Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
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What's a first date like ideally for you? You're taking me to Pound. Come on in. Do you guys even know the secret? This is the best way I've ever done it.

You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money. One of the top OnlyFans content creators, Alexis Fokler. Trust me, they see every part of me. I can't believe it. You're not crazy. Content baddies! I want you to choke me later. I just want to get hard without pills. I think Duncan might want to fuck me. That's okay. Hi Amanda, this is Tom Segura. You're on YMH Live and congratulations, you just won $10,000. $10,000.

He has been posting that he is reaching out to porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them. She just texted me and she said, I'm watching, I'll do the scene. Hello. Alexis! Alexis! Let's do this shit. For the heavy segment, everybody, you know what to do. No!

He came twice though he did honestly

I'm into it. I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 15th at 3 Arena. Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16th. First show is sold out. We added a second show. Manchester at AO Arena March 19. London at the OVO Arena Wembley March 20. Glasgow at OVO Hydro March 21. Nottingham at Motorpoint Arena March 22. And Cardiff...

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What's everybody? I'm just looking to laugh today. If you want to take your bra off and send me a picture, have fun with it. But only if you're above 80. Of course. I want you to be a high school graduate.

And then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else. Everybody knows that boobs make guys LOL. That's what we're always just like. That's what you love. Look at these tits. Look at these perfect tits. Do you think that the king had an overwhelming response to his plea? Like, is that why he's making these videos? Or is there just like two girls, the lot lizards? No, he did not have an overwhelming response. But I do think...

I think he got more than you think. Yeah. Here's the thing. Everyone's looking for something. I know. And some attention in some way. Yeah. And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting, they were probably like, oh, this guy, I get a little clout interacting with him. Yeah. He probably had a few hotties.

I think not like tens. Not like our standards. No, no. Like hot for him. You know, one of those things. Yeah. Hot for him. Yeah. That's wild. Just for you know, we're talking about the King, the King, he had an account that was for Queens above 18 and he would put out calls for girls to show him, show him their boobs to make him laugh. Is he in here? And then he had merch. Remember when he was selling merch and he's like, you gotta send me an email.

And then I'll email you back and you write your address and then send me a check. What? Yeah, his thing was, he's like, all right. Send me a check. Send an email of the shirt you want and with the address that you want it to go to. When we respond, then send another email back and...

And after you get that with your size, and if you want a king or queen written on it, and then Jesse will get you the thing. And then once the money clears, then we'll send you it. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's not a way to make a lot of money, for sure. You never heard of Shopify? Yeah.

Shit. Pull your tits out. I want to laugh. Yeah. Man. And you know, he's still at it. I still see him on the talk. Fuck yeah, he's still at it. Yeah. Guys like that don't give up. They don't. Relentless. Oh, here we go. Good morning. I mean, the design is just unbelievable. The queen's a funny tits. I've worked with a couple designers and this is, I've never seen anything like this. Good morning. Good morning. It is unbelievable.

That is like, fuck. Let's make some videos. I want to see them. I want to laugh. This is like when Microsoft Word first started and you could insert symbols. Remember? And also, doesn't this highlight too how like...

how design is not, it's not easy. Like to see like, you know, when you see shit and you're like, that's fucking really cool. That's a really talented person. Yeah. That, that put that together, take it for granted. And you're like, Oh, the first, even people that design your home, like the furniture that you buy and how to place it. Yes. Just like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture and you know what I did?

I bought fucking lounge chairs, the electric lounge chairs, the Lazy Boys. I bought us a row of Lazy Boys. Yeah. No, you're not an interior designer. A trunk.

We were living like frat boys when we had our first house. I'm like, this is terrible. You're the queen above 18 interior designer. Yeah, I suck. I'm such an idiot. I bought fake flowers from Amazon. I'm like, I'm going to have fake flowers. Because we all think we can do it intuitively. That's what happens. You go, oh, I'll design the shirt. And you're like, it looks like that.

It's like a frat house. Yeah. It's bad. It was so bad. We need help, babe. We need to hire somebody to do this. He needs help too. He needs a lot of help. Yeah. It's not just us. He needs help. Yeah.

How you doing? You're spicy today. Yes, I know. I actually want to tell people, this shit puts me in a good mood. What is this? And it's legal. And this is not a paid advertisement. Okay. This is called Fun Guy is the company, and they make Kana fruit chews. So Kana is a plant, I believe native to South Africa, and it's a mood booster. Oh, I want one. Can I have one? Yes, you can. I'm excited. I always need a mood boost. Yeah, yeah. God knows I need a mood boost. That shit, you can get it online.

I bought a bunch of it. Yeah, I've seen you with these. It's delicious. Delicious. Yeah, and it does change your mood. Okay, here we go. Watch. This one. What? Oh, okay. It says, oh, I have to set an intention. Warm, empathy, love. Nope, none of that. Okay. How about love? Love's good. Tastes good. Maybe take two. Wait, take it easy. So good. Tastes good. Now it tastes like a fruit roll.

Highly recommend to all my friends out there that want to try. You can get this online and you can get it legally. Nice. And it's called. I'm into it. It tastes really good. Kana by Fun Guy. Give me another one. Yeah, dude. That's what I'm saying. Why not? Go for it. That's what I'm saying, bro. It's good shit, bro. All right. You ready to start the show? Am I? We have so much to talk about. I'm in a better mood. Here we go. Here we go. I'm telling you, you're going to like this. You're going to like the way you look. Here we go. Guarantee it.

Uh-oh. Yep.

Don't bring anyone's love into this.

Let's talk about her mom. Yeah, dude. I get it. Listen. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. And Christina Pagetti. Welcome to your mom's house. That was... Yeah. Well, I am in a better mood already. That's crazy. Yeah.

I'm telling you when you find something that like that works for you yeah it's like you want to tell everybody I'm serious no that's really good stuff mm-hmm Wow yeah it's gonna it's gonna hit you more in an hour yeah yeah it's

It's very exciting. Very amazing. - What do you think of this cool chick? - Well, listen, as somebody that had a mother that was competitive with me as well, I understand what she's doing here. Like when I had my breasts coming in, my mother would shame me and be like, "These are not breasts, these are little mosquito bites." And she was always jealous too. - She was jealous, yeah. - And then when I got my titties,

The same thing. She's like, you need to wear bra, supportive bra. You're jiggling everywhere. She would insult my titties. This is you if you had an American mom. Oh. Right? Yeah, for sure. I'd be like, my mom's my... You dumb little bimbo whore. You dumb little bimbo whore. You let dad make you get a boob job. Are you fucking kidding me, Nancy? You're disgusting. You're a bimbo. Do you think old pro would be proud of that as a doctor?

As an obstetrician gynecologist, you think Oprah would be proud of the fact that you got pressured into getting a boob job by dad? And then you want to tell me that I don't deserve to survive? Yikes. Because you want to suck that fat pig's dick? Yep. I feel this. She doesn't like dad either. I thought this was just all about mom, but then she was like, dad pressured you. Fat pig. I call him a fat pig. This girl and I would be best friends. Yeah. I fucking feel this vibe so hard. Why don't you reach out?

Girl, I feel you. Why don't you reach out? Fuck Nancy. Fuck your fat dad, dude. You're right. She's super fucking... She's fired up. She's 31 years old. Yeah. She calls her mom Nancy. Yeah. Well, Nancy probably did a number on this girl. Yeah. She's really pissed, though. Nancy did some shit to her. Yeah. You don't just make a video like this if your parents are normal and cool. I know. Bro, if I was...

If I had a YouTube page growing up, this would be my whole shit. Katie. I fucking hate my parents. Her name's Katie. Katie, I feel you. You're right. Fuck Nancy. Fuck your fat ass dad and his tiny dick. I hope your mom's tits get infected too. Fuck her. But also, I'm just saying this for not trying to be weird. It'd be nice to see Katie's tits. Because she was like, Nancy got super jealous.

- That's right, so like hers are naturals is what she's saying. - Yeah, so what I'm saying is, Katie, how about a follow-up video? - Well, we wanna laugh. - We wanna have a good-- - Show us your boobs, you're above 18. - Show your tits. - Yeah. - Just giggling. - Yeah, it's true, man. It's dark shit. - Very dark. - She's on it. - Helix mattresses. You know what I love about Helix? You go online, you take a quiz.

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What a hoot and what a fun time. Yes. We had incredible...

original content. We had Will Blunderfeld. We had our own Tanner in there. We had Duncan Trussell. We had Tony John. I know. The ladies man. That was my favorite. And 20 some odd stunned women who were like, what in the fuck is this? They were completely flabbergasted that this was a real human being. Yeah. Charo dipping her toe in the OnlyFans with Alexis Fox. Yep.

who she's, by the way, in love with. Charo loves Alexis. I know, they're gonna hang out. she totally loves her. We had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda and Johnny Pemberton was in that. Ryan Sickler's in that. I make an appearance in it. So much fucking fun. And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today. So that was all, uh,

YMH live 10 and you can see it right now by going to YMH studios.com to watch the replay. I hope you do. We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it and I hope you enjoy it. Hope it makes you, I hope it makes you laugh. You want to laugh? Yeah, that was pretty fresh dude. You'll notice I'm drinking cranberry juice today. I think I have a UTI brewing. Yeah. So I may have to get up and piss during the show. Okay. Don't get mad at me though. I'm not mad at you bro. Probably your fault. I want to laugh. I just want to laugh. Um,

Also, I was recently in Chicago. I want to say that was one of the greatest experiences I've had doing stand-up for a multitude of reasons. Look, I grew up, I was 11 years old in 1990 and we moved to Milwaukee.

which is a couple hours from Chicago. So Chicago, we have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee. Like Chicago is like the place to be, right? You want to go to Chicago. And we would go to Chicago for a bunch of reasons. I had some family in Chicago. We went there for field trips to check out their museums. And then...

This thing happened in 90, 91, which is there's a basketball team there called the Chicago Bulls. And in Milwaukee, we would get WGN, which is the local Chicago station. And I would watch Chicago Bulls basketball games. And I was a kid. You know, you're like you're in school, you're you're getting into sports and watching Michael Jordan play regularly, like just watching full games and

I turned into like every kid was like, this is like a, an icon, you know? I mean, we've just like enamored with this guy and with the team. They were like, they became, I think for a lot of kids, especially like that's the, that's all you cared about was the bulls. And I was obsessed too. I got to see him play in person three times. Oh, that's cool. And yeah, I was just like the biggest fan.

And so anyway, I had that kind of affection for the Bulls in Chicago as a kid. And then I played Chicago as a comedian. I started at the Improv. Then I went to Park West. Yeah, in Schaumburg. Which I was, of course, you're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there. No, but shout out to the Asiago Chicken. Always my favorite dish in any club. The Asiago Chicken is killer. Then I did Park West. Then I did the Vic.

Then I did the Chicago Theater. Then I did UIC Credit One Arena. And then I finally did the United Center. This is where the Bulls played. This is Michael Jordan's house where he has a statue. Aww.

And we had about 17,000 people at the show. Oh my God, Tommy. And it was fucking nuts. Jeff Tate. Yeah, he wore his best outfit I can see. So that's how Jeff Tate dresses. Oh, I know. Yeah. Like a homeless person. But it's homeless chic though. It kind of is, yeah. Yeah. That's not. Homeless boxer. Yeah, that's like, he puts, that's a fucking coordinated thing there. Sure, sure. He opened the show. He killed. Chris DiStefano was a surprise guest. He killed.

And then I had just a really fun set. A lady had a seizure. No. Yeah. Oh, how nice. What a compliment to the chef. It was really nice. Did you feel somewhat good about yourself that you gave a woman a seizure from laughing? Actually, so I didn't know because of how the room is lit. And you're working the round, right? The stage is in the middle for people that don't know. And you just stay pacing. And so I saw some...

The bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything that's happening in the room. You see people. You see security. You see things happening. So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, someone's trying to get to their seat. Because that's also a thing. People are like, I'm sitting here, and I just kind of keep walking. So now I'm on the other side of that stage. I'm working this side of the audience. And then I come around again, and I see that this looks like a scene.

So even though I'm in the middle of talking, I go, what is going on here? And just stop, right? And somebody goes, she's having a seizure. She had a seizure. And I go, oh, shit. So I go, hey, do you want to turn the house lights on? I go, this is more important than what I'm doing. And they go, no, it's okay. What? Did they have a medic there? They must have. Yeah, they had a stretcher and everything. Shit. And I go, you don't want to turn the lights on? And they go, no, we're fine. And I go, okay. That's amazing. Yeah.

You know, so many times things like this happen during shows, particularly in the summertime, because you have people who are day drinking and then they'll come to your show. Like at the comedy store, I had somebody vomit during my set in the front row in the summertime because it's hot in there. And then at Zany's.

In Nashville, a woman passed out in the balcony and like same thing, ambulance came, the stretcher came. And you're like, this is not ideal for God. Yeah, this was pretty. It happens. And then they wheeled her out. Oh my God. And I go, hey, you know, I go, if you guys are with her, I would go. And everybody laughed. Yeah. And they're like, oh no, we're not with her. I was like, oh, okay. Fuck that bitch. Well, I hope we, and then I prayed a Hail Mary for her with the audience. Oh, that's nice. But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on. So I just, I just, I prayed to Allah for a second. Yeah.

Don't want to make that mistake. God don't care about, you know, all of the peeps. He only cares about the right, the right kinds. That's right. God's very Christian. Speaking of Michael Jordan, I dreamt the other day that you and I were black. Isn't that cool? I think you mean you had a nightmare. No, no.

No, it was so crazy. You and I were like this hot black couple. Wait, did we have the same or did we look totally different? I had like short Afro hair and I had a huge ass and huge tits, which is not, I have nothing. You morphed into somebody. Yeah, it was awesome. And you weren't just like a black king. Like you were like this Adonis. Wow. And I had the best hair.

brown vagina. It was crazy. You were naked in this? We were doing it. Oh, Jesus. You didn't say that. Yeah. Were you like, hey, baby? Did you say that? No. Well, maybe. I don't remember talking a whole lot, but I just know it was you and me and we were black people. And I had the, like I said, a beautiful brown vagina. And you had a beautiful black penis. Cool. And we were just banging. It was great. Yeah. I know what your search engine looks like.

Maybe. Maybe. And then we just banged it out? We banged it out. Nice. I know. It's so weird that I've been having sex dreams about you because I don't think married people do that. I'm not supposed to, right? Aren't I supposed to have- I don't think there's a rule that dictates it. You can just let your mind go where it goes. You don't have to force the dream. But don't you think it's a testament to my attraction to you? Yes. Even in sleep. I'm very flattered.

And I'm sure you only dream of me sexually, right? I don't have a lot of sex dreams, though. I don't have a lot of sex dreams. What do you dream about? I mean, where was it last night? It was mostly Nazis last night. Yeah. That's what you're into, darkness.

You only like murder, destruction, sadness, kidnapping. I've been watching that Black Hawk Down documentary. Yeah, I know. Just fill your head full of good things before you go right to sleep. Those fucking Somalis. You don't like the Somalis? I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them. I know. I've been there. You're like fucking Delta Force. Get in there. They're tiny people. I know, they are. The Somalis are very tall and lean people. Yeah, they are.

They actually seem like lovely people. Yeah. It's just a, it's a horrible incident in time that happened there. Yeah. It's a good documentary. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You like it? What do you like about it?

Just, it's a well-told story. I remember that vaguely happening. Yeah, that's the thing, is you think you remember, and then they do a great job of, so everybody remembers Black Hawk Down. The movie, yeah. Well, the movie and the term, like the expression, and then it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia. But then when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of what's happening in Somalia leading up to this, right? Civil War and the split kind of between different factions there, and-

And how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while. And then there's like turning point where it's like, hey, they're, you know, a couple. The thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that you're going to have incidents that go wrong. And then the people are going to be like, oh, you're not here helping us. And there's a bit of that. And then, yeah. And then the actual incident itself is like they're.

These guys are on a mission to take out this general, like the guy who's, you know, the top bad guy and some of his cabinet, let's say. And then it just...

Everything just goes sideways. I mean, that's the best way to kind of summarize it. Everything goes sideways. You literally fill your head. Like my watch list is so different than yours. You just fill your head with violence, war, scandal, kidnapping, serial killer. It's all dark blackness. But I think that isn't that what men generally watch? I don't know.

Don't you guys all watch, like, you're not watching Bridget Jones' new movie. No. What the fuck is that? No, you guys all watch awful things. There's a lot of death. Yeah, death. I just watched What Jennifer Did last night. What's that? That bitch crazy, man. It's a little Asian girl, and she called like nine weeks ago. She's like, my parents, they're dead. I don't know what to do. And then they just slowly discovered it was this bitch the whole time. Oh, my God. I mean, spoilers. This psycho? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.

See, I would watch this with you. I'll watch that. That shit's fire. Yeah. Oh my gosh, she looks so fun. Turns out she's just a big goofball. Yeah. She's a little knucklehead. Yep. Fuck, dude. And you know that you'd go back with her if she was like, come back. Come back with her.

I want to show you something in my room. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show me. Why did she kill her parents? Was she being abused like the Menendez brothers? It was just a mistake. It was a misunderstanding. That happens all the time. I forgive her.

See? Yeah, she's cute, though. Thank God she's attractive. Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive. Big time. No one cares. No one cares what Jennifer does if she's not hot. Yeah. It's only when she's hot. Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets. These erection-enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder, and longer-lasting erections for sexual activities. You pick, Jennifer.

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Head on over to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Speaking of not hot. Yeah. I was on a flight yesterday from Los Angeles to Austin. Uh-huh. I had the fattest flight attendant I have ever seen. And not only fat, the fattest gayest flight attendant, which is fine. I like gays. You can fucking try me, fatso. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm just saying my suspicion is that this airline doesn't say anything to him because he's gay and maybe it's misinterpreted as homophobic or something. Well, there's also this big push...

in the airline industry for more inclusivity. Fuck right off with that. It doesn't matter. On all levels. I'm not even talking about pilots. I'm talking about behind the gate and working as flight attendants. It's fine. I can have a one-legged trans pilot

Flight attendant, as long as he's not morbidly obese. Why does that bother you? Because he can barely fit through the aisle. It's a safety issue. Not only that, the airline's probably losing money because he's weighing the amount of, what, two suitcases, two people. How fat is he? It affects the weight of the plane. This fucking guy, like black lady bus driver fat, like where they have a big butt that's a shelf. And he was really fat.

Really? Okay, I don't know how to do it in male. If it was a woman, three bills.

Okay. Three bills. It's a really big. And really having a hard time getting through the aisle and bending over and stuff. I'm like, this is not okay. This is insane. Your job is to be able to get through these narrow aisles. Yeah. Their number one job is safety of passengers actually. Right. Because the, what is it? The FAA, they're, they're lieutenants of the federal fuck your mother commission. And they can tell you to buckle your seatbelts. You have to listen to them. You do have to listen to them. So,

I don't trust a fat slob. I don't trust him. I don't like him. You're real fired up about this. Well, because it was such a... It's gay. It was disturbing. Yeah. Hey! Yeah, yeah. Well, it's disturbing. I got it. I got it. Yeah, I mean, it's too fat. And then I saw...

An adult man, a 55-year-old adult male, he had a laptop open, watching a cartoon, like a Japanime cartoon. It was an episode of an ongoing series that he's into. Not like a nostalgia thing where he's watching like, oh, Tom and Jerry, we all grew up.

Like he deliberately, he brought the content on the plane and watching a full episode of like a children's cartoon. I'm like, this is nuts. Like I, all I could think about was like, what if this is like a 55 year old top dog on a plane? Could you ever in your wildest dreams feel like my dad, your dad at 55 watching a fucking cartoon? There's different kinds of guys. There are different kinds of guys. Listen, this is, this is one type of guy. Okay.

Well, I am. I am a loser. Look at me. I'm 50 years old. I'm a 50-year-old man. Still living in my parents' basement. Yeah. Acting like I'm married to a mannequin. And I think that these are my kids. These are dogs. These are toys. They're not real kids. They're not real kids. I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I've never moved out. Living in my parents' basement.

With a beautiful mannequin. She was beautiful. I love her so much. I do. I love you, Emily. Fuck. Fuck, dude. That's dark. Emily's cute. This guy's a little different. Emily is beautiful, though. The guy I saw was like a professional. Like, he was not a listener. Yeah. He was just an adult man that was watching children's cartoons. I can't find a real woman. I don't got a real life reading girlfriend in the house. I made it all up. I tried to fool y'all.

This is... I don't know. I think he's just a low IQ adult.

Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man? No. He's got a good life. He lives in his mom's basement. Well, here's the thing. He's got his dolls. This was such a heavy video. I mean, this guy is confessing what his... Basically, that his greatest fears are true. Yeah. And...

Then he breaks to smell his doll. I know. And he's like, I love, he's going back and forth. This is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings, you know? I know. And the comment says, don't say you're a loser. You're not. Right. So that's what he's responding to. Yeah. Which, yeah. You're a loser. That's a crazy fucking A, man. Well, what does this make you feel? Because I only. I can feel a couple of things. First of all.

First of all, you know one of the things I notice? Not a bad fit. Those are nice jeans. I like his shoes. He's got a cool chain. Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. He's happy. I like the outfit. It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily the doll, the mannequin with his baby dolls. But he also, there's like peaks into the fact that he has full conversations. This man's incapable probably of a relationship with a real woman. Yeah, but aren't you glad that he has Emily? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of fulfillment. I know. I do wish that people would just be ashamed of what they're doing. That's weird. I do want to bring that back where we just kind of like just be quiet about it. Don't watch your anime on the plane. Don't talk about your plastic girlfriend. Just hide it. Just hide it. Because it bums me out. It bums everyone out. It's here to stay.

What is this? Does he talk about this? No, you're not. Oh, you dated for a while. You're not 100% sure? Yeah.

So he's 50. He lives with his parents, so his parents got to be up there in age. But the thing is, this guy, he's too far gone. You know, the funny thing, too, is that he has that relationship, which gives him some fulfillment. And then he has a relationship with followers online. That's good. No, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute anything.

human interaction. No. Like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents. That's a good thing though. He shouldn't be interacting with other humans. You don't think so? Here's one thing that I think is positive. Because he doesn't know how Emily goes to the bathroom, it means that he's not having sex with her, with it.

Which is kind of cool. That is 100% not true. He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario. How is he fucking her? She doesn't have a fuck hole. That's not what he said. He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom. Oh.

He's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit. That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time. How gross do you think that doll is? Like, it's full of his jizz. I think he might be one of those super meticulous cleaning guys, though. He does look clean. It might be, like, sparkling clean down there, but there's cum in it every day. Yeah. In the eyes, in the mouth, in the, yeah.

Right? There's no way he's not. He probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like, oh, Emily, what'd you do? What'd you do? He blames Emily for it. Look what you made me do, bitch. Oh, no. Oh, you got to clean up. And then he, good job. And he cleans her and he talks to her. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're going to get pregnant again. We already have two dolls. No clue what the hell you're talking about here, little fella. None whatsoever. I just got one question for you.

