Airtight Abby | Your Mom's House Ep. 755
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Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more.

You're so handsome, Jeans. I love your shirt today. And your eyes match your shirt. And your arms look so fit. Look at you. Thank you so much. You're so handsome. Retarded. Thank you. Yeah, you know what? I had that clip in my mind this morning. She's retarded. She's retarded. Remember he explains that she's retarded? Yeah, I remember that. She's retarded. Yeah. Retarded.

You got a whole sheet with just that drop, huh? So many. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me a retard. I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer. Remember that scandal? The R word. She called me a retard? That was a huge debate. Is it a retard or retarded, remember? That's right. That was one of the first debates. You are completely retarded. Retarded. Retarded. Retarded.

Yeah, I mean, I'm looking for the one that you... I'm retarded. I'm not retarded. You think I'm fucking retarded? You're wearing reflectors, you retard. Are you retarded? Retard. Retarded. Retarded. Quickly and fully retarded. Fucking retarded.

I mean, the one that you want to hear. I know. She's retarded. It's on a bus. Yeah. It's on a bus. I want to say it's in the Bay Area. And there's somebody like an authority figure like chastising a woman. And the guy's like, she's retarded. She's retarded.

And then another guy on the bus is like, stop using that word. Meanwhile, she doesn't care. She definitely didn't care. She didn't even notice. And she's retarded in the way that your friends are. That's what the guy is saying. He's like, she's fucking retarded, man. You know what's so cool about those drops you just played is that that's 12 years worth.

It's a lot of work in here. Of drops. Yes. That's like so many years of finding this. It's pretty cool. It is very cool. Quick note. First of all, I can say this. Yeah. I set the attendance record in Seattle. You've probably seen it online, but I broke the record at Climate Pledge Arena. Nice. First, I jumped ahead of Bad Bunny. Okay. And then I jumped ahead of Chappelle and Chris Rock. Oh.

Come on, play the sound effects. This is a YMH exclusive. Team Jeans. Your jeans are so fucking high and tight. You outsold Chappelle and Chris Rock in Meat Rattle.

It's pretty crazy. Yeah. Meat rattle is a major mommy hub. I mean, I definitely did not expect that. That's pretty crazy. It's exciting. Yeah. So it's for all concerts. That's crazy, Jeans. Yeah. Pretty wild. It's a maze. It's exciting. And then I got the heads up that it might happen a couple more times in a couple other cities. Oh, my God. I know. For this dumb fucking guy who's just like farting your dad's mouth. Yeah. I know. I know.

Pretty crazy. And also, listen, you know, we just did an interview yesterday and I think it's,

Worth noting that, you know, we started the show when we were just newlyweds. 2010. Little babies. Yeah. Little broke-ass newlyweds. And we've grown with all you mommies all these years. All your genes have been with us. Yeah. So thank you, guys. We feel the denim in our hearts. Ticket information. There are limited tickets left for the show May 9th in Los Angeles at the Kia Forum during Netflix's The Joke Fest.

May 10th, I'll be in San Jose at the SAP Center. Limited tickets left for that. I should note that we've added second shows in St. Louis, Missouri. St. Louis tits. That's going to be Saturday, October 19th. And we added a second show in Richmond, Virginia on October 27th. Tickets and all information is at tomcigarette.com slash tour. What could Richmond, Virginia be?

I don't know. Fistman? I don't know. You're going to be also performing in Los Angeles. And on May 8th, you're going to be at the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever. This is the late show, the first show, the early show sold out. Now there's a cool guy.

And what else? Orlando, Florida, August 16th and 17th, 16th and 17th. ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets. That is exciting. There you go. You've been farting a lot at the house lately. A lot. Well, if you want to be candid about all of this, I've been training more. Training for what? I've been running almost every day.

But you think it's because of your running that's making you fart. But here's, Yana, I beg to differ because you and I both wake up and then immediately the farts start happening from waking up. I know, but I'm saying my digestive system is responsive to like the cardio work. I'm serious. Every time I do more cardio, I fart more, I shit more. It's cool. It's a cool thing that happens. And I've noticed that like, yeah. That's really cool.

That's really cool. Do you want to get into what you did this weekend? Why don't we open the show first? Sure, and then I want to tell the audience what you got into. Yeah. All right, here we go. A young lady pulled her pants down. She said she wanted me to eat the groceries, you know. And I was going to do it, but the thing is she had some tissue in her butt. Okay. It was tissue on both sides surrounding the butthole. And I just said, you know, it didn't stink or nothing, but just...

Just the sight of tissue let me know she ain't watching real good, so I decided to pass on eating the groceries. Who is Randy? Why do you have to play that? Don't bring anyone loving to this. So close. Good point. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pagitsky. Welcome to your mom's house.

I learned some new drum beats. It's so hard. Did you? Let me see if I can remember it. I can't even. It's hard to do when you're hearing other drums. I know. Let me try to drum this one. It's not. It's so hard. I have so many questions.

Why is it the grossest guys that want to eat? Want to. It was requested. She asked me to eat the groceries, which I got to say is a bold request. But are the groceries just the A? Yeah. That's the booty hole. What's the vag? Vag is the vag.

Then what's the euphemism for that? Just go down on me. The groceries are assholes. Yeah. Dang. You just learned this? Yeah, I didn't know that. I'm not in prison. Well, you knew that. I didn't. Yeah, because you remember that song I used to Juicy Juicy? I like it. Juicy Juicy. I eat that lunch. That's what that song's about.

Yeah. Wait, well, that's not the same song, is it? No, that's not the same song. But you used to say that, eat the booty like groceries. Yeah, but I never put this together anymore until now. I've really never put this together. This is not in my way of thinking. This is constant. Don't worry about it. So, but this is a good point. First of all, first of all, bold request. Bold. Because I feel like you should...

You're going to request that to somebody. You request it to somebody that like you've been with and has done that. Like that's a, I think you should reserve that for. You're so square. For special people. You're so square. Why? You know, you should do that on a first date just to know if you like it. No way. Yeah. How do you know that you're really into that chick unless you eat her groceries on the first date? Because it's, I would say it's always no on the first date.

Nerd alert. Am I right? I'm not fucking dark. I am not eating asshole. You would have eaten my asshole on the first date. You would. You liked me. I thought you would. Don't do that. Tootie face. Don't give me that Rudy Tootie. No, I don't think you do that on the first date. I really don't. I don't think you do.

I think you've got to have something to yourself that is special to you. Whatever. I'm serious. Times have changed, babe. When you and I were dating, that was a million years ago, 2005. People didn't eat assholes on the first date, and now they do. No, if you do that on the first date, you're, I mean, you don't deserve happiness is what I think. You don't deserve love. You don't. It means you're just willing to do anything for love.

On date one with anyone you just met? Yeah, and that sounds like a really nice guy that I want to pursue a relationship with. It's not. You should reserve it. But it tells me that he's really into me. That's so stupid. You can find out that he's into you in other ways. Yeah, but you want a lasting relationship, he has to toss your groceries. He does, but the whole thing is you want him to work up to that.

Potato, potato. And you should clean your asshole more. There should be little pieces of toilet paper there. Well, that's a given. I mean, that's a given. That's just the sign. Who's doing that? You're sending the sign. Because even though you know that's where she shits from, the toilet paper remnants are a sign, oh, hey, I just shit a little while ago. So, you know what I mean? Ugh.

Like, you can't just eat anyone's ass. You've got to save some things. Also, I mean, we use washlets, Toto, so we don't have this issue of, like, morsels in there. Yeah, but we're not always home. Yeah, but even I know... I took a dump in public the other day. Wow, let's go. You just threw yourself in the ring. Yeah. You just threw yourself under the bus. You're going to talk about it? If a nice young lady had met me back there right afterwards, she would have been like, hey, what is this stuff? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But before we get into this discussion. Yeah, let me get into ask this though to the booth. Will you just eat a booty on the first date?

Fuck no. No, no chance. I think it depends on where you think the relationship is going because if it's just a wild lady that you're kind of hooking up with, then you can do it kind of early. Yeah. But if you think there's a future, you want to hold that back. Right? Yeah. I think you guys are dorks and nerds and squares. Tanner raised his hand. Of course. Tanner lived in a shipping container. Yeah. It's the booty tight, the booty right. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Are you a first date booty eater? No. No fucking chance. No. And oh man, especially the fucking toilet paper. Toilet paper right there. That's gnarly. What would you do though? Do you actually say, no, you don't say something, but you just kind of just move away from it? Like just kind of casually flip her back on her back and just...

