Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
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What's up, everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year, and I'll be bringing my come-together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah.

February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at TomSagura.com slash tour and I will see you there. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. We know you have a lot on your holiday to-do list.

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And here we go. Here you go. Here you go. Oh, my God. So good. Oh, my God.

Hell yeah. What a banger. What a banger. Rest in peace. So Chuck Woolery just died. And we got... For people that don't know, I mean, Chuck was one of the OG clips that we... Because there's an Australian burn. Yeah.

And it was a cream that... No, Australian Dream. Sorry, Australian Dream. Doesn't burn. Yeah. And isn't greasy. That's what he would say in the copy. And we would talk about it on the podcast and people would bombard him. Like, everybody... You'd go on Twitter and it was just...

pages of people being like, Chuck, is it greasy? And one day he responded. He put out a tweet and he was like, I guess it's my folksy Kentucky upbringing. And he was like, he didn't get that we were all being like, why do you say it like a fucking dope? Yeah.

It didn't greasy? It doesn't burn. It didn't greasy. And here's the interesting part is that Chuck Woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection. Yeah, we were back in two and two. Two and two for like a long time. So he was a professional broadcaster. Yeah. And my mother was smitten with him and in love with Chuck Woolery. I think a lot of women were.

He's a handsome guy. Yeah. And he was, you know, he was the kind of like the matchmaker, the male matchmaker. He was the matchmaker. And then people, this is before we would video the dates and people would come on the show and retell the events of the day. And then Chuck would be like, Tom, did you feel like you could give Christina a goodnight kiss? You know, I'd be like, well, I was a little nervous and...

I had a lot of garlic for dinner. That's so cute. It was so innocent. Give it up for Mike. Yeah! Where's the clip of him saying that a guy's an F-A-G? Where's that clip? Because it's unbelievable. You ever seen that one? No. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, this guy. And they type out the word. And his last name was F-A-G-O-T. Yeah.

Which always kills me that people don't just change their name. This is so crazy. I mean, unless he was goofing on Chuck, which he may have been. No, this is like a real thing.

I'll play the clip. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also like, you don't think that guy had heard that enough in his life? Then Chuck will be like, kind of an odd name. And he's like, yeah, I know.

Yeah, Richard Hitler. You didn't think to change your last name. This guy's parents. How do you not just petition to just go by something else? Well, it's so, listen, women do it all the time. When you get married, you go down to the Social Security office, you go to the DMV, you bring the license, you change your name. And you change your name. Yeah.

You can just do that. You can change your name to anything you want. You can, yeah. It's totally possible. It's so crazy. But yeah, God, Chuck Willery brought us so much joy for so long on your mom's house. Rest in peace. He was great. Yeah. He was great. He was sweet. And he was a hardcore MAGA guy. So he would have been, it's so sad. He really, really was. That's so weird. He would have been real happy. Yeah.

Maybe this was like, maybe he went out like with a huge smile on his face where he's like, the country's safe. That's why he felt like he could pass. Yeah, because on Twitter there for a while, he was getting real spicy. Yeah. I remember he was getting real. I just got an email this morning. I got invited to go to the inauguration. You did? Yeah. But it's a paid event.

you pay because you're basically funding the inauguration. It's a really cool offer. You mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign? It's so much money too. Can you imagine just going there to see some blowhard walk down the street and wave and you're like, I'll pay for this. Sure. I think just the sheer volume of people going and getting in and out of the area and what a disaster. Regardless of who's being inaugurated.

I agree. I'm saying. I wouldn't do it. I'm saying to pay to go to an inauguration would be sounds like such a nightmare. The only inauguration I would go to and pay for was is Will Blunderfeld. Oh, really? When he wins, I'll go. When he wins? He might run for Prez. He's Canadian. Oh, that's true. Prime Minister? Of Canada. Sure. Sure.

He could run. It's so funny that you didn't know this, but we actually have some new Will Blunderfield clips. You're kidding. I swear. He's my favorite. Yeah. Well, I think we should probably play the opening of this show. Oh, my God. We got so excited. God, today is just, I woke up this morning beyond excited about what's going to happen. There's a lot going on today. It's so good. It's real exciting. Oh, my God. All right. Here you go. Here's your opener. Ready? Here we go.

Here you go. I just wanna say, deadass, the reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing is my ass is gonna be doing community service for the state of Utah. Woo, I got a DUI, baby. Classic. Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house.

There you go. It's a classic. And there's a reason why he's going to be considered why this is a classic today. We'll get to it in a little bit. I think there's a lot to get into first. I'm overwhelmed with how much cool stuff is here. Me too. Can I tell you, I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have.

And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here. If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender neutral person in your life that loves lipstick. Could be a guy. Could be a guy. It's not just for women. It's not just for women. It's for cats. It's for pets. It's for whatever you want. The perfect four. These are all four of my favorites.

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Thank you. That's the whole point. I was so inspired by my trip though. Sultry, fucking dark German girl who's like, yeah, you lay on the ground and I'll squat over your face. Exactly. Okay. Exactly. And I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady. Yes. She's going to squat over your face. That is exciting.

You may notice if you're watching today's episode, there's a few new faces in the booth, and there's a reason for that. We let go of the other staff that was in there because they were exceptionally disrespectful on the last episode of this show. So we said bye-bye to them and hello to the new trio. You know, you don't think you're overreacting a little bit? I do not. I think I'm embracing the Christmas spirit. Tom, it was...

For those of you who don't know what he's referring to, it was the choke herd around the world. Here it is for those that don't know. Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrienne Appaloochee episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. Oh.

You guys are of course what? I just choked for a second. I can't choke. Hey, fuck you. It was just scary. On Netflix. Why is it scary? I got scared. I thought you were dying. Everyone's fired. We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned? I'm fine. I'm going to do a drawing for you choking on something. I already know how it's going to go in my head. There's repercussions.

Oh, yes, there are. What are you going to do? Well, there's no Christmas party anymore, and I'm not doing end-of-year bonuses, and I am taking back your gift. Now let's move on to the next segment. What made you choke? Netflix. I can't wait to see you choke. I hope it's bad. You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty. You're spicy. It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but I'm looking forward to meeting them. This is everyone's last show, so say your goodbye. Happy holidays. We'll see you soon.

There it is. There's the whole thing. And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in this team. This is unbelievable. Dude, I like these new faces so much more. I was so over the other ones. You don't think this is a little overreactive? No, I think it's perfect. I think everyone's got to understand things in life. Tom, let's go over the moment of the choke. Okay. What happened exactly? I mean, I feel like some saliva just kind of, you know,

It just kind of passed through as I was trying to speak. If I wasn't speaking, nobody would have noticed. So I was speaking and I just had a little... Do you think the saliva was because you had a roogie? Did you have a roogie in your mouth? I did have a roogie in my mouth. Yeah, I love roogies. Speaking of roogies, it's a great time. This is not a... It's not a plug. It's a life. I love my roogies.

