Ep 77: Bloody Mary
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it. We're back. Good to see you, man. You too. You look good. You too. Oh, thank you. I got eight hours of sleep last night, which is so rare for me. I got like six and a half, which is honestly, I'll take it. Six and a half isn't bad. It's not a horrible number. No, because you're going towards seven. Yeah. That's pretty good. It wasn't horrible. Of course, I got a year of construction in my building just, blah, blah, blah.

And you can't talk shit because he's got the hammer. Yeah, right, right. Where are you at on sleep mask? Would you do that? I do it. You do it? At home? Yeah, you don't? No. That's nice. I got drapes. Yeah. And they match the carpet. But, wow. What's wrong with it? I don't know. I mean, nothing to draw with. I just want to wake up and wake up. I don't want to. I got the Tempur-Pedic, so it almost puts pressure on the eyelids. It's kind of nice. I like it.

Man, that's pretty good. What about a fan? All my friends are going, oh, we got to have a fan going. That's like a lady thing, I feel like. Oh. The fan, because they always want it to be a little colder and the sound, I think. Right, right. Yeah. Women are always cold, but they also want it to be cold. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Remember that great Dave Attell joke? He's like, you know why women like a vibrator? Sounds like it's listening. Damn. Damn.

God damn. I know. He's the king. How do you find that angle? I know. Exactly. I've heard 800 vibrator jokes. Never heard that. That's a clean vibrator joke. Yes, that's right. That's why it's, oh man. Well, yeah, I like the noise machine. It was raining gently last night. I know. Which is like, oh my God. I think that helps. That's the absolute best. Yeah, because it's funny. If you go on YouTube, there's all these like sleep,

four hour sleep sound. It's like rain or waves or whatever. For me, they need to make a New York one. It's just hobo lady yelling, guy screaming, deranged guy talking about the government or whatever. A black Israelite like, you need to listen. I'm like, this is beautiful. Yeah, exactly. The Jews, it's like a Farrakhan thing. I was in Utah all weekend and I'll tell you man, every downtown is beautiful.

crazy right now. I know. What is that? Drugs. I mean, meth, people losing their jobs, but like, it's crazy because Vitor and I were like, this is like a video game. Yeah. We're walking by and we'd see a guy. I'm like, this guy looks like a boss. You know, he's like walking toward you like shit. It's like holding a knife. We're just, I'm like, all right, you go right, you go left. Everyone in Utah is either, is either that or like,

Hi, I'm Brother Gary. How are you? There's no middle ground. No. Well, I feel like the middle in Utah are these people, they have neck tattoo. They're ripped. They all look like ex-UFC fighters, and all the women there look like old porn stars. They got fake tits and lips. That's true. There's a big MILF community in Utah. Oh.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake. That's right. Yeah. They all have kids. Well, because they all got, the husbands wouldn't fuck them in their early 20s unless they were married. So they got married at like 22. Right. And now they're single again at 40. Yeah. And they're horny as shit because they haven't fucked their husband in five years. Yeah. And they don't drink because they're all Mormon. Oh my God. That looks creamy, dude. It looks like Thousand Island dressing. What the hell? What is it? Penne a la vodka? What are you making us here? I know. I know.

That's our fully loaded Bloody Mary today. What is it loaded with? Oh, we got everything in there. We got the traditional stuff, horseradish, worcestershire, some pepper, salt with a tajin rim.

And then we got a cornichon and stuffed olives on top. I love a cornichon. With your, you know, the obligatory celery stick. Yep. A little lemon juice, some Tabasco, and for an extra kick of spice, they added some red-eyed chilies in there. Damn! I'm not going to lie to you, it's the best Bloody Mary I've ever had in my life. Wow! Well, thank you for that. That is phenomenal. I've had a lot of these at airports. Let me see what's what.

I really hope I don't lose out to the airport Bloody Mary. Wow, that's damn good. You came in second to the United Lounge. Well, after 9-11, I had one. Celebration. This is really good.

That's crazy. That is amazing. And it's just spicy enough. Not too much. You got to make one for Peters, a producer who's apparently never had a Bloody Mary. How is it you've never had a Bloody Mary? Well, Peters hates vegetables. Let's be honest. Listen, we'll pop his tomatoes. It's fine. Look how much work he put into that. I'm not doing that. What? That's so much work. You can order it. Oh, okay. Are you a kill a hangover with a beer guy? Is that what it is?

I've only had like two hangovers. Oh, get out of here with that. Two hangovers. That's really upsetting me here. Sorry, I'll leave. I feel like I've had two hangovers this week. No, this is...

This is great. I love a Bloody Mary over mimosa. Those are like the brunch options, I think. But Bloody Mary you could order in like a shithole. That's why I like ordering mimosa in a dive bar. Good point. And also, I think you go for the Bloody Mary for the savory over sweet if you're like an eggs over pancakes for breakfast person, which I am. Yes. This is the hetero mimosa. Exactly. Cal Canaan has a great joke about like there's this guy who sent back a mimosa on a Friday night in a dive bar.

And I knew I could kill him. But then he sent it back, and I knew he was an assassin. So, you know, I just, like, who would order, you know, like, a brunch drink out of that dive bar, like, confidently? So, like, you know what? I just finished my Bloody Mary, and I got the fuck out of there. It's like Leo ordering a cranberry juice when he departed. Remember that? What are you, on your period?

Great scene. I just watched a four-hour Martin Scorsese breakdown. It was amazing. What is it? It's just on YouTube. I just get sucked into these. It just starts his whole career to the final movie he did. What's his last movie? Ah, jeez. He did Hugo. Hugo was good. Then he did Wolf of Wall Street. Great. I love that. Love that. Yeah, I can't remember now, but he's got all these other ones that we haven't heard. He did a Bob Dylan biopic. Right. I didn't see that. What's the last one?

Oh, Irishman. Oh, yeah. It was solid. Solid. Too long. They really spent way too much money on that anti-aging stuff. I mean, De Niro's body. It's like you saw him kicking the guy, and I'm like, this looks more painful for you than it does. I've seen the Jussie Smollett fight look more real than that fucking thing.

Yeah, that was bad. The last, I mean, you know who's amazing in that movie, though, is Pesci. Oh, yeah. Because it's a treat to just see Pesci show up at this point. So true. And it had all the usual suspects. It was De Niro, Pesci, Harvey Keitel. Yes. It was great. Great time. Keitel, kind of underrated, man. I agree.

Always brings it. Always. Decent hog, too. Is he a big dick? Bad lieutenant, you see a hog in there. Right. Yeah. You know, it's funny. I was just going down like a YouTube rabbit hole on the road, and I was watching Nicolas Cage bad lieutenant scenes. Oh, yeah. I remember seeing that in the theater and just being like, what the fuck is this? Ha ha.

It's pretty funny. It's funny, yeah. Cage is fun. Yeah. He goes for it. He's got that new movie out where he... Looks good. Yeah, he's just making fun of himself. It's like a meta kind of play on himself. Only he could really do something like that. It looks really good. Oh, yeah. And the fact that he's got these gambling debts so he has to do Ghost Rider 2, I find endearing. Ha!

It's like he's the norm of movie stars. Yes, yes, exactly. And he's good, too, on top of it. He's so good. He's almost too good for a certain movie. You can always tell when he knows he's in a stinker because he just overdoes it. And he's like, if I'm going down, I'm going down like a fucking G. Yes. Like Con Air face-off is so hilariously over the top. Even the National Treasures, they made a couple of those. Those are silly. Are they good? No. I mean, they're fun. They're like Disney horseshit. It's a fun action family movie.

Adaptation's incredible. Incredible. That's one of the best performances. That and Leaving Las Vegas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's a downer, though. Oh, yeah, but like Family Man. Family Man is solid. Is it? I think it's solid. I think it's a solid holiday. Like, is it cheesy? Absolutely, but it's like he's amazing in it. Okay, okay. He plays like the miserable rich guy who like, it's like, what's a movie that it's kind of a remake of? Hmm.

He's also in a movie called The Weatherman, which I thought was underrated. Yeah, it was dark. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty good. I used to work at Blockbuster, so I'd see all these boxes. I could see the boxes in my head still on the shelves. That was a great box. Great box. That's... I was about to jump in and you were...

So yeah, Utah, huh? Yeah, Utah's all right, though. Where were you? You were in D.C., right? I was all over. Listen to this run I did. Pittsburgh University. Oh, yeah. How was that? Great. This guy, Russ, who put the whole thing on is a genius because he took the show, took it out of the university and put it at the improv. So all the college kids came to the improv. Your turf. My turf. Different rules. He's like, say anything you want. He was like, they were nervous about your content. They watched your special. Yeah.

And they had some doubts. They didn't want to have you. So I said, what if we move them off campus? They said, great. Wow, that's a great idea. Yeah. So a hot show. Great. It's a good room. Have you ever been there? Yeah, yeah. Good layout. Right by those abandoned trail tracks. Yeah. Rail tracks, rather. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a steam, what do you call that? Steel town. Yeah. It's all those steel mines. Pittsburgh is cool. Cool city. I've had good times. I mean, we've got the Warhol Museum. Yes. We've got the...

Got some cool restaurants downtown. It's kind of a pretty city, too. I heard that ballpark is legendary, too. Beautiful. And you fly over. It's almost like Chicago. It's just like the river with the bridges going through. It's great. Yeah, Pittsburgh's cool. So that was great. Got out of there and went to Charlottesville. Did the Southern. You should do this room. Yeah. Killer room. I would, but the Jews can't replace you. Ha, ha, ha.

