Ep 41: Guatemala
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Well, do you want to break the news, Cronkite, or should I? Well, we recorded this a few days earlier, so we've just discovered part of my... I'm a little speechless. We just discovered that one of the best comedians of all time, Norm Macdonald, has died.

Yes. One of the funniest guys on the planet. One of my heroes. Huge influence on me. I've seen everything. I watch his YouTube probably every other day. I just put it on. When I first met you and I saw you, I was like, oh, he's doing like a Jerry Norm thing. Yeah, completely. Seinfeld and Norm. I think a tale in Dangerfield with Mike. Yes. Every comic you'd see Joe Mackey was like Hedberg and Eugene Merman. Wow.

- Wow. - You could always see who people were kind of influenced by in their first couple years. - Definitely. - And for you,

- It was Norm Macdonald. - Yeah, I just, I'm floored. I cannot believe this is real. I'm crushed, I'm hurt. My body's doing that thing where it keeps avoiding it. My brain keeps avoiding it, but then I have to remind myself that it's real. - It's crazy to discover this literally maybe three minutes before we just recorded. - Yeah, a live stream app, by the way, and oh my God, I just, one of those guys you just never thought

I had no idea he had cancer. He was very young. 61. 61. Very young. He had another special in him. He's great on podcasts. I just wish he made more. I mean, look, he's got a lot of stuff out there, so I'm getting greedy, but I think he's one of the funniest people. I mean, no one sounds like him. Amazing jokes. Great takes.

Brilliant comic. Very sophisticated. I mean, I still remember when he made it to the, I think he made it to the finals on who wants to be a millionaire. He made it to the million dollar question and he bailed because it was for charity. But it turned out he knew the right answer. So this is a guy who by all accounts was like self-educated and made it that far. I mean.

one of the best comedy minds of all time. I remember Colin Quinn told me a story once that, you know, one of my favorite musicians ever, Leonard Cohen, being a Canadian, would go see Norm Macdonald play. Whoa. And Norm was like, who's this guy? Who's this old guy? He didn't care that Leonard Cohen was a Norm Macdonald fan. Wow.

- Oh, unbelievable, yeah. His gambling stories on Howard Stern are incredible. - Incredible. - I read his book. I've seen everything he's done. - Dirty Work is a great comedy. - Oh, I love Dirty Work. I met him once at the Cellar and I got a photo with him and now I'm so glad I did. He did Last Comic Standing. He was the only honest judge. He would tell comics they were hacks. It was awesome.

The comics hated him. Joe List did it. And he goes, Joe, you're a very good writer. And Anthony Jeslin goes, hey, Joe, Norm just called you ugly, which is such a great line. Damn. Oh, my God. I met him twice. And the first time I met him was I was doing this comedy style competition at Caroline's.

And it was the final four. It was me, Dan Soder, who eventually beat me in the final two. It was me, Soder, Nick Cobb, and Adam Newman. Wow. And Norm MacDonald was just chilling in the crowd, watching. Damn.

And he couldn't have been nicer. He was so freaking nice to all of us. Yeah. Complimenting our acts, being like, man, I can never do this type of thing, you know? So cool. And then the other time I met him was on Last Comic Standing when he was a judge and I got eliminated in the first round. I had a pretty good set, better than a lot of people who moved on, but it's NBC. Let's chase it. That's how it goes. But, yeah.

I remember I had one joke that Norm singled out and goes, "That joke is gold." And that to me was- - Wow. - To me, I didn't even feel that bad I got locked off 'cause I was like, Norm Macdonald, who was the judge that I connected to his work the most, it was Roseanne and Keenan. I connect to Roseanne's politics, of course. But it was Roseanne and Keenan Ivory Wayans. And obviously I love "In Living Color," but Norm, I'm a comic. Norm was the guy I connected with.

The joke he loved was I said, you know, my last girlfriend was a hoarder and she broke up with me, which, which stings extra hard. I'm like the one thing she can get rid of. And he said he loved that joke. And then, uh, I got keen and kind of dig me in the, in the,

last comic thing. He said, no, I like some of your jokes, but not all of them. And I said, well, I loved all your scary movie films. And it got a huge laugh. And he's, I only did the first two. And I was like, all right. I remember I saw Norm in like the food. He couldn't let it pass. He couldn't take the L on that one. I was about to, I knew I was out after that. Right. And then I'm walking through the thing. It was like a break. I guess they were taking a break. They paid audience. And I see Norm and he goes, I really liked that you did that. You dug. Oh,

So that was a special moment. - He's the real deal, he really is. - Yeah, I think he could tell. And I said I met you once at Caroline's and I told him I really like him.

Yeah, yeah, Quinn said him and David Spader are the funniest hang of all time. Them together. Yeah, I did Last Comic with Keenan, was one of my judges as well, and he zinged me and I said, appreciate it, Damon, and I got a big laugh. Yeah, but I got kicked out after that. We both went down swinging, as they say. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I mean, Norm really was brilliant. I mean...

Not just his stand-up, but an edgy, underappreciated weekend update anchor. Oh, the best. Easily the best weekend guy. And he followed, I believe he followed Kevin Nealon, who I thought was great as well. Nealon was great. Yeah, different type of anchor. Yeah, Dennis Miller was always lauded as the best one, and then I feel like Norm kind of took it over. Well, Norm was our guy. It's almost like people were like, I'm a Letterman guy, and then we're like, well, we're Conan guys.

Right. That's kind of what Norm was. But he would come in and he would bomb a lot. He would have jokes that the audience would be like, oh, he had this one great joke. He's like, something, something, women are bad drivers. And they went, oh. And he went, well, I want you to know a woman wrote that joke. And they went, oh. And he went, I'm kidding. We don't hire women. You're like, yeah, that's a comic.

Come on. He just kept teasing him. That's a fucking combo. He went this way, that way, then that way. I mean, he's the best. Before we go on, I should say that we're not drinking alcohol this week. We've been doing so many day episodes. I'm going to go ahead and say, I don't like getting day drunk. I'm a night drinker. Sure. We work at night. It's hard being groggy for these sets all the time. Yep, yep. We decide, we say we might be drunk. We're not saying we are drunk. The title is We Might Be. Yes. And this week,

We're doing coffee, but it feels weird not drinking now. I know. I mean, I might pull that Angel's Envy off this shelf and have a toast because it's the Mac. We got to do a shot for him. We got to. I think we drink coffee, but we do a shot. It's Irish, baby. He's Irish. McDonald's, Canadian, grew up on a farm. Dad was a whatever. His mom was a teacher. He comes from humble beginnings.

Red Dostoevsky, I mean, he had a son. He lived in an apartment in L.A. He ate cereal for dinner. Can't drive. He's a fascinating guy. I relate to that right there. Yeah. Yeah, it's a huge blow, huge loss. And we literally just found out before recording this. Well, should we play, I mean, let's play a couple great Norm clips as just to honor him and his greatness. Yes, here, here. All right, this is, by request,

on Letterman his last time doing his World War II joke. I watch the TV, I watch the news, make you afraid of the news, you know. Put all these stories on Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know, trying to scare you, you know. But does it ever really scare you? You ever wake up in the middle of the night, ah, North Korea! A little tiny country across the ocean. I wonder if they'll get me.

Plus didn't MASH settle that like 20 years ago? One day after one day, that's a stupid joke. There is one country that worries me though. Not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea. The only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not but... In the early part of the previous century, Germany decided to go to war. Who did they go to war with?

The world! It had never been tried before. And so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win, but no, it was actually close. And then about 30 years pass, and Germany decides again to go to war, and again it chooses as its enemy the world. I was impressed with the standpoint that I saw.

Third time. Oh, that's a big play.

There it is. I got misty. I'm getting misty here. It's a great bit. I mean, it's so simple. Those are the best bits, the ones where you're like, how has no one done that? I know. The world. God, I'm a fucking queef. I love when you do a joke that's like the setup.

It all hits the crowd at the same time. I don't know if you guys are history buffs. It all just hits them. I mean, that's a great... Amazing. That's a beautiful way to bring an exact feeling to everyone in the Ed Sullivan Theater. Yes. Hear, hear. Well said. That's a great point. Yeah. He was the king. He was the best. I mean, if you could play the... The chairman of the board thing is probably his crown jewel in his panel because he had so many great panels. The moth joke, all that shit. But...