It's not a plug. It's life. So dumb. Somebody gave me... I did the Dallas bar takeover for Porosos last week at the Tavern, which was the best experience I've ever had doing a bar takeover. Like, honestly, we all walked out of there like, oh man, if they're like this, just we could do them...

It was just the place was great. Somebody gave, they're like, I know you like Rogi's. They gave me a fresh can of Rogi's. Their thing is on there. Their handle. I can't read it though. At Cody something. Anyway, great gift. Great gift. Great gift. So let's get back to the choke. Yeah. So I had a Rogi in it. Everything's better already.

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I forget, were you reading something there? I was talking about Adrienne Appaloochee's new special. I was saying it's great. And I think I was reading a message from someone about it. And then I choked. And then you were like... No, I didn't... The level of disrespect from the booth was I could not ignore it. And so it was just time to... Time to chop their heads off. Off with their heads. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, because what struck, I think, the former staff and I was you didn't acknowledge the choke. And usually broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be, oh, excuse me. Pardon me. Yeah. Maybe I, oh, my goodness. And you decided. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Whoopsie, whoopsie daisy. I choked. OK.

Okay. You didn't acknowledge it. What was going on in your mind? I was just like, this is something that everybody understands who's ever spoken, that things like this happen sometimes. So I just thought everybody was like, yeah, I know what that is. I didn't. I thought you were having a seizure and I thought maybe you were going to collapse. And I was just happy that you were, yes, still talking. But the fact that it was the unacknowledgement.

Of the choke that people were really taken with. I thought it was, yeah, really funny. It's taken over the YMH world. I know, a lot of people have... The choke heard, I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate the choke. Just give me some time, I'm working on it. These things take hours for me to draw. You mean like this last one that you did? It takes days and hours and weeks. Yeah, there's my portrait. Clearly...

The thing that's supposed to be me that sold like hotcakes, your super disrespectful artwork. It looks a lot more like Mary Schaefer than it does me. Well, hold on. First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom. Thank you for supporting the arts. Here's the deal, man. This is what I thought. Cause Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him. He does. Hold on. Is it that the portrait looks like Ari or that you look like a Jew?

Have you thought about your Jewish features? I'm trying to think what else I can take away from you right now. Niana's laughing at the booth. Is she going to get fired too? I'm focused on you right now. You don't think that you have a Jewish... It is the nose. Everybody can see the nose is very... Oh, you just look at his profile just now. Look at that. It hangs over a lot. Okay. Is Josh Zolo still around? No, he's gone. We have a...

The point is. I thought we were doing away with all the shoes. It is Christmas time. Let's look at some features. That's great, guys. Yeah, I think that, okay. I mean, look at the young lady on the top. Yeah, there you go. What is the link there that says, see that second from the left down? Hook nose. Where it says, no, go one to the left. That says nose job numbers are shoot down. I wonder what is that about?

Nose jobs are no longer a thing among teenage Jewish girls. Graduation, presents, birthday, gifts, Hanukkah handouts. We don't want to know what you received in the second. For decades, nose jobs have been a common bequest in the Jewish community. Sure. Okay. Scroll down a little bit. Fueled by a struggling economy, cosmetic surgeries, nose jobs being no exception, are declining across the board. Wow. Wait, this is an old article though, right?

When was this printed? Yeah, 2012. That's very old. All right, never mind. I remember a girl in high school who was 14 and had a schnoz, like a real fucking beak. And she came in, I think it was after the summer break with the nose job and looked gorgeous. It's really crazy what it can do. No, I did not date her. There you go. That's Tom.

Yeah, there you go. Can you lift up the glasses a little bit so we can see your full mouth? Yeah, and the older you get, it's... Turn to the side, please, profile. Yeah, it's just getting more and more longer, elongated Jewish nature. I get... People believe... And the baldness. They'll believe if I'm Jewish. I think they also believe if I'm French. I've had that a lot. When I was in France, everybody thought I was French. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean allergies and you're very like, ugh, my celiac disease is like...

You can't eat certain things. It irritates your bowels. My bowels are bothering me. I hear that a lot from you, Ira. Okay. You're always talking about money. I'm always talking about money? Mm-hmm. Okay. What was I going to tell you? Now I've forgotten my train of thought. Yeah, French, kind of, sure. I think it's more your attitude, kind of arrogant like the French. I know you like their arrogance and such. This is a really fun episode. Keep going.

I'm going to make a portrait. Just give me time, people. Of a French Jewy smug money grubbing. Choking at the same time. Cool. Well, you know, you look great today. Your hair looks nice. Thanks. Can I put these back on? I can't see. Yeah, put them back on, Dad. Put your damn dad glasses on. There we go. Now, all right. Well, I think it looks more like Ari Schaefer than it does me.

God, that actually looks like a fucking exact portrait of him. Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schaefer. Not that the drawing looks like him. Do you guys think that too? Think carefully before you answer. Geez. No, never. Negative, sir. Are you happy now? You've terrorized the staff. I'm not trying to terrorize. You've terrorized them. I didn't do anything. Is this what you want as a celebrity? You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow to you?

Cowering in fear. Well, I'm not doing it, Segura. I'm not doing it. I don't care. You're going to fire me from your mom's house? Good luck. Good luck. I've got two million people ordering prints that support me here. Okay, good. You're still going to have a bad Christmas. You shut up. I've never felt more validated in my life. For what? So let's come back to you, though, Mr. Schroeder. So how much have you paid your gate agents for?

to enforce your carry-on bag policy, to pick people out of the line like the chairman's video showed. I mean, you guys do appreciate that flying on your airlines is a disaster, don't you? I'm slightly amazed by the general attitude of all of you here. Flying on your airlines is horrible. It's a terrible experience.

I mean, I say this as a father of three young children, but I can't tell you, nobody enjoys flying in your airlines. It's a disaster. You charge people fees that they know nothing about. You harass them to death. Yeah. Amen. Senator Hawley giving it to a couple CEOs about the carry on policy. And let me just say this.

I was right. And I'm always right. And that girl was a fucking. Fuck you too. Yeah. What was the story again? She told you to. This fucking bitch. Let me tell you something. I'm boarding a flight from JFK to Austin.