It was good. Yeah. Small, like black box, like 200 seats. I've done it. Oh, you did it. Okay. I've done it before. Yeah. Yeah. Great room with fat Chris Al. And we, we, uh, we, we hit that up and then we did Durham, the Carolina theater. So I rented a car, drove to Durham and then flew to DC the next day and did the Lincoln highlight of my life. Beautiful theater. It looked beautiful.

Chris Rock special, Killing Them Softly's there, and Bill Burr's Why Do I Do This is all at the Lincoln. Wow, three classics. Classics. And just, it hits you. I'm backstage with Chris Allen, like, what the fuck are we doing? That imposter syndrome? No. Oh my God, come on. When you go from the Pittsburgh Improv to the Lincoln Theater, it's like...

Who am I? What is this? You know, dude, you're putting in work, you know, it's, it's, it's payoff for the work you've been putting in. It's nice payoff. Yeah. So we had then the beauty of it though. Try to enjoy it too. I'm trying. Cause I understand. I feel it too. The imposter syndrome. Yeah. But at the same time, you know,

When you have these milestones, you gotta feel it. You gotta feel it, yeah. So of course, you're right. You gotta be gracious. So I put up a cheesy Instagram post because I was just beaming about the whole thing. I liked it, yeah, yeah. And then here's where the psycho kicks in. We do the Lincoln Theater. Sean Joyce goes, I got a brand new club.

It's 110 seats. You want to come do it? I go, I'm on my way. We go to this place called the Hotbed and just do bullshit sets. I saw the comedy artwork guy post a picture. It was of you, but with a mustache and fake glasses on like a bad disguise. I was like, is this supposed to be...

Well, it's a secret show, yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't, you know. Yeah, yeah. But it was all your people, though. Yeah, the problem was some of the Lincoln people came out to like, oh, we're going to go to the secret show, too. And so I'm like, eh, it's a lot of the same stuff, you know? Yeah, well, it is the same stuff, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I tried some new in there just because I felt guilty, but we all had a great time and...

You know, I mean, we're club guys. Look, these theaters are great, but it's just fun to sit in the back of a club and bullshit. It's a different type of show. Yeah. You have to kind of pace it a little differently. Exactly. It's less fucking around, riffing and stuff. But, you know, I did a Sunday. We had a Sunday on Easter, and it sold out in Salt Lake, which was pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, man, talk about some heathens, man. Really? I mean, hey, you're out on Easter in Salt Lake. Yeah.

These are my people. Yes, yes. That's such a great club. Great room. Keith is great. Keith is great. I love that place. And the NBA playoffs are on. It's like you have the game on the back, and then you go on. It's perfect. Hell yeah. I feel like a club is like a diner. We feel very comfortable in a diner, and then the theater is like a steak, white tablecloth. So you're like, this is nice, but I don't know if I fit in. Yeah, that's a good point. Mm-hmm.

But I love a diner. Love a diner. Oh, yeah. Diners always feel good. There's so much you can order. Yes. There's so much you could do in a diner. Right, right. The menu is this big with 8 million options. It's like porn. Porn used to be Missionary, Harry Bush, and...

What's that guy's name? Ron Jeremy. And now porn is like adopted trans immigrant does cartwheel onto dick or whatever. I'm like, do you have it not adopted? I want a nuclear family here. No, it's yeah. And Ron Jeremy's on trial for rape. I mean, that's fucking that's wild. Like you didn't get laid enough. You fat fucking pig. I know you didn't. You didn't fuck enough above your weight. Yeah.

No pun intended. It's hard to get above it. The Hedgehog, that's what they called him. Yeah. Yeah, just the ugliest guy. I think he gave hope to a lot of sad dudes. I don't think Sonic ever grabbed a woman. Tails, hold her down.

Well, he was fast. Yeah, look at this. I mean, he looks like a villain, too. He's so scary. You remember one night you were on at the cellar, I went on after you, and he was asleep in the crowd, and you just turn to your right, and you go, is Ron Jeremy fucking asleep? And I got a huge laugh. Oh, man. That's crazy. Oh, my God. Look at him. Whew.

He looks like Rape Santa. Doesn't he? Look at that shit. That's the worst cologne, by the way. Rape Santa. You don't want to spray that on. Holy shit. Wow, there he is as Mario. He's coming at you. Jeez. Scary guy. Well, Salacuse will be missed.

That's every comment about Salakius. Ron Jerry, Ron Jerry, Ron Jerry. Wow, I never would have seen that. That's hilarious. If we can get a side-by-side, that would be exciting. Maybe we can call Salakius Rape Santa. Rape Santa's good. The holidays. Damn, what a weird... Is that him? That's Sally. Look at that. He looks good there. Looks sharp. Yeah, that's back in the 70s. Salakius was still 24. He still wore Hawaiian shirts. He's still blowing lines. Yeah.

- Damn yeah, you know what?

Come on. You can see it a little. It's sad when Ron Jeremy's looking a little better. Well, that's very young Ron, though. He was young. That is so weird to just get into porn when you look like that. Yeah. When you look in the mirror and you're like, yeah, porn star. Right. Yeah, why not? I guess so. I mean, Stallone tried porn. What? You didn't know this? No. There's footage. He's in a porno. He couldn't make any money. He couldn't get a gig in LA. He was broke, and he did a couple pornos. Damn. Yeah, there he is.

Come on. It was before he started lifting weights, too. Yeah, yo, Adrian. Hey, nice piece. Not bad. You're going to have to blur that. Yeah, you got to blur. Wow. Big Bush, too. Jesus. Big Bush. Bush Senior. Holy hell. Good time. All right, all right. What are we doing? This is turning me on. This is awful. Can I give you a peeve? Please. Peters, you know what it's going to be. Pull it up. Pull it up. Pull it up.

You know that your boy, yeah, look at that. I'm on a flight yesterday. I'm one away from full flight. I'm hoping to get that first class upgrade. I'm one away. Yeah. I'm not. I'm in Delta comfort, but not bad. This motherfucker. Look at that. And I, people commenting like, well, it's his middle seat. He's allowed to have the, have the arm bar. Hey, I'm fine with that. The armrest. My issue is when the arm starts leaking into my area. Yes. That elbow. I now look at me. I'm bunched up. Totally.

Totally, yeah. Now this is crazy. And you're a tall guy, so you've got a wingspan. So now you're doing the arm clasp. I am. Which I hate because it gets your armpit hot. That's awful. You can't fall asleep like this.

Yeah. It's crazy. It wasn't good. Oh, and also, of course, I'm on three hours sleep. I'm trying to fall asleep, and you get the... Shout out to the flight attendants. I know it's a tough job, but you get them walking by, and they're just like, granola, cookies, pretzels, almonds, but granola. And I'm like, they all... You don't have to say it again. You don't have to reset every second. Exactly. And that...

You try to wave over to the other side just to even out a little bit, and then they hit you with the cart. Oh, yeah. It never ends. Then the announcements keep going, too. They were very nice, but I wasn't able to sleep because of that. But you know what? I also was like, it's my fault for not sleeping, so what are you going to do? Well, that's a four-and-a-half-hour flight, too. That's no joke. It's always longer than when you remember. Always. Utah? I mean, that's west. This is leaning into the—it's an invasion.

- That is. - It's an invasion of space. - Invasion of Normandy. Or Marilmandy. But yeah, it's crazy.

That is too much. See, what you got to do is every now and then just kind of do one of these, and then you hit his elbow, and then maybe he'll realize, like, oh, I'm deep into this territory. He's crossing the border. You got to call ice. He didn't do it for long. He went back pretty quickly. I kind of... Okay. Because what you do is he comes up for a sec. I slid right in there. Yes! So that way it's like a non-confrontational go fuck yourself. Right. He lifts. I go, oh, I'm sorry. That's the move. And I just kind of turn to him gently and then started eating seaweed snacks like this. Woo!

And breathing it on him. Oh, smelly. Those are the grosser things to eat next to someone on a flight. Totally. Just keep going.

there's that little crunch and the crackle yeah my lady eats those all day there's little seaweed drops all over the floor they taste great you smell like shit after you've been to oh yeah now top to bottom both smell like seaweed all right everybody come on what do you got for a peeve here's a peeve that I had this one on the road you ever get the guy who asks you a question and answers it yeah you know like the he's like what

what do you want for dinner? You know, the guy coming in about the show. He's like, we got a lot of great restaurants around here. I'm like, yeah, I'm hungry. Let's see. What am I going to eat? He goes, well, what kind of food do you want? Italian? I'm like, no, let me think. Let me think. Let me think. Maybe I'll do something Asian. Thai? I'm like, let me answer. He's asking me the question and then answering it. He's trying to get to the answer before I can say it. And it's throwing me off. Yeah.

He's like, what are you drinking? I'm like, he's like, beer? I'm like, let me answer. Yeah, it's like the game show of his life here. Yes. I mean, yeah, it doesn't help. Sometimes I don't mind when someone does it. If it's like a friend I'm with and I just am like, I can't decide. I'm so bad at deciding what to eat. Yeah. I always feel like I fucked up the second I do it. Me too. Indecisive. But it's like, I don't want someone...

Deciding the meal. No, no. You agree on the meal. You suggest. Yes. And then I couldn't figure out why it annoyed me so much. It's because you have to keep saying no. And I feel guilty. You know, he's like, you want Italian? I'm like, no, not really. And you can tell he's like, oh, geez, I've been throwing out 18 suggestions. And I'm like, well, I'll get it. You just got to give me a second. You're like a woman at a frat party. You're like, no, no, no. I know. I'm talking to Ron Jeremy here. Easy.

He's like, do you want cock? No, not cock. Penis. How about penis? How about balls? No, I'm good. But yeah, my parents do a thing. And tell me if yours do where they'll go like they'll go. Hey, so I heard you auditioned for that movie. Did you get it?

