Ep 5: Irish Coffee & Orange Wine
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One more drink, one more drink, and for sure we gon' stink 5am you pricks, the barkeep frowns This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2 Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2 Yo

Hey! Alright, we're cooking. We're cooking. We're back, baby. Good to be back. It's been a whole week has passed and I feel like a ton of shit has happened. Yeah, it's a lot. We're now available on Parler, YouTube, and... I think we're doing a live from the Capitol next week. That place is wide open. So you just got back from Phoenix. How was that? Boy, are my arms tired. No, it was great. Great club. I mean...

You hate to say it, but all these gun-toting towns are just living life. The sun is shining. Please be careful. The bars are open.

Very careful. I, you know, I didn't really mingle with anybody, but boy, oh boy. Great club, great people, great town. I always say every guy there looks like an out-of-work UFC fighter and every girl looks like an ex-porn star. It's Sacramento too, right? Every dude, I'm like, is that Chuck Liddell again? Exactly. It's bad tattoos. It's like weird haircuts where the sides are shaved but the top is heavy.

Utah is like that as well Yeah, Utah Underrated Salt Lake, beautiful I can't wait to get back to Phoenix, man I really can't It's funny You just said The boy or my arm's tired We got some shit For our last episode Because we left Rodney Dangerfield Off the one-liner comics The best one-liner comics And we just And you just quote Henny Youngman I'm like, that's another one

Right. That's the grandfather. He's the king. Yeah, he's the original. Oh, geez. How do we live out Rodney? Take my wife, please, though, is like the ultimate. That's like the first great one liner that I know of. Killer. I mean, he had a million of them. I went to a I went to a hockey game. No, I went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out.

He's got some great ones, like way ahead of his time See, Rodney's tough because I don't even see him as a one-liner I just see him as this brilliant, legendary, killer comic I don't even think of him as like a genre Yeah, Henny Youngman won Man Sees a Doctor Tells him he's got six weeks to live Says he's got no money He gives him another six weeks That's classic comedy, I love it Yeah, Dangerfield too, man Like, so many fucking classic Those Carson sets are just like Oh, dude

What's great about Dangerfield, everybody always says comedy doesn't hold up. It doesn't last. Comedy's got an expiration date. His shit holds up for 3,000 millennia. It's got millions of views. It kills with the young and old.

Dude, I'll tell you, my mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend, all right? Those are like perfect lines. I was an ugly kid, I'll tell you. I love it. Oh, it's genius. I mean, I saw a guy jogging naked in my neighborhood. I said, what are you doing? He said, I said, why are you doing that? He said, you came home early. Oh, it's fucking gold. My wife called me and said, hey, come over. Nobody's home. I went over there. There was nobody home. Ha ha ha.

Genius, so simple. My wife, she wants to have sex in the car, and she wants me to drive. Come on. I went to the bartender. I said, surprise me. Show me a naked picture of my wife. Ah.

The only problem with Rodney is he's given hope to every Tom, Dick, and loser who goes, hey, you know, Rodney didn't make it until he was 57, so I still have a shot. Like, nah, you got no shot. But Rodney opened the door for all that same sentence. Hey, Rodney didn't make it until 57.

Yeah, man. That's what we need less of right now. Hope. Uh, anyway, no, that was hard. No, no, you're with, I'm with Lewis Black and Rodney are the two that everyone brings up. Right. Right. They're funny. You ever, uh, you ever, uh, Joe Biden, like third, uh,

How about Phoenix, though, is like, that's a party. You've been there. How many times have you been there? I've probably been there four times. It's a party town. The people are in great shape. And I realize, I think it's because it's hot all year round. You can't put on weight there because you'll just sweat your ass off. Everybody's in shorts and flip-flops and sleeveless. All the girls are in yoga pants. It's bananas. And everybody's nice, I think, because you don't know who's got a gun.

Ooh, that's a good point. Uh-huh. I have a point. Yeah, it's just like, why is this guy so nice to me when I'm driving my rental car? He doesn't know if I got a Glock under the seat. That's a good point.

So, you know, I'm not a gun guy, but they keep you in line, I think. That's why people in New York are such rude assholes. They're like, that guy doesn't have a gun. No guns! We're not allowed here! That's good. That's a good point. That's a point. In New York, a car cuts you off if you give him one of these. Right. Because you don't think he's got a gun. Exactly. No one's flicking off traffic, you know?

you know, in an intersection Phoenix. That's a good point. No, no, sir. I mean, you never know who's got a rifle or whatever. It's, uh, it keeps you in line, you know, you don't want to die. It's like the old, it's like the, uh, the fucking Andrew Jackson days. Right. Oh dude. Joe Zimmerman's Andrew Jackson joke. If you haven't heard it, Google Joe Zimmerman on Andrew Jackson, all the crazy shit that president did. Man, give it a Google. Like the amount of people he shot, the amount of,

Just people he shot in the face on the lawn of the White House, just in a duel. That's when presidents didn't have their fucking henchmen do their bidding. That's when they're like, I got this. You know what I mean? That's the good old days.

It's funny how back then I think a president had to be like a tough badass That was the only way you got high Now it's like, is this guy sensible? Is he a family man or a smart person? Back then it was like, will he shoot this stranger? Oh yeah, first president, General Washington I mean, bad motherfucker Yeah, wooden teeth, smoked weed, owned slaves It was a different time Ha ha ha

I like them like badass You're like, he owns slaves I'm like, I don't know Well, I think back then If you didn't own a slave It was weird Like, look at this pussy Like you're not eating meat now? Yeah Yeah, exactly If you didn't own a slave You were vegan What about, um

Hmm. I'm thinking of what presidents that weren't was Taft a badass? Didn't he die in a pretty who's the president who died like immediately in the office or someone who died? Yeah, he died in a tub or he got stuck in the tub. But then like Teddy Roosevelt was shot during a speech and finished the speech, which is for a comic. I'm like, I get heckled. One guy yells, you suck. I cancel the show. You know, this guy's getting shot in the shoulder.

It's amazing when you think of like The shit people accomplish and then I'm just like I fought to get to my bodega For an egg sandwich at like 135 today Exactly I was like fucking like let me put some fucking Let me put the Rocky theme on I was like I missed it by five minutes They cut it off at 130 And publicists were weird Or were different back then Like now it's like

Trump said retard in a tweet, so we gotta scrub that from the internet so he doesn't get a bunch of hate. But back in the day, what's the guy? Oh, is it Truman? Oh, I'm an idiot. The guy who couldn't walk. Polio. Was it FDR? Yeah. Yeah, maybe it was him. He had to fake being able to walk, so they would put like,

Stirrups and metallic Beams in his pants So he could kind of shuffle around for the camera Like when you use peanut butter on a dog For like an animated thing Yeah, exactly But it's like, look, who cares? We don't need this guy jogging But back then, you need your image An image of a strong president He's getting wheeled around like, my legs are hanging on They're not completely dead What are you drinking?

Oh, good question. Good question. Well, I stayed out all night drinking last night, and I had like the 8 a.m. flight, and then the flight's five and a half hours from Phoenix. So I'm like running on fumes. I took a nap. So I figured I need a little jolt, and we're having a cocktail. So we're going to do a little... Hold on. I got a big cup of coffee, and then a friend of mine, Jamie Lynn, was nice enough to give me a...

She's a booze distributor, so I try to get her- I met her. She came to my show the other night. Tall, good-looking Puerto Rican Jew? Yeah, she- By the way, she said she was going to send me one of those bottles. Jamie Lynn, if you're watching, I'd love one. Yeah. Are you doing an Irish coffee right now? Is that what you're telling us? Yes, sir. Ooh, this is a first. An Irish coffee on our show. I know, right? I never really drink these. I'm a Bloody Mary guy. Me too. Fuck it.

Yeah, if you're forced to go to a brunch or something, you're Bloody Mary over mimosa all day, right? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm a heterosexual male here. I mean, I can't hold that little flute. Might as well be a skin flute. I'm also not big on making already weak drinks weaker. Right, right. Good point. Yeah, Bloody Mary, it's got the sodium. It's got the okra and the pickle and the onion, the celery, etc.

And I like tomato juice, so BM all day. Tomato juice is great, man. I love an old episode of Mad Men when they're in the meeting and they've got those little glass carafts. They've got the mimosa, they've got the Bloody Mary. That's a fucking business meeting. That's how you do business, man. I know. Man, some lady back then with a miniskirt had to fill that tomato juice caraft for the boss to come in. That's insane. Different time.

Yeah, and then she got filled by the boss. It was a very different time. She was Bloody Mary later. All right. I went too far. No, there is no too far. This is the bar. I'm doing a glass of wine, and I've been doing brown liquor tequila every week. I'm doing a very funky glass of wine, dude. I'm doing natural wine. Natural? That's right. It's fucking orange, dude. Look at that. Yeah, it looks like apple juice. Dude, it's delicious. It's funky. It's weird. This is the bottle right here.

Oh, so now is this considered a white? I guess it's white grapes, but it's like, I'm not a big white guy, but the orange is pretty damn good, man. I'm not a big white wine guy. I kind of always remember that show Bored to Death would be on with Jason Schwartzman. I used to love that show. I liked it, but I didn't love that he was a white wine guy. See, I like a white wine on a hot day. You know, growing up in New Orleans, white wine. I like this.

It was like there at the table. It was like a table wine. The red was too thick. The teeth turned blue or purple. The tongue gets thick. I don't know.

This is where you show your Southern roots and I show my New York roots. Cause I'm like, I like a full bodied red wine in the winter. There's something nice about it. It looks great. A bourbon or a red wine in the winter for sure. Yeah. That sounds, see, that sounds nice. Wine is like weed to me. Red wine is like weed where I see a guy hitting it and I'm like, damn, that looks good. And then I do it. I'm like, ah, this is too much, but I get it. You know, it goes great with food. It's just, it's too heavy for me. It's too, it's too Cody coats. My, my mouth. Yeah.

Which I guess is what people like. It does do that. But like red wine and pasta, man, that's what it's all about. See, that's what everybody tells me. It sounds good to you. But...

I don't know. It's too thick, and I want to like it. You know, the Greeks are chugging wine, and, you know, I've seen these old photos of the castle. Yeah, they had a whole god of wine, Dionysus, the god of wine. That's true. Wow, what a bunch of booze bags. Yeah, it's weird that that's your whole thing, though. It's like, you know, Zeus is, like, throwing lightning bolts at people, you know?

Yeah. God of music, God of beauty, and then... Yeah. And then he's like, I just get shit-faced. And they're like, all right. Right. Probably the most fun God. Probably. Hades might be fun, though. Hades, yeah, he seems cool. Better than Hermes. Hermes, what a lame God. He's like a UPS guy. He's like an executive assistant. He's a fucking God? Yeah, exactly. Cupid, never got it. Cupid.

Valentine's Day, what a dumb fucking holiday It fucks dudes in the ass It kills us It's so much pressure You gotta make the girl happy You gotta spend a ton of money It's gotta be the right thought put into it You need two gifts too Flowers aren't enough anymore It needs to be like the nice big gift And then like the dumb thoughtful gift

Right, right. Like that little one that's like, I care. I put thought into this. Yes. God, I hate that shit. And then you got to throw the dinner on top. So you got to have flowers. You got to get the gift. And then we got to go out to dinner. You don't even get points for the flowers anymore, by the way. No. Because flowers are an obvious one. Flowers are like, yeah, of course you're getting me flowers. Right. It's like a kid getting candy on Halloween. Now they want more. Right, right. I want a gift card, bitch.