The one with the SNL, because a lot of comics are like, I don't give a fuck, I say what I want. This is the ultimate not giving a fuck. He goes on, he gets fired from SNL, he gets rehired to host years later. He's like, really? Okay. He's always hated them because they fired him. So he comes back and tanks the whole show in the monologue and then just does the show.

The balls! His return monologue, you mean? Yeah, yeah. Comes back. All right, let me... Yeah, start doing the coffee. Sorry, we'll move on from Norm, but I'm freaking out here. So, yeah, I think you were touched by this a little more than most people, Mark. Yes. Uh-oh. He said put it on 10. Oh, God. We might need Peters. Oh, we can figure this out. What is this? Let's go!

Yeah, good grind. Not his first time on Grindr. Oh, I was just about to go there. Not his first time on Grindr. That doesn't look good. Looks like shake. Bad weed. Oh, my phone's blowing up. Everybody, every comic you've ever heard of.

- I get a million insults on YouTube comments and I always get, I thought this was Norm Macdonald and then when I realized it wasn't, I turned it off and I'm like, I get it. - Yeah. - That's one YouTube comment I get. - I did a bit once that they were like, that's a Norm, but I didn't know. So I had to pull it, I was-- - Wow. - Yeah, I mean that hit, and I was like, it was a bit, I was like, that's a good bit and then someone was like, that's a Norm bit, I'm a fan, I was like, fuck, I pulled it. - Yeah, yeah. Well, that's very flattering that you're thinking like Norm.

He got in trouble. Remember, he defended somebody and he got in trouble. That was so petty. What was that? It was very petty. And he got in trouble for saying Down syndrome or something. But either way, doesn't this put it all in perspective? This guy is dead now. He defended Matt Damon, as I recall. I think it was Matt Damon. You can't do that. You can't do that.

That's where we're at. All right, uh-oh, Matt's coming in. Matt Peters, everybody, the producer. You get to see the man behind the machine. More trouble than it's worth at this point. Oh, God. Just pour it in the filter, see what happens. Yeah? No, I'm joking, but these are from Guatemala. JJ Roaster sent these in, so thanks, JJ. It's good coffee. I had some at home. We don't know what to do. Yeah, I don't know what's going on here. Come on. Oh, what do you got? Your nuts with you? What's in the bowl? That might be it. Yep. There we go. There we go.

Hey, boy, you guys seen all this 9-11 stuff? I'm so sick of 9-11. You're sick? I mean... I feel like Ben Laden here. I'm like, all right, enough. We got it. I don't think he was sick of hearing about it. I think that was his crown jewel. Ah, good point. Atta baby. Boy, we are worthless. Comedians are worthless. Comedians not making coffee. Aha. Salacuse is on today.

Is that working? Whoa. It says brew now. The light is on, so I think you're good. Did you set that clock? You are a fucking beast. So the clock is right on the coffee thing? There's not one clock in America on a coffee machine that is correct. Wow. Mine says 9-11 on it. That Afghani roast. Yeah, it's working. There we go. Sounds like Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs right now. You hear that?

Yeah, man. Norm was one of the best ever. Should we do some more? That's kind of loud, isn't it? I don't think the mic's picking up. Why is that so loud? I want to hear the chairman of the board. Sounds like it's sizzling. Yeah, let's do the chairman of the board bit, Norm. So, one of you guys want to set this up? Well, he's on with an actress. Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Who I think was from Melrose Place, right? And she is in this movie with Carrot Top, who I guess was making a lot of movies at the time, called Chairman of the Board. And Norm was the first guest, and he hangs around. So here you go. You're making a movie with Carrot Top, right? I made a movie with Carrot Top. Okay, but what's the movie going to be called? I know what it's going to be called. Yeah, what's that?

If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it would be? What's that, Norm? Box Office Poison. Oh my God. There's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point. Chairman of the Board. Oh, all right. Do something with that, you freak. I've got the board, it's spelled B-O-R-E-D. Falls out of the chair. I mean, come on! That is unbelievable. Epic moment. I wish they'd let the laughs go a little longer, that they shorten it, but yeah. In

Incredible. You know as a comic, we've all been in that moment where they're like, what do you got now? I mean, you handle hecklers all the time. You're swatting flies all day long. When you think of that line... When Conan challenges you and you deliver, it's pretty damn cool. And also, I mean, this is very much...

I get Mark relates to this as saying the inappropriate thing at all times. This is, I mean, so much of like what I related to as a comic growing up was Dangerfield in the hoity-toity scene being inappropriate. Right. I mean, you're the disruptors, the comics. Exactly. I mean, I love this shit. Oh, it's the best. And then to have that line and he nailed it. I mean, to put that much pressure on you on TV and nail it. I mean, it just proves that he's on another level.

B-O-R-E-D. Come on. Pull that out of your ass. That is something. And then the delivery. He's so excited. He's like a 10-year-old. I bet it's called B-O-R-E-D. It's like, oh, it's so funny. God, I miss him already. Damn. Brutal. Thank God we have all the footage at least. But Jesus, we'll never get anything new. I mean, he was a true comic legend. I mean, so many comics.

revered him he was he was a comics comic and it's rare for those guys to break through and have the mainstream success that that norm ad but yeah he really did you know yeah i mean he had a lot of failed pilots but he kept getting the pilots because i think he was one of those guys i think even the suits were like nah he's good like yeah he had that kind of pure tall good-looking guy uh

Great observational, could work clean. Kinda had all the tools of what a megastar standup should have. - Right. - But he was just so dry and such a disruptor. - Right. - That that would get in the way sometimes. - Totally. His sports show, I'm not even a sports guy, and the jokes were so good. He was killer on that. - Great show. - Yeah, just nobody cared about sports on Comedy Central, I guess. - I remember he did a bit that defended Tiger Woods that I thought was hilarious on the show, and the bit was basically like,

how many, well, he's like, yeah, he cheated, but think about how many women hit on him.

He goes, how many women hit on you in this many years? He goes, one in 10 years. He goes, Tiger had like this many hundred. He only slept with this many. And he did the math. He goes, he's more faithful than you are. That's a great angle for a bit. Great angle, great angle. And then people nowadays hear that and they go, well, that's a little low. And you're like, it's about the angle, you gum guzzler. It's about the joke, the tools, the spin.

it's a magic trick and he pulled it off. It's not about the, uh, the politics and all that. That's what I love. He was a contrarian. A lot of, a lot of great comics are like, well, you think, I think it was more like the media was tearing tiger to shreds. And even though we can agree what he did was wrong. Uh, I,

I think he felt for him. And that was his way of being like, I feel for this guy that is being railroaded. Like when you see the tiger doc, you kind of, you do feel for him. Sure. Of course. Of course. What was the thing he did was wrong. Slept with a lot of women. Slept with like 20 women behind his wife's back. Behind his wife's back. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's, no, him just fucking those women if you're not married. I think that's, but you know, she made out okay financially. - Sure, sure. - I'm sure she's got other issues. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There's nuance to the picture and he added nuance. That's what I think. That's what I took from the bit. - Good point. Well, we do a thing now where we just deem somebody like, he's bad, so like Tiger Woods was bad. And then to find a way to make him okay is really brilliant. That's hard comedy. - Well, yeah, that was, he was finding

- An unorthodox angle. - Yes. - Which I loved about it. - Same, same. Like Tasha's joke about how slavery is kinda cool. And you're like, "Whoa, how is he gonna get out of this one?" And he does it and it kills and you're like,

He probably doesn't. It's not like he's pro-slavery. I'm guessing he worked that one out in Beverly Hills. I don't think he worked that one out in Atlanta. I don't know. I think I saw him in Compton. But you see my point. The skill is to get out of that, to set it up and get out. Bill Burr has a lot of those. You set it up and you get out. If they're clapping in the setup, it's not exactly a thrill. It's not as exciting. Yes. Yes, exactly. So, Jesus, he'll be missed. I still can't believe it's real.

I got a bad news, after I drink this, I'm gonna shit all over you. - Okay. - 'Cause I can't not shit after a cup of coffee. - That's all right. - All right. - I mean, that's what it does, right? - Yeah. - I love a good morning, I like the consistency of my morning. I wake up, I make my coffee, and I take a shit. There's something comforting about that routine. - I do the same exact thing, except I have oatmeal. Now, do you read on the shitter?

