Ep 40: My Paloma!
01:29:05 Share

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah.

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. I'm still hurting from that corpse reviver. Holy shit. That thing kicked me in the ass. He said to have, what, one, right? Yeah. We went back down. We had the, what, three or four? Yeah, yeah. We did a Patreon. We just kept going. And I was laying on my couch at about 7 p.m. going, I can't go out. I had gigs. I had to go out and get Chipotle to, like,

stuffed that fucking liquor down. I was not doing well. No, I was cranky. I called the booker. I yelled at him. I did a spot at the cellar in that first couple minutes. You know when those first couple minutes you're like, oh, I'm drunk. Yeah, I do know those minutes. I'm not like hammered. I'm aware of what I'm saying, but I'm a step slow here. Yes. I had a beard even out. I was that guy. It feels like you're swimming with weights on. Yes. I can still swim, but...

I'm not going to win a race. No, no, no. Even though you look like Michael Phelps, you're fucked. From the face up, which is not a good feeling. You never want that compliment. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You're way hairier, too. You'd be way slower. Oh, my God. Just that Jewish locks floating behind. Chest hair looks rough in the pool. I remember being around my dad in the pool, and it was like coming out to here. Yeah, no one wants to swim next to George the Animal Steel. That's not a great lap partner.

By the way, all those people out there, you get drunk before a show, you have one to loosen up. It's all a myth. The booze slows you down. It's like saying, oh, you're going to the MMA fight. You get a couple of pops in you. No, you got to be fresh. You got to be sharp.

Yeah, we're better sober, obviously. I mean, there's some comics who do it. Like Stan Hope, I feel like, has always done it. Yeah, he's almost gone over the hump where he's like normal drunk. Well, when you're a full-fledged alcoholic, you're probably, you don't know how to perform sober. Exactly. Whatever you're used to. I guess you can pull it off if you become a full-on...

Yeah. Yeah. But it takes a couple of years of hitting your wife and abandoning your kids and DYs and all that. So you got to really commit to it. Did you see those guys in the heyday? The Dave Attels, the Geraldos, like drinking back there, like Nick Griffin drank, all these guys. Well, I never, I wasn't around, were you? No, but I remember you used to go to shows at least. Yeah. I remember went to see Attel live in like 2004 and he did like a Jaeger shot on stage. Wow.

That's wild. Jaeger. Yeah. I saw, we've all seen Bert. I mean, Bert drinks, you know, to pick up his kids. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. Who,

Who else? He drinks to get the nerve to drive. That's how he drinks. Yeah. He blows in a breathalyzer and it's like, not drunk enough. This car won't start. Oh my God. Have you ever been picked up by someone who has one of those? No. I did a gig once. It was, forget what club it was. It was in the Midwest. And, uh,

The guy they sent me to pick me up at the airport, he had to blow into it to start the car. Wow. Because I guess he got a DUI, which is like, it makes you feel like a real high up on the comedy list. Yeah. You're like, oh, this is my ride. This is who you chose? The guy you flipped his Toyota two months ago. Thanks for sending me Tiger Woods. Jesus Christ. I'd rather Caitlyn Jenner pick me up at the airport, for fuck's sake. At least you'll hit the guy on the road, not you. Well, yeah.

- Was that Bruce? Was it Katelyn? - It was Katelyn. - It was Katelyn. - Yeah, it was once she became a woman. That was the punchline. - There you go. - That was the whole thing. So he's picking up, we're driving, and he'd have to pull over to blow into it just to make sure he didn't start once he did that. - Whoa. - That's how little they trusted him. They're like, "We're gonna give you a pop quiz every once in a while. You gotta pull over." - So how does it work? Does the car, it's just click, click, click, and then he goes, and then it starts up?

I guess. Wow. And then I remember he got pissed at me because I was like, oh, this is hilarious. I'll do like an Instagram story to promote the gigs. I'm like, oh, they sent the best ride here. He was like, please, please don't. I'm like, all right, so I won't. I've been through enough. My wife left me. Then I realized, oh, he's a person. I'm an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Well, Christopher Reeves.

God rest his soul. He had that machine, that wheelchair, and he would operate it with his breath because he was paralyzed. So he would like... Damn. So imagine if you played a prank on him. You put the breathalyzer thing up to that. You're like, I'm sorry, Chris. You had a champagne coulis earlier. You're not going anywhere. All right, what are we drinking tonight? Sorry. What are we doing? Today we just have basically a classic Paloma. The Barjoo with a Paloma. We got...

Tequila, grapefruit juice, soda water, a little lime, and I put a little rosemary in there just for a little bit of aromatics. This is gorgeous. But other than that, very simple, a little salt rim as well. You've kicked it up a notch. Yeah. Look at this. Look at that. But it's also very easy to make at home, you know? Come on. I heard the Mexicans, when they eat ass, they put a little salt on the rim. That's cocaine, actually. They hit a lime. Yeah.

This looks good. That looks delicious. I mean, you're going to get laid tonight, baby. What is the... Is there like a history? It's a Mexican drink, right? The Paloma? Yeah, so a lot of people think that...

In the 1860s, there was some huge hit song called Paloma, and they think it was named after that. My, my, my, Paloma. Yeah. But it just started out in a huge hotel in Mexico, in Cancun, I think, but I'm not sure. You can't quote me on that. All right, good. That is refreshing, dude. It's one of the most popular tequila drinks in the world, actually, besides the margarita. Margarita's number one. This is Garfunkel. Yeah. Yeah.

- I'll forget it right after it's over. - It's good, it tastes almost like

Just like kind of not too sweet, which I like. I know. It's like a grapefruity refreshing summer drink. Yeah, like the traditional one actually uses like grapefruit soda. But I just made it with soda, like red grapefruit juice and soda water just so people at home can make it. Because grapefruit soda is kind of a bitch to find. Oh, really? Haritos or something, do they do it? I don't know if Haritos does it, but you can probably find a flavor like that. Oh, some people in the South use squirt. Oh, wow. Damn. My ex-

David Tell joke. My ex was a squirter. Tried to have a romantic dinner with candlelight. She blew him out. But that is so good. It almost sounds like if you're a drunk cop, you're like, Paloma. All right.

I gotta get out of here. Dip your waiter. This is good, man. Grapefruit is underrated. Underrated, especially in a drink. It gets a bad rap. I feel like grapefruit is hip to shit on. Grapefruit... I've seen comics get a punchline with that. Grapefruit sucks. And you're just like, it's fucking good. I hate to say it, but one of our favorite comedians... But that's a good bit. That's a great bit. He tackles grapefruit with a chunk of grape lines. This is why Gary Goldman's great, because...

He does it for like seven minutes Yes It's not like But I've seen comics do it as like a cop out Where they're like oh like the grapefruit And you're like you gotta have more than just that Yeah But Goldman has a great take of like When you have a tumor it's the size of a grapefruit That's what you compare it to is a tumor It's so perfect And he said it ruins a whole He's got this is one of the great lines in comedy

it ruins the whole fruit salad when there's a grapefruit. He's like, it takes down everyone like a 10th grade pothead. Oh, wow. Oh, man. Damn. He's a great writer, that Gull. He's a great comic. Mm. This is a problem because this is sneaky. I could drink 12 of these.

Yeah, this is good, man. Man, the Mexicans do it right. They really, Mexican food is probably like the easiest food. Yeah. Because I feel like everyone, unless you have some dairy thing, but other than that, everyone is on board with Mexican. It's got to be the most popular cuisine in America, don't you think? Probably like ethnic cuisine, yeah. Don't you think? Oh, yeah, for sure. San Diego, that's all they talk about. San Antonio, that's all they talk about. LA, holy shit, they're like, we have Mexican food. We have it everywhere. Ha, ha, ha.

But ours is better. Look, it's... It is better. It is. LA, it pains me to give anything to LA, but we got to play it fair. They've got better Mexican food. You have a burrito in San Diego. As the kids say, it hits different. It's got some weird green sauce in there, and they put the lime and the radish. It's fucking great. The radish is underrated. You ever throw a little butter on a radish? What?

Dude, that's a fucking good move. Butter on a radish. I'm telling you, the French, man. Wait a minute. You just take a full radish. You slice it. You put a little butter on it. I've never heard of such a thing. Matt, can you look that up to tell me am I crazy? I saw Bourdain do that. I've been doing that ever since. That's a hot move, man. The radish with butter. You know Bourdain ate ass.

I mean, imagine if he didn't eat a woman's ass. He'd be like, are you kidding me? I watched you eat like a snake's heart. Yeah, but you go, the snake's heart tasted good. Yeah. Wow. Radish and sweet butter. I'm telling you, it's pretty good. Oh, kosher. I didn't know this was some kind of a Hebrew thing you were sliding in. I'm not trying to sneak this one in. I think there's a French thing. Hmm.

Radishes with butter and salt. There you go. It's pretty good. It sounds like a nice light lunch. It's nice. Yeah. Nice little snack. Mexicans, also great beer, by the way. I love a Modelo. I love a Dos Equis. Negro Modelo or do you go Especial? I go Especial. I go Negro. Oh.

Easy. I said Negro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I go Especial. I like it a little lighter. And then the soul is great. I mean, even a Tecate is solid. Tecate is a good cheap beer. Yeah. That's like the Mexican PBR. Exactly. And it's way better. It's way better. PBR sucks. It sucks. I see people. I saw someone with one of my shows drinking a PBR and I said, what do you really want? It's on me. Ha.

That's a great move. The on me is big. You can afford it. That's nice. The PBR is like, I mean, even Milwaukee's best beats the shit out of PBR. I agree. I agree. And I would drink 22 ounces of those fuckers one after one in Brooklyn just because it was so cheap. I used to drink so many 40s, Old English, Cold 45. They were just cheap and they were like, it was kind of fun to have a 40 because it

This is going to sound really pathetic, but it felt satisfying to finish one. It did, yeah. That last sip, you're like, I did it. It's the worst kind of accomplishment. It's true, but it was so thick, that malt liquor, and it got you real fucked up. Did you ever do Edward Forty Hands?