I mean, like if she's like requesting that, she's like, no, I need you. Like you gotta, you know, I would, I would definitely find a way to get us in the shower. I'd be like, we're going to shower. Oh yeah. Yeah. For sure. But here's the deal, man, is that this is a crevice that needs to be washed with soap and water. So even if the water just kind of trickles, you've got to find a way to get your soap pan in the asshole. I'll do it. Okay. If it's gotta be me that does it, I'll do it. But that ass is getting cleaned. If my tongue's going there, I don't give a damn. For sure. We ain't doing nothing.

I just think that like, no matter who you are, you got to save some things. Yeah, I agree with that. Whatever. Like you're some fucking, who are we talking to here?

This is like fucking sister Mary Nancy. I know. I'm a total square by today's standards. My goodness. But Yana, first of all, have you ever, and be completely honest here, have you ever wiped and then left shards behind of toilet paper and then discovered the shards hours later? I think this has happened to me a handful of times in my life. Yeah, where you find- A handful. It's a very rare occurrence because I'm very thorough. It's usually like where you shit-

And then later on, you're in the shower and you're cleaning yourself and you're like, oh. There's a remnant. You find something, you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. It's never been like sitting on some chick's face, been like, hey, what is that? Sitting on some chick's face. What is some chick? Which chick is this, you animal? Yeah.

You've never sat on my face. I've tried to. That is so vulgar and awful. Why is it awful? Just let me sit on your face once. Dude, your ass is so fucking gnarly. What if we go straight from the shower? Stop. We're not doing this again. I'm not discussing this with you. Why? I'm not getting into scrum licks because people start licking, start licking, start yelling at me in airports. Look, Tom Scrum. Look, Tom Scrum. So you want to do it straight from the shower? No.

No! Listen, I'm not doing this with you. It's disgusting. It's hot. It's too hot in there and it's too hairy and I don't like it. It scares me. The heat scares me. I don't like it. And I know what comes out of there. I hear you shitting in the morning and it's so awful. I've listened to your shits and farts for 20 years. Stop. So even if I clean myself? I don't buy your fucking crocodile dick. Don't even pretend. Can we tell the audience what you did?

- What? - On a shopping trip. - Yeah, what? - I think this is so vulgar and so rude. - Why?

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Okay, so we're going at the malls. How long are we at the mall, Annie? I mean, all day, I hope. All day. One would hope. One would hope all day. One would hope all day. One would hope all day. One would hope. Yeah. Go ahead. So we're at the malls, and Tom is doing his shoppings, and you feel a tug, like it's time to go around. Well, here's the thing. I tried on a couple...

clothing items. And I was like, huh? Yeah, I should probably shit pretty soon. And then I made my selection and I handed it to the, the employee and, um, they said, oh, okay. You know, they scanned it and they said, do you want this like in a box or a bag? I go, you just throw it in a bag and they go, okay, I'll be right back. And they left to put it in a bag, I guess, in the back. And as they did that, I'm standing there. Another employee came by who knew me

And he was like, hey, how's it going? And I said, oh, it's going well. And we just chatted for a little bit. And then I go, yeah, I'm going to leave here and shit for sure. So I said, hey, where's the nearest restroom? Is there one right outside, down around here? And he said, oh, you can use ours in the back. And I go, oh, great. So I followed him in the back where the employees go.

And then he showed me the restroom and then I went in there. I had a jacket on and so I had to take the jacket off and I realized they didn't have a hook in that room. So I just kind of laid it on top of the counter area. And then I took a power shit like pretty quick. I was like, don't take too long.

Luckily, it was pretty healthy. It wasn't a disaster gum. That's luckily. Yeah. Lucky. No, of course, no washlet. No. So I had to spit on paper. Oh, you spit? Yeah. Why don't you just use the, you said there's a sink. Why didn't you wet the- I had to get up to the, you know, so I cleaned myself as well as I could until I didn't see any more chocolate on the paper and flushed a few times.

And washed my hands. Both of them or just one? Both hands. Wow. And then I made my way back into the shopping area. Yeah. Hello, everybody. Okay. Can I tell you what's wrong? And by the way, I will say there was probably a hint of a scent. Yeah.

That's what I'm going to tell you, Yana. So I've worked in a few retail clothing stores and normally you do not let the customers take a shit in your employee bathroom because it's usually small, right? It's a small one toilet, one sink option where you just go to make number ones.

And I think it's completely wrong and vile and selfish to take a shit in the employee toilet because you totally blew it up. I know you did. It smells bad because I shit after you all the time and it smells horrible. This is how I walked back into the store. Oh my God. Oh my God. I said, how's everybody doing? Yeah. And you know they were talking about it. You know they were like, oh, you know Tom Seguro, the comedian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He took a shit at our store.

You know they're talking about it. And then you know what the rest of the people said who heard that? He's a man of the people. That's what real people do. They take shits.

I just think it's improper. Honestly, I would have gone to the department store because this was like in a mall with many options. I don't know if I could have the audacity. And by the way, historically, you hold on to your shits for like 20 minutes at a time. I don't know why you. You did solve the mystery pretty well because you asked me if I drank coffee. Yeah. And I told you I brought coffee into the store with me. I was drinking coffee. You were asking for it. Yeah. I was basically going, hey, asshole, I dare you not to shit. I dare you not to shit.

Yeah, you dared yourself. I did. That's crazy, dude. I think that's rude. Do you guys agree with me? Who's on Team Christina here? It's not rude. I would just be a little embarrassed about it. They kind of asked for it. No, because he was a nice guy. He knows Tom and he likes Tom. Yeah, but if you really know Tom. Then you know he shits. Touche. I think he wanted it low-key.

He might be like our aviator friend, you know, our aviation friend. If you don't mind, next time, if you could leave the door open when you go in there, if you don't mind, so I can hear and smell what's happening in the moment. Oof.

You are so nasty. Yeah. You're so proud of yourself. I'm proud of myself. You do look handsome in this blue. Thank you. I think you need to wear this color all the times. Thank you. Thank you. Thank ya. So this is very exciting. I want all to come. You know how we have been getting. Stop. I know what you're going into. She's getting. Here's the original. Oh, yeah. It's all I can think about. We've been getting emails. Oh, yeah.

constantly about people going airtight, men and women who have participated in airtight experiences. And you know why? Because now they eat each other's assholes on the first date. It's 2024. Get with the times, Tom. It's wrong. You save that. You save that for somebody you care about. No, just save it for somebody you give a shit about. Don't just give that away. All right.

We got this email. We've had a series of them. Just to remind people, this one is from a lady named Abby. And she emailed us that while she was traveling Europe and at the peak of her slut time, she met a professional soccer player from Africa and decided to meet up with him and other players who said they wanted to fuck her at the club.

She got in a cab with these three large athletic men, went back to an apartment at 3:00 in the morning, and she said it was huge dicks and she had to entertain them. And there was another person waiting there. She switched positions and called upon all the women who had embraced interracial gangbanks before her. She was in doggy, one in the ass, one below her, one in the mouth, one in her hand.

And anyways, she was really, really, and I think I voiced some doubt as to the authenticity of the email. Well, you felt the phrasing was real masculine. I did. And it was like real jokey, which is usually the way men write things in these situations. It didn't feel horny enough is what you're saying. And also didn't feel like it felt like almost like too much.

You know when they go like the detail is like sort of specific in a way that you go, I feel like this is just somebody fabricating a story. It doesn't feel like. It didn't feel real. Yeah, it didn't feel real. It didn't feel genuine. She didn't color a picture enough for us. And men usually joke in these stories, which is why you go, that's a guy. Because they like, it's just joke, joke, joke, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, the fellows followed up and found out that it's indeed a real girl.

She wants to talk to us about it. I'm so fucking stoked. Real hero of the people, Abby. So we are going to... Go on.

uh stop down here for a second holy shit dude and then we are going to give her a call so just give us one moment so nervous to talk to her so are we ready we're gonna talk to a living legend i'm so scared this is gonna be i've never talked to somebody that's been airtight have you let's go here we go like a regular person not an adult film star hello hello abby

Hi. Hey, it's Tom Segura. I'm here with Christina. How are you? Hi, Abby. I am absolutely great. How are you guys? We're doing well. We're recording, just so you know. You're on your mom's house podcast. Thank you so much for taking the call. Oh, absolutely happy to. Abby, this is the most exciting interview we've done in ages, so thank you so much. Well, this is the most exciting interview I've ever done in my life, so...

Abby, we are the country, the audience, everyone has been captivated by the story. And yes, I did voice some disbelief when I read the initial email. So I apologize. I heard.

