. - Even she commented, she was like, "You guys have like the same dick." - That is weird. Did you have to be erect for this? - It helped.

It helped what? Because you can't be totally flaccid in the device. It helped to do the bit or it helped to lessen the shock? Yeah, just to fit into the thing. You can't flaccid put it in. Sure, sure. Yeah. Wow. I was electrocuted a bunch of times on the show.

- Penis? - No, but everything else. - Everything else? - Everything but. - Really? - Yeah, they attached like these, like shot collars meant for large animals to my whole body. And then they, I was in a museum, they made me a tour guide and I had to take this museum tour guide, this tour, in a real museum, real group,

And they got to electrocute me throughout it anytime they wanted. And the whole time all I had to do was I had to make sure that no one in my tour group realized anything was just going on suspicious. So you had to like deal with the shock. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty funny. As I spoke like through the whole like music. You're like, ah, isn't this. Yeah. Yeah. It was bad, man. That's funny. Yeah. You see Chrissy D a lot. Yeah. All the time. We do a podcast together.

All I send him are gay clips that I find online. Sure. He loves them. Oh, yeah. Do you think he's... Do I think he's gay? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Not to be ashamed of that. I think he thinks he is. Bi? Probably full-blown gay, I think. Yeah. Yeah, bi is just maybe like he's just like doing, you know, maybe he's just...

trying to figure out if he's bi. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I sent him a clip where somebody was talking about Dick, and he wrote, nothing better than a fat cop. LAUGHTER

Everyone thinks I'm gay. Everyone thinks I'm gay. Really? Oh, God, yeah. I didn't know that. Really? Well, he's so outspoken about... I got... So, look, I mean, when I'm full around stuff, like with my comedy and stuff, I can definitely, like, be effeminate with my comedy. What do you mean effeminate with your comedy? Like, I'll suck a dick during it. Okay, okay. Um...

No, like I'm just like, you know, I could just be like the way I like act is definitely more like when I'm playful, I'm being like a fan. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Whatever. Like, but I didn't realize like, cause like I've kept hearing it and I didn't realize like exactly like,

I was like really like everyone there and then I realized like about 15 years ago Maybe somewhere over 10 years ago I had a sketch comedy show and we did this we did this sketch with Sally Jessie Raphael who we went on her daytime talk show right mm-hmm and I reveal on the show that I'm gay and then my buddy he reveals He was inspired by me. And so he reveals that he's gay and

And then I say, I have to reveal something. I'm actually not gay, but I knew that you were gay. And I knew that if I revealed that I was gay, that you would reveal that you were gay. And then someone clipped it. Yeah. And it just looks like me on Sally Jesse Raphael telling the world that I'm gay. Yeah.

And I didn't and then I found it one day and had like millions of views there just being like Sally I'm gay and they just like did you see the clip of? Lavelle Crawford on Shannon Sharpe's podcast. No He's sitting there he's talking about the roast and he was like, yeah, you know this dude Tony Hinchcliffe gay dude funny He's like you know

He goes for it. He goes for jokes, and people make fun of him being gay. He's totally serious. It's amazing, dude. He's giving him props as being a funny gay dude. The first time I ever met Charles Barkley, he said, I thought you was gay. That's what he said? Yeah, literally. He just said, Sal. And I said, what's up, buddy? He goes, man. He goes, when I first saw you, I thought you was gay.

Yeah. I didn't pick up on that at all. Yeah. Yeah. Chris, I did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Chris is very gay. It's us together. It's yeah. It's a whole, it's a whole thing. I wanted to take, uh, get your food take on something. I know you love talking food. Sure. First, you know about the, the, uh, um, Chipotle shooting.

No, has that happened recently? Yes, well, yeah, a little while ago. A couple weeks ago. Like a month or so ago, too. Where a guy was standing at the register and he asked for extra guacamole on his food that he had just purchased, which is a standard thing to say. I've heard it, yeah. He became upset because he wasn't given enough guacamole. I've heard that, though. He then called the female Chipotle employee a derogatory name. I've heard that, though. The B word. Okay. Which upset her understandably.

Fellow employees took her to the back to try to calm her down, leaving the front counter unattended. And then Mr. Brown, the suspect who had previously paid for his food items, began to proceed to go around the counter and began to bag his own items. And then he took a cup and filled it with guacamole. A 21-year-old male employee tried to stop him. A physical fight ensued. And then Brown, a licensed CPL holder with no prior criminal history, allegedly shot that employee in the leg.

And the victim is expected to make a full recovery. But this is what can happen when you don't get your guac. Wow. Yeah. I mean, should that guy have been carrying something to begin with? It seems to me if you shoot a child in the leg over guac, you probably should have taken a test and failed it to get the license. But he was licensed and good to go. It just goes to show you, you never really know what the breaking point is going to be. I know. And probably if you had laid out scenarios to this guy the previous day,

Here's what's going to lead to you shooting someone. A, someone's trying to steal your car. B, a confrontation at a club or someone touches your lady. Or C, you didn't get the guacamole. He'd probably be like, yeah, A or B. And A or B are things that he might have been, maybe, you know, oh, this could happen to me one day. Maybe this is why I need this. But C was brought about completely by himself. It was, yeah. Yeah.

Well, where are you in life if you can't take about just five seconds to breathe and say, let me not shoot this child over the guac? I think I kind of get it, though. I do. I kind of get it in the sense, not that you should shoot somebody over guac.

But you see whether the kid deserved it's a whole nother story. Right. I'm saying you see what like sometimes people feel so not heard and not taken seriously that they want to do something that, you know, they'll go sleep in the guest house. Yeah. Yeah. They'll leave the house. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah. - This is why now too, you can't, I mean, even just working at Chipotle, imagine the kid coming home and be like, "I got shot, you know, mom, I got shot." And that's what happened, it was like there was a guac altercation. - Yeah. - You know? And she's like, "I told you, you shouldn't be like working around guac." - Yeah. - Yeah. - It could be. Would you ever shoot somebody over food? - I never say never about anything, Tom. - Yeah. Do you carry? - What's that? - Do you carry a piece on you? - No, I've been thinking about it.