Oh, you have to strap them both to your hands? I never did that, but I mean, we got fucked up. I've seen people do that. We did it. The only thing I'm good at is I have a big bladder because of bed wetting, and my dad made me not piss all day because he's a cunt. But I could drink two of them and not pee, and my friend's like, this is unbelievable. Yeah.

It was the best moment of my life. That is pretty impressive. I pee nonstop. I'm like a fucking 80. I don't know how it's going to get worse. Oh, my God. You got a bladder of a grapefruit. It's horrible, man. I wake up literally...

every two hours i feel like what yeah i wake up a lot oh no i'm also just i'm just an irritable human being i'll be like my neck will hurt i'll piss i'll just wake up early i'll just like my girlfriend just wake up and she'll be like you're just awake i'm like yeah yeah i have that too but just because of mental shit but the two-hour urine i mean you're ruining your whole sleep cycle it's killing me

Damn, I feel bad. I hate to say it, but you could stretch it. Yeah? Yeah. Just hold it in. Just hold it in. It's uncomfortable, but start holding it. Then you go, all right, I made it for 20 minutes. I'll go pee now. Next day, I made it for 30. Then before you know it, you're going to be good. Damn, it's crazy that you can work shit like that out. It's crazy you can stretch everything. Yeah. It's literal stretching. If we did this every day, we could do a split.

But it's just a pain in the ass. I don't know about that. You think we do it split? Well, I mean, you see guys doing it. But I don't think they're us. Probably not. Those are like gymnast type dudes. Yeah, but everybody starts somewhere. I don't know. How flexible? Are you flexible? No, I'm stiff as a board. Like my girlfriend will sometimes fuck with me and like try to put my legs over my head. And like as a joke, and I'm like, it hurts. She's like, that's crazy. If I was as unflexible as you, we couldn't bang. Do you ever...

You know, she likes to leg up, throw it around. She's like Gumby and or Stretch Armstrong for the younger kids.

Who's the new bendy guy? I don't even know anymore. Is there a new bendy guy? Stretch Armstrong was the shit, dude. That toy was awesome for about 20 minutes. That's the toys we played with. We're like, look, it's arm stretch. Like how fucking primitive was shit before video games? That's a good point. I mean, they were video games, but like not really. Not great. Yeah. Stretch Armstrong was huge. And my friend cut him open and ate the shit inside. I think he had to go to the hospital.

Stretch Armstrong. He's been pulled out like that. He looks like he's in like a fucking dominatrix video. Yeah, it's a torture thing. Torture porn. That was a torture device. The stretch thing. That's true. That's crazy. Some guy made those like the coffin with the spikes in it or the stretchy apart thing. Some guy had to design those. Look at that. That was a part of history. Yeah, someone's making that. That's a pretty bad dude right there. Now we do this on Twitter. Yeah.

We're all the same. We act like these are horrible people, but we have all those genes and the same wiring. Twitter is just, I'm looking less and less. It's just madness. Good for you. It's evil. Are you on there a lot? I try to write a joke a day and have a little exercise, and then people are like, why are you silent about this? And I'm like, well, we can do that all day. Why aren't you talking about elderly abuse? Do you hate the old? What, are we the governor? I know.

Yeah, what that was silent. Oh, my God. I've noticed you haven't spoken up about the whatever protest. I'm like, I don't even know about it.

Yeah. What about the Taliban? Should we, where's your thing about that? You know, you want to scroll through their shit. Well, that's the new thing. Now I have a bit now about this as hitting about how like, you know, everyone's like, you know, I saw a guy in a shirt that said, fuck racism. And I'm like, problem solved. You did it. Like that's what they think they're doing in their head. So I have a whole thing where I'm going to roll. Uh, I'm going to start rolling into parties in a shirt that just says against baby rape. Nah,

And they're just like, why are you wearing that? I'd be like, are you for baby rape? You know, you just spin it on them. It really is so dumb, the shit that, because that's what Twitter is. It's like these people who are like trying to expose you. It's like, well, you have fucking chinks in your armor too. Right. Easy. They're going to come after me for that one right there. They're like, look what you said. Of course they got the chinks and we all got the armor, but it's so true. It's like,

It's always the opposite. I feel like things are better now than they've ever been. Well, maybe not with the new abortion law. No, that ain't good. That ain't good. You know it's bad when you have to drive to Oklahoma to take care of business. Let's go to the progressive part of this area. Tweet it. Oh, really? That's good. I'm sure that's been said. And you're talking about the abortion king. I got a punch card here. I'm one more and I get a freebie. Yeah? Yeah, I get a free sub. But no, I'm just saying...

We're more progressive than we've ever been. Gay marriage is like a joke. Like, oh, if you're against that, you're weird now. Whereas, you know, Obama, Clinton, Hillary, we're all like, oh, gay marriage is crazy. You know, it all changes, obviously. You know, we had split water fountains, blah, blah, blah. But I feel like people are doubling down more on being angry about stuff. And yet they were they seem less angry before. And I think it's always kind of the opposite. You know, when a supermodel is in the mirror, like I'm so fat.

I'm so fat. You're like, you're not fat. But the fat lady's going, I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. You're like, no, no, you're fat. She's not fat. But you think you're fat and you think you're beautiful. And it's kind of the same with the racial stuff. It's like, we're fucking, they're killing us in the streets. And you're like, no, they used to do that. Now, if they do that, they'll get arrested. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I know what you're saying, man. I mean, I'm going, I'm going extremes. No, you're making an interesting point, I think, because.

we twitter is interesting because so much of news is broken on twitter now yeah like we will find out a celebrity died on twitter we will find out you know and i found out i found the abortion thing on twitter so did i i mean so it's you find this stuff out i woke up look at twitter was like oh shit

you know so i get that outrage is currency but also like you got you got to be outraged at stuff like that well sure sure yeah that's a that's a new one that's a big one that's that one is anything moving back i mean that's the opposite of progress that's going back right you know agreed agreed yeah and you think i think that it's a texas dick swing and move like

A lot of shit is going this way. Well, fuck you. We're going to go backwards. You know, it's almost like we're going to compensate for your. Well, look at the governor, you know, I mean, yeah, wheelchair. He should have been aboard. Well, they. Sorry. This is not a this is not a political podcast. If you haven't noticed. Yeah. He got COVID, by the way. I know. And he had the booster, apparently. Imagine like telling people not to wear masks while you go get a booster like a fucking pussy. Ha.

Like you're in your little safe space and you're letting people die. Yeah, yeah. And Booster just sounds so pussy. I need the booster. It sounds like a booster seat. Or he's a shitty character in Jingle All The Way. Booster. You've never seen Jingle All The Way? No, no. That's the best bad Christmas movie ever. Is that Sinbad? And Schwarzenegger. Wow, what a combo. And Phil Hartman. What?

And Rita Wilson. Good cast. She's fun. That's Booster, the pink guy. You know who plays him? Curtis Armstrong from Revenge of the Nerds. Booger.

Oh, I love that guy. I love that guy. He's good. He's great. Jewish. Oh, dude, it's classic. It's just a bad, it's a good bad movie. All right, all right. I love a Christmas movie. It's fun, man. Yeah. It's not good, but dude, Phil Hartman. Yeah, yeah. Is that guy ever not great? I grew up on Sinbad. I love Sinbad. Sinbad's incredible. Yeah, Schwarzenegger is a great, just great presence on stage. He's so Hollywood. He's such a leading man.

I'm in. Damn, dude. Yeah, it's a pretty bad movie, but I enjoy it. Now, what range we have? I say it every week. We went from killing fetuses to Sinbad. Hell yeah. It's weird, man. You know, that... Just as tough in Texas, man. I definitely...

It is a weird time. I feel like a lot of female comedians who moved to Texas are like, well, I'm heading back. I'm heading back to L.A. I'm not going to raise an open micers, baby. Fuck this shit. Yeah, that seems like a nightmare. That is bad. Damn. Yeah. But hey, you know, right now the Taliban's like, hey, that was a good move there, Texas. Good on you.

Now you're getting the idea. We're still not that bad. I'm using the Taliban as our barometer. That's a tough bar. Yeah. We're not as bad as the tally. No, no, no, we're not. We're not. We still have females driving and having opinions. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. They killed a comedian. Too many, some would say. Yeah.

If you look at Twitter. That's true. No, who killed a comedian? Oh, yeah, the Taliban killed a comedian. Tortured him, too. I saw that. Awful. Awful. Jesus Christ. From TikTok videos. Yeah, unbelievable. Horrible. That shit hits close to home. Yeah. Was he shitting on the country kind of stuff? I don't know what his jokes were. I don't know what type of comedy he was, but just seeing that, you're like, well, that's...

That ain't good. That ain't good. I mean, half of people's acts in America is shitting on Biden, shitting on Trump. Yeah. That's like a big part of the American way. I don't know what the Afghan comedy scene is like. I cannot imagine it's booming. No, no. We have trans comics here, for Christ's sake. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. Comic beaten. Quite a bit.

Hey. Oh, I thought that was a joke. Oh, okay, okay. It was. Yeah, this is terrible. Damn. Yeah, shit. I mean, I will say that, man. America has got its problems. That's horrible with Texas, but...

We do have a lot to be grateful for. Sure. I mean, there is a reason the Afghanis are coming here. They're fleeing to here. Right. That says something. And then they'll come and be like, never mind. No, you know who's got the best abortion joke is, you remember that Louis C.K. bit where he's like, yeah, I think abortion is murdering a baby, but I think a woman should be allowed to murder her baby. He goes, you're allowed to murder someone if they break into your house.

