Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
One more drink, more drink, and for sure we gon' sting. By the end, you pricks, the barkeep friends, what we do, catch up for a few. We'll riff and talk some shit, and then we'll sleep till two. Talk some shit, and then we'll sleep till two.
Hey, we might be drunk It's fucking 3pm on Super Bowl Sunday This is our first early one Yes, we're finally moving on to day drinking Which is the next step of alcoholism What are you drinking? I'm dying to know what you drink during the day Well, I figured it's Super Bowl Sunday I'm in New Orleans seeing my mom on her birthday She's 25 Happy birthday, Mrs. Norman I'm going Bloody Mary Whoa, dude Yeah
No way. No way. Look at that. The official day drink. Great day drink. A little vodka here.
Yeah. And I'm going to do it up. I threw a fucking spicy pickle up in that motherfucker. I'm jealous. I wish I had a couple of little accoutrements or whatever you call it. What do you go to for a Bloody Mary? What's an appropriate garnish? What takes it too far? Oh, good question. Well, in New Orleans, there's all these psychos who put a fucking crab leg in there and a shrimp tail and a tampon. I love it.
But they always go too far. It's like a Katrina version. The whole kitchen sinks in there, you know? It's like a prosthetic leg and all the dildo. But I think green olive, celery, maybe an okra, and some white onion.
How about a pickle? Pickle's not okay? No, but pickle's good. Pickle's good. I like a pickle. I even throw some pickle juice up in that motherfucker, dude. I'm crazy. Ooh, that's good. I like a little pickle juice with booze. I was pro-pickleback from the get-go. Oh, yeah. Pickleback had a renaissance. That really popped. It died out like fucking... What's the one? What was that? The cronut? Cronut?
Cronut, that's what it was I was thinking of Zima Zima was the one I was thinking of Zima had a minute And then it was like, peace, bye Zima That was like how you described a guy as a pussy That was like for the guy who was homophobic But couldn't say that So he'd be like, what are you, a Zima drinker? And you're like, chill out Right Zima, Crystal Pepsi, and the Macarena In and out Crystal Pepsi made no sense
I thought it was cool. I mean, it was clear. I'm like, it used to be brown. Now it's clear. But nobody dug it. But it's just fucking. But now you've got another clear drink that you're peddling with 7-Up. Why are we doing it? Why are we doing it? Now it's just confusing. I don't know. Yeah, good point. And nobody gives a shit. It's just the same drink, just clear. So yeah, I get it.
But White Claw, when it first came out, it was like this pussy drink. It was a lemon truly, you know? And after a while, people were like, look, fuck you. I'm a pussy. I'm drinking it. And then they just owned it. And it kind of got garnered or what's the word? Garnered in? Grandfathered in? Grandfathered in. Yeah, I think, you know what happened? It got James Garnered in. It was a fucking, it was a cool ass. You know what it was? It pushed the wife off a boat?
I think that was Robert Wagner, wasn't it? Oh, jeez, sorry. But also, he didn't do it, but like... Right. Yeah, Natalie Wood, man. Fuck. Oh, pretty lady. Pretty lady. Went out fucking at sea. That's how you're gonna die? I know, I know. And that was back when you can get away with a murder. You know, that was pre-DNA, pre-cellphone cam, pre-all that shit. DNA, pre-DNA is like...
It was fucking just anyone. It was like steroids in baseball. It's like when no one gave a shit, you could just put up numbers. You know what I mean? It's so true. You know, you watch these Unsolved Mysteries. It's almost like a cell phone in a horror movie. Like back in the day, there were no cell phones. So, you know, he's in the house. Now it's just like, I just call the police or I'll be at the log cabin. I'll call the fire department, whatever it is.
And back in the day, you were just screwed. Well, you nailed it because they remade Rear Window with Shia LaBeouf. They called it Disturbia. And the whole thing about Rear Window is that she goes across the street to the murderer's place and he can't reach her. He's screaming like, get out, get out. But in Disturbia, he's like, ah, she must have no service. That was the whole thing.
Yeah, they have to have a scene where the cell phone breaks or it falls in a lake, you know, just to get through the plot. That's your T-Mobile ad right there. You should have switched to AT&T. Right, right. She got murdered. Grace Kelly died. Yeah. Another one that died young, car crash. Really? Married like the Prince of Monaco or something. And yeah, and she died in a car crash at like 50 or something. Fucking horrible. Beautiful woman.
Beautiful, I mean all those people went out Like Fatty Arbuckle was young And Marilyn Monroe was an overdose All those hot ladies They were smoking cigarettes at nine They were only allowed to drink coffee And smoke cigarettes, they couldn't gain weight I mean that was a rough life for a young starlet In like the 40s That's so true, yeah, Marilyn Monroe was just like So fucking tiny I bet if you saw her in person now you'd be like That's like a little person She was so small And uh
Banging Joe DiMaggio So not only is she small But she's probably fucking Catching some abuse That was an angry dude Right there No doubt about it What's the other guy Arthur Miller What a range of dick It's like Wait so I didn't know I didn't know she Fucked Arthur Miller Seriously Oh they were hot and heavy Arthur Miller Joe DiMaggio And did she bang Sinatra too I think he I think Sinatra's like Fucked all his friends Girl Yeah yeah He wasn't a great guy I bet I mean No
You've seen The Kid Stays in the Picture where he's banging Mia Farrow. Dude, that's like fucking weird, too. He was 61 and she was 20. I know! What do you talk about? That's a good question. You're looking for Depends. She's looking for fucking, I don't know, 61 Sinatra's fucking rough, too. That's not like a regular 60. That's not like a fucking Dwayne The Rock Johnson 61.
That's a vodka martini. I'm getting fucking hammered. I don't sleep. And I eat ribeyes every night. 61. Yeah, that's a two pack a day scotch drinking, you know, Italian greaseball, Italian Jersey guy crooner. You know, yeah, you're right. That'll wear on you. Plus, nobody was eating kale back then or, you know, doing fucking meditating or Zumba.
So yeah, that's a bad body. It was bad when Rickles was the healthy one in your group. You hockey puck. Dude, fuck. Sinatra really, yeah, apparently a manic depressive, terrible. Yeah, but he also, he fucked his friend's women. Like he, when Bogey was dying, he was like, you're my boy, Bogey. And then immediately moves in on Lauren Bacall. Whoa. Yeah.
Ava Gardner, yeah Oh dude, he fucking, I mean, no one's saying he didn't have game Wow What's her name? There was some starlet back then She said Sinatra was the best sex of her life But she was, it was so It was in the 40s and 50s, so she said In an interview, you couldn't be vulgar So she said, oh my god, he's amazing in the feathers Which I thought was such a great Cool line for this Whore to like cover it up, you know The feathers Fuck
So noir. I love they all had to talk. It was better writing back then because they had to avoid that stuff. We can just say fuck whenever we want so we can get lazy. Yeah, so true. I mean, I did The Tonight Show and I used to say like something or other and I had to change it to go clean. I wish I knew what it was, but it was so much more clever because I had to make it.
And so it made me get creative. It works both ways. Because I remember Nick Griffin, our buddy on Letterman, I might have said this on our podcast even, but he had a joke like, you know, young women are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice, and I'm filled with anger and semen and shame. And they made him change semen to Prozac. And I'm like, fuck, semen is so much funnier. You get the alliteration. So it works. Those suits don't help us. But I do think when we force ourselves to...
Totally To have to come up with a more clever line, you know Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true It can go both ways, totally But, yeah, yeah, Sinatra, apparently a maid Did you watch The Doc on HBO about him? No, I read a book by Earl Wilson Who was like a New York Post writer back in the day I never saw The Doc, is it great? It's great
It's pretty great just because how different things are. He was Italian back in the day, and you got in trouble if you were Italian. His dad had to change the name of his bar to O'Leary's just to seem Irish, just so he could keep it open. Crazy shit about Italian discrimination. Oh my god.