And I'm like, that movie was six months ago. And if I would have gotten it, I would lead with that. So now I have to go, no, I didn't get it. And now I feel like a douche. Even though they're trying to be nice and remember the shit, but I'm telling them no and the whole thing sucks. Did you book the movie? Yeah, if I booked the movie, I would have texted you, Mom, a month ago. I wouldn't have been like, I'll sit on that until we're completely out of stuff to say and let you bring it up. Yeah, no, I'm terrible at that. My parents do that all the time. I'm like, what happened with that –

With that movie, they went with someone else a year and a half ago. Yeah, yeah. We just saw the movie at the theater, but I wasn't in it. Yeah, but I get they're trying, but it's brutal. Yeah, I think you just start forgetting shit. Yeah. I think, do you ever just feel that way? You ever just like, did I do that? Oh, yeah. I think that's like, is that that we're run down and tired from bad sleep schedules, or are we slowly declining mentally? I wanted that too. Well, I'm noticing-

That friends of ours are repeating stories that they've told us already. And I'm like, dude, you're like 37. Why are we in repeats? We got our whole lives ahead of us. Let's go make some memories. Why are we talking about the thing that's already happened again? Right. It's a little much.

And I think people just have go-to stuff that they're like, oh, you said this, I got this. But I'm like, I already heard that story. And do I react like I haven't heard it? Are you rude if you're just like, there's a rerun here? Exactly. Is that rude? I don't know. Call in. That's tough.

I'll tell you what's not tough, this BM. I know. Can I get another one of these? Yeah, I think I'll do one more too. It is funny. By the way, the comments are going to be, you both said this 47 times. You're right, you're right. I had that once on a peeve. This peeve has been a repeat. Yeah, no.

So, I mean, you were all over the place, man. Oh, yeah. This is too good. Too good. This is a problem. It really is. This is the ultimate hangover cure. Are you making this spicy? Oh, absolutely. I mean, I feel a kick. Yeah. I mean, like, you can use a little Tabasco if you don't like spice, or you could add, like, something a little hotter. I like to add a little, like...

Pepper, not like jalapenos, but like some red-eyed chilies. Ones that will just give you that kind of bite your tongue, but not too much overpowering flavor. But you can go with habanero if you want. That's for the fuck. That's if you're nasty. Or if you really want to get crazy and have a lot of cool flavor, you can find nice fresh ones. Scotch bonnet peppers.

Yep. Oh, my God. How do you feel about the places that go crazy and they put, like, bacon and shrimp? Okay, so here we go. I love that. So, like, I was thinking about, like, putting shrimp in here or something like that and, like, just eating our drink today. But the thing about bacon... Shrimp, absolutely. That totally makes sense. But, like, bacon...

It looks nice, it's cool, but then you get soggy bacon, unless it's perched nicely on top, and then a greasy drink. And the last thing that you want a Bloody Mary to be is greasy. There's those places that will put a slider on top. And then eventually, as it comes to your table, the slider will just dip into it, and you get a greasy drink and a soggy slider. That's too much.

You know, I think that you can go crazy with, like, you can get some, like, pearl onions, any kind of, like, you know, pickles. Anything pickled goes really well in a bloody, absolutely. In New Orleans, we're big shrimp okra. Okra is fantastic. That sounds amazing. Oh, yeah, because it dips in, too. It's a long veggie. Okra is nice. Absolutely. That's a little harder to find in New York, though. Is it? Not really, but you have to go to, like, a specialty store, like, find it in, like, the, like, weirdo pickled aisle.

By the way, that's a wreck for anybody. Pickled anything. Pickled anything is fantastic. Pickled garlic. Pickled onions. I want to throw a pickled watermelon out there.

Really? No, that's not a big thing, but it's amazing. Sounds good. Pickled watermelon is great. It's spicy, but it has that tang to it, and the texture changes. It's really, really good. Watermelon is more versatile than we give it credit for. I mean, the Italians do the watermelon and feta, right? That's right. You can grill a watermelon, and a lot of the vegan community says that it

Has the texture of steak. I don't know. I haven't tried that out myself. Come on. Get out of town. They're getting carried away. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Look, I love watermelon. It's not... I'll give you like mushroom is not a bad for a sandwich. Sure, sure. But it's like when people say, the butthole feels just like pussy. Like, no, it doesn't. Come on. We all know you're full of shit. No pun intended. No, it's... Yeah.

Yeah, they're getting carried away in that community. Yeah. I don't mind that seitan, though. It tastes pretty good. The what? The seitan. You know, it's like the... They do it like Thai places will do mock duck with it. Oh, yeah. It tastes pretty good, I think. It's pretty good, yeah. Yeah. You know what else is versatile? And Andy Haynes is a great bit about it, but...

It's like cauliflower crust, cauliflower, buffalo cauliflower. There's all these cauliflower. How is this big? I think I've heard this. It's just something like, hey, it's cauliflower's agent. It's like, hey, man, I know we've been on ice for a while, but I got you back in every day. It's going to be a good year. That's great. You're back. That's a great joke. Yeah. I love jokes where you take some silly thing and make it another thing. We've been on ice for a year and we're back.

I'm so silly. Because when you were a kid, cauliflower was like, I don't want that, Mom. And now it's just everything.

You know what I just watched that's not good? Have you seen Batman, the new one? I watched half of it. It was so slow to me. It's not good. I didn't love it. It's not a good movie. And I hate how dark it is and he's so moody and shit. Like, yeah, I'm out. Yeah, it's like they were twisting it that I was like, all right. I mean, like, you just don't care. No, you don't care. That's what it is. Nolan, I care. I'm in. I cared a lot. Yeah. It's tough to... You know what I think part of the problem was? I think the other ones...

It's hard to start a superhero franchise without showing part of the origin story. We just come in like mid-Batman. Yeah. You gotta reboot the origin story and do it differently. Totally, totally. Even like the penguin guy. I don't want to give too much away, but I was like, he's not very penguin-y. He wasn't penguin-y at all. I know. I need some penguin. He's just like an Italian. Yeah.

He was like, oh, I went to the store. I'm like, that's not a fucking penguin. No, no. DeVito is a penguin. Now that's a penguin. I want the cigarette on the stick. I want some flappers, you know, a top hat at least. Same with Catwoman. She wasn't very cat-like. No, no. She had like one cat and she just like patted him. I'm like, you have one cat and nails? Right, right, exactly. And Michelle Pfeiffer like fell out a window and got like raped by an alley of cats. That's Catwoman. Yes. Hear, hear.

We just sound old. And she at least licked him. She went, she would lick her paw. I mean, we're talking cat stuff here. I think they were nervous because the Halle Berry one was such a bomb that I almost forgot they made that. But dude, yeah, I just kind of didn't care. And the actors were all really good. Sure. And it looked beautiful. Sure. And the score was good. You know what it felt like? It felt like a stripper in Tampa where you're like, well, you look great.

But I don't want to spend three hours with you. Ooh, you nailed it. That's perfect. That's perfect. Yeah, I think you're right. I'm not even like a big superhero movie guy, but I was kind of like, eh, it's got good reviews. Let me throw it on. And if I'm on my phone within 20 minutes... Yeah.

That's a bad sign. For a Batman action adventure movie, I'm on my phone. Get out of here. The action was pretty good. Sure. But the story, and the script, I just didn't give a shit. Didn't give a shit. I'm with you. I'll tell you what's amazing, and this is my rec for the week. We're talking movies.

Worst person in the world. I heard it's amazing. I gotta watch it. Holy shit. It is next level. I think it's Norwegian. There it is. The girl in it is amazing. I should have watched that. What was I thinking? It's incredible. I mean, it's subtitled and all that, but you don't...

Five minutes in, you don't even notice. You're so wrapped in it. It's just a whole character piece. It's all about her and her wishes and desires and how twisted she is and all that. It's fucking great. It also shows they don't have all the American bullshit where they have to have, we need eight people in a wheelchair for this to get made. It's just like a good movie with a good script. Yeah.

And it's a little slow, but it's good slow. Like, you are in it. It's like a Bark-A-Lounger. One person described it to me as a Woody Allen movie without the guilt. Is that accurate? That's perfect. Yeah, so true. It's very Woody Allen. And the other...

summary I got was it's hard to pin it to a genre. Like it kind of it fits in a lot of different things. Yeah, that's good. It's kind of rom-y but not really com-y. But then it's not like cheesy and mushy either. So yeah, that's a good description. I can't wait. I'm going to watch it this week. Alright, now these are a little redder. The period is hitting a heavier flow. Alright. You got to get Peter's one.

Don't worry, I have more. Okay, just checking. Peters, you gotta try this. Look at that.

It's like a garden of many assorted veggies here. Can you give me an extra little mini pickle? Thank you, buddy. Thank you. I love these mini pickles. The second one's even better. Fantastic. Is that what those are called? Cornichons. That is stupid. Dude, this is the best drink. This is the best Bloody Mary I've ever had. It's incredible. And I love a good Bloody Mary. Oh, yeah. What is that? What's the difference? With tequila. It's my ex. That was the last one.

You ever have a Bloody Bowl? Yes, actually. What the hell is that? That is some crazy shit. I was introduced to that by old school steakhouse bartenders. That is a wild drink. What's a Bloody Bowl? It's a Bloody Mary, but with beef broth, right? Yes, it literally just has beef broth in it. It's really good. It's good. It's just intense. It's definitely not for everyone. You know how you say Bloody Marys, you eat your drink? Yes.

That, you've got to eat that shit with a spoon. That's a hangover cure right there, though. Bloody Bowl. You get that and you get a burger and you're in business. Yeah, you're in good shape after that. Well, you're taking a nap. That's what you're doing. Yeah. Holy moly. Bloody Bowl. Bloody Bowls are intense. Actually, another great garnish for Bloody Marys in general is a nice smoked sausage. Oh, there it is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okra. Okra.