That's great. That's a brilliant abortion joke. And it's so, he's just saying facts. Yeah. And it's comedy gold. Yeah. That's genius. Because you're like, oh shit. Those are the best jokes where it's almost like, you ever see like Magic Johnson make a pass and he doesn't pass to the player, he like passes to the area and the

player goes to the ball. Those are like the best jokes where we have to like go to the thing. We're like, there we go. That's a great analogy. That's so true. I love jokes like that, man. I do too. Yeah. There's so many of those out there that they're just sitting there and yet they're the hardest to see. Yeah. Like Norm Macdonald's joke about he's like, people are scared of Korea. Korea. He's like,

My dad died of a heart attack. That's inside you. He's like, I'm scared of my heart. You know, like it kills you from the inside. I'm not worried about Korea. I'm worried about this guy. It's like in you. I mean, it's such a great point. That's fears you have when you get older. And like, also like, man, I had like, I thought I was having an allergic reaction in a hotel room a couple of weeks ago. And that feeling while your neck, it was just really bad allergies. I sound so fucking Jewish right now. Oh my God. I'm like a stereotype.

But I almost died from allergies, guys. No, but I was like closing up to the point where I was like, oh, this sucks. And I was like, man, you just think about maybe dying in a hotel room and you're like, that's rough. Oh, God. Especially if it's not a great hotel. Yeah. You're like fucking died in a La Quinta. Stinks. What gig was it? Where were you? I was in Portland. Ah, Portland. Yeah, damn. Yeah, like Geraldo died in Jersey. I know. I think in a Hilton.

but yeah oh one of the best ever yeah it's a good one of the no no yeah duraldo one of the best he really was one of the best and uh yeah fuck i know wonder where mitch hedberg died give that a goog because he was a heroin addict apparently he was shooting up the leg he said when you lifted the leg up it was just purple like civil war gangrene type shit exactly awful was he also new jersey

damn geez i'm i was i'm there this weekend you'll die too yeah i'll just die on stage hotel room in westman westminster hotel john panette died in a hotel room too a lot of comedians die in hotel rooms man i don't want to speak ill of the dead but uh i did a gig i'm not gonna say where and i had the crazy eccentric limo driver he's like oh he's got his tie loose he's got wacky hair he's like

He's driving with a foot on the dash. You know, he's got his own car. It's got the fuzzy dice. It's all decked out. He's like, I've been picking up comics since 1979. I've had everybody, Steve Martin, Pryor, you name it. And he said he had Panette. And he's like, Panette was wild. He's like, everybody talks about Kinison and Dice and Pryor. I mean, Panette, he was like, make you get off the airport, go right to a liquor store, two fifths of tequila. Then he had his own shit. He had hookers, all that. It was like...

holy shit panette he was like this cute fat guy my mom liked him every mom loved panette he was huge in the midwest he was a great guy i mean killer comic such a nice guy john panette if you haven't looked him up for the folks at home and yeah beast for sure beast damn yeah i had no idea he was like a booze bag and a party animal it's hard to do what we do and not drink it is hard to like

come down after a set and not come to it like it's such an abrupt change of pace it really is because you do feel like incredible up there you feel so good yeah and then you come off and you're like oh yeah that's it i know it's just over just boom like sex you're it's over you know it's over you come right you you're glad it's over you're not glad the set's over that's true yeah unless it's horrible

Yeah. Yeah. And then you go back and here's the here's the irony or the catch 22 or whatever it is. You go back to the green room and you're in there. It's quiet. You maybe got the opener, maybe the host, the waitress comes in. You need anything. And it's completely somber and weird. You were just riffing, raffing, applause, hooting and hollering, getting heckled, handling lights in your face to thank you. Green room. Quiet.

There's your fish sticks with the cigarette butt in it, the napkin wrapped up. There's your beer. And you're like, all right. That's it. But you don't want anything else, really. If an audience member comes in, you're like, ah! It's the weird thing of it's weirdly quiet, but you also don't want

to do stuff. - Well, you get in those laughs and you kind of mistake that laughter as a kind of love, at least in that moment. - Yes, yes. - And then you go to nothing. So it's almost like you've been consuming, it's like a sugar high and coming down.

- Yeah. - Because you're getting like fake love in a way. - Right. - You know, and it's like they're enjoying you so much that killing laugh, you're like, oh, I feel like they love me right now. And then you get off and you're just like, oh, that's not real love. - I know. - It's temporary. - Yeah, but then-- - So then you kind of come to, it's like a sugar crash. - That's a great way to put it. It's a sugar crash, but you could do the meet and greet

and get more love, but the meet and greet is hard. Oh my God, it's exhausting. And I hate to say it because there's people out there going, oh, he's coming to Tampa. I'm going to say hello and it'll be great. But you're like, they don't know the mental fuck we're going through. It's another show. It's another show. This onstage is easier because you just kind of like find...

I used to be so nervous on stage and now it's kind of like, yeah, I kind of know what I'm going to say. And like, if something misses and I'll work on it, it's not like the jokes don't have the same stakes that they used to have, you know? Why? What do you mean? I mean,

I think I used to just react to bombing. Oh, I still hate bombing, but I think now when a joke misses, I'm like, all right, I'll either fix it or I'll drop it. And that before you, your first hour of jokes, you work so hard on, I mean, you work for years on them and then you get to a place where you're like, you're just not as attached to the jokes.

Right. That's why I think the bombs when you're younger just hurt more because you're like, well, I know that I worked so long in that. Now when you bomb now, you're like, all right, well, maybe that joke wasn't that good yet. Yeah, it's a good point. Yeah, you're right. I think we're more realistic. Yeah. We're less attached, less emotional. It's kind of like your first girlfriend. Yeah. She dumps you and you're like, oh, my God, I'm gay now. I'll never go back. And then you start banging a couple of ladies and then some gal dumps you like, all right, I'll meet somebody else.

yeah it's kind of like that with comedy but maybe we do need a little to go back to that that young young love maybe we need a little stretch armstrong uh you know torture torture yeah get spanked a little bit cry yeah exactly i don't know man yeah it's tough it's tough but you know still love it still out there still grinding we just want to create good shit that's really what it all comes down to

You know, and I think like I heard, I always hear Bill Burr. He's kind of like my go-to to listen to. Sure. And he always says, sometimes I'll think I did a hot show or some theater. They loved me. And then my opener is going to an open mic.

He's like, oh, why would I do that? And then he's like, I'll go because I don't want to go. And it'll shake me up. Like, man, these people are just blowing me at the theater. These guys don't really care. And I got to wake them up and I got to figure it out. And it kicks that thing inside you. Any gig you're scared to do might be good for you. And that goes for everything in life. Yeah. The harder thing to do is sometimes you're like, oh, this is necessary. It's easier. It is easier to kill in a sold out crowd of people that came to see you. But when you're doing those little shitty gigs. Yeah.

And you're going up with comics that are hungry as hell and they're not there for you. Yep. You're kind of on a level playing field. It's kind of good for you. That's one thing that's cool about the Comedy Store in LA, and we're getting deep into comedy, but like...

He would have to follow D'Elia or guys like that at the height of their whatever. And like, these are high energy, cool, young, sexy guys or gals and Eliza Schlesinger and Joey Diaz, like all these. So like, sure, you're Joe Blow, the cool guy, comic, big guy, big name legend. But it's still like this is a young crowd. That was a young comic. They don't give a shit about my old ass and my kids and my wife.

They want to hear fucking party jokes or fun jokes and you got to make it work. Yeah. Levels it. It kind of, Hey, we're, we're back to, I ain't, you know, John, John Johnson, the legend here. I'm,

following this guy who's famous and hot right now. - John Johnson, dude, that guy used to do a lot of blow in strippers. You ever hear stories about that guy? - Yeah, I couldn't think of a cooler name. - No, dude, you know, I do get tired sometimes. I feel burnt out just trying to take care of myself now. We do the road every week, so you come back. I used to do so many club spots in the city. I realize those nights of me doing four New York spots a night are kind of over.

Yeah. Like I'll do a couple in a night, but I'm not going to Brooklyn to do a show that pays nothing, that might suck. Yeah, no, I get that. Because I'm like, I'm on the road. I'm too tired. Right. I'm just like, all the flights. I mean, fucking all the delays. And then you do, you know, five or six hours of shows in a weekend. And then you're going to come back for like a 10 minute set. It doesn't make sense. No.

You gotta take care of yourself so you're good for those shows. That's true. You're right. No, you're right. And what are you gonna get out of that show anyway? I'll still do those shows sometimes, but I don't prioritize them. No, no. We were so conditioned to say yes to everything because we were abused for so long that we get to a place where we say yes to shit and we're like, wait, did I just say yes to this shit? I know. I had that last night. What was it? I did a show. You ever heard of Breezy Point?

It's a neighborhood in Queens. Give this a look up there, Sloppy. Breezy point. It's a neighborhood. I feel like I'm giving it away, but it's on the map. It's a neighborhood in Queens. I kept calling it Long Island. I'm sure they hated me. I did a bar. It's on the beach. Look at that. Look at that. What are you thinking doing this this far out? Well, I said yes to it six months ago.

Look at that. I did that last night. How long did it take to get there? It only took about an hour and a half to get there by car. But we just cut straight through Brooklyn. Did they pay you well? It paid well, but it is a fucking like rootin' tootin' bar show at a beach house on the beach. Wow. Like, uh...

crazy, fun beach party vibes. And this place is crazy. It's like kind of walled off and it's like Irish, Italian firemen. Cool, cool people, but just like

We keep this name. It was like the 50s over there. There's like a little ice cream shop and and like not a scratch of trash. No fucking graffiti. I was like, I can't believe I'm Queens, you know, because Queens you think of like Astoria and some. No, I felt like the beginning of like a forensic files. Yeah. A small beach town turned upside down. Exactly. Those are the best.

But I didn't even know this place existed, and it was wild. Is it pretty? It looks pretty. It's beautiful, but it feels like you're in Destin, Florida or Malibu or something. It's so clean. Look at that. That looks beautiful. Yeah, it's crazy. So it was just a fun show, but it was rowdy, and I was scared out of my mind. You know what this looks like, that little...

runway on the beach right there. It looks like the episode where Jerry, he promises he won't say hello to that woman. Yes, exactly. And then he just starts running. Yeah, that might have been shot there. No, that was probably in LA. But it's just beautiful town. Like you feel like you're in Florida or something. It's so beachy.

