Ep 62: Valentine's Day
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Guys, welcome to a special Valentine's Day episode, but where's Mark? Oh, look at that!

Hey, happy Valentine's! Happy Valentine's, folks. Good to be here. I look like Liberace. You look like gay Julius Caesar. Yes, that's me. I love it. A2, anal. All right. I love it. Look at this. This is a very revealing outfit. I know. It's a lot of nip. I'm sorry. But they don't make heterosexual sizes. There we go. What a...

I love it. The nip is just out. This is like the Elaine Christmas card episode, right? I think I see. It is! Oh, yeah. The nip slip. The nip slip. Yeah, you look like Hugh Hef over here. Hugh Hefner? Well, you're right. Liberace. What's the other guy's name? Who? Wayne Newton. Getting ready to pop here. All right, get ready. Here we go. You look like if the devil went clubbing.

Come on, there we go. Yay! Happy Valentine's. I'm not a big champagne guy. I haven't popped one of these in a while. Well, you know, you can just sip it. It's a holiday made by the corporations. It is. To fuck over boyfriends. Oh.

Isn't it annoying? Oh, yeah. It's silly. What do we get on Valentine's Day? I know. Michael Che had that great joke. He's like, I buy you flowers, dinner, and you blow me. He's like, you should be blowing me on a Tuesday. You know, it's a good point. Weird that it's a holiday thing.

And the Cupid, what a strange... Yeah, cherubic little boy. You know what he looks like a little bit? A little baby with a bow and arrow. Kind of looks like the poster child for anti-abortion. He's like, you get the fuck out of here. Right, right. Yeah, there he is.

Cheers. This is a real episode for the ladies. I mean, look at this. We do it for you, gals. We love the gish. There we are. There's a lot of boyfriends right now going, what the fuck am I going to do? I got to do something. I didn't get reservations. I didn't get a gift. The chocolate, the flowers. It's a lot of work. The anti-Native American. You didn't get reservations.

Yeah, my gal admitted that she said, Valentine's Day is fun. We just want to know you struggled a little. I'm like, it's not about the flower. You just want to know it was a bitch to do. Commitment. Wow.

But you want to see like we had to work hard to get you a gift. Yeah, we had to go on 800 flowers, pick the shit, put the card number in, do all that. They really raise the prices. I mean, it's like hilarious. It's like every other day, $10 delivery for you. Like Valentine's Day, $97. What the hell did that come from?

I know. And I think, you know, you see these bodegas in New York. All they have outdoors are these flowers, flowers. It's so many. And who's buying those? They must die weekly, right? You show up with, like, the gift wrapping paper on the flowers, she knows you fucked up. Oh, yeah. If they're not in a nice little vase...

And they always upsell you. They're always like, oh, you get a little teddy bear for an extra $7. Yes, that's true. What is she, 14? Well, the thing is, they're all at the office. And then you get the flowers. The girl next to you gets the flower and the teddy bear. You're fucked. Well, now that everyone's working from home, no more flowers. That's true. And the little Guatemalan guy working at the bodega...

You know, whenever you buy flowers, you're in trouble. You know? But that's the one day he's like, I got a better life than you. You know? You're buying these flowers. He's like, ah, you're in the doghouse. Sure, I live in a shoebox, but I'm playing video games tonight. You know, it's...

And it's a weird holiday because it is... I do feel like women, when they're not in a relationship on Valentine's Day, do get upset. You get the two sides. You get the empowered, like, I'm going out tonight. Or you get the, I'm low. Right. You know? And it's kind of like, nah, it's a bullshit holiday. You don't have to feel that way. It really is. It's the Jewish Christmas, you know? It's the same thing, but...

What does that mean? Well, I think Jews on Christmas are like, this isn't really our thing. But I love Christmas as a Jew. Okay, well, there you go. Because, you know, it's a nice time of year. I like Christmas music. Sure. And then on top of that, you get a day of basketball. And on top of that, it's like a traditional order in Chinese. So I have fondness for Christmas as a Jew. All right. I like that. Yeah. We don't feel anything on Hanukkah, though. Are you guys aware of February 13th being the day for the Gumar?

That makes sense. The mistress? Yep. Damn, that's hilarious. That's going to fuck you, though, on Valentine's, because they're going to be like, they're going to be so mad, they're going to call the house, you know, and Carmelo's going to pick up. It is hilarious to give them the off night. Yeah. I mean, it's not even nice. You're like, oh, you get to be the B team. I know. Does that even feel good? JV. That's tough.

But I will say for guys, Valentine's Day, if you're single, you hit the bar, you're getting laid. Yeah. Because these gals are just like, I need some kind of companionship, something, some connection. There's definitely like wedding crashers energy in the air. Yes. You do feel like you're like a groomsman or something. Mm-hmm.

And yeah, I mean, it is a crazy night out. Yeah. For sure, as a single guy. And no matter how empowered you are, feminist, alone, or whatever, you feel it.

Every commercial is, you know, every kiss begins with K. And then you're at home eating bonbons and watching Ozark again. I gave up on Ozark. I'm kind of like... Oh, the new season's cooking. It's good? Oh, I'm already four in. I almost was late to this. Really? Yeah, you can't watch TV in the day. It's just a poison. Yeah. You got a night. It's like drinking in the day. It is. Anyway. Yeah.

Remember these little fucking chalk candies that everybody had? Let me see what this one says. You have HPV. What the hell? Oh, they've changed, huh? What the hell? Damn it. What do you got? Oh, man.

Trans aren't real. What the hell's going on here? What are these things? These are terrible. I know. These are so bad. They're horrible. You're eating chalk. You're eating chalk. This is just chalk. I think they're like 80 cents a gallon. There's no... I just bit into this. There's no nutrition. No. Whatever this is going in. Yeah. No flavor, no nutrition, and look, the words are all askew. What'd you get, the cheap box? Jeez, look at the take-me's written all... It just says tack. No.

Look at that. How do you feel about champagne, both of you guys? Gal pal. I can leave it. It's just too sweet. It's too sweet. Too sweet. I like bitter alcohol. I like wine. I like smoky. I like sweet. Smoky, bitter. Yeah. I don't know. I like it. Maybe it's just the accoutrements. It's at a party. It's the popping. It's the fizzy. It's because you associate it with festive. Right. Yeah.

But it's kind of like lobster where we put it out in this high pedestal, but it's not really that great. It used to be peasant food lobster. Exactly. Yeah. Champagne. I guess you associate it with like a wedding. So I associate with it having to buy a plane ticket to something. So I'm like, fuck this shit. Good point. That makes sense. You're not drinking champagne at a funeral. Yeah. Unless you hate the guy. We should normalize that. Yeah. That's good.

Like send them off. Right. Send them off. Yeah. It's better. You know what I loved on The Wire when someone would die and they'd lay the body on the pool table in the bar and they'd just get hammered? I loved that. Oh, the Irish wake. The Irish, man. Yeah, that's right. The Irish do it right. They do. Anything alcohol related, they do right. Except find a place to sleep that night. Other than that. And potatoes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And also, I associate champagne with marriage, which is terrifying. I'll see you in November, honey. All right. Wedding's coming up. Can't believe it. I know. How do you feel? Well, the clock's ticking, but this is it. This is my moment. This is like before they take you in. Yeah. You got to live. Vegas, Atlantic City, champagne, drinking, Cupid.

You got to live now. So you popped a big question. Now the next question is, do you allow kids at your wedding? No. No kids. We're having an abortion booth at the wedding. No. No kids at the wedding. I think that's a fun idea. I thought the pictures were kind of odd. The little strip. Nothing. Wait. People do that at the weddings, right? You get the picture. Yeah. One, two, three, four, the face. All right. I don't know why I'm explaining the joke that bombed here. All right.

Yeah, yeah, no kids, because it's not just we don't like kids. We don't. But you got them, the parents now can't have fun because they're watching the kids, so it takes away from the whole environment. Yeah. Same with a comedy show. You don't want kids at a comedy show. No. You can't fuck around. Yeah, and if you do fuck around, you kind of have to work the kid into it. You have to be like, this guy, he doesn't know what fisting is. Look at this kid. You hope. Apparently. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So we want it to be a, it's New Orleans. It's, you know, fun in the sun. It's going to be great. I'll say, I'll say this about New Orleans. New Orleans is like the tasteful city of sin. Oh. Because Vegas, everyone, but it's like the commercial city of sin. Yes. You still have legalized gambling. You got that right. In New Orleans, you got Harris and stuff. You've got-

It's just more fun. Yeah. And we, you know, we have is the culture. Vegas is just like, here's our strip strip club. We got steaks. We got slot machines. We got high rollers in New Orleans. It's like, we got jazz. We got Creole food. We got jazz fest. We got Mardi Gras. We got the frills.

French Quarter. You know, we got the good food. It's got that mixed in. You're right. It has more of an identity. Yes. History. Yeah, the French, you know, Creole. And then you have like actual music as opposed to some guy who's doing like a Robert Goulet impression. Like, oh, man. Yeah. There's a reason Vegas is DJ Tiesto. You know, we got Witt and Marsalis. Yeah. They got some hack on a laptop. For sure. Easy. Yeah.

Come on. Techno's not real music. They know that. Yeah, I'm not into Vegas. I don't like it. No, I'm with you. And I like Reno even less. Ugh. All right, what do you like about Vegas? What comes out of Vegas that you're like, I like once you're off the strip, it's all right. Like, there is a lot of beautiful stuff in Vegas, but that strip, it's just like, I don't know. And it's like, you stay in a hotel in there. You could stay in for like five days and not go outside. There's a darkness. Yeah, oh, big dark. Yeah.

Big dark. With the Rat Pack energy is great. That whole branding was good. Night One in Vegas is great. Night One's great. The Hangover. And then it's all downhill. Yeah. You see people walking into Vegas. There's so much hope. You see them waving. You're just like, oh, man, that dude needs help. Well, when the Hangover kicks in and the sun is shining and you look around, you hear that bing, bing.

bing, bing. There's smoke everywhere. She's on a rascal. He's on a respirator. They're drinking a gin and tonic smoking at 11 a.m. You hit the buffet. Then you hate yourself. Then you go to the pool and the C-section scars, the neck tattoos. I got to stop saying it's Circus Circus. I remember I was at a shitty casino and, uh...

in Reno, Nevada, my opening line was, man, what a great city. Have you ever wanted to see fake tits in an oxygen tank on the same person? I mean, but I remember, uh, I was at the, uh, I was at the all you can eat buffet and I saw Jim Jeffries. He like came to hang out and we, uh, and I was like, man, it's all you can eat buffet. He goes, when you make enough money, everything's an all you can eat. I was like, Ooh, that's a baller line, man. He's always charming. Yeah.