I mean, you're a privacy guy. Yeah. It seems like a privacy guy would have one. I feel like I want to get one. Like, I feel like I should have one, like, in the home. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I don't know. I've been to the gun range a couple times. I fared well. It's fun. Yeah. The range is fun. Yeah, the range is fun. Yeah. I never show, like, I, you know, I always feel like I could be a detective or something in the 70s or something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you'd be a good detective. I always wanted to get out of the car, like one of those really long, like an old automobile with one really long door, and screech out of a bench seat, like get out of the car, and the door is open, and I stand up, and someone's running, or a car's running. I shoot the car as it's going. Usually you hit the window. From the footage I've seen historically, you hit a window, you shatter a window, but then...

the car fishtails and gets away. - Yeah. - You really never see on those older cop shows, like they just put a bullet through the guy's head. - That's true. - Yeah. - Yeah. You could play a good detective. - I think I could. - Yeah. - I'm very inquisitive by nature in general. - Why don't you call Dick Wolf? Tell him to give you a show. - Yeah.

I've never seen one episode of that. None of them? Not one. Not one. Not a single one? You've never caught one flipping through the channels? There was one time. One time I caught one. I don't know which show it was, but it was like parodying and parodying. But it was about Michael Jack. It was about a pop star. Yeah. So I remember seeing that. That's it. I've talked to a few actors that have been on those shows. Yeah. And they all make the point that it is extremely...

after a while. Boring, yeah. Because you're basically doing the same show every week. Oh my God. Every week. And if it's a hit, obviously you're grateful and thankful that you're on a hit show and you're getting paid well and the show's popular. But every week you just come in and you do the same thing. You do like...

what's that? Oh, let me call. And then you get in the car and then you go, were you here on Saturday night? Right. You were here. Oh, you mean like one of the stars of the show? Yeah. They're like, Oh, I thought you meant just like the, like a back. No, no. Like the regulars are like, they, there's nothing as an actor.

exciting about doing this like we just thousands of investigations it's the same thing it's the same and when they explain like at first when i heard on what but then they explain it to you and they're like and then you do the interrogation scene and then you do you know i mean right then you tell the victim the thing and then it's like cut print new episode same next day all right here's the new story this person is you know getting arrested iced tea yeah

They do the same thing. I get it though. No, I get that. I was, I guess they're on a few, a few, I was on bones. Yeah. Um, MacGyver. I did like those types of shows. 12 monkeys. Yeah. You were on MacGyver. Yeah. Yeah. The new one. Oh, I was going to say fucking 82. I know. I wish that was, what'd you do on the new MacGyver? I played a chef.

Oh, you're a total chef guy. Yeah, I played a chef on the new MacGyver, like one of those like where people come and like it's like a 10 course meal. I'm like a chef, famous chef. And I like, you know,

I mean, it was quick. - Do you like it? Was it fun? - It was all right. I was sitting around all day. - Yeah, it's a lot of sitting around. - Bones, I played a sanitation worker that found a dead body, a dismembered dead body. Came up in my street sweeper. - Nothing made me crazier than I did Workaholics. - Yeah. - You know, and a couple other, but like, I remember specifically that one where they're like, "Call time, 7:00 AM." - The worst. - And you get there and you're like, "All right, it's 7:00 AM. What do I need to do?" And they're like, "Well, just hold on, hang tight."

And then it's, you know, it's 8 a.m. You're like, do I need to be somewhere? And they're like, nope. 9 a.m., 10 a.m., 11 a.m. Let's get you into, yeah, wardrobe. Oh, actually, you can change back. I mean, we're shooting my thing at like 2.30 and you're like, and then if you're like, why was I here? Well, you know, we just didn't know when we were going to shoot this thing. I've never had a different experience than that on any of these at all, ever.

I mean, I did. Well, the only one I was, that was pretty damn good with what we did, what we do in the shadows. Yeah. Yeah. Did that one. That was boom. I went in, they were waiting for me. Really? I was like, they were like, hurry up, hurry up. That's kind of great. Yeah. And then I ran in and we did like a bunch of scenes. I got killed. That's like her favorite show. Oh really? Yeah. Oh, no way. Oh, you should have said something. I would have mentioned it.

She always watches that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fun. And I got to be in a scene with all of them. They snapped my neck. It was a real, the live skunk in the scene. That was like the best experience ever. But when we shot the Impractical Jokers movie, I had to literally have a word with them because they were doing it to us on the movie. And it's your movie. Yeah, they were like picking me up at like 5, 15 a.m. And I was shooting my first scene at 3 o'clock. So how did that conversation go? I said, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. I'm here nine hours. Do you want the best from us or not? Like, 15.

figure it out yeah like if i mean i could see two hours did it change so yeah a little bit yeah a little bit but not so but i'm like you can't have me here for eight and a half hours sitting in a two by two box yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah but i mean it sounds like hurry up and wait and i am yeah hurry up and wait yeah um okay i want to ask you this food question yeah we're very well known for barbecue yeah i just had terry blacks this is great so hold on okay

I would say, and this would vary by who you ask, but the four notable barbecues in my mind are Texas Barbecue, Kansas City Barbecue, Memphis Barbecue, and Carolina Barbecue. And somebody might have a different opinion. I don't care. My question is, do you have a ranking for those four, or do you have your own ranking of whatever three or four that you like the most? For BBQ? Yeah.

You're going to think I'm nuts, but I don't love, I have to be in the mood for barbecue. That's fair. I have to be in the mood. So, I mean, I've had, did you say St. Louis? I didn't say St. Louis. I said Texas, KC, Memphis, Carolina.

I haven't had Carolina. Carolina, in my experience, was always kind of a more vinegar-based barbecue. KC's the rust, right? Memphis was more, again, I'm going off of what I've had, more dry rub. KC was more barbecue sauce-based, and ribs were really what stood out. Ribs, yeah. And I think Texas is really about...

That's really what they. Man, I had that brisket. I had it for the first time the other day because someone's like, you have to go. Because I've had, I guess, Franklin, is it? Yeah. Yeah. And someone's like, no, Terry Black's is the only. Terry Black's is the shit. Dude, I'm not even kidding. The brisket melted. Yeah. But they say that, but I didn't chew it. It's fantastic. I put it in my mouth and I just pressed down hard to put the inside of my. There's another one in town that I don't hear.

hear about enough from people that I think is fantastic. It's called La Barbecue. Okay. It's really fucking amazing. How often are you eating that? Not that often. Yeah. Probably like... I mean, I had Terry Black's last week, and the time before was probably a month or so prior. Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe once a month. Yeah, because I just don't know how people eat that much barbecue. Yeah, no, you can... I mean, you can overdo it. Because when I have it, I have it. Yeah. And then when I eat it like that, I'm just like...