I admittedly, I do a lot of phone scrolling. I'll read the news, but like, I, yeah, I back the days of me reading a, uh, a hard, a hard cover on the book. It's like, you know, so our apartments are kind of small. Do you shit with your fiance and your girlfriend in the house? Yeah, of course. Door open live, live feed. Yeah. Actually door open. And I have a fan blown in her direction. No, I, uh, no, we, uh,

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Some of the romance. The romance? Yeah. I mean, he's doing on her chest. Oh, no. She's from Germany. But... The world. No. You know, what do you mean? I mean, you got to poop in your apartment. What, you think I'm going to go to the fucking corner store? Or like wait till she goes out to do something.

I guess you could do that. That's a bold move. Hey, can you take a walk? I've got to take a dump. Like, that's a bit aggressive too, isn't it? Yeah, one word. Candles. You light a candle. Yeah. It's almost like a little remembrance. You flush it. It's like a little memoriam. Now it smells like my ass and sandalwood. So that's kind of nice. Now, uh...

For sure. I mean, also, here's a little secret that I've learned from the ladies. Poop hurry. Get that little spray. You put it in the toilet before, you boop, no smell. Let me ask you this. You got a bidet? No, do you? No, everybody's got a bidet but us. We're the only three people in America without a bidet, it feels like. Bidets seem nice. They seem great. They used to get mocked for a bidet, but I feel like now that they're green, right? Yeah, yeah. It's kind of nice, too. Like, I don't...

I feel like you're not fully wiping the ass without a bidet. It's true. I mean, they make a good case. You wouldn't wipe shit off your arm with a dry towel. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't do it normally. But the bidet is the gay marriage of toiletries. Why is that? Because it used to not be accepted, and a few people were into it, and now everybody likes it. And it tickles your asshole. Oh.

But I'm just saying it's come around. - It's tough that the asshole tickle is now part of the bedroom 'cause then you take a shit, you get a little arouse. - Yes, yes. - You know? - Yeah, your brain is confused. - Yeah. - Yeah, but I always read on the shit. - Just like during sex. - Oh yeah, we're all confused. This is a lot of fucking coffee. - Yeah, Matt, we might have gone overboard here. This is 10 cups for three of us? - Yeah, what are you doing? Is this for the AA meeting after? I mean, this is a full pot.

Pol Pot, bad dictator. I'm doing word association here. For anyone who questions that Mark is autistic. I am, I am. You got the photo. Can we move the photo? It's very upsetting. Jesus Christ. Truly a legend. I'm sorry. On my YouTube page is a thing that says Mark Norman on Norm MacDonald. It's like 30 minutes of somebody compiled me blowing Norm and just made it a video.

So that's where, if you want to hear me talk about him, it's there. And just watch, there's a great channel. I saw he retweeted one of your jokes. Oh, I reposted it on Instagram and met the world to me, yeah. He has a YouTube page called I'm Not Norm. And whoever made it is like some super fan and it's so well done and it's got all the best shit. So check that out. I'm Not Norm.

- It's rough, man. - Yeah. - Or should we try to talk about, I mean, let's try to talk about upbeat stuff maybe, I don't know. - Yeah, well. - You have a good weekend, and any good recs for me? - I got a ton of stuff to talk about. - Oh, I watched Malice at the Palace. - Pretty great, huh? - I loved it. - Pretty great. - It's incredible, man. Yeah, on Netflix, it's only an hour and eight minutes, so. - Yeah. - If you're looking for a great short doc,

It's terrific. It's, you know, I remember where I was when that happened. It was such a shocking moment, the fight in the palace. But yeah, our test, our now metal world piece, Jermaine O'Neal, Steven Jackson. It's great. It's great. It's so well done. And it just shows like the media can spin stuff. And these poor guys went through hell. O'Neal was on the course to be a big shot. Well, he was a great player, but I think that really hurt him. Oh, yeah. I think like,

You put in that kind of work and your teammates keep taking the wind out from under your sails, you know? Yeah. I got to give a shout out to the guy or the gal, whoever directs these things. The new one with Marty Fish. Have you guys heard of Marty Fish? Wait. I like the cream first. Tell me when. A little more. There we go. Cow. Cow.

All right, this guy Marty Fish is a tennis guy, and he's just a regular guy, but he got to, like, number one in the world, and then he had a mental breakdown and lost it all. But these untolds are amazing. The Bruce Jenner one, this one, Mal's in the Palace, the Christy Martin one, they're incredible. Whoever's doing these deserves a good day. The Bruce Jenner one's incredible? Incredible, because you never hear that side of him, you know, because Caitlyn came through. Here we go. Hey.

- To a new beginning. - Hear, hear. - To a sober episode. Matt, do you want some coffee? - Oh, it smells pretty damn good. Guatemala, baby. Mmm, COVID. - That's really good. That's good coffee.

Shout out to JJ Roasters for sending this to us. Hell yeah. I love it, man. Man, that is good. And that oat milk is hitting the spot. Oat milk. Underrated milk. The best milk. It makes me... It's like you ever date someone and you're like, they were great. And then you date someone after and you're like, oh, they're great. Yeah. That's what it feels like, the transition from almond to oat milk. Oh. I thought almond was good. And then I was like, almond ain't shit. Yeah. And I'm glad almond's over because we got through all those...

There ain't no nipples on an almond. All right, all right, we got it. I mean, it's like... Everyone has it. Everyone has it. Yeah. Too much. How you milk an oat? There's no nipples on an oat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Marty Fish.

Yeah, just a fascinating guy because he's a guy like us, but he got wrapped up in this. He played tennis as a kid just for fun, and then he started getting competitive, and he did okay. He was friends with Andy Roddick. They would compete, whatever, but he lost 10 games in a row to Andy Roddick. He was a friend. And then one day, he just said, you know what? I'm pretty good at tennis. I'm going to change my whole life, work out every day, and become the best.

And he just did it. And then he started beating, he beat Nadal. He beat all these guys. It's unbelievable. It's just a thing flipped. I mean, his wife was like, I mean, it ruined our marriage. Like he was out every day practicing. And he said he would just tell a guy, serve the ball to me that on that side. And then that side, we're going to do that for like four hours. And then, then they would go jog and then they would go work out. I mean, it's unreal. He just had something flip. And then he went crazy. That's crazy that, you know,

you pursue what you do what it takes to really be great and the toll it's never nothing it's always it's always something pretty extreme and yes

It's hard to have it all. So I don't want to give away the ending, but he's on his way to the U.S. Open, the top elite against Djokovic or whatever his name is, the best in the world. And he's having a panic attack in the car on the way there on the limo. And his wife goes, this is bad. You know you don't have to go. And he was like, I don't. And he just went home. Wow. On his way to the Open. Insane. Wow.

- Cool doc, check it out, Untold, the whole series is killer. - Yeah, I liked it. - Yeah, these sports docs are really-- - They're fun. - Docs were just kind of a thing, like you'd see a doc every five years back when we were younger, now they're like taking over. And movies suck. - Yeah, it's one of the few, I mean, Netflix doesn't have a lot of good original shows, but then the docs they have are pretty strong.

Oh yeah, killing it. Even the 9-11 one was great. I jerked off to it. You jerked off to it? That's one of the best. Oh, that's a, yeah. You could tell what a person you were by how long you waited to jack off after 9-11. For me, it was in between the first and the second. Pretty great. Between the first and the second, that's great.

I remember jerking off on Christmas morning once and feeling horrible about myself. Really? Yeah, yeah. I did it for the Jews. Before, but I could hear my grandparents downstairs and it was like family time and I was like, I got to rub one out real quick. I was like 13, 14. You have no control of your penis in 13, 14. No. The penis controls you. Yeah. You just wake up with a stiff one. You're like, oh, fuck.

And no present was as good as that tube sock I filled. That was the one year you were happy you got extra socks for Christmas. Yeah. Like, oh, shit, how do you know I needed these? Right, I hung that stocking up. It was hard. Holy jeez, what are you doing, Sally? Christmas masturbating. Oh. You're going to get us kicked off YouTube. I was going to jerk it off on presents, but I got...