Yeah You're eight Get out of here That was a bad analogy I feel like kids are fine with candy I feel like I missed the mark on that analogy I don't know, I could see You want a cool costume That's the point I was making Yeah, I get it, I get it But no, you're right Flowers is default now It has to be done It's just understood

Michael Che had that great joke. He's like, I get you a gift and you blow me on Valentine's. He's like, you should be blowing me on Tuesday. Why is this a gift now? This is part of the deal. We're dating.

Damn. Great bit. Michael Che. That's old, too. That's like a 10-year-old joke. He's got a few where you're just like, ah, fuck you. I know, I know. I just signed an old picture of the three of us of the cellar one night. It's a classic, man. Damn, where did these fucking days go? I had that picture framed. I know that we were at the VU. Yeah. Damn. Man, Che. Speaking of one more drink, I don't want to out the guy, but

Nobody could booze like Jay back in the day. Like those Caroline's nights where you got an open bar. Oh my God. He would get smushed. I thought we could drink and then we'd be like, oh yeah, he's a fucking heavyweight. That guy. Heavyweight. And you never really saw him puking or stumbling. Like, you know, I've seen you walk down Broadway. I got to tackle you before the horse and buggy hits you.

And same with me I'm wet in the bed Remember that time You cured me After that Christmas party I think I like Fucking threw you Over a shoulder And threw you in a cab I was like I'm not letting This fucking guy go anywhere I woke up in your apartment I'd never been there You had a female roommate I didn't know What was going on You made me a kale smoothie I'll never forget it I was just trying To bring you back to life man Put some good nutrients In the bod Yeah that was a

Tough morning I couldn't walk I was like FDR I couldn't get out of bed You gave me You gave me the smoothie We went and got pizza We watched Eastbound and Down I gave you some beans So you could Make it look like you'd walk And uh Eastbound and Down dude Is there a better Hangover show? No that I was not into it I'd never heard of it You showed it to me

That Danny McBride? McBride? He's the best. So good. I mean, he's kind of a Bill Murray where he's doing the same guy every movie and you're fine with it. Yes. Yeah. He's so fucking funny. It's like he's a dude that you're like, I don't care if it's not a good movie. I'll still watch it if he's in it. Totally. Totally. And he's got the cool backstory. I think he made that movie...

Fist way Foot fist way Yeah it's insane It's completely insane Yeah He's just the same guy He's just uh Kenny Powers But he's like a shitty Taekwondo instructor Exactly Exactly But like Adam McKay saw it And Will Ferrell loved it And then they scooped him up And I love shit like that Like swingers You know Favreau and Vince Vaughn They're just skinny punks Trying to make it You know Dude I got a Favreau story I Swingers first off Like

I had the poster on my wall as a kid. Love it. Get me started. Like, I mean, I know they're not supposed to be cool, but I was a little kid. I thought they were cool, man. I know they're making fun of themselves. And like Vince Vaughn was like a hot dude. You're like, he's like so cool. And,

Basically, I'm doing a show. It's a good Michael Che story. We're opening for Kevin Nealon at Caroline's many years ago. I just told this story in Doug Loves Movies, but it's short anyway. That's a fun weekend. Oh, dude. Che was the most fun guy to do those weekends with because he would drink and he's low-key. He's like, he just kind of...

He's like just kind of pops in and we'll be like downing drinks with you all night. It's great. But we both are kind of killing all weekend until Sunday. It's a light crowd. They're kind of stiff. We're not doing that hot.

And he's like, whatever. I'm like, fuck, that's Jon Favreau in the crowd. I love swingers. This sucks. And then he comes back to the green room to chill with Kevin Nealon. Great guy. Yeah. He's like such Kevin Nealon is like super nice. Like I remember he's like watching my set, giving me tags. Great guy. I had a bit. I was just like trying out what I was saying. Like, how was it? I remember this joke and he gave me, this is like Kevin Nealon's mind is how funny I think he is. But I'm doing a bit.

uh well i'm like as a young kid like how like when you're a kid you're walking around the street with a joint in your mouth like the police and now i'm like at that age where i'm like where the of the police you know whatever anything happens and then uh his time his tag was something like uh you hear you hear uh machine guns and you're like oh it's just part of the song you know the man like that's like he'd give tags i'm like oh these are like he's got a weird clever mind but anyway we're in the green room and

Che is like, "Let's take a picture, all of us." And I could tell Favreau was like, "Fuck these guys. I don't want to take a picture. I'm just catching up with my friend. I just watched these idiots bomb probably." And he's like, "Okay." And Che grabs them all in and I'm just laughing. I'm like, "This is awful. It's not how I want to meet Jon Favreau." Sure. And take the picture.

And then I'm like, well, that was fucking weird. Anyway, five days later, SD at the comedy cellar is like, can you do an A15 tonight? Someone, probably Norton or Colin Quinn dropped out. I go by. Who's in the front row? Fucking Jon Favreau. What?

I just watched him hate me again. I watched him dislike my set twice in one week. Oh, man. Well, the joke's on him because you got into the Joker. He has nothing to do with the Joker. I know, but I could see him going, this guy's going nowhere. He's a hack. He's doing the same act. I saw him twice in one night. I hate him. He's going nowhere. Then boom, you're in a fucking Todd Phillips movie. And he makes The Mandalorian. So...

And Iron Man. I know, I know. He's a fucking beast. He was famous then, but now he's like, tastemaker famous. He's directing movies, he's doing all kinds of shit. And his episode of The Sopranos is like, the funniest. Oh yeah, wow, I forgot about that. It's one of the funniest episodes. Also, you know he's made it when he did that movie Chef, which was not great. I think it's overrated, but...

His wife in the movie is Kat. Now, what's her name? What's the chick from Modern Family? The Colombian? The hot one? Sofia Vergara. His wife is Sofia Vergara and his ex is Scarlett Johansson. I'm like, what? This guy, this is so unrealistic. This fat loser chef has got the two hottest women in Hollywood as his ex-wife and current wife. I'm like, all right, you're too big now.

Fat dudes had a run where their ego Like the whole Kevin James thing Where you're like alright dude It is weird when it became a thing Where the fat dude just always had the hottest wife So I mean dad bod was like a huge phenomenon Women were like I like a dad bod What can I say? All these fat guys were just cashing in That ain't a dad bod That's a fucking uncle bod That's not Come on

I hate dad bod. That's so fucking dumb. When they were like, Jason Momoa's dad bod. I'm like, fuck all of you. He's ripped. He's ripped. That's his whole thing. Yeah, come on. You know what else I hate? And I get it, but I'm a cunt.

When they go, nice dad joke. I'm like, look, I get what you're saying, but you know who's a dad? Louis C.K., Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr. Like, these are fathers. It's a bit of a leap to just say it's a dad joke. I get it, but...

I don't know, there's a lot of funny dads out there Who the hell's saying that? I get that all the time, I mean, I like to tweet dumb puns And dumb little jokes Twitter's like your garbage can You're just like, these are like jokes I wouldn't tell Sometimes it's a premise you tell on stage, but you know Right, of course You're right, it's condescending Yeah, then there's this dad rock I guess there's mom jeans Yeah, jeans are not as bad as joke That's true I don't think so

Huh, interesting But yeah, Favreau, wow That's fun that you died in front of one of the Hollywood elites Oh man, brutal It's like one of the things I forgot about And they were talking about him on Doug Loves Movies It's like, you know when you just have those and you're like, fuck, flashback, early comedy Yeah, oh yeah Speaking of those crazy Caroline's booze nights

The Carolines was so cool because we were young comics and we were doing shit bar rooms and whatever club we can get our hands on. But if a big headliner came to Carolines, they would trust us to bring the heat and have jokes. So you got to do like a 350 seater in the middle of Midtown. Sold out. It was the highlight of your life for the whole weekend and make like 500 bucks in the city.

Yeah. So you got the cream of the crop, best gig ever, Jim Jefferies weekend. We all shit blood. We're like, holy hell. I said, I know the opener. Ten years ago? What? Was it ten years ago? Probably ten years ago, yeah. And-

I was like, I know Sam well. He's a booze bag. I want to get sloppy. I'm a huge fan of Jim Jeffries. I'm hanging out there all weekend. We went out. I mean, Che was there. Green Bomb was getting trashed by Jeffries the whole weekend. Called him a homo and everything.

That was so fun Che was on that show too Yeah, that was crazy Also me and Che I guess they paired me with Che a lot But it was always fun Oh, dude I remember going out to the Molly Wee No, not the Molly Wee What's that red bar right across the street? Not the Playwright

Yeah, playwright, playwright. And I would be drinking like a whiskey and soda, and he would just do the thing where he tipped it, like, keep going, bitch, you know, drink more. And you're like, I'm going to die. But that's who he was. I remember one night we must have had, like, he went so hard. Well, first off, I invited him to my family's Thanksgiving that year. What?

Yeah, because he was like, I was like, I bet he's got nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. And I was like, maybe we should come. And he was too hungover. He couldn't make it. Yeah. But I was also like, that's probably for the best. Yeah. Hey, you cut the turkey dry. I got an anecdote for you people. So I'm fucking a tie hooker in the ass, right? And my mom's like, oh, dear. Yeah, no, it was probably for the best. But yeah.

I mean, my parents have seen Jim's act and they think he's hilarious, you know? So, I mean, he is, he, he does kind of transcend, you know, and cause he's so smart. I mean, his gun, his gun bits, the best bit of the last 20 years, man. It's unbelievable bit. Yeah. He's, he's crass, but it's still smart and it's fun and anybody can get on board and he's quick too. If he gets heckled, he's a fucking killer.

Yeah, he's a killer. I mean, I remember that weekend. I still remember lines from it where he said to someone in the crowd, you're going to wake up tomorrow morning and you're going to think I was a bit of a cunt. And that's the only time you're right. Yeah, he was fun. Every comic had that crazy wild. That was back. I hate to reminisce like a douche, but that was like there was no political bullshit. There was no like.

everybody trying to cancel or anything it was just like jokes funny boozy weekends we were also so much younger i mean it was all just about like i think we didn't even i think twitter was less of a thing at the time twitter twitter was more a place to like be like let me try like a fucked up joke on twitter and it wasn't like now it's like people just pander and that's what they get their likes like look at what happened you're like oh my and some look there's a an

It is good sometimes But it's not good for comedy No It's good for news sometimes Because it can spread news But it's not good for a joke No, no And it just keeps getting meaner and meaner And people are looking for ways to be like That joke sucked You're like I know, that's why I put it on here You douche Get out of here But Yeah, it's Those were fun times And

I'm glad we lived it up, too. Who did you open for there that was like a hot weekend? Do you remember? Oh, geez. J.B. Smoove was unbelievable. Was he a fun hang? Not too much of a hang because he was getting so famous that he was in and out. But he's got full leather suits on. He's got these crazy glasses. At one point, he was killing, and I left to go get a beer. I came back, and he was climbing the diamonds on the wall.