It's so... Well, that's the thing is like there's a balance for brisket because you can go higher fat or you can try to get leaner. And I mean, I think the way to go is to get a mix of both. Personally, I actually... And everyone has a bias. I love Texas. I love that brisket. Yeah. That's my favorite. That's something. I love the Carolina stuff that I've had. Okay. And then...

I actually would go Memphis next for me. Yeah. Memphis, the rubs. Yeah. I mean, you know what I like about barbecue is like when I order food in general, I like to have a sampling. Yeah. Even when I'm at a restaurant or an menu, if I'm on the road getting room service. Yeah.

I'm not sure if their food's going to suck or what's going to be good or bad. So I'll order like three or four things. Yeah, that's a way to do it. And then just have a little bit of each. That's the way to do it. Yeah. And so with barbecue, it's like, I'm taking a scoop of potatoes out, a scoop of macaroni and cheese. I got that coleslaw in there. Don't forget those beans, though. I know. And you got a little brisket, a little ribs. And I'm just like, this is amazing. Cornbread. I went to all these places in KC because they are famous for it. Yeah. And none of them were for me like my...

Like, oh, I gotta have this again. - Again, yeah. - Not really. Which is probably blasphemous to them, but I'm just telling you. - You do that on the road? You order a little bit more in the room and stuff? They ask how many people are in. - When we go out to eat, I order crazy amounts of food. - Yeah, you just keep it coming. - Just like, 'cause again, it's like, I don't know if this is good. So bring this, this, and this. - Order from the table and just try it all, yeah. I was just telling someone about this, in the hotel rooms, I'll order a few things. They always say, how many people are eating?

I always say two because I'm just like, why would I say one? - Four. - Yeah, so then that person's coming up and I know that odds are that there's a chance they might know who I am, even I said two. So what I do to back it up 'cause they're coming in the room is I turn on the shower and I turn on the light and close the door and then when they come in I just go, "Babe!"

- Yeah, it's good. Try to shut the door between the bedroom and like the living room area. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just go, there's somebody in there right now. She's sleeping. - They'll be right now. - Keep it down. - Always do it, always, 100% of the time. - The shower is an extra. - And then they walk out. 'Cause sometimes if I'm not in a room that's like bigger than, I gotta go the extra length. - Well, sometimes you tell them, they're like, and how many people? And you're like, one, and then it's just quiet. And you wanna get all of this. - Crystal, I'm like,

Chris, me and Chris laugh because he goes to, when he gets fast food and stuff, he orders like right at the counter, like a ton of fast food. And he'll do this thing where he goes, like he'll be saying, I'll be like, what do they want? What do they want? What do they want? What did she say she wanted? Under his breath, I guess he's looking up at the thing. You know, I might as well get an extra one. The kids probably want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny, man. And he's just pigging out. Yeah.

He is so good with like exercise and doing and then and then it just goes full swing the other way Yeah, like he will like he'll one day I'll post up like Brendan Fraser in the whale and just eat like I mean eat like an amount the body can't break down Really? Yeah, and then he's he's how good good good good good and then all of a sudden he I mean stuff like you will be violently sick Really? Yeah, like a full cake

You know, like just stuff like that. Just, just gorgeous. Just gay trauma. It's his body being like, you're gay. Just say it. All right. What do I have for you? I wanted to show you if you, Oh yeah. Speaking of food, here we go.

Realistic, what I eat in a day as a 26 year old. I woke up super late around lunchtime, so I decided to have Cane's right when I woke up. I will never get over that first crispy drink of a Dr. Pepper. Okay, so I ordered the three finger combo. I'm very picky with fries, but Cane's fries is so good. Oh my gosh, and their chicken is...

There's no words. No words. A lot of people don't eat the bread, but the bread is also my favorite part. Okay, after Cane's, I went home and I relaxed a little bit. Okay, do not judge me, but as a snack, I had this leftover chocolate cake that I've had in the fridge. I had a couple bites of that. Then I ate a mozzarella. Mozzarella sticks just have my heart. Later on, I went out and I had a carne asada taco, a shrimp taco, beans, and rice. Oh my gosh, everything was so good. That's it, y'all. Bye. I don't know that that's it, but it's still...

People are doing this with like, here's what I eat in a day. All day long, this is what I ate all day long? Yeah, so she had chicken fingers, fries, chocolate cake, a cheese stick, a taco, a burrito, beans and rice. I mean, I guess it's not...

The craziest day, but it's still... Yeah, but it's like... And this gets views. Yeah. Yeah. And people who are really overweight are doing this a lot. Because... They just want to show this is what I eat in a day. So sometimes they're showing you... They're owning it. Sometimes they're going like, hey, I don't eat that crazy. Yeah. You know, I look overweight, but I don't eat that crazy. So they do that. And then sometimes they're just like...

- Yeah, I ate a lot of food. - She said a little bit of this leftover chocolate cake. - That was a big ass piece of cake, bro. - That was the size of a football. - It was like a quarter of the cake. And she said I had a few bites of it. As if we're supposed to believe that she sampled it and was like, that's enough. - It cut out mid-sentence there as well. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's insane. - Yeah, that's something that you-- - You like red lobster?

I haven't been in so, I mean, I remember of course going and everybody loves the, uh, the cheesy biscuits, the sea biscuits. But, um, I know they're closing tons of locations. I heard that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause we used to go like whenever we need one of the celebrities on there, we used to go to Red Lobster and we kept that tradition going for a really long time. Uh huh.

And then when we got the show, the guy at the network, the head of the network one time, he's like, "I'm gonna take you guys out to celebrate season two." - Where do you guys wanna go? - And we're like, "Well, we traditionally, we go to Red Lobster to celebrate." And he looked at us like we were insane. And he's like, "I'll take you to Per Se." Which is some fancy, smanty seafood place. And we're like, "Oh, we like Red Lobster." He's like, "I don't know."

- He's like, "You guys can go." - We went to the Red Lobster. - Did he go with you? - No, so we went to get to the Red Lobster in Times Square and they give you these, you know when you have to wait for the table, they give you a beeper? - Yeah. - So this was a red claw that glowed red, it was the beeper. We stole it and then we mailed it to him in a silk box and he opened it and it was the beeper and he's like, "All right, I'll take you." Then this guy gets a private room, we didn't even know they had them, at Red Lobster.