He's very... There's like a poetry to the way he speaks. Completely. Well, he's... I love that mix of degenerate, boozebag, you know, piece of shit guy with like intellect and wit. Dude, he...

The way he speaks is very funny. I saw him years ago. I was opening for him. The way he dealt with the heckler, he just goes, he says the word cunt and it doesn't feel off-putting. He goes, you're going to wake up tomorrow and you're going to think I was a bit of a cunt. And that's the only time you're right. And he's got a smile the whole time and a cocktail. It just works. The accent goes a long way. Classic. He's a classic. Although it wouldn't really work with like, would that work with an Indian accent?

I don't know. If you're charming enough, you could probably pull it off in any accent. But for some reason, the Brits and the Aussies can really get away with the C word. They really can. There is something softer about them saying it. Yeah. Because they're not talking about women's private parts. They're talking about a personality type. Yeah. But who actually refers to a vagina as a cunt? I've never heard anybody go, I'm going to fuck you in the cunt. A Hell's Angel, maybe? Yeah, exactly. Who does that? It sounds very violent. Yeah. I've never heard of a cunt talking about the clam.

It's almost like calling a guy's penis a hog. Wow. You're like, that's weird. Like, look at that hog. For a woman, I mean. Oh, a woman. A woman. Yes, yes. A woman. Yeah, they never say that. A guy will say it jokingly, but a woman won't say that. No, not to me especially. I got no hog. I heard an interview with Jim Jefferies and he was talking about his last special on Netflix.

And they said, look, do whatever you want. Just don't say cunt within the first 15 minutes so we don't lose the audience. He goes, if you watch the special at 15 minutes and four seconds, I'm like, ah, you cunt. Wow. He had a cunt clock up in the corner. That's hilarious.

Damn. That's what I call my wife's cycle. All right. I got it. No, I used to. All right, we got it. Man, I don't like champagne. It's like does nothing for me. I get wine. Like if we're drinking like a smoky red, I'll fucking get on board. If like we're drinking like a peaty scotch or something. By the way, guys, if you're listening...

We might have good news on the whiskey that's coming out. A lot of you have been asking. This shit takes a long time. A lot of red tape, a lot of fine print. Mark and I have never been in a place where we've had lawyers. Yes. And apparently that's why a lot of people owe us money the last few years. We are not good businessmen. Good point. But the good news is we have lawyers now who are making sure we don't get fucked, and

And I think this is... I mean, we've already tried it. It's great whiskey. Great whiskey. It's going to take off. And so many of you guys are asking us about it on the road that I feel like we're going to sell out, man. Oh, yeah. Now, here's the question. Yeah. Let's hype this thing up. Let's move some product. Can we reveal the new name? Let's wait to see if it's...

If it's... Of a go? If there's a copyright issue. But like, yeah, we have a new name. It's a cool name. It's a very New York name. What a tease. This is big. Yes. This is big. And I think... More of a tease in that outfit right there. Look at that nipple. Woo!

I wish I could do the thing where you flex. You could do it. I don't know how to do it. Come on, you could do it. Nah, I got nothing. Is it only homoerotic if I'm attracted to it? Yeah, you've got a nice nipple. Yes. Look at that. Solid nipple. There's like eight hairs coming out of it. Look, if I had to suck on a man's nipple, that wouldn't be the last one I chose. All right, I'll take it. Peters is in the booth giving a thumbs up, too. I'm not crazy. Look, as a straight man, it's important to say, you know...

I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, and I'm not ashamed of, hey, if I were gay, who gives a shit? I'm just saying, I'm looking at that nipple, and I'm saying, well done. All right. That's all I'm saying. I look like the guy in 300 who couldn't get in. I'm like, come on, guys. Why won't you have me? I'm just cleaning swords. All right. Do you shave your chest? No, I'm just naturally not a hairy douche. My asshole looks like your eyebrows.

You're like the Mr. Bigglesworth of cats here. What the hell? I'm like a fucking rag doll over here. Yeah, well, I'd kill for half, between halfway, because my lady's always like, I wish you had a little more chest hair. Really? Yeah, she likes it. Ugh.

I know. I mean, I hated it as a kid. I remember I dated a girl in college and she was like, can you shave your chest? It's kind of gross. And I was a kid. Yeah, I remember. Yeah. And I remember as a kid being like, yeah, sure. All right. And then I grew up. I'm like, oh, I can't believe I let her do that to me. I felt violated. And that's a little imagine say that to a woman like, hey, could you lose five pounds or whatever it is? Like, what's the difference? I have said that. No, no. But I think, you know.

Yeah, the chest hair thing, it's like you grow up and you're kind of like, it's fine. It is funny when you see an actor take off his shirt in a movie and he's hairy and you're like, oh, wow. He's human. Yeah, it is normal. You're just so used to seeing like Ryan Gosling type bodies or Brad Pitt where it's just like perfect. Yeah. So when you see like a Sean Connery, you're like, fuck yeah, dude.

Yes. Alec Baldwin. My dad. Alec Baldwin. Yeah, very hairy. He stopped going shirtless, though, at a certain point, because I think, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He also stopped checking the gun. But my dad is insanely hairy. I'm talking shoulder hair. Yeah, like, that's... My dad looks like that. And the only downside... I didn't mind. I didn't give a shit. But the only downside was when we'd go to, like, the rec center, and he'd be in the pool, and I'd be, like, swimming towards him, and it would be that...

you know, hair wiggle in the water. And that was a little like, ah, it's drenched. It's dripping. Exactly. Yeah. Like fucking tassels on a stripper's nipple. Totally. Just the hair drip. Yeah. There's something, something weird about those rec centers. They make you wear the hair thing, right? You have to wear the swimming cap. Yeah. But, uh, but they don't do anything about this.

They don't make me wear like a full body scuba suit. Or the pubes. My God, the pubes. Do you have a pube situation? Full bush. Really? I go full. Really? Oh, yeah. I'm all natural. Manscaped sponsored by. Oh, shit. Yeah. If I do hit the base, I look better. Really? I don't know. I feel weird doing it. What about you? Yeah, I'm hairy. Yeah. I'm hairy all over. I'm a hairy guy. There you go. You're Russian.

Polish-Russian genitals. Polish-Russian. Yeah. Do you get the leg? I'm hairy, yeah. To me, that's the ugly part, because you want the genitals to really pop, but if the hair goes onto the thigh, I feel like the whole thing is a little more blurry. Well, it's not horrible, but I look like that without the tone.

Right, right, right. I'm not playing Jack Ryan in Hunt for Red October. You know what I mean? But I do. Yeah, I'm hairy. Now, where are you at on the back hair? I got a little. Up top, down low, or all over? Just a little up top. Okay. Just a little hint. Like a little cherry on top of the sundae. I think that's gross. It's gross? Yeah, like just a patch on the shoulder? Yeah, it's not good. Wow. I don't feel good about it. What if it's a hint? It's a hint. Yeah, I think a hint's okay. You're not hairy? Yeah. Yeah.

Not like this. Or not like you, but somewhere in between. All right. All right. I remember it up right now. Yeah, please. I remember I was really high as a kid once, and we were at a girl's house, and we were all so baked, and she pulled up a picture of a really hairy guy's ass, and I was so high that I was like, is that me? Don't.

And she goes, what? And I was like, is that my ass? And she's like, no. It's a website. That's hilarious. And I was just like, this is crazy that you think that's... And I was like, oh, all right. Well, you were that high. Yeah. Yeah, that's hilarious. Who gave you that picture of my ass? This is the worst Valentine's Day episode ever. We're talking about ass and ball hair. We've lost every female listener. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's... That's tough. Well, that's part of why the...

40 year old virgin scene was such a big hit with steve carell right because she's waxing him but like he was a hairy dude oh yeah oh yeah very hairy that was real hair i assume jeez look at that butt we can't use any of this can we that's a butt side butt that's fine side butt you always feel like you're gonna look way better without the hair here you always think once you shave you're like i'm gonna look like fucking hugh jackman dude and then you look at it you're like i

I wonder if he had to, you know, get really waxed on film. Oh, I think that's his first waxing ever. Yeah. So that's real. It must be. Because some blood pops up. And she does it over the nipple, too. That's got to hurt so fucking badly.

Women do this shit all the time, by the way. That's true. And they get the labia fucking waxed. That is a sensitive area. So this is just how funny Carell is. He's just riffing in pain, literally. So I got a theory about this scene. I know no one asked, but I can't remember what the actor's name is. The black actor? Yeah, he's great. He walks out and says, I can't watch any more of this. And I have a feeling, he does it right here, right here. And I have a feeling like they were shooting this and there was a continuity problem. I don't know if this would be true.

Because why would you remove an actor from a scene? Huh. Unless they're like... Not just to heighten the situation? Oh, dude. Oh, you're probably right. I didn't expect that at all. I didn't know he came back. I really didn't expect that. Look how young and fresh Carell looks. This was his breakout role, man. Oh, yeah. This and The Office. I know, right? Damn. Were they simultaneous? Running simultaneously? I think so, yeah. Well, they said this bombed and The Office saved the tickets. Yes!

This movie did not bomb. They said it kind of got fizzled away, and then The Office was such a hit that people fell in love with it. Give it a goog. Hold on. This is like young Apatow. Everybody's young and full of life. Seth Rogen was fun. Holy shit. Fuck me in the ass. It's crazy. Paul Rudd just looks exactly the same. Totally. Totally.

He's a hunk. So he leaves. So I think there's a continuity problem because they do this next one and he's not there. Yep. And they can't explain it. Like, why is he not there? Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork! Cork

She's just laughing. You're a pussy. You're pulling away. I can't. I'm leaving the room. This is like the classic Seinfeld bit, how women will, you know, pour the flaming hot wax on, rip it off from the root, but you're still scared of a spider. That's a classic. Classic bit. So true. The labia is so delicate and they just, it's crazy. I mean, can't be that delicate.

Yeah, I guess you're right. If you're doing that to it, that must toughen it up. That was the old Betty White quote. Why do we call a vagina a pussy? It takes a pounding. It keeps coming back. Is that Betty White? That's Betty White. Give it a go. I thought it was Thich Nhat Hanh. That's crazy. Who also just died. I know. 95. Wow. I heard it was because of the COVID vaccine.