I was like, this is a hell of a show. Also fun about him, it was right when Curb was Curb. Curb was new and hot, and he was on Curb. And you look out in the crowd, I'm opening, it's all Jews. It's like yarmulkes as far as the eye can see. And even when I bring him up, they go... Wow. The place goes nuts. He comes out. Within six minutes, half the room was empty because he was so filthy. Yeah.

Wow, that's hilarious. So they wanted Leon, but they got JB. Yeah, and Leon's dirty, but JB is like filth, dumpster fire, gross, cum in my eye, your asshole's bleeding, whatever it is. And you can see the Leibowitzes and the bombs like, all right, we got to get that LIRR back. Yeah.

It may as well have been a bar mitzvah. Yeah, it really... He really... He is a dirty guy, but he's so funny. I mean, like... So funny. Yeah, I remember I saw him one morning. He's got such a nice energy about him. We used to have the same manager, and he... So he was always friendly and stuff. But then I remember...

Doing morning radio in Baltimore one morning and just being like a mess. And he comes out and just goes like, hey, and I was like, oh, shit. Like that energy is just so it's so nice. He just he has like a real showbiz energy, but like a positive, you know? Totally, totally. Yeah, he's a good egg. And he was like one of us, just a struggling guy kind of doing gigs here and there. And then he got curb and it all changed.

Yeah, it's crazy, because he's in a lot of movies, too, but I guess, yeah, Curb was huge for him. Oh, yeah, recurring, good money, HBO, finally got some exposure, because I think he was on, like, there's always that urban circuit where, like, I did BET's this and Comic View that, but it's not really enough to propel you into theaters or anything. Yeah.

Yeah, it's always you need so much to be like because we just want to be comics. We just want to be stand up. We got to do so many fucking things now. I know. And you just don't think about it. Yeah, it's the worst. But, you know, shit. I mean, it gave us an excuse to do this. This is kind of fun. You know, this is great. But like how many Chad Daniels are out there or Anthony DeVito's or guys where you're like, man, you should be huge or you should be at least selling out.

Yeah. No, you're right. And if you don't know who those guys are, Chad Daniels, Anthony DeVito, look them up. YouTube them. Buy their albums. Spotify their shit. Yeah, Killers. File Canaan. Buy tickets from them on the road. Canaan is a fucking beast. Yeah.

It's Comedy Central with him, though. How many specials did he give to Comedy Central? Three? They buried him, man. It's weird. I'm negotiating with him. I'm like, can it just please be seen somewhere? Yeah.

I know, I know. Then you're like, maybe I'll put it on my YouTube. And they're like, kill yourself. We'll sue you. You're like, all right. I thought you might want to get some eyeballs on this, but whatever. Well, it's a model. It's like we're going against... I mean, I remember when I was negotiating, because we did similar things where Amy Schumer produced both of ours and...

I remember negotiating to get it online and they were like, "It'll be on Amazon." I was like, "Beautiful, Amazon. Everyone has Amazon. I can at least direct people there." And then it wasn't on Amazon. I guess their deal with Amazon fell through. And then I was like, "Well, it's got to be on the... It'll be on the website." And they're like, "Yeah, it'll be on the website. There's an ad every three minutes."

Come on Who the fuck And these are like These are like I don't know where these commercials come from These are like three minute breaks Every three I'm like It's kill it It kills It kills any momentum And it's like Yeah Mine was on the app Whatever that means So they're like You gotta sign up for this app

And I'm directing, I'm trying to like help fans out, you know, via DM. Like, all right, you got to go here, put your name in. They're going to send you a code to your phone. Then you put the code in. And I'm like, I don't even want to do this. It's my special. I'm like with my parents. They're like, turn it on. I'm like, I can't figure it out. We just said, fuck it. We went to fucking Ruby Tuesday. We couldn't handle it. It was too much.

That's a no, it's brutal, man. It really it's a bummer because we were like we got the money, but we were like sacrificial lambs for this experiment with their app and it didn't work. So, yeah, you know.

It is what it is. It's bittersweet, you know, because you got these, like a guy like Chris Stefano, fucking hilarious, great guy. He did an hour with them. Who knows if anybody saw it? I hope they did. But now he's just running around making his own shit and cleaning up. Yeah. And look, I also love so many of the people at Comedy Central. That's the other thing. It's like they were handcuffed by a shitty corporation in Viacom. I mean, that's really what it was. Roy Wood.

Brilliant. I mean, brilliant. But when, when your model is at a date, like imagine telling people like, Hey, watch my thing at 11 PM now, like everyone would be like, go fuck yourself. Exactly. It's like, we knew that was at a, at a, at a place in time years ago. We knew that. But I mean, it's funny, like, I'm sure you get this when you go on stage. I did a show and they were like, you know, no one there knew me or whatever it was, you know? And they were like, he's got a, uh, he's got a new YouTube special and it got a laugh and

Oh, no! Well, it's because some of the public, if they're not comedy savvy, they don't know that that's a thing that people do. Of course, of course. And it's like, no, we're doing this for longevity and for eyeballs and for the long game. We could maybe sell it somewhere, but no one will ever... You want to sell it to Epix? Go ahead. Right, right. Exactly. Might as well sell it to Hallmark or Starz or Oxygen or...

My new special is actually on the Oprah Network. Well, I think you're right. I think YouTube is the future. I think YouTube is where podcasts were 10 years ago. Imagine 10 years ago you went on stage and said, hey, this next guy's got a podcast. You'd be like, who gives a fuck? What does that mean? Has he been on The Tonight Show? But YouTube was a punchline is what I'm saying. People used to say, you could see his next special on YouTube. And I'm like, that's the fucking way, dude.

Totally. I mean, tell that to some unboxing kid from Asia who makes $10 million a week opening packages with his mom in his pajamas. That kid's fucking bigger than Bezos. He's getting his dick sucked by other 10-year-olds. He's like, I'm fucking, I'm a rock star. Yeah, yeah. He unflaps that back pajama thing. He's getting his ass eaten by some kid, you know? Yeah, those kids have got it made. All those YouTube stars are killing it. What, uh...

So tell me, was Phoenix... Do you... Give me Phoenix stories. I know you've had some Phoenix stories. Oh, dude, man. I mean, I've had some wild nights in Phoenix. That's a fucking... That's a crazy road gig. Oh, man. Scottsdale. We got to talk about Scottsdale, which is like a Phoenix suburb, basically. Yes. It's all dentist wives, and they drive in golf carts, and everybody's got fake white teeth, and, you know, hair pieces and polo shirts. Everybody plays golf. And...

I mean, this is, I don't know, seven years ago. I ran through like a series of MILFs in Scottsdale. It was unbelievable. I was like a pool boy for a weekend. And it was all one week? It was the same? What were you doing? The apps? Or was it after the show? No, I think it was pre-apps. It was after the show. And there's so many beautiful women in that area that I think they're not as entitled. So they're like, hey, this mediocre comedian is talking to me. That's pretty good.

Yeah, my husband won't talk to me. That club, Stand Up Scottsdale, for those of you listening, I mean, first off, the club was on Bar Rescue twice. And it was not rescued. It was still fucked. It was not rescued. It was a hilarious episode. I mean, so...

Yeah, it's got problems. I remember I watched the reunion episode where they bring it back to see how it's doing. And our man Howard Hughes, who ran it, first off, great guy, but there were some issues. First off, he would go up and do like 30 minutes and you're just like, fuck, all right, come on, Howard. I know your heart's in the right place, but he'd be like, you guys aren't drinking enough. And I'd be like, oh, I got to follow this. All right. Yeah.

He's like, there's a two-drink minimum. And I'd be like, just have the manager tell you. You don't say that on stage. Right, right. He was an eccentric, to say the least. He had big Coke rim glasses, and he was on Coke. And he would do a shady, kind of slimy club owner thing where there was like six open micers, seven open micers sitting in the back of the club. And he would go, you and you. And they'd be like, yes. And they each did five minutes for free.

These poor kids thought they were getting a good slot or a good deal or a paid gig and they got five minutes for free. That's hilarious. I remember on the Bar Rescue Redemption episode, John Taffer was like, this man was a Marine? He goes, I don't want to humiliate him. I respect what he did for our country. And there's a whole crowd.

And Howard gets in his face and it's like about to get ugly. And you see one of the managers in the crowd. She stands up and goes, Howard, no. And that's they kept reusing that one line. What was she saying that for? Like, don't start shit with John Taffer. Like, don't fight him. Howard, no. That's great. It was terrible. But anyway, I got a Howard Hughes story.

I did that club. I did that. So first off, this is, so I did the club the first time. This is when it was in the bar rescue place. So I guess it was like a really cool looking place. Yeah. Right. Remember that, that room was beautiful. I thought it was a big space.

Anyway I go back And this is the time I go back No one tells me that it's changed venues So I just land, he picks me up And he's like, alright man So here's the, I was like, oh it's a new hotel He's like, yeah that's the club too So it's like, oh, okay it's a new club Looks like a Mexican restaurant He's like, yeah that's what it is It's in the back of a Mexican restaurant I was like, alright, whatever I mean, I'm here I guess So everything about it's a mess Like

He had this amazing girlfriend. She was so cool. She was like what you were saying. She's a hot yogi and so nice. I remember he would just be like, I'd be like, all right, dude, someone's acting out in there. Can you just help out? He was just like, my girlfriend's really mad at me. I blacked out last night. I got to get out of here. You're running the club. Come on. Wow. Jump ship. Anyway, I'm doing the show and

It's like Howard on stage, whatever. I go up. I'm doing well. I'm like, all right, I'm doing pretty well. It's good. Some guy knocks his drink over and I'm like, I guess I'm killing pretty hard. And I'm just like, I'm like, I am right. I see it like this woman's like he's having a stroke. And I'm just like, oh, my God. So I have to be like, all right, stop the show.

I have to get off stage and we have to call an ambulance. I'm like, Howard, call an ambulance from the stage. He calls an ambulance. Then he comes in and obviously I'm like, the show's over. I'm not, the guy has a stroke. So he's like being a good sport about it. He's an older guy. And Howard comes in and starts, he starts doing shtick. Howard gets on stage and he's like, so he's like, don't worry. I've had a stroke. So Howard's had a stroke too, we find out. By the way, it's yeah, it's from Coke and Red Bull.

It wasn't a coke where you're like, poor guy. I was like, no, you brought it on yourself. But he's riffing, and the guy's not answering, and I'm just like, let him fucking have a stroke. Yeah, don't do your tight stroke chunk on this guy. What is a stroke exactly? Do you shake? Do you seizure? What does that look like?

It looked like a bit, I think it's a lot of like, I think it has to do with like blood clots or something. Let me, but, uh, yeah, no, I, it looked like he was shaking. It wasn't a seizure. Uh,

I think you can lose feeling on the side of your face or stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, look, we've seen it with people we know where they lose feeling in their arm. Right. Yeah, it's fucking bad. Yeah, when the blood supply to part of your brain is interrupted or reduced, preventing brain tissue from getting oxygen and nutrients. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess I could slur speech and hurt speech. How far into the set were you?