And we didn't like this guy. - This is the executive. - When we first got there. He's been long gone, but he ruled by fear. Everyone hated him. Everyone feared him and everything. And he was the type of guy that would threaten you to take the show away from you in a heartbeat. Like literally. He told us one time, we wanted a raise. He told us, "I'll poll the audience, "and whichever one of you that they don't like comes in last, "I'll fire that person. "You can absorb their salary."

That's cool. Yeah, he was a complete dick. So we got to Red Lobster and he wasn't there yet. So we told the waiter, we're like, when we go to order, I'm just going to order something normal. I said, bring 30 pounds of lobster. Just no matter what I say, please just bring as much food. If I tell you we want crab legs and I say a half a pound, bring five pounds. Lobster. If I say I want the one pound lobster, bring the three and a half pound lobster for everybody. Mm-hmm.

And I'm like, please just do it. And he's like, all right. And the guy did it. And then like at the end of the meal, it was like $750 at Red Lobster. He fucked this guy bad. Did he, was he like? He opened the thing. It was like a CVS receipt. And he did like a double take. And he was like, what the fuck? And then Murray had printed out a $5 off coupon. Like he had like a desk jet printed. And he's like, I have a $5. And he slid it in the guy's hand. Oh, fuck your coupon. Yeah.

He was like, and we'd like, yeah, we call it, we call it some 750 bucks at Red Lobster. Was there a, did he move on to other? He got fired and then he went to like, um, the oxygen or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He went and started hawking for Oprah. Fear based doing it is a crazy way to do it. He was terrible. Um, can you do a pushup? Yeah. Look at this guy. This is his first pushups. Yeah.

That's our former producer. Yeah. He's really getting into fitness now, but yeah, he couldn't really do a push-up. I'm not much better than that, to be honest. You see those guys that are doing like one-handed knuckle ones and like clapping. That's crazy. Or one-fingered. Yeah. I mean, you really like...

You became the picture of like, you're like a workout guy now. No, I try to work out. Post workouts and stuff. I try to work out. I have no form. I never will. I never, you know, I'm just, I'm very intimidated by the gym. Really? Yeah. I've tried all the like at home stuff.

Done karate at home. I heard this guy say this where I was like, oh, that's really interesting. Where I, I don't want to say the, I met this person who's a known person and I was like, Jesus, man, I didn't realize you were fucking jacked. Yeah. And he was like, he's like, no, I, I wasn't. Cause my whole life I was like, I'm not really a gym guy. And, and then he goes, and then one day I just told myself, oh, I am a gym guy. I work out all the time. He's like, I just started telling myself that.

And that's it. He's like, and now I just make it part of my routine. Yeah. He was like, it was all perspective for him. I thought it was very interesting. All right. Well, you know what? Yeah. You are. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a gym rat, as they say. So here I'm going to show you a few clips. And the fun of this is you tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious. Okay. You got it.

That was hilarious. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know if that guy was going to go like, hey, we're going to keep eating him. But yeah, just a chomp on the quad is fun. Something tells me that the clip keeps going. He's lucky that thing released. I don't know if it did.

I mean, he's off frame right now. Okay. You're making the assumption that he got out of there. We've wrestled Crocs on the show. I mean. It's pretty. Yeah, that's he takes. That's a big one, bro. Oh, it did. Oh, it's that one. Okay.

I thought it was another one that dragged him off. That's how fast that happened. I mean, the guy's in there, so he has the license to be in there. He's wearing the stupid shorts and hat, so he's supposed to know something. Yeah. For someone to be that careless and be taken... By the way, he seems so taken off guard. Yeah. He had one little stick. I think any of these guys that get in gator pits and croc pits are just out of their fucking minds. Yeah, what are you doing? I mean...

- Isn't it crazy that the croc hunter died from a stingray? - I know, of all the things. - And the level of expertise that guy had. I mean, it goes to show you right there. - That was also just the craziest timing ever because the stingray, its stinger went into his heart. - It's just a freakish accident. - It was a freak accident, yeah. I mean, people do crazy shit with animals. This guy, he's like, "Hey."

This is my guy. Give me my fucking hat back. Give me my hat.

Okay, I thought this guy was going to get mauled. No, I know. I know. Okay. I was waiting for him to get mauled, man. That was so anticlimactic. Because you said, is this horrible? I know. I switched out of it. I switched out of it. I was like, this guy's a goner. I know.

Yeah, you've seen these guys on the internet, that guy that lives with all of his lions. Yeah, lions. They're sitting on a sectional couch. All the Arab rich guys. Yeah. Yeah, they're just like, this is my leopard. I follow everyone because I am waiting for the video. I know. I'm just waiting for a live stream. There's that one we've played before where the guy has, he's at his, I don't know, his palace. Yeah. And he just releases a tiger into the pool and his friends are swimming in the pool. It's a fucking full grown tiger. And? They panic superbly.

So fucking hard. That's not right. And they jump out and fall and shit. Yeah, that's not right. Yeah, it's crazy. Because they don't know, the tiger doesn't know them like that. It's insane. These sheiks, man, they got to calm down. They got to chill out. They're getting too crazy with taking liberties at these barbecues that they have. All right, here's another one. Hold on. At first glance, taking this tomato down through these spinning fan blades may seem impossible, but I'm here to show you it's not. This must be done all in one motion.

Okay, guys, watch me go to work. Oh, God! Dang, I cut my ear. Hysterical. It's pretty good. Yeah, I mean, he could have died. You think so? Absolutely. How come? I feel like if the thing were going to hit him in the temple or something like that. You know what I mean? Like, just, I don't know.

I mean, but he, the intent was comedy, right? Yeah, I think so. Right, so he was, Steve, he knew he was gonna... He knew it was gonna hurt. I prefer the more organic ones, but still. Yeah, I would've liked him to believe what was just happening. It would've made it funnier. Oh, God. Look, look at this fucking guy. Oh, God. What is that, where's his other leg?

What did you think? Although, is this a porno? Look at these chicks. These are his nurses. Yeah, that's that's crazy. What island is this? Yeah, nobody wears those like nurse like like Burger King hats like that. This is that this definitely a foreign country. Wow, dude.

I've jumped off of a, what do you call it, cliff jumping or whatever? Was that cliff diving? I've done it. He jumped way too far, bro. There's no way you're supposed to just jump down. No freaking way, man. That's just like, I mean, you know, it's funny.