And I'm first in line. I'm first in line to board. Yeah. And this bitch goes, hey, you're going to have to check that bag. And I'm like, what are we flying on a fucking regional jet from New York? How big? What bag was it? Was it big? Was it a duffel? It's my daily. It's my roller that I take on every single trip. It's a classic sized carry-on. It's an overhead. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

And this fucking bitch goes, hey, you're going to have to check that back. And I go, really? What kind of aircraft are we flying on today? And they're like, oh. I'm like, is it a regional plane? Because sometimes you do fly the little puddle jumpers. The Barbie planes. Where you check everything. Yeah. I'm like, are we on one of those? Yeah. And they're like, oh, no. You're on like a 737 or something. I'm like, well, this is the same bag I flew here with. And I fly everywhere with this bag. No, it's too big. And I'm like, what? Mm-mm. So-

Anyway, I have another employee from the airline with me there. And I go, why is she doing this? And she goes, gate agents rule this area. We can't speak over them, basically. And I'm like, whatever she decides is a thing. And I'm just like, why are you doing this? She's like, it's too big. And I'm like, it's not too big. Anyway, you just give it up, which is what I did. You just go, okay. Oh, that's terrible. Hold on, hold on. So then I get on the plane. I get on the plane. And I look around.

and i'm like this is a standard overhead thing so i ask again i go why did they take the bag right now they're just like she just decided to but this informs you as to why no no this informs you as to why it's because the airlines are paying gate agents to confiscate bags so they're giving them incentives they're doing it to make money

So the fucking, that I, so then I went, I went on Twitter and I sat there

And I just wrote, what a fucking bitch, you know, fucking whatever. And everyone's like, oh, you threw a tantrum. It's like, it's not really, I didn't verbally accost anybody. I didn't physically assault anybody, although it would have been a pleasure. I just wrote a couple of tweets. People like, oh, you lost your mind. I'm like, I didn't lose my mind. The point is I was fucking right. She was just selectively taking a bag to make a few extra bucks. Okay. Yeah.

And your attitude here today seems to be, well, devil may care. There's nothing we can do about it. Well, I think we are going to do something about it. So how much have you paid people to pull out customers who are in line with a bag that's two centimeters too big, Mr. Schroeder? Well, we recognize this is a hard job, and so therefore we incentivize them to do that. How much? It's $10 per bag. Wow. $10 per bag. And I think...

Mr. Klein, you and Mr. Schroeder, your airlines cumulatively have spent $26 million paying gate agents between 2022 and 2023 to catch passengers whose bags are a little bit too big. $26 million. I mean, if people want to know why it's such a terrible experience to fly, this is news for them today. Your airlines are paying millions of dollars to your employees to harass people who've already paid. They're there in line because they've already paid.

So I'm just saying, this is exactly what happened to me. And I just want to say it again. I was right. And you're still a fucking. Wow. Vindicated. And may I say something else, Tom? I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking. Look at my nose. And I'm sure the staff appreciates it too.

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Order max $10 off orders or $15 or more. Offer ends December 26, 2024. One promo per order. Not valid for orders containing alcohol. Terms apply. No, that is sinister. I had no idea. I had no idea. I know. I didn't know. And I always hate that too where they're like,

I'm going to check the thing and every day you're going to have to check it in. It's like, dude, why? But the whole point, the thing is that people are like, oh, some people get their bag. It's like, yeah, it shouldn't have been taken though. It wasn't oversized. No. And also you're like the first guy on. Yeah. I was like, shouldn't you see if someone else's bag doesn't fit later on? Later on. Because you, it stands to reason that you would have enough space to put it. It's insane. Even if it is bigger or whatever, but it wasn't.

That is so, and those two airlines, by the way, that Senator Hawley is. Oh my God. Hands down the worst airlines. Yeah, yeah. And I think you guys can, we're not going to say their names, but you can intuitively guess. Oh yeah, you can figure it out. You can figure it out. It's so weird how shitty they can be. I know. It's like, that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most, you know what I mean? Like they should be. I know. That's terrible. And this whole thing just works people up to like.

this whole world of like... It's an abuse of power. It is. And it's just... Now it's to...

you know, fill somebody else's pockets up. And then the holidays are here and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma. And they're going to stick it to you. Yeah. Could you imagine? They'll stick it to you. You're flying with kids and they're going to fucking take away your carry-on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag. Yeah. And then they just cancel your flights and they're like, well, guess you're fucked. You're spending the night in Detroit or whatever. That was the worst part of touring for the last 20 years. I know.

You would just get stuck in cities. I would get stuck in airports just overnight. Guess you're sleeping in Hartford. Crazy. What? What? That's it? You're not going to... They wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight. Remember that shit? Totally. God. They're just such... How was that one time that we got...

worst. We got derailed. Hey, we're not flying. I was at the gate with all like 100 people and they're like, yeah, they're canceling the flight so tomorrow. Someone's like, where are you putting us up? They're like, oh, we're not doing that. This group of people

got closer to the gate and they're like, no, no, no, we are going to put you up. Yeah, they got the money. I watched them switch. They were just like, here's your vouchers. Here you go. Oh, they have the money to put you up. Of course they do. Don't you worry about it. By the way, guys, if I were you and you're, I mean, always look up, there's a lot of accounts on TikTok and places to find out hacks. Like if they cancel your flight, you're entitled to whatever voucher. There's always a way. Just look at these fuckers. They're ripping you off. It's

It's just so, it's egregious. Well, let's change the mood a little bit. I know, I'm so upset. I fucking hate the universe. Let's have a little fun now. Okay, okay. Hi, this is Frankie Valli. Sorry we missed you last time, but we're coming back on September the 5th to the Cobb Center. So get your friends together and come by, and we'll really have a great time. There you go. Happy holidays.

Hold on. Come see Frankie again. We're having a good time. He can't even get out the water. So sad. So we've been playing these videos because they just don't make any sense to us. We're all baffled by them. What are you doing? It's so strange. He's 90. He's 90 years old. Poor baby. And so finally we got an email about it. Happy to share it with you guys.

Hey, Tim and Tina, I work in audio production at a theater in Canada where Frankie Valli performed a few months ago. Just want to say it was one of the biggest bummer shows I've ever seen. I have no idea as to why they're dragging that half cadaver on stage, but I can tell you about some of the technical fuckery from a tech perspective. First of all, he is obviously singing to tracks recorded in the 70s by our guests, as are the backup singers.

Frankie also has a switch, has a mic with a switch that he can turn on between songs to talk to the audience. But once the song is on, he switches the mic off.

and does the, what is it, Nosferudu thing? Nosferatu. Nosferatu thing. A real goth would have known that. Got it. He seemed like a nice old man, but the whole crew was really sad that day. Where are the bodies? They're on stage. Hope this doesn't scare you, Dan. Well, thanks, Dan. I mean, I think, too, isn't it kind of, I mean, it's kind of duplicitous, too, for an audience. You think you're paying to watch Frankie Valli sing live, and then he's singing to the tracks.

Okay, fine. That's the gig. Wouldn't you want to put up the audio maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago? Do you know what I mean? Like a recording live, not the actual 70s recording. Do you see what I'm saying? Like put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally that he could. Well, who's going to this show though? If he's 90, his fans have to be.

Yeah, exactly. Jesus Christ. They're probably just like, that was crazy good. They don't know what's going on. You think they're just checked out? Yeah, of course. They're all vampires like him. It's not somebody like in their 30s. Can you believe at 90, God bless him, he can still get out there? Yeah. 90, how does he even get to these gigs? He's flying.

Tom, is he flying? Do you think he can afford to fly private? No, because that's why he's doing these gigs is to make money. I don't think so. Why at 90? What do you think is going on? I mean... Is it a legacy thing? Is he like, I'm going out? There's only really two good explanations. One would be that he's like, well, if I stop doing this, like a lot of people, you know how they go, like the guy retires and then he dies? Yes. It's like you have to have something to keep working towards. Yes. The other one is that there is an actual need

For money. Money. I mean, that's the only other explanation. But his success happened at a time when people made residuals, yeah? He's got so many hits, right? I would think so, but there's always that lifestyle thing. Okay, how about this? How many ex-wives does he have? Let's look at the life. Is there multiple kids? Is families on the payroll? That's always a very logical explanation for it. Also, people that are high-level earners.