I was like 20. So anyway, he keeps going. And finally the guy gets taken out in a stretcher and like, it's such a fucking good dude. He gives us like a thumbs up and we're like, whatever. So I'm like, all right. And it seemed like he was going to be okay. It seemed like he was speaking okay and everything. But then Howard gets off and he's like, are you going to go back up? And I'm just like, I mean, I guess he's, I guess I should. People, it's fairly full. I should probably go back on. So I gave it like 10 minutes, just like out of like,

You know, let's give this a minute. And then I went back on and just shat on Howard for like 20 minutes straight. And it was killing. I was like, this dumb motherfucker had a stroke. Here's how the crowd's like applauding. And he, to his credit, was laughing his ass off in the corner. So I'm like, I mean, he's a nut, but it's like, God, we meet a lot of nuts in this business. Like he is a well-meaning one. I'll give him that.

That's all we care about. As long as you're not malicious, we don't mind a psycho or a weirdo. As long as you're a nice psycho, we don't give a shit. He could take a joke. I think you made the right call there because what else could you do?

Well, you got to stop the show, too, but then you got to be like, all right, I mean, people bought tickets. Let's give them a show. But you got to give that guy a moment for fuck's sake. But this is the only art form where somebody has a stroke or a heart attack or something horrible happens in the crowd and you're going, how can I make this funny? What's a good line here? I need a singer here. You know, that happens in Hamilton. They go, hey, oh, stop the show. You know, they take the wigs off for a second.

Do they? I don't know. I wouldn't know. Yeah. Yeah. And Les Mis is like Jean Valjean. Like, first I stole bread. Now I have to watch this shit. Everyone's applauding. I don't know. Yeah, man. I don't know what you do. It's so... That's happened twice. It happened at the comic strip once. And a guy collapsed. Or no, it was a woman collapsed. And they had to call an ambulance. And Chuck Nice was on stage. Yeah, I mean, shit happens. You got to...

I mean, when you do enough shows, you're going to see some shit. I mean, that's never happened to you? Nothing like that. I've never seen... I've seen fights break out. I've seen, you know... Yeah, I've seen, like, punches thrown, but never a stroke or, like, an ambulance thing. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking weird. That one was like, yeah, I mean, just life, man. Anyway, give me a pet peeve, man. All right. Mine's weird.

I get really specific with my pet peeves because, I don't know, I get weirded out by odd shit. But I had this one.

I'm in Phoenix. I'm at a bar with the opener. And great guy, Zoltan. Check him out. Oh, yeah, he's funny. He's really funny. You know him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a San Diego guy, right? San Diego. Super cool. Super funny. I requested him. I feel horrible saying this, but they sent me two openers. They're like, here, watch these videos. I was like, all right. And they were pretty rough. And I was like, how about this guy? They're like, okay, fine.

So I got him in. They're never... It's like, guess what? We're going to bring a good comic. I hate when they give us shit for... And I'm like, hey, we're doing this for the good of the show. I don't want to follow... I want to follow a good comedian. Yes. The crowd will like it. The show will do better. Why are you sending me this fucking puppeteer guy, you know? So...

I just got him in there. And he hadn't done a show indoors in like eight months, so he was all wacky. But he pulled it together. He's got some killer new stuff. That guy writes. He's funny. He's a very respected guy in the San Diego scene as well. Like, they all are like, he's the dude, you know? Oh, yeah. By the way, he's got a special on YouTube. It has like two million views, which is pretty great for a guy with like, you know, not a lot of TV stuff.

It's the new way, man. And yeah, I think it's called Modern Guy or something, or Modern Man. Modern Male? Modern Male, yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. Shit, I should know that. But yeah. I remember thinking, I was like, is that like a little nod to the Iggy Pop? I'm just a modern guy. Maybe. Maybe. He's a funky guy. Who knows? Yeah. All right, so we go to this bar, and the bar had free pizza. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, shit, look at this. Free Pete, you know me. If I see something free, I'm all over it. And I jump on it, and I'm like, wow, what's this about? This is so crazy. And one guy standing at the bar goes...

Why are you complaining? Just enjoy it. I'm like, well, I'm not complaining. I'm just saying, what's the deal? This is pretty great. This is like eight boxes of pizza with loaded pepperoni and sausage and veggies. I'm like, this is awesome. Is this like a deal they do every Friday? And he's like, stop questioning it. Just enjoy it. I'm like, I'm not.

not bitching i'm curious and i i fucking lost it on this guy i'm like look why can't i question maybe we can figure out how we can get more if i ask how we got it you know so that that was my pet peeve i hate that shit stop questioning no one's questioning it i'm i'm curious yeah i mean curiosity not allowed and

And that's how you get more. That's how, you know, it's like if you, if you put your tongue on this part of the labia and your girlfriend goes crazy, you're like, Hey, what was that? So I can do it again. And she's not going to be like, Oh, just enjoy the orgasm. No, I want to figure it out so I can get it again. Second off, it was you that enjoyed the orgasm. I'm trying to fucking help you. Yeah. That's, that's crazy. The, the just, just don't question it. What is this religion? What do I have to fucking, we can't just have some pizza. I want to know why we're having the pizza. I,

I know, I know, exactly. So he's like, why are you complaining? I'm like, I'm not complaining. You don't know what complaining is.

Yeah, that's fucking annoying I do love the free pizza at a bar though I remember like Crocodile and Alligator Lounge here in New York used to pull that And it wasn't even that great pizza But when you have a couple beers How the fuck can you tell the difference, honestly? That was a big date spot for a poor comedian That's dinner and drinks in one shot And for comics, and we do shows there I mean, it was fantastic Oh, that was a great one Yeah, you get a free pizza with every drink It was like a personal pan pizza When you're broke, that's heaven

It was crazy. And it was like pretty shitty, but it was pretty good when you had a couple drinks. Ah, dude, isn't it crazy when we were in our 20s what we consumed? I mean, I'm surprised I wasn't just miscarriaging every morning. Like, I would get drunk all night, eat a halal, and then go to bed.

Yeah, I mean, shit. I think about what gives me diarrhea now, and I'm just like, what did I have? Something from the dig-in? I got a healthy bowl or something, and I'm just like, oh, shit. Although I am drinking still, and I have a lot of coffee. Let's face it, we're not super healthy, Mark. No, you're right, you're right. But back then, it was like, yeah, I'll take a Percocet, give me that bottle of whiskey, and hand me that lamb shank, and it was all gravy. Yeah.

Or diner. We go to a diner all night, get a meatloaf, you know? I miss those. The diner nights are the ones I miss the most, man. When it'd be like a tell, it'd be like, we're going to the whatever diner in Chelsea or wherever, 4 a.m., drunk, mozzarella sticks, just the best, man. Nothing better. Diners are what's hurting me as much as anything right now because there's something about the hang and the peace of a diner.

Yes, yes, you feel like you own the place You know, you're in there You look around, it's other degenerates just like you You're not really judged You can eat fries, apple pie, milkshake Or eggs It's everything, and you got your guys with you It's a great hang, I love it, it's always open You get a nice Greek waiter being like What do you like? And you're like, yeah, I fucking like that energy I like that energy Love it, you can get a bowl of Lucky Charms Or the Swordfish, whatever you want

No one's getting the swordfish. No one's getting the swordfish. But dude, a coffee and like eggs. It's fucking heaven. Late at night. Yeah, that's a I'm with you on that pet peeve. I got one. It's that hit me.

A lot of people are doing this now. And obviously, suicide rates are much higher. Depression is much higher. It's a tough time. A lot of people are writing online, you're not alone. And I'm like, guess what? A lot of people are alone right now. That's not helpful. A lot of people are physically, I'm alone in my apartment right now. So when people are like, you're not alone, I'm like, I'm looking around and I'm alone physically. Yes.

Not only that, if I'm not alone, that's actually cause for concern. If someone comes out of my closet, I'm like, that's not fucking helping my mood right now. You know? Right, right. That's true. Yeah. You're not alone. It's like, no, we are. Online doesn't count as hanging out. See, I think a lot of people confuse Twitter with like, I'm in a conversation. I'm hanging. We got a group going. No, that's not a group.

This is increasing our feelings of isolation, social media. Like it is linked to every sort of depression. It's like, yeah, here's how you know, they say never drink alone. If you're drinking on Facebook with 5,000 friends, it's still alone. That still counts as drinking by yourself.

Yeah, they're not. It's weird that we've increased our amount of friends on these like social media platforms, but we have like lesser true friendships. Yes. Very true. Very true. Like true friendships are like just being around a person. Like that's why I think like, I think our friendship precedes this social media boom. So maybe that's why we feel like we could still do this and we're kind of in the same room. Yeah. But.

When you think about it, how many friendships are like just DMing, how are you, buddy? It's shit like that. You're checking in your friends, but like we hung a lot. Yeah, exactly. The DM shit, it's nice, but it's empty calories. It's not an actual relationship, really. You know, it's a bunch of acquaintances, which is cool, but yeah, it's...

You know what it is? We push away from discomfort, you know, because actually going to meet the guy at the diner and then maybe running out of things to say, having an awkward pause or his mom died. You got to hear about that for 20 minutes. You know, like there's always there's always a little bit of discomfort. And with the DM, it's like, hey, we're still friends. I don't have to do anything.

I'm checking two boxes. The discomfort is different. It's not like a discomfort where there's an awkward silence. It's a discomfort where it's like, did they see that and not respond? Oh yeah, exactly. It's a different thing. The discomfort in real life where you're like, we ever just see a movie and, and like,

People are talking like they're like, this is my brother and we're best friends. And we just kind of and they're just like, that's not how you talk to your brother in real life. It's like when you talk to your brother, there's like awkward like I love my brother. I'm close to my brother. But like there are like awkward silences. It's with family, I think always for the most part, you know. Sure. That's part of part of being around each other, you know, and and back to your friends thing.

The Facebook, we have more friends, but they're not actual friends. And I would say everything is like that. There's more activism, but it's not actual activism. It's just tweeting or it's outrage, but it's not actual outrage. They just want to be perceived as someone outraged. So it's all pretty phony, I think. I'm just a digital girl in a digital world, man. Exactly. That's what it is. You're right. It's all bullshit because...

You know, but then also then you see the people that are going to some of these things and you're like, well, you don't want to be one of the people that went to the Capitol. That's true. That's true. Yeah. So, I mean, right. I mean, it's it's weird. Like sometimes going to things in person ain't always better. No, of course. Of course. I mean, yeah.

Some people showed up to their job at the World Trade Center on 9-11. But that's a bad example. But hold on. Let me think of something. What was it? Oh, what about that fire in Chicago? The white concert? The white snake? I don't know. Oh, what was that? Call in if you know. God damn it. There was a big concert and everybody went and the doors got locked and the place caught on fire and they all died.

Damn. Yeah, something in the 80s. I hope it wasn't White Snake. I know, that'd be a horror way to go out. Who was it? White Reaper? I don't know, some band, some 80s band, and everybody died. It was like a big tragedy. Damn. Yeah, it's always weird when you read about those things, like the Jonathan Landis thing, remember the helicopter? Yeah.