That's fucking weird. Yeah, and he would just get really drunk and he'd be like, he had a jet, obviously, you know, he's the most famous guy on the planet. And he'd be like, let's just fly to London. They're like, dude, it's five. And he's, let's go to bed. He's like, let's fly to London. He just couldn't stop. Well, that was like a power thing back then. I mean, the song Come Fly With Me is like, that was a status thing. Come fly with me. Now it's like, all right, you want to go fly somewhere? But like back then it was like, come fly with me. We'll float down to Peru. And they'd be like, oh my God, Peru, you know? Right.
Right, right. That's a great point. And all these cool little stories about like stand-up comedy, you call it stand-up comedy because the mob ran all the nightclubs and the gin joints and they'd say, this is a stand-up guy. He's good. He's a stand-up guy. And that's where stand-up comedian came from.
Interesting. Yeah. And also Vegas, when the mob ran, it seemed to work much more smoothly. It did. It seemed smooth. Even though they're murderers and psychopaths, it kind of worked. If you bail on the movie Casino before that last scene, it seems all right. I don't know. Right before Pesci and Frank Vincent would ever get fucking, that's one of the toughest to watch scenes ever.
Oh, when he's watching his brother get pounded and then, then they throw his fat body with the tidy whiteys into the ditch and they hit him with bat. Ah, God, it's too much. He's like one of the toughest, one of the toughest scenes, brutal, brutal, but fun movie. That's a movie you can just put on, keep on. You're making eggs in the background. You're watching casino. They got a guy's hand in a vice. It's great.
I mean, which hand do you deal with? James Woods playing the sleaziest motherfucker. Yeah. So good in that movie. Oh, man. He's so... What is he? Lester Diamond? Yeah.
Something like that. And Sharon Stone's as hot as fuck in that movie, too. So hot. She was a good actress. Yeah, so good. Yeah. That scene where she blows Pesci, she's crying on his shoulder. He's like, I know, I know. I mean, come on! I was 14, like, Jesus Christ! What's going on here? Yeah, Pesci's a piece of shit, but you're also like, well done, Pesci. It's one of those weird moments where you're like, he's a bad friend, but I didn't expect Pesci to be pulling Sharon Stone, so...
I know. Gotta give him a little bit of a nod. Right, right. And apparently all true story and all that based on a true story. Pretty amazing. It is weird where like mob type dudes draw the line.
You know, because they're like, I mean, I'm obsessed with The Sopranos and like, it is funny how they'll like justify shit. We're like, this is horrible. This is fucked up. But then like what they'll be like, pedophile, we don't fucking do that. We just murder people. And you're like, all right, but you're still like a bad dude. Yeah, that isn't I mean, prison's the same way. You know, they're all murderers and rapists. But then when a pedophile comes in, they're like, this guy's a bad apple. Yeah, that's true. It's a Madoff in prison got a lot of respect.
Like this dude, fuck, he robbed people blind for decades, this motherfucker. And he walks in, everyone's like, I'm sure it gets old. I'm sure he preferred being a brownstone. I mean, it's, look, I get it. I mean, it's cruel and he's robbing people and he's a criminal. But like, there's something badass about doing crime with a suit on and not getting your hands dirty.
I mean, if you're in there for a vehicular, like some sort of like car robbery or something, and then you meet this guy and you're like, well, this guy's the king, you know? Yes. Yes. He did it from an ivory tower while getting a BJ and rubbing a cat, you know, and these other guys are on their hands and knees under a car stealing a catalytic converter. Way cooler. We know it's crazy. He's like the peak of what a criminal can be.
And it still ended horribly for him. I mean, didn't one of his kids kill themselves? I mean, it was fucking bad, I think. Oh, is that right? I didn't know. I'm pretty sure one of his kids committed suicide. Oh, that makes sense. I'm double-checking here, but...
Also, two things. Maybe I'm wrong. How perfect is the name? Isn't it weird when a name is so made off? He made off. And then you got Anthony Weiner. That's another perfect one. How great is that? That's just like a gift from the comedy gods. Did you see the Weiner doc? Oh, I saw it. Wait, that's just gay porn. Oh, the Weiner. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that. That's great. Fucking incredible, dude. Decent piece on that guy as well. Oh, I don't remember that part. Oh,
Oh yeah, and he had kind of a good Actually, I do remember a little bit of that Jim underwear shot And he's in good shape too He looks like a string beam But then you're like, oh, this dude works it out Oh yeah, he's got like the Fight Club shredded skinny muscle What a waste What a waste of the V-ab You know
What a waste of the Brad Pitt body I mean he fucking Pulled Huma Who was hot And Is that right? Accomplished Yo you know his wife You know he Married her She was hot And uh Oh I thought you said Uma Thurman No no no Huma Oh Huma She was like a Clinton aide Oh But she was No she was She's in the doc She's super hot And successful And uh
clearly put up with a lot. Yeah. To say the least. Yeah. She got that from Hillary too. She's like, we as women have to deal with a lot. And they're like, all right. I mean, he, he had so many chances as mayor and as a husband. And he, I mean, the part was so fucking funny is, uh, I saw that in the theaters in New York and there's that scene where they have a Jon Stewart clip and it's, they play the clip in borough park where, uh,
Someone says something anti-Semitic. Like, you just show Wiener losing his shit on some Orthodox Jew and everyone's like, oh, what a lunatic. But then they show the clip before and some Orthodox Jew says something really fucked up about him being with an Arab. Jon Stewart goes, I take it back. Fuck him. And it got an applause break on The Daily Show. And in the theater, it got an applause break. And you're like, damn, Jon Stewart kills so hard that he's killing in a theater. Yes. Yes.
Wow, how interesting is that? That it's like, hey, he's a racist or a bigot And then the person who calls you a bigot turns out to be bigoted Isn't that crazy? That's human nature, you know, we all do it And also, that's the internet too We're so quick to jump on someone who fucks up But then it's like, okay, but we just saw where they lost their mind Can we see what happened before? Right, exactly, exactly Can we challenge the play like a football game? Can we challenge this cancellation or whatever this is? Yes, yes
But they don't want to check Because they just want, as Bill Maher would say They want the scalp on the wall They don't actually care about the justice They just want to get you That's interesting Yeah, well, I mean But then also, if it's not too serious They tend to move on I mean, that's the nature of the internet, too Is like, if you just ignore They run away, usually They move on to the next shiny story Yes, exactly It's interesting you say Borough Park Because I used to I had a
I guess, Hasidic landlord, and I'd have to go pay him in Borough Park. He made me go out to Borough Park, which is like a million miles into Brooklyn. It's all Hasidic. It's all Hebrew, everything. You'd see a Hebrew, a guy in a Jewish outfit with the tassels and the curls hammering on a building. You're like, what the fuck? It's so weird to see a Jewish guy building stuff or doing a buzzsaw. It's just weird to see. You don't see a lot of Jewish carpentry. You're handy, man. Yeah.
This guy's laying cement with a yarmulke on. It's just fascinating. I beg to differ. We have the most famous Jewish carpenter of all time. I haven't seen much of his work, to be honest. I don't know where the Jesus cabinets are. No, I know what you mean. I used to tutor kids in South Williamsburg, and when I'd leave late at night, I'd be like, oh, this is fucking weird late at night. Because you see a lot of shady-looking characters. Right.
Right, right. Definitely. Yeah, so they knew right away I wasn't part of the tribe. Because I remember one time I walked in to Borough Park area and I'm lost. And I see a guy, a Jewish guy on the corner. I go, hey man, which way is 14th Street? And he looks me up and down and goes, I don't know. And I turn, I go half a block, I hit 14th Street. I was like, that motherfucker. Wow. Yeah. He looked you up and down. There is, you know, as a Jew, I'm...
I'm a cultural Jew. I'm not a religious Jew. So I'm more of an avoidant Jew. I'm not like the type. Well, there's a type on the street. They're like, are you Jewish? And they're like, they're trying to get you to sign up for something. And you're just like, yeah, but I'm I'm like a Jew who keeps to myself. I'm like, I'm not the I'm not signing. I'm trying. I'm not trying to get on more email lists. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to be part of the prayer circle of the synagogue or whatever the fuck.