Oh, I'm seeing multiple marriages already. Oh, there we go. Four times. Oh, Frankie Valli's family from his son with a restraining order. Okay. So there's some drama. Two children with the first, none with the second, three with the third, the fourth, let's see, eight. Yeah. Okay. So he has six children. Six children is a lot of kids. Tom, how are we going to, how are you going to ruin your life?

I don't know. Famous and successful and rich and stuff. Like, are we going to, are you going to do multiple marriages? Are you going to start a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island? Like what kind of mayhem are you going to get? I feel like trafficking things sure sounds fun. You know, it would be crazy. I was thinking about a couple of things that would be like a fun thing.

I think I have to level up a few more times before I can do this. Sure. One would be to hunt endangered species. Like, you know what I mean? When they go, there's 11 of these birds left. And then I go, well, now there's 10. One of those. That seems really cool. Does that really exist? That people are like, I'm going to go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that there's one left. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a whole lot. It's all about money, right? It looks like you can just pay. You can hunt an Arabian onyx for 10 grand. Why? Yeah. So you think you're going to get into hunting endangered species? The cost to hunt an African bongo antelope is $35,000. But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy. The joy of being like, there's one less.

This world only had a few. Now there's one less because of meat. That sounds like a real... But I'll tell you what I think... You're making your mark. What the highest level thing is. Sure. And I think you really have to have...

well into nine figures, maybe 10 figures to do this, is you go to a war-torn, just really depressed place, someplace where it's just apocalypse now, here currently in 2024, soon to be 2025, and you pay someone to hunt people. I bet that is probably something you can do where you just go, oh, I'm...

I'm God. You're top of the heap. Now, hold on. Yes. And as they say in the improv world, I'm going to yes. And yeah, yeah. I feel like doing it in a war torn country is too easy. Like we could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle and boom, you're in the war. Too easy. Okay.

You can hunt and kill first world people. Like New York City. They take you into New York City and you can stab a tourist. Like the CEO that just got assassinated. Look at this. Russian luxury offer pirate hunting cruises. That sounds so Russian. For sure. Wealthy pay, what is it? $5,800 per day. That's it? That's nothing. To patrol the most dangerous waters in the world hoping to be attacked by raiders.

When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns, and rocket launchers. That's so cool. That's fucking badass, dude. What a relaxing vacay. That is so fucking cool. Yeah. Oh, the yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia. Yeah. From Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya. Perfect. The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five knots in an attempt to attract entrance of pirates. Yeah. Yeah.

Holy shits. At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages. These people are just paying to commit murder. That's fucking awesome. And I'll tell you what, that is so Russian. Yeah, so Russian. That is so fucking Russian. And I think it's really cool. Well, I do like that somebody is capitalizing on what pieces of shit these wealthy people can be. It's really cool. I still hope it...

that luxury ocean liners in Russia that is fucking incredible could you imagine $5,800 a day that's reasonable man yeah you could totally do that that's not that crazy it's not that crazy but is this in rubles or whatever no that's just dollars pounds US dollars there so $6,000 a day yeah

To get hunted by Somali. I fucking hope we get attacked today and I'm going to fire a rocket launcher into a ship with an 18 year old Somali kid. Right. Just some poor, like desperate person. I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to feed my family. Dude. And then I did and they fucking blew up. It was amazing.

Yeah, that would be really cool. You know, and people, oh, my Jesus, who we've seen. Yes, of course. He made a, I think it's a perfect transition from that conversation, a collection of me as famous killers. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. So there he did. He made me as Ted Kaczynski right there. That's really good. It's really good. There's another one.

Pretty cool. Oh, my God. Lots of Ted. May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile. Thank you very much. They really helped blend in. Thank you. Yeah. Who's this fellow? That's Larry Hall. Oh. I don't want to know what he did, actually. What am I doing?

There we go, Charlie. Charlie Manson. Yeah, that one's good. Yeah. Well, he really did a good job. The swastika, he really burned in there. Nice. Yeah. Oh. Ed Kemper. Okay. I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat. I don't even know these guys. Look at that. Wow. That's good. Yeah. That is pretty cool, man. Yeah, I kind of like you more as Dahmer. You're cute as a bird. Yeah. Very cute. There we are. Green River Killer. That one's awesome. That is cool.

Wow. Bundy. There you go. Fresh-shaven. That's a younger Tom. I was just there. I was just in Tallahassee. That's where he was a big-time goofball, and he went into the...

yo here's a rich guy thing you can get into is doing pilgrimages to where like serial killer stuff happened so we were talking to the cops in Tallahassee and we're like hey uh you know the Bundy he's like yeah you know that guy and we're like so is that house the Omega Chi house he's like it's still there and

And it's like I was like, does it ever, you know, he's like, well, every once in a while we'll get a call that some fucking weird guy is just like, can I take pictures and like walk around? Yeah. And we have to go like take that guy out of there. But he's like, yeah, it's still. But that's another rich guy lane. Like, for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor.

When he recorded an album, he requested to record it in the Charles Manson Sharon Tate murder house on Cielo Drive. Very cool. Yeah. So you can do cool things like that. You know who does cool stuff like that all the time? It's Yoshi. He always goes to like. You don't have to be wealthy. Every location where something horrible has happened. He's like, hi, I'm here. People die here. Hello. Just want to chime in. Yeah. Yeah.

Son of Sam. Your hairline's pretty cool there. That is pretty cool. He really nailed these Photoshop spins. Dude, he's really talented. John Wayne Gacy. Oh, yeah. Look at the smile. You got your grin. Pretty crazy to smile on an arrest like that, you know? But can I tell you, why not? You're already going down. You're done. I know. You may as well do a goofy mugshot photo if you're going to go down. Who cares?

Oh, my God. Look how sweet you are there. Who's that? Rodney Alcala. Yeah. Yeah. You look cute there. Sweet. And there's Dahmer again. Yeah. He really likes you as Dahmer. He did you twice as Dahmer. But three times as Kaczynski. Oh, that's true. Yeah. You match that. Pretty cool. Good work. Oh, my Jesus. Good thing. Good use of talent, huh? Good use of, yeah.

I know you'll like something like this. This is the old name prank thing. Oh, I love this. She said that you can call for my brother real quick? Yeah. Okay, perfect. Is it Mike? Yeah. What's his last name? Hoochie. Hoochie? Yeah. Attention customers, can I please have Mike Hoochie to the service desk, please? Can I please have Mike Hoochie to the service desk? Mike. Mike. Hoochie.

His name's Dylan. He goes by Dil though, you can just say Dil. Dil Doe. Rub-a-Dee. Rub-a-Dee? Yeah. Last name's Snuts. Rub-a-Dee's Snuts, can you meet your party at the city hall? Rub-a-Dee's Snuts, can you meet your party at the city hall?