Yeah. Because he's, you know, I mean, is it funnier if he dies? No. No. No, it's terrible. Then it's just terrible. Yeah, it's terrible. Okay. I didn't know. I just wanted to see what your meaning was. I mean, he just hits the rock, boom, and they're like, he's dead. And you're like, well, yeah, this is funnier, I think. Oh, my God! Still not in reverse. Still. Back it up, bro. Oh, my God!

Just shattered. His legs are just like skin bags full of shards. He fucking just slammed it so hard. Oh, and he puts his knees up right before it. And the front end of that car is dented hard. I mean, he... Oh, my God, dude. It's sort of reminiscent of a great clip, isn't it? The greatest clip of all time, maybe? Oh, shit.

What?! What hit him in the face? It took the person that long to help him? That long. To back it up, even. Where is the per- That's the person?! Look at him. What does he check out? He checks out... Look. He's like... Why are they so nonchalant? He checks out the car, bro. He's like, "Is the car cool?" Fuck.

My stepmom once hit my boss at the deli with her car. She backed up over him. No shit. Look at this. Look. Car cool. Yo, that's wild. I don't understand what just happened. Why is he so... Just fucking...

Why was that guy standing there? Do you know the context behind this? I mean, I know it was in Taiwan and I know that, yeah, that's the driver. Did something hit him in the face? It looked like something. He was holding a clipboard and the clipboard went flying. Yeah. The clipboard hits him. I, I, I,

Oh, God, it feels good. Yeah. My friend once closed the car door on me, on my hand. Ooh. So it was, we were traveling on a road trip in a minivan. I got out the back and I was holding on to like getting out so that where the front door closes and the back, you know, comes forward and meets like right there. I was holding there and he slammed it closed and it's, and it closed.

So there's that weather stripping on it that gives you like a half inch of cushion. Yeah. So I guess my hands got like crushed in between that. And my hand was stuck in there and I just turned and I was like, oh! Like it was like such a loud pitch squeal. And I was like, oh!

And like they didn't know this extent of the pain so like giggled a little bit Yeah, and then like finally you open the door and like this like a line across my fingers And I just like fell to the ground like holding my broken. No, I didn't I didn't write was a bone bruised It was like my hand hurt for like six months. Yeah, like went purple and everything. Yeah, but they left and to this day They laugh about they still think it's funny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't have laughed. No, no, I've been hit by a car You hit by cars for

Playing frisbee with my dad. Running into the street? No, we were in a closed parking lot. Not another single item in that parking lot. Not another car, not another body. How did that happen? My dad threw the frisbee wide.

and then went over to the fence to talk to a friend of his that was passing by. It was at like a VW post, like one of those veterans hall things, so I used to play hockey when I was little. But at the time I was four, I was four years old. And I went to go get the Frisbee and a station wagon entered the parking lot. I'm telling you, so there's a parking lot, let's call the parking lot 125 feet by 200 feet. There was two bodies in there, mine and my father's, and not another single item in the parking lot that was fenced in.

So there wasn't another thing in there. So I thought this car, even then I remember this. I just remember like seeing the car coming at me and thinking like, well, clearly. What the fuck? There's no one else in there. And then I went to pick up the Frisbee and I dropped it. And I remember having the thought like, do I bend down to get it again? And that's the last thing I remember. And I woke up like my dad and his arms running.

- To the hospital. - And did he get a story from these people or any? - He tried to kill the guy. He was like punching, the guy wouldn't open the doors and he was like punching the doors to get him out. And then my dad's friend from behind the screen was like, "Your son?" Like my dad was like in a blind rage. And then he just picked me up and ran with me. - Into the hospital? - Into his car, to the hospital. - And then how hurt were you? - I was bruised. I didn't break anything.

I was bruised. Yeah. Sued. It turned out being a kid, a kid I know his grandfather. What? Yeah. From like grammar school. And I sued. It was like I was four. You guys sued him? Yeah. It wasn't, it was not, as far as lawsuits go, I graded like a D minus. Did he ever, did you get a story from him? Like the day? I don't remember. He's just like, I was, I didn't see him. I didn't see him. Five, I got five grand. You got $5,000. Yeah. It was like 1981 or something like that. It's pretty chill for a four year old. You're like. Yeah. I couldn't touch it till I was 18 though.

yeah would you spend that when i when i got out i was 12 5. dude what'd you do with that what didn't i do tom yeah yeah tons of fun dip just everything everything yeah yeah yeah i don't know what i do with it so many lobster red lobster visits yeah i truly don't even know what the hell i did with it i don't know jesus can i do you ever take um business calls or calls when you're on the toilet yeah do you and then you use mute yeah yeah

I just found out this one. I'm like, she goes, were you on the, she was walking by the bathroom in the house and she was like, were you on the toilet on a call? And I go, yeah. Did you not use mute? No, I do. Oh, okay, all right. And I go, yeah. So I just go, and then I hit mute. Yeah. And then they talk and then I unmute and I go, yeah, yeah. Like everybody does this, no? And she's like, yeah, I just pee on the call, no mute. I'm like, so you just piss on the call?

Like, everyone can hear you peeing, and she's like, I guess. She doesn't even know. She doesn't even know about... You mute it. She just fully pisses and flushes. Well, like, if you're on a Zoom, it'll highlight the box where the sound's coming from. Yeah. So if they hear, like, the piss stream, and it just hides... That's her just pissing. Just pissing away. You're out of your fucking mind. That's wild. It's wild to just piss like that. Yeah. I had a... Did you just remind me of something? What? No, I was like... I had this cat...

I filmed this short for, oh no, it was a TV pilot for Spike or something back in the day. And in this pilot, we were all, it's almost like a Gunnaway Sonny type of single camera thing with the guys and I. And the storyline all takes place in the hospital for the first episode. And in my storyline, I go to visit Q, who got smoke inhalation out of fire because of firemen, and I fall asleep in the bed next to him. And then there's a clipboard on it, and they come and they take me into surgery by accident. It's like one of those jobs. Yeah.

And I don't know how to explain this. It's stupid. But the surgery was for breast implant surgery. Yeah. And so I wake up at come to and I have like these huge tits because they like they took me and they did the procedure. Sure. And in the I don't know why, but in this surgery,

Somehow they're black tits. We don't really explain why. But I go to the front desk and I rip open my shirt. And I'm like, what the fuck? And there's two huge black tits hanging off my white body, which doesn't even make any sense. I'm like, how did this happen to me? I'm screaming at the lady. And she's like, name? And I'm like, name? I'm like, do you want to address this right now? And she's like, just calm down. I'm like, how would you like it if you had a... It was a black woman. I'm like, I have black tits. I'm like, how would you like it if you had a white dick? And she was like, it depends. Yeah.