I heard it was fentanyl. That's what Dr. Hulk Hogan told me. He said that the COVID vaccine is why Betty White and Sidney Poitier died in their 90s. Hulk Hogan, huh? Damn. Show me a pro wrestler who lived past 87. Damn.

And you're giving medical advice. Why do people say you grow balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. You grow a vagina. Wow. Damn. Respect. Respect Betty White. Yeah, it makes you realize she could really get ruffled up in bed, I guess. Yeah. Damn. Oh, yeah. Good for her. Are there any rom-coms that...

you're okay with because rom-coms are obviously a woman's game that genre but there are some that transcend the genre right yeah annie hall annie hall killer but guess what you say annie hall they don't end up together ah that's like a socially acceptable male rom-com they broke the mold because i was gonna say like you know annie hall is like one of my top two yeah

What else is good? What's a good rom-com? About, Love Actually is good, but it's Christmas more than Valentine's, probably. High Fidelity is a good rom-com. Oh, great one, great one. When Harry Met Sally. Oh, yes, now we're cooking. Something about Mary, does that count? That's like a comedy that has a love interest. Sure. All right. Pretty Woman Sucks. These are by a year.

Moonstruck is funny. I have never seen Moonstruck. Moonstruck, Nicolas Cage is great, man. All right, Sleepless is all right. You've Got Mail is fine. It's funny that he's like the big bookstore and that's the villain back then. He's like, this guy works for the Barnes & Noble equivalent. And it's like now it's like they're just getting destroyed. Yeah, yeah. Whenever I'm in a Barnes & Noble, it has the same feeling.

It's like when you're visiting a grandparent where you're like, ah, this doesn't have long. That's true. It's a bummer. You love it. And I love a bookstore on the road. I do too. If you just go through books on the road, it's so nice. City Lights in San Francisco. You ever been there? Great bookstore. I was just there. Really? I bought a couple of film noir books. Oh. They've got so much good stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

It's nice, but you're right. The Barnes & Noble is like grandma's because you go in there, you're bored, and you just sit down. And then you're like, you just sit for an hour just waiting for time to pass. You're like, I shouldn't look at my phone, but I will. Yeah. Yeah, you read. Man, shout out to the bookstore.

It's like a little safe haven. You're on the road. You just run in there. You're like, this is perfect. It really is. They're always quiet. You even feel a little cooler and smarter being in there. Like Powell's Books in Portland, you just walk through there. I'm not going to buy a goddamn thing. I pretend to look at one. I'm like, oh, get out of here. And then I put it back. You know, we all do it.

And we go, oh, that's good. And he never read it, but you've heard of it. That's just it. Did you guys mention Harry Met Sally? Yeah, that's a great one. Yeah. I mean, it is hilarious. I think Gary Goldman has a joke about this, about how he's just not into her. He's like the balding womanizer. Billy Crystal's like, slow down, Meg Ryan. Like they bang and he's like, mm. Yeah.

I've got a lot of poon to work through in New York. I mean, shout out to Bruno Kirby, too, and Carrie Fisher, who have both passed away, who are both amazing and great. Great rom-com. Rob Reiner crushed it, man. Crushed it and going through a divorce while making it. Wow. Yeah, which like totally fucked him up, he said.

Damn. And of course, the iconic Katz's Deli scene. I got to shout out Richmond, Virginia has a Jewish deli, Purley's, that Gary Veeder and I ate at. One of the best meals of my life, man. Really? I mean, the borscht, the matzo ball. We got smoked salmon bagels, the pickles. Just like a classic. It's incredible. Wow. I was like, where do we go? They looked at both of you. In Richmond? Purley's.

They said it's like the spot where Dane went there, the man versus food guy. They're like, this is our spot. I think if you're the Jewish place in West Virginia, you're like, we got to kill it. They got to bring the heat. It's like Jackie Robinson. Oh, that does look good. Oh, wow. That looks great. Dude, it was incredible. I love a Jewish deli.

And the big portions, too. Dude, it was great. All right. Yeah, and I love the old look with the booths and the font and the tile walls. Look at that. I bet they got some headshots in there.

That's the other Jewish joke. Man, this place is terrible. And the portions. Oh, yeah, that's great. That's so small. Yeah, so good. Or the waiter goes up to the guy and he goes, is anything all right? Classic. Classic. So many Jewish jokes are just like, I'm miserable. That's like the punchline, like, I'm unhappy. Yes, exactly. Ha ha.

Damn. Yeah, I love that place. Here's the thing. We wanted to go back the next day, but they comped our meal. Ah. They comped our meal. Gary and I were like, we got to go back. I'm like, we can't go back because now they're going to think we just want another free meal, and I don't want to do that. That's so curb. That's such a great plot in Seinfeld or curb. Because we were both dying to go back. It was so good. Yeah. To go back in disguise. Right, right. Full rabbi-ed out. Yeah.

I had a similar thing. I told you this story, but I went by a restaurant with me and my lady, and this guy came out of the restaurant. He had the apron on. He's like, oh, I'm a fan. I love your comedy. I was like, oh. He's like, anytime you want, come by here. Let me know. And it was a full restaurant. I was like, all right. And she was like, let's go back tonight. I was like, great. He'll still remember us. We go back. We buy all the shit, all these drinks. You got to have this. You got to have that.

They didn't cop us. I remember you told me when this happened. This is so fucking funny. Yeah. It's insane to upsell you. Yes. After being like, I'll take care of you. That's not taking care of you. No. We all know what take care of means. Exactly. So we made a sketch about it. There it is. I remember this was beautifully shot. Yeah, that's Sally for you. This was fun, man. This is a good sketch. This is my Manhattan. This is your Manhattan.

This is... He's now dating his son. Stepson. But...

So we talked about this. I remember Mark did a club back in the day, and they upsold him on like, and Mark's like, what do I eat here? And they're like, get the salmon, right? Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio. Wow. And they upsold Mark on the salmon, and then they charged him. Mark's like, I'll get a burger. They're like, now get the salmon. Yep. And then they charged. It happened to me at a club called Looney's in Colorado Springs once. Really? Where they were like, the bartender all week was like, you can have a beer. I was like, eh.

I don't know. I'm going on. He's like, come on, have a beer, pussy. And I was like, ah, fuck it. I'll have a beer. So I had a few beers each night. And at the end of the week, they gave me a bill. Damn.

What a funny way to upsell. You fucking pussy. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, I waited tables for years. That upsell shit is real. That's fucking bullshit, though. We got a new wine in. This is how you sell it. Blah, blah, blah. It'll make your bill go from here to here, which makes your tip go from here to here. And guys took that shit serious like Wall Street. Well, it's all alcohol. It's all alcohol. What's the deal with...

The second most expensive bottle of wine is what the guys always order, right? Isn't there something like that? That makes sense because you're not crazy breaking the bank, but it's still high end. Well, you're like, well, it's not the cheapest, but I don't want to. If it's like a 16-bottle of wine, a 19-bottle of wine, a 40 and a 45, what's your high go to? You go 40. Yeah.

No, in my head, I'm like, I go like 19 probably. Oh, I thought you said 40, 45, so I went 40. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I see what you're saying. That makes sense. That's all psychology. You know, the 99 cents thing is just a dollar, but you see 99, less than a dollar, you buy it. Yeah, damn. Prostitute should charge $399. Yeah, exactly.

$299.99, I guess, is the real move. Sure. Depending on the prostitute. Have you ever gotten one? No, I can't do that shit. Yeah. Did you do it? I did it once, but... But you were a kid, right? I was a virginity, and she didn't charge... And I didn't know she was a prostitute. So maybe it wasn't a prostitute. She didn't charge me. She's a terrible prostitute. Well, I think we had a good time. Which is what every guy told himself. Well, he has proof. That stripper liked me. This one's on the house. Yeah. Well, I was also illegal.

Oh, so maybe she didn't want to have any detachment. You were you were molested. I guess I'm a survivor, but it was great. Mark's bragging right now. I think this is like not good. Well, I was underage legally. But I guess for guys it is different. Sure. I know that's what that's not what the police report ever says. How old were you? Sixteen. That's fucking young. Yeah. If you even said like 17 or 18, but like 16 is fucking young.

But was she in her 30s? No, older. What? Late 40s, pushing 50s. Mark, you say something like that I'm worried about you every week. I don't have health insurance. I steal. I had sex with an old woman when I was a teenager. I never told you this. You've told me, but I know you were 16. Oh, yeah, and her husband was there. Or pimp. Who knows? I didn't check IDs. Jesus Christ. But I'm sure they're dead.

I mean, they were not looking great. She died of old age. Yeah, I think so. It was Betty White. No, they're definitely done. He had a Harley Davidson jacket on. She was very weathered. Damn. Yeah, yeah. You never want to hear weathered as an adjective about yourself when you're a woman. You don't ever want to... What's she like? She's kind. She's homely. She's weathered. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She was rough. Seen a lot of winters. She'd been around. She was a...

Haggard. A lot of winters in Louisiana. Well, she's been all over. Who knows where? I'd love to see her again if she's alive. Reach out, sister. Yes. She's a fan of the podcast. It's like pearlies. They're like, come on, one more free round here. I would compare it to Kellyanne Conway. Similar look. Oh, that's not bad. No, no, not bad. Not bad. But when you're 16, that looks like the Crypt Keeper, you know? Sure. Here's a picture of the pimp and the hooker. Huh? Oh, all right.

Is that Stephen Dorff? It's Mickey Rourke. Oh, Mickey Rourke. Wow, yeah. What happened to Stephen Dorff? He was just in something. He's in something. He's like in a fighter movie, right? Yeah. I saw him interviewed or something. He was like the guy in the 90s. I remember he was in that Nicholson movie, Blood and Wine. That's right. And he's in Blade, right? That's right. Yeah.

He was like the new Rourke, but he just... Like three years ago, he was doing like Blue Jewel commercials. Yes. I remember that. Like fake cigarettes or whatever that was. Yeah. Yeah.

That's hilarious. They're in a room. They're like, who's a celebrity who can get who's believable with a jewel? And they're like, Stephen Dorff. Let's lay off work early, guys. We nailed it. They should have gotten jewel. I mean, it's right there. I mean, the fact that you can get ahead in the world and your last name is Dorff is quite impressive. Well, he's handsome. He's handsome and cool. But like Dorff? Well.

