[Patreon Preview] Ep 12.5: Lagavulin 16 & Old Pal: Last Round
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One more drink, one more drink, and for sure we gon' sting 5 a.m. you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2 Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2 Yo, yo! Alright!

Patreon, the real fans in on the ground floor. Thanks for listening. Let's do it, baby. Yeah, we got emails, we got peeves, we got jokes, we got it all. We might be drunk after dark. Let's start with some of these Patreon people who are like, these are great, man. So I was looking at some of these...

I love these. Where do you want to start, Mark? What should we do? Let's get an email. I got a Julio Edwards with it. Just says, Peeves! In the subject line. Yeah.

I've known Mark for a while now, but through him, I was introduced to Sam and I'm loving what y'all are doing. Peeve number one, when you're in a social situation like a party and you have a friend that keeps showing you long ass videos, send me the link. Let me check it out on my own time. I don't care about this tiny desk performance. It's 25 minutes long. Let me enjoy the party. Oh, that's I mean, look.

So true It's also a lot of pressure Because they're expecting you to laugh in certain places It's a lot

That is, I'm so with this guy. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's great. And you kind of start wondering how long do we have to keep doing this before I can just walk away or it's, it stops. It's also like being in a social setting now almost feels rare. So you're like, that's even more annoying now. Just send me the fucking clip. Like I don't have enough time on the internet on my hands. Motherfucker. Come on.

I know, I got my whole day free I'm in my pajamas grabbing my sack Send me a link, I'd love to check it out But I can't watch Adele belt one out here at this fucking, this bris Yeah, like, yeah, you know what's better than me talking to that hot girl by the bar? Show me another fucking James Corden carpool karaoke Let's fucking Yeah, is that Demi Lovato? Get out of here Come on, I'm trying to get drunk

He's got another one. Pet peeve number two. People that talk on speakerphone loud as shit in stores. Bro, I don't care that your mother neglected you as a child. LOL. I don't want to hear that bullshit when I'm trying to figure out what a scallion is. Thanks. Hail Queef Latifah. Queef Latifah. That's a great improv troupe.

Yeah, I get that. You know, the guy's like, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. And you can hear the other side. You're like, all right, all right. Just do that shit somewhere else. Yeah, I'm not my thing. No, no, no. Let's go. I got one from our patron here, Connor from Ireland. Yes. I'm not a comedian, but I wrote some jokes at work. All right, let's see what you got, Connor. Great joke. One.

I can relate to Harry Potter. Harry and his two best friends being chased by a man in a cape that believes in magic. In Ireland, we call that a priest. That's a fucking great joke, Connie. That's a funny joke. I love it. It needs more, I think, for stage, but the setup is funny already, I think. I love it. Number two, babies come prematurely all the time and no one laughs at them. I like that. Ha!

That's a great joke too. No one's come up with that one. I've never heard that. I listened to the Anne Frank Audible book. I wouldn't recommend it. Too much whispering. Damn. That's another killer. This guy's good, man. He's good. I mean, I've heard Anne Frank's got a podcast now. It's very quiet, but this guy, I'd never heard that. That's different. I'm 26 and full of cum. Just wish it was my own.

That's gold. Man, this guy's got the fucking goods. He's gifted. Lesbian barbers give the best haircuts because they're good at scissoring. This guy's got to get on Twitter. Yeah, these are solid.

Solid joke, one after another Connor, we don't usually give this up But you get a medal of Dublin Yeah My pet peeve is when someone texts you Ring me and they don't answer Ooh yeah, that's fucking irritating For sure Don't tell me to call You know what I also don't like? When they say ring me and it takes like five rings You just asked me to call I know you're holding the phone What are you fucking playing hard to get? Pick up the fucking phone

Yes, hear, hear. My girlfriend wants to get married. She keeps saying, ring me, and I never call. But yeah, I'm with you, Con. Good stuff. What is it about Europeans that are so funny? Well, the Irish are particularly funny.

Yeah, probably the funniest of all the cultures Because how often do you see an Irish person say I'm triggered? Never The Irish are You can't be offended when you're hammered all the time I feel like every woman there has done something horrible So no woman's going to stand up and be like I've had enough Right, and when your hair is the color of a barn And you've got 8 million freckles and white skin You've got to laugh about something

I love the Irish, man. They're good people. He asks us, any good drinking stories in Ireland? Well, we've been to Ireland together, Mark. I have a framed photo of me, you, Quinn, Rachel, Chris D.,

And somebody, oh, Rachel's husband, walking down Dublin streets. It's a frame photo. I love that pic. And Nate Bargatze, right? And Bargatze. That's the other one. What a crew. What a day. I remember, Mark, I remember we were in some really nice museum and Chris DiStefano just lets out the loudest fart.