We don't need a visual for everything, Matt. We can just visualize some of this. The worst part was the candy cane up my ass. But other than that, it was a great time. Yeah, dude. I mean...

I can't watch any 9-11 stuff. I'll tell you the one movie I think handled it tastefully was 25th Hour. Oh, yeah. The Spike Lee movie where they're just kind of at ground zero. And there was actually a New York Times article about this last weekend about how that was like the one movie. And that's how I felt. I remember seeing the theater and it's Philip Seymour Hoffman and Barry Pepper just like looking over because all these movies were editing the Twin Towers in at the time. And it's like, what the fuck are you doing?

This is like the opposite of being a Holocaust denier. You know what I mean? Right, right. It's weird. You're just like, what do you put... So that... Yeah, you always hear that. No Jews in the building. It's like, I think there were Jews in the building. Right? What are you talking about? That's always the big conspiracy about 9-11. There were no Jews in the building, just saying. Mossad took it down. Right. And they warned all the Jews. Like, they have time to do that. Yeah. Do you believe that? Of course not. Yeah, I mean... I mean, no. I mean...

- I don't know. Yeah, I just think, I remember that day. I mean, you were here, right? - Really? - Yeah, I remember it. - Here's a photo of him at a bar drinking after. - Yeah. - What'd you do? What were you, like 11? - I was in school, yeah. I remember my dad would take me out of school. - Whoa! - I remember the teacher gave us a pop quiz. Like we found out that the-- - One tower minus two.

I was like, look, in her defense, this is a math class, so I don't know. But no, she was a Spanish teacher, and we were like, fuck you. We were all screaming at her, like, we're not taking this. And then she gave us, she was like, pop quiz. We're like, we're under attack. And I just wrote, fuck you on the test. Whoa. I got an F, but you know what? I was like, fuck this shit. I don't know if my mom's okay. Right. Yeah, crazy, man. This is my photo from...

I woke up, oh, let's see it. Is that connected? I woke up hungover. I was in college, and I walked downstairs, and it was tough times at the Norman household, just me being a piece of shit. And I walked down, and my dad goes, something horrible has happened. I was like, oh, God. Did I wreck the car? Did I drive through the front lawn? Did I do something? And he goes, look at the TV. And the towers were smoking. I went, oh, thank God. Oh, my God. Because I thought it was me.

But then I had two seconds later. Thank God you didn't get a DUI and 9-11 happened. We really lucked out. You selfish fuck. I wrecked my dad's car like a week before, and I was blacking out a lot. So it was a tough time, but obviously that took precedent over the...

Yeah, man. You know, uh, I remember that. I mean, we all lined up to give blood, but the lines were too long. I mean, that was like, that's how amazing New Yorkers are in times of crisis is like, we all lined up to give blood and they're like, no, we have too many people already. We're set. Yeah. We tried a few hospitals. There was no one to give blood to. Yeah. At some point. Cause no one was coming in. Uh,

- Ah. - Was injured. - Right. - Remember how much we loved firemen? That was like the firemen heyday that time. - Yeah, well firemen are still pretty beloved I think. - Yeah, but they were like in the front limelight. I love watching the docs too 'cause you hear the accents like 31st floor. You know, you gotta hear it. It's great, like thick Irish Brooklyn firemen accents. - Yeah. - Good times. - Yeah man, I remember that day, it was crazy. Really, really terrible but. - Hot take.

- I don't wanna divide anyone here, but 9/11 was bad. - I will say there was some unity amongst the country for once. - Well, 'cause it was us versus them. - Yes. - It wasn't us versus each other. - I know, I hate it. The division. My God, the division. - I mean, we liked Rudy Giuliani back then. - That's right. - Until his entire presidential campaign was 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. That was literally every line. There were compilations where we're like, yeah, dude, we know who you are.

Yeah. Rudy had a hot minute in New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was big. Broken window theory. That was his. What's that? That's like it's when you have cops take on little petty crimes like jumping the turnstile. Right. And that leads to cleaning up the city. If you catch a guy who's jumping a turnstile, he's also someone who's going to rob someone.

in the subway oh no the idea is if you take care of little things the big things will follow yes you get the seed broken window broken window theories yeah something like that but it seemed to work because crime went way down but they also did the stop and frisk it was pretty controversial is bad um i got first once did you yeah i think i was the guy they were like get him in it'll help optics so what diversity worked in your favor or against you i mean against me yeah uh

Hmm. Yeah, I got a good rec for you boys this week. Oh, I love this boy. Nobody holds a coffee cup like the Murill. I mean, look, that's a real writer right there. Really? That's a good hold. I do, but I just always hold it like this, I guess. I don't know. Pro hold. I'm like a dweeb with the handle. This looks a little weird, too. Yeah, but the above and the side, that's good. I got a big hand. Uh-huh. Here's my rec.

Old movie, not old, old, but from, I believe, the late 80s, called The Fabulous Baker Boys. Oh! Jeff Bridges, Bo Bridges. Skial Rich? No, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah! It's basically, it is like the best movie about comedy that's not about comedy. Isn't this like Train Robbing? No, that's another movie. Oh, I think it's something else. This is...

This is, they're a piano band. They're in a, they play piano together, Jeff and Bo Bridges, and they can't sell tickets. There's so many great scenes where they're like trying to get paid at the end of the night. And they're just, they're trying to get gigs. And there's a scene in the beginning where they hand them an envelope and Jeff Bridges goes, count it, count the money. Like they don't, they're always getting shorted. It's great scenes like that. Been there. But there, oh yeah. And then there's,

they're kind of struggling to get bookings and Bo, his older brother says, you know, he's the more conservative one. He's got a wife and kids he needs to provide for. Whereas Jeff, the younger brother is he's, he's more talented. He's more of an artist. I mean, it's hilarious. There's scenes where he's in like a club playing jazz, you know, and it's like black guys and they have to get black guys and they'll be like, he's good. And you're like, you got to put him over. You need a black guy in there to be like, no, he's good. Right. Right. Ultimate nod. But,

Yeah, but they're not selling tickets, so they're like, we need a woman in there. Michelle, she's an ex-prostitute, turns out has a great voice. She goes on the road with them, and it kind of goes from there. It's really good. Wow. A lot of great lines. There's a lot of great one-liners. There's a line in it where he's in the jazz club, and one of the guys goes, aren't you playing the Sheridan or something? He goes, yeah, it keeps me out of trouble. He goes, then what are you doing here? He goes, looking for trouble. Yeah!

A lot of fun lines. I love it. I've never thought about this movie. I've heard the title, but I never knew this was about a man. Well, shout out to Ronan Hirshberg, our buddy, because he was like, you got to watch it. It's so light comedy. Yes. The way they're doing the road and stuff. And the way they're hustling to survive. And then... I love these worlds where prostitutes look like Michelle Pfeiffer, too, by the way. Where's that prostitute? I've seen the ones that look like Patrick Ewing. Well...

I'm in. It's great. It's on YouTube in its entirety. I couldn't find it anywhere else, actually. But it's free on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. You got something else. The Fabulous Baker Boys. I'm in. Great rec. Good flick. Good pull. You don't mind going back in a time machine and checking out. Well, it's like the late 80s. Something about old movies gives me calm. It's like they're work.

I kind of like that. It's not even that old. It's like the late 80s, I think. But yeah, I like really old movies usually. Yeah, yeah. That's fun though. The 80s were very cookie cutter for movies, I think. But this one seems interesting. I mean, any movie that I can parallel with the wrestler, Crazy Heart, this. I like a movie. Another Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart. That's right. I felt like I like Crazy Heart, but I feel like it was kind of like the wrestler light. Similar, yeah. It was like the PG-13 wrestler. Right.

- Right. - The wrestler. - Wrestler. - Wrestler's incredible. - Incredible. - Man, something about pro wrestling gives me like, I was on the road this weekend and I was sick and I was feeling like crap in that hotel room and there's something about being sick on the road that's just so damn awful. - Oof, the worst. - And,

I'm laying in bed. I'm like, what do I do? You ever, when you're sick, you just go back to like childhood comforts. I just threw on like a wrestling match from like back in the day. Then you like dig deep in a YouTube comment hole and it's like how the wrestlers fucking hate each other. And they're like, that piece of shit didn't fall when he was supposed to fall. Gave me a concussion. You know? I love that shit. Beyond the mat. No, I hear it's great. It's great. Yeah.