And the crowd was good? Crowd was great, but they were rowdy and they would yell at you and they would heckle. They're in flip-flops and shorts and they're all tan and holding a coconut drink going like, talk about the Taliban or whatever. Taliban, no one wants jokes with that. I opened by going, I just got back from Kabul, so this is a good gig. They're like...

And then I did it as a seller later and they were like, Jesus Christ. But it was fun because it was like, it felt like I was on the road for one night and came back in the same night. Those are fun. Those are fun. Did you bring someone with you? Well, they brought me. The people drove me out there and they all opened and they knew everybody. They're like, this guy looks like he went to Sacred Heart. Am I right? They're like, oh shit. They knew all the local references for the Catholic high schools and everything.

So I had to follow some local acts, which was tough. But they were great. Big T, the whole gang. And the guy's mom is there and everything. It was real local shit. But I was scared to go on. I was like, shit, this is nerve wracking here. It's good to feel nervous like that. It is. It is. And then you come up with stuff on the fly because your brain is in this fight or flight. Like, I'm about to get my ass kicked by these guys.

you know, beachcombers, but they were great. They were great and they were nice and they hate the city. Like fuck the city. We live in the city technically, but fuck going in there. It's dirty. It's dangerous. They've kind of built this, their own little, little, little paradise out there. Yeah. I don't know, man. I'm, I'm pro city, but I, New York's getting hard to defend. It,

it is it's so expensive still there's it's just madness i the the lack of taxi cabs in the city right now is new york is such a taxi cab city it's it bums me out i'm watching old movies and they just like get a cab like that and you're like that's the pace of new york yeah not to be like oh coming in seven minutes that's not new york that's a great point yeah that's so true it's uh it's a new york minute yeah now it's an uber minute yeah which is about

about six minutes if we're being honest. Dude, Uber, I tried getting an Uber on the road. The Midwest. Oh,

- It's like coming in like 23 minutes and you're like, are you fucking kidding me? - Yeah, I schedule them. - You schedule them? - Yeah, that was one of my wrecks. Like if I'm going to bed at 4:00 a.m. and I need to pick up at 9:00 a.m., I schedule that thing for 8:00 to 10:00. - I gotta do that, I forgot about that. We drank on this podcast so I forget a lot. - Tell me about it, it's Paloma. - It's pretty good. - Hitting the spot. - Dude, I will, yeah, I was waiting for like 23 minutes or something for an Uber, it's fucking crazy.

It's crazy. I know. If I can make a woman cum in less than the time in Uber, then maybe you guys got to step it up. Yeah. I'll tell you, I've been with my gal so long, I'm getting really good at like...

The clit stuff. Are you? It's amazing. Are you good in general, or do you think you're just good on her? Her. I would say it's amazing how horrible I learned I was. It's like therapy, where you had to go, okay, I'm bad. I need to fix this. I have an ego, too, so it took me a minute. When I was told, you're not doing it right, I'd be like, I think I know what I'm doing. I think I know where the clit is. I'm like, on her shoulder. But that clit is a goddamn...

Enigma. Yeah. Because it's so small. It's so small that like...

It's so hard to feel but then you can't feel too much because it's sensitive so then you're she's like ah that hurts and you're like ah damn it. I know. Go easy on us ladies with the clit the clit hate because we're trying. Well it's tough because sometimes they're like harder harder than like I'm like ah you're like I'm sorry shit. Exactly. You got to deal with one giant clit with a hole in it and stuff comes out of it when it's over and it's very it's very simple. The penis is much easier to work. Oh yeah.

So bear with us. And then like, they like the fingering when you hit the top part. So you're like, okay, you got to tell me that. How do I know that? You know, like we don't know what you're feeling. So you gotta, you gotta be vocal. Yeah. I, a little guidance. Why not? I know it's not hot to be like here, here, here. I understand like giving directions while you're doing it might take you out of the mood, but a little, just give us a little. And you can say it hot, like softer or harder, harder.

or whatever, you don't make it hot. I think they feel weird sometimes to just say what they need. I agree. I can't say what I need either on an emotional level. Oh, really? I'd say exactly what I need, I feel like. I'm like, in the ass, harder. Yeah. I don't know how you do it, but... I don't know how she gets the cucumber out. But tongs? Tongs as a tell thing? But the thing is,

You can't have it both ways, ladies. If you're not going to guide, we're not going to get you there, probably. So you're just willing to get you there. It's not going to happen. Jeez. What? It's like Breezy Point. I need a little help. Yeah, exactly. Give me a little help. Yes. Yeah. Throw me a bone here. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by my bookie. Football's back, baby. Oh, my Giants, man. I can't wait. You're a Saints guy. Hell yeah. Who dat?

You like easy money thanks to MyBookie and their Lock of the Season. If either of the teams scores in the NFL season opener, you win. If you don't know how, a game has ended 0-0 since World War II, so this is a sure bet. Head to MyBookie.ag, select Lock of the Season, and if any team scores between the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Bucs, you win. Woo!

The best bet you can make is one you can't lose. My bookie is also hosting several exclusive contests, including their $100,000 super contest. The best part? It only costs $10 to enter. There's big money on the line this season, so don't wait to get in the game. Join now. Mark, tell them how to do it. Hell yeah. I just made a couple clams on that Jake Paul fight. Thank you, my bookie. Oh, yeah. You bet on him? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And nobody believed in me. Head to mybookie.ag today and use our promo code DRUNK and instantly double your first deposit. That's double your funds to double your winnings. Again, that's promo code DRUNK.

to receive double your first deposit and get started with MyBookie today. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with MyBookie. Sheath underwear, folks. Wearing it right now. Look at that. I'm wearing it too. Look at that.

Hey, there you go. We gave ourselves a Melvin. That's what they call it in the front. A Melvin. I haven't said that word in 20 years. A fucking nerd name. It's a great... Never name your kid Melvin. No. Bad name. Bad name. That's a rough one. If that kid doesn't get the shit kicked out of him, then he has just become such... He's surpassed expectations. Oh, yeah. Keeps your balls off your leg. There's two pouches. One for your dong. One for your sack.

Keep the ammo separate from the gun. It's super supportive. They look good. They feel good. They're like stretchy and silky at the same time. The lady likes them. She's like, you look great in that. Look at these. These are camo, like weird camo. Dude, I have those at home too. I would never buy these, but when I put them on, I feel cool as hell. Your dick was in the Gulf War. I love it. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, I got a Sandy Hook. No, wait. Sandy Dick shit. Sandy Hook. What the fuck, Mark? This is a plug, man. Sorry. This guy was in the Iraq War, by the way. This guy's a badass. Oh, yeah. He's a veteran. Support a veteran. This guy's a great dude. He's a great dude. Yeah. He's a veteran. He loves comics, which is why he's on this podcast.

Go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. And Sheath Underwear is 100% back, money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear and let them support your balls. The salt rim is fucking nice. It's very nice. The salt rim is always pleasant.

so what's good about the bar jew i watched him in here tearing open salt packets i was like what are you doing he's like i couldn't find any salt i'm like man this guy's good damn that's like some man versus wild shit in the bar i love it you know i'll tell you i love a good little chili salt rim too you ever a chili salt rim a little spicy i have had that it's the redder it's like a reddish spicy butthole buddy i love it yeah you ever you ever gone downtown and felt a uh a

A tingle? I've never really found a woman who's into it. No, no, I'm saying have you ever licked the thing where you're like, oh, that wasn't that? Yeah, that tasted a little off. I'm not sure. I don't think so. You're a lucky man. Yeah, you're not into that, huh? Well, no, I'm just saying I've licked a butt before and I'm like, why is my tongue burning? Yeah.

Why does my tongue hurt? That's all I'm saying. I want to have a fever of 103. What's going on? Yeah, why do I need to chug milk right now? Am I on Hot Ones? What's going on here? Yeah. So, I'm just saying. That's the next step in Hot Ones. Instead of Wings. Shaq is going to eat ass. Ah.

That's the next hot one. That's where it's going to go. I mean, what else? We have to keep upping it, you know? Yeah. Ah, Shaq is going to eat ass. That's hilarious. There's just a woman bending over and an interview happening. He's like, all right. Shaq's like, oh, fuck. He's like, yeah, that's a tough one. That's a bad, that's a spicy ass right there. That's a Dominican ass. Yeah, they like describe it. It's got a hint of chocolate and chili. Yeah. Woo. Hot ones. Yeah.

What a great idea for a show. I know. That guy's killing it. It's really the simplest idea. Apparently, he gives great interview questions. I haven't seen it. He does. He's good. I hear it's great, but then I just look at it. Simple is good. It really is, but it's simple and original, which is hard to do. Most simple things have been done, but he found something. Wings. Wings, and you get vulnerable. You get these big actors vulnerable, like DJ Khaled, who...

sucks and he's talentless but he's like oh shit I'm hurting here and you're like well I've never seen you like this he won't do the spinoff show that we've created he's a bummer yeah another one of you you stink we'll get you out of here let's get another celebrity but

Yeah, yeah. It's just like seeing those kind of people, men and women, these giant celebrity millionaires, like, oh, fuck, I'm hurting here. It's fun. With the questions, you get the best of both. Yeah, he...

it's a great idea because it's that he must regret it the way we kind of feel it every once in a while on this show where he's like fuck the eating wings at a certain point yeah i bet there were like fuck i do not feel like eating spicy wings today i never thought about that that's a great point because we are you know we're feeling it some days oh there's some days when we drink on the road and i'm just like oh fuck all right we got a drink for this podcast i know i know

It's tough, but every now and then. Also, we are destroying our brains. That's true. Which is like the only thing we need. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, he's destroying maybe a taste bud or, you know, having a burning sensation. Maybe some shitting. Burning butt, for sure. I mean, I have a burning butt from this stuff. Do you? Oh, my God. I want it all. That's my problem. Do you know what I did yesterday? We prerecorded. We're doing two because I'm out of town. Mark's out of town. But, like, we...