And the reason is also sort of a compliment. It's that it was written in such a funny way that I was like, this is written by a guy. So I apologize because I'm so used to reading stuff that guys write that are usually just filled with jokes. And yours was very, very funny. So I was like, this can't be serious. But you are serious.

I'm totally serious. Walk us through it. Do you mind if we all together jump back to that evening and go through some of the details?

Absolutely. I will hold your hand through that journey. So you are at the time you're visiting Europe. You are in college or you're out of college? I'm in college. You're in college. As you mentioned in your initial email, this is your peak slut time. Is that correct? That is correct. So you're just you're you're like figuring things out. You're trying things. You're you're you're sexually somewhat promiscuous.

I'm doing everything, anything and everything. Okay. And you're, you're trying things. And so you're out what type, what country or what city, or if you can say, what area are you in in Europe when you, when you have this, this encounter? I am in the north of. Okay. Okay. And you had gone out with your sorority sisters, right? Are you, are you? Yep. So it's like a, it's a weekend kind of night, like a fun night out.

Every night's a fun night out. They party every night till 6am. It's crazy. Okay, so you're out you're partying. And then are when do you get the the idea to go ahead on get on Tinder and see if someone wants to meet up?

Like right at the beginning of the trip, I have been a school had been out for like a month. I had been doing nothing but Tinder at home. So I figured I might as well make it an international affair. Gotcha. So hold on. Was the Tinder request for a lot of dudes at once or just one dude? No, it was just a very normal Tinder profile. OK, so you see this guy, handsome guy. And do you know that he's a soccer player? And like, is it in his profile?

You can kind of tell he's got like athletic pictures with some like really professional type photos, but he doesn't outright say it. Got you. But it came up pretty quickly. You know, you're getting an athletic person. So definitely. Yeah. Okay. So when you guys finally connect and you're like, okay, we're leaving the club. Are you leaving alone to meet this guy? Like, how do you actually know? Okay. So what happened was we talked for like a day or two and we,

Oh, wow. Yeah, we made plans to meet up at the club. I had some little bit of safety in mind in there a little bit. And so we decided I would like meet up with him at the club and see how the vibe was. If I was into it, I would go back with him. If not, fuck it, you know? Yeah. So how was he? Like, was he pretty cool when you met him?

Yeah, he was super sweet, really like fun and vibrant, interesting kind of person. And he had brought his friends with to the club, two of them. So he OK, so he has his friends. You're with your friends. Yeah. The night goes on. And then how about when it's time to like, let's get out of here? What what is that like? Well, basically, he asked me, he was like, you know, they're all here.

I know you think they're cute. You know, what do you want to do? Do you want to come back and maybe we could all have fun? Wow. That is a bold request. Hold on. He's African? Yeah, he's African. So he's got like a cute African accent? I don't know if I would call it cute. I would call it very heavy and hard to understand. Okay. So he's like, my friends are cute.

Yeah. Do you want to have fun, all of us together? Yep. Okay. So... Wait, hold on. Can I also paint a picture? So what do you look like? If we just, you know... Yeah, so at the time, I was like... I'm definitely like slim, thick kind of body, you know? And...

So I have like long or no, actually at the time I had like a Bob, a Brown Bob, but really good with makeup, really like cute tight skirt, like heels, you know, black, like lingerie top, all good stuff. Nice. So the, okay. So he's like, would you come back? And then you were like, okay. So you were down. Yeah. So wait a minute. So you're down. Like you hear that, uh, that offer. How do you feel about it in the moment when he says, how about the, all of us go have fun?

He had like hinted at it, but not outright said it earlier. So I was kind of expecting it. Wow. And honestly, it was on my bucket list. So I was like, fuck it. Let's do it. So now do you separate from your friends? Do you go ladies? Okay. And are they worried? Because a lot of times. They are absolutely out of their mind terrified. Okay. Now I believe your story. So your friends are like, y'all leaving with three black eyes. Yeah.

yep there was one of my friends was so drunk she was just like are you sure are you sure you're sure you're sure are you sure and you're definitely my other friend was like straight up trying to talk me out of it and i was like no i'm doing this here's one other question i have how inebriated are you when you when this is like when you're saying yes i'm going with you i'm sober enough to consent okay so you've had some drinks but you're not like shit-faced

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No, I'm not shit-faced. I very much... Because I kind of had a feeling where the night was going to go, so I didn't want to be way too drunk, you know? Yeah, sure. So, okay. So, what, you get into a car, a cab, or whatever...

And you're driving home. It's you and like three African guys. Yep. Me and three African guys in this guy's cab. So wait, is it getting frisky in the cab already? Oh, absolutely. Oh, it is. So you're like, you guys are like hands on each other. You guys are getting some hands, a little bit of kissing, nothing too crazy. The cab driver was definitely freaked out. Okay. And, and you're, and you're the kissing and a little bit of kissing is going between different guys, right? Yeah.

Yep. Okay. So it's obviously setting the mood for what's going to, like it's being suggestive of what's going to happen. Oh, at that point I fully understand what's going to happen. Okay. So Abby, may I ask you woman to woman, were you ranking these gentlemen on like who gets first position? Of course. Yeah. So she's already determined. Yeah. Who's going to be in my vag? Who's going to be in my A? Who's going to be in the mouth? Wow. Are you thinking this far ahead? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. And so can I ask you this? What's the primo spot for you? Yeah, what's your fave? What's number one going to? I mean, I need to make sure everyone looks, smells, and is clean before final decisions are made. But honestly, it was about, you know, a lot of it was the face.

You know, one of the guys just didn't have a great face, but his body was really nice. So where would you put him? He's in the back. Okay. I don't have to see his face. So and then the other two, I kind of let them decide a little bit more what they wanted. Okay. So wait, so we get when we get to the place, does the physical like, does it just kind of start right away? There's no like need to like waste any more time, right?

Pretty much, yeah. I mean, we're like chit-chatting, you know, basic information, kind of like surface level shit, you know? But it pretty much starts right away. And then that's when the fourth guy comes out of nowhere. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Right. Oh, my God. So the fourth guy, he was there. Now, what's your impression of this fourth gentleman? He definitely isn't on the team because he's way shorter than them. Uh-huh. And he's not as cute. Mm.

And he tells me his name is Billy. He tried to tell me his real name, but I couldn't pronounce it. So we went with Billy. Okay. And what did you have in mind for Billy then since he's not hot? He can be a sideline addition. So he was mostly just like Hans. We fucked a little bit, but it wasn't, it just wasn't as good. So he was like...

But you, I mean, the nice thing was you didn't go, Hey man, get back in that room. Yeah, no, I was really inviting. Yeah. That's very nice. Cause I can, I can picture what it's like to be the Billy. Oh my God. Me too. You walk out and you're like, hello. She's like, get the fuck out of here. So, so when things start, have you like, Oh, so these guys, they all use condoms. Yeah. And yeah,

Do you kind of like, you know, they're all naked now. You're kissing. You know, you're obviously like, you guys are warming it up to it. And then do you kind of like, you know, do you tell the guy, okay, like you get over here? Yeah, do you conduct traffic? The guy I had met initially definitely had like alpha energy. So he was directing a lot, but I was also directing. But I would say like at the beginning, yeah,

It was more him than me. And then once I got a little more comfortable, it was mostly me. Yeah. Let me ask you another question. Woman to woman. Had you had anal before this? No. Wow. So this is your first time. Wow. Yes. Okay. So let's talk about that. I was absolutely terrified because I didn't do any like prep work. I'm not. Yeah. Oh, shit. Were you afraid that you would do do all over them and stuff? I was afraid of everything.

Anything you could think of that could go wrong was absolutely running through my head. Tearing, doo-doo. All of the everything. So, okay, so how did it go? So what goes in where first? Yeah, what's first? I'm trying to remember what exactly was first. This is five years ago, so I'm trying to be as accurate as possible. Probably BJ's, right? Probably BJ's to warm up? Yeah, definitely BJ's first. It was my first experience...

Having a condom blowjob. I've never done that before. They wanted that or that was just kind of. They wanted that. Yeah. And I was like, sure. Oh, and these are like, I mean, we can say there's a stereotype that black men have big dongs. And according to you, these were huge.

Huge. All of them. All four of them. Huge. All four huge. Good job, Abby. Even the ugly one. Yep. Even Billy. Old Billy had a big dong. Billy big boy. Yeah. So they all, and so you're blowing the four guys. Yep. And they're all huge. And then I think we started, and then we started like vaginally was first. And we just kind of did like a little Eiffel Tower moment, you know? Yeah.