Is that the one with Bret Hart? No, it's the Jake the Snake sort of doc. Oh, no. Yeah, I didn't see that. I've seen a bunch of them, but I didn't see this one. They did Andre the Giant. They did Ric Flair. And they're doing a Hulk Hogan one soon.

I was never a Hogan guy. I wasn't really either. I like Ric Flair. I was a Marshall Man guy. Oh. They all hated Hogan. They were like, it's funny, I see all these things about the political game, how guys like Hogan and Shawn Michaels weren't as well liked because they played the politics kind of. They were very talented, obviously, especially Shawn Michaels, but they weren't

Macho Man was funny, I thought. He was funnier, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like Macho Man. I like Bret Hart. I liked, you know. Shawn Michaels. He was great. Yeah, yeah. I liked that, too. I liked Hogan because he was bald. I remember thinking, like, this bald guy is hanging in there. He had the long hair with bald, and people still liked him. The long hair with bald is a rough line. I remember Russ Meneve used to have a joke where he goes, how about a bald guy with a ponytail? It looks like all your hair got together and hung itself. Oh!

Oh, I love that. That's great. Yeah, man. No, Macho Man was the best.

- Yeah, yeah. - There's a real darkness to wrestlers, like even beyond common. - Yeah. - Like they're on the road harder than we are and they're sore. - Oh yeah. - Like imagine, think about how sore we are just from flights and they're doing that shit while like fake fighting and jumping through tables and shit. - And the pills and the booze and the coke. I mean they go hard these guys and they get hit with folding chairs. - They die soon. - They die young, they gotta hit the gym, they gotta look good.

They have to invent a character like maybe The Rock and what's that guy's name? Sean, no. Mick Foley? Steve Austin. Oh, yeah. He's probably the last great character wrestler. Is there a new one now that I'm not aware of? No, we just don't watch anymore. Yeah, there's good people still. But that guy, he would stand up on the ropes, they'd throw him a beer, he would chug it. They'd throw him another beer, he would chug it. Then he would go back to the mat. I mean, he really was a spectacle. Yeah, he was a badass.

Don't forget Goldberg. Everyone hated that guy. Oh, really? Well, anti-Semitism. No, no, no. He was just a bad wrestler. He's the one who injured Bret Hart. Oh, shit. He didn't know how to properly execute the moves, so he hurt him badly. You gotta learn the moves. I think they tried to push him into prime time. All his matches were really quick because he wasn't that good, but he was the new character. It's almost like a TikTok comic doing comedy clubs. We were like, he's good on TikTok. Right, right.

He doesn't have the chops yet. Yeah. Strong guy, but it's like, you can't, I mean, that's like a fucking ballet for meatheads almost. It really is. That's a great way to put it. Ballet for meatheads.

Speaking of that, I went to see Jimmy Buffett at Red Rocks. Oh, man. How was that? That's why I needed this coffee because I destroyed my body over the three days I was with Bert Kreischer. We did two IVs back to back. Did that help? Unbelievable. You get why these rich guys do it because it's fucking awesome.

The only problem is doing that shit, you're like, when you're that hungover, your body's like, please stop doing this. - I know. - And then you get an IV and you're like, I'm gonna keep doing this. - You got that right. - Yeah. - I was drinking a mimosa with an IV in my other arm. - Oh my God. - And we went at it. I did shrooms at Buffet.

I'm not the hugest Jimmy Buffett fan, but you can't deny the good vibes. Look at that. I mean, I was standing with 10,000 people singing Cheeseburger in Paradise with a fucking shark hat on and a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt singing

And I was on shrooms with my lady. We're dancing. I'm with Bert's wife and Bert is hammered and chugging beers. I mean, it was really a special moment. Damn. Pretty cool. Looks fun. Super fun. How was it for you taking a night off comedy? Not easy. But the shrooms helped. It's tough, right? Yeah. Don't you feel like, I feel sometimes when I go to another thing, I'm like, what am I doing? I know, I know. I should be doing stand-up. Oh, all the time. The only thing I can kind of,

zone out is like a Knicks game. That's like the only thing I can be like, well, it is like my favorite thing. Yeah. But other than that, you really need to be captivated or else you're just like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm guilty. I got to get in there. You know, I love baseball, but it's too slow the whole time. I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. And here's the wind up. Yeah. We went to that Yankees game and we got lit up just because I think got a guilt. I've got a question for you, Sam. You get to pick one of two things and you only get to see it once in your life.

The Knicks win a championship. Or you play MSG. Ooh, that's easy. Well, for you, maybe. Knicks, the Knicks thing. I think he's going to pick the Knicks.

Well, you're saying me or another person. You'll never see one again. You'll never see another championship. He's going to watch the Knicks until he dies. Here's what I'll say. It's a good question. Championship means less to me than just being run competently. Ah. Like, I am okay with losing. I just want to lose. Like, my favorite team ever is the 90s Knicks. They never won. Interesting. I love the 90s Yankees so much. They won.

My favorite team is a team that never won. So I'm okay with not winning. So I will probably choose me here. But at the same time, I really do love that. And also here's the problem is like, oh, that was a bad-ass team. Look at that.

- Yeah. - Men were men, baby. - Yeah. - They represented the city and they did it with style. - Oh yeah. - No, they were a great team. I just wanna be cool and competitive again. Also, if they get too good, I'm never gonna get tickets. - Good point, good point. - I love it.

I mean, look, I really want to see him win for sure. But also it's like you have to take a moment sometimes with sports and be like, does this really affect my life? Right, right. You know? That's true. Good, that's good. I think that's healthy. Knicks are the one, like I'm a Knicks fan and a Giants fan, a Yankees fan. And the Giants beat Tom Brady twice in the Super Bowl. So I'm kind of like, I'm set on football for life. And I better be at the Super Bowl.

watching the Giants the last few years. Holy shit. Yikes. But Yankees too. I'm like set for life. I got to live through Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada and Bernie Williams and Tino. And like, those were like some of the coolest teams ever. Like I love Paul O'Neill. I love those guys, dude. But you know,

The Knicks, they never won. And I'm like, eh, you know. Then you see some of these kids who grew up like in Boston where their teams won every year. They're like 20 in Boston. Like, oh, you just never knew what losing was like. That's bad for a kid. You just become a fair weather little shithead. I hate fair weather fans. I think it's like it exposes lack of character.

Like you're like, oh, you're a Dolphins, Yankees, and Chicago Bulls fan. Yeah, it's like one of the things where you're like, oh, you're a fan of all the teams that were the best when you were a kid and you just stuck it out so you think that means you have character. But it's like, no, you got to win. Right. You're shitty. I think that like...

I think if you're a loyal sports fan, you're often loyal to people. And I think it's other, it's not just that. - Yeah, it's like saying, what's your favorite restaurant? McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. Like, come on, man, get in there.

How is it like that? Ah, shit. Well, it's just an easy answer. Like, oh, you like the one that everybody else likes. It's mainstream. I didn't think that was weird. I mean, my thing is like, I have friends who are like, one of my good friends, Dory, I shit him all the time. He was a Lakers fan during the Shaq and Kobe era. Now he's a Warriors fan. And I'm like, you're a fucking bitch, Dory. And he's going to mad at me for saying this. But I'm like, Dory. And he'll be like, well, I'm from the Bay Area. And I'm like, but you grew up a Lakers fan.

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I was watching his 9-11 doc that's on HBO all the time now. The one about the levees? Oh, that's Katrina. Sorry. It's like New York over the last 20 years, basically. It's like a 15-part doc. Okay. His daughter's in it. Her name is Satchel. Like Woody Allen. Woody Allen has a...

son named satchel baseball player satchel page both named after satchel page wow that's fun what are the chances like woody allen directors both directors both new yorkers interesting both knicks fans i think the only two kids in the country named satchel have to be theirs no there's other there's a couple satchels out there it's not even a real name it was a name satchel page i think it's a nickname i think geez you know what i'm gonna name my kid luke eric's disease

Morel. It's a long one. I knew a comic back in the day, Glenn Coyle, rest in peace, Glenn, very funny guy. He said, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. I love it. That's great. He was a funny bastard. All right, let me give you a weird rec. I'm off on this, because this fucking Norm thing is right in my asshole. It's fucking horrible. Horrible. I keep forgetting, and then you remember again, and you want to just end it all. But...