Oh, it's just good, clean fun. Yeah, it's good fun. There's two things I'm really into right now. The diarrhea videos and like these silly call out name ones. The diarrhea videos? Yeah. Yeah. I always like diarrhea. I like caca. That guy who does like diarrhea tests? Yeah, where he's like. Look. People always tag Christina P and Tom Segura from your mom's house podcast. No fucking way. The truth is Tom Segura used to fill my holes with the black guys in the truck stop before he was famous.

More like your mom's house prolapse. What? Is this true, Tom? This is true. This is true. I didn't want this to come out today, but it's Christmas season. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean, get to the point, you know? Yeah. Oh, well, I guess we'll never know. Apparently, IG took down his diarrhea test. No! Because I was hoping to get a Thanksgiving one. Thankfully, we've saved quite a few of them. Okay.

Thankfully. Thankfully, yeah. Diarrhea test. Yeah, come on, man. Don't start doing what you're good at. Also, you know our buddy Will Blunderfeld? Of course I know Will Blunderfeld.

Speaking of butts and everything, some of the team here, the research team, was able to find videos of his that were on another channel before he started doing all these learning and informational posts. No way. Yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool. I like to see his early work. What's up, yogis? So the butt, the anus particularly, is considered very dirty and faggoty in our society.

I wasn't expecting that. Yeah. Don't stretch it so hard, Will. Yikes!

And as a, can you please stop covering your face? She says, anytime you do any sort of anal play, if using a butt plug or a dildo, you should squeeze and release. Wow. I'm with Niana here. I don't know what it is. I'm not. Yeah. The lustfulness out of it. The lust is gone. Out of the anal area. Isn't that cool? Now, so we have the anal opening and then an inch and a half,

Sorry, five centimeters in the inner wall is the walnut gland prostate. The external pressure point for the prostate is right here. So not here, not here, but right before they get it out of the car. And it feels a little bit like you have to piss and a little bit like you're having an orgasm. I invite you to just play with your anus.

Especially if you identify as a heterosexual male. I don't know. I feel the same way right now. Look, I love Will. I love you, Will. I'll tell you what I don't like, Tom. What is hard for me to watch, I should say. I love him. I love his anus. I love his body. I think he's fantastic. He's just a little...

It's a little forceful how he opens his anus with his fingers. You know, just be tender, sweetie. Be tender. You'll get there. You'll get there. You just got to kind of... Yeah, just be tender with yourself. You're thinking kind of like a person who's still... Dirty and faggoty. But if you kind of relax and do it, it'll be fine. Okay? Yeah.

And his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man, you know? And I feel for his anus because it's a little too grabby. You don't like your anus. I don't consider my anus a sexual...

For me, it's just caca. Caca comes out. I'm not into putting stuff in there, no. Well, this is a good transition for you because this is also something I've been so excited to share so many things with you today. Here is one of them. You can take it. It's a happy Thanksgiving. Yes. Today I'm going to demonstrate my Pinot Noir on ice, my red wine. Pinot Noir on ice. It's a special dish that I cook every Thanksgiving. Italian Buccelloni. It's an Italian dish my grandmother started.

about 80 years ago. So I'm sure you haven't drank the wine with it. Here's your Italian food. Okay. Delicious. Mm-hmm. Do that and then put some... I love him so much. Yeah, it's so good. It helps some of the grease go down. Yeah, dude. Good audio, too. For a video. Yeah, you might want to go outdoors where maybe it's quieter like that.

Maybe go to like a football game next time and record it in the stands. There you go. Happy Thanksgiving. He's great. So he's absolutely my favorite. Yeah. I do like that he puts ice in red wine. Look, you're Floridian. He's an outlier. Oh, he's definitely. He's a creator, an inventor. But your Floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine. Yes. Why not put it in the red wine?

Hey, do what you want. Why not? Whatever you like. What rule is that? There's no rules. Yeah, you can do whatever the heck you want. I really like that. You can drink what you want. You can also make a salmon milkshake if you want. Of course. Yeah.

You know what I love? Which is so true because it's such a subtle distinction when he's like, you feel the grease going down your throat. And you're like, yeah, that's the joy of eating a processed meat is the grease runs down your throat. You know, I never thought of it. It's so good. He's right. He's right. So now is the most exciting part of this show is we played an opening clip, a legendary guy here. Oh, my God.

I'm sweating. I'm so excited. Why is it here? Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah.

Tony John. He's got Ennies fired. You know, 19 virus. He's got Ennies gone. He does such a great impression of Tony John. He does. We'll have to reach out to him sometime. So, and through the years, you know, we learned about him getting a DUI. Take your Ubers, you know. And then things kind of took a turn. You know, things got kind of crazier with Tony John. You know what's been bugging me lately?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. *laughs*

And I don't know. Then it just like, we would, you know, we would hear from her from time to time. It was like fun and playful and DUIs and fucking neighbors. And then it was like, fuck me in the ass. Fuck you.

Come on, fuck me in the ass, motherfucker. It got kind of different, you know? Yeah. And then, you know, I don't know. It's just... And it's super crazy. You know, I've been going through a lot lately. You know, I've been going through a lot of shit. You know, no fucking friends. The government's fucking trying to fuck me over and I'm pissed off. And then it kind of got to that place and we were like, ah, shit. And then we just kind of didn't hear from him for a long time. Years.

And then we saw posts where it was like, oh, he was like, I'm in a much better place now. Right? He posted that like he had reconnected with some family and he was working a job. We're like, oh, that's great. And then we come in and the staff tells us that we're actually going to get to chat with him. I cannot. Hold on. Before we even get into it, Tom. Yes. Yes. This might be.

Like, one of the greatest moments in YMH history. It's pretty great. I would say this could be as monumental as the time we called Robert Paul Champagne. It's pretty cool. It is pretty cool. I mean, I've loved Tony Johns for years. Admired him, laughed with him, enjoyed his work. And now we're going to speak with him? We're going to chat with him. Yeah. I'm super curious. Oh, my gosh. Okay, can I pee first? Because I'm, like, so excited. Yeah, sure. Okay, I'm going to pee first.

And we are back. Oh my God. You went peachy. I did. I'm just so nervous. And now we're going to call Tony Johns. Here we go. How come cool guys can't just answer their phones? It's so funny. Cool guys don't know how phones work.

Well, what's going on? Yo, Tony, what's up, man? What's going on, partner? What's going on, dude? How are you? Good, man. How you been? We're doing well, man. We were just, you know, reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now. So I'm Tom. Of course, this is Christina. Hi, Tony. Hi, Tony.

Hey, what's going on, you guys? Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited to speak with you. Yeah, this is a real treat, man. So let's, if you don't mind, like, where are you now? Like, where are you living now? Upstate New York, man. Upstate New York. And how are you liking it? To be honest, I like it, man. You know, I've met a lot of really, you know, a lot of very, you know, nice people, guys.