Well, we grew up with the Dorf videos. Dorf on Golf. That's a real name? Yes. I never realized that until this very moment. There you go. So Dorf is just burnt in as joke. Silly. Advertising is so weird. Like that Eminem thing where they're like, we're going to be more inclusive. And everyone, you know what's amazing? Everyone's shitting on it. But I'm like,

They're geniuses. Exactly. Like, literally, Tucker Carlson's like, okay, M&M's. And then Whoopi Goldberg's like, M&M's. Like, literally every person's talking about it. And people are like, this is so stupid. I'm like, no, they know what they're doing, dude. Potato Head nailed it first. They started it. And you're right. Everybody's talking about how stupid it is. People get all, like, picket-

Fancy with this shit Well the far right is like In my day Eminem's were more fuckable And then you know And then you get the far left like well it's time to be inclusive And you're just like everyone's got an opinion And opinion equals posts Exactly It's like the New York Post how all their Tweets They're puns but they're also like They're clickbaity What happened when this person said this And you're like but they didn't really say that But you click on it

That's great. Woke mob removes Snickers dick vein. That's fucking quality. Brilliant. Who came up with that? Somebody on Reddit. That is quality. That dick vein shit is cool. It does have a vein. It does. It's a black cock with a big vein down the middle. Damn. Look at that. There it is. That looks like my dick. Not the color, but the vein. And my dick is very square. Filled with nougat. But yeah.

That's fun. That's amazing. The internet is undefeated. Do you see that one Delta? Some guy fucking nailed this. I love just a one quick zinger. Delta wrote, what's a city that changed your life? You know, like travel shit. And one guy wrote Wuhan. And I'm like, oh! That's great. Or country or whatever it is. But man, that was gold. Yeah.

That's funny as hell. And I love the guy, all the people in the boardroom are like, all right, we want to put out a nice post. How can this be offended? There's no way they can find anything to joke about here or be offended here, and they still got one. They need to hire comments to look at their tweets before they post them. Ah, like a focus group. Yes. Just a bunch of incel-looking dudes in a room like, I would say this about my dick. And they're like, all right, pull it. You got to get it out. Exactly.

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So I'm running like five minutes late this week and I fucking hustled to make it not 10. You know, I hate being late. I hate I pride myself on being punctual. It's important to me. I think it's like a thing of respect. So I apologize that I was five minutes late. On top of that, I'm late because all these fucking orders now at Starbucks or Chipotle or wherever you go, it's all made for online.

I'm not planning that far ahead with Starbucks. Good point. You guys are everywhere. So I get a Starbucks when I pass a Starbucks. I'm not saying, hey, I'm going to Starbucks today. That's not on my fucking to-do list at 6 a.m. I'm going when I go. What is the upside of doing it online?

Well, you get there and it's just there and you're in and out. So you take away the 14 seconds of interaction with the guy going, I'll get the small. Here's my money. That's it. But also you're not waiting in line. You're not waiting. I'll tell you, I'm waiting there for like 10 minutes for a fucking egg sandwich. Oh, they're winning. They're winning. These people. I didn't know it was that serious. It's like crypto. I know it's the future, but I won't bite. Yeah, I don't like it. I'm going to bite.

I'm with you. It bothers me. I want to just walk in and do it. Yeah. Just grab their drinks. Well, those jobs are going to be gone soon. Those drinks. Well, yeah. I mean, there's like six people at Starbucks. They're going to cut down to three very soon, right? Yeah, you're right. There's like, what, two cashiers? But they're very lax. Some guy will come in and just grab a Chipotle bag off that shelf. And I'm like, no ID? How do they know that's the guy? Could I just grab it?

We know you would. I know, yeah. I thought about it. But you just don't want the sour cream burrito or whatever that guy ordered. But yeah, you're right. I'm with you. Mark, I stole a shitty burrito. This city's gone to shit. This city is going downhill.

I mean, I love it here, but I mean, Matt talking about having a, by the way, Matt, you're talking about having a knife in a recent episode. My friend brought it up to me. He goes, does he know how to use a knife? No. Well, he was like, isn't he scared that a guy's going to take the knife and then carve him up instead of just like hit him? Why else would you carry a mace? Mace? What? You got a utility belt? Who are you? Batman over here? Batman? So I figured mace and a knife, I'm going to win. I,

hope i don't know man the mace is is a good move although i have mace and i have uh hand sanitizing spray and i'm scared i'm gonna take the spray i'm just gonna spray him he's like oh thank you i'm clean

Didn't we buy it the same day together? I have a bunch I got online. I just have a bunch with my girlfriend in town. I don't want her to not have something on her, so I bought a bunch. All these assholes buying mace online. I go down to the mace shop. I bought them in person, too. It's a two-buy limit. You can't buy more than two. That's why I stocked up online. I did buy in person, actually. You also have to give your driver's license when you do it. Interesting. Yeah.

Wow, they card you for mace. Yeah. Well, they want it in the system so you're not hoarding mace.

Oh, shit. I think other states it's legal. New York has a weird... Of course, in Connecticut you can get it. And you're like, cool, no guys running at me with his dick out on the train in Connecticut. These are New York problems. Yeah, some guy's trying to sell you a schooner. Hang on, wait! Yeah, I don't know. Connecticut's got some dicey... Yeah, Bridgeport. Bridgeport's dicey. Pretty tough. Hartford's got some sketch...

New Haven. Hartford's definitely got some sketch. Oh, yeah. New Haven's got high crime rate. Amazing food, though. Yeah, Pepe's. Some of the best food in the country. Little Italy area is amazing. Legendary. They also, the other ones like Modern, which I've never been to, which is apparently great, and Sally's, I think. Oh, that's right. Yeah. They said Sinatra used to ship that Pepe's all over the country. Yeah, to Vegas. He would get it frozen and sent to Vegas. There you go. Yeah, dude. It's pretty damn good. I'll give him that.

But New Haven, you have like three blocks, and then you're in hell. There's not a lot of room there to roam. You're right. It's not a walking city. No, no. Even Yale is beautiful. It looks like Harry Potter over there. And then you go one wrong turn out the gates, and you're in the wire. Whose joke was that, Mark? It was like the worst...

the country is doing, the better their food is? Schultz. What was the joke? Something about... It's a good joke. It's like... I don't know if this is on any special. I don't want to give out his material, but it's like... I think it's on online somewhere. The more... The worse the women are treated in the country, the better the food is. That's why no one's ever said, let's go out and get Canadian. Oh, my God. That's his punch, but I don't want to butcher it. Not my joke, but it's a good joke. Yeah. But yeah, that's...

Yeah, that's America, though. You go down one street, and New Orleans is very like that. You take a wrong turn. That's why these tourists get fucked up in New Orleans. I mean, that's most cities, right, in America. It's crazy. One block's great. I mean, that's why I'm always fascinated by people like Michelle Wolf who see cities by running. I used to do that all the time, but now I'm just lazy. But you run, and it's a great way to see a city. But if you don't know the city, you're like, where the fuck am I? Yeah, at least you're out running. That's true. Yeah.

I have running. I don't know. I'd rather walk. I'm more of a walker, too. Running is just not... It's fun for a minute. It's fun to get your adrenaline up. And I get the rush of it, but it's just like...

I don't know. You'd rather ball, right? Play basketball. I'd rather be distracted. I enjoy basketball, so that's like a cardio. Even the winter, dude, when you're like that winter exercise where you're like, it's hard to breathe. I love that shit. Really? Yeah, because when you're done, it feels amazing. That's true. It sucks for like the first couple minutes, but then when you're done, you're like, oh, that feels...

It feels so good to be in the cold weather, not dressed warm. Yeah. And you don't need a jacket. You're just like, oh, I worked up a sweat. I feel good. That's nice. You get the head steam. Love a head steam. Love it. Now, you ever gotten runner's high? That's the worst high, obviously, of all the highs. Imagine telling guys at rehab that. Although the comedown's way better than heroin, I think. That's true. That's true. I got it once in college.

I ran forever and I was tired and I said, keep going. And I felt it. And I was like, this is runner's high and I've never gotten it again. I wonder if it's like lack of oxygen or something.

I don't know. Yeah, I think your brain's like, you're tired. I know you're tired. You're still going, so we're going to give you another jolt. It's going to come from somewhere. Well, have you seen, like, real runners, the professional runners? They're kind of shredded. Oh, yeah. Because, like, you don't think of a cardio workout as making you shredded, but, like, I guess they're just breaking muscles all the time or something. I don't know enough. But, like, have you seen, what's that guy who's always on Rogan, the black guy who's a runner? Goggins. Goggins. That guy's shredded. Shredded. Because I think...

Like swimming, for whatever reason, like everyone says that's a great workout because you're not it's no impact. So it's all just cardio. Yeah. But you're not there's no impact. So you're not like making the muscles work in that way. So I mean, Michael Phelps look amazing. But like, look at this guy. His muscles are so toned. Yes. Yes. All definition. Also, running is the only exercise where you're allowed to shit yourself.

You know what I mean? You always hear these guys like, I was running and then by the 13th mile I was shitting, but I kept going. And I'm like, you can't really do that in hockey. Or days. Shit on the ice. People are like, wait, is that the puck? But I'm just saying, you only hear about that with them.

yeah hockey is so badass too i was talking to uh you know i'm on the road gary vito and we're talking about like why are hockey movies so often the best sports movies yeah and gary's like you know what it is it's because a fight can break out at any time and it makes sense like sports and i was like oh that's that's well i mean why is slapshot so fucking funny why is happy i mean happy gilmore the hockey scenes are so fucking funny so funny goon is a really good movie miracle

Miracle's great. It's great. True story. Yeah, that's true. Hockey movies are great. Mighty Ducks was great. It's great. Good call, Vitor. Yeah, I mean, Slapshot. I mean, one of the funniest scenes is the kids, the Hanson brothers go in and just start beating the shit out of everybody. And one of the older guys on the team goes, this is a fucking disgrace. Ha ha.

Paul Newman. That was a dark-ass comedy. I loved it. That was very, like, 77. You could really get wild. Well, there's something about small market or, like, you know, AAA or minor league or something because you're playing for the love of the game. Yes. There's no bullshit, right? No one's there for, like, the contract. They're like, no, I'm here because this is what we do. Yeah. I love that. There's something, like, very much related to, like, hey, man, like, comedy's been good to us the last couple years, but we'd be doing this shit forever.