And we all just started laughing hysterically And people were just looking at us like They're trash, they're fucking garbage But we were having a great time I loved Ireland I met Colin Quinn like every day at the same restaurant Yes, yes That was the best It felt like New York We'd just be like, alright, we'll start

at this cafe, we'll get breakfast, then we'll see the bluffs, and then we'll go to the oldest bar in the world, and we'll do this. And we just sat at the restaurant, and we're like, oh, it's been nine hours, we gotta go do shows.

Ireland is special, man Ireland, you know, Dublin It's a special place Love it I remember watching Tommy Tiernan And like, let me check this guy out He's got a lot of buzz And I was like, wow, this guy's fucking amazing Yeah, he's like a storytelling master, right? Oh yeah, charming, funny, quick I remember I was at the ATM there And some guy, this was like the craziest moment for me I'm taking money out

you know, to have cash. And some guy goes, Joe Mackey sucks in an Irish accent.

Unbelievable I lost it laughing I was like, oh man, that's fucking I'm in Ireland and someone's fucking messing with me It's amazing I was intimidated by those crowds Because I know they're so funny Irish people are the funniest people So I was a little intimidated Just to kill there I didn't know if I could do it I remember we were there with Colin And Quinn just went up and riffed With shit that we did that day And we watched him in the theater Annihilate

And I mean, Colin is such a comedy. Great. It was so fucking fun watching that. So, uh, and Ireland is it's, it's a rich heritage. Like you're Jewish, but if you would, if you did a synagogue, would you do 10 minutes on Jews? You think?

I think I could dip into Jewish material, but I wouldn't be like, yeah, no, I think I would, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I've done Jewish gigs where it's like, yeah, hello gigs. You got to kind of know what you're doing a little bit, play to the Jews a little. Right. For sure, yeah. Okay. See, I'm jealous of that. I'm just a regular old honky. I don't really have this cultural background.

Well, I mean, I'm not religious But I think they like Look, here's how I look at it If it was the Holocaust I wouldn't be getting out So they claim me So I'm a fucking I'm a Jew, you know? Yeah, you're in And those eyebrows don't lie But these eyebrows could be fucking any Middle East Like I could be I could be Syrian I could be fucking, you know That's true I could be a Muslim They don't fucking I mean, by the eyebrow, shit Yeah, good point You got a couple of caterpillars up there This could be fucking Italian, you know?

You know, Italians? Yeah. Fucking what's his name in Goodfellas who gets the ice pick in the neck? Oh, Frankie Carbone. These are Carbone. Yeah, these are Carbone eyebrows for sure. Carmine. Yeah, one of those. No, Carbone. I think you got it. Okay. Thomas Dehan just wrote, Bits! Hey, guys. Big fan of the pod as well as both your stand-up. Got to see Sam at a rooftop comedy show in NYC before it got cold and looking forward to seeing both of you when the city opens up.

Two bits I thought of were one guy comes back from a date and clearly got an STD but insists it's COVID. Don't think it's been done yet. And the second one is when your roommate has crazy loud sex so you turn on music to try to drown it out, but he comes in and yells at you. Looking forward to what you guys put out in regards to Tom DeHaan.

I don't know if those are bits They're more like sketch scenarios Yeah, yeah But I mean, the idea for me, it's like The music is playing, and you try to drown out For me, it's funny, if you play music Here's the two angles One is you play the least sexy music ever And I mean, you're not gonna stop fucking You're not gonna, I can't

So, I mean, like now you're just banging to go to Rhinestone Cowboy. You know what I mean? Or you play like R&B and you're like, fuck, now he's like liking it more. You know, those are the angles that pop into my head, you know? Yeah. When you play Ride That Pony, it actually hurts your situation. Good point. I don't know if they're bits. I think they're more like sketch scenarios.

Yeah, and also the guy comes back from a date with an STD but insists it's COVID. I don't know how that would work, because COVID you can't smell and you're fevery, but when you have an STD you're pissing blood and you've got to wart. Yeah, there are ways to do that, I think the COVID STD thing, but it would have to be like...

Have you been tested? That's the angle It's not that, I don't think Good point I do think it's funny that now Kissing is the new Home run Fucking is first base now Right