And then after that, things started to get a little bit more intense because we wanted to incorporate all four guys at once, you know? That's wild. It is wild. This really is like movie, like porno stuff. Like you don't normally see or most people don't have a story like this. That's the truth. Yeah.

So, but hold on. Are you able to relax and enjoy any of this or is it just so overwhelming and overstimulating? You know what I mean? Like when you're in something, usually you don't have time to like, oh, this is great. Like, are you relaxed enough?

It was somewhere in the middle. There was a huge part of me that was really enjoying it. I was like, I'm knocking something off my bucket list. This is going to be a great story. I knew to tell my friends. I was like, this does it felt OK. I wouldn't say it was the most like elating physical experience because it was just so intense. Yeah. But the intensity itself was kind of something I was after, you know? Sure. How did the guys finish? I mean, did they all finish in their condoms?

They all finished in their condoms. Yeah. Except for, no, no, no. Except for one of them who wanted to like full on cum shot everywhere. So we did that for him. Nice. But that was it. Yeah. Otherwise it was finishing in the condoms. Made my life easier. I have to ask this because we might be jumping ahead. But when you tell your friends, I imagine they're like, what the fuck? What do your friends say when you tell them the story? Yeah.

So the one who was like way too drunk when I got back in the morning, she was passed out asleep in our Airbnb. But the other one had stayed up the whole night waiting for me. She loves me. Yes. True love. She's my best friend. And she was like, all right, what the fuck happened?

And I told her and she was proud. She was proud. Yeah. She was like, way to go. She was like, you know what? You're here. You're alive. Yeah. No harm. You made it back to tell the tale. But let's walk through the tale again. So, so what happens when a dong goes in your A and your V at the same time? So we tried anal by itself first with like the first guy that I had been talking to and we tried it in like missionary and it hurt so bad. Yeah.

I was like, absolutely not. No red flags everywhere. Absolutely not. Yeah. So I switched to doggy, which I found out later is like, I made such a rookie mistake by starting in missionary. Apparently a doggy is where it's at. Oh, um, and it was way easier. Yeah. Yeah. All the professionals in the gaze say that. Yes. Um, yeah. So then you could say, and it made it a lot easier. And did you do the thing where you're sitting on, uh,

one guy like cowgirl and then a guy is, is, uh, anally in you as well. Yeah. Yeah. That is, Hey, that's a fucking, that's huge. Advanced move. Yeah. Abby congrats. And for being 19 without porn experience, I think I did a pretty good job. Amazing. Did you have that? And then one in your mouth also?

Yep. And one in the hand. And one in the hand. I mean, she got airtight and then it had a bonus dog. I know. That's so hard. That's such good work. That's so crazy. Wow. Was Billy the hand work? He was. Yeah. Hey, Billy, you still get a hand. I'd still be like, yeah, yeah, it's cool. I'll just, I'll take some hand work. So did you? We did fuck.

for a little bit. Yeah, that's nice. He got a little something. Okay, so then I'm so obsessed with this anal stuff. So when you guys are done, did you, were you afraid like, oh God, did I brown everywhere? Um, no, because like during, I kind of felt like I would have felt it. Yeah. And I didn't feel anything, which, you know, is risky, but,

it felt good no one was saying anything nobody smelled it that is a that's a crazy like if you were to meet like new girlfriends and you guys are all having a glass of wine and you go I got a pretty cut I'm telling you like so many women would be like oh my god this chick is such a savage so did

Did you have any more comparable stories like this since then? Yeah. Wow. Not to that level. Yeah. I think that's probably the peak, but I have a few that are pretty damn close. Like what? Threesomes? Well, I had a threesome with twins. Conjoined or regular? Identical, but regular. Identical. You had a threesome with identical twins? I did. Wow. Stop.

How great is that? And one of them was way better than the other one, which I thought was hilarious. Oh, and let's talk about their dongs. Were their dongs identical as well? They are. One of them was like slightly bigger. The one that was better, maybe it was my own biased perception because I thought he was better than maybe I thought he was bigger. But I think his was a little bit bigger. Wow. And how did you meet the identical twins? Tinder. And were they weirded out by each other? Yeah. No, it was their idea. Wow.

That's insane. That was another bucket list thing. They asked me and I was like, no one else is going to have a story like this. Absolutely. I will do that. And so both at the same time. And like, so they did like vag and mouth and everything. Yeah. Wow. And they're looking at each other. It's like looking in a mirror. Basically. Yeah. Weird for them, but not my problem. Yeah. But then, but you, yeah.

That's definitely not your problem. But you liked one of them more. That's interesting. Yeah, definitely. But was it, what was, was the excitement having like, cause with Tom, I would love to have double the Toms, you know, was, was there that, like they were, were there hot?

They were hot, yeah. And they were both studying to be neurosurgeons. Oh, hell yeah, dude. By the way, we just outed them. There's not that many fucking identical twins that are neurosurgeons right now. Yeah. They're never going to hear this. Congratulations, doctor and doctor. But you said you think one was slightly bigger, but usually identical twins down to the shapes of their fingers are exactly the same. Right.

Yeah. So it could have been my bias because one of them was better, but better in that his, his movement, like the way that he, you know, the rhythm, the touch, the skill, all of it was better. And then he just seemed way more experienced. I want to ask you this, Abby, what's Abby up to today? Today you survived today. I am semi-retired. Okay.

From what? Slut operations? From being a slut. Okay. Okay. I still come out of my shell once in a while for something really worth it. Sure. But most of all, I kind of just like stick to myself. I got a dog and he helped center me a lot. Are you in pursuit of a long-term relationship? You know, I am. I'm looking to bring my skills to a singular partner and let them enjoy the fruits of my labor. Yeah. That's awesome. I think that would be great. Yeah.

But it's fun that you've lived such a life. You've had so many fun experiences. And not only that, that your escapades got you all the way to YMH. Yeah. I'm so glad you shared your story. What compelled you to share your story? You know, I love you guys so much. And I was always hoping a story of mine would come to some kind of delightful fruition to serve me one day. And I was listening to the airtight stories. And I was like, you know what?

Fuck it. They might not read it. They might, but at least it'll be out there. And at least I told my story. Well, this is an incredible story, Abby. So thank you so much for messaging and for talking to us. We thought this was going to be a five minute chat. It's at 25 minutes. So thank you so much. Right. A book, Abby. Well, big hug, big hug. And I hope we get to meet you in person someday. And maybe I would love to, when you're in, if you have six or seven African gentlemen with you, they can all come to the show.

Deal. Okay. Big hug. Thanks, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Thanks, you guys. Bye. Bye-bye. Well, I'm glad Abby's okay. I'm glad she shared the story. That was really incredible stuff. I know. What's wrong? No, I just burped. Yeah. Feel good? Yeah. I think we need to take a break. Everyone needs to decompress. Yeah, we need to. That was a lot. I feel like I had three guys and then a fourth guy named Billy in my hand. Yeah.

I'm going to take a quick second to gather myself. Billy Big Dick over here. Okay. We'll be right back. And we're back. I'm just reeling from Abby's fantastic story. Do you wish you would have gone airtight before we got married? I do. I wish I could go back with like a couple of my good friends and just...

Plugged up some sweet little girl like that. Yeah, me too. Some college sophomore. You've got great male friends. I do have some good friends. I think you'd only strengthen your relationship to see all of them come. The bond. The bond. Well, they say there's no bond like when you work with a group, you know? Yeah. Team work. Like you can have drinks with someone and you go, we're bonding. No, no. If you go on an adventure. Mm.

If you actually put in work together, that is where bonds are really formed. So true. That's why platoons and people that partake in these really hard challenges. So I think that group of guys that plugged up Sweet Ol' Abby, I mean, they're probably to this day. Thick as thieves. Thick as thieves. Well, and also for her, she has the memories to cherish for a lifetime. I mean, you must have been daydreaming. A lot of times.

about that one during the call, right? Oh, I was licking my chops the whole time. Yeah. She was telling the story. It was like penthouse for him. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Yeah. They were really nice guys. Really nice. I would have imagined rougher types doing it, but these guys were like...

I don't think it was covered in the call, but she wrote in that they were like, can we feed you? Can we cook you something? Well, Tom, you catch more flies with honey. Yeah. It's easier to lure women into this stuff. But you catch more honeys being fly. You know what I mean? Matt Fulcher. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Do you think, Tom, I was watching this movie a long time ago called Wings of the Dove, Wings of the Dove, Helena Bonham Carter, one of my gay English movies. Yeah.