Yeah, and they know, I mean, you kind of have a Jewish vibe though, I mean, I think a lot of it is like you grew up with so much comedy and so many comedians are Jewish Yeah So there's like, almost like a Jewish sensibility in you a little bit, I don't know Yeah, sure, I mean, I take it as a compliment, I'm a wannabe, I mean, like Larry David and Seinfeld and Adam Sandler, Groucho Marx, Woody Allen, like I'm obsessed with all these Jewish guys
Plus, every time you go, is that guy Jewish? He's really funny. They usually say, yeah, like Mel Brooks and Mort Sahl, and it just keeps going. And Shelly Berman, whatever it is. A lot of people don't even know who Mort Sahl is now. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Woody Allen's idol, by the way. You know what's interesting about Mort Sahl? I saw someone write something about this, how if he died and Lenny Bruce went on, he would have been Lenny Bruce. Because if you die in your prime...
You know, I mean, think about who the most famous rappers of all time are. It's Tupac and Biggie. It's the two guys who died in their fucking 20s. You know, think about the reverence we have for Bill Hicks or people who die super young. Yeah, Hedberg, Geraldo. Geraldo, yeah. Geraldo was in his 40s, but he was, like, just getting to that prime where he was so fucking good. I mean, look at Che Guevara. We talk about, I think we've talked about this, but, like, the people that become iconic. We talked about this a little last episode, but, like,
Mort Sahl was like the guy He was like John Oliver, John Stewart back in the day And then he just got old And I guess it just stopped working, I don't know Yeah, well, I mean, first again, just go back to the Jewish thing Mort Sahl, John Stewart, Lenny Bruce, Joan Rivers, all Jews John Leibowitz, by the way That's right, which is a little offensive that he changed it You know, come on, buddy, stick with the group But I get it, it's Hollywood But...
I don't know if Mort Sahl, and we're going deep into comedy stuff here, but I don't know if Mort Sahl had the cojones. Like, Lenny Bruce was a twisted guy, you know, heroin addict, you know, weirdo a little bit. He had the chutzpah to, like, push the system. I don't know if Mort Sahl was trying to rock the boat. I mean, he had some great points, and he was political, but...
But I think you need a little bit of a psycho to go say cocksucker in the 50s in a coffee shop and get pulled out by cops. That's well said. And also to like be a druggie and like kind of like a hard edge badass in a leather jacket. You're kind of like, oh, you're like a fucking, you're like a, you're trying to shake it up a little bit. Yes. Yes. Joan Rivers said he made comedy sexy. Wow.
Yeah. That's fucking cool. Not, you know, you look at Shelly Berman or Mel Brooks, they're not exactly sexy guys. They're not like bad boys. Yeah, but look who Mel Brooks married, though. Ah, good point. I mean, I love Brooks. Yeah, I mean, like, funny can be cool, man. Right? And he was in World War II, by the way. Don't forget that. Yeah, these motherfuckers are such more, like, we think about, like, men. I saw this article on Tom Brady and, uh,
It was just him being... It was like on him. He did a thing on Jimmy Kimmel Show where they read mean tweets. A funny segment. Like, it gives people an opportunity to be a little self-deprecating. And he's reading these tweets and they're like, you're not a man. You can't use a wrench. And he's like,
And Tom Brady's like, yeah, I mean, you're kind of right, you know? It's funny, but it's like, well, what's a man? The dude's like the greatest football player ever I know, it's so silly You're not a fucking man, you can't use a wrench It's like, guess what? He's so successful, he never had to learn how Exactly, yes, I'm banging a supermodel, I got six Super Bowl rings I'm a millionaire, I provide, I'm a best player What do you want from me?
Yeah, he's a fucking, I wonder if it's, I mean, I'm sure it's enjoyable, the accolades and being just like beyond loved by everyone. Everyone's like, you're the fucking greatest. I saw that rapper, French Montana put 250K on the Super Bowl. Like, goddamn. Wow. Imagine that shit. But, you know, everyone fucking loves Brady, man. And everyone at least respects him. Yes, yes. Yeah, the only people that hate him are because he's so good.
Yeah, I mean, and also, like, I think, like, whenever someone, when you're just being fed constantly, this guy's the GOAT, this guy's the greatest, people are like, shut the fuck up. Right. But he is. I mean, it's like...
I think, and it's another thing, it's like, when he retires, I think people will love him even more because they'll really take in the greatness. It's like MJ, like in his prime. I fucking hated MJ in the 90s. I was a Knicks fan. But like, you can't look back on Jordan and not be like, you're the shit. You're not the shit. Of course. He's the shit. He's the shit. He's the guy. He's the best. And-
It's just what we do in this country. We like to bring you up and then take you down. But death is the ultimate down. So once you go to death, you're back up again. It's this weird fucking system and it's all based on insecurity and ego. And let me just say this about the Jews. It's the last thing.
You've got to have some weird Jewish chosen people Hebrew pride for, because there's some Jewish bad guys out there, but they're the best at being bad guys. Madoff is the best at what he did. Epstein, obviously a villain, but killed it. I mean, who had more ladies on a conveyor belt?
And to go against what you're saying, they weren't ladies. Sorry, females, I should say. Females, I guess. No, I mean, Epstein is a... I mean, yeah, he made it to the top, for sure. I mean, he was a sneaky motherfucker. Yeah. Weird that he was a teacher at Dalton. Yeah, yeah. Weird that he was... Yeah, I mean... Smart dude. Yeah.
I'm not defending what the guy did, but it's like the Mike Racine joke, you know, where they go, this guy is the worst pedophile. He molested 500 kids. And you're like, actually, he's the best pedophile. Yes. It's the same as his joke, basically. Mike's brilliant joke where he's like, the worst pedophile. That's a guy who can't get his van to start. He's giving kids WNBA cards. His candy is circus peanuts.
That's a brilliant joke Brilliant Mike's always got the best It's got the best tags of all time If you guys want a great album Check out Mike Racine's album It's iTunes, Spotify R-E-C-I-N-E Mike Racine Fucking incredibly funny Incredible So many great jokes But yeah No I mean look Peak villain I guess so Yeah I guess they I guess Epstein was Harvey Weinstein Another peak Jew villain
You guys are good at what you do, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Even though it could be for good or it could be for bad, you're going to the top. You know what's weird about Weinstein is his real last name is Stewart, but he changed it to be...
No, Harvey Weinstein is a fuck. It's weird because you rewatch some of those movies. You're like, man, he really made great movies. Like Spotlight was one of his last ones. You're like, that's a fucking incredible movie. The Tarantino movies. Then you read about him. You're like, you're the worst motherfucker ever.
You're the worst human being. What is it about these guys who do good work? Like, Cosby was known as the best comedian of all time for a while, and then he's a psycho. Not a Jew. No, no, doctor, but no Jew. Yeah, no, it's just the weirdest thing. Like, you hear Picasso's this brilliant artist, but he's also like a wife beater or whatever it is. So it's just weird.
Kind of extremes that these guys live in Well, I think if you're used to getting away with shit Massive success ain't gonna make you stop Yeah, yeah, I guess so Good point And also Weinstein, I mean, look at the guy He's a fucking He probably was a horny motherfucker Who couldn't get laid Then he got all this power and was like I still can't get laid? Right, right I know, and then you hear all these stories But him and Epstein had like weird dongs Where they were like deformed and twisted So you're like, that's kind of Yeah, egg-shaped
Yeah, it's like Hitler with the one ball. One ball and apparently Hitler had a tiny dong as well.
Oh, interesting. We're seeing a pattern. Thank God we have huge dongs. Thank God our dicks aren't egg-shaped. Yeah, exactly. That's a weird shape, by the way. Yeah, yeah. That's tough, because you want some girth, but it's no good without the length. You don't want a tuna can. No one wants their dick to be described as hard-boiled. What does it look like? You know, poached? I don't know. Poached.
It's such a weird thing. Ronan had, our boy Ronan Hirshberg had such a great tweet about, I don't want to victim shame, but I feel like Eva Braun really ignored a lot of red flags about Hitler. Ah, that's great. So true. Fuck. I mean, just those nights in the pillow talk, I can only imagine what he was saying. Yeah.