If it wasn't good to it. That's true, yeah. I think that's kind of the fun. Oh, shit. And the cool thing about comedy is... Oh, here we go. We got a melee. And they're like badasses who wear thick-framed glasses. Yes! It's during the warm-up, too.

I mean, it's hilarious to have dudes in glasses. You're like, I'm getting my ass kicked by nerds? I know. By the way, they're supposed to be wearing helmets. What the hell is going on here? No one wore helmets back in the day. Oh, I love it. Which is hilarious that people just didn't want to wear them. It's like when you see a dude on a Harley and he's just not wearing a helmet and you're like, you don't want to have a helmet on? Nah, messes up the hair. Did you ever see that video? It went viral of the guy skiing by like some pro hockey player and he's doing the rounds in the rink and these girls are like,

Hey, Billy, or whatever his name is. I sucked your dick in high school. And he was like, oh, yeah. He looks up. It's a great moment. That's hilarious. So this is a hockey goalie before they implemented the mask rule for hockey goalies. Damn. This is what these motherfuckers look like. Yeah, that's not good for your brain. No. That's got to suck. And they always have knocked out teeth.

Hockey players are fucking cool dudes, though. Have you ever met hockey players? The best. They're really good dudes. It's a weird combination of grace and also being kind of a badass. Because even the finesse guys are kind of badasses. They still kind of know how to fight. Oh, yeah. Equated to professional wrestlers. Also really nice guys. Grace plus badass. Good point. But.

Hockey, I think you need some money to start it. So these guys kind of came from little money. You can't really be broke and play hockey, can you? I think it's a part of the culture. Maybe in America, but I think in Canada it's very much part of the culture. Ah, okay, okay. Because Ponds Free is over there and it's free. Yeah. Here you have to have a rink, but there it's free. So middle income people can do it up there. The skates, the pads, the stick.

I don't know if they wear pads there, you know, when they're starting out. But I love, hockey players are always cool as shit. Like, I used to have a sports show, and I remember, like, Colton Orr was on, you know, who was, like, the Rangers enforcer. And I'm like, just, I remember he showed me his hands, and I was like, this is, I've never seen hands like this. Really? And I'd be like, were you ever just bummed when you had to fight? And he said, yeah, I'd look at the calendar sometimes, and I'd be like, shit, they've got an enforcer on that team who's gonna wanna fight me, and I'm gonna have to fight this guy. Ah.

And my head really hurts. I'm like, man, what an amazing way to live your life. I mean, the goons are, you know, enforcers, I guess is a nicer way to put it. Yeah. They always retire young for the most part. Sure. Because their fucking heads are fucked up. Mm-hmm. I mean, they literally take their... They have gloves on and they literally... Can you imagine if boxers were just like...

Yeah. I just started punching like Mike Tyson, just punching without gloves on. On skates, too. The whole thing's insane. So you need balance. Yeah. Crazy about how they pull your shirt over, just start wailing on you. That was an old Dangerfield joke. I went to go see a fight. A hockey game broke out. I love that joke. I thought that was Henny Youngman. I mean, I don't know. Either way. Did you see this Tom Green? I guess he's retired up to Canada, and he's living in a cabin from the 1800s, and it's

This is so meditative. He's like just fixing his hockey stick. Oh, this is him. Wow. I didn't even recognize him. He's one of the nicest guys. Great guy. And then he just him and his dog out playing hockey on this frozen lake. Whoa. I find that insanely anxiety inducing. This is a good break at any moment. Yeah, I can break it. That's all I'm thinking about. I can't enjoy the skate.

If that's how you grow up, I think you get it a little more. Yeah, Greg Fitzsimmons said he played pawn hockey his whole childhood. He said it was the best thing in his life. Yeah, but I'm like, I just can't not think about the ice breaking. Yeah, man. You know, Tom Green is so talented. He really is. I grew up on him. I really loved his MTV show back in the day. Oh, yeah, super innovative. He's underrated as being Andy Kaufman-level talent.

funny you might think yeah because i mean dude go to undercutters pizza this is i think one of the funniest sketches i've ever seen not a sketch it's like real life but he follows a pizza guy around and he and it's called undercutters pizza and he shows up with all the toppings in the suitcase and he offers a better deal

It's such a good... This is pre-Jackass and pre-internet. Peters, can we play some of this on the show? Yeah. Pre-Funny or Die. Pre-Adult Swim. Being Weird.

He's a funny dude. Yeah. He's a cook. Look at this. Oh, I remember this. Wow. Get out of here now. What the f***?

Left the dog out. Sounds like Long Island. It's got a pipe. Whoa! The guy could have not done that and then not had to clean all that shit up. True. They spit on their own floors. I don't get it.

I think he nailed it on the Long Island. Yeah.

Dude, he was consistently so fucking funny and creative. Yeah. That show was amazing. Didn't he one time paint his dad's house plaid? Something like that. He always had a wacky idea. He got testicle cancer. And he smashed the ball on air. He did it on

That was one of the most insane things I've ever heard. What did he do? He had testicular cancer. The balls removed. He takes it in a little thing, and he takes a hammer and breaks it on TV. Come on, with Glenn. Remember Glenn? Yes. Glenn Humpnick. And he was banging Drew Barrymore. I'm a Marrieder. Marrieder? Yeah. This guy, this fucking geek. Good for him. My dad was threatening to sell my car, the car that he bought for me.

Placing himself as a victim. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. We're actually Eskimo brothers. Who is? Me and Green. Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. We're burying the lead here. Go ahead. Well, I mean, that's it. That's the lead. Well, who's the gal? Well, I'm not telling you the gal. Drew Barrymore. Glenn Humblick. Yeah.

oh yeah green was great tv was fun tv was fun i mean he did the bum bum song it made no some of this shit made no sense it was amazing yeah the camera's on my bum my bum is on the sidewalk yeah that was it not look at your nipple when i talk to you this is how i know i you know you can't either right no it's just out around too well i feel objectified what if i was a woman with cleavage and you're just staring at it i'd say you chose to dress this way good point

All right. There we go. Mark just wants attention. No. Mark's going to leave. He's like, people were catcalling me. I'll be like, well, what were you wearing? I was asking for it. Oh, yeah. Look at that. All right. Let me give you a peeve. Yeah. Hit me. What is this? Amazon? It's fucking itchy. But so two. I got two peeves. I got more, too, if you want to keep going. All right. Let's keep going. You want to hand over the strawberries, by the way?

Thank you. Brings out the flavor of the champagne. Is that right? That's what they say. I've already eaten three of those. Reese's hearts? They're very good. I love those, dude. Reese's is my favorite candy. But so, one, how about this guy? The guy who asked you a question, he's texting while you answer, isn't really listening. Then you say something kind of interesting, and he goes, what was that? I'm like, wait.

You weren't listening to me. Now you want me to go back because you weren't listening? Get out of here. Yeah, it's like we did open mics. We're so used to fighting for attention. I got to do that offstage now. Right.

I'm so with you. I know those people, and you're kind of like, how boring am I? Yeah. And then you hear something like, wait, wait, what? Huh? And then you go, what was that part? And they're like, I'm not going back. You missed it. It's tough. These people, I mean, these are the people who are on their phones while they watch a movie. So you're like, well, how the hell am I going to compete with that? Completely. Or like the one earbud person. Like, you stop to talk to them, they only take one earbud out. It's like, what's going on in the other ear? Yeah.

You dazzle me, I'll take out the left one. But until then. It's a test. Yeah. But now, you know, I've been thinking like with the iPhone, because I like to text too. I like to check my bullshit and whatever. So I get it. I get looking at your phone. But I'm like, look, I'm reading an article. I'm listening to a podcast. He's talking to me. Why am I more inclined to go to the podcast than this guy talking to me? And I think I figured it out. What? You don't have to react.

With the pie, he's just listening. I can do the dishes. I can take a shit. This guy got to go, oh, is that right? You don't say? Get out of here. Come on. And I think that doesn't sound like a lot of work, but I think it is. Yeah, being present is work. Being present is work. Our minds wander so much. We both... You have ADD, too. You think? I think so. Don't you think he has ADD? Yeah, he's all over the place. He's all over the place. His podcast is called All Over the Road. Yeah. What is this? I mean... This is very nice. Thank you.

Oh, hey, what are you guys talking about? So then he, you know, I feel the same way as Mark, though. I'm definitely like, I'm like, what the, what? You know what I mean? Like, we both do it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, when you're doing the dishes or something and you're on the phone and they're like, I can't hear you. What was that? You're like, all right, sorry. I'll just sit in my chair and talk to you. I was trying to do two birds, one stone here. I get it. Yeah, I get it too. But, and look, being present, but you should be considerate. You should be, you know,

a human being and interactive, but I get it. Yeah, when you're with humans, be a human. There you go. That's the rule. You can't have it both ways. Yeah, you know, you should be a human. It's kind of like these... Mark, what was that? It's kind of like these comics who want to stand in the room but still talk. And I'm like, you got to talk outside the room. But we want to see how the show's going. You're like, you can't have it both. Either sit in the room and don't talk or get out of the room and talk. Oh, I remember, Mark. I remember we were doing a club. This is...

We were doing a club called CB's Comedy Club. Oh, shit. It was a shithole. Remember that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was like for those who... This was probably 2009 or something. Yeah. 2008. It was for comics who didn't work at the cellar yet. So it was like me, Mark Norman, Dan Soder. Some killers. Nate Bargatze. Nate Bargatze. Big Jay. Big Jay. Luis Gomez. Adrian I. Pellucci. There were funny lineups. But I remember...

You know, we're there. And Mark and I were like young comics just whispering in the back. And the guy who runs the room was like incredibly abusive. Oh, yeah. Just fucked with you nonstop. But we were like great. I mean, it was shit money, but they gave you a meal, which counted for a lot back then. Good meal. You know, you worked your whole day around it. Like, I'll eat at noon. That way I get the free chicken Milanese at eight. Yes. And Mark and I are just whispering in the back. And I'm like, and that's happening. And he just and the guy walks over and he goes, shut up. Shut the fuck up.

And we're like, well, that was way louder than what we did, you know? Yeah. But he's just yelling at us. Right. And then, of course, Mark and I are like this. We're like, ah. And then he comes back and he goes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Shots. Shots. We all just do shots. It was like the most incredibly abusive relationship that Mark and I were like, oh, he likes us. He gave us whiskey. And at the time, I was like, worth it. I'll take a free shot and a meal. This is great. Oh, we would get ripped at those shows. Oh, yeah.