What would make you think that I have a clue what plastic holes would feel like? You're weird. Get some help. See, that leads me to believe that maybe he's such a low IQ adult that he's not doing that behavior. Like he's not. No. You think it's inevitable? He's a man. He's still a guy. He's fucking that doll. He's fucking that doll. Yeah, I don't think he's that low IQ either. I think he has awareness enough to like...

have the doll know how to pretend dress the doll like he's not like dumb dumb dumb well and hold on well hold on one thing we've noticed about cool guys see they don't know how to upload videos properly or title them and look they're usually all the same thing yeah how's he doing all this it's the same it's the same brain it's a lot of the same that finds different holes that come in the doll advanced autism did they say that to him yeah

Do you argue much? Let's hear that one. Well, that's the good thing about being married to a mannequin. Oh. That's the best part. But we do argue. They do argue. Sometimes. What does it say? Advanced autism was the other one? Well, actually, I wouldn't call me advanced.

I'm playing the acoustic guitar because I'm not. I know how to play the acoustic guitar. But I'm not that good at it. I only know how to play one or two songs. And one of the songs is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

And the other one is Sweet Home Alabama. So they're just like, are you advanced? He thinks they're saying you're advanced at your acoustic skills. Yeah, but you think it's a bit, I mean? Auditory? Because acoustic is kind of, it's like something that people say on socials to like, in place of audits. That's right, like you're regarded. He's trying to be funny. What's up, Tom? He's trying to be funny.

He's trying to be funny. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing. Like, look at the Shawnee's framing in every photo. Like, uh-uh. He knows what he's doing. Look at that. No, but the repetition of the screen, like the repetition, that's a cool guy all over it. Oh, shit. That's a cool guy outfit for sure. Oh, my God. I think it's good. That chain's too nice. That chain's nice. It is a nice chain.

I have to pee. I've got a UTI. Okay. Go for it. All right.

Who are they? Who are those people? Those are cool guys? This is the ugly wall. Yeah, it's not the hot guy wall. These guys will never end up on that wall. These are people we discovered online that we ended up usually meeting or highlighting. Like you saw Fancy Chef, right? You saw that guy. You didn't see Fancy Chef? No. Ever? The black dude? Yeah, the black chef. Black chef. We call him Black Chef. Yeah, he came like...

He came to the studio and cooked for us. Oh, nice. So he got a portrait. Okay, cool. You know Robert Paul Champagne? He's a New York legend. Nah. You don't know Robert Paul Champagne? What is the context? He's on the map. He's literally, you can put him on Google Maps and it shows you his address. Like, type in Robert Paul Champagne. So he is the guy who put out a video years ago just calling for all black men to come to his apartment. Yeah.

Black guys who like to fucking fuck good. Yeah. That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, that didn't hit my circle, surprisingly. Yeah, it's him. So they're all just like, that guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker. Oh, cool. And he ended up putting up tit cup videos where he made his tits grow.

And he also shits on french fries and eats them. Oh my god, how much time have you spent on the internet? I've always wanted to ask you that. So fun. I actually, I don't go that, that deep. No, that's a lie. No, it's true. That's a lie. I knew that you were locked in, because I always knew that you were like plugged into like internet culture or whatever. Yeah. We roll, man, we just roll, yeah. Yeah, well here, let's just like, just get this out of the way. Yeah.

Starting today, the moment you see this, you can go to Netflix and catch the all new special Andrew Schultz Life. And we're welcoming back the great Andrew Schultz, everybody. Thank you. Welcome.

Congratulations on the special. Thank you very much, man. Yeah, that's awesome, man. And on a baby. Yeah, that's the cool part. They're kind of intertwined. Yeah, the special's about trying to make the baby. Yeah, that's very cool. I'd heard about this because I would run into somebody that goes on the road with you. Oh, Poston, man. Yeah, Derek. And he told me that theme a while ago. I was like, oh, that's great. But now I get to actually see it. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, yeah, check it out, man, if you get time. It was cool. It was tough for us to get pregnant, so yeah.

We talked about that briefly. Yeah. Like a while ago. Yeah. I guess I was foreshadowing. I was like, I didn't, yeah, I didn't think it was going to be this tricky, but it was. No. And you know, what's crazy is that as a woman too, you spend most of your life trying not to get pregnant.

And then that's interesting. And then one day you're like, let's do it. Let's pull the goalie and let's try it. And it is hard. So unless you're 18 years old. Yeah. You know, well, it wasn't her fault. Was it your fault? Yeah. Your swimmer's? My sperm doesn't. Yeah. Really? Yeah. The doctor said my sperm swims like Lizzo in a riptide. Yeah.

I got a great doctor. That's a very cool doctor. He's got awesome parlance to describe your medical difficulties. That's very funny. Yeah, so my sperm sucks. But I thought it was her fault, too. So it was very surprising. And then I just started talking about it on stage, and it was so weird. I thought...

I mean, this is kind of cliche, but I literally thought that this is like an anomaly that nobody goes through. And I would like talk about on stage and like these like guys would come up to me afterwards and they wouldn't admit it, but they'd be like, Oh, some funny stuff right there, man. Like, yeah, you can keep doing that. That was good. That was, that was good. And I was like, what's going on? And I started like talking to friends and they would, every one of them was like, Oh yeah, we're doing IVF. Like everybody, I'm 41, so I'm a little older obviously, but like,

I didn't know. And I was like, oh, is this like the last taboo thing? Is this the thing that we're like afraid to admit? That is a kind of a, that is a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't think you should be embarrassed about. Like, I think it's like your kids will really know you want them. Yes. You know that like fear that kind of like the generation before us all had, which is like, did my parents even want me? Right.

Like they came back from war and it was like, I guess we do this. Yeah. And then, but yeah, like if you do it, like we paid, there's like a receipt. Yeah. It was premeditated, you know? So did we because- You guys did it? The second baby. The second time around. We didn't even- I didn't know this. Have you guys spoken about this before? Yeah. Not really. We were so in it that we didn't. But like it wasn't even, we didn't even go like-

let's try and then do it. We just went straight to it. You went, okay. Well, because we were older. I'll tell you why. You took a look at Christina. Poached! This kid's not going to fucking be able to...

So the fork, if we do it the regular way, because the first baby I had at 39, like I delivered it, I think 38 or 39. Wow. Okay. So I was already a geriatric pregnancy and all I had to do is take like a pill. I know it's so fucked up. I took like one pill and I got pregnant.

but then I, uh, I had a miscarriage before that. Yeah. And they said, well, now that you're 40 to go in for number baby, number two, they're like, you know, the chances of miscarriage are like really, really high. And I didn't want to go through another miscarriage because it's so heartbreaking. That's the other thing I didn't realize, like how often people have miscarriages. Oh yes. So often. Almost everybody. It's unbelievable. It's a lot. Like,

I even think a lot of girls that are just kind of having sex regularly that have like a late period, it's not really a late period. It's a miscarriage. They just weren't aware that they were pregnant. And then when you're trying to get pregnant, now you're acutely aware of what's happening in your body. Yeah, we thought...

We thought that happened. I mean, I talk about it in the special, but like, yeah, we thought we lost it, actually. Really? Yeah, it was really scary. I started bleeding. How pregnant was she? How far along? She was... That's a great question. Like, was she showing? Early. No, it was very early because the story I tell in the special is actually not as tragic, but like, we went to see if there was a heartbeat and it wasn't developed enough to hear it yet.

So we had to wait a week. So the doctor's like, we think it's okay. Yeah, that's terrifying. But you have to wait. So the whole week you're just holding your breath. I'm doing podcasts. Oh my God. Reacting to shit on the internet. Like I don't give a fuck about anything. So yeah, it was crazy. Oh my God. So the first pregnancy we had, I was 35. I think when we first started, I got pregnant right away.

And Tommy and I were touring with YMH at the time. We were driving through Dallas. Remember, we were driving through Texas and we just found out that the baby wasn't viable. It was, we did an ultrasound and it was like six weeks along and it was dead.

And the doctor, remember, she was like, well, do you want to miscarry naturally or do you want me to abort it? And I was like, just do it naturally. So you're basically waiting for your miscarriage. And I just remember we were touring and we had to make money. I had to go to Texas the whole time just crossing my fingers that I wouldn't miscarry, you know, on the road. And then one time I did remember I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve. Yeah.

The ball dropped. In Austin, yeah. And I was having a miscarriage as I was telling jokes. No! That's how dark that was. But then I was kind of used to it. You're just bleeding. And you're like, well, I may as well just go tell these jokes on New Year's Eve and fucking forget about it. But yeah, you just have to live your life. This death is happening or happened. Yeah, also delivering that late, like having the late... Yeah, I'm sure like...

It's a constant concern for women. Yeah. Especially as you get a little bit older. Yeah. Yeah. Proclampsia. Do you mind? Sorry. I don't know if your experience was like this, but so we go in for for second baby. Yeah. And we're like, let's just do this. Like, let's not even try. Yeah. Yeah. Let's not even try anything else. So then they go, OK, you know, we got we made the potion. Yeah. And then they were like, you have you have 19 embryos.

You got 19 at 40 years old? 19 embryos. 19 embryos or 19 eggs? 19 eggs. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Embryos is after they... So usually you like half it along the process, right? No, no. I had a lot of eggs. You must have had like 30 eggs. Yeah. You had 19 embryos and they were all male. They were all male. And then they go...

So now we put them in and we rank them. They're like, these six have Down syndrome. Do you want them? And I'm like, do we want them? And then they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect. This one will have this disease. And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these? And they're like, well, it's up to you. And I'm like, oh, okay. And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, and we have one that's rated A++. And I go, we'll take fucking that.

We'll take the A++. And they're like, okay, well, you just have the choice. And I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice. There's no choice. There's one good embryo. There's one good embryo. It starts at the bottom. Yeah, because some of them, I'm saying when they said the 19, they were basically like 11 of these are not viable. Yeah. We went through the same thing. Did she have eggs? She had enough eggs. Yeah, yeah. We were lucky. We didn't get that whole, but it was, but yeah, she had like nine.

And then we were able to do it. And then we didn't choose the gender. The choosing the gender thing is kind of... That's crazy. It's kind of funny because... Wait, hold on. You can choose? Like they can take which sperm? Well, no. You know what gender the embryo is. Right. That's what we did too. So you guys had all males. All boys. But we had both. Wow. And we were like... We didn't want to know. We felt like it was playing God a little bit too much. But after reflecting on it a little bit, like...

There are some countries that don't let you choose the gender, right? I think America's like the only one that kind of lets you. And it is kind of funny because it's very rarely is someone choosing girl. Right. You know what I mean? Right. So when they say you can choose the gender, they're basically saying...

Can you choose boy? Now, it is, right? But they can't say it like that. So the other countries, they realize, oh shit, everybody's just choosing boy. And we got all these chicks that are just on the shelf. So we need to, you know, we need to solve this problem. And they go, okay, you can't choose. We're just putting whatever's in there. Interesting. But it is rare you go in. Like, I think some people do it like if they've had three kids and they just want a girl. Yeah. Like Charlemagne, he has four girls.

Four girls. Yeah. And I know by the fourth, you're going for the boy. Yeah. So I don't think they're going to do another kid. But if they did, IVF, some people go, okay, I want this locked in. Yeah. Give me the guy. He might have our luck and they'll be like, hey, you have 19 girls. Oh, my God. Or some people want one of each, which I understand. Hell, yeah. That's awesome. But you know what I was going to say? You're right that there's –

I didn't like to be too public with it because A, what if it doesn't work? And now you're embarrassed or you feel sad and it's a public sadness. And B, because of my age, I felt a little bit of shame because we're using science to do something that nature doesn't want to happen. And there's a weird shame attached to that for me. You feel guilty about going through it? Yeah.

Yes, like I'm cheating nature. Like you're not supposed to have to. I'm not supposed to be doing this. And I know that. And you know that on some level. Because I am now. Hold on. I'm 48. I have a kindergartner. Yeah. I'm a 48-year-old mom of a kindergartner. Yeah. It's beautiful. I'm thankfully in good health. Yeah. But like...