That'd be great if he was really shy in bed. If he was just like, oh, shucks, I don't know. There were the gay rumors, too, obviously. Oh, interesting. The obsession. When you're obsessing over men's looks and the whole Aryan thing enough, it's kind of like...
There might be some shit going on Yeah, I mean, just the sheer numbers Like, you'd have to think some slave owners back in the day Were probably like, damn, look at the dong on that slave Because, like, obviously there had to be gay slave owners Just with the sheer statistics Sure, sure And they all sounded like Lindsey Graham They all had the same delivery Right Give me a rec
All right, all right, I'm glad you asked there Because I feel like I've been throwing out 12 documentaries a week And I gotta mix it up I started one of them, I started the Operation Odessa I'm like halfway through, I'm gonna finish it tonight I loved it, I'm all in I love docs like that Where it's just complete insanity It's a great recommendation, I can't wait to finish it It's such a cool doc Because it's so over the top, but it's real So it's not like, oh, the writers went too far It's like, I can't believe this is all true So it's fun
But, all right. So I've been recommending a lot of movies and docs and all that. So I'm mixing it up.
A band I love that I don't think is getting any recognition, or at least I'm out of the music game, so maybe I'm an idiot. But Dr. Dog. I'm throwing it out there. Oh, they're huge. Are they huge? Yeah, aren't they? I think they're huge. Harry, right into us. Are they not huge? Dr. Dog? They're out of Philly. One banger after another. They're kind of mellow, but the lyrics are really smart and interesting. So I'm going Dr. Dog. I put it on when I write. I put it on in the car. I love it.
Dr. Dog, I'm looking them up Yeah, they're big I don't know, yeah, alright Look, I'm not a big music guy in terms of knowing new bands and stuff And I know them, so that's, you know I've heard their stuff, they're great They're very good Love them, love them Just kind of mellow, but really talented musicians Big fan of Dr. D And I think they like this kind of mid-level career I think that's...
Feels like that's the new hotspot of famous. You don't want to be Kim K, and you don't want to be nobody. I like a nice middle ground, like a Burt Kreischer level or a Bill Burr or something like that. Arenas is your middle ground, Bill Burr? Play Cigar, dude. Good point. Good point. Who will say Cigar? Huge.
Good point. All right. The cigar is huge too. What are you talking about? All right. Uh, let me, let me dial it back. Uh, Mike Racine, that's where you want to be. No, no, a little bigger than Mike. No, I know what you mean. You're right though. You're right about like the not having to worry about like paparazzi and having a good middle-class career, which you kind of can as an entertainer. Now you couldn't back in the day, I feel like, but that's true. But now it's like, yeah, you have a good, solid career.
you know, financial career, but you're not, you don't have to worry about just, you know, I don't know. I mean, there's going to be, there's going to be shit at every level. I feel like the bigger you get, it just seems like you have a target on your back.
Yeah, completely. And look, you have these high heights and it's probably great. You reach the mountaintop, but the level of shit is also equal to the greatness. And I'd rather, maybe I'm not, I'm too weak. I'd rather just a nice middle shit and a middle greatness. I don't want to be Ellen. That's insane. Or Kevin Hart. I can't even imagine. That's got to be a nightmare. But you're right. With the internet, you can kind of hover and be in a nice...
B-Squad, and that's good enough for me I don't want to be Ellen because that fucking It just looks like not real Like what she's doing I mean, her coming out and dancing with people And I'm like, I know you're not a good person Like, there's no way you're like a There's no way that you're that cool And then every member of her staff is like, she's horrible And it's like, so you've created this world Where you're this fun That's not a fun person Right, right, completely We know you're not fun I mean, look, I respect that she fucking
Is cutthroat and played the game And you know lesbian in the 90s sitcom Like couldn't have been easy But like enough with this fucking ruse That you're you know You're thrown out with it The dancing to me is like no fucking comic
Is dancing Exactly, yeah Nice people are just They just kind of hang back and be nice They don't have to It's almost like the guy who hates gays But he's actually gay, you know? Right She's coming out and dancing And you're like, you're actually a cunt But then you got Then you got, what's his face? James Gandolfini is just hanging back Smoking cigars And he's giving the whole cast his pay
He's the greatest. He's the greatest. Keanu Reeves, another one. You never hear shit about him. You're like, oh, he's just a great dude. Great dude. Basically any straight white man is just a great guy. He's half Filipino, I think. Does that help? No, I'm fucking around. No, I love...
I love Gandolfini so much. Ellen is like, look, I've just heard horror stories that she's not nice to her employees. And it's like, you fucking made it. You did it. You're making stupid money. You live in a probably Troy McClure type fucking floating palace that overlooks the hills or whatever. Like, you're not going to fucking be nice to people. Be fucking nice to people. I completely agree. And look, I get.
Some of the arguments, like you always hear these things like J-Lo, it's in her rider, you can't look her in the eye and all that shit. And you're like, what? That's crazy. And obviously that's silly, but sometimes I understand the amount of effort and energy a person has. You can't always give that away to strangers. You've got to save it for the stage or save it for the camera. No, people do take for sure where you're like, I'll say this, I fucking had to work all day.
You know, on a very fucking minor level. I had to work all day. And then we drove every night to do gigs in Jersey at the Stress Factory. And that tent show is an amazing setup. I love the Stress Factory. Great. And then after the show, I'm exhausted. Because, you know, it's one show down. I'm trying to recharge in the green room. And there's no one working the door there. So someone just knocks on the door. I assume it's the waiter. So I'm like, oh, yeah, come in. It's fucking dudes from the show. They're like, yo.
And I'm just like, oh, hey, man, can we do a picture? And I was like, yeah, all right. It's like eight dudes. And I'm just like, yeah, all right. And then they're like taking forever. And I said, guys, come on. So I'm sure they could be like, he's an asshole. But I'm like, just take the fucking picture. I'm trying to relax. I have to do another fucking hour 15 on the late show. I've been working all day. I drove here. I got to drive back. I'm tired. Of course. Of course. But they don't see it that way. But I don't think that it was like that with Ellen, from what I heard. I heard she did not have her staff's back.
Oh, that's different. That's different. Yeah, that's fucked up. I don't know. Yeah. These are your staff. You hired them. They're working for you. You want them to like you. Yeah. That being said, you got to give I mean, like it's it's I think there's there's there's nuance to this where being a woman in the clubs in the 90s could not have been in the 80s. Even she was she's been out for the 80s. You were a fucking woman on the road like that wasn't easy.
Sure, yeah, I'm sure there was a lot of like, hey, sweetie, ass slap, paying her less, you know, am I going to fuck the opener? She's the opener. She's a woman. There's all that shit, I'm sure. Well, they had to deal with shit in the 80s with like, if I have a bad set, they're not booking a woman again for months.
Yeah, those were the good old days But yeah, yeah It's true, no, you're probably right That's gotta be rough And she did Carson And Carson was like, they did a panel And he was like, it's gotta be tough being a woman She's like, you have no idea So that was, even as a kid, I saw that And I was like, really? And I like sunk in And it's not like she's not funny Like she is funny, she was a good comic Great comic So, you know, but be nice That's all I'm saying, be nice to people
Here, here. Yeah. It's easy to be nice. And like, I get it when you're like a guy, look, even I, I think, I don't think I was rude to those people, but like, that's a moment where I'm like, oh, they could probably tell people that I was like a little like cranky, but I'm just like, guys, I'm just like, I'm, you came into my green room where I'm chilling and hiding. Right. Well, you have more self-respect because I would just do all the pictures, the hugs, the high fives, and I wouldn't want to do it, but I would do it. And then I would just wait it out and they would finally leave. And I'd be like, ah, ah, ah.