Booze and food were the only things free, so you better believe we abused it. Totally. We abused you. You abused the booze. Yeah, sure. Pass it on. Totally. It was fair. All right, here's another peeve. Tell me where you're at on this one. And this is maybe me being a petty cunt, but fuck it. It bothers me. I got a friend and we like to debate. That's like our whole friendship is debating. We love each other, but we like to come up with a thing and just fight it out.

And I got him. I got him on this argument. I can't remember what it was. And he goes, yeah, you might be right. Like, no, no, I'm right. What does this might be? You know? Hey, two plus two is four. Yeah, you might be right there. No, that's it. We need an objective answer. That's the best he can give you. That's what it is. It drives me crazy. Or he goes, that's fair. No, that's not fair. I'm dead on here. You've got him in a rear naked choke. Tap out.

be beat here. Yes, you might have me here. Exactly. Hate that you might be right. We need to stop these you might be. Is this too much blurry bullshit? Am I right or am I not right? Yeah, that's a tough person right there. That's a tough guy. I don't know. Maybe he's not that bad. I like him.

That's interesting. Let me see. I had other peeves. I always have peeves. Because of this show, I always jot them down when they bug me. I'm going to start doing that with my girls. She's like, do I look fat in this? I'm like, you might have something. Let's see what else. Oh, I got one.

I emailed a guy about something. I was like, hey, I just need to know this real quick. And he goes, call me. I'll give you the rundown. I'm like, I'm emailing you. That's not even like a text to a call. Email to a call. You're jumping two social levels here. Yeah, good point. Call me. I'm like, we're not close. I need to know an answer here real quick. Yes. These are always the people that keep you on the phone for 45 minutes. Exactly. That's what it is. Sorry. You go. No, no, no. You go. I'm sorry. Well, no. It'd be one thing to just have a call and be like...

We're meeting at five. See you then. Bye. But it's going to be like, how are you? What time are we meeting? I'll see you then. Can't wait. Looking good. It's in the calendar. It's all the extra shit. All extra shit, brother. Email, you don't have the extra shit. You go, beep, boop, boop, done. That's why the call sucks. Sucks. It goes back to the niceties of the listening. It's the niceties that wear on you.

The Social Norms. Good name for my album. Hey, not bad. That's not bad. Too close to Norm, though. Yeah, it is. R.I.P. It's not you, it's me. How about, hey man, quick R.I.P. to the great Louis Anderson, man. We've recorded some of these late. I love Louis Anderson. I'm a big fan of Louis Anderson. I grew up on Life with Louis. Same. Loved it. I mean, I loved his stand-up.

I opened for him once in Vegas. How was it? It was great. He didn't love my act. Really? Well, he was like, he was so cool. He took me out. We went to McDonald's after. How fun is that? Me and him are at McDonald's. He drank milk at McDonald's, which I'll never forget. The whole time, like, what the fuck's this guy doing? He's drinking milk?

I thought you were like a huge superstar, but whatever. Drinking milk. And he's like, that one joke you got about, I had that joke about pedophiles where I'm like, girls go out and hit on guys just for the free drinks. It's a great bit. Makes you wonder if kids ever hit on pedophiles just for the candy. And he was like, that joke's a little creepy. I got to tell you, it's a little creepy. That's a great bit. I love Louie Anderson, but he's incorrect on that joke. Thank you. But he's a clean comic. So he was just like, I don't know about stuff like that. I'm like, well, the bit works. He's like, I don't know, but.

He was super sweet. He paid for the McDonald's. He ate it all. He ate mine. But great guy. I mean, just to hang out. I was nobody. I was like an open mic-er, and he took me out to dinner and chatted with me. We were an open mic-er if you work in Vegas. I guess you're right. I got a lucky break there. He did a great five-minute routine on Craig Ferguson about a heart episode he had, and it was...

The entire bit was going to the hospital. The entire late night set. Where he was just like, you know... He's going through all of it. There was bleeding in the walls in his heart. And he's talking about it. And he makes it so funny. And you're like, man...

Such a talent. And he was a clean comic. Yeah. And it was weirdly like every man, but also very witty and subtle. Yes, yes. It's hard to get that combination where you appeal to like... It felt like he appealed to everyone. Completely. Super likable, super down to earth, and I believe the first fat guy comic. I mean, that's not true, but he really... I mean, he made the fat jokes what they were, kind of. Yeah, like he kind of cemented that...

you know, let me move the mic stand so you can see me. Like all those extra jokes that everybody does now, he started it. Well, as a late night, as a late night set, you, it's great to open with a, for a late night set, it's great to open with a self-deprecating quick joke. And if you're fat, you get a quick fat joke out of the way. He had a great one on one where he goes, man, what a beautiful day it was today. You know, I almost went for a walk. Hmm.

That's a great opener. It's a great joke. I love Louie Anderson. I grew up on Life with Louie. That was a great show. Totally. I loved him on Family Feud, everything. Yeah, I'm a fan. Baskets? I never watched Baskets. Oh, he's great on Baskets. And kudos to Galifianakis for being like, let's get Louie to play my mom. Hilarious. And it just worked.

By the way, you recommended this show to me. It takes me a while, but I'm getting through to Mark's recs. Mark recommended the Bernie Brillstein book. I'm watching Taxi now because Mark said how good it was. The show Taxi? The show Taxi. Not the Queen Latifah movie. I love Taxi. Dude, it's phenomenal. Yeah, I was amazed on Taxi. Shows like this are so much...

It's so my humor. Like, I love James L. Brooks. Yes. He's so good at combining funny and art. Totally. Danny DeVito, Judd Hirsch, I love it. Oh, yeah. Tony Danza was the young heartthrob. Christopher Lloyd was the comic relief. And then Kaufman comes in later. Danza's funny, though, dude. Danza's great. I met him at a Broadway show when I was a kid. It's funny how the Italians were the heartthrobs in the 70s. It was like Scott Baio, Tony Danza, John Travolta.

It was all Italian dudes. Can I play this little bit here? Yeah. This is one of the funniest writings on a sitcom ever. Okay. I'm skipping ahead. Jim's taking a driving test. Okay, so he's taking a test and he's not really prepared. He has to pass to continue to be a taxi driver. Lloyd? Lloyd, yeah. Okay. So they're there to sort of give moral support. I love it. Yeah. What does a yellow light mean? No!

I mean that's vaudeville right there. That's classic. That's comedy folks. That is basic great comedy.

He's gonna do it. Imagine seeing that in 77 with your family. You'd be howling. And cut. I love the whole trope in sitcoms where no one else hears things at full volume. I love it. You know, like, what should I tell my girlfriend? And she's sitting right there. You know, they do that every time. Tell her to stop being a bitch. She's just, like, doing her nails still. Yeah, exactly. I love, dude, uh...

Taxi's funny as hell. Funny. And it's also, the pilot's incredible. I respect shows that like, because pilots are hard because you have to introduce all the characters, give a hint of all of them, make it funny, and hook us. And they do all of that. I mean, there's a whole thing about how, like, your main character is like, you find out he's been a deadbeat dad in the pilot, and he has to be likable. Right. And they stick the land in. Like, that's like a fucking play, dude. Yes. And you pulled it off in 20-something minutes. Like,

You know, I heard James L. Brooks once said about The Simpsons, like, no one's favorite character is Marge, but she's the most important character on the show. Ooh. Because the fact that she loves Homer lets Homer get away with anything. Is that right? That's pretty interesting, though, right? Like, Homer, he's most people's favorite character. Yeah, he's great. At least of the main. I mean, I love Moe. I love whatever. But Homer does have a sweetness all his own. For sure. But at the same time.

But if he does shitty stuff and Marge is like, you're abusing me. Yeah. You treat me like shit. There's that episode. You know. That's very interesting. I never thought about Marge. She's the glue. She's the glue. How about that? You need that shit. Yeah, I would go same with Cheryl on Curb.

Not she's not a Marge, but she would keep Larry together and all that. And you like Larry because, well, he's with her. He can have a wife. Somebody can stand to be with him. It gives him points. And he is good to her. He's annoying, but he's good to her. He's good to her. Exactly. You think like being Larry, we love it. But like being married to that character stuff. Oh, it's a nightmare. Totally.

Yeah. He's the man. Yeah, my ex-girlfriend was like, I love Cheryl. I was like, ah, Cheryl, she's not that funny. But now I get it. You need her. In real life, she's married to RFK Jr., so she picks tough people in real life, too. Wait, is she really? Yeah. What? Yeah. And he sort of went off the rails this week. He did? Yeah. What happened? He just gave a... Oh, you want to tell it? I mean, go ahead. I know JFK Jr. was like a hunk. Is he a hunk? No. No.

He also has that raspy voice problem. Anyway, so RFK gave a speech saying how the people trying to give you the vaccine are similar to the Gestapo. Yeah.

And how in 10 years from now with all this 5G technology and all the satellites, there'll be nowhere to hide. Even Anne Frank had somewhere to hide. It's like, bro, don't. He also says Anne Frank was in Germany. He's just getting basic facts wrong. Also, the hiding did not work out well for Anne Frank. I don't know if you finished the book. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But, uh... Damn, I gotta check this guy out. He sounds wild. He's wild. So he's a rabid anti-vaxxer, and Cheryl is a vaxxer. They had a Christmas party where it was like, you have to be vaxxed to show up. Whoa. And he was like, it's because of my fucking wife. That was, like, in the invite. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

And then right after, he's like, oh, I guess Vax people can come here, you know. Well, you got to hand it because Larry picked the right wife then because she's kind of dealing with a guy who's tough in real life too. So that's probably perfect casting. For sure. Man, I had no idea. I'm missing all that. I didn't know about this RFK thing. What do you got for a wreck? Well, if we're going down the comedy memory lane there with Taxi,

First of all, the new season of Ozark is solid, but I didn't want to wreck that because it's too easy. So I did a little digging. First of all, I went to Syracuse this weekend. Got my ass kicked by the crowd. Not good? Well, we had five shows. One show was amazing. Just the hottest crowd ever. And every other show was like a knife fight in Calcutta. Just not getting shot in that mall was a victory, though. That's true. That's true. They had a shooting. Did they? Recently. Not that weekend, but at the food court. That mall has...