No. On his movie, I believe it was Jonathan Landis, where people died in his helicopter crash. Let me double check that real quick. What? Yeah. Landis helicopter. Yeah, the Twilight Zone accident. Ground fatality three. Uh-huh. So he did get people killed, I'm sure. I don't think it was his fault. Who knows? I mean, he's still working.

He was found not guilty. But it was on his movie. That's still got a way in your conscience. Yeah, totally. Yikes. Give that Google on the concert why you got pulled up, just because now it's killing me. Somebody's screaming in Detroit, yelling at the screen right now. I see the Who concert disaster. No, that was a big fire. Concert. Concert, fire, door locked, tragedy.

A fire claimed the lives of a hundred people during the Great White Show. Great White! That's it. Damn. Great White. There it is. I knew it was white something. White supremacy, white power. I knew it was one of those. Who's Great White? Who were they? It was just some heavy metal band, I think. I don't know. Maybe a couple supremacists went down with the ship, so maybe it ain't so bad after all. The door got locked and they couldn't get out and they all fucking went up in smoke.

Damn. I love those stories, though, about like Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be on the 9-11 plane, but he got hung over and didn't make it. Amazing. I heard him tell that story, and he said he had like a scotch as he watched it from the airport. Wow. I think from Logan. I mean, can you fucking imagine? That's a real eye-opener. From LAX, maybe. I don't know. But yeah, fuck. Logan. Logan. Yeah, he was like... I think if you see that, you're like, all right, I got to do something with my life. I got to... That cartoon I've been thinking about making, I got to make it.

He's on the phone with Fox. He goes, that dick joke will be approved. I just survived 9-11. They're like, all right, put it in. It's the ultimate bargaining chip.

Yeah, I mean, shit. That is one of those, like, that makes you kind of question everything. You're like, that's the ultimate what if. Yeah. Because here's the crazy part is we have those things in our life. We just don't know it. I know. One day you were going to go out to a bar. You said, fuck it, I got diarrhea. And you stayed home and you might have tripped on a curb or got mugged or whatever the hell. Hit by a car. You never know. And we're trashing diarrhea, but that diarrhea might save our fucking lives, dude. Damn.

There you go. Good point. That is crazy. That is crazy. Like, you hear that about flights a lot. Like, he was just... I think about that constantly when I'm on a flight. I'm like, is this the one?

Right. I know because our odds have to be going up because we fly more than most. So yeah, the flights are pretty high. It's us. But also then you got to look at car crashes, too. I think car crashes are like they're more common than than flights. But there's something about a flight that it's so out of your control and car crashes are out of our control, too. But you just for some reason, you're so high in the air that you're like, there's nothing I can do. I don't I always think when I'm like, if a car goes out of control, I can like

spin out of there. But I'm like, who am I? John Wick? I'm not fucking, I'm not spinning. Yeah. What are you? John Wick all of a sudden? Yeah, it is. I was thinking about that with some of those dudes that like one of the guys who died at the Capitol, they had that like photos of him with like four guns. He had like the two, uh,

Like AKs and like the guns into his waist And then he died from like a heart attack or something And it's like, yeah, you gotta do some cardio You can't just like Right John Wick wasn't a fat dude You know, he wasn't He was, he probably could run like two miles on a treadmill if he had to Right, right, yeah By the way, when are we gonna get our first fat superhero? That's a good point Not a superhero, but like an action guy

Ooh. I don't know. Does it negate the whole thing? It's all active, you know? So could they do it? Does that send a bad message, though, that kids with body issues could also save the world? Well, I mean, Lizzo, if Lizzo can do it, or Adele. Well, Adele lost all that weight, dude. I know, and they yelled at her. Isn't that funny? That's where we're at now. She loses weight. You can't win. You can't win. There's no winning.

Yeah, it's like all about body positivity until you don't look like me. Then it's negative. I take it back. She won. Nah. She's doing okay. She's got a lot of money in the bank. She lost some weight. Who gives a fuck? The point is, when someone gets that famous...

People are going to have their dumb opinions on the social media. When you're that big, a lot of those opinions are going to be dumb. The dumb ones are going to be inflated. And there you go. I mean, she's got a great life. She's doing fine. Yeah. Seinfeld, because I get bummed out about Twitter sometimes. And Seinfeld equates Twitter to stepping on an ant pile and the fucking ants just going crazy. He's like, you're going to try to keep up with all those ants. They all have a different path. They're all going a different way. That's Twitter. Yeah. Yeah, you can't keep up with it. That's a good point. I mean...

I'm going to try to look less and less at social media. I would like to. Yeah, yeah. I've been reading up about stoicism. I don't know where you stand on that, but one of them is get off social media, and the other one is watch less news. Not saying don't be informed, but just you don't need the crawl going every 10 seconds. Yeah, it cannot be good for your life. No, no. I mean, the stimulus alone is more than we're built to handle.

What do they say? Technology is growing faster than our intellect and our evolution. So we're getting all this stimulus, but our brain is still stuck in the 80s, basically.

We've seen some ugliness in the last year that's going to be hard to shake. And I think psychologically for a lot of people, it's hard to take in where you're just like, holy, this is a lot. This is a lot. What happens in a regular news week? Even if a lot of shit... I mean, look, a lot of shit happened in the 60s. We weren't alive for that, but there's a lot of shit happening. Imagine if there was Twitter in the 60s and they'd be like,

You know, this is Kennedy. Here's RFK. Here's MLK. And like Twitter's just going crazy. He's fucking dead. Then there'd be like the edgy 60s comedian. Like, here's my joke about JFK getting shot in the face. Yeah. I mean, it would be exhausting. You just be like, all right, we get it. You know, so. Dude, I mean, just think about the George Floyd footage. We saw that like from a foot away. Up close. You could see the sweat on his brow. But then you see anything in the 60s.

It's like they're shooting the black guys with the hose, the fire hose in L.A. and the dogs. And it was like grainy footage. You saw two seconds of it, and then it was moving on. So, like, yeah, we take way more. Look at porn. Porn is like, you know, jizz in my ass and gape me and fish hook my mouth. I mean, it's – and that's like 13-year-olds seeing that shit. And that's just what I watch. Okay.

Yeah, porn is getting too, I actually haven't watched it in a little while. I'm trying to stop watching it as much. It's just too, it's like I get to a point where I'm like, this ain't going to get better. Right, right. Let's reel it in where it's at. Yeah, porn isn't going back a peg. No pun intended. Not only that, but neither is my imagination. Like if I'm here and it goes, it's not going to get, I'm not going to be like, if that's what's making me cum now. Yeah.

It's not gonna get more PG Exactly, perfectly said So true, Bill Burr has this funny bit About how these kids now see these porn And they have the same Visual memory as a guy In the Vice Squad It's too much, it's too dark And this kid is too young To be absorbing that shit It's also hilarious I remember when I was a kid Women were kind of like

They kind of like didn't know how to blow you when you were a kid. Right. I kind of didn't know how to go down on them. And there was something kind of innocent and charming about that. And now kids are going to be like spit on my dick. They're like 13, you know? Yes, that's true. He's 13. He's like stick a finger in my ass. So like, all right. Right. Where do you go from there? Exactly. Exactly. It doesn't get better. My point is like work your way up.

Yes, here, here. I mean, we got a long life to live. We're only living longer, so... Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to be pegged at 11. Yeah. But...

I'll say this. Oh, shit, I had a point. Oh, oh, oh, I got it back. When is comedy going to evolve? Because, like, we're watching serial killer documentaries as entertainment. Like, get the popcorn ready. Ted Bundy's coming on, or Michael Jackson's pedophile thing is coming on. Like, high five. Here we go. Turn the lights out. It's like fucking Nick at Night now, you know, and...

But then comedy, if you say, you know, a joke about Puerto Ricans, people are still upset. So you're like, how have we gotten so able to withstand this serial killer footage? But still, the jokes are a problem. Oh, I'll tell you why. It's because people like to stand in their fucking high chair and feel better than. And that's what you're doing with true crime. You're like, all right, well, my life might be fucked up, but I never murdered anybody.

Okay. Good point. And they could also say for women, they're watching and they're like, well, I just want to know how to avoid this shit. You know what I mean? I'm sure some women are watching, you know, some of these forensic files and you're like, all right, probably shouldn't go camping with my current boyfriend. I don't know. So you look at that shit and you're like, all right, well this, I'm better than that. I, and also you kind of, there's some survivors, like there's survivors guilt when you survive.

And someone else doesn't. I think there's like some form of like, well, I survived and she did. I'm better than that person. I'm winning in some way. I put myself in better situations. And then you think about a joke and they're doing the same thing with the joke. They don't like where they're like, well, I didn't like that. And I'm better because I didn't make that fucking joke.

Also, it's already understood that Ted Bundy is an evil monster With us, you walk out on stage, people applaud We're getting paid We're saying horrible things People are laughing So then they're like, wait How come we're approving this But Ted Bundy, at least we already know he's a piece of shit That's a great point And on top of that, we're watching this person We're condemning them by watching them Yes Like he's a fucking monster He's a piece of shit So you watch them knowing he's a monster

And then you're almost searching for humanity in a weird way when you watch that. Where you're like, let me find something about this person. Because in a weird way, I think psychologically, it makes you make sense of the world a little bit when these monsters walk among us. And I think when you're watching entertainers slip up, they're almost held on, they're almost on this pedestal where they're like, okay, they get to go out and perform. They get to kill. Their lives are almost too good. So rather than looking for humanity, you're looking for a flaw.

Nice. Does that make sense? I think. I think you're right. I think you're right. Hopefully I'm coherent. You almost feel better watching it. There we go. Putting down the orange. Yeah, you feel better watching it. You're like, look, we got this guy. Fuck him. He's evil. But could there be something to be said for... I think we have it, as much as we bitch and moan about America and the world and all that, it's not perfect, but...

We're not dying of famine. Your mom used to have four kids. One would just die. That was kind of normal. One would freeze to death. The crops aren't growing. The Native Americans cut my head off. Johnny's got to go to war. He never came back. We don't have that now. We've got Uber Eats and OnlyFans. Things are a little better. So maybe we're seeking out some sadness in the world a little bit. We could crave it.

Colbert had a funny joke where he talked about that woman that went viral at the Capitol where she, uh, she was talking about how, uh, she's like, they maced me. This is the revolution. They maced me. And he's like, yeah, guess what? Uh, they used to cut your head off. He basically said like, you want to talk to any other failed revolutionaries? You can't. That was his whole joke. I was like, man, that's fucking funny. I thought I was like, damn, that's heavy. That's real. That's real. Uh,

Yeah, no, it's a good point that we all think I think it gives us significance and it adds some like it's adds a little extra something to our lives. But, you know, it's all bullshit, man. I think of Carlin. I think of Carlin constantly. I think of George Carlin. Like, I wish he was alive. I wish I could hear what he would say. But I also think of like, it's all bullshit and it's bad for you. That's what I think of all fucking day on loop.

Exactly. That's the news. That's social media. It's like, it's all bullshit and it's bad for you. Right. Yeah. Well said, Georgie. And I listened to one of his specials. I think it was back in town. Like, I don't know, a month ago. Just popped it on. It is so...

Yeah.