But you actually, you did the right thing You stood up for yourself and said Hey, you know, this is all you I'm getting nothing out of this And this is one-sided Help me out here I'm happy to take a picture with fucking anyone I'm shocked It's like, you know, we've been doing this for a long time So you're still shocked that anyone wants to take a picture with you You're still like, holy shit I can't believe that that means something to someone
But at the same time, like, come on, man, if I'm if you're coming into my fucking area where I'm hiding, just like just have a little respect. Of course. Of course. Yeah. And a little awareness. You know, I'm trying to recharge. Now, what do you do for this one? Because I get this one a lot. I never know how to act. The guy who comes up, he's got you in the headlock and he goes, I love you, man. You can smell the whiskey. And he goes, I drove four hours to get here. And you go, oh, my God, thank you so much. I can't believe you did that.
And then it's quiet And he's almost kind of like That's it? I drove four hours to see you And you said thanks? I'm like, well, what do you want me to do? Make you a sandwich? I don't know what to do here You drove, I gave you a show, you leave I mean, this was your choice There's a line in the Dangerfield documentary Where Adam Sandler's telling this story And he goes, I meet Rodney He's my favorite comedian ever And he goes up to me and goes Rodney, you're my favorite comedian of all time And Rodney goes, hey, I'll tell you thanks, you know? And he goes, that's it? And Dangerfield goes, what do you want me to do? A fucking cartwheel?
Ah, it's true. It's true. I mean, I appreciate it. I just, I don't know what to do. Give you gas money? I mean, what do you go for here? You just say thank you so much. Give you gas money. It just never feels like enough. No, you just say thank you so much, man. It means a lot. I think you, what can you say? Except I'm so grateful that you would drive that far to see me tell my dumb jokes. I mean, you know, you're grateful. You're just like, thank you so much, man. I can't imagine.
All right. Yeah, I can because I took a fucking flight here. But no, no, no. You say I can. You say you're grateful because you are. I mean, I am. It is very appreciative. It is incredible. But it's incredible that anyone would go.
So funny, the first fucking night I'm on stage with at the Stress Factory in Jersey and Vinnie Brand, the owner, comes on. I don't know he's going to come on. So he just starts like, he's like, hey, come back and riff with me. I was like, yeah, what the fuck? Why not? So we're talking on stage and Vinnie goes, so, you know, you're going to come back to the club, right? And I'm just like, I'm here the whole weekend. What do you think? You think I'm just bailing on you? Yeah, yeah. What do you mean you're going to come back?
Did the same thing to me. He's like, all these guys, they get too big. They never come back. Romano, Seinfeld, Chris. I'm like, well, what do you want me to do? Do a weekend here every night? Like, they're doing theaters. I think Rock does go back. I think Rock will, like, work out there because he lives in Jersey. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he'll probably work out there and do, like, a fucking, what do you call it? Like, Oscars or something. Romano's in the new Scorsese movie. He's like, come back to fucking the stress factories. Right.
I know, I know. But I love Vinny. It's a great club. It's a great club, and Vinny's a great dude. And they're actually, like, they put up a tent and shit that works. It's incredible. It's, like, heated. You're not cold. It's insane. He put, like, 80 grand into it, I heard.
Yeah, and it's paying off. It's one of the best setups in the country, I think. I've done a lot of outdoor stuff, and maybe it is the best, and they run it beautifully, and it kind of feels like a community there. The crowds feel like they know Vinny. He knows the crowds. He's saying hi to everybody. It's a cool thing. I love it. Yeah, it feels great to be telling jokes, man. I miss it so fucking much.
I just miss our regular way of life Like doing this every night and hanging at the clubs I mean even this is fucking weirdly Just like
Like, I look forward to this where we're just like having a drink and shooting the shit. It's just like kind of nice, you know? It's necessary. Totally necessary. And like you go to a green room, I'm at the stress factory in the green room with an opener, Ian Lara. And I didn't want to leave. Like, he's like, we got to get back. It's midnight. I'm like a little longer. You know, we got, we got a, we got a chicken sandwich coming in. We got vodka, whiskey, sodas. Let's hang out. Yeah. I was doing tequila. I,
My thing is I'll do coffee on the early show And I'll do tequila on the late And I'll do tequila with lime It's kind of hangover proof It's kind of great I love it, that's my go-to as well All he needs is that squeeze of lime It's a beautiful thing A little Aviano Casamigos or some shit I'm good, dude Yeah, they say it has to be a clear tequila So watch out with that brown stuff
Yeah, I go clear. Or gold, I mean. But yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you. I don't do the... I mean, if you want to have like some Añejo or some shit, it's pretty good. But you're going to feel it a little more the next day.
There was one night at the cellar where me, you, and a couple other guys just did Casamigos straight up for, I don't know, nine hours. And we woke up. We swung the door open. The sun shines in. We fall out in the sidewalk. You fall into a cab. We throw you in. I walk home. I haven't been that hungover since the 80s. The next day I was like regarding Henry. I was like trying to feed myself. I was drooling. Oh, that was the worst hangover of all time.
I remember we would always have that late afternoon text. I think we'd be not talking to people until then. I'd be like, you're hurting? And you'd be like, I'm fucking hurting. You're almost grateful that it's not just you that's in that much pain. Yes, exactly. We're in this together. It's funny how much shit... We bring that shit in ourselves, but every once in a while, you just need that shit talk or that vent sesh where you're just like, fuck everything.
I know. And you feel good. It's so, those hangovers, because you just turn into like the most primal, you're like need to eat, shit, water, sleep, you know, you got a skid mark going, you got to order in like a hamburger. I mean, it's the saddest version of you of all time. Drip drop, do you do that? Pedialyte, any of that stuff? Yeah, I love Pedialyte. Game changer. I can just chug, if I'm hungover enough, I'll just chug the whole carton of it and...
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What, uh... Oh, what's your rec? Okay, I mean, this is an obvious one, but I've restarted the whole show again, so I got to. Sopranos season one, man. I have to. I hate to be a fucking cliche, but I'm re-watching the whole show. And I've re-watched the show probably 12 times. I'm obsessed with it. But I'm re-watching... I mean, it's like my...
Sopranos is my go-to because it's weirdly... For such a violent show, it's weirdly calming. Because it's so funny. It's so well-written. That's the other thing. I was watching one today. I went for a run. I was listening to it. And it's so fucking funny, dude. It's so... It was like...
Uncle Junior, the way he fucking talks and is like this old man, but he's such a fucking... They find out this kid he knew, his Taylor's kid, overdosed and crashed a car and...
He's like, this guy's still selling drugs. And Junior just goes, and what's this motherless fuck's name? Like every once in a while they have to do some personal shit, you know? And then it just cuts to Junior in the nursing home with Tony's mom. And he goes, ugh, even the coffee's old here. Ah, he's great. He's the funniest one. And that mom was such a coos. Like I would see her in a scene and I would get uncoupled. She was so mean. She was incredible. She was so good. Incredible.
Dude, Junior, my buddy, Reese Waters, he's like a great dude. He's like a sportscaster now. I know Reese. He did a couple of Lettermans back in the day. He's funny and he's like a great dude. And I knew him since I started. And he, uh, he was telling me he played pool with at the Friars Club in New York. He played pool with a junior soprano once, uh, Dominic Chinese and, uh,
He said, one of the nicest motherfuckers you'll ever meet. I was like, ah, it just makes you... You're just, like, happy that that's how it goes, you know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. That dude, is it Corrado? Corrado.
Corrado Soprano, yeah What a great name, yeah He's a badass I mean, you're probably still in the early seasons, right? I'm back on season one But I've rewatched the entire show so many times Six is a harder rewatch for me Because it gets so bleak Yeah When shit starts going downhill It's kind of like how the first, you know
Hour 50 of Wolf of Wall Street is a ton of fun. And then you're kind of like, ah, this last hour 10 is kind of rough. I don't know. Right, right, right. It's like Elvis's life. You know, it was unbelievable. And then cut to him dead on a toilet with a peanut butter and banana sandwich. It's like anyone's life. Yeah, I guess so. But, man.
Jackie Jr., when he comes in and then when Chris is all hopped up on dope, that is the saddest shit. But that intervention scene, I still say, is one of the funniest written scenes I've ever seen in television. I'm with you.