I'm going to get shot energy. Well, the problem is the mall is the city because it's two degrees, so you've got to go to the mall. So if there's a shootout in Syracuse, it's at the mall. Everything's at the mall. The weddings are at the mall, school field trip, shootings, you name it. Yeah. So...

Either way, I was hanging out with this kid, Kevin, and he's like, we're talking about old jokes at lunch. And I did a Dick Gregory joke, who's got great jokes, by the way. Great, great jokes. Killer one-liners. And he goes, well, you must have seen the documentary. And I was like, what? There's a Dick Gregory documentary? And he's like, yeah, it's on Showtime. So I went home and I watched it. It's fucking great.

Yeah, civil rights activist, great joke writer, great storyteller. Health activist. He was all about getting rid of the war in Vietnam. He was all about eating right. He would go to fat people's houses and help them and stuff, and he made all these groups to help fat people, and it was...

Fascinating. He never stopped. He neglected the shit out of his 10 children. But a fascinating guy. It's always weird when people have huge families and they're great to everyone but the family. That was big. Isn't that crazy? That was a big part of the doc. Yeah, it's a little weird, you know, because the kids were like, he's a great man, a brilliant man, but I'd like to see him, you know? Well, yeah, that's a lot of people who are like historically great.

Talk to their kids. Yeah. So true. So true. I wanted to give you guys a rec privately, but since we're here together, can I do this? Please. Yeah. So Kamal Bell has a special coming out. He's in the doc, by the way.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. They got all the black comics to talk. He's got a doc coming out, I think, later this week. I saw this on Cosby. Oh, you saw it already? No, I didn't see the movie. I saw the trailer. Have you seen the trailer? On Cosby? It's so good, Mark. You have to watch this. You've seen the doc already? No, just the trailer. Oh, let's watch it. I'm going to fall asleep halfway through. I'm a black man. I stand up comic. I was born in the 70s. But this? Oh, boy. The accusations just keep coming in. This was complicated.

- How do we talk about Bill Cosby? - Uh-uh. - It's complex, Kamau, you know? - Bill Cosby was our teacher. - A center of morality all throughout his career. - Made my grandmother laugh, made everybody in the house laugh. - Hey, there he is. Godfrey, best guess. - ...about black America in the 20th century and not talk about Bill Cosby. - Thank you. - On that set, I saw black writers, black directors. - Did you ever want his jobless? -

Yeah.

Bill Cosby has been leaving breadcrumbs. This is my barbecue sauce. After people have something, they get all huggy buggy. Ah, Lisa Bonet. He's just talking about how to drug women. Beautiful women. They were lined up outside of his dressing room. What did you think was going on? He looked at me and he said, fool them again.

Whoa. You don't often learn that your hero's the worst sorts of villain. This is just a sad day in the history of black culture. It was just like, no, not Bill Cosby. It's tough being a sister's thing. Do you know what scares me? I feel like I have to have this discussion. We thought we knew Cosby. We never knew Cosby.

Wow. It's nice to see this type of conversation in long form and not on Twitter because it deserves nuance and it deserves because you can be more than one thing. Look, Cosby's a terrible human being. But...

But his entertainment did help people. I do think, like, they're talking about him being a teacher, and, like, he didn't follow his own example. He was a dogshit human being, but it is important to have that conversation in the long form rather than, you know, in a click-baity social media sort of way. Agreed, agreed. Way to bring it down. I will say...

Yeah, the whole thing is insane. It shows you like you never know. Like we're playing a Cosby clip on Valentine's Day. Yeah. Ladies. Ladies. That's hilarious. Yeah. Last thing I want to say about Dick Gregory. But one thing cool about Dick Gregory, good comic, activist, big activist, but still had jokes.

You can be an activist comedian and still be funny. Folks out there, you activist comedians, you still got to have jokes. Like he would go on The Tonight Show with like killer jokes with a message. But the jokes were killer.

I feel like you don't see that anymore. All these like rah-rah comics, they have no jokes. I could not agree more. You know, a lot of people, you see them on the road, they're playing for people who already agree with everything they say. Right. And they're kind of pandering to those people. Of course. So, I mean, it's an easy trap to fall into, but you still need punchlines. I think a good comedy audience wants to be challenged, not in like some way like you're alienating them, but in a way where you're kind of

Not every joke, but every once in a while they're going, hmm, what the fuck is that setup going to do? I think keeping an audience... A lot of jokes should be the release of tension. And if you're just doing shit that they already feel, you're not accomplishing that. Right, right. A hint of discomfort is good for comedy, too.

And seeing things from a different angle, like Jim Jeffries aforementioned, the gun bit, he hits every angle, every viewpoint, every point of view, and it's like, that's why that bit went viral. He could have just gone, guns are dumb, put them away, joke, joke, joke, but he hit every angle. That's what great comedy is. I love when a black comic goes, no, no, this is why racism is good.

You know, you're like, whoa, wait a minute. You know, this is interesting now. Even sarcastic, whatever it is. But Jim is like it's almost with Jim's bit on guns where he is saying everything that you're going to poke a hole in. Yeah. And I know what you're going to say. I'm a foreigner talking about guns in America. I mean, he handles it. It's almost like, you know, like he's a lawyer. It's like a lawyer. I was just going to like Johnny Cochran.

Say what you will, OJ did it, but he got him off, and that's why we know his name, because he figured it out, and he twisted it, and got his argument out there. And that's why he's the legend that he is. Same with a comic. If you twist it and tweak it, and you're like, damn, you got a point. Yeah. Stanhope is good at that, too. Great at it. Yeah, so that's fun. But yeah, I'll watch that. I'll watch it, yeah. I feel like I know everything.

you know? Yeah. But it is interesting. Yeah. It's pretty, you don't know the black perspective. That's true. And that's important. You know, I've talked to, we've talked to Godfrey about it off camera and stuff and, you know, and, but that, yeah, it's tough. I mean, like, look, we, we,

we don't want to come off as like hypocrites. We talked about Annie Hall earlier today. Like I do feel like as a Jewish New Yorker, like that hit me similarly, you know, like I loved Woody's movie so much, so much a part of being a Jewish New Yorker or just a New Yorker. Like Manhattan is like a love story to, to New York. Oh yeah. More than it is a 18 year old who goes to Dalton. 17, 17, whatever. But, uh,

you know, there's stuff that you have to reckon with. And, and it's like, can you separate the artist from the art? Can you not? I mean, there's a lot of conversations to have there with, with Bill. It's like his first album is called himself. That makes it tough. Right. It's like, this is me. So there is, you do feel a little duped if you're a Bill Cosby fan. Uh, it's tough, but then also you're like, well, I think Tom Cruise is kind of a kook too. Right. Yes. And I love Tom Cruise movies, you know, where's the line. Hmm.

And Cosby's interesting because it shows that it can go both ways. You can be this bad guy on, like, look at Jezelnik, his whole jokes are like killing dead babies, cancer jokes, school shooting jokes. They're all funny, but he's a nice guy.

Cosby is the opposite. We act like because you say crazy shit sometimes, you are a mean guy or gal. But it can go both ways. You can be the height of morality like Cosby and be the worst guy ever, or you can say the worst shit ever and be a great guy.

And if you feel more duped when it's the nice guy. Sure, sure. Because you're like, I'm the nice guy. And then you find out that he drugged 60 women. There's 60 accusations. And you're like, well, those are the people who came forward, right? I know. So that's tough. The number of Cosby victims is through the roof. It is hilarious to be that sanctimonious. Well, I don't curse in my act. Well, you do other stuff. Yeah, exactly. You did other stuff that, you know, like I'll curse. Right. I won't do that. Yeah. You know, so...

That's why it's so weird when we're like, Kevin Hart made a gay slur 10 years ago. You're like, well, let's worry about this guy. Kevin Hart lost his opportunity to host the Oscars because he said something wrong about gay people. Meanwhile, the same Academy Awards honored Roman Polanski in 2003 with a Lifetime Achievement Award. So you're kind of like, well...

I think as comics, we're kind of like, we're annoyed with lack of consistency. Yes. Right? Well said. No one's denying, none of us are going to say Kevin Hart's not funny. Also, we're all going to say, yeah, Roman Polanski's a great director. Yeah. But... Not just lack of consistency, there's no rule book. This guy's punishment is worse than that guy's, even though what he did was different than what he did, but we hate him now for timing. They always go, well, timing to hurt that guy. You're like, timing? Timing?

what are we doing here? We need to know what punishment fits the crime. And with Polanski's another one where like nothing is more complex in that situation. He did something terrible. He also had one of the worst things happen to him. I mean, losing your wife,

to, you know, man. Oh, right. If you, if you want to read a great book on this, the big goodbye by Sam Lawson is one of the most incredible inside Hollywood books. I've ever really is a wreck. It's, I think I might've wrecked on the pod before, but it's incredible. It's about Polanski Chinatown, all that shit. It's really a good book. It's good. Nicholson stories. But, uh, I wonder if Polanski, when, uh, Tate died, he was like, well, she was getting old. All right. He liked younger girls. Ha,

I'm trying to get a joke in somewhere. Just lost your Oscar hosting. You're right, we got heavy. He started it with this fucking Cosby shit. I know, yeah. What are you putting that on? We were having a good time, and then he shows us a fucking rape documentary. Yeah, I know, right? And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man? Good Lord. Let's get the Holocaust film up here. Can we do that? Or there's a Pruder movie, something? Let's just get the bits in. Can we get, yeah, maybe can we get like... Can we get some ginger in here to cleanse the palate?

Good Lord. What is it? Ginger, right? That's the shit at sushi. Matt, can you show us a trailer for an Epstein documentary too? Happy Valentine's, everybody. Woo, boy. Valentine's. Hey. How about the Memphis Dream? You know who's going to have a weird Valentine's Day this year? Jelaine Maxwell. That's right. Got to be pretty weird. Yeah.

Mark, do you have a bit? I've gone down memory chiseling. Yeah, I got it. Oh, shit. Yeah, what's my bit? What's my bit this week? Big Papa. I know I got something cooking, baby doll. Oh, this joke, I can never get to work. And maybe you guys can help me. I think I'm on to something, but it ain't ready by a mile. Okay, here we go.

I've noticed a lot of women are very aesthetic. Their outfits are well done. Their hair is done. Their makeup is done. Their shoes are trendy. Their apartment is well decorated. They got the mosquito net. They got 19 pillows. Even a woman's dog is well groomed with a little bow tie. But their boyfriends or husbands are the grossest thing in their life. Tend to be. Like, look at Salicus. He's appalling. Physically. You know? But like, they can see past that. Where...