So we did the episode yesterday. We had a bunch of those drinks. I had a ton of coffee that day to just make it through the day. I had spicy Thai for dinner. Wash it down with some candy. What kind of candy? Gummy bears. Ah, you're a child. And I had like a peanut butter cup too. Oh, man. We were watching TV and...

Holy shit. And then I had the nerve to be sitting in the toilet this morning like, why? As if I didn't know. Don't forget that donut in the middle of the day. Oh my God, we had donuts too? Oh God. Man, oh man. Bacon donut. Oh, I deserve it. Yeah, yeah.

I deserve to be in pain. Every now and then throw in a nectarine or something. Just keep them in the house. Throw them on top of the fridge. Just to surprise my body. Yeah, just like, thank God your body gets a glass of water and a banana. It's like, thank you. It's funny. You see porn of a guy getting whipped and tortured. You're like, who would put their body through this? And I'm like, oh yeah, what I do is worse probably. Yeah, you do it on the inside. Yeah. That's funny. I'm a fucking idiot.

But candy and spicy Thai is amazing. At least there's some vegetables in there probably. I love Thai food. If we're going takeout in New York, I don't think you'd top Thai, man. Number one. That's probably my go-to. Same here. I come back from the road. I go, hey, lady, we're going out to dinner. What do you want? She goes, how about Thai? I say, yeah, I can get Thai every time. Love Thai. What's your Thai order? I go, well, see, I go to this one place called Galanga. Shout out. But they got a thing called Little Garden.

Is that a normal thing? Little Garden. That's what they call it on the menu. But it's just basically... Like Happy Ending? Is that normal? What is Little Garden? It's Galanga. It's just vegetables. You get your chicken, your beef, or your pork, you pick, or shrimp. And I get the chicken. And what's in it there? Uh-oh, you might have gone down a wormhole here.

sister. But either way... Was it noodles or what is it? It's rice. So they give you the side of rice. They always put it in a cone shape, which I appreciate. Love a cone. Love a cone. It goes a long way and...

You just dump it right on the veggies and the sauce, and I mix it in, and it's delightful. What's in that? Give me the description there. I can't read that. It's too small. Oh. Wok stirred broccoli, cauliflower, carrot, string bean, bok choy, baby corn, and a light soya sauce with jasmine rice. See, I don't even know what any of that is.

- Bok choy is cabbage, you know what that is. - Okay, but I don't know what soya is, but. - It's soy sauce, I think, it's probably a typo. - Oh, is that a, no, they don't have typos in Thai? - Yeah, oh, oh it is. - It is soya sauce. - All right. - Fermented soy beans, soya beans. All right, so it's basically like rice with some veggies and a meat. What do you do? - I go noodles, man, I get those drunken noodles, man.

- Oh, I love drunken noodles. - That's my go-to. - That's a great order. I just feel guilty about that, 'cause that's a lot of noodle. You're inhaling a big amount of pasta. - Am I? - Yeah, but I mean, hey, I'm with you. I do it too. - That's my favorite. I do drunken noodles.

Pad Thai is hack. It's still good, though. It's good. It's hack for a reason. It's hack for a reason. Pad See You is a nice little order. That's a great one. That's my number two. Pad See You. I go drunken noodles, Pad See You, and then Pad Thai for noodles. Yeah, yeah. I'll fuck with some curry. Oh, yeah. I always saw Anthony Bourdain at these Asian weird truck stops with like eight guys, and they're at like a picnic table, and he always had this amazing looking...

Thai food or Chinese food, whatever the fuck it was. And he had a beer with him. And I was like, man, that looks good. He just made food look so good. Yeah, dude. That whole intro, he's in the sunglasses the whole time. He's a cool dude. I know. And he never faked it. He never got all hosty. Here we are, folks. It's good to be here in Thailand. He was just like, I'm hungover. We're in Thailand. We're going to get a haircut and a massage and then go eat. And you're like, God.

Guy's living. The best. Apparently not. But it didn't end well, I'm saying. Yeah, no, it's just tough when a guy like that does it.

because he's the coolest he had the best life but then everyone's the best life and you're like that was a tough life you're on the road all the time you don't get to see your kid for sure you have to turn it on like you're on that's a lot of shoot like you watch how many episodes he does per season you're like that's a lot of travel and shooting oh really i mean think about those are hour-long episodes dude wow that's true those are long shoot days you got to be on because think about how much they probably don't even use yeah

Why doesn't that girlfriend of his get more flack? Which one? I feel like she's a big reason he pulled the trigger. Well, we don't know that. That's not fair to put on her. But she doesn't seem like a great person either. I mean, she had a 14-year-old on the side. She was cheating on him. 14? Yes. He wasn't 14. Look at him. He was a younger guy. Was he really 14? I think she was grooming. Really? Yeah, yeah.

It's weird that grooming can be either great or horrible. I know, isn't that funny? Isn't that weird? You're either like, oh, just make sure my sideburns are intact or you're fucking a 14-year-old. I know, I know. Why are those the only two ways? That's it, yeah. It's either like, oh, hell, his mustache is perfect. Yeah, yeah, like I send my dog in to get groomed and then it's, or it's you getting a 15-year-old ready to get plowed. It ain't good. It ain't good.

I had a thought the other day about how jump roping is either done by the toughest guy on the planet or the most innocent kid. It's like a 10 year old or a fucking murderer. Interesting. Yeah. It's not much in between. It's not like a 40 year old guy jump roping really.

That's true. Yeah. It's either someone who's going to kill a kid or it's that kid. Yeah. Maybe he got it from the kid he killed. That's not bad. All right. Can I use it? Use it. All right. What? Yeah. Is that is that legit, Matt? Was he 14? Was she grooming a guy?

I know she had a thing against Weinstein. She was one of those. Yes, she called him out publicly. But also apparently, you know, they were in an open relationship, but she was like, you know, but then she was, you know, being public with other guys, which is not how you do it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's not very classy. I mean, look, if you're adults and you consent to an open relationship...

That's your choice. For me, I think that's like an odd choice personally. Yeah. But also, that's what, but you know, but then she was not very discreet, I guess. No, no, no, no. I don't trust her. Yeah, I don't either. I don't know why, but I don't. Yep. Either way, it's either here nor there. Can we groom this innocent boy since six years old? Wow. But is this confirmed? Right, right.

Oh, boy. This is getting ugly. This is getting juicy. Let's get back to the Taliban. This is getting a little too hairy here. Harry Styles. It would be hairy if it was groomed. Yes. Hear, hear. You got a bit?

Or a peeve? I got a peeve. Please. I don't know if we've read this on a Patreon or whatever, but I was thinking about this. We've done so many, but by the way, sign up for our Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us questions, peeves, uh,

fucking jokes, drinks, anything at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com. If you've got packages for us, send them to Gotham Studios on 38th Street. Oh, yeah. We open them on the Patreons. They've been a ton of fun. We video them, too. Got a good little thing going here. Yeah, you could have your shit on the wall in the studio. Don't forget.

- Yeah, we're dying to replace this one right here. So whatever the hell that is. - Can you see the Mennonites? I don't know if that's on camera. - We have a good Dangerfield one over there. Why don't we just switch these two? That's better, right? - Yeah. - We got a lot of Rodney in here.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. This is here to stay. Yeah. Pryor, the Tony with the horse. The big three is here to stay for sure. We could dump that one though too. Do you know the horse's name again? Pio Mai. Pio Mai. Classic. All right, here's a peeve. People who say no pressure when there should be no pressure.

- Oh. - You get a text like, "Hey, no pressure, but will you watch my house for three weeks?" And you're like, "Why would there be pressure in that?" - Uh-huh. - It's a big ask. Sometimes people say that when it's like a big ask. - I would argue there is pressure. - What do you mean? - Like, no pressure, can you watch my house? You're like, Jesus Christ. - That's what the point I'm making is like, you're fucking, this is like a high pressure ask, I'm saying. - Oh, oh, so there is pressure.

Well, yeah, there shouldn't be pressure because it's like, yeah, you shouldn't be asking this even. Right. It's too big of an ask. That's why I misspoke. I see. I see. Okay. Now I got you. Yeah. I completely agree. People do that shit all the time. Hey, no pressure. It's like, hey, fuck you. We barely know each other. Yeah. People will do that a lot. They do that a lot because they're trying to soften it. But it's obvious like this is a huge. Yeah. Open it by saying, I know this is a huge ask and I'm very sorry. That's how you'd preface that. Yes. You don't say, hey, no pressure. No pressure.

but can I borrow $25,000? Right, right. Yeah, that's true. That's a big move. The no pressure has to be picked wisely. You can't just use a no pressure. Hey, no pressure, but my wife is dilating. Could you deliver it? Yeah, I'm with you. No pressure is just...

I don't know. It bugs me a little bit. And it's so obvious. It's such an obvious play. At least hide it a little. Hey, no pressure, but can you do a 12-day shoot for free for me and then watch my dog the entire time? Right, right, exactly. No, I'm with you on that one. I hate the no pressure where there is pressure. Because there is. You're lying to me. Out of the gate. No pressure. It's a lie. It's all pressure. What's a peeve of yours? Hmm.

I had this last night, wrote it down immediately because I hate this shit. You ever have the guy who's telling you something you don't care about already? He's like, oh, my nephew, he got in a little league and then they wouldn't let him in. They wouldn't let him in because they said he wasn't good enough. I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't know you. I don't know your nephew. I don't know you. You're already on to your nephew. First of all, how did we get here? And then he's like, let me show you. Let me show you a swing. And I'm like,

I don't want to see the kid swing. I don't give a shit. He's like, he's got a great swing. This is on breezy point. And I'm like, all right, all right.