Wow. That's not how nature intended that shit to happen. Yeah, but we do so much shit that's not how nature intended. We fly on planes. You know what I mean? No. You have blonde hair. Yeah. Naturally. Do you know what I mean? It's just we constantly are refuting nature's desires, so I'm not worried about that at all. And nature wants us to have babies. They just gave us some science to do it. Well, that's a good way to put it. It definitely helps. Yeah. I feel like with 19 embryos, you guys would have got pregnant immediately, regularly. Yeah.

but then they weren't sticking. They were, the eggs were, the eggs were not perfect enough. Yeah. Yeah. I could get pregnant, but they weren't genetically good enough. I think that's why with all that help we had legitimately had one good option. Yeah. We had one good egg. It was one option. And that was Juju. Yeah. And then he came out like, like a Gerber bait. Like he's just like big cheeks, blue eyes. Like, Hey, like he's like a baby advertisement, you know? Oh my gosh. And now he's like, fuck you. Motherfucker. What the fuck man? And I'm like,

Is he cursing? Oh, yeah. How old is that? Six. Six. And he's like, why is this fucking table here? I love it. Well, that's the fun part of having kids as a comedian. Because I don't really have a gauge on what's societally normal sometimes. And I just let, like, for instance, our boys like hammers. They're just a fucking hammer shit. And they're fighting over one hammer this weekend. And I said, you know what, boys? Let's go to the hardware store. I'm going to buy you each a fucking hammer.

Yeah. Okay? And we're going to buy shovels, we're going to go to the park, and you're just going to fucking wild out. Yeah. Okay? Now, if we'd done that in L.A., a million people would be looking at me, stink eyeing me, let your boys be toxic male. But in Texas, they were like, look at them boys just digging and hitting and doing that. Yeah, for sure.

But I don't know if that's normal. Like, is that a normal thing to do? Do you feel judgment as parents in L.A.? Is that what you're saying? Yes. Really? Yes. I think that L.A., like, the way that I summarize it for people is, like, you walk into a place in L.A. Yeah. With a young kid, let's say, like, a three-year-old or something. Right away, they're like... Oh, it's an inconvenience. Yeah, and they're like, is he gonna... And then in Texas...

You walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go, it's a kid. Yeah. Yeah. That's just like family value. Yeah. They're like, it's what kids do. Yeah. And you're like, oh yeah. Yeah. I've noticed that traveling too. Like when my wife was pregnant and we were in Mexico, we were in Italy, the excitement around her being pregnant was amazing. They were like, so how, and they start telling you about their kids and like what their first time pregnant was. There's this like beautiful excitement around it. And, um,

In New York, nobody's getting off the bus. I remember being a child. My mom was pregnant with my brother, nine months pregnant with my brother. And my mom's from Scotland, and nobody would get up. And I remember my mom standing up, and I'm on the bus. I'm five years old. And she just goes, you call yourselves men? It was like a Braveheart speech in the middle of the fucking bus. You call yourselves men? You're cowards.

a pregnant woman standing on the bus. And then some guy sheepishly got up and she goes, I don't want it anymore. Just chastising this whole bus. But people don't give a fuck. They really don't care. Yeah, it is like... They don't care. But that does feel more like in New York, you're like, yeah, this is...

Yeah, we see it all here. It's also like you don't come here to have kids. No. Like New York, there's a purpose. You come here to make it in whatever your field is. Yes. And then some of us are crazy enough to be born there or create families there. Yeah. But it's not really built for that.

And you live in the city, right? Yeah, yeah. Born and raised. But you know what? New York City kids, like when I go to New York and I watch a fucking like 10-year-old with their friend. Yeah, and they're ordering their shit from Starbucks. They've got backpacks. They know where they're going. We're the coolest. Yeah. That is something that like I want to have there to be like a little more confidence. I feel like now that like...

You know, the liberal cities are getting shit on and all that kind of stuff like that. It's just like, yeah, okay, whatever. But you're not going to live in fucking Montana. Like, it's fun to go to for a week or whatever. It's just not reality. Like, it's the end of the day when you're sitting and dreaming about, like, what your life could be like, you know? It's either you have this beautiful home and all your family and everybody are living around you or you're going after it in New York, Miami, L.A. Yeah.

Maybe you guys can build Austin into it. You know what I mean? Sure. But it's not there yet. You know what I mean? Just be honest. I think if you're a young comedian, come here. This is where the industry is right there. And by industry, I mean literally you guys, Joe, kill Tony. This is where I see comedians exploding. A lot of them are moving here. They are. If you're young...

Like, I was born and raised in New York. Yeah. So for me to leave that is a big deal. That's crazy. If you're from Maine and you move to New York to be a stand-up comedian, and you have no real attachment to the city, and you can't get anything going, and you see all these people out in Austin building this thing. This becomes accessible. Yeah. That's the thing. I think if you go to New York...

you're 21 right now you're like i'm gonna start doing stand-up you do go like well where the fuck do i start yeah where do i go also do you see them cracking off in new york that's that's what i would look at like the landscape before when we were younger was okay i see people getting on like premium blend or whatever that shit is and then in la there was like maybe a version of that as well but like comedy central's in both of these areas yeah yeah

I don't see people blown up of Comedy Central. I see people blown off of Clips. Clips. Kill Tony, coming on pods, and getting into these ecosystems. And in New York, I don't really see a thing in this moment where people are exploding out of. That's an issue. Yeah. Yeah. I think about this now that special's over. I think I want to make something specifically for that.

I want to have like a property where young comics can build a career out of, or at least like get a spotlight on them, you know? Because I don't feel like it's there. And to me, if I'm a young comic there, I'm going, oh, well, there are these other places with those spotlights. I think you can get on your feet

quicker in an Austin, right? Like if you go, I'm going to New York or I'm going to LA, you know, your goal is like, I want to be at the cellar or I want to be at the store or something. Yeah. But you just go like, well, it's going to take a long time. That's the thing. It's daunting. We're like, here you come out and do it. You could probably, you can get on that stage. There's less competition here. Like the high level guys are elite.

And then there's like a big gap. And then there's like really talented four or five level, four or five year guys. Yeah. But there's not a lot of like the 10, 12 year professional comedian. True. And that's what New York has. Yes. And I think that's what LA has. It's just like the 12 year guys that go up and they crush. And the first time you see him, you're like, who the fuck is this guy? Like what's good. And there's just a hundred of them.

And that's, I think, where you kind of really kind of set the standard for your comedy. Yeah. Like that worked for me, like following Greer Barnes for a decade. You're just like, holy shit, is this the funniest human being I've ever... It's like the audience just thought it was the funniest. You're following Mike Britt for a decade. Once Austin attracts all those...

Wow. Yeah, true. You know, because think about the four or five-year guys. They got to follow that. Mm-hmm. You know, like. And it makes you stronger. Yeah. Definitely. That's what we went through. I was thinking about, like, when I thought about you coming in, I was, like, thinking about how many New York guys make me laugh so hard that are, like, you know. There's a lot of good ones right now. Yeah, because I just had, DeStefano came out. Chrissy, hilarious. He came out to Chicago and did the show with me over the weekend. Yeah.

And he is so fucking funny on stage and off. Oh, yeah. Great hang, too. He's a great hang. And I was thinking of like the well, like Tim Dillon's in New York. Oh, yeah. He's such a ridiculous, funny guy. I guess they're Philly guys, but they live in New York. The Are You Garbage guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love them. But like they have you guys all have that. There's like that East Coast kind of.

That type of person. Sure. Quality to them that is like, you say shit, they're unapologetic. Yeah. And you're just so- Opinionated about everything. Opinionated. Heavily opinionated. It's really, that's what it comes down. Here's the thing. You realize this after you do stand-up for a while. You cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions.

Strong opinions. It doesn't have to be right or wrong. It doesn't matter. Just have to feel a strong way. And that is New York in a nutshell. And maybe even the Northeast. It's just strong opinions, completely uninformed, and we don't care. That's right. If you can ask somebody from New York how they feel about anything, it could be wooden tables, and they will tell you immediately how they feel about it. Yes. And with nothing backing it at all. Yeah. Like, should we buy Greenland? I'm not going to pay for it. Yeah.

It'd be nice to have. Just an immediate opinion. Yeah, there doesn't even have to be logic there at all. The less logic, the better. And it's just strong feelings. And sometimes you don't know if they believe it and it really doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. It is pretty beautiful, actually. Yeah.

You seem so, you've changed, I think, since you've had a child. Oh, no way. I sense a calmness and a stillness. Cool. Yeah, I'm gay now. You're gay. You're sucking cocks. You're butt fucking. You're such a gay guy.

Rimming. Is that accurate? Am I being accurate? Are you just like... Yeah, I wonder. I think there's a... I think so. There's a grounding force that happens. I just care less. My world is small in terms of the things I care about. For sure. So it's like I care about how my wife and my family feel about me, my immediate friends, of course. And...

Yeah, it's just I'm very satisfied with that. Whereas before, what the world thinks about you is really important. You're so concerned. Like, will I be able to achieve my dreams? And what if this thing happens or that thing happens? And obviously, I went through like, you know, a million different crazy things. But...

But yeah, I just don't really care about them as much anymore. Isn't that liberating though? Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I agree. Since I had breast cancer, I don't have it anymore. But you go through that. I was part of the research I did on it. Oh, okay, yeah. But it totally like fillets you. It opens your whole shit up. And you're like, whoa, my God. Did you think you were going to be out of here? Yeah. Wow. Of course, you get that diagnosis and you're like, well, how bad is it? Well, we don't know for two weeks. So that two weeks of sweating it out and waiting. We went to Italy, thank God, and had a good time. But like-

you start to go like, well, what's really important here? I've got time, a certain amount of time left on this planet. What's it going to be? Is it going to be like...

Whatever, whatever your priorities are. Yeah, what did you want to do at that time? Well, at first I was more concerned about touring and being a famous comedian and accolades and now I don't care as much. It's really like I'm hydroponic gardening. Yeah. I have a cat. Yeah. I'm really into my cat. Yeah. I'm relearning Hungarian. I'm playing the drums. Like just doing things that I... That nourish you. Couldn't do because I was so focused on being the driven comedian and trying to make it, which we all are. That's so like outside in, right? It's like...

Yeah. It's out of your control. Yeah. Right. It's like if these people like you, they like you. If they don't like you, don't. If you have like cultural utility in that moment. Yeah. You know, like Yakov Smirnoff is, I don't know that much about his standup, but I imagine the fact that like we're in a Cold War with Russia probably leaned into some of the success and interest in that person. Yeah. So a lot of times with comedy, it's like, do you have cultural utility? Yeah.

And that decides how meteoric your rise is. So weird, isn't it? But yeah, it's cool that you're just doing the things that make you happy. Time, man. You can't get that time back. That's the biggest one. Yeah. And maybe as we get older, it's way more apparent. I never considered time at all. It definitely hits you more with every year. And like every person I talk to talks about how fast they...

They grow, the kids. Yeah. Yeah, the kids is really interesting. Like hearing people talk about their kids really brings out the best version of themselves in a lot of ways. And it's kind of beautiful. My experience with kids a lot of times, especially with comedians, is like the jokes they make about them. And a lot of times, like when I was growing up, they were hating their kids. And it was kind of funny. Yeah. But now that I have a kid, I'm like...