I'm out here, so I like it, man. That's good. I do miss, you know, Tom, to be honest, man, like I do miss out west too. Yeah. I really do. But New York's my home now, so. Well, yeah, I mean, you were the sexiest Italian guy in Utah, so you have to take that, leave that, but now you're the guy in upstate New York.

Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm, uh, you know, I'm trying to, trying to, you know, I don't know, trying my best just to, you know, stay focused and work in. And that's great. I, uh, yeah, man, I, I've been a Lowe's now for like three years. So, oh man, I, I like it. Um, so that's great. So you've met some good people. It looks, it sounds like you have some stability, right? With the, with life and with the job.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I got my own place now. Great. Just kind of taking it day by day, man. I have a question for you, Tony. In a video, you said that you reunited with your... You said you found your maternal... Your mother? Yeah.

What video was that? Oh, okay. I thought there was a video where you said you reunited with your family or with your mother. Oh, yeah. So I'm adopted. I moved out here in New York to be closer with my biological family. Right. So you did get to reconnect? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. That's great. Wow. So I but yeah, no, it's I love it out here. You know, I really do. I all my family's out here now. And yeah, I mean, things are going real good, Tom. I haven't had a drink in geez, man, ever since I was 23. Wow. My parents that adopted me out west, they ended up passing away. So I just packed up a couple of suitcases and

um moved out west or out uh out east so yeah the whole the whole story's kind of wild um but i'm i'm doing a lot better now you guys that's great that's great can i ask tony what prompted this complete change in your life it's kind of it's kind of sad story but it's also a good story my uh

My mom that adopted me out West, um, was very, very sick. And, um, she, she wanted, she, she always wanted the best for me. She wanted me to change. She wanted me to, you know, stop partying, stop drinking, just because she knew I was, to be honest, you guys, she, she knew I was a very, very nice man, a very genuine person. I just, you know, I like to party. I like to, you know, have a good time. Um,

But that was one of the wishes that she wanted me to pursue, to stop drinking, stop partying. Party sober. You don't need a drink to have a good time, which I totally agree. Sure. That's awesome, Tony. Yeah, I've been...

Yeah, you know, like I'll go out and stuff, but like I won't. I won't drink, if that makes sense. No, that does. I mean, people can go out and have a good time without having a drink for sure. Back in the day, like when we were first finding, you know, you were telling people to take your Ubers and all that shit. You were really tying one on, right? Like what was a Tony John's party day like in the drinking time?

Um, I, I just, to be honest, man, I, I partied by myself a lot of the times. Um, I, you know, like, I don't know, man, it was, I don't know. Yeah. So, but you were, you were like a, were you a beer guy or were you like a cocktail guy? You're a beer guy. No, I, uh, Bud Lights and a whiskey, man. I'm big, big, uh, Bud Light and whiskey guy. Got you. Okay. And that, and that's, that's when you got a DUI baby. Yeah. You got it.

Yep, yep. So I, but you know, I mean, and you know, I, to be honest, Tom, like I was, I was young, man. You know, I was 21, 22 back then. I was young and dumb, you know, you know. No, we were all there. I know. Yeah, man. No, I totally, you know what, I totally agree, Tom. Like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life and it's just moving on from those mistakes, you know. Wow.

Oh, I have a question, Tony. We know that you've been a ladies' man your whole life. Is there a potential future Mrs. Johns? To be honest, yes. What? Tell us about her. So...

Nice.

Yeah, she's my age. She's 27. I'm 28. So but she's, you know, she's around my age. But she's a very, very genuine, very kind, loving. She's she's amazing. Like, I really, really do probably see a future down the road with this girl. Wow. So ladies man is just going to become a one lady man. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay. All right.

Well, these are all great updates. You sound much more grounded and much more happy and together with everything that you've found in your life, with the job and the family and this girl. This is all great news, man. Thanks, Tom. I appreciate you, man. Well, I hope you continue to pursue and embrace your sobriety and just surround yourself with good people.

Thanks, man. And yeah, this girl, man, I mean, I've been on a couple of dates now and things are going really well. Nice, Tony. I don't know, you guys. It's kind of love at first sight, you know, so it's kind of nice. Well, let me tell you something, Tony. Everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you. We are thrilled that you have your life in such great...

and we're all rooting for you. And will you please let us know if you do get married? Yes, ma'am, I will. Yes, you got it. You got to keep us updated. Can you give us a Tony John woo on your way out of here? Oh, yeah. Woo. Come on, woo. Woo. We are out of here. Hey, you guys, have a good night. Hey, you too, bro. I love you, Tony John. All right, thanks, you guys. Thanks, buddy. Bye-bye. Bye. Hey. What?

Dude, that is, look, in the history of YMH cool guys, we have yet to have one completely turn his life around. I mean, that is a really remarkable call.

You normally don't ever leave the club once you're in. You never. You don't make it out alive. That's for sure. And I, it's also remarkable how young this guy is. I had no idea he was so young. There's no way to really, you know. No, you can't tell. I think we should really salute this guy. I mean, seriously. Like he's turned his life around.

I'm, I am deeply actually moved by Tony's story. I mean, he really turned his shit around. We didn't think this guy was going to last. First of all, it also shows you a cool guy has to leave his physical location. He moved thousands of miles from, from like where cool shit was happening. Yes. He embraced sobriety, which was very necessary for him. And, uh,

surrounded himself with family people who love you and care about you got a job that is stable and he's going to that so it's all the things that you think that somebody could in this situation would be incapable of doing and he did it he did it it's very impressive now but however in true cool guy fashion yeah crummy audio

Yeah, the audio will never change. You always have to have bad audio. The camera angles and the audio, it's like your DNA. You just can't shake it. You can't shake it. You can't shake it. You can take the cool guy out of the club, but you can't take the club out of the club. No, you can't take the coolness out of the fucking recording quality. Never. But I am genuinely thrilled for him. I am too. And I never thought we would see a cool guy pull off. This really is a holiday season episode. Yeah. It's a Christmas vibe. It's Christmas vibes all the way. Yeah.

God bless Tony Johns. That's very fucking cool, bro. God bless every one of us, even Tony Johns. Yeah. Especially Tony Johns. Speaking of a different cool guy, we were on a family trip. I know what you're going to bring up. You do? I've been thinking about it every day. And this guy, we were at the pool at a nice hotel. Fuck off. We were at a nice hotel. Yeah. And we see this old piece of shit walk in.

with his lady. Why is he a piece of shit? He's just fucking about to go. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I felt that he wasn't a good person and Nora was his wife. They were gross. I could tell they weren't like nice. He fucking hobbles over, right? Hobbles over

and he sit lays on a like a pool chair or whatever you want to call it right and and he's just laying there and then at one point i'm sitting next to you and i go hey look over here oh my god this guy decided to throw just he lay down put a towel over himself kind of half put over take off his shorts and his underwear and put on his bathing suit right there at the pool

And lean, so you get like ass shots and ball shots as he pulls up. And then when you finally are ready to pull up, he just dropped the towel full ass mooned everybody and puts on his bathing suit. It's like, hey buddy, there's bathrooms here. Oh, not within steps. There's also rooms in your fucking, your hotel room is here. Oh, yeah. Do you know that our children are so modest they won't do that? Like I've offered like, hey, put a towel around you. No. This man is,

The audacity of somebody to show their balls and their old ass to everybody. And you're just fucking lazy and inconsiderate. And just for that, we don't know who you are. We don't know your name. We don't know anything about you. But you... The Cool Guy Club. Yeah. Are the newest member of the Cool Guy Club. But what's interesting about... So Tom and I... I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching. Yeah, of course. I think you and I...