Picture this, Tom. Picture this shit. Go ahead. It's the 1800s. I'm from a wealthy home. I've got money. Okay. But I'm in love with you and you're just a poor journalist. Okay. We can't marry unless you have money. Okay. Okay. Now there's this friend of mine who's really, really rich and she's dying. Okay. Okay.

Now, I'm seeing this coming together. All you have to do is bang her out as she's like on her way out. Like give her, give her a nice time. Like the last month or two of her life. She will likely leave you her fortune and then we can get married. Okay. Do you think you can do it without falling in love with that other lady? Well, she's dying. So what does that matter? What if she's an exceptionally cool person? I mean,

I think you go into it with knowing that you're not going to fall in love because the person's about to die. But then what if she's, but then what if, but hold on, what if, because she's dying, she does stuff with you that me, I never do. Like, what if she's like, I, I'm going to lick your scrum all day, every day. Cause I'm dying. I know, but she's, that's the thing is like, who cares? She's going to die.

You really think you can divorce your feelings? From a dying lady? Yes. Yeah, I do. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and do it. Where do I sign? But here's the deal, man. Spoiler alert. The movie's been out since 1988. So he falls in love with the dying lady. With the dying lady? But then what? Doesn't she die? She dies. But then so Helena Bonham Carter, there's this great scene. She goes to see him because he comes back to England, right? From Italy where they were romancing the dead lady. Yeah. And he doesn't call her.

And she's like, she shows up at his office and she knocks on the door and he doesn't answer right away. And she's like, oh, did you not hear me knocking? And he's like, no, I guess not. And then they start to get, she tries to seduce him. She gets naked. She gets on top of him. And she's like, and he's like not into it. And she's like, well, what, you know, tell me, do you think, can we still get married? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, but are you in love with her? And he's like, well,

quiet and she's like, are you in love with a memory of her? And he was. - And he was. - And that was the end of the movie. They couldn't be together 'cause it had destroyed them. - It destroyed them. - The money.

So did she leave him everything? Yeah, she did the dead lady left him left him everything house. So she was very sick Yeah, she's like terminal. She's real pretty too and young and and so what did they do with their time together? I mean, isn't that in the movie? Yeah, they go to Italy because she wanted to die in Venice as opposed to like being sad and stuff And they went out at night and he was very reluctant. He was like I'm in love with Helena Bonham Carter. Not you and

He told her that. No, they trick her because she does it like, no, it's a trick. It's a ruse. But he fell for her anyway. He fell for her anyway because she was so pure and sincere and loving and stuff. And she probably licked his ass the way Helena Bonham Carter never did. I doubt it. But it sounds like Helena was the...

Was the real loosey-goosey in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, she was very open. She couldn't woo him with that, though. It was all about the pure love that he felt. Yeah, and then he was just in love with this because she was such a pure soul. She really was like a nice lady. Well, let's give it a shot. Let's see what happens, you know? Let's see. I mean, what if it's this lady? I would make sure she was ugly. My body has been looking so good lately. I've been working so hard, eating so much, and it's really starting to pale, don't you think?

Love it. I will say her foundation's too dark on her face. It doesn't match the body. It is because you see the contrast, yeah. That's the biggest problem for me. I don't know that that's the biggest problem, but it's certainly one of the issues. I like that she says, and I've heard this in other videos like this, I've been working really hard. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's hard to eat every hour. She drinks weight gain shakes constantly to become fatter, calls herself a happy, healthy queen. Cool. Yeah.

She's like I'm getting bigger don't you think it's awesome. It's cool. How about this Morphea can work in different ways She's like don't I look great listen I it's hard for me because she's got a fucking burt belly if I didn't care at all how I looked this is exactly who I would be because I can eat all the time I literally have to like up my dose of ozempic not to eat through it all the time. We're crisis fat. Oh my god He's so fat. Is he still super fat?

No, he's definitely. Is he this fat? He was pretty big. He was this big before, but I think he's probably down to, he's probably at least 25 pounds less than her. 25?

That's true. That's not a lot for dudes. Like a girl loses five pounds and it's like noticeable. You wouldn't notice five on her. No, I know. She would just have to stop drinking soda and she would lose like 10 pounds at this point. Yeah. That's how I looked pregnant. I was our first kid when I gained like 200 pounds. Yeah. It's definitely. And like, why wear the thong? She's got a thong on. She should just wear a full flavors. Why are you trying to jazz that up?

Oh, that. He's just talking about how fat he is. But yeah, this is, this is a, this is a whole, it's crazy that this, the human mind is just so fascinating. This is totally arousing to some people. Yeah. Watching a woman gain tons and tons of weight and they're just like, oh, they're just worked up over it.

By some people, you mean men. Just like a small group of men. Well, I'm saying that some men are like very... Women, you'll see, they go, I like a bigger guy. Yeah. That's like... I love it. Yeah.

Men, there's men who are like, I love, I'm aroused by a woman gaining a few hundred pounds. It's just, it's so fascinating. So hot. How it works, like how the mind works like that. I don't get it. No, it's connected to their schmeckle. But our brains are just so cool. I bet you didn't know that Kurt Cobain was probably trans. Here's why. First off, Kurt wore a lot of women's clothing. And when asked about this, they replied,

that they wore dresses all the time because they felt comfortable and free. Just look at Kurt in these pictures. They look so happy. And in an interview about their childhood, Kurt said that they mostly hung out around girls and that at one point they thought they might be gay. Many trans people who don't have the vocabulary yet to express their gender identity will describe what they're feeling as being gay. That's exactly what I did in middle school.

I think it's also interesting that this person chooses to give Kurt Cobain they, them pronouns. I know. They said they were like their...

It's so gay. And like, okay, so then is David Bowie trans? Robert Smith trans? Kurt is also quoted as saying that they identify more with the feminine than with the masculine. So did Prince. This is clear proof that Kurt did not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. And the most convincing evidence that Kurt was trans was in an early version of Nirvana's All Apologies lyrics where Kurt wrote, let me grow some...

That is clear-cut gender dysphoria. And of course, Kurt will never be able to tell us themselves, but the evidence makes it pretty obvious they were trans. That might be why Kurt's no longer with us. No. Maybe Kurt knew that we weren't ready. Bitch, you weren't even alive. Like, this person is not even alive when Kurt was alive. Like, what are you talking about? You didn't even fucking... Get out of here. Wait, is this person trans? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Well, I just can't tell you. So I follow. Can I tell you why I don't like this person? I'll tell you straight up. They go they go to restaurants. Are you listening? Yeah, I know. I know. And all they do is wait for like the sweet busboy to misgender them and then become righteously indignant. You mean this? She her. Yeah.

It's okay. It's all good. But it was not all good. Oh, boy. I use she, her pronouns. I'm not sir. Yeah, like, it's like a knife in the heart. Okay. Hey, man. It's like a knife in the heart. Yeah. Fucking look at me and you say he like you're a fucking asshole. You know that? You gotta try a little bit better. Yeah, you gotta try. You gotta make some more. I don't look very good without makeup on, but I still put... I put the makeup on, so I don't get called sir. I...

I push these little hairs in my face every day just to make it look like I have a beard. I take hormones to stay a lady, you know? You know what really does bother me is that this person gets mad at like...

the sweet immigrant who doesn't even think in terms of like, you know what I mean? They don't have pronouns in that person's country. Right. It's like Rudy, the Salvadorian bus boy, like the guy who gets paid the least in the restaurant, but he works the hardest and he's always got a good attitude. And this cunt is like, it's, it's she, it's she, her. Like it's,

It's not that clear to Rudy. There's a lot of people who don't honestly, who don't know what a pronoun is. No, of course. This is not, this is first world stuff, man. It's not even, there's a lot of, I mean, I've seen videos where they go, what's your pronoun? And the guys like, I mean, I like fish. Like people don't all operate on this bandwidth. No, this is silly. And I think at least my sources in England tell me that my English friends are like, yeah, we're not having this pronouns.

on stuff really they're not into it either this is this is not not happening yeah only america it's fucking it's bananas it's just so silly yeah i have so much to say but i won't okay well maybe i'll say it at live shows maybe what you need is to kind of reevaluate how you're traveling these days oh okay in case you guys didn't know about this amazing hack

That's a hack. You can bring coconuts on the airplane. It's a hack. I don't like to drink water in airports. Yeah. Yeah. You can't get water through security. Sure. But you can bring coconut water on the airplane. It's easier. Get a coconut. Coconut water is a great source of magnesium, manganese, all kinds of good stuff. So hold on. Send.