- Get yourself one of these and thank me later.

Jambox. I'm talking a little bit, little thing, the size of a coffee mug you can put in your suitcase. It's a speaker. Speaker for your Bluetooth. Little one. Yeah, one of those. The smaller the better. Bring it to your hotel room. I like to play my podcast out loud. I play a little music out loud. Not to an annoying level, but like, not, you know, Puerto Rican Day Parade, but just like a little tune, and you play it in the shower. It's great. I get it in my apartment. I got it in a hotel room.

Give it a shot. It's good for a backyard. Get yourself one of those jam boxes or pills or whatever you call them. Yeah, they are good. I like those. They're good. They're underrated because they come in handy. We were sitting out during Red Rocks like in the in the lawn and somebody had one. I was like, thank God you have this thing. They're great. It's crazy how good we are at avoiding conversation now. Oh, I was thinking about that. I was watching a show on on the Comedy Central app.

On my TV. You're the one. But it had commercials. And I was like, so every time there'd be a commercial, my girlfriend and I would like talk about what we just saw. I was like, oh, we don't do that. Right. It's like weird that you're like, oh shit, I used to do this with every show. You'd watch something, there'd be a commercial, you'd talk. Now it's like,

Literally the episode's over, starting next episode, four, three, two, one. - Yeah. - You're like, oh shit, all right. - We can't have a moment to ourselves, we freak out. - It's anxiety, man. - Yeah. - Or like when you have an awkward moment, the phones, I mean, the little jam box thing too, it's like you're hanging, you're like fuck, what are we gonna do? - Yeah. - Thank God. - Thank God there's noises. - Yeah. - Yeah, no, you're right, you're right. I mean, even if you're walking down the sidewalk, oh, you get the red light.

I got four seconds. I look at my phone. You know, we all do it. You got to, we can't have a second. I lost my phone last week. I left it in an Uber. I was crushed. I was walking around like, who am I? Where am I? I didn't know who's contacting me. What's in the news today? It was, it was a nightmare. Then I got it back two days later, but it was like, it was weird. It felt like you feel disconnected from earth, which is sad. Yeah, no, it's true. And the,

- These sounds, there's something about comfort when you're traveling all the time, like just noise. Even if it's a show I don't like, I just throw on like, it's like Chopped on Food Network. - Same. - And I'm like, I don't even like watching this, but it's just there. - It's just there. - I'd rather have like, - Ambient. - Consistent than good. - Yes, yes. - I feel comfortable. - I play a podcast to go to, I go to bed to podcast 'cause I just don't want the silence. - Damn. - It's not good. - Yeah, it's not good. - And I did that as a kid too. - I get wound up.

- As long as we're doing audio book is more comforting. Podcast is too tight. How do you go to bed to, is it like a NPR podcast? - Yeah, I go like a serious one, like Freakonomics or Radiolab or something like that where it's just kind of droney and I'm out. - I can do like an audio book, but I can't do like, yeah. - That works too. - I guess it's like the same shit though. - But you're right, man. We are juiced up. We need to be constantly entertained, constantly distracted.

distracted. I mean, can you even imagine taking a shit without a phone in your hand? Oh! Somebody once told me, they didn't get back to me, they were like, sorry, I was shitting. I was like, who shits without a phone? You're obviously lying, yeah. You would have seen that while shitting and wiping. So, I got him on that one. But, yeah, just think like 1996, we just took a shit.

Just stared at the wall. Usually you had a book or a newspaper, George Carlin, brain droppings or something in there. Right. Or you'd have books behind the toilet. Oh, I still have toilet books. Calvin and Hobbes. How about the dirtiest jokes or whatever? Remember those thick inappropriate. Oh man. Those got me through some real diarrhea. I remember those old jokes, like the dirty ones. Like remember the one where the, this is one of my favorite ones. The one, the guy, uh,

He's shit-faced and he comes home. Before he goes home, the bartender's like, he's like, my wife's going to kill me. What do I do? The bartender goes, put a $10 bill in your front pocket. Say someone vomited on your shirt because he vomited on his shirt. He's like, no, no, just put, and your wife won't get mad. He gave you 10 bucks for the dry clean. And he goes, that's great. He goes home. His wife's like, what the fuck happened? He goes, someone vomited on my shirt. He gave me $10. She pulls it out. This is a 20. He goes, he also shit in my pants. Ah!

Ah, great joke. Great joke. Dirty jokes like that I love. Oh, yeah. I used to read those. And you get hemorrhoids because you never want to get off the toilet. Those were great. It was like pre-Twitter, you know? Yeah, those were great. Why is my poop pink? Oh, because this was a good book. What was that old one? A guy kicks his trailer door open. His gigantic wife is sitting on a Barka lounger.

and the guy's holding a duck and the guy goes, this is the pig I've been fucking. And the wife goes, that's not a pig, it's a duck. He goes, I was talking to the duck. That is just classic, classic comedy. Not mine. I think that's a new heart. But either way, good times. Those books were, somebody had to think of those. Oh, you know what I loved back in the day? Do you guys, were you familiar with Snaps? Oh,

- Oh, what are you kidding? - Come on, you knew snaps. - I went to public school. - Al Jaffe snaps? - No, they were like, dude. - That was the saddest thing I've ever heard. - Dude, they're like, they're books of insult.

So I would show up to school. People thought I was a genius for a while because I was in like second grade rattling off insults. Like someone would say something to me. I'd be like, oh yeah, your mom's, your mom's so old she doesn't have milk in her tit. She's got sour cream. And everyone would be like, oh shit. I'd be like, yeah, your mom's legs are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread. Yeah. And that's what propelled you to become a comic.

Although I was a young boy who was stealing the material of snaps. But yeah, oh my God, you're like, oh, your mom's so fat when she puts on high heels, she strikes oil. I'll tell you, she's all right. Your mom's so old when the gods had let there be light, she hit the switch. Your mom's so dumb, I said it was chilly outside, she got a bowl. I mean, there was a million of them. Your mom's so fat when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

ah some were better than others but yeah some weren't great but they i mean man you you yeah they lost steam by i think the third book they were just like like yeah they just got an advance or something some of these are and some all the moms out there like what did i do what the fuck i know why me dude we would rattle those off and it was like oh yeah it was great same that was like the new duel

It was like you weren't gonna shoot somebody, but you were gonna verbally go at them. Rap battle almost. Yeah, that was good stuff.

Everybody had them too. Everybody had their one in their back pocket. Snaps. Good times. What were the other ones? You had to make fun back then because there wasn't fun. Your mom's so thin she could hula hoop in a Cheerio. Oh, yeah. A dumb one. But thin is kind of a compliment. You say skinny. Thin is a compliment. You say, you're so skinny. Your mom's so fat she uses the equator as a belt. I think that was one. Oh, here we go. When your mom's so fat when she goes camping she hides...

They hide their food. That's fun. That's a good one. I'm so fat. She stepped on a scale and said to be continued. These are clever. These are good. Your mom's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas. That's good. Oh, remember that one? Your mom's so fat, I slapped her ass and I rode the wave. Oh, that was a good one. That was a big one. That's a good one, yeah. Strikes oil. There's yours. Wow. Yeah, yeah. This is just Sam's joke book right here. Your mom's so fat, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl. Come on.

Play on words. Snaps would do well on Twitter. Oh, your mom's so fat her blood type is ragu. I forgot about that one. They do that one on The Sopranos. I think that's a polywonus. He says it again. He goes, you hear what I said? I said she's so fat her blood type is ragu. He repeats it. That's right.

Oh, man, your mom's so fat, her character in Star Wars would be Admiral Snackbar. That one's rough. That's a long way to go. Long, hell of a reference. Hell of a reference. What about, the ones about the mom being loose are funny, too. Oh, yeah. Even Rodney is kind of, has like a... But they're about himself. Exactly, yeah. He's like, man, I'm so fat, I dropped a...

Oh, that's a classic. Your mom is so ugly, she threw a boomerang and refused to come back. Oh, 29. Your mom's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. That's a classic. When I was a kid, it took her two hours to make Minute Rice. So that's just a little skew on that one.