In addition to our new love of murder together, that's a new thing we're going to get into together. I'm on the JonBenet case. I'm completely whatever. I'm so deep into solving this crime. I'm almost there. But we love observing people in the wild, crazy people. Remember, it is at the same resort. We saw a guy scrub his foot skin off of his feet.

With the cheese grater that you use to scrape. Yeah, with the actual instrument at the pool. At the pool. He just was like, I'll just do this here. I mean, are you fucking out? Now, do you think it has to do with just being old? Yeah, not caring anymore about anybody. Yeah, just like, I'm doing this. I need to do this. I don't care. Is there a sign that says I can't scrape my feet here?

Yeah. It's just totally, just totally inconsiderate. I know. I feel like they have to put signs now. Just another old piece of shit. God. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool now is the guy shaving his feet off. I know. I've seen people clip their toenails at the gate of an airport. I've seen that too. Because you're also like, are you out of your mind? Unforgivable. I've seen somebody eat a bag of hard-boiled eggs. At the fucking... At the terminal. That is so disgusting and smelly, guys. Come on. So crazy. I know. I know you're not a sports fan. Yeah.

You have to see this. This is one of the, this is like a generational baseball prospect. Okay. Look how this guy fucking pitches here. Look at this. This is insane. It's like Rob Eiler. Whoa. I hate you.

Like he's so great. Like, you know, you're going to vomit just for people listening. It's a guy that pitched and he's puking at the same time. During the pitch. And so he, this clip went viral and this guy was like, yeah, uh, just to clarify, yes, I was sick, but he stayed in the game and he still pitched sick puking during his pitches. Isn't that crazy?

Fucking unbelievable. I hate you so fucking much. You just wait for this next drawing. I'm not looking at it again, you shitbag. You think I'm stupid? Fool me once, dummy. I'm not looking, you dumb fucking piece of shit. You almost caught me. I hope you choke on your fucking roogie. No. You just wait for this picture. Oh, you think I'm expecting something nice from you?

You're a terrible person. I know. I hate you so much. Why are you showing me that? I just thought it was cool. It's not fucking cool. I thought it was cool. Why did you have to ruin my day? I was so happy to talk to Tony John. I was too. I just thought it was fun. You're such a fucking asshole. All right, here's your TikToks. Ready? Oh, that makes me happier. A big black dick, but only in my mouth. I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems. I don't need that asshole stretched out any more than it is.

He's Canadian. I've seen this guy's clips before. It's pretty cool. Yeah. He wants a big black one, but only in his mouth. Well, yeah. You don't want your asshole stretched out. Do you want your mouth stretched out? No. I don't know. Talk to Will.

He's the expert on this kind of stuff, actually. We should ask him. Yeah, he might have an opinion on that. Everyone's different, though. There's people right now who are going like this. Yeah. Which team are you on? Getting your mouth stretched? No, I don't want that. Do you think people are really discussing this topic right now? I mean, internally, somebody right now is like, I love having my mouth stretched out. And then somebody's like, mm-mm. I don't know. I mean...

If I had to choose between my anus or my mouth, I'd do my mouth. But you don't have to choose. That's the thing. He's like, you don't have to choose. You can say. I just blew my mind up. Yeah. You can just be like, I don't want anything stretched out. Or both. I don't have to make the choice. You choose for me. You do both. Or you can go. Yeah. You can go stretch everything out. Stretch nothing out. Stretch one of these out. Yeah. Oh my God. I had a Pajitsky effect this morning. Hold on.

Never mind. Please read what Leona or Tanner just put up. The human anus can stretch up to seven inches before taking damage. A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as four inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass. That's really important. That is really good information. Two raccoons? Yeah. That's fucking amazing. So if you had to choose, you'd choose your mouth. Yeah, wouldn't you? No.

Well, yeah, between the two. Yeah. Yeah. But like I said, you don't have to sign up for having your mouth stretched either. No, you don't. Wow. Sounds like you just did. Can I tell you my Pajutski effect? Can I tell you my Pajutski effect that I had this morning? Sure. So for those of you who don't know, that's when like you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole fucking life. And then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded. I can just do something. I can just do something different. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

The way our bathroom is set up, the towels are on the other end of the bathroom and the shower is here. Okay. Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing. Every fucking day, I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower. Yeah. I forget. So now I'm getting out of the shower and I'm fucking cold and wet. And then I got to tiptoe on the slippery ass tile. To get a towel. To get a fucking towel. And you know what I realized today, Tom Seguera? Tell me. I can put a towel rack-

directly outside of the shower so that I just reach. Yeah. But there also is a rack. There's that hanging rack. Where? That's right outside the shower. Oh, but I put my shower caps on there. I put a towel on there. Hold on. I agree. I agree. Hold on. Hold on. That's if you remember to put a towel on the rack. I'm saying if I get a shelf. Sorry, that's the word I should have used. A shelf. Near. And you stack like five towels on the shelf right there. Yeah.

Wow. You're really firing on all fucking sellers today. Buddy, buddy. I mean, now I'm living in luxury. What am I fucking? Good one. You're hunting Somali pirates? I'm toweling off. What does it mean when you dream you're naked and tied to a cross and Bohemian Rhapsody is being played very loudly on the stereo while a nun tortures your nuts? I don't even want to. Let's do the next one. I hate him. What, Tana?

Gregory, however, hi Greg. Oh, what a good tiger. Hi, sweetheart. Where is Gregory?

So... Oh, what a girl.

So Tippi Hedren, the famous actress that was in like Hitchcock movies, had a fucking pet tiger. Gregory. Gregory. Who still has his nuts that are just hanging. Really? Full of fucking rage. That means that he wants to mate and fucking dominate, spread his seed. It's cool. And just bite her head off. And he's fucking huge. He's enormous. And she's like, he is the sweetest little guy ever.

He would never. And that's the thing is these dummies never think that their beloved pet tiger is going to attack them. Does she die by her tiger? I hope so. Let's look it up. Okay. I really hope so. Right. At the very least, I hope that the tiger ate her dead body. Hit your face with your period blood? Yeah.

This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles. Some of them are free bleeding into lakes and rivers. Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces. I just thought this was some American Indian shit. You know, like this is like a Cherokee rite of passage. Is that not what's happening?

Read it. Tippi Hedren is still alive, lives with lions and tigers at her California animal sanctuary. Jesus. How old is she? She looked old in that fucking thing. I know. Maybe she's, I don't know. I don't know how she's doing it. I don't know how she's doing it. How is she surviving? She's 94. And she's not 20. And that is the age to get eaten too. Like when you are like that and your skin is like paper.