I don't believe you hate your kid at all. You know what I mean? Like,

Yeah, it's like I think Bernie Mac loved those kids. Oh, yeah. And I never thought he hated them. And I was like, oh, they annoy him. But there's a beautiful love that he's going to take in these children that aren't even his. It's an angle. You have to have some angle on stage with something. The truth is when we talk about our kids, usually either on a podcast or on stage, the end goal is laughs, right? So you're saying and you're kind of sharing one note. Because does somebody really...

want me to be like let me tell you how adorable no not at all not at all yeah they don't want to hear it and also it's like uh what is it like the old borscht bell comedy you know take my wife please yeah it's like that is the momentary feeling like your kids will do something that for like two seconds you will have this like crazy reaction to yeah and that's usually the funniest thing yeah i guess when i try to tell people that like maybe don't understand comedy that much it's like

our opinions are not like how we feel all the time. Yeah. It is the knee jerk emotional reaction that we know is crazy. Yeah. But it's funny for that reason. Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, oh,

sharing this is funny this is a funny thing to share the rest of it you get just more savvy at being like don't share the fat and like nobody wants to hear how sweet something was on stage I mean last dude yesterday I was with my my oldest is not but I do like hearing that from people yeah it's fun to talk about with like somebody but like

Our nine-year-old, I was doing his homework with him, and he was fucking around. I was like, dude, you got to focus. He's like, da, da, da. He's like, just fucking off. And I was like, come on, man. You know what? We're just not going to. He's like, I think somebody just needs a big hug. And he gave me a big hug, and I was like. I love it. I love it. He's like, better? Yeah, just fucking read. He's parenting you? Yeah. Yeah.

But there's also too something about the suffering of having a child. The suffering, like for the woman, it's the pregnancy. It's the physical suffering. Your body literally splits in half. You know, your pelvis opens and this thing comes out of you and you're changed forever.

And there's life before children and life after. And you can't go back to the life you had before. You have to become a totally different human being. And there's something in that selflessness, that suffering, especially at your level of the first few years where they're so needy. Everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy and just keeping them alive. So much mommy. It's more mommy. I get to come in and have fun with her. It's great. But for girls, you're so important too. You're going to set her up

for her marriage. And I think the most important decision you can make is who you marry. Yeah. This is it. If you marry the wrong man, woman, your life is fucked. Yeah. This is 90% of your life is who you marry. Did you ever want to stop doing stand-up when you were kids? Oh, yeah. Because I loved them so much and I felt so guilty leaving them. Interesting. I want to stop doing it now because I love my kids so much. And I am. I'm taking down a couple years. I'm going to fucking be with my kids. They need me. Yeah, there is like a weird...

So my wife was, she's like a very successful woman. You know, she's got her MBA. She's working for Apple. She's like managing AI projects. And like she had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that she didn't want to do that. Yeah. And she just wanted to be a mom. Yeah. Even the sentence, just want to be a mom. And there's this like weird thing that I've noticed that

And it's like people would ask her that she bumped it that she worked with. They'd go, so where are you working now? And it was like the hardest thing in the world for her to be like, oh, I'm not. I'm just a mom. And I wonder if places like Texas, it's maybe not as...

I don't want to say like criticized, but maybe like potentially like looked down upon. It's more celebrated. It's more normal to be a stay-at-home mom here. But that is a weird thing. And maybe that's like what you sacrifice when the pendulum kind of swings. Like obviously, you know, my mom, my dad like worked for my mom. Like, you know, women work, women do all these things. You can do whatever you want. But when the pendulum swings in a certain direction where it's like, hey, women, you got to get out there and you got to do this. And then it almost leaves behind this idea that like taking care of your kids isn't getting out there and doing it.

Yeah, I wonder how we get, how we like create societal value in that again. Well, the thing is, is that women got into men's spaces, right? We're going to go and work. We're going to be in your space. But men don't want to be in our space. I was having a conversation. I was having a conversation with some girls that work for me about this. And, um...

There's like this trad wife trend that's coming back. Have you heard about this? So like a traditional trad, was it trad cath or some shit like that? Traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is. So I guess a lot of women now just going like, yo, I'm good just being like the housewife. This is great. And I was like, where does that kind of come in from? And they're like, they had an interesting thing. They're like, we thought when we worked, right?

That you guys would also take on some of the things that we used to do. So, for example, you used to work. We used to take care of the house. Now we work. Yep. And you work, but you also take care of the house. And we're like, where the fuck did you get that? Yeah. It's just not happening. Yeah. So now you've got to work.

And take care of the house. It's too much. Why would you do that? It's too much. And here's the problem. We don't care if the house is dirty. Right? No. And it is just like we're not meeting expectations. So you'll think when you clean the house, you're cleaning it for me.

But I don't need it clean. No. But you resent me for not helping you do the thing that's just for you. Do the girl things, the girl shit in the house. But you guys don't want to do it. Nobody said in the man's world, I want to be in a woman's world. The women said, I want to be in the man's world. Okay, great. You want to join us? Great. We did that. But the problem with feminism in the women's movement, it didn't account for becoming a mother. There was Gloria Steinem. God bless her. I don't hate these people. I'm just saying there was Gloria never had babies.

So how the fuck do we do what the men are doing and be a good mother? It's so hard to do both at the same time. It's almost impossible. Well, it's almost like those traditional gender roles exist for a reason. You mean like thousands of years of evolution and biology? They've naturally happened this way. And just because the modern world took

took its turn and evolved to what it is yeah it really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictate yeah and then you find that like a lot of women it's the the problem isn't the choice to be like i want to be it's the you know it's the looking down on it that's that's what's the criticism the pretentiousness yeah and i feel like that's kind of and it is probably stronger in a city like new york where they're like oh you can't well you can't fucking do both like

I also feel like there's a little bit of self-hatred there. I think some women are kind of envious of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose and this thing to live for. And they've dedicated their entire life to working at this job that they might not even fucking like. But they got that VP title. But now they're 45 with the VP title and all their friends have these beautiful families. They can't go out to dinner every Tuesday. They're busy.

And it's, yeah, maybe they feel kind of like lied to or manipulated. They are. Because what's the, so the way I see it, look, some women have to work as well as the husband. This is just a fact of reality. Yeah, most in America do. Yes, I totally, and I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I can just be a mom. Yeah. And I'm so blessed.

It's such a fucking honor. But I think the point is that it's not bringing in revenue. It's not what the male value is, right? Because you guys have to generate revenue to be considered a valid part of society. So women bought into this shit too. Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars, if I'm not making bread, I'm useless too. No, this is different value. If you are going to work, go make bread. I got nothing wrong with that. For real. My mom killed it. So...

And my dad was more the caregiver, to be honest. Really? Yeah, way more so. Tell me about this. Yeah, he was just like, it's more in his nature. I was with my dad, I think, for the first six months of my life. My dad took off work because my mom would teach dance lessons. That was their business. And my dad was working for NBC. He was doing news segments. He would produce the news. So he was able to take a paternity leave, unpaid at the time, but you could take time off without being fired. So I was just with him for the first three months of my life.

And I think that he's awesome. Like he's the greatest effort. He's like my hero. But, uh, I do think that there was something that happened there in that Bonnie experience. Like,

Yeah, he's just, yeah, he's just, he's just a man. Is he, is he a softer, is he more emotionally attuned than your mother? Yeah, no, my mom, like you could talk to my mom about anything, but there's just, he's just, his dad was horrible. And it's almost like he just made a decision. Yes. If I have kids, I'm not going to be that. That's right. And he was at every single, like right now he has dementia. I could call him. I could be like, Hey, you want to come to the show tonight? And he'll be like, yeah, sure. Like, where is it?

And then he'll forget and I'll call him back and be like, you want to come to the show? And every single time it would be the same answer. Really? He would come to every single show that I could ever. He introduces me in the special actually. Oh, he does? Yeah, yeah. I love that MSG thing you did with him. Oh, yeah. I had to tell him we were at MSG like 20 different times while we were there. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny. He offered to get my wife pregnant like...

I go there I go to see him every week and I you know I was like yeah we're kind of struggling to get pregnant and his joke would be like yeah if you need some help I can you know I could take care of it and then next week yeah it was still kind of strong if you need some help yeah I mean he delivered this same joke for like three months still funny though so how did you resolve your sperm issue

Well, we did IVF. So basically what they can do is they call it cleaning the sperm. They washed. So they washed it. Yeah. And then they found a couple good ones. And I think we even did this thing called like ICSI or something like that where they...

I did the least amount of work to get my wife pregnant. I think they actually took an individual sperm and they put it at the door. They did like a door knock and dash or whatever that thing is. And they put it right on the egg. Wow. And then you're just like, come on, do the rest. Did you watch porn?

To jerk off? Yeah. They took me to a room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I did. It was an old Filipino nurse. Yeah, yeah. And she was like, here, remote. Here, remote.

You watch your movies. And then my joke to her, I was like, do you stay in the room? She's like, no. This is a large part of it. Oh, okay. Did you find it, by the way? I have a UTI. Okay. She's going to go pee. Oh, you have a UTI. Okay, go, go, go. So one of the things about a themed special, I find it really impressive and challenging because

A lot of times you're up there and we have our bits about a topic and then the shit's over. You're like, it's over. And then I've seen usually UK comics because they'll do the festival circuit so big. So they'll do, here's the theme, my dad. And it's just a fucking hour. And I'm always like, well, that feels like a big hurdle. I remember...

Ari did that one Jew, which is really good. It's really, really good. And it was a theme that I was like, did you set out to make it an hour? I didn't know that that's what it was going to be. And then I was going through it and it was the only thing on my mind. I couldn't write a joke about the trans swimmer or something. All these topical things would happen, which is usually really fun. Even if it's not going to go in a longer piece, it's like, oh, my brain will kind of chew on it and I'll find an angle. And I just couldn't give a fuck about any of it.

And then I started talking about this. And I'd never been personal in my comedy. Like, I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal. Yeah. I always thought, like, my opinions on shit was more interesting. And I just started talking about it. And it was like, oh, this is, like, really cathartic. It's really fun. And then I found out about it was my problem with the sperm. And then I felt a little bit more comfortable doing the sharing. Yeah. When it could have been. It's not like she's the fucking. Yeah. It's like it's in. Which is also, like.

It's vulnerable, but it's also more permission to laugh from them because you're like, it's me. Because you think about her. I remember even earlier doing it, talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant before I knew. I could feel the women in the audience being concerned for her because every one of them, especially in New York, they don't have kids until they're way older. They're like, oh, fuck, is that going to be me? And the second I tell them it's me,

The way these women laugh. Yeah, yeah. Like... Yeah. They're happy almost. Well, I always find too, like, I don't even feel like it's conscious necessarily. Yeah. That as I'm always putting together new hours...

That first bit where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy. Yeah. It's like the room just leans in and they go, oh, great. You know, I was talking to Ari Matty. You know Ari Matty? Yes. Last night. He had an interesting observation about American stand-up. Where it is, and how it's different from European stand-up, where there is much less pretentiousness. He goes, like European stand-up,

And I don't know if this is entirely true, but... And I wouldn't say all of it, right? Right. Like, my mom was born and raised in Scotland, so I watched, like, a lot of Scottish stand-up and listened to it growing up, and I would say there were definitely parallels. But he goes, it comes from this theater culture where, like, the person on stage is the smartest person. Yes. And you are all dumber, and you will listen to these smart thoughts that I have. Yeah. An American stand-up is...

No, I'm dumb. Yeah, I'm done, too. Or I'm going through it or I'm having this like emotional turmoil and I'm in here with you.

Like we're starting in these comedy clubs where you're at a chair right next to me and you're probably going through this thing like me. I never really thought about it like that. But there is something connective and I think that's why it's so synonymous with American art forms. Like when people think about stand-up, it's the American thing. I don't care around the world. It's our thing. And I think it is our relation to the audience in that way. We're not speaking above them. No.

We're almost beneath them at times. We're like inviting you to laugh at the most brutal thing that we might have gone through. Yeah, the more that like you're humiliated in something, the more the audience leans in and is like, I like this guy. I like this fucking guy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a...