You're not even a sports guy. Like for me, I'd be like, Oh, look, I like baseball. I mean, I, I humored him. I was like, sure. Let's see the swing. I can't imagine you. You don't want confrontation. No. So I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm up. I'm up against the wall with this guy. He's like, Oh yeah. Yeah. And that's another thing when people are just like coming at you and you're like, I can't get further away from you. I'm literally pressed against the wall and you, you love that. But so he, he couldn't find on his phone. Now he's doing the thing where he's like, Oh,

Hold on, hold on. Oh, shit. I can't. It's in here somewhere. And I'm like, you're struggling to find a thing to show me that I don't care about anyway. Like, even if you get it.

I don't want to see it. The thing we don't want to do is now an inconvenience. Yes, exactly. Great way to put it. So now he's like, hold on, hold on. And like other people are talking to me and I'm like, oh yeah. And I'm trying to like get out of it and go, go to them. But he's like, hold on, hold on. I'm going to find it. And now he's saying it like, I'm going to find it. Like we got this. Don't worry. I'm not going to let you down. Like, no, no, you're letting me down by showing me.

that's the letting me down. I'm already dying here, but you think letting me down is not pulling it up. He's like, I got it. Don't worry. And I'm like, I don't want to see it anyway. That should be a socially acceptable thing to say. You're killing me. You're killing me right now. We have a finite amount of time on earth.

And you were killing it. Yes. Slowly. And I'm like secretly jealous because I'm like, what world are you living in? Where you think strangers want to see this nephew swing a bat? You better not go back to Breezy Point with this story. I know. I feel bad. This guy has never heard of an iPhone or a bike. He's pulling this up on a rotary. Like this guy is so, he was old school. He had bike. Remember those bike shorts? Not bicycle shorts, but shorts, the brand bike.

They had like a weird waist. This guy was out to lunch. He was all over the road, but I'm just saying. Plugging his special. He's pulling this thing up, but I'm like, I didn't want to see it anyway. I'm glad the phone can't pull it up. And you're still trying to show me. And he finally found it. And it was a kid going,

And I'm like, all right. How old was he? He's probably 12, 13. I mean, Jesus Christ. Little League or something. I'm like, I don't care anyway. And you're struggling with it and you're making me. This could be the next A-Rod. Fucking the breezy points. The breezy point kid. I saw him when I knew he had it. I can tell. I can see it in the talent. I'm like, Mark, you got to get the breezy point sensation on. We might be drunk.

It's a huge get. Well, if he makes it big, we'll have him on and I'll shit on his uncle. But yeah, just the four minutes of like, I'm going to get it. Don't worry.

Oh, man. You get a lot of that on the road, too, where you just kind of want to sit in the green room. Thank God we're at a point where you can just sit in the green room and just be like, let me just fucking shut off for a second. Yeah. It's necessary. You start to get the, like, Seinfeld does TM. And at first, you're like, look at this fucking hippie doing the TM. Jeez, he sits. You know, that whole thing. But you're like, I get it now. I get the shutting down and just having a minute for you and kind of recentering.

but I mean, I still can't do it. Do you meditate? - No. - I can't do it either. - It's very hard. It'll be like things like notice the smells and I'm like, oh cool, drunken noodles take out from earlier. I feel so zen. No, I'm not good at it. I understand that it's good for you and that it helps. - Yeah, I get it. - But my ADD is so bad, it's very hard.

I've done it before and it has helped. Oh, really? I think it's just good to be aware of your breathing. We are so overworked. Yeah. Like we don't realize it because we like our jobs, but like, man, we don't take days off. No. It's crazy. And if I do take a day off, it's like a travel day or something. Right, right. Yeah, true. So it's... That's a good point. It is good to be aware of your breathing.

in your body, I think, but I'm not good at it. I'm not either. But I do see people like that and I'm like, well, that's...

He probably knows. I mean, he's done it. I think Seinfeld has got a wisdom that we probably don't have. Right, right. Doing this that long. I remember being on the road with the Zs. He would do it. Phil Hanley would do it too. Really? They would meditate, yeah. Every day, twice a day. And they would feel like I would be pounding coffee at like 5 p.m. And they would be like energized by their own body. And there's something pretty damn cool about that. That's super cool. I asked Seinfeld. I was like, what is with the TM? What's the upside of that? You asked Seinfeld what's the deal with TM?

That's great. Yeah. You're sitting in the corner. You're doing this. God knows what's going on. What's the deal with a Dalai Lama? He's not a Lama or a Dalai. But he had the best answer. And I was like, oh, you've gotten asked this before. But he goes, you ever get like a great night's sleep and you just feel ready for the day?

I'm like yeah yeah that's the best but it's rare and he goes I have that every time after I meditate I was like geez now I guess I gotta do it we should do it we should do it let's do it because the fact you have ADD and it's hard for you imagine if you beat that imagine you got past that and went to the other side I feel like that would be a big deal that'd be a breakthrough yeah you know like beat the ADD yeah yeah sure I want to have other thoughts but

I'm pushing back and I'm gonna calm you down. You're not calming me down. - I have ADD but I think this is common with people with ADD where I am obsessive with certain things. If there's things that I really am into, I become obsessive. Like weird things like

Movie facts. Sure. Basketball statistics. Weird things like that. Comedy. I can talk all day. You know, it's one of those weird things where like, but I do feel it happens a lot of time. I'll be accused of having ADD and I'm like, it's like midnight and I'm tired. And someone's like, you weren't listening to my story about my nephew swing. Yeah. And I'm like, well, maybe that's not on me. Right.

Right. Well, yeah, some people are just boring as hell. Yeah. So, yeah, that's not your fault. But no, you're right. You're right. Can't blame everything on the ADD. Some people suck. But I do. I do have it for sure. It is hard for me to focus even like with things occasionally that I do care about. Yeah. What about these people go? ADD is not real. You know, you know, there's all those guys like anxiety is not a thing. Oh, that's got to suck it up. That's completely crazy. That's crazy.

That's someone who doesn't have anxiety. I get anxiety, but I've seen people with worse anxiety than me, and I'm like, oh, it's so real, clearly. Yeah, dude. I mean, don't you ever get those nights where you're just panicking? Yes. There are people that feel like that all the time. That's real anxiety. There are people that are medicated for anxiety. Anxiety is fucking real. It's real. I had an anxiety attack. I don't want to say I've had them a bunch, but one I had that was like,

Oh, this is an anxiety attack. I'm so bad at math. I failed out of college. I got into community college in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'm in math class, algebra. I cannot do math to save my life. If my mom's life was dependent on me doing an algebra problem, I couldn't do it. Damn. And I was sitting at a table with like eight other kids. That'd be a really weird serial killer. Yeah. The fraction killer. But I'm sitting there. I'm trying to educate people. Yeah.

This whole thing. I'm trying to help. Never used it once, by the way. Louisiana public school system. But I'm sitting there at community college. It's hot out, whatever. And I'm sweating over this test. I'm just staring at this test like a final exam. If I pass this, I get through the fucking school. I'm praying to God. And I remember I was looking down at it and the test got blurry and I was dripping sweat.

and it was like hitting the pages and I remember being like, oh my god, I'm having an anxiety attack, I thought I was gonna die and I fell backwards in the seat. - Wow. - And they let me leave, I was like, oh, I'm freaking out, freaking out, they let me leave and I think I got out of it. - And you walked away like Kaiser Soze. You just got away with it. - I fixed my limp and I got it together, yeah. But no, that was one of the worst anxiety moments of my life and

Just went into, I changed my majors. I went to film. Is that a faint, what do you call it? I don't think I fainted because I never went out, like, mentally. But I fell backwards in the chair because I just lost it. Damn, your body tightened up. Yeah, exactly. And people were like, oh, my God. It was like out of a movie. Like, are you okay? The lady's fanning me. It's some southern lady, you know. This boy's got the vapors. Yeah.

Exactly. I said the N word. It got weird. But yeah, yeah. You ever had a real, a proper anxiety attack? Not like that. No, I haven't. We have a friend who's got bad anxiety and he got hives before a show once. Wow. And he was kind of like,

He was turning red and having splotches. And I remember like, oh, that's... It was right after he stole Mary's shoes. It was a real attack. I was like, oh, that's the real deal right there. Damn. Yeah. I'll tell you after. I know what it is. You were there. I was there? Hell yeah. We were all there. I think I know what it is. Yeah, you probably know what it is. I think I know it. But I remember being like, wow, this guy is...

Big red blops on his face. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing you don't think about is like people...

like there's a lot of rejection and pressure in so many careers that like it's it's crazy it's a weird choice like this ain't france we fucking we got we got a long work week here in america oh yeah we we got high presh yeah high blood presh too oh yeah we got weird food yeah it's it's weird because you go to like you ever been to italy or paris or any of that like they are just chilled out

compared to us. Yeah, cigarettes, wine.

and all the women are still thin somehow. - Yeah, fascinating. - What the hell is that shit? Portions, I think it's portions. - I think it's portions and it's fresh. We got a lot of preservatives. - But also cigarettes, if you're smoking cigarettes, that's probably killing your appetite too. - True, true. - Also, I think we are like the kings of snacking. - Oh, we can graze all day. - 'Cause they're known for croissants, but it's like, you know. - Yeah, that's true. - Richard Jenney used to have a great bit about how what we do, like they had the croissants, we made the croissandwich.

There's nothing more American. It's a great observation. Another underrated guy, Richard Jennings. Classic. Classic killer joke comic. Great observations. Great performer too. Rare great writer performer. That's true, yeah. Another guy who killed himself. Brutal. From Brooklyn.

He was great. Yeah, so true. They're thinner than us. We're fat as shit. And my whole family's fat. And yet they eat pasta or cheesecake and croissants and pizza and all this shit. What is that? I think it's preservatives, too. I think we're eating a lot of like. Garbage. Yeah, Funyuns and shit. Yeah. They're not eating Funyuns over there.

Yeah. Funions. Yeah. Pizza rolls. Yeah. I feel like also the portion control thing that was like, we eat big portions. I eat a lot. I really don't like, I eat a lot, man. And then it's just like my mom cooked us dinner the other night and I

And I just like, my brother and I were like, we go back for seconds. We eat a lot. Yeah. Keep it coming. I say we do dessert. I mean, we do the French. I think it's just like they eat rich foods, but it's smaller portions. Yeah. They don't have a buffet mindset. Yeah.