- Okra, yeah, exactly. - And cheese. - Yeah, meat. - I don't know about the cheese, but like the meat part is definitely, like a nice, really heavy smoked sausage on there. Fantastic. - Yeah, I feel like a Bloody Mary, you never would do this, but it would just go well with a steak.

Oh, yeah. But I feel like people always order like scotch or wine or something with a steak. You never order a Bloody Mary with a steak. That's a good point. Now, here's the question. Do you like V8 on its own? Yeah, dude. Me too. I'll order a tomato juice in the sky. Apparently, I don't know why. I've researched it before and for some reason I keep forgetting this, but there's a reason why tomato juice tastes better in Elevation than

because I'll tell you a tomato juice or a Bloody Mary in the sky. Oh yeah. That's a fucking nice, that's a good drink to get a little buzzed on. Definitely. And I think maybe we want the salt cause there's a lot of sodium in tomato juice. So maybe there's some kind of up in the air. You're depleted. Who the hell knows? But yeah, give me that salt.

I guess it dehydrates a little more, too. Not yourself, but the juice itself. So it's a little almost chunkier. Yeah. Oh, there you go. You're less sensitive to taste in altitude. So you need something with some real kick. There you go. Yeah, it's really good. What's your go-to if you're going to get drunk on a flight? What is...

That's a good question. I usually go whiskey water. Really? Or like whiskey soda, I mean. Whiskey and club soda. That's a good one. Yeah, it's just light. It goes down easy. It's bubbly. It's got a good flavor. Yeah. Because if I do tequila soda or vodka soda, I'll have too many. I need the kick of the whiskey to remind me like, hey, this is booze, man. Don't have too many of these. It is helpful to feel. That's why it's like, man.

It's like edibles. That's why you get way too fucked up. Yes. Stavi, our boy Stav, got way too fucked up on an edible to the point that he almost missed his flight back. Oh, no. I mean, he basically did miss his flight back, but he made it back still. Yeah. I've done edibles once on a flight on accident. I was with Chris Redd in Ireland. We did the Dublin Fests.

And he was like, hey, take one of these for your flight. I'm like, I'm a lightweight. He's like, this is nothing. Was that when I was there with you? Yes. Yeah. The second I was with Chris Redd, we took a ride to the airport together. And I was hungover. He's like, this will make you feel better. And it was a chewy thing. And I popped it. And I was high out of my mind. That's like a six-hour flight. I didn't fucking blink for six hours. I was like, who's that guy? Who's she? Do they know? They all know. Oh.

This kid next to me, he's a narc. I'm going down. That TSA is going to tackle me and tase me. I'm going to get that Asian guy thing where they pulled the guy off the United flight. Remember that guy? So I was just panicking. You just picture one of the flight attendants putting chloroform over your mouth. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, dude. I can't do it. I can't do the edibles. I hate it. I realize I don't like being high. I don't like it. No, no. I like alcohol. I like to take the feelings and just push them right down. Same. I don't want to bring them to light. I want to choke them out. Here, here. I'm with you. And people do it. People feel better. They smoke weed and they're like, I'm right as rain. Like, I finally feel leveled out. More power to you, but I'm a mess. It is funny that in the old school movies that doing that, like just drinking yourself-

Like until you didn't feel, cause that was the whole thing back in the day. It was like the strong silent type. Yeah. Now it's almost like you get street cred by having mental illness. Yeah.

yeah you know it's like i've always said like comics having mental illness is like akin or rappers like the times they've been shot or something you know but like back in the day you watch an old bogey movie and he's like you know casablanca he's just downing booze and he's like he's like play it sam if he can take it so can i just bound in a bottle of whiskey and that was like manly you know right it's so true though because i think struggle is cool like i came from the projects

or I'm from this fucking crazy nation and I escaped or the Holocaust, I flew to America. You're like, whoa, that's crazy. And if we're just whitey who grew up in the suburbs, we're like, well, I have, I'm bipolar or I'm depressed or I'm autistic or whatever it is. So we need, that's our, that's our thing. Interesting.

Because, you know, we didn't get bullets whizzing over our head. No, no. We had a soccer practice. We had an orange slice and a lunchbox. So we need some kind of struggle. Yeah, and we have the corchon. What are they called? Cornichon. Yeah, that's what I'm going to start calling my flaccid dick. Because it's tiny. Sorry, baby, it's cornichon. Yeah, it sounds nice. It sounds fancy. And then they get there like, oh, you meant...

Forget it, Jake. It's cornichon. But that's the thing is like back in the day, you had those problems. I mean, there were manic depressives and all that shit, but you just kept it in. I feel bad for like an old manic depressive who was like, people were just annoyed by it. Totally, totally. Like Sinatra was a manic depressive.

Really? Yeah. I think undiagnosed, but yeah, I think he was a manic depressive. People were just like, he's just an asshole, which I'm sure he was on top of it. Sure. But he had other shit. He had some real beef with young people like Elvis. He was like, ah, fuck that guy. And then Elvis got big enough, and they met on the Ed Sullivan show, and it was a big deal. But it was like worlds colliding. Damn.

There was a lot of young and old. Like, I wear a suit. He's shaking his ass out there with the long hair. Fuck these hippies. Well, it basically just comes down to, fuck this guy. He's different than me. Pretty much, yeah. Which is kind of lame. Yeah, I think so. And it's this East Coast Italian versus this sexy Southerner. Right. The worlds are colliding. Where was Elvis? Memphis? Memphis, yeah. Another hog. Nice piece. Take a, put Google in.

A lot of editing work for Matt this week. Bulge. Matt, how are you spending your Friday? Editing famous cocks. Well, you don't see it. It's not exposed. But it's quite a bulge. He's sitting on a porch drinking an iced tea and it's appalling. His dick looks like iced tea. Mark, why do you have a catalog of famous cocks? I guess because you never see them. So when you see an imprint, you're like, all right, noted. Yeah.

But also, there's a great video of Elvis backstage and he walks out of a green room and goes, "Oh, oh, oh, that lady gives him good head, ha ha." And then he goes on stage, yeah.

Because I can imagine the amount of women just lined up to blow this guy. It must be insane. He was the most famous guy on the planet. I just read the Lakers Showtime book and the amount of ass that all the Lakers in the 80s got. Picture Los Angeles in the 80s. Oh, my God. Coke was king. There was a great story about Magic Johnson. He loans his car to a friend, and the friend said the car lit on fire. It blew up, and Magic on the phone isn't even mad. He's just like, did you save a number in the glove compartment? Ha, ha, ha.

Because that's how much ass he got. He was like, shit, there's ass in the car. I mean, the amount of pussy that these Lakers got, it's like comic. I'm sure it didn't slow down in the early aughts. I'm sure like, you know, but...

It's crazy. I did a gig in Portland. I was staying in a nice hotel. I was with all the... Whatever team was playing the Trailblazers. And I was in an elevator with like eight hookers. And they were all going up to the suite to meet the... I don't know who it was. The Phoenix Suns or whatever it was. But...

They were all 11s. They were all taller than me. They were all cleavaged out and everything. And they were so excited to go fuck these basketball players. That's awesome. It was awesome. Everybody wins. They get laid. They get laid. Everyone's happy. Yeah, dude. I mean, the story was James Worthy, who came from the Lakers star in the 80s and early 90s and came from this religious background. And then a story broke that in Portland...

he was soliciting prostitutes and it turned out you know it was just cops that was right so we got busted and it was a big news story and he was married so everyone's like if the good guy is doing this right what are the bad dudes on the team doing so it was you know bad press but it's like that's just the time it was you know well where are you at on prostitutes like i

- It's not-- - You don't like it? - No. - Really, I mean not saying, what I'm saying, how do you feel about it in general? - Oh, I think it's your body, you should do whatever the hell you want, but for me, I would just like, I regret consensual regular sex. So like why, I'm gonna pay for it too? - Right, right, but they need the money maybe.

They're into it, maybe. Yeah, but it doesn't mean I have to give it to them. Sure. There's charities. But I think some people, if you go, hey, that guy gets a lot of whores, they go, hey, fuck that guy. He's a weirdo. I think do whatever you want. I'm not, no judgment. Yeah, yeah, same. How about you? I feel the same way. I think it eventually will be legal. Well, it is legal in a lot of states. Is it? I mean, isn't sex work legal in, I think it's legal in Nevada. I think it's legal in-

I mean, if you can put drugs in your system, I've always kind of been the opinion like it's your body. Yeah. I mean, it's. I agree. I think if I was a parent, I would feel differently. Probably, you know, like like the grooming shit is what is. Well, yeah, it's fucked up to me. It's like when it's like when they start super young. But, you know. Sure. No, I'm with you. There you go. Only place is allowed and is in Nevada.

Well, yeah, they had that cat ranch show, remember? Oh, yeah. Remember that dude? He was at one of my shows once. Bunny Ranch. Yeah, what was his name again? Oh, yeah, he seemed like a cool, fun guy. He wasn't. To me, at least. Oh, okay. I remember this must have been, okay, yeah, what's the guy's name? Yeah, I think there's a documentary on this guy. You know who he was? He was like the dude in Big Lebowski where you're like, that guy draws a lot of water in this town. That was his energy of like,

Dennis Hoff. Yeah, I met him. I was opening for Jim Florentine in like 2010 at Comics. Wow. And Florentine's awesome. Yeah. Super nice guy. Good guy. And he was at the show and he came in the green room with like these hot women. Yeah. And...

He just wasn't very warm to me. I think he just was like, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's wild. You wouldn't go to the Bunny Ranch? No, it's not my thing. But the woman... I would go to just take a look. You know, you want to scope it out. It's like going to the Cheesecake Factory and just being like, I just want to look at a menu.