Yes, it's like even like the when they roast the president, the correspondence dinner. Like I think it's an awesome American tradition to like humble the most powerful person on the planet. That's true. It makes me really patriotic. Yeah. Like we got a sense of humor about ourselves. You're the most powerful person in the land and you're going to sit down here and take these jokes. Yeah. From someone who's got 30 minutes on Hulu. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like we all get to laugh at you. Yeah.

That's so good. It's true. It's amazing. And you think about with stand-up, like the more flaws you have, the funnier, like, especially like, you know, physical flaws. Oh, yeah. Right? Like if you got the big nose, if you're fat, if you got a gap tooth, all that is like, people go, oh, I like this guy. I like his flaws. It's like, it's an invitation to be like, this is an imperfect person because stand-up, you can't be

the sexiest, coolest person ever. No, it doesn't work forever. And especially as a woman, I feel like if you're playing like the hot girl card, there's a real expiration date on that. I'd say you hit the wall at 40. It can become schtick too. Like I think it's really enticing when you first see it.

And then if it's just the same thing over and over again, I think we kind of hear... We got it. Yeah, we get it. But I couldn't wait to get older, uglier, wrinklier, and fatter, and more authoritative. Because now... I haven't been on stage in a while, but... That's a really...

That's a confident statement right there. I was too hot when I was younger. No, but it was just by virtue of being young and blonde and I had great tits. Just by virtue of being a 28-year-old blonde chicken. Yes, yes, yes. In the stand-up world, I was a hottie, but in the regular world... I went to her show one time. She was in Florida somewhere and I go to the bathroom and the guys at the urinal...

And then he's like, he talks, he tells another guy, he's like, there's a chick on stage. And he's like, oh yeah? How are her tits? And he's like, yeah, they're pretty fucking good. I was like, that's what they're dealing with is they're like, what are those tits like? Just by virtue of you being a woman. Doesn't matter if you're attractive. I just want to point out, girls do this too. So I had a,

A girl told me that she was at the bathroom of one of my shows and the girls were talking about the size of my hands. Now, I'm not saying this is some braggadocious thing. I don't think my hands are kind of... Maybe I have a little bit bigger hands. But we're still just objectifying the fucking thing that the light is on.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, what's that bulge like? Definitely weren't saying that at all. Yeah. But yeah, anyway. The only thirsty comments I ever get on Instagram are dudes.

Now you've got to be getting shit now that you're skinny and like ripped. It's dudes though. Like dudes are the ones that maybe a woman thinks it, but a guy comments it. The guy is like looking sexy. Oh, you're baiting right now. Now this is good. Now the girls are going to be in your DMs. Oh, fuck. Andrew. Andrew. Stop. But anyway, doing the theme thing, I think what's interesting is that...

telling a story, you're really good at this. I watch your standup and you're like a natural storyteller, but like it's, there's like a real skill to telling stories that people I think don't realize. I think so for sure. Over, especially you realize that first you watch it. Cause I remember being like,

My favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell a story, be like, this is what happened today. And I was like, oh, I want to do that. He's incredible at commanding attention. It's so good. And then I realized as a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet. In other words, it was something that I was trying to evolve into. Because I was good at doing it.

This way, like telling friends what happened over the weekend. And they were like, that was such a good story. But I couldn't do it on stage. But I always wanted to do it on stage. And then you realize that the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story. Interesting. And then there's funny moments in it. And then you go, okay, all this information is not needed. Oh, you're saying you keep it fat and then you whittle it down. Yeah. Yeah, I...

I was like, what makes a story so compelling? Like, I'm trying to understand. Because if somebody walks in a room right now and goes, hey, guys, I got this crazy story. Like, we'll give you 15 seconds. Yeah, yeah. Anybody, it's... And then I was even doing, like, some research on it. Apparently, it's, like, our oldest form of digesting information. Like, we remember stories in a way that we don't remember just, like, forever.

facts or just random information but stories kind of get like locked in our brains right it's the reason why like the bible is all stories it's not like hey here are the rules it's like well let me show you the rules and then maybe you'll figure out this story and um so i started reading all these books about like storytelling and like understanding like three arc structure and all this kind of shit oh and i was like okay maybe i can turn this into a story

And then I was like, I don't want anybody coming to the show to know that it's a story. Got it. Because I feel like sometimes with the one-man show stuff, you're basically asking the audience to lower their bar for humor. Yes. Because there is a compelling, thoughtful journey they're about to go on. And I didn't want that. Like, I want you to come expecting...

the hard hitting standup and see if I can get you to like, I can almost like trick you into this story. So in the beginning, you don't even know it's a story. You just think I'm kind of like riffing. I'll say some stuff. Oh yeah. I even tell them about having the baby like upfront. So like I take this idea of us not being able to have one out of it. Yeah. And then there's some things that happen, whatever. But,

But yeah, it was cool to take that on. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. It was really cool. And you can see the energy is different. There are moments where I'm just doing jokes, and there's moments where I'm telling you a story, and you really want to know what's going on. And maybe I'm biased, but I'm there watching it back, and I can feel the audience...

like okay i'd really like to know where this is going yeah opposed to a joke where they're like where's the where's the trick coming yes yeah yeah yeah exactly that's interesting the other thing that like sounds like you did it in this i learned over the time telling stories on stage is that the work isn't so much in like you've part of it is like you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not it's um why are you telling the story and if you if like like in other words what's your way in

And the way in is whether the story has stakes. Can you give me an example of that? Well, it's like you just being like telling a story about putting sperm in a cup is kind of funny on its own, right? But the lead up to that is that

I've been trying to have a baby. This didn't work. This didn't work. Now this story has way more stakes and is funnier. And so a lot of times I'll see guys tell a pretty funny story. I'm like, yeah, you don't really need to work on that story. You just need to set it up better. Yeah, it's really...

I almost feel like the art of storytelling is not appreciated enough because it comes across so naturally. Yes. You're at a bar and there's some fucking Irish guy, red face, that's just the funniest storyteller. And it's so organic to my brother is like this amazing storyteller. It just he tells the craziest things and he knows how to organize it so naturally.

So when I think we see it on stage, we don't understand that that type of like thought and attention to detail goes into it. Like we're creating a vessel for your interest. Now you're interested. And now we have to maintain that interest and up the stakes kind of every single time. Yeah. If everything's kind of working out, you're bored. Yeah. You know, what's an episode of Curb?

destruction. Yeah. Every moment is this car crash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The, the why is like the work I think. So, so you'll have a fun story. Let's say you have a fun story between you guys or with, with your kid. How much are you putting into the why? I mean, sometimes like I would say like you backing the why into it. Yeah. So like, even like when I, on, on tour right now, I'm closing with a story and it's a funny story on its own.

But I kind of worked out this reason for telling it. Can you give me like a past joke? Because I don't want you to give away something that you're doing now. Let me think of a past. Oh, the keys in the toilet. Well, that kind of falls into, because like kid stories, you kind of can introduce the idea of like, here are, you know, my kids are like, and you start telling the story. So those you don't have to like,

give the stakes to necessarily. I'm trying to think of like the, wasn't it, there was the story about that fight that I witnessed in Philadelphia. Okay. I saw this, this fight in a park. Oh yeah. In Philly. I'm trying to remember it now. I'm trying to remember. People jumped in. Remember? Yeah. It was, well, I had, yeah. So I had a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty. Okay.

Right? And so the jokes about that set up the story. In other words, I said that like a black guy who...

sees another black guy getting beat up yeah he'll be like i don't know who this is yeah but that he's my brother and if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up he's like i don't know that fucking guy like i don't give a shit about that guy that's good and so those jokes set up the story which is i witnessed a racial fight oh wow in in this park in philadelphia literally going on a walk yeah i

Where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park, the N-bomb. Yeah. And I was like, yeah.

And then I was like, this was like, immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this shit. And then I was like, I saw a black guy. I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bush. And he came out and like these guys were pummeling this guy. And then I yelled something and then they looked at me and I was like, no, no, no. I'm not with him. I'm saying you guys get it.

But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of one, actually. Let me think for a second. You guys talk, and I'll pull up a... Yeah, I'm really curious about this. Because, again, it's like one of those things where it's so natural that I think we don't realize the amount of skill that goes into it. For sure. And also, my shrink and I were talking about storytelling and why it's so useful. It's because you can't... For instance, if I were to tell my child, be brave.

Okay. But if you tell someone the story and it's unconsciously, you're connecting to elements. Oh, yeah. Because when someone holds up just a mirror to you, you're not going to see yourself. Yeah. Unless you go like, oh, that's cool. I like that character who did this and that. And it's so unconsciously. They say more is caught than taught. Have you heard that? Oh, tell me. And this is not like stories, but it's just like...

you know, our kids just learn so much from observing us. Oh my God. Yeah. Right. And we tell them what to do all the time, but I don't even remember anything really that I think my dad told me to apologize. He's like, he said something about the importance of apologizing. And, um,

My wife might disagree with this, but I think I can apologize when I do things wrong. That's nice. Yeah. But outside of that, I just observed him doing shit, and that was the litmus test for behavior. Now, is your dad American? Yeah. Is he Jewish? No. Oh, what's Schultz? Most people think I'm Jewish. Yeah, they do. Yeah, I'm not Jewish, yeah. Where's the Schultz? So I can vouch for the Jews right now that they've been going through it. Yeah.

Because I get all that shit. And I can't write back to the comments when someone's calling me like fucking Zionist scum. But I'm not even Jewish. So I just sit there. I take it. Well, it's interesting you're talking about stand-up because aren't Jews the origin story of stand-up comedy? Doesn't it come from... I thought it would.

Come from Jews? No, the, you know, you said the word, fuck the Catskills. Oh yeah, the Borscht Belt. The Borscht Belt. Yeah. I don't know if Jews started it, but they're definitely prevalent. Right? Yeah. I want to say it starts with Jewish humor. Really? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that. Yeah. I have a good example. Okay. I have a good example. So I remember I had this story that a woman had told me about the time she ended up, I

basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu-Tang Clan, right? And so I had this... Hold on. Okay. Is this how you set it up? No, no, no. I'm telling... I'm giving you the example of a breakdown. But you'll let me know when you get to set up. So I have this story that is funny in and of itself. But it's like, what is the way into this story to make it more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group.

And so the work for me was like, okay, figuring it out the way in. The way in was that that was leading up to it. I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher, how she would always, if I was like, I want to do this, she's a dream crusher. Yeah.

So I would tell that before. I'd have jokes about how I used to be like, I want to do stand-up. She's like, you should get a job at the post office. And they have benefits. And I'm like, I don't fucking work at the post office. And I would talk about all how she's such a dream crusher. This would then end up with me saying, the thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter

you achieve your dream it matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you even if you don't reach your ultimate goal yeah that would take me into the story about the girl blowing so it was that gave that story the meaning of like this is a woman going for her dreams now she ended up crying and she was very sad about blowing those nine guys yeah but the

The story was pretty funny. Yes. And the way in was what made it a much stronger story. 100%. Yeah. Now you're not just telling this sex story. Exactly. Yeah. You've positioned her as a dreamer. Yeah. This is what she's always wanted. Yes. She's a winner. So I think whenever we do that for those types of bits, like story bits, you give your story...

much more power. Yeah. I actually think that like jokes put into story, like there's been jokes that I have that are, they're just an idea, right? I don't care what it is, like plastic straws or something like that. That, that plastic straw idea can fit within a story. Yes. 100%. And, and the way that people attach themselves to it

It's much deeper when that happens. Like, like I find like the guys are just like doing the one line stuff. It's fine, but I don't know how attached I ever get to them. But like the storytellers, I imagine you guys probably have this with your audience.

is like they feel like they really know you thousand percent yes and that deeper connection and if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories yeah then you get it's double that you get like what that's such a great joke and now it actually enhanced your story yeah there's that what was the thing about like the turtles i think somebody was saying oh god i'm gonna fuck it up but like this idea that you know we got to save the turtles or whatever and it's just like hey it's like

how fast does a turtle have to swim into a straw for it to get lost? You know? So it's like, there's the idea, but that could also be you on the beach. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you're in this beautiful, you're creating the setting. You have your funny, you have your out. Yes. And now everything before that is just building to that moment. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the stories, I love watching stories. I mean, that's why I think I got into it. Who'd you like? I mean, look, the first guy that I ever saw do stand-up where I was like, what is this, was Cosby. Wow. And it was that special Bill Cosby himself, which is like him on a stool. And it is just long. There's like a 17-minute story about going to the dentist. Yeah. And you're like, this is great. And you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian. Yeah. You just think that like...

which is what you want that's the calming effect of the story yeah we're all sitting by the campfire we're relaxing yeah yeah and you're like this guy's just so funny yeah yeah i'm trying to think of other other stories that i just like really lock in remember there's that bird one with the helicopter oh yeah yeah i remember dying then and i don't remember like specific punch lines i know you just kind of but you you like refer to it as like yeah

Isn't that weird? Yes. It just gets baked in. Yeah. In a different way. And I thought about this when I was doing this tour because I knew we were going to do these bigger venues. I was concerned about doing the arenas with just jokes because I was like, an hour of just jokes. I don't know if that's going to hold their attention.

