[Patreon Preview] Ep 7.5: Macallan 12 & Negroni: Last Round
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One more drink, one more drink, and for sure we gon' stink. 5am, you pricks, this is what we do. Catch up for a few, we'll riff and talk some shit, and then we'll sleep till 2. Talk some shit, and then we'll sleep till 2.

Hey, hey, here we are, the Patreon, the real fans, behind the scenes. You guys are the real heroes, and we appreciate you. Thank you, guys. Thanks for joining our Patreon. Thanks for being here. This is where we read your emails, talk your pet peeves, talk your recommendations, maybe some of your bits. Who knows? Yeah, the real heroes, much like the teachers. I always say that'd be the worst comic book. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

The teacher superheroes? Yeah, yeah. They're such heroes. I mean, their stories aren't that captivating. Yeah, someone's got a gun, you don't call a teacher. Yeah, yeah, exactly. By the way, I tried this joke on stage. It bombed horribly, but I was like, what's up with teachers now? Man, what a job. They get weekends off, summers off, and teenagers off. And everybody's like, ah.

That's fun. I don't know if they're groaning at the joke or the premise. I think it's funny. You can almost hear it in Leno's monologue, though. He's like, what's up with teachers? They get their students off now? All right. All right, right. I think as a joke, structurally, it's funny. I think it's a funny line. All right, maybe I'll hold on to it. I think it's funny. If it's a part of something else, I hear it in your voice, too. It is funny.

I had the group of like 20 teachers, you know, the table of like gaggling teacher ladies were like, we teach eighth grade. Yeah. And then I just went in on that. And I love that. I love that. You get that good. I got a crowd work moment like that recently. And they're like, but no, but seriously, we don't we don't fuck them. I'm like, yeah, I know. I would be the end of your job. We know. Yeah. I mean, somebody is. I read the post. Somebody. Yeah. It's like a fucking that's a thing still, I guess.

Great Galifianakis joke. Yeah, did you hear about that kid who fucked his teacher? He died from high-fiving. And then we get a groan when he says he died. People are like, he's like, yeah, yeah, he high-fived too many people. Yeah. Man, he had some pearls. I mean, he's great. I love Zach. Oh, yeah. Have you ever met him?

I have. I met him at a house party before he was famous. First of all, he's like 5'4". And just a hilarious, weird little guy. Yeah, he's such a great comic actor, too. I mean, he's like... Oh, my God. He made The Hangover. Yeah, he's so good. I mean, that first Hangover is great. It's great. Is that Todd Phillips? Yeah, dude.

Oh man, that guy's a beast That's a good movie Yeah, you know Great comedy So I met him once in the street He was just chatting with a towel in the street And I saw him What? And I was like, Dave And he goes, hey man And then he goes, this is Zach And I was like, oh hey Zach And I'm like, yeah I know who the fuck this is

Oh yeah Years ago, years ago Yeah, yeah And Comedians of Comedy Remember that, when that came out? Oh my god, with like Padden and Posehn And Maria Bamford, yeah sure Yeah, so when that came out There's a scene where Zach is texting Attell And he's like, fucking Attell, he's driving a van He's like, if I could Attell just ask me if I have a joke About midgets fucking aliens And I was like, oh my god, he really does that to everybody Oh yeah, he's done it to us

Oh yeah, that was a badge of honor when I first got that. I was touched. Dave is the GOAT, man. He's the best. He's the king. So let's do an email. Alright, I gotta zinger this guy out of the gate. This is like a great premise. Hit me.

K. Dane Willard is his name. I don't know what that's about. But has anyone done this before? His name? You don't know what his name is about? K. Dane? K. Dane Willard? What is this guy? A serial killer? K. Dane Willard. All right. Exactly.

He goes, has anyone done this joke before? Amber alerts are crazy because they send them to everyone, even pedophiles. Imagine being a pedophile and you get an Amber alert. You stare at your phone like, what? What? I'm just getting this now? I kidnapped this kid three days ago. I would go the other way. I would just have it. He gets and he goes, yeah, I know. Oh, interesting. That's how I would go with it. But I think his way works, too.

Yeah, that's a great thought, a great observation. I never thought of that. The guy who does the crime probably gets the alert. Interesting. I like it. He's a Rochester guy. Well done, K. Dane. I like the premise. It's very funny. Your jokes are better than your name. Yeah. I got one from Robert McCoy. Love the last name McCoy. Great name. McCoy. Listen, McCoy, you fucked up for the last time.