Look at the cakes behind the glass. Let me look at that. Oreo. Look at that. All right. I'm out of here. Great stopping in. It looks great, but I'll feel horrible after. Well, also the woman he was with was like, you're really funny. I think that he didn't like me. Oh, well, of course. Because he's like an old dude. That'll do it. Threatened. I mean, he had no reason to be. I'm sure I had no shot. But I think, you know, but I think at the moment, you know, her just saying that was enough for him to be like,

Fuck this guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I forgot why I brought it up. Hold on. Prostitution. Vegas. Vegas. Oh, Vegas, yeah. No bigger soul crush in Vegas than when you're like, I'm at a bar playing soccer.

penny slots. I'm drinking free gin and tonics and some hot, beautiful woman sidles up next to you and is like, hey, I like the way you pull that crank. And I'm like, well, hell, you know, look at me cleaning up in Vegas here. Then your eight friends are like, yeah, what's going on with you and that hooker? You're like, ah,

That's not a hooker. We're in love. Yeah, that's Susie. Don't talk about her like that. Russ Meneves have a great joke. Russ has got a lot of great jokes, but I love the one he had about, you ever be like, it's $300. I'm like, oh, what a coincidence. I am also a prostitute. I'm $400. I will waive my fee if you're willing to waive yours. Wow, that's great. That's great. Ha, ha, ha.

Wait, Tom Segura had a very similar joke as well. Oh, really? He does. Oh, no. I can't remember how it goes. Well, look, every joke's been done, folks. This is the most fun thing you can do in Vegas. You know, you go to a prostitute on the street, and you're like, you know, $50. And she's like, more like $500. And you're like, bet.

And you go back to the hotel room and she's like, show me the money. And you're like, no, you show me the money. I'm a prostitute too. I'm just trying to give you a deal. It's also, yeah, look, every joke's been done. What can you do? Oh boy. Let them fight it out. Both, both hilarious comics, obviously. Yeah. But that's the difference between men and women right there is a lady. A hot lady will sit next to you. Who's a prostitute?

I don't think that works the other way. Can a hot prostitute man, or what is that, a gigolo? Can he go up to a woman and be like, hey, hey? And is the woman like, this is awesome? Yeah, probably not. Probably not. I mean, they made a couple of movies about it, American Gigolo. True, true. But I think you've got to call him, he comes over, he massages their feet or whatever. Yeah.

Cinematic classics like Deuce Bigelow, which are based on real life things. Yes, yeah, that's a great documentary. Deuce Bigelow. They made two of those fuckers, by the way. The European Gigolo. Yes, exactly. One of the worst movies ever made. Really? Well, at one point, there's a lady with a nose that looks like a dick and she blows her nose and he's like,

ah, cum shot, you know, this fucking jizz goes there. It's so bad, but it's fun. Yeah, I liked the version when I was a kid, but I was a kid. Same, same. I haven't seen it. It's fun when movies like that exist. Like, we're allowed to be this retarded and silly, you know, that's nice. Yeah.

It's good. I grew up watching Three Amigos. I love that movie. Love Three Amigos. It's so silly. That's Tropic Thunder before Tropic Thunder. Exactly. Oh, good point. I never thought about that. That's a great flick. I saw Tropic Thunder in the theater. That's a great one. Great movie.

Yeah, classic. It's weird. I mean, by the way, shout out to John Lovitz because I just feel like every time he popped up in an old movie, it was just always solid. Always solid, yeah. Is he gay? I don't think so. Well, you should tell his voice. All right. Okay. Jealous. How does he say it? I mean, dude, John Lovitz was great. High school high. Yeah.

Yeah, I love that movie. Huge. Classic. I had the VHS. Me too. Classic. What do you got on a rec? Rec? Oh, man. I don't know, man. I have so many. It's funny. I was taking a walk the other day. I was feeling depressed, and then I took a walk.

Walk is underrated.

Revisit your childhood. Revisit dumb shit that makes you happy. Like, I'll put it this way. Oh, okay. The good parts. The good parts. No, no, no. Not the bad parts. Got it. Focus on the good. Like, take a movie that you loved as a kid. And sometimes you'll be watching and be like, this is a bad movie. But sometimes you'll be watching and be like, yeah, this is fucking... I'm laughing really hard. Yeah. Like, Happy Gilmore was on TV. I was like, I'm laughing my ass off. And then Billy Madison was on TV and I was like, I'm laughing my ass off. Yes. And it's just like...

Revisit movies. That's my record. Revisit movies you loved as a kid. And sometimes you'll be like, eh, but a lot of the time you'll be like, yeah, I was right. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I had one of the great moments. I was at a Christmas vacation or Christmas dinner with a bunch of my girl's family. I was at her place in Cape Cod. And it's all these 10-year-olds running around, 12-year-olds. And I go, we got to watch a movie. We're watching Happy Gilmore. And they're like, what's that?

I'm like, it's a movie from when I was a kid. It's really funny. And they're like, oh, it's going to be so boring. It's probably like, you know, anything from the 90s. They're like 90s. That's like the 50s for us. And I'm like, it's good. Ten minutes in, they're howling, laughing, they're dying. The moms are all freaking out because there's some touchy spots in it. But they loved it. And I remember being like, all right, I was right. It's so good. So good.

Just, and dumb good. Like, just nothing pretentious about it, just silly and, yeah. Yeah. That's my rec. Revisit something fun from your childhood. I like it. You're going to feel good. I like it. Ferris Bueller's mine. Amazing movie. Amazing. 1986. That was your go-to comedy as a kid? Easily, easily. Number one. I mean, I loved Animal House and Caddyshack and Three Amigos and whatever. Beverly Hills Cop. Yeah, yeah. That was big. What about Bob? Ghostbusters, all that shit. But Ferris Bueller. I felt like I wanted to be him.

Yeah, he was cool. Yeah. It's hard to be cool in a comedy, and he was cool. Yes. That's one bummer thing, watching that Scorsese doc. Every year he's trying to win the Academy Award. He can't do it. He can't do it. But the Oscars look so fun. Nicholson's got the sunglasses on. He probably did blow off a hooker's ass in the green room. Like in The Departed, he'd just smack it everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is what he won for, Scorsese, eventually. But it was just fun. It was Hollywood. It was glitz. It was glamour. Now it just feels... It's lame. It feels so tiptoe-y now. Like, can we do this? Can we do that? Eggshells, eggshells. Everybody's mad at us. Everybody's in trouble. Twitter's pissed. Their instincts are terrible. Yes. It's a big problem. It's like... Jim Carrey put it perfectly. Like, they were... Like, we're no longer the cool club. Yes. Yeah, you're not. I mean, it's just the truth. I mean, you guys...

You blew it. You blew it. You blew it. I mean, like, there is this, like, virtue signaling holier than thou vibe they have where it's like no one wants to fucking hear that shit. No. No one wants to be told who to vote for by an actor. No one wants to be told how to think by someone who reads lines for a living. Yes.

Sing it, sister. Be an entertainer. I agree. I think it's important with comics, guys like us, to remember to just be fucking funny. Because that's the job. That's how we got the job. Right. We didn't get the job by being like, here's how you should vote in this next election. You know what I mean? If you can make it funny, make it funny. But when you're leading with that shit, and the Oscars just seems like...

The way they handled the Chris Rock, Will Smith thing. Well, yeah. I mean, first off, just like not immediately being like, fuck you. Right. Exactly. And they got up their own ass. And I think the pandemic revealed how worthless and untalented and interesting they are. Like, look, Daniel Day-Lewis is a talented motherfucker. Leonardo is a talented guy. But like these black and white videos and the people like,

needing attention again, but now they have no money. They need handlers. They need handlers, yes. Chelsea handlers. So it just sucks because you're like, I'm watching the Oscars in the 90s. I never missed it. I was like a little theater queef. Me too. I was like, oh my God, the Oscars are on. Oh man, they're talking about L.A. Confidential. Oh boy, whatever. And now it's just like, they're just going which way the wind is blowing and it's so obvious. And who cares about what they think? I don't care what Bradley Cooper thinks about

this event, you know, or that event or that news story, like go act, go kill it, make some good movies and move on. There's a, there are people who have followings for their views and they, none of them are actors. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. You know, we have that already. Yeah. Yeah. Just, we need to, but even those people kind of bore me because they become predictable. I mean, like there's people I follow on Twitter, you know, right wing people, left wing people. And, and,

They just you just know what they're going to say on every news story. Some of them surprise you. I will say something funny, but there's people like when the masks, you know, no longer you have to wear masks on airplanes and they're just like, you know, I'm a good. So now you'll have you can't tweet about this for a second. This is all you've tweeted about for two and a half years is masks and covid masks.

Find something else to talk about. Yes, please. We're done with COVID. Enough. Yeah. Yeah, move on. I mean, we're not done. People are still getting it, but you know what I mean? Well, true. But we're fucking ready to live. Yeah, but go improve your own life. Everybody's just like, this is wrong, that's wrong, that's bad, but their life's in shambles. Go fix that shit and then come back to us with all your opinions about the world and society.

Yeah, I'm with you, though. I used to watch the Oscars in the 90s, and I just thought Nicholson was the coolest. Oh, the best. Because I grew up on those movies. I remember seeing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I was blown away that that was a movie. I know. Same. I was like, this dude is like... I relate to this guy. He's pestering. I know it's also a bigger anti-authority type thing where you just hate her. Sure. Nurse Ratched. But...

you know, and then you get older and you're like, yeah, it probably wasn't a fun gig for her either, even though I, even though I hated her. But, uh,

But how do you not identify, especially young aspiring comics like us, even though maybe we didn't know we wanted to be that yet, you look at that and you're like, Nicholson's like, he's fucking funny and he's cool. And he's, yeah, it's the best. It's the best. Old movies, classics, there's nothing better, man. But what's crazy with this score, and I keep bringing back this Scorsese doc, but it hit home, is like, he's this avant-garde Italian kid from the village. He's weird. He's making these crazy movies with blood and guts and...