I was like, what is going to hold their attention? And when they're on the train, the moving train of a story, now there's an investment in what's happening in the end of this. Aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're like, there's fucking 15,000 people and...

And you're telling this part and you can hear like nothing in there. And then you get to your- That's how you know they're really locked in. They're really locked in. And then you get to your punchline and you hear the huge, you're like, wow. Yeah. Like I think you could do if you're doing one, you know, I don't want to seem like I'm knocking one liners. Maybe the next thing I'll do is fucking one liners. But like I wonder if there's like an amount of time where you're like, okay, I can watch 30 of this and this is awesome and it's amazing. Yeah.

I don't know if I can do an hour and a half. I don't know. Maybe you can. Maybe somebody's really good, you lock it in. But I think the guys who are telling these longer form stories, I think you can just hold that attention in a more enjoyable way for a longer period of time. Especially when you get to those big venues. And the thing that we try to do is when you tell your stories, you have them locked in. And if you end one, you can then go...

Set up punch, set up punch, joke, joke, joke. And then before you're next. So it's not just also one note of just stories. Yeah. You know what I've noticed over the years too, because I hang out with dudes a lot, is that you guys love to just sit around and tell stories. That is how men communicate primarily. And then women are more. Stories we've already told each other. Oh my God. You guys jerk off with storytelling. I love being with my friends. Yeah. And sitting down and telling, remember when Jameel did?

And just all of us die laughing and the story just gets mutated and it's not even close to what it was 20 years ago when it happened. Oh yeah, it starts to evolve. Also, the best thing is like we're hanging out and like, you know,

you're here and Kirk's here. I'm like, Kirk, tell him that story. - Story. It's a story buddy. - And then I wanna watch you laugh. - React to the story. - And then I like, you forgot the, I know the story better. - You're tagging his shit. - But women all communicate emotionally. Like what did you do? How are your kids? How's the husband? What's happening with you personally? - I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard with, she always like, when I get back, she'll be like, how's Andrew? I'm like, good. And she'd be like,

Like, how's his wife? And I'll go,

I don't know. She's like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well, I mean, it just didn't, I mean, we were doing other things. It didn't come up. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, you didn't say like. That's all we talk about. And I'm like, I mean, I think she's good. He got a new putter. Yeah, what? Because I know everything about my friend's lives and the baby. Yeah, I wonder why that's not as in. You guys don't give a shit about each other. Here's something I'm curious to hear your thoughts on. I was talking to girls at work for me and like, just like the dating scene in New York. And, uh.

Because I've heard these topics come up a lot in podcasts, but even just conversation from women, like red flags and icks. Have you heard about this? The ick factor, yeah. And I've never subscribed to this as a real thing. Yeah. But they said something kind of interesting. They were like, the pressure for a woman to be with somebody. So the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like. Right.

So a lot of these girls are dating guys that they don't like because that's better than being alone. And there's societal shit. Your parents going, hey, you've got to get married. You've got to be with somebody. Don't be alone. So they're dating these guys that they actually don't like. And when you don't like someone and you're with them, everything about them

is the ick, right? Everything about them is the red flag. Like, I'm sure you guys love each other. So like, the shit that he does that is absolutely disgusting, it rolls right off your back because you actually love it. And that's,

to me, like any good relationship I've had, that's kind of what I've experienced. It's like the horrible things, like, ah, whatever, it's him, I don't care. And then you see this all over the internet. These girls are like, I don't like a guy when he's in the rain and he brings up his shoulders. It's like, no, you just don't like that guy. You just hate him. That's exactly right. And that's,

but you feel so much social pressure to be with somebody because it's stigmatized to be alone that now you're with these guys you don't even like and then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them. No, no, you don't like them. You don't like him. But there are objective male icks.

for me personally. In Austin, it's very common for men to have buns. Go fuck your mother if you're wearing a bun. But yeah, because he's the opposite of a bun, right? It's like, you just love him. Yeah, I do love him. Yeah, you have a type. It's Tom. But I imagine if he had beautiful long, luscious hair and it was in a bun. I'd choose not to. I can if I want to. Yeah, of course. Yeah. We could take a Turkish airline. Sure. They've reached out. Have they really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

that yeah and you said no yeah i was like you know the thing is i've been bald like the shaved head for a while yeah i don't have a weird shaped head yeah so it's like i don't i'm not like oh you got a good shape yeah so then you just go and you can grow a beard if you can't do the beard i think that you kind of got to go plugs yeah you kind of you got it yeah because it looks weird if do the plugs look good enough now these days they're pretty fun but it's also like it's

It's not like, do they look good? It's, does it look better than you bald? And I think that's the thing that we never compare. It's like... Good distinction. You know, like when you see someone with fucked up plastic surgery? Yes. It's like, yeah, they might look weird. Let's see. But do they look... Better than they were with nothing. I also feel like my theory on anything cosmetic... Yeah. If it bothers you enough, it's not about what you say. It's what you do. In other words...

If my teeth were fucked up, I promise you, you would see veneers because it would bother me to have, I know that about myself. If this bothered me enough, I could change it. So it actually doesn't bother me enough. See, here's what I'm noticing about these pictures Josh brought up. It's not the baldness that's the problem. It's the thinning-ness. So you must commit to either having a head full of fake hair

or balding, but it's the in between. See, when I got to that level, the thin, that's when I, I didn't go like, I'll just wait. It was, once it was thin, I was like, it looks weird. Then you took it off. I just took it off. Yeah. I see that. It still grows like, if I grow, I grow fully around the back and up to here. It's, this goes out. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not rocking the fucking empty foreground. Yeah.

- Yeah, 'cause that's what looks bad is the thinning. - Essentially you need to basically fill that in and then you need to get on the hair pills. I've been taking hair pills since I'm like 20 years old. - Really? - Yeah, it looks great. - Looks great. - The hair pills. I noticed it starting to go when I was like 20 something and I was like, I think I'm too young for this to happen.

And then I've just stayed on it since. Wow. Yeah. Like the Propecia stuff? Yeah. So it was finasteride is the one. And that's called. Wow. And I think what it did is just kept it there. Maybe even grew a little back. Like I had like, I think I have like pictures of like having like bald spot. Really? Not bald spot, but like a little bit of thinning.

But you're hyper aware too. Like when you're a dude and you first think you're losing it. There's a beautiful clip. I tell you this because you're so into online stuff and I can't believe we haven't even talked about Temptation Island Spain. Oh, wow. Because I know you speak Spanish and have you been watching? I have no idea about this. I can't believe that I'm going to break this to you. We've got something to watch tonight. I know. I cannot believe I'm going to break this to you. Temptation Island Spain. You don't know about Montoya? No. Nothing. Nothing. What?

This is the most viral thing in the world right now. Really? Hold on one second. Hold on one second. My husband's not gay. We're going to get it. We're going to get it. SSA. Okay. So what was it? Oh, there was a beautiful moment where a guy, he's this like Argentine guy. He's in a car with his girlfriend and she's filming it and she's letting him know. She's letting him see his hair. It looks like for the first time. He's seen it, but he kind of moves it. And she takes a picture of the top of it and he's never seen the top.

And then he looks at it and he's just like, this is a couple in a car. They're in a car. This is like a, uh, uh,

Like social media clip. Yeah, it's just... I've seen this clip. Okay, I knew it. I've seen this clip. But the girl is so beautiful. Yeah, she's like... It's pure love. Like she's dying laughing. He's looking at himself and he's like, fuck, I'm screwed. Like in Spanish, he's like, holy shit, I'm bald. I had no clue. And she does not give a fuck. Like she just loves this guy. It's a beautiful, beautiful moment. Yeah, and she's like, no. He's like, yeah, it's still good. And she's like, no, honey. No, it's all... He's like, what the fuck?

Yes, that's a great clip. Okay, so there's this show called Temptation Island Spain. Temptation Island is this franchise. I guess there are people who are couples. They go to some fucking resort or whatever like that. They split up the couple and then they basically have other people come in and try to fuck their girlfriends and boyfriends. Cool. Yes. And then you have to see if you can resist the temptation. Got it. And this was, I think, the first time in the history of the show

where everybody cheated. - Wow! - But the crazy thing is-- - Yeah, we are Spanish. - Yeah, okay, so this is Montoya. This guy, viral sensation, Montoya, okay? I think it's Jose Carlos Montoya or something like that. Like, he's with this girl, Anita, and the first moment that goes viral is when he first sees, 'cause they have these video cameras, and they play for them what is happening when they cheat.

So you can watch what happens. I'd puke all over myself. Yeah. So do you have any clips that you can play? Is there like some greatest hits? Let's see this. How hot? Would you love that? Would you be J and your D watching me make out with another dude? With another. You love it. Spaniard. Oh my gosh. Sure. It's like, I wish that I should have just brought some shit here to you. It's like getting it from the reaction videos is tough. It's tough. Yeah. But just find, maybe you can find like a TikTok or something like that.

So he had a meltdown? He watches his girl getting piped out. No. And like literal sex. And then he's running down the beach to go stop it. And then the host is going, Montoya, no. But he's literally running down the beach full speed. The cameraman's following him to go stop the guy who's banging his girl. He knows that the girl's getting banged out because he's watching it live. They're in the bed together. She goes on top of him. Oh my God. And you see the thrusting, pumping motion. We gotta get into this. They're adding the sound effects like that. Yeah.

Yeah. We got to watch this show. This is it right here? This is maybe one of the moments. He's had a... Yeah, here we go. Do we have audio? Yeah. Por favor. He's running on the beach. Cabrona. Oh, that's awesome. And then just every single clip that comes from this thing is just...

And then you got to meet the people that are banging your girl. Oh, my God. So they bring them like face to face. They start talking shit to each other. I mean, the show is like a train wreck. Let's see it. Let's see it. Oh, no, dude. All right, let's watch this. This is incredible. So he's watching. You've broken me, he says. Come on.

I love you, Ong. Oh, that's where those full clips are. On X, yeah. Okay. We all understood that. Dude. Is this guy with the British accent the video or that guy? No, it's the video guy narrating it.

Oh, here it is. Dude, this show is fucked up. It's just already... Look at it, look at it. Oh, you can hear the devastation in his head. Oh, shit.

I'm gonna cry. I don't know if I can watch this And it's only sensor for YouTube there, I can't believe we don't have a clip but he's clapping it on TV like no That's his girl yeah

Wow, she's pretty pissed. Oh, dude. She just mocks him when they go meet each other later. She walks up. Why is she so mad at him? Because apparently a girl was flirting with him, and then she got to watch that. So she's like, I'll just fuck this guy. And then the guy comes back, and they start talking shit. And he goes, dude, I took your girl in fucking three days. The guy who bangs her out, that guy right there, the guy who takes her, her name is Anita, he's risen her up for days, right? Yeah.