You know, like they can't see they want their their furniture to be very perfect. Like May, my lady's always like, we should get furniture that matches the season. I'm like, what? We have a couch. The couch is the couch. He's like, yeah, but what if we got a couch this color? Because it'll be better in the fall. I'm like, huh? And she'll buy different furs that go on top of the couch depending on the time of year. But then she fucks me. That's what I'm saying. Like, isn't that weird? The thing you let fuck you is the grossest thing in your life.

You know, we're not very well groomed. We're unkempt. We have a little BO. We got pubes. You got back hair. My point is, yeah, like a lot of girls, you see these beautiful models and they're dating like, you know, a guy with a beard, long hair, like a Duck Dynasty guy. Yeah. So with men, they can see past the looks, but everything else in their life is very materialistic. The one time you break your rule is on the most intimate occasion. Right.

Right. I don't know if there's anything here, but something interesting there. It's something. I don't know. That's my premise. It's like, yeah, you're like, I need this spot. See? She's fucking me. That might be the punchline.

But that's making my point. That's the best part when you're like, I was trying to bit last night about like couples therapy and it was just bombing. And I was like, well, I guess I'm the problem. You know, clearly like, yeah, you're an asshole. That's almost a good punch to keep. But yeah, you know, a guy comes crawling out of a from under a car. He's got some fucking oil grease right here. He's eating a hoagie, drinking a Budweiser. And some woman's like, oh, he's so manly. Yeah. And she's into it.

But yet the goddamn mosquito net around the bed and the flower petals and the shawl and the furs and the pillows, they're all very manicured and perfect.

Yeah. So what I'm trying to think of what you're trying to say is, yeah, because right now I already know what you're trying to say is that you're the one exception to her rule. Yes. And the most important thing, not the most important thing in her life, you know, you can buy a couch, but if you are in love with this man and yet it's appalling, it's gross to me. It's kind of like, well, if a guy is too manicured, he's either gay or he's in love with himself. Oh, so there's like, you're like, you don't want a guy who's that, uh,

well taken care of right right yeah also the other the way to kill this bit is by saying well men have personalities and feelings and these are just things women yeah women care we're gonna say man i say that uh it's opposite for men men will keep the place sloppy but want the woman looking perfect we're the opposite yeah we're the exact opposite did you say that already kind of yeah i thought of that but now i'm doing a men and women are different bit kind of but i

I don't know, just, we're all so like, yeah, I'm going to fuck you because I want you to look good because I'm also fucking you. But they're like, well, I'm fucking you and you don't have to look good. So it's interesting. Well, they do want you to look good. They want you to look somewhat good. Yeah, you can't be homeless, but I just find it interesting that the thing they're fucking is gross. Looks aren't always the most important thing to a woman. With men. With men. But everything else in their life has got to look perfect.

And then you meet a woman who's got a really messy apartment. You're like, whew, I'm not touching this one. Like there's something about like you want it that way. Yeah. Yeah. Even women like Paris Hilton will buy the dog that matches her. It's cute. You know, it's not like a you never see a woman with like a dirty Doberman with like saliva and shit. But the boyfriend looks like shit. Yeah. I don't know where the I don't know where the turn is. I just find that interesting.

And I did this, I told Michelle Wolf, and she was like, this is big, this is a bit. And I'm like, I got nothing. Also, when someone tells you this is a big bit, it puts the pressure on. I can't think of anything. It resonates with women. Yes. Yeah. Because, you know, you see, you go down women's track record, and you're like, really? That guy? And they like dad bods. They're kind of into dad bods. They like hairy chest. They like these things.

About men? I'm trying to think what mixes it up, right? Like if you're just doing, if you're only doing one thing, it's almost like adds flavor. I'm trying to find the right way to say this. Yeah, yeah. I'm not adding much yet. Like a woman wouldn't drive a hooptie piece of shit car, but she would date a hooptie guy.

I guess a hoopty guy can have charm or personality. A car can't really have charm. My thing is if a guy, though, is too into himself, he's got nothing else to give. He's all about him. So that's a red flag, I think. That might be the angle. Well, she fixed all these things in her life to suit what she likes. Maybe she thinks she'll fix the guy, too. Yeah, well, that's definitely a thing. I mean, that's why women and a lot of women do try to

get a fixer-upper. I mean, that's just like having a good eye. You look at the apartment, you're like, well, this is below market value, but a renovation could really make this. Flip this boyfriend. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. All right, okay. I like it. Maybe the house comparison. This has got good bones. Yes. Yes. It's got character. Character goes a long way. Yeah. That's a charming motherfucking pig. What movie?

Pulp Fiction. Thank you. All right, what do you got? You got a bit? All right, what do you got? Sorry, that was a heavy one. Have I run the bit about ABC's What Would You Do, Bayou? Have you seen this show? It's basically, if you haven't seen it, it's like woke punked. What? You haven't seen this show? ABC's What Would You Do? Oh, What Would You Do? Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. It's basically like you get actors and then... John Canunes. John... There we go. You know who the guy is. No one knows him. That's why this bit's been kind of working it out of the gate, but it needs more. But like, so...

It's usually like a social justice scenario they try to set up where they gauge the reaction of the people in the store. Like the one I saw recently, there's always a clickbaity one. Like one of them will be like, you know, military guy with head problems after the war gets made fun of by waitress. And you're like, I mean, who the fuck's not going to say something like that? So it's shit like that. Or like there's one where like I just saw recently and it's like a

woman's trying to buy a wedding dress and the person selling it to her is like you're a lesbian and that's disgusting so we're not selling the dress and of course people in the stores are like what the fuck are you what's wrong with you so it's basically a test to see who will speak up got it got it who will not let this yeah so there's a black mother daughter who walk over to this woman they go this is disgusting this is no different than doing it to us because we're uh we're black this is bigotry and they get so worked up that they start crying

and it's like a heavy scene and then the guy just comes out like gotcha and you're like that what why would you do this you're just making people sad and so my angle was like uh

he's not even famous, the guy. It's like when you, when it's Ashton Kutcher who did it to you, you're like, oh cool, I got to meet a celebrity. But he comes out, he's like, it's me, John Quinones. And everyone in the store is like, who? Yeah. Is he like a fat Hispanic guy in a suit? Yes. Yeah, I know that guy. He's an older guy. He's got to be like 70. Yeah. And it's like, aren't you a little old for this shit, dude? Right. So that part kind of hits. And then I want to do a thing about like, I'm trying to add to it. We're like,

There's one scenario where it's like a child who gets, she gets, yeah, look at him. He's kind of adorable. He is. But she gets kidnapped by another guy. Oh my God. Yeah. And she's an actress. I mean. I know, but they're setting up a real life and death scenario that people are supposed to jump into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, first off, my angle is like not exactly a dream gig for this actor, you know? He's like, he wanted to be Hamlet.

And he's like, I'm throwing a seven-year-old into a windowless van. So I'm trying to wrap it together somehow where it's like,

One time people help, and that one time's got to be fucking terrifying for that actor. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where he's like, where the fuck is John Quinones, guys? Getting chased by the hell's angels here. Right, right. Yes, that's true. It's doing all right. It needs more. Something's off about it. I don't know. Well, maybe the question is, how far is he willing to go? Like a lady at a wedding shop is like, you won't serve her because she's a lesbian or whatever. You won't sell to her. This is sad, but...

like what if we go all in like 9 11 now we got a plane hitting a building and then people are helping people out of the building and some people run and john quinones runs next to you and he's like sir you helped out you helped that old lady out and they're like the building's fine they're like yes this was all a game yeah yeah exactly how far is he willing to go that's the angle you're right that's that's the angle i have to push it how far are we going to take this shit that's that's the turn there we go extreme like when does john quinones intervene

Yes. Yeah. Yes. And then it's awkward because these are serious situations. So like, you know, you ever seen the movie Room? Oh, it's brutal. Brutal. But the girl's trapped in the room and then Quinones walks in. He's like six months later.

Isn't this crazy? I'm driving room for you. Yeah, exactly. That's great stuff. I like how they're always in New Jersey. Every one of them is in New Jersey. That's as far as they could take the film crew. Can we jump somewhere else? Oh, dude, it's hilarious. You get like stat. There's one I saw where there's like two girls and they're both with their grandma.

And of course they're all actors And the grandmas are like Taking selfies in the diner That was the whole thing That they're embarrassing the kids They're like You know Gray hair Don't care You know Instagram And they're like Grandma you're embarrassing us You wish they would just Take it further And just start like making out They're like Grandma But they turn to a guy They're like Are you embarrassing Are you embarrassed for them too And it's like a Staten Island guy He's like I think you fucking grandmas Are cool You know I like you grandma Yeah

Gray hair don't care. That's what I say about my pubes. But wait, we got to wrap this up here. We got a guest coming in. Road gigs coming up. Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm all over the place, all over the road. La Jolla, California, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, Kentucky, I think Louisville, Raleigh at the Carolina Theater,

Yeah, we got some fun gigs there. Tampa, Sidesplitters, Indianapolis, Helium. I think I got Omaha, Nebraska. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Check out my Patreon for other stuff. And yeah, yeah. Out to lunch. Netflix. What do you got, Fetty? I got... Shit. What do we have? February, we have... Oh, we just passed... It's probably just past...

So, yeah, I got Sacramento this weekend, La Jolla, California at the Comedy Store. We got Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, New York City, Beacon Theater, baby. Those are moving quickly. We're going to sell that out. Nashville, Tennessee, Albany, New York.

Fucking all over the place. Toronto, Buffalo, Tampa, Yamada, some bullshit. Check out my YouTube stuff. You're all wonderful people. Email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com. Rex, Peeves, drinks, movies, whatever the hell you want to talk about. Bits, we'll listen to. Our Patreon is patreon.com slash wemightbedrunkpod. It's

killer. Ooh, I like this outro. We might need a jazz intro. I know you guys hate our theme, so I like this type of shit. If you got a good jazz song, we'll listen. Maybe Lyricless. Yes, Lyricless. Good call. We love you. Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you stay together. Huh? Oh! Merge big.

That is a beauty. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. And we have the other ones, too. We have the Rick and Morty one, right? Oh, yeah. That's my favorite one, the Rick and Morty. That's killer. Here, let me cover up my nip, will you? It's getting cold in here. I could cut glass. But thank you, guys. And we'll see you next week. Happy Val!

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