10 coconuts in there. Do you have clothes? I'm going to have to drink on this plane. And I've got meat. So I got some burgers. The empty bag with coconuts. Regular burgers. How do you travel? And I'm bringing it on the plane. So that's how I travel. What a dumb cut. What a fucking psycho. Not only that, do you know how hard it is to poke a coconut? You need a knife. Yeah, what are you doing on the plane? You're like...

Flight 10's like, excuse me. He's like, I'm just getting my coconut ready. Hold on. He needs a knife to put a hole in it. So how the fuck is he going to bring his knife on? He's got a creep look in his eye. I feel like that's what he'd say right before he puts a fucking straw through your throat. I hate this so much. Well, and only to like, bitch, you can't survive like a two hour thing.

thing of drinking just water. Also, I don't like to drink water in airports. What do you mean? What are you talking about? You can buy like Avion at the airport. You can't. He's like, I don't like to do that. It's not good enough. It's easier to bring 10 coconuts on the plane. Like a fucking moron. God. What a crazy person. I hate him so much. And I hate his stupid shoes.

I hate him. I hate this. I hate it. I'm so angry. Yeah, just bring, it's more practical, a bag full of coconuts on it. But it should be illegal. He should be thrown in a mental hospital, a mental institution. Wait, who's worse, this guy or the last guy or girl? Oh, the last they, them.

You know why? I'll tell you why. If this doesn't ruin people's lives, like that person going to restaurants and actively getting like hardworking immigrant people fired because of your mental fucking dysphoria, that's on another level of inconsideration. This is just annoying and silly. But imagine you're next to him on the plane. Oh, and he's fucking popping coconuts. And he's eating meat that he...

reheated and brought from home heart and he's telling you about it he's definitely telling you because there's no way you don't you can't not engage because even with your headphones on you're like fuck is that he's like I make my own beef heart at the house and you're like oh great and then try to cover back up and then he's like what the fuck's going on oh I brought these coconuts do you want one

So do you think he does it so that people talk to him and ask him? I mean, he definitely likes that. He does it for the attention. You know, he likes, I think he's a super healthy guy. He looks great. Yeah. He's, he's very healthy. Cause I, I, I had the crazy idea to bring a heating pad on my last flight. Cause I get so cold in the morning.

And I was like, what if I just, but I'll tell you what I did. I put it in my carry on and it was right in front of me and there was a plug. I could have done it, but I was so mortified at the me being the idiot that I'm pulling out my heating pad and plugging it in and being that guy that I didn't do it. You got to do that. Cause that's a new level of crazy. You got to start doing that.

You should. You should do that. That's what I thought. I was like, oh, I should stop myself. It's totally insane. Someone's going to see and tell people. And Christina's out of her fucking mind using. Okay. But I'm so cold on these flights. I already am wearing my zip up, you know, fucking jackets, my parkas. I'm cold.

So we've made fun of Disney adults, the ones who spend their times at the park. But this is such a funny clip. I had to show you this. This has one of the actresses who was in...

Her name is Miriam Margolis. She's known as Professor Sprout from the Harry Potter series. Is that a Harry Potter scarf? Yes. Yes, indeed it is. Well, I wouldn't have known. I didn't know that. You're in the film. I'm not unhappy about it. I just think that it's for children. And if your balls have dropped, then it's time to forget about it. You know, go on to other things. Miriam Margolis. I really don't remember.

No, seriously. It's a great series. It's a wonderful set of films. I'm proud I was in it. But it was 25 years ago. You know, grow up. I love it.

I love it. And he's like, I'm fucking Gryffindor. I wore my Gryffindors. I'm team Gryffindor. You fucking... You know what's probably happened to this poor woman? Yeah. Is that people have written her letters like, please officiate my wedding. Oh, everything. How do I make a spell to make...

She's like, okay. Yeah. What's the spell to make my cock grow bigger? Yeah. You know that she's getting just so much shit. Yeah, so she's like, have your balls dropped? I mean, that's pretty aggressive, you know? Oh my God. Yeah, she's had enough. She's had enough. That's too much. She's like, is that why you brought me on here to talk about fucking Harry Potter again? She's so over it. And I always like how the female host of these chat shows gets super embarrassed. And she's like, oh, Paul heard that before. Oh, Mary, I'm...

feigning like she didn't have balls in her mouth this morning with her husband or, you know, like these people have never given birth or taken a shit and they're like, they're just so above it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me, it's crazy. The feigning of like, oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Don't you hate that shit? Of course. But all morning shows, it's a blueprint and they just plug people in to do, they all do the same thing. There's nothing. Who can watch these fucking morning shows? It's somebody who, they like it because it's just, it's manufactured, right? Those people don't all feel like that. And they're like, good morning. It's another great day out here. And we have such a great program for you today. We're going to learn how to make the strawberry shortcake. Yeah.

Yeah, and they all come in with that, like, it's manufactured energy. But I think some people see that and they go, this is the bright spot of my day, like seeing these people be this happy. Be phony. Yeah, because they see it as just happy. I just, to me, it makes me so angry because I know how...

fake and disingenuous. But also you've been on those shows and they're like, and cut, and they're like, all right, so we're going to come back and they talk to you normal. Yeah, they're normal people, but then they put... You're going to be at the improv this week. Yeah. They turn around and you're like, uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. It's so weird. They get so weirded out if you joke about anything. It's just so weird.

And it's just terrible. It's like this phony puritanical shit. Well, she is right. Yes, if your balls have dropped, which is funny, our kids are not remotely interested in Harry Potter. And we have tried. We've tried a lot. So many times. And they're like, is there blood? Knives? Yeah. Is this a stabbing? Yeah. I don't want to see it. But they also went through it for the period where they were just like, this seems scary because it was like witches and spells. It's too scary, maybe still. There's all types of. Oh, have I mentioned, is it cake yet?

Have I? Oh, I have. Okay. Well, in case I, sorry, I forgot. I'm on is a cake this season. It's episode five, Mikey day. Thank you so much for letting me come on the show. Uh, he was great host. He did great. Finally, my kids are remotely impressed with my show business career because I was on is a cake and it was a fun show to do and I love it anyway. If you have kids watch it, it's fun.

And Tom, you played with us during the episode and it's hard, right? - It is hard. Yeah, I've never watched it before. - It's fun though. I like how stupid it is. I like how silly I should say it is. - It's a great formula for a show. I know. And God damn, are they talented, these bakers. - I know. - Unreal.

I know. Unbelievable. And I can tell you that the cakes really tasted amazing, especially the snake cake. That was my favorite. I think they should get one non-baker to participate and try to do the same thing. That would be hilarious. Just you. And I make it out of the box. I like that sheet cake, that white trash yellow cake. And you're like, that's just a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Yeah, but I shaped it. And you're like, yeah, it was just snake. But I made it into a snake. It's a turd cake.

Just a friendly reminder to look up in the trees every now and then. Wow. That is terrifying. Holy shit. By the way, she's gone airtight. Oh, for sure. For sure. Allison Wonderland is a forest therapy guide who hosts events for adults to reconnect with nature through natural movement. Oh, this is in Austin. Yeah, it looks like that. Looks like Lady Bird. Yeah.

Well, we could reconnect with her. I wouldn't mind having her in studio. She seems very nice. Yeah. Do you really need a 20 year old to show you how to like, do you need help? I'm lost. I don't know. Just go for a walk. I don't know where to go. You need help from that? I don't know where to go. I don't know how to reconnect with nature. Yeah.

You know what I mean? She knows how, she was barefoot too, right? In that tree? She was. I think it's probably better for gripping. Yeah. To use your toe strength. I mean, she's got to feel out what's there. Yeah. Yeah. These are all questions we don't have answers to until we talk to her. We need her. Yeah. Good point. Touche. Yeah. So true. All right, Allison. Well, we're- So true. Looking forward to- I mean, I imagine you'd cut your little tootsies up getting up those trees. She would have the answers. And also, it's like, she does, I think, adult groups. Maybe the whole YMH team could do a-

Oh my God, she's local, yeah. Get in touch. I do want to send you guys to a men's retreat. Yes. Yes, you don't have to masturbate. It's an option. You don't have to do it. Ball cupping. Yeah.

I feel like Tanner would do it. Yeah. Can we send them on a men's retreat? I think we can. You make it mandatory. Not with the piss shaman, right? Not with the piss shaman. No. Okay. Yeah, I would do that. All right. I thought that's definitely what we were talking about. He's in Canada. You'd have to go local. I think he'll make the trip. If you do the men's retreat. Oh, here we go. This is perfect. Men's intensive retreat.