He goes, let's go to your room or something like that. And then she goes, yeah, you can sleep on the floor, whatever. And he goes, all right, yeah, sure, I'll sleep on the floor. And then something happens in the room, and then he goes, okay, have a good night. And she's like, yeah, you're leaving? He's like, yeah, you have a good night. And he walks out the room, and there's cameras everywhere. He walks out the room. This shit is swag. He walks out the room, right? Stands in front of the door, and he goes, no. No.

She opens the door, brings him into the room. It's unbelievable. It's one of the most amazing things you've ever seen in your life. Oh, my God. Because if she doesn't open that door, man, is that rough. Yeah. Like the whole, like you just count down. You're like, all right, I'm out of here. I guess I'll go back to my room now. Yeah. Holy shit. And this is just one couple. There's 10 different couples that all go through the exact same thing. So this is a global sensation right now.

It is the only thing on TikTok. Okay. How are you not telling me about this? But I'm on the dark side of TikTok. I don't see regular people things. Aaron the Plumber? You know about Aaron the Plumber? No.

Do you watch the Zeus Network at all? No. Oh, my God. You ever watch Tubi movies? Yeah, I'm in one. Are you? Yeah, that movie I did with Peter Dinklage ended up on Tubi. Oh, I love Peter Dinklage. Where I got that haircut. Yeah, I remember. The youth haircut. Yeah, that's great. Thank you. But yeah, Aaron the Plumber. Shout out Aaron the Plumber. This guy's fucking hysterical. So there's like this dating show and the Zeus Network is this, I think you got to pay for it, but it is just like...

it's as ratchet as it can be but this guy is a hilarious he's hilarious and he his whole thing was he's gonna go on this thing and basically i think the producer's got in his ear and they're like listen if you fight a lot you're gonna get a lot of screen time he's like all right it's on yeah every scene he's fighting he's talking to this trans girl he doesn't know that she's trans and he's trying to like flirt with her and then he finds out that she's trans afterwards

I saw a clip of this guy. I saw a clip of this guy. Yeah, yeah. Can you go to the fight and then his reaction to the fight? Yeah. So he fights with the trans girl. Right there. This man did not even hesitate. Second Riddler, bro. That was pretty fun. Like, you want to do it again? You want to go again? Come on, bro. We can get a crack. Come on, no. Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, shit. Oh. Fuck. Okay, it's because the reaction video sometimes cut it up. But basically, like... So he fucking wailed? So he was flirting with her on the bus. And, like, he's like, oh, give me a kiss or something like that. Because he thinks it's, like, a girl. He's trying to, like, make some, you know, he's on a dating show. So he's like, let's have some fun. He finds out, like, they bring him into this room where it's him and another dude. And then...

And then the girl, and now he's been notified that she's trans, right? So now he's a different energy. And he's trying to be polite, but he's, so, so he's using like certain words. He's like, he's like, yes, sir. Hello, sir. How are you? How are you doing? Whatever. And then she's kind of like antagonizing him a little bit. And, uh, bro, they start swinging. And then he has this reaction that is, he goes, he goes, and her man voice comes out. That's what it says here. It says the voice change is crazy. Oh, go, go, go, go, go.

Here it is. There's no volume. What's up? What's up, sir? Who you talking to? Hey, queen. Talking about some queen. You gonna be yourself today? You know what I'm saying? What? What you mean be myself? You gonna be yourself? Like, be yourself. Hey, man, you better watch how you talking to me, man. For real. What's the hostility? I don't know what you mean the hostility. You a man, right? A trans. Aaron, you keep calling me a man. You had to bring the man out. Now the man. Did you care about that when you were trying to kiss me? Trying to kiss you? Damn. Oh!

He goes right to a 10. Keep going. Keep going. Oh, shit. Listen to this.

Man, I thought a horse got impaled with a spear or something.

Yeah, he's too funny. Yeah, that's hilarious. I thought a horse got impaled with a spear or something. Holy shit. Okay, so you need to get on. You need to get on. We got some things to watch. Got Zeus. Zeus. And then the Temptation Island. You got to do it. And don't forget, when you're thinking of things to watch, Andrew Schultz, Life, is streaming now on Netflix. Real quick, before we go, there's one thing I have to bring up to you. Yeah. The...

This is when I knew you were really locked in on the internet stuff. I followed this guy who's like a tailor that sexually harasses. Oh, yeah. Come on. And I don't know why I follow him. I'm like, I don't know if this is a shtick or it's real. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? But I have a little Asian boy with the tightest ass or whatever. I'm like, this is hilarious.

And I follow him. And then I scroll and all of a sudden you're in the fucking video. I could, I must've sent that to like 20 people. I couldn't believe I might, maybe I even texted you. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. How does that even? Yeah. Rashan, that's at Sam's Taylor in Hong Kong. Hong Kong. Yes. So we had, we had found him like, cause we play clips a lot and we're like the same thing. We were like, this guy's hilarious. These are crazy clips. He's insane. And then,

My tour started last year in Asia. He hits me. He's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong. I go, yeah. He goes, bro. So he reached out to you because you'd played the clips. Because we'd played his clips and everything. We'd actually done a bit virtually. You know what I mean? Like over Zoom with him one time. We talked about something. And I'd sent measurements. They make, I mean, the last six US presidents got suits from them. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. That's so big.

And they have, that's the crazy, his dad, the dynamic that is so funny. Joe Biden is making his suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's making fun. His dad is like a very proper, polite guy. Okay. And he kind of reminds me of like, I like to upset my mom by doing shit. So he's sitting there doing shit and he's like,

You know, he's like, oh, you got tight ass. And his dad's like, huh? Like, what? And then, you know, he's like, I'll be like, oh, your wife's beautiful. He's like, she doesn't let me hit it anymore. And then his dad's like, hey, like, stop talking like that. You know, like he's being like, he's almost like provoking his father a lot, which is very funny.

So anyway, I tell him I'm coming to Hong Kong. He's like, you have to stop in. Our hotel was like two blocks from this place. Oh, I love it. And we come in and he gave me the full, he calls it the full treatment, like the service, the full service. And yeah, he just makes, this is like his genuine personality. He's a wild man. But the flip side is like some of these guys online, we've met like a lot of crazy guys and they do not have a skill set. Like there's nothing of value. He's an elite tailor. This is an elite, like-

Movie stars, all the best soccer players in the world. Yeah. Like they've all gotten suits from these guys. And then he's also this lunatic online. So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits. Okay. So it's a real thing. It's a real thing. Got it. And then, wow, I'm so surprised that like his family isn't worried about the risk. I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online.

maybe he doesn't realize how big it is he doesn't realize what's going on and he's probably like dad let me handle the social media like you don't know this shit dad's fucking 75 got it and then it's just yeah he's sitting there just being you know himself young so corny just yeah Pavarotti's there like I mean yeah there's it's literally an endless list like

He had this room in the back. There's George Bush right there. In the back, the dad was like, come see this. And then he stopped everyone with him. He's like, not you guys, him. And they were like, oh, okay. And he took me in the back. And in this frame, he had the...

the cloth selections of the U.S. presidents. Wow. And they're framed in the back. And he's like, yeah, I don't let, he doesn't even let people see it. So it's a specific cloth that he only gives them? To that, so like, this is Clinton's, this was Obama, this was Bush, and like, I just have it here and no one, and we don't give it to anybody else once they get it. Yeah. So once that cloth is there, that material, they don't make for anybody else? That's his, yeah. Wow.

Wow. Very cool. And I think it looked like George Sr. in the... In the shop, yeah. Yeah, pretty wild. I mean, it's so funny that the kid is just like a... He's so funny. This is a... Then we're out of here. Last thing I'll say, but very fun talking to you guys, is I saw this thing, like the oldest hotel in the world was this hotel that started in like 703...

in like Japan and it stayed in the same family for 52 generations. Wow. Which at the beginning you're like, wow, that's incredibly like impressive. Like look at how like resilient that family dynamic is. You would just bestow this business generation over generation and people continue to run it. Like it's the Vanderbilts can barely keep their money three generations. Like how the 52, but yeah,

one of the concerns I had about it with it is like within those 52 generations, there are a few guys that really want to be a standup comedian or they wanted to be a fucking samurai or they wanted to do whatever they, and they couldn't because that cultural rigidity, um,

And the nice thing is a lot of the people didn't have those dreams, but they had a lot of purpose that they had this thing that they could build. This is another thing like women being moms. It's kind of similar where it's like there used to be some nobility in being a cobbler and your father was a cobbler and you're a cobbler. And if you didn't have this dream to go out and do something else, you really had this thing that you could be proud of. And I think we've kind of moved away from that with dreamer culture a little bit.

But it's cool to see this guy who clearly wants to be funny and famous and antagonize and joke around, maintaining the legacy of his father. At the same time. Also having some fun. Yeah. And yeah, this is a, maybe there's like an interesting balance there. There is. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, there's every, you have every reason to believe that like he has kids that they're going to carry it on. Yes. Yeah. There's a lot of, a lot of pride in that, in that culture.

Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun. Like, congratulations. Thank you, friends. It feels fun, right? It's exciting that it's out. It's always like this. Yeah. It's conflicting. Sometimes you're a little nervous about it. You have anxiety. But it's also like a celebration. So are you staying in town tonight? I'm going to stay in town one more day. Then I get back. You can take some time off? Yeah. Like, I think I'll do press. I think I'll do press maybe for a couple more weeks. Yeah. Because I, yeah.

because I think you got to, you really got to get after, I think you can't just like sit on the algorithm and hope you got to make sure people know about it. But, but then I take time off. Like I, I need to, I wouldn't be able to think of this if I didn't take time off. Yeah. I find if I just tour without taking time off, I, I end up doing like a different version of the same jokes I was doing. Yeah.

Because I haven't let enough life change happen. Yeah. So I'm hoping that I take some time off and then a few months I start from scratch. That's the way it is. And it's humbling as fuck. It sure is. Just to go up there and like people are the most excited because you just came from your special. Yeah. So they're like, dude, this guy's hilarious. They bring all their friends. They're like, you know how fucking funny this guy is? And then you go up there and you're like...

I'm not that man anymore. No, I know. I already have tour-ending anxiety coming up. Because I know this tour is going to end, and I have to start at square one again. Will you take time off? Yeah. You've been touring for a long time with this tour. This one was 23. Or excuse me, started in 24.

So this is the second way to come together. Yeah. It's not, I'm coming everywhere. It's just a similar title. Got it. Okay. That's what I blended. Yeah. But yeah. Aren't you going to take a few months to just be like, okay, let's be done. Yeah. And end of this year is the end of this tour. Wow. Any plans for you guys?

Party? Vacation? Get ripped. Get faded. Yeah, definitely take a trip. Yeah. Polyamory. Fucking go to Spain, meet those people. You got to go on to Temptation Island. Same sex attraction. You're not running down the beach. You're just jerking off to the video. Give it to her. Hit it! Hit it!

Yeah. She likes to ride you that way. That's what we're about. I could not drop you off at the Latin house. No way. That would be a problem. You like the Latinos. Love them. Okay. On that note. Love. Thanks, Andrew. I appreciate you guys having me, man. Congrats on everything, guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you guys next week. Peace. Bye, Mommy. Hi, I'm Roxanne DePalma, and I want to know who out there is curious about eco-sex. What?

What? One, two, three, four. What the fuck? Tree bark. You should really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness.

What the fuck is ego?

Would you marry your grandson?

Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. What the fuck is eco-sex? Would you marry your grandson? Oh my God.