I do. There's something about Bill Hicks, too, that, like, I just... I know... I hate when comics shit on Bill Hicks, because it's like, dude, the guy was such a fucking genius. Like, I hate when people are like... First off, he has, like, five albums. He died at 32 or 33 or whatever. Wow. Is that right? I mean, yeah, it's insane, dude. I mean, the guy was...

And like, he'll be remembered. I, I, some people like him for the wrong reasons, like calling a woman a cunt during a, during a hacker. I'm like, that was him at a low point. Why? Yeah. Why is this what's going viral? I mean, I love when he, I love when he's just silly. Like he has that bit where he's like, my favorite thing to do here in Colorado is doing that young committee or he's doing that half hour special for HBO in Colorado. My favorite thing to do here in Colorado is watch a smokers pass out. Cause they don't know when they're done exhaling. And he just keeps going.

I mean, like physically gifted comedian, too. I mean, yes, his silliness was so great. I mean, he could get self-righteous at times, but I loved I loved them.

Yeah, his doc, that documentary on him was so good because he's like a Chappelle where he started at 14 or 15, whatever it was, some crazy age. And he was a phenom like he was good. He was making fun of his teachers. And imagine being a 15 year old making fun of your math teacher on a stage killing like I got a couple of zingers out in class every now and then. And I would get a big pop in the classroom. But imagine being on stage and making jokes about your class. That's amazing to me.

That's a great point. Yeah, he had it so young and he had it, I think, in a way where he was killing. I mean, to be killing for adults at 15. Yes. You got something, man. Because I think a lot of people are like, all right, but I feel like he had-

That's what I guess what I'm saying. Like, he doesn't get credit for that gear being able to be so silly. Like, he's not killing with fucking Ronald Reagan jokes at 15. He's killing with silliness. And I always remember that Rodney Dangerfield special, you know, for the Young Comedian special and Dangerfield intros and by going, this next comedian is so far ahead of his time, his parents haven't even met yet.

Man, even the intro is a great line. It's crazy. Yeah, Hicks has a special place in my asshole, too, because he's got that look in his eye, especially in the later years, where he's in bumfuck Ohio. Nobody gets it. He's too smart for the room. He's this brilliant guy, but they hate him. They want him to talk about his dick. And...

And he's losing it And I know that feeling so well Where you're like, hold on, I got this bit about my anxiety And people are like, shut up, talk about clits, you pussy You're like, ah, come on This is something here Hell yeah, dude, it's so funny Like, All Things Comedy, I don't know if you saw this They posted a story, if you haven't watched it, watch it It's on their Instagram And it's about Bill Hicks And he's talking about hell gigs He's doing an interview, and he's like, what's your worst gig ever? And he goes

I have a lot of bad ones, but I think this is my worst one. And it made me feel like such a pussy. Because we complain, but I mean, we've never dealt with this shit. Like, I got a pint glass smash over my head last year. That kind of sucked. It's pretty good. But...

This dude was chased with guns in gigs in Alabama. And he tells this story and it's like, these dudes were like, this is like deliverance, the gig, you know, the story is telling. I mean, it's so crazy. Just like these people with guns are like, we're going to kill them and they're chasing them. They can't get the car to work. And they're like, break the window for the car to open it. It's listen to the story. Cause it makes, I mean, like, look,

I understand gigs are getting easier and safer, and that's great. And we've had... I think we've had a pretty charmed run for the most part. Sure, sure. Every once in a while, you think back at a gig, and you're like, that was pretty weird. And then you hear that, and you're like, I ain't shit. Yeah, no, I mean... First of all, I mean, it obviously gets better every decade. Like, I read the Marx Brothers book, and, you know, these are Jews from Manhattan who would go out to the sticks of, like, Arkansas to do some shithole theater. And these guys are killers, but...

They'd murder in front of all these hillbillies, and then they'd get off stage. They'd be in the back green room, and they're like, hey, where's our paycheck? And the hillbilly guy would be like, get the hell out of here, you fucking heebs or whatever. And they'd be like, okay. Then they had to run to the train station and pray to God they caught that last train or they were stuck in this fucking shit town with a bunch of anti-Semites.

It's like in the heat of the night. It's like in the heat of the night. Like, just get me out of here. Oh, God damn. Oh my God. I know. Crazy to think about. How about the Larry Miller story with the, the school, the school assembly? Yeah.

What's that? Well, have you read I Killed? Yeah, yeah, I read it a long time ago I remember the Ron White story very well from there Hold on, I want to hear that one after But this is a quick one So Larry Miller, I don't know, 87, whatever And some giant elementary school or high school Hires him to do an assembly Like just do 20 minutes of the assembly Lift everybody's spirits And then we'll go on to the whatever And he's bombing and he goes Jesus Christ, like

What did you guys like? Did somebody die in a fire before I went on? And apparently the whole fundraiser was for a kid who died in a fire. And he was like the most beloved kid in the class or whatever the hell. So they chase him out of the gym. They're literally chasing him out of the gymnasium. He's running down the street. He has to jump in his car, like through the window, Starsky and Hutch style and they're chasing it with pitchforks and shit. He's like looking behind him, you know?

So yeah, that happened to me at Gotham once. I remember I opened a bit where I was like, man, you ever drink and do muscle relaxers at the same time? Like it was leading into a bit and I got stone cold silence. And I was like, all right, uh,

You know, and then I get off stage and I was like, what the hell happened? She goes, this is a this is a benefit for someone who died from drinking on pills. And I was like, man, I should have looked at the program. Wow. So specific. I know. I know. I fucking I got him back. But like the first seven or eight minutes, I was like, I'm really bombing.

I shouldn't have opened with all this drinking on meds material. I had a similar, but not, I mean, that is, you just like hit it on a bullseye. I did a joke about pedophilia and like how it must be so easy to rape a kid because they're kids and they're weak. And apparently it was about the whole benefit was a handicap kids. So it kind of fit. I love that you're like, I'm doing a benefit. Let me open with my child rape material.

Well, in my defense, it was a closer. I remember I did an atheist benefit once. What? And I did an atheist benefit. That's hilarious. Yeah. Paul Herzog, who used to run a club in New York in the 80s, I made friends with him. He watched me bomb for 15 minutes at the Friars Club and was like, I love your material. No one else here did, but I did. And we became buddies afterwards. He ran Stand Up U in the 80s in New York. He's like,

he's like susie essman was like the house mc wow joy behar yeah it was like an 80s club and he we became buddies his son was uh one of the managers at the stand he's a great kid as well ryan and uh okay anyway um maybe with that ron white oh like i'll tell you the ron white story yeah it was just a quick one but it was basically this critic just tore him apart again and again

And Ron White just sent him a note with a razor blade and wrote... All it said was, just in case you're ever in the mood. Oh, that's great. I love that. Boy, that's fucking... And you hear it in his fucking perfect cadence. I know. I was going to say that's cutting, but it's great that he can go from a tater salad to that. That's a comic. Oh, he's...

That album is one of the best albums of all time. Unreal. Drunk in public. He's a fucking beast. Yeah, he's that if you watch that, it's on YouTube. That's special. It looks like shit. It's grainy. It's horribly shot. He's sweating his ass off. But the comedy is so good that you don't even care. You're two minutes in. You're like, I don't give a shit that this looks like hell.

He's another dude that is just, I don't know how you can't find him funny. He's kind of like bulletproof. I remember he did a bit on that special was about the whole bit was how he cheated on his wife and the crowds applauding him. It's like, he's so likable. He opens by being like, my wife divorced me because she got this crazy little idea that I cheated on her in Columbus.

And I did not tell you why. It's like the fucking open with that bit. And this whole idea of this woman inviting him back to his hotel room. And he goes, and this little guy popped up on my shoulder. And you know, that guy is supposed to pop up and remind you of your past commitments and moral fortitude. Well,

Didn't hear a peep out of that fella. See, he's a dying thing with that charming motherfucker. Jim Jefferies had that back in the day where he'd kind of give you a wink and a smile. But Ron White is the ultimate charm guy. The southern accents, the cigar, the whiskey right here, the full head of white hair. Just so charming, so likable.

Yeah, for sure, man. It's so, so, so, so good. I feel like we were supposed to do recommendations, but I mean, I feel like we just gave how many comedy recommendations? I know, I know. Well, throw something out. Maybe we should slide out of comedy just for the layman. Well, what do you got? What are you recommending this week there? I was going to wreck a show, but it's a comedy show, so maybe I should switch it up. I don't know. I'm going to wreck a show too, but it's kind of comedy, but I'm already embarrassed about it.

First season, I watched the first season of Search Party on HBO Max, and I loved it. Really? I mean, fuck, dude. Shout out to John Early, who like- Oh, talent. Talent. Unbelievable.

I think we talked about him on here. Did we? No, we talked after the pod. We mentioned it. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I just started it. Yeah, dude, he's in this movie with Molly Shannon where she's dying of cancer. I love Molly Shannon. Yeah. She was in Hell back in the day. Oh, yeah. And she should have won an Oscar for this movie. She's so good in it. And he was like the comic relief in the movie. So I already knew him from shows back in the day. I always liked the guy, but he's a fucking, he's a star, that guy.

He is a star I said it to you before He officiated Schumer's wedding And was killing from the altar I couldn't get out of that fucking MSG show I was on To go to that wedding I'm forever angry I missed that wedding That was unbelievable It was in Malibu, it was on the beach It was right on a bluff Larry David is there, Apatow, Seth Meyers It was just so cool Damn dude, I would have loved to be in that jet with you too

Oh, it was great. You know, fun story about the jet. I don't know if I'm supposed to say this. So Schumer was such a mensch. She flew us all out there. She's like, look, I know you guys have gigs or you're canceling work or whatever, so I'll fly you out on a jet. That's a comic. You're flying me out to go get drunk in a Malibu for free with Larry David. You know, no problem. So...

Here's why Schumer's cool. She invited all of us, so it's like half the SNL cast, me, Marcus Price, Bridget Everett, Rachel, Keith, and then all of her high school friends from Long Island. Ooh.

So we're on a jet with all these comedians and then these fucking brassy broads who, you know, you know, like they keep money in their bra. They're smoking cigarettes, you know, and they're like these Long Island queefs, these koozes. And they were funnier than all the comics. I'm so pissed that I remember trying to get out of work and they're like, you can't.

Yeah I had that sports show Uh yeah I forever am upset I wasn't at that wedding I've said it before And I don't even normally Look up to weddings Like I'm not usually Looking forward to weddings But I knew that one Would be fun as hell Same And especially us On a fucking jet together Getting loaded Of course You put us all up In a hotel It was a great weekend But uh

Another fun story from that wedding. So I rented a car because I was like, I'm going to go to L.A. after this and make a whole week out of it, podcast, whatever. So I rented a car. So I drove to the wedding, and there was a long line of cars trying to get into the wedding, obviously. So you got to go up, wait your turn, finally get up to the guy with the clipboard. He does a, what's your name, da-da-da, you go in. Behind me, true story, in the car behind me is a Prius driving it, Larry David.

Oh, wow. So I got to watch Larry David with his daughter, his hot daughter, sitting in shotgun. And I watch him in the rearview mirror go up to the guy with the clipboard. And the guy's like, so who are you? And he's like, I'm Larry David. And the guy's like, I don't see it. I got to watch Curb, an episode...