He sits on Cosette and Tony's obsessed with animal. He's like, you sit on a fucking dog. You didn't feel it under you. How do you kill a dog? And then he calls his mom a whore. So, uh, Polly punches him. I mean, it just, I'm dying. I'm on the floor. Polly's yelling at him. You're weak. You're weak. Fucking intervention. It's fucking gold. Ah,
I assume most people watching us have seen The Sopranos, but if you haven't seen The Sopranos, watch The Sopranos. It's fucking, it's perfect. It's a perfect show. Brilliant. It's got something for everybody. And I'd say the best character development on TV. Every character is so, there's so much depth to the point where you know what movies they like.
That's a good point. That's Renan's point. Yeah, I mean, Gary Cooper and fucking Tony watching like, he watching like White Heat at one point with Cagney and you're just like, ah, this is so many great little, the writers are so smart where you're like, oh man, I'm,
I'm learning shit. I just rewatched the one where he takes Meadow to college. One of the greatest episodes in TV history. He takes Meadow to look at schools and he runs into a guy who's in witness protection who used to be in the mob and Tony fucking kills him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's so layered where you're like, oh, you... No show gets like a sociopath and then also shows the family man side of him better where you're like...
Even with AJ, where he's just like finding out what his dad does and Tony just fucking... He's at the funeral for Jackie Aprile and Tony just winks at him and you're like, fuck, I would want his approval too. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. It's true because it's so real. I mean, we're humans with ego and insecurities. It's fucking...
Best thing, I'm sorry to give an obvious rec, but that's what I've been watching again So, I will finish Operation Odessa, and you gotta watch Rick and Morty Oh, I gotta watch that, I gotta watch that So good I struggle with cartoons, but I don't know why, I love the Simpsons But you're working on a cartoon I love Family Guy, what? Yeah, no, you're working on a cartoon, and you just said, like, three that you love, you know? Yeah, no, it's all me, but everybody tells me I sound like that guy
Like Rick? Yeah. Because you burp when you talk. Oh, is that what it is? He burps when he talks a lot. Oh, all right. I'll take it. I mean, dude, he said Rick from Rick and Morty is like the best character. Yeah, I want to hear what you say. You'll come back on a pod and we'll rehash that one point. Give me a pet peeve. Oh, BoJack is another good cartoon, too. BoJack's good. BoJack's fucking, it gets sad. I couldn't finish it. I was like, I don't want to, I'm assuming it ends sadly. I don't want to.
It puts me in a bad place, but I did like BoJack. Oh, yeah. All right, a pet peeve. I got two, but one of them is better. I wrote it down. I want to say it right. Okay, I'm going to try to recreate this because it happens to me all the time, and I fucking can't stand it. All right. When you mix up two things on accident and people dwell on it, you know, you go, well, you know...
New York City is the capital of New York and Albany is the best city in New York. And they go, oh, wait, hold on. I mean, Albany is the capital and they go, oh, geez, for a second, I thought you thought Albany was the best city in New York. No, you think New York City is the capital? Albany is the capital. I'm like, I know, I caught it. I changed it. Like, you really think New York's the capital? This guy thinks New York City is the capital. I'm like, I got it wrong for
for two seconds i know the answer i just and then they just keep hammering it on you and i'm like this is all you got you can't come up with anything on your own so you got a shit on my point that wasn't even good god i'm so with you it's like it's like you almost need to retake a scene a movie and the director's like nope you only got one chance at it and we're going with that you're a shitty actor now that's a great way to put it yeah you're like oh robert de niro was in star wars and harrison four was in good i mean harrison four was in star war robert you think harrison's
Ford was some good fellas. Like, no, no, I corrected myself. No, you said it. No backseas. No do-overs. And it's like they just, they want you to be wrong so bad. And then you go, no, I'm showing you that I know. And they go, I don't care that you know. I want to just fuck with you. Oh, that's so fucking funny. That's so, I hate that. I fucking hate that.
Hate it, they won't leave it alone That's a good one, because that drives me nuts I had a funny one, we had a funny thing I remember we talked about when we were doing clubs on the road Early on, and how that free meal meant so much to us And you did a club in Ohio And the guy's like, get the salmon And you were like, alright And they charged you for it Yeah, funny farm in Youngstown, Ohio He was upselling me, he's like A great wine to get with this swordfish is the red I was like, alright, bring it on And then $800 later, you know
Yeah, that happened to me in a club called Looney's with two E's in Colorado Springs. I'm not bragging, but I did a gig and all week he's like, you can have a drink. I'm like, I don't know. He's a fucking pussy, the bartender. And I'm like, yeah, all right, I'll have a drink. I'm like a young comic on the road. And then they fucking hand me a bill for all the beers at the end of the weekend. I'm like, you fucking pricks.
What a douche. They're making their money back. You're pressuring me. I know. Yeah. Brutal. How is Colorado Spring? That seems like a pretty town. It's like a naval base town. It's cute. It's like all right. I mean, it's... I remember I went to a Mexican restaurant there. It was great. It was cool. I mean, like the club wasn't great. I think they have a big... I could be wrong, but I think they have a big Vietnamese population too. It was... Yeah, it was good. It was... I mean, the club...
I think the crowds were like pretty nice. It's just the club kind of sucked. And I was a young comic on the road. I remember taking a picture. I like clubs that have all the headshots up and it had all like young Louis Black, young everyone, our boy Nick Griffin. So I took a picture of him. He's super young, black and white photo. And he goes, why would you fucking send this to me?
That's so romantic to think about those guys, you know, it's still some fire in their belly. You know, there are some hunger and they're going out to Colorado. These East coast guys were like, I'm going to Colorado Springs, whatever the fuck that is. They just wanted to get up. Fucking all. I miss it so much. The regularity of it. But, uh, my pet peeve is this is a dumb one, but when people are running late and,
they're running late and then they're like, all right, I'm like 20 minutes out, but they're more than 20 minutes out. It's like, I'm going to find out, just tell me, don't make me, you're going to, and then they're like, oh, it's like, there's traffic. I'm like, you're running late from running late now. Right. So, so I, I'm just, I got, look, if you're late, you're late. Um,
Uh, but don't fucking lie how late, because then sometimes you're waiting for the person on the street or something. I hate that shit. Yeah, it's, it's bad news and I've done it. I'm guilty of it where you go, I'm getting on the train right now and you haven't left your house. I've done it and I feel horrible every time, but you're right. It's a shitty move because you're gonna, it's, the proof is in the pudding. You're gonna show up late and, and,
It's not going to add up. So it's either you're lying now or you face the music later or whatever it is. But just, yeah, just tell the truth. Yeah, I'm with you, man. It's just kind of like...
just fucking tell me i i because i don't care that much i try to be on time i think punctuality is like you realize how important that shit is as you get older too where you're like you're fucking with people's time you're right this is their their you don't know how busy people are you know what's going on in their life that's the other thing like you don't you don't know what people are going through right now so just be respectful like i talked to a friend the other day i haven't talked to forever and he told me this fucking horrible story about his wife and i'm like
Oh, I didn't know that. You don't know what's going on in people's lives. So be fucking punctual and respectful to people, you know? Shit. Yeah, and the worst is when they're super late and you're like, all right, well, I got a hard out. And then they show up and you're like, well, now we only have this much time. And they get mad at you. Like, what? We'll never make it. You're like, that's your fault. We would have done it if you were on time. I love that.
When you agree to do something you don't want to do and then they're late and then you're like, all right, well, I still got to leave at this time. They're like, oh, come on. You're like, fuck you. Right, right. It's one of my favorite Todd Berry jokes when he's like, you ever have someone make plans with you and you don't really want to do it and they cancel? Oh, he's like, oh, sorry, I can't meet back up. I'm too busy dancing in the streets. Oh, fuck. That's great. You know what else? On a piggyback on your late thing, a pet peeve.
I was hanging out at my friend's house because I'm back in New Orleans, so I'm seeing some old high school douches. And the guy, I'm at his parents' house, and his mom's going, hey, lunch is ready. Come on down. And he's going, I'm coming. He's upstairs. I'm coming. And she's like, okay. And then he's still doing stuff. And she's like, hello, lunch. He's like, I'm coming, mom. It's like, no, you're not. She's calling you. You keep saying you're going, but you're not moving. That drives me crazy. I'm like, she's right. I'm with her. Damn. What a fucking prick.