She put airbags on her computer 'cause it crashed. - Eh, it's not a good one. Stupid is the harder one. - Yeah. - This one is a 60 minutes one. It is like, it is, you know, look, the mom, it's like the mom is the most offensive thing. - Yes. - I'm like, why aren't there more father jokes? But like the mom is the most hurtful thing you could say. - Of course. We're trying to sting here. By the way, blonde jokes and Polack were big and those are just over. - They're not that good. - They're not that good, but it also shows if you kinda like don't complain, they go away. 'Cause you wanna zing somebody.

So if you're like, hey, you Polack, then you don't even do it anymore. The Polish were too dumb to complain. There you go. Blonde jokes were big. Those are over. Those are over. Too many people are dying their hair now. That's true. It's fake blondes. Hold on. Let me get some other stuff. You got a peeve? I got one I did. I did this to my girlfriend. I do this sometimes. I don't know why I do this. A lot of people, I think, do this. But

I got, we were getting a snack for the movie and I had like a little pin on a popcorn bag and I grabbed it and I said, oh, these are, these might be old even with the pin. So I said, let me try. I tried it. I was like, it's not good. And I handed it to her like for her to confirm that it wasn't good. Uh,

- Ah, yes. - Why didn't I just accept that it wasn't good and throw it out? I was like, you try the bad thing as well. - Yes. - I do that with milk sometimes. I'm like, I think it's expired here. - Yeah, we do do that. - Don't you do that? We all do that. It's an annoying thing that I was like, I'm busting myself now. I'm not just calling out other people's peeves. I wanna hold myself accountable. - Yeah, this tastes terrible. You try it. Yeah, is this beer skunk? This is skunk. You always have your friend try it. Yeah, that's a thing we do.

I don't know if that's a peeve, but it's a... If someone else does it, it is. I guess so. Let's see what else. Yeah, I don't know. What about this for a peeve? You ever have this one? You ever make a good point? Like you're kind of arguing with a guy and you make a good point. He goes, that's fair. No, no, I'm right.

- That's fair. - I'm right, you're wrong. That's not fair, I'm right. - His wording suggests that, but he's not outright saying it. - I guess so. - He's found a way around giving you complete credit. - That's what it is, I want the credit. You go two plus two is five, I say no, it's two plus two is four, he goes that's fair. No, no, no, that's correct.

- Yeah. - It's just a tag on your peeve. - Please. - Someone says, "Am I right or am I right?" - That's hilarious. - Oh my God. Am I right or am I right? You're fucking annoying. - Yeah, good point. Am I right or am I right? - I think you should fucking sit on a pair of scissors. Am I right or am I right? - Yeah, come on.

- This is kind of a smart business move. You can't lose, right? - Am I right or am I right? Yeah, but you know the person who coined that was like a fucking asshole. - Oh, no doubt about it. - There's no way that guy wasn't the worst. - Yeah. - How about the person that was like, "Working hard or hardly working?" Oh, clever, thanks. - Yeah, that was big the first time in 1804 when the guy said that. - That was a real cheese dick.

who said it was never a cool person. - Right, right. Oh man, those cubicle kinda like office jokes are brutal. - Yeah. - Yeah, million dollars short of a million dollars or whatever the fuck it was. What was that one? You know that one.

I'm a million dollars short of a millionaire. Yeah, it's always a how you doing? Just give me a fucking good. I know. Just say good. Keep it moving. Don't even say, I'll give you hanging in there because we're all struggling right now. That is like the process of like over time it changes. Like 20s, you're like, I'm good. 30s, you're like, I'm hanging in there. 40s, you're like, you know. Right.

- Right, right. - You know how I'm doing. Shut the fuck up. - That's bit potential. - That's a bit? - Potential, potential. - I'll tell you, this guy's all right. He's clocking bits. - How about this one? Oh, you just got in, huh? Thanks for bringing the weather with you. - Oh yeah. - Well, that doesn't make sense. - Yeah, that was me. I'm Storm from the X-Men, asshole. - Yeah, right, right. I'm Katrina in the waves. All right, you got a bit?

Do you have a pee? Oh, you do have a pee. Okay, yeah. Here's my bit idea. It's not much. I just nodded down, but goddamn, getting the push notifications now on Norm. Here's what I got. Jesus. Something about like, you want to get an adult woman in the mood, just apologize to her. That's what it is now. Nothing gets a woman more turned on when you're like, hey, I've been thinking about what I said to you earlier and it really wasn't fair to you.

You know what I mean? - That's hot. - Like young women, they wanna be taken to a concert. Old women, they just want you to swallow your pride. That turns them on. They are willing to do that for them. Because young women need excitement and adult women, they just need a win. - Right, they need validation. - You know what I mean? There's something there. - Yeah, yeah, for sure. You need a perfect example. You know, like-- - Get that crack in my neck. - That was a doozy. - That's for real.

What is a good, yeah, you know, if you're like, you know what, I don't take you out enough or something where you give in and then you let her win, you know, like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just like kissing her and I'm like, you're right. I really do have a lot of work to do on myself or something. Yeah, that's hot. That's dirty talk right there. Because women want to know that a man can improve. Mm-hmm.

- What a great system. - They always want to improve you. They're trying to improve you. - Yes. - We're like stocks. Women buy low and they just hope. - Sometimes you crash. - Yeah. - Yeah, let's call a divorce what it really is. We crashed, right? - Right, yeah, we plummeted. Yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah, but the funny thing about women is they want you to improve, but they're not really doing the improving. You've got to do it. You can't really do that with a house or something. If you want your house to be fixed up, you've got to fix the house. But she wants you to improve from the inside.

They do work sometimes. They're like, what if you did this? They make suggestions. Suggestions. Yeah. But it's like, hey, how about you help me? You come to therapy with me. You teach me how to do this and that. Can you imagine giving your girlfriend or fiance one bit of advice to get better, how that would go over? I've done it. And how did it go over? She's dead now. No, no. She took it. She's cool. My lady played sports, and I think that kind of helped her a lot.

They just toughen you up. You can take criticism. And she's one of those people like, I want to know. I want to know. Like, tell me. Nothing worse than the lady's like, do I look fat in this? And you're like, a little. And they're like, fuck you. It's like, well, don't ask me. Mark picks the wrong time to be a truth teller. Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to be the Lenny Bruce of how do I look. All right. But if I look fat in something, I'd want you guys to tell me.

But you know that you and your girlfriend are not fat. I know, but tell her that. She doesn't know. You tell her that. It's your girlfriend. I did, and I got the waterworks. No, I'm joking. Yeah, I think there's some potential here. There's something here. Yeah, for sure. I like that. What do you got? I got a lady bit, too. Do you? Yes. How's that going to hold on to your penis? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

So I've been with my gal for a while now, and you learn when you're with a lady, in the beginning, the private parts are the genitals, and after a while, when you're with a girl, the private parts are kind of meaningless because you've been there, done that. The stomach is the new private part. I touch my girlfriend's boob, she's like, hey, how you doing? If I touch her stomach, she's like, what the fuck, are you crazy? Oh, wow. And you know, it's like, that is more private now.

than the tits. - You've proven you're safe to the vagina. - Right. - But it's much harder to prove you're safe to the stomach. - Yes. - It's like the stomach lets you in and you bypass the stomach to get to the vagina. - Uh-huh. - But then you're on your way back and they're like, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" - Interesting. Well, I've been thinking about this bit and I think the reason the stomach is so private and secretive is because it fluctuates.

The boobs are kind of always. The boobs fluctuate. The vagina doesn't. I mean, over years. But the stomach. Unless you have kids. You can have a bad weekend and the stomach changes. You can go off the rails with some cookies and some ice cream, you know. And no girl has ever said, oh, my God, my high school reunion is coming up. I got to get these tits into shape. You know what I mean? The stomach, though, it's kind of a barometer for where you're at. Sometimes the stomach gets bigger. So do the tits.

- That's true. - I think the thing that's interesting, something about like what's the thing that lets you in, it's easy to get in, then it's hard to get out. Think of something like that. - Oh, interesting. - How does that connect? - It's almost, well, 'cause the stomach at first is not a big deal, but then you go to the vagina, but then you're going back up. To me it's something about like, it's almost like a relationship. It's easy to get in, it's hard to get out.