In my rearview mirror He was like What? What are you talking about? He was like doing a lot of this I couldn't hear it But it was like I'm on the I'm Larry David What the hell? He's looking at his daughter And she's like Oh geez You know It was amazing Jeff Garland's behind him What the fuck? Yeah Richard Lewis Is like Jesus Christ Yeah I'm gonna start Drinking again Or whatever But yeah Just a Magical Magical wedding So upset I missed that Fuck We could've used you I woke up in somebody's apartment It was It was a crazy night Yeah

So, yeah, my record search party. Okay. I love, I mean, it's like, I love PI stuff. I could give you a million noir recommendations. I'm obsessed with old. Yeah, she's like kind of obsessed with this missing piece.

I wouldn't even say friend. And it's very New York, very silly. Okay. And yeah, for me, they're all great. But John Early, like I had me, I'm watching with Ryan Hamilton. We're both watching from our apartments and like texting while we watch. And we're both like, every time John Early speaks, we're like,

Texting about it because he kills us He's a killer Is that Maybe from Arrested Development? Fantastic Okay Yeah I'll check that out Another one of the If you don't like Arrested Development Come on

Those first three seasons are like fucking home run. I mean, come on. That's a huge leg up for me and the lady. When I met the lady first off, she was like, I love comedy. And I was like, oh, here we go. Whenever you meet a non-comic who loves comedy, they're like, oh, man, Eliza Schlesinger, I'll tell you. And, you know, whatever the hell movie. And you're like, ah, yeah, great, great. But she's like, I love Arrested Development. I love Dirty Rock. And I was like, oh, my God, this chick gets it.

So that was nice. 30 Rock. Shit. Still the best. So good. All right. I'll give you my rec and prepare to be embarrassed or I'm already embarrassed for myself, but I'm hooked. I've already watched the first two seasons in like two weeks. I'm on the third season.

It's a guilty pleasure. It's comfort food. It's snack. It's not good for you. I'm watching Cobra Kai, goddammit. Is it good? No, it's horrible, but I love it. It's cheesy. It's over the top, but it's tongue-in-cheek. They know they're being silly. They know they're being horrible.

Damn, everyone loves this show, Mark. Maybe I gotta watch it. Is it that... Is it feel-good or what? It's feel-good. It's got something for everybody. That's the beauty of it. It's almost like Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones is not my cup of jizz. I don't care about dragons or fantasy or any of that shit, but like...

Hey, there's a love story. Hey, there's a fight scene. Hey, there's a family drama, whatever. So this is like that, where it's like kind of a kid's show, kind of a comedy, kind of an action show. And you got the nostalgia factor. I always say Cobra Kai is like fucking an ex. You know, you're like, this isn't good, but it's familiar, so I'll do it. So I enjoy it. Like, if you want something bubbly and light, put that on.

Yeah, I've heard people love it. I see so many people, friends of mine being like, this show's the most fun show. I was never that big in a Karate Kid, to be honest. Same, same. I just knew, I was aware of it. And no one else.

I like the bad guys, but I hear this show makes you like William Zabka way more Completely, it's all from his point of view, and you're like, oh, I never thought of it that way And then it kind of touches on political stuff, where you're like, oh, it's a huge parallel with the Democrats and the Republicans And that's interesting Is he a Republican?

Oh, well, he's just like, trans isn't real. You're a pussy. What the hell is vegan? So it lets you see shit from that side, and it's kind of well done. That's how you got to write shows. This is the new show I'll pitch. It's Romeo and Juliet, but they're the kids of Proud Boys and Antifa, and that's the whole. And they commit suicide on Instagram Live. That's the whole show. That's great. And their followers are like, don't do it. He's just sleeping. But that's how we do it.

And Tim Bolt, he's like a huge TikTok guy. I had a similar idea, Romeo and Juliet, but it's Greta Thunberg and Barron Trump. And they secretly are in love, but they got to represent their demo and all that. Yes. It does have to have... See, I should give it a shot. I was in a cab going to one of those shows, and

They did like a peacock ad for Saved by the Bell. And it looks like it's very similar to Cobra Kai where it's like very self-aware of how ridiculous it is where they were like, the clip they showed was like,

But we like, we need to have a dance off. And Mario Lopez is like, well, I know how to dance. And they're just like, sure, coach. Sure. You know how to dance. He does that cheesy dance shit from like the eighties or nineties or whatever. And everyone like, and they all look at him like you think they're going to boo and they all just start applauding. And you're like, all right, this is.

This is fucking nuts. I feel like, first of all, every executive is a puss and a wuss who's scared to take a risk on something new, so this nostalgia shit is popping up everywhere. Fuller House. It's a can't miss. Yeah. You can't miss. You can't miss, so I get it. It's money. It's a fish in a barrel, but

God, I just hate that that's what it's come to You know, like art is dead When we're redoing Full House, Saved by the Bell, and Cobra Kai It's completely, but you're watching it So what can you say? I mean, we gotta bring back Family Matters Now Urkel is like a really autistic adult He works in Silicon Valley He's like, this guy's a fucking dick Yeah, exactly Yeah, so What else could they remake? Like what's an 80s or 90s show? I'm trying to think of like I bet nerds would go nuts for like

A remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, yeah. You know what they're redoing? And this is a fact. It's Revenge of the Nerds. They're making a show about it. And somebody had a great point. They're like, but the nerds are running everything now. So it doesn't work. It should be Revenge of the Bullies. The nerds were like, everything they do is like a fucking Law & Order SVU subplot. Where they're like, we put cameras in the girls' dorms. You can't do that anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, Revenge of the Nerds now is just a school shooter. So it's a lot darker now. Before it was like, oh, we're putting shit in the beakers. Now it's like I got an AK-47 in homeroom. Those movies got worse and worse. Like, one is great. Yeah, it's great. Two is solid. We got to put Barry Sobel in two. Ha ha ha.

And then like three and four, you're just like, this is, I mean, I watched them all as a kid. I fucking loved the first one so much that I was like, I was all in. Oh, Booger was great. Lamar. I loved it. I mean, except for the oral rape at the end that we all get on board with. I mean, well, she's like, she was like, you were good in bed. And he's like, so you're going to drop the charges? She's like, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I came. You're good. Yeah.

Lamar, when they start doing the techno show I was like, my mind was blown Completely, completely And that was a young Anthony Edwards, by the way Who went on to ER fame Oh man, he was great Robert Carradine The Carradines, fuck, dude We got David, Kung Fu, Kill Bill We got Keith in Nashville Oscar-winning song, I'm Easy

You ever seen Nashville? No, but I know of it, I never saw it But he's Kill Bill, right? No, that's David Keith is Nashville I think our boy Ronan Says it's the best movie ever What? Now I gotta watch it I think it's a musical It's classic Altman where it's a lot of weird audio shit But it's brilliant And the ending you're gonna be like

Oh, it's like Network where you watch it again and you're like, this is relevant always. Ah, all right, all right. You're going to love Nashville. I watched it with Rogowski one night and we were both like, whoa. And the music's incredible. Okay, all right, I'll check it out. And it's funny. It's like mocking. There's like a country song guy who's like, the whole thing is like,

He's a country star and his whole song is like We must be doing something right The last 200 years It's all just celebrating America, it's great Oh boy, that sounds timely I'll check that out It rules Lily Tomlin was like young and hot in it Oh yeah It's killer Let me ask you a weird Muriel question

You mentioned Revenge of the Nerds with the techno scene and the dancing. Have you ever danced in your life? I can't imagine you cutting a rug anywhere. Really? I have, yeah. Oh, really? I'll dance. I'll dance. If I've had a few of these, I'll fucking throw down. I respect that. How about you?

I'll do it I mean I'm with you I can't do it But I will do it I'm terrible I'm terrible But I think women Appreciate the effort They're just like He's terrible But I'm glad he's trying Exactly He's not too cool For school Where he's not even Attempting it I'll look like a dweeb Out there And do the robot Or whatever the fuck

But I feel like we have to kind of, like, I'm so bad that I have to throw some sense of irony in it. Like, I know I'm bad, guys. Yes, yes. I'm not really, I'm not, you know. Of course. But, yeah, I'm not a good dancer. Same. I've almost thought I'm such a bad dancer, like, I just can't get over that hump of, like, allowing myself to enjoy it and, like, let go. You know? I'm too, like, I'm too much of a comic where I'm, like, picturing everybody shitting on me.

Well, dude, we have that voice in our head Consciously being like, you fucking idiot Exactly You're an idiot, you're a piece of shit Don't you do that when you're thrown on clothes to go out? Yes! We've talked about this a million times What's Keith Robinson going to say about my outfit? Yeah, I mean, mine is deep High school guy, all the dudes I went to high school with All those fucking mooks Dude, somebody gave me a leather jacket It's like an $800 leather jacket I can't wear it

You can wear it for like a headliner set You can't wear that in New York You wear that shit in the road Maybe, maybe I just, I put it on I even put it in my suitcase and I don't wear it I know the feeling There's certain jackets where I'm like, it's not me But you gotta feel like you I mean, also Yeah, yeah Certain jackets, like, they may fit well And they might look cool But it's just not you, you know I know, but That doesn't mean that It's a bad, I wear it like I'm in my boxers at home With the jacket on, like looking in the mirror But I can't wear it out

And your girl likes it? Yeah, she's like, she says what you said. She's like, if it's not you, you can't do it. Nothing hotter than a guy who's comfortable and himself. You dress well. Who gives a fuck? I don't know. Your clothes fit and you look, I mean, come on. Who gives a fuck? You do. You do. We're no Phil Hanley, but...

I mean, yeah, I think you got to be comfy in it. You up it a little bit on the road because they bought tickets or you up it a little bit for a special. But if you're not feeling it, I don't want to worry about ruining a jacket while wearing it. That too.

If you're not feeling it, they can feel it. It's kind of funny how that works. But sometimes you throw a jacket on and it just fits really well and you start walking around and you're like, yeah, maybe this is me. No better feeling when a jacket fits great and you're comfortable with it. Oh, man. You feel like you can take over the world with a good jacket.

You know, I've been doing this thing because I get on these YouTube wormholes, and this is pretty cheesy, but there's a woman on YouTube, Marnie or something like that, and all she does is tell you all the secrets that women won't tell you. And she's got all these views because guys are like, we're curious. We want to know. You know, women, everything's a secret, women, because they want that upper hand.

My friend does a similar thing on her Instagram, and she's good at it. She says shit, and I'm like, okay. I mean, it's an untapped market where every single guy out there is going, should I wear this? What should I say? What should I do? What do women like? What do they not like? And we just have to do trial and error, and hopefully we get laid. But she's actually laying it all out, and it's fucking amazing. Because I was way off on everything. Give me one. What were you off on? Well, she's like...

Talking about like what to wear She's like nothing hotter than a guy in like a good hoodie And I was like a hoodie? I thought that was like you know sport wear Or like lounge wear around the house So that was interesting I think that's good because it's like If it fits I think they're just kind of like Oh he doesn't care but he cares Right

Right, right. It's all like when a woman walks into a, like your girlfriend walks into a building or a restaurant, touch the lower back and guide her in. Shit like that where you're like, man, I would have never known that. Fuck, I was going too low. That's a bummer. Okay. Yeah. So just little things where you're like, oh, wow, women dig that. I would have never known that. And they don't, they could just fucking tell us, but they don't.