But for the actual show, I had to go get to a special effects place. Sure. We had to buy the four and a half pound tits each. Jeez. And I had to go do a dry run where they shaved my chest and they taped them to me. And so I went to this woman's house. I don't know why this reminded me of this, but I think because piss was involved. Mm-hmm.

I go to this woman's house and like, I don't know her and she speaks broken English. I've never really met her before. And she's be hard her to be this special effects person. Yeah. So it's like a August day in New York city. She has no air condition. I go to her house in the East village, go to her house in the East village. She opens up. She's like speaking broken. She's like, come in, come in. I'm like, all right. And then it's dead silent in her house. It's about 500 degrees. And her husband is there.

And it's a really small apartment, like not much bigger than like a studio. And they have a two-person table that they're eating dinner at. And they're both in the middle of eating dinner. And he's sitting there. And it's like really quiet and uncomfortable. And I'm like, oh, hi. And he's like, hello, hello. And she goes, come over here. She lays me on the couch. She goes, lay back. And then so her husband is like 10 feet away eating dinner. And I just hear like the fork and knife clinking on the plate. You just hear him chewing. It's dead silent.

He's everyone in there. It's like it's like like how my grandpa grew up in Cuba everyone that like he's shirtless But he's still sweaty like you know like yeah, just it's just really hot in there Yeah, and she lays me back and she opens up my shirt on her little couch It's like it's a it was like a futon and she started shaving my chest and she's talking to her husband and like they're like talking about like something like serious and everything and she Shaves my chest and then she takes and she puts his glue on me and she makes me hold these two big black tips So I'm laying down with

Nine pounds of fake black tit on me my shirt is off. My chest is shaved I'm looking straight up in the air. It's about 110 degrees So they had to set the glue is to set so she goes and sits back down and they just start talking and having dinner Yeah, and they're just like again like it just like they can come here in the forks clanking and I'm pouring sweat I'm holding it holding these two black tits and then I hear like a wheezing and I go hey like and then I hear what sounds like piss and

And I turn and like two feet behind me in like a little cat is a cat and the cat is all like bandaged up and it's just laying there half dead, wheezing and just shooting piss out of itself. And I just turn away, oh my God. She's like, he will die tonight. - He will die tonight. - Yeah, he's like, he is dying tonight.

And I'm like, so now understand what's happening. I don't know this woman. It's 110 degrees. I'm pouring sweat. I'm holding up. My chest is shaved. I'm holding these black tits. This thing is wheezing and pissing right next to me. And they're just eating dinner in silence, like talking. I'm just like, this is the most surreal thing I've ever heard. And,

After a while, I was like, can I just, I was like, it's probably fine. You know, they'll do it. You know, if they don't stick, you know, I don't know, but like, we'll figure something out. You know, I just didn't want to stay there anymore. I felt really weird. I didn't want to see the cat die. The cat was pissing and she just come out and drop a paper towels on it. Yeah. On the floor. And then I'll never forget. She turned and she goes, you know, you couldn't go.

She said, if worse comes to shove, I put you in a bra. If worse comes to shove. That's literally what she said. She said, if worse comes to shove. I put you in a bra. Yeah. And this is like, from that day, like me and my friends, that was like, maybe it had to be, I guess, something like 17 years ago. Yeah. And I've said, if worse comes to shove, like I've taken that on. Yeah. If worse comes to shove is a great expression. But it was just pissing. How did it work on the actual shoot?

- They stayed on. - Nice. - Yeah, they stayed on. It hurt. - Really? - Yeah, we filmed like over three days and I was wearing these nine, like these nine pounds. - Big fake black tits. - Big fake black tits, yeah. - Yeah, that's awesome. - Even with the bra, it hurt. - Really? - Yeah. - Imagine walking around with those all the time. - Exactly, I have a new found respect. - Worst comes to shove. - Yeah, worst comes to shove for black women with large breasts.

But the P was like going up like slightly like it had an arch. And even that cat would have hit mute if it had a phone probably, you know? It would have the decency to do that. And I just was like, I heard piss and I was like, and I just turned. What is that? And then I just saw like, the cat was like that. I think like we just see like its chest going up and then back down. Oh God. Like wheezing. It was dying. It was dying in front of me. It was releasing, it was releasing its bowels and, and,

and everything right in front of me it's amazing one of the best nights of my life that's fantastic i found by the way i have i'm so excited sometimes we find these clips that get me so excited and i can't stop thinking about this uh this clip of manny so there's a there's a place that sells tools and they i guess they let you they let you buy tools on credit

And they have this guy and they're like, hey, what'd you just get? And it's just something's not right. Something's not right with his demeanor. He's like supposed to be doing, I guess, kind of promo for the tool place. But something's not right. Congratulations to Manny for the purchase of these new Snap-on wrenches. What kind of wrenches are those, Manny? The ratcheting wrenches and the front end...

Now show me the other side. Show how it works. Great purchase, Manny. I'm white-headed. Manny doesn't seem like he's doing well. I think he was either stroking out or something was happening. He was having a stroke. Something was not good. I don't even know if he wants those tools. Was he crying for help? It feels like it. He felt like a hostage who was having a stroke. He's like, fuck.

He didn't understand the tools, but then he also didn't understand motor function. No. No. Yeah, he looked very uncomfortable. It's all right, Manny. It's okay. I feel like there's a guy like just- Congratulations to Manny for the purchase of these new Snap-on wrenches. What kind of wrenches are those, Manny? The ratchet wrenches and the front end. Show me the other side. Show how it works. I want to do this. Great purchase, Manny.

I feel like the guy's video has a gun pointed at him. Fucking say this shit. Great purchase, Manny. Does Manny do more of these? Yeah. Oh, this is a series? Can you pull up another Manny video? Oh, my God. I laughed so fucking hard watching this. I was like, fucking Manny is definitely...

He seems so sweet. He does seem sweet. Right? Like, immediately he seems sweet, but he seems like... It seems like his debt is to do the video. Right, right. He's like, you're going to do these fucking videos, Manny. Right, like he got bailed out or something. Something happened. This is hanging over his head. Manny, for the purchase of this 3-8 inch snap-on electronic torque wrench. Manny, want to show us how that works? All right, so you turn it on with a button. Let's see the thing.

