[Patreon Preview] Ep 13.5 Old Fashioned & Fat Tire: Last Round
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One more drink, one more drink, and for sure we gon' stink. 5 a.m. you pricks, the barkeep frowned. This is what we do, catch up for a few. We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Hey, here we are on the Patreon, the real fans, the real listeners, the real drunks.

So funny. We're just talking about shitty roommates. I remember I had a guy when I was super young. He was like, he was so angry. He was like the angry dude who just he was in a relationship with this girl. And you could just tell that she was right. I mean, like, we're like, he was so shitty that I'm just like, Oh, she's

This is your fault. Right. You know, where he would just, I remember he'd scream at her at like 7 a.m. Like you fucking bitch. Oh yeah. Well, balls in your court. Oh God. What is that? No one who ever says balls in your court is ever right. No, no. Yeah. That's bad news. And does he think that's going to win her over or like what's the, what's, what's the, he just had anger problems. He was like an angry motherfucker. Yeah. God,

God damn, those people need a hug. That's all it is. They just can't control it. Yeah, man, shit. That's a peeve. Yeah, I had a roommate in college. He was... And look, I'm no entrepreneur or David Goggins over here, but this guy was the laziest motherfucker on the planet. Every slack off he could do, he would pull it off. If he had work at 6 p.m., he would wake up at 5.54 a.m.

put clothes on and go like he would push it. So to the limit of doing as little work as possible. I mean, it was pretty impressive.

Yeah, at a certain point you do admire that person for surviving Yes, yes, sleep all day He would just wake up to eat Because he would sleep so long that he actually needed nourishment to live And then he would eat and go back to bed And then get drunk every night Do a bunch of drugs And then go to work one day a week Or whatever it was He would pay kids to do his homework I mean, it was fucking sad Man, that's fucking rough Yeah, it was crazy

but fun guy yeah what let me read some peeves from you guys yeah yeah peeves um yeah we got so many emails and uh we appreciate you patrons here oh yeah this is good stuff what do we got i got a pet peeve feeling old hey sam hey mark and sam i was laughing about this at work the other day then dan soda mentioned feeling like this on the bonfire

We love soda. Curious what you think. My parents used to tally up aches and pains when they talked about feeling older. I was born in 83, an old millennial. And when I can't get Zoom or someone else to work or something else to work, I think, well, it's clearly time to get my affairs in order. We were the first geek squad generation. I didn't acquire a burned shoulder in my life. I acquired a magical pocket square, which is killing me from the inside out.

Huh? I don't understand this, Lindsay. I'm sorry. I don't follow. Tallying aches and pains? I don't get it, Lindsay. Damn. What's the peeve? I like soda. I got that part. Yeah, maybe it's tallying up the aches and pains. Is that it? Okay. I don't know. I don't get it. Sorry. Yeah, maybe that is annoying, I guess. I got a peeve. Emails that don't make sense.

Yeah, I have no idea what she's getting at. Email us again, sister. Here's a patron one. Let's do a better one. Patron from Max Holliker. It's a joke. You can tell a lot about a person just from their shoes. For example, a woman in red heels. She probably wants to be taller. Ah, that's cute. It's cute. I see what you did. The red. You threw the red in there. Yes, a little throw off. Red hair. It's okay. It's like an okay joke.

Yeah. And then he gave us a peeve too. When people get on you for not seeing a certain movie or show, there's so much content out there and I got shit to do. Of course I'm going to miss them. So yeah, that I agree with that one for sure. Wait, what was, I don't get it. When people get on you for not seeing a certain movie or show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. I hate this one. When they do this, you haven't seen this. You go, no. And they go,

That sound. Shut the fuck up. Okay, you've watched more shit than me. Right, right. Exactly. You're a bad guy now. Or how about, you haven't seen this? No. You haven't seen this? Oh wait, you know what? I thought about it. I had seen the whole thing. I was just wrong. No, I haven't seen it. Stop asking me four times. That's why people lie about seeing shit, to avoid that sound. Exactly, exactly. Just move on.