Like he made a Jake LaMotta movie. Everybody's like, who the fuck's Jake LaMotta? You know, he makes these weird choices. And in black and white, he did it. Yeah. And nobody would give him love. And he felt like he couldn't break through. And a lot of bombs, a lot of failures, a lot of movies went way under. Like, you know, he spent 20 million to make it, but they made 3 million at the box office. The producers hate him. The investors are furious. And he just, you know, became a cokehead and whatever. But like.

He kept going, and then he made something. He made After Hours, and that did okay. Underrated movie. Underrated. But yeah, he makes The Aviator, and everybody's like, damn. And so we focus so... It's just like comedy where we focus so much on what they're saying and not what the point is. They're like, this movie is so violent. Cut it out. And you're like, I know, but look how it touches on the Italian lifestyle or whatever. And they would miss all that because they just thought he was this cokehead...

like a scary movie guy or not scary but like they would just focus on the violence instead of focusing on this brilliant filmmaker it's the same people in the comedy crowd who are like you said the word rape I'm like yeah but the rest of the joke is how it's bad I know you know it's funny you know uh

He's stuck in the pocket, though, and you build a following. You just keep making great shit. Yeah. But it makes a lot of sense. The criticism is crazy. They'll be like, Casino? It's just Goodfellas Light. And you're like, I know, but it's still a great movie. It's still fun. Goodfellas Light is better than...

95% of the movies this year. It's a good point. So it's worth watching because there's a lot of times where he's just down and out and he's like, I can't go on. I can't keep making this shit. It's too hard. I pour my heart out in these movies and they trash them. Nobody goes to see them. And you see De Niro like, you got to get back in there, man. Come on. And this is on YouTube? It's on YouTube, yeah. But it's dense.

Well, you know, the thing about it, too, is when you make as many movies, when you're as prolific as he is, you're going to kind of hit similar territory. It's unavoidable. Of course. Woody Allen's as prolific as any filmmaker ever, and there's a lot of like, oh, another movie with cheating and murder? It's like, yeah, you're going to hit the same shit sometimes. Yeah. But...

That doesn't mean that it's still not good or you find a different way in. I mean, same with standup. We will retread similar ground sometimes in a special, but that doesn't mean we can't find a new way in. Right.

Exactly. And you know when the industry is not fucking with you, but all these comics are? Isn't that such a flattering thing? That's what he had. Like all these actors, even though his movies were bombing, like Bringing Out the Dead bombed. He lost a lot of money on that. Yeah, you haven't even seen it. Is it good? It's all right. It's a little much. I didn't love it. But...

But he's still great. Great. It's still great. Great people are going to miss sometimes, too. Yeah, exactly. And so a lot of actors and actresses were like, I want to work with Scorsese. Holy shit. So you got to remember that even when you're when we're having trouble struggling, we can't get an hour. We can't do this. We can't do that. The comics still look up to you. And that's what you got to remember.

So, really interesting stuff. Really cool. I love any biopic. I'm obsessed with artists and all that shit. So, I'm watching the Tarantino one next. You know what's interesting, too, is a movie like Taxi Driver is so... I feel like so many people could like that movie for different reasons.

Yeah. There's a lot of ways to read into a movie like that. Totally. I feel like you could be dumb as shit and love that movie. You could also be like an intellectual and love that movie. Yeah. There's so, I mean, there's so much to it. Um, I agree. I always go back to the Simpsons. It's smart. People like it and dumb people like it. It's a, it's a brilliant show. What's your favorite? What's your number one for square? Well, give me your top five. Oh,

It's tough, right? You don't have to do it in order, but just give me the five best. I think Raging Bull is up there. I think Taxi Driver's got to be in there. Obviously, Goodfellas. I would put Casino in, and then I might go...

I love Cape Fear. I love Wolf of Wall Street. Me too. I love After Hours. I love After Hours. I love The Color of Money. I've watched 800 times. But like Kundun, that one, no one saw that. Was it good? He went to China and all this shit and spent all this time. George Harrison doc was good. That was great. So yeah, he's got a ton of good ones. So wait, so what's your five? Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Casino and what? Uh,

I don't know. Color of Money, After Hours, Cape Fear. I like Wolf of Wall Street too. Wolf of Wall Street is a good one. Gangs of New York as well. Gangs of New York is good. It's tough. Do you have a five for school safety? I was going to say Gangs of New York definitely has to be up there. The Aviator is pretty awesome, I think. Yeah, Aviator is well done. Especially when you think about the backstory of that guy, how he just became this crazy hermit. Sad, sad life.

There was a story, wasn't there? That guy in the pockets, Malcolm Gladwell, the guy who did the fake interview with, what's his name? Howard Hughes. Howard Hughes. By the way, you look a little Howard Hughes-ish. I do? Have you seen Howard Hughes? No, I don't think I do. He's got a mustache, so that's going to throw it off, but he's got a murill in him. I don't think so. Hold on, pull him up. He looks like Iron Man's dad in those movies. A little bit. Come on, look at the eyes.

He's a handsome guy, by the way. Yeah, he was a giant playboy. He was like the Hugh Hefner of his time before he became all reclusive. I don't think I look like him. I'll take it, Mark. Look at that. That's a good looking guy there. That's why I don't think I look like him. His hair is straight. He was the Elon Musk of his day. Look at that. That's for real. When you're old, you're going to look like that. That picture, I see it a little. Holy shit, yeah, a little bit in that one. He's a tall, thin man as well.

The Thin Man, one of my favorite books. Oh, yeah. Great book. Dashiell Hammett, that's a wreck if you've never read that. Oh, there you go. He was a Pinkerton. He was a detective in his day before he wrote those books. The Thin Man. Witty as hell. Pinkerton? What is that? The communism thing? It's like a detective type thing. Oh, okay. And, you know, he...

He really solved cases and it's like about this. It's the coolest setup for a thing where it's the wife, Nick and Nora Charles, and the wife is, she's rich and he's a retired cop. So he just is like a rich retired cop. So he's got the muscle and the resources. It's just a perfect setup and they're both super witty. It's great stuff. Okay. But yeah, they made a movie. The movie's supposed to be good too. I never saw the movie. But what we talked, oh, let me give you my five. Please. Please.

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So give it a shot. Come back. Say like, yeah, I'm doing this again. 20% off again. Diet smokes, Delta 8. THC gummies are not for use or sale to people under the age of 21. Please use responsibly. Diet smoke isn't light. It's just red. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver. And then Departed is so much fun too. Departed is definitely in mine. I love it. If we're talking rewatch value, that's number one for me. Yeah. It's the funniest.

It is funny. Baldwin. Baldwin's hilarious. Wahlberg's hilarious. Nicholson's hilarious. Right. Leo and Damon are great. It's a great movie. Yeah. People are like, it's overrated. Because it's over the top. It's way over the top. But who gives a shit? It's fun as hell. It's fun. If that's on TV and you don't finish it, you're fucking lying. Yeah.

Saw it in theater twice. Yeah, same. I loved it. I think I might have to put After Hours in mine just because I love it. Okay. It's hard to not put King of Comedy in there too. I know, which also bombed. But I might go, I mean, dude, Wolf of Wall Street's so good. It's so good. Hard not to put it.

Wolf of Wall Street. I know. I know. The Jonah Hill stories are great. That's why these docs are so cool because they're so they get behind like Matt Damon had to audition for the party. He's like, you got to get me in there. I'm a Boston guy. And he was like, I don't know. I don't know. And he killed it. He killed it. Yeah.

By the way, the departed, there's an X in every scene where people die. The kid getting groceries in the beginning, when Matt Damon has groceries at the end, it's the same contents in the grocery bag showing that he was with Jack Nielsen. I mean, there's so many Easter eggs that they cover everything. Raging Bull, yeah. Hard not to put Raging Bull in there, though. Are you guys leaving out Shark Pit?

- I love Shutter Island, dude. - That was a big hit for him. - That's a great movie, dude. - I never watched it. - Oh, it's great. - I should watch that. Remember the beach?

the beach pretty good pretty good leo that made that apparently in street led to a huge like tourism thing and then like a huge uh like uh like you know crime against the tourist thing and then a huge conservation thing so it had this like like kind of waterfall effect interesting

That was back when movies could make a splash. We used to just sit around and talk about certain movies that came out and what they did and they had an effect on the country. I feel like that doesn't happen anymore. You know what I loved is...

I mean, any score. I love when he just trashed Marvel movies. Yeah, I did too. He got a lot of shit for that. Cause I also like, do I like some of those Marvel movies? Sure. But enough, man. Like it's like, I get it. Like it's a business and you're, you're all of these are making bank, but like, yeah, people were like, we're shocked. You're shocked at a, one of the greatest artists of our fucking time. Doesn't love theme park ride movies. I know. Like it was on, it was on point. I thought, I thought it was awesome. I agree. I love, uh,

That's what I hate about these industry queefs. Sorry to cut you off. They all go, I love Scorsese. I love Kubrick. I love Coppola. And then they go, but we got to get this Hawkeye movie made. And you're like, Hawkeye? It's going to sell. It's the same with these comedy industry people. They go, I love Carlin and Pryor, but you, I don't know, whatever. We're booking Carrot Top. And you're like, what? But come on.