The buffet. We literally have eat till you can't eat anymore. It's like a game. It's a game. You ever go to a buffet? It's fucking great. Yeah, it's great. I love it. I grew up on buffets. There are people I've talked to with like, what's lower quality food? I'm like, yeah, but there's everything. Everything. You want an egg roll? You want salmon? You want a chicken paprikash? It's all there. General Tso's. You get a fucking taco. You got soft serve. It's incredible. Oh my God. The Jell-O. My God. The Jell-O. Cookies. Cookies.

cookies as far as the eye can see. It's great. What's your go-to at a buffet? I go, I've done, I got a PhD in buffets. I've done every buffet. Oh, me too. The key is at a buffet is you want to think with your stomach. You go, oh my God, look at that lasagna. You want to just pile it on. But the key is

Get a little morsel of lasagna because you just want to taste it. You taste the lasagna and you keep moving. You don't overdo on the carbs. Exactly. You want that sliced turkey in there. Get the turkey. Get the gravy. Eat half the egg roll. A lot of waste going on. And then I pile it on top. I don't care what it is. Cheesecake, tiramisu, lasagna, pancakes. I pile the whole thing on top with shrimp.

I get a boiled shrimp and then a side of the cocktail sauce. I fuck with some noodles too. I will do the Chinese area as well. Oh, yeah. If they got sushi at the buffet, I'll fucking roll the dice. Hell yeah. I went to a buffet once. It was a shitty buffet with Oysters Rockefeller and I was like, I'm a struggling young comic. Let's dance. I got it.

Give me the shellfish, motherfucker. Oh, I'll do crab legs. Oh, hell yeah. I put the bib on. I get the lobster. I'm cracking that shit. Crab legs fucking rule. Oh, I love crab leg. It's work. But when you get that meat out of there, you feel like a prospector. You're like, I did it. I found the meat, the gold. Butter, lemon, seafood. It's like, I don't think there's anything better. No, no. I think that might be my favorite thing to eat is like really good seafood.

I'm with you. I'm with you. You can't top it, man. There's a New Orleanian seafood like you'd go to the grocery store even in that window or that that like case the glass case with just the row of seafood. Oh, my God. It was like it was glowing like the suitcase and Pulp Fiction. I loved it.

- What's your go-to for seafood? - I mean, I'm a crawfish guy, which I know I'm biased, but like boiled crawfish, the fat guy like rolls that out on the table with the red and that steam. - Just like your sleeves, man. - Yeah, it's the best. Oh, you just pop open, you have a beer next to you, your hands are filthy, your mouth is burning. Woo! Suck the head, baby. - I've never been a crawfish guy. I mean, shrimp, crab. - Shrimp is great. - Shit, if there's lobster in the house, I'm fucking going crazy. I haven't had it for so many years.

- Lobster a little overrated, I think. - But a lobster roll is fucking money, dude. - A lobster roll is great. Good call. - Lobster roll with fries, that's a fucking, that's a good meal. - Hot or cold?

I like it cold. I like it hot. I like a hot bun, obviously, but a cold lobster, I love that. It's like borscht. You can get hot or cold. I could go hot, though. I love borscht hot or cold, too. I'm fucking... I guess if it's the summer, I want it cold, but if it's indoors, I want it hot. Yeah, borscht is so good because gazpacho, I think, is...

Nobody wants that shit. I like it. Oh, come on. In the summer, a nice veggie soup cold. You're ordering that at a restaurant? I'll go borscht ahead of it, but I'll fucking order it. All right. All right.

I'll go borscht ahead of it too. Not everyone crushes a gazpacho, but when you have a good gazpacho, that's fucking nice. That is nice. Yeah, I like it. No, borscht is my favorite soup. That's my number one. Oh, and the comedy seller borscht is top notch. It's great. Veselka, man. Veselka too. Support Veselka, man. I think they've been struggling in this pandemic. If you're in New York City, East 9th Street, or I believe it's 9th Street. 9th and 2nd Avenue? 2nd Avenue. I mean-

24 hours. You can't do much better. They got everything, but man, the pierogies, the borscht, the everything. It's just one of the best. Yeah. I got a hot 4.5. I give it a 4.8. Sorry. Oh, sorry. We've had some late nights in there. We've had some meetings in there. We'll meet up with Silco. We'll talk it out. We'll figure it out. I mean, that's a great, what is it? A Polish? Look at that shit. It's Ukrainian. I believe. Oh,

Look at that. It's beautiful. Oh, that fucking stuffed cabbage with gravy. I will fucking eat that ass. Why isn't stuffed cabbage talked about more? That is one of the best dishes on the planet. Stuffed cabbage, stuffed peppers, that meat, the pierogi. I mean, that's great food. Fat grandmas from Poland or the Ukraine. It's probably my favorite. This is probably my favorite comfort food. Yeah. You go borscht. You look at that latke. Yeah.

My mom makes the best latkes, by the way. Oh, really? Oh, my God. How nice is that? I'd like to try one. Pierogies. We should do that with Hanukkah, maybe. This December, we do that. Oh, I like it. We got all this. Man, I think this is what we do. Yeah, we got to do this one day. I'm down, baby. Look at that.

I love Patreon or something. The jiggly arms on the lady with the apron pulling that lock out of the oven with some applesauce and sour cream, sour cream on that dude, a little fucking sweet onions. I love the, uh, the mushroom barley there. I'm fucking, I'm getting hard, dude. This is crazy.

That's some sour cream coming out of you. That's the thing about the Midwest. You go to these German towns, these Polish towns, these Polacks can pull out some cabbage. It's unreal. And we don't really have a lot of it in the South. We didn't have any of that shit, really. I'm so over mac and cheese. To me, it's the most... It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. If you're doing something crazy with like... It's too like soft. When you do the crunch in there, I'm down. When there's like the breadcrumbs, but like...

I don't know if there's a more overrated food than mac and cheese. Yeah, just cheese and shitty pasta. It's easy. I don't know. I get it. At a barbecue, I'll do a scoop. Look, I like it, but it's not my...

It's not even, there were people like, oh, I'm a mac and cheese. Remember when there was like, it was like the early, it was like probably the early 2000s, mid 2000s. Yep. When people's entire personality was like, I like bacon. That's how I feel about mac and cheese people. I'm like, yeah, it's cheese and pasta. Of course you like, but there were people like for a period where they're like, I like bacon. And you're like, wow.

You like the crispiest, saltiest. Who doesn't like bacon, man? Even vegans look at that shit and they're like, I wish I could indulge. The Taliban likes bacon. We get it. They had bacon vodka for a hot minute. That came out. Bacon had a run. Mac and cheese had a huge run. There was all those places in New York. What was it called? Sh...

sneeze or cheesy yeah yeah yeah i know the place you're talking about it had some weird name more so no uh smack smack that was it which is a little offensive to the drug addicts by the way but they walked in very upset they were like you have misrepresented yourself what the hell this is worse than that place called crackle but yeah yeah is it still open

I think it is. I think it was pretty good. You know, they had buffalo mac and cheese. I was fucking good. That is pretty good. See, look, you're not going to get a thin person in smack. Even in the ads, they keep it real. I appreciate that. But it's just mac and cheese. I don't know. Expand your palate. Get a stuffed cabbage for once in your life. Broaden it up. That does look pretty good. Yeah.

- If I'm gonna be like bad and indulge, I want like French fries, like you know? - Yeah, the worst thing for you by the way. - They're so good though. - I know a bunch of nutritionists and they all say French fries, don't eat them. - Worse than chips? - Worse than chips. - Damn. - It's that thick potato, apparently potato is not great for you, it's a starch and-- - I told that to the Irish, they were dying for them.

I mean, I love potato. French fries are like the best bad food, though. I know. And I like to dip them. And they're just right there. And steak and potato is like the ultimate American hearty meal. Steak potato with like a scotch or a Jack and Coke. The bar Jew works at Bobby Vans. I was saying on the 100 episode, we should go down there and have a steak. Should we do that? Yeah, we'll get a couple of Petey Scotches and have a steak and fuck with each other. Bobby Vans. Is that good?

I think it's pretty solid, you know, solid steakhouse. Let's look up the ratings. 1969 on Park Avenue. You can't go wrong. Let's fucking do it. Let's do it. Or we can go to that place, Old Homestead or something. I think he works on the one on 50th.

That's 50th. That's right by here. Oh, beautiful. Old Homestead, he works there? No, no, I'm just saying. That's the oldest. I've never been there. Oh, I went there once. It's a good time. It's good? Yeah, because if you go there, you're not buying. It's some rich guy who's like, we're going to Old Homestead, you know?

So it's a fun time. Remember that one we went to with Schumer and a bunch of other guys? Keens. Keens is the best. That is nice. Talk about old New York. If we're talking like, yeah, it's funny, they did a Billions episode there where it was like, they ordered the mutton. That's the thing to order. At Keens, everyone's like, you gotta get the mutton. I've never had. What is mutton? All I know is the Seinfeld episode. Thanks for mutton. It's red meat. I don't know. It's from a cow, is it not? Yeah.

I think it's something to a mutton. Yeah, what makes a mutton a mutton? Is it goat? Is it... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mutton refers to the flesh of the mature ram. Ram. Or ew, at least one year old. Or a sheep. It's a sheep. Interesting. I was totally wrong. I'm sorry. 20 months old. Wow. Like an Epstein. They get in early. They get in early.

They get out. The meat of the sheep six to ten days and ten weeks old is usually sold as baby lamb and spring lamb. Damn. He was on the lamb. Yeah, he was. Damn. That is fucking weird. So it's, oh, mutton. It looks good. It does look good. Damn, we can get some Keens, dude. Oh.

- Oh man, we probably gotta get a reservation. - Do we? - I assume. - They do outdoor dining too though, I bet there's room. - What? - Yeah, we could figure it out. - Damn. - Keen's is fucking legendary, dude. - What are we at? I feel like we've gone three days here. It feels like we've been blowing the light. Are we okay?