- Hold it like this, Manny. - All right, now let's hold on to it and see if you can put some torque on it. So, okay, you got it to 11, 11.3. Oh, man. - I'm weak. - All right, here, let me try it. You won't kill me. Here we go, ready? Oh, man, so is mine.

Guess Manny's stronger than me. I only get 10.4. Have a great day. Okay. Congratulations to Manny. I feel like Manny, like the threat of INS is looming or something. Something is pressing for Manny.

Because Manny keeps buying a lot of tools. He's meant to believe to be purchasing these? How do we work that? No. Wait, so what we're meant to believe here. The guy filming owns the place. And he's just like, hey, Manny just stopped in to get some more stuff. But it's a lot of high ticket items. Yeah. And he's like, Manny, what did you just get?

And Manny doesn't know how to use them or what they're for, but he just keeps purchasing them. Like expensive tools. Right, right. What's this one? It has a lot of 80 speeds. Feels good. Feels good. Two variable speeds right here. All right. And let's put it to the test. All right, let's see. I don't know. He's making Manny be a commercial actor. He's also high pressure. Careful, Manny. Manny doesn't know what he's getting into. All right, you got that, Manny. Is it secure? Yeah.

They gave him something to do it on. Oh, is that some sheet metal? Are you getting through there, Manny? Come on, buddy. Piece of cake. Piece of cake. Congratulations to Manny. Wow. He's in there all the time. What's he building? I don't know. What is he building, a wall, Manny? Would you call Manny to do any of this labor? I'd like to have lunch with Manny. I'd like to talk to Manny. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Manny's always stopping in and getting... See, those are all different... I guess it's the same guy and then Manny's a regular. There's Manny right there.

2.9 million. Here's some more Super Speedway tickets for your purchases today. Well, thank you, Jack. Cut out of that one, the one row up.

To the right there, see? Yeah. What's that? Congratulations to Manny for the purchase of this ProLink heavy-duty scanner. This thing does crazy stuff. It scans all the transmissions and heavy diesel engines. What happens is you get 10 free scans on each type of engine. Manny's being held captive. After that, you can buy a module. Manny, what modules did you buy? For Cummins, CATS, and...

Allison transmission. I think so. Yeah, Allison transmission. All right, so you get all these tickets to scan in. Thank you very much, Manny. On the way to Super Speedway. Have a great day. Congratulations to Manny for the purchase of these. He's like a child trapped in a middle-aged Mexican man's body or whatever. It does seem like that. And it also seems like the guy's like, this is what it does, okay? Yeah, right. And then he's like, okay. And then when he gets stuff, he's like... It feels like Manny's being hoodwinked or something. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, this is my favorite new series. That thing also costs $4,500. Yeah.

god damn now i don't mean to like i'm not trying to stereotype yeah but manny he doesn't like he doesn't look at the type of guy who'd be in there that with the lack of knowledge he's showing yeah he'd be in there that frequently dropping that much money on items that he may or may not need not even know how to use even yeah he's like uh yeah this is i think so i think he just dropped four thousand five hundred dollars on something that he doesn't exactly know what it does yeah it uh yeah it

This guy needs to be investigated, this other guy. This other guy. Fucking. Thanks, Jack. Okay, Jack. Can we call him and ask him? What's going on with Manny? What are you doing to Manny? I bet you that place already gets calls like that. Let Manny out of the back. Yeah. Free Manny. Free Manny. Free Manny. He's so scared. It seems like he's so scared. It does feel like he's doing things under duress. Yeah, it does. It really does. All right, here's one more. What's this?

This is one of my... You've got to be kidding. What? What? That's fully through a building. Is that the old I thought I was hitting the brake? Yeah, that is wild. In case you were wondering. That went through like five different stores. In case you were wondering. It's abroad. It is. Okay. All right.

Yeah, I wasn't wondering. I just assumed. Yeah. No. That's wild. I love that every single store had a camera hooked up. Yeah. That happened to me. I've seen a car two times where I worked, a car drove right through the wall. Seriously? Yeah, one time in a deli when I worked there. And then it went right through, went through one, two, three, got to the fourth aisle to coffee. Went right through. An old lady thought she was stepping. She looked back and then went forward. Went right through a glass window and through four aisles. I've had like a convenience store. Wow.

And then I worked at a bar and a van, a white van broke through and hit two of the tables that were sitting there. Just went flying. It was, that's all on camera too. Really? Yeah. I mean, people hurt a hole in a injured like hospital, but like not anything severe. Yeah. But they were like, like they saw it coming and I jumped up and then it hit through the wall, hit two booths and they just like kind of went flying. Jesus. There's a hole in the building for days and they just like kind of like taped it up and they just put like, we are open. I remember one time, this isn't the same thing. I was,

living with my cousin and we were in LA and I thought it sounded like a grenade went off like boom like the loudest explosion yeah it's like what was that and I walk outside and

and a car had hit his girlfriend's parked car. So his girlfriend was parked in front of our house, and it hit it at like, I don't know, 40, 50 miles an hour. It sounded like a gun had gone off, and that car was just completely totaled. - I demolished a car once delivering pizza. - Really? - Yeah, man, I looked down for a split second to just look at the address again. I'll never forget, I was going to 32 Reed Avenue. This was a college, I was playing hockey, I had long Eddie Vedder hair.

and I had all my hockey equipment in the trunk and I looked down and uh Let's look at that. So when I look back up, I guess I had veered I was probably going about 35 40 and when I looked up I was Less than 10 feet from a parked car and it was just like no stopping Yeah, and I hit this park car park car hopped the curb went through a wrought iron fence and was in someone's front yard I broke the head of my the windshield my head and

The trunk popped open. All my hockey equipment shot out all over the place. Yeah. It was a Friday. It was like the busy time too. And I like opened my eyes and I had all the glass from the, my hair was, it was covered in glass and baked ziti.

Oh, right. There was tons of big ZD glass. And I remember the other driver drove by. He was driving by. He was still close to the place. We had three drivers on Friday at the busy time. And he was like, oh my God, Sal. And I was like, just go get Pat. Pat was like the owner. And they just came. And the cops came, the ambulance, and the...