Yeah, I feel like kids do that to their parents all the time. He's living at home? Huh? Is he living at home? Oh, he's a fucking loser. Yeah, he's a drug addict guy. He's a great dude. He's cool as shit, but yeah, he lives and still is at home. It doesn't sound that cool.
Yeah, I mean, he's fun. He's a fun guy. He's on pills and stuff. That's so funny. A fun guy. It's so fucking funny. Well, I feel like him not coming down to lunch on time is the least of his fucking mom's worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worry about the oxycodone or whatever he's... Oh, does he do that shit? Well, he's got all kinds. He's got like a jar of pills. It looks like mints and candy. And you're like, oh, that's a Zanbar. That's a Xanax. That's a whatever it is. A purple football. You name it.
fun guy it's funny the pills like that people take when they get because i've noticed a lot of like older when you're younger you take like uh you know speed coke shit that like gives you energy and shit but when you get older it's all shit that slows you down like ambient like it's all it's also you're like 7 p.m i'm fucking tapping out you know what i mean that's so true it's like yeah you go to college and everybody's doing adderall they're all snorting it they're all popping it and
And then, yeah, you get older and everybody's like, give me a fucking Xanax or a Klonopin. I want to I want to conk out on this flight. Yeah, you kind of want less time as you get older or you're at least more like you kind of know when to dip out. I think that's part of being older. Like when you're younger, you're like, I'll fucking be up for I'll be up till 7 a.m. Then you're older. You're like, I'll get up at 7 a.m.
Yeah, yeah You don't want your time to coincide with that motherfucker when you're older Yes, and you could say the same with sleep I mean, look at kids, they never want to go to sleep Then they want to wake up early And as an adult, you're like, I'm dying to crash I'm dying to sleep in, I gotta get a nap in You're dying to sleep Yeah, yeah, it's like weird I was driving to the gig with Shafi He drove our buddy Shafi Hussain and uh
I would, he could see, I was like exhausted. And he was like, dude, conk out for a second. And I just passed out in the car for like five minutes. And I felt so much better. That's a good guy right there. Some people don't like the nap car guy. I never am that guy. I always fight through it. But like, especially end of the night. Cause I'm like, Oh, I'm going home. I'll fucking coffee up, whatever. But like pre-show I'm like, I, I'm not going to have it if I don't,
And that's the first time I've done it in forever, years. Yeah. But no, one, they say like a six minutes of napping can really boost you like 80%. It's totally worth it. Yeah, that's wild. What do you got for news stories? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to throw out my Super Bowl tweet. So good. So relevant. That was such a good one. All right, let me just, hopefully nobody gets mad about this, but hey, fuck it.
Who's getting mad? I don't know. People who love Brady or hate COVID or whatever it is. Oh, fuck that shit, dude. I know, I know. Everybody's mad about something. But here we go. Also, we've said we respect the guy. We can't make jokes. He's the fucking greatest ever. You can't fucking make a comment? Good point. All right, here we go.
Today is the Super Bowl, so it's topical. Tom Brady is the COVID of football. He's thriving in Florida. He's put up huge numbers, and some people still don't believe in him.
That's a great joke. That's like a fucking perfect late night joke. Yeah, we got 700 retweets, so we're cooking. That's great. I had an idea for Brady. I saw an interview where he was asked if he and Giselle ever have sex on game day. And he said, I wouldn't say it's never happened, but it's not the time. It's time for prep.
I like that. I like the just image of Giselle trying to bang him. And he's like, not now. I'm thinking about Gronk. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I got to watch game film. The other idea is like about how Brady and Giselle met on a blind date in 2006. But like, I don't like that it's called a blind date because it's like, you know what they look like.
Yeah, right, right You're both on the cover of magazines It's not a blind date Yeah, I mean, we've all showed up to a blind date And you're like, oh my god, she's attractive, thank god Imagine being like, oh my god, she's a supermodel Yeah, like no one's going on a I'm going on a blind date with Kate Upton I hope she's pretty, you know Yeah, yeah, exactly Hope she's got huge cans Jesus, look at those knobs What do you got for Wait, well, let's hear yours
Oh, those are my ideas for the news. Oh, okay, okay. Super Bowl. Oh, right. All right. Yeah, that's great. Here's another quick one. This is the stupidest joke I've ever heard. Give me another. PETA wants you to stop using animal slurs like pig or chicken. And I said, PETA's getting a little squirrely. All right. There's your tweet, folks. Now we're getting desperate. How about this? Nike has unveiled their first hands-free shoes. Ooh. I said, uh...
Not hands-free for the Chinese boy who sewed it up. All right, we're moving on. Not hands-free for the Chinese. That's strong. That's good. All right, you got a bit? I had one other that was like a riff last night, but it was just like a riff on the Super Bowl. They were like, Mahomes or Brady? And I said, well, it's basically the 2008 election. It's a cool young black guy versus an old white guy.
Ha ha, oh that's good Off the cuff it killed That's a great connection Let's see, um Yeah, give me a bit that you're working on Well I feel bad because I'm two weeks in a row with a trans bit But I think I got something here Okay Chappelle It's pro, it's pro I mean, I'm fucking around Alright, so, but I think I got a big I got a big angle here And I did it on stage last night And it worked, but it still didn't
Okay. This sounds like a trans person talking about their piece. I've got a big angle. It's wonky. Yeah, it still works. I think you'll like it if you give it a chance. Please. All right.
All right, so trans women are now playing sports with biological women and dominating. And a lot of people are upset about this. And it must be how white guys felt in the 40s when black people started playing. Like, we can't allow this. We'll never win again. It's unnatural. That's fucking great. All right. And nobody gets hurt now. You know, it's not really, you can't really get offended by it. Yeah. What's her name? Jack Robinson. That's not a fucking woman.
Right, right. They're not the same as us. Jacqueline Robinson. Hey, that's good. I like that. Jesse Owens could be both genders. That's a great premise. Needs more, but I think that's the... And by the way, two of these that I've pitched on you that you helped me with are working now. Hell yeah.
My friend had a great idea, Eric. He said we should shoot this and then shoot the bit working on stage. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, his idea. Yeah, I love it. I mean, we've been doing this for years. I know. My idea was on, have you seen the documentary The Brooklyn 75? I love it. It's about the most corrupt precinct in New York history. It's hilarious. First off, I love documentaries that are like,
People who just clearly it's like the Odessa guy clearly have not learned their lesson. Like they're reminiscing about this shit like it's still cool. And they're like, would I change anything? Nah. And you're like, you're an unemployable, divorced loser. Like you wouldn't change anything. But so basically for the for the fucking bit was that they're talking about the precinct.
And they're like, it was the scariest precinct ever. Anyone would have been scared. It would have scared Clint Eastwood. And I'm like, oh, you mean a 97-year-old actor? No one would have fucked with us. Not Dustin Hoffman. Not Meryl Streep. No one.
That's great. That's great. None of the police academy. Steve Guttenberg. The sound effect guy. That's great. You couldn't say dirty Harry. Exactly. Clint Eastwood. That's hilarious. An old man who wears makeup and goes to a set.
Yes, yes, exactly. Fucking adorable. Clint Eastwood, by the way, still fucking kicking, man. Incredible. I know, I know. He looks good, too. He looks great. I saw a movie with my ex-girlfriend. She was like, he's kind of hot. I'm like, all right, take it easy there, Dilfie. He's a handsome man. Handsome man, great. Just like a, what do you call it, a tight skin. You know, a lot of old men get that loose skin. He's tight as a drum, but...
The guy who directed 7-5 also directed Operation Odessa and The Night Stalker. Wow, I just watched Night Stalker on your rack. Oh, yeah, Tiller Russell. He's fun. That motherfucker's creepy. They're just dead behind the eyes, man. You're like, this dude's got nothing back here. Nothing, nothing. And again, pre-DNA, they were going off a shoe print. Fucking crazy. Yeah, it's hilarious that they find a fucking...