Here's what you should do You haven't seen this? No? Oh, I think you would like it That's all you need to do That's it Now I'm not going to watch the thing you said out of spite Because you're fucking annoying Exactly, so now some producer and some writer is getting screwed Because you're a fucking annoying twat Alright, I got one from Alonzo Saldivar

Asian fella. Alonzo Moreno here just started doing stand-up. Oh, that's good. Here's my pet peeve. When people lie unnecessarily, I'm talking about chronic liars who lie about dumb things for no reason. A friend of a friend tried convincing me he had a truck that could drive 400 miles per hour, and he was completely serious, not joking.

That is annoying. That is a weird thing. I've done it. People do it. Norm MacDonald's got a great joke about it where he's like, you ever lie for no reason? You don't even know why you did it. Somebody's like, hey, did you see the horse whisperer? Yes. Such a funny joke. It's so simple. This is a good lie. Yeah. Yeah, we all do it. And it's just kind of like the second you do it, you're like, why did I do that? Totally. Yeah, it's stupid, but...

Yeah, the one about the truck is kind of elaborate. That's what's kind of unusual about that. And so easily...

Figureoutable The thing about the dumb lie Is what we just said You've seen this show? Yeah, I've seen this show You just want to move on, so you'll lie about it You've been burned before by the awe guy Yeah, exactly The thing about the truck, it's kind of like Alright, show me the truck I can't, lie over, then why do you lie about something That I can call you on so easily Right, right, and then they gotta triple down Because they don't want to be

caught in their lies so now they're just making up more shit and it's a vicious circle it's also what truck goes 400 miles an hour what the fuck is even that's an insane lie and then he's gonna go my uncle he knows how to soup that shit up he had nos and he just keeps going and then you can't you can't debate him because you don't know his uncle where do you do that where do you drive a 400 mile an hour where do you where do you benefit on that i don't know the desert yeah who knows

The track? Sounds like a fun day. We drove in a truck in the desert. You're like, that sounds horrible. But we went fast. Yeah. Yeah. Also, soup up a Porsche or something. What do we got? An F-150 out there with 400 horsepower? It's crazy. Fucking stupid. Then he's got a joke. This is more of a premise, I'd say, Alonzo. But it's something there. When two lesbians go on a date, who pays?

right that's a premise yeah i've heard versions of that like i've heard uh i think dan bolger used to have a bit where it was like uh like the cool thing about being gay is it it makes domestic violence cool i think that was a dan bolger bit he's fucking so good uh you had the street fight bit yeah that was a good one that was great yeah if you're homeless uh

Yeah, a homeless couple. I hope he doesn't hit her because that's not domestic violence if you don't have a home. That's a street fight. That was my angle. That's good lines. It's an oldie. It's an oldie, but a great point. A good joke is not only funny, but I think interesting. And that's an interesting way to go, oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. Love jokes like that. Here's one from Patrick Lamothe. And this is...

Another I feel old one. I hope this one makes sense. My peeve is when people say I feel old as an excuse to not know about something. It's especially bad when the thing they're talking about is old music. Like, what's swing music? I feel old. That one doesn't even make sense. No, that would be young. Yeah, well, actually, you should feel dumb because swing music is from the 20s and 40s or whatever. Right. Yeah, that's...

I feel old. Yeah, but I know what he's saying. Like, oh, I don't know how to use a computer. I feel old. Well, you can also learn how to use a computer. Exactly. And you should, because we're going that direction. So like, now you're just being obsolete. Yeah, you're just being stubborn at a certain point. Like, I feel old. It's like, cool. Well, see how far a typewriter gets you, dipshit. Yeah, enjoy that VCR. Yeah, that is annoying. This is interesting. I got Nihilish Chattervedi.

He has a new segment suggestion, Nail in the Coffin. Hey, Mark and Sam, love the new pod, love your comedy, love the Up on the Roof special and a huge Tuesday. I have a segment suggestion similar to pet peeves, jokes, etc. Nail in the Coffin, or whatever you want to name it, the idea of it is to discuss businesses or things in everyday life that you think will go away or change forever because of COVID-19.

For example, I think the movie theaters were on the way out, but COVID is the final nail in the coffin. And theaters will either go away or change in a profound way in the future. I think Mark mentioned something in episode 12 about some kind of business that I'm blanking on.