Some police chief McCoy you piece of shit Alright Hey fellas I'm 5'10 About 160 pounds And a big bet Even mine Is when a fat Or out of shape person Shames me for eating a salad Example Why are you eating that salad? You're skinny enough

Sorry, I don't want to be a fat ass like you. Yeah, why don't you just let people live their life? I don't like when people are like, why are you eating that? How about you eat what you want? I mean, shit, people don't do it the other way. It's like someone's fat as hell eating chicken wings. I'm like, what the hell are you thinking? That's a fair rebuttal, I think. That's a great rebuttal. And

I don't know what's worse, when they shame you for being healthy or when you don't take a shot and your friend's like, what? You're not taking a shot? Or you order a water at a bar, they go, look at this fucking douche getting a water. You're like, I don't want to have a hangover. Why does that bother you? Oh, the water thing is weird where it's like, you want me to feel bad tomorrow.

Yeah. I'm still drinking with you. Oh, dude, the shot thing bothers me, too. I'm not a shot guy. I'm a fucking adult. I sip like a man. I don't fucking shoot like a child. All right, motherfucker? I don't like when people are like... This will happen sometimes at shows. I'm sure you get this constantly where people just hand you a shot, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm not... I have a drink already. I'm good. And they're just like, I already bought it. And I'm like, cool. I wasn't notified when...

Of this process Could you maybe just fucking Like I'm sorry you wasted money But like Give it to one of your Fucking drunk friends I'm sure they'll fucking take it Yeah next time Just give me the eight dollars I'll take that I don't need the shot Also they give it to you Before you go on I drink for free here So I could have Gotten myself a shot That's the other thing I had a few people Do that last night I'm like don't buy it I don't want you to spend the money I get free drinks And they're like oh okay I'm like I'm trying to help you I'm saving you money here They want to say I bought Mark Norman a drink

Interesting. I never thought about that. It's a story. I bought Mark Norman a drink and he drank it. It's fun. All right. So I got to throw this email out there. A female fan, which I love. Yes. Love a lady listener. Ooh, it's a lady.

Maddie Rubin, Madeline. Hey, Mark and Sam, I'm a huge fan of you both. Yada, yada, yada. Love the podcast. I'm 18, from New York. I've yet to try stand-up, but I would be honored for two comedic greats to help me in pursuit of popping my comedy cherry. Don't worry, I'm not a minor as of three months ago. Damn, this gal's got a silver tongue. I like it. She sent a slightly different email to Chris D'Elia a year ago.

No, interesting. Yeah, so she wants help getting into the game, so to speak. Yeah, and she sent a couple zingers, and I got to tell you, there's some promise here. These are fun. What's her name again? Maddie Rubin. Maddie Rubin. So she's a Jew. I like it. Let's do this. I love this. First, this is a great misdirect. Quick one-liner. Asian Uber drivers are great because they're really...

Doing their part to end those stereotypes That all Asians are successful Oh, that's funny That's great It's like a double misdirect Yeah Because you think it's going to be some driving joke Yeah, which I love Yeah, yeah, that's good Smart, smart stuff for a woman No, kidding That's good, I like it

This is a Hedberg premise, basically Smuggling drugs across the border must be a piece of cake for mailmen Because tampering with their stash is a felony And getting barked at by dogs is already part of the job I like it That's good, yeah, it's close to Hedberg's joke, but she found a different spin Yeah, yeah, and she threw the dogs thing in too Which she didn't need to, but she still did, which I appreciate Yeah, a little nice tag

Adults like to scare kids away from drugs with stories of people getting way too high on laced chemicals that make them do shit like chew their friend's face off. But it's never acknowledged that these people or that these are people who have chosen a diet of mainly bath salts and acid. If anything, it is comforting to hear that they are expanding their palates to include some protein. I knew that was coming. I knew the protein thing was coming. I think, let's see with that premise, like,

So these are people that normally only eat bath salts. Don't they smoke bath salts? I thought that's what they did. Yeah, I think so. But they're eating faces. Say the first sentence one more time. Adults like to scare kids away from drugs with stories of people getting way too high on laced chemicals that make them do shit like chew their friend's face off. But it's never acknowledged that these are people who have chosen a diet of mainly bath salts and acid.

I think that, I think it's way too wordy up top is my problem. I'm like, you're throwing me in different direction, but there's something funny about the idea of like doing, uh, smoking bath salts and like they, they chew their friend's face off, but it's like, well, they do have friends though. That's the cool thing about drugs. Right. Right. No, like you do always have friends.

I don't know. Yeah. Here's another one. It's so inspiring to watch Kim Kardashian help pardon all these death row inmates and give hope to every influencer that they too can literally kill to meet.