Like a boot imprint And they're like We got him It's like That's how fucking primitive You did Crazy I know And people were tough back then Like it's California In the 80s or whatever Some guy gets shot In the face And chases the dude out
Yeah, I think you're just in shock and you're just like, fuck this motherfucker. But that was, there's that one part where they're like, yeah, if I got chased by a dude I shot in the face, I'd be scared too. And you're like, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, good point, good point. And I love that these cops are chasing him for years, literally years. And then a fucking dude on the street beats the shit out of him with a lead pipe. I'm like, yeah, a little street justice thing.
You see these kids, though, it's like, we should fuck it. There should be, like, tests for kids who would look deranged like that. Because, like, you're dead behind the eyes at, like, seven. Yeah, yeah. There's got to be some sort of treatment and rehab. Because, like, you can't just let that kid keep going.
I know, I know, but what are you going to do? Hey, the teacher comes on the loudspeaker. Hey, Billy Johnson, you look fucking creepy. Can you come in here? How do you regulate that? You throw him in a cage. He drinks water like a guinea pig out of a bottle. And you poke him with a stick until he fucking snaps out of it. I don't know. I think we're doing that at the border. I like that my idea is the worst idea Trump ever fucking had. I'm like, this is what we do.
Right We separated from his parents We put him in a cage Exactly No but these kids Really need like They need help Well he And then also you're like They were saying like Every fucking idea Like every bad thing That could have happened Happened to him But like Exactly
Isn't it kind of cool, though, and this is going to sound horrible, but much like a superhero origin, you know, this guy was a... He got hit with radiation or gamma rays, and he became the Hulk. If you do the negative version of gamma rays, they will become a villain. Yeah. Does that make sense? No, I know what you mean. Like, without fail, like...
It you're best case going to make them emotionally fucked. Worst case, you you're creating like a fucking supervillain. Yeah. Yeah. Supervillain and best case comedian, you know, molesting, beating, you know, all that shit. They used to keep them in a closet for a day. I mean, all kinds of shit. Or best case serial killer, worst case comedian. There we go. Either way you get on Netflix.
The shitty serial killers They gotta fucking They have to self-produce their documentaries They're like, it's on fucking YouTube This is bullshit That joke of yours I remember when I first heard it At the Fat Black Sitting on the stairs I think you were running it for a cordon
Oh, yeah. That's such a great joke about the serial killers. Are there serial killers at home watching serial killers on TV going, this guy sucks? Yes. That's so good. What a great angle. Yeah, they're watching pissed off like we are. Like, this motherfucker? I'm a way better murderer than this guy. Right. Two kills? I've been doing this for years. What a hack. I was watching that with Vecchione, and we both went, damn.
Mike's the best. The best. Another underrated guy. You did a track on his album, right? Yeah, yeah. That took so long. I know. That was a nightmare. We both lip synced...
A track I've never done this before It was really hard You're like fuck this is hard But we both Mark and I both lip synced the track For Mike Vecchione's It's for the Worst Kind of Thoughtful His album Yes Yes Incredible album Great album Both of his That one and Muscle Mem No Muscle Confusion Muscle Confusion They're both great But I think I think Worst Kind of Thoughtful Even took it Cause it had that 10 minute Megabus bit Where you're like fuck Oh That's poetry He's a beast
By the way, not to get too 80s, but whenever something is really good, we say, oh, it's poetry. But poetry sucks. Nobody likes poetry. But yet everything's like, oh, the way he swings that golf club, it's poetry. Well...
I think poetry at its best is incredible. All right. At its worst. And that's kind of what comedy is. Ah, good point. Good point. You know, at its best, you're like, fuck, I'll hear a great song lyric and be like, that's poetic. But if I, but you hear like bad music and you're just like, ugh, like this is bad. Yeah. Bad anything, but like especially comedy is. Yes. Bad music, you can kind of tune out. Bad comedy, bad magic, I feel like. Oh, yeah.
That's just sad. You see a 48-year-old guy, he's divorced, and he's doing the rings. He's trying to make four rings out of two, and they fall apart. And you're like, oh, this poor guy's family left him. You're in Vegas at one of the C rooms, which we've played. Yeah.
Uh, wait, you had something there that I wanted to... Ah, shit. Oh! When I was in college, I took a trip to Chicago with my girlfriend. I was like, oh, let's see Chicago. We've never been. And we went to an improv show at Second City. It was unbelievable. People shit on improv all day long. There's a lot of bad improv, obviously. But when you see good improv, it is...
I mean, it's poetry. It's unbelievable. It's poetry. It's so good. That's going to be a catchphrase for the pod. Do you remember when any of the guys go on to be big? Because that's a big Chicago improv. So many of the greats came out of there. Farley, right? Mike Myers. I think some did. Vince Vaughn. Yeah, yeah. I think some went to the Groundlings and then worked their way up into movies and stuff like that, like a lot of sitcom-y stuff. I don't know their names, but...
I mean, these guys were... I was on the edge of my seat. My jaw was on the floor. Like, how did they think of that? That was so quick. That was brilliant. You're lost in the scene. You feel like, you know, we're on the moon now. And you felt like you bought it. It totally worked. And everything... I would shout out a thing. They would run with it. It was...
Amazing And then you see some improv In a black box theater in Manhattan And you're like I want to kill myself I want to eat a bullet This is the worst thing I've ever seen I'm cringing I'm shitting blood I hate this You know What uh That's such a fucking It's such a funny That'd be a great improv name Eat a bullet Uh Yeah I did I remember I did a gig in Chicago Once And there was that Old I forgot the name of it I think the show is called Paper Machete And it's uh
It's at an old Capone bar You've done this before? Yeah it's like Yes You know yeah yeah So I did that gig And it's like a classic Cool ass fucking Old Capone bar Yeah It's green Outside is green Yes And it's right by the L The train Oh I did that room It's got a wraparound A roundish bar And it's like
I'm looking it up right now What it's called The Green Mill The Green Mill, baby The Green Mill Chicago, fucking classic Maybe that'll be our backdrop for one of these episodes Classic Scott Adsit from 30 Rock did improv Before my set and he was fucking hilarious He was really, really good Yeah, mine was a burlesque thing and I was the comedy It was so cool
and matt bronger was there as well it was fun oh chicago guy love bronger yeah and uh scott adstead though you're like this dude he's so funny on 30 rock so it's just cool to see him around doing like i love that i love that it's like when you see like bill burr pop in on a bar show you're like oh yeah yes um we should also plug the patreon man a lot of we already got almost 200 people we just started it's uh patreon.com we might be drunk
uh pod and then we also have a new email we changed the email because we changed the name of the pod so it's now we might be drunk at gmail.com join the patreon we'll read your emails your pet peeves your wrecks all that shit we also got it we got an ad we got to do yeah it's might we might be drunk pod at gmail so thank you harry we might be drunk pod at gmail uh
You know, pet peeves, Rex jokes, put it in the subject. We'll read it on the pod. You know, your drink, Rex. Maybe we'll do. I talked to someone after a show. It was in the show and stretch factory. And someone said we should do a drink.
Like we should take Drink Wrecks That should be an episode They choose what we drink I was like that could be fun I don't know I would love that I mean I like trying new shit I feel like I've had the whole range on alcohol So if you got a new idea Throw it at us We'll make it Joke premises are great One liners
Yeah, you name it. So bring it on in. And keep listening to the pod. Give us a five-star review. We love you guys. We're grateful for you guys. We're having fun doing this, so I'm glad that you guys are enjoying this. Subscribe on Spotify, on Apple. Watch on either on Mark or my YouTube channel.
Watch our specials on YouTube. Yes. And stay safe, and we appreciate you guys. Yeah, I can't believe we both had Bloody Marys. I loved it. Perfect. Because that's like a day drinker pro move right there. Yes, yes, exactly. Get a little flavor in there and a little sustenance. That's a vegetable, right? All right. We'll see you next week, and subscribe to the Patreon, and you get a second one. Comedy.