In Austin. Connection, embodiment, brotherhood, masculinity, expression. So far, I'm digging this. Me too. Just had it lined up, huh? Yeah. Yes, I want in. Eddie, this menstruate takes you on an intense journey back to yourself. Yep. Who are the facilitators? Let's see. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Alex and Aaron. They look sweet, though. They do look sweet. These guys don't look...

This could be a genuine thing where bros are just hugging. Is your penis cut? They're going to open with that. Yeah. They have clothing on. That is a positive. Yeah. Because the other guy, clothing optional. They just look like sweet guys. I think you guys do need to get connected to your feelings a little bit more. Oh, there's more. Scroll down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just doing some baths with your bros. One picture. Shirts off.

That's all it took. What's included? Okay, let's go down. What is included in this? Lodging. Excellent. Together. Hold on. The Lotus Ranch outside of Austin. Couple days. Meals. Aaron is known for ensuring the meals are always on point, nourishing and delicious. That's really cool. Activities. What kind of activities?

Deep within and get to know yourself. Activities. Breath work. Yes. Sweat lodge. Ice bath. And a lot more. Well, that's kind of broad and vague. It is vague. And the lodging as well. It's just at the ranch. Like what kind of lodging? Are we all in one room together? Do secrets stay at the ranch? Here's a trailer of the experience. Want to watch the trailer? Hell yeah, I want to watch the trailer. You guys are going.

Here we go. Oh yeah. Yeah. Men's intensive retreat. Okay, a little stretching. That's normal. You have to have a ponytail. That was breathing. Beads. Oh, there's petting animals. Listening to this guy talk. Gazing. Staring at each other's eyes. Gazing into each other's eyes. More gazing. Breath work. There we go. Breath work. Naked shaman work. I feel like it's stepping back to another time. Nice baths. This is bonding.

So far it looks really positive. Oh yeah, some aggressions getting out. You need that, yeah, you need that. Now the clothes are coming off. Did you notice that shirtless? Nude ice baths. Stretching, boxing, underwear. More boxing, more breathing, more movement, some laughing, some hugging. Hugging.

clapping and at the very end Abby walks out and she's like alright boys which one of you wants to put your cock in here oh you're gonna eat salad and bread you're gonna wear a nice crying handkerchief tears buns there's a lot of nose rings in this type of world I like sound baths more hugging this was great I saw a lot of hugging I gotta tell you I've never come that hard before in my life

Yeah, that seems pretty cool. So if you guys go, then we book the tree climbing experience for you afterwards. You have to do one before you go to the other. Austin does have such lovely healing things. Yeah, it does. We should really put them through a rigorous healing thing. Yeah. I think that's a great idea. I actually did do a sound bath. Just a friendly reminder to look up in the trees every now and then.

That's so high. That's really high, bro. Holy mackerel. And she had the wherewithal to bring her phone out with one arm. Wow, she's daring. She's been doing those trees for a while. She's been doing a lot of stuff for a while, yeah. She's a very open type of gal. She's very cool. Open to danger. Yep. Fuckin' A, Tom. All right. I cannot do that. I'd be so scared. It seems a little scary, yeah.

Here we go. Here you go, Jean. It's your turn to shine. Here you go. Okay, all right. So here's the thing. I went to the doctor and turns out I have a parasite. He was like, do you have animals? I was like, yes. I French kiss my cat 24-7. Do you have a problem, doctor? And he said, well, you have a worm. You have a parasite. You shouldn't kiss him in the mouth. And I said, well, we're going to have a problem because I prefer to die and rot tomorrow in a dark hole.

So I can keep kissing my cat. So then he told me, take these pills. It's just one pill. Actually, you take a pill and then you deworm. So I was like, okay, so can I continue breastfeeding my cat? He said, yes, you can. So that's it. So I have a worm inside of me and it's fine. I can still kiss my cat. This is a primo. Yeah, this is good. Well, cause here's the deal, man, is that I am conflicted because I am an animal lover as well. I don't have a cat, but I mean, I get it. This,

This is a real love. If you're really into it. She'd rather die. Yeah. But is it worth the intestinal parasites? Because from what I hear, it's not as simple as, hey, I take a pill and the parasite leaves. Like you're shitting and shitting and shitting. This woman would rather seriously go to the fucking ICU than stop kissing that cat. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it too. But,

Pet lovers. I mean, we do crazy shit. Some people are full, I mean, open mouth. Yeah. They're animals in their mouth. And let the dog. Now I tell you, that is kind of where I draw the boundary with our dogs. In the past too, I don't let them lick my, I don't really like it when they're in my mouth. Some people like it. I used to have them clean my beard out for me. That was funny. Food in here and then they're like. Yeah.

- Yeah, we put cheese in your beard and Bitsy would lick it out. - That was fun. - Yeah. - Well, I hope your parasite heals. I hope it goes away. - It's so hard to get, it's not easy. - Good luck with that, miss. - There was a woman on-- - I would rather they die. - There was a woman on TikTok who didn't want to take the medicine to get rid of her parasites and she was doing it naturally and then was like, that's not gonna work. - I love when people just decide that modern medicine is not the way. That's good. - Take the penicillin. - Figure it out yourself.

Okay, two days after my treatment, I'm still a little swollen here, but you really couldn't tell until I take off my glasses. Oh, fuck. When I take off my glasses, you can really see how swollen that eye still is. So usually by today, that eye is a bit better than it is right now, but that's why we wear these. I'll check in again later. Yeah, it makes you look more normal with the glasses on. She's doing a tattoo removal. Yeah. She's eight treatments in.

I mean, I just wonder how much can you really get off with the treatment? It's not guaranteed. It's not going to be. This is a drug. By the way, I think this girl did a lot of drugs and did these tattoos when she was really mental. Oh, I think so too. Yeah. Yeah.

That's usually what happens with this is they get off the drugs and they're like, this isn't working for me. But I will admit the one facial tattoo I would get is the Dia de los Muertos skull. Remember that, that girl had the full. You would do that to yourself? Like if I had to choose. Okay.

Okay, ready? You have to choose a crazy meth facial tattoo. What are you going to do? What's the theme? Are you going juggalo like the guy? Are you going Dia de los Muertos face? Which I like the skull. I'm going to go there.

You could do Mickey Mouse. You could go funny. You could go scary. You got to go kind of scary. And then you could go reptile. Can you do tears? No, it's got to be like around a piece. Then I do the one eye thing, you know, go around one eye. Like a Dalmatian. Like a star. Like little rascals. Around the eye. Like Tyson. Like Tyson. Like Tyson. No, but you got to go full. You got to cover your face, babe. You got to cover your whole face. It's not just one. You got to go like Crazy Reuben. Yes. Do you know Crazy Reuben? No.

You type that in? You don't know Crazy Reuben? I don't know this guy. Who's this fella? Oh, that's dope. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This guy crushes. I like him. Yeah, that looks dope. Crazy Reuben does it. Yeah. But that's a little stepping on my idea of Dia de los Muertos. It's like the skull. Crazy Reuben keeps getting locked up, dog. I don't know what's happening, but...

He's been posting from the inside too. This is rad. Yeah. Actually, it looks really dope. Hit his IG because he has posts from prison all the time.

i've met him before you have yeah i met him at the airport one time what yeah those are she's locked up dude he's like got me back in this oh it looks great and then you have like i mean that's if you're gonna do it you do it like reuben does it look at him look at him before he got tatted oh with john mccain when i put up on john mccain way dude what

It's a random photo. You know that if he was fully tatted up, they'd have been like, hey, get up. Get up. You're not sitting here. I will say, great tattoos for prison, though. That's exactly how you want to look when you're in prison. Look at handsome Reuben with his kid. No, he's adorable. And then look at him right there. He's like, I don't fuck around. Look at him right here. Fuck. Yeah, then something happened. Something changed. Yeah, something happened. By 2017, he was full facial. That's how you do it. I think if you're going to do it, look at the eyes, bro. Go hard.

Look at that one. Yeah. You sit down for lunch. You're like, holy shit. Do you see the next table? You're fucking scared. So good. And then everyone's like, he's actually a great guy. And you're like, okay. Okay. Goes to my church. Yeah. Yeah. I like him. He might actually have a photo of us together on there. Wait, is he a model? I think he's modeled before. Yeah. Like what's his story? I don't know the whole story, but we ran into each other at an airport when I knew who he was.

I want to say we took a picture with him. And you knew him from what the interwebs? Yeah, I knew him from from this shit. There he is with Conan. Oh cool. Yeah. Oh, so that's the start of the facial stuff. He started with the chin. Oh, yeah. And then oh he's got LA represent. The fucking foot has the a crazy pattern on it too man. Look at that shit. Whoa dude that hurts so bad the toes I bet because there's no meat on your toes it's just bone.