And that thing just... It goes to give her a hug and she tears open and then it's like, I'll just eat this. So frail. Tippy's a snack for that thing. That's Melanie Griffith's mom? I had no idea. I didn't know that. I guess she's a legacy family. Excuse me? What? God. Look, can I tell you something? There...

There is a point where you do too much shit to your face that you can't take it back. That's happening left and right now. Too much shit to your face. This is the era of too much shit to your face. We're living in it. Stop doing too much shit to your face. I mean, I'm obviously going to get my nose fixed. You got to do that. You got to do that. I mean, stop doing this. You got to look old, dude. It's okay. Just be old. Fuck. I'd rather look old and weird.

Eating ground beef. What the fuck? So this woman is just sitting on some steps out in the public eating out of ground, just eating a ground beef from the, from the, uh, yeah, from the packaging, like from the grocery store. She's enjoying it to be fair. You know, she looks like what Tom, you know, what she's making a whole bunch of different decisions.

At first I forgot I curated this. I thought it was Sour Belts. And I was like, I fucking love Sour Belts. No. Those aren't Sour Belts. Those are matey belts. Two years? It just ends there? Ends like that?

Does anybody know Holly? Can somebody help this man? Can somebody fucking, it's two years he's been doing this. Please, somebody. Tell Holly he still loves her. Jeff still loves you. Come on, it's Chuck. I think it's Chuck. Oh, Chuck loves you. Chuck is really out there. He's in his tent out there. He's by the freeway wearing his tap-out hoodie and he's just looking for you. Oh my God, they still make those? Yeah, I think so. Is tap-out still real? I don't know. I haven't, it's been a while. It's like FUBU.

Oh my god. So this, do you guys? Holy shit. How is this the craziest talk I've seen? So if you really love your dog, I mean only if you really love your dog, when it dies, you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor in front of the fireplace. Just where I used to

that's where that's that's where chub chub used to lay right there what is that and you're like well they took the bones and guts out of our dog and uh left his fur here and we get to lay on it miss him it's great and here's the thing crazy but here's the deal man five grand for a fucking real pet pelt here's the thing you and i love pets obviously like we're obsessed with our animals

I'm kind of torn because, hold on, you know how much we love Feef. Do you think you can see where is Feef? Oh, where's his six tits? Oh, this is nice that this is here now. That's cool. I didn't know that that was there. And there's Tony John. That's cool. I know. Right behind you. Yeah, that's awesome. But don't you love them? It's like...

yeah you get to see them but you get to see them in kind of a fucked up way kind of fucked up not it looks like a fucking cement truck rolled over your dog and that's what you see every day when you walk behind the portrait oh okay okay i mean like do you want to see a mushed sad virgin i don't like this at all what about i mean what about taxidermy you could just stuff your no i think you just say goodbye i think you say goodbye

photos are cool yeah pictures and videos and stuff oh my god rock climbing tom loves this cave climbing so right now i'm oh man it's crazy how i can feel the i can literally feel the anxiety spike when we watch a clip like this yeah it's so narrow i don't like this why not why you're so funny

This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead, biting him. Tanner, what's he saying in Filipino to Gala? What's he saying? He's saying, ouch, this kind of hurts. He's just chilling, though. What the hell?

Can somebody fucking take it off of his forehead? Can I tell you what's interesting though? Cause this guy obviously fucks around a lot with animals. He knows that if you go like this to rip it off, he's probably gonna tear his forehead off. Yeah. So he's just kind of like letting it deposit its venom and then he's going to pull it off. Isn't that nice? He knows.

He knows it if you go like that. It's like that lady that got bit by a gator that one time and she rolled on the death roll and preserved her arm. Yeah. Because everybody else would just kind of go, and then your just arm goes flying off. But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to finish. That's how fucking, you'd have to just skin graft my forehead. Yeah. Just rip the skin off. I don't fucking. You just follow, say, grunt me, bust me in the mouth. Grunt me, bust me in the mouth.

Dude, he's in a new location. That snake's not going anywhere. He's laughing now. All right. I think you're almost done with him. Or he's almost done with you. I think you can rip it off now. I think so, too. He's probably one of these who's like, I'm in his house. I don't want to upset him. You know?

Oh, fuck off. There you go. Jesus. Yeah, you dummy. How do you get bitten in the face? That means you're face to face with a snake, stupid. What did he say? Did you translate it? I don't know yet. I think he... Can I tell you what happened in my mind? He says, oh, green snake. And then he...

He leaned down with his friend and he was like, I'm going to put my face in the face. I'm going to put my face in the... Yeah, that's what you think. And then he latched on. Well, how the fuck does a snake get to your forehead? I don't know. It doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle. He leaned down. He's in the fucking jungle. So I don't know. I could have done anything then. Stupid. All right. I'm literally making a kill my bed right now. And I just need a cuddle buddy. That's all I'm asking for, a cuddle buddy. No, you're not.

No, you're not. Right? That's a fucking lie. No, I know. You say that you want to cuddle, buddy. And oh, what? I go over there. I'm like, all right, I'll fucking cuddle with you. And then all of a sudden you're like, ooh, I'm sorry. Look what happened downstairs. Yeah. And now you're trying to fuck me. Yeah. So I'm not falling for this again. I agree, Tom. No, you're lying. He's not fooling me either. So...

Poor whoever speaks, I guess, I think it's Tagalog, whoever is speaking is like, they're very upset with us right now. Why? What do we do? Because your pronunciation is not very good. Well, I mean, I'm trying. I love languages. I do. I do.

Yeah, this guy is totally bluffing. Yeah. He's not looking for a cuddle date. I'm nakey nakey right now and I just want to cuddle. That's all I'm asking for. No, it's not. Yeah, he's lying. He's foolery. You're lying, dude. Fooling us. We've all fallen for this trick. I've fallen for it in college and stuff. You're like, oh, you want to cuddle? I love cuddles. I fucking totally fell for this like freshman year. Mm-hmm. Somebody got you. Yeah.

Yeah, everybody falls for the cuddle. All I want to do is just have somebody hold me. I know. I fell for it. Yeah. I just want to watch this movie with someone. Oh, yeah. The movie. Uh-oh. Just ignore my bone. And then you're like, wait a minute. Why is your finger in my asshole? Okay. Bye-bye now.

asshole my asshole okay well this was a great episode i had so much fun so did i so much fun with eugene um thank you guys for watching thank you for listening make sure you visit the shops and the stores get some lipstick from christina p get some merch from the ymh store get some tickets i'm going on i'm on tour i have a whole bunch of cities that we have

announced and that's going to be it for us but we're going to leave you we started on the Greasy E by Max Newman we'll leave you on another Chuck Woolery classic this is Greasy by Ghost Crew so yeah we're saying goodbye bye jeans I'm Chuck Woolery I don't like taking pills but I have found something that works

I'm Chuck Bullery.

I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works. Australian Dream.