I thought you loved irreverent or original stuff. They don't. They're con men. They're business people. They want to make money, which I get. But don't tell me you love Colin and Pryor and Lenny Bruce. Be a fucking con artist. Yeah, exactly. Just live your life as a fucking soul-crushing scumbag. Don't pretend to be in the arts. Right, right. I'm totally with you. We get that all the time. We're huge fans. Really? Because this is the first time I've heard from you in 17 years.

I know. They're like, look, we love your work. We'll never make anything with you. We just want you to know that we like it. Exactly. So you leave confused. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. That's cool. Yeah, way to lead me on and then not jerk me off. I like that he did that. I thought it was really cool. Who? That Scorsese shit on the big budget. Oh, I thought it was cool too, yeah. I mean, it's like, you know.

He makes arthouse movies that just happen to be... It's like Hitchcock, where they're like, yeah, some of them catch on, but these are like, this guy's got the soul of an arthouse filmmaker. Totally, totally, yeah. It's all about cinema. It's all about... His hero is a...

Ilian Kazan? Ilian Kazan? Kazan, that's his hero. He named names. Bad shit. He got an award at the Oscars. They cover all this. And a couple people wouldn't applaud. Yeah, fuck him, dude. He named names. Yeah. Bad dude. But I will say. Good movies. I will say, what's the one he did with on the waterfront? That's a top 10 movie ever. Yeah. It's hard to argue. I mean, that's a brilliant movie. Brilliant movie. I mean, the guy was a beast, but he was up against it. And he did the James Dean movies. Wow.

Wow. He did... Look up Ilya Kazan movies. He did fucking... The Tennessee Williams play. Streetcar, he did. He did that? Yeah. Wow. Stop! That's a great fucking movie. Yeah, look at this shit. Great movie. I mean, the guy changed the game. He was huge. Wow. But yeah, he outed a bunch of communists. What else did he do? He did something else really big. Is he a Holocaust...

- No, you're thinking that Ile Wiesel, I think. - Oh, Knight, good book. - Yeah, good book. - Required reading. - Yeah, required reading. - In my class it was. - What else, yeah, well, yeah, I think most schools would force you to read that. We're missing something on Ile Kazan. There's something that we're-- - Really, well, we got some pretty big ones. We got, let's see, Pinky, that's awkward. - A Face in the Crowd. - Aha. - That's the one, dude. - There you go, I don't know that one. - Oh, dude.

Watch that shit. All right. That's my rec for this week. A face in the crowd. I think it's on Criterion. It's Andy Griffith. It's like a con man who rises the ranks. It's incredible. Oh, really? It holds up so much. Comedian Andy Griffith. Dude, it's incredible. All right. Elia Kazan. He named names, but he made great. And also, if you haven't seen On the Waterfront, just fucking... That's a top 10 movie ever, dude. Yeah. That's a phenomenal... That's a...

Brando was hot. I wanted to be a contender. Yeah. Fucking Brando, dude. He was hot. So hot. Those lips. What a man. Yeah. A man with lips. He's got some DSLs on him. He does. He was hot. Look at him, dude. Wow. He's pretty and tough at the same time, which is rare. That movie fucking rules. Great script. Do we have a Brando now? I would throw it to Tom Hardy.

Really? Well, I think he's got lips. He does have lips. And he's tough. He's tough, and I think he's a good actor. He is good. I wouldn't say he's Brando. I mean, Brando's like this legendary level. Yeah, no, Tom Hardy's good. But we have Daniel Day-Lewis, but he's not hot. How about Christian Bale? Huh? He's got range. Yeah, yeah, Bale is good.

Look at the... Bale's done so much shit. Although he did a superhero movie. Does that hurt? Well, it was Batman. He's great as Bruce Wayne. Yeah, I would give him... He's the Bruce Wayne. I'd give him a pass for Batman. Yeah, easily. Have you guys seen him? I'm already in Bronson. No, is that good? Dude. Pinchot? Bronson is amazing. Charles Bronson was like an action movie star, right? I know him. Yeah, but he's... But in real life, he was actually the most dangerous criminal in the UK. Oh. And he was just...

fight everybody and Tom Hardy did this movie this is like basically like a biopic about him and he interviewed he met with him and Bronson liked him so much he somehow shaved off his iconic mustache and sent it to Tom Hardy to like wear for the movie because he was so impressed with it

It's even weirder than he did with his pubes, too. He's a legit maniac. Dude, this movie's amazing. I'll watch that. All right. No, he is awesome. He's a great actor. Yeah, he's good. And I think he's the highest paid actor without speaking. He doesn't speak in Mad Max, barely. He doesn't speak in Dunkirk, and there's another movie that's like no lines in. Damn, I forgot he was in Mad Max. Oh, yeah. He's a good dick? No, he's not.

Oh, another hog? We put him on the Hog Hall of Fame? I don't know about that. That's a good gig. No speaking roles, but highest paid. Yeah, but I'm sure a good dick, too. That's how you get those no speaking roles. He's great. Yeah, I like him. Yeah, I don't know. It's probably him. Maybe we don't have these big brandos and Cary Grants and what's his name that you said earlier? Clooney's Cary Grant. Oh, that's right. What about Bogart? No.

No Bogart. We don't have a Bogart? You can't have a Bogart. Bogie was once in a lifetime, man. Wow. Okay. I mean, so was Cary Grant, but I do see like a little Clooney in that. I see that. No one's like Bogart. Really? We can't find one guy? Give me someone. I'm thinking here. Well, Bogart was tough. He was soft-spoken or stoic. Yeah. He was tortured, but still a gentleman somehow. Yeah, he's tough.

Maybe I'll go with Chaz Bono. Here's looking at you, Mom. I was going to say Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman?

Nah, he's great, but he's so different. He's like a Dick Powell. He's like a song and dance man. Yeah, he's Australian too. Yeah, no, it's got to be an American, dude. It's got to be. U-S-A, U-S-A. That's another thing about these old- There's no bogey. I guess there's no bogey. We need a bogey thing on this wall, dude. Yeah, we should get a bogey. Let's get a bogey in here. No bogey.

Old school bogey? Come on. Also, by the way, where's the name Humphrey? I've never been a Humphrey in my life. It's a good name. You think? Nah. Humphrey, it's not great. But he was cool. He was. Humphrey. Yeah, there's no Humphreys anymore. Let's do news stories, man. Yes. We haven't even jumped in our news. Oh, we're pushing it here. New study shows mushrooms communicate with each other using a vocabulary of 50 words. Wow.

It's like a special needs kid. That's pretty good. Or a guy from the Midwest. The strong silent type, mushrooms. Yeah. Mushrooms talk using electrical impulses that spike when fungi come into contact with food sources or potential dangers.

Okay. Well, I never got with the plants talk because they can't go anywhere. They're stuck. They're like in the same spot. So, oh, there's a guy coming. There's a lawnmower on the way. You're like, all right, well, I'm here anyway. They are like vegetables. It's like Terry Shive. I think she moved a finger or something. Exactly. I never got that. I do love those. What do you call it when you speed up the camera and they show the mushroom growing?

What is that called? It's like hyper something. Time-lapse. Time-lapse! Thank you. Yeah, mushrooms are badass. They're kind of living then. Yeah, I mean, they are living. They're living. They're my favorite drug, too. Mushrooms? Oh, yeah. Easily. I like a mushroom. Fungus is living.

That means you can name your STDs. You're a big mushroom guy. I like them. I do them like three times a year. You micro or what? No, I eat the real shroom. You go hard. Yeah, I don't fuck with the pills and I don't know what's in that shit. So I just cap stem, cap stem. It tastes bad? It tastes horrible. But you get over it, you get through it. We're going to do it one day. We're going to do it one day. All right. Peanut butter. Peanut butter.

Peanut butter's good. See, there it is. Time lapse. That's pretty cool. Time lapse is so crazy. Wow, he's making them in a box. There they go. Whoa, that's pretty cool. It's where we can eat mushrooms on a pizza and they are a drug. There's so many different variations of mushrooms. It's like people. That's true. Wow. Look at that. Oh, my God. Look at that. Very exciting. Time. It's fascinating. That is cool.

Look at that. Alright, well, this is just turning in. Muggers freak me out because of, like, the fact that they do have an intelligence to them. Like, it weirds me out, like, cutting them because I know that they've been talking to each other like we just learned. How long before vegans were like, no eating, no eating. Dude, I've been saying that for years. Good question.

Because they talk. When we find out that they can feel pain just like cows and everything like that, what are they going to eat? That's it. Exactly. Damn. That'll be the next Pixar movie. They're just mushrooms who can't move. They're like, help! Help! I like the different personalities. Like, a portobello! Hey-o! Porcini! You're getting ripped from your stem, but you just can't do anything. You're like, dad!

Daddy. Yeah, yeah. 90 Day Fiance star Stephanie Motto ended up hospitalized after eating too many beans to sell farts. Oh, classic. This is... Wait, too many beans? I thought beans made you fart. The magical fruit that makes you toot. Stephanie Motto sold her jarred flatulence...

for $1,000 a piece. Jesus. And made over 200 grand in her two-month venture while subsisting on a diet of yogurt, eggs, and beans. This is horrible. Horrible. And ended up in the hospital. Wow.

When she thought she was having a heart attack. Maybe you had an attack of the conscience because this is disgusting. Well, this is clearly gaslighting. All right. But yeah, this is crazy. This is why the terrorists hate us because we're making 200 grand a month or in two months selling farts in a jar. She's a fartrepreneur. You're right. I mean, this is disgusting. Yeah, yeah. But I guess if people are paying for it, nobody's getting hurt except for her.