Turned out the guy who was that his car. It was like a park and ride for like the express bus Mm-hmm so like while the cops were there like across the street he got off the bus coming home from the city and stepped off the express bus and he just walked up and They were like sir, and he's like it's my car and then I just look he goes what the fuck? And I just was like I literally just I didn't know what I was still days. I just went oh

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. I told him I didn't mean it. I had like literally cheese hanging from my head and everything. Jesus Christ. I did, on my way to the airport, I was going to New York, living in LA, going to shoot live at Gotham. You remember live at Gotham? Yeah, yeah. And I'm on my way and it's rush hour traffic. And I had a, like a cough drop and I dropped it. And I reached down to get it. And we're in like, kind of like,

you know rush hour morning traffic yeah and i don't realize that i'm rolling and i it probably was only like i don't know maybe max 10 miles an hour but i hit that car it hit the car in front of it it hit the car in front of it and it hit the car no way but i got jarred and didn't realize that i was the cause so i put the car in park and walked to the back and i was like the and now you see the guy like what

And I look at the back of my car, and there's nothing. I'm like, you fucking. Oh, my God. It's all on you. It's all on me. It's all trickling back down to you. So the five cars pulled over. And I'm like, I have insurance. So I get everybody's information. And I'm like, I got to get to the airport. I got to go do stand-up on Comedy Central. I totally had whiplash, too. No shit. Yeah, yeah. And then fly there.

called the insurance and they told me that I basically maxed out because it was like, you know, $8,000 for this car, 5,000 for that. And I had enough insurance, but they were like, you, this is the most coverage you can have. Every penny. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. No. Oh my God, dude. Yeah.

One time I was working at that's remember I told you about the uh, my stepmom hit my boss with our car There was this thai family. I used to work at that same convenience store, right? It's a thai family. It was brother and sister that that owned it Yeah, and they were older though. They were like probably in their 50s 60s, whatever i'll never forget. Her name was anna. She was like maybe four foot Six she maybe weighed 65 pounds, but she was like a firecracker of a woman

And she was like hyper aware of anyone stealing from this is a 24 hour convenience store. Yeah. So she would mix it up with people like all the time. And they were like, they didn't, they were, they were like off. They didn't care. Like there was machetes under the register. Yeah. I mean like they just didn't fuck around. It was like, I was like, I look at like a police zapper. Yeah. Like on a pole and stuff. And, um,

One time she caught a guy, he stole two pints of Haagen-Dazs, and she caught him walking out. And she would get in people's faces, and she was nuts. And she would sit next to the register on a stool all night long, and she'd just be sitting there holding her stomach, going, oh, and she'd just spit in the garbage all night long. She was a sweetheart, but we were like, something's wrong with you. It turned out she had stomach cancer. She should just sit there for months, just be like, oh, and then...

She's gone now. But like she ran after this guy and he got in his car and she jumped on the hood. This is when you remember when antennas were like those metal antennas. Yeah, of course. Like she jumped on the hood, grabbed the antenna to stop his car. He peeled out backward. This is for two pints of Haagen-Dazs at the time. They were $4.99 a pint. This is Staten Island or where? Yeah.

He peels out backwards, then just hops, goes off, and is right up to a main road, and just peels out, goes off, and just hops and drives away. And she's on the hood. And we're just watching her. She's on the hood as this guy peels out and drives onto a main road as fast as he could possibly go. And we're like, let go!

go, Hannah, let go of the hood. And she's like, no. And she's just screaming. And he just peeled away and just drove off. We're like, what are we going to do? At some point she falls off. Yeah, she falls off at some point, but we didn't know when. And not super hurt. She fell off like less than a block and a half up at like a sharp turn. And it was like all like weeds and a wooded area. And she's just like, we found her in the woods.

Like we called the cops and just ran as far. Older Tyler. 60-something-year-old, like 80-pound Thai woman. Holy shit. They're built tough. Who had stomach cancer at the time. At the time. I mean, I've seen her take the machete out and swing it. Yeah, she was no shit. But she jumped on that car. You'd think that that's how she would have passed, but no. But no. Best pastry. My favorite pastry? Yeah.

We're not talking cake then. We're talking like proper pastry. Yeah, bakery stuff. Probably like a bear claw maybe. Really? Yeah, something like a lobster. What do they call those things? Like the lobster claw? Lobster claw. Yeah, like the cream-filled flaky...

I mean, an eclair is nice, but we're not talking cookie and I can't say Tres Leches cake, right? Right, no. I was thinking like croissants, you know. Yeah. Cinnamon roll, I guess, would fall under that. I've never had a cinnamon roll. Ever? No. Not a Cinnabon, I should say. Morning bun, no.

I've had like those Pillsbury things that you pop out. Yeah. Like little this big, but not like a cinnamon roll, like a cinnamon. Like a baked one, a fresh baked one. Yeah, like one like that. We have to get you one. Yeah, it sounds like it'll be delicious, but it sounds like it'll be a little bit overboard though. It is. You should. It doesn't appeal to me. It just looks like it's like kind of like. Well, I think eating one to yourself is insane. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, that's how I see people eat them. That's insane. You should cut it up into quarters.

How long are you here till? Till tomorrow only. I've been here all week, though. You have? Yeah. Did you play in town? Yeah. Where did you play? I did Creek last night. How was that? Tonight I'm doing Mothership. It was fun. It was good. Yeah, it was fun. I did a Lewis... Lewis had a show. It was like an offensive show, like a dirty show called The Depraved. It's so funny. These guys, all my friends, they always put me on these offensive shows, but my material's pretty like... Yeah. My most offensive stuff's not offensive. Yeah. So I had to get up there and like...

You used to dial it up? Horribly offensive joke. Yeah. I just wrote it on the way there. Oh good. Yeah. But it was like, like if, if it was being recorded and taken out of context, it'd be like, I got, I got, I got to get canceled. Great. Yeah. Those are the best shows. It's been fun. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Uh, if you missed it, um, you can, you can see Sal's new special terrified just released. Um,

not long ago yes on YouTube and you can also get tickets at salvocanocomedy.com to see the Everything's Fine tour of course season 11 is just about to begin yeah July 11th July 11th of Impractical Jokers yes sir amazing congrats on everything great to see you you too congrats on your wife and child as well thank you very much congrats on your inch thank you and getting back into the bedroom today and hopefully a couple more inches coming yes yeah alright see you guys next time bye

I'm gonna come I'm gonna get I'm gonna come I'm gonna get I'm gonna come I'm gonna get on your bum I'm gonna face you girl You better know I'm gonna rock your world I'm gonna come I'm gonna get I'm gonna come I'm gonna get I'm gonna come I'm gonna get

on your bump you better know i'm gonna rock your world