Women don't tell us. They want us to guess. I've been thinking about this a lot. I got a couple bits about it, but I think if they tell us, we'll just do it, and they'll fall for us, and then we'll just move on. So they end up getting hurt.

They want us, it's like a puzzle. If they just told us how to solve it, they're like, who gives a, I'm not a special puzzle. You got to work to solve that fucking puzzle, dude. Exactly. Exactly. And it kind of means more. Like if a guy just naturally does the shit you like, you're like, all right, this guy was, this guy's meant for me. That's good.

Yeah, they want the work. They want us to like, yeah, I think it's a whole thing about like women are kind of programmed to be like soulmate. Let me find my soulmate. And you kind of and I'm not saying like, you know, from birth, I'm saying that's how what they're told as a kid. That's what they're fed in these movies and stuff. So they want the guy to guess it. And if you guess it, that means like he knows what I want. Yeah, we're meant to be together. It's natural. Exactly. Exactly.

But that's why, like, that douchebag wrote the book, what is it, like, about negging women? That bald guy? Dude, I hate negging. I have a lot of bits about negging. I had a bit of, I got this about negging, but women were just like, they just shit on you, and you're like, okay, yeah, anyone can do this. Yeah, exactly. Like, this isn't a turn-on for me. But what was that book called? It was like The Hustler's Guide to Gash or whatever the hell it was. But either way, that book was like a bestseller because that's how...

Curious men are Sorry After the show he's like If you like the book I will sign your gash Yeah bring that clam over here But apparently that guy cleaned up I mean Yeah but that's a one trick pony isn't it Sure sure yeah That was a one hit wonder But hey it had a moment That guy had a moment in the sun I think he got laid Yeah I don't know Gotta think long game though I agree Give me any news stories you got

Yeah, I got a couple zingers on some news stories. One, you see this thing in Denmark? There's a new Danish cartoon with the man has the world's longest penis. I did see that. Yeah, so it's on some like, you know, PBS, whatever the PBS is in Denmark. And my joke was, oh, I thought that would be on the BBC. Yeah.

Ooh, that's good It's more of a written joke, but you get it That's good That's fucking funny Yeah, I saw that, my first thought was America, we're still number one I mean, that's fucking embarrassing But, yeah, that's great That's a great joke, the BBC one's so funny Definitely embarrassing I had like eight jokes on the Capitol thing But everybody's got that Well, give me a Capitol joke Well, let's see Hold on, I gotta pull them out I got so many

You had a bunch too Yeah, I heard the Capitol was going to throw up heat lamps for outdoor rioting That was one of mine That's great Oh, one of my jokes was Man, it's a shame what happened at the Capitol They didn't even do temperature checks To let people in

We're on the same wavelength there Yeah, yeah I'd won the Capitals easier to get into than the Apple store They made me do an appointment Yeah Everyone had a fucking I mean, that was insane It's sad, that's almost like prime Twitter I know, I know You've heard of Black Friday? Well, that was White Wednesday That's fucking good The guy with the fur I was like, if the police don't get him, Peter will

Oh, and then my other news story is Kim Kardashian divorced Kanye. And I'm like, man, she freed another black guy. Ooh, that's a fucking... That's a big one. Yeah, because of her Trump thing, right? That's fucking smart. Also...

It's so funny that she wants to be a lawyer. I know, I know. Jesus Christ. She wants to be a fucking lawyer. Yeah, I mean, she got a couple guys out of jail, so I guess it's working. I mean, if you got the power, use it for good. That's true. That is true. It's just funny how everybody in corporate America wants to be a TikTok star and a famous person and social media influencer, and everybody who's an influencer wants to have a real job.

Yeah, Kanye wants to be president She wants to be a lawyer Maybe in four years they both will be And he'll get impeached and she'll be fucking She'll be dealing with the legal stuff Yeah, she'll be the next Cochran or whatever It's weird that also Yeah, that story is fucking crazy I'm trying to think what I had Trump off, uh

It did laugh about, I mean, obviously Trump on Twitter, we got to weigh in on for a sec because it's, that's insane. It's like, it's crazy that that is a bigger story than him getting impeached. It affects him more than if Melania left him. Yeah. Like without question, you're like, I built up like that is financially fucking him hugely. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That was his big platform. 88 million followers. And you're just like,

Like, if Melania left him, he'd be like, okay, I bet. But if he's like, just do it quietly, we'll work you out a deal. Twitter leaving him, he's like, oh, this is ruining my life right now. Yeah. I saw all the memes, like, he's trying to get onto MySpace. Hey, Tripp just hit me on Friendster or whatever, you know. He's going to have an OnlyFans. Jeff Rossi's going to have an OnlyFans where he shows his feet. Yeah.

Yeah, it's fucking weird. The story I saw was U.S. Representative Mary Miller. I don't know if you saw this, how she got, it was a pro-Trump rally. She wrote, Hitler was right about one thing. And it was basically saying like, the youth is the future, which is like, why quote Hitler? A lot of people said that. You don't need to quote Hitler. Yeah.

Yeah, right? It's like, you know, I don't like Osama bin Laden, but he did say that marriage is everything. So I do like that he said that. Right, right. That's hilarious. What's that guy's name? Adi Amin?

Idi Amin, yeah. Idi Amin. He said milk does a body good. You can't forget that. If I had gotten the name, damn it. You got it. All right. How about a bit? Do you have a bit for this week? Stalin said eat your vegetables. Yeah, that's hilarious. I didn't catch that lady. Crazy. All right. This actually happened to me, and I think there's something here. So let me run it by you. Yeah.

Doing some gigs the other night, and, you know, I like to touch on some touchy subjects and walk the line a little bit. And this younger lady hit me up after in the lobby and was like, I think it's so fucked up how you generalize. Like, you shouldn't poke fun at the—just because it's a group, you don't generalize, blah, blah, blah. She kept saying generalize, and you're excluding and discriminating against groups. She's like, that's such a boomer move. And I'm like, well, isn't that—

Generalizing a group You're just doing it again But somehow Boomer is allowed First of all, that's a slur And you're just lumping this group together Well, Boomer's not a slur It's not a slur Well, not a slur, but it's a dig I'm not putting Boomer with the N-word here But yeah, it's a dig Yeah, you're right You're doing what you're claiming to be against Exactly, but for some reason You're a Boomer

Yeah, I mean, you're just completely putting me in this box of a group that you deemed is inappropriate or whatever the fuck, but you're still doing the thing that you hate. You're still generalizing. And you're accusing me of doing, and you're doing, that's fucking interesting. Uh-huh. So she's... It needs a comparison, obviously. Yeah, she's telling you that you're...

Generalizing But she's calling you A boomer is what? Like an old It's like kind of an older person Right? Out of touch Older guy Yeah Yeah And you're like Well then Technically I should be allowed to generalize Right Right Like how come you can do it But I can't It's interesting Mike Kaplan used to Heck Kaplan had a funny joke About how he said Uh

If you generalize, I'm going to, I hate when people generalize, I'll kick your ass like an Asian with karate or something like that. That's great. And I'm going to be like, oh, that's good. I butchered it. That's funny. No, it's funny. Yeah, yeah. It's similar to that. Yeah, it's like you're generalizing, but you're calling me someone who generalizes, so then I guess I'm all right. You know, it's kind of like. Yeah, the thing you're calling me out for doing, you're doing in front of me, to me.

What's like the opposite of a boomer? I guess a Gen Z or millennial. Millennial. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like, what was there a bit that she called you out for doing that with? I was doing some, some racial bit, some bit about like black people in police or something like that. And yeah,

It's not even an offensive bit. It's just about black people. So she was just jumping on it. Oh, it's about how we can't say master bedroom anymore. And I'm like, well, if we can't say the term master bedroom, we got to stop saying masturbation, which I think is worse because you're beating something defenseless. So it's like the point is you can tie anything to something offensive or something, you know, inappropriate. Yeah, she just sounds really dumb. I mean, like, it's like...

You're just generalizing I was like no I was making a joke Maybe it's this He's got a gun shoot him You know something like that You're doing the thing You're mad at me you're doing it to me You're a hypocrite

You're just generalizing Boomer And you're like well you're just whining White lady or something like that That's not it But it's like I don't want to go with like the Karen shit Because it's so fucking hacky and easy But like there's something about like There's something about the like Being a white woman and complaining after a show

You're not breaking new ground either. Uh-huh. There it is. You know what I mean? Then she has to see the manager. I wouldn't say Karen in the joke. No, no, I wouldn't say Karen. Then she has to see the manager and you're like, wow, you're a revolutionary. Yeah, yeah. Or something like that. Hate to generalize, but I've seen a lot of white women do this before too. Right.

Right, that's good Alright, we cracked it I'm gonna try that one next week Boom, fucking got it Boomer I had this idea about like So I was talking to someone He told me he's battling depression And I was like, yeah, I've never battled depression In my life

Every time depression comes on, I'm always like, you win. Like, you win this round. You know, like, depression is not a battle. Depression is like getting jumped by five guys. And you're like, just take what you want. And they're like, I want your entire day. And you're like, it's yours. And you're like, same time tomorrow?

Oh, that's great. That's great. And then the only way you can reason with the guys is you're like, look, let's all get drunk together. You know, like something where you deal with the depression by getting drunk or taking a pill or something. Yeah. You're just like, fuck. All right. I'll stay in bed. All right. You got this. Don't move. That's great. That's a great analogy. The jumping instead of battling because a battle you can win.

You know, yes, we won the battle. We lost the war, whatever they say. So you can you have a chance of winning. If depression comes on, you're like that goes the weekend. Exactly. That's good. Yeah, there's something. Yeah, it's a battle. You can't it's it's not a it's not a battle. You can win battles. Right. Or maybe this could be a tag is a.

Although the only reason it's like a battle is I do have a battle cry, you know, some of the depression and crying battling. All right. I'm reaching. There's no, there's no battle where you're like, I'm just going to watch season four of the Sopranos again. Yeah. Battles in the dirt with bloodshed and machetes and pistols and flags. You know, this is a pajamas and ice cream and Netflix. I got enough to take with that. I'm going to try that this week for sure. And, uh,

Let's tell people, make sure to email us if you're, because we're going to start a Patreon soon. So you can sign up for that soon. But we have an email, one more drink with Mark and Sam at gmail.com. Nice. So that's one more drink spelled out, not the number. One more drink with Mark and Sam at gmail.com. Send us, you know, pet peeves, recommendations, a joke, anything we talk about in the show, whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. Questions. Uh, we'll do a little, ask me anything, a joke idea. Maybe we can bounce it around. Uh, and we'll do that in the patron. So you send us a question, check the patron and we'll probably answer it or talk. We're going to get this on all platforms, Apple, all that bullshit, Spotify, uh, whatever, and subscribe. Make sure you leave a review. I'm having a ton of fun doing this, man. This is, I'm loving this. So I hope, uh, I hope the people are liking this too. Uh,

Same. I hope everybody's having a drink with us at home. Tell a friend. Spread the love. Share it. We'll keep it going. Every week. We'll see you at the bar. See you at the bar. Cheers, guys.