She's in the hospital. No, you're right. I mean, I can't be a hypocrite. That's what I said earlier in the show, right? About, about prosies or sex workers or whatever. Right. But at the same time, it's like, what is wrong with people? I can at least judge people for being like farts in a, like, I understand someone paying for sex. That's like you're lonely, whatever. Paying for a fart in a jar, like this many people are into this? Mm-hmm.

It's crazy. I know. I'm with you. But she's attractive, obviously. Look at that. But it just shows how what we'll do. If she looked like Rosie O'Donnell, I don't know if people would be buying it. I think the hotness goes a long way. I know, but I just can't imagine a guy just opening it and being like, worth it. That was worth all those hours. I'm surprised you didn't outsource that, Blake.

There's plenty of fourths out there. How are they going to identify it? They don't get certified. Good point. How do we know? I need a grade A, like a USDA stamp on there. Hey, let me get a Chipotle worker and fucking he worked a 12-hour shift. She is attractive, but the fact that she does that is a deal breaker, I think. Oh, yeah. Definitely hard to date someone if you walk in the room and you're like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm working. I'm working on my job. When do you back off? Yeah. I wonder if there's a guy out there who bought like 10 of them and he's like, hold on.

Mmm, a little oaky, a little fruity. Okay, oh, this one's a heavy day. Okay, this is a little... His wife walks in, he's like, you blew our life savings on her farts? I'm working. It's a fine vintage, you know. Yeah, and then you're with her one night and she farts and you're like, what are you doing? You're blowing the whole business. You gotta save it. That's our 401k right there.

What's this? Oh, there's another lady selling farts? This girl sells her bathwater. Whoa, you see? This is female privilege. No guy is selling his bathwater. Nobody wants to buy this from a dude. Nobody wants... Actually, I do have a shout-out to make. I know, I'm just kidding.

We will fart in those We Might Be Drunk glasses if you'd like. Yeah, sure. There are 4,000 a pop. Paul Giamatti's an amazing actor. He sells his bathwater. He's going to get arrested. This gal, gamer gal, is killing it on the bathwater. What else we got, Matt? That's wild. What a world. You want to do this one? Georgia woman was charged with faking a pregnancy to get paid time off.

Robin Folsom's colleagues became suspicious when they noticed her bump was askew and she sent them inconsistent photos of her fake children. Holy. Hats off to this con artist here. Holy shit. That's a tough lie to keep up. I know. Again, female privilege. Yes. We don't get to do that shit. Good point. I get a bump. They don't say, do you need time off? They go, you look gross. Right. You get your shit together.

Yeah, I did a bump in the break room and I got fired. So what the hell?

Pandas do this, apparently. They fake pregnancy? Because it's so hard for them to get pregnant, they get special treatment when they do get pregnant. And they learn that, so they fake signs of pregnancy to get more food and special treatments. Whoa, that's pretty clever. Well, that's just pandering. All right. I'll see you all in hell. It's so embarrassing to get busted doing that. Yeah. They're like, did you just lie about being pregnant? She's like, yeah, I don't.

Yeah, that's bad. That is bad. That's a bad lie to be caught in. She's a piece of shit. But I'm impressed. I'm impressed with the... The fact that she got fake children. I know. That's what I love about it. What's the word? She committed. She committed to the lie. She should be committed. She should. Yeah. And she shouldn't have children. Isn't that crazy? Anybody can have kids. A pedophile can have children. Yeah. That's wild. He probably won't, though, if he goes young enough.

True. Pedo jokes. But if he can have one, he's getting high on his own supply. Damn. Archaeologists believe they've discovered the tomb of Santa Claus. Rape Santa. A tomb at St. Nicholas Church in Turkey. The tomb of Santa. Kids, we found his corpse. Do you want to see? He's not going to make it to the chimney this year. He's in a coffin. In Turkey, they found an intriguing shrine beneath the floors previously unseen due to the tiled floor's intricate mosaics.

All right. They found a bunch of reindeer skeletons, dude. He was into reindeer fighting. Santa was mean. Uh-huh. Wow. This is so weird. Crazy. What the hell? Oh, is this the tomb? Whoa. Wow.

Geez, I guess you couldn't have been that fat. Look at that. That's small. Yeah. Well, that was probably fat back then. Santa's just like fucking Bezos. Yes. He's got people working for him with no pay, bad work environment. How do you get your presents on time? I treat elves horribly. That's how I do it. Yeah, you're right. I think this is the next National Treasure movie. Whoa, that's kind of cool. Look at that. It's kind of beautiful. Oh, yeah. That's something that can be that old. Right. Yeah.

Very Indiana Jones-y. Okay. What else? What do you got? Personal trainer dies after consuming a workout drink.

with as much caffeine as 200 cups of coffee. Jesus. I'll tell you, man, you're on your way there, fatty. The way you put down those cups of Folgers, I'm worried about you. I love coffee. I do too, but you gotta cut it off. But that's the thing is, I like coffee, so this is why this will never happen to me. Because this is like rockstar energy type energy. Like, this is the dude where you're just like... Remember, we knew that guy...

who ran that club in Scottsdale. Yes. And he had a stroke because he did a bunch of coke and drank like 14 Red Bulls. Whoa. And you're like, yeah, dude, that'll do it. Yes. You're not supposed to mix coke with 14 Red Bulls. You should know that. Holy hell. When weighing his caffeine powder caused him to go on a cardiac arrest. That sucks.

Yeah. But also 200 cups. You're fucking stupid. Enough's enough. Exactly. Like, don't you have bad anxiety around, I don't know, 50 cups of coffee? Yeah. Right. Doesn't it start to hit you where you're like, uh, also, uh, you know, as bad for you as, uh, 97 bags of cocaine. You should not, you should not do that. And I get coffee headaches if I don't have a cup that day. So imagine what this guy's going through. That fucking, uh, withdrawal has got to be tough.

I do get bad headaches. Yeah. I need it. When you wake up, I mean, it's like, it's cliche. And like, you turn into that annoying dude in the office where you're just like, don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. But like, holy shit, are we cranky? You know what's fucked up? This is how crazy the brain is. And this is the Bloody Mary's kicking in. But I'll have those coffee headaches. And if I make a coffee, I can sniff it. The headache will go away. Wow. Because your brain thinks like, oh, he's about to drink it.

That's how fucked up the brain is. Oh, exactly. You have the first sip, you feel better. And it hasn't hit you yet. I know, exactly. I mean, the second you have that sip, it's like, it's going to be okay. Yes. Same with the booze, let's be honest. When you're really hungover and you...

You hit that high life at home at 10 a.m. You feel a little better. This drink is incredible. I know. I want another one, but I'm trying to hang back. Yeah, I mean, we got to do a Patreon. We got to do. Yeah. We got to work tonight. Yeah, all right. We should wrap this up. Yeah, well, we got two more news stories. Two more, okay. Or is this it? This might be it. Wisconsin woman allegedly murdered her lover after a meth-fueled sex game that dismembered his corpse. Holy, then dismembered. Holy shit.

This is in Green Bay. I read about this. Everyone in Green Bay, they talk about being cheese heads. They're actually meth heads. They should have to wear meth on their heads at those Packer games. Yes. Taylor Shabiz... Shabizness. Shabizness. Shabizness. Sounds like a Rob Schneider bit. Sounds like how an Italian talks about your job. Shabizness. How's your Shabizness? He's like, the business failure. Business, Shabizness.

Told police they would have fun trying to find all of her lover's limbs and organs. Wow. That's the worst hide and seek game of all time. Really gross. She looks good, actually. Jesus, look at that. Yeah. Would you? I would. Not too shabby. Would you let her cut you up into little pieces? Maybe. Maybe. If I was having a bad enough day, why the hell not? She's got the hoop earrings. I always say you can tell how crazy a woman is by the size of her hoops. That's where this comes from.

Old joke. I remember when you pitched that to me. I think it was 12 years ago. That was like 2009, Norman. Stuck with me. Never left it. I never put it on an act or an album, but it's fun. It's in the head. It's a good silly one. Very Wisconsin couple there, that poor guy. Head in a bucket. Holy shit. Sounds like a punk band. It does. Are you ready for head in a bucket? All right. Well, there you go, folks. Do we have time for a bit or should we save? Okay.

I think we... How are we doing? I think we got time for a bit. What time is our guest coming on the next show?

Let me check. I forgot. Oh, we don't have time. Okay, damn. That's all right. All right. Well, you guys are the best. See Norman on the road. Yeah. We're going to be, brother. I mean, well, that's over according to the day this comes out. Laugh It Up and Poughkeepsie doing a one-nighter. Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. Pantages Theater in Minneapolis. I love Minneapolis. Chicago at the Vic. Cleveland at the Agora.

uh, Bon Secours Wellness Arena. That should, oh, that's with Bert. Doing some gigs with Bert on the full throttle. Shit. Totally wasted. I can't remember. Uh,

Dragway in Tennessee, Lawrenceville, Georgia, Brandon, Missouri, Irvine, California. Come on out to the improv. That's a big room. We need you there. And Red Bank, New Jersey, all kinds of Houston improv, all kinds of good stuff. San Antonio, laugh out loud. Come on out. Say hello. I'm in Houston that month, too. Toronto, East Providence, Chicago, Tampa, Cleveland, Chicago.

Buffalo. Yeah. Houston, West Palm, San Jose. I'm all over that shit. Sam Earl dot com slash shows. We might be drunk pod at Gmail dot com. We might be drunk pod dot com for merch. Yeah. Email us Rex Peeves, all that shit. The Patreon sign up. We love you. Thanks for listening. Beard you. We love you. Matt Peters. We love you. Killed it. Got you guys. We're going to be moving soon.

So we'll get you the new address. Send us your gifts, your recs, your queefs, your notes, whatever you got. Thank you. Appreciate it. Sunday Benders. Archibald. I was feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here and do remember. Be mine.