Yeah, that's when you're really all about that life. You've got to be committed. Yeah, you're not getting that shit removed. Uh-uh. Let's go to the next one. That's lifelong, homie. Nine months ago today, I woke up speaking with a Welsh accent. Nine months ago today, I lost my identity. I lost part of who I am. And how have I coped? Not very well. I'm not going to lie. It's been the longest, hardest nine months ever. I mean, no one knows how long I'm going to have this accent for.

It could go, it could stay, it could change. This was one of the things that YMH actually, I would say we covered foreign accent syndrome well before other people did. For sure we did. It was years and years ago. I have not actually heard my voice in a conversation for nearly three years now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is a real phenomenon, people, where people wake up.

with totally foreign accents that they didn't even know. Remember, like she probably doesn't even know what a Welsh accent is, but she can do it. Yeah, it's wild. And like Australia. Anything could happen. That's foreign accent syndrome for you.

I hope I get this. It's always like, so if people know, foreign accent syndrome is, it's a result of head trauma. So you have head trauma, you get a neurological like episode happens within you and then people end up speaking with an accent foreign to their own. The thing that was always curious though about like when the lady had the Asian accent is that her grammar was,

She said, I have not actually heard my voice in conversation, not in a conversation, in conversation. For a year now. For a year now. Yeah, like she can't speak English properly. Yeah, her actual ability to speak the English language was changed. That's crazy. But do you think it's like your brain just goes to some file? It has to. Like, oh, maybe she knew this person that spoke that way 10 years ago and it's there. There's been multiple conversations

examples of this over the last especially over the last decade that I've seen every time it's reported in the news I get hit with those messages they're like oh look this is another case so cool yeah her just seems pretty mild to me though right well and I like Welsh I mean it's within reason it's like a white lady like me would speak with an Asian accent that would be pretty crazy that would be pretty crazy that would like ruin my life it would be very people are like are you fucking with me your stand up would take a whole new turn oh boy oh boy he's a goat to be held yeah

I have two children. Don't curse me. Watch. I'm going to get this shit. Okay, stitch this with your best. Why the fuck did I retain every single word to this? Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. I got to meet you yesterday. And getting to look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You're so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me.

You're gorgeous. You're precious. But it's been sitting in my mind. You said to me, you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend? Please erase it from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know because I've been there. And I understand when you're trying to find somebody and go on dates and nothing compares to your ex. But there is that better person out there. And Julia, I promise you it is me.

I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman, a real woman. And believe me, after you experience me, you want to know who your ex-boyfriend is. So, open up your heart to me in your arms. Let's go full throttle. I can see me falling in love with you. I don't know, I just look in your eyes, I just melt.

Anyhow, I'm headed off to work. This is my beautiful home. Everything you see behind me, I built everything. She's got beautiful expressions. From crown molds to chair rails, to floors, to lighting, to plumbing, doors, windows. So this is type of guy again. I'm a very handy guy. And I'd love to build you whatever you want. You're a sweetheart. So I hope this video doesn't scare you. But that's how I feel. I just want you to know that.

Okay? And I look forward to going out to dinner with you. So let's make it happen. Ciao, baby. Unbelievable. That was great. She crashed it. At Red Winehouse. Thank you. At Red Winehouse on TikTok. That was absolutely phenomenal. Dude, she got everything. The expressions, the emotional through line, the hesitation, the everything. Some of these stick with people, man. They really do. Well, Joe was a special, he was a special guy. I mean, the other day,

I quoted Joe, just the two of us in the house. Like I left something in the toilet for you and you called me out on it and I was like, this is the type of girl you get. Yeah, it's true. I know. And yeah, I mean like somebody came up to me the other day and told me that they were sending me buckets of hate from right next to them. Like these things, they just stick with you, man. They do. Oh my God. Oh yeah, that's not good. What the fuck?

Yeah. I forgot why I wanted to send this in. Thank you. When did I send that in? That's very cool. I think it was just, there was, there's nothing before this. This is just an image. This was a Christina curiosity. I'm not sure why I sent this in. Curious. Christina doesn't know why she sent this. I think there's like the Arabic. Calfs hurt so bad. Dr. Muhammad. I don't know that that actually helps.

He's like shouting in Arabic. It's just terrible. Pressure like that on your calves fucking hurts. Goddamn. So anyway, this is the whole account dedicated to this guy stripping muscles in Arabic. It's so funny because they're all screaming. It's awesome. This is scary. Go around. Watch this. No, no. Oh, oh.

This is so Russian. I know. This is American. God damn. He's just getting hit in the shins. In the shins while he's fucking holding weight over his head? Like a barbell over his head? Yeah. That shit hurts so bad. The shit people do for these videos. I know. That's why I love it. Please keep doing it. We love it. Thank you. Good luck with your shins.

This is wild. So this is, it's just a sinkhole, just a whatever. This guy's just walking in the department store. A lady? Oh, it's a lady? Looks like a lady. Just collapses. The accident happened due to construction on the ground floor. Could you imagine? So that's not really technically a sinkhole. Sorry, not a sinkhole. I didn't, yeah. Fuck. Yeah, you're just walking along and the ground falls. How's that person doing? In a department store. They're fine. It's a little sprained ankle. It's good. Okay.

Yeah, it was crazy. All right. That was a cool one to transition to. Just disappearing in the ground. Yeah. And also because it's a foreign sounding scream. Yeah. I like the sound of that. Foreign screams are fun. I agree. Because you're like, they're not really. They're having fun. Yeah.

What a fun show today. Yeah, we covered so much ground. This was great. Yeah. Thank you, Abby. Thanks, Abby. You really made it special. And thank you all for watching, for listening. This is the type of show you're getting. We'll be back in a week. We'll see you out on the road. Go to ChristinaPOnline.com, TomScarrow.com for tickets. And hate from Australia. Buckets of hate from Australia.

We'll see you soon. Thanks, guys. Bye-bye. For Sachi Kalachi speaking, who the fuck is this? It's me, Purple Hair Girl from The Chair. I was the one f***ing myself on cam that time, remember? Oh, hell yeah, man. What up, sis? I remember you. You were flicking your bean on the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you. I don't have time to talk. Listen, where are you at? Um, I'm just home here now. Hold up, though. Where are you calling from? I'm stuck way down in the mountain.

I need you to come get me. Yeah, I could do that. I'm looking at, say, 8 o'clock, 8.15. Fuck, you're doing good. Thank you so much. You're literally saving my life. Bam, say no more. I am on the way, bitch. Awesome. Piss on me. Beat me. You're the coolest for this. No, you are. You are the coolest. Cool girls for life. We about it here. So cool.

This is Captain Marcel. Do not piss me off. I'm a fucking walking mermaid, bitch. I dip my nuggets in the doo-doo. Guess what? I'm loving it. I drink moose soup. 100% specifically delicious. Story time. Uh, how you say? I'm not a racist. Shut up.

I'm a fucking blessing blood.

♪♪

If you ain't licking the scrum, honey, you ain't tricking no one. Clown check. Abracadabra, ba-ba-ba-boom, shock a day. Wanna see a Spartan kick or taste a bit of the poutine I made? Yeehaw. Twin goddesses activate. I identify as a threat, a nightmare. And my pronoun is your grace. I would recommend a freezing sea ice. Even though my health ain't improving, but I bet you growing loose holes ain't hardcore enough to. Nature's free multivitamin, why the fuck would I not use it? Keep busting clips in my sips, I'm literally bonding fluid. Oh no.

He wants to lick.

... ... ... ... ... ...

Friday's nice G-tips. I keep smelling my vagina in hopes that it'll smell better. It just doesn't. Show the haters how you glass and put your perfect smile in. I'm ride or die. Show me

♪♪ ♪♪

No!

What gets rid of hard

I'm not a player. Just saying. I'm gonna make you want to shat, don't fuck.

Did I stutter? Oh.

This is the cool girls club within the house of your mother. I saw her moments last night just visiting. And Cheryl jumped over the kitchen counter at me flying like a hoosung boat in a fighting suit. I don't know why the bitches always be jealous of me. So she run to the phone like the bitch made come always.

I said, you better call every law in Sequoia County this time, bitch, because you're going to need help prising my fingers from around your fucking dick-sucking throat. So I ended up arrested and in jail, but I'm out this morning, Cheryl, and I can still say that's right, you didn't swell a shit, bitch. And I'm coming over here today, and I'm going to do the two-step in the cow. Boy, Boogie, there's a mud hole in your fucking ass.