Oh, we got to do a bit? Let's do a bit. All right. I got nothing. Because my shit's either working or it's just a loose idea. So let me try a loose idea on you. Give me a loosey. I was talking to someone and they told me they don't like movies. Like one of those people. It's like, who fucking doesn't like? You know what I said to them? I said, you know who does like movies? Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un likes movies. And they were like, what does that mean? I'm like that he's a better hang than you. I would rather hang out with a North Korean dictator. Right. And then you think about it and you're like, well, aside from murdering people and treating his country terribly and killing family members, he's probably fun.

Ah, yeah, maybe. He's got a flat top. He's young. He's in the basketball. He loves movies. Yeah, he knows Rodman. That is true. I was thinking, but it is funny. People with the dumbest opinions are proud of them. Yes, that's the angle. I'm like, I don't like movies. And it's like, you're proud to not like... I would keep that quiet. It's like, you're proud that you don't like...

A thing that's like, by the way, we've done as well as anybody. Americans. Oh, yeah. We've got so many good. I mean, it's just a weird thing to like, that's the hell you're dying on. No, I'm with you. And they think it makes it more interesting when in fact, it actually makes you less fun or less desirable. You don't like movies? Get out of here. You know that guy like, I don't like ice cream. I don't get it. Fuck you. Dude, that's, it's pushing back in the day. It was like, I don't even own a television. You're like. Oh.

Don't talk to me. Right, right. It's like literally when someone's like, the Rolling Stones suck. And you're like, yeah, they're the problem. Not that you were a fucking idiot. Exactly. Contrarian. I don't know what the joke is here. It's more I'm just annoyed. Yeah, that is interesting. There might not be a bit here. This might be something I just. Maybe it's a peeve, but I'm with you. It might be a peeve. Oh, I fucking stink. No, no, I feel you. It's a peeve more than the bit.

- I think the angle is though that they think they're interesting when in fact they're actually revealing that they suck. - Yeah. - You know, 'cause like the KKK also very proud. - Yeah. - You know, they're like, "Hey, no, this is the right thing to do, we're burning crosses." - Just 'cause you're proud doesn't mean you're right. - There you go. - Yeah, it's like-- - The Proud Boys. - Yeah, just 'cause you're proud doesn't mean you're right. - Well, don't tell that to the gays. That whole parade would go to hell.

But yeah, that's an interesting angle because they think it'll make me, oh, this will make me stand out. But sometimes standing out, it's kind of like when people say I'm open minded and you're like, yeah, but so is he about fucking kids. Right. He's more open minded than you are in that. Yeah. Thinking. Well, it's really that you think you're interesting for not liking. Yes. For not liking a thing that.

that is just like how do you not like yeah it's popular you're writing off a whole fucking art yeah right i don't like movies and it's okay to not like it but yeah you should be weird don't act like you're fucking like you're better than me yeah you're like i don't like movies yeah yeah you should look inward a little bit like why don't i like movies i guess i can't sit there for two hours or have you seen good movies

Yeah. There's nothing here. Go to yours. I'll think of something better. I'm playing with it. I like where your head's at. This is trash. Literally, my jokes are either that right now or they're working. I don't have a lot of in-between that need tweaking. Well, new ideas are so few and far between. Good new ideas. That movie one's hitting from a couple weeks ago. What's that? The one about how... Fuck. I basically...

my girlfriend will say, "You're trying to have sex with me "and we're watching a movie and I didn't wanna do it." And she's like, "You don't have sex to watch a movie?" And I was like, "I'll fuck you during the movie that you picked." - That's a great joke. - Like I'm not gonna fuck you, like I don't wanna fuck you during Godfather II. I'll fuck the shit out of you during Little Women. So the turn is like I have more confidence in my ability to pick a movie than I do in my sexual prowess.

Cause I can say shit about the movie. I can't say about what I'm doing in bed. Like I can't fuck someone and she's not into it and be like, you just didn't get it. It was ahead of its time. So that's hidden. Yeah. What do you got reviews? Well, that's, that's one we talked out here. What do you got? I like that.

But I'll come back with something better next week. That was loose. Same, same. I don't think I have a big one either, but me and my friend were talking about how we were younger. And this is also loose. Tell me how we were younger that you hear about ninjas a lot more like Mary. It was all like everything was ninja this ninja that I'm like, well, I guess because they're doing better.

Ninja please. Yeah. Ninjas, they're not around much. You don't hear about them much. You're like, yeah, because they're killing it. They're that quiet. And I think that's a fun...

- That's a funny twist, but I'm like, what's the point here I'm making? And I guess there's nothing. - That's how you know they're doing well when you never hear from them. - Yes, exactly. - Kind of like a dead be dead. - Right, right. - That's how you know they're killing it, if they're just not around. - Right, or a politician. The more you hear about a politician, that means there was a scandal or they fucked up or something happened. - What's another job you don't want to hear shit from?

CIA, FBI. They're kind of quiet. FBI is good. Yeah. You want them to be hush-hush. You keep hearing buzzing about the FBI. Maybe they're not so... An intern? If you hear a lot about an intern, that means she sucked off the president. See, it could have been a throwaway. That's a thing. What's another job that if you hear about...

Alan Havey had that great joke. He's like, my ex-wife was in the CIA. It was great. She'd come home and be like, how was your day, honey? She's like, I can't talk, but he's like, perfect. It's a great joke. That's a great joke. But yeah, the ninja thing, it might have just been a nothing. All right, how about let me throw this one at you. That feels like a throwaway line. I'll get off. Maybe I'll tack that onto a bit. Sure, sure. It doesn't feel like a full premise.

Okay, sorry, my tile is going nuts. Why is your tile going nuts? I don't know. I think I'm sitting on it wrong. But, Jesus, tile, shut up. All right. All right, it's done. I'm doing this whole bit about how there's slut shaming. Like, you shouldn't slut shame. But I think women hate sluts.

So there's all this, like, anti-slut-shaming stuff, but, like, ladies, you hate them. Like, women will be able to be like, I hate that bitch, fuck that slut. So you're like, so it is bad. So you gotta tell us, because this is on you guys. You know, women are like, how come if a man sleeps with a lot of girls, he's a player, but if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she's a slut? And I'm like, well, I think because you believe that, ladies. And that gets a big laugh. And then I'm like...

you guys hate sluts men we love sluts and that kills but i think i need something some more there yeah no the only time a man hates a slut is if he's dating one right hey right that's the only time a man hates a slut is if he catches his wife fucking the neighbor is like you slut yes no wife is like having his ass eaten by his wife and is like you slut

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then they'll be like, well, men call women sluts too. And I'm like, yeah, we do it because it works. It still gets a rise out of you. But if you call me a slut, I'm like, let's party. We don't care. You guys care internally. It's in you, ladies. You act like it's this man thing. Like these toxic men are yelling at sluts. Yeah, but you have the problem with it. It bothers you. Oh, yeah.

- Jim Jefferies, different bit, but Jim Jefferies did a bit I thought was so funny about it. He's like, "To be a stud, you have to be rich, "you have to be good looking." He's like, "To be a slut, you just have to be there. "There are dwarf sluts. "There are no dwarf studs." And he goes, "Maybe in their own community, "but none of them crossed over." That was a Jim Jefferies bit I thought was so good. - Well yeah, Bill Burr had the bit, he's like, "Why is a girl a slut and a guy a girl?"

stud and it's like, cause it's being a stud is hard. It takes work. You gotta like win a woman over being a slut is easy. That's why it's a knock.

But my whole point is women act like it's this thing that guys say, like these sluts, but it's like, yeah, but you hate them too. Yeah. Don't act like it's just us. Well, they're fucking shit up for them. Aha. Because they all have like a product, so to speak. Now we're getting somewhere. And one group is giving it away for easy. So if you're a fucking five-star restaurant, you don't like Wendy's. Aha. That's great. Yeah. That's the angle, baby. That's the angle. All right, we got it. It's kind of like BLM. Black people are like, hey, Black Lives Matter.

But it would be like if black people also hated black people. No, no, you guys are fighting for black people and you still like black people. They're like... If there was Samuel L. Jackson and Django as part of that group, you'd be like, you can't be part of us. Right, right, exactly. It doesn't make sense. So...

There you go, ladies. That's a good bit now. That's hot. We got good stuff coming out. Also, shit, man, please watch my doc, which is now, I would assume, out. Let's hope. YouTube.com slash Sam Morrell, M-O-R-R-I-L, or just YouTube, full capacity Sam Morrell on YouTube. Going to be a banger. Love what we have here. I'm fighting with Salacuse like crazy lately, so it better be good. Better be worth fucking up our friendship. No.

Oh, this is how art is created. Passion. Worlds colliding. Please watch that. See me at Millersville. Oh, no, Atlanta this weekend, then Millersville. Oh, no, I believe it's Millersville this weekend. This is in two weeks, right? Yeah. So Millersville, Pennsylvania, 9-15. Then we got...

Fuck. We got Philly helium. One of my faves. 16th through the 19th moon tower in Austin for a few nights. That'll be great. A lot of great comics there. Uh, I'll be in St. Louis, Indianapolis, Springfield, Missouri, Chicago. Uh,

Fucking Comedy Works in Denver, Phoenix, samorell.com slash shows. I'll see you on the road. I can't wait. Hell yeah. I'll be on the road as well. Nashville, West Palm Beach, Atlanta, Madison, Wisconsin. All kinds of fun gigs. Check marknormancomedy.com.

And yeah, watch our specials. Give us a like. Give us a comment. We'll get our albums. They're all out there, folks. Netflix is out. Give that a fun hello. And yeah.

Hopefully we get that whiskey at some point. Who knows what's going on? We're working on it. Lawyers. Yeah, it's all the legal mumbo jumbo. Who the hell knows? But yeah, keep watching. Keep drinking. Get on the Patreon. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, obviously. Leave a nice review. Subscribe to that Patreon. As Mark said, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Woo! Thanks, guys. We love you. Comedy.