- I don't know, I might be being too out there with this one. - That's interesting, I see where you're going. - Okay, let's go back to your, so, 'cause the stomach changes? - Yeah, the stomach changes. The stomach is like where you're at. You go to the gym to work on your stomach. You're not working on your tits at the gym. - Right. - That's my point. - Some people get their tits reduced to work on their stomach at the gym. - That's true, yeah. - I think I had something which is both need to be filled to be satisfied.

- Oh, that was your line. - Stomach and tit. - That's good. - No. - Oh, and vagina. - Vagina. - But you don't have to be filled. - Some gals like a nice fill-up, I think. - A cream pie? - No, no, I mean like dick size. - Oh, okay. - I'm not talking about, jeez. - Well, fill-up sounds like filling up a tank, yeah. - Full, no. - Something has to be put in them to be satisfied? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, that's better. - That's better, better worded, yeah.

Now we're cooking. That's a good tag. That's a good line. But I think there's something there because the stomach changes, and I think that might be the official angle, like the meat of the bit. Don't touch my stomach. Yeah, well, even though... I've known you for years. We've had all kinds of sex. We've done everything in the bedroom, but the stomach is still like, whoa, Jesus. Don't touch that. It's kind of fascinating.

Stomach for the woman is like the butthole for the man. Oh, now we're cooking. Well, you're like, you can touch it, but you better give me a fucking heads up. All right. Now that's an angle. Butthole for the man. That's the name of my album. I like it. It's true. All right. Moving on. I just thought about Norm again. I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. I get it. It's tough. What a day. Brutal.

Life is tough. Life is hard. All right. I just want to give a toast to Neil Diamond.

Did he die? No, he's alive. Okay. Why Neil Diamond? I just think he's underrated in general. I love Neil Diamond. I was going to ask a question towards the end of the pod, which I think we're coming to, right? Sorry, that came out of nowhere, the Neil Diamond thing. So people like Norm, we didn't get to tell him how much we appreciated him in the last months before he passed, even if he wanted that. But is there someone you could think of who's alive right now that would like to hear how much you appreciate them? I mean, I just heard you say...

Not Newhouse. What's his name? Newhart. You mentioned Bob Newhart. He's still alive. He is? Yeah, he is. He still performs. Yeah, he was so tight with Rickles, who lived a long time as well, I think, who performed till the very end as well.

Yeah, I mean, I think we tell them. I think they know. I think the people we know know. But if it's comics like that that we don't... Pick someone like you don't know, like a Newhart who would love to hear it. I mean, if he's listening or someone passes it to him, like, oh. Older comics, older comics. Anyone. It doesn't have to be a comic. Could be a director. Could be a writer. Could be a musician. Excuse me. We always wait until it's too late. Norm's not going to hear any of this stuff we've been talking about how much we love him.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna do Cosby. All right, now, let's see. Yeah, I mean, comedy comes to mind, but I mean, I just love Quentin Tarantino, I love Scorsese. - The Coen brothers. - I love Bill Murray, Coen brothers, yeah. - I love Lily Tomlin, man. - Lily Tomlin's great. - I really do. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's hard because there's so many and it's hard to be specific, but when they die, you're just zoned in on them. But it's a good point. We always worship people after they die. Like, this is going to sound dark and morbid. Like, Dave Attell is one of the funniest guys on the planet. And he will die one day, as we all will. And I think he's going to get...

propped up and blown and put on a pedestal as he should, but I think he should have that more now. I wish everyone would go out and see Dave Attell on the road. Agreed. And I think they do. I think he does well on the road, but I think also just you should know that he is one of the greats of all time and also a great guy. Great guy.

See Dave if you're on the road. Support Dave's comedy because he's influenced all of us. We love him so much. Hear, hear. Yeah, so it tells a big one. Yeah, because when he dies, it's going to be like genius, comedy savant, blah, blah, blah. Also, you never know what's going to happen to somebody. Norm came out of nowhere. Mulaney goes to rehab. He could have been hurt. You got to just...

Everyone's got a struggle that we don't know about. - That's the thing I'm looking for. - And as cheesy as that shit sounds, I didn't know Norm Macdonald had cancer. - I didn't either. - I didn't know that. - For Chadwick Boseman, we didn't know he had cancer. - Chadwick Boseman, who was a great actor and only would have been bigger. - Oh, he was to the moon. - He was gonna be a megastar. He was gonna be fuckin' Denzel. - Hoffman. - Yeah.

Yeah, there you go. I mean, look at Bruce Jenner. The guy was going through this mental strife all these years. And then like, you just never know. People are going, he won the decathlon. He's, he must be the healthiest guy ever. Not mentally. You never know. So be more empathetic is what Mark is also saying, I think, which is something that I've had to work on for sure.

Good translator. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like Chewbacca, you're Han Solo. I'm like, you translate it to the masses. Something about the Jews? I don't know. Chewbacca. Chewbacca. Beach of there, Hawaiian. Also,

this episode's out that means that mad and my documentary is out mark's got a big role in it uh it's called full capacity it's on my youtube channel it's gonna be uh really good so i hope you guys watch it uh give it a thumbs up share it send it to a friend mark's in it taylor tomlinson colin quinn ronnie chang ray romano dave attell sam jay chris redd so many uh

Sal Vulcano, Chris D. Sal Vulcano, Chris DiStefano. So many of your favorite people in it. Matt did such a great job with it. Yes. It's kind of a follow-up to the rooftop thing we did. Give a shout-out to the editor, too. He killed it. Comedian Eric Scott. Eric Scott knocked it out of the park. Killed her. Knocked it out. This wouldn't exist without him. This wouldn't exist without him. And not only that, it wouldn't have the arc and the story that it has without him. Yes, yes. He's a talent. He really...

It's nice when a comedian edits something because they understand where to cut. They understand how to give it a story. They understand how to give it an arc. And, like, I'm very proud of what he did. I screened it for Mark, and Mark said, oh, this is paced like a comedian set. Yes. And I was like, oh, it's perfect. Blocked out perfectly. Like, this section, this section, this section comes around at the end. It's really well done. I liked it. I saw... I got Misty. I mean, it's a great...

- It's a great time capsule for that moment. - It's about when the pandemic, you know, when clubs just opened in New York and what we'd all been through is comics and, you know, and kind of getting back into it, we're all rusty, it's kind of that whole ride. So I hope people liked it. - Yes, yes. And if you want to see what New York comedy is like, I feel like you captured it pretty damn well. So here, here and to Norm, come on. One to Norm. One of the funniest guys ever, one of my heroes. So sad.

I know it's been a week now since the news is out, but we just found out. So, uh, check out his stuff. I mean, it's the, that's the only thing you can do. Yeah. One of the greats. One of the greats. Take it easy. Uh, plug some date. Oh, geez. Yeah. Come see us be hilarious at, uh, all kinds of Nashville. I'm at Zany's. Love that club. Love that town. Uh, comedy connection in Providence, comedy on state in Wisconsin. Uh,

Rochester, New York. Let's see. Portland, Helium. Laugh, Boston. Good rooms. Oh, yeah. Brea, California. Vancouver, B.C. New Orleans. Royal Oak, Michigan. Atlanta, Buckhead Theater. All kinds of dates.

Hopefully we got a Netflix cooking on November 1st, so keep an eye out for that. We have two specials online. Check out the doc. Where are you going to be there, Fetty? St. Louis, Indianapolis, Springfield, Missouri, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix, SF.

Small Theater in New York coming up too, so keep your eyes open on that. And then, what else? - San Francisco on the 11th. - Yeah, yeah, I got SF. Yeah, yeah, all these tickets are at samuel.com/shows. And then we also got,

- And we also got Buffalo in Dallas in December. Samorell.com/shows. See you, yeah, we're gonna do a quick one for Norm. - Just a quick little one, we gotta do it. We got some great-- - We weren't gonna drink this episode, but fuck, man, you gotta honor one of the greats. - One of the toasts, just a toast for him. Gimme that. Angel's envy. - Do you have a thing? - I'll be fine. I got some coffee in here, we'll be good. - You can do it with coffee? - Eh, just a little backwash.

Never hurt anybody. This is good. Cheers. Hey, to one of the great comedians of all time, and we love you, Norm. You got that right. Big fan. Hero. RIP.